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My internal weather has felt really gloomy over the past two months.

It started when I had sinus surgery back in March and it went on and on, and got worse and worse.

I have felt feelings of depression, hopelessness, low self worth/self esteem, grief, and anxiety – just to name a few. I’ve largely felt like I’ve been at war with myself internally…not liking what’s happening inside me and going to battle with myself for it.

Here are a couple of major contributing factors:

• My sinus surgery and our subsequent travel plans meant that I couldn’t work out for a month. I am continually blown away (not an exaggeration) at how much of a positive impact working out has on my sense of well being. Even beyond that, I got out of my morning routine and it turns out what I do to start my day really does matter.
• I have been in what our coach Charlie calls a “grief sludge” – missing my mom so deeply and realizing what her loss means to my life. I am homesick for a place that no longer exists – my mom and her home.

Two months is a long stretch for me to feel so shitty – I haven’t felt this heavy for this long in quite some time. I certainly have tough days or weeks but then I return to baseline … and that just wasn’t happening this time.

Part way through, I realized I was doing something that was really helping me continue on in the face of it all:

I was intentionally calling to mind things that I know to be true, but that I was doubting because life felt so hard.

These things are truths that I have experienced at a deep level. Though my low mood or dark mind might try and convince me otherwise, I can see through the illusion and know that it is still true, even if I don’t feel it at the moment. And doing so brings me real comfort.

For example, here are 4 truths I have been intentionally remembering:

1. Everything is constantly changing. Nothing lasts forever. This situation, these feelings WILL change.
2. I don’t have to believe my thoughts. They’re just thoughts and they come and go. The Buddha encouraged his followers to “not be bothered by their thoughts”. I can notice them and when needed, direct my attention elsewhere.
3. I am whole, worthy of love and belonging – just because I am a human being on the planet earth. I don’t have to hussle for my worthiness (as Brene Brown says). I am enough.
4. The reason life feels hard is because that’s just how life is sometimes. Like the Buddha taught – in life, there is suffering. We need not take it personally or be surprised when it happens. And we can know that we share this experience of difficulty with everyone in the human race who has ever lived. I’m not alone in that.

Remembering these truths in painful times feels like a lifeline to me. Like a buoy, they’re something I can hold on to and stay afloat until the waves settle down and the storm passes.

So, what do you know to be true that you might call to mind and intentionally remember when life feels hard?

I’ve found that it’s helpful to make a list of these things when life doesn’t feel hard. Start a note in your phone or a page in your journal. You can even write it like you’re writing a letter to yourself when life is hard. What does that version of you need to be reminded of – what is a truth that you know deep in your bones?

(As an aside, I used to do something similar back in my binge-eating cupcake days. I’d write down how awful I felt after ingesting that much sugar at once. The next time I was tempted to buy a dozen cupcakes and down them all, I’d go back and read what I had written, remembering the reality of how it actually made me feel. Doing so really helped me put a stop to this habit and move towards more mindful eating.)

I’m happy to report that I am feeling much better now. I’m so grateful to feel some lightness, capability and aliveness inside of me again. Thank goodness for truth #1!!

I’m about to write something that may ruffle some feathers in the meditation world.

In many mindfulness and meditation circles, a lot of time and effort are spent paying attention to the present moment. But, contrary to what you may think, daydreaming about the future and reflecting on events in the past can actually be very healthy, helpful, and even necessary mental endeavors.

It’s easy to demonize this mental time travel when tremendous value is placed on remaining in the present moment when meditating and practicing mindfulness.

But I don’t think that’s actually what’s at the heart of these practices.

See, I think these practices are simply correcting for our tendency to live in extremes and they help us return to a state of balance.

The extreme I’m talking about in this case is – as I’ve heard Tara Brach refer to it – the “trance of thinking”.

It’s true that if we spend all of our time imagining the future or remembering the past, we miss our actual life. Because life only ever happens in the present moment.

And what a tragic thing to have so much wonder and beauty and connection and joy all right in front of us at any moment – and completely miss these experiences because we are lost in our thoughts.

So I am a BIG fan of meditation and mindfulness for this reason.

But, I can easily find myself sliding into a right/wrong perspective if I’m not careful.

Because so much focus is placed on returning to the present moment, when I notice that my mind has wandered, it’s tempting to feel like I’m failing or doing something wrong.

In these instances, my inner critic jumps at the chance to use this as evidence that I’m not that evolved or just not good enough with this basic yet very important skill.”

To my inner critic – and to yours, if you can relate – I present this article.

According to Dr. Sarah McKay, “the capacity to daydream may hold an evolutionary adaptive value that sets us apart from other animals and enables us to function successfully.”

She goes on to write, “It has been suggested that daydreaming facilitates creative problem solving, such as that “eureka” moment in the shower. Research on creativity has pointed to the importance of distractions during demanding tasks, to facilitate a creative period of incubation.

During these periods, we loosen our thought processes to find solutions to problems using previously unexplored options.

These findings suggest that we may have evolved to consider alternative perspectives, which confers a great deal of flexibility in our everyday lives.

Rather than actively engaging in certain behaviours, we can test our actions in advance by mentally envisaging their outcome and avoiding costly mistakes.

The default network is also active when we imagine what someone else may be thinking or feeling. This ability to appreciate the perspectives of others allows us to function successfully in the social world and to demonstrate empathy and understanding toward others.”

The context of her piece is around research showing that those with dementia lose the ability to not only remember the past but imagine the future and how that loss of function in the diseased brain is so problematic.

I have seen this firsthand over the past few years as my mother suffered and declined so profoundly due to Alzheimer’s Disease.

I have seen what this inability cost her and how limited she has become, how small her world has gotten. And this loss of brain function has destroyed the rich and vibrant life she once knew.

So when I read this article, and consider all I’ve witnessed alongside my mom, I’m reminded that the ability to mentally time travel and let our thoughts wander is a marvelous skill.

But it’s only marvelous if it’s kept in balance by the ability to also pay attention to the present moment.

It’s the balance of these two that we’re after.

And since our modern life easily takes us out of the present and into “the trance of thinking”, we benefit greatly from correcting for this extreme by practicing the skill of present moment attention.

So, the next time I catch myself lost in thought when meditating, rather than feeling like I’m somehow failing, I’ll remember that my brain is actually doing something remarkable and valuable. And that all I’m doing as I meditate is practicing a different and equally valuable skill so that I am strong in both realms and able to live life to the fullest.

Take that, inner critic.

I invite you to give your critic a similar one-two punch, if needed.

To feeding the good wolf in this way,

Ginny

P.S. If you are wondering “who the heck is Ginny?!” just click here for a quick bit of context. 🙂

My Zen practice teaches me that my life doesn’t exist someday, out there, elsewhere in the future. My life exists right here. Right now. In this moment.

That can be particularly underwhelming when the monotony of pandemic life has long since set in.

I’ll bet you can relate.

For a while now, there have been fewer places to go, fewer people to gather with and see, fewer things to do, and fewer adventures – travel and otherwise – to embark on.

Staying at home more means that any given day has the potential to look a whole lot like the previous day. And, as we’ve all discovered, that can become draining.

It’s tempting to fixate, then, on the “one day” in the future when we will be free to set out into the world with people (!!) doing things and going places. Oh the excitement that we will be bombarded by! It will be refreshing and exhilarating and wonderful!

Yes, very possibly. For a while. But then we will inevitably grow accustomed to that way of living and it will settle into being a less than thrilling normal.

That’s just the nature of things. It’s one of the reasons so many people find themselves living for “one day”, no matter the circumstances they find themselves in today.

So, this unarguably monotonous pandemic period is actually a really good practice field for developing the muscles that bring you into living fully in this moment, seeing and experiencing all of the wondrous and incredible aspects that exist right here.

How do you develop the ability to wake up out of the trance of monotony or living for the future to experience for yourself that in life, there are no ordinary moments and that the moment you’re in right now is full and wondrous?

That’s actually one of the modules that I teach in the Spiritual Habits Program. When I work with clients, we dive deeply into this idea, what it means in their life, and we assemble a set of Spiritual Habits to help them access the extraordinary nature of each “ordinary” moment.

Because we’re all facing these ongoing pandemic conditions, I thought I’d share with you one Spiritual Habit that can be helpful in reframing and unlocking the present moment.

The trigger or prompt for practicing this Spiritual Habit is when you find yourself bored by, on autopilot in or resisting some part of the daily routine you currently have in place.

When you notice this mindset, pause and ask yourself:

“What happens when I stop designating some moments as “special” and others as “ordinary”? What opens up in THIS moment?”

For me, very often what opens up is gratitude. I try and look at the present moment with fresh eyes as if I’ve never seen it before. With this “beginner’s mindset”, I inevitably discover something that I am grateful for that I otherwise took for granted or something that – when viewed with new eyes – is really amazing.

What if any given “ordinary” moment was actually one of those sought after “special” moments? (As many would argue, is actually the case.)

When you give this thought experiment a try, what opens up for you? Feel free to reply to this email and share it with me. I’m interested to hear about your experience.

If you’d like to dive deeper into this idea and learn how other Spiritual Habits can help you discover all that the present moment holds, all that’s “hidden” just below the surface where so many of us tend to live, click here.

In addition to learning more about working with me 1-on-1 in The Spiritual Habits Program, when you click here I also teach you another really powerful Spiritual Habit that will enable you to release three things that all unhappy people hold on to. It’s a bit of a game-changer teaching.

If you already know a bit about the program and would like to book a free, (absolutely no pressure!), 30-minute call with me to see if it might be a good fit for you, click here.

There’s no risk to you to hop on the phone with me for this discovery call and it would be lovely to chat with you.

Plus, it would give both of us something to look forward to. 🙂

Kidding aside, here’s to this moment, this life and all that it holds for us to discover,

Eric

Here’s an interesting thought experiment for you.

It only takes a minute but it can be really powerful.

It’s probably fair to say that resilience is a trait we would all count as valuable in life, right?

But what do you discover when you pause to consider the question, “why is it important to cultivate resilience”?

Now, what do you discover if you take your answer to that question and then ask yourself, “and why is that important?”

Repeat that step once more – based on your answer, ask yourself, “why is that important?”.

You can drill down like this several more times if needed. (This is a helpful tool.) Doing so can help you get to the heart of why resilience really matters to you.

For me, when I go through this exercise, I discover that cultivating resilience is important to me so that I can persevere through the inevitable difficulties to come and live to my potential, getting and giving all there is to contribute and experience in this wondrous life.

If I want to live long and fully, being able to bounce back from difficulty is essential.

We have all faced real difficulties – especially this year – so it’s a particularly relevant topic right now. That’s a big reason why I recently released a special episode on the topic.

One of the individuals I interviewed was the award-winning poet and previous guest of the show, Ellen Bass. Ellen is a self-admitted worrier and during our conversation, she shared the motto that she uses to cultivate resilience when worry about difficulty sets in.

Her motto is, “work more, worry less”.

In other words, in the midst of difficulty, when she starts to worry, she turns her focus towards finding things she can do to make the situation better.

She goes on to say that it’s important to make the action a small enough step that you’ll actually take it. She says, “if you can be creative enough, there’s always something you can do to take a step in the right direction. If we can just get that step small enough, I believe there isn’t anybody who can’t take a step.”

And I agree with her. When facing difficulties of any kind, action – no matter how small – can be a powerful antidote to suffering and worry.

Now, I’m not saying we should suppress our worry through busyness. I’m saying, if you’re going to fret, fret usefully. Fret forward. Ask yourself, “what can I do about this?” Take the worry you’re feeling and channel it into productive action.

Because any action step gives you a sense of agency and moves you out of a passive bystander point of view and into the driver’s seat of your life.

This idea connects to something we say often on the podcast: sometimes you can’t think your way into right action, you have to act your way into right thinking. Our actions (or lack thereof) have a powerful influence over our state of mind and mood.

This fundamental idea is what The One You Feed Stress Reducer is built on. (Incidentally, you can get access to this Stress Reducer tool when you book a free 30-minute intro call with me for The One You Feed Personal Transformation Program).

One step in the Stress Reducer exercise is centered around writing down all that is floating around in your mind and causing you stress, and then brainstorming one action step you can take for each of these items to improve the situation. Next, you spend a few minutes actually doing these things.

For example, if you’re stressed about bills, you might write down that you’ll get all your bills organized into one place. Or, if you’re upset that your child isn’t doing well in school, maybe you send an email to the guidance counselor and teacher to set up a meeting to come up with a solution. After the brainstorm, you set a timer and get as many of these items done as you can. These items are small steps that, when taken, yield a big benefit.

Helping people cultivate resilience and make progress towards addressing problems in their life that are keeping them stuck is something I do in The One You Feed Personal Transformation Program. When you’re stuck or not making the progress you’d like toward your goals, you’re putting off living your life fully.

If you’d like to talk about how I might help you cultivate resilience and make progress where you’ve otherwise felt stuck, book a free, no-pressure 30-minute call with me to talk about how I might go about helping you. As a bonus for booking this call, you’ll get access to The One You Feed Stress Reducer system.

When you work with a coach, you get a new perspective, you add skills or tools to your list of available resources, you bring on additional support and accountability, you learn how to break goals or obstacles down into really manageable bits, and you learn how to hack your behavior or environment so that it works for you. These can be simple keys to strengthening your resilience and unlocking forward motion in your life.

Maybe the action step you take today is to click here to learn more about this program or click here to book a free call with me.

I hope to talk with you soon.

Here’s to living life fully, with resilience and hope,

Eric

For years, I thought meditation just wasn’t for me because when I turned my attention to my breath, rather than feeling focused, I felt distracted. 

If the instructions were to “not control your breath”, I found myself controlling my breathing simply by paying attention to it. It also felt really difficult to keep my attention on the breath. My mind wandered almost halfway through an inhale so getting through even a full inhale/exhale cycle of my breath was challenging. I just felt like it wasn’t “working” for me.

Now, over 25 years of meditating later, I know there are many types and variations of meditation because different people will connect with different types. It’s not that meditation wasn’t for me – it was focusing on my breath that I found distracting and difficult.

Most meditations have what’s called an “anchor” as the point of focus for your attention. When the mind wanders off into thought, you simply bring your attention back to your anchor. It’s a way to steady the mind, build your ability to hold your attention on a point of focus, and it helps simplify the input coming into your awareness. It’s a way to experience some stillness inside.

What I’ve found is that some anchors are “stickier” than others. What I mean is that some anchors hold my attention better than others. As it turns out, breath is not a very sticky anchor for me. Listening to the sounds in my environment, on the other hand, tends to be a pretty sticky anchor for me. I tend to be able to stay with sounds as the focus of my attention for longer periods of time than my breath. 

When working with other people to help them develop a meditation practice, I’ve found this “sticky” factor to play a big role as well. 

So, here are a couple of ideas for other anchors that you can try to see if they are stickier for your attention than, say, the breath.

First, try listening to a piece of music. Instrumental music works really well for this one. Pick an instrument to follow as the piece plays on. That instrument is your anchor, and you can meditate by intentionally placing your attention on it.

Second, you can try a body scan meditation. But, if you’re like me, sometimes it’s difficult to detect many sensations in your body when just sitting. So, instead, try doing the body scan meditation while in the shower. This works really well because there is a lot of sensory input with the water hitting your skin. Let these sensations be your anchor and spend a few minutes meditating on that. 

If you’re interested in learning about some more different types of meditation, I put together a guide called “12 Different Types of Meditation (And How To Know Which Is Right For You)”.  

You can get access to it by booking a free 30-minute call with me to talk about the 1-on-1 Spiritual Habits Program. I give you the guide for free just for booking the call. 

To learn more about the 1-on-1 Spiritual Habits Program, click here.

If you know a bit about the program and are interested in seeing if it’s right for you, click here to book a free 30-minute (no pressure whatsoever) call with me to find out. 

I hope these tips are helpful and I hope to talk with you soon.

Wishing you well,

Eric

There’s a question I’ve been asking lately – I wonder how you would answer it?

I’ve been asking it informally and periodically to others in conversation, and it’s something I’ve been reflecting on myself.

The question is: How do you define the word “spiritual”?

At first glance, the answer might seem obvious, or one might wonder why answering it is important.

But, if you spend another minute with the inquiry, what do you discover?

You might discover that there are as many answers to this question as there are people in the world. You might discover that your first response isn’t your final response – it can be a thought-provoking question. You could discover that your definition is a fluid one, changing as you change.

You might also discover that if we don’t have a clear definition for the word “spiritual”, how can we really identify it’s presence (or lack thereof) in our lives? Also, how can we intentionally cultivate it to have more of it or put it into practice so that it’s brought to life through our actions and we thereby experience the much talked about deep gifts of spirituality?

I asked my partner, Ginny, this question. After some reflection, she gave this answer:

“That which simultaneously draws me deeper into myself while also connecting me with that which is expansive and greater than myself.”

I spoke with one of our long time patrons of The One You Feed recently, and he said that he heard the spiritual teacher, Jonathan Foust, define spirituality as this:

“Keen insight into the nature of reality.”

My definition actually is a bit of a combination of Ginny’s and Jonathan’s:

A way of being and seeing that connects me more deeply to life itself and all of its forms.

What is your definition of the word? 

Regardless of how you define it, I bet we’d agree that it’s something we could use more of in our lives.

And, I bet we’d also agree that spirituality which is not practiced and lived out is not very valuable.

That idea is at the root of the Spiritual Habits Program.

When I work 1-on-1 with people, we dive into 6 core principles that nourish our spirituality, and our focus is on applying these principles to the moments of our daily lives by practicing certain Spiritual Habits.

This program combines the science of behavior change with the wisdom of spiritual principles so that the idea of spirituality transforms into practical, actionable, and transformational daily habits.

If you’re interested in learning more about The Spiritual Habits Program, click here.

If you know a bit about the program and would like to book a free, 30 minute (absolutely no pressure) exploratory call with me to see how Spiritual Habits might apply to your life, click here.

I hope I get to talk with you soon,

Eric