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Eric's New Book!

Podcast Episode

How to Live Fully in an Uncertain World | Sarah Wilson

August 4, 2026 Leave a Comment

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In this episode, Sarah Wilson explores how to live fully in an uncertain world by asking one of life’s most important questions: Who do you want to be when everything around you feels unstable? Drawing on philosophy, psychology, history, and her new book, I Eat the Stars: How ot Live Fully and Beautifully in a Collapsing World, Sarah shares why facing difficult truths doesn’t have to lead to despair—and how accepting uncertainty can actually bring greater clarity, meaning, and aliveness. Together, she and Eric discuss resilience, hope, community, and what it means to become an “island of sanity” in challenging times.

A Weekly Bite of Wisdom: Want to go deeper with the ideas we explore on The One You Feed? Every Wednesday, Eric shares a short, practical email that turns insights about mental health, relationships, purpose, habits, and personal growth into simple practices you can use right away. You’ll also receive our Weekend Podcast Playlist featuring a recap of the week’s episodes. It’s free, takes about a minute to read, and is enjoyed by thousands of readers each week. Sign up at oneyoufeed.net/newsletter.


Key Takeaways:

  • Why uncertainty can become a source of meaning rather than fear.
  • The difference between false hope and a deeper, more resilient hope.
  • How facing difficult truths can reduce anxiety and inner conflict.
  • Why asking “Who do I want to be?” matters more than trying to control the future.
  • The power of becoming an “island of sanity” for yourself and others.
  • How community, service, and caring for others help us navigate difficult times.
  • Why humans are more resilient than we often believe.
  • What history and ancient wisdom can teach us about flourishing during periods of upheaval.

Sarah Wilson is a multi-New York Times bestselling author, journalist, social philosopher, international keynote speaker and philanthropist. Sarah leads dynamic, global conversations about modern philosophy, creativity, existential risk, and climate change via her keynote speaking, Wild podcast, and her Substack and social communities. She lives nomadically, but is based between Paris and Sydney, and is a compulsive hiker and adventurer.

Connect with Sarah Wilson: Website | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter

If you enjoyed this conversation with Sarah Wilson, check out these other episodes:

How to Find Peace and Balance in Managing Anxiety with Sarah Wilson
Embracing Uncertainty: The Key to True Intimacy and Connection in a Chaotic World with Prince EA

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Episode Transcript:

Sarah Wilson 00:00:00  Great moments of human flourishing have emerged from dark times. Art movements, poetry, scientific advances. The Axial Age, which was a dark, liminal time that went for several thousand years, produced Buddhism, Judaism. It produced incredible ideas. And so that’s another thing to bear in mind with all of this. We are actually built for difficult times.

Chris Forbes 00:00:33  Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have. Quotes like garbage in, garbage out or you are what you think ring true. And yet, for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking. Our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:18  There’s a question that I put at the very front of my book. Not only what is it I want to do, but who do I want to be? Sarah Wilson arrives at that same question from a different direction. Looking at a world she believes is coming apart, she asks who she wants to be inside of it, and her answer is what she calls an island of sanity. Someone who has faced the hard facts and chosen to stay steady so the people around her have somewhere to turn. Sarah’s new book is I Eat the Stars How to Live Fully and Beautifully in a Collapsing World. I’m Eric Zimmer, and this is the one you feed. Hi, Sarah. Welcome back to the show.

Sarah Wilson 00:02:01  It is great to be back. I’ve lost all track of time as to how long ago it was that we last spoke.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:08  I have to. It’s been a while.

Sarah Wilson 00:02:11  So a couple of years. A couple of years?

Eric Zimmer 00:02:13  Yeah, at least a couple of years. Yep. We’re going to be discussing your latest book, which is called I Eat the Stars How to Live Fully and Beautifully in a Collapsing World.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:26  But before we get into that, we’ll start like we always do with the parable. And in the parable, there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops and they think about it for a second. They look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in your work.

Sarah Wilson 00:03:11  It means pretty much everything to me, because I have created a life where I feed what I believe is the only thing that we should be doing now, which is working to shift humanity to where it needs to go next. So I guess I see a lot of things through that lens, and a lot of my decisions are made through that lens.

Sarah Wilson 00:03:33  But I’m very mindful at the same time. And this is kind of the balancing point of the book I’ve just published is that while I’m talking about pretty heavy stuff going on at the same time, I’ve actually got to ensure that I live my message, which is to live fully and beautifully, per the subtitle In a Collapsing World. And that’s the message I try to feed with everything that I do and all the choices that I make.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:55  So let’s start with the collapse part of your book, and I want to start with a concept that you discussed, which is that thinking about and discussing collapse is not for everyone. So you could consider this the pre warning to this episode that we may discuss a lot of disturbing different things that are happening in the world, but I want to talk about why this isn’t for everyone.

Sarah Wilson 00:04:25  Yes, because it’s heavy information. I kicked the book off with this idea that we’ve got to let go of, you know, what has been termed opium, this addiction to hope, this idea that everything’s going to turn out, that someone magically is going to come and fix our scenario.

Sarah Wilson 00:04:40  We are at a juncture in history where that is no longer possible. And when we say things are going to turn out, we’re talking really about things going back to the way they were. That somehow if we can green economy our way out of this, you know, we’ve unfortunately gone beyond that. And so that involves facing a pretty radical truth. And it involves putting our big person pants on our big girl, our big boy pants on, and not everybody psychologically ready for that. Some people are caught up in their own trauma. Some people are very caught up in raising children and just trying to get through a day. And I very much believe that we have to arrive at this kind of awakening if we can use that word ourselves when we’re ready, when we’re psychologically, physically and so on, viscerally ready for it. It’s not like the climate crisis. The climate crisis really involved everybody making the big switch to a more green economy all at once. You know, as a climate activist, we’re all trying to get our neighbors to recycle and switch to solar panels and switch out their car for an EV and all of this kind of thing, and we could only make it if we all did it at once.

Sarah Wilson 00:05:54  Where we’re at now, we are no longer in a problem that has a fix. We’re in a predicament that requires an adult response, and we can’t bludgeon people over the head with this messaging. People have got to come to it themselves. And so at the beginning of the book, I framed things with with that very kind of point and say, you know, give the first three chapters a go and see how you feel like I really do want this to be an invitation rather than a draconian, you know, sort of edict, because it’s just not going to work otherwise.

Eric Zimmer 00:06:27  So consider this listener your opportunity to take the off ramp. If you don’t want to talk about exactly what people call the meta crisis, the poly crisis, the anything so off ramps available if you want, I guess you know that you’re an adult. You can turn off a podcast anytime you want. You don’t need my permission, however. Okay. Now we’re going to get into it.

Sarah Wilson 00:06:48  Yeah, because I’m going to frame that.

Sarah Wilson 00:06:50  Just add a little bit to that. For anyone who’s just sort of, you know, wondering if they should take the off ramp. Is that at the beginning of the book, I also, you know, I also say me personally realizing what’s going on, coming to this situation with my eyes fully open has actually been one of the most what’s been the most enlivening thing I’ve ever gone through. And, you know, I’ve just returned to Australia, my home country, where I’ve been promoting my book and friends and family have said to me, you seem happier than you’ve ever been, and it is because I have a full understanding of what’s going on now, and I’m living fully and beautifully as a result of that. So if you’re thinking of getting off the off ramp for this conversation, maybe stay a little longer to hear a bit more about that.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:34  Yeah. How terrible of a marketer am I actually like, okay folks, it’s time to turn on this podcast off. Yep. Okay. Well, I don’t think it’s a surprise to anybody that marketing is maybe not my strongest strength.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:48  Okay. Talk to me about how you parse that. What’s the hope that you’ve felt like you’ve had to let go of? And what’s the hope that remains for you?

Sarah Wilson 00:07:59  Well, as I say, it’s this hope that particularly as a climate activist, we clung to, it’s the hope that we could somehow get through this, that we would make it. You know, and I really had to pull that apart at one point a couple of years ago, as I was embarking on this book, as things were starting to get agitated in my been that’s generally what sets me off on writing a book. I get an itchy sense that something’s not right, and what wasn’t right was this idea. Well, what was the answer to what is it that we actually think turning out is going to look like? Well, if this idea that we can go back to business as usual, which is in a neoliberal global society or post-industrial society that we live in, is consuming and consuming and adhering to this mythology of infinite growth on finite planet.

Sarah Wilson 00:08:48  Its run, its course. It was never meant to be able to run a full course, because it’s actually an insane logic. It never stacked up, and so there’s no going back. And so that’s the hope that I realized I had to let go of, you know, as a climate activist, that’s what we had to promise. That was the carrot that dangled. It was no longer there. We are not going to halve emissions by 2030, nor get to zero emissions by 2050. On current projections, we’ve already gone past that 1.5°C temperature above pre-industrial levels that we were meant to stay under. That sort of, you know, came and went last year and we have surpassed seven of the nine planetary boundaries. And, you know, it’s really not looking good. And then I started to look at more of the systems beyond the climate system. And that’s when I started to realize We’re in a very different realm here. This is not just about climate change. This is complex systems collapse. And so therefore, talking about the hope that we can return to business as usual the way things were is absolutely ridiculous.

Sarah Wilson 00:09:58  So as you say, it’s not that I let go of all hope. I remain hopeful about a whole range of things that humans are capable of going through the reckoning that’s ahead. Yes, I’m absolutely hopeful about that, that we might actually be on to something that we’ve ached for for a very long time. So this letting go of the post-industrial society might actually be something that we’re craving. Yeah, I’m hopeful of that. So there’s a whole range of other things I’m hopeful for. But that hope that dangled, I really needed to get rid of that to be able to go on this journey. So that’s sort of what opens the book.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:32  In the book, you talk about despair, you talk about grief, you talk about a lot of the reactions we might have if we see that indeed all these complex systems are collapsing. But you didn’t talk as much to what I mainly feel, which is scared.

Sarah Wilson 00:10:53  I guess. Interesting. Yeah, you’re probably right there. I almost take it as a given that we’re scared and.

Sarah Wilson 00:11:00  And what are we going to do? You know, like, this is scary stuff. I mean, I think I’d really talk more about, like, I describe it as unholy. You know, I describe it as disgraceful. I describe it as so overwhelming. The biggest thing that humanity has had to go through. It’s almost like being scared, a take as a given. And there’s other stuff that’s going on. The grief, there’s grief that I think we’re all feeling. We’re grieving the fact that, you know, the old normal is dying. We’re grieving the sense of safety and this idea that we were going to keep kind of moving forward into more and more comfort, more and more ease. There’s also a lot of shame. I think we’re feeling very much ashamed that we’ve got ourselves into this predicament with our human greed and selfishness and overloading over nature, and it is absolutely frightening. It is absolutely frightening. I guess I probably cover it off pretty early, don’t I? With that chapter, which is enticingly titled death, you know, and it’s a chapter in which I actually talk, you know, straight to the point.

Sarah Wilson 00:12:07  We actually need to face death. And we’ve got to look at what death we’re we’re looking at. Are we looking at the death of ourselves in this mix? Well, most people listening to a podcast, you know, you’ve got technology to listen to a podcast. I don’t think they’re going to be burnt to a crisp or inundated in a flood, you know, and arrive at their death anytime soon. That’s not what we’re talking about. Are we talking about the imminent death of humanity? So, you know, in the next couple of hundred years, possibly. That’s certainly on the cards, the real death that we’re talking about is the death of the system. And so I get that out of the way straight away and say, let’s be really frank about this. We’re talking about the death of a complex system of complex systems that actually has made up a global civilization, that global civilization is the post-industrial civilization that we find ourselves in that is going down. And as you know, I interviewed over 200 experts, many of whom are modelers in this space.

Sarah Wilson 00:13:06  So their economic modelers, their energy futurists and, you know, population modeling experts. And really, we are, as I say, in a predicament. We’re not in a problem that can be fixed. We’re in a predicament that is happening, and it’s just a matter of the speed at which it happens now. So when we face that and, you know, philosophers and spiritualists throughout the ages have talked about this phenomenon. When we face our death or death in general as a concept, there’s this incredible paradox that comes about. We actually go into a space where we fully feel into our aliveness and we actually live fully, Montagnier wrote. To live fully, we need to face our own death, you know? To die well is to live well. This is something that’s not new to, you know, to our humanity. But we are. So the last couple of generations, all of the spiritualists and philosophers that would teach this kind of thinking, they’ve disappeared. Neoliberalism got rid of the institutions that would guide us through these kinds of realities and into the light on the other side, in the main.

Sarah Wilson 00:14:12  That’s why I wrote this book, because I wanted to draw on some of those wisdoms and philosophies and spiritual ideas from our past that have guided us through these dark and liminal times. So, yes, the truth is dark. However, there’s light that comes on the other side. So yes, it’s scary. However, when we face it, there is so much more on the other side. So that’s what I guide readers into.

Eric Zimmer 00:14:56  When you say that you have given up certain types of hope, what you said has replaced it is truth. What can truth give us? You know my thought when I hear that the phrase that popped into my head is, you know, brutal honesty in certain cases, which sometimes you’re like, well, no, thank you, I don’t need that from you. But in general, you are talking about truth. So let’s move into truth for a moment.

Sarah Wilson 00:15:22  Yeah. Well, one of the things that it does is it actually resolves a cognitive dissonance that I think is actually widespread in our culture.

Sarah Wilson 00:15:32  And, you know, to go back to that hope point when we’re being told that planetary boundaries have been surpassed. You know, things are falling apart. The amok is about to collapse and so on. And then at the end of the article, the article that we read about your newspaper, you know, some climate scientist or expert says, oh, but we can still make it if we all rally together. Now, if we do something about it now and we activate. And this has been going on for years, we’ve been told that, you know, there’s these deadlines and, you know, we’ve only got a few years to really turn things around. And then ten years pass and we’re like, hang on. And I actually think that we’ve been walking around, the majority of us have been walking around with this cognitive dissonance where two ideas are not matching up. Psychologists show that kind of dissonance is incredibly crazy. Making it causes all kinds of anxiety, but it also creates a way of being that it’s really hard to maintain.

Sarah Wilson 00:16:23  And so when we actually do face the truth, when we line up those two dissonant ideas, or we get them in congruence, It creates a cognitive pattern in the head that is called congruent psychological congruence that makes us feel like we belong somewhere. You know, when things make sense, we can actually make far better decisions. We go into a paralysis when they don’t make sense. So that’s a really big part of this. And for ages, you know, climate activists, myself included, we felt that we had to keep giving people hope. Otherwise they would descend into inaction. Well, a bigger cause of inaction is cognitive dissonance. So you clear that up and it’s really interesting. You probably read this in the book. I wrote this book as a serialization on Substack to start with 65,000 subscribers who joined me on the journey. So as I wrote it, I got feedback, and I was able to respond to people’s response to feelings and emotions and cognitive feedback, and I was able to then work out where to head next.

Sarah Wilson 00:17:27  Now, when I started writing about all of this, the stuff we’ve been talking about so far in this chat, the overwhelming response from the readers was one of relief because people were saying, okay, this now makes sense. Now I know what kind of emotional response I can choose. Now I know how to work through the complex feelings that I have in my being. So that is the main benefit of facing the truth. And I then move on to explain a whole range of ideas, from game theory to breaking apart what complex systems actually look like and how they are resolved, and how we can be in them, and how emergence in and out of a problematic complex systems can occur. So when we have full understanding, we can make different types of decisions and we have more agency. So that’s the I think that’s the primary reason. And I think we’re aching for truth because we’re walking around in this weird befuddled fug, you know, we do not know which way to turn and leadership is missing.

Sarah Wilson 00:18:25  You know, of course, what that does is it leads to a collapse in truth, which leads to a collapse in democracy, which leads to an uprising in fascist tendencies, you know, and so on and so forth.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:37  That cognitive dissonance makes a lot of sense, because it’s a fair amount of effort for me to see all the different things that you’re talking about, and we’re going to go into that in a bit more in a minute, and then also keep telling myself it’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. Right. There is a cognitive dissonance there now. I believe it’s going to be okay, but in a radically different way than this is going to figure itself out in life. It’s going to go on looking like it looked right. Yeah. Realizing that there is a certain freedom. And I think you talk about denial in the book, and denial is largely always problematic ultimately. Right. Yeah. You know, it’s it’s almost it may be short term useful, but long term it’s powerful, isn’t it?

Sarah Wilson 00:19:25  There’s an evolutionary need for denial.

Sarah Wilson 00:19:27  And I actually cover this off in the book because I think some people are going crazy looking at their friends, their family, their husbands, who are just denying what’s going on. And I point out to people once again, because if you get the understanding, you can then make clearer types of decisions, truer and more important types of decisions. Denial has served an evolutionary purpose. When we are walking around aware that we could die at any moment, which is in fact a truth at any point in time, we are the only species.

Eric Zimmer 00:19:57  Which is.

Sarah Wilson 00:19:58  Exactly.

Eric Zimmer 00:19:58  What it calls it.

Sarah Wilson 00:19:59  Yep, that’s exactly it. And Camus and the existentialists tried to resolve this back in a similar time to our own, a liminal time between sort of an old world dying and new world yet to be born. You know, this is back in the 20s and 30s and 40s. There’s this sort of absurd situation that we find ourselves where we’re the only species aware of the fact that we will die one day. Other animals, when they’re presented with a threat, we’ll have this sense that they could die, but they don’t walk around just ruminating on the fact that, you know it is going to happen.

Sarah Wilson 00:20:30  Inevitably we do. And yet, you know, we then have to find a way to live our lives with that kind of fear hanging over us. And so, to a certain extent, we do need that cognitive process of denial to ensure that we still manage to get around having children and then feeding them. So there is a purpose to it. But when we actually live our entire lives based on this and we don’t move beyond it, yes, it’s problematic because we don’t defend ourselves properly and look at us, we get we fail to defend our planet and our species.

Eric Zimmer 00:21:02  Check in for a moment. Is your jaw tight? Breath shallow? Are your shoulders creeping up? Those little signals are invitations to slow down and listen. Every Wednesday I send weekly bites of wisdom, a short email that turns the big ideas we explore here in each show. Things like mental health, anxiety, relationships, purpose into bite size practices you can use the same day it’s free. It takes about a minute to read and thousands already swear by it.

Eric Zimmer 00:21:35  If you’d like extra fuel for the weekend, you also get a weekend podcast playlist. Join us at one you feed. That’s one you feed. Net newsletter and start receiving your next bite of wisdom. All right. Back to the show. There’s two types of truth you talk about in this chapter that I would love to just touch on real quick. The first is Vaclav Havel s true hope. Tell me about that.

Sarah Wilson 00:22:07  Yeah, he was the president of Czechoslovakia and a dissident in the end. And he wrote about how true hope. Isn’t this the belief that something will work out. It is the belief that something makes sense no matter how it works out. And I think that’s actually a really wonderful way to look at what true hope is. You know, it speaks to all that dissonant stuff and this idea of things stacking up in a congruent way that then enables us to make the decisions we need to make to get on with our lives.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:42  Then there’s Jonathan Lear’s Radical hope, which is something like moving through unbearable loss with no rational justification, only the hunch that we are on to something important about being human.

Sarah Wilson 00:22:56  Yeah, and that’s definitely where I think we’re at as a species. I think when we look around the world and we look at what’s happening with AI and the way that it’s able to race ahead without anyone capable of controlling it and putting boundaries on it and being able to have a moral discussion around it. When we look at what’s happening in the Middle East, when we look at what’s happening with the Trump administration and the insane decisions that get to be made, when we pull back and observe that what’s happening in much of the world now is fascism 2.0. We now live in a world where only 7% of the global population lives. In a democracy, a liberal democracy, I should say. And 72% of the world lives in an authoritarian regime. So how do we get there? And I do think that a lot of us are looking at it going, okay, there is something happening. There is something happening here. And to give away the ending of the book, what I say is happening is we’re going through a homecoming of sorts.

Sarah Wilson 00:24:03  We’ve got so far off piste, we’ve got so far removed from what it really, truly means to be human. And we miss it. We have a heartache for our humanity. And so I feel that one way of looking at collapse, we can call it a simplification. So we’ve gone through this complexity. And I should remind, you know, anyone listening who’s not aware of this sort of history is that every complex society has collapsed. So the Roman Empire, the Mayan empire, the Jin dynasty, every single one of them throughout history has collapsed precisely because of its complexity. So there’s this building up. There’s this complex affine. It becomes more and more sophisticated. It expands. There’s more cities that require more armies, require more horses, which require the farmers to produce more crops to pay the taxes for all of this and it complexities, complexities and complexities. And it gets to a point where all the fat of that civilization is going into keeping the complexity and going, that it only takes a small drought or a small incursion from a neighbor for the whole thing to tip, because there’s nothing left to to attend to the crisis, this relatively minor crisis.

Sarah Wilson 00:25:16  And so that’s that is what happens. And I think we get a sense that we’re at a similar juncture. And one way, as I say, of seeing complex systems collapse, we can see it as a unraveling of all the sort of upward trajectory of complexity. And when it goes back down the other side, what it essentially is a simplification, it’s a going back towards it’s a homecoming. This is the other way that we can view what we’re going through. You know, when I talked about this with the Substack subscriber community, we start up a conversation of all the things about post-industrial society. We will not miss that we will be happy to see collapse, to unravel. And we were talking about things like the LinkedIn version of ourselves, you know, golf courses, unboxing videos, the mad race to work, two jobs to send our kids to private schools. You know, when we live in an era where we can’t even promise that there’s going to be jobs for our kids when they get out of school, because, you know, AI is apparently going to take 50% of entry level jobs in the next year or so.

Sarah Wilson 00:26:21  So this idea of unraveling and simplifying, you know, it really is like a homecoming. And so I think that’s what Jonathan Lear is, is really speaking to that. We’re on to something about being human. That is true hope. You know, and I think it’s palpable. I think a lot of people are feeling that.

Eric Zimmer 00:27:04  So I want to spend just another minute or two on collapse and then move into really the being human part of all this. What that means, what we can do. I’m going to read one thing you wrote. I think that’s going to paint a fairly clear picture of what happens in the late stages of collapsing societies frivolity, aestheticism, hedonism, cynicism, pessimism, narcissism, consumerism, materialism, nihilism, fatalism, fanatics, and other negative behaviors and attitudes suffused the population. Politics is increasingly corrupt, life increasingly unjust. A cabal of insiders accrues wealth and power at the expense of the citizens, fostering a fatal opposition of interest between the haves and have nots. The majority lives for bread and circuses.

Eric Zimmer 00:27:56  They worship celebrities, shirk duties, but insist on entitlements. I mean, there’s an awful lot of that. That sounds very familiar. Only startlingly familiar. Yes.

Sarah Wilson 00:28:09  So I believe that was in the 1920s or 1930s. Glubb, who wrote that he was describing previous civilizations, the sixth stage that happens just before a civilization collapses. And so you can sort of hear the references to the Roman Empire, the bread and the circus is that kind of thing. Yeah, but you’re right. That is us right now, you know, and the stage is beforehand. The stage before is the age of intellect. So this idea of intellectual infighting, tuning and throwing on academic points, that kind of thing, and then it descends into this, this sixth stage, which is the age of decadence. And you can see how an age of decadence can tip over into chaos because people are so distracted. I write a lot about that in the book. Distraction and chaos is a tactic. It’s a tactic that takes us into a space of an age of decadence, where we’re really just not paying attention, and it enables bad faith operators.

Sarah Wilson 00:29:07  So fascists to come in to the vacuum that is being created and to take over Steve Bannon, who’s, you know, an advisor to the Trump administration, he said, flood the zone with shit. That’s how we’re going to do things. So just flood the zone with the bread and circuses, the distraction, the false information, the line, the absurdities. People will be so engrossed in that then also trying to distract themselves from it with frivolity and avoidance techniques that they will not see when things really start to go down and the elites and the privileged come in and sweep up the bounty. So yeah, history repeats itself, and a big part of why I wrote the book is so that I can call to attention what is actually being repeated, so that we can learn the lessons from the past.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:57  You talk about Moloch, you say it’s an invisible force that arises in competitive scenarios that sees us Give away or destroy what we hold dear in exchange for a short term gain that ultimately will leave us all categorically fucked.

Sarah Wilson 00:30:14  Yeah. Yeah, it’s actually comes from a Hebrew god that demanded the sacrifice of a child in exchange for a win on the battlefield, right? Which is a lose lose scenario because presumably you’re fighting wars to save children, to give children an opportunity at life. And yet you’ve got to sacrifice a child to get that. And look, the best way for me to describe how Molech works and extrapolates out to so much of what’s happening in our lives. Imagine you’re at a concert, and the person in the first row stands up because they want to get ahead of you, and then you know the people behind that person in rows two, three, and four need to stand up. Rows five, six, and seven have to do the same. Before you know it, the entire concert hall is standing for the entire concert. Now, if you’re in row 27 and you decide to sit down because you realize this is ridiculous, I want to sit. You know, it’s going to be far more comfortable sitting than you lose.

Sarah Wilson 00:31:09  But if nobody sits down, everybody loses. Now, that is exactly what is happening to you, to contemporary life. So you can take the nuclear arms race. You can take the AI race. You know, you often hear Sam Altman and so on saying, oh, listen, we can’t stop this mad race to create a technology that, in good probability, will kill humanity. We can’t stop because if we stop, well, the Russians and the Chinese will win, you know? So everybody stay stuck into this mad sort of race to the bottom, this zero sum scenario. And another example is beauty filters on social media. Once one person starts using it, everybody feels they’ve got to use it and everybody loses because you know, the beauty expectation shifts. There’s just example after example. And a civilization can fall into these. These kind of molecule death spirals when there’s fragmentation. Because what actually can get you out of a molecule, you know, sort of death spiral is when you can communicate.

Sarah Wilson 00:32:16  Because if somebody stood up at the front of the concert hall and went, hey, everyone, this is not working out, let’s all agree to sit. Right? So cooperation and communication can get around monarch. But we live in a fragmented society where social media and other technologies are separating us further. And there are so many reasons for why we are not able to communicate and collaborate anymore. And so it’s making this malarkey situation even worse. And so that’s a really big part of the complex systems collapse scenario that we’re in. And once we know that one of the things that it does is it enables us to actually take the foot off the blame pedal. It makes us realize that, you know what? No one’s to blame, and yet everyone’s to blame. We’re in a systemic scenario. This is a systems problem. And so a really big part of what I tried to do in the book is to get people aware of this so that we can actually have more compassion for each other, and we can start once again to solve some of these situations.

Sarah Wilson 00:33:17  And she’s better paths through it.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:20  Yeah, I really loved that because I think it is so true in all the ways you said. I mean, I feel it in just in the work that I do. I’m not really interested in short form content that is inflammatory and grabs people’s attention and overstates things, but that’s what tends to win. Yeah. I mean, I guess I’m lucky that I don’t fully buy into it, but I am losing to a certain degree because of that factor. But ultimately, to your point, everybody is losing because I think if we talk to a lot of people who are, I don’t know, I don’t love this word, but who are creators of different sorts? There’s a very collective feeling of wanting to step away from constantly having to document our lives and put down every thought and to do that, but nobody feels they can.

Sarah Wilson 00:34:17  That’s exactly right. And so we’re in this sort of race to the bottom, and it’s crazy making. It’s absolutely crazy making. And we didn’t have as many malarkey scenarios in the past because we did have these sort of social and moral checks and balances that would keep us from falling into those traps, you know? We had community.

Sarah Wilson 00:34:39  We are a very selfish species, and we’re incredible at cooperating. That is essentially what saw us. And I hate this phrase, rise to the top of the food chain. You know, we don’t run particularly fast. We don’t have fangs. We don’t have a sting in our tail. What we do have as a species is an ability to cooperate and communicate and collaborate and create mythologies and sort of, you know, get together and on mass solve our issues. Now that’s, you know, what we’ve needed to ensure that we’ve we’re able to do that is we’ve had structures like churches and the scouts. And, you know, we were smart enough to set up structures that would ensure we didn’t get too selfish and that we did communicate and collaborate and come together as a species. Neoliberalism got rid of all of those things. Neoliberalism told us, no, we don’t need those structures. We don’t need community. You know, there’s no such thing as society. As Thatcher said, we are on our own and we’ve got to go hard out there getting what we need, fighting, competing against our neighbors to get ahead, et cetera, etc. and so that’s a really big part of why we are in this predicament.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:48  So now let’s pivot to how do we live well in this because let’s talk about you in your own life. Your last book was very much a climate activist book. It was getting out there and doing things to try and prevent a sort of collapse. You’ve now kind of gone on to say, well, I don’t know. That’s I don’t know that a lot of that is preventable. So let’s just take something like climate activism. I assume that what you have not done is go, oh, who cares, and move on. So how do you engage if you know that it’s a little bit of a losing battle?

Sarah Wilson 00:36:26  You’re asking, what do I tell climate activists?

Eric Zimmer 00:36:29  What do you tell yourself, given that you realize, like, hey, the climate is past the things we thought it was going to be, these little things that I thought, you know, recycling would do aren’t going to fix it. It’s a problem. I know you’re not the sort of person. It’s like, oh, f it, right.

Sarah Wilson 00:36:44  Well, it’s really interesting. Nora Bateson, who’s a systems thinker, she often gets asked this question and her response to that is it’s almost the wrong question. What we really need to be asking ourselves is, who do I want to be in this moment? That’s where I’ve arrived in all of this. We are in this, you know, and there’s no point trying to sugarcoat or pretend there are solutions that are not there. And so what it actually demands of us is a stepping up into a full fledged adulthood. Toby Ord, who works out at the Existential Risk Center at the University of Cambridge. He’s actually another Australian, and he does a lot of work in sort of the risk that particularly AI presents to humanity. And a lot of work in the probability of complete wipe out by the end of this century. He did some work, and he actually tracked the sort of the average life of a mammalian species like the human species. It should be around about a million years now at 300,000 odd years into this, We track if we live to 80 or so.

Sarah Wilson 00:37:52  We track as a 16 year old in the development of our species and that kind of tracks for me. You know, he sort of makes the point. We are, in fact, behaving like teenagers, where we’ve kind of mucked things up, we’ve made a bit of a mess of things. We galloped ahead of our capacity to keep things in check, and now we’re turning around and we’d like someone to come and solve things for us. We’d like there to be an easy solution. Well, unfortunately we are now stepping into adulthood, right? We’re at that juncture. We’re at that critical sort of flipping point where we are moving into a new stage of our development, and that requires not thinking that things are just going to turn out, not thinking that we can fix things when they can’t. We basically saw the stop sign we failed to break, and now we’ve hit it, right? We’ve hit the stop sign and we’ve got to accept this. I mean, this is the harsh reality. And so there’s a reckoning that we have to go through now in terms of the climate work that I’ve been doing for 2 to 3 decades now.

Sarah Wilson 00:39:02  I’m no less of a climate activist because every degree or percentage of a degree of warming that we can prevent is going to make a difference. It’ll slow down what we’re going through. It’ll probably save a whole bunch of other species and enable us to adjust and morph into the next world. That is going to have to come after this old world collapses. What it also does. And this is so important, and this is what I say all throughout the book, is that in some ways, I mean, nobody knows where this is going to hit anybody who tries to tell you that we’ve got two years before this happens and five years before this happens. Don’t believe them, because the entire point of all of this is the abject uncertainty. It is the discomfort of not knowing. Okay. And so what I say in the book and many times over, is that no matter what happens, the opportunity that presents itself is for us as a species, not to lose our shit because that is the ultimate threat to us.

Sarah Wilson 00:40:02  It’s not, as I say, been burnt to a crisp by a wildfire, although that could happen, and it does depend on where in the world you live as to how collapse will affect you. But the ultimate threat is mass civil unrest. It is humanity turning in on itself. It is humanity eating itself that is the ultimate threat that we make, that we face. So anything that we can do in terms of preventing, you know, super fast climate collapse will do us a favor. It will enable us not to lose our shit so fast. I invite everyone, readers, listeners, to become what Meg Wheatley calls an island of sanity. As we go through this transition, we’re going to need people who have faced the facts, are aware of what is ahead. Have asked themselves of the question, who do I want to be for this moment? And they’ve decided that, well, I’ve got a responsibility to calm my nervous system, to basically be a person that is an island of sanity, so that when others start to wake up to all of this and they start to go, oh my goodness, they’ve got somewhere to go to talk about this kind of thing.

Sarah Wilson 00:41:12  And I don’t know, pull on their big girl or big boy pants. So yeah, I’ve reframed those kinds of questions now. Having said that, once we start to go through this reckoning, there’s an incredible, as I said from the outset, aliveness that comes about. And, you know, I really do feel that it’s because we are doing the thing we feel we’re meant to be doing. We are going back to that, that homecoming, being of service to others, because that’s who we are as a species. For example, AI, the threat of AI taking our jobs and threatening us, you know, as a species, it actually does this incredibly strange thing. What it does is it forces us to confront what it means to be human. Because if AI can take our jobs and it can take our sense of what a relationship is, and it can take all these other things, what is left? What can it not take? What do we have a very deep sense, a visceral sense that it cannot take, that it will never be able to be? And really, the answer to that question is invariably going to be all the things that make us truly human, that we need to be preserving.

Sarah Wilson 00:42:23  So love, entanglement, art, creating art, having children. They are all the things that actually, when we’re confronted with all of these threats, we’re forced to return to. And again, that’s the homecoming. and we’ve been aching for it. So that’s how I get through all of this. That is the silver lining. That is the gift of all of this. But it comes about when we have our reckoning, when we say, who do I want to be in this?

Eric Zimmer 00:42:56  I love that question. It’s actually in the introduction in my book. It’s what I phrase is the two pivotal questions in life. You know, who do I want to be? You know, regardless of what circumstances are happening around me, who’s the person I want to be that that shows up. And I also love that Islands of Sanity idea. It’s a really beautiful phrase for what we need.

Sarah Wilson 00:43:21  Yeah. And another phrase that make Wheatley, I borrow from Meg Wheatley is being a warrior of the human spirit.

Sarah Wilson 00:43:28  And even those phrases, I mean, they get people excited when I use that terminology because I think there’s a sense of recognition. That is where we’re meant to be. We’re not meant to be. I don’t know the LinkedIn version of ourselves. We’re not meant to be scrolling on screens for 5 or 6 hours a day. We’re not meant to be consuming, consuming, consuming to no end. So yeah, I actually do think that this is what this is about. This reckoning is incredible and has the capacity to be exactly what we need to step up into that next realm to move beyond our adolescence.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:06  Yeah, I love that phrase. Also, what was it? A warrior of the human spirit.

Sarah Wilson 00:44:11  That’s right.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:12  Yeah, yeah. I can think back to a couple of other things that are like that. Like Trungpa Rinpoche talking about being a spiritual warrior. You know, the Buddhist bodhisattva manjusri kind of has like a flaming sword, right? It’s cutting through delusion. There’s a fierceness.

Sarah Wilson 00:44:32  Absolutely.

Sarah Wilson 00:44:32  There’s a fierceness. And there’s also, I think when I say that there’s a recognition in all of this. We need to remember that, in fact, we are built for hard times. There’s countless studies that have been shown. One that comes to mind right now is that during the London Blitz, when London was being bombed by the Germans. Winston Churchill thought that everyone was going to lose their mind. So he built these mental institutions on the outskirts of the city, expecting them to be filled. And in fact, the mental institutions that were in the city had to be used for casualties. What actually happened is that even those who were already in the mental institutions, they left and became ambulance drivers, and they stepped up into service. And Britain recorded its happiest and healthiest times ever because people felt a sense of camaraderie. They felt a sense of serving the times and serving their fellow Brits. Great moments of human flourishing have emerged from dark times, art movements, poetry, scientific advances, the Axial Age, which was a dark, liminal time that went for several thousand years produced Buddhism, Judaism.

Sarah Wilson 00:45:42  It produced incredible ideas. And so that’s another thing to bear in mind. With all of this, we are actually built for difficult times. It’s the neoliberal system that tried to tell us that we deserve increased ease and comfort. There’s too many studies to mention that show that it’s when we’re in friction that we become truly creative and curious, and we expand as humans. So that is really worth bearing in mind. Those religious ideas have been capturing that for eons, and they existed to remind us at times like this. Terrifying times like this, that keep going, keep going, keep pushing through this. We are warriors. We are at our best when we’re striving towards something bigger than ourselves. You know, I think of Viktor Frankl, who wrote Man’s Search for meaning, where he documents who survived Auschwitz. And it wasn’t the big macho man with the big muscles who were tough and stoic. It was the man in his case, he was obviously in a men’s encampment. It was the men who had something bigger than themselves to live for.

Sarah Wilson 00:46:52  It was either love, a loved one, or it was some kind of spiritual belief in a God larger than themselves. So yeah, I think often we feel like, oh my goodness, how on earth are we going to cope? This is not right. How is humanity going to be able to go backwards into deterioration, into crumbling? Well, that’s what we’ve done throughout history. These kind of last 70 to 270 years are an anomaly. Humanity hasn’t gone through such growth like this ever before.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:22  The other thing that is a real advantage of humanity, and we often in psychological circles, paint it as not a good thing, which is our ability to habituate to nearly anything. And so this normally. I’ve had a recent guest to the whole thing was like, that’s the cause of unhappiness. You habituate to the good things in your life. You don’t appreciate them. But that ability to habituate as life changes and to find our way into a place where we find a way to be okay, even as circumstances change.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:56  We’re kind of built for this. We’re really good at that.

Sarah Wilson 00:48:00  Yeah. And you know it’s interesting a question that comes up a lot when I’m talking about this. You know I’ve just completed a 26 event tour in Australia and obviously been writing about this in a way where people have been able to interact with me and ask questions as I go. And the question has come up over and over again is, well, should I be having children? You know, this is obviously younger readers. And I decided to look into this, and I found that Margaret Mead was once asked the same question by her sister. Her sister and her husband were deciding whether to have children as as war loomed, as the terror of war loomed and Margaret Mead wrote a letter, which I actually reproduce in the book, and she wrote to her sister and said, well, you know what? People have had children in all kinds of dark times. Children are never promised, you know, to have an easy life. And in fact, if you grew up in the Middle Ages, all you experienced was life getting worse and worse and worse.

Sarah Wilson 00:48:54  She writes this letter of comfort saying, no, this is precisely what we’re meant to do in such times because it is human. This is what we do. And as it turns out, Margaret Mead, sister, had two children, both of whom grew up to be. I think one was a very famous violinist and one was a very successful scientist. And, you know, this is something that we need to get rid of is this idea that, you know, life is meant to get better and better, and that is where we’re going to define our sense of well-being and worth. It’s simply not the case, and we can accustom ourselves to all different types of baselines and create meaning, in fact, often even deeper meaning from a lower baseline.

Eric Zimmer 00:49:41  Before you check out, pick one insight from today and ask, how will I practice this before bedtime? Need help turning ideas into action? My free weekly Bytes of Wisdom email lands every Wednesday with simple practices, reflection, and links to former guests who can guide you even on the tough stuff like anxiety, purpose and habit change.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:03  Feed your good wolf at one you feed. Net newsletter again when you feed your net. We all have to go through this in our own lives. Right there turns a point where physically things are not getting better. They are going to continue to get worse, right? And yet, humans for all of time have found ways to live within that we do know.

Sarah Wilson 00:50:29  And find deeper and deeper meaning. The shittier things get, you know, and to find more and more happiness. The older we get, the more that our body disintegrates. And all the things that we thought, you know, made for a wonderful life. As they start to leave us, we find kind of ourselves digging down deeper into who we really are. And Viktor Frankl said this we are a meaning seeking species. And we’ve lived in a time, an era in history which has taken us away from meaning making. Let’s put us on a hedonistic treadmill.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:05  So I’d love to end with you just reading one of my favorite lines from the book, and I think it’s a beautiful way to sum up everything that we’ve talked about here.

Sarah Wilson 00:51:15  Yeah, okay. You’ve preempted this one for me, so I’ve got it here in front of me. I write if all else fails or you lose focus. Just care. Care all over the place. When the world sees care in other people’s faces, it shifts. I think it’s true.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:34  I do too. What a beautiful place to wrap up. Sarah, thank you so much for coming on the show and good luck surviving the Paris heatwave.

Sarah Wilson 00:51:43  I absolutely appreciate these conversations, Eric. I hope we do it every couple of years.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:48  Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity. But we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:14  Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the One You Feed community.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

The Art of Seeing Others (and Being Deeply Seen) | David Brooks

July 31, 2026 Leave a Comment

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In this episode, David Brooks explores the art of seeing others and being deeply seen, and why our ability to make another person feel truly seen, heard, and understood may be one of the most important skills we can develop. He discusses the power of curiosity, the questions that lead to genuine connection, and how wise friends help us rewrite the stories we tell ourselves. Along the way, David explores loneliness, depression, difficult conversations, and why learning to truly know another person can transform not only our relationships, but our own lives.

Free Guide: Outsmart the Hidden Saboteurs of Self-Control. What’s been holding you back lately? In this free guide, Eric shares the six common saboteurs that quietly derail our best intentions—like autopilot behavior, self-doubt, and emotional escapism—and offers practical strategies to help you regain control and move forward. Download your free copy at oneyoufeed.net/ebook.


Key Takeaways:

  • Exploration of empathy and its importance in human connection.
  • Discussion of depression and its impact on individuals and society.
  • Insights on wisdom and the distinction between wisdom and knowledge.
  • The significance of meaningful conversation and deep engagement with others.
  • The concept of “stacking” and the tendency to judge others quickly.
  • Strategies for deepening conversations and fostering connection.
  • The role of humility and curiosity in understanding others’ perspectives.
  • Navigating difficult conversations, especially across divides.
  • The nature of support for those struggling with mental health issues.
  • Reflections on the joy and meaning found in truly seeing and being seen by others.

David Brooks is one of the nation’s leading writers and commentators. He is an op-ed columnist, for the New York Times, a writer for The Atlantic and appears regularly on the PBS Newshour. He is the bestselling author of The Second Mountain, The Road to Character, The Social Animal, Bobos in Paradise, and On Paradise Drive and his newest book is How to Know a Person:  The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen.

Connect with David Brooks: Website | Twitter

If you enjoyed this conversation with David Brooks, check out these other episodes:

Peter Block on Freeing Yourself from Consumer Culture

How Relationships Shape Our Happiness and Well-Being with Robert Waldinger

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Episode Transcript:

David Brooks 00:00:00  You can be an atheist, a Jew, a Christian, a Buddhist, monk, Muslim, whatever. But looking at people with that level of respect and reverence for who they are deep inside is the first prerequisite for knowing them well.

Chris Forbes 00:00:20  Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts. We have quotes like garbage in, garbage out or you are what you think ring true. And yet for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction. How they feed their good wolf.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:05  David Brooks used to think wise people were like Yoda or Solomon, full of maxims that would solve your problems, but not anymore.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:13  The wise person, he says, is someone able to edit their story. When someone is struggling, it’s usually because their story has stopped working. They blame themselves for things that aren’t their fault and others for things that are a good friend helps them retell it. And that’s the center of a lot of my own work. To the question of what we make things mean and what else it could mean, we also talk about what David learned when his oldest friend fell into a severe depression. His new book is How to Know a Person. I’m Eric Zimmer and this is the one you feed. Hi, David, welcome to the show.

David Brooks 00:01:50  Oh, it’s great to be with you.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:51  I am so happy to have you on. I was describing several of your more recent books about, you know, character and asking the deeper questions about our lives. And even your latest book, which is called How to Know a Person The Art of Seeing Others and Being Deeply seen have been deeply resonant with me, so I’m really happy to have you on, and we’ll discuss that latest book in others in a moment.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:11  But we’ll start, like we always do, with the parable. And in the parable, there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops and thinks about it for a second, looks up at their grandparents, says which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

David Brooks 00:02:44  Yeah, I guess the first thing I think of is we’re living through hard times where the bad wolf has been given preeminence. People just aren’t as kind to each other as they should be. And so we have this epidemic of sadness in American society the rise of depression, the rise of suicide. 54% of Americans say that no one knows them well.

David Brooks 00:03:05  The number of people who say they have no close personal friends has quadrupled in 20 years. The number of people who ranked themselves at the bottom level of happiness is gone up by 50%. So there’s just something sad and broken in our society. And in my view, it means we have to double down on the good wolf. And the good wolf is the humanity in us that humanity consists of trying to see the world from another point of view. And in my view, there’s one skill that’s at the center of every healthy family, society, country and organizations the ability to see others deeply and make them feel deeply seen, to make people feel seen, heard and understood. And that’s hard when you feel there’s war going on around you. It’s hard when you have leaders say, we can’t afford morality because it’s a dog eat dog world. But in these hard times, I’m really struck by the defiant humanists, the people who say even in hard times, I’m going to stand up. And my humanity, my ability to see other people is not going to be a weakness.

David Brooks 00:04:01  It’s going to be a strength for me. I saw a video online at Twitter the other night of James Baldwin in the 1960s, and the great novelist in the midst of racism was saying, no, I’m doubling down on my humanity. Go to my year in the midst of Middle East war. Gandhi in the midst of colonialism. And so I wrote the book trying to understand in hard times, how can you be a more gentle, a kinder, more respectful person who illuminates others with a gaze that says, I just want to understand you?

Eric Zimmer 00:04:32  Yeah, that seen and being seen is so deeply important. I mean, I mentioned to you briefly before we started about my addiction history and, you know, I think that’s one of the things that makes 12 step programs work when they do work for people. Right? I’m not saying they work for everybody, but when they do, one of those things is you feel deeply seen for the first time. You suddenly feel like you’ve not understood yourself and no one has understood you for a long time.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:56  As you wrestle with this addiction and suddenly you feel seen and you feel understood, and that is a lot of the healing process. I mean, that’s a big engine in what makes that overall thing work.

David Brooks 00:05:07  Yeah, that’s why it’s so important that we see each other accurately. Because if I see you, if I see potential in you, you’ll see potential in yourself. If you beam your attention on me, you’ll bring forth growth in me. And so the act of casting attention is a generous, creative act. The problem is, we’re not naturally good at it. And so there’s researchers at the University of Texas who test how well are we reading each other the first time we meet somebody, and the average person is only reading the other person? Well, 22% of the time. And some people, it’s 0% of the time, they just don’t know what’s going on in the other person’s head. So it’s important to get really good at that skill of knowing how to probe deeply into people, how to be curious about people.

David Brooks 00:05:49  The number one reason we don’t see each other is we’re just not curious and we don’t ask. I sometimes come back from a party and I think, you know, that whole time nobody asked me a question. And I’ve come to feel that only 30% of the people are questions and answers. The rest are perfectly pleasant. They’re just on broadcast mode. They’re not curious about others. And so the book is an attempt to walk people through the skill from the first second you meet somebody through the conversations, through hard times, through politically hard times, how you get to know another human being and make them feel known.

Eric Zimmer 00:06:20  Yeah. I mean, my partner and I often will remark on that. We’ll go out to dinner or we’ll be with a group of people. And, you know, sometimes it’s just this amazing, wonderful, deep conversation. And other times we leave and it just doesn’t quite feel right. And what we’ve often found is that we’re the ones who asked all the questions all night. No one ever reflected a question back.

Eric Zimmer 00:06:40  No one ever asked, how are you? No one, you know, and it’s just it’s an odd thing. And I think that piece about curiosity is really important. And you talk about, you know, the gaze at a person. And it seems to me that the way we are as creatures, the way we have evolved, that we cannot not judge people at first sight. Like it doesn’t seem to be a mechanism I can turn off, right? Like it just happens automatically. I see somebody and immediately a judgment forms of them. And then based on that judgment is sort of I think your next level is is a really good one. There’s some cases where it’s an immediate like or an immediate dislike, but most of the time it’s sort of a lack of curiosity. Oh, I know what that person’s about. I know what somebody who rides a Harley-Davidson and wears leather is about, or I know what. Somebody who drives an Audi and is it a coffee shop and orders a, you know, a latte that has 18 customizations? I know what they’re about based on those judgments.

David Brooks 00:07:39  Yeah. So that’s called stacking. And that’s when, you know, one thing about a person, then you make a whole series of assumptions about them. And so that I know that you’re a Trump voter. Say, or a person who’s a Trump voter. And I think, oh, then I must believe this X, Y, and Z. And that’s never true. If you’re actually curious about people, you find their lives are completely amazing and unpredictable. And so I remember years ago I met a woman at a Trump rally who was a big Trump supporter, who was also a lesbian biker who converted to Sufi Islam after surviving a plane crash. I’m like, what stereotype do you fit into? Exactly.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:12  It’s great.

David Brooks 00:08:12  And so it’s that humility that the person you meet is not a problem to be solved. They’re a mystery that you’ll never completely unravel, and the fun of it is getting to know them really well. And so I do think the the quality of the attention you bring to a person determines what you find a little to some degree that if I see you with judgmental eyes, I’ll find flaws.

David Brooks 00:08:33  If I see you with fear in my eyes, I’ll find threat. But if I see you with generosity, then I’ll see someone who’s smarter than me in many things, who’s more interesting than me and many things. Who has a soul of infinite value that I want to get to know and understand?

Eric Zimmer 00:08:49  Yeah. I mean, I think what you’re describing there is that getting to know process deeper and deeper because, I mean, stereotypes. They exist for a reason. They’re not completely made up. Right? And oftentimes even early on with someone, you just sort of keep encountering what you expect to encounter with them, you know. And so one of the things that you talk about is and we’re kind of jumping around in the book here, but I think we just kind of been led here, naturally, is that it’s the quality of the questions that you ask people. Because if we stay at the basic questions, we may stay at the level of the stereotype that we just talked about. Right now, the woman you just described very quickly, you’d be like, whoa, what’s going on here? Right.

Eric Zimmer 00:09:31  But someone else, you might go, oh, you know, they they do indeed drive a pickup truck. They do indeed love NASCAR. They do indeed love hunting. They like, you know what? You would just sort of keep skimming along the surface and keep getting kind of what you expected. So what are some ways that we start to go deeper with people? And I’d love to sort of start off that question in people that we are sort of meeting for the first time and not at like a, say, a dinner party where our friends have brought together people they think are interesting. And there’s almost a permission and an expectation often to go deeper in that context, whereas it’s a parent of someone on your kid’s soccer team and you’re sitting there watching the soccer game. Right. And I was just talking with my son about this last night because he’s 25 now. But when he was in high school, we lived in an upper middle class or upper class white enclave in Ohio, and I really struggled connecting more deeply with a lot of the parents that we were just actually just talking about this last night.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:31  So I’d love to go back if I could go back there and say, okay, how do I break through to a deeper level with these people that I spend time with, but I keep seeing stuck on the surface. And our surfaces are very different.

David Brooks 00:10:42  Yeah. Well, first, as I say, is the quality of the gaze. When you first meet a stranger there asking certain questions as the same time you’re unconsciously asking questions, am I a person to you? Am I a priority to you? Do I matter to you and the answers to those questions get communicated with your eyes before they get communicated with your mouth. And so it’s the way you look at them that that has tremendous power. I was in Waco, Texas, a couple of years ago, and I was having breakfast with a woman named LaRue Dorsey, and she was like 93. And she presented herself to me as this strict disciplinarian, like, real tough lady. She was a teacher. She said, I loved my children enough to discipline them.

David Brooks 00:11:20  And so I was a little intimidated by her. And then into the diner walks a mutual friend of ours named Jimmy Darrell. And Jimmy’s a pastor who ministers to the homeless. And he comes up to our table, grabs Mrs. Dorsey by the shoulders, and shakes her way harder than you should shake a 93 year old. And he says to her, Mrs. Dorsey, Mrs. Dorsey, are the best. You’re the best, I love you, I love you. And that stern disciplinarian turned to this bright, eye shining nine year old girl. And it was just the power of Jimmy’s gaze. And he’s just a warm, garrulous guy. But something more important is going on, which is that he’s a pastor. So he believes when he’s looking at anybody in the face, he’s looking into the face of God. He’s looking at somebody made in the image of God. He’s looking at somebody or anybody with a soul of infinite value and dignity. And you can be an atheist, a Jew, a Christian, a Buddhist monk, Muslim, whatever.

David Brooks 00:12:12  But looking at people with that level of respect and reverence for who they are deep inside is the first prerequisite for knowing them well. And then there’s the tendency which we resist a lot is to go just an inch deeper. You got to do this slowly. And so when I meet people, sometimes I ask them about where they grew up. I travel a lot, so I probably know something about their town. People love to talk about their childhood. Sometimes I’ll ask you, where’d you get your name? That gets people talking about their parents and their ethnic heritage and things like that. Sometimes as I get to know people a little better, it’ll just be like, tell me the most enjoyable, unimportant thing about you. And I had asked that. And I learned some scholar loves reality trash TV shows, and he learned from me that I have a ridiculous fondness for the early songs of Taylor Swift. And so, you know, it’s just a fun thing to learn about each other. We get to know each other a little more deeply, and you can always ask people what they’re proud of.

David Brooks 00:13:08  So if you’re at the sidelines of a soccer game, they’re probably proud of their kid. And so ask them what they’re proud about, and then you’ll be surprised how quick people want to get deep. I was at a dinner and this was a dinner conversation, so not so casual. It was an 80 year old political scientist said, what should I do with the rest of my life? And that was such a big question. We had a great conversation about his interests, about how you should approach old age these days. How do you confront death? It was just a great conversation because he had the guts to ask a big question.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:40  Yeah, yeah. Those are all really great. And so do you believe that? Let’s take the scenario I’ve been describing. You go to a soccer game and there’s the parent, and you meet them with that gaze because they’re most likely not meeting you with that gaze. I mean, again, some people are in those situations seem to unfold pretty easy and naturally.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:58  Right? But let’s assume they’re not meeting you with that gaze. They’ve kind of got you in the same, you know, sort of stacked idea of your character, and they’re just not that interested. And so you meet them with the warm gaze and you engage them and you try and go a little deeper. I would assume there are many cases where that works far better than you thought. And there are other cases where people just don’t want to go there. But you seem to indicate that far more often than we think people do.

David Brooks 00:14:22  Yeah, I do absolutely think that sometimes they don’t want to go there. Sometimes they’re jerks or they’re liars. So you can’t you know, I have a line in the book that in every group of people there are two sorts of people. There’s diminishing the people who make you feel small and stereotyped and ignored, and illuminators, the people who make you feel lit up and respected. And if you confront a diminished who just doesn’t want to go there, then there’s nothing you can do to force them.

David Brooks 00:14:45  But I have founded my career as a journalist, and I’ve talked to people who are in sort of the conversation business. And I asked them, how many times does somebody say, none of your damn business? And the answer is zero or almost zero. People love to tell their life story. I ran into a guy named Dan McAdams, who’s at northwestern, who studies how people tell their life story, and he calls his research subject in. He asked him about their high points, their low points, their turning points, their life. He says about half the people cry during the session because something sad they’re recounting, and then at the end, he gives them a check to compensate them for their time. And he says a lot of the people just push the check back across the table and said, I’m not taking money for this. This is one of the best afternoons I’ve had in my life. No one has ever asked me about my life story, and it’s just so much fun to try to tell you who I am.

David Brooks 00:15:35  And so I find we’re way too shy about wanting to go deep. And if people don’t pick it up, they don’t pick it up. But if you ask them big questions, they will enjoy it. And so some of my favorite big questions is after you’ve gotten to know somebody, you have to establish trust before you have these conversations. But it’s like what crossroads are you at? Most of us are at some sort of transition point in life. So what crossroads are you at right now? Or if the next five years is a chapter in your life, what’s the chapter about? What commitments have you made you no longer really believe in? What’s the forgiveness you’re hoping you’ll get from somebody? And those are big questions. And they get people to see their lives from 30,000ft. And they’re not the questions you ask when on first meeting. But if you know somebody, you can really deepen a friendship by having a conversation about those sorts of things.

Eric Zimmer 00:16:21  Yeah, I heard you in a conversation with Peter Block, who’s also been a guest on this show here from Ohio, where I’m at, and you guys discussed a question I believe that he likes is what question, if you had the answer to would set you free.

Eric Zimmer 00:16:34  And I’ve been pondering that one all morning. I still don’t have an answer, but I’m like, wow. Like really gets you thinking, like, what is in the way of me being free? And that freedom will mean different things for different people. But what a powerful question.

David Brooks 00:16:47  Yeah, and it’s not one we would normally ask. And that’s the great gift of really being interested in somebody else. You give them a chance because to tell their own life story and to understand themselves in a different way, because most of us just don’t sit down and compose our life story. We only get to tell when somebody asks. And when we do, we’ve suddenly got a different image of ourselves. I love Peter Bloch’s stories. One of his question is, can you be yourself where you are and still fit in? And so, you know, can you be natural at your workplace or do you only bring part of yourself to work? And that’s just interesting to know. Yeah. Those conversations, you’d think, well, it’s just a passing hour or two maybe.

David Brooks 00:17:24  But I really do think those kinds of encounters alter the way people see the world, alter the way they feel in the world. And if we’re surrounded, whether it’s at an AA meeting or even with a soccer team, it becomes a little closer to family. And, you know, my kids were athletes and my boys played baseball, my daughter played ice hockey. And our little families on those teams became community. Because often we’re traveling around together. Yeah. Having breakfast at Comfort Inn. And plus, my kids were pitchers. I can’t tell you how many times there’d be a three two count. And I’d send up a little prayer to God. God, take five years off my life, but just have the kid throw a strike.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:01  Right?

David Brooks 00:18:01  So those are vulnerable moments when your kid is either doing well or not 100%.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:06  I can understand and relate with that. So I want to just spend a minute on some, I guess, tips, right? You refer to this as sort of a self-help book, right? Like where you’re really trying to teach people how to do this.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:18  And obviously you’ve said that the self-help is you mostly. Right. You want to learn how to get better at this. But let’s talk about a couple of ways to be good conversationalists. And I’m just going to bring up a couple that you listed and just ask you to kind of say a little bit more about. But you said one of the ways is to favor familiarity. What do you mean by that?

David Brooks 00:18:38  Yeah. You would think people would like to talk about what they don’t know, but they like to talk about what they know. So if you meet somebody who’s a football fan, he or she wants to talk about the game that happened Sunday afternoon. And that’s why I always ask about their hometown. People love to talk about their childhood. I have a friend named David Bradley. His great skill is to hire people. He’s built successful businesses not because he’s a great manager, but he’s really good at spotting people. And he has two techniques. One is he wants to know about their skill set, but he wants to know it in the narrowest way possible.

David Brooks 00:19:07  Like, don’t tell me you teach. Tell me. Oh, I like drawing up lessons, plans, or I like tutoring special needs kids. Like, I want to know the specific skill you have. But the other thing he’s looking for is what he calls a spirit of generosity. And so it’s always, take me back. He says people in job interviews, they start their life talking about their career. He says, take me back to your childhood and he wants to know. I don’t know if this is right or not, but this is his theory. We all carry around the person we were in high school, and so he wants to know, who were you in high school and how has that changed? And if you were an outsider in high school or insecure, you probably still carry some of those insecurities around with you. He wants to get at that deeper level, and that’s favor familiarity.

Eric Zimmer 00:19:47  I’m contemplating. If someone asked me that question in an interview and I answered honestly, I’m like, would that help me get the job? Would that, you know, would that help me not get the job? I, you know, would help that person realize that I was sort of two wildly different people in high school, one year to the next.

Eric Zimmer 00:20:04  It’s an interesting question. The other is you talk about don’t be a topper.

David Brooks 00:20:09  Yeah. So that’s so if you tell me you’re having problems with your teenager, and then I turn around and start talking about the problems I’m having with my teenager, it sounds like I’m just trying to establish some commonality so we can relate to one another. But what I’m really doing is shifting the topic of conversation onto me and away from you. Yeah. And showing I care more about me than you. And so if you tell me you’re having a problem with your teenager or whatever, I might say, yeah, I’m having a problem with mine. But tell me about what you’re experiencing. And then on any subject, whether it’s across political difference or relational difference, it’s always a good idea to ask three times to ask the question one way, then ask another, and then ask it another way. And it’s like, what am I missing here? Tell me more about that, because we think we’re more clear than we are, and we think we listen better than we really do.

David Brooks 00:20:57  So if I can ask you three times and then do a thing called the looping, which is paraphrasing back to you what you just said, then we’ll be sure that we, we really do understand each other and that looping can be awkward. Like I’m summarizing what you just said, but you’ll be astounded how often you get it wrong and how often you misheard what the other person just said.

Eric Zimmer 00:21:18  I have a couple questions in there about that very specific thing. I mean, I think the topping thing, I know I do it. I mean, the minute I read that, I’m like, oh yeah, I kind of do it all the time, right? And I do think that there is a genuine desire to sort of connect over a shared thing. And I also understand completely how it’s sort of shifting back to me. And so it’s one to kind of watch for. And I think there’s probably an art to when you sort of say, yeah, me too. And when you step back and let them tell their story and again, kind of, you know, I’ll go back to my 12 step things, right? If I had just said, I’m a heroin addict, and I just explained all about being a heroin addict, and that other person had sat over there and just asked me questions about it, it would have been a far different experience than when they go, yeah, me too.

David Brooks 00:22:03  Right?

Eric Zimmer 00:22:03  That’s true. Right? Like, you know, I know what that’s like. So I think there’s probably an art to like, how do you do that? Well, where you can sort of say, I understand you because I’ve been there and I’m not making this about me, you know? It’s right.

David Brooks 00:22:16  Yeah. That’s very well put. I hadn’t thought about that complexity, but I totally agree with somebody walked through the experience you have. It’s a very different conversation. Yeah. And so then you can say, well, did you feel like this in the morning? Did you like.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:29  Yes.

David Brooks 00:22:29  Here’s like I’m talking from some awareness here. Yeah. And empathy is three different skills. And the first skill is mirroring the ability to catch the emotion. But then the second skill is mental. It’s taking the experiences I had and then trying to imagine what you had. And that’s what I’m talking about here mentally. It’s the ability to use my experience to illuminate yours. And then the final skill is caring.

David Brooks 00:22:55  It’s the ability to accurately do what you need to do to feel cared for. And so that’s like you may be having an anxiety attack. And if I had an anxiety attack, I might want a glass of wine.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:07  You just referenced asking a question three times, and you also referenced sort of this looping process. So I’m going to start with the looping process and then go back to the three questions. My partner Jenny and I often debate this looping thing, a version of it. Right. It’s called Different Things. And she believes that it’s very important that you often use the exact words somebody used going back, because those words carry a resonance and an importance to them. And I’m always much more like, well, if I just summarize it in my own words, it kind of shows I’ve got it and I understand what they’re saying. What do you think about that? I’m just kind of curious, your thought on that or what you’ve learned from people who know a lot about this?

David Brooks 00:23:51  Yeah, it’s funny you say that.

David Brooks 00:23:52  So I think about this a lot, and I think I’m my instinct is more on your side that if you repeat the exact words back then it sounds like you’re a therapist and not a friend. But so my instinct is to paraphrase, but as you’re saying, that I was very lucky early in my career to be on a TV show with Jim Lehrer called the NewsHour on PBS, and Jim’s method was you would give an answer, and then he would pick out the three essential words and repeat it back to you. Those three words and him repeating those three words was an invitation for you to go deeper. Yeah. Or else he would take those three words. And my partner was Mark shields. He would throw those three words to Mark. So I think there’s a very good point that there is if you can pick out the three crucial words, that becomes an invitation to go deeper. And so just as I’m thinking of this off the top of my head, I had a conversation with a young person who was leaving her current employment and then going off to, as she said, find herself and travel the world.

David Brooks 00:24:48  And I didn’t have the presence of mind at that moment to stop the conversation at that moment and say, find yourself. What do you mean by that? And so I let the moment pass, and I’ve now appreciated something I didn’t point out in the book because I really didn’t think about it. Those moments when something important has just been said. And if you can pause at that moment and go deeper at that moment, and it strikes me that using the exact words as the person used is an effective way to suck. Let’s pause here. Let’s let’s go a little deeper on this point.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:16  Yeah, yeah, that’s actually a great idea. Those three words. Because you’re right. If you just say back exactly what they said, you start to look like a therapist or a Saturday Night Live skit or just something that’s not real. You become robotic, right? It becomes a method, not a feeling or a deep connection. And yet, as you pointed out, you know, the words can be important.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:37  And you said that we want to ask the question three times. Can you give me an example of a question I might ask, and then how I might follow it on three times without asking the exact same question three times? Or again, it looking like I’m using a method like, because what you’re talking about is moving around their answer and looking at it from there and looking at it from there. What are some of the ways we might do that? Very practically, because I can’t quite think of how to do that in all cases.

David Brooks 00:26:04  So the hardest conversations I have these days are conversations across difference or inequality. And so I walk into a room. You know, I work at the New York Times. I work at the Atlantic. I’ve been teaching at Yale University. I come with a lot of elite baggage. When I walk into a room. Yeah. And so a lot of people naturally see me as whether they’re on the right or the left. They see me as part of a system that is holding them down.

David Brooks 00:26:28  And so those are hard conversations, because sometimes in the way they approach me, there’s criticism, there’s blame. You’re enmeshed in systems that are awful. And so my first instinct in those conversations is to get all defensive and say, oh, I’m not part of the problem. I’m part of the solution, or here’s what I’m dealing with. And I’ve learned it’s best at those moments to resist that temptation to get defensive. Yeah. And that my first job is to stand in your standpoint, the Scottish have this word, Ken, which is a naval term for the whole world that you can see from your ship. We have the phrase that’s beyond my Ken. And so my job is to get inside your Ken. And so if they say, well, you’re part of the establishment guy, the guy come up to me in the airport the other day and said, you’re part of the establishment. And here’s what I should have said. I didn’t have the presence of mind, but I probably should have said, what do you mean by establishment? And how do you feel pinned down or ignored or judged by the establishment? What kind of establishment would you like to see? Or do we not need one? And suddenly there’s the little train of thought, and suddenly we’re not critiquing each other.

David Brooks 00:27:31  We’re exploring a point of view. Yep. And two things I like to when there’s disagreement. One fun thing to do is find the disagreement under the disagreement. Like we may superficially disagree about whether Donald Trump’s a good guy or not, but there’s probably a philosophical reason, deep down, that we’re disagreeing. So let’s go off and search together for that fundamental disagreement under the disagreement. And then the other thing I’ve learned in hard conversations is to pay attention to the under conversation that when we’re talking, there’s the nominal subject that we’re talking about, whether it’s politics or whatever, the culture war. But there’s also the other conversation, which is the flow of emotion between us as we’re talking with every comment, you or I are making each other feel a little more threatened or a little more safe. And so if I ask you to go into detail about your point of view, I may not ever agree with you, but at least I’m showing you the respect of curiosity about your point of view. And there’s a great book called Crucial Conversations by a whole bunch of authors.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:30  And it’s funny, I was just about to reference that book, get something from it, because I love that book.

David Brooks 00:28:35  Yeah, it’s a great book, but one of the things they say in that book is in any conversation, respect is like air. When it’s present, nobody notices. When it’s absent, it’s all anybody can think about. So I’m going to be showing you the respect of asking you three times, what did you have from that book?

Eric Zimmer 00:28:50  Well, a similar idea, which is about this idea of safety. And that once safety leaves a difficult conversation, you can’t go anywhere. And my experience is once safety leaves a difficult Conversation. Everything that happens after that is injurious. It injures each other. Right. And you know, what’s sort of amazing is sometimes in certain relationships or in certain fraught political conversations, that safety leaves the room immediately. Like my ex-wife, I remember I was reading that book. I was like, okay, we got to figure out how to communicate better, right? I’m going to get safety.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:24  You know, we’re going to establish safety, and I’d establish safety. And then, I mean, I swear it was like a minute and a half later it’s all gone again. And I’m like, how is this possible? But it’s because we had so, so many conversations that we did not say, oh, safety’s gone, let’s stop. Right? We just plowed onwards and those conversations damage the relationship again and again and again and again. But it’s really hard in the moment of emotion to stop and go, oh, wait. Safety’s gone. Nothing good can happen here. Nothing good can happen. It’s really hard to pause and step back from that. So that was one of the things from that book that really has always been illuminating to me. And that’s sort of what you were just talking about, which is that monitoring the under conversation, whether it’s for respect, whether it’s for safety, you know, and when that starts, either respect or safety is gone. That has to be fixed before the conversation can carry on in any way that will be less than destructive.

David Brooks 00:30:22  Yeah. They have a phrase.

Eric Zimmer 00:30:23  Better than destruction.

David Brooks 00:30:24  When safety goes away, our motivations deteriorate. And so at first.

Eric Zimmer 00:30:28  That’s a great yes.

David Brooks 00:30:29  We were motivated to like, share our point of view on something. Suddenly, I’m motivated to show I’m smarter than you or more powerful than you. And so the motivations are deteriorated. The only thing you can do, as you suggest is, is like, stop the conversation. And they have a murmur from one of the experts. I spoke to a term called splitting, and that’s where I clarify what my motivations are here. No, I wasn’t trying to silence your voice. I was trying to understand what your point of view a little better. So you say what you’re not good trying to do, and then you say what you are trying to do. And that may not, as you say, save the relationship or save the conversation. Once contempt enters the room, it’s really hard to get out of the room. And yeah, but at least it gives you your best shot at recovering something.

Eric Zimmer 00:31:31  Before we dive back into the conversation, let me ask you something. What’s one thing that has been holding you back lately? You know that it’s there. You’ve tried to push past it, but somehow it keeps getting in the way. You’re not alone in this. And I’ve identified six major saboteurs of self-control. Things like autopilot behavior, self-doubt, emotional escapism that quietly derail our best intentions. But here’s the good news you can outsmart them. And I’ve put together a free guide to help you spot these hidden obstacles and give you simple, actionable strategies that you can use to regain control. Download the free guide now. At one, you feed and take the first step towards getting back on track. There’s another thing that you talked about in difficult conversations, and one of them is keep the gem statement at the center. Say a little bit more about that. I think it applies to what we’re talking about with safety and respect, but say more about it.

David Brooks 00:32:31  Yeah, I learned that one from a mediator.

David Brooks 00:32:32  It’s if we’re having a disagreement, we may just like, say, my brother and I are having a disagreement about her dad’s health care. There’s usually something deep down that we agree upon. So we both want what’s best for our dad. And if we can keep that thing, we agree upon the gem statement at the center. Then we preserve a relationship. Amid disagreement, it becomes clear we’re just arguing over means, not ends. I think that’s just a valuable way to soften a disagreement.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:56  Yeah, I agree also. And I think in certain situations in my life where there’s been problems in a relationship, you know, the gem statement that we can go back to is, or at least in my case, has been we love each other and we care about each other, and we’re trying to resolve a problem. And going back to that often is very helpful. I love that phrase. When safety goes away, our motivations deteriorate, right? And the gem statement is really a way, at least in my mind, of recovering that safety.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:21  Yeah, I love you. I care about you. That’s the core. That’s what we’re after here, you know? And now we’re we’re talking about an issue that is in there. But it’s not about that core idea.

David Brooks 00:33:33  Yeah. I once ran into a blog post about how to save a relationship that’s troubled, and it was filled with good advice. I can’t even remember who did it, but one of them was like, you know, they tell you, never go to bed mad. You should always resolve your fights before you go to bed. And her advice was, no, just go to bed. You’ll you’ll wake up. You’ll be rested, you’ll make pancakes. It’ll be a lot better. Yeah, I remember another. Her piece of advice was never complained to her mom or complained to his mom because his mom will forgive you, but your mom never will. So pitch to somebody else’s mom, not your own mom. And another one was, boast about your partner, a friend, and have them over here.

David Brooks 00:34:09  You boasting? Yes. People like to be boasted about.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:12  Yeah, yeah, that. Don’t go to bed. Mad is one of the worst pieces of advice I’ve ever heard. I mean, I heard that advice and I would try that at points, and I was like, I can’t tell you how many disastrous conversations came from trying to follow that advice, because it’s 3:00 in the morning, you’re both exhausted, your motivations have deteriorated, and it never has turned out well for me.

David Brooks 00:34:32  Right? No. Same.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:34  You have a chapter in the book called How to Save a Friend Who’s in Despair. I thought it was a great chapter. I would wonder if you could just share some of the key points for, you know, how to save a friend in despair, and maybe what you even mean by that. Save. You know what? What do you mean by save a friend? And but let’s just talk a little bit about how do we work with, you know, people in our lives that we care about who are in the midst of really rough times?

David Brooks 00:34:59  Yeah.

David Brooks 00:34:59  Now that I think about it, I poorly named that chapter I hadn’t thought about till this second, but it should have been how to sit with a friend who’s in despair because saving is beyond your ability, I guarantee you.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:08  But people want to read about how to save. That’s going to bring them in the door. You know. So.

David Brooks 00:35:12  Okay.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:13  It’s okay. Yeah, I think I think it’s still good.

David Brooks 00:35:16  Yeah. So my oldest friend in the world was a guy named Peter, and he had was a wonderful guy. Cheerful, playful, sporting, good looking. He had, like, a wonderful life. He had great career, wonderful wife, great kids. And at age 57, he gets hit by just a severe, severe depression. And so I thought I knew what depression was, but I didn’t really know what depression was. I learned that a person who’s fortunate enough not to have suffered from depression cannot understand what depression is by extrapolating from their own moments of sadness. It’s not like that.

David Brooks 00:35:47  And the best description of depression I read was from another friend of mine who suffered from it, who said, a depression is a malfunction in the instrument we use to perceive reality, and so reality just appears very different. And my friend said I had these voices in my head that were lying to me. They were telling me, you’re not worth anything. Nobody would miss it if you’re gone. And so depression is just different than sadness. And I made a couple of mistakes early on with Pete. The first one, I tried to give him ideas about how to get out of his depression, you know, used to go on these service trips to Vietnam. You should do that again. And I learned later that if you’re offering ideas to someone who’s depressed, all you’re doing is showing you don’t get it because it’s not ideas they are lacking. And so that was the first mistake I made trying to get them out of depression. The second mistake I made was what psychologists call positive reframing, which is to try to get them to see all the things about their life that are great.

David Brooks 00:36:44  Oh, you have a great family. You have great kids, great career. When you do that to someone who’s depressed, all you do is remind them they’re not enjoying the things that are palpably enjoyable so they feel worse. And so I think I eventually learned that your job as a friend of a depressed person is one to acknowledge the reality and to just say, this sucks. I’m here with you. For you. I’m not going away. There’s nothing I’m doing. I’m just sticking around. And I wish, in retrospect, I’d sent them just little touch points, like a little text random blue that said, I’m here. I’m thinking about, you know, no response necessary. Yeah, just those little touch points. I wish I told them I’m proud of your strength, that you’re still here because you’re in a lot of pain. You are fighting this with bravery and courage. And then Viktor Frankl, who wrote the great book Man’s Search for meaning, he would say to people who were in this situation that life is not stopped expecting things from you.

David Brooks 00:37:42  And that sounds kind of harsh, But he found it very useful that when somebody was really thinking of ending their life to be told, no, you still have some jobs here on this earth, so stick around. Yeah, and that sounds counterintuitive, but I think it actually works. And so we lost Pete. He’s come to the depression, but it was a hard education in how to talk to and not talk to someone. And ultimately the words had limited use. Yeah. Yeah. And nothing I said made a big difference. Pro or con particularly. Yeah. But learning had to be present through those moments is one of the most generous things you can do. And and in most cases, I think really a beautiful act, whatever the outcomes.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:25  Yeah. Well, I’m deeply sorry to hear that he didn’t make it. And, you know, there’s no way that we don’t carry some sort of like, what could I have done differently? And it sounds like you’ve gotten to the point where you sort of realize not a whole lot.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:39  Right. Having been in the recovery community for at least the last 25 years. You know, we’ve lost a lot of people to addiction. You know, a lot of people who never find their way back. And yeah, it’s a humbling process. It’s it’s an extraordinarily humbling process. And to realize that I believe there are things you can do that make things worse, particularly with an addict like you can make things worse for an addict, which is generally to continually shame and scold them. That will actually make it worse.

David Brooks 00:39:06  Because they’ve come to feel hopeless about their situation or their own efficacy to deal with the situation.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:11  Yeah, and addict has plenty of shame, right? What an addict needs is the ability to actually come out for help. And it’s an incredibly difficult thing. And so if you are constantly shaming or criticizing or yelling at the addict, it almost forces them into a defensive position like we talked about earlier. Like, right. It’s natural somebody comes at you, you go into defense.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:32  And a big part of getting somebody to the point of being willing to begin recovery is they have to lose their denial and their defenses enough to do it. But if you’re constantly helping them, erect them. Right.

David Brooks 00:39:45  Yeah. Right.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:45  Right. You know, it doesn’t work. And people think, you know, they addicts feel no shame about what they’re doing, but they feel tremendous, overwhelming shame. It is one of the engines of addiction. And so the more shame you put in, it’s like putting gasoline in a high powered engine. Right. And so, you know, those are some of the reasons. Now, again, even if that’s what we’re doing, it’s not our fault that the addict ends up where they are. Right. It’s not ours. But but there are things we can do that are more or less potentially helpful. But at the end of the day, it’s beyond us. You know. Yeah.

David Brooks 00:40:17  That’s how I came to think of it. Like especially talking to his wife and kids.

David Brooks 00:40:21  Like the thing was bigger than Pete. The monster was bigger than Pete, and it was certainly going to be bigger than us. And he had the great carry at a loving family. But the mountain monster was just big.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:31  Yeah, yeah. I mean, I’ve dealt with clinical depression in my adult life. And I mean, I think in, in my addiction sort of were a response to each other. And so I am familiar with depression. I have friends who can get very, very depressed. You know that thing you said about don’t offer ideas because it’s not a lack of ideas, right? It’s a lack of energy. It’s a lack of ability to do. I’ll share this because he’s listening, because he’s editing this show right now. But, you know, my best friend Chris, who’s also the audio engineer who’s been on this show with me for ten years, I mean, there have been multiple times over the last 15 years where we nearly lost him to cocaine addiction. I mean, I really literally thought multiple times, like, he’s not going to live through this.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:12  And it’s just it’s heartbreaking. It is so hard to have someone you love and care about that much. I’m saying this to you, but I’m also saying it to all the family members out there of children who are depressed, or children who are addicted, or your your spouse or I mean, it’s it’s really, really hard to to to go through that. And it’s also really, really important to find a way to take care of yourself through that, because you you can’t be of any benefit to anybody else. If you were self-destructing and being around somebody who’s deeply depressed or who’s an addict, being really, really close to them, if you don’t have the proper frameworks and support will make you crazy. I mean, it’s it’s why Al-Anon exists, right? Because the the spouses of addicts tend to go crazy, right? It makes you insane because you’re dealing with somebody who’s acting insane, you know, like, yeah, those are difficult things. So I’m sorry to hear about your friend. Are there other things that, you know out of that chapter that you feel like would be valuable to add to this?

David Brooks 00:42:12  Yeah, I mean, I resonate when you said it had an effect on me because a lot of our calls were over, Covid said they were phone calls, and that was already a deeply disorienting time.

David Brooks 00:42:21  Yeah. So that was the time I felt most close to depression. I began to think, is, yeah, is it catching?

Eric Zimmer 00:42:27  But, well, you know, maybe.

David Brooks 00:42:31  Yeah. I guess I it helped me, frankly, the only thing I’d add and I know less about this than you do, and probably a lot of people in the audience. There’s some books that really helped me. There’s a William Styron book called Darkness Visible, and it just to get inside the mind of a depressed person was an education for me. And so I read a bunch of books because I am who I am. And I learned, I learned that depression is far weirder than I thought it was.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:56  Yeah. Have you read The Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon?

David Brooks 00:42:59  I read that, too. Yeah. That was a beautiful book.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:01  Oh, he’s been a guest at several times in this show, and it’s such a beautiful man. And that book is is so, so good.

David Brooks 00:43:08  Yeah. He talks about the weirdness of depression.

David Brooks 00:43:10  He says, I, I was terrified of taking a shower. At the same time, I knew showers are not scary.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:17  Yeah. Yeah, he’s really good. I want to go back to something that we were talking about a little bit before, and I don’t remember the exact context, but it was about, you know, listening to somebody versus giving advice. Sort of. That was the general thing you referenced in your book. Ethan Kross and Ethan was a guest on the show, and he wrote a great book called chatter. And there was one thing from it that really, really stood out to me because it’s a question I’ve often thought about a lot. And, you know, it seems that there’s two models that we hear about dealing with somebody who’s struggling. Model one is the one that we’re all sort of naturally given to, which is you give them advice, you do positive reframing you. How did you think about it this way? Did you like we get in and we try and fix it.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:01  And we’ve heard an awful lot about how that’s not good. You know, the women in our lives, if we’re listening, will tell us, like, stop trying to fix it, you know? And again, I’m making a gender thing there, but I’m just speaking for my own life and men and women that I have known, you know. So the other model is you just sit with the person and you sympathize and you go, oh, yeah, your boss. What an asshole. Like, I mean, such a, you know, and you do that and what Ethan said, and I can’t speak to the data or the studies that he referenced, but what he said was that Actually, the people who get the most out of supportive friendships are getting both those things. Their very first, getting that deep understanding, being heard, sympathized, empathized with, supported. I’m on your side 100% right. And then at some juncture, perhaps they’re getting offered alternate perspectives, you know, and this is what I valued so much about my early friendships in AA was that when done right, they had both those things.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:00  When done wrong, it was just somebody telling you that’s one of your character defects coming up. And you, you know, and you’re like, well, okay. But yeah, I mean but that other perspective is so valuable. But I also think we can’t take that other perspective. And until we feel deeply seen, heard and understood. And so I always think of that study that Ethan referenced, because it speaks to me to a sort of a middle ground here of how we work with people who are struggling or, you know.

David Brooks 00:45:26  Yeah, yeah, that resonates with me. I think the way I’d phrase it is, as first, people need to be understood before they’ll change. Yeah, they’re not going to. They’re not going to change if they feel misunderstood or threatened or unsafe. And so you do have to show that unconditional positive regard. I guess the way I would say it is, I used to think wise people were like Yoda or Dumbledore or Solomon like, filled with maxims and mottoes that would solve all your problems.

David Brooks 00:45:49  Tell you what to do. We all want the smart person come in, tell us what to do. But I no longer think that’s what wisdom is. I think a great quality of wisdom is the ability to be tenderly receptive. So it’s to receive what you’re sending. It’s almost like being a coach and not a professor. You’re there to see somebody in a noble struggle. You’re there to see somebody negotiating the contradictions in life that we all have to negotiate the between intimacy and freedom. And so there’s just trade offs we have to make. And then you’re there. And this is most important, I think, to try to be a story editor. And so you want to know. Tell me the story. If someone’s in trouble, it’s probably because their story isn’t working for them anymore. And often it’s because they get causation wrong. And so they blame themselves for things that are not their fault, and they blame others for things that are their fault. And so what therapists are, and I think what good friends can be is story editors.

David Brooks 00:46:49  Let’s get you to retell the story of your life in a way that you’re the hero here, and in a way that explains to you what you should be doing. You can’t know what you’re going to do until you know what story you’re a part of. And Isaac Denison, the writer, said, any pains can be born if they can put into the form of a story. So if you know what your long the whole path of your life is going to be, what the narrative of your life is going to be, then the current moment is just a point in time. Yeah. And you’ll be able to get on track with that longer narrative and you’ll come back better. And so I do think it’s that the wise person is not giving advice to the wise person, is helping the other person retell their own story through prompts, sometimes by, you know, you can’t have a friendship. That’s all compassion without confrontation. Sometimes there has to be a little confrontation in there, too, to say, didn’t you leave this out of the story you just told me?

Eric Zimmer 00:47:44  Yes.

David Brooks 00:47:45  And don’t you need to confront this? And then they have to tell a larger story in a more accurate story about themselves.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:12  You said several things in there that are so good, but I love that idea of being a story editor that’s actually, you know, kind of what it is. And element of a story is what perspective you’re taking. Right. And so in that case, if you’re a story editor, you’re also a prospective editor, which is kind of what we need. And one of my favorite big questions, deepest, most valuable and important questions. And it’s not like a dinner party conversation. It’s a question that you use in response to what’s happening in your life is, what am I making this mean? Right? Right. I mean, because Crucial Conversations lays out very clearly that part of the problem in every disagreement is there’s an objective fact, like if you were rolling a camera, you know, the classic example, it’s easy to use and we all laugh about it, but we all understand it is like, you know, the husband who doesn’t take out the trash, or your wife who doesn’t take out the trash, whatever.

Eric Zimmer 00:49:03  If a camera was rolling, what it would see is that a person did not take out the trash. That’s the objective fact. Beyond that, though, it’s all about what we make it mean. Right. You know, and being able to ask ourselves, what am I making this mean? And what else might it mean to me is one of the most powerful and deep questions you can have. And it’s very helpful often to be able to do that. What else could it mean thing in partnership or in community, you know, with someone else a discussion?

David Brooks 00:49:32  Yeah. Aldous Huxley, the writer, has a phrase experience is not what happens to you. It’s what you do with what happens to you. Yeah. And that’s pointing to that subjective layer. What does that mean to you? And so, you know, if husband doesn’t take out the trash, the question is why is that a trigger for you. Why is that an issue for you. And so there are all these things that are happening inside of us.

David Brooks 00:49:52  And we need somebody to ask us why. Yeah. Like, you seem to have it all and yet you feel inferior. What’s that about? Why is celebrating holiday so important for you? What was in your family that made that so important for you? You look like an insider, but you feel like an outsider. Yeah. Where did that come from? Yeah. And so those are all questions designed to ask, like, why is this triggering you? Like, let’s see what’s in the background here and see where you actually came from and where you are now. I would say that in researching this book, one of the things I learned and was amazed by is how subjective all our points of view are, how we really are constructing our own reality. And just give one example. A guy named Dennis Proffitt teaches at UVA, and he asks college students to look at the hills on the UVA campus and say, how steep do you think those hills? And people tend to overestimate the steepness? Like it’s a 5% grade hill.

David Brooks 00:50:42  They’ll say that’s 20%. And then one day all their data came back from the research and the students got the hills steepness exactly right. And they were like, wow, why did that happen? And it turns out that day, the researchers happened to ask a bunch of students who were members of the women’s soccer team. So these were very fit D1 athletes. And so when they looked at a hill, it didn’t seem very steep to them because there was no problem for them to run up that hill. And so the lesson here is, the way you see a situation depends on what you can do in the situation. So a fit person sees less steep hills than an unfit person. A happy person sees less steep hills than a sad person. Someone with a backpack sees steeper hills than somebody without a backpack. And this may all seem trivial, but it comes to seem very important to me. So a poor person when I was teaching at Yale, a poor person who lives in town, does not see the same campus as a student at Yale who has badge as an access to all the buildings.

David Brooks 00:51:39  A poor person walks into Neiman Marcus. She’s a very different store than a rich person. And so these are what’s called affordances. And the way we perceive the world depends on what we can do in the world. And so our economic status, our social status just has tremendous power over the way we see reality. And we have to be appreciative of how subjective everybody’s viewpoints really are.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:00  So that was the way you see a situation depends on what you can do in that situation.

David Brooks 00:52:04  Yeah. It was originally formed by a psychologist actually 40 or 50 years ago. And it’s called affordances. You do what the situation affords. So if if you’re a hunter and you have a bow and arrow, you see a different field than if you have a rifle. You see a much smaller field.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:18  Well, it’s interesting to think of that in a psychological sense, right? You know, the way you see a situation depends on what you can do in that situation or what you believe you can do in that situation.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:30  Now, again, obviously, the Neiman Marcus example or the Yale campus example between a rich and a poor person, that’s not a psychological thing. Right now we may layer things on top of it. That’s a reality, right? But I’m thinking back to depression, right. And I’m thinking back to one of the main things that we referenced, which is it’s not about having ideas, it’s about having efficacy to do them. It’s about believing you can do them at all. And so my experience of depression is the way I see a situation depends on what I can do in this situation. And what I’m capable of doing feels very, very small. So I feel very, very small, right? You know.

David Brooks 00:53:07  I imagine if you’re an alcoholic, when you see a city block, you see liquor stores.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:12  Yes you do. Yep, lots of them.

David Brooks 00:53:15  The opportunity. Where am I going to get the next drink? And yeah, that’s partly but I think what you’re saying is actually a little deeper than that, that your vantage point can be filled with a sense of in efficacy or efficacy.

David Brooks 00:53:26  Yes, yes. And if you’ve led a blessed life, you probably think you can walk into a room and you can handle whatever you find there.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:32  Yeah, well, there’s that phrase, I can’t take it, right. That’s an internal phrase that many people use with a difficult situation. I can’t take it. I can’t do it, you know, and I’ve gone through some difficult things emotionally recently, and I’ve had moments where the thought pattern is, I can’t take this, it’s too much, or I’m just utterly heartbroken, you know? And there’s a balance in there of allowing the emotion to be what it is, but not limiting what my future and potential responses to that emotion might be. You know, I won’t always react the way I react today, right? There’s this balance of it’s that old saying, like, if you believe you can’t do something, you’re right. You know, in that you bring it about to a certain degree. And so even in an emotional sense, I do think that’s one of the as we mentioned, the primary engine of despair and depression is a form of despair.

Eric Zimmer 00:54:23  Is that belief that I can’t make this different?

David Brooks 00:54:26  Right? Yeah. And I guess the times I’ve felt those levels of suffering. I remember once this was about ten years ago, and I was in a dark period, and somebody gave me a book by a guy named Henry Now and a theologian, and he says, you need to stay in the pain to see what it has to teach you. And I’m like, screw that. Yeah, I’m just getting out of the pain. Like. And so I think we should never romanticize pain and suffering. Yes. And I myself have felt it with an earlier when my the first love of my life dumped me. I was, like, filled with narcissistic pride that. Oh, look how much pain I can feel. Yeah. You know. Yes. Oh, I’m really feeling this. I’m deep guy. but on the other hand, you know, I do think those moments of suffering. And one of my favorite phrases is from a theologian named Paul Tillich who was writing in, like the 1950s.

David Brooks 00:55:15  He says those moments of suffering interrupt our life, and they remind us, were not the people we thought we were. They carved through what you thought was the floor of the basement of your soul, and reveal a cavity below, and you carve through that and reveal another cavity below. And so you see into depths of yourself you don’t see when you’re happy, and you realize that only spiritual and relational food will fill those depths. Yeah. There’s a phrase you can either be broken by suffering or broken open. Yeah, yeah. And it’s hard. But our goal here is to be broken open, to approach the world with even more sympathy and wisdom and credibility, frankly. And there’s a great saying I have. I’m going to butcher it. It’s not Thornton Wilder. I put it in the book. He says, where would your power be without the wound you carry because of what you’ve gone through? He’s saying you have credibility. Your low voice, I think he says, trembles in the hearts of men in love service.

David Brooks 00:56:09  Only the wounded soldiers can serve. And so that sentiment, I think, is, is what you get out of the suffering. And if you just shut it off and deny the suffering, then you’re not going to get that power to bring with you for the rest of your life.

Eric Zimmer 00:56:21  Yeah. I mean, and you may have sense from the way I’ve had several of these conversations, I’m a big believer sort of in the middle way, you know, and it is that don’t shut down the pain and ignore it, but you can drown in it if you’re not careful. Right. And you can over romanticize it. And knowing that pain can lead to healing and redemption and openness up in new ways is a beautiful thing. And it’s the worst thing to say to somebody who’s in deep pain. Well, this is an opportunity for growth. You’re like, I’m going to I’m going to throttle you. And yet, even in the midst of it, I do find that if I can put even 2%, 5% of my mind on that, if I can know that my story is being edited right now, right, in a powerful way, it does give me a little bit of hope while feeling the difficult emotions in the pain.

David Brooks 00:57:05  Right? Yeah. And sometimes your mind just needs to create new models of the world. And those transitions are hard. They’re filled with grief, but your mind is just doing its thing.

Eric Zimmer 00:57:15  Do you just have an exceptional memory for quotes that you’ve read, or do you actually spend time like that? Paul Tillich quote was a fairly long quote that you just trotted out. Do you spend time like trying to, like, really memorize the things that are really meaningful to you, or do you just happen to have that gift?

David Brooks 00:57:31  I don’t know. I definitely don’t think I have a memory gift, but for things that are important to me that I’ve thought about a lot of, I can at least paraphrase them pretty well.

Eric Zimmer 00:57:38  Yeah. My ability to return a quote that I know I’ve heard and that was meaningful feels semi non-existent. I usually can find the idea, you know, like I can remember like Ethan Cross said something about that and it really meant something to me. But I’ve just been impressed too, several times in this conversation where I’m like, wow, that’s pretty good at that.

David Brooks 00:57:55  Well, maybe, yeah, I had a friend who could do, like, recite long hundreds of lines of poetry and stuff like that, and that’s out of my league.

Eric Zimmer 00:58:02  Yeah, I was memorizing poetry for a while every morning. I’ve kind of gotten away from it, but it was a great little thing to do because I loved to be able to just be out walking and bring a poem to mind and walk with it and sit with it and not have to pull out a piece of paper. I want to go back to wisdom for a second, because you’ve talked about wisdom a variety of different ways in your past and your previous books, and I just want to read something you wrote and then ask you to kind of maybe elaborate on it. And you say, wisdom is in a body of information. It’s the moral quality of knowing what you don’t know and figuring out a way to handle your ignorance, uncertainty, and limitation. That’s a beautiful phrase and very counterintuitive to the way we would think of wisdom.

Eric Zimmer 00:58:44  Say more about that.

David Brooks 00:58:45  Yeah, well, our major intellectual flaw is overestimating what we know, and we all think we’re smarter than we are, and we know more about a situation than it is. But situations like people are infinitely complex. The trade I admire most is humility. Humility is not thinking lowly of yourself. My favorite definition of humility. It’s seeing yourself accurately from a position of other centeredness. And so it’s the ability to know what you know and know what you don’t know. Know what you’re good at. Know what you’re bad at. And so Abraham Lincoln, I think, was a genuinely humble man. But he knew he was pretty special in some ways. Like he knew he was great with words. He knew he was wise. He knew he could take toughness, but he never thought he was master of events. He was willing to tolerate other people’s foibles. One of my favorite stories about him is there was a general who was a total jerk in my eyes, named McClellan, and Lincoln wanted to get into a fight more, to be more aggressive on the battlefield.

David Brooks 00:59:40  And so McClellan wouldn’t come visit him in the white House even though he was present in the States. So Lincoln and his aide, John Hay, went to McClellan’s house, and McClellan keeps them waiting in a waiting room for 45 minutes. And you can imagine keeping the president waiting. And then after about 45 minutes, the butler comes down and says, general McClellan has decided to retire for the night, so he just flat out refused to see his commander in chief. And John Hey is indignant like, you can’t treat the president this way. And Lincoln’s like. Listen, we’re here to fight the war. My personal ego is not at stake here. I don’t matter that much. We just somehow need to get him to fight more aggressively. And so he was not bothered at all. And to be not at stake. And to know what’s really important and what’s really not important. That’s part of wisdom. And that really is a quality of humility.

Eric Zimmer 01:00:31  Before we wrap up, I want you to think about this.

Eric Zimmer 01:00:34  Have you ever ended the day feeling like your choices didn’t quite match the person you wanted to be? Maybe it was autopilot mode or self-doubt that made it harder to stick to your goals. And that’s exactly why I created The Six Saboteurs of Self-control. It’s a free guide to help you recognize the hidden patterns that hold you back and give you simple, effective strategies to break through them. If you’re ready to take back control and start making lasting changes. Download your copy now at once. Let’s make those shifts happen. Starting today, when you feed Net Book.

Eric Zimmer 01:01:15  You’ve also said that we can be knowledgeable with other men’s knowledge, but we can’t be wise with other men’s wisdom. Wisdom isn’t a body of information, you know. And sort of back to that same phrase you used about ignorance, uncertainty and limitation. You know, I’m just fascinated by wisdom because I think it’s the thing that people often attribute to me, which then makes me go, well, hang on, let’s go before I’m even willing to take that mantle at all.

Eric Zimmer 01:01:40  What are we actually talking about? But it’s also one of the things that I most deeply feel like I want in life, right? I mean, actually, what I really want is the ability to respond wisely. I don’t want to be wise. So what I want the ability to respond wisely in all the situations in my life, and I think that’s what you’re speaking to when you say, what do I do? How do I handle my ignorance, uncertainty and limitation? Because the times that we don’t respond wisely is because we’re lost in one of those things. Or as the Buddhists would say, not only that, we’re also lost in greed and hatred or grasping an aversion. Pick your terms there. Right? But those are the ways that we don’t respond wisely.

David Brooks 01:02:18  Yeah. And I would say wisdom is knowing about other people. Knowledge is knowing about things, but wisdom is knowing about people in their situations. And so if you have sat doing the show or gone through the experiences you’ve gone through, you probably have not come out with that with empty hands, you probably have come out with some wisdom.

David Brooks 01:02:34  What you were just saying. I resonate so much with that. I think I’ve discovered I may not be the greatest intellectual in the world, but I like to teach. If I can find something that I found useful in my own life and I can share it with somebody, and then they write it down. That’s about as good as it gets for me. If I can offer some words that other people find useful. And there’s a saying about writers that were beggars who teach other beggars where we found bread. And so if I find something that worked for me, maybe it’ll work for you. And so I share it and that that’s like the core of what gets me up in the morning.

Eric Zimmer 01:03:07  Yep. Certainly. I feel like that’s what I am about to, you know, how can I share what I found elsewhere? That is helpful. Any final words on seeing other people or being seen any like big thing that you felt like was really important? That Eric just completely missed the boat on that you feel like you’d like to leave as we wrap up here.

David Brooks 01:03:27  The only thing I’d mention is it’s not only fun to be seen when people tell me stories of times they were seen. Their eyes light up their everyday stories. It’s like a lady. She was working a homeless shelter. Early Covid. She comes home, she’s overwhelmed. She gets home and starts hugging her dog and crying. And her husband just sits down next to her and he says, here are the six chores I’m going to do while you’re slammed at work. And that’s not profound. But he understood what she needed at that moment. And one day I was sitting in my dining room and my wife walks in and she doesn’t notice me. She’s just looking at a flower, an orchid we keep by the front door and I have this sensation sweep across my mind. I really know her. I know her through and through. It wasn’t like the personality types I would know about her at that moment. It was just the ebb and flow of her being, the harmonies of her music. And it was that moment of connection with a family member or somebody.

David Brooks 01:04:19  It was just very profound moment to really know somebody else. It’s so it’s fun to be the scene. It’s also really fun to be the singer and to have that knowledge of another human being. It’s just one of the most profound experiences you can have.

Eric Zimmer  01:04:31  That’s beautiful. Well, David, thank you so much. This has been such a wonderful conversation. I would love to go much longer, but we are out of time. But you and I will continue a little bit longer in the post-show conversation. And we’re going to talk about a woman named Edie Hilversum and a piece you wrote for a magazine recently, and really about a female way of relating to great difficulty that involves attention. And there’s a lot of great stuff in there. And so we’ll explore that in the post-show conversation. Or as listeners, if you’d like, access to that ad free episodes, the joy of supporting something that means something to you. You can go to one you feed, and we’d love to have you as part of our community. David, thanks so much.

David Brooks 01:05:11  Great pleasure. I truly enjoyed the conversation. I learned a lot.

Eric Zimmer 01:05:13  Thank you.

Eric Zimmer 01:05:14  Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking. I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity. But we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the One You Feed community.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

The 12 Levers That Actually Help You Change Your Life | Spencer Greenberg

July 28, 2026 Leave a Comment

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In this episode, Spencer Greenberg discusses the 12 levers that actually help you change your life and explains why lasting personal growth isn’t about finding a single breakthrough technique—it’s about knowing which tool fits the challenge you’re facing. Drawing from his new book, The 12 Levers: The Complete Psychological Toolkit for Improving Your Life, Spencer shares how nearly 500 self-improvement methods can be organized into 12 core psychological strategies. He also explore habit change, values, fear, acceptance, and thinking more clearly, while showing why understanding the root cause of a problem is often the key to creating meaningful, lasting change.

Free Guide: Outsmart the Hidden Saboteurs of Self-Control. What’s been holding you back lately? In this free guide, Eric shares the six common saboteurs that quietly derail our best intentions—like autopilot behavior, self-doubt, and emotional escapism—and offers practical strategies to help you regain control and move forward. Download your free copy at oneyoufeed.net/ebook.


Key Takeaways:

  • Why self-improvement techniques can be organized into 12 core psychological levers
  • How understanding the root cause of a problem leads to more effective change
  • The ABC method for uncovering the thoughts and beliefs behind difficult emotions
  • Why analyzing your past successes is one of the most effective ways to build new habits
  • How identifying your values, priorities, and guiding principles leads to better decisions
  • Why gradually facing fear is more effective than avoiding it
  • The difference between accepting reality and approving of it
  • How resistance often creates more suffering than the problem itself
  • Practical ways to recognize and challenge distorted thinking
  • Why personal growth works best as a toolbox—not a search for a single solution

Spencer is an entrepreneur and mathematician with a focus on improving human well-being through social science. He’s the founder of ClearerThinking.org, which provides more than 70 free tools and training programs related to topics like decision-making and cognitive biases, used by hundreds of thousands of people. He’s also the founder of Spark Wave, a startup foundry that creates novel software products from scratch designed to solve problems in the world. Spencer has a Ph.D. in applied math from New York University, with a specialty in machine learning, and a Bachelor of Science degree from Columbia University. Spencer’s work has been featured by numerous major media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal, the Independent, the New York Times, Lifehacker, Gizmodo, Fast Company, and the Financial Times.

Connect with Spencer Greenberg: Website | Twitter | Clearer Thinking Podcast | The Intrinsic Values Test

If you enjoyed this conversation with Spencer, check out these other episodes:

Tiny Habits for Behavior Change with BJ Fogg

Behavior Change with Dr. John Norcross

How to Integrate Behavior Change with Your Values with Spencer Greenberg

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Episode Transcript:

Spencer Greenberg 00:00  If your friend asks you for feedback on their play and you know that they want to be told, oh, it was great, it was fantastic. But that’s not how you honestly feel. Well, there’s a fundamental trade off. You have to decide how much does it matter to you to prioritize them feeling good about what you say versus being honest?

Chris Forbes 00:00:07  Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts. We have quotes like garbage in, garbage out or you are what you think ring true. And yet for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking. Our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf.

Eric Zimmer: 00:00:49  Spencer Greenberg tested 20 habit change techniques on hundreds of people tracking who stuck with their habits and who didn’t? 15 of the 20. Strategies failed outright, including one with years of research behind it. So what worked? Spencer tells the story in this conversation, and the answer might be simpler than you would expect. It fits the way that he thinks. No silver bullets, just a toolbox and the skill of knowing which tool fits which moment. His new book, The 12 Levers, sorts nearly 500 self-help methods into 12 strategies, and we spend the hour walking through them. I’m Eric Zimmer, and this is the one you feed. Hello, Spencer. Welcome back.

Spencer Greenberg 00:01:37  Thanks for having me, Eric.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:39  Yeah. You were a guest. I don’t know how long ago. I’m terrible with time, but it’s probably been for four years by now.

Spencer Greenberg 00:01:45  Something like that.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:46  Yeah. Yeah, but I’m happy to have you on because we’re going to be discussing your latest book, which is called The 12 Levers The Complete Psychological Toolkit for improving your life. And one of the things that I love about your work in general is that you’re really, really good at synthesizing a lot of different information, finding patterns, and laying it out in a really useful way. And this book is yet another example of that, and we’ll get into it in a moment. But we’ll start, like we always do, with the parable. And in the parable there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two roles inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops. They think about it for a second. They look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

Spencer Greenberg 00:02:54  Since I know that you always ask about that. I was reflecting on it this morning and thinking, well, what does this mean to me? And it actually got me thinking in a different direction than I ever thought about it before. So I appreciated that prompt. And I started thinking, what makes the bad wolf bad? And my thinking was, okay.

Spencer Greenberg 00:03:11  The bad wolf has fear, the bad wolf has greed, the bad wolf has hatred. But what are those things? Well, greed is desire that’s excessive. And desire itself is not bad, right? And hatred is anger that’s gotten excessive a lot of times. And anger isn’t necessarily bad. It can be bad, but it could be righteous anger that’s actually justified. That helps motivate useful actions. And so I started thinking, maybe the bad wolf is bad because it’s been fed too much. Maybe it’s not just the dichotomy of oh, don’t feed the bad wolf. It’s like you’ve overfed the bad wolf, and that’s what’s made it bad.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:44  I love that I don’t think anybody has said exactly that thing, and I couldn’t agree more. I mean, the more I think about life, the more convinced I become that most any trait, its best expression is, you know, somewhere in between too much of it and it’s a problem, too little of it. And it’s a problem. And I think you’re exactly right.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:04  Like desire is natural, normal, and actually part of the positive energy that moves us. And too much of it is greed. That’s a really great take. Okay, let’s move into the book because I want to just read what you say here. You say the premise of the book is that from a bird’s eye view, all self-help techniques collapse into just 12 broad strategies. We call these the 12 levers. If you know the 12 levers, understand how to apply them and put them into action, you can meaningfully improve your life. So talk to me about the difference first between a technique and a strategy, or what you’re calling a lever.

Spencer Greenberg 00:04:52  Yeah, a lot of times self-improvement books, they talk about stories about the person’s life, and that’s understandable. It provides motivation, and it can also make you connect with the reader and so on. And sometimes it talks about theory. But in my view, a lot of times the most useful aspects are actually the techniques which are the concrete, specific things that you can do, because that’s actually what you have control over, right? You can do the technique, you can’t do the story, you can’t do the theory, you can do the technique.

Spencer Greenberg 00:05:19  And the way this book began is my colleague Jeremy Stevenson and I, we had this intuition that we kept seeing similar patterns throughout self-improvement. We’re both self-improvement fanatics. We love trying to improve ourselves and learning about different methods. And we were like, but what’s the sort of high level meta on it all? What’s sort of the underpinning patterns? So we set out to write this book by first reviewing over 100 different self-improvement books and taking every single method that they give you and everything they say to do and extracting it. And from this we generated this database of almost 500 different methods. We also include therapies like cognitive behavioral Therapy Act and so on as well. So we have this giant database of all the different techniques. And then we start asking ourselves okay what’s the pattern here. And as we start categorizing them carefully that’s where we came up. The 12 levers, these 12 psychological strategies. And each of them is very broad and each encompassing dozens or sometimes even hundreds of different techniques. But that kind of gives you the meta pattern.  And then for each of the levers we can talk about, well, how do you apply that in the most useful way?

Eric Zimmer 00:06:22  And I’m assuming that the best self-help book written in the last 50 years, namely mine, did not make it in time for the analysis.

Spencer Greenberg 00:06:31  Unfortunately not. It was a little. It took us too long to write our book.

Eric Zimmer 00:06:34  kidding! Okay, I love this and because I like to do pattern matching too. And I’ve, you know, had so many of these interviews and interviewed so many different people. But what I love is that I think you have a very rigorous mind for this. So I really appreciated the way you went about this. And I think the thing for us to do is just cover as many of the different levers as we can in our next period of time. So I’m going to start with the first one, because I think it is the most foundational one to to any of the rest of them making sense. And the first lever is called unravel the causes, understand the problem. Talk to me about this.

Spencer Greenberg 00:07:16  Yeah. So a lot of times when people are struggling with something, they think they understand what the thing is that they’re struggling with, but actually there’s a deeper level of understanding that they haven’t fully unlocked. And that deeper level of understanding can be game changing. To give a silly example, suppose your clock is not working and you just try changing things at random like you replace the batteries. It still doesn’t work. You try moving the wheel, you know, you move it around quickly and it doesn’t work. You bang on it, it doesn’t work. But it turns out that one of the gears is missing. Well, until you figure out that gear is missing, it’s hopeless. You’re never going to fix that clock. But as soon as you recognize. Oh, it’s that gear that’s missing. Well, now you can solve it. And I think many of life’s challenges are like that, where we kind of have a vague understanding. The clock’s not working, but if we dive deeper, it actually can give us a causal story that lets us take strategic actions that actually work.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:05  So let’s apply this to what a lot of people go to self-help for, which is I don’t feel good inside. Right? I might be able to categorize it as sadness or depression or anxiety, but those are still very broad problems. How would someone do you think maybe start going about applying this lever to that vague of a feeling, which is like, I want to change because I don’t like how I feel?

Spencer Greenberg 00:08:34  Yeah. So in the 12 levers book, we give a number of specific strategies you can walk through to help you unravel these causes. But I’ll walk you through one now, which is the ABC Technique, which is a really powerful one. And you start with the A, the activating events. And the question is when do you feel that thing? Let’s suppose we’re dealing with sadness. When do you feel sadness? Try to get really specific because presumably you don’t feel sad every second of every day. So there’s a moment when you start feeling sad throughout the day, even if you feel sad a lot. What preceded that moment? You know, did you just miss a call from a friend? Do you just have a conversation with your partner? Did you just go to your job? And for different people, that’s going to be very different things. And noticing what the activating event is. The clue, it’s a hint. Why are you feeling sad? And this brings us to the B, which are beliefs which can also include thoughts. Because often after the activating event, there’s something happening internally. There’s some thought you’re having next. It may not always be an explicit thought. You know, you hear a voice in your mind, but there’s some kind of implicit thought. A lot of times. And so the question is what is that thought? So for example, let’s suppose you find that you tend to feel sad at work, but not when you’re at home. Okay. That’s interesting. Well, what is that thought when you’re about to go to work? That’s about your work. When the sadness starts coming on, is it? Oh, man, I’m never going to have the career I want.

Spencer Greenberg 00:09:53  Or is it? Oh, geez. Like, I’m so sad that I didn’t get that promotion or, you know, it could be so many different things for different people. But noticing what that belief is that actually the second kind of critical step to unlocking the causal story. And then the final piece is the see in the ABC method, which is consequences. So how are you behaving based on this and what are the emotional consequences? You know, what’s actually happening to you as a result. And applying this is the simple technique, but applying it can help you figure out what’s really going on. And that can help you make better strategies to solve it.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:28  Yeah, I think that’s really valuable advice because getting specific allows us to at least approach part of the problem. We may need to do ABCs in four different ways before we fully puzzle it out, but it’s the nonspecific nature of things that often make it so challenging. Later in the book, you talk about choice points, which I talk about in my book, and one of the benefit of a choice point, which is kind of when you’re on the horns of making a decision, is that you can narrow into that moment.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:58  It gives you a slice of time to examine what’s going on inside you. That that makes it not this general I was thinking about. For me, I have this one, and I’m just giving an example kind of to give listeners over one from my own life. And I’ve shared it before, but I have this thought that will pop into my head from time to time. It’s a sequence of words that shows up, and they are some version of basically, I wish I was dead and I was like, what on earth is that? And when I when I traced it back, I realized it’s when I don’t know the answer to something.

Spencer Greenberg 00:11:39  Oh. Interesting.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:40  Right. And then, you know, the consequence of that is. Then I’m kind of walking around with that mood. When I saw it, I was like, oh, I see what it is. And now I mostly can laugh at it because it’s oftentimes something like, I can’t decide whether it’s a day to shampoo my hair, and my brain is like, I wish I was dead. And I’m like, settle down. But getting specific.

Spencer Greenberg 00:12:02  So interesting about it. There’s that connection there for you, right? Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:12:05  Or the other way that triggers is if I know I have to disappoint someone. So for whatever reason and I could go back and unpack childhood reasons, all that is true, which could be valuable. But also just knowing that like, oh, this is exactly what it is when that comes up. And I’ve just learned how I talk to myself in those moments that mostly now I just kind of notice the thought. I’m like, that’s odd, and I glide by it. But for a long time I didn’t understand that mechanism.

Spencer Greenberg 00:12:35  Yeah, that’s such a good example. And there might even be deeper causes to unlock, saying, well, why is it that when you don’t know what to do, you have those specific thoughts rather than someone else could just feel frustration or annoyance or whatever, but you’re having that specific thought. So there might be something interesting and you may well have unpacked it already, but there could be further to explore to figure out the deeper cause.

Eric Zimmer 00:12:55  Yeah, exactly. What I noticed was when I got sober the second time, the thought was, I need a drink. That’s what that caused. And when that thought kind of got washed out with the, you know, basically I don’t drink anymore. And I have it for a while, that thought kind of died down. And then this other one, which actually sounds worse. You’re like, wish you were dead. That’s serious, came in its place. But that actually, I think is probably closer to what the original thoughts were for me way back before I ever drank. Yeah.

Spencer Greenberg 00:13:28  That’s interesting.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:29  Okay, I also want to do the bright spot analysis aspect of this of unravel the causes, understand the problem because I think this is a different frame but can also be really useful.

Spencer Greenberg 00:13:44  Yeah. So a lot of times when people have recurring problems, they think, oh, I’m always this way or, you know, I’m always unhappy or, you know, I never feel good anymore. And then the question is always, are you sure? It’s always because what if is that always? And let’s pay attention to that.

Spencer Greenberg 00:13:59  Are there times when you actually do feel happy, even if it’s not that often or not that happy? And those can be really interesting to zoom in on. So this is the bright spot analysis. It’s looking for the times when there are positive exceptions and saying what can we learn from that? When you did last feel happy even if you don’t usually ever feel happy, what was going on? Who were you with? What were you doing? And this might actually unlock something about why you’re struggling to feel happy.

Eric Zimmer 00:14:24  Yeah, I love that. You know, a lot of what I end up talking with people about is like behaviors, you know, how do we change our behaviors and when one way of looking at a challenge around solving a behavior is to look at the times that it didn’t work. You know, why didn’t I do it? What happened? But it is equally instructive to look back and go, what was happening like when I was consistent with that thing for three weeks? What was happening? How was that working? Because there’s a lot to learn from both. You know, obviously the times that were not successful, but the times we are really valuable.

Spencer Greenberg 00:15:01  We have some really interesting data on this actually.

Eric Zimmer 00:15:03  So please.

Spencer Greenberg 00:15:03  We ran a giant study on habit formation asking the question, what really helps people stick to their habits over the next 4 to 8 weeks? And we tried many different things. We actually tested 20 different techniques in this giant study on hundreds of people tracking them and how well they stuck to their habits. And fascinatingly, most of the techniques failed. About 15 out of the 20 totally bombed. They didn’t help people at all, but the single most promising technique that came out of our research is one that we call habit reflection. And it’s actually based on this idea that you’re talking about. You think about a habit you succeeded at in the past, and then you say to yourself, what did I do that helped me succeed at that habit? Was it that I told a friend about it? Was it that I wrote a note on my mirror? Whatever it was, then you write down and I really would recommend writing it down.

Spencer Greenberg 00:15:51  Not just saying in your head, how can I apply what I learned from that habit to this new habit I’m trying to form? And when we had people do that, they actually stuck with the habit more reliably and were more satisfied with their habit by the end. And it’s such a simple technique, you can do it in five minutes. It seems to work really quite well.

Eric Zimmer 00:16:08  I’m glad to hear that that is what worked. What are some of the ones that just bombed?

Spencer Greenberg 00:16:13  Oh man. Well, one of the ones that we thought was going to work because there’s a lot of evidence for it in the research literature, is we thought that the whoop technique would work. Well. You think about what you’re trying to achieve, you think about an obstacle, it stands in your way. Then you make a specific kind of effect and plan of like when that obstacle comes up. I’m going to do this to solve it. And there’s a lot of evidence that can work for different things. But in our study, it totally bombed.  It didn’t work. And I don’t know why. I don’t know whether it’s just in this particular application for habit formation, it doesn’t work as well, or if the research is going to overstate its effectiveness or it was just an unlucky fluke. So I don’t want to say it doesn’t work in general, but.

Eric Zimmer 00:16:51  Well, my thought and the way I approach that sort of if then planning, like here’s what I’m going to do, is that it’s only part of the thing. It alone as a technique isn’t sufficient, right? It’s a tool that helps bolster lots of other strategies that actually do work. But I wouldn’t say as a strategy on its own, it would necessarily be effective. I think that’s the thing that gets so tricky about so many of these things, right, is it’s like, well, if you’ve got 20 interventions, does 18 work good? If it’s paired with four and three, which is why all the data is so valuable. And then what works for me? Because we’re different.

Spencer Greenberg 00:17:33  Absolutely. And I think this is something that’s honestly a huge misconception in the self-improvement world in general. I don’t think you make you have this misconception, but I think a lot of people do that. There’s going to be a silver bullet. And, you know, there are a lot of people out there being like, I did this one thing and it changed my life and everyone needs to do it. And they’re like, okay, hold on. Even if it’s a really good technique, even if it’s really effective, it’s still not going to work for everyone, guaranteed. It’s not going to work for everyone. You’re going to need to try different things. And some people, they’re going to try it, okay, it’s gonna be amazing. And then a bunch of people who try it, it doesn’t work for that.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:26  Yeah. One of my favorite sort of anecdotes or stories about this is Jack Kornfield. The The Meditation teacher tells a story about one of his teachers named Ajahn Chah. It is a Thai forest monastery. And one of the students went to Ajahn Chah and said, like, what’s going on? I ask you a question. You tell me this, but he asks you a question, you tell him something different. And Ajahn Chah says, look, if I see somebody walking down the road and they’re way off to the left and they’re going to fall in the ditch to the left, I say, go right, go right. If I see somebody else who’s walking along the far right and is about to fall into the ditch that way, I said, go left, go left. And I love that story because it just shows that what we need just depends on where we are, who we are, what the circumstances are, and I. But I don’t think that means that work isn’t valuable, like the kind of work that you’re doing or hopefully the work that I’m doing, because it does give you ideas and thoughts. But ultimately what works for you is the the indicator. And it’s part of what I love about your work is I do think there’s not always nearly enough nuance in this field.  And I love the nuance and thought that you bring to what you do.

Spencer Greenberg 00:19:36  Oh thank you. Thank you, I appreciate that. And I think that kind of thinking also motivates the toolbox approach, which is really what I prefer. Not all techniques are equally good. I don’t think all techniques should be taught, but I do think that there’s a powerful toolbox of techniques that, yes, almost everyone should know about. And because you don’t know which of them are going to work for you or in which situation, but having the full set of tools is really good. And that’s what we really try to do. In the 12 levers in the book. We try to teach you the toolbox.

Eric Zimmer 00:20:03  Yeah, it is a very systematic guide to the tools to pull out. Let’s go in order for a second lever, too, because I think it’s a pretty big one. Right?

Spencer Greenberg 00:20:11  I think it’s a you lever also.

Eric Zimmer 00:20:13  Yeah, yeah. Uncover your guiding foundations. Clarify what matters most. Talk to me about this one.

Spencer Greenberg 00:20:20  Yeah. So this is an interesting one where me and my co-author have a little bit of a different perspective, and then we kind of bring them together because I think they’re complementary. I’m a really big values person. And in particular, I like to think about intrinsic values, which are the things that you value most fundamentally. You value them for your own sake. You’d want them even if they got you nothing else. So examples would be maybe people value their own pleasure, but they also value like love and connection. They value freedom. They value longevity. I think humans tend to have lots of values, but they’re different for different people. And some people will have, you know, a strong value of freedom. Some people that won’t be so important, but they’ll really value love and connection and so on. And so I really emphasize trying to figure out not just what you value, but what you intrinsically value. Because most of what we value, we don’t value it fundamentally. We value because it gets us other things.

Spencer Greenberg 00:21:06  So for example, you know, someone values having a car. Well, why do they want a car? Do they intrinsically value a car? No. They value because it gives them the freedom to go do things, evaluate because they think it’s going to give them social status because it’s a cool car or whatever it is. So I really have an emphasis on trying to understand your intrinsic values. And in fact, we have a free intrinsic values test on our website, Clearer Thinking org, which you can check out if you’re curious. It helps you figure out your intrinsic values. But my co-author, he really likes to approach this a little bit differently by thinking in terms of priorities like what is your life priority right now? Do you want to focus on fitness and health? You know, do you want to focus on developing your interpersonal relationships? And so we kind of hybridize that together and call it your guiding foundations. Your guiding foundations has really three parts to it has your intrinsic values. It has your priorities.  But then also there’s another part which is your principles, which are basically rules of thumb about how you want to make decisions that help you support your values and priorities, such as you might have a principle of like always try to tell the truth or principle of family comes first, and that’s trying to put your values and your priorities into action in your daily decisions.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:09  So is it safe to say that the guiding principle is what you said? It’s sort of a way of combining those two into a simple statement.

Spencer Greenberg 00:22:19  Yeah, it’s sort of where the rubber meets the road because. Okay, okay. You’ve got these values and these priorities, but like how do you put them into action in your life. And your principles are basically saying you’re going to pre decide how you’re going to use them so that you do so effectively. So for example, if one of your strongest intrinsic values is truth or honesty, then you might have a principle around always try to tell the truth. And then when you have a decision to make about what do I do in this situation.  Well, you just pull your principle, oh, I’m going to tell the truth. Like that’s my principle, right? And so it actually makes it easier than having to go back to your values every single time.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:53  I have like a guiding principle, which is to try and leave any person place thing situation better than it was when I got there. I’m not saying in any way, shape or form, I do it all the time. It’s just a very simple question to ask myself and give me like an opportunity to do something. And I think having some of those is really good. I love that you’re bringing these two things together, because I do think that people often get these mixed up, you know, a value being I value kindness, a priority being my family.

Spencer Greenberg 00:23:27  Exactly.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:28  And I haven’t heard it articulated that way. But to me I’ve got kind of both those things happening inside me at any given time. As you know, from having read my book and interviewed me, I’ve got a whole section on kind of finding these values and I’ve got exercises in the book, but I love your intrinsic values. Talk to me about the values wheel because I think this is important.

Spencer Greenberg 00:23:50  Yeah. So we actually did research on trying to figure out what are all the things that people intrinsically value. And remember, these are the deepest values. So they’re the ultimate goal of why you value other things. Right. And you might think, well, maybe there’s like a million different things that people intrinsically value. Or you might think, oh, there’s only one true thing. At the end of the day that everyone dies. But we found something in between. We found that there in our research, where we got people to submit what they thought they intrinsically valued. After going through a little training module to teach them about what intrinsic values are. We found about 3000, but then we realized most of them were duplicates or very similar to each other. So we did duplicate it and we analyzed it all, and we were able to boil them down to 22 different categories. And in each category there can be multiple specific ones.

Spencer Greenberg 00:24:32  But that’s kind of a way of grouping it and saying, okay, there’s quite a few different intrinsic values people have, and most people value each of these things at least a little bit. But people differ a lot, basically, on how strong each of their intrinsic values are. Some people have much stronger ones in one area than another. So for example, some people have really strong spiritual values and some people have like no spiritual values. Some people have really strong nature related values and people have no nature related values.

Eric Zimmer 00:24:55  Now I’ve seen another value wheels I think, which sort of talks about how values that are on opposite sides of the wheel often conflict with each other. Is yours have that or is yours is just more of a general categorization?

Spencer Greenberg 00:25:10  Well, most of the ways that people categorize values don’t distinguish intrinsic versus just values in general. So I think that’s what makes ours really distinctive, because we’re really only going to the deepest, the deepest part of values. Yeah. But I would argue that every intrinsic value can conflict with every other intrinsic value.

Spencer Greenberg 00:25:27  It’s not always equally likely to conflict, but I think they really can. And the reason is because you can always be in a situation where you have to choose between two of them. Do you go spend time out in nature, or do you go working hard to try to make money? Right? Well, the first could support a nature value and the second could support an achievement type value.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:44  Yeah, I talk about this like two of my fundamental values that sit very opposite each other. One is I have a value for I call it adventure. You could call it novelty, I don’t know, I mean, we could call it different things. And I also have a value of like being able to appreciate any moment I’m in exactly as it is. And these two pull on each other, you know, in your own life. How do you think about okay I’m facing a values to values conflict. How do you think about choosing you know, do you have any method in your mind?

Spencer Greenberg 00:26:20  Well, the first thing I like to try to do is really clarify what values are at stake. And often this actually makes the decision a lot easier, because the way we think about it naturally may not be in that form. A funny thing happened with a friend a number of years ago, where she was feeling really unhappy, and she came to me and asked to talk about it, and she knew it had something to do with her boyfriend, but she was very vague on like what exactly it was. And so I said to her, okay, so you think it’s related to your boyfriend? Let’s write down the ways that your boyfriend is like a really good person, right? What is the what are the values that that he reflects? And she wrote them down and I said, okay, I want you to write down your values now. And she wrote those down. And there was essentially no overlap in the lists. And then I said, okay, write down your parents values. And she wrote them down. It was like almost a perfect match to her boyfriend. I was like, okay, I think I maybe have identified the problem here.

Spencer Greenberg 00:27:09  You’re dating the person your parents would have chosen for you, rather than the person who reflects your deeper values. And just that was enough to really, I think, give her a lot of like, oh, we’ll have clarity on it, because once she’d framed it in terms of values, yes, there was a values conflict, but it made it so much easier. Right.

Eric Zimmer 00:27:25  Yeah. Those are fundamental challenges. My last marriage, I think, was one where we just had truly different values, which meant no amount of surface fixes that we would apply to the marriage, which we tried, would actually work because we just simply disagreed on what was important. I’m not going to say that having that disagreement is impossible to solve. In my case, it was right. They were so different from each other that it was the core problem, not me or her. Just like, okay, this match isn’t going well.

Spencer Greenberg 00:27:59  I think just to kind of add to that. So in your case, you found out, you know, you have this fundamental values conflict, right? Okay.  In a lot of decisions we make, there will be fundamental values, conflicts. Like literally by promoting one value, you’re weakening another value. And I think there one thing that can be clarifying is to just recognize there isn’t a right answer. The answer is just on how much you value each of those things fundamentally. Right. There’s no correct objective answer for all people across all time. Of how much honesty is worth. How much harm? Right. If your friend asks you for feedback on their play and you know that they want to be told, oh, it was great, it was fantastic. But that’s not how you honestly feel. Well, there’s a fundamental trade off. You have to decide how much does it matter to you to prioritize them feeling good about what you say versus being honest?

Eric Zimmer 00:28:47  Yeah. And I think that basic statement is part of what makes life a challenge, right. Is that, like, these things don’t resolve themselves. They don’t just disappear. But I agree with you.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:59  I think being able to name them and know what values are at stake, it at least clarifies. And then for me, knowing there isn’t a resolution and like you said, there isn’t a right answer helps me just to relax a little bit around it and go, okay, no, no value gets honored perfectly all the time. There’s a there’s just a trade off between things.

Spencer Greenberg 00:29:21  Exactly. And I find just for my own values that if I neglect one it starts pulling harder. Right. Like, let’s say I’m not spending too much time with my, you know, my personal relationships. And they’re weakening a little bit. But I’m seeing a lot of time of achievement. Then I start feeling like actually, human connection is more valuable to me. I think that’s just something about our natures as humans that if we neglect values, that they tend to become more important.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:48  Before we dive back into the conversation, let me ask you something. What’s one thing that has been holding you back lately? You know that it’s there. You’ve tried to push past it, but somehow it keeps getting in the way. You’re not alone in this, and I’ve identified six major saboteurs of self-control things like autopilot behavior, self-doubt, emotional escapism that quietly derail our best intentions. But here’s the good news you can outsmart them. And I’ve put together a free guide to help you spot these hidden obstacles and give you simple, actionable strategies that you can use to regain control. Download the free guide now at oneyoufeed.net/ebook and take the first step towards getting back on track. 

All right. I’m going to move us forward a little bit. And I’d like to talk about lever five. Approach the monster gradually confront your fears.

Spencer Greenberg 00:30:46  Yeah. So it’s really incredible the extent to which people are prevented from living by their values, by negative emotions and fear being the the most common one. But it could be other ones as well. It could be, you know, feelings of awkwardness or all kinds of negative emotions. And there’s this spiral that happens. It’s really common.

Spencer Greenberg 00:31:04  And I can talk about how it’s happened to me as well, where because you fear something, you avoid it, and when you avoid it, you get an immediate relief. And then that reinforces the behavior. Just like any kind of, you know, reinforcement. And then you avoid even more in the future and your kind of life gets smaller and smaller and smaller. Yeah. When I was young, I had really bad social anxiety, and it would get triggered in specific circumstances. For instance, if I was like at an event and I thought about talking to a stranger there, my heart would start pounding in my chest to the point where, like, I thought I was going to die. You know, it was like it was so intense at times. It would be so bad. It almost felt debilitating. And when I was finally in my early 20s, I said, I got to do something about this. This is ridiculous. Like, I’ve been dealing with this since childhood. And I went to a therapist and the therapist said, okay, I can help you, no problem.

Spencer Greenberg 00:31:52  But you’re not necessarily going to like the solution. I said, well, what’s the solution? He said, I’m going to give you homework. You’re going to go to bars every weekend. You’re not going to drink alcohol, you’re just going to go sober. You’re going to introduce yourself to five different strangers. And I thought, oh my God, that sounds impossible. And we started small gradually, right? We didn’t jump right in. The first thing was, okay, go up to people and ask what time it is, right? Really simple. What time is it? And then it was like a little harder. Go up to them and say, hey, what are you drinking? That looks good. And then at the end, the culmination has got harder and harder. The culmination was I would go up to men and say, hey, I know this is a weird question, but can I give you a hug? And my brain predicted like I was, you know, I was going to die, like they were going to kill me or whatever.

Spencer Greenberg 00:32:37  And the worst reaction I got was like a laugh, you know? Like, you know, nobody ever slugged me in the face. And it was remarkably effective. Like, really, ever since then, my anxiety has just been shockingly less around these kinds of scenarios. Now, I’m not going to say I have no social anxiety, but it’s kind of hilarious sometimes to be in a situation involving social things. And I’ll be like, I actually think less stress than the average person here was just kind of amazing.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:26  I had a moment yesterday. I was at a conference, and normally you put me in a room at a conference with a bunch of people you don’t know. Is about the only time that I think to myself, boy, a drink would actually help this situation. But I just had a moment where I realized I walked up to someone who I identified, and it was somebody I wanted to talk to. I walked up, I introduced myself, I started talking, I interacted in a fairly fluid way.  I cracked a joke, and as I was walking away, I was like, wow, that’s a lot of progress. Like, I still don’t quote unquote like it. But I’m so far beyond where I was. And again, I think the way that I have gotten there is by just doing it a lot. You talk about when it comes to this, there are two contrasting forms of this exposure therapy. One is called flooding. The other, it sounds like the one that you did is gradual exposure. Is there any evidence that flooding is a good idea?

Spencer Greenberg 00:34:26  So flooding will you just, you know, jump right in right into the deep end can actually work remarkably well for some people. But it does have some really big drawbacks, which are that people are much more likely to just abandon ship in the middle, and that can actually reinforce their fears more. So generally, it’s usually not advisable. The other thing is it just can be so difficult. A lot of people aren’t willing to do it.

Spencer Greenberg 00:34:47  There’s a funny example I like to give here, which is imagine you’re scared of snakes and there are some non deadly but very scary looking snakes and you accidentally trip and fall into the pit of snakes. So the snakes all around you. But they’re not harmful. Now you’re going to be absolutely freaking out. But what do you think’s going to happen by hour 19 in the pit? Like, let’s assume that, you know.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:08  Assuming you don’t have a full psychic break.

Spencer Greenberg 00:35:10  Yeah. Like you’re actually going to be bored at some point. You’re just gonna be sitting in the pit like, oh, you wait till morning until they come and get me, you know? Now, you might be worried about other things like, you know, people finding you or whatever, but like, weirdly, your brain is just gonna burn out on the fear. You just cannot be afraid for that long. And there’s a pretty good chance at the end of that, as long as you really, genuinely get to the point where you’re truly bored by the snakes after enough hours, you might actually not be afraid of snakes anymore.

Spencer Greenberg 00:35:33  You might be afraid of pits. That’s another thing.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:35  Well, what happens though when you have an encounter like that? Like, let’s say you were thrown in the pit with the snakes and pulled out 20 minutes later.

Spencer Greenberg 00:35:45  See, there, you’ll probably be more afraid.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:46  You’re going to.

Spencer Greenberg 00:35:46  Be more.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:47  Irony.

Spencer Greenberg 00:35:47  Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:49  It’s funny, I have been thinking about this in relation to spiders. I don’t like spiders. I mean, it’s not like I see a tiny spider and I lose my shit, but a spider of a decent size deeply disconcerts me, and I started to think, maybe I should do spider exposure therapy, because I just simply don’t want to be bothered by it. Again, it’s not a problem I run into that often, but it’s also the sort of thing that makes me think, like, I’m not going to go hiking in the Australian outback, for Christ’s sake, because there’s going to be some big spiders out there. And I would love to. You know, I just don’t like anything that I feel like limits me.  So I’ve contemplated spider exposure therapy.

Spencer Greenberg 00:36:27  It’s very effective. It’s very likely that you could learn to really not fear spiders or just tremendously reduce your fear fairly quickly in, you know, maybe eight sessions, something like that. And you kind of make a gradual exposure plan. And, you know, we go through all the details in the 12 levers, but you basically can make a plan where you start with like level one, what gives you a kind of a bit of discomfort around spiders? Like, I don’t know, maybe it would be like the word picture or the word. Okay. There you go. There you go. The word. Okay. So no, literally the word. That’s fine. So you literally would expose yourself to the word of spiders, and you kind of sit with that fear. And the idea is that you specifically don’t leave. Right. You got to sit with that fear until it starts coming down, and then you do it again. Okay. Look at the word again.

Spencer Greenberg 00:37:07  So with the fear until it goes down, etc., that might be level one. What would be level two for you? Like a little bit more stressful probably.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:12  Pictures.

Spencer Greenberg 00:37:13  Yeah. Okay a picture. Yeah. A picture maybe of a not horrendously ugly spider or something like that. And then you’re going to a level two. You’re going to practice just looking at the picture. Sit with the fear, you know. Don’t look away. Like look. Sit with it. Wait for the fear to start to fade. And then do it again. Maybe the next day. And you kind of build up and eventually, you know, you might get to. Maybe you’re going to go to a store that sells scary spiders, and you’re going to get right up to the cave to them. And maybe eventually, if you really want to get all the way and really cure, eventually you’re going to take a non deadly spider. It has to be non non non.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:43  Deadly non deadly.

Spencer Greenberg 00:37:44  And you’re going to put on your hand and you’re going to sit with it until you’re not afraid anymore.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:48  Yeah, I know the gradual nature of change enough to believe that would occur. And I’m like, yeah, right up to that last one. I’m like, all right, no, no. But well.

Spencer Greenberg 00:37:58  Okay. Part of the benefit of that hierarchy is also that at every step it doesn’t feel like that.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:02  Exactly.

Spencer Greenberg 00:38:03  The word doesn’t feel that scary, right? A picture isn’t that scary. But by the time you get to the highest step, which right now might feel horrendous, you’ve already gone to the level below, so it no longer feels like a giant step. Just you’re just walking up.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:16  Yep, there’s a lot more stuff in this chapter that’s really good about treating exposures and experiment, dropping safety behaviors, the stretch zone. But we’re going to move on because I think we’ve covered this well enough for now. And amazingly, time is just slipping bias. Do you have a favorite? Which one do you want to talk about? I’m picking, but what do you got? What happens to you right now?

Spencer Greenberg 00:38:37  One thing I picked this in part because it’s really important to me, but I think it’s so important to do is acceptance.  And this comes up in our lever 11 choose your attitude. And it’s really about the idea that you can do all these things to try to improve your life. But sometimes the only thing left to do is to change the way that you look at things, and that it can be monumentally powerful to change the way you look at things and be like, wait for now. For this moment. I’m not going to try to change the world at all. I’m just going to try to change the way I look at the world so that it’s more healthy and helpful to me. And under that, the idea of cultivating acceptance, I think, is just really powerful.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:15  Just so people know, like you’ve got one on optimism, acceptance, stoic resilience, appreciation and kindness. But let’s talk about acceptance. My experience in the courses that I’ve taught over the years, one of the pillars is, you know, this ability to accept, and it is the one that people most say they have the hardest time with.  It’s even higher than self-compassion as a thing like it is a real struggle. What are some techniques that can get me moving in that direction.

Spencer Greenberg 00:39:47  I think one of the first things people struggle with is they think, well, to accept something that would mean you want the thing to be that way, and you can understand why people think that, but that’s actually not true. You can accept horrendous things, like, for example, you can accept the fact that you’re going to die without wanting to die, or without being okay, or without wanting to die or without thinking. It’s like a good thing that you die, right? And so I think that’s the first thing is acceptance is distinct from desiring something, right?

Eric Zimmer 00:40:13  Or approving even.

Spencer Greenberg 00:40:15  Or approving or approving. Like you can accept that there’s evil in the world and you can still work to combat it even though you accept it. Right.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:22  Okay. So that’s part of it. You talk about a two step process. You say identify resistance in all its forms, then release it by doing the opposite.  And and you list rumination, distraction, avoidance and fantasy as some of those resistance. So how do I use this. Identify my resistance and then do the opposite of it. Give me an example.

Spencer Greenberg 00:40:46  Right. Right. So what’s something in your life that you might. Maybe now or in the past you’ve struggled to accept?

Eric Zimmer 00:40:53  The reason this question gets tricky for me is that I actually, the more I look at this question, the more I realize that I’m both accepting and changing. Oftentimes the same thing. The thing that came to my mind was, for whatever reason, I’ve been on a streak of about a week of higher than average pain in anywhere in my posterior chain. Right. My hip. My, my.

Spencer Greenberg 00:41:15  That’s a good one. Pain. It is really hard to accept, but I think it’s actually a really good example. And I also right now I’m dealing with pretty significant daily pain. And so it’s I literally think about this using this technique on a daily basis for my pain. So maybe we should talk about its application to pain.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:30  Let’s do it.

Spencer Greenberg 00:41:31  Yeah. So here’s a very bizarre thing that you may have noticed, but many people will not have noticed unless they’ve paid really close attention, which is that if you try to say, well, what does pain actually feel like? And you really zoom down. These are the words zoom a lot in this conversation, but you really zoom down on the exact sensations of it. You can start to notice that there’s sort of two aspects to what you’re experiencing. There’s the literal sensation like what exactly it feels like, and then there’s sort of cognition around it. Like, this is bad, this sucks. Maybe it might not be verbalized for everyone, and it could just be like a sense of wanting to get away from it or to push it away, trying to make it stop. Those two layers, they could come together. So we often just think of them as one thing. Well, that’s what pain is. But if you start separating those layers, you realize that one of those layers is actually the resistance layer.

Spencer Greenberg 00:42:21  It’s the I want to get rid of this. And for example, if you have the thought, oh man, this sucks so much, am I? You know, my back hurts or whatever. That’s the resistance layer. And then you can start to notice that you’re having that thought. And then you can work from there towards acceptance, which is well what is the opposite. Well there can be different ways of approaching it. But one way to approach is to say, well, what would I say to myself instead? That cultivates an attitude of acceptance instead of oh, this sucks. Let’s say, for example, that you feel like you can live with the pain. You can say, I can live with this pain. I can heal this pain. I can still have a valuable life even when I have this pain. But it’s different for different people. There’s not like a one size fits all solution. But you have to think about what is the resistance you’re doing, which could differ for different people, and then what is the opposite of that? And that’s the acceptance frame.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:06  I quote sometimes the meditation teacher, Shenzhen Young, you probably have are aware of the equation of like he says, suffering equals pain. Times resistance and suffering is just like the total amount of yuck around something is kind of the way I think of it. Pain is the like you said, the actual sensations and then the resistance is like everything I’m doing around that. Like you’re saying, all the cognition, whether it’s I don’t want it, whether it’s like constantly massaging my shoulder, it’s just it’s attempt to make it go away. And the reason that equation is so valuable is that if you could turn the resistance down, the total amount of yuck goes way down, and you don’t have to change the underlying pain. And that’s good news because often we can’t.

Spencer Greenberg 00:43:50  Yeah, that’s the shocking thing is it sounds really hypothetical, but you can actually try this. And if you’re able to turn down the resistance, you’re like, wow, this is just not as bad. It’s not as bad as it was a second ago and I can live with it better.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:03  Yeah. I often look at like how I’m describing the pain to myself. You know, an example I use in my book and often is when my back hurts and I’m not consciously attending to it. My brain says some version of my back is killing. That’s what it says. Now, that is not the truth, you know. Or I’ll find my brain saying something like, I just can’t stand. And I’m like, well, that’s not true either. By adjusting the language a little bit, I, I turned down recently, my mother passed and she was in chronic pain for the last decade of her life.

Spencer Greenberg 00:44:37  And sorry.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:38  Looking back on it all now and again, I didn’t know this at the time. So this is not like I’m being really hard on myself, but I would have gotten her involved in the different forms of working with her pain mentally. We spent so much time trying to make it go away and we never could. And I believe that sometimes chronic pain becomes a hardwired signal.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:02  I think that had happened to her. I mean, I tried I’d exposed her to podcasts and I would give her books and but I think I would have really leaned in on one instead of thinking we were going to get it to go away. And then by the time I really was like, well, that’s what we have to do. Her cognitive abilities just weren’t where they needed to be to be able to take on that kind of work. And so I think about that now, kind of just having ended that episode and I think about it a lot, also like why I try and focus on like meditation and the spiritual practices I do is because I’m like, pain is a common right? Like it’s not getting better from here. You know, I’m not saying like it’s going to be all pain all the time. But the general tendency is the older you get, the more things don’t work right. I just really need to keep preparing for those moments like that. My mind is capable of being resilient and flexible enough to at least minimize the suffering that I do.

Spencer Greenberg 00:45:59  Yeah, and with these kind of tools, there’s less to fear. Sometimes people talk about the second arrow, right? The first arrow is, you know, the actual pain. The second arrow is all this resistance actually makes it so much worse. Yeah. It’s like you don’t need the second arrow. You can just deal with the first arrow.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:13  Which is enough, right? I mean, there’s lots of first arrows that suck. Okay. I want to go back for a second to lever seven, because lever seven is steward your thoughts, cultivate helpful thinking, and this is another one where you divide it. You know, you go 7.17.2, because there’s a lot of material in here, and I just love to talk through the the three different parts of this briefly. The first you call cognitive restructuring, right.

Spencer Greenberg 00:46:43  So one of the things that you start to notice, if you pay a lot of attention to your thoughts, is that your thoughts are not always helpful and your thoughts are not always true. But the weird thing is that when we’re having a thought, we often get stuck in it as soon as we call it fusion, like you’re in the thought.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:59  And yet you don’t know who you are. It’s that weird state.

Spencer Greenberg 00:47:02  Exactly like you. You know, you get cut off in traffic, you think, what an asshole. And then you’re just like, living in the thought of that person being an asshole. And that is the truth. That is the truth. You know, like, maybe it turns out you actually were violating the traffic laws, and that person didn’t really cut you off. But you’re in that moment. That is the reality and that is the truth. And it’s really interesting to take a step back from your thoughts and actually have a little story about this. This is part of how I became fascinated in psychology, which became my life’s work is. I first heard about this idea in cognitive behavioral therapy, which says that when you’re having intense emotions, your thoughts tend to get distorted.

Spencer Greenberg 00:47:37  And I thought that I don’t know if I buy that. That seems a bit of a crazy claim. And so one day when I was feeling really negative emotions, I just wrote down my thoughts. And then the next day I came back to them and reread them and I was like, Holy shit! They were right. My thoughts are worded really distorted by my emotion. I had never realized in my whole life.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:56  That’s a really powerful point, though, because the way that approach is often talked about is that your thoughts cause your emotions, but you’re describing that it also works the other way around, that your emotions can cause or distort your thoughts. And I think understanding the two way nature of that street is really valuable.

Spencer Greenberg 00:48:15  Yeah, it really is a two way street. If you have a thought like, let’s take an example, an event in the world, right. Suppose you do badly on a test in school, right? And you have a thought. Oh man, I’m a failure, right? Well, that thought’s going to obviously make you feel really bad.

Spencer Greenberg 00:48:29  You can put you in a bad mood or make you feel depressed. And then when you’re depressive, that tends to produce more depressive thoughts. And so now you might have a thought like, oh, the world would just be better without me. And what’s that thought going to do? It’s gonna make you feel even worse as you get this downward spiral. Things can just get worse and worse and worse.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:47  Yeah, I noticed this years ago. I was like, okay, I get the cognitive restructuring, which is enormously valuable as a tool. But I was like, there are times I just feel crappy and I haven’t even had time to think anything yet. Like I noticed it like waking up. I was like, I just kind of wake up and it seems like there’s a weather system there. And then whatever that weather system is, is what all my thoughts look like. It’s like when I’m sick. As an example, my thoughts turn really dark when I’m sick. I can’t turn them off when I’m sick, but I at least now go, okay.

Eric Zimmer 00:49:24  This physical state of being run down physically is going to cause me to think that life has no point. And again, it’s that going both ways. Let me ask you a question. How do you go about working with this? So let’s say you notice this thing because sometimes it seems cognitive restructuring helps. Other times it seems like the emotion is ramped up too high for cognitive restructuring to work. So talk to me about when you think it’s useful and when maybe there’s a different tool you want to bring to the table. And by cognitive restructure. And I just want to use in the technical term, which basically means you examine your thoughts and you try and make them more accurate with what reality is.

Spencer Greenberg 00:50:06  Right? Yeah. I like to think of it as you want to think about replacing that thought with a thought that’s at least as accurate and more helpful, right? You don’t want to delude yourself. And this is a problem with some self-improvement literature. It’s trying to get you to delude yourself. And it’s like, that’s good.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:21  For a certain class of people. That simply does not work. And I know listeners of this podcast are those people. They’re like, I can’t believe something I don’t believe.

Spencer Greenberg 00:50:30  Absolutely. And trying to believe something that is not true also, or is exaggerated, can cause friction with the world, because that’s not the way the world works, because there’s all kinds of problems. So the idea is not to delude yourself. It’s to say another thought. It’s at least as accurate, but more helpful for this one. And there almost always is a thought like that you can generate if you take a moment to think about it. And there’s different ways to get to that thought, you know. So one technique is some people find it useful to consider the evidence for and against, and that can help them get to a more balanced thought. Other people they like to look for kind of common distortion. So there’s kind of a common list of the ways they get distorted. And you can kind of go through and see which of these distortions do I have.

Spencer Greenberg 00:51:07  But to your point, this technique tends to work when we have kind of a moderate level of emotion. As emotion gets higher and higher, it’s actually becomes difficult to engage cognitively, at least in an effective way. One way to think about it is that your emotions so intense it’s distorting your thoughts to such a high degree that it may be hard to even think in this way.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:27  Yeah. What do you recommend? Or what do you do yourself when you find yourself in that state? The way I often notice that I’m in that state is that I will try and restructure a thought, and it just my brain won’t have it right. It’s just it’s some form of like, no, it won’t engage or it just or it comes right back or I’m in an argument with myself. I’m trying to convince my brain one thing, and it’s convinced of something entirely different. And we’re not coming to terms.

Spencer Greenberg 00:51:55  Yeah. So in those really intense states, two things that tend to be effective for people are one, grounding based techniques.

Spencer Greenberg 00:52:02  They’re bringing you out of your head and into the physical reality, which could be as simple as, okay, sit. Notice three things that you can see around you. Just observe each of them. Notice three things you can hear. Observe each of them. And just grounding in the physical reality gets you out of your head and can start to settle down your system. And then the other kind of class of techniques that tends to be helpful. There are ones that use intense stimulation. That’s enough to sort of like move your attention away. And so an example of that take a cold shower can just zap you out of it. And you’re just like, now you’re focused on the coldness of the water rather than the tumult in your mind.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:39  Before we wrap up, I want you to think about this. Have you ever ended the day feeling like your choices didn’t quite match the person you wanted to be? Maybe it was autopilot mode or self-doubt that made it harder to stick to your goals. And that’s exactly why I created The Six Saboteurs of Self-control.  It’s a free guide to help you recognize the hidden patterns that hold you back and give you simple, effective strategies to break through them. If you’re ready to take back control and start making lasting changes. Download your copy now at oneyoufeed.net/ebook. Let’s make those shifts happen starting today when you book. 

If we were doing levers in order, we would have covered leaver six, which comes before leaver seven that we’re talking about, which is shift your body to shift your mind, which is all these things that you’re talking about right now, like you can use your body to, to shift your mind. For me, I’m always kind of like which it’s sort of I’m trying to determine what’s the most useful place to intervene. It’s kind of back to your toolkit idea. It’s like knowing, okay, sometimes the thing for me to do is to just allow myself to experience the emotion, feel it, then ground myself in my body, calm my nervous system, and then take the cognitive approach. Other times, the cognitive approach is like cutting something off at the root.

Eric Zimmer 00:54:04  I just look at it and I go, well, that’s not true. And the whole thing vanishes, you know? And so knowing which of those to do when is what makes this an art to a certain degree.

Spencer Greenberg 00:54:15  Absolutely. And it could differ for different people. For me, I often start with the cognitive and then I’m not making progress. I’ll switch to other techniques like moving to grounding or body awareness and that kind of thing.

Eric Zimmer 00:54:26  Yeah, I found for me that I go back and forth. Sometimes I try and on the feeling, the emotion state, because I often that’s what gets cut short in me. I’m very good at cognitively like moving myself out of a difficult space, which is in general a very good skill unless I use it as a way to constantly avoid real emotion. And so balancing those are always kind of my two things.

Spencer Greenberg 00:54:55  There’s a really interesting point here, which is that sometimes people will suppress totally valid emotions, like they’ll try to talk them down or get rid of them.

Spencer Greenberg 00:55:04  For example, let’s say you lose something that you really care about. Let’s say, let’s say your dog dies, right? And people will feel sad about that, and then they’ll be trying to talk themselves out of feeling sad or, you know, trying to use cognitive techniques on the thoughts that are sort of making them feel less bad about it. And maybe actually what they need to do is say, my dog was important to me. When you lose something that’s important, you feel sad. That is the natural emotion. And I just need to sit with that emotion and maybe remember why I care about my dog, etc. at the same time, sometimes we really have inappropriate, excessive emotions in response to things, right? Like if your dog died three years ago and you find it every single day, you’re feeling sad today as a result, then almost certainly there’s something going on and some distortion thing that’s preventing you from healing.

Eric Zimmer 00:55:51  So to kind of wrap all this up, right, we’ve got these 12 levers and your book really lays them out and it’s got the techniques underneath them.

Eric Zimmer 00:55:59  How would you suggest somebody sort of take this and start using it or some part of it. Where would somebody walk in here and start?

Spencer Greenberg 00:56:12  Yeah. It’s interesting because you might think that, oh, you should always start at the beginning, right? You know, unraveling the causes and then, you know, then work on uncovering your foundations, etc. but actually, for many people, they will have already unlocked certain parts of this, and therefore they might actually need to jump forward into a particular lever. Right. So let’s suppose you’re someone who has your life has gotten smaller and smaller and smaller because you’ve been avoiding uncomfortable emotions such as things you fear. Then I would jump right in to say, approach the monster like that’s what you need to do. You may already know what you value, but you’re not pursuing it because fear is holding you back. or suppose you’re someone who, you know, you feel bad a lot and you just feel like life sucks, but you can’t really put your finger on what sucks about it.

Spencer Greenberg 00:56:54  And it’s like, no, maybe you need to start at the beginning. Maybe you really need to look into the causes of your feelings and really get a deep causal understanding. or maybe you’re someone who is in a situation that is just unchangeable. It’s bad, it sucks, and you cannot do anything. You’ve tried everything that can be done well, then you’re going to have to work on your on shifting your attitude because that’s all that’s left. And that can actually go a long way. So then I would recommend love for 11. She’s your attitude. And that’s going back to this idea of a toolbox right. It’s so useful to have a toolbox that you can use to almost any kind of life situation. But which tool is appropriate? Well, it’s not always a hammer and it’s not always a sore. Right?

Eric Zimmer 00:57:31  Yeah. You can’t always say pull out the screwdriver, then the saw, then the hammer. Right. And so yeah. And this book is really designed very well to do that.

Eric Zimmer 00:57:39  You can open it up and like you said, look it like what resonates, you know, what feels valuable to you in that moment. Well, Spencer, you and I are going to discuss some other levers in the post-show conversation. Listeners, you will have to tune in to know what lever it is. It’s the magic lever that we haven’t talked about so far.

Spencer Greenberg 00:57:58  The one lever solve all your problems.

Eric Zimmer 00:58:00  Exactly. Know there’s no such thing. But we are going to continue to discuss a lever in the post-show conversation if you’d like access to that ad free episodes. And if you would like to help support a show that you care about. You can go to one you feed net. Spencer, thank you so much.

Spencer Greenberg 00:58:19  Yeah, thank you so much for having me. And if anyone’s interested in the book, I would love it if you check it out. 12 lovers The Complete Psychological Toolkit for Improving Your Life. And I also have a podcast called Clear Thinking. You can come listen to me interview Eric on it, as well as a lot of other fascinating thinkers.

Eric Zimmer 00:58:34  Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity, but we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the one You Feed community.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

The Tyranny of Self-Care: When Meditation Apps and Yoga Can’t Fix Burnout | Pooja Lakshmin

July 24, 2026 Leave a Comment

THE TYRANNY OF SELF CARE
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In this episode, Dr. Pooja Lakshmin challenges the modern self-care industry and explains why meditation apps, bubble baths, and wellness routines often fail to address the real causes of burnout. She shares a more meaningful approach to well-being, one built on boundaries, self-compassion, values, and power. Pooja also discusses how to let go of guilt, stop chasing perfection, and create a life that reflects what truly matters, even in a world that constantly asks us to do more.

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Key Takeaways:

  • Why modern self-care often fails to address the root causes of burnout
  • The difference between faux self-care and real self-care
  • How systems and expectations shape our well-being
  • Why boundaries are essential—not selfish
  • The hidden role guilt plays in keeping us stuck
  • Practicing self-compassion without lowering your standards
  • Aligning your choices with your deepest values
  • Reclaiming your personal power in everyday decisions
  • Building sustainable habits that support long-term well-being
  • Why true self-care helps you show up more fully for yourself and others

Pooja Lakshmin MD is a board-certified psychiatrist, New York Times contributor, and a leading voice at the intersection of mental health and gender, focused on helping women and people from marginalized communities escape the tyranny of self-care. In 2020, Lakshmin founded Gemma — a physician led women’s mental health education platform centering impact and equity. She maintains an active private practice, where she treats women struggling with burnout, perfectionism, and disillusionment, as well as clinical conditions like depression and anxiety.  She is the author of Real Self-Care:  A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness

Connect with Dr. Pooja Lakshmin: Website | Instagram | Twitter

If you enjoyed this conversation with Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, check out these other episodes

How to Set Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab

How to Integrate Behavior Change with Your Values with Spencer Greenberg

Crafting a Meaningful Life with Emily Esfahani Smith

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Episode Transcript:

Pooja Lakshmin 00:00:00  In some kind of spiritual movements or wellness movements, we tend to kind of exalt the person who has overcome the obstacle and forget that there’s going to be more obstacles.

Chris Forbes 00:00:18  Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts. We have quotes like garbage in, garbage out or you are what you think ring true. And yet for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:03  For about six years. Jenny and I went back and forth between Columbus and Atlanta every month to care for both our mothers and wherever we were. One of them wasn’t happy. I felt guilty all the time. And then one day I saw it. It was impossible to make them both happy at the same time, and that was a strange relief. Dr.  Pooja Lakshmin is a psychiatrist who works a lot with mothers, and her book real Self-care is about this boundaries and the guilt that follows after we set them. She describes that guilt as a broken check engine light. It keeps going off, but it isn’t telling you anything new. This episode is about which feelings to trust and which to just let blink. I’m Eric Zimmer and this is the One You Feed.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:53  Hi Pooja, welcome to the show.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:01:55  Hi, Eric. Thank you so much for having me.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:56  Yeah, I’m really excited to have you on. We’re going to be discussing your book, Real Self-care: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness (Crystals, Cleanses and Bubble Baths Not Included). So we’ll be talking about that. And I think there’s so much great material in there. But before we get there, we’ll start, like we always do with the parable and the parable. There’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops. Think about it for a second. They look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you, in your life, and in the work that you do.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:02:51  I love the parable. I think that it applies in so many different contexts. And as a psychiatrist, one of the ways that it speaks to me is that it calls our attention to our internal worlds, and it calls our attention to the agency that we have. There is so much, obviously, that’s out of our control, given the sociopolitical context that we live in, and global events that are kind of always taking place and our internal worlds, we get to decide what we give our attention to internally and externally. And the parable to me is really that’s what it’s about, that you can exert choice, you can exert agency. And in doing that, it’s kind of radical, right? And sort of even recognizing that it’s powerful.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:39  I love the way you frame that up. And I’d love to start by heading into talking about real self-care. What’s the difference between real self-care and what you call faux self-care?

Pooja Lakshmin 00:03:51  I wanted to set up this framework in a way that called to attention the wellness industry, for starters. And that’s why, you know, one of the subtitles crystals, cleanses and bubble baths not included. Because in my practice, I see patients come in all the time and they say, you know, Doctor Lakshmin, I’m stressed out, I’m burnt out, I’m not sleeping well, I’m not eating well. And I feel like it’s my fault because I have this meditation app on my phone that I know I’m supposed to be using, but by the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is meditate.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:04:25  And, you know, I’ve said over and over, you can’t meditate your way out of a 40 hour workweek without childcare. Like, that’s not a wellness works. And when we focus on things that are sort of commodified, when we focus on what you can buy, it really takes away from the true meaning of wellbeing. So when I say faux self-care, what I mean is it’s the juice cleanse. It’s the bubble bath. It is also the yoga or the meditation. And I and I know that there’s folks that are listening that are like, hey, wait a second, Pooja  yoga really works. Meditation really helps me. And I’m not saying that they’re bad. What I’m saying is that the actual real self-care is the internal process that you take to get to the thing. So you can imagine one person is at a yoga class and they’re on their mat totally in their head, comparing themselves to the person next to them that’s doing a headstand. And they can’t do a headstand. And and maybe they’re not wearing the right Lululemon leggings.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:05:26  And. Right, that’s their yoga class versus somebody else who’s gone through the principles of real self-care, set boundaries, understood how to apply self-compassion to that inner critic in their head, really understood their values, and why yoga is so important, and what it means for them to be at yoga once or twice a week, and how that is actually an exertion of power that person is actually fully present in the yoga class and able to really kind of take it in. But on the surface, both of those are I went to a yoga class.

Eric Zimmer 00:05:58  Right.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:05:59  That’s what I’m kind of trying to explain here. And I will say it is a little bit abstract. You know, the principles of real self-care. There’s four principles boundaries, compassion, values, power. They’re all internal, right? Part of the framework, too, is that I can’t actually tell you what your real self-care is like, what your tool is. You have to work through the principles yourself because it’s different for everybody. Right. For one person, it might be yoga. For another person that week, it might be I’m going to actually go out to dinner with my close friend. For another person. It might be actually, what I’m really avoiding is doing my taxes, and I need to sit down and do my taxes right. So it’s always changing as well.

Eric Zimmer 00:06:39  Yeah, yeah. And I’ve heard you talk about this in a sense of, you know, real self-care is a principle or a set of principles, not tools. Now there are tools that we can use, and I think your yoga class example is a great one. You know, the obvious one being a hammer, right? A hammer could drive in a nail. It could also smash ten windows with it if I wanted. Right. Like, the tool is sort of only as effective as the way in which it’s used, in the circumstances in which it’s used and why it is used. And I think that’s what you’re kind of aiming at is this deeper internal sense of what really matters to me. And am I living my life that way? I mean, to me, that’s the foundation of any kind of good life. You know, it’s not even just self-care. It’s just a good life is about knowing what matters to us and aligning ourselves with that and the situations, the power structures that we find ourselves in often make that very difficult to do.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:07:38  Yeah, I completely agree with you, Eric, and I think that it all comes back down to values, and we can talk a little bit about what values means and kind of how to get there. but like you said, it’s actually hard. It’s actually radical because so much of our external world and the way that we live our lives in this kind of very productivity oriented culture is actually pushing against that, is pushing you against your own unique sort of preferences and quirks and things that actually bring you joy and are telling you, well, no, actually, you know, you should just have an example in the book of a patient who was redoing her kitchen and was like, you know, everyone’s telling me to like, get beige, write beige, everything because that the resale value. And then she says, I hate beige. I hate these. You know, you know, that’s kind of it seems like a silly example, but but it’s actually those are the types of decisions that can be really empowering.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:35  I think about these ideas a lot. Like what does it actually mean to be well, and how do people become well and how do they heal? You know, with my own addiction recovery and depression recovery. And, you know, there’s an idea that I talk about often. It’s not my idea. It comes from the Buddhist concept of refuge. Right. Refuge being a place that you go when things are difficult. And we’ll talk about true and false refuges. Right. And that is like, you know, a false refuge is maybe zoning out all the time to Netflix versus engage in your life. A true refuge might be something like more like yoga or meditation or. But you’re talking about an even deeper level than that, right? Like, it’s one thing to to spend less of our time on the false refuge.

Eric Zimmer 00:09:20  This is the things that don’t actually rejuvenate us, refresh us, make us feel better, and spend more on things that do. But you’re talking about an even deeper level where we’re making really difficult decisions about how and where we spend our time, and that can be really difficult to do. My experience is that’s really difficult for people to do when they’re already overwhelmed. So let’s talk a little bit about, you know, the person who’s like, I’m already drowning. How do I start to implement deeper principle based things which seem like they are going to take a lot more time and energy? How do you approach that with someone?

Pooja Lakshmin 00:09:56  Yeah, and I really appreciate you bringing that up, because it’s true that so many folks really kind of feel like they’re in that drowning place. And I will be totally honest. I have a a little kid, a toddler, I have a demanding career. My partner has a demanding career. I sometimes feel like I’m drowning, too, in all of it. Yeah.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:10:13  So it’s it’s not right. It’s. And I also want to pull back and just also note that the whole framework of real self-care is based on the idea of the concept of eudaimonic well-being, which is probably not new to you or to your listeners. But just as a recap, eudaimonic well-being says that a well-lived life is one in which your activities and your behaviors are aligned with what’s most important to you, with your purpose, and there’s tons of research out there that shows that folks who are able to identify and name their values and their purpose and feel that their life is, for the most part, aligned with those things, not 100%, because no one’s perfect, but right, mostly in that direction. They have better mental health outcomes, they have better physical health outcomes. And this is in contrast to hedonic well-being, hedonic well-being. You can kind of think of it as the pursuit of pleasure or the absence of suffering. That’s kind of like the treat yourself sort of mentality, which I think that’s what we’re kind of referencing a little bit, too, because when you’re drowning, you just kind of feel like, well, you know what? I just need to get that, you know, 600 calories.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:11:27  Starbucks latte, that’s actually a milkshake because I deserve it, right? I just need to escape. I need to watch six hours of Netflix. Right? So the reason that the first principle of real self-care is boundaries is because you can’t even actually get to the values part until you start to make some space for yourself, and you start to energetically really consider what it means to take up space and how to sort of take some stuff off of your plate. The boundaries piece is probably the hardest piece to this whole process, and that’s the reason that it’s the first one. And it’s also the reason that the four principles are sort of it’s a circular process. It’s not just linear. It’s like you’re always kind of basically coming back to boundaries, because if there was one mental health skill to learn, boundaries is the one. And to get back to your question of like how to actually do it. So folks might be kind of rolling their eyes a little bit because I will acknowledge that, you know, basically every therapist on Instagram is talking about boundaries at this point.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:12:31  So it could be a little bit sort of cliche, but my take on boundaries is a little bit different. So I think of boundaries as the pause. Not saying no, but it’s the pause that it’s the boundary. And this was kind of an moment for me back in 2016 when I had just graduated residency from George Washington University. My mentor took me out for lunch, and it was my first day on the faculty, and I was like, bright eyed and bushy tailed. And she was like, Pooja, I have one piece of advice for you. And I thought it was going to be some sort of like, clinical pearl about how to dose SSRIs or like mood stabilizers or something. And she was like, no, Pooja, you don’t need to answer your phone. You can let it go to voicemail. Listen to what they want, decide and then respond. And that’s when I was like, oh, it’s the pause. And then you can choose yes, no or negotiate. Because the truth is there is always a cost to no.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:13:24  Yeah. And that cost might be financial, it might be emotional, interpersonal. But we can’t pretend that no is accessible to everyone all the time.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:33  Right, right. That pause is so important. I had a coaching client once where, you know, we had to set up a new rule, and the rule was that anytime anybody asks them to do anything, they had to say, that’s a really interesting opportunity. Let me get back to you. Even if inside they were screaming yes, yes, yes, yes, I want to do it. The answer was always for this person. Thanks for the invitation to do that. Let me think about it. Because part of what happens, and I know I do this, is I get asked to do something and I evaluate that thing on its own individual merit. I’m like, oh, that does sound really cool. And I’ll say, yes, but does it sound cool when I consider it in the context of everything else that’s going on in my life? I need a pause to be able to do that, you know? And this person we just found like that was the rule we had to set so that they could come back and go, all right, let me have a few minutes to actually think about this.

Eric Zimmer 00:14:27  When is it? What else is going on that week, that sort of thing. So I think that pause is so critical. And I love the idea that a boundary isn’t always no right. That a boundary could be yes. Could be no, could be negotiate. But the critical thing is taking the time to contemplate the decision.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:14:45  Yes. Yeah. And you know, it’s funny. This isn’t my therapy session. I have my own therapist, too, but. But I’m totally going through that right now with writing a book and all of the influx of demands that have come and opportunities in this new kind of phase of my career where I really love seeing patients. I love working with people one on one. I also love writing. And now all of a sudden, my weeks I don’t have time to write anymore. And so I’m going through my own round of real self-care where I’m like, hey, wait, what happened here? How do I get back to the things I actually really enjoy? I do enjoy these conversations too, for sure, but it’s like you have to really be selective and understand, like you said, the context and and I share that story and my own personal experience because I think it’s important for folks to understand that this is always a work in progress.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:15:35  And with every new season of your life, whether it’s a new, whether it’s a promotion you get, whether it’s, you know, a new baby, whether it’s going through divorce or illness, you’re going to have to relearn the skill set because it’s, again, it’s a new context. You don’t know yet what all of the data points are. So it doesn’t mean that you failed. It doesn’t mean that you don’t know how to set boundaries. It just means that you’re just developing the same muscle in a new context.

Eric Zimmer 00:16:02  Yeah, absolutely. So I would love to maybe for a moment, go back to a little bit on the faux self-care side. I wonder if you could share with me what you mean when you use the phrase the tyranny of self-care.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:16:15  Yeah, that came to me, actually in the context of my experience as a health care worker, as a physician. So as many folks know, whatever side of healthcare you’re on, whether it’s the clinician provider side or the patient side. Health care in America is broken. And especially mental health services. It’s so hard to find affordable, accessible care. And so what I was seeing, I mean, even starting in like the 2010s, was everybody was burnt out. I was burnt out as a resident. But the answer that the hospital systems and kind of the higher ups were giving is like, well, you know, learn how to meditate. You know, resilience training, you know, here’s your yoga class. But it was like they weren’t doing anything to actually fix the structural issues. So making sure that there’s like adequate paid leave, making sure that people can have, you know, a certain number of sick days, all of those kind of systemic supports were not there, and instead they were putting the onus on the individual to meditate or to do yoga or to lose weight or whatever the thing might be. And so that’s what I mean when I’m pointing to the tyranny. Like, it’s sort of it’s another way that greedy capitalism. I just came to learn that term greedy capitalism, you know, exonerates the system and puts the onus of responsibility on the individual.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:17:42  And then you feel bad because, you know, like I was saying earlier with, like the meditation app where you go through your whole day and you’re working like triple shifts, but then you feel like, oh, well, if only I took the time to meditate, I’d be able to fix all these problems. And that’s not to say that meditation or any of these individual choices. It’s not that we don’t have agency. We certainly do. But I think, you know, I come from a framework of the dialectic. It’s both and right. We need both the systemic change, and we need to be able to exert our own agency. And you can’t have one without the other.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:13  Yeah. So talk to me a little bit about that idea of the both and of individual change and systemic change. Because this I think is a really it’s a concept I find really interesting to think about and and often difficult to put into practice. Right. Because on one hand, we recognize that the individual solutions are not sufficient, and yet we can’t snap our fingers and have the world be different than it is right now.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:43  And so we are then often back to individual solutions. And even in this role, I think about how many of my conversations should be about the individual ways of dealing with life circumstances versus the systemic. And I’ll be honest, I lean towards the individual because it’s where I feel like I have the most to offer. And yet there is the systemic side. And what I have seen happen in a lot of what I would consider the wellness movement. The self-care movement is this idea of it becomes very individualized and it can become very self-absorbed. And where all my energy is going into, I’m going to get better. And then it’s often talked about like, well, once I’m better then I can contribute to the world. And I think that’s a false choice because that often doesn’t come. I mean, my first introduction to wellness and healing and all that in any real way was a 12 step program. And right from day one, we were encouraged to be helping other people. Right. Working on the collective whole and ourselves were joined together.

Eric Zimmer 00:19:51  And I’m just curious how you think about that. You know, the individual versus the collective or the systemic change. And I think the way you do think about it is different than a lot of ways I’ve heard it articulated. So I’d love to get your thoughts on that. That’s a long question.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:20:06  I love long questions. I appreciate you saying that you lean more towards the individual side because I hold that bias, too. You know, I’m a psychiatrist. I work with people one on one, and that’s where I feel like I can be the most helpful as well. And part of what my own real self care process. Like, part of what rejuvenates me is using my voice to advocate for the structural changes and for my patients and, you know, kind of hopefully moving the conversation to a different place. So I did I actually had a conversation a few months ago for The Ezra Klein Show with Tracy McMillan, who’s a sociologist and an amazing powerhouse. She’s a sociologist, so she comes from the complete other side.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:20:56  And I was a little nervous because I was like, oh, gosh, I’m going to have to really prove to her, you know, because the reality is, the examples that I give in the book of, let’s say, a woman who a patient who is, you know, going through the boundaries, the compassion, the values, and works up the strength to have a hard conversation with her partner about the fact that after having, you know, two kids for the third, she really wants him to ask for having a paternity leave. Right. And that leads to him asking and his company saying yes. And that change goes on to impact everybody else. That’s rare. Right? Like, a lot of employees would say no. And that’s true, that this isn’t every situation or every circumstance. But my take on this is that if wellness and self-care stays commercial, if it stays commodified, then we don’t even have a chance of getting to collective change. Whereas if we start conversing about self-care as an internal process, as a personal process, then at least we have a chance of getting to that collective change.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:22:00  You know, I think of this as the dialectic that we discuss, which isn’t my concept. That comes from dialectical behavior therapy. Marsha Linehan, work of, you know, being able to hold two opposing truths at the same time. And I think that change is always so much slower than we want it to be. One of the things that gives me hope and that helps me stay in the fight, really, because I think that’s what it is, right? Staying in the fight and continuing to have these conversations and reflect and think about your choices is I’m actually the first generation of women on my mom’s maternal side to go to graduate school to get a doctorate, to work professionally outside the home. That’s just one generation. And those types of changes like that’s that’s a big deal. Yeah, that’s a big deal. And yes, it’s it takes a long time. But I think that probably most listeners can look back at their family tree, their family history, and see in 1 or 2 generations how much has changed and how much is different collectively.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:10  Yeah, I think being able to hold the opposites there is really important in this area because it’s both at the same time. The little things that we do, like you being the first person in your family to do X, Y and Z, is like a really big deal and progress is being made. I mean, I can’t help but look around at certain aspects of society and be like, wow, the progress is tremendous and there’s a long way to go. Like I often think about like gay rights, right? Gay rights from when I was an 18 year old to where they are today is a night and day proposition difference. It is an order of magnitude difference. And at the exact same time, there is some gay child being bullied somewhere in some small town in Missouri. Right. Both of those things are true. We’ve made a ton of progress and we’ve got a long way to go. But I feel like it’s so important to grasp both of those things, because at least for me, if I don’t acknowledge and see the progress, it doesn’t give me much hope to continue to try and do things differently. But if all I do is get into a Pollyanna, everything has gotten better phase then. I’m not continuing to advocate for changes that need to occur.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:24:19  Yeah, I completely agree. And I was just thinking back to an experience that I had at Esalen, and I write about this in the book. Actually, I went to Esalan. It was in I think it was like 2018 and I was burnt out as a psychiatrist. I went like very seriously, like I was going to get these deep questions answered. It was like this mindful movement week, and it was a lot of money, you know, it was expensive. Esalan is not cheap. And I remember when I was there, there was this couple. They were in their 60s, I think, and we were eating lunch together and they’re like, oh yeah, we come here once a year for our vacation. We’re here on vacation. And I was so insulted. I was like, this isn’t a vacation. You know, this is serious work.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:25:00  And, you know, this was after Trump had been elected. As I reflected more on this, I think they were more right than I was in terms of thinking about it actually, as a vacation, as a refuge, as a way to get away was probably more accurate than the pressure that I was putting on myself for that week of time. And one of the things that stuck out to me while I was there is that nobody was actually talking about Trump there. It was totally this internal, spiritual, woo woo place. A lot of wealthy white folks. Right. And the absence of any of that discussion about social determinants of health, about identity and race and privilege. It was glaring. So I think even actually just bringing it into the room, just bringing it into the room and like having it be part of the conversation in the wellness space. That in itself is powerful. Like we all know that change takes a long time and it’s hard. And I don’t think anyone’s expecting, you know, their meditation teacher to be able to solve, you know, the mortgage crisis, right? No one has that expectation.  Right. But at least to be aware and to bring that into your framework of how you’re teaching and how you’re presenting information, I think goes a really long way.

Eric Zimmer 00:26:44  I had a conversation recently with Padraig O’Tuama. I never know how to say his name. He’s a poet. He runs a podcast with the On Being network called On Poetry, and he had a section and we got into this conversation and I never thought of it this way, but I think it ties a little bit in to what you’re saying, which is he talks about in any sort of church movement or an AA movement or anything. There’s a lot put on the testimony, meaning somebody saying like, I was this broken person or and I did this, or I was having a lot of problems with depression. And then I took ketamine and suddenly I’m better, or I meditate and it makes me feel x, Y, or Z, and those are useful things. But what happens for the people who are sitting there who that’s not happening for? For the person who is the meditation teacher is going on and on about how much meditation has changed their life for one of their students is talking about, and somebody else is sitting there going, well, I meditate 20 minutes every day and my life is still a mess.

Eric Zimmer 00:27:47  Like, what about that? So like, what does that do to people? And I think it ties to what you were just saying. If we’re not talking about the social determinants of wellness, if we’re not taking into consideration the context of which people’s lives are, these ideas can actually become. And I think this is what you’re talking about. With the tyranny of self-care, these ideas can become ways that we feel worse about ourselves, or cause us to disengage from potentially helpful modalities at all, because we feel like we’re not being understood by them.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:28:19  Yeah, that’s such a great point. And it’s interesting, as you were talking, I was also thinking my mind went to the person giving the testimony. And what happens to that person when understandably something traumatic happens in their life, right? And they stop meditating. Or maybe they are still meditating, but it doesn’t work like it used to. And then where do you go from there? And I think for me, that’s why with real self-care, it was so important to frame it as it’s not an outcome, it’s not a destination.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:28:54  Yes, it’s a continuous process. And I think you could probably say the the same about, you know, whether you call it activism or organizing or whatever term you use for moving our society to a more progressive place that it’s, I think, just because of the nature of how deeply inequitable our society is and then the roots on which we were built. I don’t think it’s a destination. I think it’s like we just always have to keep going. And it’s kind of an in some sense, it’s a little aspirational. So to me, progress is actually staying in it. Right. Like staying in the game and like continuing to come back to that work, even when you have moments of burning out, even when you have times where you’re like, you know what? Yes, I did just order something on Amazon, even though I know I should be supporting the small businesses down the street and. Right, like not beating yourself up too much and just being like, okay, well, next week I, you know, I try again.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:29:54  Yeah, that’s I think how we have to think about success. And in my mind, I think there’s a connection there with the testimony and the way in which in some kind of spiritual movements or wellness movements. We tend to kind of exalt the person who has overcome the obstacle.

Eric Zimmer 00:30:10  Yes.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:30:10  And forget that there’s going to be more obstacles.

Eric Zimmer 00:30:13  Yeah. My life is a testament to that, right? I mean, like, you know, I got sober at 24 from heroin addiction. You know, stayed sober eight years, then started drinking again. So it was like, what now? Like all that’s out the window and then, you know, get sober again and depression. And you probably run into this a little bit, too. I think one of the other elements that gets into this, if you’re the sort of person who helps others to any degree you suddenly are worried about when you’re not doing great. Like, is everything I teach people BS?

Pooja Lakshmin 00:30:44  Yep, yep.

Eric Zimmer 00:30:45  Right? Yep. You know, I’ve evolved with that over the years where I’m like, well, no, of course it’s not. You know, because I’m just a human and I have difficult times and I cope with those difficult times way better than I used to. Doesn’t mean I cope with them perfectly, you know. Doesn’t mean that I don’t make mistakes. Doesn’t mean that I don’t do all that stuff, but I do it a little bit better than I used to. But, you know, ten years ago when we started this show, I can’t remember the exact phrase, but I wrote out a little introduction for the show, and listeners can probably tell you exactly what it is because it plays at the beginning of every episode. I just don’t listen to it. But with something along the lines of living a good life takes consistent, creative and constant effort. Meaning like this never ends. You know, it’s not like you’re going to just listen to just the right conversation on a podcast or go to just the right weekend, you know, retreat or week long retreat, and then it’s over, you know, and you’re suddenly, well, for good. Like, that’s not how life works.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:31:40  Yeah, yeah. I’m just nodding my head because I just agree so feverently. And I hate that we live in a culture that like exalts or, you know, kind of puts on the pedestal that it’s better for it to just be neatly tied into a bow, you know, kind of because I think it’s so much more interesting to, you know, I would say people I do therapy with my patients as well as prescribed medications. And that’s relatively unusual for a psychiatrist. But I say it’s because, like, there would be so much more fun for me, like writing prescriptions like that’s fine. That’s like, you know, that’s but the therapy piece is like getting to be with somebody on their journey like that is that’s just such an honor. And, and I, I gain so much from that too, in terms of just the privilege of being there. And what did I want to say? You know, I share in the book, in the introduction, my own kind of tumultuous history, which about a decade ago, more than a decade ago at this time, I left medicine, blew up my marriage, moved into a wellness commune that was focused on sexuality and spirituality and meditation.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:32:44  And I was with that group for two years and then ultimately left and had to kind of rebuild my life and come back to medicine. And part of what led me there was the false belief that there’s just like one answer and that there’s just like this one thing that will fix everything. And also the belief that it’s outside of you that somebody else knows, whether it’s, you know, the meditation teacher, the podcast host, the psychiatrist. Right. Like, it really isn’t, unfortunately, like the reality is for real wellbeing. It’s something that you have to work at every single day for the rest of your life. And ultimately, it does have to come from you. And that’s, you know, and maybe that’s depressing, but I think that’s hopeful, actually, because that gives you back the agency.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:33  Yeah, I was going to say it on one glance. It can feel overwhelming, particularly if you’re in a very difficult spot and you’re like, it’s always going to feel like this. No, I don’t think that’s what we’re saying. I think we’re saying that there’s no destination, you know? Yeah, I think it’s absolutely true. And I think part of the problem, too, is the way that wellness has become commoditized and commercial. And I’m part of that. Right. Like I have a podcast and we get advertising in order to run the podcast. I teach courses, right. And I have to market those courses. Right. And I’m always really struggling with like, the sort of marketing that will actually entice somebody into doing the course versus going over the top. Or, you know, I’ve often said, like, you could boil my entire philosophy down to like, I’ll teach you how to not make things worse. I’m like, that just doesn’t sell. Like nobody’s gonna buy that. It’s a tremendously useful skill, actually, if you have.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:34:27  A great life skill to have.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:29  You know, but I wrestle with this in my own way. And, I mean, you know, anybody who writes a book, right? You’ve got you’re getting blurbs on the book that are just over the top, right? They’re just like, you know, we want those blurbs because that’s what’s going to sell the book.  And I just find it. It’s a complicated relationship to have to be both critiquing that space and be in it.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:34:50  Yeah. Yeah. It feels like you’ve been in my brain for the past year or so. as I launch a self-help book. And but you know, what I would say is that the way that I handle this is to be transparent, you know, and to acknowledge like that I do wrestle with it, and that I do not to pretend that it’s not there, those contradictions, but to really bring it into the room. And I think that humanizes the quote unquote experts. I think that it also gives people who are looking for a structure. Right, because we can’t give answers, but we can provide a structure. Right? People that are looking for a structure, it helps them to be as they’re choosing sort of what they put in their ears. Right. Yeah. Who’s on their feet when they’re scrolling, you know. As a physician, I think that I’ve come to the where I’ve landed is that when when doctors are not in these spaces, then the void gets filled with a lot of junk.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:35:54  And so it is actually important to for folks who are coming with integrity and do have training and background and knowledge to, I guess, do the messy work of figuring out how to be there. Yeah, as opposed to kind of staying up on this like high horse and kind of being like, well, that’s beneath me, you know?

Eric Zimmer 00:36:14  Yeah. Let’s get into the principles a little bit more and maybe we can, you know, give some tools for people to use again. Real self-care is not about a tool, but some practices and different things. And so I’d love to just have you sort of reiterate, you know, the four principles of self-care. Again, let’s go into those a little more deeply.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:36:35  Yeah. So there’s four: boundaries compassion, values and power. You could kind of distill it down to because I know everyone likes, you know, just a list. Do less things. Be nice to yourself. Spend your time on what really matters. That’s the hardest one. And either give back or ask for help.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:36:57  And you know, we talked a little bit about boundaries and how my conceptual boundaries is the pause. Right. And you can think of that on the micro level. You know, when an email comes in from your boss or your kid’s school asks for you to join a committee, or you can also think of it on the macro level of like, you know, what do I want my career to be? Where do I want to live? Do I want to have children or not? Like, those are big, big life decisions that you can take a pause or you should take a pause. You shouldn’t just kind of continue on the path of what you think you’re supposed to have your life look like, and then end up doing what I did, which I would not advise blowing it up. And, you know, right. So that’s those there’s kind of two levels to that. Compassion is the next principle because obviously as soon as you start setting limits with people in your life, everyone’s going to be mad at you and have feelings and then you’re going to feel guilty.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:37:57  And so because in my clinical practice, I work with women, mostly mothers, pregnant and postpartum folks. You know, the number one complaint I get is sort of like, okay, Doctor Lakshman, I’m saying no, I’m setting boundaries. But like, I feel so guilty. Yeah, I feel so guilty. You know, and the way that I work with this comes from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Act. It takes a lot from Buddhist philosophy, which is like, you know, yeah, you feel guilty. Like, yes. Yeah. We can’t change our feelings. That’s not how feelings work. It doesn’t work to try and run away for from the guilt or to turn the guilt off. And so I think of guilt as actually a manifestation of all of these external social constructs and contradictory expectations that are put in particular on women, but not only women, because I know men experience this in different ways too. But when you’re told that you have to be in two places at once in order to be a good mom, like that doesn’t make sense.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:38:56  You can’t do that. There’s no right choice. And so our brain takes that conflict and makes us the bad guy. And that’s guilt. So one helpful kind of metaphor that I use is to think of guilt as if it’s a broken check engine light on your car dashboard. So, you know, like if you’ve taken your car to get serviced and the oil changed and everything and everything’s good, but then there’s like a light on the dash that keeps going off. It doesn’t actually give you any meaningful information. It’s broken, but it’s just going off. That’s what guilt is. You don’t have to set your moral compass according to the guilts. Like you can just sort of let it be in the background.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:36  Hey, friend, before we dive back in, I want you to take a second and think about what you’ve been listening to. What’s one thing that really landed and what’s one tiny action you could take today to live it out? Those little moments of reflection. That’s exactly why I started good wolf reminders. Short, free text messages that land in your phone once or twice a week. Nearly 5000 people already get them and say the quick bursts of insight help them shift out of autopilot and stay intentional in their lives. If that sounds like your kind of thing, head to one oneyoufeed.net/sms and sign up. It’s free! No spam, and easy to opt out of any time. Again, that’s oneyoufeed.net/sms. Tiny nudges, real change. All right, back to the show.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:27  So let me ask you a question about that, because this ties to another concept that comes up that you talk about later on under values. And it’s this idea of the shoulds, right? I should do this. I should do that. Right, which is associated with there’s a guilt element of that. Right. And there are certainly ways in which we are absorbing these shoulds from the outside world, and they’re making us feel guilty. But I found in my life that guilt is often also the way in which I recognize when I’m not living according to my values.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:03  So how do you tell the difference between the guilt that is sort of being put upon you, that you just need to sort of ignore, like the broken engine light, like just kind of okay, yeah, it’s there. I’m going to let it be there. The feeling’s there. I’m just but I’m still going to proceed in this direction versus a sign that I’m not living according to what I value. And this is where the should gets really interesting because we’ve got, you know, it’s become a big thing. Like don’t shoot on yourself, don’t shoot on yourself. But a lot of times for me, my values end up almost being a should. Let me say that in a different way. It’s very difficult for me to tweeze out what is a externally given should that I don’t want to live into anymore? And what is an actual internal should that I actually know and believe? And tweezing that apart sometimes feels nearly impossible because we are conditioned at every level, all the way through our being. I’m just kind of curious how you think about those different things, because to me it’s more complex than just saying, I’m going to ignore the shoulds and ignore the guilt because there are times that those things are actually, to me, ways of being an indicator that I’m off track.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:42:17  This is a great question. There is a difference in how the guilt presents itself when it’s coming from the culture and the expectations of an external environment, versus when it’s more based on an internal kind of conflict. And of course, there can be overlap. Right? Right. At times I think that from what I’ve seen, is that when it’s externally based, there’s more of an urgency like that feeling or like the voice or however your internal dialogue or narrative works. Like, it just it comes really quickly and there’s like a panic to it. And it usually has sort of like the same quality over a variety of different situations. So whether we’re talking about like things in your personal life with your partner or whether we’re talking about something that’s going on in your work life with your boss. Like there might be a similar tone to the narrative or there’s like just a generally a more urgent sort of feel and a consistent voice. Whereas the more internally based feedback maybe we could call it, I think is is like softer.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:43:35  It doesn’t have as much of like a panicked urgency. Like it’s more like you’re reflecting and you’re thinking and you’re kind of like, Oh, okay, let me, you know, let me go there. Let me let myself sort of like go there and explore that. Whereas the external voice is like, it’s not about like, go there and explore that. It’s like it’s shouting at you.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:57  Yeah. That’s interesting.

Speaker 5 00:43:59  And they might be mixed too.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:44:00  Yeah. Like right. There can be times where they’re mixed, and then that’s where it’s helpful to have a therapist or a coach or, you know, somebody that can be an external, supportive, validating, non-judgmental person to be able to tease things apart with.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:42  I’m trying to feel into that experience. And I think you’re actually right to some degree, that the guilt that comes from disappointing someone else does feel more panicky. Like I’ve said before, on this show in my life, I have noticed, like a particular voice that will show up for years, it was, I need a drink, I need a drink, I need a drink. Even after I was sober. And then it transformed from that into what does not sound better, which is I wish I was dead, I wish I was dead, I wish I was dead. But what I realized when I started to really look at that, I noticed where it most often came up, and it most often came up when I was in a situation where I was going to have to disappoint someone, primarily when I was in a situation where there was no way not to disappoint someone. You know, like the decision I’m going to make is either going to make my wife happy and my son unhappy, And that caused in me a sense of despair. That isn’t the same as when I am feeling internally off track. The phrase I wish I was dead right is so over the top. Urgent feeling in comparison. And that’s where it came up in me. You know, it comes up in those circumstances.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:53  And you know, I love what you said about a mother who can’t be in two places at once. Ginny and I had a similar experience recently. I talked about this at great length on another episode, and I don’t know where they come out in relation to each other, but an insight I had. But my mom was in Columbus and was having some health challenges. Her mom was in Georgia and was battling dementia, and we went back and forth between the two and I realized, you know, I was carrying this weight that like when I’m in Georgia, my mom’s not happy. And when I’m in Ohio, her mom’s not happy. And I was carrying that emotional weight until I realized one day, like, oh, wait, it is literally Impossible to make them both happy, like it can’t be done right. All of a sudden there was a freedom there for me in that. And so I think that was a way of resolving that conundrum. But but I think what you just said really makes a lot of sense to me about the tone and the urgency of, quote unquote, that guilt.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:46:52  Thank you. And you know, what you just said to about, like, it’s literally impossible for me to act in a way that will have both of them feel happy at the same time. And you said that gave you freedom, and I think, or a sense of freedom. And like one of the ways that I think about that, I think it’s a similar thing, is that it’s not yours, that it’s not your feeling, the weight of it that you were carrying around. It was not yours to carry. Yeah. And so maybe that’s one of the ways where when I’m talking about like internal versus external, that’s a way that it’s maybe a little bit of a semantic thing too. But I think, you know, what we’re describing here is the whole point of real self-care. And my hope for real self-care is that it invites these deeper conversations in ourselves and with others, where we can reflect on how we manage our time, how we think about the expectations that are put on us and that we have of ourselves, and kind of tease apart all these different threads, because the answer is, again, like they’re different for everyone and they’re not easy to come to in that you do have to wrestle with it.  You do have to kind of work with it. It’s not the same as just kind of saying, okay, well, you know, here’s the exercise plan. Here’s here’s the right, you know, here’s the ten step like skincare routine, you know.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:15  Yeah. And I think the other thing about this idea of boundaries is that we get the idea that sort of once we set them or establish them, they’re sort of in place. Right. And life is a lot more dynamic than that, right? Like, I may set a boundary, which is I’m going to take very good care of my physical health. And the way I’m going to do it is X, Y, and Z, and that is my boundary and it’s my value. And then there can be a circumstance in which another value of mine say my dog’s well-being, there’s a crisis, and that then all of a sudden needs to supplant the boundary that I just set around around this thing. Right? Like, it’s not so easy as, like, you just line your values up one through five, and then you just kind of have your marching orders because life doesn’t work that way.

Eric Zimmer 00:49:05  Right. You know, life is always throwing different circumstances at us. You know, there’s this idea in in habit creation. You know, we our culture has become so obsessed with the idea of habits. I mean, I talk a lot about behavior change, and I think they’re important. But the key thing in there is that habits only form in a stable context. And most of us don’t have stable contexts is our lives. If you’re a parent, you do not have a stable context, right? If you have a career on top of it, you probably your career doesn’t give you a stable context either, because some weeks you can leave every day at five, and other weeks you know, you’ve got some big thing and you’re like, oh, there’s an emergency. I’ve got to be here till nine, right? You know. And so with the context always shifting, our boundaries also have to be shifting. And that’s why I love the idea that you have over the pause. 

Eric Zimmer 00:49:53  Right. The pause of okay. Given all the circumstances that are at play right now, what’s the right wise response for me? Yeah. To allocate my time because that’s often what we’re talking about here. Right. We’re talking about a time allocation. You know where I spend my time.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:50:08  And the flexibility. Right. When you kind of think of it as like just a rigid thing that’s actually not helpful. Like, we need to be able to cultivate that flexibility. And I think this is probably a nice place to talk about values too, because I think that values, you know, it’s the crux of all of this. And the reason that values isn’t the first principle is that because you actually do need to get some understanding of the boundaries and the compassion before you come to values. I think one of the things that I’ve noticed with my patients is that when I ask them about their values, like when I say like, well, what really matters to you? What do you really care about? What’s most important? I get one of two responses.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:50:49  Either I get like a very stock answer, like, you know, will my kids, you know, or or my parents, which is like, that’s actually that’s not helpful because we all value our children. We all value our families, right? And the other piece of that too is a value. It needs to be like an adverb or an adjective, like it’s supposed to be a quality, because you can embody the value as you’re moving towards the goal, right? It’s not static. Again, pointing to that flexibility. The other interesting response I get is is actually anger because people are like, well, I don’t have time to think about that. Like, I’m worrying about, like, what’s for dinner tonight? And who’s going to pick up Johnny from soccer practice? And like, who has time? Right. Which is true. And it’s worthwhile to make time because this is the type of inner work that is an investment. Yeah. It reaps the rewards. So one of the exercises that I have in real self-care for values, and I really love it a lot, and it comes from acceptance and commitment therapies.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:51:52  And it’s silly, but it’s silly for a reason, because I think you do have to sort of like shake things up for people to not be so worried about the shoulds with values. So imagine you have $200 to throw a dinner party. What is that dinner party going to look like? And you kind of just let your mind go with it, you know? Is it going to be or are we going to be outside in the park? Is my friend who plays in a band going to come play? Is it going to be a potluck? And like everybody brings their favorite dish from the last state or country that they visited. Or maybe your mind goes through like, you know, sitting down at a table and the color scheme for the placemats. And it’s so easy in that little activity or exercise to understand that every single person is going to have a completely different dinner party. There’s no best or right dinner party. It really is like it’s your preference. It’s what you care about. And then from there, then you pull out the adjectives and the adverbs and you know, for one person it might be like, I want to look around and see everybody in like really deep conversation.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:52:54  And maybe the value is like connection or like intimacy or something like that. But maybe for somebody else it’s like, I want to see everybody dancing and maybe it’s like physicality or like embodiment, right? And you play with that because like what you were saying in different seasons of your life, the values are always changing. You have to be flexible with it. But I share that because I think it’s a nice introductory way for folks that are wanting to, you know, take some of this work and try and implement it in their lives right away. You can do that, and then you can play around with it and see like, okay, how do I incorporate that value into my week? How do I take whatever values came out from there? And how do I actually put that into my yoga class, or how do I put it into I’m training for a marathon. How do I put that into my training? You can take that and put it anywhere in your life.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:43  I love that, I love that exercise.  I mean, I’ve interviewed both Stephen Hayes and Russ Harris and asked them, like, what do you think is the best tool for creating values and all that? But I’ve never heard that one, and I love that idea because it does show how different it is. And, you know, I think values work for me is often overwhelming because, you know, there’s a big list of values. And I’m like, well, yeah.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:54:05  They all sound good. I agree, I agree with all those things.

Eric Zimmer 00:54:07  Right. And so I think that values work is difficult for people because, you know, you do have to really contemplate fairly deeply and it causes you to recognize that you can’t value everything in the same way that contemplating your time, how you spend your time deeply causes you to confront a very similar fact, which is, I can’t do all the things I want to do. So I have to decide. And, you know, anytime we make a decision about choosing one thing, we’re not choosing other things and that can be deeply uncomfortable.

Eric Zimmer 00:54:40  And then the other thing that values, I think, is so interesting, is that sometimes living according to your values is actually a drag. You know, like we talk about it as if, you know, living according to your values and it’s all going to be wonderful. Sometimes that kind of sucks, right? Like, you know, Ginny and I both had a value of taking care of our mother, right? And that caused us to live through a season of life that we did a lot of things we didn’t particularly want to do. If I was just choosing what makes me happy, but were about what we valued, you know? And so but I’m a huge proponent of values and reflecting more deeply because again, you can’t. And I think this is where I think your, your framework of these four are sort of interdependent or circular. Right. Like maybe I start with boundaries to clear out a little bit of space. Right. But after I do my values work, I may come back and change those boundaries because I’m like, oh, wait a second, now I totally see what I value in a different way than I did before.  It often seems like boundaries work is, at least in the beginning, a little messy and then can get refined over time.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:55:46  Yes, yes. And you know, I was just thinking as you were talking and you’re sharing the example of with you and Ginny and your aging parents. Like the crux of why you’re able to feel the way you do about it now is because you could make meaning of the time and energy that you spent, because you named your values and you were very clear and reflecting on that meaning. And I think this is important because I think that many folks are living lives aligned to their values. They just haven’t taken the step to name it and understand the meaning. Yes, it is an extra step. It takes time, but once you do it, it gives you a better understanding of why you’re doing what. Yeah. Gosh, it really it sucks that I have to drive my kid 30 minutes to soccer practice, you know, every other day. And. But then you think, like, actually, this soccer team is something that I know he loves and is giving him just such an amazing experience of, like, middle school or whatever, right? And then when you name that, it reminds you of the why?

Eric Zimmer 00:56:53  I could not agree more with what you just said, which is that I do think a lot of people I don’t know if I’ll say most people doesn’t even matter. Yeah, yeah, are living according to their values and they’re not connecting the dots. So I use the exact same example you just did, which is, you know, taking my son to soccer practice. Right? I would get into this. I have to take him to soccer practice. I have to take him to soccer practice. And then, you know, realizing like, no, actually I do not. So why am I doing it right? Okay, now I’m connecting to why this thing matters. You know, in my Spiritual Habits program, I talk about generosity. And I’m like, one way to take this lesson is you need to do more. But the other way to take it is you could look at the ways in your life that you actually already are a generous person and connect to those you know, connect to the meaning that being a good parent is right.

Eric Zimmer 00:57:41  We just get on autopilot and it just becomes something we keep thinking, I have to do, I’m trapped by. But when we reflect on what really matters, we’re suddenly like, oh, these things are what really matters. It’s just they’re not always as fun as I might like them to be. And but can, you know, making meaning does require that connection that you’re talking about. Makes me think of another part in the book that you talk about. And I want to see if I could find it here. You’re talking about being too goal focused, and you say when you’re too two goal focused, you spend too much time in the problem solving part of your brain, and you miss out on the good feelings that come when you achieve your goals. And you said, I think of gratitude not as counting your blessings, but as a form of digestion. Right. Talk a little bit about digesting good experiences, because I think it applies to what we’re talking about here too, which is digesting the meaning that our lives actually hold.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:58:34  Yes. So this comes from, again, sort of the Buddhist framework of the hungry ghost, those beings inside of us that have those thin necks but big, big bellies. And so you’re just taking in all these experiences, but they’re getting stuck. You’re not actually digesting the nutrients. So that is one of the ways that I connect to gratitude, because I find like the gratitude lists and things like that to be a little bit tyrannical. Like another thing I beat myself up over because I haven’t done it right at the end of the day.  So instead, thinking of it as looking at what you have and actually being present for it and allowing yourself to fully have it. You know, I was listening to an episode that you did with Greg McKeown. I think it was a while ago, and he talked about, you know, the way to have more is not to try and get more, but to actually have the things that are already in your life. Yeah. And I think that’s a similar ethos, right, where you actually engage and are present and enjoy what is already there.

Pooja Lakshmin 00:59:42  The reason that I like digestion, I guess, is because it calls to mind actually taking in the nutrients. And, you know, it’s funny because I think I’m I’m living that right now with, you know, having my first book out and all of the things that have come with it that are so great, but also like having to really do some internal work to be present and to allow myself to have it and to like, give myself that. Especially if you’re somebody who’s, you know, admittedly an overachiever and a type A person. You’re just, like, so easy to just run to the next thing. Yeah, that’s not real self-care, right? You have to stay in what you have. I was also thinking that this is a great segue into power. The last principle we were talking about meaning and actually like naming these connections. And as I was researching the for the book and looking at the origins of of self-care, one of the things that came out is that there’s actually two parallel origins.

Pooja Lakshmin 01:00:38  There’s people in medical community, actually. Psychiatrists started using self-care as a term to refer to like exercise and diet and things like picking out your clothes that folks who are in locked psych units could do as like places. They actually had choices while being, you know, involuntarily committed. But then the other side there was Audre Lorde and bell hooks, the black queer activists and thinkers who were talking about self-care as self-preservation, especially for marginalized groups. And so with power as the last principle, what I’m trying to do is like, bring this back to the boundaries, the compassion, the actually aligning and acting according to your values is that’s a way that we take our energy back. That’s a way that we actually live some form of resistance against a society that’s sort of constantly trying to extract, extract, extract anyway. And so I was actually in Saint Paul at McAllister University on my book tour, talking to a group of higher education professionals. And there was a woman there, professor she she was gay and she taught queer literature at Macalester.

Pooja Lakshmin 01:01:50  And she said, Pooja, you know, I’ve read your book and I really resonate with things you’re talking about, but how do I deal with the rage? Like, how do I deal with the fact that there’s so much that is unfair and there’s so much that’s out of my control. And I have students who are gay who come into my office crying and who at times are, you know, suicidal. Like, that’s the level that I’m dealing with and I feel like I’m not doing enough. And so we chatted and we talked a little bit more. And she remembered that she writes young adult queer sci fi novels for fun on the side. She had forgotten about this. So right. She takes all of her rage and she puts it into these books and she self publishes them and, you know, they’re on Amazon. And that’s what she does with the rage. She puts it back into the community and create something that is meaningful for young people. And just by naming that and making that connection, she felt a level of kind of freedom, like a little weight was lifted, like, oh, I am doing something that this is my way. Like, maybe I’m not holding a picket sign. Maybe I’m not running for political office, but I’m doing this.

Eric Zimmer 01:03:05  As we wrap up, take one thing from today and ask yourself, how will I practice this before the end of the day? For another gentle nudge, join Good Wolf Reminders text list. It’s a short message or two each week, packed with guest wisdom and a soft push towards action. Nearly 5000 listeners are already loving it. Sign up free at oneyoufeed.net/sms.  No noise, no spam, just steady encouragement to feed your good wolf. We are at the end of time. We’re actually even over the end of time. Which is fine because I’ve loved this conversation. You and I are going to talk briefly in the post-show conversation. I would love to talk about the real self-care thermometer. How do I know how I’m doing here? And we’re going to talk about that in the post-show conversation. Listeners, if you’d like access to the post-show conversation to add free episodes and the pleasure of supporting a show that really does need your support.

Eric Zimmer 01:04:04  You can go to one youfeed.net/join. Pooja, thank you so much for coming on. This has been a great conversation. I feel like I just sort of abruptly ended it, but I’ve been trying to find a way to end it for like 20 minutes and I’m like, oh, I got to hear that. I got to hear that. So this has been really enjoyable.

Pooja Lakshmin 01:04:20  It’s been such a pleasure. Thank you so much for having me, Eric.

Eric Zimmer 01:04:23  Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity, but we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the One You Feed community.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

Choosing Love After a Lifetime of Hurt | Matthew Quick

July 21, 2026 Leave a Comment

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In this episode, Matthew Quick returns to discuss his powerful new memoir, Dad, Love, Me. He explores what it means to choose love after a lifetime of hurt, reflecting on caring for a father who never fully knew how to love him. Along the way, Matthew unpacks how childhood wounds shape us, why healing doesn’t depend on getting the apology we deserve, and how reclaiming our own story can lead to greater compassion, freedom, and meaning, even in relationships marked by deep hurt.

🎉 Patreon Book Giveaway! Matthew’s publisher has generously provided five copies of his new memoir, Dad, Love, Me, for One You Feed listeners! As a thank-you for supporting The One You Feed, all paid Patreon members are automatically entered to win. If you’re not a member yet, it’s a perfect time to join! This is just one of the ways we hope to thank our Patreon community with occasional book giveaways, ad-free episodes, post-show conversations, and more. Join us at oneyoufeed.net/join.

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Key Takeaways:

  • Why “good” and “bad” aren’t enough to understand ourselves
  • How childhood trauma quietly shapes adult relationships
  • The deeper pain addiction is often trying to numb
  • Why we repeat unhealthy relationship patterns
  • The surprising difference between blame and responsibility
  • Healing without the apology you’ve been waiting for
  • What caring for an aging parent can teach us about ourselves
  • Why choosing compassion can be more healing than resentment
  • How telling your own story helps you reclaim your life

Matthew Quick is the New York Times bestselling author of The Silver Linings Playbook—which was made into an Oscar-winning film—and eight other novels, including We Are the Light, a main selection of the Book of the Month Club. His work has been translated into more than thirty languages, received a PEN/Hemingway Award Honorable Mention, was an Los Angeles Times Book Prize finalist, a New York Times Book Review Editors’ Choice, a #1 bestseller in Brazil, a Deutscher Jugendliteratur Preis 2016 (German Youth Literature Prize) nominee, and selected by Nancy Pearl as one of Summer’s Best Books for NPR. The Hollywood Reporter has named him one of Hollywood’s 25 Most Powerful Authors.

Connect with Matthew Quick: Website | Letters from Matthew (Substack)

If you enjoyed this conversation with Matthew Quick, check out these other episodes:

A Journey to Self-Discovery and Sobriety with Matthew Quick

What We Can Learn From Our Bad Wolf with Matthew Quick

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Episode Transcript:

Matthew Quick 00:00:00  The alcohol I don’t even think was the problem. It was just the thing that made me forget about the problem for a while. It was going back into these deep childhood wounds and trying to repair it myself, reprogram myself and get out of these habits, and to really internalize this belief that I am an autonomous person and I’m allowed to be who I am.

Chris Forbes 00:00:30  Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have quotes like garbage in, garbage out or you are what you think ring true. And yet for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:14  I can make this intro really simple. Matthew Quick is back as the only person who’s ever been on the show six times, he’s one of my favorite people and writers. Just listen to it. But if you want to know more about the conversation, Matthew and I talk about what it means to forgive and take care of a parent who never really knew how to love you. It’s about wounds that never fully heal and the power of showing up anyway. And before we get started, I wanted to let you know about something exciting. Matthew’s publisher has given us five copies of his new memoir, Dad, Love Me, to share with listeners. It’s really amazing. And as a thank you for supporting the One You feed, were giving those copies away to our paid Patreon members. If you’re already a supporter, you’re automatically entered. But if you’re not, it’s not too late. We’ll be doing more of these book giveaways like this in the future. So it’s another small way we can thank the people who help keep the show going.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:13  Join me on Patreon for ad-free episodes, post-show conversations, book giveaways, and more! Go to oneyoufeed.net/join. Hi Matthew, welcome to the show.

Matthew Quick 00:02:25  Hey, Eric. It’s great to be back.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:27  Yes, I’ve lost track, but I think you may be the guest who’s been on the show the most. You. And there’s a couple people that might be in there, but I think you may take the lead with this one. So congratulations.

Matthew Quick 00:02:39  Congratulations have been 75 times, I think maybe.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:44  I don’t think quite that many. Well, I think we’ve been doing it 12 years. This might be your sixth time. So about every other year.

Matthew Quick 00:02:50  Nice. Yeah. It’s good. It’s been an honor. Thank you.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:53  You keep writing books. We keep having you on.

Matthew Quick 00:02:55  So cool. I appreciate it, thank you.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:59  We’re going to be discussing your latest book called Dad, Love Me and it’s dad comma, love comma me. It is a brilliant title, and it’s a book about you and your father.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:11  And we’ll get into that like we always do in just a moment. But we’ll start with the parable and the parable. There’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops. They think about it for a second. They look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

Matthew Quick 00:03:53  Well, I’ve been thinking about this parable for more than a decade now, and I’ve answered this question a lot, and I think it’s a great parable, and it’s really helped me along the way. You know, this morning, as I sit with it, after doing years and years of Jungian analysis, I want to give a very Jungian answer here.

Matthew Quick 00:04:15  And so one of the things that I have a tendency to do in my life is to split. You know, things are either bad or good. And that was a problem for me for a long time. So as I sit here this morning, you think about, you know, what are the parts of me that are bad or good? I have a tendency to want to integrate those things and say, you know, the quote unquote bad wolf that might represent greed or envy or those things are typically thought of as bad characteristics. But sometimes you need to be greedy, or sometimes, you know, anger can be useful and you might need to to access those things. But the parable, I think, you know, feeding the things that we assume are kind is a good thing. But I think we also have to court the bad wolf as well, just to get to know the bad wolf, and so that we can integrate these different aspects of our humanity. Because the thing that I’ve learned through the analysis is that the full spectrum of humanity is inside all of us, and we can’t push these aspects of us down like we have to explore these aspects so that they won’t pop out at times when we don’t want them to. You know, we need to have mastery over them. And sometimes we need to utilize these things that others might consider, quote unquote, bad. So I think that’s where I’m sitting this morning.

Eric Zimmer 00:05:36  Yeah. I have recently been reflecting on for a person who is this thoroughly non-binary in their thinking, as I am like through and through, it’s ironic that I have a parable that I’ve used this same parable for 12 years. That is that binary, right? That has just good and bad life, never falls into neat categories in that way. And I think you’re right. I mean, all these energies inside of us. The question is just how do we use them? To me, in the most helpful and skillful way, whatever it is that arises.

Matthew Quick 00:06:10  Yeah. And just getting to know those aspects of ourselves, you know, and the Jungian work I do, it’s called shadow work. You know, like you need to go in and see these aspects of your humanity that you’ve banished or that you’ve projected onto other people because you don’t want to see that.

Matthew Quick 00:06:27  You know, me and Matthew Quick, that I can be greedy sometimes, that I can experience hatred, that I can experience envy. All of these negative emotions. The view that I’ve been taught is that there are aspects of those the shadow that there’s gold in the shadow. You know that when you reclaim them, you can really find a way to use them in a way that could be beneficial not only to yourself but to others. So it’s really important that we really accept the totality of our humanity. Now, that doesn’t mean that we act out on all of these things or inflict them on other people, but just to know that these aspects are in us and that we don’t need to reject them or label them or be ashamed of them. Because I think that when we’re ashamed of these aspects and we try to repress them, that’s when we unconsciously do things that we probably would not want to do. That’s the important part for me, is to really to see all of the aspects of what’s going on inside of me, clearly, without labeling, my analyst often says, let’s take the morality out of this, you know, so let’s see it clearly without, you know, moralizing and using language like good and bad. So that’s been really important to me.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:41  That’s a really useful lens to put on from time to time, you know, take the moralizing out of it. I think there are plenty of times a moral lens or an ethical lens is a good lens to look through, but I’m a big believer that it’s just great to have a lot of different lenses and be able to pick them up and try them on and go, It’s interesting if I look at it that way, but what about that? And what about the more of that that I have, the more of a complete picture of myself and reality I’m actually able to build? Because it’s not that a given lens is necessarily wrong, but it’s always incomplete.

Matthew Quick 00:08:18  Yeah. And I think a moral lens brings a certain subjectivity. You know, you’re automatically giving up objectivity. You’re ranking things in terms of good and bad. You know, you’re bringing a limited view of something. And so it might be that we need to label some things as bad, but to understand them, we can’t have that knee jerk reaction of like, that’s bad.

Matthew Quick 00:08:41  Get that away. You know? I think that’s.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:42  Exactly.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:44  Because that moral or ethical compass is ultimately, I think, how we make the best decisions in life and how we steer our life in a way that feels meaningful to us, whatever that moral and ethical ends up being for us, because it’s just it’s different for everybody. But like you said, it’s the wrong tool for the job a lot of the time. Like, if what you’re trying to do is accept who you are inside and get in better touch with that, it is not a useful tool for that job because like you said, you’re banishing things that way versus going, oh, let me do that. So I just love questions that allow us to look at something different. And that’s a really great one. Like, okay, let’s take the morality out of it for this one. That’s a very useful tool.

Matthew Quick 00:09:27  Yeah. And this might be a helpful example. You know, I grew up in a fundamental Christian family, you know, so I was in church all the time, and my church was always saying that you need to put yourself second to others.

Matthew Quick 00:09:38  You know, that’s kind. You can never put yourself first. And so I grew up believing that was the ultimate moral thing to do, right? But then when I started to have codependency issues and I started reading about codependency, and it was saying, it’s important to put yourself first because in certain situations you need to do that. That moral lens of you always have to put yourself second and be Christlike in that way. Became a real impediment to dealing with my codependency issues. So I think by taking the morality out of it, like taking off the religious lens and just saying, well, does putting yourself second all the time, is that a healthy thing for you and everyone else? Yeah. With the lens that I grew up with and the moral lens. I said, I can’t have that conversation. But once I take that lens off, I could say, well, let’s see, is that proven to be a helpful thing in my life to me and others? And then objectively, I could see that.

Matthew Quick 00:10:37  No, it didn’t always. There were plenty of examples of when that was not good for me and others.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:42  So yeah, I mean, I think there’s two things I’ll, I’ll add and then I want to get into the book itself. First is the word you used in there, which is always like, if I think I always have to do anything that’s problematic. Life isn’t that way. I don’t think I’m always suspicious of always and never as. As concepts that we apply to ourselves or others. And then the second, when I say morality or ethics, I always mean are well considered version of what that means for us, not the one that’s necessarily given to us or that we grow up in. All right, let’s move on to the book. And it’s really about you and your father. But I have a question based on what you just said that will take us into that. You’ve been media training.

Matthew Quick 00:11:26  I’ve been training, yeah. They’re like, hold up the book.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:28  Hold up the book.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:29  Yeah, yeah. You just keep it in front of your face the whole time.

Matthew Quick 00:11:31  Picture back.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:32  Here. Exactly, exactly. So the question is, you mentioned growing up in a fundamentalist Christian background. There’s references to that in your book, but there’s really nothing that I recall about your father and his relationship to Christianity or religion. Did he have a strong feeling there?

Matthew Quick 00:11:52  Yeah. My dad grew up in the same church that I grew up in on their parents, who were devoutly Christian. So his parents came out of the Great Depression. My grandfather fought in World War two. So there are people who read the Bible every day, were very involved in church and church politics. I would go so far as to say they were evangelical about their faith, but there was a lot of interesting discrepancies between, you know, what was going on with what they were preaching and what they were practicing. You know, and I think that’s pretty common for everything. So I think my grandfather used religion as maybe what’s known as a spiritual bypass to deal with his PTSD coming back from World War two.

Matthew Quick 00:12:41  The horror of the things that he did, I think he felt if he read the Bible every day, if he got involved in church, that somehow would take care of, you know, I don’t want to say the sins that he did in the war, but I think what it ended up doing was it gave him a sense of stability in a worldview that he could use to go through his life, but he never, ever did the inner healing work that he needed to do. And because of that, because he had this moral lens to continue the theme, he never was had this morality that he believed in, but it was always looking at the world out there and never looking at himself. And so I think because of his PTSD and the trauma he experienced growing up in Philly, at Philadelphia and poverty during his depression, he had a lot of anger issues. He had a lot of unresolved trauma, and that unfortunately affected my father’s upbringing and generationally that was passed on to my father. Also had all this childhood trauma was taught.

Matthew Quick 00:13:51  Just go to church. Just pray. Just read the Bible. Don’t look inward. Don’t do the inner work. And so my father became, you know, a repetition of who his father was. And my childhood was very difficult because of that. So we were devoutly religious in one sense, you know, going to church seven times a week and reading the Bible and doing all the things you do. But there wasn’t a lot of spirituality. There wasn’t a lot of inner work. It was, I don’t want to say it was performative, because I think that people, my family, really believed the things that they were saying, but they were missing a piece that I think was kind of tragic.

Eric Zimmer 00:14:35  So I’d love to have you tell us about a scene that happens early in the book about your grandfather asking your father to tell him what he did wrong. Can you kind of lead us into that?

Matthew Quick 00:14:52  Yeah. So I think this is a prologue at the end of my grandfather’s life. I think he was 91 at the time. He was in his early 90s, and he just decided that he wanted to die. He was really sad. This is my hero. And I was very close to my grandfather. And he called me and he said that he wanted to die. And he had been living in a retirement community. And he was convinced that once you decided to die, you would die. That was just his view. Like once you just stopped fighting to stay alive, you would just go downhill. And that’s exactly what happened with him. And during his downward slide, he made this bid to make amends with my father. They had not been talking, and he asked my father what he had done wrong to deserve being ostracized from my father’s life. And my dad refused to tell him, and my grandfather would call me and kind of triangulate, try to get me to go in between. And my dad just refused. And I think the line in the book that I used was my dad was saying, well, you know, what’s the point? You know, he’s a dying old man.

Matthew Quick 00:16:01  I don’t want to be sadistic. I’m not a sadist. Like I don’t want to, like, hurt him at the end of his life. But what that really meant was that my father missed out on this chance to be authentically him, to connect with his father in an authentic way. And I believe my grandfather’s bid was genuine, and my dad just didn’t take that bid. And then after his father died, he would say to me, I wish I had told my father why I was so upset. You said to me over and over. It would always come up. I should have told my father how I really felt. And it created this, this really sad situation because he just he had missed this golden opportunity to connect with this man, his father, that he never was able to do. And so it was strange because my father was telling me that he was not offering me an opportunity to connect with him in that way. He never had the humility to say, now, Matthew, what? How have I failed you like my father failed you? And then he got dementia and he was diagnosed with dementia.

Matthew Quick 00:17:12  And I realized that time was running out. And it created this in some ways, this crucible that made the men more possible. But it was tragic because those words were, you know, echoing in my head, my father is a dying old man. Like, what would be the point of telling him? Would it be sadistic to just unload on him while he has dementia? And so when my editor asked me to write the memoir, I decided to frame it with that conversation between my father and his father that I needed to unpack all of this, that I needed to, quote unquote, tell my father what had happened and which I chose to do in the form of the memoir.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:13  I found that question in my own life a fascinating one, because my mother, who passed recently, she had enough self-awareness at points To more, to apologize to me, to say, listen to a podcast. And I’d be talking about difficult emotions that I had or a difficult period. And she would then think to herself, oh, well, all the pain I caused you, you know.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:38  And after a conversation or two were I gently waded in and she was able to show some insight on her part, like, you know, I should have protected you from your father more. I should have x, Y, and Z. After that. When she would mention it, I felt like again, not wanting to be a sadist, I generally chose the mom. I know. You did the best you can. I love you right? Like because I had then done the inner work because I wasn’t still carrying a resentment against her in the way I might resent her for what she’s doing now. Yeah, but the old resentment, I think, you know, was left off. And I think that’s a really difficult question that I think every parent child duo contends with. Like, there’s a part of me that wants to go to my son who is generally doing well, I think, and is thriving and healthy and be like, well, what ways did I screw up? Because there’s certainly, you know, he’s been to therapy.  I’m sure they’ve covered it.

Matthew Quick 00:19:35  Right.

Eric Zimmer 00:19:35  Like I’m sure they’ve covered it. And I bet he has the same feeling like, well, what would be the point to tell my dad? But I love the way that you found a way through the memoir and also being an active participant in your father’s dementia to heal that relationship. And you tell me if I say anything wrong here, to heal that relationship without having to directly go into that conversation with him because he’s not really capable of having it.

Matthew Quick 00:20:05  Yeah. There are two thoughts. A friend of mine read the memoir and was compelled to go to his adult son and say, I’ve been thinking about how I treated you over the years, and there were these very specific moments when I feel that I’ve failed you. And he had this big confessional thing for his son, and then his son said, dad, I don’t even remember those things. It’s kind of funny to me. It’s like, yeah, you know, it’s like he’s like, yeah.

Matthew Quick 00:20:30  Yeah, I have no memory of this. He was carrying around all this guilt.

Eric Zimmer 00:20:33  It’s funny how we do that sometimes. You know, we’re carrying something that the other person is simply does not care about.

Matthew Quick 00:20:40  You know, I think with my dad, from a very young age, because I think he had some unaddressed mental health issues. He had a limited capacity for understanding the needs of other people, that I was forced to enter into my dad’s narrative and co participate in the narrative of his world from birth. There was no narrative for me in the memoir. There’s a scene when I asked my dad, I tell him, hey, I’m writing a memoir. You know, this was recently, so he does have dementia. And I said, you know what? Would you like me to tell the audience about us? like our story. That father and son and me and you. And he proceeds to tell this big long story about how he was a named executive at a bank, like basically giving his career resume.

Matthew Quick 00:21:33  And then at the end they said, well, that’s all great, and we’ll put that in. But what about the story of you and me? And then he proceeds to have a breakdown and say, I can’t do this. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. And it was almost like it was breaking his brain to consider that someone else’s story might matter other than his. Yeah, yeah, part of that was the dementia. I think part of that was just who my father was for most of my life. And so one of the things that I realized after getting sober and doing analysis was that I don’t know that I had so much of an alcohol problem, although I was an alcoholic for probably 25 years, but I think it was. I’ve come up with this analogy of, you know, people with migraines don’t have an ibuprofen problem. I was drinking to numb the pain of the fact that I didn’t feel like who I was mattered, or that I wasn’t allowed to exist.

Matthew Quick 00:22:31  Then I was in this codependent relationship with my father that leaked into all aspects of the rest of my life. And so it was really important for me, particularly after I did the work of getting sober and to clean up some of the inner work, to realize that my story and my reality matters, and that I’m actually a person who’s allowed to have feelings and is allowed to tell the story of my memory of things. Because for most of my life, it was about hiding my father’s problems, you know, and colluding with that and being in service of making myself really small and saying who I am doesn’t really matter who everyone else thinks they need to be matters more. So the memoir was about reclaiming my story and hopefully telling others that their stories matter, too. I tried to be very careful to not do this binary thing of saying, my story matters, and my father’s story does not matter. My father’s story does matter, but mine matters equally. And so throughout the memoir, I tried to be very honest about who my father is, how he sees himself, how I see him.

Matthew Quick 00:23:48  And I think I, I do that in a generous and loving way without lying. But for the first time, I was starting to say, and there are all these things about me that I’ve never told anyone, and there are all these things about me that I’ve never come to terms with that I’ve hidden. And there are stories, you know, from back in the 90s that I tell in this memoir. And some of my best friends have read the memoir, and they’ll say, I didn’t know this about you, and I really have trouble believing that they didn’t know it because I thought of course I would have told them. But through these conversations, I realized that I was unconsciously withholding myself, or shrinking myself, or making myself small. These are people that I love, and I would tell anything to now, but I think that there was just this code of silence and this code of making my needs and who I was so small. In order for other people to feel bigger that I needed to break that trend.

Eric Zimmer 00:24:47  Yeah. I texted this to you after I finished reading it, that I thought the way you handled your father was kind and generous and honest and. And the thing I said, you know, diagnosing as a knowing therapist. I was like, it seems pretty clear to me your father had some serious issues, you know, and I’m the sort of person, maybe the nature of the work I do or doing this podcast or whatever, that when I see someone who’s really having a hard time, I immediately know, like they don’t have the skills to do better usually than they are, right? They were hurt. They are thusly tending to hurt others. So you and I have talked about fathers over the years. You introduced me to a term that I had not heard before called Father Hunger, which I immediately recognized. I was like, oh, that’s why I glom onto men of a certain age. And right, like, yeah, yeah, of course. Why I’ve done that over the years.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:38  Oh, I get it. And as I was reading this, I was thinking about, like, your father and my father, and they were different. My father’s, if he had mental illness, it was depression. And he was just much more irritable and angry and then just very stilted. You know, your father seemed to be very vociferous with what he was feeling and how he felt about everybody. And my father, once I got through my childhood, was kind of the opposite. Right. You just couldn’t get anything out of him. But there were a couple of moments where I definitely was like, okay, I connect here. One was, you have a story in there about playing baseball with your father, throwing the baseball. Share a little bit about that.

Matthew Quick 00:26:19  I think this story you’re starting to about throwing on the lawn. Yeah, that that part. Yeah. So my dad is need to have a catcher. I asked him to have a catch. I don’t know, I probably was maybe 10 or 11.

Matthew Quick 00:26:30  And whenever I was doing anything with my father, I was so anxious because I knew if I made a mistake, he would just go nuts. He just he was the kind of person that was just volatile and he could keep it together, usually at work and out of the house, but alone. If you did something wrong, it was he was hitting 11. You know, he would just go insane. So I was in the front yard and that little postage stamp of grass. And, you know, I was trying to have a catch with my dad, but my stomach started to get in a rumble and I was shaking and anytime I did anything with my dad, it was incredibly anxious because I knew if I made even the tiniest mistake, it meant just insanity. So I threw the ball to him and it went over his head just because I just. I could throw a baseball. But my dad made me so anxious and so he screamed at me, go get the baseball. And I run and get it.

Matthew Quick 00:27:31  And I hand it to him and, you know, he throws it to me and it hits my glove and falls down. And I could catch a baseball again. It was just the anxiety. And so I threw the ball. The next time I went 50ft over his head and he just exploded. You know, I’d say I’m not having a catch with you. Or every boy in America can throw a baseball. What’s wrong with you? And you know, I didn’t know it at the time. You know, I saw what is wrong with me. Yeah, yeah, but my dad was invoking these panic attacks where that things that I was capable of doing, I couldn’t do around my father because it was just too much for me to hold, like his adult rage and anxiety just crippled me. And looking back now, I have a lot of sympathy and sadness for that young kid because immediately I concluded, I must be a terrible son, you know? I must just be completely incompetent. I can throw a baseball.

Matthew Quick 00:28:29  Like, what’s wrong with me? And I’ve learned through analysis that, you know, when we’re young, we want to make it about us because the alternative is so awful. You know, if it’s us, you know. Well, I can do better next time, and I’ll learn to throw the baseball and then I’ll be safe. But if it’s that my dad is unstable and mentally ill, that’s a reality that I can’t fix at ten, so that’s terrifying. So I just threw that on me. But the problem was that my dad was kind of the default for older men. So it became whenever I was around any older men, I started to feel, oh, like, I better take care of this person’s emotional needs. I better make sure, like I don’t do anything wrong, because if I don’t, they’re going to explode and hit me and, you know, throw me across the room and curse at me, humiliate me. So it became this thing where anywhere I went, I was anxious all the time until I found alcohol.  And then I was very cool for a while, drinking. But it was tough.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:54  I tell a story in my book about playing golf with my father, and I say in it something to the extent of like those times with my dad when he would take me to do some stuff with him, were both like, I desperately wanted it. And like you, it was just anxiety producing. It was this mix of like, hope and terror. I don’t know, my dad in the baseball is the same thing now. He wouldn’t get like apeshit crazy. He would definitely be angry with me. Yeah, and he would definitely express that anger. I mean, my dad was one of the handiest people in the world. He could make fix whatever I have up until a few years ago been appalling at any of that. Sure. Put a screwdriver in my hand and I start getting nervous. Yeah, because my dad would ask me to help him and I wasn’t good at it as a child. And so I was just don’t let me near that.

Eric Zimmer 00:30:46  Now I kind of now I’m like, all right, get a screwdriver, relax. It’s okay. But the same thing about men of a certain age like this still happens to me. I catch it and I recognize it. But if you put me in a room with a man, you know, an older man who is just looking in any way, shape or form unhappy. I will start getting nervous. You know, I even teaching workshops occasionally. I’ve been in one where there’s like an older man who just looks like he’s mildly scowling. And I have to really work hard not to shrink. You know, maybe he doesn’t like when I say it that way. Or maybe he doesn’t like that, or, you know, just this sort of shrinking. And so, you know, I related with all of that. The other thing that you talk about that I related a lot with was when you and a friend were drinking and your father caught you and he was hard on you, but he said to you basically, like, I’m not going to tell your dad because your dad’s nuts.

Eric Zimmer 00:31:45  And yeah, you know how validating that was. And it was really validating for me when I was older to hear people say, like, we would not go to your house. Like there’s there’s no way we’re going to your house with your dad around. Like, yeah, you know, to hear that and go, okay, this is not all my Imagination was certainly valid.

Matthew Quick 00:32:05  Yeah, that was the first time. I think we were. Maybe it was like 12 when my buddy’s dad caught his drinking, and it was just this huge lightbulb moment when he said he needed to really discipline me hard because he couldn’t tell my father, because my father would act inappropriately. It would give me too much of a punishment. And I could tell that that this man was a little bit afraid of how unstable my father was and was afraid for my health. And that was the first time that I realized that other people could see it, and that other people felt, and that what I was experiencing wasn’t normal, because to me, it was just the water that I was swimming in from birth.

Matthew Quick 00:32:45  The other thing I’ll say too, is, you know, the double edged sword was that I learned how to take care of emotionally abusive men. And so when you go to a place like Hollywood, there are a lot of emotionally abusive men. And so when they meet you, they can recognize immediately if you’ve been groomed to take care of them. And so in some ways, that benefited me when I went to Hollywood, because there are certain emotionally abusive people that were very interested in me. But then I had to replay these awful experiences with my father over and over. So it was like I was attracted. It was almost like I was going to set off the radar of emotionally abusive people, because they knew that my response would be to fawn, to become small, to validate them, to narcissistic affirm them. Whatever I could do to get the temperature down within their psyche. I was very good at doing that. And so while that helped my career, that also trapped me into relationships, there I was replaying out some of the worst of my childhood.

Matthew Quick 00:33:56  And so it got to the point where I realized that I was co-participating in these things. You know, when I was eight. It’s not my fault I’m a child. But in adulthood, when I’m co-participating with emotionally abusive people, even if I’m being paid or whatever, I’m benefiting from that. I’m still choosing to be in emotionally dysfunctional relationships. And so there came a time when I started to think, no matter how much it benefits me, I don’t want to be emotionally and psychologically abused. And so to put up those boundaries and learn how to navigate that and learn how to accept that there might be some powerful people out there that can do things for you. But what is the price of evacuating who you are at the drop of a dime? I don’t want to do that anymore. Yeah. So that is something that I’m still working on, because my default around as someone who’s emotionally abusive is to become a non-person and take care of them.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:57  Yeah, it’s what feeds a lot of my active dislike for any kind of confrontation.  Yes, right is just this fear that is like, not necessarily that, oh, I heal it and it disappears so much as I work on healing it. And I can respond a lot more wisely now. You know it. Confrontation looming. I feel afraid. It’s just it’s I don’t want to say necessarily it’s hard wired, but it’s pretty well hooked up.

Matthew Quick 00:35:27  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:28  Like you, I have to kind of say like, okay, stop. Settle down. You don’t have to respond that way.

Matthew Quick 00:35:34  I think in recognizing patterns, too, because I think for much of my life, particularly before I got sober, I didn’t realize that so much of what I was doing was thoughtless. It was just trauma responses. And I thought, that’s just who I was. And into some degree, I actually, you know, getting back to my religious upbringing. I thought, well, this person’s difficult. I need to be Christlike and put myself second and just take care of their needs, you know? And I didn’t realize that was a pathway towards, you know, these abusive relationships that would just go on and on and on while I’m feeling more and more unconsciously violated.

Matthew Quick 00:36:15  And so for me, that created a system of like, I will take care of the needs of other people, I will put my needs second. And in order to deal with the rage and the anger, the appropriate rage and anger that was rising up in me, trying to defend me from these things, I would say, well, I’ll just drink. I just smoke some weed. I’ll just take the pills, because that will calm the anger and the rage, and then I will be able to continue in these relationships with people who are taking advantage of me or abusing me or making me feel small and and so, you know, it wasn’t just getting sober, you know, again, like the, the, the alcohol I don’t even think was the problem. It was just the thing that made me forget about the problems for a while. It was going back into these deep childhood wounds and trying to reparent myself, reprogram myself and get out of these habits, and to really internalize this belief that I am an autonomous person and I’m allowed to be who I am, and that it’s actually beautiful to be who I am. And you know, that might not please the people who want me to be a non-person. But why am I gravitating towards people who want me to be a non-person in the first place?

Eric Zimmer 00:37:28  So yeah, I think this is worth stating explicitly. Which is that the point of all this reflection is not a blame game. It’s a way of understanding the ways that we were shaped right. And that, for me, became really important because I was told early in my recovery, you can’t blame your parents for any of this. And that wasn’t helpful, because it caused me not to look at the ways that I was influenced and shaped, and continuing to blame my parents is not a useful tool either. And you said like earlier, it’s not. You know, it wasn’t my fault when I was a child. And I just always love this distinction between like, it may not be my fault, but it is my responsibility now, right? Like, if any of this gets better, I’m the one who has to do it. I can’t wait for someone else to ride in and do that. We are responsible for who we are as adults.

Matthew Quick 00:38:27  I’ll even go further than that and say, even with some of my professional relationships that have fallen into this trap, people that are much more powerful than I am by my co participating in that relationship that might be, you know, not healthy. Not only am I hurting myself when I’m actually hurting them because I am part, I’m choosing to participate in a relationship that is not healthy for me. It’s not healthy for them. And so you can look at it through the lens of power and say, well, this person has more power. So therefore, you know, it’s all their responsibility. But I think that we have more power than we think we do. Yes, obviously, if you’re a seven year old child, this does not apply. But I think if someone’s kidnapped you or something extreme like that, this is not applied. But I think the thing that I have learned through analysis is that I have a lot more power and control over this, and I believe ten years ago, and that by participating in this unconsciously, that doesn’t absolve me over the responsibility of the outcome of the situation.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:36  Yeah, I think those questions are really nuanced questions around how much power do we have? I went yesterday to the I was a behavioral and mental health and Addiction conference for like all the county mental health boards here in Columbus. And a woman got up and gave a talk and I found myself both agreeing and heartily disagreeing with her on the same on the same points. Right. Because so much of what she was saying and it’s true, the data shows this, that if there are systemic forces that are against you, those do impact your mental health. That is true. Sure.

Matthew Quick 00:40:17  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:18  And what do you do with that? Like there’s nothing to be done with that except to say, okay, this is the way the cards are dealt. I have to play them. It’s my responsibility to play them. And I think people get stuck on. I think if we get stuck on one side of that debate or the other, it’s problematic. Like if we just go, you know what I have, everybody has all the agency in the world and it just doesn’t matter.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:43  You know, like what happened to me doesn’t matter. I’m my person. I got all the agency that fundamentally looks over a whole lot of things, both societally and also in our upbringing. Yeah, but to go to the other side fully and say, well, it’s all systematic and I’m helpless, that is a different recipe for disaster. And so how we sort of walk that middle line for us is so important.

Matthew Quick 00:41:10  Yeah. One of the things, you know, because my father was so tyrannical and maniacal, sometimes he just seemed like a god to me. That’s okay. When I was young, it kind of vengeful, angry God. But somehow he seemed that way to me when I was 40 too, you know? And the interesting thing happened was that when I got sober, my relationship with my father changed for the better. And so he didn’t change at all, I don’t think. But when I got sober, I was not able to carry this old story of resentment. And he’s doing this to me.

Matthew Quick 00:41:51  And I have no agency. And I’m the victim. And so was my father this great father, when I got sober? No. But I was able to see him more fully as a human being. I could see with more clarity. I was acting differently to him. So, you know, I do think that there are these systemic things that of course, but I also think improve yourself, improve the world, you know. I think that’s a message that I really internalized. We’re talking about, you know, Hollywood or the literary world. I’m not going to change those worlds. Like, I don’t have enough power to change those worlds, but I can decide how I want to participate in them. I can decide, you know, that I might value working with somebody who I enjoy working with in a healthy way over making more money next year, you know, or whatever. You can make decisions and you can make sacrifices in the name of health that might benefit you in ways that you hadn’t imagine before.  But it is very nuanced, as you said. You know, it’s very specific to every person.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:55  I love what you were just saying about your father. I keep saying, we’re going to get to drinking and maybe we will. I will just say very quickly what you’re describing. You know, drinking wasn’t the problem. I mean, it’s a line that, you know, I learned early in my recovery in 12 step programs, which was drinking is but a symptom, right? It’s just a symptom of an underlying problem right now. Eventually it becomes a problem for all of us. And. Yeah, but back to what you were just saying about you and your father. I think this is you make this point. You touched it there. You make the point very clearly in the book that when you were a child, the relationship with you and your father was largely driven by your father. And if we were going to be, you know, doling out responsibility, a lot of it is there.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:40  Yeah, but as adults in those relationships, we often can be at fault. I realize that my relationship with my father as an adult, I was a co-participant in the way that relationship was now. There were intractable ways that he was that I hoped to try and change, and even that is problematic. But I know, like, we weren’t as close as we could be, not because of who he was when I was a child, because of choices I made, about how much I wanted to interact and how comfortable I felt interacting and all of that. And I think that’s another like, again, it’s back to this point of nuance. I can’t just keep relating to my father as if I’m a six year old boy and he’s an angry man when I’m a I’m not going to say how old I am 35. I’m a 35 year old.

Matthew Quick 00:44:34  I’m actually 85.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:36  Yeah. but that recognition that I play a role in this, and I think you do a really nice job in the book of making that point. And then you also take it a step further, which I think is really the heart of so much of the book and is so beautiful, which is that there’s a line where you’re talking with your therapist, you say, why is it my job to take away my father’s suffering? Why shouldn’t it be his job to take away mine? And your therapist, who you refer to as Zeus, says, because you’re not a little boy anymore. And then he goes on to say, like, you know, what is your father done for you? Look at the good things. And then the payoff line is, if you hate your father, you will always hate yourself.

Matthew Quick 00:45:20  Yeah. That was a moment in analysis for me. And, you know, Zeus went in to say after DNA is your father, you know, he sees in you. and I think that was hard because, you know, just like the beginning of the conversation, I wanted to say. Dad. Bad. Matthew, quick! Good.

Matthew Quick 00:45:39  Let’s feed the good. It’s all about Matthew Quick. You know the bad, dad. Let’s just cast him out. But so much of my father, genetically and behaviorally and psychologically. Like I can’t get him out of me. You know, he’s an archetype now. He’s a North star for good, bad or indifferent. And so my analyst really had me focus on looking at the good things in my father, the things that I should appreciate, which was deeply distasteful to me in the beginning. And there’s this conversation I have in my notes in the book where I say he didn’t do anything for me. He was horrible. And he says things like, oh, he didn’t go out to work and, you know, pay for food and clothing. And, you know, I initially say everyone’s father does that and, you know, they don’t get credit. And Zeus says, you know, not everyone’s father does that. Your father did that. And what would you have done if he didn’t do that? You know, so just these little things of appreciation.

Matthew Quick 00:46:39  Then later in the memoir, my analysis had shifted to this idea, and particularly with my father, when he was diagnosed with dementia, he became very childlike. And so my time with him on Lady’s Island here in South Carolina. I really am his father now. You know, when I take him out into the world, he doesn’t even know how to get into my truck. You know, if I say, hey, dad, go get in this truck. He can’t do it unless I walk him over and say, open the door. Okay, now you’re going to put on your seatbelt. And he’s constantly asking me, where are we going now? Like, am I or are we safe? You know? Or is this okay? So I find myself really in this position in the last three years of of being the father to him that I always wished he was to me. You know, if I had said to my father when I was seven, dad, where are we going? He would say, shut up.

Matthew Quick 00:47:32  You’ll know when you get there, you know? But that’s not what I do to my father now. I try to make him less afraid. And the difference that I think between me in my 20s, where my dad was freak out and I would just evacuate who I was and take care of, the response is that I’ve really made a conscious decision after doing years of analysis, after years of sobriety, to re-engage with my father and consciously try to love him through his dementia. Yeah, not because I have to, but because I want to do that and I get to do that. And so I think that’s a radically different thing than being forced or compelled. This wasn’t this was not something where I thought to myself, oh, I have to do this unconsciously. It was something that I thought, well, I really don’t want to do this, and I’m going to choose this anyway and be thoughtful about the way that I’m going to do it. And I think the most healing Aspect of that.

Matthew Quick 00:48:32  For the last three years in writing, the memoir is really reflecting on the beauty of that. To see my father as this little boy. And sometimes we’ll be walking. He’ll go nuts over Azalea Bush. You know, it’s so beautiful. He’s just wonderful moments with my dad. I never thought that he had the capacity to appreciate a bush or a turtle or a cloud in the sky. To see his humanity is just so beautiful. But also to realize that I had the capacity to be a good father to him. Now that genetically, we’ve kind of come full circle. There’s been deeply, deeply healing for me. And if you had asked me when I was 35, 40, 45, do you think it would be a good idea to spend three years with your father taking care of him? I would have been like, can you curse on this show? Because I’m about to curse, you know, like, yeah, oh, you can get the fuck that. Like there’s no way I’m going to do that.

Matthew Quick 00:49:31  Like, that would be the worst thing ever for me. So the great surprise of my life is that being humble as a child in abusive ways was terrible. Choosing to be humble as a grown adult in service of someone else has been deeply healing. And I think it’s in the autonomy and the choice of it. And again, it’s a nuanced thing. I’m sure there are certain people that would say, your father abuse you, like, why are you taking care of him? Like, I don’t understand that decision, but it was my decision to make, and it’s been deeply healing and meaningful because I made it. So I think that that’s the difference. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:12  Yeah, those parts of the book are just beautiful. You and I are friends. We talk. I’ve kind of followed along on this journey with you, but the way you talk about it in the book is just. It’s really healing and beautiful. My father passed from dementia. He was in Florida. His wife was very healthy.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:27  She was kind of as caregiver. We didn’t see each other but once a year. But Ginny’s mother, you know, there was nobody to take care of her but Ginny. And so we kind of embarked on that Alzheimer’s journey, and our experience was different. Her mother did not become childlike and playful. She became mean. You know, and again, I’m disparaging the woman. She had a brain disease. But. So Ginny’s experience was different, right? Ginny’s experience was like, oh, I am getting abused in the ways I have been abused by this person before. And yet she still chose. Yeah, that she wanted to be there and take care of her mother. And, you know, like living according to our values. And the thing about that, I talk about this in the book, and she and I used to joke about us like that sound. That’s a great little bumper sticker, you know, live according to your values. Sometimes it really sucks.

Matthew Quick 00:51:21  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:22  And I think she and I are both very grateful that we did it.  You know that we chose. We didn’t have to. We chose. That was the role we wanted to play. And you know, my mother, before I moved her to Denver, needed a lot of help over, you know, the last period of time. I mean, I think I may have shared with you in the text when we were cleaning out her apartment after she passed, I found a suicide note of hers from, like, 13 years ago. I mean, my mom struggled, my mom suffered, and I chose to be the one in Columbus taking care of her to the best of my ability.

Matthew Quick 00:51:56  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:58  but as soon as I started saying to myself, I have to do this. And it was an obligation. Oh, it was not good. The more I could say I’m choosing this. Didn’t make it easy, didn’t necessarily make it fun, but it put a thread of meaning into it. Yeah, I think it’s a big, important part of life. Like being happy is sure that’s part of it, but so is having meaning, you know, doing things that you feel like matter.

Matthew Quick 00:52:26  Yeah. And I think, to be clear, my father has not been all childlike wonder. He threatens to kill himself a lot around me, which is a theme in the book that he’s been doing since I was a child, which is really traumatic for me. Yeah, yeah. And he has been volatile. And finally it’s been hard. It’s been really, really hard. I recently was rereading some Flannery O’Connor, you know, the great writer, and I read this quote and I paraphrase it, but someone was writing about her and they said, you know, she once said that everybody thinks of, you know, choosing religion and God or Christianity is this wonderful thing. But of course, it means to cross. It means like you on the cross being crucified, right? That’s what it really means that like, like God is hard, like transcendence is hard. And so whether you’re somebody who thinks of that in a literal way, meaning like you are a Christian who believes in that story or a symbolic way, I think that that’s really true.

Matthew Quick 00:53:33  The transcendence doesn’t come from those those walks. When I was with my father, when he pointed a cloud and said, how beautiful. Right. That was just kind of amusing. The transcendence came from sitting with my father as he cried for seven hours about something or, you know, listening to the same stories that my father told about all the regrets in his life over and over, the same ones every day for years until, like, I felt like I just couldn’t take it anymore. And in that one moment when he would lean over and put his arm around me and say, thank you. You know, amongst all this immense suffering, there are these moments of humanity. And I think that’s where the transcendence comes. If you don’t embrace the worst, you can’t experience the best. You can’t split it into. I’m only going to have these nice moments with my dad. They won’t mean anything. It’s embracing the full humanity of my father, the worst of him. That we find those moments of transcendence when we’re able to kind of get above that.

Matthew Quick 00:54:38  And even though I’ve seen my father for 50, almost 53 years now, the absolute worst of him, and it’s really bad to accept that and still be able to love him and see some of the best in a healthy way. Again, not evacuating who I am, like not being codependent, but showing up fully present after having done the work, showing up fully sober, you know, and choosing not to evacuate him in my life, embracing that full package and loving him. That’s been deeply healing for me. It’s been incredibly hard, but there was a time when I was shrinking a lot. When I would have said, this person is not acceptable to me out of my life, and I would have lost out on so much if I had done. I mean, I did that with my father for a while, but if I had not come back and chosen to see the full spectrum of humanity, I would still be a deeply sick person. And I think that’s the thing that I didn’t realize when I was drinking so much.

Matthew Quick 00:55:45  And before I had done the work that I think somehow I thought I was getting even with my dad by having this kind of f u attitude like, you’re done. You don’t deserve time with me, but I don’t think that ever really hurt him, you know? I don’t think he even really thought about it when I wasn’t around, but it hurt me in a way that I didn’t understand back then that I understand now. Yeah, yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:56:08  Well, I think that is a beautiful place to wrap up, Matthew. It is always such a pleasure. Holding up the book, dad love Me. It’s a it’s a great story. It’s a great memoir. Thank you.

Matthew Quick 00:56:19  Thank you so much.

Eric Zimmer 00:56:20  You and I are going to keep talking in the post-show conversation because I just love talking with you. Listeners, if you’d like to get access to that, as well as add free episodes and support an independent show that always needs support, you can go to one ufi.net. Thank you Matthew.

Matthew Quick 00:56:39  Thanks for having me Eric.

Matthew Quick 00:56:40  It’s been a pleasure.

Eric Zimmer 00:56:41  Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought-provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity, but we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the One You Feed community.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

How Small Choices Create Lasting Change (Eric on The Jordan Harbinger Show)

July 17, 2026 Leave a Comment

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In this special episode, we’re sharing Eric’s recent appearance on The Jordan Harbinger Show. Eric joins Jordan to explore the ideas behind his book, How a Little Becomes a Lot, including why lasting change rarely comes from one dramatic breakthrough, how all-or-nothing thinking keeps us stuck, and what it means to build a better life through small, repeatable choices. They also discuss Eric’s journey through addiction and recovery, the hidden forces that derail our best intentions, and how reducing resistance can help us keep moving toward what matters—even when motivation disappears.

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Key Takeaways:

  • Eric shares his story of addiction and the small choices that led him to recovery.
  • Why dramatic turning points matter less than the daily decisions that follow.
  • The “little by little” approach to creating lasting behavioral change.
  • How all-or-nothing thinking keeps us stuck—and what works instead.
  • Why motivation is unreliable and consistency matters more.
  • Making habits easier by reducing resistance and lowering the barrier to starting.
  • Breaking big goals into small wins that build momentum.
  • The six common ways we sabotage our own self-control.
  • Why changing your actions can reshape your thoughts and emotions.
  • How flexibility—not perfection—is the key to sustaining change over time.

Jordan is the host of The Jordan Harbinger Show, where he interviews leading entrepreneurs, celebrities, creators and experts on psychology, performance, life and success. For all his work in the field, Forbes named Jordan one of the 50 best relationship-builders in the world, and Inc. Magazine recently called him “the Larry King of Podcasting.” Jordan has shared his ideas around the world as a speaker and consultant. His work has been presented in Silicon Valley (at companies such as Google, Apple, Twitter, and Square) and to various government branches and agencies (including all branches of the U.S. Military, the Department of State, and Department of Defense). He has also given talks on security, social-engineering and psychology to BlackHat, DEFCON and Harvard Business School, and has advised private companies and law-enforcement agencies on their security and communications. On The Jordan Harbinger Show, Jordan shares all of this experience—and the system born as a result—with his listeners.

Connect with Jordan Harbinger: Website | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn

If you enjoyed this conversation with Eric and Jordan Harbinger, check out these other episodes:

If you enjoyed this conversation between Jordan Harbinger and Eric Zimmer, check out these other episodes:

⁠How Small Changes Lead to Lasting Transformation in Your Life with Eric Zimmer⁠

⁠How to Make Lasting Changes with John Norcross

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Episode Transcript:

Eric Zimmer 00:00:00  You could hop on Instagram and within an hour you could have ten new changes you think you need to make in your life. And we can’t make ten changes. We can make a couple at best usually. And so having the patience to say, like, I’m going to work on this, this is the thing I’m going to work on. And staying with it is how a little actually does become a lot.

Chris Forbes 00:00:28  Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts. We have quotes like garbage in, garbage out or you are what you think ring true. And yet for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:13  On today’s episode, I’m the Guest. This is a conversation with Jordan Harbinger, who’s a good friend and has had a podcast about as long as I have. So he’s a real pro, and we talk about my book, How a Little Becomes a Lot, lightly edited for this show. In the conversation with him, I talk about being at a party in the Hollywood Hills and standing in that house, and what I wanted was money. Two nights later, I was in a room full of starving artists, and what I wanted was their life. I tend to want whatever is put in front of me. Commercials sometimes work on me embarrassingly well. So how do you tell which desires are actually yours? Jordan and I get into that and plenty more. I hope you enjoy this conversation.

Jordan Harbinger 00:01:59  So you opened this book, which we’ll link in the show notes, which is what honestly sounds like the worst possible version of your life. You’re about £100 or whatever you said you were. You got hepatitis. You’re a heroin addict.

Jordan Harbinger 00:02:12  You’re maybe going to prison at some point or just killing yourself inadvertently with drugs. What does that actually feel like day to day?

Eric Zimmer 00:02:20  This is a long time ago, so it’s hard to fully bring it into view. But I would say it’s a pretty miserable existence. It is essentially a few moments a day where you get high and feel good for five minutes at that point, and the rest of it is fear and craving and despair and shame, you know, having to hustle to figure out how to get the money that I needed. So there’s crime involved. It’s really a lousy, lousy way of life.

Jordan Harbinger 00:02:53  I mean, it sounds miserable. And everybody who sees it, it looks miserable, but obviously. Well, I guess that appropriate next question is how do you get started with something like that? Because it seems like you see heroin addicts and you go, wow, I would never do that. But that somehow didn’t happen with you.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:09  It’s ironic that I became a heroin addict who’s afraid of needles as I was and am.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:15  I mean, it started like probably most everybody starts with you start experimenting with alcohol and drugs as a teenager. And I reacted oddly from the very beginning. I remember drinking one of my first times, drinking and waking up the next morning, and there was the vodka was still there, and I went to the fridge and I pulled out orange juice. I poured the vodka in and I started drinking. That is just an unusual behavior. I learned that you could get drunk drinking scope mouthwash.

Jordan Harbinger 00:03:46  Oh, man.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:47  Then I learned that in order to offset the problems with that, you could drink half a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. I was on a church youth trip where I unleashed this secret upon all my fellow people. But none of them wanted to do the Pepto-Bismol trick, so everybody was vomiting.

Jordan Harbinger 00:04:04  This is a church trip. The pastor must have loved you for sharing this with the group.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:08  Oh, exactly. I was invited back promptly. And then, strangely enough, I stopped using drugs and alcohol in high school because I had started this tutoring program for disadvantaged kids, and I just saw what alcohol and drug use was doing to their lives.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:22  But when I was 18, my best friend started dating my girlfriend.

Jordan Harbinger 00:04:26  That hurts a lot.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:27  It hurts. And so somebody said, have a drink. I said, sure, and from that moment on, I was rarely sober. Again, it was alcohol. It was weed. And then I played music in bands and I joined a new band, and I was, you know, going to band practice. And these folks were, I mean, more messed up than I was. And I was like, what is wrong with these people? Well, I mean, what was wrong with them was they were heroin users. And one of them said, you want to try it? And I said, sure. And that began several years of misery.

Jordan Harbinger 00:05:00  Yeah. I mean, it just does not. Well, it all starts from pain, I suppose, but then it just gets worse from there. Do you tell the story about getting money from your grandpa? Take us through this, because I think a lot of us can put ourselves in your shoes, and it’s upsetting.

Eric Zimmer 00:05:14  Yeah, I had been sober about a week at this point, and I was convinced that I was done. I was able to see, like, I’m dying, I’m going to jail. I was done, and I was sort of excited about the next chapter of my life and was around Christmas. And I went to the Zimmer family Christmas party, and my grandpa handed me my gift, which was an envelope. I opened the envelope and in it was $25, which just happened to be the exact amount that one thing of heroin was a baggie. I don’t know what the hell we called it then. And immediately that voice that I wished wasn’t there in my head. Just start it up, you know, yelling to go get high. And I resisted it for a little bit, but not for very long. And I called my dealer who said, meet me at AutoZone, which was the shitty place in Columbus. We’d meet behind by drugs. And I remember the drive there. It was winter.

Eric Zimmer 00:06:10  It was snowing. Aerosmith’s Dream On was playing on the radio, and I was sobbing because I so desperately didn’t want to do it. And yet I had no ability not to do it at the same time, which is a really awful feeling.

Jordan Harbinger 00:06:26  Well, yeah. And I think a lot of people can put themselves in your shoes, maybe not with the heroin part, but in the feeling that you’re doing something and you’re letting other people down and you’re letting yourself down and you can’t help yourself and you feel shame, but also compulsion at the same time. And again, you know, most people aren’t probably heroin addicts or former heroin addicts, but I think we’ve all eaten something we know we shouldn’t be eating, or have done something that’s making us sick, or have drank or whatever. Done something to someone that we regret and even in the moment. And we’re like, I shouldn’t do this. And then it’s like, But I’m going to do it anyway. And you’re just like, why? Why am I this person? And I think a lot of us can imagine letting down your grandpa.

Jordan Harbinger 00:07:03  I mean, for most of us, the only thing that’s worse than letting down your grandpa is like letting down your own kids or something like that. I mean, it’s way up there.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:10  Yeah, it’s got to be up there. Luckily, I didn’t take him with me to AutoZone, so I spared him that indignity. Yeah, all of us know that feeling of watching ourselves make exactly the wrong choice. And by wrong, I mean the choice. You know, the best part of us knows we shouldn’t make.

Jordan Harbinger 00:07:26  Well in your life. And in the book, there’s this moment people love to latch on to this, right? You walk back into the room and you’re like, all right, I’m gonna get clean. And like, in the Hollywood version of this, you do. You just get clean. There’s a montage of you, I don’t know, jogging or hitting a punching bag in, like, going and volunteering at an old folks home instead of doing heroin. And it’s like, oh, good job, buddy.

Jordan Harbinger 00:07:46  But with the book, you’re largely saying it’s not this moment that changes your life. So what does.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:53  Yeah. What you’re describing is a moment in the book where I agree to go to long term treatment, and that would be the big moment. Or we often talk about hitting rock bottom or this one thing occurs, but that moment is only significant because of all the thousands of little choices I made after. If I had not made those choices, I would not have stayed sober. And that moment would be just like all the others that I thought I was going to get clean and failed at. And so we over prioritized sort of the epiphany, the watershed moment. And we tend to under appreciate all the little steps that we make along the way. After that, there are how we actually change.

Jordan Harbinger 00:08:36  Why do you think people latch onto the watershed moment? Because it’s sexy. It’s kind of like easy to wrap our minds around the time that this thing happened.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:45  Yeah, it’s a good story. I mean, we love stories.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:47  We like drama And the truth is a little more boring. You know the truth. As I’m saying it here is a little bit more boring to say, like, well, yeah, that was important, but I didn’t hit the punching bag three times. Visit for old people in the nursing home and suddenly I was fixed, right? I got better a little bit by a little bit. Day after day, you know, choosing to go to a meeting, choosing to call my sponsor instead of my dealer, choosing to drive a different route home instead of going by a bar. All those little choices, none of which are monumental in and of themselves, though, are what makes the difference.

Jordan Harbinger 00:09:23  I guess it makes sense to go buy drugs there behind AutoZone. Now you can’t go buy new windshield wipers because you have to go to AutoZone. I mean, what do you gotta do? You have to avoid those triggers forever.

Eric Zimmer 00:09:33  Yeah, I still take the bus everywhere. I haven’t owned a car since.

Jordan Harbinger 00:09:37  Oh, man. Yeah. Oh, man. I can’t refill the wiper fluid. It’s triggering for me. I need honey, I need you to do it. how long are you to lean on this? Excuse, Eric. All right. Yeah, you told me on the phone. I mean, this is years hence, right? I mean, you told me this a couple of months ago. You ended up having to drive. Was it OxyContin or oxycodone to your mom? You said something kind of, I don’t know. Funny is quite the right word. But you said something that I thought was in the moment, quite funny, as you were, like, I would have robbed you at gunpoint for those a few years ago. And I didn’t even think about popping those instead of driving into my mom. So you you have kind of, like, completely turned the ship around when it comes to this.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:18  Yeah. The story that we told about me driving to AutoZone opens up a chapter in the book, and the last story in that chapter is exactly what you said.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:27  I had been picking up oxycodone at the pharmacy and driving it to my mom for several weeks before I even thought about it. And yeah, I would have probably robbed you at gunpoint for those. And now they had about as much emotional significance as a loaf of bread, which is incredible. I don’t tell that story to brag. I tell the story because it shows that what often seems completely insurmountable to us can become second nature down the road. I don’t struggle not to do drugs anymore. It’s not there in that kind of day to day struggle. Now, there’s things that I do that I think keep myself mentally and emotionally healthy enough that those cravings or those feelings don’t come back. But yeah, it’s disappeared as a problem for me and for anybody that’s dealing with the compulsion. That’s part of what’s hard is you think about life without it, and you just imagine that you’ll always want it. Like, yeah, maybe I could give up whatever your thing is. Gambling, I don’t know, maybe I could give up gambling, but I’d always miss it.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:31  I’d always wish I could do it. And the truth of people who get over these things is that’s not true. The thing just ceases to be attractive to you. Which seems impossible. From where I was sitting at one time, I would not have believed you if you told me that I might have believed. Yeah, maybe. Maybe I could stay sober. But I would not have believed that I no longer would care about heroin. That was inconceivable.

Jordan Harbinger 00:11:58  Yeah. You just. What? Thought you’d eventually develop willpower to resist it on a daily basis.

Eric Zimmer 00:12:03  Exactly. Yep.

Jordan Harbinger 00:12:04  So it turns out that it’s the boring stuff. The unsexy stuff that actually helps you change. So I would love to talk about this because first of all, why does the boring stuff work?

Eric Zimmer 00:12:14  Well, I don’t think it works because it’s boring.

Jordan Harbinger 00:12:17  Well, of course not. But there’s no montage, right? It’s just kind of like. All right. I slowly recovered from this situation.

Eric Zimmer 00:12:24  I mean, I think part of it.

Eric Zimmer 00:12:25  Right, is that anything that we are trying to change that is meaningful tends to be something that is just going to have to continue to go on for a long time. You don’t get in shape once and then it’s over. You don’t eat healthy once and it’s over. These are like lifestyle changes. And so they have to be something that we can continue to do. And the problem for most of us, a lot of the time is we take on too much. We think that we can start working out 90 minutes a day. Also, add cold plunges in journaling and meditation, and I’m going to make all that happen.

Jordan Harbinger 00:13:03  And you got to quit smoking at the same time.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:04  Yeah, yeah. And so we try that and we inevitably fail at least part of it. And then we have a tendency when we don’t succeed at doing something, we have a tendency to then conclude we can’t do it and give up what the little by little approach allows us to do is to set our goals reasonably enough that we can succeed at them, and success builds upon itself, right? We know motivation goes up when we feel good about ourselves and good at our chances of something happening, and it goes down.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:39  When we feel bad about ourselves or we doubt our ability. So by doing something that we’re able to do, we become more motivated and we can build over time if we need to. And little by little, I mean something actually very specific. I mean low resistance actions done consistently over time in the same direction. So it doesn’t necessarily mean tiny low resistance for you. And I might be different. You might be in really good shape. And so going to the gym for 45 minutes for you, it’s not that hard. I, on the other hand, might be wildly out of shape and go to the gym for 45 minutes would be way too hard. I could never sustain.

Jordan Harbinger 00:14:18  A near lethal experience if you’re in terrible shape.

Eric Zimmer 00:14:21  Exactly. So it means what can I get myself to do? And then consistently over time is how it starts to accumulate. And then in the same direction is also important because you could hop on Instagram and within an hour you could have ten new changes you think you need to make in your life.

Eric Zimmer 00:14:39  And we can’t make ten changes. We can make. A couple at best usually. And so having the patience to say like I’m going to work on this. This is the thing I’m going to work on. And staying with it is how a little actually does become a lot.

Jordan Harbinger 00:14:54  How do people not lose motivation? Because it seems like with motivation, with the idea that you have to stick with something, it’s good to have a big emotional payoff. And that’s really hard when it’s the big emotional payoff is washboard abs and a spray tan or whatever not. I went to the gym on Monday, you see what I’m saying? Like, I think a lot of people, they get motivated by this, like big. Yeah. What is it called? Big hairy audacious goals. That’s like the yeah, that’s a trendy thing people talk about. They have those because it’s like so insanely motivating to think, oh, I’m gonna, I don’t know, have a YouTube channel that a million people watch all of my vlogs about Pokemon.

Jordan Harbinger 00:15:29  That’s motivating. Showing up and turning the camera on. Not motivating maybe.

Eric Zimmer 00:15:34  Well, yeah. And I don’t think there’s a one size fits all prescription for anybody on anything. You know, This book is for people who have found themselves struggling to make changes. If you can set a big, hairy, audacious goal and you can change your life overnight and you can just keep doing it, I would set this book down. Sure, and I would keep going. But for the rest of us, this is an approach that works. But I agree with you because you’re right. We do things emotionally, and one of the problems of little by little is you get into this long middle where not much is happening. So I think there’s a few different ways to work on that. Even if you have a big goal, it always makes sense to deconstruct it into smaller goals along the way because then you are getting emotional payoff, right? I had to write a book or I got to write a book.

Jordan Harbinger 00:16:29  I was going to say, you did make that choice. That one’s on you, Eric.

Eric Zimmer 00:16:32  It is 100%. I got to write a book. It’s a big undertaking. And so what I divided the book up into to begin with was simply writing sessions, and if I did the writing session, I tried to celebrate that, and then I got to divide it into chapters. I’d be like, oh, look, the intro is done. Oh, look, the first chapter is done, even though the end goal was certainly a whole book, but there’s emotional payoff along the way. There’s a couple other things that we can tune into, and one of them is that when we do what we say we’re going to do, essentially, if we make and keep promises to ourselves, there is a satisfaction in that. There’s an internal alignment that we feel when we do that. And so if we can tune into that, there is emotional payoff every time there. And we can also tune into when we don’t do what we say we’re going to do.

Eric Zimmer 00:17:28  We know how that feels. It doesn’t feel good. So those are more subtle clues than the six pack abs, but they’re real clues.

Jordan Harbinger 00:17:35  That’s a good point. I’ve never regretted making a workout right in the morning. It’s never. Probably never happened to me. Never. But I always feel like such crap. If even if I’m sick and barfing and have a fever of 104, if I skip a workout, I’m like, I feel guilty. And my trainer is like, why you? I don’t even want to see you in this condition. What are you talking about? Yeah, and you still feel bad skipping a workout? Exactly. There is. The parable of a little becomes a lot. Tell me about this man who chiseled through a mountain. It’s funny because you told me that story on the phone. And then I heard it again from a friend, like five days later, which I thought was a story I’ve never heard before, was told to me by two different friends in the same week.

Jordan Harbinger 00:18:14  I thought that was kind of a fun coincidence.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:16  Yeah, strangely enough, I came across it sometime in the last few months too, and I was like,

Jordan Harbinger 00:18:21  When did it happen? Is it recent or is that why?

Eric Zimmer 00:18:24  No, it’s not recent. It is not recent. I don’t know exactly when it happened, but I feel like it’s like maybe my parents generation or maybe my grandparents generation. It’s not.

Jordan Harbinger 00:18:33  New. It’s totally not recent at all. All right. Not at all. It took its time making its way over to the west.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:38  Yeah, there was a guy named Dashrath who lived in rural India, and his wife became sick, and he took her to the nearest hospital, which took about two hours to get to, and she died on the way. As the crow flies, it’s about 15 minutes to that hospital, but there’s a ridge in between them. And so this guy comes back and he takes out a chisel, and he starts chiseling away at the wall, and people think, what? This guy’s nuts.

Eric Zimmer 00:19:07  Okay. Everybody responds to grief differently, but this guy is saying he’s going to chisel through this mountain to get to the town faster. That’s crazy. It’s never going to happen. Well, he just keeps showing up day after day. He keeps chiseling away, and slowly he begins to make progress. And so the people in the town are starting to become kind of impressed by this. And they’re like, okay, well, yeah, here, here’s a new hammer, here’s a chisel, and let me help for a little while. You know, here’s some food. Well, eventually the guy chisels This small little passage, not very wide and not very far. Actually, I don’t know exactly. Far enough. But he basically makes a cut through a little path to the other place. And now people can get medical care in 15 minutes. Wow. And so what seemed impossible a guy did by just showing up and doing his little bit again and again and again and again. And I think that’s a really powerful story in that regard.

Eric Zimmer 00:20:06  I think luckily for most of it, I mean, you talk about to your point, like the emotional payoff. This guy had nothing until it went all the way through.

Jordan Harbinger 00:20:14  If you stop one foot from the end of that, you have wasted your time. Essentially.

Eric Zimmer 00:20:18  Exactly. Now, for most of us, luckily, that’s not the case, right? We start taking positive action in our life towards things that matter to us. We start getting benefits. So our little bit, we don’t have to wait till it’s a lot for us to get some degree of benefit from it. But he did. But it’s still a very inspirational story of again. What seems impossible can be done if you just have the persistence to do it.

Jordan Harbinger 00:21:10  I’m going to run it right now by saying, okay, fine, Eric, cute story, but what if I pick up one piece of litter a day off the ground? That’s not gonna do anything.

Eric Zimmer 00:21:17  No, it’s not.

Jordan Harbinger 00:21:18  Unless people stop littering, in which case I’ll eventually clean it up.

Jordan Harbinger 00:21:21  I guess that’s where my analogy breaks down.

Eric Zimmer 00:21:23  But actually, it’s funny that you bring this example up because I was just walking last night, and I’ve got this little trail that goes around, like where I live, and there’s a fence and there’s a freeway over there. On the other side of it is just trash. Lots of trash. Yeah. And I came around and there was just this little corner, and it occurred to me like, you know what? I could clean that corner up. You know, if every time I came by here, I picked up a piece or two of trash, eventually this little corner would not have litter in it. So, no, I cannot solve all the world’s litter problems by picking up a couple of pieces of it. But we’re all faced with that to some degree. There’s nothing we can do that solves a lot of problems in general, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t make situations better, and it certainly doesn’t mean that we can’t make our lives better by doing little things, you know, 15 minute meditation practice a day, done very consistently over a long period of time if meditation is the right thing for you.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:24  So I’m not saying it’s right for everybody, but for some people it’s very beneficial. We’ll make a really big difference.

Jordan Harbinger 00:22:29  Why do we resist change so much? I mean, it seems like my brain, even when I know something is wrong, is kind of like, hey, maybe don’t change anything ever. And not for even a good reason. Just like homeostasis just feels good to me.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:44  Maybe I use the example in the book of the biological idea of homeostasis, which means that our systems are always trying to balance themselves out. Your body doesn’t want you to get too hot. It doesn’t want to get too cold. It kind of wants to keep you in the same place. And I think that we, particularly in today’s world, can find a little place that’s mostly comfortable, that we don’t really want to leave because it kind of feels good in there, and it’s easy and it doesn’t demand anything more of us. And yet for a lot of us, there’s a nagging feeling underneath it that says like, oh, I could be more than this.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:21  I could do more than this. I want to do more than this. I want to be different than this. I don’t know why we always have resistance. I mean, I’ve asked this question a ton of times on my podcast because I’m like, like you, every single time I do a workout, when I’m done, I’m like, I’m so glad I did that. Yeah, 100%. Yes. And at this point in my life, we are talking thousands upon thousands of repetitions. You should think I would run to exercise every day.

Jordan Harbinger 00:23:50  Yeah, I still think about what excuse I can come up with that would be.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:54  And yet I don’t. Yes. Which amazes me. And the best answer I’ve been able to come up with is, you know, from evolutionary psychologists who are like, look, the body just does not put out more effort than it needs to unless there is a very clear, tangible, survival based reason.

Jordan Harbinger 00:24:12  Right? Like, I’m going to run if I’m being chased by a leopard like.

Jordan Harbinger 00:24:16  But otherwise, yeah, I’m not doing it, man. Forget about.

Eric Zimmer 00:24:19  It. Or there’s an entire field of strawberries over there that’s going to supply me and my family with food for two weeks. It’s worth the caloric output. But if you just ran around all the time back then and you didn’t gather your caloric input, you die. Yeah. You see it in animals. They just don’t do anything they don’t need to do. Generally, they tend to just sort of hang out. And I think we’re a little bit the same. So I do think that we need nudged into places that we want to be because there is a better, wiser part of us that wants more, wants things to be different. And there’s an animal inside of us. It’s like.

Jordan Harbinger 00:24:57  Yeah, I hear that. Some of it’s biological, right? Like you want to eat better and suddenly you’re craving potato chips or carbs or whatever the heck it is. There’s a biological reason for that. But there’s other things I do that I just can’t wrap my head around the level of self-sabotage.

Jordan Harbinger 00:25:11  So I wanted to go to bed earlier. This is a while ago, before I had kids. Now. Now I go to bed with my kids. I don’t have a choice. And actually, that’s been the best thing for my sleep ever in some ways. But before I’d be like, I’m going to go to bed and I’m gonna be in bed before ten, and then I’m scrolling on my phone for hours until the normal time I would go to bed and I’m like, I slept the same. Well, I did look at Instagram for it’s just the dumbest thing in the world. Or I would want to be productive and I would go in, sit in this like lock myself in my office, and I would come out and I’d be like, okay, I didn’t do anything. But you know what? My desk is clean, it’s organized. Everything is parallel and perpendicular and all the drawers. I got some boxes I threw away. I replaced the Kleenex box. I mean, just the dumbest busy work.

Jordan Harbinger 00:25:54  And it’s like anything to avoid sitting down and typing the notes for this podcast. Basically.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:59  Yeah. A lot of the book is about that question. Yeah, less about why? Because I don’t know always why, but more about how do we solve it. Yeah. And I think there are two things we have to figure out when it comes to making a behavioral change. And the first I call structural, this is like knowing why you want to do something, knowing exactly what you’re going to do, how you’re going to do it, being very specific about it, making sure you have the tools to do it, making sure you have people to support you in doing it. Setting up your environment to make it easier to do it. It’s all structural and that often solves a lot of problems. It’s stupid things like if I look at my task list, the things that sit on there for a while are the things that are not one task. They’re actually like five tasks that I’ve called one.

Jordan Harbinger 00:26:49  Thing, oh, I’ve made this mistake before.

Jordan Harbinger 00:26:50  Your to do list has like write book on it. Exactly.

Eric Zimmer 00:26:54  It’s ridiculous that I should need to deconstruct getting taxes done into the first step, which is go gather up all the mail that’s in the eight different places in my house. Right? But it does matter when I do that. When I get that specific, I do it. So the structural carries us a long way. And then there is what I would call the inner meaning. I know exactly what to do. I know how to do it. It’s all clear. The moment is here. I call it a choice point. I’m at that moment and I don’t do it. That is something that’s happening inside me. I’m saying something to myself, or I’m feeling something in that moment that I don’t know how to get over, and I just turn away. And so in the book, I identify, I call them six saboteurs of self-control, which are like six categories of the sort of things that go wrong in that moment. And all we have to learn to do is not change our entire psyche.

Eric Zimmer 00:27:52  We have to learn. How do I navigate that moment? So writing a book for me? A big one was I just doubted I could do it. If I’m going to be more specific, I doubted I could write a good book. I mean, I was sure I could get a book out, but I doubted I could do a good book. And so that I call, you know, in my Little Six Saboteurs, I call the self-doubt stalemate, which can stop us from doing something. I just find myself not writing. And until I really pause and get myself to the point where I’m like, it is time to write right now, so I’m not procrastinating. Generally, I’m procrastinating very specifically. I can then look and go, all right, what am I thinking? What am I feeling? And when I would do that, what I would see is there’s a voice in me that was like, you can’t do it. And so nobody wants to feel that you turn away. That’s a yucky feeling.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:43  Instead, I could learn just to say to myself something along the lines of, well, I don’t know if you can write a good book or not, but I do know that if you sit down and write, you’re going to feel better about yourself and you have a way better chance of getting better at writing. In order to write a book, I didn’t have to give myself a pep talk like, look out, Hemingway! Here comes Zimmer! I just needed to get that voice to just settle down just enough to do it. But most of us are not aware of what that is, because either we haven’t gotten specific enough to push us to a choice point, or we blow right by it without really understanding what we’re thinking or feeling.

Jordan Harbinger 00:29:23  You talk about this behavior model in the book motivation, ability and prompts. And most people think motivation is the key, but you kind of make the argument that motivation is unreliable at best, which I would completely agree with. I think a lot of people I should include myself.

Jordan Harbinger 00:29:37  We think we get motivated and then we do something. But often, as we alluded to with our gym analogy, we often act and then the motivation follows after that.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:46  Yeah, I do think motivation is part of the equation. You can’t take it out of the equation. We do things for a reason, and we need to feel like what we’re doing matters, and we need to reconnect to that. And it is very fickle, right? If you don’t feel good one day, your motivation is naturally going to be lower. So what we need is to be able to make the ability how hard something is to do easier to do. So for example, if we go back to our exercise one, if I’m not feeling particularly perky in the morning, which is pretty much every morning and I need to go get on the peloton bike. That’s my goal. My brain tends to do like. I’m sort of oversimplifying, but I think what it does is I think it does this little calculation. It’s like, all right, we’re going to go get on the bike for an hour.

Eric Zimmer 00:30:34  That’s going to take ten units of energy. And I check in and my brain is like, well, but wait, we’ve only got one. That’s not going to work. I keep scrolling Substack, but when I change it to like, just get your bike shoes on. My brain can sort of do the math, like, oh yeah, that takes about a unit of energy. I’ve got a unit of energy. Okay, maybe we can do this right? And I get there. Getting started is a surprisingly powerful trick, because once I get that far, I almost always keep going. And then about ten minutes in, I’m like, oh, I’m so glad I’m doing this.

Jordan Harbinger 00:31:04  Oh yeah, this is the whole like instead of saying, you’re going to go run five miles, just put your running shoes on is cliche as that is, that’s when I ran. I don’t anymore because I decided I didn’t like it after two years, but that was what I did. I mean, that’s a fair shake, right? Two years of running.

Jordan Harbinger 00:31:18  And then I was like, I don’t like it. That’s fair. At some point, you have to admit to yourself that you’re allowed to tell yourself that something sucks. But yeah, I remember I would get up in the morning while I was in law school and I was like, oh, it’s snowing. It’s Michigan. This is terrible. All right, I don’t have to go run. I just have to put my shoes on and then go stand outside and, like, get that initial blast of cold air. And if I’m like, screw this. And I go back in the house. I did it once. It was like, freeze, sleet. We call it freezing rain. And I was like, it’s so dang cold. It’s still dark. It’s freezing rain. Everything is slippery, I almost fell. This is just dangerous. I’m not doing it today. But every other time I ran and I would run five miles in the stinking snow in Michigan in the winter. So you’re not saying try harder, though.

Jordan Harbinger 00:32:04  You’re basically just saying make it easier. Which sounds almost too simple, but it does sort of hack that part of our brain, that motivational part.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:11  Yeah. It does. I mean, it is a cliche. It’s been talked about a lot, and yet I accomplish a good 50% of anything I accomplish in life. Basically, using using that trick, I’d like to think I don’t. You know. Oh, I wouldn’t.

Jordan Harbinger 00:32:25  Even need it anymore. Yeah, no, not the case.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:27  You know, because resistance is real. And so how do we get started? There was a line that I heard early in recovery, and it said, sometimes you can’t think your way into right action. You have to act your way in the right thinking. And that really made a big difference because I could not particularly then control whether or not I wanted to get high. My thinking was just all messed up, but what I was given was clear things to do. Go to the meeting. Then when you get to the meeting, shake hands, and then afterwards clean up the coffee.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:00  I mean, I was given actions and what I found though is when I did the action, my inner state started to change. So my sponsor might say, go to the meeting and walk around the room and shake hands with everybody. Which sounds like the worst possible thing I could ever imagine doing. Why? Why would he ask me to do it?

Jordan Harbinger 00:33:18  Why is it so bad to shake hands with people in a room? I’m confused.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:21  Well, because a I’m a shame filled introvert addict who’s shy and feels like I don’t belong anywhere. But I would do it. And suddenly what I would feel is now I would feel more like I did belong there. Not by thinking, oh, I belong, I belong, I bet I belong, but by doing something that shifted my inner state into feeling like I belong. And that’s often the case. I think about it this way sometimes, like we know that, you know, emotion, thought and behavior all kind of interwoven with each other. Emotion doesn’t have a lever on it.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:59  You can’t just reach out and pull the feel better, feel happy lever. It doesn’t have.

Jordan Harbinger 00:34:04  One. You tried that. It’s called heroin. It’s not good for you. Yeah, exactly.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:08  Exactly, exactly. Thoughts? We have a little more control over. You can’t control what shows up in your head, but you can control what you do, but behavior is absolutely something we do have control over. So it is often a really useful starting point. Even if what you want is to change emotion, behavior is a useful way to do it. It’s a starting place now. It’s not always the starting place, and you do need to work on all three. And that’s what the book is really trying to bring together. But behavior is a very useful starting point.

Jordan Harbinger 00:34:40  So essentially we pull the lever of it we can easily reach or the one that exists. I guess in this case.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:45  Yeah, it’s the easier one to pull now. Not always because our emotion controls, you know, dictates our desire to do behavior.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:55  So I’m not trying to oversimplify something, but I am saying it is a more reliable lever. It’s the exercise. Once you start, once you do the behavior, you pull the lever. Suddenly you feel like doing it. Now that you’re doing it.

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Jordan Harbinger 00:37:04  If somebody hasn’t worked out, hasn’t been productive, hasn’t done anything. Whatever it is, someone sitting there with zero momentum. What is the first move? Not something aspirational, but something that somebody can actually do.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:15  What that’s going to be is going to be different per person.

Jordan Harbinger 00:37:18  Sure.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:18  But what I would start with is what is a small version of this that I can do right now, or in an hour or as soon as possible? What is a version of this that gets me moving towards where I want to be, that I can get myself to do?

Jordan Harbinger 00:37:38  Yeah, this is smart.

Jordan Harbinger 00:37:38  I’ve heard people tell me they don’t have time to work out. And I said, what are you talking about? And they’re like, well, if I’m going to work out, I’m going to go all in, and I want to do it every day, and I want to do it for an hour. And I was like, okay, so you’re waiting until you’re retired, I guess, to start exercising, even though you could just do something for 20 minutes. It’s not a real excuse. Kind of. It’s fake. I think it’s to keep them from having to do anything. Well, I can’t do it my way. So, you know, one of my friends was like, oh, I can’t work out because he’s overweight. Said, I can’t work out because I go all in on everything and I’m going to be doing like, protein powders and peptides, which I can’t afford right now, and working out like two hours a day. And I’m like. So your other choices to be literally £200 overweight, like, I just don’t buy it.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:20  It doesn’t make any sense. And people are this way. There’s a lot of all or nothing. Thinking for a number of years, I did a lot of coaching and I called myself a behavior coach, essentially. And people would hire me. And you only hire someone like me when you just are not being successful at doing something. The number of people that were like that, that were either they’re doing it perfectly or they’re not doing it at all. And that is a huge trap because it can stop you from even getting started. And it can also knock you off track. Because if we’re going to do anything like exercise over a long period of time, you’ve probably noticed this to some degree. You’ve got to have some degree of flexibility in it because your life changes. You’re traveling, your mom gets sick, your kids get sick, your dog gets sick. Our lives are not simple enough that we can be like every morning, 8 a.m., no matter what I’m exercising. Not if you’ve got kids.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:15  There’s plenty of mornings at 8:00. Chaos is going to rain. Yeah. So my mantra is a little bit of something is better than a lot of nothing. So if I plan to exercise in the morning and I don’t for whatever various reasons, I won’t give up on the day completely. I might say, you know what? All I can do today is a 15 minute walk after dinner. But I’ve honored the underlying desire to be healthier, and I’ve kept a little bit of momentum going because I’ve done something and it avoids that all or nothing trap. Because once we are in nothing, when we are totally stopped, it’s harder to get started than it is when we have some degree of momentum. So I’m always just adjusting and being flexible in order to keep moving.

Jordan Harbinger 00:40:00  Yeah, you know what? I just had a realization here in real time. I think this is kind of why I’m a little bit of a workaholic, I think, because if I completely unplug, which I occasionally do, but is very, very rare.

Jordan Harbinger 00:40:11  I almost always go like, oh, I don’t want to start working again. I just don’t want to. I’m not in the mood. I don’t want to, like, read a book, and I don’t want to sit in my office. I just want to play video games and hang out with my kids. And. But what if I go on vacation and I check my email for half an hour every morning and I just, you know, to keep the inbox down? My wife’s like, you really need to unplug. And I know I do, but I also don’t want to because I know the amount. It’s like just a cold start in January when I have to get back to work. For example, if I unplug over Christmas like a sane person would do, I just can’t do it because I’m like, oh God, it’s going to be. So I’m going to look back at this inbox in January. And if I do a little bit every day, there’s going to be 30 emails in there.

Jordan Harbinger 00:40:52  And if I don’t do any, there’s going to be 300. And I really don’t want to see 300.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:57  Yeah. My old joke was nobody needs a vacation more than the person that just got back from vacation because because you just are rolling in. Now, I have gotten to the place where I do turn off completely, give myself time away. And I face the dread that you’re talking about. It starts to come. And I just try and remind myself. Like you’ll feel that way for like six hours and then you’ll just get past it.

Jordan Harbinger 00:41:20  Yeah. If that.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:21  Honestly, it’s worth it to take the time away to face that six hour misery. Yeah, but I’m just like you. I love what I do, but give me two weeks off coming back. I’m like,

Jordan Harbinger 00:41:31  It’s terrible. It’s funny you should mention that because I was like, how long is the dread? And so last time I timed it and it was under two hours for me to feel like I basically had caught up.

Jordan Harbinger 00:41:42  I’d basically need to go to a coffee shop, get one of those Vietnamese coffees that is like 18 shots of espresso in it or something, one of those drippy ones. And then I go through my inbox and I make a huge ass to do list, and then I that sort of erases my panic. And yet knowing that I’m basically 90 minutes away from feeling like I have my head on straight, I still have trouble taking time off. I guess what I’m trying to say is I almost have too much momentum. It’s not a good thing. I’m not bragging about that. I mean, I need, I like I should not be building a Lego tractor with my son and thinking about how to, I don’t know, optimize some workflow on Google Drive. That’s not.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:18  Healthy. I mean, you know, to each their own as to what works for them, right? I know some people who are like, maybe they, you know, they should be able to completely unplug, but they’re like, you know what? If I check my email for 30 minutes a day while I’m gone, it reduces my anxiety about what’s happening back there enough that I can be present the rest of the time here.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:39  I mean, everybody’s got to do what works for them. We are not all the same.

Jordan Harbinger 00:42:43  I hadn’t really thought about that. But you’re right. I do feel like an itch, which is anxiety. If I don’t just go. There’s nothing important in there. I know, because I looked, I got rid of a lot of low hanging fruit that I wouldn’t have to deal with later. I delegated a few things. Now I can go to the beach and watch my kids throw shells at each other or whatever, and I don’t feel guilty. Or like there’s some kind of water tank filler. Like I made a water tank that’s slowly filling up at my neck level, which is kind of how I sometimes feel if I don’t do that stuff. And there’s some awareness happening in real time here, I think for me, which is making me feel a little bit better, you said something small that makes you feel like you’ve got some momentum. People are gonna game this because I would have gamed it, I think if I had no momentum.

Jordan Harbinger 00:43:27  How small is too small? You don’t want people to go, I want to read more. And then they open a book and read one page and then close it and say, okay, growth achieved. I mean, that’s a ridiculous example, but people are going to do that in some fashion or another, up to the point where they can convince themselves that they’re still moving forward, even if they’re not.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:43  Well, yeah, I mean, I think I would be questioning, you know, what’s the point of gaming that.

Jordan Harbinger 00:43:49  To trick ourselves into doing something we know we have to do when we secretly don’t want to do it? Because homeostasis.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:54  Yeah. Yeah. Well, so I would I would start though to make sure like we actually do know that some part of us wants to do it. I see what’s too small. Depends. It’s different for everybody. But my experience is not that people start too small and trick themselves. My experience is almost always that people start too big and fail.

Jordan Harbinger 00:44:14  That totally makes sense.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:15  Yeah, that’s been my experience with people who are sincerely wanting to make a change and are reasonable people who are not locked in deep self-denial all the time. Those people tend the errors. I try and do too much because to be like, hey, I’m going to meditate for three minutes. Sounds stupid. You’re like, that’s dumb. And the reality is, if you meditate for three minutes a day, it’s probably not going to change your life. You do it every day. You might get a little bit more peace, but three minutes can become five minutes, which can become ten minutes. And that’s often the path, right? We start small and we get some momentum, and we’re better able to do it while keeping it at the same difficulty level. So meditation is a good example I had tried to meditate on and off for a long time. This is pre-internet. The only way to learn meditation was from a book. Or the weird guy in Columbus, Ohio who taught TM.

Jordan Harbinger 00:45:12  Dude, I’m telling you, that’s the same experience. That’s it. There’s one weird guy that your parents are like, is he a pedophile? And you’re like, no, he’s just really weird. And you’re like, at his trailer staring at a wall. And everyone’s like, if you’re not back at two hours, I’m calling the police 100%.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:27  And so I would pick up these books and they would say, you know, you should meditate 30 minutes, 45 minutes, an hour a day. And so I would try that. And that was incredibly hard for me because my brain was pandemonium. I would sit down and it was like the dark circus came to town. It was misery for me. Yeah, I couldn’t get myself to keep doing it. I might be able to do it for a week, maybe a month, but I would eventually give up and then I would come back around. I’d pick up the book again. I’d start reading it, would say, you should meditate for 30 to 45 to an hour.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:58  I would try it, I would fail. This happened two decades, perhaps.

Jordan Harbinger 00:46:02  Yeah. Okay. That makes me feel a little bit better. I think a lot of people probably feel a little bit better.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:06  A long time. Yeah. So finally, at one point, it was after I started the podcast and I started to get introduced to some of these ideas a little bit more and get some clearer things. I was like, you know what? I’m going to meditate for three minutes, but I’m going to do it each day. I can do three minutes. There was a dignity level for me, or I was like, I can’t. No excuse I can make is going to pass muster for why I can’t spend three minutes. And so that was easy enough to do. It was low resistance. I didn’t need a whole lot of motivation to do it. Well, what turned out to happen was that before long, I could sit for five minutes and it was the same level of difficulty because I was getting better at it.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:44  Then I could sit for ten minutes, then I could sit for 15 minutes, and then I could go on week long retreats.

Jordan Harbinger 00:46:50  Oh God, it feels horrible even thinking about having to be quiet for a week.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:54  Yeah, well, you don’t have to. Yeah, that’s the good news. You certainly don’t have to. But that was where I wanted to get with it. But I got there by starting stupidly small and establishing consistency and momentum. And then as I got better at it, as I became more capable. We all know this. It’s the way you work out. You don’t start by bench pressing £250. You can’t do it, but you can start wherever you’re capable of. Yours and I’s would be different if we both took six months off. When we came back to bench press, you might bench press £150 and I might bench press £110. If I tried to do what you were doing, I would give up because it would be too hard. But I could start where I’m at and get better and better and better.

Jordan Harbinger 00:47:39  Have you ever done a darkness retreat? Have you ever tried one of those as opposed to a silent retreat?

Eric Zimmer 00:47:43  I have heard about them, but I have never tried one.

Jordan Harbinger 00:47:45  For people who don’t know what this is. My friend Akshay. Do you know Akshay Nanavati? Is that name ring a bell? Yep, yep. So he’s been a friend of mine for a long time. He’s crazy. I guess. His best way to put it.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:55  He’s given me a decent description.

Jordan Harbinger 00:47:56  The last thing that he did was he told me that he was going to go to Antarctica and cross overland, which he tried to do, which no one has done before. There’s one guy who, like, kind of says he did it, but there’s like no proof or something like that, I can’t remember. But anyway, he’s got to push his food on a sled across Antarctica, and he almost made it. In fact, the reason he didn’t was not because he wasn’t tough enough or whatever it was because it was snowing.

Jordan Harbinger 00:48:19  And instead of walking across like ice pack, he was in deep snow, which made it a million times harder. So he ran out of time because you basically have to pay a rescue crew to, like, wait for you on Antarctica.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:30  Oh yeah.

Jordan Harbinger 00:48:30  I imagine you can’t just be like, yeah, I’ll call you when I need. It’s like, no, we need to be on the continent that you’re on when you’re dying or fall into a crack. So he just basically ran out of, I think, money. And also I’m sure he was sore, but he does these darkness retreats where he’ll be like in Germany, which is because I don’t even know if it’s legal to do this kind of thing here because you’re basically imprisoned by you got to go to the.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:52  Black Forest for.

Jordan Harbinger 00:48:53  This, and there’s no noise and there’s no light and they feed you a smoothie a few times a day to keep you from dying, basically. And it’s the most tasteless thing that they can find. Because the point is, you’re not getting any stimulation.

Jordan Harbinger 00:49:08  And you mentioning that the darkness comes into your head. This is like the whole point for him, right, is you can’t get away. There’s nothing to distract you from these thoughts and things that are in your head because there’s no light, there’s nothing you’re tasting. You’re not looking forward to anything. You’re in there for like a week or ten days or whatever, and you can’t even see anything. Like you can’t even start looking at things to distract yourself. And he said, it’s just like you’re just facing all of your demons in this dark room alone. Which sounds awful to me, but we’re built different.

Eric Zimmer 00:49:37  There’s a part of me that’s like, I’m going to do that. But it does sound awful. I mean, you know, the thing about, like, on a silent meditation retreat is oftentimes you’re encouraged also not to read anything. So there’s no stimulation. And you find yourself like, oh, can I go read the emergency evacuation instructions on the back of the door to have anything.

Eric Zimmer 00:49:57  Yeah, anything except my own thoughts. But at least you get to see things, right?

Jordan Harbinger 00:50:01  Yeah. You can look at a butterfly and that’s like. That’s kind of the point. You’re enjoying nature and enjoying the wonders of nature. No. You’re in a dark room, which I guess has carpeted walls somewhere in the suburbs of Frankfurt. So, speaking of unique folks, you tell the story in the book about this woman whose hand literally fights her, which, again, speaking of things that sound fake alien hand syndrome, apparently a real thing. Tell me about.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:24  That. Yeah, well, if you go in and you sever someone’s corpus callosum, I think is how you say it. Although now that I say that out loud, I feel like I’ve just done a Harry Potter spell, so perhaps.

Jordan Harbinger 00:50:35  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:35  Yeah. I’m not right there. It’s the thing that connects the two sides of your brain together. And if you have epilepsy, one of the ways that they help treat that is they get rid of that.

Jordan Harbinger 00:50:43  They still do that. That sounds. Yeah, like bloodletting. But with your brain. You know what I mean? It sounds right.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:47  No, I think they still do. Yeah. Wow. Because it generally works, but it will cause some unusual things. Sure. And one of those things is that the different sides of your brain can get up to different things. And so this woman had had this happen, and a doctor went to see her shortly after, and one hand was buttoning up her shirt, while the other hand would turn around and just unbutton it. And he was like, oh yeah. Called some people in to look at it. Well, it’s called alien Hand syndrome. And what it basically means is that the hands which are mapped to a side of the brain have a different agenda. Look into, like the split brain studies. They are fascinating. Yeah. You think you’re like a rational, unified creature, and then you start reading this stuff and you’re like, oh man, we are weird.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:34  So, yeah, alien hand syndrome. You know, one hand’s lighting a cigarette, the other hand puts it out, that kind of thing. And I use it because it’s a it’s a great story. And to sort of say that we all have a little bit of that. We talked about it very early on where we want lots of different things. I want to exercise and I want to sit on the couch. I want to write this book, and I don’t know what’s the way I. And I want.

Jordan Harbinger 00:51:58  To play.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:58  Games. Yeah, or yeah, I want to play my guitar or whatever. Whatever your thing is. Sure. We all want multiple things. We’re motivational, complex creatures, and so starting to unravel that a little bit can be really helpful because if we don’t, it does feel a little bit like the alien hand thing. Some part of me is go in this direction and another part of me is going in another direction, and that doesn’t feel good.

Jordan Harbinger 00:52:21  What do we do if the things we want conflict with each other? It’s probably good to give an example of this, because alien hand syndrome essentially says about the brain that those two conflicting wants coexist.

Jordan Harbinger 00:52:30  It’s just that usually our brain, I don’t know, figures out one way to pick one. Whereas with her, which, by the way, that sounds like a Batman villain, someone who’s one hand does one thing and then the other hand does the opposite thing. I mean, that would be I don’t even know who could play a complex role like that, but that would be incredible, right? They light a cigarette and then in a menacing way, and the other hand puts it out immediately or like, takes it out of their hand before they can take a drag. The fact that that’s real is mind blowing.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:54  Totally mind blowing. I’ll give you an example. So even when we think about what’s most important to us, like we get down to the levels of like values, like what do I value? We still have conflict. One of the things I’ve realized is I have a value on adventure. Like I feel most alive. I feel most myself. I feel happiest when I’m out on some sort of adventure.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:19  Not not on oxy adventure. A normal type adventure, right? A normal adventure. So when I feel most alive, I also have a real value on being content right where I’m at. Those are two things that pull on each other, and I don’t think there’s a resolution to the two of them knowing that they’re both there and they’re each pulling, and that that’s totally normal helps me to work with it more skillfully, recognizing that we want multiple different things and that that’s normal, I think can be very helpful instead of thinking there’s something wrong with me. Yeah, that I’m that way.

Jordan Harbinger 00:53:53  Sort of acknowledging that there’s a war inside our head and that all of us have this. It’s just that we don’t all have a hand that can think with the other mind. That’s back. There is an interesting way to look at this. So in the book, though, you do a pretty good job. You mentioned values. You broke this down into values or what we want most. But desires are what we want most right now.

Eric Zimmer 00:54:13  Yeah. The question that I use is, you know, oftentimes of what a lot of us will look at is we’re trading what we want most, what we value for what we want right now. And that’s a pretty common thing that most of us wrestle with. You’ll notice that a lot of your day to day struggles fall into that camp. And so that’s a particular type of thing that we have to learn to work with. And then there is the example I gave is like, what do you do when two things that you really do want most that are really valuable to you are in conflict. You know, anybody that’s got children in a career feel some degree of this. You value both. You value your career and you value your children. And there is a tension there. There is a natural tension there. It’s why everybody talks about work life balance because it doesn’t go away. And that’s okay. I wish it went away. I wish it was simpler, but knowing that everybody feels that I think does make things better.

Eric Zimmer 00:55:10  But when we look at like, what do I want most? Versus what do I want now? What we’re really dealing with is how do I make the future more real? Because what I want most is the thing that’s out in the future, usually. And what I want now is the thing that’s like, right here, you know, how do I make that more real in recovery? We called it playing the tape all the way through is one of the I mean, I learned it in my first week of recovery. What my brain did was just think about how good it would feel to get high.

Jordan Harbinger 00:55:37  Right?

Eric Zimmer 00:55:37  I see I have to keep it going. I have to go. Okay, well then what? Oh, yeah. Well, what’ll happen after that is I’ll feel good for 20 minutes and then the shame will rush in. The despair will rush in the desire to use even more. Will rush in. Oh, and then the fact that I don’t have money that’s there. Oh, and I’m already facing 50 years in prison and you roll it all the way through.

Jordan Harbinger 00:56:02  Were you really facing 50 years in prison?

Eric Zimmer 00:56:04  I was, yeah.

Jordan Harbinger 00:56:05  For what?

Eric Zimmer 00:56:06  Multiple charges of grand theft and forgery.

Jordan Harbinger 00:56:09  Oh, okay. Because I’m like 50 years. Those are murder numbers, man.

Eric Zimmer 00:56:12  No murder. And those are max sentences. Yeah, but, yeah, I had something like six of each.

Jordan Harbinger 00:56:19  Still, though, like, I mean, forging checks or whatever to buy drugs is like 50 years when you’re 20 or 30 years old is essentially a life sentence. I mean, that doesn’t make any sense to me. Although, again, they’re maximum sentences. I would like to think there’s no chance you would have gotten that, but who knows?

Eric Zimmer 00:56:34  Yeah, yeah, well, what I got was this sweetheart, upper middle class white kid deal, which was diversion. They basically said, if you complete this program, will make this all go away. And the program was I had to, you know, probation officer, I mean, just all the normal things. And if I did that, they made it go away.

Eric Zimmer 00:56:56  And if I didn’t, then I would be facing a very stiff sentence. But I got that opportunity, thank God, because my life would have been radically altered if I had been toting around eight felonies.

Jordan Harbinger 00:57:08  I don’t mean to get sidetracked here, but there’s a guy who listens to the show who sent me an email. He was a mormon, but he became a drug dealer. That’s of course, we’re going to talk about that at some point. But basically, you mentioned the upper middle class white kid deal. And I think a lot of people bristle when you say things like that. But he he told me that this is very real. He went to court. He had, I don’t even know, pounds of drugs, like a ton of drugs. Right. And the guy before him had a little bit, a couple of bags of drugs. And that guy got like multiple years sentence and he was like, oh my God, I have ten times more than that guy. I’m never getting out of jail.

Jordan Harbinger 00:57:40  And the judge was like, what’s a nice boy like you doing in here? Probation. And he was like, I won the judicial lottery and I can not screw this up. And that’s one of the how we got out of it. But he was also like, but wait, that other guy. He had way less than me. And he’s in prison now for like five years. What happened there?

Eric Zimmer 00:57:58  Yeah, 100%. I will always take a mormon drug user story if I can get one.

Jordan Harbinger 00:58:03  There you go. Yeah. Mormon drug dealer.

Eric Zimmer 00:58:05  That’s what I meant. That’s even better. Mormon drug users. Kind of boring, but drug dealer, right? That’s interesting. So we play the tape through, and the key is we have to try to make it as real. We have to see it. We have to feel it, you know, really trying to embody the future situation. Because most of us don’t really do that. We may recognize, like, yeah, maybe I should put the phone down and stop scrolling.

Eric Zimmer 00:58:31  But in your case, right, you would have to really imagine put yourself in the morning person’s shoes like, oh God, I’m going to feel like shit again, and I’m going to feel like an idiot because yet again, I scrolled embody those feelings if we can. Because our job is how do we make the future feel more real? Because the present is always very real to us. And as humans were not good at this, there’s a reason we all struggle with it, right? It’s not easy to do.

Jordan Harbinger 00:58:59  The way you put it is perfect. The present is always is more urgent, right? This is what’s happening now. So I do have a lot of sympathy for people who say, like, I want to build a business, but I also have bills and I have the stability of this career. And it’s like, yeah, you could step into the wild unknown and take a ton of risk. Or you could stay at your job and there’s all these influencers that are like, burn the ships.

Jordan Harbinger 00:59:23  And I’m like, easy for you to say, pal. You’re a multi-millionaire. What are you doing telling this teacher who’s a single parent to burn the ships like you have no place? You have no right to do that at all. It doesn’t make any sense.

Eric Zimmer 00:59:35  No. This podcast, you know, I knew I wanted to do this show, but I had a job in the software business. There was no way I had two kids in high school. I had a mortgage. I had all that stuff. I kind of picked the middle route for me, which was like, I was like, all right, I’m gonna I’m going to do the job, and I’m going to kind of noodle away at this thing over here. And and I was lucky enough that the podcast went well enough that eventually and I did that for five and a half years before I was able to do it full time. But yeah, I agree 100%. Telling people to burn the ships is advice that most often comes from the people who already are set.

Jordan Harbinger 01:00:12  Yes, exactly. I know it sort of reminds me of Scott Galloway, who you probably know says something like the person on the podium telling you to follow your passion made their billions in iron smelting or inherited most of it. And it’s like, yeah, that’s exactly right.

Eric Zimmer 01:00:25  That’s fair. Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger 01:00:26  In the book, you add another layer to the values thing, which is that half the stuff we want or values and desires for that matter, half the stuff we want isn’t even ours, right? We absorb it through social media status, games with other people or whatever. So how do we tell the difference between I want this. And I saw somebody else want this on Instagram, and now I think I want it, but I’m not sure.

Eric Zimmer 01:00:47  The thing for me that I can tell is how much does it change? So I was in LA recently and I got invited to a party up in the Hollywood Hills, and when I was there, what I was thinking of was money. You know, this incredible house.

Eric Zimmer 01:01:04  I’m looking around and the people there, they all have money. And suddenly what I really want is money. And then two nights later, I was at a different event with more of the starving artist type person. And I found myself wanting that.

Jordan Harbinger 01:01:19  You wanted to be broke. I don’t think that sounds right, Toby.

Eric Zimmer 01:01:22  I wanted a bohemian, cool, creative life. Right.

Jordan Harbinger 01:01:26  Okay. No, an Echo Park or whatever.

Eric Zimmer 01:01:28  Yeah, yeah. So if I look back and forth between those two, which of those tends to be more steady in my desires? Right? And for me, it’s almost always been the more authentic life where I’m doing something that I like doing that feels valuable to me. That’s the part that doesn’t change. Now what? I love you to heap a bunch of money on top of that. Sure.

Jordan Harbinger 01:01:51  Yes. The rock star method, where you’re super loaded. But you can pretend that you’re broke and wear ripped clothes.

Eric Zimmer 01:01:56  And I tried that for a number of years and it did not work.

Eric Zimmer 01:01:59  So I’m looking oftentimes trying to discern like what patterns hold over time, because I do tend to want what you put in front of me and make look good. It’s part of the reason I do not like TV commercials. I feel like I’m unusually susceptible, really.

Jordan Harbinger 01:02:14  I never pay attention to those at all.

Eric Zimmer 01:02:16  Yeah, well, no, I mean, like, I when they’re on, I’m looking and I’m suddenly like, yeah, I really do need to be on a beach with a beer. And I need a, I need a woman that hot. And, you know, everything I’m doing up until now has been a waste of my time. Let’s redirect until the commercial is over, and then you’ve got Pampers commercial. And I suddenly think I need two more kids.

Jordan Harbinger 01:02:36  And maybe you are susceptible. None of these things occur to me. I’ve totally tuned these things out. Sheesh.

Eric Zimmer 01:02:43  Yeah, I think we all have different levels of that, but I tend to get influenced by what is around me, so I have to come back to like, what do I consistently want? What do I consistently value? And that tends to work for me because you go on social media and I mean, our whole culture is based on how do I get you to want something you don’t have.

Eric Zimmer 01:03:07  So you will spend money on this thing. That is the engine that drives a lot of it. I’m not saying that’s bad, I’m just saying that’s kind of the reality of it. So I come back to what things do I consistently over a period of time, keep thinking are valuable to me and important.

Jordan Harbinger 01:03:23  On the same token here. Sometimes it seems like my values kind of fight each other. I mean, you mentioned this earlier, money versus, I don’t know, cool bohemian lifestyle. So security versus freedom, family versus ambition is a common one that I see in the inbox. Maybe the original, the OG. Health versus enjoyment, right? I should stop drinking and smoking, but it’s fun. If there’s no clear right answer, how do you decide?

Eric Zimmer 01:03:48  Ideally, you find a way that you do both. I think that’s the ideal world. The ideal world is one in which, yeah, you’re mostly healthy, but you go have a few drinks if you want to have a few drinks once in a while, you go.

Eric Zimmer 01:04:02  You do eat the chocolate ice cream when you’re on vacation. You do those things in the same way that ambition and family don’t get sorted. You don’t just go, well, you know what? It’s going to be ambition and that’s going to be the one. And screw you family. I mean, some people do, right?

Jordan Harbinger 01:04:16  Some people do.

Eric Zimmer 01:04:17  But most of us are not going to make that choice, nor are we going to be like, well, you know what? I’m just going to stay at home with the kids all, all day. And, you know, we’ll live under the bridge. Who cares? For most of us, we’re finding the place in between those two things that is best for us. But I don’t think they resolve. As I said earlier, I think you it’s an ongoing negotiation. It’s an ongoing dance between those two things. Now, sometimes you find yourself, like me, with mind altering substances where the answer is none. But I don’t think that’s ideal.

Eric Zimmer 01:04:49  If I could be in the middle, I would, because having a few drinks is enjoyable. Lots of people love it. I’d do it if I could. My experience just shows that doesn’t work for me, and so you might be that way. There are certain people that are this way that like once they open the the sugar genie up, it just takes over every time. And they’re like, it’s easier to have none. And so there are times that that is the wiser move. Gretchen Rubin came up with an idea that I thought was useful. She was like, are you a moderator or a abstinence person? And I think it’s an interesting question to ask yourself about different things. Would it be easier to just have none of this than trying to do an ongoing negotiation. For me. There is a beautiful clarity to zero when it comes to substances, right? I mean, it’s just it’s zero. There’s no no debate. And I know a lot of people who might do better with that, but they stay in the middle.

Eric Zimmer 01:05:48  But I don’t think there’s a simple answer for how we do it, except we find our place and we continue to negotiate it and think about it is really the key thing, right? To bring some consciousness to it?

Jordan Harbinger 01:06:00  Yeah, this is true. It’s funny. The the moderator idea. I always assumed you had to be abstinent or you were getting it addicted to something. But when I got older and people started putting drugs in front of me, I was like, oh, I can just do this and stop. And other people were like, awake til 7 or 8 in the morning. And I was like, I don’t, why are you doing that? And they’re like, you don’t want more? And I’m like, no, I kind of do. But like, also I want to go to bed, so I’m just gonna go to bed. And as I got older and older and older, I was like, oh, this is not the usual way people’s brains react to white powders, for example.

Eric Zimmer 01:06:31  Yeah. Although strangely, even with white powders, The vast majority of people do not slide into what we would call addiction.

Jordan Harbinger 01:06:38  Yeah. Otherwise, everybody in my law firm and.

Eric Zimmer 01:06:40  All of LA would be in a treatment center.

Jordan Harbinger 01:06:42  Yeah, there’s some additional points that I’d love to highlight here. Values don’t matter unless they show up in behavior. So you kind of have to ask yourself, you know, what does this look like on a random Tuesday night? Not the final product, not the way that I want this to look or how pretty I want to make this. But, like, what does this look like at 8 a.m. tomorrow when you don’t want to work out again, for example? Do you think people lie to themselves about their values? Because it sort of looks to the casual observer that this happens constantly.

Eric Zimmer 01:07:08  This is an interesting one, because there is a certain school of thought that says if you look at what somebody does, you’ll know what they value, and there’s a certain logic to that.

Eric Zimmer 01:07:19  But I also think it’s reductive because even though, yes, on one hand I did value drugs over everything else in my actions, that’s not what I truly valued. I didn’t have the skills to do anything different. I didn’t have the ability to do anything different. I do think we can lie to ourselves about our values. I think it’s really important to do our best to get to like, honestly, like, what do I really value? Like adventure. Adventure is not anything that would have made it on my values list earlier in my life, because I would have thought that’s not a good value. Like who cares? I need freedom and justice and compassion. But as I looked at who I was, I was like, no, I do value that. I do want that. That feels important to me. So I think being clear about what we really do value is important. It’s hard to do values. Work is challenging. I have a bunch of different exercises in the book because I think it reveals itself to people differently with different exercises.

Eric Zimmer 01:08:27  The least useful is usually to be given a list of 100 values, and circle the ten that you like most because you agree with everything that’s on the page. And we used to say in project management, if everything’s a priority, nothing’s a priority. And so we have to make some choices about those things. So I don’t think that our behavior is always a reflection of our values, but it is a reflection on some hand of our ability to live into our values, for sure.

Jordan Harbinger 01:08:56  I wanted to mention, I know we’re out of time. There are a ton of drills and practicals in the book, and if you buy the audiobook, there’s like a PDF that it comes with, so you’re not going to miss that stuff. But a lot of stuff about habit change, willpower, setting up your environment for success. Because we didn’t even get kind of just don’t have time to get into all that stuff. If people liked Atomic Habits or B.J. Fogg, who is on the show, they’re going to like that stuff as well, because that stuff is also important.

Jordan Harbinger 01:09:20  You don’t have to rely on willpower to make change, and you’ve got your little system there for that as well. Thank you so much, man. I know we sort of blew past this scheduled time, but that’s usually a good sign. And yeah, thank you very much for coming on, man. I’m glad you’re not a heroin addict and that you’re a successful human being.

Eric Zimmer 01:09:35  Congratulations me to the fact that you mentioned James. Claire. I’ll just say my publisher pitched the book as Atomic Habits meets Think Like a monk. Right. So it’s got that whole practical side of habit and behavior and a deeper side to it also. And yes, thank you very much for having me on, Jordan. I’m really appreciative of it. Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity, but we have something even better.

Eric Zimmer 01:10:13  And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the one You Feed community.

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