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Episode Transcript:

Anne Lamott 00:00:00  Finding a way to have a bigger and more spacious life may involve community. May involve spirituality. May involve activism. Who knows? You have to somehow get the help to release some of the perfectionism, because not a soul here is going to do it perfectly.

Chris Forbes 00:00:26  Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have. Quotes like garbage in, garbage out or you are what you think ring true. And yet, for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:11  Anne Lamott has a line about community that made me laugh.  80% of any meeting or gathering might be stupid and beneath you, but the other 20% will save you. Many times I’ve thrown away the 20 because I couldn’t get through the 80. I wanted it to be all good or all bad. And community is just never that. And when I talk about walking into new rooms, feeling too good to be there and not good enough at the same time, and why showing up anyway is the key. I’m Eric Zimmer and this is the one you feed. Hi and welcome to the show.

Anne Lamott 00:01:49  Thank you Eric. Good to be here.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:50  I was mentioning you just a little bit before we started. How I have loved your work for a long, long time, and we both spent significant amounts of time in 12 step programs and in recovery. And so reading you is like hearing so much of my foundational thought just said really eloquently. So thank you for being here.

Anne Lamott 00:02:10  Oh, thanks.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:11  Well, mostly be talking about your book somehow Thoughts on Love. But I have questions kind of from all across the board.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:18  But we’ll start like we always do with the parable. And in the parable there’s a grandparent there talking with their grandchild. And they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. The grandchild stops and they think about it for a second. They look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

Anne Lamott 00:02:54  Well, I’ve been hearing this one in recovery for years. It’s beautiful and profound, but what it always makes me think of is the priest who helped Bill Wilson when Bill was forming AA in the mid 30s. And the priest said, sometimes I think that heaven is just a new pair of glasses.

Anne Lamott 00:03:14  And so I think of those two really bonded because you have some choice. You know, I’m human. I’m going to have scary thoughts and bad thoughts, but I don’t need to feed them. You know, I can become aware that I’m doing them. You know, that they’re kind of a habit or they’re, you know, from a scary childhood. They’re in a certain way, kind of a toxic comfort zone to have anxiety or to have a situation that I think I need to fix. And so I feed it. And then the good wolf and the good pair of glasses are right there. And the miracle is that over time, over many, many, many years of sobriety. I catch myself feeding the bad wolf and I say no. And I turn around and I give the good wolf a really huge, delicious piece of meat.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:08  Yeah, yeah, I heard that too. The first time in recovery, I’m sure it was in some church basement somewhere, and it was relatively early in my recovery.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:19  And I remember thinking then and have thought since many times, like, I think I’m not even feeding the bad wolf. Yeah, I feel like the bad wolf is now eating me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, but all these years later, it’s really different. I wanted to start by asking you to answer a question that you pose early in the book. Can you say even the darkest and most devastating times love is nearby if you know what to look for. So what do we look for?

Anne Lamott 00:04:50  Well, again, it’s the new pair of glasses. Instead of looking at all the things that are annoying. And for which I have an excellent eye and sensor. We look at all that is still beautiful and it still works. It is still sort of sweet that, you know, across the street, the neighbor who didn’t used to like me very much or approve of me, it was waving and asking how things are going, and we’d look for the daffodils and we look for just all of it is beautiful and sort of sweet, or surprisingly, okay.

Anne Lamott 00:05:22  Whereas before we thought it was all going down the tubes.

Eric Zimmer 00:05:25  I’ve heard you talk about the daffodils before. This is their season in a couple in Columbus, Ohio, and they are beautiful and they are everywhere. Makes me think of something that your husband said to you, which is that 80% of what is true and beautiful can be experienced on any ten minute walk.

Anne Lamott 00:05:44  Yeah. Right through the city or out the door into the beauty of the neighborhood or down at the trailhead, you know, anywhere. But it’s kind of a decision that you’re going to be looking for. What is just so fine or touching about life instead of all the things that are so annoying, which is that it looks like the neighbors might start doing another edition, or it looks like you know that car with a Denver boot on it is still there or whatever. It’s like anywhere you are. If you hit the reset button. I mean, you’ve heard in recovery that you get to start your new 24 hours whenever you remember to, and you hit the button and you start over and you decide to focus on the goodness that surrounds us.

Eric Zimmer 00:06:29  Yeah. There’s a program I teach called Habits That Matter. It’s about using habits to develop wisdom. And one of the examples I use when we talk about attention is very similar to what you just described. Like, we can take the same walk day after day, but that walk is radically different depending on where my attention is, right. I mean, it’s the same exact track. Same sites? Yeah, but I might not see a single one of them both. It’s so critical how we train our attention and kind of where we want it to be.

Anne Lamott 00:07:00  Yeah, exactly. If you grow up in a childhood house that was scary or stressful, which mine was, you get too attentive. You get what they call hypervigilant because you want to be prepared. You don’t want to walk on step on any landmines, you know, and and you tiptoe. And I saw a button when I first got sober in 86. It said, I’m not tense. I’m just very, very alert. And if you grow up in a dysfunctional or alcoholic or a family with mental illness or affairs or whatever, you get hyper alert because that’s how you can protect yourself.

Anne Lamott 00:07:37  And it’s a habit. And this side of the grave, I am probably going to go to some of these old sort of miserable ways of focusing on what might be about to go wrong, and more and more and more, as I get older and more sober and more relaxed, I noticed myself doing it, and I sort of pat myself on the shoulder and go, we’re okay.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:57  Yeah. You know, a theme of your work that I see again and again is you sort of tongue in cheek, a little bit of joking and not talk about how this whole self-improvement project is going way, way slower than you thought it would or, you know, I think it should. And again, the ways you phrase it often make me laugh. And yet that’s a very real way of criticizing ourselves. And it sounds like that’s mellowed over time in being more willing to sort of accept yourself and see your human foibles as just part of what it means to be exactly that human.

Anne Lamott 00:08:35  I don’t see it almost 38 years that I’ve been trudging the path of of spiritual living and destiny.

Anne Lamott 00:08:46  I see it really as a restoration project. You know, like with a really battered old house where a lot of the systems were just destroyed or put in so long ago that they’re really not very effective anymore and just ruin in what’s behind the walls. And it’s, you know, the rats are the mold. And it’s been about restoring the very precious being that I was born to be, and to grow into that and away from all of the personas and the ways of defending myself, or the ways of impressing the world and all the stuff that really didn’t serve me, but that I was taught and encouraged to improve on. You know, my friend Duncan Trussell, I think I mentioned this in the book and somehow said, when you first meet me, you’re meeting my bodyguard. And little by little, as I’ve grown in faith, both in life and in myself, I’ve been able to let the bodyguard go, take a break, or have a cigarette outside while I really get to see who other people and myself are, and that’s wonderful.

Anne Lamott 00:09:47  I mean, I really think that’s who we are is to become who we were born to be and not who we always pretended to be because we got so much affirmation for it, for doing better and better and oppressing and reaching higher and higher levels of whatever. But you heard, and I’ve always heard, that you don’t compare yourself to other people’s outsides, that actually everybody who looks so great is probably in exactly the same state of being human and kind of a little funky around the edges as you are. And you also hear that it’s an inside job, that the healing and the restoration aren’t out there. You’re not going to get such a great book review or whatever, that it’s going to do any kind of healing at all. It’s going to be a nice fix now. I love fixes. When I first got sober, my mentor Sharon S said to me every morning, you need to ask yourself whether you want the hit or whether you want the serenity. And I said, Sharon, I want the hit.

Anne Lamott 00:10:42  You know, I’m I’m a drug addict. But I really wanted the serenity. And all these years later, I still notice. I love the hit. I love the immediate fix of something that will mood alter me, either because I’ve achieved it or it’s arrived from Amazon or whatever it happens to be. But what I really want is a serenity, which is the very gentle self-respect and the radical self-care and getting out of myself to become a person for others. And, you know, maybe just taking some food over to the food pantry, maybe going around the neighborhood and picking up litter.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:18  Yeah, yeah. So I want to ask you a question in a little bit more detail. So writing is your thing. It’s what you’ve done for a long, long time. And it’s also the way that you get some of those hits we talked about. Right. You get a good book review. Someone that you respect says something good about it. You get paid to do it. All those things. Right.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:38  So talk to me about how you work with yourself, given that there are sort of like these multiple motivations in doing something like writing, you know, how do you work with yourself to stay on the more intrinsic motivations versus getting sort of really focused on the extrinsic pieces of it?

Anne Lamott 00:11:58  Well, that’s a good question. As I wrote a lot in Bird by Bird, when you’re a writer, you get fixated on the outside validation, and you believe before you publish that it will completely affirm you and validate your parking ticket. And it will last and it won’t. It’s just a fix. It’s mood altering, and I love it. Don’t get me wrong, but I get many, many, many bad reviews also. It’s this is my 20th book and they always get under my skin and I won’t lie and say I don’t even notice or care anymore because I completely do. But as you get older, you just notice it. It’ll pass. You know that it it was one person who doesn’t like your style of writing or talking and and, you know, you shake it off.

Anne Lamott 00:12:45  You learn little tools for shaking off. But what does work and sustain the soul and the spirit is any daily practice, whether it’s meditation or writing or a power walk or whatever, but with the writing. If you sit down at the same time every day so that your subconscious can kick in for you, which is where all the juicy stuff is, and you do the work even though you’re not in the mood, or you don’t have any confidence or or whatever, then it connects you to something umbilical and that is some sort of higher power, some sort of higher calling to decide to devote yourself to the writer’s life, whether or not you ever get published. It’s like a calling, like a monk would feel called to the monastery and the daily ness of it, and the miracle that you will get better and better and better, and then you’ll be able to help others. And just like in recovery, the beauty of getting to watch other people heal and get better and reach higher and higher levels of, you know, biting off trickier things to either write about or ways to write about them, or alternately, being able to write more and more modestly and simply and plainly and clearly.

Anne Lamott 00:13:57  It’s a wonderful thing to see it in yourself, but even more so in some ways, to see it in other people. And so the daily ness of it, the habit of it, as you teach about the connection with yourself, with higher power and with the outside world, is really where the goods are.

Eric Zimmer 00:14:15  Do you enjoy the writing process? Some writers describe it as being like when they’re in it very, very difficult, and other writers describe loving doing it. What’s the experience of it like for you?

Anne Lamott 00:14:26  I don’t love it. Most days I don’t love first drafts. You know, I wrote a lot in Bird by Bird about how everything I’ve ever written that you might like derived from a really awful first draft. Any book I’ve ever read, even any poem I’ve ever read, has almost certainly begun as a really god awful first draft. So that part I find 20 books later just as hard. You know, like all alcoholics and maybe all writers, there’s kind of a ping pong game going on between this grandiosity and narcissism versus the, the, the pretty shaky self-esteem.

Anne Lamott 00:15:00  But once I have a first draft done, it starts to be more like Swiss watchmaking or something. Or I’m fiddling, I’m taking stuff out that I hadn’t been able to take out earlier. I’m moving stuff around, and the story is kind of revealing itself to me, like a Polaroid in a way that wasn’t happening in the first draft.

Eric Zimmer 00:15:21  So I have read my bird before, and I think I will be reading it a lot more because I am at work on my first book, not my 20th, my first wow. And I just recently got a book deal, and I’m really excited about it and sort of daunted at the same time. When you’re in that shitty first draft process, do you still have the doubt in there? Like, this one sucks. I’m never going to pull this one out. Or do you have the faith now that you’ve done it so many times that, you know, like, okay, this is just part of the process. You know, I’m in the part of it where it’s difficult.

Anne Lamott 00:15:56  This book, you know, it’s about love and there’s no word or theme or over used certainly in American culture than love. And so all the way through the first draft, I was thinking mostly what I write about is love, spirit, healing, soul, God. And I thought, talk about beating a dead horse. But I also had something that was guiding me, and that was that. I wanted to write a book for my son and grandson. That would be every single thing I know that has ever worked before. During really tricky times. hard times, rough patches, bad news. That will almost certainly work again when I’m gone, because I know that their future, just with the climate and who knows with democracy, is going to be really difficult and scary and untroubled. And so I wanted to say this all was work, no matter how awful my landscape was and how long it took. It will work, community will work, goodness will work, prayer and meditation and and getting outside and and 2 or 3 very, very best friends and this and so I started writing pieces and I think they’re sort of funny.

Anne Lamott 00:17:09  And I tried to do the deep dive into these different realms of love. But yeah, every step of the way, I would feel left to my own devices that I’d already done it. I’d done it better, da da da. But that is why, with my writing, why teach writing? I always say you need other people to read your stuff. I have my husband. I have two people who read my stuff for me before I send it in anywhere. My son has a website called A Writing Room. Com and it’s 500 writers who are doing that for each other. They’re either helping each other, not give up, and they’re helping each other know that the first page really didn’t work. I mean, you’re going to need this if you have an editor, but you need someone before you give it to your editor. Yep. Because you don’t want your editor to be worried about what they’ve gone and done and making giving you a contract.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:00  Exactly.

Anne Lamott 00:18:01  But at a writing room, they say things like, I’m going to love this, but I really feel, hypothetically that the first page, you’re just kind of clearing your throat.

Anne Lamott 00:18:11  But where it really takes off for me is the second paragraph on page two. That’s where I would start the whole thing. And then all of a sudden, I’m sure this is true for you. Eric, you go on too long and that the ending is 3 or 4 pages or 17 pages before the right ending, but without feedback. I’m literally hopeless because I’m going to send stuff in that I just think is just just so, so, so perfect. And it really needed another set of eyes on it. You know what it’s like? Your eye kind of glances off it after a while and you’re bored with it a little bit. You just want to be done, but then you give it like, I’ll send it over to my husband and he’ll print it out and he’ll really work on it and he’ll come over. And sometimes she says, I just love this. I had a couple of thoughts and other times he’ll come in and there’ll be this scary look on his face that, that more doesn’t work than I had hoped.

Anne Lamott 00:19:02  That he will have some really good ideas on how to get it to work. So I give a lot of talks at a writing room, and I don’t give it very many workshops. That’s mostly where I do my talking. Now. What I repeat over and over and over again is no matter how great a writer, no matter how many books you’ve had published, you need help from somebody who’s a good writer, who respects you. My students go to writing conferences and they just get torn to shreds sometimes when their piece is being critiqued and the group of 20 people. And that’s not helpful. What is helpful is to approach each thing as having already been accepted, and you’re either asking for help or offering help as to how to bring it up to its very highest quality.

Eric Zimmer 00:20:08  Community is something that comes up often in your writing. You just referenced it a minute ago when you were talking about what works in difficult times. You also just referenced it right in regards to writing, and you have a line that made me laugh.

Eric Zimmer 00:20:24  And I thought, how true is this? You said 80% of any meeting or gathering might be stupid and beneath you, but the other 20% will save you.

Anne Lamott 00:20:37  Yeah. That’s just so often true for me. It’s true at church. It’s true in my recovery workshops. It’s true in community meetings. All of us just talk so much and people just want their point of view really heard and in detail. And that’s not where the healing is. The healing is in the stuff. Once all the ego and all the blowhard and all the passionate need to be heard is stripped away, what are you actually trying to share with me? Well, I’m trying to share that just all I do one day at a time is not pick up a drink or a drug. All I do in my Sunday school classes is to try to help my kids know that they are loved and chosen and just precious as is. That this is a come as you ordeal, but yet there’s a 45 minutes before and then five minutes after, you know, so you can usually strip away about 80%.

Anne Lamott 00:21:37  And anything I’ve written you can easily strip away about a third of it. So it’s just human nature. It’s human nature. We care so deeply about the things in our life that are of the highest value, and we just want to get that across, you know? That’s why it’s good that we get a shot at second drafts.

Eric Zimmer 00:21:56  Yeah. I love what you wrote about community there about, you know, 80% of it being stupid and beneath us, right. And 20% being valuable because I’ve had a tendency to throw away the 20% because I can’t get through the 80%. Right. And I’ve learned that over time. But it was so helpful to hear it written that way, because my problem was I was feeling like, well, it’s either good or it’s not good. And the reality, like most anything in life, is there’s some of both. But I really love that idea. And, you know, the other thing that you said that just a minute ago that really resonates me with me, and I talk to people in group programs that I run about this, which is when you go into a new situation, you’re going to have one of two sort of reactions, and they may switch back and forth like every three seconds, which is, I’m too good to be here, right? Or I’m not good enough to be here.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:51  Right, right. You know, it just seems to be the nature of walking into a new situation where we don’t know people.

Anne Lamott 00:22:58  Right, right. Well, a lot of the book is about the shyness and discomfort that even extroverts would feel about entering a new community, whether it’s spiritual recovery or community activism, to try to stop, you know, the new construction from going up or getting the beaches claimed. It’s just human nature. You just you’re it’s like your little kid is entering the room and you kind of you feel awkward and it’s very sweet and touching. But of course, the way that I’ve always compensated for it is with this arrogance and this kind of feeling of these people just seem really nutty to me. Or these people, they’re sort of pathetic or or whatever, or, you know, like the famous Groucho Marx line that he wouldn’t want to belong to any group that would have him. But by entering into that room each time you do it and saying hello to a couple of people, it’s like Nautilus for the spirit, you know, and you build muscles to do it.

Anne Lamott 00:24:00  And then pretty soon you find yourself really, really looking forward to them. You know, there’s going to be people that are just going to see a weird or then it’s absolutely necessary. But at the same time, you build muscle in the same way, you build muscle to not pick up a drink or to not go back to smoking. You just know that you can do it and it’s going to be ever so slightly uncomfortable. And, you know, like the Nike ad, you just do it and you put out your hand and you say hello, and then there’s someone you know there, and either you gravitate toward them and go, oh my God, I’m so glad that you’re here. Or else you hide from them and you think, oh my God, I’ll never come back. But you just do it and you do it afraid, and you do it shy, and then you start to see what they’re about. And something deep inside of you, like this little Doctor Seuss character of your soul goes, oh my God, that’s exactly right.

Anne Lamott 00:24:53  And then maybe you come back a second time, which is where the miracle is.

Eric Zimmer 00:24:58  In the new book, you talk about walking in, you show up, you step inside. Maybe, like me, you feel like a walking personality disorder, but managed to say hello. Yeah, a lot of things start with hello very recently. So this is fresh in my mind. I’ve been part of an organization for quite some time called food rescue, and we basically go pick up food that’s about to be thrown away and drive it somewhere that can use it. But Food Rescue just opened a kitchen here in Columbus, where we’re taking some of that food and preparing it. And so I’ve been going and you know, what I know about myself is it takes about 3 to 4 interactions with people before I start to come out of my shell. So the first three times I’m there, I’m just kind of like, yeah, okay, I’m just focusing on the kitchen. And then I notice last time I’m making a couple jokes, I just know that about myself now.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:49  So I could be patient with myself. But I didn’t always know that. And I think it’s, you know, one of the reasons people have such a difficult time with community is we expect that right away. It’s going to be this magical thing.

Anne Lamott 00:26:02  Right, right, right. I know well, there’s so much of what I have to tell my writing students is that writing and living are about unlearning a lot of stuff we learned as children. And I was just talking about this at a writing room. We were taught. Don’t waste paper. And I tell them, please waste paper. Send money to the Sierra Club and then print your material out and read it. Holding it with a sharp pencil. You know, read it in a window seat. Read it in the corner of the house. You know, we were told not to space out. We were spacing out when we were children at the kitchen table or on the couch. Somebody came along and said, don’t you have something to do, you know? Is your homework done? Is your room clean? And I tell my writing students, space out, space out.

Anne Lamott 00:26:47  Like stare off into the middle distance like cats do. You know, saying you can walk out there and so your mind can kind of float around and and go peek into corners that you hadn’t even known were there. And so much for me personally, has been about unlearning what I was taught. And of all the crippling, destructive things I was taught as a child. Was this perfectionism you know that you can and really need to do things that are beyond reproach, that also you need to know what you’re doing and then you should stick to that. And as a writer, that is never true, because a I usually don’t know what I’m doing until I’ve done it, and b I don’t need to stick to it. I’m going to take out huge chunks or I’m going to introduce a whole new character, whatever. So with finding a way to have a bigger and more spacious life, which may involve community, may involve spirituality, may involve activism, who knows? You have to somehow get the help to release some of the perfectionism, because not a soul here is going to do it perfectly.

Anne Lamott 00:27:54  Because we compare our insights to other people’s outsides. We see other people go, oh, I wish I could do it that well. I wish I looked that well, I wish I had this wish like that in their insides feel justice, you know, self-critical or worried as others do. It’s just they have a better persona or bodyguard for me. Boy, that has been the deepest dive I’ve had to do was into this belief that if I did things that were beyond reproach, they were just really nearly perfect, that that offered some kind of validation of protection. And it didn’t. It’s an inside job.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:32  Check in for a moment. Is your jaw tight? Breath shallow? Are your shoulders creeping up? Those little signals are invitations to slow down and listen. Every Wednesday, I send weekly bites of wisdom, a short email that turns the big ideas we explore here in each show. Things like mental health, anxiety, relationships, purpose into bite size practices you can use the same day it’s free.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:00  It takes about a minute to read and thousands already swear by it. If you’d like extra fuel for the weekend, you also get a weekend podcast playlist. Join us at one you feed net. That’s one you feed net newsletter and start receiving your next bite of wisdom. All right, back to the show. The thing that keeps close company with perfectionism is shame. And you said something that I really resonated with, and it was that I learned once again, that just about the worst part about shame is the shame of still having it.

Anne Lamott 00:29:38  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:38  Say more about that.

Anne Lamott 00:29:40  Yeah, well, that’s in the most painful piece. And somehow of being rejected by a very, very close friend. And of course, the human response would be a devastation and be the shame, because I think we secretly believe that when anybody criticizes us or finds flaw with our work or our being, that they’re seeing something that’s true, that everybody else is either politely not saying anything about or hasn’t even noticed because of your dazzling and seductive persona.

Anne Lamott 00:30:11  But when somebody criticizes you or says something as if they are pointing out something that’s true instead of it being their opinion, there’s no way that you’re not going to have shame. The gift is that maybe you don’t have it for part of a year. You know, maybe you have it for a few days because you call your best friend, you call your partner, you call your your mentor or your sponsor or your whatever, and you work with it. You go into it and realize that it’s something from 50 years ago when when you were a child, and this used to come up from your very stern dad or your very codependent mother or whatever, but that piece is so painful. I actually didn’t think people were going to like it. It’s called camellias, and I thought people were going to just kind of recoil because it’s so painful about what I went through. And thinking this friend Tim had just nailed me finally, for once, that I was a two time where I was a backstabber, or that he didn’t want to be like me.

Anne Lamott 00:31:11  And it seems to be the peace that in certain ways resonates most for people. Because you know what? Anything I write that is really intimate is something that I’m pretty sure is universal. I’m pretty sure you, Eric, when you read that, you dropped it. Totally got it. Yeah, right. Yeah. You have been there and you kind of went, oh, you cringed. But in that way, that’s exciting to cringe when you think somebody is telling the truth. And it’s maybe reading your mail a little bit.

Eric Zimmer 00:31:40  Yeah. Yeah, that I don’t know if you call it essay or chapter or whatever in the book is really powerful. And I think the other reason that things like that, people really like, there’s a tendency to put people who can write well or speak well, you know, up on a little bit of a pedestal, write and think, oh, you know, since they are able to articulate these ideas, they must really have them figured out. Right.

Anne Lamott 00:32:04  Right.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:05  Right, right. And so I think it’s a real powerful thing when people get to see like, oh, no, even somebody who has all this wisdom still goes through this stuff. Right? And it’s sort of back to that idea about shame. We think we should be beyond something, right? I mean, I know that’s become something I’ve had to really work with is I’ve had close to 25 years in recovery and lead these group programs and this podcast and all this stuff is when I’m really struggling, there’s that voice in me that goes, you should know better, right?

Anne Lamott 00:32:36  I know you should, you should, you should, you should yourself. You should all over yourself. Right?

Eric Zimmer 00:32:42  Yeah, yeah. And it’s so destructive. Right. Because it’s I can’t get on to the work of really processing and learning from the experience and grieving or whatever I need to do like that. I shouldn’t be allowed to feel this way. Thing really shuts the door on that deeper work.

Anne Lamott 00:32:59  Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Anne Lamott 00:33:01  But, you know, I don’t know if you’re allowed to say this, but what we say in recovery is it. Shoulds are shit. You know, if you could have done better at the time, you would have. Yeah, you definitely would have. You were feeling really stressed and pressured or inadequate, and you did what at the time felt like the best you could do. You know, and that’s all we can do on any given day. The best we can be as humans or as writers or as parents or as children. But that perfectionism is just so deadly. And my husband has written a book. His name is Neil Allen, called Better Days because his work with people is on The Inner Critic, and he points out to his clients that the inner critic is from childhood. It kept us from running out into the street when we were five years old. It kept us from swimming out beyond our ability to stay afloat. But it’s a parasite. The way he describes us. It’s not part of us.

Anne Lamott 00:33:59  It’s this misguided effort to keep us safe. But I’m 70 and I have very good traffic safety understanding. And I would never swim out past the breakers. You know, I’m not stupid, but with my work, when I hear that inner critic, it says to me, oh my God, I just think that is too sentimental. I think it’s over. I think it’s this. I think it’s that. Or when I come off stage after presentation, the inner critic. But what I’ve learned to do mostly I’ve known my husband for seven years. He taught me to just be aware of it and to say, oh, it’s you. It’s not truth. It’s not who I am. It’s not truth. It’s just parasite. It kept me alive. I’m grateful for that. But it takes practice. And again, it takes that Nautilus of the soul to get used to. You know, there’s something I know in Ohio. You come upon in these secret groups of recovery, which are the three Rs.

Anne Lamott 00:34:56  The first day is the awareness. It’s my inner critic. It’s belittling me. Its job is to keep me small so it can control me and keep me from doing something that might either be fatal or humiliating in the public realm. But you get the awareness. I’m doing it. Oh, I’m just jealous. Oh, I’m just I’m just sad. I’m just. And that’s why I’m being mean to myself. That the inner critic keeps me small and afraid. And so the awareness, oh, I’m doing it again. And Neil teaches people to say, oh, it’s you. The second thing is acceptance. Of course I have it. When I give you Eric, my book to read, and when you give your book to us to read down the road, it’s your very best effort, your best self. It’s your heart, it’s your soul, it’s your education, it’s your experience, your strength, your hope, your all the best you could do. And if somebody says in a newspaper or at the dinner table, I’m just really surprised that you didn’t go into that more deeply, or I’m surprised that you spent so much time on that.

Anne Lamott 00:36:01  It’s going to be devastating, but you have to accept it. This is what I got as a child and this side of the grave. I’m going to have it. The miracle and I accept this is that I’ll have it, and I can come through it in a couple of hours instead of, in my case, my 20s at the height of my my drinking and choosing. And then the the after the acceptance, of course, I have this this is how I was raised. You know, I was raised to be very self-critical. I was raised at a B-plus, wasn’t a good enough grade. Was there time in the quarter to bring it up? And then the third thing that recovery teaches that the church and the mosque and the synagogue teach is the action, and the action is love. The action is self-love. The action is you touch your own shoulder and you say, it’s okay, Hymie, you know, let me get you a cup of tea, or you said, let’s just go take a hot bath.

Anne Lamott 00:36:53  Or you say, let’s just put that down for now. I think you’re tired. You know, I think maybe you want to lie down with a kitty for a while and just read people magazine, whatever the radical self-care is. Is the action. And so I do that a lot because I hear the inner critic. I hear it more and more softly. I heard it yesterday, and I was crushed by it, by what it was telling me about myself. So what did I do? I went and got Neil and he said, oh, that’s your inner critic. That’s not truth. And so what do we do? Well, why don’t we ask it to go sit in the library and find a nice book to read while I try to get this project finished? I don’t need it sitting on my shoulder telling me how disappointing it finds me. How much better I could have done and how much more quickly. And so I did. I said, you know, there’s a great lamp in the library.

Anne Lamott 00:37:47  Anything you might ever want to read in any realm, Tolstoy or self-help or Mary Oliver. Why don’t you go reach for wildlife? Finish up here. Because I’m older. I have a number of tools in this battered old toolbox. And the awareness helps me remember that I can get one out. Might be it picking up the £200 phone, right? It might be that you need to cry. And actually, I needed to cry yesterday. I had an English mother from Liverpool and I was taught you don’t cry, stiff upper lip and carry on. And my father was the same thing. And so if you cried or were angry at the dinner table, you got sent to your room without eating. And I learned not to cry. And I was very sensitive and I couldn’t help it. I just came this way. That’s why I’m a good writer. It’s because I’m sensitive. But that’s back to what I talk about with my classes or my talks. Is that cry, cry, cry. There’s nothing except crying that will help that child’s grief inside of you, and it will bathe you.

Anne Lamott 00:38:45  It will hydrate you. It will baptize you. You know, it’ll water the seeds at your feet that you don’t even know what they are. Because birds flew by and drop them. Buckle up. Because something really incredible might spring from that. So again, it’s about unlearning what we were taught we should do, and instead finding out who we really are and how to live in a way that’s freer and flow, dear, and maybe a little bit sillier.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:34  I love that idea of sending your inner critic to the library. If you could get the inner critic really interested in the collected works of Tolstoy, you could keep it occupied for a while. There’s some long books in that catalog, for sure. I thought for a minute we might talk about prayer. I mean, you wrote a book called The Three Essential Prayers, which were. Hello. Thanks. Thanks. Wow.

Anne Lamott 00:39:58  Wow.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:59  In another book, you write that one prayer you would say, you know, has helped me start walking in your general direction.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:06  And the greatest prayer helped me not be such an asshole, right? Yeah.

Anne Lamott 00:40:11  Yeah, yeah. One day at a time. My father was an atheist and an intellectual and just had contempt for people who prayed. But he had one moral value that he agreed to. We were taught to remember people’s names no matter what their station in life, no matter if they work in the back room at the Mobil gas station or whoever they were. Remember people’s names and don’t be an asshole. And you know, those two rules have served me well.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:37  In the latest book, you talk about something that a man told you about a prayer, right? You said that instead of reciting some standard flowery recovery prayer. He said whatever, right? And at night, when he turned off his light to go to sleep, he said, oh well.

Anne Lamott 00:40:54  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:55  What does that signify to you? What about that resonates with you?

Anne Lamott 00:40:58  Well, you know, a lot of us in recovery say these sort of beautiful prayers that are common to all of us who are staying sober or not binging or not being anorexic or gambling addicts.

Anne Lamott 00:41:12  There are these beautiful, profound, meaningful prayers. And they ask that we be relieved of our obsession with ourselves and that we be there for others, and that we learn to forgive a tiny bit better than we’re able to currently, or whatever. And they’re very beautiful. But the old timers that I talked to, this is, you know, July of 1986 said, in the morning when I wake up, I just say, whatever. Life is going to be very lively. That goes without saying. And whatever comes, you know, I have the tools to deal with it. If I’m not being a pig and then at night when you might be looking back over your day and thinking about how many blessings there were, how many things there were, were you definitely could have done better, or given the person a little bit more of your time or patience, or you could have made this decision or whatever, instead of like holding a flashlight on himself, with with judgment or with this concern, he just goes, oh, well, you know, still sober, still seeking union with God, still trying to be friendlier to myself.

Anne Lamott 00:42:26  Oh, well, whatever. It’s fine.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:28  Yeah, I love that. It makes me think of something that came to mind a couple of minutes ago when you were talking about the inner critic, and I think it’s the subtlety here of something, which is that the inner critic is a, to use your husband’s word, a parasite. Right. We might say it’s an exaggerated version of something, but being able to be critical of ourselves, to look at what we’ve done, you know what we might want to change. What we might want to be different is a useful skill in the same way that, like in AA, they talk about doing a nightly inventory, right? You know, looking back at the day. So how do you balance those two things? Right. Which is on one hand, we learn by reflecting on what we’ve done, and we see where we could do something better and different that’s healthy. But then taken too far, it’s the perfectionism and the shame that we talked about.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:19  How do you think about balancing those things?

Anne Lamott 00:43:21  Well, here’s what I would say. If you and I are sitting together and you’re telling me some stuff on your inventory that you were impatient with somebody today, or that you were secretly very judgmental of them and it made you feel really toxic? I’m not going to say, oh my God, Eric, you what? Like you’ve got 25 years of of being on this very deep, profound spiritual path. You know, I don’t talk to you that way. I would say, oh, honey, you know what? We all do that and it’s a drag. And it says in our literature that no human power could relieve us of that. And, you know, you need to be a retired higher power because you’re not a good higher power to yourself because you’re so mean to yourself. And I would say that to you now, where I talk that way to me.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:13  Yeah.

Anne Lamott 00:44:13  With me I might go, oh my God, I did that again.

Anne Lamott 00:44:19  I don’t know how many times I have prayed and written and God boxed it about. I did it again. God, you know, that’s how I talk to myself without intervention and without many, many years under my belt of the three A’s. Again, the awareness, the acceptance, the action. Of course, I talk to myself. That’s how my parents talk to myself. You did that again. But you. Last time you did it, you got it, you know. Awareness. Acceptance. Action. And the action for. For me with you would be to put my hand on your shoulder with permission, gently, and say. You know what? Same. You know. And God box it, and then you get more aware of it and you start to do it next time. And you grab yourself by the wrist and say, stop, honey. So that’s where I would differentiate between an inventory, between the harshness that we bring to our own judgment of ourselves, and the gentleness with which we listen to a brother or a sister share something that is very troubling for them.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:23  That’s a great way of really framing it up. It seems to me that for you, recovery is what brought you, to a large degree, to the faith that you have, the Christian faith that you have today. Would that be a semi accurate statement?

Anne Lamott 00:45:38  No. Okay. I think recovery kept me alive for the work that I had been doing for all of my life, really. But I had found this funny little church that was mostly black and a lot of people from the Deep South who’d come up during the Great Migration and were basically secretly Baptist, although it was a Presbyterian church. They took me in a year before I got sober, and I was I was the way we are, you know? Yeah, I was a little smelly and, you know, just devastated and freaked out sometimes. And arrogant. Right. It’s that beautiful combination. Yeah. And they kept me alive. And they set me on the path that ended up with me converting and becoming a Sunday school teacher. Not long after then I was a year later, I got the miracle.

Anne Lamott 00:46:26  I mean, the central miracle from which all blessings flow, which was that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. But my church didn’t keep me sober. Sobriety didn’t give me what my community of believers of left wing, progressive, hardcore Christians could give me. So. And it’s all of a past. It’s all of a weave, you know? It’s all the drugs. Really got me someplace. I’m not sure anything else would have all over. The unfortunate part was that I was probably going to die. Yeah. And then it wore off. That was the thing with the drugs or with the acid or the mushrooms or the whatever it was that it wears off and that, you know, the elevator’s going in one direction, which is down, and you don’t know if you’ll be alive when the elevator stops at the next floor.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:12  Yeah, yeah. So the reason I asked that question is because for me, recovery sort of pushed me into caring more about a spiritual life. I’d already had those interests in leanings.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:25  Right? But it kind of it pushed me in that direction. And then conversely, what it ended up doing after being somebody who tried to sort of get with the God program, right? It was also finally recovery. That was the thing that ended up driving me sort of out of that paradigm and framework more into a Buddhist framework. And the reason was, and I’m just curious how you reconcile this with yourself, because I’m sure you do in probably a great way. Is it the idea that God was what was keeping me sober?

Anne Lamott 00:48:00  Oh,

Eric Zimmer 00:48:01  And then seeing that, like all sorts of people I loved were dying, right? People who came to meetings, who did the same things I did and yet they were dying. I really had this very difficult idea that somehow, by the grace of God, God’s grace kept me sober. But God’s grace didn’t keep you sober or keep you alive. And I eventually couldn’t reconcile that. And I’m curious how that is reconciled in your life.

Anne Lamott 00:48:25  Well, you know, I just don’t overthink things.

Anne Lamott 00:48:29  that’s I mean, I do, but it leads me nowhere. You know why. It’s not a useful question, in my experience, and everyone I know who’s sober, who has some kind of higher power sees it very differently. They might see it as when we live near a mountain called Mount Carmel Pious at the Coastal Miwok worship, and some people have turned to that, to the beauty and majesty of that mountain as a power greater than themselves or a lot of Buddhist friends. And so there’s a line in the literature of recovery that says that instead of a personal god or, you know, Casper the Friendly Ghost or the fairy dad and the clouds with a long beard, that there’s an unexpected inner resource. Hey. And I find that very touching. And with the people I’ve tried to be there for to help them get sober over the years, a lot of them don’t want anything to do with God, per se, but they can. The Buddhist thing is sort of good, orderly direction. Yeah.

Anne Lamott 00:49:31  Or the group had drunks, or the great outdoors, or the grace over drama. But people, if they’re desperate enough to want to give up this one thing that they love more than anything else, but that is killing them and has destroyed their family. There’s a way. Yeah, but a lot of people actually don’t want to. They want to not like me for years. I mean, I was a hopeless drunk for years. I just believed that I could figure it out, you know, and that I could break some sort of code so that I could stop after 5 or 6 social drinks every single night. And the non habit forming marijuana that I smoked on a daily basis for 20 years, and at some point I’ve heard in 12 step programs that step zero as this shit has got to stop. And for me, it kept not stopping. I kept working with it. I kept thinking, okay, it’s tequila. I don’t do well with tequila, okay? Meth does not work. The third day is really a problem, you know, and for some reason, and I have to say, it was the movement of grace in my life I ran out of any more good ideas? Yeah.

Anne Lamott 00:50:38  It was the dark night of the soul where I’d been many, many, many times, as all alcoholics have been, and I had run out of any more good ideas. Yep, I was done. Yep. And that’s my prayer. That’s my prayer for people that I know that are still drinking, or binge eating or anorexic or gambling. My prayer for them is they reach that place where they run out of any more good ideas.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:04  It was interesting for me because I got sober as a homeless heroin addict, and I stayed sober for about eight years, and I really sort of did my best to again, this is 1994, in Columbus, Ohio. And so when people talked about a higher power, we didn’t have the California vibe going, right. You know, higher and higher power had a fairly specific meaning that long ago. And. Right, right. And so I tried really hard and it worked and I got sober. But like I said, what I described is that question about, you know, why or some of us.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:35  And then also a couple really difficult things in my life happened. And I realized I didn’t have a faith that truly made sense to me. And then I went back out and I drank. I never used heroin. It’s funny you say that about like, crystal meth not working, because that was basically my rationalization was like, well, you know, heroine’s a bad idea. We all can agree on that. I just won’t do that. Right? And when I came back then I was like, okay, I’ve got to figure this higher power out. And I did.

Anne Lamott 00:52:02  Well, you know, there’s a sister program for alcoholics in which people with tiny, tiny control issues who think that they can save and fix and rescue the alcoholic or the drug addict gather. And one of their battle cries is figure it out is not a good slogan. You know, when I was done July 7th, 1986, I didn’t have a beautiful moment of being done. It was a nightmare that I might have to give this up.

Anne Lamott 00:52:31  I had no other way to get through life and I wanted to stay alive. I felt like my life force was still tugging at my shoulders, and what I basically said to God at that moment was with my arms crossed was what, you know, find what? And it was just what. And I already had. I had like this big Jesus. He like had a church. But the problem was that the God of my understanding and I thought I was a piece of shit because of the way that I’ve been living all those years, what I’ve been doing, what I’ve done to women, what I’ve done to just, you know, the drill. And so what sobriety brought me into was a way of life where my higher power and the group of drunks and good, orderly direction of staying sober one day at a time, help me understand that God thought I was fabulous, you know, and that God was teaching me. When I teach my Sunday school kids, which you are loved and chosen and I adore you as is.

Anne Lamott 00:53:32  Come as you are. I want you. So that was about the most radical change that could ever be in a person’s spirituality. You know. Right. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:42  Yeah. Before you check out, pick one insight from today and ask, how will I practice this before bedtime? Need help turning ideas into action? My free weekly Bites of Wisdom email lands every Wednesday with simple practices, reflection, and links to former guests who can guide you even on the tough stuff like anxiety, purpose and habit change. Feed your good wolf at one you feed.net newsletter again one you feed.net letter. I think that is a beautiful place for us to wrap up on that idea that you are wonderful and loved as is. You and I are going to talk a little bit longer in the post-show conversation, where I’m going to unveil my single favorite line that I’ve come across in your writing, and we’ll talk about a couple of things. Listeners, if you’d like access to post-show conversations and ad free episodes, and joy of supporting something that means something to you. Go to oneyoufeed.net/join. thank you so much. It is really such an honor to have you on.

Anne Lamott 00:54:45  Oh thank you, I love being here.

Eric Zimmer 00:54:47  Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity. But we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom. One episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the one You Feed community.

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Episode Transcript:

Amy Kurtz 00:00:02  The goal isn’t perfection, but that on the other side of really full blown stress responses, you can get to a place where you are so intimately connected with yourself that if something comes on, you know how to deal with it. You are empowered, you’re in control, and that it will never feel as big as a tidal wave again, to the point where the real lesson is that’s what life’s all about. Getting knocked down, getting back up over and over and over again.

Chris Forbes 00:00:44  Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have. Quotes like garbage in, garbage out or you are what you think ring true. And yet, for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking. Our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living.

Chris Forbes 00:01:20  This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:28  I’m a big fan of the Serenity Prayer. Except what? You can’t change. Change what you can. The problem is, we act like everything goes in one column or the other, but a chronic illness is in both columns. There’s acceptance work and there’s change work, and we don’t get to just pick one of them. Amy Kurtz knows this territory. She saw 36 doctors before one finally diagnosed late stage Lyme disease. And her new book. But you look fine. Trapped in the hell between sick and well. And How to Break Free is about the grey area. Our culture pretends doesn’t exist. I’m Eric Zimmer, and this is the one you feed. Hi, Amy, welcome to the show.

Amy Kurtz 00:02:13  Thanks for having me.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:15  I’m really excited to have you on to talk about your new book called, But You Look Fine trapped in the Hell Between Sick and Well and How to Break Free.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:27  There’s a great song in that title too. Some, you know, a songwriter could write a great song. You’ve given them a fair portion of what is necessary, by the way.

Amy Kurtz 00:02:36  No one’s ever said that. Do you want to write the song?

Eric Zimmer 00:02:39  Well, maybe. Yeah, I mean, so I used to be a songwriter, and I haven’t written a full song in a long time. I still compose music. I still occasionally write poetry, but I haven’t put the two together. In a way, it feels like something that is just slipped beyond my grasp. It’s more that I would need to recommit myself to the process. Just like anything, I have to learn how to do it again. So maybe this will be the one that I write. We’ll see. However, before we get into more about songwriting and your book, we’ll start like we always do with the parable. And in the parable, there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:21  One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops. They think about it for a second. They look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

Amy Kurtz 00:03:48  I love this so much. It’s so thoughtful. It makes me think of what I think about often, which is to everybody’s light there is dark, and even when you meet the brightest light, there will be the opposite. But. Everything that we are is love at our purest, most innocent place. Like when we come into the world. And to me, the key is hanging on to that pure, unconditional love for yourself and for everyone around you.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:24  That’s a beautiful, beautiful perspective. So I want to talk about your book and get into the details of it.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:35  But first, I mean, the title makes it clear that you have been trapped in the hell between sick and well, which means you’ve been sick. You’ve been well. Talk to us about the sickness part of it so people understand kind of what led you into this.

Amy Kurtz 00:04:51  Okay, I’m going to preface it with this as intense. Okay. When I was 14, I started having debilitating back pain and I went from being a carefree, energetic, vibrant young kid to being a 14 year old girl, which is hard enough on its own. And then add to it this sudden bout of really intense back pain, and nobody could diagnose what the root cause of it was. I now know later that it definitely was Lyme disease, but at the time no specialist that I saw, and it wasn’t for lack of privilege or being able to see good doctors, but nobody could diagnose what it was. And so the approach was just to like mitigate the pain with anti-inflammatories and stuff that like kind of worked but not really.

Amy Kurtz 00:05:47  And so that was the first moment in my life where I really experienced like a major pivot, where I felt like I went from being carefree to always being aware of being in physical pain. And then when I was 25, after college, which I think is another really pivotal part of your life, where you’re figuring out who you are and who you want to be in the world. I went abroad and I got very sick, probably from something I ate, but it was really just the tipping point and it sounds as intense as it is. I gained £30 in 30 days. I could barely catch my breath. My hair was shedding. I couldn’t keep food down. My body was in a complete emergency. I was literally walking to the top of the Masada in Israel, behind all the elderly people going, oh my God, something is seriously going wrong. And I ended up moving home with my parents at 25 and going to doctor after doctor. That just wasn’t giving me clear answers, and I knew that something was so wrong and I could barely get in to see people.

Amy Kurtz 00:06:52  And I realized in that moment that I had to take my health into my own hands. And so I went from seeing primarily Western minded physicians to eastern. And now I’ve landed somewhere in the middle and respect both. But I got diagnosed with things, but not things that were totally it. Like, I have hypothyroidism. That’s real. Taking medication for thyroid made me feel so much better, but I can look back at that period in my life and see that I was treading water and that my baseline had just shifted, and I didn’t really know what normal should feel like anymore. And it was in that time that I wrote my first book, Kicking Sick, because I remember sitting on the floor of my parents, my old bedroom, my parents house at the time, and looking for a way to help myself from this intense fatigue. I mean, I went from this, like, vibrant person to a shell of myself, and my world became the size of a hospital room, and I was looking for something to help my spirit while I was physically suffering, and all I could find was how to be sick and tired.

Amy Kurtz 00:08:04  And I just was never going to accept that narrative for myself. So I decided to take all of my pain and my hard experiences and create a resource guide for people at that time, specifically women, to thrive through a challenging experience that could otherwise be extremely sidelining or life defining. I really wanted it to be transformative and empowering, but it wasn’t until the press of that book that I realized I don’t have a handle on what’s going on, and I felt like such a fraud. I looked like the picture of glowing health and happiness on the cover of that book, and I would come home from press that was beyond my dreams for what that book could be. And I will come home and just crash and feel like I took this mask off my face. Yeah. And I was having almost an internal crisis of like, I have to keep going. I have to find the energy. I’m not well enough to do it, and I feel like a faker. But I thought I was better before I did this, so it was really confusing and it made me decide to go to my 36th doctor.

Eric Zimmer 00:09:16  That’s a lot of doctors.

Amy Kurtz 00:09:17  That’s a lot. But something inside of me knew that something was wrong. And I listened to my instinct, and I did a lot of research and found a really wonderful doctor. And you have to bring all your medical records, which for me, it was like a Harry Potter anthology of of medical labs.

Eric Zimmer 00:09:37  And it’s the story of the Dementors is basically what it’s called. Keep the Harry Potter analogy going.

Amy Kurtz 00:09:44  And it also is it’s painful to go from doctor to doctor and feel like you might leave disappointed or heartbroken. Yeah, but I believed in myself and this doctor had a really good reputation, and I did whatever I could to get in to see him, and he did all the tests again and said, I’m super clear on what’s going on here. And I’m like, you are. Because nobody had ever said that to me before. And he said, you have late stage Lyme disease and co-infections. And the hard news is that the treatments are really hard. But the good news is you will feel like you have another body.

Amy Kurtz 00:10:21  I was just like dumbfounded. But everything inside my body knew it was true. It was like it reverberated through my entire being, and I just knew that I had finally gotten the right answer. And I was so proud that I hadn’t given up on myself because it would have been very easy too many times. Yeah, but I also felt a tremendous amount of grief for the years of my life that were so singularly focused on getting better.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:50  This is speculation and probably not even important speculation, but I can’t resist asking. Do you think that the reason it took that long to get that diagnosis is because we didn’t know as much about Lyme disease when you started this as when you finally found a doctor? Wasn’t that your doctors were incompetent? It’s just that we didn’t. It was this was not on people’s radar in the same way that it is today.

Amy Kurtz 00:11:13  Well, first of all, I grew up outside of Philly, so I grew up in the Lyme belt. And yet no one I ever saw ever talked about Lyme in my personal life or at any of the doctors.

Amy Kurtz 00:11:22  It just wasn’t something in the 90s that was ever talked about.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:26  Exactly. Yeah. I mean, we’ve come a long way. Yeah, exactly. It was not.

Amy Kurtz 00:11:29  Yeah. But I also feel that we’re still significantly behind. And, you know, in recent years, with it growing into such an epidemic and celebrities becoming public and saying that they have Lyme disease, it has finally gotten the attention that it deserves. But it’s a very complicated disease and it’s known as the great imitator. So it’s very hard to diagnose if you’re not seeing a Lyme literate doctor. I saw Fantastic doctors for the most part, and it just took me getting to a specialist with complex chronic diseases to be able to diagnose it correctly.

Eric Zimmer 00:12:05  The great imitator is a very interesting term, and I think.

Amy Kurtz 00:12:08  It’s also creepy.

Eric Zimmer 00:12:09  It’s a creepy term, but it also makes me think of lots of other things that like when you get into some of these conditions and you just described it perfectly, like you get overlapping issues that you can’t figure out which is which.

Eric Zimmer 00:12:25  Oh, it’s my thyroid. It does need fixed. Okay. Well, that it does make things better, but that wasn’t all that was happening. And I think about this a lot in in the areas that I spend more time like depression, addiction, anxiety, there’s often so many causes and conditions under there. You start peeling one off and it’s like it’s a little bit better, but it often feels like these things imitate each other to a high degree. You know, like fatigue is one of those things. It’s like almost every condition you describe. Fatigue is in the heart of it. So you’re like, well, that doesn’t seem to narrow anything down, right? It’s just tricky.

Amy Kurtz 00:13:08  Yeah it’s true. I agree.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:13  Okay. So back to your story. You’ve been diagnosed with Lyme disease finally. And you start the path towards recovery from that.

Amy Kurtz 00:13:22  Yeah. So I just knew that it was true. And I started to do the treatments and they were really hard. But then I started to feel better and better and better.

Amy Kurtz 00:13:33  But once I physically started feeling better, I started to feel bad in a whole new way. And I didn’t even know what I was feeling because I’ve always been into self-development. I’ve always been a seeker and I’ve been in therapy, but I just couldn’t even name what I was experiencing. And what I was struggling with the most is that our society says you’re either sick or you’re well, and that there’s no space in between. And if you’re well, you should be grateful. That’s the messaging. But it was impossible for me to not have a reaction to what had happened to me. And 194 million Americans have at least one chronic health condition. That’s not even including the acute conditions. But what I really started to think about and experience in my own life was that I had been in physical survival stress for so long that my physical body was better, but my mind didn’t get the memo, and I didn’t know what I was experiencing because nobody had ever told me that this might happen, and it wasn’t until my husband took me on the worst date ever and said, maybe worst, best date now because it really helped me.

Amy Kurtz 00:14:54  He said, I feel like there’s another phase of this that you’re struggling with. You’ve been through so much and it’s incredibly traumatic. And it was like when he said it, I was sort of dumbfounded. And then I just started thinking and thinking and I was like, wow. Yeah. All the invalidation, all the gaslighting, the years of my life lost, the grief of trying to process who you thought you’d be and what you had wanted for your life. It was so intense. But when you’re in survival, you just shelve all the bad behavior, all of the hard things, because you don’t have time, because you have to deal with the problem. Yeah. And it was like, once I finally got better, everything else came up for the taking, and I was experiencing extreme, debilitating anxiety, hypervigilance, obsessiveness. I was so afraid that everything was going to come back and that it wasn’t going to stay the way that it was, and I just couldn’t figure out why it was so tense all the time.

Eric Zimmer 00:16:11  I want to hit on a couple things there real quick. We’re going to move into the phrase that you’ve coined to describe what you’re going through. But I want to go back to this trapped in the hell between sick and well, because I think this idea of you’re either sick or you’re well is just another of the binaries that we tend to try and put everything into that are actually not real, right? I mean, there’s just all these different places, such a spectrum in between those, and it is really difficult sometimes to wrap your head around. So I’ll give you like my own example, right? So I used to have really debilitating depression. I don’t have that now, but I do have a certain degree of anhedonia, which is a depressive symptom. I have restless leg syndrome, which is mostly well treated, except when it comes back and I can’t sleep for two weeks. Right. So I’m not quite fully well, but I’m also not sick in the way that I once was with both those conditions.

Eric Zimmer 00:17:16  And I do think that there’s a lot of nuance that goes into how to think about that. Like, how do I be grateful for the parts of my health that are good without denying the challenges that I’m having? Like, how do I balance both of those things? I think is something that you talk about a lot.

Amy Kurtz 00:17:32  Yeah, I really struggle with that binary, and I feel like I was so confused because I felt physically better than I’ve ever felt in my life. I actually feel like I’m Benjamin buttoning. I love aging more than anyone because I’ve already felt like I was 100. So it’s just getting better and better. But my mind was struggling in such a different way. And when it comes to illness, it’s really a mistake to buy into this fallacy that once the illness is over, you’ll just be back to your old self. I mean, everybody says, just get back on the horse. There is no horse. The horse left so long ago.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:09  Yeah. There’s no back to normal.

Amy Kurtz 00:18:11  Yeah. And there’s this weird place where you’re not sick enough or people say you look fine. Yeah, but you’re not well, either. Yeah, and that feels like a fresh hell to me. And I just feel like it’s so important not to pave over your pain from whatever that’s from. Because putting on a happy mask for the sake of others is only isolating yourself further. It’s. I really feel we have a loneliness epidemic in our country, and I can’t think of anything more lonely than living with an invisible illness that other people can’t see. I mean, it’s just really a mistake to accept the notion of the binary. You’re either sick or you’re well, and it’s not black and white. And the truth is that people are really suffering in the grey. And I was experiencing a psychic suffering that I could not explain because it hadn’t been named.

Eric Zimmer 00:19:08  So you went on to name it. So let’s move there. What what do you call this?

Amy Kurtz 00:19:13  I named this medical trauma brain, or MTBE, and it is the emotional neurological imprint of having lived with a debilitating health condition.

Amy Kurtz 00:19:27  And I named it because I couldn’t find it. And I kind of think it’s funny because it’s sort of obvious when you think about it. Because how many people do you know that? I mean, for me, I have people in my life and people that I interviewed that that had, you know, debilitating migraines. It wasn’t until I told her this idea that I had and how I was feeling that she admitted that she actually realized she doesn’t have migraines anymore. But at the onset of any symptoms, she was already in a dark room. Yeah. Bracing for impact. Yeah. The same thing happens after a cancer patients in remission and they go back for their scan. The same thing happens if a Lyme patient is better and they have a twinge of joint pain. It’s like you go from 0 to 11 and there’s no way to stop the fear looping. And so I interviewed a lot of physicians and I said, have you seen anything like this? These are really great doctors. And they would say at first, well, you know, now that you say it, yes, there is, there are those patients that get better, but they’re not acting as if they’re better.

Amy Kurtz 00:20:39  And I’m like, that’s exactly it. What is it called? And nobody could tell me. Yeah. And so then I started researching a lot for what became this book. It’s not exactly post-traumatic stress disorder because that’s usually based on a singular traumatic event. It’s also not complex post-traumatic stress disorder. While that’s closer and sort of like its sister from another mister, because it’s when the event happens over and over and over again. But what I was naming in MTV is the threat is your body because you no longer feel safe. And the way that that feels to me is a place I call the Shadowlands, where it was like my body was out to top us with my friends, but my mind was locked in a sandstorm desert so far away with no way out. And I didn’t, I just sort of felt like I was in the upside down world in Stranger Things. I didn’t really know what was happening, but I know I wasn’t fully there.

Eric Zimmer 00:21:40  Yeah. That is a really important naming of a particular thing, I think.

Eric Zimmer 00:21:48  I don’t know what’s widespread out there. I just do a show and to me, all these ideas seem normal now, right? But, I mean, I had a bunch of people on over the years chronic illness, chronic pain, and certainly a big thread of that is the mental and emotional component that we’re stacking on top of. And I don’t want to make that sound like a blame thing. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying there’s a big component of all this that is mental and emotional, but you’re naming something very, very specific, right? Which is this accumulated trauma of really, you know, having your life just completely upended for so many years and all the things you mentioned, not being believed, not knowing, I mean, not knowing is hard. Yeah, right. I mean, it’s really hard to be like, I don’t know what is wrong with me. Something clearly is. But I have no idea what it is. That’s really. I mean, we just don’t do well with that as humans.

Amy Kurtz 00:22:43  I love how you said that, because it’s true. I think one of the biggest, at least for me with my anxiety was lack of certainty.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:52  Yeah, yeah, life is uncertain all the time, right? But in these conditions, it’s particularly exacerbated. We’re focused so much on this thing which is consuming all of our time, our energy, our thoughts. It’s it’s overwhelming. So to be uncertain about that is different than being uncertain about whether my job is going to exist. I mean, that’s pretty high level of uncertainty that a lot of people are living through. But health is its own creature, right? There’s that old saying like, I don’t remember exactly what it is, but it’s basically like once you become unhealthy, you don’t think of anything else. It’s the only thing. So to be uncertain about the primary factor of your life is really difficult.

Amy Kurtz 00:23:36  Well, yeah. That’s true. It’s really hard. It feels like a rug is ripped out from underneath you.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:44  So I want to explore this idea in a couple of directions, because you lay out this basic idea, which I think we’ve covered well enough that people understand it.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:54  We may go into some of the specific ways it shows up, but I want to explore it through two lenses. Right. Because one lens is the one you’re describing, which is I got better, maybe not all the way. Well, right. We recognize we’re somewhere on a continuum, but I am significantly better than I was. And thus I have resources to begin the healing process from medical trauma brain. There’s another class of people, though, that are not necessarily getting well right there in what you would call survival mode. And yet, I think for people that are in that place, having tools to work with, what’s happening emotionally and mentally is valuable work. And so do you think that the ideas of, you know, medical trauma brain, as in I’m kind of looking back on it versus being in it. How does somebody who’s still in it work with this?

Amy Kurtz 00:24:55  Oh, I mean, I really feel like I stepped out of it after I finished the book. And that doesn’t mean that I don’t still get triggered, but it just means that I get triggered less.

Amy Kurtz 00:25:07  And I really wanted to first name and experience that millions of people are living with and don’t have language for. I want to validate them, that I see them, I understand them, I am them, and I believe them. Yeah. And that’s one of the most important parts of healing. But I also wanted to interview some of the world renowned experts on mental health and trauma therapy and somatic experiencing because I wanted to give people resources. I also wanted to allow them to make their own toolkit, and a lot of the things that are in the book. You can find free online. I mean, if you can see someone, a counselor, a therapist, I highly recommend it. I honestly think everyone should be in therapy. It’s an extremely healthy thing. but I really wanted to provide a full framework for all of the things that they could start with. And for me, I started with cognitive behavioral therapy. I mean, I was having debilitating anxiety. I couldn’t think of anything but fear.

Amy Kurtz 00:26:14  Yeah. And I don’t even think I said that in the book, but that’s how I felt. And that was great. And it was helpful. And it gave me tools for how to understand my stress response and take my stress level down. But then there was another component that you can’t push through, which is trauma. You cannot get out. You can’t train your brain to push through pain like that. And then I spoke with somatic leader world leader Peter Levine, and he gave a lot of exercises. Just simple things you can do to orient, to titrate, to teach you how to slowly reconnect with your body. Because for me, when I was in survival, I went into this experience listening to myself. I got myself to the doctor. I knew something was wrong. However, with the experience of really pervasive long term illness, I had started believing other people more than myself. And one of the things that I hope people get out of reading this book is that it’s imperative that you understand that an experience like this, whether it’s acute or chronic, that feels like the rug has been ripped out from under you.

Amy Kurtz 00:27:33  Your entire life has changed and everything you thought it would be. That is a trauma. And the only way you heal from trauma is nervous system regulation.

Eric Zimmer 00:27:43  Check in for a moment. Is your jaw tight? Breath shallow. Are your shoulders creeping up? Those little signals are invitations to slow down and listen. Every Wednesday, I send weekly bites of wisdom. A short email that turns the big ideas we explore here in each show. Things like mental health, anxiety, relationships, purpose into bite size practices you can use the same day it’s free. It takes about a minute to read and thousands already swear by it. If you’d like extra fuel for the weekend, you also get a weekend podcast playlist. Join us at one UFI newsletter. That’s one you get a newsletter and start receiving your next bite of wisdom. All right, back to the show. So I want to back up a step or two because this is all really good. But I want to go back to therapy and then CBT because CBT is a form of therapy.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:44  So you said you’ve been in therapy talk therapy for a long time and maybe that was beneficial. Maybe it wasn’t, but it was the CBT. That sort of was a really important part of therapy. And CBT is a talk therapy. So talk to me about the difference that you found when you were doing general therapy and CBT.

Amy Kurtz 00:29:03  Well, I don’t want to knock anything, but let’s just say I had been in talk therapy for ten years before I realized how anxious I was and how much it was controlling my life, and I got a lot of things out of it. But I do feel it’s really important if anybody is seeking a therapist to work with someone who understands complex illness, because I think that’s just such a major part of being able to process what’s happening to you is to have somebody who really gets you. That’s the most important thing I think in finding a therapist or a doctor is somebody who really understands you and who believes you. Cognitive behavioral therapy I started because I had read that it was really good for anxiety, and it gave me a framework for which to help myself.

Amy Kurtz 00:29:51  And so much of having been a patient was so disempowering that it empowered me to help myself. And that felt really good in itself. Like just the framework of it made sense to me, because it allowed me to get in the driver’s seat and try to understand my mind and the way it works, and how I can get stuck in a fear loop. I go to worst case scenario, when I get scared and I learn tools from the Sud scale to the maybes to the talk backs. That really helped. And I actually interviewed a really wonderful CBT therapist in the book that gives readers a bunch of tools that they could start with. But for me, that was really key as starting to learn. Okay. Will this matter in two weeks? Two months? Two years? Is this actually an emergency? Because what had happened is I named this in the book. But my survival stress I call super freak because when I get scared, she flies in with like a cape, glasses on sideways and will alert me like everything is an emergency, everything is danger.

Amy Kurtz 00:31:03  And now I can kind of be like, okay, let’s evaluate reality here. But for a while I couldn’t. I felt like I had become that, and I had to work really hard and commit to myself because I wanted better for my life. And I didn’t want to feel like there was this ghost following me around everywhere I went.

Eric Zimmer 00:31:44  So I want to say what CBT is just for anybody who doesn’t know. And this is going to be a summary that hundreds of therapists will probably object to. But it’s basically the process of learning to see the ways in which your thoughts are distorted and how to counter those or replace them. And so you gave the five hours, five days, five weeks, which is one of my best all purpose tools. It’s in my book for how to deal with like stuff that happens when I find myself getting agitated. I’m like, is this going to matter in five hours, five days, five weeks? And the answer almost always is no.

Amy Kurtz 00:32:20  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:20  And if it is, if the answer is yes, that’s good to know too, because then I’m like, oh, well, this actually does matter.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:25  This is worth spending time on. So that’s one tool you mentioned the maybes. What are the maybes?

Amy Kurtz 00:32:33  Well, I can just. If I got stressed, I would go from 0 to 100 so fast and I really would have to question my fears. And something that I did was just say them out loud, ridiculously like ten times in a row. And it just kind of made me laugh. Like, this is so absurd. Like, this is not going to happen. But also, I think I’ve really learned that space is really important. So if you have a knee jerk reaction to act or that you’re triggered, or you want to respond in a way, or for me, manage something or control it, I just say to stop, drop and roll and wait an hour. And if you can, way to sleep because you will be shocked at how much your stress response will turn down if you give it a little spaciousness. When we get stressed, it can feel like such an emergency.

Amy Kurtz 00:33:26  After you’ve been through something like that.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:29  And so the maybe is when you have a thought like this is a complete disaster, you say, well.

Amy Kurtz 00:33:35  Maybe, maybe it’ll be a disaster. Maybe it’ll be a disaster. Yeah, maybe it’ll be a disaster.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:40  Or maybe it won’t.

Amy Kurtz 00:33:41  Maybe it won’t be. Maybe it will be great. Maybe it will be great.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:44  Yeah, you may have heard it. And I know listeners have heard it to some degree. I won’t repeat it, but if you don’t know it, you’ll love it. It’s an old story of a Chinese farmer. That’s an old Daoist story. So anyway, you could look that up, listeners, you could look that up. Also, it’s probably been told in these shows, you know, 50 times over the years. Okay, so now we’ve got CBT and we’ve got a way of working with our thoughts and going, oh, that might not be right. Or I could think about it in a different way. All powerful stuff.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:13  And yet anybody who’s done this consistently will recognize there are times when your brain is not having it right. It just basically builds a stronger case, right? It just goes, no, you’re wrong. You don’t understand. And here’s why. And it just it almost escalates the situation. Yeah. And I think that what you’re saying is this is the trying to push through trauma apart.

Amy Kurtz 00:34:40  You can’t you can’t outsmart it. You can’t push through it. It will actually make you so much more stressed out if you try to push through it with your brain, because trauma is stored in the body. And what I learned for myself and in all of my research for this project, I learned that unless you start to listen to what your body is telling you on a very basic level, that’s also the thing is, when you’ve dealt with illness or any kind of adverse experience, you get very disconnected from your body’s messages. And especially in the world we live in, we live in such an external facing world and such a push through.

Amy Kurtz 00:35:22  Be resilient. You know, there’s so much on achieving. Instead of tuning in. And I found that it was impossible to recover without starting to learn how to check in with myself when I felt stressed out and see how my body was feeling and what it was trying to tell me, and practicing breathwork and, you know, reading books by like the brilliant Gabor Mate and Peter Levine helped tremendously.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:53  Okay. So we’re kind of in the tools and I think that’s a reasonable place for us to be. So a lot of times tools like what we’re talking about here and even this show talks about the idea of resilience. Those tools can help you become more resilient. But you talk about something called the resilience trap. So share with me what that is.

Amy Kurtz 00:36:17  For me, I always thought that being resilient was It’s such a great thing to be and I always saw myself as so resilient. And the truth is, if you’re dealing with an illness or a mental health challenge or anything, you have to be resilient because nobody cares more about you getting better than you.

Amy Kurtz 00:36:37  And also within the medical system, a lot of patients feel lost in this gray abyss instead of being understood in black and white terms. And so it demands that you be resilient if you want to get to the other side. And toxic resilience comes in when you have to constantly be resilient. It’s like being on a stress hamster wheel and it locks you in fight or flight and your brain gets rewired. And if you don’t realize this and realize that recovery from illness is so important, you won’t ever un wire what just happened? You can’t.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:21  Would you say that that is a form of. I’m putting words potentially into your mouth of performative resilience. Right. It’s the. I have to be fine. I have to tell my doctor I’m doing good. I think some of it’s probably that. But what else is in there?

Amy Kurtz 00:37:37  Well, that’s a really interesting question that nobody’s asked me, which is we’re taught when we’re young that in life you should choose authority over authenticity. As a child, you need your caregiver or the adult.

Amy Kurtz 00:37:55  So you oftentimes if there’s bad behavior or if things go wrong, you choose attachment over authenticity. But the problem is, when you’re an adult and you’re within this medical landscape, you also need the doctor. And so I think that pattern can repeat itself. And part of the recovery period is learning how to. be authentic and that not every doctor that’s the best is the best for you, and being a patient is extremely disempowering. I forgot what your other question was.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:34  Is it performative resilience?

Amy Kurtz 00:38:35  Oh, in some ways it’s performative. But also you learned very fast. If you have an invisible illness that nobody’s going to handle it. If you don’t step up to the plate. And within the landscape that we’re in now, we’re not set up to handle all of these complex chronic conditions. I mean, patients barely have time to be with the doctor for 15 minutes. Now there’s not there’s so much stress and emotion that goes into even just the doctor visit. And then there’s finding the right doctor. So I think at first maybe it becomes performative.

Amy Kurtz 00:39:15  For me it was, but then it became oh shit. If I don’t deal with this myself and manage everything and make sure everyone’s talking and be like, handle the burden of all of it, then I’m not going to get better.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:31  Yeah. And that’s unfortunately kind of a reality. Right. You have a line that says patients are 50% of the healing team and 100% responsible for how they treat themselves, making self-advocacy not optional, but essential.

Amy Kurtz 00:39:46  I think the medical landscape is disempowering for patients. And what I hope that people get from my messaging and from my books is that you have to step up to the plate. You have to be in the driver’s seat if you feel invalidated and misunderstood or dismissed. Move on. You very rarely would marry the first person you go on a date with. It’s the same here. It’s just that you have to be really clear with yourself in a different way of what do I need in a doctor? What’s important to me and my list is going to be different from everybody else’s.

Amy Kurtz 00:40:24  But you can feel free to move on if you don’t feel like you’re being believed. And while taking care of you don’t have to just accept care. If it doesn’t make you feel good and it’s not helping, and you’re allowed to come to the doctor’s office asking questions, you’re allowed to make sure that they treat people like you and they’ve had success. You’re allowed to ask what they would instruct their family member to do. You are allowed to do all of it. And the best news is, I would say 80% of what you do to live well, to truly live well, whether that’s nutrition, stress reduction, your personal mindfulness habits, exercise, all of that is up to you. That’s all out of the doctor’s office. And there is so much that we can do to improve our quality of life, no matter what, no matter what you’re dealing with. I’ve seen people with stage four cancer still improving their quality of life by doing things outside of the doctor’s office. You need to step into it because every challenge requires that you step into it.

Amy Kurtz 00:41:34  No matter how painful it is, you’re the only person that’s going to get help.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:40  Yeah. And that’s a that’s an unfortunate reality. But it is a reality, right? I mean, it is the reality that no one can come help us. Right. It’s it’s not our fault that we have what’s going on, but it ultimately does become our responsibility. It’s like if, you know, a tree falls on your house, it’s not your fault, but you’re still going to have to find some way to get the tree off your house. No one’s going to show up and do it. And I do think that is unfortunate, but true. And I think it’s where peer support and patient advocacy and some of this stuff is moving forward, where you get more actual, real support in certain cases from other people who understand what it’s like.

Amy Kurtz 00:42:25  I was just going to say that agency is the most important part of recovery for a patient. It’s literally crucial that you find agency, because being a patient with any kind of illness can be so disempowering, like deeply disempowering.

Amy Kurtz 00:42:44  And if you’re not reclaiming agency over your life, your choices, who you decide to see, what you decide to do, how you set up your life and your habits and how you live, and the air you breathe in, the water you drink and the the things you do to de-stress and sleep well and eat well, then you’ll never reach maximum potential.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:07  Yeah, I’ve talked to a couple groups of patients with chronic conditions, and I think about it from like the two types of change. Right. There’s the type of change that you now have, this thing, you have this diagnosis. You have very real limitations. You have real pain. You have real fatigue, you have all of this. And so there’s a learning to work with that more skillfully, which is some form of acceptance.

Amy Kurtz 00:43:31  Yes.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:32  And yet at the same time, there’s the other kind of change, the change that we initiate, the change that we keep doing, the ability to keep going back to doctors to try and get better answers, the ability, like you said, to move ourselves in one small bit, little bit by little bit.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:49  A theme of mine towards taking better care of yourself in different ways. And balancing those two is a little bit of a nuanced game.

Amy Kurtz 00:44:00  100%, and I really had a hard time with the acceptance piece. I thought I was doing it, I thought I accepted it, but it wasn’t until I was physically veteran I mentally started to struggle that I realized I had so much grief and I had just paved over it. Yeah, and it was really painful. But I think it’s imperative for anybody who’s in any kind of recovery to surrender to what has happened. I mean, my life changed so quickly. It looked so different than anything I ever thought it would be. And it was excruciating. I mean, I honestly had a memory where I felt like I went from 25 to 40 and I blinked and I would think about my life, as you know, in those superhero movies where the land splits and the hero jumps to the other side, I just would look at my life in two parts. But then I realized through all of my self-study and my my inner work, that just because I used to say, oh, well, that this is who I am, I am an actor.

Amy Kurtz 00:45:13  That’s who I always was going to be. This was my life path. I will get right back to it. I’ll get right back to it. And then when I was better, I realized there’s no going back. I mean, literally every facet of me has changed. Every facet of my life has changed. Every relationship I have has changed. Everything’s different. And yet it’s still my life. And I took what I loved about acting. Didn’t realize it at the time, but I channeled it into writing to save my spirit and to have a creative outlet and the acceptance of what has happened and what has happened to you and your life. If you don’t just get down on your knees and surrender to it, you won’t ever fully get better because you’ll always be trying to push past it.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:09  Yep, yep. And I think, like many things, acceptance and surrender. It’d be nice to accept and surrender 100%, but I don’t think any of us ever really do. Right. I mean, it’s just an ongoing process of trying to come to terms with what life brings us.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:27  You know, sooner come to terms with what life’s brought you, then it brings you something new. Yeah.

Amy Kurtz 00:46:31  Like, you know, it’s here. We go back down.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:33  Here we go again. Here we go again. I mean, but we can get better at it. You know, we can get better at learning. Like, I’m a big fan of the Serenity prayer, you know, change the things you can’t. The problem with it, though, that I’ve discovered recently, is I’ve really thought about it, is that we think that things go in one column or the other and they don’t. Yeah. A chronic illness is in both columns. There’s acceptance work to be done, and there’s change work to be done. And we don’t do well with that idea. It’s much nicer to be like, oh, right. I can’t change this even easier. When you can’t change something, truly can’t change it. It’s far easier to accept. If I had my leg amputated, as awful as that would be, I wouldn’t believe that I was going to get my leg back.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:25  It would be clear. There’s acceptance that has to happen there, but with chronic conditions, the challenge is always of course, but maybe I am going to get better. And so then it’s harder to accept. And I think that’s but understanding that that grey area is where the work is, at least for me, is important.

Amy Kurtz 00:47:45  Yeah, I totally agree 100%. It’s like the daily work.

Speaker 4 00:47:51  All right, let’s go back.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:52  Into tools for a minute. And you talk a lot about how we’re regulate our nervous system. You said that trauma healing happens through regulating our nervous system and changing our response to stress. And you have something you call the four Rs. Can you share those with me?

Amy Kurtz 00:48:09  Yeah. So when you have MTBE, you can go from 0 to 11 so quickly in terms of getting scared. And I created the four Rs to make it easy for people to create a framework for themselves. And step one is ready. Like a good Scout is always prepared, so it’s realizing that you might get triggered and how you get triggered.

Amy Kurtz 00:48:35  So for me, my heart speeds up really fast. I feel constricted breathing and I feel like prickles down my body. Or I get really physically tense. It’s important to one be able to recognize how do you experience the stress response so that you can start to feel when it’s happening to you. And then you determine on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is this stress? Like, am I out of one? Am I out of three? Am I out of ten? Because that will determine how you handle it, and making a list of things that really help you feel better. Like, I have an SOS pad on my note, on my notes, on my phone, and if I have a really bad day, I go to that notepad and I look at the things that really do help me, and I encourage people to start to when they’re in moments like this, learn what makes me feel better. Is it going for a walk outside? Is it dunking my face in ice water? Is it meditating? Is it doing box breathing for me? Diaphragmatic breathing.

Amy Kurtz 00:49:42  Doing it ten times is a huge thing. But that’s the routine is once you identify where you are on the scale, then the routine comes into implementing these tools that either I’ve given you here or that you’ve learned in your own life means some people just feel like playing with an animal is can be so calming for them. And that’s I really encourage people to learn about themselves and do that. And then the third R is a reality check. Like evaluating the the scenarios. So we had talked about before. Is this going to matter in two weeks, two months or two years? Questioning yourself is this actually an emergency? Can this wait a full hour? Is there any other possible scenario for what I’m thinking could be happening? And just like asking yourself, almost like having a stop sign where you stop, drop and read these questions so that you can start to help yourself through it. And that’s the reality check. And the last one is the reframe. So in that I talk a lot about, after you’ve learned what works for you and you’ve tried your routine, it’s really like, let’s say that you go to a grocery store and you sneak someone sneezes all over the apples that you’re about to pick.

Amy Kurtz 00:51:05  Now somebody’s fear. Thoughts might go. Oh my God, what if it’s Covid? What if I’m gonna get sick or what? You know, whatever the thought is. But it’s really like, okay, that happened. I wish they had covered their mouth, but what can I do to help myself? Which is wash my hands, maybe take some extra vitamin C and get some fresh air? You know what I mean? Like, it can be as simple as that. And I use that analogy because people could so quickly go with MTV. Oh my God, I’m getting it, or it’s coming back. And it’s really important to be able to reframe what has happened and also like acting as if is really helpful sometimes, like even if you feel terrible and let’s say that person sneezes and you’re scared, you have to just say, okay, that happened. I’m just going to act as if it didn’t. I’m going to take necessary precautions and I’m going to move on. But having all of these tools empowers you to help yourself when you feel horrible.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:13  Before you check out. Pick one insight from today and ask, how will I practice this before bedtime? Need help turning ideas into action? My free weekly Bites of Wisdom email lands every Wednesday with simple practices, reflection and links to former guests who can guide you even on the tough stuff like anxiety, purpose and habit change. Feed your good wolf at one you feed. Net newsletter again one you feed net letter. There’s so much great stuff there in what you just said. I mean, I think the first is this idea of it seems like we go from 0 to 100 instantly, and maybe early on we do. But as we develop tools, we start to see that maybe it’s over a three minute period that happens, right? And if we think of it being like a fire, the sooner you get to the fire, the easier it is to put out. Right. I mean.

Amy Kurtz 00:53:11  It’s great that you said that because Peter Levine in the book said, I said my stress response feels like wildfire.

Amy Kurtz 00:53:19  And he said, it is like that because it feels like this overwhelming chaos.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:24  Yeah. Yeah.

Amy Kurtz 00:53:26  I love that you use that analogy.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:28  And so the second thing in there that I really love is this idea of having what you’re going to do written down, or having the options for what you can do written down. Because I know for me, once I start to escalate, my brain can’t remember what to do. You know, if I can even remember, there is anything to do that’s a good step, let alone what it is.

Amy Kurtz 00:53:54  And having it right written. You go read. Yeah. Everything gets read.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:58  Yep. Yep. And having it written down is so very valuable. And I’ve shared this story before. But one of the things I know that helps me with depression or low mood is music. The problem for me, though, is that when I’m in that space, no music sounds good. When I look at my library of music, I’m like, no, no, no no no no, no, no, none of it.

Eric Zimmer 00:54:22  Because that’s the nature of what I’m experiencing is this inability to think anything is enjoyable. So I just have a playlist of music that I know tends to help me feel better, so I don’t have to go choose. I just go hit shuffle on that thing. I mean, that’s an example of what you’re talking about. But I also think just knowing like, oh, I could take a walk, I could breathe, I could. did you say, wrestle with tigers? No. Play with an animal. Play with an animal? Wrestling with tigers.

Amy Kurtz 00:54:53  That’s what you think is happening.

Eric Zimmer 00:54:54  That’s exactly. It’s exactly what you think is.

Amy Kurtz 00:54:56  The irrational thought.

Eric Zimmer 00:54:58  Right? That’s. That’s what we don’t want to be doing. yeah. If you have a very aggressive animal in your home. Now is not the time to pet it.

Amy Kurtz 00:55:05  When you’re well, I hope you don’t.

Eric Zimmer 00:55:07  But,

Amy Kurtz 00:55:08  Yeah, but also one thing that really helps me is orienting to my space. So just saying what is one thing I see? What is one thing I hear? What is something I smell and what is something I feel?

Eric Zimmer 00:55:21  Yeah, it’s one of my all time favorites too.

Amy Kurtz 00:55:24  It is.

Eric Zimmer 00:55:24  Yeah it is. Yeah. Both for that and also as a way of practicing learning to become more present even when I’m not in distress, because we say like be more present. And we’re like, well, okay, how do I do? Right, okay, I’m trying to be present. And I’m no sooner thinking about being present than I’m off thinking about something else. And so for me, I’ll just be walking around and like, what are five things I can see? You know, it just it’s sort of an anchor to.

Amy Kurtz 00:55:50  Me that, well, that’s like mindful meditation.

Speaker 4 00:55:53  Yes. So I would.

Eric Zimmer 00:55:54  Love to talk about what you talk about in the conclusion, which is you make an analogy of dealing with this as sort of like an Aikido master story was told.

Amy Kurtz 00:56:08  Share that a well-known aikido master. It was during a training session where he instructed his students to attack and they would one after one come after him, and he would stay so calm and present, and they’d all be exacerbated.

Amy Kurtz 00:56:26  And so like trying to gasped for air and they would say, oh, sensei, how do you stay so calm? Like, how are you not, you know, getting reactive. And he said, I am. I just pivot so fast that you can’t see it. And the goal of everything. I mean, I wrote it much better than I said it, but the goal of my book is to help patients to understand that triggers will happen. The goal isn’t perfection, but that on the other side of really full blown stress responses, you can get to a place where you are so intimately connected with yourself that if something comes on, you know how to deal with it. You are empowered, you’re in control, and that it will never feel as big as a tidal wave again, to the point where the real lesson is that’s what life’s all about. Getting knocked down, getting back up over and over and over again. And the key isn’t to try to not. It’s just try to try to live mindfully and presently, no matter what happens.

Amy Kurtz 00:57:39  And trust that you’ll always be able to handle it well.

Eric Zimmer 00:57:45  That is a beautiful place to wrap up. You and I are going to continue in the post-show conversation because I want to talk about Super Freak a little bit more. You’re the part of your brain that goes a little crazy because super freak shows up a couple times, and particularly super freak. Trying to meditate is a is a good one. So yeah. Listeners, if you’d like access to this post-show conversation, add free episodes. And crucially, if you want to support something that you value, go to one you feed net. Amy, thank you so much.

Amy Kurtz 00:58:22  Thank you so much.

Eric Zimmer 00:58:24  Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity. But we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the One You Feed community.

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Episode Transcript:

Paul Millard 00:00:00  The really hard to understand reality for many people is that a job container is probably not the right path for you, but if you are going to opt into that, you need to be fully aware of the trade offs you’re making and understand what are the principles that really matter to you and how do you prioritize those principles given the path you’re on or what you’re choosing to enter into?

Chris Forbes 00:00:30  Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts. We have quotes like garbage in, garbage out or you are what you think ring true. And yet for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf.

Erich Zimmer 00:01:14  Paul Millard has a quiet, uncomfortable equation in his book. For most people, he says a known discomfort, plus some way of coping with it, beats the unknown discomfort of blowing up your life and starting over. So you stay. You build the coping around the ache and call it fine. The question underneath this whole conversation is one that we all face eventually is the problem, the situation I’m in or the way I’m relating to it. Sometimes it’s best for us to change how we live inside a particular life. Sometimes we need to choose a different life. Paul walked away from consulting and wrote The Pathless Path about what came after. I’m Erich Zimmer and this is the one you feed. Hi, Paul. Welcome to the show.

Paul Millard 00:02:01  Hey, Eric. Excited to be here.

Erich Zimmer 00:02:03  Yeah, I’m excited to have you on. We’re going to be discussing your book, The Pathless Path Imagining a New Story for Work and Life. I came across you on Twitter, I think, and your good friends with Jonny Miller, who was a guest on the show.

Erich Zimmer 00:02:16  And I just kind of kept seeing your stuff for a little while, and I was like, I really want to talk to this guy. So I read the book. I’m really glad I did. So we’re going to be talking about it. But let’s start like we always do with the parable and the parable. There’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops. Think about it for a second and look up at their grandparent and say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you and your life and in the work that you do.

Paul Millard 00:02:59  Yeah, I was reflecting on it before this call, and I’ve listened to a number of your interviews, and I love this framing.

Paul Millard 00:03:05  It’s such a good jumping off point for a conversation. I think early in my life I didn’t feed either of them. And I guess you could say I fed fear a little in the form of sort of just fitting in and going along with things, but I just didn’t have the role models to be sort of an emotionally connected man in the world. And I think when I entered young adulthood, I sort of just drifted along, and I don’t think I was hyper aware of what was driving me. I just kept making impulsive decisions, jumping from company to company, chasing the next impressive accomplishment. But I didn’t have much self-awareness of why I was doing that or what really mattered to me. And it wasn’t until my mid 20s in which I started to actually get more in touch with those and then eventually leaving the corporate world. I think my journey has been a journey of really figuring out how to have a relationship with fear, love, bravery, courage, creativity, all those things. And I think to me, that’s really what life’s all about.

Erich Zimmer 00:04:13  That’s a really interesting framing to say that you don’t know that you were feeding either wolf, right? Or you weren’t conscious of which wolf you were feeding. You were kind of just feeding the wolf that was laid out in front of you as the next thing to do. You were accepting cultures, values. And I don’t mean culture broadly, although perhaps, but I also mean the culture that you were in, you know, which said, here’s the next thing you do, right? In the book, you refer to it a lot as the default path, right? It’s just you kind of follow what’s laid out in front of you. Let’s talk for a minute about the title of the book, which is called The Pathless Path. What drove that? And what does that mean to you?

Paul Millard 00:04:56  Yeah. So I discovered the phrase in a David White book. Have you read any of David White?

Erich Zimmer 00:05:02  I have, yep, I’ve read him and he’s been a guest on the show, and he’s a remarkable man.

Paul Millard 00:05:07  I didn’t know you interviewed him. I’m definitely listening to that right after this. Yeah, yeah. So he’s written about work, and I think his language helped me transcend an understanding I had of the world, which is like prior to reading David White and after reading David White, prior to reading David White, I just thought work was part of life, right? After reading David White, I had this whole new interpretation, which is like, okay, there is like work to fit in and do what other people are doing. And then there’s work. There’s work that is deeply connected to who you are, what matters in the world, and something that can give you sustainable energy throughout life. And he talks about his own journey and he talks about this phrase, The Pathless Path. And I remember it. The book actually came to me via a gift from another person you mentioned earlier, Johnny Miller. He handed me the book. He’s like, you need this. This is a year after I quit my job.

Paul Millard 00:06:01  He’s like, read this book. I was like, okay, read the book over the next couple of weeks, and this phrase, The Pathless Path, just jumps off the page and just like, sort of took over my life. And he said something like, when you first discover the phrase the pathless path, you’re not meant to know what it means. But for me, I had the opposite reaction, and that’s what he said. But to me it was like, oh, this was such a release. It’s like I’m not supposed to know what I’m doing. I spent my whole life always trying to orchestrate the next step, and it was that orchestration of life that sucked the joy out of life. Right? And it was really that that guided me over the next several years of contemplating, what if I just released the tiller? What if I don’t orchestrate and I just try to lean away from any active planning in life, which a lot of people at first glance, like, you can’t just do that.

Paul Millard 00:06:58  Well, it turns out you can. You will still do things. You will react to things. You’re going to react if you’re in danger and need all these things. And what I discovered is that I got to know myself. I started feeding my good wolf, and I think I started feeding the bad wolf at the same time, which was I started to get in touch with like, oh, I have passion for life, I care about things. And also I have these fears. I’m scared of going broke. What’s that about? I’m scared of people not loving me. What’s that about? And learning to kind of coexist with all that. And over the next few years, I didn’t really think about writing a book. And then eventually a bunch of people just kept asking me and I was like, okay, I think we’re going to write a book. And that name was just so obvious to me. It had to be called The Pathless Path.

Erich Zimmer 00:07:54  Yeah, it’s such a Daoist Zen phrase and Zen.

Erich Zimmer 00:07:58  We talk about the gate less gate, you know, which is there’s a gate you pass through, but it doesn’t exist. I mean, there’s no thing that’s blocking the gate the same as you. When I heard that phrase, I was like, that’s such a great phrase. So you were kind of on what you would consider The Pathless Path now. But before that, let’s talk about your life on what was kind of the default path. You know, give us a couple minute version of kind of what you did and where you were.

Paul Millard 00:08:25  Yeah. So for context, I grew up, my parents didn’t go to college. They were very much on the default path. And I write in my book. I think in previous generations there just weren’t alternatives as there are now. Right. And so they did well on the default path. And their goal was to make sure their kids have everything they need. we went to public schools. We didn’t have a fancy upbringing, but we had enough and we had love, and they just wanted us to go to college.

Paul Millard 00:08:56  And I think also part of that was, I think, the expectation that the goal in the US is just to make a lot of money. I didn’t realize there was that implicit expectation, but I followed that path. I was always good at school, so if you’re good at school, the opportunities just eventually show up. You’re good at school, you do good in tests. You get into the honors program at college, I went on a full scholarship to undergrad, which was the only college I considered because I just did not want to go into debt. I went to University of Connecticut surrounded by all these high achievers. They’re like, I’m going to go to Harvard Law School. I’m going to get into med school. I want to work for these impressive companies. And suddenly you start to figure out, oh, there’s like a ranking, right? I’m in the business school and I’m realizing GE is the best company to work for everyone who gets hired there. People pay attention to those people. Oh, wow.

Paul Millard 00:09:47  That person got this offer right. So you just start competing. It was not that hard for me to be good at these things. I just had to, like, figure out the steps and then execute. But by doing that for so long, I think I was short circuiting my own curiosity, my curiosity for life and all these other things. And at the same time, I would get in these companies and I wouldn’t fully absorb the identity of like, a high achiever. I’d always be slightly skeptical. I eventually broke into strategy consulting, one of the top firms in the world, McKinsey and company, and I would work less than other people. I’d be like, why are you guys working so much? They said we could go home at 5 or 6, so why not? And everyone would stay till 8 or 9. And what I realized eventually is a lot of people in these worlds, like their whole identity is work, right? And by work, it’s they identify with a career narrative about their life, which is their life and the whole point is to get to the next steps and keep going and build wealth and sort of live out what the previous generations did.

Paul Millard 00:10:53  I didn’t really have that example though, growing up, so I was always a bit lost. I never fully understood, like the elite codes of talking and what people were angling about, how people had all these political opinions. I was always so confused, sort of an outsider in these worlds. And eventually, like, you just can’t last in these worlds if you’re not, like of that source material. And I think my questions just eventually got to me. It’s like, well, we’re making enough and everyone around me thinks we’re broke. I don’t understand what we’re doing here.

Erich Zimmer 00:11:28  Yeah, well, I mean, so your default path was a very successful path in the traditional sense in that you went to a really good school, you got a full scholarship, you were able to go work for some of the top companies in the world. Your career was off to a really strong and good start. You know, I think it’s interesting you talk about prestige in the book and you just referenced it a little bit here, which is you start to realize there’s a ranking.

Erich Zimmer 00:11:52  Oh, going to Harvard Business School is better than going to Ohio State’s business school. You know, going to McKinsey is better than going to I don’t know what’s a lower tier consulting company, right. So that there’s all these rankings and that this prestige is you use a quote in the book, a powerful magnet that warps even your beliefs about what you enjoy. And I love that idea because what you’re talking about is mimetic desire, right? We had a guy on the show, Luke Burgess, who writes about this, which is.

Paul Millard 00:12:23  Yeah, I love Luke’s book.

Erich Zimmer 00:12:24  Yeah. You start to want what the people around you want. And it’s a really interesting idea that we all do, which speaks to thinking about who you’re around and what they want and whether you have these values. So you started to, as you said, question whether this was really the right fit for you because you weren’t all in in the same way that everybody else was. And you were sort of a, as you call it in the book, a hoop jumper.

Erich Zimmer 00:12:53  And yet there’s something else going on inside of you. Tell me a little bit about the process of going from, I’m on this path and I’m just jumping through hoops to going, Maybe this isn’t the right place for me.

Paul Millard 00:13:07  Yeah. So I always had those doubts. In my first internship. I read about this in the book. I’m looking around and seeing all these men not really doing anything, and I’m like, why are people doing this? I remember talking to one of my aunts and uncles, and I was like, nobody seems to be really doing anything. He’s like, oh, you’ll learn. Once you’re in the real world, you’ll figure out, like, you gotta, you gotta just work. That’s what you do. So I always had these questions, but it’s more confusing for other people that I left than me. Like, it makes so much sense that I left. It’s just that I was good at the game that the vast majority of people think is the point of life, but I was good at a life that wasn’t mine.

Paul Millard 00:13:48  Yeah, and the only thing that kept me in it was my stunted self-awareness. And I think the first thing that really opened me up was the loss of my grandfather. This was about a month before I started business school, and it really just broke me open. Like I started crying a lot more. I don’t even know the last time I cried before that, but like I would just became a lot more in touch with what I was actually feeling in life. And I started to introspect a little more. But at the same time, I was still at a top business school. You can’t just introspect fully there, like you got to get a job, you’re going into debt. I was like 70 grand in debt at 27 years old. So like I needed a job to pay that off. But over the next five years, there were all these tiny little moments of starting to write a little more, getting interested in coaching on the side, going on a personal development retreat, going on a solo travel trip up the California coast, and the spaciousness and wonder of life started to creep in.

Paul Millard 00:14:58  And once that happens slowly, it became very easy for me to walk away like people ask me, was it hard to walk away? Not really. I didn’t feel like I had any move left, like I felt hopeless for the future. I was surrounded by people that were cynically going through the motions. I struggled to find role models, and wandering around without a plan seemed way better than that.

Erich Zimmer 00:15:25  Yeah, yeah, I think it’s really interesting. I’d love to ask you a question about life now, because right now, and this is a hypothetical, you may not even be able to put yourself in the mindset that this question would even make sense. But your son to a ten week old baby. And you know a lot of people who don’t walk away from the default path, even when it feels like it’s not the right place to be. And I did this for for years, is because of what feel like responsibilities around children and family and things like that. Do you think it would have been harder for you today, as a parent, to walk away and make that decision than it was for you in a relatively sort of independent place in your life?

Paul Millard 00:16:11  Yeah.

Paul Millard 00:16:11  Of course. But I probably would have married the wrong person and been in the wrong life, so it would have been way more disastrous. Yeah, yeah. Like I wouldn’t have met and married my wife. She wouldn’t be with me unless I was actually chasing what was true to me. Yeah, it’s hard to answer. Right? And part of what drove me is I did have a sense that I wanted kids in the future, and I wanted to build the kind of life so I could be present and have time flexibility. And I’m so rich right now because I have that time. I don’t have a return to work plan. I’m like fitting work in. I have two hours of stuff I’m doing today, and the rest of the day I’m hanging with my daughter. It’s awesome. I love it, and this is like the whole point. This is why I tried to get more time instead of more money.

Erich Zimmer 00:17:02  Yeah, it’s certainly a useful reframe, right? Like I was telling you before the call about my son, who’s 24, and I raised him largely at sort of the peak of trying to succeed in my career.

Erich Zimmer 00:17:14  Right. My path is different than yours. Instead of sort of blindly following the default path, I just blindly drove my life off a cliff, you know? And by the time I was 24, I was homeless and had a drug addiction, so things were not going well. So then I was sort of frantically trying to climb on some sort of path that felt like it was going, you know, somewhere. And I think I overcorrected. I went like, oh God, I’ve been way over here. Time to buy into all these ideals around career and responsibility and and all that. And then it took me years to sort of find my way. What, for me, felt like a middle ground of actually my own path. And so when my son was little, I was right in that thick of, you know, trying to make up for lost time. You talked in the book about your father, who always felt like you had to work harder because he didn’t have a college degree. Like, that was me.

Erich Zimmer 00:18:04  I was in these worlds where everybody had degrees and MBAs and all this other stuff, and and I had nothing. And so I was always like, I can outwork these people. But I missed time with him that I tried to have back today.

Paul Millard 00:18:17  Yeah, it’s hard. And I write something also in the book, the longer you’re on the wrong path, the longer it takes to find the one that is the right path, right? Yes. And it’s taken me a really long time to find my footing on this path. This will be my sixth year in like two weeks, and only in the last year or two. I feel like I have like my footing, but it’s constantly going to shift. My first few years I think I overcorrected in terms of like going full wandering vagabond, avoiding employment, not trying to make money. I was living on like 500 to $1000 a month in Asia, really, just like I was sacrificing. Like I wouldn’t even, like eat food out. I it was crazy.

Paul Millard 00:19:06  And I sort of stifled my own imagination for possibilities and creativity. But then you come back and you’re like, okay, do I lean more into ambition than you try to find the middle ground and you’re always searching for the right path? Yeah, I think the mistake with a lot of legible paths, paths that we can see, oh, I’m going to become a data scientist, then a manager, then a VP is that it tricks you into that is the path that is right for you. And the really hard to understand reality for many people is that a job container is probably not the right path for you, but if you are going to opt into that, you need to be fully aware of the trade offs you’re making and understand what are the principles that really matter to you and how do you prioritize those principles given the path you’re on or what you’re choosing to enter into?

Erich Zimmer 00:20:01  Right. I sort of avoid binaries in general, and so I think there is a way to be on something that resembles a default path that is valuable and meaningful.

Erich Zimmer 00:20:12  I mean, the first years in my career, I was in software startup companies, and I loved that work. I was ambitious, and there was a certain, you know, path there. But it was also very exciting, and I loved it. And I was challenged and, you know, through my whole career, Even as I moved into consulting for big organizations, I always felt like I had a job that I liked. You know, in that, like, I was like, I’m intellectually challenged and I’m around people. As I got older, I got more and more into meaning. And I think you can make meaning in any role. Right. We read books about, you know, janitors at hospitals who their meaning is making a beautiful and clean place for the patients, and they make meaning out of it. So I think we can make it anywhere. But it’s, at least for me, easier to find it in certain places.

Paul Millard 00:21:00  Yeah. And it all comes down to self-awareness.

Paul Millard 00:21:03  Right. Yeah. Understanding those two wolves, as you say it. And you could have said I am a software salesperson, right. And then defined yourself as that. But I imagine that was not it. It was probably something around curiosity for people and connecting things, making things happen. And without knowing yourself, like if you defined yourself as a software salesperson, you wouldn’t be hosting a podcast.

Erich Zimmer 00:21:29  Right.

Paul Millard 00:21:29  Right. And you probably kept going deeper with the curiosity. And then you get to this raw, just curiosity for the world. No one starts a podcast to make money.

Erich Zimmer 00:21:42  Not if you have an IQ above 40. No you don’t.

Paul Millard 00:21:45  And so you figure out, oh, there’s these things worth doing in the world, right. And then as you’re hosting a podcast, you’re paying a cost. Monetary cost. Right. Because you could be doing other things with your time. You could be selling software. Right. But eventually you realize there’s certain upsides to life. And in today’s world, many people are blind to those upsides.

Paul Millard 00:22:10  So you have to pay the tax of other people not understanding what you’re doing. And as long as you’re okay with that, you can find a path in which you can thrive, I think.

Erich Zimmer 00:22:39  My path to where I’m at today was certainly it was a middle way path between staying in what was secure and made a lot of money. I mean, secure as much as anything is today. I mean, that’s an illusion, right? But more secure or doing the podcast where, I mean, I did the podcast for four and a half years while I worked in a career, and after a couple of years I started going, okay, I know where I want to be now, how do I get there? Right? How do I get from this job to to doing this podcast and the and the work I do with people full time. And, you know, I kind of made my way there, but there was a point where I had to go, okay, like when you get to be my age is successful as you were at your age, right? This idea of golden handcuffs is a real thing.

Erich Zimmer 00:23:23  You know, like I had to make a decision at some point. Like I’m walking away from a substantial amount of money in both the short term and the long term. In order to do this now again. Who knows, maybe next week I’ll be Joe Rogan, right? I think it’s unlikely, but like you, I made a decision of meaning and purpose and loving what I do over money.

Paul Millard 00:23:46  Yeah, I left right as my peak earning years were about to begin. Yeah, I did not cash in. I am not somebody that got to financial independence and walked away. I stupidly lit probably millions of dollars on fire like the economy went crazy too. For the consulting world and strategy work like starting in 2017, salaries just started going up like 2,030% a year. It was crazy. I didn’t get any of that. I lowered my salary down to like 25, 32, 40 grand for the next three years. But they were the best years of my life. Yeah. And the challenge is, I think people think that you can escape the base reality.

Paul Millard 00:24:31  Right? Especially if you’re in the US. If you want to live in the US, you can’t escape the fact that most people see money as one of the most important things in the world. If you are going to make a decision to say money isn’t the most important thing in our world. You need to figure out how you’re going to manage that tension. Yes, and feeling bad about that? Being insulted by other people. Many people have said, don’t you think you’re wasting your degrees? It’s a really interesting way of framing it, right? Wasting your degrees, aka the whole point of life, is to get credentials to trade in for money. Right? I disagree, I think the point of life is not to maximize financial income, and the point of life for me is something I can’t fully explain to you. I tried to explain it in writing a book, but it’s a felt sense. It’s a deeply felt sense. Yeah, I’m a little crazy for believing it at my age, and I’m just gonna follow that feeling.

Paul Millard 00:25:34  And I ended up meeting a wife who sort of values the same things. And it’s going to be harder for us to build a life because we don’t have the payoffs that, like all my former peers and coworkers, have. They’re all in million dollar houses living in fancy neighborhoods with good schools and, like, putting their kids solidly in like, private schools cannot afford that. We don’t own a home. We rent. We don’t own a car. We do this by design because we live, like in a walkable area. We bike a lot of places and we’re comfortable using like Ubers and lifts and stuff like that. But yeah, it’s totally worth it because we’re thriving. I get to write most days. I get to talk to people like you who inspire me. My wife spends a lot of days painting and creating, and we both get to spend Bountiful time with our daughter, which is like, that’s it. That is like the point for me.

Erich Zimmer 00:26:33  Yeah. So let’s talk a little bit about the fear and uncomfortableness that comes with choosing this different path, because it’s real, right.

Erich Zimmer 00:26:45  And what can happen. And I’ve watched this sort of manifest in myself and had to sort of work on it. Right, which is that you step off the default path to do this other thing, but the fear of, holy crap, how am I going to make a living? How am I going to make money? What am I going to do? My son’s in college. I got to pay for his college. I mean, all this stuff can drive me to turn my pathless path into. I don’t know what the word is. A hugely ambitious and stressful, pathless path right where I boxed myself into a new corner by letting that anxiety drive me to do more and more and more and more and more and more. And that’s something I’ve had to kind of work on going, all right. And I’ve gotten better at it. Like you, it takes it took me a few years to kind of get my foot in, I think where I was like, okay, relax. You’re going to be okay.

Erich Zimmer 00:27:39  Relax a little.

Paul Millard 00:27:40  Yeah, a lot of people leave their jobs because they don’t like their managers, but then they instantly hire a manager in their head to control their behavior.

Erich Zimmer 00:27:50  Yes. Who’s the tyrant?

Paul Millard 00:27:52  And one good thing about feeling like you’re going to run out of money and not making money, especially if you’re raised in the US, you’ll just start freaking out and try to make money. Yeah, and a lot of people have not felt this. This is probably one of the most useful things to happen to me. I quit my job in New York. I think I should have thought more deeply about this, but I was spending about 6000 a month and I had like 50,000 in savings and like month one, month two, I’m like, oh crap. Like I’m gonna run out of money. Yeah. And I just started getting really aggressive. I’m like calling everyone, emailing everyone I know, applying for all these contract jobs, putting my thing on all these talent platforms to hire for consulting gigs.

Paul Millard 00:28:39  One of my first gigs was walking around New York City for this investment firm. They needed this last minute freelancer to do surveys of people wearing Allbirds. So I just walked around New York City and tried to spot people wearing Allbirds. First day, I couldn’t really find that many people. The second day, I’m like, all right, I need to figure out how to do this better. So I held up a sign in Union Square Park and said, does anyone own Allbirds? Right? And then I think I got 40 people to answer my four questions survey. And I was like, I don’t know if I could find 100. They’re like, yeah, 40 is good. But it was my first experience of, oh, you just made yourself feel more uncomfortable than you did in the entire ten years of your safe knowledge work job, right? You look like a fool holding a sign you’re desperate for money and you only made like $1,000 doing this over a week and then analyzing the data and all this.

Paul Millard 00:29:33  And yeah, it made me realize there’s so many ways to make money. It’s just that for knowledge workers, what they’re really afraid of is, can I make what I used to make? And I didn’t really set out to replace my income. Yeah. Replacing your income. I have no advice on how to do that. It took me until my fifth year to actually make a comparable amount to my last year of working. Yeah, and I don’t know if I’ll match it again. It could go down.

Erich Zimmer 00:30:05  Yeah, I think that’s a really good point about matching your income is a hard thing to do. You know, I think like you did, it’s a matter of looking at everything is trade offs in life, right? I mean, I think you said that earlier. I mean, everything has its trade offs, and we just have to find the ones that we’re willing to live with. You talk in the book about this idea of many people on the default path will live with certain discomfort and then layer coping mechanisms on it, rather than face uncertain discomfort.

Erich Zimmer 00:30:37  Talk to me a little bit about that. You know, knowing that you are uncomfortable and then finding ways to cope with it so that you can stay where you are.

Paul Millard 00:30:46  Yeah. You probably have more knowledge about this than me. I think with the addiction, if everyone around you is slightly uncomfortable and anxious, it becomes normal to feel slightly uncomfortable and anxious. Right. And then if everyone’s coping in similar ways, namely drinking a lot on weekends, like me and all my friends, 100% of my friends did, then that’s just life. Right? But now, looking back, I don’t drink anymore. And it’s really weird to look back because I didn’t have trouble drinking. I don’t think I was addicted, but it sort of fell out of my life in a weird way, in which I look back and say, oh, I did have a drinking problem. And when you say that, it triggers a lot of people because a lot of people get defensive. Drinking in the US especially, is one of these things that’s just part of life for people.

Paul Millard 00:31:40  And to bring this up makes people feel really uncomfortable. But I think for a lot of young people, especially living in cities, binge drinking on the weekends, is the bomb for the discomfort of the workweek, right? And as long as everyone’s doing it and it seems fun, you don’t notice that it’s a problem. But I wasted so many days being hungover and recovering from drinking, and probably stifling my curiosity and actual passion for life.

Erich Zimmer 00:32:11  Yeah, I think this is a really interesting point, which is, I mean, a lot of the work that I do, I would say is about people increasing their healthy coping strategies. Right. So I think we could probably all go, you know what? If you’ve got a life that’s bad and you escape it by drinking or doing drugs or whatever your thing is, your addiction, that’s very problematic. We would all go, well, you know what? There are much better ways to cope with that, right? And I think part of what we do here is help teach people those mechanisms.

Erich Zimmer 00:32:45  Part of what I occasionally am uncomfortable with, and that I wonder about, is the point that you’re making, that even a healthy coping mechanism oftentimes is keeping you in a place that may not be the right place for you. And that’s a fundamental question that I think a lot of people who are later in their career, who’ve been on the default path for a while, who are going, I’m not really comfortable here, or I’m not happy or I’m not fulfilled. And their question that they spend a lot of time on is, do I just accept that this part of my life is this way and build everything else around it in a really meaningful and purposeful way? Or do I sort of blow the whole thing up? I don’t think there’s easy answers, and I think depending on the person and the situation and all that, those are both reasonable approaches. But it does get to there are other ways of coping with situations that maybe we shouldn’t be coping with, even if we’re doing it in a healthy way.

Paul Millard 00:33:50  So to connect this to the previous point, I think the equation I put in the book is certain discomfort from plus coping mechanism is better for many people than uncertain discomfort of blowing up your life and taking that new path. Yeah, the thing that tips the scales over and over, and you can identify this in the way people talk about the future is the sense of wonder and possibility. They say, okay, I might blow up my life, but there might be something interesting worth finding. And Johnny Miller has been a huge influence on me. I’ve lived with him in three different countries, and he’s helped me think about this in terms of like nervous system regulation and connecting with your body. And I think the thing to ask is, how do I experience different states of being right? You’re coping because you’re in an uncomfortable state of being. But if you talk to enough people, you read history, you read poetry, you read literature, you start to discover there are states of being where people feel at peace.

Paul Millard 00:34:54  And given that knowledge, we should all sort of be freaking out, figuring out how to try to get there. And there are many ways to get there, I think. Sabbatical taking one month disconnected from work can be very powerful for people. Breathwork can be very powerful for people. I know a lot of people are experimenting with psychedelics. I haven’t used those. Yoga, Tai chi, qigong, all these practices. There are different practices which let you participate in the world in a different way. And John Vivek is really good around this. He talks about it in terms of participatory knowing, right? How do we experience the world in a different state of being, such that we can sort of come to a different state of knowing, right? And in the West and in knowledge, work, jobs, hardcore career jobs were not at the participatory level. We’re at the propositional level of like concepts, abstract ideas and all these things. So we’re existing up here, but we’re not down here. We’re not in the heart, we’re not in the body.

Paul Millard 00:36:06  We’re not in a state of flow. We’re not experiencing the magic of deep leisure of this connected contemplative state. Because if you’ve never experienced that, you’re going to just keep going and what you’re doing. But the thing I love about podcasts is you have people in your ears telling you different things are possible. So if you’re listening to this like different states or possible, go see if you can find them and you can find them in a weekend. You can find them after work. All you need is enough of a window to say, ooh, I want to follow that and see where it leads.

Erich Zimmer 00:36:38  Before we dive back into the conversation, let me ask you something. What’s one thing that has been holding you back lately? You know that it’s there. You’ve tried to push past it, but somehow it keeps getting in the way. You’re not alone in this. And I’ve identified six major saboteurs of self-control. Things like autopilot behavior, self-doubt, emotional escapism that quietly derail our best intentions. But here’s the good news you can outsmart them.

Erich Zimmer 00:37:08  And I’ve put together a free guide to help you spot these hidden obstacles and give you simple, actionable strategies that you can use to regain control. Download the free guide now at one Eufy Net and take the first step towards getting back on track. The question underlying this is sort of this fundamental one that I think we all wrestle with in lots of different aspects of life, which goes back to the classic Serenity prayer. Right? Like what situations do I need to accept and make the best of? And that the way that I’m responding is an internal problem? The problem is in here, right? And what situations is legitimately the problem out there? And there are many situations where in certain cases that’s very clear, right? If you’re in an abusive marriage, for example, it may not feel clear to you in the moment, but deeper knowing will lead to a clarity that says I’m clearly in the wrong spot. The answer is not to learn to tolerate my abuse better. The answer is to get out of here, right? So there are examples where we can go, well, that’s a little bit more obvious, but for most of us in life, this figuring that out is really sort of the challenge of, you know, what does this situation call on for me? Do I need a whole new career and everything to be different, or are there ways of relating to the life that I have very differently that will cause me to be in a much greater state of peace and calm? And that’s sort of the fundamental question that’s underlying some of this.

Paul Millard 00:38:46  That’s why I like being on my current path. My current path is not a path, and you probably experience this as well. Every week is different. Every month is different. Every year has been different. So I’ve had all these mini lives in these last six years, whereas I look at the previous ten years, it was very predictable. I did the same kind of work on the same times of most days of the week for ten years, around the same kind of people thinking in the same way, showing up in the same way, coping in the same way. Now my life is just weird. Yeah. And there’s more possibility for people to tap into this. Like I’ve challenged a lot of people. Do a freelance year, do one year where you just go try to make money on your own. It’s going to be scary. It’s going to be hard. It’s going to be uncomfortable. But you might discover that you have more courage than you thought. You might discover there’s more people out there willing to help you than you thought, and you might discover you’re curious about things you forgot about.

Paul Millard 00:39:52  Right. Yeah. And that’s been the magic of this path is. We touched on this before, but I still have fear. Like, I’m really leaning into being a parent right now, and I’m dropping the ball on a lot. And I’m just wondering, like, if I keep leaning into this, am I going to not make money? Am I going to not plant the seeds of the next thing that might take off? I’ve had 4 or 5 different things that have gone like up and down and dissipated, and I don’t know, but I’ve been on this path long enough to say, okay, I’m going to have a mini existential crisis every few weeks, but it’s just there. It’s always going to be there. The fear doesn’t leave, right? And maybe this is the point of the parable is like you’re always feeding the bad wolf, right? But you learn to just accept it. It’s part of life. Fear is part of life, totally. But is existing with that fear in a more relational way.

Paul Millard 00:40:58  More comfortable, way. More like. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you’re afraid for the future. But the other side of that fear is love, right? You’re afraid for that future because you love the people in your life. You desire to show up with your full self. And it’s all related.

Erich Zimmer 00:41:31  I think depending on our makeup, we all live with different degrees of fear. You can be in the default path and be terrified, right? I mean, so fear can come from anywhere, but there is when you’re on sort of this pathless path, there is more opportunity because uncertainty is not a state that we naturally do well in. And I agree with you, what I think I’ve gotten better at doing is just going, okay, there’s the twinge of fear going on over there. I can’t make it go away, but I’m also not going to react to it. I’m going to respond to it and hopefully a wise way, but I’m not going to allow it to sort of jerk my chain.

Erich Zimmer 00:42:07  And it’s just funny over. I don’t know, maybe it’s been 4 or 5 years now that, you know, since I left my software world, I mean, the first year, I mean, I remember it as clear as day. I don’t know, I was maybe nine months into it and all of a sudden the coaching work that I’ve been relying on just hit a dry patch and I was like, well, that’s it, I’m doomed. You know, everybody who wants to work with me has already done it. You know, they’ve heard the podcast. They don’t want to do it anymore. And, you know, now when any part of the business sort of quote unquote, dries up a little bit, I’m like, that happens. Let’s move this way. I don’t freak out in the same way. I’ve just gotten better at handling the uncertainty.

Paul Millard 00:42:47  Yeah, uncertainty is not a problem to be solved. And I think the great delusion of the modern world is that we can solve uncertainty.

Paul Millard 00:42:58  Paycheck life sort of promises you that a steady paycheck solves uncertainty, but all it does is enter you into a vast conspiracy with all the other people with a paycheck to not mention it right, and then working on your own. It just punches you in the face and eventually you’re like, oh, we’re dancing with uncertainty, right? This whole path is just about dancing with uncertainty, and it’s just an ongoing dance. You can’t leave the dance and it just keeps going. But eventually you start to see, oh, there’s some fun in it.

Erich Zimmer 00:43:32  Totally. I mean, the last ten years of my sort of software career, I was doing consulting work for very large organizations on really big, complex software development projects. And the whole time my mother and my father, to some degree, but not to the same extent, just kept saying, well, why don’t you get a job there, right. Like, it’s so uncertain being a consultant. Like, just get a job. And I was like, mom, I don’t think you quite understand.

Erich Zimmer 00:44:01  Like, getting a W-2 from them does not mean they’re going to keep paying me forever.

Paul Millard 00:44:05  Their generation, it does 100%.

Erich Zimmer 00:44:08  And, you know, for me, I just was like, you know what? The fact that this is like a six month consulting gig at a time that just sort of keeps going on some level for me was like, okay, I have to sort of keep my skills sharp, right? I have to stay connected in this world. And to me, that was the better hedge against uncertainty was my own ability, my own confidence in myself to say, okay, if this thing doesn’t work, there are other things that will, you know. And so I just think that that certainty question is different for everybody. I interviewed a guy recently. Have you seen a recent book by a guy named Bruce Feiler called The Search?

Paul Millard 00:44:52  I haven’t seen search, but I read life is in the transitions right here.

Erich Zimmer 00:44:56  Okay, well, he’s got a new book that you would be fascinated by because it’s sort of life is in the transitions for work specifically.

Erich Zimmer 00:45:06  Oh, wow.

Paul Millard 00:45:07  It’s my wheelhouse.

Erich Zimmer 00:45:08  It’s totally your wheelhouse. He basically goes through and he comes to a lot of the conclusions that you do. I mean, one of them is this fundamental idea that you think there’s a path, but you’re not on a path. Like life isn’t certain enough. The world isn’t certain enough that your path is assured. You know, there are some that are better trod than others, right? That we can sort of see. But if you really understand the nature of the world, you realize that your path is unfolding as you go, and there’s going to be things in that path that you just don’t expect.

Paul Millard 00:45:41  Yeah, I love this so much, and it ties to what you’re doing, right? One of the features of being a consultant, it’s hard for people to understand is that you can’t delude yourself about what you’re doing because you need to opt in and take responsibility for your path. Right? Right. If you’re in a job, it’s such a subtle shift, but people just start talking themselves into like, well, this is what I do.

Paul Millard 00:46:09  Right. And there’s a motivation question. If you’re working as a contractor, they can’t tell you to do anything. Technically, of course they can. But when you’re working for a job, there’s just stuff you have to do. So you can do stuff you’re like, actually two out of ten motivated by if you’re working for yourself. Suddenly if you try to get me to do stuff, I’m actually two out of ten excited by, it will never get done.

Erich Zimmer 00:46:37  Yeah.

Paul Millard 00:46:38  So it sharpens your focus to say, okay, I need to search for stuff that’s at least eight out of ten excited by. And that’s why it was very easy for me to write a book, because that was like a ten out of ten. I was like, pumped. Powering through that. And that’s beautiful, right? And it ties back to what Bruce Feiler writes about is life is just disruptions one after another. Life is in the transitions is such a good book because it brings alive so many stories. It’s like this person thought they had a path and like, boom, disruption, disruption, disruption, disruption.

Paul Millard 00:47:13  It’s basically constant in everyone’s life. And I looked at my life and it’s like, oh, I wasn’t on a steady path. I had a health crisis. I lost my grandfather, I moved cities, I moved companies five times. Just constant disruptions.

Erich Zimmer 00:47:29  Yep. Yeah. You should check out his new book. You’ll absolutely love it if you like. Life is in the transitions. And I know, given your love of exploring this different way of thinking about work, having read these two books in somewhat close proximity, right? What Bruce does is interview hundreds and hundreds of people and sort of compile that data and put it together, and after doing so, he arrives at the same place that 80% of your book is at. Also, like, it’s just a different way into what are very similar conclusions about the way things are in today’s reality.

Paul Millard 00:48:01  Yeah, it’s just I think with my book, I just don’t like those books where they interview a lot of people. I just want to hear like people’s personal stories.

Paul Millard 00:48:10  So I just trusted my intuition. And mine’s fueled by I had probably 400 conversations with random strangers on the internet. Yeah, I’ve injected a lot of the lessons from them. And it it was very an emergent book from those conversations which spiked during Covid. Suddenly everyone was like, oh, wait, what are we doing?

Erich Zimmer 00:48:33  Yeah. When did your book come out?

Paul Millard 00:48:34  2020 2nd January.

Erich Zimmer 00:48:37  Okay. I thought it was a little bit earlier than that. So let’s talk about a couple other ideas here. Talk to me about the idea of the ought to self versus the ideal self.

Paul Millard 00:48:49  Yeah. This was Davidovich, the psychologist at Cornell. I think it’s this idea, like we think leaving the default path, for example, leaving your job is just going to destroy your life. That is how our brain works. We imagine all terrible things because we’re scared. That’s our fear talking, right? But they argue that our ought to self is so powerful that we’re still going to take care of our responsibilities and obligations.

Paul Millard 00:49:19  Like, I’m scared of leaving my job because what about taking care of my family? Well, in that statement, I’m scared of taking care of my family. You’re actually going to take care of your family. Like you will figure it out because it matters to you, right? And we don’t pay attention or trust this or to self enough, and we sort of neglect our ideal self. And this is for many people, the whole point of life becoming the person you want to be, right? That drives a large percentage of people. And if you neglect that pursuit, the aspiration to become your ideal self really just growth. There doesn’t even have to be anything to aim at just growing, evolving as a person. If we neglect that, we’re going to have regrets. So the takeaway is trust your art to self. And this is why I don’t really stress with having kids. It actually, I think will make it easier because there’s no way in hell I’m going to drop the ball and taking care of my daughter’s needs, right? Maybe I’ll skimp on some of my needs, like I’ll drop the ball on my needs, not buy new clothes or whatever to keep my path going and protect my creative work.

Paul Millard 00:50:34  But I won’t do that with my daughter. Right. And just trusting that I’ll pay attention to that.

Erich Zimmer 00:50:40  Yep. That ought to. An ideal self is a really interesting idea because on one hand, you know, we hear this idea ought to self and we think that’s a bad thing, right. Like that whole phrase like, you know, if you’re saying the word should, you know, don’t should on yourself as if the word should is always a bad thing. I mean, sometimes it is. Sometimes it’s taking on values and ideas from other people that aren’t your own. But sometimes it’s just a simple shorthand for what matters to me. Right. And ought to is the same thing. Like it could be bad. It could be mean, neglecting and only taking on the values of others. But it could be my inner self saying, here is what you ought to do to be the person you want to be. So it’s not all bad. And also that ideal self, it’s having both of those things being in some sort of balance.

Paul Millard 00:51:29  Also, it’s all about self-awareness, right? If you think something matters to you and you’re living in concordance with that, if somebody gave you advice or more information about how to do that better, you would never get offended. He would just figure out how to integrate it into your life, right? Instead of we have these ideas sometimes of what we should be doing. I should be writing more. I never say such things. It’s like I’m either writing more. I’m not like there’s probably a reason for one of those or the other. Typically, we’re doing as much as we can.

Erich Zimmer 00:52:02  Let me dig into that a little bit further, though, right. Because at least in my case, I find situations where in order to be the person I want to be, I’m having to push myself sometimes to do things that I’m like, well, I don’t really feel like doing that. So the word should comes into it again. It may not be the right word, but I’m wondering how you think about that if you’re writing or not.

Erich Zimmer 00:52:28  Writing. But part of you is like, I really, I want to finish this book. I mean, how do you think about that question, you know, to be the person you really want to be? Are there situations where you’re having to sort of push yourself in directions that you don’t feel like at the moment.

Paul Millard 00:52:45  Yeah, I think this is something I need to think about more. I don’t know if I have the best answer to it now. People come to me for advice on how to create stuff online, and I think what I’m talking about is a narrow case of somebody has been saying, oh, I should write more for like a year after a year. If you’re not writing, like, your sense of what you should be doing is not the problem. It’s a problem of something else, your environment or how you’re designing your life. Right? Yeah, and that really just gets to thinking differently about, okay, what are the pieces in the environment I need to change to actually get what I want? Right.

Paul Millard 00:53:27  And Tim Ferriss fear exercise has been great for me, which is what are the risks in taking this action. How could you mitigate those risks? And then flipping it and saying, what are the risks of inaction. Yeah, right. So what are the risks that you’re pricing into your day to day existence? And then I don’t know, this is like a really interesting question because I think this is something I wrote about in my book, which is I can’t really pinpoint like a moment. You know how everyone asks, when’s the moment you knew? I don’t know if there was a moment rather than like, I was just on an emergent path, right? Yeah. And it’s really a felt sense, right? So then the question is, how do you just know when you’re not on the right path? And that, I think, might be everything, which is just figure out when you’re on the wrong path and just keep shaking things up. The answer might literally just be do random stuff on your drive home.

Paul Millard 00:54:26  Take a different route. Go take a walk without a destination. Go play an instrument. If you’ve never played an instrument, I don’t know. Just do random stuff that might shake things up for you. And this is the hard thing because a lot of people want playbooks. They want how to. But the truth is, there are no how to’s to find your own true path.

Erich Zimmer 00:54:46  Amen to that. That is a very, very true statement. I think that we can listen to podcasts, we can read great books, we can get great ideas. And those are all very useful things. And learning from others and having teachers and all that and mentors has been incredibly important for me. And at the end of the day, I had to find my path because I am not someone else. I am me in my own set of causes and conditions that make up who I am. My path is going to be a little bit different, and that’s why this sort of ten easy steps for X, I’m always like, well, okay, that’s probably not like I don’t think anything is easy.

Erich Zimmer 00:55:27  And we all might need prompting in different directions depending on who you are. That’s the other piece of like one size fits all advice is it’s like well maybe for some people that’s the right thing, but for other people, the exact opposite might be the right thing.

Paul Millard 00:55:42  Yeah, it’s so hard in today’s world. I think I have a certain psychology which was not able to thrive on the default path, and that’s meant I had to leave that and it’s made life harder. Like, the truth is my current path is harder. It takes more reflection. It takes more introspection. It’s frustrating sometimes, but it’s also, I know in terms of just the day to day wonder, the joy I have for life, the sense of creativity, the contentedness. It’s a lot better for me and it’s going to continue to be hard. Kids don’t make it easier. They make it harder. But also the payoffs are much bigger, too, to finding the right path in which not only can I thrive, can my wife thrive and my child thrive.

Paul Millard 00:56:31  But that’s the lifelong question, and I love trying to figure it out, and I’ve just found over and over again that thinking about this and trying to find the right path is worth it.

Erich Zimmer 00:56:44  Before we wrap up, I want you to think about this. Have you ever ended the day feeling like your choices didn’t quite match the person you wanted to be? Maybe it was autopilot mode or self-doubt that made it harder to stick to your goals. And that’s exactly why I created The Six Saboteurs of Self-control. It’s a free guide to help you recognize the hidden patterns that hold you back and give you simple, effective strategies to break through them. If you’re ready to take back control and start making lasting changes. Download your copy now at once. Let’s make those shifts happen starting today. Once you feed Net Book, you’ve come back to the phrase. You’ve used it multiple times in this conversation, which is self-awareness, right? And I think the important thing, at least for me, is in the willingness to continue to ask the questions.

Erich Zimmer 00:57:41  Now, like you, I feel like I have a psychology makeup and a life conditioning makeup that makes it almost impossible for me not to. You know, if I could just shut it off and be like, forget it. I’m just gonna coast here for a while. I think I would do more of it. Maybe, I don’t know, I just am not wired up that way. But I do think that a meaningful life comes from asking a lot. What is a meaningful life to me? And am I doing it like not every ten years on some, you know, retreat, but regularly again and again and again. You know what matters. Am I living that way? That, to me, is how a meaningful life is created. And I think that’s a big part of what your book says to me at the end of it is, you know, ask these questions and be willing to look at the hard answers.

Paul Millard 00:58:33  Yeah, it’s all about noticing for me and paying deep attention to how I’m living my life week to week, month to month, year to year.

Paul Millard 00:58:42  Yeah, this conversation right now, me talking with you, is somebody that takes these questions seriously. It tells me, oh, I’m in the right place. Yeah. Ten years ago, I was surrounded by people who mocked me for asking deeper questions. Oh, that’s that’s ridiculous. You have to work. That’s a stupid question. Deep cynicism. And I was surrounded by that. And it’s scary looking back, because I almost convinced myself that cynicism was the right orientation toward life. Hey, what are you gonna do? You got to just struggle through life and suffer and do these stupid things. Because money is important and employment is important. I’m glad I just kept asking questions.

Erich Zimmer 00:59:28  Yeah, I’m glad you did, too. And I think that is a perfect place for us to wrap up. Paul, thank you so much for coming on the show. We’ll have links in the show notes to your website where people can get your book and all the ways to find you.

Paul Millard 00:59:42  Yeah, and I’m always happy to gift the book to people.

Paul Millard 00:59:45  It’s such a joy to connect with people who are asking these questions like you. So I appreciate what you’re doing. And this was a beautiful conversation. So thank you.

Erich Zimmer 00:59:54  Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity, but we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the One You Feed community.

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Episode Transcript:

Simone Stolzoff 00:00:00  In order to build this uncertainty tolerance, we have to tell ourselves a different story, which is that uncertainty does not necessarily mean danger.

Chris Forbes 00:00:18  Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts. We have quotes like garbage in, garbage out or you are what you think ring true. And yet for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking. Our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:02  Simone Stolz, off was finishing a book on the value of uncertainty when he and his wife learned they were expecting. At a checkup around three months, the doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat and asked them to come back a week later. So they waited. He’d just been writing about how the waiting is often the hardest part. Now he was living it. They ended up losing the baby. What stayed with him wasn’t only the grief, it was how present that week made both of them. And that’s what we get into. How to stay close to your life when you can’t know how it turns out. His book is How to Not Know: the Value of uncertainty in a World that Demands answers. I’m Eric Zimmer, and this is the one you feed. Hi, Simo. Welcome to the show.

Simone Stolzoff 00:01:49  Thanks so much for having me.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:51  I’m really excited to talk to you about your latest book, which is called How to Not Know: The Value of Uncertainty in a World That Demands Answers. And this is a topic near and dear to my heart in many ways, but we’ll get into it after we start the way we always do, which is with the parable. And in the parable, there’s a grandparent who is talking with her grandchild, and they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops if they think about it for a second. They look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

Simone Stolzoff 00:02:44  First and foremost, I love this parable because I find it to be so true. As a naturally doubting and uncertain and ruminating person, I chose to dig into this topic of uncertainty precisely for the theme of the parable, which is we can choose to see uncertainty as a threat, as a source of fear, to catastrophes, to think of everything that will go wrong when we’re in an uncertain situation. Or we can feed that other wolf. We can choose to see uncertainty as the birthplace of possibility, as the precursor to learning and growth.

Simone Stolzoff 00:03:25  And I often think about it in the context of this piece of advice that you sometimes give to people who are learning how to ski or snowboard, which is look where you want to go. And often if we spend too much time looking that uncertainty as a threat, as a source of fear or anxiety or worry, that’s where we go. And yet, if we’re able to flip our frame, to change our mindset and to see uncertainty As the place from which learning and growth and development and possibility and opportunity is all born. We can start to move in that direction as well.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:06  Yeah, as a wannabe surfer, I’m learning. Don’t look at your board. Don’t you have to look where you want to go on the beach? I am told consistently I only get to do it about twice a year. So I never actually get better, though. But the point is a good one. And what I like about your book is that it’s part of a philosophy of why uncertainty is really valuable, and all these things we talk about, and we’ll get into that.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:31  But it does a really important thing also, which is it’s lovely to know that uncertainty is good for us. It’s a whole nother thing to learn to tolerate it long enough that it can do good for us or to even tolerate it in general. And I think your book does a really nice job of of doing all those things.

Simone Stolzoff 00:04:53  Thanks for saying so. yeah, I think that idea of tolerating it for long enough is a really important learning that I had through the reporting and research for the book. There’s this comedian, John Cleese, who you might be familiar with from the Monty Python, and he was asked to speak at a big company one day, and they asked him, basically, how are you able to be so creative? How are you able to continue to produce such original work? And I loved his answer. He said, I’m willing to stick with the problem for long enough. And he has another friend colleague in his office that is smart and has good intentions, but never seems to produce truly original work.

Simone Stolzoff 00:05:33  And Cleese basically says, the difference, I think, between me and him is that he always goes with the first solution that comes to his mind, whereas I am more willing to stick with the problem. And I think that is exactly what you were saying about the value of building uncertainty tolerance is that you can stick with the issue, stick with the problem, Stick with your life for long enough to have that breakthrough, for the possibilities to emerge, as opposed to just going for the safe route or the quickest way away from uncertainty.

Eric Zimmer 00:06:05  This feels particularly relevant in our current moment, where AI has the ability to shepherd us right past all the sticking with the problem long enough to come up with new ideas.

Simone Stolzoff 00:06:18  Yeah, very much so. You know, in some ways, AI is a certainty machine. You know, it gives you the probabilistic expectation of what you hope to receive based on the question that you ask. And especially speaking with young people. I see this all the time where they think that because they can answer some of their questions with a chat query or the right prompt, that all of life’s questions should be able to provide such immediate gratification or uncertainty.

Simone Stolzoff 00:06:49  But I also see it in myself, you know, whereas ten years ago I might have been okay not knowing the name of a given actor. Now I feel almost involuntary need to reach into my phone. And so I think all of our tolerances for uncertainty by nature of being in this hyper connected digital age are at risk of deteriorating.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:08  Right? So uncertainty is naturally uncomfortable and is kind of built into us. And we’re going to get into some of the biology neuro neuro of of all that. But I think you’re making a point, which is that we’ve gotten worse at it because we don’t have to endure it as much.

Simone Stolzoff 00:07:25  Yeah, well, there’s two things going on. One is the world is getting more uncertain. So there’s this economist from Stanford named Nicholas Bloom, who’s been tracking global uncertainty since the early 80s. And he’s found that the five highest measurements since he began studying the phenomenon have all occurred in the last five years. So if you think about the pandemic and shifting tariff policies, AI and these wars overseas, so the world is more uncertain.

Simone Stolzoff 00:07:51  The trend that is less often talked about is what we were just talking about, which is the decrease of our tolerance for uncertainty. And primarily this is correlated with the rise of the internet and particularly the rise of mobile phones. I think phones do two things. One is they bring all of the world’s uncertainties to our pockets. So now we can track the real time updates of a war overseas, or what’s happening in the Strait of Hormuz. And we can also track the real time locations of our children and all of this information that hasn’t necessarily made us any wiser and often just fuels our anxiety. The other thing that phones do is they rob us of the practice of sitting with what we don’t know. And I know that as an practitioner, you know, a lot of what I’ve gleaned from my meditation practice is the value of feeling that discomfort, feeling that pain, feeling that uncertainty, and not rushing to solve it right away. And so the world is more uncertain. Our tolerance for uncertainty is in decline. And that’s why I argue so many people feel anxious and unmoored.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:54  So when I read the title of your book, the first thing that popped into my mind is a Zen koan that talks about this, that I was like, I’ll bring that Zen koan to the conversation. And then about three pages into the book, I was like, he’s already got it, so why don’t you share that with us?

Simone Stolzoff 00:09:10  Yeah. Another sort of, you know, teacher and student moment. There’s these two monks that meet in the forest, and the older monk, the more experienced monk asks the student, what are you doing here? And the student says, oh, I’m on a pilgrimage. And the monk says, what are you on a pilgrimage for? And the student says, I’m not sure yet. And the monk says, not knowing is the most intimate. And I remember being in, like a sangha in a meditation circle, and the teacher telling us this koan, and I was like, not knowing is the most intimate.

Simone Stolzoff 00:09:43  What the heck does that mean? You know, the thing that I feel most intimate when I don’t know something is Google, you know, but it’s really changed my perception of uncertainty. And I think what intimacy in my interpretation, what that means here is more proximate to reality as it actually is when we are certain, when we think we know exactly when the market is going to crash, or when the relationship is going to end, or what the future of AI is going to bring. It has a sort of narrowing effect that closes our mind. But if we’re able to maintain that not knowing mind, maintain that uncertainty without rushing for easy answers, then we can see the world as it actually appears, as it as it emerges. And so by not knowing sort of the purpose of this pilgrimage, the student is more open to what the pilgrimage might teach him.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:34  Yeah. And I think it’s proximate to reality. And I think it’s also an attention mechanism. Right. When you think you know something, you stop paying attention to it. Whereas when you focus and give it more attention. And in that case, it actually becomes more intimate, because I think a lot of intimacy for me is about the things that I’m paying attention to. I am more intimate with.

Simone Stolzoff 00:10:59  Yeah. It’s beautiful. I think about that’s when I’m traveling all the time. I’ll be in a foreign city that maybe I’ve never been to before, and I’ll see an old man reading a newspaper outside of a cafe on the corner and say, oh my God, it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. And yet, when I’m in San Francisco walking around, there’s probably plenty of old men reading newspapers that I just don’t notice because I have this assumption that I know where I am. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:21  Okay, so let’s start with talking about why is uncertainty so uncomfortable. We can talk about it being something that’s ultimately good for us. And yet it is one of the hardest states to be in. Why is that?

Simone Stolzoff 00:11:39  It’s biological. So you can think about it from an evolutionary standpoint.  If one of your ancestors is in the jungle and there’s a rustling in the bushes, and they don’t know the source of that noise. That uncertainty could be lethal. It could be a saber toothed tiger. I feel like it’s always a saber toothed tiger. And these sorts of examples.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:57  I know, I’m wondering like, what did the mastodon have a bad public relations person? I mean, it’s always the saber tooth tiger.

Simone Stolzoff 00:12:04  Exactly. But, you know, I mean, I think the point stands, which is when we don’t know, we can’t plan, we can’t necessarily guarantee our survival. And that is our primary function. It’s our desire to stay safe and secure. And so from a feeling standpoint, when we are certain, it makes us feel like we can plan and by extension, that we are safe. It’s why we like music that’s based on repeating patterns when you can anticipate what’s to come. Uncertainty, on the other hand, makes us feel incredibly uncomfortable because if you don’t know the source of that noise, maybe it is the tiger.

Simone Stolzoff 00:12:42  The problem is that our brains are also wired to see a lot of false positives. We often perceive uncertainty as a threat, when it might just be a discomfort of being in a new place that we’ve never been, or the precursor to learning, or a feeling that is necessary to go through to discover the possibilities that might be sitting on the other side of our discomfort. So in order to build this uncertainty tolerance, we have to tell ourselves a different story, which is that uncertainty does not necessarily mean danger. Uncertainty can potentially be the cause of fear, can be hard to deal with, but it can also be something that shows us something about ourselves or the world that we didn’t previously know.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:36  So you talk about three psychological or behavioral traps. I may be paraphrasing you there comfort, hubris and control. And then you turn around and say, you know, each of those has a sort of a corresponding virtue that would go with it openness, humility, acceptance. Talk to me first about the three comfort. Hubris in control. Because that’s really how you orient the book.

Simone Stolzoff 00:14:01  Yeah, it’s every nonfiction book needs its framework. And this is my framework. I originally wanted to call them the The Three Horsemen of Delusion, but my editor thought that was a little too highfalutin. And so we settled on the certainty traps.

Eric Zimmer 00:14:14  I like it, yeah, I get it.

Simone Stolzoff 00:14:16  In many ways. You know, they’re just these psychological tendencies that we have that keep us stuck without accepting uncertainty. So for comfort, for example, we all have a status quo bias. We probably all know a friend who’s in a job or in a relationship that they know isn’t quite working for them, but they’d rather the devil they know. They’d rather stay with the situation that is known and comfortable, as opposed to exposing themselves to the uncertainty of what happens if they walk away. For hubris, this is our tendency to be excessively proud. Our tendency to think that we know best. And I think this shows up all the time in the business world, where people claim to know exactly how many entry level jobs will be wiped out by AI, or how the market is going to behave over the course of the next 12 months.

Simone Stolzoff 00:15:05  The last is maybe the most pervasive, which is control, which is our desire to plan for all future outcomes, to need to know exactly how our career will progress, to need to know exactly what the future of the climate or our own death day will be. And all. Though all of these psychological needs are borne out of a place of wantonness to stay safe and secure and survive. They also come with costs, with comfort, with. We are not willing to expose ourselves to uncertainty. We will never learn. Not just our own preferences, but what we are capable of. With hubris, it can be indicative of blind spots where you can’t see ways in which you may be erring or not seeing an accurate picture of reality. And with control. Our desire for control, particularly about things that we can’t control, like macroeconomic conditions or climate change, or these things in our life that are outside of our realm of influence, can suck so much of our energy and attention and take us away from the realm which we actually can control, which is our realm of influence.

Simone Stolzoff 00:16:22  And so that’s sort of the flip side of each of these traps. So on the other side of comfort is the growth and learning that comes from being outside of our comfort zone. On the other side of hubris is the humility that comes from admitting what we don’t or can’t now. And on the other side, if control is the acceptance that comes from being able to separate what is in and outside of our power.

Eric Zimmer 00:17:02  I think that’s an important point to note, because I often think, sometimes we think that we need to get to a place where we’re not uncomfortable for things to be valuable. I mean, it’s sort of the opposite of the comfort question, but there’s a line you have from a researcher and I love it. She says uncertainty is annoying, difficult and stressful for a reason because if it wasn’t, we wouldn’t pay attention to it and take action.

Simone Stolzoff 00:17:26  Yeah, I love that too, you know? Uncertainty is what incentivizes us to say, put on a seatbelt before we enter a car, because we’re not sure whether the car is going to crash or to maybe think twice before we reach for that berry that we’re not sure is poisonous. And so in many ways, like many of the sort of emotions in the negative register. They can be great teachers. They can be instructive and tell us what we might need to pay attention to, even in the context of something personal, like a relationship. If you’re uncertain about something, maybe that is a flag that shows that you need to have a conversation with your partner about it. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to abandon ship or leave right away, but uncertainty is that teacher. It is that sort of internal alarm system that’s saying, pay attention to this. This might not be in your favor.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:15  I want to talk about decisions. And you frame up this making decisions through three different people’s perspectives. Ira Bledsoe, Esther Perel and Ruth Chang share about those.

Simone Stolzoff 00:18:29  So the broader context is that the book is narrative based. So each chapter of the book has its own sort of mini case study. And one of the chapters I profile a couple and they have been together for 17 years, married for ten, and they’re out having a drink at a bar in New York City, and they decide to do something that other people thought was insane.

Simone Stolzoff 00:18:50  They decided to go their separate ways for a year, and then come back to the bar to decide whether they want to stay together. 12 months later, they called it the Year of Living Dangerously. And I remember first hearing this story and I was like, well, I have to write about this. This is a stranger than fiction, and I won’t ruin that. And you’ll have to read the book to find out what happens. But in the context of reporting this story, I reached out to all of these experts. So Esther Perel is this famed couples therapist. Ira Bradshaw is this ethicist who was at Emory University, and then Ruth Ching as a philosopher. So it’s sort of three different perspectives on this question of what do you do when you’re uncertain about a relationship? But it can also be extrapolated to other facets of life, and they each have their own perspective. One of the lines from Esther Perel that I really loved was that trust is an active engagement with the unknown. So, so many people come to Esther and they say, how do I know whether I found the one? Or how do I know whether I am in the relationship? Or I should go on another date? And the truth is, you can’t know, especially not at the outset.

Simone Stolzoff 00:19:57  You can’t know whether this person is the right person or be your one and only love, or is worth exploring until you’ve actually transacted, until you’ve actually been able to take some of those leaps and find out whether they continue to show up. And so I love that idea of trust being an active engagement with the unknown. Bradshaw is an ethicist, and so he works both at hospital and with college students, helping them figure out their career. And whenever someone comes to him with an uncertain predicament, he always asks them the same three questions. And I love them all. The first is what do you want? Pretty straightforward, but the idea here is to get out of your head and into a more embodied sense of desire. The second is, do you want to want that which is little heady, but it’s what ethicists talk about as your second order desires. So sort of your your desires, of your desires. So do I want to smoke a cigarette? Sure. Do I want to want to smoke a cigarette? Maybe not.

Simone Stolzoff 00:20:55  You’re sort of more reflective self. The third question, which is the one that I like the most, is what does this choice say about who you are and why I like it is because when we’re making a decision, when you’re at that crossroads and you can go left or go right, you can’t necessarily know the outcome of your decision. And so that question, what does this choice say about who you are or who you want to be? Taps into this aspirational version of ourselves. It helps align your choices with your values. And if you make a choice that’s aligned, hopefully you can stand by your decision even if you don’t get the outcome that you desire. And the third is this woman, Ruth Chang, who’s a philosopher. And she says that what makes a hard decision hard is not that one option is clearly better than another, and you’re just too stupid to work it out. What makes a hard decision hard is that one option is likely better for some reasons. Another option is likely better for others, and neither is better overall.

Simone Stolzoff 00:22:00  So rather than agonizing over trying to make the right decision or trying to find the perfect fit, she says, make a decision by whatever means you can, and then spend your energy telling yourself a story of why that decision is right. Sort of retroactively weaving a narrative about all of the reasons why you made that choice. And I love that, you know, the example that she gives is imagine you’re deciding what to eat for breakfast, and you’re deciding between a bowl of fruit and a doughnut. The fruit is healthier. The donut is more delicious, but neither is better overall. And so you go back and forth and back and forth, and you make pro con lists and you talk to your yoga teacher about it and yada yada. She says, make your choice and then tell yourself the story. Today I am going for the doughnut because doughnuts are delicious and I want to start my day with joy. And I think we can make lots of life’s crossroad decisions from a similar vantage point.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:58  Yeah, I think the danger there, of course, is the narratives that we can very easily tell ourselves about consistently making the donut choice, right? If we’re not, if we’re not careful.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:09  But I flip a coin for a lot of things. It drives my partner nuts. She’s like, you can’t just decide by flipping a coin. And I’m like, yes, I can because I’ve spent five minutes and I can’t tell the difference. And so it doesn’t matter. I also love the Ruth Chang one because it also says something I think is really important, which is that we’re too stupid to know which. Hard choices are hard, not because of our ignorance. And I’ve been in situations where I’ve had to make very difficult decisions. The biggest, most wrenching one for me was my last marriage, right. And it just went on a long time. Lots of many decisions. But one of the worst parts was that I just kept feeling like I should be able to figure this out. And it was a little bit of a relief to me, a little turning down of my psychological distress to go. You can’t figure it out because this is a really difficult decision. And like you said, I’ve got two choices.

Eric Zimmer 00:24:08  Neither of these is particularly the one I want. You know, or they’re both good and bad in very different ways. And I and I think so for me, for the trivial things, just making the decision is really valuable. And those more important things. I do think knowing that it’s natural for this to be really difficult, it’s helpful.

Simone Stolzoff 00:24:29  Yeah. There’s a line from a psychologist that I quote in the book that I really like, this guy named Rollo May, and he says that commitment is healthiest, not in the absence of doubt, but in spite of doubt. And what I love about that is it is not making an assumption that you should be able to rid or banish doubt or uncertainty from your mind, but it’s by making choices in spite of not knowing exactly how they’ll turn out. That refines our character, that makes us into who we are. I remember in my own life this this maybe lower stakes, but equally as distressing decision between choosing to take a job as a journalist or to work at this design firm in San Francisco.

Simone Stolzoff 00:25:17  The journalism job was on the East Coast. And, you know, on one hand, it’s like world’s smallest violin. You know, the agony of deciding between two attractive job offers. But on the other hand, it really sent me for an existential loop. And maybe some of our listeners have been at a similar sort of crossroads where they can see two very distinct paths. There were sort of Simone, the designer on one path, simony, the journalist on the other, and I was insufferable. I could not make up my mind for the life of me, and I talked about it with everyone I knew, and depending on the side of the bed, I woke up and I would change my mind. And what I realized in retrospect is exactly what you just said. What made the decision hard is not that there was a clear right path. It was one path was better for some reasons. Another path was better for other reasons, and neither it was better overall. And so what I had to do is be able to make a choice to commit in spite of my doubt, in spite of my uncertainty.

Simone Stolzoff 00:26:14  And in many ways, this book is just sort of a balm for the 28 year old. I was trying to make that choice in my life. You know, we write the books that we need to read.

Eric Zimmer 00:26:22  Yeah, well, that idea of the Harvard psychologist Ellen Langer talks about not making the right choice, making the choice right. And it’s the same thing that once you do, it’s really very beneficial, as was suggested, to start the narrative about how this is the right choice and to live fully into that choice. You know, I remember the more recently for me, my son trying to figure out college was a similar thing. I just was like, there’s no right answer here. There are variables. We can’t even begin to predict that. We just can’t know. Who’s your roommate? Do you have a good roommate? Do you have a bad roommate? Who are your professor? I mean, there’s so many factors that we just don’t know. Like, let’s make an informed choice, but then ultimately just realize, like, once the choice is made, now we go live it.

Simone Stolzoff 00:27:14  Yeah. That’s my. My Russian friend used to tell me, you make a choice and then you murder the alternatives. Which I kind of like thinking of that, especially in the context of something like a college. You know, there’s this, decision strategists that I talked to for the book. This former professional poker player named Annie Duke. And she gave me this tool that I think is very helpful, called the only option test, which is imagine you’re deciding between going on vacation to two equally as attractive places. Maybe one is Rome and the other is Paris. And, you know, it’s a high stakes decision because it’s expensive. You might not be able to take many trips like this in your lifetime. And so you agonize. You make pro con bliss. You flip the coin, you flip the coin again. What she says is, imagine someone had a gun to your head and said, your only option is to go to Rome. Would you be happy? And then imagine if that same person had a gun to your head and said, your only option is to go to Paris? Would you be happy? And if the answer is yes to both, maybe the decision matters less than you think.

Simone Stolzoff 00:28:18  You think. And so for your son, for example, maybe he’s choosing between two schools. What makes the decision hired is the opportunity cost is knowing that choosing one school means foreclosing on its options of choosing other schools. But if you only had one choice to make and he would be happy, maybe that’s a decision that he could make relatively quickly.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:38  Yeah, it’s the other thing that the coin toss does for me is that it? I almost immediately discover that I had a preference. After all, when the coin comes up like it’s just I have, I can feel it. I’m like, no or yet, right? If I still can’t discern, then I’m like, okay, truly, either one is a perfectly good choice. 

Before we dive back into the conversation, let me ask you something. What’s one thing that has been holding you back lately? You know that it’s there. You’ve tried to push past it, but somehow it keeps getting in the way. You’re not alone in this, and I’ve identified six major saboteurs of self-control.  Things like autopilot behavior, self-doubt, emotional Escapism that quietly derail our best intentions. But here’s the good news you can outsmart them. And I’ve put together a free guide to help you spot these hidden obstacles and give you simple, actionable strategies that you can use to regain control. Download the free guide now. At oneyoufeed.net/ebook and take the first step towards getting back on track. I want to move on to the next chapter, which has one of my favorite titles of any chapter in recent memory, which is The Prison of Our Preferences.

Simone Stolzoff 00:30:00  Yeah. So the story here is the story of a young fellow named Max, and he is a software engineer. In college, he actually studied software engineering in art, fine art, which I think is a little bit illustrative of the way that his career and his life developed. But he’s a software engineer. He gets a job at Google, a sort of dream job. He moves out to the Bay area and after a few years of working, he has this uncanny feeling that his life is just sort of acting out this expected script.

Simone Stolzoff 00:30:29  But each day just feels like rinse and repeat. And he goes to the coffee shop that’s highly rated on Yelp, and he takes the optimal route to work on his bike, and he goes to the exact bar that you would think a 24 year old living in San Francisco would go to. And so he decides to shake things up a little bit, and perhaps in an extreme way, which is he starts designing algorithms to make decisions on his behalf. In many ways, they’re sort of like the souped up coin flips that Eric uses. And the first one he does is it taps into the Uber API and calls an Uber to his house and brings him to a location in this city known only to the driver. So it’s sort of like a roulette Uber roulette. And so he, you know, gets to see all these different neighborhoods, these different places that he wouldn’t have otherwise seen. Then he decides to dial it up a notch. And at the time, Facebook had this feature where you could see all of the public events in your area around you.

Simone Stolzoff 00:31:26  And so he created his Facebook random event generator that would just tell him a random event to go to in the city, and then he would go. And at its most extreme, he quit his job and he created an algorithm to choose where he lives around the world. So each month he would roll the dice and they would say, Cortina, Slovenia. And he would pick up his bag and he would go to Slovenia. And he lived there for a year or a month, and then at the end of the month, he would roll the dice again and says, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam. And he sort of lived his whole life this way for over two years. And what I like about it is, in the short term, you might think this man is like an uncertainty expert. This is like our our sensei. We can learn so much about him from his tolerance of uncertainty, his willingness to expose himself into new situations. But I interviewed this psychologist named Mikhail Dukat, who really helped change my mind.

Simone Stolzoff 00:32:22  And Duga was one of the first people to link intolerance of uncertainty with a lot of anxiety disorders that he sees in his patients. And he says that when people are particularly intolerant of uncertainty, he tends to see one of two different behaviors. The first is people become obsessive information gatherers. You know, we probably all have a friend who needs to read like 300 reviews on Amazon before they buy a plastic water bottle, or we become extremely impulsive. And he says neither is really an adaptive behavior. Like, imagine you’re trying to buy a jeans. The information gatherer will have to try on every pair of jeans in the store. The impulsive person will have to buy the pair of jeans in the window, but both are sort of avoidance strategies to try to get away from the uncertainty that is inherent in making any choice in your life. And so on the surface, where you might see Max as someone who is really tolerant of uncertainty by outsourcing the responsibility or the decision to the algorithm, he’s in fact avoiding uncertainty.

Simone Stolzoff 00:33:28  He’s finding certainty and is not needing to choose himself. And so it was a fascinating chapter to report, and I think it taught me a lot about this balance between exploring and exploiting, this balance between wanting to learn about the world and novelty and new possibilities, while also committing and having stuff that compounds that we can continue to return to and find meaning.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:08  When I was reading that chapter, I was thinking about a story about the musician John Cage that I read recently and as his career went on, he was a Zen practitioner to a certain degree. So his idea was that the ideal music is the music in which the composer’s ego is completely absent, absent from. And so he would be doing things like just using the I Ching to pick chords. He was he was taking it like to such an extreme that when I first start reading about it, I’m like, wow, that is really cool. And then I listened to some of John Cage’s music and I’m like, hold on a second. Like, you know, there is a role for the composer to be making choices.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:52  Again, I think he was proving points often with his music, but to me it was that like, you know, how do we find the middle ground of I obsess over every last detail of everything I compose to the nth degree, or I absolutely to your point, outsource all the decisions to some random generator. And I think the conclusion I came to after I read that, and that you’re sort of coming to you right now, is like, we got to find that middle place that works for us. And the other thing that I think is interesting about that explore, exploit dilemma. Right. The explore is you just keep doing different things. The exploit is maybe you try something that compounds or you just keep like, you know, you’ve got a good restaurant, you just keep going to the good restaurant. And what I found interesting about that dilemma is I think we can be on different parts of that spectrum for different parts of our lives. Like food wise, I’m kind of an exploiter like, meaning that my uncertainty tolerance on food is less, you know, or my window of of comfort is less.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:59  But other things, it’s a lot more wide. Yeah, but I think the prison of our preferences is just such a I just love it because I see how more and more, particularly as I age more of my choices get made by comfort. That’s the one that is driving the engine, and it is not the one that I want driving the engine, I don’t want to banish it to the outskirts. I think that prison of our preferences is a lot because, you know, if we look at Buddhism in general, there is a certain degree of, hey, you are suffering because you are very attached to this going one way or the other.

Simone Stolzoff 00:36:39  Yeah, yeah. At the very least, if you’re to attached to one way of life or one dish from a restaurant or one job title, you become fragile because that thing might get taken away from you, or you might not be able to go to that restaurant, or you might get laid off or furloughed. And so that’s one case for diversifying your preferences.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:02  Or North Star, don’t even say that North Star could go away. I don’t know, don’t even suggest it.

Simone Stolzoff 00:37:09  But I think there’s there’s trade-offs on both ends of the spectrum. So if you do too much exploration, too much novelty seeking your life doesn’t necessarily move in a particular direction. And this is what Max ultimately found. You know, he spent all this time traveling and seeing the world, but it had diminishing returns. Whereas if you do too much exploitation, too much leaning into what you already know and you like, that has a few costs as well. One is you might miss out on a preference that you didn’t know you had. You know the restaurant around the corner that you might like a little bit better or like better certain days of the week, or the dish on the menu that you didn’t know that you wanted to order. And so in addition to it being person dependent and dependent on maybe different facets of your life, I also think it changes a lot as we age, and people who are older might need a little bit less exploration as they become a little bit more calcified in their ways.

Simone Stolzoff 00:38:13  Whereas if you’re younger, you might need a little bit more exploration as you’re trying to determine your tastes and figure out who you are. But the most important takeaway in my mind is that we all need both. We need to have some certainty and some uncertainty to live a fulfilling life.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:30  Yeah. I mean, I think when it comes to that aging piece, you raise a point that I think about a lot is that I notice tendencies of aging in myself that I don’t generally like, and resisting the things that come with aging is not exactly a graceful way to go about it, but nor is giving in to the tendencies that come with it. So, you know, figuring that out is always sort of a nuanced path.

Simone Stolzoff 00:38:59  Yeah, very much so.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:01  All right. Let’s move on from here. And I want to talk about doubt. Talk to me about the role of doubt as a positive force in our lives, or the cost of not doubting. Whichever way you’d like to go.

Simone Stolzoff 00:39:22  Yeah, I mean, they go hand in hand, right? If you’re too overly confident, if you don’t introduce any sort of doubt or uncertainty into your thought process, you’re prone to have large blind spots.

Simone Stolzoff 00:39:35  And we see this all the time. There is a benefit to having expertise and experience, but the cost is that we are these pattern matching brains. And if you always expect something to go a certain way, you might miss out on something that’s outside of your purview. The classic image, which I really like a lot, is you can become a drunk man looking for his keys under the streetlight, because that’s the only place that’s illuminated. And so one of the things that introducing doubt or maybe in an organizational context, descent or in your personal life. Some uncertainty is. It makes you think twice. It makes you pay attention to what you might be missing. It makes you find evidence to support your claims, as opposed to making assumptions that you know are right. The problem is that introducing too much doubt or too much uncertainty can be paralyzing. It can keep you from making a choice at all. There’s this one study that I talk about in this middle section about hubris that I really like a lot, and it was conducted at a university, and they broke students up into small groups to solve a murder mystery.

Simone Stolzoff 00:40:50  And a majority of these students were in Greek life. So fraternities or sororities and in certain groups, they were homogenous. So they were all people from the same frat or sorority house. And in other groups there, they were more heterogeneous. They had people from different houses, and then they worked on the murder mystery and then came up with their results and then rated how effective they thought their group was. And the findings were fascinating. Groups that had diversity in them, people from different houses were correct at a much higher rate. They were better decision makers. And yet the process of coming to a decision they rated as less effective, whereas people that were part of the in-group, this homogenous group of people that were all in the same sorority, for example, had an easier time coming to consensus. They thought that they worked better together, but they were less effective. And I think you can take this finding and think about so many aspects of your life or your organization that probably falls in line, which is to say that when we are surrounded by people who always think like us, it feels good.

Simone Stolzoff 00:42:03  There’s less tension, there’s less friction, but often you’re prone to blind spots and mistakes and you’re thinking, whereas when there is a diversity of perspectives or ages or people of different teams or people that have different life circumstances, there is friction. And maybe that’s by a design that friction is what leads to more comprehensive decision making. And even though it doesn’t feel as good, often that ultimate outcome is more accurate. And so that’s sort of a tension that we’re all having to navigate in the context of our businesses or our lives or families or relationships. Maybe there’s no better source of a frictionless decision than one that you only have to make with yourself. And yet, when we surround ourselves with other people, there is always going to be a little bit of a rub, which is maybe by design.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:52  Yeah, that was one of my favorite studies in the book, too. I found it absolutely fascinating that you would objectively be worse at solving the problem, but think you were better at it because it made you comfortable.  It made me think of a couple things. My career before I did this was in software. And so a lot of times, you know, we would get brought a problem as a leader. And there’s like one person that knows the answer. Yeah. And intuitively it makes sense to me. I’m like, yeah, that’s that. Of course that’s probably exactly what’s happening. And sometimes that was the case. And rushing down that path would get us to an answer far faster. But there were plenty of times that I rushed us to decision, because the people that I most liked agreed with me, you know? Now, I couldn’t see that at the time. Yeah. You know, the other story that it made me think of is I did this, like Outward Bound expedition several years ago, and it’s an organization that takes people out into the wilderness and trains them to do well out there. And so we were out on a nine day thing, and in the beginning, our guides sort of told us where to go, but as the week went on, we had to make more and more of the decisions with a map and a compass.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:11  The whole process was always uncomfortable because you broke into like, you know, four groups, and in each group you’re debating what’s the right answer. Then you have to all come together and all agree on the right answer and collectively. So the whole process was fraught with that uncomfortableness. But I remember one time all of us except one woman thought we knew the right way to go. And this woman was by nature a very retiring, shy, not comfortable confronting people. But she just sort of stuck to her guns. And you can see where this is going. She was, of course, was the right one. Yeah. And I just loved that story as another example of like sometimes that, you know, that dissenting opinion, as annoying as it is. Right. Because I’m just like, can we just wrap this up? I’ve got, like, a £40 pack on my back. Here we go. You know? But she saved us hours. You know, she saved us ours by being willing to be the one that disagreed.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:16  And and I think in a beautiful personal empowerment way, I think it was a huge lesson to her that, like, I can, you know, like I can have an opinion. It’s valuable and it’s right. It was just a it was kind of a beautiful thing.

Simone Stolzoff 00:45:27  That is beautiful. And I think the fact that she is by nature shy gives her more credibility because often, like, especially in a business team context, you’re often listening to the loudest voice in the room or the person that gets paid the most opinion, and it shows. You know, this is classic groupthink, right? If everyone starts thinking one way, you just want to get on the bandwagon. But if you’re willing to stick to your guns and back it up with evidence and share your thinking, that actually will ultimately lead to to better group decision making.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:57  Yeah, the thing that I found difficult in that work context also is that sometimes there’s just the person that disagrees because that’s what they do, right? And you’re like, I don’t really want to pay that guy a ton of attention.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:11  But sometimes he actually is right, you know? And so there’s a tendency to be like, all right, you’re just slowing this whole process down, you know? Anyway, no short answers to any of that, but it certainly made me think about that as we looked at that chapter.

Simone Stolzoff 00:46:26  There’s a framework that I like when it comes to making these types of decisions in a business context, which is rather than thinking just about consensus as what we’re looking for. Like everyone’s saying yes or everyone’s saying no, there’s a middle ground which is safe enough to try. And so rather than it just being we need 100% in or 100% out being willing to run the experiment, being willing to try something, let’s say let’s go for this direction in five minutes and then reassess is often a better way of trying to balance that tension between wanting to, you know, disagree and commit versus wanting to talk it over one more time.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:07  That’s beautiful. Going back to the prison of your preferences also. Like, is this safe enough to try? It’s a great question.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:14  Like, oh, I’m really not losing that much by, you know, moving outside of what I would normally do here. I love the Voltaire quote. Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is an absurd one.

Simone Stolzoff 00:47:27  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:28  Now, one of the things that I notice in the world, and I’m not alone in noticing this, is that certainty is very rewarded in a lot of places. You know, even if I look at the world that you and I are sort of in, which is, I don’t know, I want to call it personal development, business advice, self-help, whatever you want to call it. Right. The people who are really certain that they have the answers tend to do well in a lot of ways. Is this just back to the uncomfortable of what uncertainty is. And just as a people will just be like, I’d rather not. I’d rather not wrestle with that question. I’d rather not have all the nuance.

Simone Stolzoff 00:48:08  Yeah, I mean, we all want to hitch our wagon to the leader that has a very clear idea of exactly what the future will look like. Or, you know, the most extreme, maybe a cult leader who tells you exactly what the world is going to do, or exactly the steps you need to take to get to heaven. The problem is, these hubristic leaders are attractive and not always correct. And so it’s easy to sort of outsource your worldview or to say, okay, I’m just going to follow this politician or this CEO or this, you know, self-help guru into the dark. And yet, especially with anything that hasn’t happened yet, the idea that we can be certain is a fallacy. Yeah. And particularly in these moments, like the one that we’re living through right now where there is so much precarity and uncertainty. The peddling of certainty just increases. You know, you turn on the TV and there’s someone that’s going to tell you exactly who’s going to win the election. You open your app on your phone and someone tells you the food that you need to eat. If you want to live to 100 and it’s attractive. You get it. It sort of taps into this, you know, person in the jungle that’s like, oh, when I’m certain, then I feel safe, then I can plan and I feel secure. The problem is, it’s often wrong, or at least not the whole story.

Eric Zimmer 00:49:30  Yeah, yeah, I notice it in myself. And I think, like, my entire worldview is sort of nuance and questioning. And yet I feel the same pull. I’m like, maybe they really have figured out how to do 200 hours of therapy in 20 minutes, right? Maybe, maybe this person really has cracked the code.

Simone Stolzoff 00:49:51  Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I mean, we all have that tendency in ourselves to look for the path of least resistance, or the easier answer, and to say that it’s nuanced or it’s not black and white. Or maybe you’re wrong. It is not as attractive. And I think it’s true. You know, for example, thinking about a CEO. No one wants a leader that just says, I don’t know what’s going to happen.

Simone Stolzoff 00:50:13  And yet the leaders that say, this is exactly what’s going to happen. You know, they are often wrong. And so I think we need a little bit of both. We need the types of leaders who are confident about what they know, are humble enough to admit what they don’t know, and who are willing to design a plan for learning and figuring things out.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:31  Yeah, I faced this when I was writing my book because I’m a big believer there’s not like one size fits all solutions, right? Everybody’s life is different. There’s so many varying circumstances. So my natural tendency, if I’m not careful, is to hedge everything and caveat everything and create 8000 pages worth of end notes. But at a certain point, then I’m just not saying anything right to write. It’s complicated and hand it back to my editor is not exactly a good book.

Simone Stolzoff 00:51:00  Yeah, I love that quote. All models are wrong, but some are useful. Yeah, and, you know, I think it’s true. You can’t take a picture of the whole world.

Simone Stolzoff 00:51:08  You need to put up a frame. You need to have constraints. And of course, you know, lots of pieces of advice are one size fits all are overly prescriptive, but sometimes they sort of function like the coin flip, where they give you something to react to and you don’t have to necessarily accept it whole hog. But it’s nice to have people who are willing to put a stake in the ground.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:31  So one of the things that I really liked in the book was sort of a two by two decision matrix. Can you share that with me?

Simone Stolzoff 00:51:41  Yeah. Basically the two axes are is this a decision that is of high consequence or the stakes high, or is the decision of low consequence with lower stakes? And is it a decision that is in my realm of influence, or is it a decision that’s outside of my realm of influence? And we spend a lot of time focused on decisions that we have no control over, or decisions that are of low consequence. And what we should actually be spending on our time is, is only that one quadrant of high stakes decisions that we have control over.

Simone Stolzoff 00:52:18  And another way to think about this is through what you might know as the Serenity Prayer, which is very popular in any sort of addiction or 12 step program. God grant me the serenity to to accept the things I can’t control, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I think the majority of the decisions in our day to day lives are in that low consequence quadrant. They are about what to eat or what to wear, what to watch on the TV. And not to say that those decisions don’t matter at all, but you can often make those decisions quickly because the cost of making a wrong decision is relatively low. They are what are sometimes referred to as two way door decisions, where if you make the decision, you walk out the door, you realize you made the wrong decision. You can walk back through that door.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:09  It’s my friend. Chris gets hung up though, because he can’t decide what clothes to wear. He often ends up just going out in public with nothing on.

Simone Stolzoff 00:53:17  Poor Chris. Or maybe a blessing to everyone around him for the past year.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:22  Well, I’m not going to comment on that second part. All right.

Simone Stolzoff 00:53:26  The other types of decisions that are in our controller. Obviously, you know, the decisions that are more like one way, two decisions, questions like, you know, should I marry this person? Should I buy this house? And those are decisions that warrant a more analytical decision making process. The problem is, when we take our frameworks from one day, one way to our decisions and apply them to two way door decisions. And I’m sure we all have a friend that will go back and forth and back and forth, and whether they want to get the pizza or the pasta, and then they put in their order and then they changed their order. We could afford to be making some of those two way door decisions a lot quicker.

Eric Zimmer 00:54:00  Yeah, I love that idea of there’s one quadrant that’s worth paying attention to. I think the tricky part, because I’ve thought a lot about this.

Eric Zimmer 00:54:09  I’ve lived with a serenity prayer for 30 years now since I came into recovery the first time is that so many things don’t fit cleanly into either column, and I think that makes things trickier. I was talking with somebody who’d had a chronic disease for a long time. Right. And we were talking about how, you know, there’s part of that process which is learning to accept that your life is kind of the way it is, but also recognizing there’s things you can change. Or I think about, like, you know, we could say like, well, you’re not in control of your, you know, what happens with your finances, which ultimately is true. The stock market could implode tomorrow. There’s nothing there. But there’s a lot that I can influence in that. And that’s why I love you using the word influence more than the word control, you know? Because I do think a lot of these things are matters of influence. Even, like, you know, I may not be able to control when I die, but I certainly can influence how likely that is to happen in, you know, next week.

Simone Stolzoff 00:55:12  Yeah, I really like that distinction a lot. And, and makes me think that we can make decisions that plan for that uncertainty. You know, in the same way that like an investor benefits from diversifying the stocks in their portfolio as a tactic that helps them hedge against a future market that they don’t know. We can do that in our personal life, too. You know, my first book was called The Good Enough Job, and it was about the value of diversifying our identities beyond just what we do for work. And one of the main arguments is that when you’re able to see yourself as more than just a software engineer or an accountant or a lawyer, It allows you to have a more broad foundation so that even if you were to lose one pillar of your identity, the house can remain standing. And I think that’s a lot of our work in this current moment where we don’t know what the future holds. We don’t know whether AI is going to undermine these industries or whether the president is going to lead us to a world war or what have you.

Simone Stolzoff 00:56:12  But you can do things in your life that are both commitments. In spite of that uncertainty and things that plan for an uncertain future like hedging.

Eric Zimmer 00:56:23  I was thinking of going to the story of you and your wife, the pregnancy, and part of what I really like about that is that even as someone who knows all this about uncertainty, how living in it is actually still challenging.

Simone Stolzoff 00:56:38  Yeah. So while I was reporting the book, my wife and I were trying to get pregnant for the first time, and we did. And we were so excited and we started planning future. We got the app that says, you know, how big is your baby? Based on what week you’re at. And we started calling this unborn kid Poppy. And about three months and we were at the doctor’s office and she said, at this stage in the pregnancy, we’d expect to see a heartbeat. And I’m not picking one up on the ultrasound right now. And, you know, of course, our minds go, oh, shit, you know what’s happening? And she said, why don’t you come back in a week and then we can do some more tests and see where we’re at.

Simone Stolzoff 00:57:18  So not only did we have to deal with the prospect of miscarriage, but we also had to deal with the waiting. And I just been writing about these studies about how, you know, a study at the University of College London where participants were given either a 50% chance of receiving a painful electric shock or an 100% chance of receiving a painful electric shock. And those with the 50% chance were far more stressed and anxious than those with 100% chance, or a study of breast cancer patients where they found that the period between getting a biopsy and getting a diagnosis is often the hardest part of the entire breast cancer journey. It’s the waiting. It’s the uncertainty. And here I am writing about the stuff, and then I have to deal with it in my own life. And I remember that week very clearly. You know, it was tough. There is no no two ways around that. But there were also some, some beautiful moments. My wife and I would maybe make eye contact in a crowded room or hug for a little bit longer.

Simone Stolzoff 00:58:14  It sort of had a slowing down of time. We were very present in our experience and sure enough, we come back to the doctor a week later and it was what was called a pregnancy demise. You know, we lost the baby. And what that story taught me is that uncertainty is tricky by design. You know, in the last chapter of the book, I talk about grief and death, and there’s this one line that I keep coming back to, which is the fact that we live in the death denying culture robs us of the ability to appreciate how we want to live. And, you know, the loss was really hard. And now this is a few years later. We were able to conceive again. And I think we appreciate that baby just a little bit more because we went through that negative experience. But all of the wisdom of the book, you know, this idea of finding your anchors, of finding the things in your life that you are certain about, this idea of trusting in your future self, this idea of being willing to transact in spite of not knowing.

Simone Stolzoff 00:59:28  I got to live it in my own life. And every time I look at my son now, I think a little bit about that loss and how it helped me become more appreciative of the life that I do have.

Eric Zimmer 00:59:41  Before we wrap up, I want you to think about this. Have you ever ended the day feeling like your choices didn’t quite match the person you wanted to be? Maybe it was autopilot mode or self-doubt that made it harder to stick to your goals. And that’s exactly why I created The Six Saboteurs of Self-control. It’s a free guide to help you recognize the hidden patterns that hold you back and give you simple, effective strategies to break through them. If you’re ready to take back control and start making lasting changes. Download your copy now at once. Let’s make those shifts happen starting today. Oneyoufeed.net/ebook. 

Well, that is a great place for us to end. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with us. You and I are going to continue in the post-show conversation, where I’d actually like to take those four lessons of living with uncertainty that you gave us in 15 seconds and explore them a little bit more.

Eric Zimmer 01:00:43  Some, you know, even more practical tools for living with uncertainty. So listeners, if you would like access to that and not have to live with the knowing uncertainty of what brilliant thing did Simo say, as well as add free episodes and really importantly, supporting something that you know with no uncertainty you love? Go to one. You bet. Thank you so much, Simo.

Simone Stolzoff 01:01:07  Thanks for having me on the show.

Eric Zimmer 01:01:08  Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity. But we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time.

Eric Zimmer 01:01:40  Thank you for being part of the One You Feed community.