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Wise Habits Reminders

Podcast Episode

The Three Levers of Change: How to Shift Your Mindset, Motivation, and Methods for Success with Jim Kwik

November 21, 2025 Leave a Comment

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In this episode, Jim Kwik explores the three levers of change and how to shift your mindset, motivation, and methods for success. Jim shares his journey overcoming a childhood brain injury and how he discovered practical methods to drive change. He also introduces his “brain animal” framework for understanding how we learn and discusses the importance of self-awareness, living by core values, and making intentional choices. Listeners are encouraged to reflect on their own growth, embrace self-compassion, and take practical steps toward a more limitless life.

Exciting News!!! Coming in March, 2026, my new book, How a Little Becomes a Lot: The Art of Small Changes for a More Meaningful Life is now available for pre-orders!


Key Takeaways:

  • Personal growth and self-improvement
  • Overcoming adversity and challenges
  • The importance of mindset and motivation
  • The concept of “feeding the good wolf” within oneself
  • The role of choices in shaping one’s life and identity
  • Strategies for navigating grief and personal loss
  • The significance of core values in decision-making and behavior
  • Understanding different cognitive brain types and their impact on learning and communication
  • The power of self-awareness and introspection
  • Practical methods for enhancing brain function and overall well-being

Jim Kwik is an internationally acclaimed authority in the realm of brain optimization, memory improvement and accelerated learning. With over 30 years of experience, Jim has dedicated his life to helping people tap into their brain’s full potential. From overcoming learning challenges after a childhood brain injury, Jim embarked on a journey with the mission to leave no brain behind. Through his teachings, Jim inspires others to unlock their inner genius, empowering them to live a life of greater power, productivity, and purpose. Jim’s newest book is an expanded edition of his New York Times and #1 Wall Street Journal bestseller, “Limitless Expanded Edition: Upgrade Your Brain, Learn Anything Faster, and Unlock Your Exceptional Life“

Connect with Jim Kwik: Website | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter

If you enjoyed this conversation with Jim Kwik, check out these other episodes:

How to Harness Brain Energy for Mental Health with Dr. Chris Palmer

How to Eat for Better Mental Health with Dr. Drew Ramsey

Eating for Brain Health Dr. Lisa Mosconi

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Episode Transcript:

Eric Zimmer 00:01:04  You know that moment when we swear everything will change and then nothing does? I sure do. Jim Kwik, who’s a brain coach, learning expert and author of limitless, has spent his life studying why that happens. We talk about why insight means nothing until it finds its way into behavior, and he breaks it down into three levers. We can all work with what we think, what we feel, and what we do, or the head, the heart and the hands. And I love that. Because change isn’t a lightning strike. It’s a practice. A thousand small choices that introduce us day by day to who we’re becoming. I’m Eric Zimmer and this is the one you feed. Hi, Jim. Welcome to the show.

Jim Kwik 00:01:49  It’s good to be here, Eric. Thanks for having me.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:50  I’m excited to have you on. We’re going to be discussing your book, limitless. Upgrade your brain, learn anything faster, and unlock your exceptional life. And it will actually be the expanded edition because you’ve added to it recently, and we’ll be talking about that. But before we do, let’s start like we always do with the parable.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:07  In the parable, there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops and they think about it for a second. They look up at their grandparent and they say, well, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

Jim Kwik 00:02:41  I like that a lot. I just got goosebumps. I haven’t heard the parable for a little while, but the way you expressed it, I call them truth bumps. So thank you. Thank you for that.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:49  Yeah, yeah, that’s a great phrase.

Jim Kwik 00:02:50  I like the one you feed because I’m a brain guy helping people improve their brain.

Jim Kwik 00:02:55  And I believe what you nourish. Flourishes. And we always have a choice. There’s a quote in my book, limitless, expanded from a French philosopher that would be relevant to this. He says life is a letter C between the letters B and D, where B stands for birth, D stands for death life, C choice. Now we always have a choice, including what we’re going to do, who we can spend time with, where our focus is, what things mean. And we always have a choice of which one we’re going to feed. And yeah, whatever you nourish is going to flourish for sure, including especially now, because I believe if you perceive these as difficult times and certainly history has had that difficult times, but without even comparison, these difficult times, they could diminish you. These difficult times can distract you or these difficult times they could develop you. And we decide, and we always have agency because we always have a choice. Yeah, I love that parable.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:51  So interestingly, what you just said there was where I was going to start the interview.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:55  It was a recent quote that you posted on Twitter. Difficult times can define you, diminish you, or develop you. I love that idea. Talk to me a little bit about how to use difficult times for our growth. So let’s just pick a difficult time. I mean, the world is challenging. I tend to agree with you. I think the world has always been challenging. I mean, the history is brutal, but let’s look more internally. Let’s talk about somebody who has, let’s say, lost someone really precious to them. You know, maybe someone died or a breakup happened or any sort of great loss in which there is real grief and sadness, and there’s also a recognition in it that there’s a way to grow from it. Talk to me about what’s the right way to orient towards that in a way that’s human right. That doesn’t deny the feelings and things that are happening, but also doesn’t allow us to get stuck in them and allows us to use that energy for positive growth.

Jim Kwik 00:04:53  Sure, I will offer just one perspective.

Jim Kwik 00:04:57  And so I think everybody’s a little bit different. Everyone’s been through. Let’s say the content is different of our past and script and stories. The three areas that I focus on for change, which I assume somebody is looking for some kind of change in terms of a result or how they feel or a behavior. We control what we can control. And I’m not an expert on grief. Yeah. Obviously, obviously everyone has experienced their own share of it, you know, in in different forms. So does maybe some context for listeners who aren’t familiar with my work.

Eric Zimmer 00:05:30  Yeah, please.

Jim Kwik 00:05:31  As a brain coach, I never knew what a brain coach was growing up as a kid. Right. I wanted to be like Batman or Spider-Man. I grew up with learning difficulties. I had a pretty traumatic brain injury when I was five, and we hear a lot about post-traumatic stress. We don’t hear a lot about post-traumatic growth. People who come through difficult times, times that you wouldn’t wish upon anybody. And some people come out of it feeling that they wouldn’t change what they went through.

Jim Kwik 00:06:01  Even though it was the hardest time, was most difficult in their darkest time in their life. And again who am I to say like everybody has their own path and I feel like sometimes some things we can only learn in a storm or in a difficult situation. So because of my accident, I had learning difficulties severe, I couldn’t focus. Remember I had processing issues. Teachers would repeat themselves five, six, ten times and I would pretend to understand, but I understand anything. It took me years and longer to learn how to read than the other kids. When I was nine, I was slowing down a class. I was being teased pretty harshly that day because I was bullied all the time. But that day, the teacher came to my defense and pointed to me and said, leave that kid alone. That’s the boy with the broken brain. that label. Then all the kids started playing broken, right? That was kind of like the thing. So I struggled all through school. Elementary school, middle school, junior high, high school.

Jim Kwik 00:06:58  You know, just it was unfair because I felt like I worked three times harder. My my parents had immigrated to the United States. My dad was 13. He had lost both his parents. And I don’t want to say a sob story, cause everybody has their story, right? They couldn’t afford to feed him. So he came here to live with his aunts, and we live in the back of a laundromat that my mom worked at, and everybody has their own thing. And I realized that, you know, growing up, we didn’t have a lot of resources as people would define them. We had no money, no education, no contacts or whatever. But, you know, I realized coaching the people, I’ve had the honor to be able to work with, that. It’s not just about resources, it’s about our internal resourcefulness. And that three things we could always control as you control what you can control, who you control the controllable. If people feel like that, they’re in a box.

Jim Kwik 00:07:49  Because limitless is not about being perfect. Limitless is about progressing like we want to mature, and we want to progress and get wisdom and feel good. And, you know, be, do, have, share, whatever. But if you feel like you’re not progressing, you feel like you’re in a box emotionally, like you feel stuck or financially or happiness or learning whatever. You’re not making progress, right? So that box is defined by the three dimensions that contain it, right? It’s three dimensional. And these are the three same three forces that will liberate you out of those states or those situations, the feelings that you’re feeling. And the three things I feel like are the big levers for people. That’s practical is our mindset, our motivation and the methods. It’s our head, our heart and our hands, right? It’s what we think, what we feel and what we do. And those are the three things we could always control. And so we can’t control our past, right? And it’s interesting because my two biggest challenges growing up were learning because I was the worst in school.

Jim Kwik 00:08:52  And second was public speaking because my superpower and I talk about superpowers because I eventually taught myself how to read by reading comic books. And those stories really kind of brought it to life. The words I was learning in public speaking because I never knew the answer. And so my superpower was like shrinking. I mean, I’m as really good as a kid, taking up a little space, like even my physiology. I was just like, always, like slouching and didn’t want to be seen sitting behind the tall kid in class was being invisible. Right. And life has a sense of humor. Because what do I do for a living? I public speak on this thing called learning every single day for 30 years, but this is just an example of how a challenge led to change. A struggle became a strength, right? And I really do believe post-traumatic growth talks about they wouldn’t wish it upon anyone and yet they wouldn’t. Maybe even change it for themselves, because going through it, they found and discovered something.

Jim Kwik 00:09:49  Some people would call it a gift. Some people would say, I found a strength. I found a trait. I found a mission. I got clarity on a purpose. I found out more about who I am or whatever that is. And so I just feel like adversity in some cases, not all cases, but it’s really what we choose to believe is our truth. Adversity can be an advantage if we’re going to really roar. I don’t know one strong person, Eric, that had an easy life. Yeah, I just I just don’t. Yeah, because it requires muscles and it requires effort. And I don’t know anyone who has given everything that I really find that interesting I want to spend time with. Yeah. Because they never had to go through the things.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:28  That’s a great answer to kind of get into those three areas. And I want to go into those three areas in a second. But what do you feel as you look back? Were there any sort of pivotal moments that launched you in a different direction.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:42  Now, I’m not a believer that like a single moment changes our life, because if it’s not followed by a whole lot of continued behaviors, it doesn’t really mean anything. And epiphany is no good if it doesn’t lead to action. But I’m curious, how did things start to change for you? When did you start to say, oh, wait a minute, I’m not a broken brain person. I can learn, I can, you know, tell me a little bit about some of those experiences.

Jim Kwik 00:11:06  Probably the one that had the most impact on me and really created an inflection in terms of why I’m doing this now. When I was 18, I was lucky enough to get into a local state college. I purposely picked a place that I didn’t know anyone was going there, because I knew that I was affected by how people saw me. And it’s really hard to change when people see you a certain way, if that makes sense. You know they’re used to you and they reinforce that identity. I was perceived as not so smart and broken, and I want to get away from people who thought I was like that so I could try to recreate myself.

Jim Kwik 00:11:42  And I thought freshman meant I could make a fresh start. So I took all these classes and I was like, okay, I’m gonna finally do this, and I want to make my parents proud. I want to show the world, show myself that I could be successful, be smart, you name it, right? Be better. And I took all these classes and I did worse because, you know, it’s just so much more difficult. And I was ready to quit because I didn’t have the money even to go to college. And I have a younger brother. Younger sister, I’d rather have them have the money. And yet I’m also torn because I want to be in a good example and my parents work really hard. Many jobs and I just want to make their sacrifice just mean something. So I had all that angst, right? And I layer that over, like my belief about myself and how I think I’m broken. And I really wasn’t doing very well at all, even though I was working three times harder and putting in the effort and the discipline, it was not because I was lazy, but I just didn’t sell into as well as people that worked a fraction of the effort.

Jim Kwik 00:12:42  So anyway, a friend says, hey, before you quit school, that’s a big deal. And you tell your parents, why don’t you come home with me this weekend? I’m going to see my family, get some perspective. So I think one of the things that helped me was, when you change the place you’re in or the people you’re with, it gives you another point of view. Right? And so I agreed to do that. And the family is pretty well off. I have a nice home on the water and different than I grew up. But the father’s walking me around his property before dinner and he asked me a very simple question, but innocent question. But the worst question you could ask me at the time, he says, Jim, so how’s school? And I am again introverted, very shy, insecure. And I have all this pressure and I start bawling in front of a complete stranger, like crying because I can’t even contain it. Like, this is the first person I just feel like I had so much angst and I just tell my whole story about my traumatic brain injury, and school is not for me.

Jim Kwik 00:13:42  I’m not smart. I don’t know how to tell my parents I’m going to quit school, and I have all this pressure. And he’s like, Jim, well, he asked me a question. He’s like, well, why are you in school? And honestly, I didn’t have an answer, Eric, because nobody’s ever asked me that question before. Like, I just, you know, you go to school, that’s what you’re supposed to do, right? You could go to school, get a job, whatever. Right? And I was like, I don’t know. And, well, he’s like, well, Jim, what do you want to be? What do you want to do? What do you want to have? What do you want to contribute to the world? And I didn’t have answers for any of that either, because no one has ever asked me those questions. And I realized, besides perspective, going to a new place, people that asking a new question will give you a new answer in life, a new focus or a focal point.

Jim Kwik 00:14:18  And it’ll draw your spotlight of attention somewhere that maybe wasn’t at before. And I was like, I don’t know what I want to be and do have. He makes me write down a list, like a dream list or a bucket list. Things I wanted to accomplish before I kicked the bucket. Right. And when I’m done with this exercise, a few sheets of paper. I start folding it to put it in my pocket, and he rips it out of my hands and he starts to read my dream list. Right. And again, I’m very insecure, kid. And there’s this person who’s obviously pretty successful. And of course, I have the normal reactions, like, I don’t want to be judged and what is he thinking? And all that stuff. And he looks up and he says, Jim, you are this close to everything on this list. And if you’re not watching this on video, I’m just burning my index fingers like a foot apart. I’m like, are you insane? Give me ten lifetimes.

Jim Kwik 00:15:03  I’m not going to crack that list. And he takes his fingers and he puts them to the side of my head. Meaning what’s in between is the key. And he takes me into his room of his home I’ve never seen before. It is wall to wall ceiling, the floor covered in books like it’s a library in somebody’s house. And remember, I’ve never read a book, right? And so now it’s like being in a room full of snakes. So I have a lot of anxiety. I’m very intimidated. But what makes it worse is he starts going to shelves and grabbing snakes and handing them to me. And I look at these books and there are these biographies of some incredible men and women in history, some very early personal growth mind books like Norman Vincent Peale The Power of Positive Thinking, Thinking Grow Rich and Dale Carnegie, Napoleon Hill, all these books. Right? And he’s like, Jim, he’s like, you have to read to succeed. And I want you to read one book a week, and I can’t commit because that’s my word.

Jim Kwik 00:15:55  You know, my parents raised me a certain way. I’m like, I can’t do that. I’m all his schoolwork. And when I said schoolwork, I was because I was like, haven’t you heard anything I’m saying? Like, I have a broken brain. I’m a very slow reader, I said, schoolwork. He pulled out this Mark Twain quote, and he said something like, don’t let school get in the way of your education, right? I was like, that’s very insightful, and I’m still not going to read all these books. And then, very smart man, he pulls out my dream list, my bucket list that he still has, and he starts reading every single one of my dreams out loud. And I don’t know, Eric. It’s just hearing your dreams in another man’s voice out in the ether. You know? Just mess with my mind and my spirit something fierce. And honestly, a lot of things on that list were things I wanted to do for my family. Things they can never afford.

Jim Kwik 00:16:39  Or even if they had money, they wouldn’t do it for themselves. And so with that leverage and that’s another key. So you have perspective, you have different questions. And also what drives you. Like these are things that gave me purpose. So I agree to read one book a week right. I tell people if you don’t have any reasons, you won’t get results, right. That pretty much sums up motivation. If you don’t have a reason, room or someone’s name, you’re not going to remember that person’s name if you don’t have a reason, a real reason that you’re feeling that you remember what you read, you’re not going to remember it, right. And so with those reasons, I go back to school and I’m sitting at my desk and I have a pile of books I have to read for midterms or whatever, and a pile of books I promise to read. And I already couldn’t get through pile. So what do I do? I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I don’t work out, I don’t socialize, I just live in the library for weeks and weeks and weeks.

Jim Kwik 00:17:24  And one night in the library I pass out at 2 a.m., fell down a flight of stairs. I hit my head again and I woke up in the hospital. Like two days later. And at this point I’m down to £117. I mean, like, I lost like 40 whatever pounds, malnourished, hooked up to all these IVs, and it was the darkest time in my life. I thought I died and part of me maybe wished I did because I just felt like I was nothing. And you know, I couldn’t do anything. It was just a waste. And when I was having those thoughts, a nurse came in and kind of interrupted me with a mug, and I drink tea and had a picture of Albert Einstein was a pretty smart person, and a quote that said the same level of thinking that has created your problem. It won’t solve your problem. And it made me think, you know, a new question. I was like, well, what’s my problem? My problem is I have a broken brain and a very slow learner.

Jim Kwik 00:18:20  It takes me eight times longer to learn something than everybody else. Well then, Einstein, how do I think differently about it? Well, maybe I could. I don’t know. Learn to fix my brain. Learn how to learn better. I was like, okay, where do I do that? School. You know, so that’s the only place I know where to learn, right? So I asked for the nurse for the course bulletin for next semester. And I started looking at all these classes, you know, hundreds of classes. Turn the pages and all classes on what to learn math, history, science, Spanish, but zero classes on how to learn those things. And then I got really frustrated and I said, I want to put my studies aside because it’s literally not making any difference in my grades, studying or not. And so I started studying these books, you know, that really tapped into more of what our potential is, right? And then I started getting very curious when I started seeing what the mind could really do.

Jim Kwik 00:19:08  And I started studying like things like speed reading, ancient mnemonics. I wanted to know what cultures do before there were printing presses, how they remember things. Right. And I learned all these techniques, and I was consuming it because I was like, obsessed with it for like two months and a light switch flipped on and I started to really understand things for the first time. And I can’t explain it to somebody. It’s like trying to explain to somebody what a flower smells like that’s never really smelled the flower before or tastes something. That’s it just it was just different. And my grades obviously improved my confidence. My life got better. Now, the reason I’m here today with you in my 50s is because all the suffering I went through, I could detect suffering. It’s hard because all I did as a kid was just watch people, and I would know what it felt like to be bullied or struggled or whatever, and I could see it in other people. And so I wanted to help other people that were having trouble with their learning.

Jim Kwik 00:20:05  And I started to tutor. And one of my very first students, she was a college freshman. She read 30 books in 30 days, and I wanted to find out not how. I taught her how to speed read. I want to find out her purpose, going back to motivation, her reasons. And I found out her mother was dying of terminal cancer. Doctors gave her mom just two months, like 60 days to live. And the books she was reading were books to save her mom’s life. And six months later, I get a call from this young lady and she’s crying profusely. And when she stops, I found out the tears of joy that her mother not only survived, but is getting really better. Doctors know how or why they called it a miracle, but her mother attribute 100% to the great advice she got from her daughter, who learned it from these books. So, long story short, I realized in that moment that if knowledge is power, then learning is our superpower. And it’s a superpower we all have.

Jim Kwik 00:20:52  It’s just we aren’t taught how to be able to do these things, you know? And so I use this, you know, for our podcast, our books, we have the largest online platform for accelerated learning. And we have students in every country in the world. And we have a lot of data. And I could tell people, regardless of your age, your background, your career or education level, financial situation, gender, history, IQ, everyone could improve that. There’s no such thing as a good or bad brain. There’s a train brain and an untrained brain. And with a little bit of effort, you know, and a little bit of mentoring, Everybody could just have an easier life because there’s enough stress and struggle in the world. And yeah, I just wanted to tell people that we’ve discovered more about the human brain in the past 20 years than the previous 2000 years. And we found as we’re growing under estimator on capabilities, and all of this is possible.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:04  Hey, friend, before we dive back in, I want you to take a second and think about what you’ve been listening to.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:10  What’s one thing that really landed, and what’s one tiny action you could take today to live it out? Those little moments of reflection. That’s exactly why I started good wolf reminders, short, free text messages that land in your phone once or twice a week. Nearly 5000 people already get them and say the quick bursts of insight help them shift out of autopilot and stay intentional in their lives. If that sounds like your kind of thing, head to one. You feed, SMS and sign up. It’s free. No spam, and easy to opt out of any time. Again, that’s one you feed. Net. Tiny nudges, real change. All right, back to the show. Thank you for sharing all that, especially those difficult moments. And what a gift that man gave you. You know what a gift that man gave you to see you and and take the time and believe in you. Thanks for sharing all that. I want to move to the title of the book for a second. I’m not trying to make an argument here, actually, but when I hear the word limitless, my brain goes, that’s not we’re not limitless.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:18  Like, I can’t play in the NBA. Like that’s not going to happen. So it’s not like I can do anything. And I don’t think that’s what you mean by limitless, right? Tell me a little bit about what you do mean by limitless. To open that up a little bit.

Jim Kwik 00:23:31  So limitless is again, it’s not about being perfect. It’s about advancing and progressing beyond what you are currently demonstrating or maybe even believe is possible. Yeah. And so I believe that we’re all in this path to reveal and realize more of our potential. That’s my personal belief, because if everyone wanted just everything to stay the same. My question would be if we were to fast forward five years and everything in your life was exactly the same, would you be happy? And I think most people would say no, right? So change is inevitable, but growth is not right. And so I would say that limitless is about redrawing the borders and boundaries, the limits of what’s possible for us to be do have feel in our lives.

Jim Kwik 00:24:21  And so I feel like a lot of this lies in the power of our brain. I’m always wearing a brain on my shirt or pointing to my brain and pictures because I feel like what you see we take care of. You may see your hair, your skin, your car, your clothes. It’s in our constant awareness. So of course we’re more likely to take better care of it as opposed to our brain, which we never see. We never see a thing that takes care of us. And so I always just kind of put it on my clothes or wear on my sleeves point to it, because that’s when to remind people. It’s an incredible gift that we have that we’re born with right between our ears, this £3 matter and every creature in nature, even if you model nature, has some kind of superpower. Some could breathe underwater, some are super fast or super strong or and we’re not any of those things. But because of the power of our mind, we can fly. Because of our power of mind, we can go underwater, right? Or we can be super fast.

Jim Kwik 00:25:15  It’s it’s a form of technology. A lot of people went out to buy the new iPhone this year. They went out and they upgrade their apps or their whatever, their other technologies. But when’s the last time we took time to upgrade the technology that has created all other technology? And so I’m a big advocate for greater mental health. A big part of that is greater brain health. And when you have less stress and you’re sleeping better and you’re eating foods that don’t make you more anxious and stressed and could actually be protective to your brain. And when you’re moving, you just feel better. There’s all all these things that are common sense but not common practice. I feel like, again, going back to the choices that life is to see between B and D and choice is how important it is. You know the choices we make every single day. You know, what are we going to start believing? What are we going to think that day? What are we going to feed our minds? Feed our bodies? Who are we going to spend time with? All of this makes a difference.

Jim Kwik 00:26:08  Everyone wants to know, like, what’s the magic pill? I haven’t found that. I don’t think there’s a magic pill, but I think there’s a process that we all have to go through.

Eric Zimmer 00:26:15  Yeah, I like that. And, you know, to sort of reframe limitless for me in a way that was helpful instead of pulling out scenarios that are unlikely to happen in my case. Right. Like playing in the NBA, what I can totally get on board with, and I would say underlies a lot of my overall life philosophy is that there’s always a positive step, a positive direction. We’re never done. You know, so we may not know our limits. Right? But when we set them obviously incorrectly, they do become our limits. And there’s always a way in which we are able to keep moving, keep growing. And in that way we are limitless, right? Like if we don’t apply it to outside standards. Right? If we’re not applying, am I able to do x, Y, or z? But am I able to, according to my own potential, keep moving forward in a positive direction that is being limitless, right?

Jim Kwik 00:27:09  And you mention and not comparing yourself to external things in your environment or people, or what you see on social media, because there’s a form of digital depression that comes from just seeing the highlight reel of everybody else, you know, as opposed to and comparing, you know, our chapter three against somebody, chapter 20, in terms of some area of development.

Jim Kwik 00:27:30  And I just feel like if we make a comparison, maybe we compare ourselves to who we were yesterday. I mean, if we’re if you’re going to make any kind of comparison rather than to another person, the truth is the grass is greener where we water it, and online it’s greener because there’s a lot of filters people are using or artificial turfs, you know, that they have. Yeah, I think kindness is important because we never know the battles that other people are having, because we only get to see a lot of the kind of the highlights and the good stuff. So, you know, I appreciate the real and the raw conversations that you have in your show, because I feel like people don’t feel like they’re alone, you know?

Eric Zimmer 00:28:07  Yeah. And that kindness obviously needs directed back to ourselves because we know our own battles, but we often don’t really give ourselves credit for how difficult they might be. I guess would be the way to say it, you know?

Jim Kwik 00:28:20  Yeah, I think part of self-care, you know, besides everything we put in the book, we talk about the best brain foods, how to have a better night’s sleep, how to be able to learn fast, all this stuff.

Jim Kwik 00:28:30  So we know self-care is not selfish, right? And part of self-care is looking in the mirror and just just like loving the person that’s looking back at you who’s been through so much but is still standing. Right. Like if you’re watching and listening to this right now, like if I was asked everyone, do you remember that time where you couldn’t survive? You know, I think maybe some of your, your community could relate to that. A time when they didn’t think they could survive. Well, if they’re listening to this and they certainly did, you know. And my perspective is they will again. Right. But self-love is so important, you know, in this process. You know, I think sometimes we have to kind of love ourselves, like we would love somebody else by giving them attention and being kind to them. You know, sometimes we feel like we beat ourselves up because at some secondary level we’re going to fall more likely, like follow through the next day. But studies on compassion, self-compassion show that when we’re kind to ourself, we’re more likely to follow through, you know, on the things that are important to us.

Jim Kwik 00:29:34  Yeah. So, I mean, life is messy. So let’s just get that clear, right? It’s not it isn’t success. Happiness is probably not a straight line. I don’t know. Many people have had that that kind of experience, certainly I didn’t. There are a lot of hills and peaks and valleys, with or without a doubt, and we do the best we can with what we can. And I think the most important thing is to keep the most important thing. The most important thing. Yeah. Meaning that it’s not so much about time management as it is mine management. And for me the most important thing is, like you, everyone has a to do list, right? To get through the day. A lot of people do. But I think it’s important to have things like to feel list like when you’re facing a difficulty or demand, or maybe you’re having a spirited debate with a family member. You don’t ask yourself, what do I need to do? Most people ask what people do, but maybe we say, like, who do I need to be at this moment?

Eric Zimmer 00:30:27  My favorite question?

Jim Kwik 00:30:28  Yeah.

Jim Kwik 00:30:28  New question. You get a new answer and if you choose like, hey, I want to be compassionate, then the doing takes care of itself, right? Yeah, it’s it’s organic. It’s very natural. But having a to be list I think it’s important. And it sounds like kind of like maybe hokey for some people, but they say the two most powerful words in the English language are the smallest. I am, because whatever you put after that is, you know, determines your identity and your life direction. So I feel like I thought my aim was I am broken. And over time I started changing those questions where I was like, okay. It was like, I’m unbroken. So how do I not be seen? There’s this Japanese art form called kintsugi, where an emperor in Japan had this treasure like teapot and one day broke it and sent it back to China to have it fixed. And when it came back, it was just all they did was like, put these, these staples to hold the pieces back together.

Jim Kwik 00:31:29  And it was very unsightly. So he goes to his craftsman locally and says, you got to fix this. And when craftsman really does something different, takes out the staples and actually uses this like gold, kind of a embalming kind of fluid. So like really highlighted those places where it was broken and made it beautiful. And the idea behind this philosophy is in life, sometimes we feel like we want to hide and we have shame around the things where we have wounds or cuts or we were suffocated. And it really depends on the meaning we put to it, right? Some people look at it like, I have this and I’m have some kind of shame or deformity around this, and I’m talking about like a metaphor. Like can be emotional. It could be whatever they went through. And other people say like, hey, that this is, you know, my scars I wear proud because I was stronger than what I was facing, you know, and I survived. And I think whoever’s going through difficult times right now, I feel like that we inspire people with our grit and our grace that even if they won’t acknowledge it, that people see that, you know.

Jim Kwik 00:32:36  So I definitely wish people the best on that path. And I think that the goal here is we show up, that there’s a version of ourselves that I feel like deep down we know is patiently waiting. And the goal is we show up for ourselves every single day until we’re introduced. And part of that showing up for ourselves is just realizing that we’re human, that we make mistakes. You know, I think self-love and self-care is not selfish, But, you know, part of self-care is forgiving ourselves, you know, for things that we did the best we could at that moment of time. And we can’t change the past. We can make a mistake. And we we all make mistakes, right? But mistakes don’t have to make us right. I feel like if we learn from it, that we could grow from these things, that they become stepping stones to the person that we know we are.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:53  You introduced one of my all time favorite questions, which is essentially, who do I want to be in this A situation.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:00  You know, whatever situation I find myself in. Who do I want to be? A long time ago. My son’s 25 now. He was two and a half. Three at the time. His mom left me for another man very suddenly. And I was really hurt and angry. And, you know, it was a very difficult time. But that question who do I want to be through? This was really a beacon to me of here’s who I want to be. I want to be someone who isn’t bitter, who isn’t hateful, who is forgiving. And I’m not saying I did all that perfectly. I didn’t, of course, but it gave me a direction. And I can look back on that time now, and I can look back on that time with my ex. And we would both say, yeah, Bravo. Right. Like, you really handled that in a way that I can feel very proud of all these years later. And so I just think that question, who do I want to be can be used on really big situations.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:58  It can be used on who we are as a person, but it can be used on really little situations like you talked about too. It’s a discussion with a family member. Who do I want to be? I’m sitting down to dinner with my family. Who’s the person I want to be? Do I want to be connected and paying attention, or do I want to be distracted by work? Yeah. So I love that. I’d like to pivot to something you said, which is I am. And then whatever you put after that is really important. And we’ve talked about limiting beliefs a very little bit here. We talked about if I put after I am broken, then I’m going to be consider myself broken. And you also talk about identity, right. Our identity is very important in our ability to change who we are. Right. I think probably James Clear put it in his book. Maybe. I don’t remember the first time I heard it, but it was the idea of it’s very different to say if you’re trying to quit smoking and somebody offers you a cigarette to say, I’m not a smoker versus I’m trying not to smoke right now.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:55  Right. There’s an identity change there. But the thing that I always find really tricky about this is that we don’t tend to be able to lie to ourselves. So, for example, if I want to be a physically fit person, someone who takes very good care of myself, right, I could say I am physically fit. I am whatever word you want to use there. But if my behaviors aren’t there, how do I hold that identity enough that my behaviors will eventually catch up and be able to use that identity? Because identity, I think, can be used in in negative and positive ways, but I’m often not sure how to handle the gap between the identity I want to have and the actual behaviors that are happening.

Jim Kwik 00:36:40  All right. So let’s unpack that. So if people want to change, imagine a building that’s made up of different floors. So most people let’s go to the second floor one. It creates some kind of behavioral change. They want to stop smoking. They want to start eating these brain foods.

Jim Kwik 00:36:58  They want to read every day or they want to meditate, whatever the behavior is, right? They want to change that, and they try to put energy and effort towards that behavioral change and not usually that successful, right. And if it doesn’t stick, there’s their reasons because there are other flaws in that building. If you go one floor up on the third floor, I want you to imagine that if the second floor is behavior, the third floor is capability. So let’s say somebody wants to read more. Right. I always talk about leaders or readers because of my mentor. People have seen photos with me, with Ellen or Oprah, whoever they people ask how we bonded. We bonded over books, right? Because they read to succeed. And here’s the thing. If you’re not reading the behavior like 30 minutes a day for because reading is to your mind what exercise is to your body, maybe you don’t have the capability. The third floor capability is how you read write. And so maybe you’re reading like you were last taught, which for most of us was when we were six years old.

Jim Kwik 00:37:58  And that’s the last time we took a class called reading. And the difficulty in demand has increased. Aleppo, how we read it is the same. So we have a lot of stress around that, right? So maybe we have to address the capability or somebody wants to play a musical instrument, but learning how to play the musical instrument right above capability, though, is another flaw, which people can imagine is the fourth floor. And that would be the beliefs and the values. Right? So somebody could want a behavior of remembering names, right? What we teach, they can even learn how because they went through one of our programs or read the book, but maybe they don’t value remembering people’s names. And that’s going to affect the change, right? Or lack thereof, because they don’t value it beliefs and values, or they don’t believe it’s even possible for them to remember names because it’s a belief issue. So belief in values in the fourth floor and on the fifth floor Law, you have identity because the identity again is your IAM because somebody.

Jim Kwik 00:38:57  You’re right, that behavior won’t shift. Let’s say they want to do this, you know, make ten sales calls a day. That’s the behavior right. And their identity is I am a procrastinator. And so that’s me really hard to maintain that change. Just like if somebody is smoking the example you use, that’s a behavior on the second floor. But their identity on the top floor is I am a smoker. That’s not going to change. Right. And then the first floor is also important because that’s your environment. And the environment plays a big role in our habits and who we are. Right. And so like maybe somebody wants to change the behavior of whatever eating night at the nighttime, but their environment is they have a lot of snacks by their bedside. Right. That’s going to be really hard to reconcile. So I just want to show people that there are very logical levels that we need to be able to address to be able to affect change. And notice, like we talked about the power of questions in this conversation, that questions are the answer, that if you ask a new question, you’re going to automatically get a new answer.

Jim Kwik 00:40:03  And there’s six questions that were taught in school, right? Five W’s and an H. So six questions. So the identity is answering the question of who the top level right when you go down one level. Beliefs and values are your why. It’s answering the question of why you go down a level, the capabilities. That’s the how you go down to the level of the second floor behavior. And that’s the what. And then if you go to the environment, the environment is the when and the where. So it’s just in order to create consistent change or let’s say let’s call it a transformation, we have to address all those different floors flaws because then you’re in integrity, right? You’re in some kind of alignment. Everything is integrated and you’re not battling floor to floor. Yeah, because you’re out of alignment, if that makes sense.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:59  Yeah, that is a stunningly good analogy. Actually, I’ve done a lot of studies of behavior change and I know all these different pieces, but putting it in the analogy of a building is really, really helpful.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:11  That’s bravo. I mean, that’s really good. That’s really good. Every once in a while you see a model and you’re like, that really makes a lot of sense. And this one makes a lot of sense. It reminds me a little, and I know you are familiar with this. We’ve had them on a couple times BJ Fogg. The Fogg behavioral model is really helpful, but this is right up there. Nice work. So we don’t have a ton of time. And there’s a bunch of things I would love to get to. But what I’d like to talk about right now is the fourth floor values. Right? Because we often have a lot of values or a lot of things we’re trying to value. So let’s just take your example of learning people’s names. I may value it, but I may not value it as much as I don’t know. My point is we have competing values often, right? We have competing values. I want to meditate in the morning, but I also want to work out in the morning.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:05  And I also want to do x, Y, and Z in the morning. And there’s only so much time in my morning, right? If I’ve got kids and I’ve got to get to work. So we’ve got these competing values, which in my experience it’s very problematic. It causes us to jump around a lot. It causes us to do this. And then a couple days later we’re like, wait, I’m going to value that. And that doesn’t seem to be doing what I want three days later. So I’m going to value this. Talk to me about sorting all that out. Or or a psychologist would call it these competing commitments is another word for it.

Jim Kwik 00:42:36  So a value for me is something that you treasure, right? Yeah. One of the things you could do is first you need to know what you value, and probably a tool you could use to be able to decide on your values or uncover those values, is asking the question and not not necessarily what do I value? But maybe putting it in a different way, like what’s most important to me in whatever context, what’s most important to me in a career? What’s most important to me with family? What’s most important to me in a relationship? Because what’s most important to you in a relationship might be different than what’s most important to your partners with a value in a relationship.

Jim Kwik 00:43:16  Right. And so everyone’s different because we all had different environments, different experiences. And we learn to associate, you know, positive things to different values and more than others. Right. And pain towards other things. And so what I would say is ask yourself this question. And everyone could do this. Now what’s most important to me in life. And you’re going to get a bunch of answers. And when you have those answers, then you put it into some kind of Hierarchy, right? Because you might come up with a lot of answers. So, Eric, what’s most important to you in life? What’s one of the things that you value? What’s most important to you in life?

Eric Zimmer 00:43:52  Being kind.

Jim Kwik 00:43:53  Kindness. Yeah, yeah. What else is really important to you in life besides kindness? Growth, growth. And then maybe one more. What’s one more value you have in terms of what else is besides of kindness and growth? What else is important to you in life?

Eric Zimmer 00:44:11  This is where values always trip me up, because about 15 different things come to mind.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:15  Yeah, right.

Jim Kwik 00:44:16  Pick one. That’s just something of value. I mean, there’s no right or wrong loyalty. Loyalty. And then so if you’re looking at these, then when you’re looking at things like kindness, growth and loyalty, what’s more important in the context of, let’s say, a relationship, kindness or loyalty or growth.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:35  Kindness.

Jim Kwik 00:44:36  Kindness. So people could go through this and have different answers. Yeah. And it gives you an idea. You know, in The Matrix where neo goes to see the Oracle for the first time and like someone saw the matrix that’s in the kitchen, there’s a sign up on top of the kitchen. In the doorway. It says, know thyself. And I think a big part of our happiness or fulfillment is having the curiosity to know ourselves. Right. And then the other part is having the courage to be ourselves, because that’s a different game, right? You get to know yourself because you do assessments, you go to therapy, you journal, you meditate, or you go through.

Jim Kwik 00:45:11  You reflect right introspection. You get to know yourself. And then a different game is being that person having the courage to do that in spite of other people’s opinions and their expectations and everything else. So I think that, like you asked somebody, they could value love, they can buy you freedom, they could love you safety, they could value all these things. And the values are going to determine how they behave in the building. Right. Because if somebody values safety and somebody other people value riveting adventure. They’re going to make very different decisions in their life. They’re going to invest differently. They’re going to travel differently. You know they’re going to spend time with different people. Right. I mean, but then imagine those two people are married. Right. And so you have these value conflicts, and we also have the conflicts within ourselves, certainly. And to our ability to reconcile that. I’m not saying suggesting this is easy, but anything starts with awareness. Yeah. Right. Any kind of change we need to realize, like what the situation is and have some self-awareness to know where we are.

Jim Kwik 00:46:12  Because you need some kind of baseline. Right. You can’t manage something unless you can kind of know what the situation is. For me, I would be thinking about get clear on your values. Like my values are love, growth, contribution, adventure and adventure. Interesting. It’s only something I added the past few years. Me too. Yeah. So I was just like, well, if I’m gonna do this, I want to have fun, too. And so I make my decisions based on family and friends and my relationships based on Will. This helped me to evolve and what do I want to grow? So my third value is to have more to contribute, and I want to have some fun in the process, because having had a couple of near-death experiences, it just makes me think about, you know, the kind of things that would regret and so try to bring more joy to, to what I do, find that joy and look for it, even though it’s hard to find. So I don’t have an easy answer on how you could just be in total integrity all the time.

Jim Kwik 00:47:05  I still know, I wish I maybe you could ask AI how to be able to to be able to do that all the time, but that’s not my superpower. But I do believe that our values shape our behaviors and how it also provides the behaviors, the evidence that we are the person we say we are. And we always have a choice. We can look at the things that we’re doing wrong, and some people are really good at beating themselves up when they don’t follow through or they do a bad behavior they know they shouldn’t do, and then it imposes on their identity, saying, I’m not this person. Or they could also look for evidence and shine a spotlight on the things that they’re doing well, as evidence that they are the person that they want to be. Yep. Right. And a big part of that is asking questions, because primarily, your brain will delete most everything. And the things that it will pay attention to are things that you ask questions about, because then you put a spotlight there.

Jim Kwik 00:47:56  So if your dominant question is, why does this always happen to me? That’s not a very empowering question, because you’re going to come up with answers because you ask them. You’ll receive for all the reasons why this is happening to you, as opposed to saying, where’s the gift in this? What’s the best use of this moment? Who should I decide to be? You know, right? Right now just put a different focus and flair on the things that are already around us. And then our focus becomes our reality, right? And what we are, we focus on. We feel, and however we feel determines what we’re going to think and what we’re going to do, and ultimately the results we’re going to have in our life, or lack thereof.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:32  Yeah. Thank you for that. I recognize I’ve taken you into a whole bunch of questions that aren’t necessarily your brain coaching stuff, right? So I want to put a plug in for, you know, like if you want to learn how to learn and learn how to take care of your brain and all these different things, you’ve got tons of great resources on that.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:49  I’d like to talk about. Though brain type. I think that’s what you call it, right? Yeah. Talk to me about brain type, because you told me before we started. You think this is one of the most important and practical pieces? And I know we don’t have a ton of time, so, yeah.

Jim Kwik 00:49:02  This is very practical and a great way to kind of put an exclamation point on this, on this conversation. And it’s extremely useful. So I help people with their focus, their their memory, their ability to read faster, but also their mindset, all the stuff that we’re talking about, their belief systems, their personal motivation to overcome self-sabotage and procrastination. That’s what I mean. That could keep you limited as opposed to more limitless. I realized, though, that everyone thinks differently and everybody leads differently. They hire differently. They buy differently, they learn differently. So we’ve identified four buckets where our brains got cognitive types. And I’m going to make this really simple. We made an assessment in the book.

Jim Kwik 00:49:43  People could also get it online for free and said my brain animal com my brain animal and we made them fun animals. And it’s kind of like you take a test on this like quiz online. And what Game of Thrones character are you like or something like that. And when you do, you find out how you really learn, lead and live and communicate the best that you do because you understand and you also understand the people around you. So it’s a brain code Cod. It’ll go through really fast. If you’re a C, you’re a cheetah. The cheetah is fast acting. They really implement. Some of you may be cheetahs. You have strong intuition and you apply things and you adapt very quickly in fast paced environments. If you’re an O in the code, you’re an owl and owls love logic. They love data. They love facts and figures and. Interesting. Right? A cheetah and an owl would act differently. They buy differently, right? They communicate differently also. Then they learn differently also.

Jim Kwik 00:50:43  They read differently and remember differently also. The DNA code are your dolphins and your dolphins are your creative visionaries. These are individuals that are creative problem solving pattern recognition. They often get to see a future that other people can’t yet perceive. And finally, the E and code are your elephants, and their defining trait is their empathy. They can feel what other people are feeling because of it. They have strong bonds and they are really good community builders and collaborators also as well. So once you take the quiz at my brain animal comm or the quizzes in the new book, and plus we pull from personality types, left brain, right brain, dominance, learning styles, multiple intelligence. They’re like, we built this. Once you do, you get a report and based on your animal this is how you could perform better. This I could read better. Improve your memory. Remember names. Learn languages. Also communicate better because everybody they communicate different, right? A cheetah is just direct to the point, right? Owls are looking for the facts, right? They ask questions.

Jim Kwik 00:51:45  They do take more time because they do research, right? They’re trying to organize everything. Dolphins, you know, speak in very vivid terms and creative terms because a picture is worth a thousand words. And, you know, obviously elephants have high levels of empathy. So they’re amazing listeners. They’re really good at conflict resolution. That’s an example of how it could play out in communication, but it plays out in hiring, in management and parenting and teaching and so much more. So yeah, people can take the quiz. There’s nothing to buy. It takes about four minutes. And not only you take it, but have your friends and family members take it because it will give them the gift of knowing more of themselves also as well.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:22  Wonderful. Well, Jim, thank you so much for taking the time to come on. I’ve really enjoyed this conversation and we’ll have links in the show notes to my brain, animal com and other things you’ve done.

Jim Kwik 00:52:33  The book is just limitless book. We’re donating all the proceeds to charity, children’s charity and Alzheimer’s research.

Jim Kwik 00:52:39  And if anyone gets any kind of value when you go there, you also get some free brain training on speed reading and memory as my gift to kind of celebrate the launch of the book. But I want to thank you for having me and thank you everyone took the time to listen to this conversation, maybe screenshot it and post it online and share like just kind of one takeaway, maybe of your values, maybe your dominant question or maybe something that you’re going to put into action. Tag us both. So we get to see it. And I’ll actually repost a couple because you’ll tag us. So I get to see it, and then I’ll gift out a couple of copies of the book to your community. It’s just some random people, just as a thank you for having me on your show.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:14  As we wrap up, take one thing from today and ask yourself, how will I practice this before the end of the day? For another gentle nudge, join good Wolf reminders text list. It’s a short message or two each week, packed with guest wisdom and a soft push towards action.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:32  Nearly 5000 listeners are already loving it. Sign up free at once. No noise, no spam. Just steady encouragement to feed your good wolf. Wonderful. Thanks so much, Jim, and I hope our paths cross again soon.

Jim Kwik 00:53:48  Absolutely. Thanks, Eric.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:49  Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity, but we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the one You Feed community.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

How To Let Go of Self-Doubt and Transform Your Life with Elena Brower

November 19, 2025 Leave a Comment

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In this episode, Elena Brower explores how to let go of self-doubt to transform your life. She shares her journey to sobriety, the power of self-compassion, and the importance of apology and inner safety. Elena discusses how Zen practice and guiding principles can foster healing, freedom, and deeper connection to oneself and others, offering listeners practical tools and heartfelt wisdom for personal growth.

Exciting News!!! Coming in March, 2026, my new book, How a Little Becomes a Lot: The Art of Small Changes for a More Meaningful Life is now available for pre-orders!


Have you ever ended the day feeling like your choices didn’t quite match the person you wanted to be? Maybe you slipped into autopilot, or self-doubt made it harder to stick to your goals. That’s exactly why I created The Six Saboteurs of Self-Control—a free guide that helps you recognize the hidden patterns that quietly derail your progress and offers simple, effective strategies to move past them. If you’re ready to take back control and make meaningful, lasting change, download your free copy at oneyoufeed.net/ebook.

Key Takeaways:

  • Exploration of Zen practice and its relevance to modern life
  • Discussion of self-doubt as a mental stall and its impact on action
  • The concept of “no self” and the idea of emptiness in Zen philosophy
  • The importance of releasing attachments to identity and fixed narratives
  • Personal journey of recovery from addiction and its transformative effects
  • The role of self-empathy and the phrase “how human of me” in healing
  • The significance of apologies and their impact on relationships
  • Creating inner safety and the realization that true security comes from within
  • The importance of guiding principles in maintaining integrity and making conscious choices
  • The connection between reducing self-concern and spiritual practice in recovery

​​ELENA BROWER​ is a mother, mentor, artist, teacher, best-selling author and host of the Practice You podcast. She has taught yoga and meditation since 1999. After graduating Cornell University in 1992, she designed textiles and apparel for almost a decade before focusing on yoga, meditation, art and writing. Her first book, Art of Attention, has been translated into seven languages; her second, Practice You, is a bestseller, and is utilized as a teaching tool in a variety of settings. Her latest book is Hold Nothing: An Invitation to Let Go and Come Home to Yourself.

Connect with Elena Brower: Website | Instagram | Facebook | YouTube

If you enjoyed this conversation with Elena Brower, check out these other episodes:

How to Be the Love You Seek with Dr. Nicole LePera

How to Build a Home for Your Soul with Najwa Zebian

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Episode Transcript:

Eric Zimmer 00:01:05  I used to think self-doubt was some kind of humility, proof that I was thoughtful, careful, self-aware. But the truth is, it turns out to be very rarely useful. Doubt doesn’t deepen us. It just keeps us circling the same questions instead of living into an answer. Elena Brower, teacher, poet and author of the new book Hold Nothing An Invitation to Let Go and Come Home to Yourself, reminded me of that. Talking with her felt a little like talking with my twin sister, where both 55 were both long time Zen students and we seem to know half of the same people. She said that self-doubt isn’t even a feeling, though. It’s a stall and she’s right. It’s the mind’s way of pretending to be wise while quietly avoiding action. What helps isn’t more certainty, it’s having more principle, deciding what matters most and moving even when we’re still unsure. Because growth doesn’t come from thinking harder. It comes from acting on what we already know. I’m Eric Zimmer and this is the one you feed. Hi Elena, welcome to the show.

Elena Brower 00:02:11  Thank you so much. Dear Eric.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:14  I’m excited to talk with you about your upcoming book, which is called Hold Nothing An Invitation to Let Go and Come Home to yourself.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:21  And I was just saying to you before we started, it’s a beautiful book in its writing. It’s a beautiful book in its design, the paintings that you’ve done in it. And for me, it just feels like a book of home in many ways, because it’s so rooted in Zen practice, which so much of my adult life has been spent in that sort of circle. So we’ll get to the book in a second, but we’ll start like we always do in this podcast with the parable. And in the parable there is a grandfather who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. There’s a good wolf that represents kindness and bravery and love, and there’s a bad wolf that represents greed, hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops. They think about it for a second. They look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in your work.

Elena Brower 00:03:18  In this moment. The one I’m feeding is the one who is sort of not myself. I’m I’m really trying to focus, take the focus off of my own kind of self concern and onto what’s around me. or acceptance. More care, a little less of the self focus, I guess I would say. And that feels really spacious to me. It feels very freeing at this moment in my life. And I know we just spoke about this before we started. You and I are the same age. There’s a certain threshold that I feel like we’re we’re standing at, and, I don’t need quite so much of the habit, energy, attention grabbing anymore. I’m much more interested in what I can do for other people. And then resting.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:16  Yeah. One of the things I really liked about the book is you talk about a couple of Zen concepts, one being emptiness and the other being sort of no self. And those concepts can be very hard to grasp from if you’re not steeped in those things.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:33  But you actually, I think, make a nice bridge from how we normally are in the world and on our way to seeing emptiness, on our way to seeing no self. You talk about all the things we can sort of let go along the way. That I think makes this a much more practical book in that way.

Elena Brower 00:04:53  I’ve been studying a little more the Chan texts, challenging the sort of Chinese precursor to what became Zen in Japan. Some of those teachers really have this, you know, it’s really where someone like Dogen, who is the source teacher of the lineage in which you and I are practicing Soto Zen. He went to China to get educated, you know, and to to be enlightened, as it were. but teachers like Hangzhou are the ones who have the voice of no self. That really makes sense to me. Those teachers have then been spoken about by, you know, Zen teachers from the 70s and 80s like Charlotte Joko Beck, 90s, who have created this way of talking about no self that is not dissimilar to what we were just saying.

Elena Brower 00:05:54  The the focus off of self concern, self-consciousness and on to, you know, what’s here, what’s actually present. Sort of like in the yoga practice when you’re I was just teaching a class and I was saying how so it was a stress relief flow. The titles are so silly, but they’re not. I don’t make up the titles, but I have to work my way into those titles because they are what people will see and then choose. So the stress relief flow that I taught today, 20 minutes dissolving into the practice as though the boundaries of the body are disappearing and only the practice remains. And all of the sort of stress what we think about is stress, which is really just habit. Energy kind of dissipates, poof, into the air. and we have left the practice itself. And I think that is what the Chinese masters we’re trying to get across, I guess. Sit upright just to find your breath. But really, what we’re trying to do is lose ourselves in the process so that we can feel a sense of freedom.

Elena Brower 00:07:12  The self that we’re losing is a self full of habits and tendencies, and the freedom that we’re feeling is a freedom that belongs to all of us.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:22  There’s a lot in this book about opening, and you talk about six different types of practices of opening, but you say that a big part of opening is releasing attachments to identity, certainty, self-doubt and fixed narratives. Yeah, pick any of those and talk about them.

Elena Brower 00:07:44  You know, I think self-doubt is one of those strange, modern luxuries that doesn’t really help us. You know, if you’re watching this, you have a job to do. You have a partnership. You have a friendship that you’re cultivating. You have a work. You have a kid to raise or somebody you know, your best friend’s kid or your sister’s kid. You’ve got something to do. And self-doubt is like this delay button. It’s like guilt. It’s not really a feeling. If you look at the nonviolent communication list of feelings and needs, guilt is not a feeling. doubt is not a feeling.

Elena Brower 00:08:22  Fear is a feeling. Sad is a feeling. But doubt is kind of like a construct that doesn’t actually help or serve us. I’m very interested in the process that, I mean, I saw my own process and then I saw processes of friends. I have a wonderful story in there that was not an easy story to bear witness to. a dear friend of mine whose daughter was basically, for all intents and purposes, taken by this person’s now ex-partner. It was such a harrowing time, and I just decided, I’m not going to sit here and doubt what I should do. I’m just going to ask questions and see how I can serve. And it worked out, and the child got a lot more confidence herself, and so did I in the process.

Eric Zimmer 00:09:12  Yes, self-doubt is such a big thing. And you talk about it in the book to a certain degree, about how even writing this book process. Right, start. You’ve got one draft of it that doesn’t feel right. There’s doubts. I mean, I’ve talked to so many authors and I know you have two.

Eric Zimmer 00:09:27  And the thing I’ve learned is that everybody gets it. You know, no matter how successful somebody’s been in the past, they still, in the midst of a difficult creative project, end up with self-doubt. And you’re right, it doesn’t do any good. I love to think about like, is this thought useful? I can barely think of a time that self-doubt as a useful thought.

Elena Brower 00:09:47  No, it’s simply not. And the the fact of it is, the minute I sort of set it to the side and continue on with whatever needs to happen, I am capable of completing or, you know, tackling whatever it is that needs to be tackled. And yeah, to the first draft, I just bow and say how adorable it was that I thought I had to write that that book that I thought it was. And I’m so grateful to my editor for the way that she brought it to me and encouraged me to literally begin again from scratch and, you know, explore my own experience, not just some sort of teaching.

Elena Brower 00:10:31  Yeah, that sounds amazing. And that has had a huge impact on my life, but isn’t actually a personal story.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:41  Right? And the book is really based on like a short teaching or idea and then so many personal stories. It’s it’s really grounded in that way.

Elena Brower 00:10:51  Yeah. And I’m, I’m a bit nervous. You know, it’s sort of the most personal I’ve ever been. And I’m really excited. And I feel kind of speaking of losing self doubt. I feel pretty fearless about it. And a lot of my elementary school friends and my high school art teacher, they’re coming to the New York events. Wow. This feels like a really beautiful full circle. You know, these are people I’ve known for 50 years or more. 30 years. 40 years. So beautiful.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:25  That really is. I’d like to talk a little bit about the journey to sobriety for you, if that’s okay.

Elena Brower 00:11:32  For sure.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:34  So you’re in recovery. is.

Elena Brower 00:11:37  It 11 years?

Eric Zimmer 00:11:38  11 years. Okay. Yep.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:40  And talk to me about what it was like, you know, before you got to recovery. And what did your spiritual life look like at that point? You were engaged in practices of of these sorts. So I just love to hear more about what it was like to be in that.

Elena Brower 00:11:59  Okay. It was kind of messy. And I was teaching yoga at the time, and I would always have my schedule in such a way that I would be teaching late in the day so that I could spend the morning after I dropped my son off at school getting stoned, being creative. And then, you know, bringing myself together, sorting myself out and then going to work once I was right. It’s such a fascinating thing to think about now, the amount of time that I don’t want to say wasted, but the amount of time spent on recovering from bringing myself voluntarily sideways fascinates me. Yeah, and I can see now. I just got back from a six day sesshin, as it happens. And the realization in this particular sesshin, Eric, was that I spent most of my 20s, 30s and even into my 40s to some degree, numbing myself with weed and also with love and attention and then forgetting, like consciously forgetting things, names so that I would not feel the pain that I was in.

Elena Brower 00:13:12  Yeah. And that’s about what it was every single day. Once I dropped my kid off at school, it didn’t happen on the weekends because I was with him most weekends, but, Wow. I would drive home. I would smoke on the way home if I could. Or I would walk home when I lived closer to the school at a certain point. And then I would go right home, right up to the roof and get stoned. Then what? You know, I would paint. Maybe I would usually end up reorganizing some aspect of my bookshelf or my closet. Like something mundane. You know how it is.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:54  Oh, yeah.

Elena Brower 00:13:55  And I don’t want to say I’m embarrassed to talk about it now, but it’s like. It’s pretty embarrassing. And then I would, you know, eat something, take a shower, clean myself off, purify. You know what a waste of so much life force for, you know, well over a decade I did that. And when it was time to be done, it was so time.

Elena Brower 00:14:16  I’d gotten so many good signs and words from friends, Gabby Bernstein being one of them, Tommy Rosen being another. My friend, DJ Pierce, who’d already been sober for a number of years. All of them were just like, hey, dude, you can’t do God’s work. You can’t do this kind of work if you’re getting stoned every day. I know it’s fun and I know it’s cute and you know you have fun hanging out with your friends, and that’s cool. But you, this is not it’s not working. And then one day, my now ex-husband, who’s still very dear friend of mine, my son’s father and and our babysitter, who was our sitter from 0 to 13. And we left New York. They sat me down and did sort of an intervention, and they were like, dude, you know, this isn’t working. You’re not. It’s not fun to work with you anymore. Something is off and you know, you’re losing track of facts and schedules and plans and it’s no longer tenable.

Elena Brower 00:15:19  And that was that was it.

Chris Forbes 00:15:33  Q.

Eric Zimmer 00:15:56  You’ve got a a line in the book that I really loved, and I’m going to apply it here in a certain way, which is how human of me.

Elena Brower 00:16:04  Yeah. My teacher, Judith Lassiter. Totally.

Eric Zimmer 00:16:07  It is a human thing to avoid things that are uncomfortable, things that cause discomfort. Now, some of us, I think, take that thing where we really take the avoidance to, to, to an nth degree kind of thing. What do you think the pain was that you didn’t want to feel?

Elena Brower 00:16:27  I’m still working through that. I don’t actually I can’t really identify what it is yet. I need another six day session at some point in the coming months. At least this time I could feel that there was pain and that there was active avoidance through many more ways than I imagined. And now I’m I’m looking at it and I it could be very, you know, sort of little t trauma, you know, things like encounters with men or, you know, some sort of fight that I’m having with my parent.

Elena Brower 00:17:08  But there there has to be something else in there. And I’m gonna I’m going to be working on that in therapy for some time. But at least I know that there was some sort of chronic underlying subterranean pain there. And I feel kind of a little less tense and even dense, being able to see and know that.

Eric Zimmer 00:17:30  I think that mystery of why. Right. There’s some people that it’s pretty clear they suffered extreme trauma, and all the literature is very clear. The more trauma you suffered as a child, you’re far more likely to be an addict. Like it’s just it’s a pretty clean line. So for me, I have some theoretical ideas of what it was and actually some real ideas. But what I think is interesting is that it starts to loop on itself relatively quickly, meaning I’m avoiding some little pain, maybe not even little, but I’m avoiding it. And then soon, that avoidance I start to feel bad about, you know, teaching yoga after being stoned all morning for a long time.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:14  That’s a big part of the pain at that point. Addiction is such a monster in that way that it feeds itself on shame.

Elena Brower 00:18:21  This is a very good point. The shame that I felt when I was addicted would continue to to sort of build energy, an avalanche. At a certain point, I just couldn’t handle it anymore, and I needed to stop. And I knew that I couldn’t face myself anymore. Yeah, and that was when I started to see, okay, I can get free. A lot of my friends have gotten free of this. I’m going to do this. I can do this. And and then, sure enough, I was able to do this, and it was so heartening. And it changed my life. Changed my life completely.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:57  What was your path in recovery early on?

Elena Brower 00:19:00  You know, I just leaned on my friends who had done it. the very first 40 days, I went through Gabby Bernstein’s book and I did 40 days of prompts from her and 40 little tiny pieces of art.

Elena Brower 00:19:18  It was at the very beginning of Instagram, if you remember, just over a decade ago, 12, 11, 12 years ago, and I started posting the little pieces of art that was going to be my sort of entree into social media. I thought, this is true. This feels to me. I don’t feel particularly, capable of doing any of this, but this I can do. This is this is real. And that’s how I did it. And that was the first 40 days. Not easy. I luckily had friends on whom I could lean, and I also had other friends who continued to smoke, but who would be totally fine if I hung out and didn’t smoke, or would opt not to smoke when I was around. Very respectful and beautiful and it was very helpful. And it wasn’t. At a certain point, I crossed that 40 day threshold and I thought, all right, this is actually not a big deal. I never liked drinking anyway. The weed is so stupid and destructive.

Elena Brower 00:20:23  I’m done with it. And my life is beautiful. And I started to really, you know, engage with myself in all kinds of ways, in ways that felt true to me, in ways that continue to evolve. And I hope that I can be some kind of inspiration to other people who are on the path to sobriety, whether it be from alcohol or love or weed or whatever it is. I also had tobacco in there, to be fair, and that was probably the hardest part. It was actually the tobacco.

Eric Zimmer 00:20:56  So I want to explore something I said a couple minutes ago that is in your book, which is how human of me. Yeah. Talk to me about how that phrase is useful to you.

Elena Brower 00:21:07  Judith Lassiter, who’s one of my dear, dear teachers and is very well known, the yoga space, as probably one of the most important teachers of our time. She and I connected when she asked me to blurb her book, and I fell in love with this book and blurted it right away, and we connected.

Elena Brower 00:21:29  Sometime later, I had an incident with a student where I was completely at fault, and I had insinuated my own needs for attention and love on them, and that had been some maybe decade or two decade or 12 years prior. Came back to me where that student sort of, you know, wanted seemingly some reconciliation. Turns out she didn’t, but it’s fine. I turned to Judith and I said, Judith, how do I apologize appropriately for this? And she started teaching me about nonviolent communication. Marshall Rosenberg’s opus body of work. The most efficient way of creating connection between not only two people, but also between you and yourself. NVC is predicated on four steps. The first is making an observation. The second is stating a feeling that you’re having. The third is stating the need that either is met or isn’t met. And the fourth, if you’re giving yourself empathy, is to say, how human of me. If you’re communicating with someone else, it’s to make a request. But the way Judith teaches it, she implores us to be very clear about the self empathy piece first before we start communicating with other people.

Elena Brower 00:22:55  And that sentence, how human of me changed my life. And then she taught me how to apologize. And it’s very simple, Eric. It’s one addition to and I’m sorry. And it says, here’s what I would have done differently had I had the chance to do it again. I use it in my family all the time so that if I do something really stupid or shitty to my son or my my partner James, I can actually say. You know what? I’m so sorry. If I could do that over again, here’s what I would say. And then that new kind of paradigm is the paradigm. That new way of saying what was said is suddenly what’s in the field. And the what had been said is out of the field and off the table, off the plate. And there’s a freedom in that, you know, there’s a new track and it’s very beautiful to be part of that kind of communication.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:56  Hey, friend, before we dive back in, I want you to take a second and think about what you’ve been listening to.

Eric Zimmer 00:24:02  What’s one thing that really landed, and what’s one tiny action you could take today to live it out? Those little moments of reflection. That’s exactly why I started good wolf reminders. Short, free text messages that land in your phone once or twice a week. Nearly 5000 people already get them and say the quick bursts of insight help them shift out of autopilot and stay intentional in their lives. If that sounds like your kind of thing, head to one uEFI net and sign up. It’s free. No spam, and easy to opt out of any time. Again, that’s one Eufy net tiny nudges, real change. All right, back to the show. I think that last piece is so wise and so smart, because I think often the reason we keep repeating certain behaviors is we haven’t really gotten clear on what to do instead. You talked early on about like, habit energy, like we we react in habitual ways. And I think one big step is seeing and imagining and thinking through what would how would I actually want to do it.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:15  That’s right. And I think that’s so important and so valuable in not only amending it, but like you said, like actually giving me a direction to go.

Elena Brower 00:25:23  And the what happens not just for the person who’s offering the apology, but for the person who’s receiving it. What happens for them is that they get to feel that first kind of bite of what was said. And then the new version of the of the event is what gets imprinted. It’s magic.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:46  That’s beautiful.

Elena Brower 00:25:47  It really is. I thank Judith every day for it. She’s mentioned in the book and honored in the book, because she has been a huge part of my last, let’s say, ten years of life coming to accept myself and know myself, you know, going through menopause and just being cool with who I am and how things are changing my whole body and face and everything, and just loving myself, being tender with myself. So sweet. And a lot of that is because of her.

Eric Zimmer 00:26:50  I want to read a little bit of the A section out of this about how human, because I think it’s so beautiful and it’s such a powerful idea how human of me.

Eric Zimmer 00:26:59  I repeat, day after day whenever I feel grief, disconnection, confusion, or fear. How human of me to create this drama for myself? How human of me to keep myself in this cycle of fear and frustration. How human of me to make that mistake. How human of me to doubt myself, how human of me to think the worst possible scenario is happening. How human of me. And I just love that. It’s part of the reason I love the parable at the beginning of this show. It’s not to draw a binary thing between two things. It’s to acknowledge that these struggles go on in everyone. You know how human of me. Part of me wants to go that direction, and part of me wants to go that direction.

Elena Brower 00:27:44  Yeah, and it’s true for all of us. And at a certain point, we have to just realize, like adding the being hard on yourself is actually that shame spiral that all of us go through as we make our way through recovery. Don’t add being hard on yourself.

Elena Brower 00:28:02  Don’t add the guilt or add the shame. Just leave it at okay, here’s the person that I would like to show up as. Here’s the energy, even more accurately, that I would like to show up with. How do I get there? How do I create that? And that, I think, is a very worthwhile conversation to pull apart. And in Zen and in John two, there are so many teachings about it. There’s no, you know, there is no high or low or yes or no good or bad in this whole world of Zen and John. There’s just sort of a relaxed presence that can mount an appropriate response to whatever’s happening. How do we get there? How do we just get there? We sit. We listen. We practice in real time. You know, in our interactions. And we do our best.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:58  Did you really just move to Santa Fe with no idea that there are two incredible Zen centers there, and just suddenly find that there’s one of the best Zen centers in the country, right next to you, and you picked up the practice.

Elena Brower 00:29:12  That’s correct.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:14  That’s amazing.

Elena Brower 00:29:15  Because my best friend had moved here. It was Covid. I spent way too much energy and money in two places at once. My kid was 13 at the time, and he was just starting to like sprout. He’s now six three, and I didn’t want to get stuck in our tiny little shoebox apartment in New York. And by some strange miracle, I had the means to do that. So we left and we thought, we’ll just go there for like a month or two. And day two I drove by. You buy a day? Probably five. I drove by Mountain Cloud. I was like, wow, this is unbelievable. And I had met Roshi Joan about 20 years prior, and some little shop in New York was introduced to her and clocked her. I was like, wow, there’s. He was a teacher, but I was all embroiled in so many other things. And yoga. And, you know, none of it was bad and none of it was going to be the ultimate end of my road.

Elena Brower 00:30:22  Yeah, but Zen is. And when I started studying with Roshi Joan, I took the socially engaged Buddhist training. I started then in the chaplaincy training some months later. Yeah. Zen has my heart. The way in which both Chan and Zen kind of speak around things and give you the pointing at, but not the exact, the way the practices and the really good teachers are encouraging us to just sit and be relaxed. Don’t be rigid, you know, don’t be so tight. Be dignified. Be in integrity. Listen to the stories and see where they apply in your own life. EHF take them into. In the most important part, I feel, take them into the ways in which you relate in the world. Be a good human, you know. Serve people. Take care of people. That has freed me up in a way that I couldn’t have imagined, and I don’t know who I would be if I’d stayed in New York. I certainly don’t know who my son would be. He’s now mountain kid and a ski really good skier.

Elena Brower 00:31:34  Like he’s a totally different being. I don’t know how it would have turned out if we hadn’t left.

Eric Zimmer 00:31:40  Yeah, I think of moving to Santa Fe from time to time for simply those two Zen centers. They’re just so good. Both Henry and and Roshi Joan are incredible teachers and so.

Elena Brower 00:31:53  Many other ones too. So many other great teachers.

Eric Zimmer 00:31:55  At both places. Yeah, it’s one of the downsides of Columbus, Ohio, is we have a small Zen group that sits together, but we don’t have a teacher in person. So even some of the intense work I’ve done with Ians and other places, it’s always been sort of a remote thing. I go see them on screen a couple times a year. Yeah, it’s just really a great coming together of being at that place at that time.

Elena Brower 00:32:20  Totally. Yeah, it was very fortunate and very thing. I’m very thankful that I’m here and I can just go down there for the 7 a.m., sit in the 530 sit, you know, and just be amazing.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:32  Yeah. Wow. It’s really great. I want to pick a couple other lines out of the book.

Elena Brower 00:32:38  Nice.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:39  And the first one is, I am the only one who can create pockets of safety within my own being. I just. I love that line.

Elena Brower 00:32:49  We grow up thinking that the teacher, the parent, the sibling, the friend, that those external humans are the ones who can create safety for us. And then we learn whether it’s a very, very, very capital T big trauma lesson or a smaller one that no one can do that for us but ourselves. And it’s one of the biggest realizations, I think, of my adult life, and it’s given me a lot of courage.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:19  That idea that only we can do, it can be very daunting. Yeah. Say more about how you have courage in the face of that.

Elena Brower 00:33:29  You know, I think I took the precepts a couple of years ago in 2023, and the precepts have helped me have a lot of courage, because I’m the only person who can keep these precepts.

Elena Brower 00:33:44  I’m the only person who can mind my energy. And that means that I’m the only person who can create a feeling of safety. But I stay with the precepts. It’s really easy to live my life this way, knowing that this is the choice that I’m making. I’m not going to do that thing because it’s not in the precepts. My friends and I make a joke all the time about how funny it is that this moment that we’re about to gossip is not of the precepts, you know, and so we joke about it, but that’s about the worst thing that happens.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:18  So tell us what the precepts are. For listeners who aren’t familiar with them. Or give me an example of a couple would be adequate. Probably.

Elena Brower 00:34:26  I will not steal. I will not covet. I will use my speech wisely and and truly, there are ways to keep myself on the path. When there’s an option, I’m not going to take it because I’ve made these vows and I want to live by them. And it makes life very simple, sometimes very boring.

Elena Brower 00:34:54  you know, yeah. I will not speak ill of the three treasures, Treasurers and I will maintain a certain level of dignity in my behavior comport. And I didn’t come from that. So it’s really nice to have those parameters around what I’m doing, because I feel a lot of freedom within those parameters where I felt very sort of out of sorts before I had too many choices. It’s almost like the difference between going to a giant store and a small local place where instead of having three choices of of a bowl to buy, you have one. That’s the one you get, you know?

Eric Zimmer 00:35:36  Yeah. It’s interesting. I arrived at a similar place. I was sober eight years, very low bottom heroin addict, and then and then sober eight years, and then drank and smoked weed again for about three years. And when I came back the second time to recovery, and I got I got sober in 12 step programs, I realized that this idea of a higher power I had been pretending before. I had been trying to believe in something that I didn’t believe in.

Eric Zimmer 00:36:04  I felt like if I’m going to do this, I’ve got to. What is it? And it turned out for me, what worked was I believed that there were certain principles about how to live, that if I lived by those, I could handle what life brought me and I could stay sober. And it’s a similar thing that you’re talking about. I had confidence in those as a guiding light.

Elena Brower 00:36:27  More than in my own behavior or choices.

Eric Zimmer 00:36:30  Yes, yes, 100%.

Elena Brower 00:36:33  I’m so glad that you find your way back, bro.

Eric Zimmer 00:36:35  Me too. Me too.

Elena Brower 00:36:37  It’s so harrowing. It’s so slippery.

Eric Zimmer 00:36:39  It is so slippery. And it was so interesting because the first time I had such a low bottom, I was, I was homeless. I weighed £100, I had hepatitis C, I had 50 years of jail sentence. I mean, like, it was bad the second time around. It wasn’t bad like that. It was just alcohol and weed, but inside I just had enough. I guess the eight years of recovery, I just had enough inside me that I knew I was just as sick as I was before.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:05  The circumstances were different, but inside, the only thing I put getting high over and drinking over everything else. And that was the commonality in both of those situations.

Elena Brower 00:37:17  There’s a John teaching. I happen to have this book open because I’m obsessed with it. Wahoo! Silent illumination. It’s really.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:26  Beautiful.

Elena Brower 00:37:27  You would enjoy. This is Hangzhou, actually. Unpretentious and empty, pure and still cold and dispassionate, innocent and genuine. This is how to eradicate countless lifetimes of accumulated habit tendencies. The moment habit tendencies and defilements exhaust themselves. Intrinsic luminosity will manifest blazing through your skull. This is from the six seven hundreds. And when he talks about cold and dispassionate, what he really means is like, yeah, just not quite so much of this. Like attachment to an outcome, attachment to some sort of result, but just unpretentious, innocent, genuine, relaxed even. Is some of the narrative here from the author, who translates and interprets this and the the exhaust themselves, the habit tendencies, habit energies exhausting themselves.

Elena Brower 00:38:33  I think that’s where we get to at a certain point in recovery and we’re just, yes, done. Like, I just can’t do this anymore. I’m so annoyed, ashamed, disgusted with myself. And then this sort of luminosity comes And I look back at that time and I think, My God. Had I known where I’d be sitting and what I would be doing and how I would be like having to move for the brightness of the sun coming over a hill, I would have stopped so much sooner, you know. But it took what it took.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:10  Yeah. I’ve joked before that if you took that 20 year old version of me and you dropped in my skull today, he would think he was enlightened. I’m not saying I am enlightened. I am simply saying that the distance, the distance from the consciousness I had then to what I have now would be so sudden that, you know, it would just blow his mind and he would probably do exactly what you’re saying. Be like, all right, I’m done.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:34  Yeah, yeah. My favorite book of all time probably is the doubt aging. If I had to pick, like, one book that’s been my guide. And Zen is, like, just the mirroring of that and Buddhism, it just it fits for me in that way because that book is inscrutable, often in the same ways. It’s a beautiful.

Elena Brower 00:39:53  Book. About number 11 in the Dow. Two days ago, the center of the wheel being the the most important part. It’s not the part that actually moves or does anything. It’s not the spokes, it’s the center, the empty part. So interesting.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:12  And it makes that same analogy in other ways. A house is so valuable because of the space in it. A bowl is so valuable because of the space in it. And into that space, if it’s a truly open space, anything can emerge. Which is wonderful, because I love that you’ve said habit tendencies so often, because I think our culture has a lot of positive habit building in it right now.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:40  I believe in some of that stuff and write about some of that stuff, and I think there are ways that we can work with our behavior to improve our inner lives. But I don’t think we talk as often enough about. I can’t remember which Zen teacher I was reading recently, but habits of consciousness and how repetitive and sort of locked in those can be. And every bit of freedom we get from that I think, is worth it.

Elena Brower 00:41:06  I couldn’t agree more. And I like that you brought that up. Sort of emptiness. We’re circling back around to why we sit in the first place, which is just to empty it out, come back to zero. Where from? From whence? All possibilities can emerge.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:26  Talk to me about in meditation that goal. Talk to me about how you work with the fact that we get to that goal. Not incredibly often. Meaning that there is for a lot of people in meditation. And certainly my experience, there’s a lot of time where what I’m seeing is the habits of consciousness.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:46  I’m watching them play them. You know they have not exhausted themselves yet.

Elena Brower 00:41:52  Mine is definitely not. The things I was watching this time were really funny. I basically saw myself run through lists, which I’ve always done for the first ten 15 minutes, and these are longer sits. So it’s really nice because by the end of that period of time, it’s 25 minutes, 30 minutes, 40 minutes, sometimes 50. I was really gone, like, yeah, you know, just barely there. My eyes are just slightly open. I’m like, the room is becoming a mist. Am I here at all? Only, you know, it’s the thing that I desperately wanted when I was getting high.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:34  Yes.

Elena Brower 00:42:34  That I can feel now. And meditation, which is so sweet, but not all the time. And not until some time has passed.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:44  I love what you said there about. That’s what we were looking for when getting high, because one of the insights, one of the fundamental insights of a 12 step program and and you’ve hit it right on.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:54  I don’t know if you know that. It’s one of the fundamental insights, but there’s a line that selfishness, self-centeredness that is the root of our problem. Now, I think we could say that a little bit more nice right, than that. But there’s a prayer in the in the a big book that says, relieve me of the bondage of self. Like, to me, that has always been the whole game. Like, how can I just have less of this.

Elena Brower 00:43:21  Self concern.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:22  Self concern, self-creation, self ideation, identities, how can I have less of it? And I feel like I got that early on in recovery and it’s just remained the, the thing for me. And it’s what connects the energy that went into getting high to what I do today. So my last question would be in the spirit of the idea that little by little, a little becomes a lot. I’m wondering if you could give listeners a practice to try that. If they did. Is it not going to transform their life on day one? But by consistently doing would be valuable.

Elena Brower 00:44:02  It’s a little, confronting. But in the chapter on kinship, which is in chapter. Hold on one second, I’ll tell you, I think it’s in the grandmother’s heart. Chapter. Chapter five. I have a few prompts on page 150 that are kind of confronting, but also really freeing. Okay. And one is, might you find kinship with anyone with whom you don’t agree? I know I’m asking a lot here, particularly in the current political season and current events of our time. But if this were to become a practice, what you may find is that there’s a sense of ease and a mean ability and kindness, compassion that arises for yourself and then for other people. When you practice finding some thread of kinship, somebody with whom you don’t agree, that feels relevant to our time right now. Again, it’s on page 150. Here’s the here’s the look in the sunshine. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:08  Yeah. It’s beautiful.

Elena Brower 00:45:09  Yeah. There’s a little gold on it. And that I think is is a very solid practice.

Elena Brower 00:45:15  And I do it a lot so that I don’t sit and stew and hold grudges. I just continuously see if I can find some pathway, some commonality.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:27  That’s beautiful. And speaking of beautiful and the book, I was wondering if you could read the first couple. I don’t know if you want to call it a stanza, a poem, but the way the epilogue starts.

Elena Brower 00:45:39  The way the epilogue starts. Okay, here we go. Epilogue. Infusing your life with respect. Joining with your life with what’s being asked of you. With how you can serve. Attuning to your world with full acceptance. Practice. Instructive silence. More creativity. Less judgment. Feeling into something bigger and more giving.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:06  As we wrap up. Take one thing from today and ask yourself, how will I practice this before the end of the day? For another gentle nudge, join good Wolf Reminders text list. It’s a short message or two each week, packed with guest wisdom and a soft push towards action. Nearly 5000 listeners are already loving it.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:27  Sign up for free at once. You feed us. No noise, no spam.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:33  Just steady encouragement to feed your good wolf. Well, I think that is a great place for us to wrap up. Elena, it has been such a pleasure. I loved the book. I love all your work. We’ll have links in the show notes to where people can get the book, where they can find you on Substack and online. And thank you, Eric.

Elena Brower 00:46:51  I want to thank you too. It’s so nice to know that we have so many wonderful humans in common. And if you ever come this way to New Mexico, let’s go for a walk and a meal, please.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:01  Absolutely.

Elena Brower 00:47:02  Thank you.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:03  Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking. I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:20  But we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom. One episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the one You Feed community.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

Rethinking How We Work and Live: Why Freedom Is a System, Not a Feeling with Jenny Blake

November 14, 2025 Leave a Comment

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In this episode, Jenny Blake explores how we can begin rethinking how we work and live, and why freedom is a system, not a feeling. She talks about what happens when our desire for control masquerades as safety, how the wrong metrics keep us stuck, and why real freedom comes from building systems that create space instead of pressure. Jenny also digs into the fear-based habits that quietly run our days and how to redesign our lives so they support what matters most.

Exciting News!!!Coming in March, 2026, my new book, How a Little Becomes a Lot: The Art of Small Changes for a More Meaningful Life is now available for pre-orders!


Have you ever ended the day feeling like your choices didn’t quite match the person you wanted to be? Maybe you slipped into autopilot, or self-doubt made it harder to stick to your goals. That’s exactly why I created The Six Saboteurs of Self-Control—a free guide that helps you recognize the hidden patterns that quietly derail your progress and offers simple, effective strategies to move past them. If you’re ready to take back control and make meaningful, lasting change, download your free copy at oneyoufeed.net/ebook.

Key Takeaways:

  • Designing a life and business centered around freedom rather than fear.
  • Managing stress through effective systems and structures.
  • The metaphor of feeding the “good wolf” versus the “bad wolf” in personal decision-making.
  • Embracing fear and anxiety as potential superpowers rather than obstacles.
  • The pitfalls of chasing external markers of success, such as money and fame.
  • The importance of creating systems to reduce decision fatigue and chaos in daily life.
  • Exploring the concept of a “heart-based business” that aligns with personal values and integrity.
  • The significance of measuring time-to-revenue ratios instead of just revenue.
  • Questioning societal narratives about work, time, and money, and their impact on personal well-being.
  • The role of intuition versus neurosis in decision-making and personal growth.

Jenny Blake is an award-winning author, podcaster, and keynote speaker who loves helping people set their time free through smarter systems, powered by Delightfully Tiny Teams.  She is the author of three books, Life After College:  The Complete Guide to Getting What You Want, Pivot:  The Only Move That Matters is Your Next One, and her newest book, Free Time:  Lose the Busywork, Love Your Business

Connect with Jenny Blake: Website | Instagram | Linkedin | Facebook | Twitter

If you enjoyed this conversation with Jenny Blake, check out these other episodes:

How to Break Free from Achiever Fever with Claire Booth

How to Calm Your Mind and Be More Productive with Chris Bailey

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Episode Transcript:

Eric Zimmer 00:00:52  We often think control will give us peace, but as Jenny Blake says, control is just another hungry ghost. It never satisfies. We never have enough of it. In this episode, Jenny and I explore what it really means to design your life and work around freedom, not fear. We talk about systems that create space instead of pressure, the trap of chasing metrics that don’t matter, and how to let go without falling apart. This one was really important to me, because I know what it’s like to build something successful and still feel stuck. I’m Eric Zimmer and this is the one you feed. Hi, Jenny, welcome to the show.

Jenny Blake 00:01:32  Hi, Eric. Thank you for having me. I’m delighted to be here.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:35  Yes. You and I are in Gotham Production Studios in New York City. So we are here, Jenny and I, for a week of in-person interviews, which are always so joyous for me, and particularly being with you. It’s really been fun to get to know you, and I’m glad you’re here.

Jenny Blake 00:01:51  Likewise, I know it’s such a treat to meet for the first time and just hit records. So in a way, if you’re listening to this, you’re experiencing this connection and conversation in the exact same way that we are. So that’s always has a little edge. Get a little nervous. But the good kind of nervous.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:06  Yeah. We’re going to be discussing your book called Free Time. But before we do, let’s start like we always do with the parable.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:12  In the parable, there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two roles inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops and they think about it for a second, and they look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

Jenny Blake 00:02:43  I share your love of this parable. I included it in my second book, pivot. I hold it close to my heart, especially when I’m making decisions. A challenging part of decision making is often saying no to something good, something that’s working, or something that’s perfect on paper. So the way that the wolf parable plays out most frequently in my life is, am I making a decision based on fear? Either fear of what is already happening or fear of what could happen in the future? Or am I feeding the wolf that’s magnetic.

Jenny Blake 00:03:15  That’s about joy. That’s about following my energy, even if I’m uncertain and I don’t know how something is going to turn out. Am I acting out of fear, out of avoiding fear, or am I moving toward something that my intuition, my heart, my soul, my spirit is pulling me toward?

Eric Zimmer 00:03:33  Yep. We’ve engaged Coach Jenny and I over the last few years that I know you know. Well, Charlie Gilkey, he’s been a guest on the show a couple of times, and that has been a real orienting principle that I have needed, is that looking away from fear because, you know, I left a pretty lucrative full time software development world job to go out and kind of do this. And. Money was uncertain. And so, you know, fear was an element of it. And sometimes it’s easy to get stuck in there. And so it’s been really good for, you know, our work with Charlie, for him to sort of remind me of that and guide me towards more joy, which has always been the orienting way.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:16  Like with the podcast, I’ve just always been like, I’m just going to follow my curiosity. Like, if I do that with guest selection, with everything we do, I think it’ll be okay. And it tends to work out fairly well.

Jenny Blake 00:04:28  It’s funny you mentioned that about Charlie. He’s the one that 12 years ago when I was thinking of leaving Google, I said, am I crazy to do this? He and his friend, my friend to Pamela Slim, both looked at me and said, Jenny, you would be crazy not to. And I needed to hear it from them because sometimes all of this. It’s harder when even with podcasting, people say, you can’t make money podcasting, you can’t make that your full time gig. And so sometimes I find those voices can be so loud that we need the Charlie Gilks of the world. Somebody to say, I believe in you. You can do this. And in a way, then they become an external version of the wolf that we want to feed, versus the loud chorus of the ones saying, stay safe because it’s about survival.

Jenny Blake 00:05:12  And the other thing I wanted to mention about this parable, I got into self-help and even coach training when I was young, so I did coach training when I was 24, but was self helping myself before that, devouring everything I could find to soothe this deep anxiety and worry and neuroses. I joke that I have 10,000 hours of neuroses. That’s what I became really good at in my teens and 20s. It never worked for me. I felt like all the literature for so long is like the ego is bad. Banish the ego or your inner critic is vicious. Like tame your gremlins, get rid of the inner critic. And that just never worked for me. Even these formulas like, oh, you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. I don’t believe it. And so the only thing that has ever worked for me is welcoming these other voices. They’re not going to go away. I don’t need to banish them. They’re here. I joke that my imposter monster is just like the big furry blue monster from monsters, Inc. Sometimes it helps me to just personify them as like, yeah, he’s big, but.

Jenny Blake 00:06:14  Or I call one of mine the furry rest monster who pulls me into the couch and I can’t move. This is when I kind of burnt out. Yeah, at the end of the day, they’re just trying to be helpful. So even in this parable, the wolf we’re not supposed to feed, he’s not really going anywhere. Or they whichever gender of the wolf, they’re not going to go anywhere. And it’s okay. It’s actually like petting a rabid dog, like, oh, you just are neglected or you’re afraid of things and it’s okay. You know, I used to say instead of taming dragons, domesticating dragons, that what if we didn’t have such an adversarial relationship with this part of ourselves that we think is so bad. Even the bad wolf. Yeah. What if you could just pet them and they just need a belly rub, and then they’ll just quiet down? Yeah, cause it’s not that we want to listen or let that one dominate, but it just doesn’t work for me to imagine that it doesn’t exist.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:04  That’s right.

Jenny Blake 00:07:05  Whatever will stop existing.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:06  Yeah. As you were talking there, it brought a quote to mind of a gentleman I’m going to interview later this week whose name is Andrew Solomon. And he’s an amazing guy anyway. But he has a line in his book about depression and he says, basically, if you banish the dragons, you banish the heroes. Oh, and I love that because you as you brought up dragons, you know, these so-called negatives are often the way we become the best version of ourselves.

Jenny Blake 00:07:31  Yeah, and it doesn’t help, because when I was operating under that paradigm that these voices are bad, it’s bad that I have them, and it’s also bad that I can’t make them go away, that my self-help thing isn’t working. Yeah. Even part of how I describe my podcast and my work is embracing fear, anxiety and security uncertainty as the superpowers that they are. Yes, because I’ve been podcasting almost as long as you. Not quite as long you have the epic nine years in.

Jenny Blake 00:07:59  I’ve been doing eight years and I joked with you before we hit record. I still feel awkward every single time before I start. After I finish, when I listen back, it’s all awkward. But if I let that awkwardness be bad, I wouldn’t have a show at all. It wouldn’t produce anything at all. Yep, that’s sort of the way that I tame the perfectionist is just yeah, it is awkward, but I keep going anyway.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:20  Yep. So your book Free Time talks a lot about building what you call a heart based business, and it’s oriented towards business owners. And, you know, if you’re trying to build your own business, I think it’s an outstanding book. I’m going to take some of the things from it and just shift it a little bit more to the personal level, even though the entire book is personal. Right? I mean, it’s about building a business that supports you and who you are. Not just a business that makes money, but just to give an orientation for kind of where we’re going to go.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:54  But you talk very early on and you say that stress is a systems problem. So just talk about that broadly.

Jenny Blake 00:09:02  Sure. And yeah, I appreciate you shifting toward the person because really we could say heart based anything. It just means that we’re not letting external markers of success drive how we act, how we structure things. And when I say stress as a systems problem, even in the context of a household, if I noticed myself fighting with my husband about how tidy it is, like he doesn’t notice clutter at all, and it really bothers me. And when we have friction about that, that’s really a systems problem. He’s not bad or wrong, and neither am I. But the only way that we could address this is to create a system that will work for the whole triad, you know, for all of us. And because if I become overly demanding, like that’s going to wear away at his soul. And his way of being. So long story short, stress. The systems problem is really an invitation to look at anywhere that we’re experiencing stress or friction.

Jenny Blake 00:09:57  And instead of trying to make one or the other wrong, it’s almost elevating to another perspective of what steps, what system can we put in place that would alleviate this stress or friction. So in the household it’s a cleaner comes once a week on Fridays. Now sometimes my husband doesn’t like having another person around. Too bad. Like you’re not allowed to complain. We set up the system. Importantly, it’s on a recurring basis so I don’t have the decision fatigue. I used to think it was bad to spend so much money on cleaning, and I also used to try to wait. Is the house dirty enough yet? But even the constant wondering when should I call her? When should I schedule it? What day? It’s tiring. Yes. And then a person becomes resentful. The one who’s managing all that, or the one that cares about a clean house. And I got that from Byron Katie. It’s like if you’re the one noticing the dishes in the sink. Guess what? You can do them because you’re the one noticing it.

Jenny Blake 00:10:51  So I often take my own little annoyances or things in life and business as okay, I’m the one noticing it. So instead of demanding that everybody around me change, what could I set up that makes an even better scenario and why I say system. Some people feel allergic to that word. Is that a good system is recurring. It’s kind of set it and forget it. This is about setting your time free. Yes, so that once you put in place, it’s harder not to use it. Like we get pre-made meals delivered once a week. It’s not the only thing we eat, but it saves so many moments of friction or tension. Who’s cooking? What? Where are the groceries?

Eric Zimmer 00:11:27  Yep. There’s a couple things in there that I want to hit on. The first is, you know, when we say that a systems problem between people, one of the systems that is between people is the system of communication, right. And so there’s a lot of Couples therapy ideas around you. Focus on the dynamic of what the conversational system structure that has evolved between you is.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:54  Then it’s not you versus the other person, it’s you and the other person versus this dynamic, this conversational dynamic. And I’ve also heard people say, if you’re having problems and arguing a lot, focus on the process. Oh, right. And then the second you mentioned is this decisional fatigue. And I love the idea of being able to decide things once and not have to keep deciding them. You know, being able to say, like every Friday I go rock climbing. Now does that mean I climb every Friday? No, of course not. Sometimes it doesn’t work, but I’m not having to figure out, like, well, what do I do on Friday? Or when am I going to rock climb this week? It’s like, well, Friday, right? And then again, there are exceptions to the rule and I can handle those. But the more we can sort of decide that sort of stuff like, this is what I do in the morning, it’s always set that way. Separating that decision from the action is so valuable because, as you mentioned, how much time and energy goes into deciding or figuring something out, let alone then taking the action, right? So how much time do you spend swirling in your mind about, like you said, the cleaning lady calling the cleaning lady is not very hard, right? But for those of us who have minds that tend to get stuck in a groove, you know, can churn up a lot of energy.

Jenny Blake 00:13:11  And it exacerbates the situation. Because if I’m booking on an ad hoc basis, oh, no, she’s not available. Now we’re going back and forth ten messages for the next date. When it’s recurring, it’s set it and forget it. So when you’re rock climbing example, if you don’t block off your calendar with a recurring do not schedule block, then you might say, great, I’m going to go rock climbing. Oh no, my team has booked me for five podcasts, so you can in a calendar sense, and I encourage everybody to do this. Grab some time. Design your calendar First before anyone else has a crack at it. And so you could have a recurring Friday and then you could even. And I know you’re big on connection and community and accountability. You could even always meet somebody at the rock climbing gym, so you feel even more like drawn to Go or oh, I don’t feel like it today. Well, I’m meeting my friend there. Yeah. And so there are just all these ways that we can set up the system to be a little more ironclad.

Jenny Blake 00:14:03  Part of the reason we’re recording here at Gotham, as you mentioned, and I record here a lot for solo episodes, for the sole fact that when I show up, I don’t want to burn my own money. So I have to produce, because if I try to record my solo episodes at home, it’s like, oh, I don’t feel like it. I’m not in the right mood. Oh, whatever’s happening in the living room is more fun. I just fritter the time away. But when I come here, it’s like, no, you’re paying for this. Yeah. Make it happen.

Eric Zimmer 00:14:30  Yep. If there is a rock climber in Columbus, Ohio, listening to this, who would like to meet me at the gym, let me know, because I do not have a climbing friend. My son when he’s in town. So you talk about not chasing what you call the Four horsemen of the business ambition apocalypse. And again, this applies whether you know, you’re talking about your own business, somebody you work for any of that, but you call them the hungry ghosts of money, fame, power and control.

Eric Zimmer 00:14:55  Talk a little bit about those.

Jenny Blake 00:14:57  Money, power and fame are the ones that we most commonly hear as vices. And even one of my friends has a theory that each of us has a proclivity toward one of those three, even if it’s not in an extreme or nefarious sense, we might be a little more driven by money, by power, by fame. But the one that I think we don’t talk enough about, that I sort of added is control, and that whether it is as a business owner or in your own life or in your relationships, control can be a hungry ghost because you’ll never have enough of it. It will never actually soothe the existential discomfort of whatever it is trying to be in relationship or trying to be in the world, trying to be in your career? We try to control things or we think we somehow can control things, and that that will make us feel better. And I just don’t think it works. It ends up kind of suffocating the life out of most situations when control is taken to an extreme.

Speaker 4 00:15:52  So let’s go a little.

Eric Zimmer 00:15:54  Deeper on that, because a lot of your book is about creating systems that give your life more freedom, and that happens by imposing some degree of structure and repeatability. What’s the difference between doing that wisely and chasing the hungry ghost of control?

Jenny Blake 00:16:13  Part of it, for me, has been a lesson in choosing what to be a perfectionist about and then letting the rest go. So I’m very detail oriented when it comes to my books. No stone goes unturned. I went through the entire free time manuscript and made sure no hyphenated word was hanging off the right side of the page, stuff like that. That drives everyone around me crazy. So sometimes I think you’re right. Control can tie into structure rigidity boundaries. You know, these all have a dance, but in the free time sense. When I started, the book launched a little over a year ago, and people would say it’s a time management or productivity book. And I know I share this thought with Oliver Berkman, who wrote 4000 weeks.

Jenny Blake 00:16:52  I know you’ve had him on the show. He and I both share this philosophy that just trying to squeeze more out of the time we have feels terrible. So in a way, efficiency means, oh, can you do what you’re doing? But more, better, faster. And then time management, just the word management. It’s like time is in a box slash prison cell. And we’re going to manage it and even micromanage it and control it until it produces exactly the peak performance output that we want. And there are so many podcasts about peak performance. And the phrase itself kind of drives me nuts because we’re human beings. Like sometimes we’re at our peak, and a lot of times we’re not. So to me, the systems are actually a gentle way of putting things in place so that we relieve the burden off of our mind. To have to think about that thing again. Even teaching team members, you know. If you ask me a question and it doesn’t live in our documentation, please add it for the next time.

Jenny Blake 00:17:49  That’s a step that takes a little extra time now, but it’s going to save us all time in the future. And so I think trying to control and this is why I don’t advise like manual time tracking or putting your calendar 15 minute increments. That does work for some people, but I find that imposing too much control feels quite constricting at the end of the day. I would rather create the loose boundaries even. Oh, I don’t take calls before 11 or after two. Then I can be really loose and free and then the work is actually dropping the guilts. Oh, I should be working because that’s who. A factory system doesn’t work for most of us. The factory system was not at any point, and even the way it manifests in today’s corporate structure was not in any way designed for our physical and relational health and thriving. It was purely designed for productivity and really the only person that it benefits to burn everybody out is the one at the top who benefits from reaping all that reward. And for the rest of us, it’s just not a sustainable way to be.

Eric Zimmer 00:19:06  I think it’s always interesting the level of structure and system that gets put in place for anything, whether it be a business or own life. You know, I was in software startups for a long time, and I just used to say, like, what we’re looking for is enough structure that the train doesn’t come off the tracks, but that it also doesn’t get slowed down, you know, and, and you can use you can use that slowed down metaphor doesn’t mean you have to go faster, right? In the case of a train, you might want it to go faster. But. But what’s the level of structure that sort of keeps things in place? So I don’t have to keep deciding, keep thinking about them, but then also does allow me as much freedom around that.

Jenny Blake 00:19:49  And I see what you’re saying because yes, there is a level of discipline. I think when people join my team, they often say like they’re learning a lot, which I think is another way of saying, oh, I’m very particular about how things are done.

Jenny Blake 00:20:01  For me, the systems, as it would relate to even the word or idea of control, it’s actually a way to mitigate the chaos or the repetition or the busy work or minutia that would result from just not having designed an intelligent, elegant, graceful, repeatable system in the first place. So I guess it’s almost like without controlling how things are done in the sense of very intentionally saying, how could this process flow more smoothly and even your example of in relationships. How could these conversations, when we’re in intense disagreement, how can we move through this even when we don’t agree? And if we can design that intentionally up front? Yes, I might seem like a little more sort of structure or rigidity or control than people are used to, but I just think it saves so much chaos and wasted time and energy down the road.

Speaker 4 00:20:56  You talk about.

Eric Zimmer 00:20:56  In a lot of businesses, you know, there’s a missing metric. And again, I want to expand this more broadly to human things, right. Because we all are measuring our lives in many different ways kind of all the time, you know.

Eric Zimmer 00:21:11  And so when we’re unstructured about that, to me, then it’s very easy to start chasing the hungry ghost of money or fame, whether that fame be big time fame or just being well-known on the school PTA council.

Jenny Blake 00:21:28  How many likes a photo?

Eric Zimmer 00:21:29  Yeah. How many likes the photo gets, right? And you introduce a new metric that I love, which I didn’t have these words to use it, but has been again with a lot of help from Charlie in particular, been something that we have really oriented around over the last couple of years, which is the time to revenue ratio. Right? Like how much time does it take me to earn X amount of money? It’s a really interesting way to think about it because most of us think about revenue. You know, how much money is being made without thinking as much about what’s the cost to do so right?

Jenny Blake 00:22:00  And in a way, it makes sense. Who could blame any of us because money seems so fundamentally tied to survival, right? And you and I are both stateside.

Jenny Blake 00:22:10  I know many listeners may not be, but here in America, we’re particularly obsessed with money. How much do we have? Do we need to make more because we don’t have some of the broader social support structures that, say, the Norwegian countries have. So money is vital because if you don’t have health insurance and anything happens to you, it could spiral you into bankruptcy or. I mean, there are very serious money related concerns. Even the phrase from Benjamin Franklin. Time is money. But it’s so much more than that. And so the missing metric is time. How much time did it take you to earn that revenue in your business? Or let’s say you work for a company okay. You’re making seven figures, but you’re completely burning yourself out to the point where you might get very sick, then your time will really be cut short. I had friends who entered investment banking and they were making more money than me, but they were sleeping at the office. They were sometimes getting three hours of sleep a night, and each person.

Jenny Blake 00:23:05  I can’t tell anyone what to think or what to do, but each person has to decide if I die tomorrow or if I die in a year. Is this trade off worth it? The amount of time that is yielding a seven figure salary or a seven figure business. And to be really intentional, because sometimes what you hear from even those people that you know in free time, the way I put it is the way we bake is as important as what we make. I’m not convinced that if you burn yourself out or you spend so much time to achieve the money at the expense of your health and the expense of relationships, that you’ll be any happier when you get there, or that you’ll even be able to change those habits once you get there, wherever there is. If you talk to wealthy people, a lot of them say they’re just as miserable as the next, or then they become worried about losing that money, or then they escalate their lifestyle on the hedonic treadmill, and it never ends. So I just my curiosity is, what if we could spend the time and specifically measure not just how much any of us is making? How much time did it take to get there? How much life force did that require from us? And you could have a really peaceful, joyful, peaceful six figure job or business.

Jenny Blake 00:24:13  Or you could have one that’s killing you slowly.

Eric Zimmer 00:24:16  Yep. I keep referencing Charlie, but it’s been fundamental because it really became clear. Like, I’ve coached a lot of people on this to over the years, which is like if you’re building a business because you are saying that part of what you want is freedom. Be careful because you can build a business that will make you much less free than you were in your day job. If you’re not careful, you know. And so it’s about being really intentional about what am I doing and why. And there are different times and places for different things. Right. Like what? I had to prioritize the first year or two as I left my corporate job to doing this full time. You know, there were certain priorities there, given where we were, and we had to orient in a certain way. But over time, what I’ve seen happen is how easy it is to box yourself into a corner where you get what you think you wanted. And then, as you said, it doesn’t make you happy either, because the thing itself isn’t what you thought it was, which is often the case.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:16  Okay, I’ve got my own, you know, seven figure business, but I can never be away, can never take a week off. I’m always working. I can never stop thinking about it. So it’s. You don’t get what you thought you were going to get. Or to your point, the mindstate of, you know I’ll be happy. When is one of the most pernicious mind states. I’m sure it’s a human thing, because I think we’re wired to always sort of want the next thing. It’s part of the survival mechanism, but it’s something to really watch for, because if we get where we thought we wanted to be and we’re incapable of enjoying it because the goalpost just moves right. And this is something we all know.

Jenny Blake 00:25:59  And all we’ve done is deepen the grooves on those neural pathways. So we’re even making it even harder to break those habits. Yep. Down the road, whenever we get there. Where we’re there. Exactly. I’ve also tried to be really intentional about decoupling the idea that if I work less time, I’ll make less money.

Jenny Blake 00:26:15  And just is that true? What if what if I work half the time and earn twice as much? Who says so I noticed myself. I had these narratives that society is very happy to hand us, that we assume a linear causal relationship. Yes, even maybe even subtly, as we’re talking now, it’s like, well, if I scale back my time or my energy will earn less, but I’m okay with that and make it something where it’s assumed.

Eric Zimmer 00:26:41  Yes.

Jenny Blake 00:26:41  And says who?

Eric Zimmer 00:26:43  Yep.

Jenny Blake 00:26:44  Says who. So I’m always just questioning that. Says who?

Eric Zimmer 00:26:46  That is one in me that really takes effort to unwind because I don’t know what it is. I mean, I guess there’s a lot of it that’s cultural. You know, it’s around this work ethic idea, which has served me very well in many different ways of my life. But it can get to the point that the point is how hard you’re working. Right. And so I’ve had to really work to unwind that. Like you said.

Eric Zimmer 00:27:06  Says who? I might work less. Does that mean I’m going to earn less? Maybe. Maybe not.

Jenny Blake 00:27:11  And if you work less hard, does it mean the work quality will suffer the impact or output? Maybe not. What if it improves?

Eric Zimmer 00:27:17  Yeah, well, last summer I was able to take a month off. I’ve never had anything approaching that amount of time off in my life. I started working at a job when I was like 14, and before that I had paper routes and I never went to college. I don’t think I’d ever been off more than maybe two weeks, and the two weeks I’d been off might have happened the year before, like so. I’d never had any time beyond a week, and I took a month off, which seemed gratuitous, right? I mean, it just seemed. Even saying it, there’s a little part of me that’s like, oh my God, everybody’s going to think I’m spoiled. You know, it was probably one of the best business decisions I ever made because in order to take that time off, we had to systematize a bunch of things.

Speaker 5 00:28:04  yes.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:04  It was very hard to get to where I could take a month off. So all of a sudden I came back and there were two things that were very different. One is my energy level, and my interest in what I was doing had been restored. And the second was there was systems in place to handle a bunch of things that I now didn’t have to do, so that I could then turn my attention towards what I actually quote unquote do, which is talking to people and building programs. Like, all of a sudden there was more energy and time for that, and it never would have happened if I hadn’t done what I thought was a decision. I’m going to take a month off, and that’s just going to be a hit to the business. But I’m willing to make that right because I really want a month off. Afterwards I went, oh, not only did I take a month off, I’ve now put it in place that I can do it again.

Jenny Blake 00:28:58  That’s so amazing, right?

Eric Zimmer 00:28:59  And it all speaks to these things you’re talking about.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:02  But I had to question some fundamental assumptions that that was doable, possible, reasonable, acceptable, morally correct. I mean, all those things.

Jenny Blake 00:29:13  I know I feel like there’s a lot of talk about examining our money stories. And, you know, in the book I talk about our time. Our energetic time blueprint is as powerful and sometimes pernicious as the money blueprint. So I think some of us know, oh, I need to confront my money stuff. And I need to, you know, I have some limiting beliefs around money, but we don’t even question the ones around time.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:34  Say more about that energetic time.

Speaker 5 00:29:36  Well, I.

Jenny Blake 00:29:37  Just think we get imprinted what time is, how to spend it, how to move through a day, how hard to work or not. From the time where kids we grow up in a household, we grow up in a context of our home, what we see in our parents, how schools are set up, how our first jobs are set up, how society is set up.

Jenny Blake 00:29:54  And absolutely here in the States we have this Protestant work ethic. Hard work equals good and virtuous. Yes, and more work is good and virtuous. More money is good and virtuous. And yet the story I share in the book is that as a kid, my mom worked full time, so I was a latchkey kid. But I used to go to all these activities after school because then I didn’t realize until as an adult, that part of it was I needed to keep myself busy until she could pick me up, essentially. So I would go to school, then do homework, then have a piano lesson, then do ballet, then do aerobics or acrobatics, then do gymnastics, and I would have this massive stack. So then of course, as an adult working at a fast paced company like Google, my calendar was stacked in the exact same way. Then when I go out on my own in my business, my calendar was stacked the exact same way. No matter how much I set, I wanted free time.

Jenny Blake 00:30:44  I was always mapping my calendar to this time blueprint of cramming things to the gills, stuffing them to the gills, making exceptions for everyone else. Not myself. Like I always felt this unnecessary and false pressure. Someone asks me for a meeting or asked me for my time. I better squeeze it in wherever I can or when I started coaching clients whatever is good for them. Yep, you know, roll out the red carpet. But then I’m a disaster. So it got so refined talking about systems, it got so refined that I’m not taking one on one clients anymore. But when I was I would have them every other week. So A and C weeks of the month only on Thursdays and only between 11 and 2. And that might have meant I could take four clients at a time, but my rates increased by that point. I also put the billing on monthly retainer. Good until cancelled. I built everyone on the first of the month because I was tired of knowing who’s canceling when. Who am I billing when? Oh, you’re on a three month package, you’re on a six month and I’m coaching every day of the week.

Jenny Blake 00:31:41  There was no time to think. Yes, yes.

Speaker 5 00:31:43  So just consolidating.

Jenny Blake 00:31:44  And batching in a really what seems from the outside like really strict parameters set me free.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:27  Before we dive back into the conversation, let me ask you something. What’s one thing that has been holding you back lately? You know that it’s there. You’ve tried to push past it, but somehow it keeps getting in the way. You’re not alone in this, and I’ve identified six major saboteurs of self-control. Things like autopilot behavior, self-doubt, emotional escapism that quietly derail our best intentions. But here’s the good news you can outsmart them. And I’ve put together a free guide to help you spot these hidden obstacles and give you simple, actionable strategies that you can use to regain control. Download the free guide now at one you feel and take the first step towards getting back on track. One on one coaching was the way that I made the transition from the day job to other things. And so yeah, I did a ton of it until I realized like, this is all I’m doing and it’s chaos.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:26  I mean, I love it. I mean, I love working with people like. So question put to me is, you know, well, are you going to give it up? And I’m like, I don’t think I will entirely. I don’t think I’ll entirely give up working one on one with people because I love it. But I have scaled it way back. And like you said, you know, it happens in these windows of time and it’s just gotten much more refined. And so I enjoy it much more. And I think it’s just better for me and the clients.

Jenny Blake 00:33:52  And even that’s a more nuanced understanding of time, because sometimes context switching is very jarring. Like if you had to go from an operational team meeting straight into a podcast interview, straight into a coaching session, that would probably be a more taxing day than one where you have three podcast interviews back to back, where you get in the zone and you stay there. And then what you just described as hearing you talk about coaching, it’s clear that that’s life giving when you’re in it, that that hour of a coaching session or podcast interview and they have a lot in common.

Speaker 5 00:34:23  They do because they love listening.

Jenny Blake 00:34:24  Curiosity, exploration that those hours are life giving and that those are the those are the hours to figure out how to block them, how to structure the week so that you can get in the zone and stay there. But then knowing, oh, these energize me, these give me energy, give me joy. So that’s also so much more important than just how much money. Yep. That outer delivers.

Speaker 5 00:34:46  Right?

Eric Zimmer 00:34:47  Right. And to a point, that’s the other thing I sort of learned was like, I can love doing something until there’s too much of it.

Speaker 5 00:34:53  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:54  You know, and I’m such a big proponent of the middle way that any tends to be at the extremes. We find ourselves in trouble. So loving doing something doesn’t mean I want to do it 60 hours a week. You know, it might mean that the optimal amount of time for me to do it is five hours a week or ten hours a week. You know, it just everybody’s different.

Jenny Blake 00:35:11  And even to your one month that you took off. I mean, just hearing how much it energized you reminded me of Stefan Sagmeister. He has a TEDx talk explaining how he takes a year off of his business. Every seven years, he shuts down the whole company. There’s no one even remaining behind in his design studio. He’s a graphic designer, but so much more. And he says always the next evolution of his business their best work, their best art installations that he kind of does on the side to the design work, always, always, always comes as a result of the year off. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:43  You talk about lowercase hard work and uppercase hard work. So we were sort of talking about this idea that hard work is a virtue, but you’re making a distinction between uppercase and lowercase. What do you mean by that?

Jenny Blake 00:35:55  This is one of these lines of the book that I sometimes lose a little sleep at night or during the day of. Should I have said that? Is that the right thing? So I’ll be curious to hear your take.

Jenny Blake 00:36:05  My intention when I put this in the book is that uppercase hard work is this grind, and it’s almost like we’re grinding ourselves. We’re murdering ourselves so that we can do the hard work. And it’s almost capital H. Hard work is at the expense of ourselves, but we think it’s the right thing or it’s what we need to do. I need to do this and then it will pay off later. Lowercase hard work is, of course, you’re going to invest time, energy, money, resources into work or projects. That’s what we love actually, secretly, even when a project like a lot of people are intimidated to write a book, but they say they want to write a book someday. One study said as many as 1 in 3 people have dreams of writing a book, and I used to find myself complaining, oh, writing a book is so hard. And I stopped saying that. Like, writing a book is complex, it’s meaty, it’s challenging, but it’s exciting. And so even myself talk to myself.

Jenny Blake 00:37:03  I try to notice when I’m saying, oh, something is so hard and complaining about it versus challenge that I’m choosing, and also being mindful not to work hard just for the sake of working hard. Because while that can sometimes be rewarded if you work within a company when you’re self-employed, there’s no reward. There is no correlation between hard work, mastering yourself for the business, and any promise of success as a result of that. In fact, I think that energetically kind of sends the wrong message. Can you imagine if you were constantly complaining on this show of how hard podcasting is, how hard it is to prepare for your guests, how hard it is to stay listening when they get on these tangents and they’re so boring, and then how hard it is to grow the show, it’s like it kind of sucks the joy out. Yeah. And who would want to listen to that? So it’s either hard work and a really friction sort of way where you maybe should stop doing that altogether. Or it’s lowercase hard.

Jenny Blake 00:37:59  We accept that hard and we find the good.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:01  Yeah, I think there’s a couple of things there. I think there’s sort of knowing what work gives you more energy and you really like and what sort of work wears you down and you don’t like. And then there’s even in that work that we do enjoy, as you were saying, we can get very serious about it, right? Or martyred about it. Like, I come by the martyrdom idea fairly naturally. I will not say from who, but family inheritance that I have to watch for, and recognizing that it was happening this week a little bit. I have a bunch of interviews this week. I’m so excited in person with all these amazing people, and it’s a lot because I’m a diligent preparer. But reminding myself as our producer, Nicole, will do, you did this to yourself first, right? But secondly, reminding myself, like, yeah, this is what I love to do. Yes, it’s going to take a lot of effort, but don’t turn it into a problem when it’s not a problem.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:02  It’s effort. It is hard work. Yeah. So I do like this uppercase lowercase. Because if I remind myself this is the work that you love, how fortunate to be able to come to New York and talk to people and have a podcast that supports you like that is the dream.

Jenny Blake 00:39:18  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:19  You know, I remember being here. I don’t know the number of years. Six maybe. Jenny and I came to New York, and the reason we came was to attend a course Jonathan offered called the Art of Becoming Known. I was still working my full time job, and I had a couple interviews while I was here also, and I remember this moment. We were in a cab driving from one thing to the next, and I don’t know if I said it out loud or I just thought it, but it was like, God, I just wish this was my life. Like I wished this wasn’t going to end at the end of this week, and I was going to go back and and go back to this job, which was actually a pretty good job in a lot of ways.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:53  But it wasn’t my thing. And I keep trying to remember that, that at that time, if you told me I would be here doing this, I would have said yes, please, anything for that. And to remember that helps me move away from uppercase hard work to lowercase. Like, yes, we’re putting in a lot of effort and it’s doing something I love. And how fortunate is that? So reframing things as a choice is always enormously powerful.

Jenny Blake 00:40:20  That reminds me of two things. The saying abundance is the overwhelm you’ve been asking for even this week, this abundance of interviews. Well, this is the dream that you asked for all those years. And then I forget where I heard this. But whenever you say, oh, I have to do a podcast today, or I get that way sometimes about solo episodes because it’s just me, there’s no accountability of another person across from me. And to just shift it to I get to dot, dot, dot and truly it actually works for me, where I’ll be grumpy with my coffee and then I’ll go.

Jenny Blake 00:40:50  I get to record an episode today. That’s a privilege. That’s a treat. Or yeah, I talked about authors. Sometimes they’re like, oh, launching a book is so hard, but it’s like, I get to launch a book. Like, this is the ultimate champagne problem. Oh, I don’t know how to market it. It’s like, well, you created this thing. I just did a solo on the glass, half full or half empty. But you created a glass. I was evaluating the first year of the launch. How did it go for free time. And sometimes I’d find myself getting down because, again, the hedonic treadmill of metrics. Yes. Never enough. How many listeners, how many readers? How many downloads? It’s never enough.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:25  Never.

Jenny Blake 00:41:26  And so I have to remind myself the glass isn’t half full or half empty. I created a glass out of a figment of my imagination. That’s the thing to celebrate. That’s the thing to stay focused on.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:37  Well, and it’s getting to that idea of a heart based business and a missing metric is, yeah, what am I measuring and why? You know, because you’re right.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:46  When we’re looking at external metrics, the scale just keeps changing. You know, if you told me when I started this show that we would have the number of downloads we had, I would have a never believed you. And B jumped for joy for a week. Right. But then you get there and you’re like, well, yeah, that’s good. But you know what? We we kind of need the next level and the next level. So those external metrics, they have a role. And I always have to sort of reorient back towards like, okay, but what about this is important. It’s not just downloads. Right.

Jenny Blake 00:42:17  Like like faceless, nameless listeners. Like you’re a download now.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:22  Yeah. Like, what about this is important, you know? And I go back to why did I start the show? And I was like, well, I wanted to spend more time with Chris, my best friend, who’s the audio guy. I knew it would be good for me, like, good for me to have these conversations.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:36  Those were the two primary reasons. And I look back and I’m like, those have been fulfilled in spades and continue to, you know. And then when it started helping people, it was like, oh my goodness. You know, that’s the extra bonus. And so, yeah, the connections that I’ve made with guests and listeners and there are so many things that if I’m just looking at the main metric of downloads. All that gets washed away. And it’s not enough because you’re not Tim Ferriss or Joe Rogan or name your podcaster. Right. So all this stuff is just a really important reflection. I think for me, it kind of comes down to always coming back to like what really matters here, what’s really important.

Jenny Blake 00:43:18  And that is heart based anything. Yes. Which is that money isn’t the only metric for me. Heart based is I’m not going to sacrifice my values or my integrity for the sake of growing the business or making more money. I, in those cases, will sometimes take the longer route or the scenic route because I don’t want to put money into something I don’t believe in, or just because everyone else is doing it.

Jenny Blake 00:43:43  So there’s a certain ginormous social media site that started as a way to rate women on their looks. I’m not going to give you my ad money. I don’t care if 99 out of 100 companies advertise there or say, that’s the only way to grow XYZ thing, It doesn’t resonate for me. I’m not going to do it. I’m stubborn about that. Yeah, but the other thing about heart paste is, is the permission to follow your heart and follow your intuition. And sometimes people denigrate intuition as, oh, I’m a data person. What is intuition if not a thousand subconscious data points, if not a million that you’ve been collecting your whole life? So there is a place for heart and soul and intuition in the decisions that we make and the ways that we operate. And I just feel so strongly about that. And my creative coach, J. So to your point about metrics, he had us do this great exercise of determining our even more meaningful metrics. So it’s not that we won’t measure the really straightforward stuff like downloads, revenue, whatever, but what’s even more meaningful? So one of his is CPP cackles per piece.

Jenny Blake 00:44:47  How many times does he crack himself up when recording one of his unthinkable episodes? Or one of mine number of friends made through podcasting?

Eric Zimmer 00:44:56  Wow, That’s a great metric.

Jenny Blake 00:44:57  Hold on. Number of new friends because I joke. Podcasting is like the introverts Guide to Making friends. You know. Totally. Yeah. So what if I measured number of new friends made over the last eight years? It’s like, oh, it’s priceless. It’s been priceless. Even if no one’s listening and $0 are earned. Yes, I have hundreds of new friends made.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:17  Right. Yeah. It’s that intrinsic motivation. Like, yeah, these shows, I do them because I love doing them and they’re good for me. And. But I have to remember that because I will turn anything into a job. I’ve talked about this a lot on the show. I will turn anything into something that has to be strived at and conquered and improved. I took up rock climbing. Why did I take it up? A my son does it, and I thought it’d be a great way for us to be able to do something together.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:43  And I wanted something new and interesting and challenging to do with my body. So I’m climbing. It’s great, but within the second time I’m there, I’m like, oh, I’m going to get a rock climbing coach and I’m going to I’m just because that’s the thing. It’s like I’ve just had to consciously with that really work on like, don’t turn this into a job and there is a natural joy in improving, right?

Jenny Blake 00:46:07  That’s probably what made you.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:08  So how do I how do I balance that? So I wanted to come back to something you just mentioned, which is intuition. I find intuition fascinating. And what I find fascinating about it is how do we tell the difference between our intuition and to use a word that you use earlier, my neurosis, because both feel very strong and feel very natural. Right. Just because it feels real doesn’t mean it is. So I’m just curious how you sort those two things out, given that you’ve said you’ve got, you know, 10,000 hours of neuroses.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:44  Yeah. How do you separate that? Which is very natural to you at this point? And what is an actual intuition that’s worth following?

Jenny Blake 00:46:51  And specifically, my neuroses tend to manifest as people pleasing, perfectionism, worry, anxiety. So those are my. That’s what I have a lot of practice in intuition. I love Penny Pierce’s work. She wrote a book called The Intuitive Way, and thanks to the podcast, we did a whole series. She became a great friend. She actually gives a lot of practical ways to grow intuition, because I know you’ve said behavior change is a skill, you can actually build the skill. Same thing with intuition. We all have it. And to answer your question, we can all improve how to discern the difference by growing the skill, paying closer attention, observing things, making a note of what we thought was intuition versus what was just fear or anxiety. Intuition comes to me when I. I tend to get it’s very quiet. It does come to me kind of as a download, whereas anxiety and fear is a little louder, a little more panicky, a little more impulsive.

Jenny Blake 00:47:47  So I try to pay attention and I guess we can’t always know as well. So sometimes I don’t know. I mean, I know, of course, you’ve talked so much about different mindfulness practices and those help, but I won’t even just say, oh, meditation is the answer to everything. I just think it’s learning. How does your intuition speak to you? When has it spoken in the past? And something that I learned from Penny is that, well, couple things. One, when we’re at the level of like red flags, let’s say in relationships, that’s almost intuition in its lowest, loudest form where you get sick, that’s where like you’re not really listening. And so life events have to become increasingly dramatic for you to listen. Over time, it can become more nuanced. And so in our book frequency, Penny talks about finding your home frequency. When are you or what self-care practices lead you to be sort of like calm, peaceful? Have that equanimity. That’s when we can hear the more subtle intuitive clues.

Jenny Blake 00:48:45  And then she says, the highest form of home frequency is self entertainment, where we’re entertained. We’re delighted. We’re curious. Even doing something you love is a form of self entertainment, rock climbing, self entertainment. And when we’re in that playful spirit, we also can get more creative ideas. And I find that I get more creative ideas. The last thing I’ll say here is I’ve just also learned to sit with my discomfort for longer and longer periods of time. Like the last few years, the pandemic have been really tricky in my business because I used to earn a lot of income from keynote speaking, which all but dried up. I keep thinking every year we’re going to turn the corner and then new chaos unfolds. And so just sitting with how uncomfortable it is not to have that income stream, or not to know when the next speaking gig will be booked and just letting it be and not rushing. I call that when the financial tides recede, not just rushing to chase after those receding tides, but what has washed up on the shore.

Jenny Blake 00:49:41  What’s the new insight or opportunity here? If I don’t rush to chase after what was.

Eric Zimmer 00:49:46  It takes courage.

Jenny Blake 00:49:48  Yeah. But that’s a skill too. I don’t have courage. I don’t have some innate, courageous gene. And I never had an innate confidence gene. It’s like I just allow myself to not feel courageous or not feel confident. Or, as we said earlier, to feel awkward. Like all the things that we would make wrong. I just keep taking the small steps. A while ago I had postcards made for my business. They said build first, courage second, which is courage follows action. It’s not the other way around.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:16  Absolutely, yes. I mean, that is such a truism, you know, that if we wait to do certain things to, we’re not afraid of doing them. We will never do them. And there are just some things that are for certain types of people, always going to produce some fear, you know, like, I’m never going to have a difficult conversation with somebody where I have to bring up something that they’re doing that I’m not happy with, that I would like to be different or at least discuss.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:41  Maybe I’m selling myself short, but I think it’s pretty unlikely that I’m ever going to go into one of those without a great deal of trepidation. It’s just there. I just know it’s there. It seems that the more I do it, it gets a little bit easier. I’m not saying it doesn’t get better, but I’m still like, I don’t like doing it. It makes me anxious, it makes me nervous. And if I wait until the right time, I’ll never do it.

Jenny Blake 00:51:05  Yeah. And I feel like something else that we don’t really discuss enough in the realm of career and business are different personality types. Like the more empathic you are or the more sensitive you are. And I find that for me, being a highly sensitive person and empath, I get overwhelmed very easily and just like you, if it’s going to involve a tough conversation, it’s very easy to get overwhelmed. That’s very different than if I’m taking advice from practically like the sociopath CEO next door who just doesn’t care at all.

Jenny Blake 00:51:33  Right? Some people are just built in a way that they’re don’t care. They’re not bothered, and it doesn’t you don’t have to be a sociopath. But that’s giving an extreme example. I cannot compare what I find challenging or overwhelming, I mean, even often, I kind of used to beat myself about networking. Like, I get so overwhelmed at big events or parties, or I don’t want to be on the phone with anyone, let alone, like running around trying to build my network just doesn’t work for me the way that I know other people are so good at it because it energizes them. And I’ve told myself, oh, if you were better at if you had more patience for like connecting with people. But I love being with my dog at the park, just like listening to podcast non-verbal, you know? And so anyway, I think we need to give ourselves some grace to anything in this self-development world, spiritual world. It’s almost like everything is a paradox. So everything has two sides of the coin and also these neuroses or the sensitivities, their superpowers.

Jenny Blake 00:52:27  And they mean that I’m overwhelmed more easily than some next person or someone that wrote a book where it makes it sound so easy.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:33  Yeah, I think that’s so important because if you’re an empathetic person, it’s going to make certain things harder, but it’s going to make other things easier and better. And trying to be somebody we’re not is really problematic. Like I used to think I should be able to just have that conversation and not have it worry me. But that would make me not me. Because part of the reason it’s hard is because I actually do care. And I am compassionate, and I am sensitive to not wanting to make someone else feel bad. But that is also, as you said, sort of a superpower. So I have to I have to balance those things out. We are running out of time, but I want to hit one last thing, which is you’ve actually made an acronym out of something I’ve said to coaching clients for years. A little bit of something is better than a lot of nothing.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:18  And you have a phrase better than nothing, and you actually call it BTN. So talk to me about better than nothing.

Jenny Blake 00:53:25  Yeah, BTN can work both ways as then it can be positive. And I think sometimes it can be negative. Where I originated, this abbrev BTN was actually in relationships where sometimes I was finding myself in bad relationships dating wise, because I would say to myself, well, it’s better than nothing. And I would kind of be settling.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:44  Yeah.

Jenny Blake 00:53:44  I also, at that time we call it like, cookie crumbs from someone who’s just tossing out a few crumbs. And I’m like, oh, thank you for these crumbs. And somehow operating on a paradigm that, well, this is better than nothing. Having known that’s not true. So anyone or anything that’s draining you, that you dread, that is just any manner of making you feel worse after an interaction than better. That’s not better than nothing, right? They’re actually taking your life force. Yes, I’m sure you’ve talked about that many times.

Jenny Blake 00:54:13  However, on the positive side, better than nothing. It’s like, again, if either of us were perfectionists about our podcasts, we wouldn’t have one at all because no episode is perfect. They have to go out every week, no matter their imperfections, no matter the misspeak or the filler words or the awkward nit moments. Sure, some of it gets fixed in editing, but then some of it doesn’t. Some conversations are better than others, and sometimes I feel so bad like, oh no, but if I produce something that’s not the best there is, people stop listening. And the whole cascade of future tripping worry of catastrophizing what’s going to go wrong. But the better than nothing is something is better than nothing. And if you put something out and you do it again, it’s really a thousand tiny iterations over time that are what you see from anybody producing anything. I guarantee that none of us goes home at the end of the day. Don’t let me speak for everyone else. But saying, oh, that was so perfect, right? It’s just that I did it.

Jenny Blake 00:55:07  Yep. And that was rewarding. And it’s imperfect. And actually now with all these ChatGPT and AI and deepfake video, they’re so uncanny and horrible. Like, if you hear a podcast, I don’t really like the shows where it’s clear they’re just reading off of a script. It’s too perfect, right? Right. It takes some of the humanity out. Yep. So secretly, I think even though we are hard on ourselves and we think that, oh, perfect or nothing better than nothing is actually the life giving mantra, done is better than perfect. And in the book, I say it’s like cookie dough is just as good as the baked cookies sometimes. So look for the cookie dough in your life or your business, where unfinished imperfect is sometimes even tastier than the finished product.

Eric Zimmer 00:55:52  Before we wrap up, I want you to think about this. Have you ever ended the day feeling like your choices didn’t quite match the person you wanted to be? Maybe it was autopilot mode or self-doubt that made it harder to stick to your goals.

Eric Zimmer 00:56:07  And that’s exactly why I created The Six Saboteurs of Self-control. It’s a free guide to help you recognize the hidden patterns that hold you back and give you simple, effective strategies to break through them. If you’re ready to take back control and start making lasting changes. Download your copy now at once. Let’s make those shifts happen starting today. When you feed Net book. Well, I think that is a beautiful place for us to wrap up. Thank you so much for coming on. It’s been such a pleasure. And my new friends from podcast metric, it has increased by one today.

Speaker 6 00:56:46  Oh, I love that.

Jenny Blake 00:56:49  Thank you so much, Eric. Yeah. And like any love notes from listeners, it’s like if one person if this helps your day improve, we’ve done our job. So thank you so much for having me. And big thanks to everybody who’s here listening.

Eric Zimmer 00:57:03  Bye, everyone. Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend.

Eric Zimmer 00:57:13  Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity, but we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the One You Feed community.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

Navigating Modern Challenges: Practical Spirituality and the Quest for Joy with Shabnam Mogharabi

November 11, 2025 Leave a Comment

Navigating Modern Challenges: Practical Spirituality and the Quest for Joy
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In this episode, Shabnam Mogharabi discuss navigating modern challenges and explore practical spirituality and the quest for joy. Shabnam shares insights from positive psychology, the importance of community, and strategies for embedding well-being into workplace culture. The conversation highlights embracing imperfection, reframing adversity, and building habits that foster hope and connection, offering listeners actionable tools for personal and collective growth.

Exciting News!!!Coming in March, 2026, my new book, How a Little Becomes a Lot: The Art of Small Changes for a More Meaningful Life is now available for pre-orders!

Key Takeaways:

  • Exploration of spirituality and its practical application in modern life.
  • Discussion of resilience and the importance of community in spiritual growth.
  • The significance of focusing on a few key social issues, such as education, women’s rights, and immigration.
  • The parable of the two wolves and its relevance to parenting and personal development.
  • The relationship between spirituality and religion, including the positive aspects of religious traditions.
  • The role of creativity as a fundamental expression of spirituality.
  • The concept of joy as a resilient state of mind grounded in positive psychology.
  • The critique of traditional workplace wellness programs and the need for cultural integration of positive psychology.
  • The importance of intentional practices, such as community building and “noticing,” in spiritual development.
  • The impact of societal challenges, such as isolation and a crisis of meaning, on individual well-being and community connection.

Shabnam Mogharabi is an entertainment executive, producer, and New York Times bestselling author with 20 years of experience in mission-driven media. She is currently the founder of The Joy Brigade, a boutique film production company and media strategy consultancy. Prior to that, Shabnam was an EVP at film company Participant and also co-founded the uplifting content studio SoulPancake with actor Rainn Wilson, which she ran as CEO for nearly a decade, amassing 1B video views. She and Rainn are still collaborating today on Rainn’s Soul Boom platform, which seeks to unlock a modern spiritual revolution through playful, practical, and profound media. Their new book is Soul Boom Workbook: Spiritual Tools for Modern Living. In her spare time, Shabnam got a certification in positive psychology because she believes joy is transformational.

Connect with Shabnam Mogharabi:  Shabnam’s Website | Instagram | Soulboom 

If you enjoyed this conversation with Shabnam Mogharabi, check out these other episodes:

A Soul Boom Discussion on Mental Health, Spirituality, and Connection with Rainn Wilson

Spiritual Journeys with Rainn Wilson & Reza Aslan

Rainn Wilson (from 2016)

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Episode Transcript:

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:00:00  If we are curious and we are constantly exploring the world and asking questions, not always seeking answers, but really thinking about what are the biggest questions we have to grapple with. That’s actually what opens more doors to enlightenment. And so that’s why education is really important to me, because again, there’s spiritual roots for it from my perspective.

Chris Forbes 00:00:26  Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts. We have quotes like garbage in, garbage out or you are what you think ring true. And yet for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:11  We live in a world that isolates us, floods us with bad news, and erodes our sense of meaning. Shabnam Mogharabi is fighting back with joy. She’s the founder of the Joy Brigade, a storyteller and co-author of the Soul Boom Workbook with Rainn Wilson. In today’s episode, we unpack how. Joy isn’t an emotion, it’s a mindset. She shares how her faith, her family, and years of work in positive psychology have shaped her view of resilience, creativity, and what it really means to feed the good wolf. This one is rich, thoughtful, and grounded in real tools. I’m Eric Zimmer and this is the one you feed. Hi, Shannon. Welcome to the show.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:01:56  Hi, Eric. It’s nice to be here.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:58  I’m excited to have you on. You recently co-wrote a book with Rainn Wilson, who’s been a guest on this show a few times, and it’s called The Soul Boom Workbook Spiritual Tools for Modern Living, and we’re going to get into a lot of that book here shortly.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:13  But we’ll start, like we always do, with the parable. And in the parable, there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two roles inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops. They think about it for a second. They look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:02:51  I love that parable. I’ve actually quoted that parable before, so it’s a powerful one. And I think in my current chapter of life, I have small children. I have a five year old and a two year old. And the first thing that I think of when you say that parable to me is my kids.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:03:07  Because, you know, in parenting it’s very easy to be, we got to go put on your shoes, why are we late, you know, etc. but what you praise and what you encourage and what you notice in your kids is what grows. And so when you say the one you feed is the one that grows, I immediately think of parenting and how hard it is to focus on the good and praise the effort and praise the good qualities in your kids, and to really try to help those be the ones that grow.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:38  Yeah, I think that’s a beautiful example. And I think a lot of people, when they hear this parable, think of their kids. I know a lot of listeners over the years have said, like, I’ve taught this to my child, and it becomes a shorthand we can use with each other. And the other thing that strikes me about that is that in order to do that with your kids, you actually have to know what you’re trying to grow, what you’re trying to cultivate.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:02  Right? So there is a there’s a period or a process of understanding that and being conscious of it so that you actually do realize what you’re feeding.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:04:11  Yes, that’s so true. And I do think that those, even those priorities change over your life. You know, I think sometimes you can. In my 20s, I probably prioritize success and career far more than I do now, where I far more prioritize community and kindness and strength and resilience. Right. So I think that also has made a difference in the chapter I’m in personally in my life and how I focus on certain things with my kids. It’s really interesting. The other thing that it makes me think of is it’s also it’s also kind of rewiring your kids brains in a lot of ways. You know, evolutionarily, we’re so wired to focus on negative and fight or flight or is this a risk. Right. And so I sometimes also think that half of parenting is trying to get my kids to, you know, assume good intentions and start from a place of kindness.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:05:02  And, you know, don’t don’t assume that everyone’s out to get you. Don’t assume that they meant to be mean, that maybe there was something else going on, right? And so rewiring, even the way that your eyes are trained onto things, teaching your kids how to do that so hard. It’s so hard. But it’s also kind of what I think about when you’re thinking about what you feed.

Eric Zimmer 00:05:22  Yeah. My son is at the other end of the spectrum from your children. He is 27, so we’re at a very different place. But I often wish that I had had him in some ways later in life, because I think I had clearer ideas of what was important to me and what I thought was worth modeling and teaching to them than I did when I was 28 years old.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:05:44  That’s so true. And I you know, I didn’t get married till I was 39. And so I do feel like being a late in life mom completely. I think I’m a very different mom in my 40s than than I would have been in my 20s.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:05:55  Very different. Totally agree.

Eric Zimmer 00:05:57  So I want to get in the book in a minute, but I want to hit a couple of other ideas that I’ve heard you, you talk about, and the first one is one that will tie back into the book also. And I saw you do a couple of things. One is you recognize recently you said, I can’t tackle every issue that I care about. I need to focus my energy efforts in time. And so you narrowed your efforts down to education, women’s rights and immigration. And I think all of us are wrestling with this overwhelm of all the suffering that’s in the world now. I think that’s always been there. I think there’s been more suffering in the world than any of us could calculate always. Yeah, but I think we’re getting inundated with it more than ever. And so I love this idea of bringing it down to a few things, and I want to tie that back to a key part of the book, which is that we’re going to do this spiritual work inside of us so that we can then take that beauty and goodness that we’ve hopefully cultivated out into the world.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:01  And I just love you to start there.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:07:04  Yeah, it’s interesting that conversation or that post came about because I was talking to a friend who was saying, I just my list is so long, my list is so long of the issues that I want to support, the donations that I want to give, the volunteer hours I want to give. And I’m just overwhelmed even looking at the list. And I said, and I remember telling her like, well, then cross the cross things off the list, you know, like cross things off the list until you get down to like the 3 to 5 that are the most important to you, that if you don’t spend time on anything but those 3 to 5, that’s what would matter. In the book, actually, we talk about a famous quote that says, listen to your heart break, what breaks your heart the most and kind of triggers your inner activist most passionately, and that that should be what you’re drawn to. So for me, it happened to be those three topics.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:07:53  I’m a child of immigrants. You know, I’m a child of refugees. I’m a I’m a woman. I’m the oldest of four sisters. My mom is one of four sisters. So I’ve always kind of cared a lot about women’s rights, particularly given the background that they grew up with and the culture they escaped. And so I think there’s certain things that I just I’m drawn to and trigger me more passionately. And so that was really important for me. And we tried to do that in the book as well. Right. So one of the things that was really important to us in the book is that the book didn’t just stay internal, and it didn’t just stay as a source of self-reflection. Right? Because so many spirituality books and so many spiritual practices today are about let’s go internal, right? Let’s be mindful, let’s meditate, let’s look internally, let’s self-regulate. All of which is super important. But we wanted to take an extra step and say, okay, now that you did the spiritual work, now that you did the inner reflection, how do you then take that and actually, actually, practically, practically apply it in the world, right.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:08:52  What does it look like to. Have spiritual values inform how I think about immigration? What does it mean to. Have spiritual principles. Inform the actions I take around education. Right. That was a really important kind of overarching framework for us. And it’s also frankly. You know, when I think about the things that it mattered to me, like, I believe that education is the source of all growth, right? If we are curious and we are constantly exploring the world and asking questions, not always seeking answers, but really thinking about what are the biggest questions we have to grapple with. That’s actually what opens more doors to enlightenment. And so that’s why education is really important to me, because again, there’s spiritual roots for it from my perspective. So I think all of this is interconnected. And that was really important for us in the book to not just stay internal.

Eric Zimmer 00:09:37  I think what’s interesting about that is in the book you do try to Reopen the idea of religion to people. So to not only see all the bad about it, but to be able to see if it could work.

Eric Zimmer 00:09:52  So you’re not saying it has to work for you, but if it could and open that up. And I think that’s one of the things that’s happened, is spiritual practices have decoupled from the tradition they came up in. A lot of what gets lost. Is that ethical element, right. Because a religion has practices, it has a community, but it has beliefs. It has beliefs, it has ethics embedded in it, it has morals in it. And so what we’ve done, and I think it’s largely to the good, although people debate this forever, is pull a lot of the practices out of the tradition they came up in. But then they’re unmoored to any of these ethical concerns. And I think what you’re doing is really trying to tie that back together, whether it’s through an organized religion or whether it’s being really clear for yourself about what matters in the world. What do you believe in?

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:10:49  Brain and I are always saying that we, through all the kind of spiritual wisdom out with the religious bathwater, right? So we all said for very good reason.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:10:57  We all said religion kind of sucks and is bad and is responsible for a lot of bad things and a big swath, especially in America, more than, you know, 35% of people now call themselves spiritual, not religious. Right? I’m real good with spirituality and the idea that there’s something bigger out there, but I’m really not okay with the religious doctrine that comes with religion. And what we try to do is say, let’s say yes, truth. We accept religion has been responsible for a lot of bad things. That being said, let’s train our eyes onto what was good about religion, which is that it did offer a moral framework. It does offer community and belonging a support network for when you know things go badly in your life, you know so many people, someone passes away and the church comes together. There’s potlucks. People are at your door. Right, because that church community shows up for you. So there’s a lot of good things that come with religion. So our our message in the book is not go back to religion.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:11:51  Our message is train your eyes to think about what’s good about religion and then figure out for yourself what does a moral framework look like for you? What does community look like for you? If you were going to invent a new religion with its own kind of practices and rituals, what would that look like? So to think about the good things of religion and how you to shape that and bring that into your own life? Because we really did say religion bad, and we threw out all of the good things that came with religion along with the bad.

Eric Zimmer 00:12:19  Yeah. And I think there’s plenty of, as you say, good reasons for that. And they are systems that endured for a long period of time because there was some degree of coherency in them. There’s also control, there’s power, there’s all sorts of stuff, but there’s also some degree of coherency. And an example I can give is I am a recovering addict alcoholic, and I was in 12 step programs for a long time, and then I sort of hit a period where that just didn’t feel like the right place for me, but I was worried because I was like, well, if I just walk away from that, like, what all am I losing? What all am I missing? And so I sort of reverse engineered, like, what am I getting? Oh, I’m getting community.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:02  I’m getting a program of transformation. I’m getting an opportunity to be of service. Right? I’m getting all these things. Can I piece those together? Yeah. But it’s harder, honestly, than just going to one place and getting it all right there. Right. So I’m an example of.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:13:19  You don’t join a bowling league and then like, be.

Speaker 4 00:13:21  Like, check, check, check. I got all of these other things.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:23  Yeah, exactly. And the book is really good at walking through that. And the other thing I love about the book is it’s a workbook. And I think that in today’s day and age, we all have not everyone, but by and large, we have all the information we need. What we don’t know how to do is bridge that sort of knowledge to action or knowledge to embodiment gap. And that’s what this book is really focused on, is first figuring out what’s important to us and then how do we live that?

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:13:51  Yeah, both Raine and I are obsessed with and have done multiple times.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:13:54  The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, which is a, you know, a seminal book for artists and creatives to really explore their creative voice. And so we wanted to create something that was the Artist’s Way for the soul, the Artist’s Way for spirituality. How do you create an experience, a set of activities and exploration of our spiritual lives in a way that gets people engaged with it? Because you’re right, all the information is out there. I can go to ChatGPT right now and say, give me all of the ancient spiritual wisdom about X topic, and it’ll spit out a diatribe for me, and I can tell it to write a 10,000 word paper and it will do it. But what it doesn’t do is bridge that divide. And the thing is, you know, oftentimes I think when we are told, oh, practice kindness. We get these, mantras of, oh, love your neighbor like you love yourself. Well, what does that mean? And how does that actually show up in our lives? Right.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:14:48  What are the actions we can take or practices we can do or even explore that idea? Does that make us feel a certain way? Does that make us not want to do it? Does that make us say no, wait. You know, I want to prioritize my family versus my neighbors, right? So how do how do these these lessons, these ideas land with you? But then also, what does it actually mean to practice that in the world? And so we didn’t we didn’t want to stay in the theoretical. We really wanted to stay in the practical. This is very much so practical guide to spirituality.

Eric Zimmer 00:15:18  So the artist way is a great example. I love that An Artist’s Way for the soul and in the artist way, there are some core practices that she recommends. The two most famous ones are morning pages and the other are artist dates, which you in a LinkedIn post mentioned you were taking artist dates back up.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:15:37  I know it had been a while and I was like, I need to do these artist dates a little bit more.

Eric Zimmer 00:15:41  Has it been going.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:15:42  Hard with a two year old? yes. Of course. Yeah, yeah. I mean, they’re not as long as I would like them to be. It used to be that I could do, like, a two hour artist date and go to a museum or like a paper shop or whatever. And now it’s like, okay, if I get 30 minutes, that’s gonna be great.

Eric Zimmer 00:15:57  Yeah, yeah. So to tie this back, to make this analogy between The Artist’s Way and this workbook, what are a couple of the core things that would make up the Soul Boom workbook equivalent of an artist date or a morning pages?

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:16:13  That’s a really good question. One thing that we come back to over and over again in the book is that ideally, you’re not doing these activities on your own. Over and over again, we say that spiritual work is not meant to be sole singular work where it’s individual and isolated, right? Soul work. Spiritual work is not isolated work. It is communal work and it works better.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:16:36  Your soul thrives better when it’s in community. So we encourage people to do the book alone, but to also do it with others. To start a spirituality book club or a soul boom work club where they can actually do these ideas with others. So one of the core practices is, you know, community building. Do this work together, explore these ideas together. The second thing that I think is a critical element, or at least what we come back to over and over again in the book, is one of the core ideas that we kind of go through. The book recognizing is the idea of noticing. We talk about it very specifically in the last section of the book. But all throughout the book, we basically ask everyone to have a practice of noticing, noticing their own internal emotions, noticing what things calm them down, noticing what elements of their life they’re grateful for. There’s a practice of noticing what’s going on externally, what’s going on internally. That doesn’t happen, right? We are so externally focused.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:17:35  We’re bombarded with information and thousands of videos on YouTube and, you know, Netflix shows and TikTok videos. So we’re we’re so distracted. Our attention spans are declining. We’re not good at noticing anymore and we’re not good at paying attention. And so I think attention and noticing is a through line of the book that over and over again, we’re asking the reader to pause and notice. Notice what’s happening in their community. Notice what needs there are in the people around them and the neighborhoods around them. Notice how certain things make them feel. Notice how certain things improve or decrease their mode. Notice what adds you know, gratitude to their life and what does it right. So really being intentional about the attention that we’re paying and the noticing that is happening in our lives. So I would say those two things are consistently throughout the book as core practices.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:46  There is one other also that I liked, which was the you call it a spiritual workout plan, but a structured 30 to 45 minute daily routine divided into three phases.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:58  Can you talk us through that?

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:18:59  Yeah. One of the other practices that we have is called the spiritual workout regime. And essentially we say, well, we we have workout regimes for our bodies, right? Like, we all have our, our our warm up, you know, intense workout cooldown methodology, whether you’re a runner or you’re a weightlifter or, you know, you do crazy high intensity stuff, whatever it is. But we don’t really do that for our souls. And so what we did is we kind of created a framework where we said, okay, what would your warm up period for your soul look like? Would that be? You know, spending five minutes in nature listening to music, would that be saying a prayer? What would warm up your soul in the morning, and then what would the intense kind of work out of your soul look like? Would that be journaling? Would that be talking to someone? Would that be reading religious script? You know, what is the exercise that is the intense soul workout and then the cooldown period, right.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:19:51  Is the cooldown period. You know, again, texting someone, is it connecting with someone? Is it saying a prayer? Is it music? Is it lights? Is it lighting a candle? What is the way that you cool down kind of that intense soul workout? And to really make that a 30 to 40 minute practice every single day? Right. If we work out our bodies every day, but we don’t work out our souls every day. And so what is the what is the 30 to 40 minute practice that we can get into a habit of doing? That really takes us through that arc of like, I’m going to slowly ease my soul into being awake today. I’m going to really intensely work it out, and then I’m going to cool down so that my soul is regulated. My soul has really gotten its reps in before, before the day starts.

Eric Zimmer 00:20:30  Speaking of practice is a very common spiritual practice. Is meditation from one angle? For another, it’s prayer. And you talk about there’s a contemporary American divide that’s not just political, but there’s one in which there are people who have a prayer practice and they believe in strongly, but they have no meditation practice, no contemplative part of that.

Eric Zimmer 00:20:55  And then you have people who have contemplative practices, meditation, but won’t go near a prayer. Talk to me about that divide and how each side could perhaps see some of the benefit of the other.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:21:09  Yeah, I see this all the time. We have so many friends who are devout prayers. You know, I believe in God. I feel like I’m speaking to God and I’m I’m communing with the divine. And then they’re like, but meditation, I don’t know that stillness that that feels a little too, you know, Kumbaya for me. I don’t get it. I don’t I don’t understand. And then the other camp, which tends to be kind of younger, more spiritually curious, and not necessarily as religious people often tend to be like, I have such a strong meditation practice. I spend a lot of time in internal presence and focusing on my internal state of calm. But then prayer like, who am I talking? Who am I talking to? Like, who is this thing out there that I’m talking to? And people really have a hard time with the other camp.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:21:51  If they have a really strong practice in one or the other, it’s like the other camp does not make sense to them. There’s a famous quote that says prayer is talking to God or talking to the universe, and meditation is listening. And you can’t have any conversation, right? You can’t talk to anyone where it’s just one of you talking and the other one listening, or one of you listening, the other. Right? Like a conversation, a true dialogue has moments where both of you are speaking and both of you are listening. And that’s what we’re trying to say in the book. Is that the best balanced practice is where you can speak to the universe, speak to the divine, but you can also listen to it and see what it’s trying to communicate to you. It doesn’t mean that it’s easy. You know, rain has a lot easier time meditating than praying, and I have a lot easier time praying than meditating. And it’s not that one is easier than the other. Sometimes you’re more drawn to one than the other, or one comes more naturally to you than the other.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:22:48  But I do think the practice of both creates a dialogue.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:51  I think that personally, I’m not a believer in a being that is hearing what I’m saying and responding. And yet I also find that praying is a way of me saying what matters and a way of me setting an intention and a way of me recognizing that all the power that there is isn’t contained in here. There is power out there. I don’t quite know how to frame it. I don’t know what to call it, but just that recognition of that works for me. And again, everybody’s different. I know you like rain or from the Baha’i Faith, so you have a different belief structure than I do. But that’s how I’ve reconciled. Prayer for myself is, you know, the setting of intention and the the recognition that there’s power out there.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:23:38  We talk about. I think it’s Anne Lamott who has kind of a framework for prayers and says that all prayers fall into three categories, right? There are the help, the thanks, and the wow, right.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:23:47  These are the three categories of prayers that almost everyone you know gets drawn to it sometime. Whether you believe in a God or you just believe in, there’s energy out there that’s at some point you kind of look to the sky and say, oh my God, I need help with something, or oh my God, I’m so grateful for XYZ or wow, this is amazing. And I’m moved by the beauty of it, that those three impulses to kind of look external is a very human impulse. Whether or not we have language for the thing that we’re expressing it to too, and language is important. I think we do spend some time in the book asking people to like label things, right? Like, okay, if God is not, if God is not like, you know, Santa Claus on a cloud being like you’re naughty or nice, right? Like, then what is it? Right? And how do we put language around this thing and actually reign and I are developing and raising money right now.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:24:38  Next year we’re we’re hoping to get this off the ground. Fingers crossed it’s moving forward. But we have a documentary that we’re doing that rain will be in and be the face of called The Notorious God. And it’s about God in the world and God in America because, you know, we it’s on our money. It’s in the Pledge of Allegiance, it’s in our schools and our governments. And yet what God are we talking about and what what is the language we’re using around this God in the modern world? Is it is it an AI singularity that we’re all just kind of plugged into the matrix? Is it science and just our brains wanting something bigger, or is there something grander out there? And it’s rain really going on? Kind of a somewhat comedic, but also a spiritual journey to figure out what is the language around this thing that is everywhere. And yet we don’t really know how to talk about it. Language is really important, right? Like you, you are drawn to something out there.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:25:29  You just don’t know what to call it because God feels weird to you. And so we’re like, that’s okay. Like the idea that we humans are drawn to something bigger is the idea that we want people to think about and put language for themselves around.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:44  Before we dive back into the conversation, let me ask you something. What’s one thing that has been holding you back lately? You know that it’s there. You’ve tried to push past it, but somehow it keeps getting in the way. You’re not alone in this, and I’ve identified six major saboteurs of self-control. Things like autopilot behavior, self-doubt, emotional escapism that quietly derail our best intentions. But here’s the good news you can outsmart them. and I’ve put together a free guide to help you spot these hidden obstacles and give you simple, actionable strategies that you can use to regain control. Download the free guide. Now at one you feet net and take the first step towards getting back on track. The book does a really nice job also of not just giving you a writing prompt and leaving you alone, which is is valuable, but I think when asked like define spirituality, a lot of us are just going to not know what to say.

Eric Zimmer 00:26:48  And the book really has lots of examples of different types from different faiths. You get to choose like, oh, that one’s kind of close. I resonate with that. I don’t resonate with that. I think it makes it easier than just being given a writing prompt and being left alone with it.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:27:05  It’s funny because I consider myself a writer. I like to write. I studied journalism like this is my background, I like to write, and I like to tell stories. And Rayne likes to write. Write. He’s written multiple books. Rayne likes to write. But when we started putting the book together, well, that the very early days, we realized a lot of the prompts were writing prompts and we had this kind of moment of, oh wait, not everyone likes to write. And people like choices people. People like BuzzFeed listicles, right? Where you can kind of look and say, like, I feel like this more or that more. Some people prefer to draw. Some people prefer to listen to music.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:27:38  Right? Like, what are the ways that we can engage people’s preferred methods of expression and learning into the book? And so we actually went through and did a whole class where we cut half the writing prompts and tried to turn them into actual activities because of that reason, because sometimes you’re like, sometimes a blank page is daunting and you don’t know where to start, and you just need a little bit of more help or prompting or hand-holding to think about things. So I think we were we were trying to hit like all the nuances of the ways people learn and express. So I’m glad to hear that it worked and it resonated.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:12  It did. It definitely did. There’s a great story in the book that you tell about being in college, I believe, and visiting a mosque and how you reacted to it then and then sort of you reacting to it now. Would you share that story with us?

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:28:33  Sure. you know, I was I was 20, 21 and kind of a self-righteous college students I know best.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:28:42  and I was part of the interfaith council at my school at USC, and I really enjoyed the Interfaith Council. It was like this great community of people talking about God in a place where most people don’t talk about God, which was nice. And one of the things that we did is we actually went to different houses of worship and visited them. And so, you know, we had gone to a Catholic church, we had gone to a Protestant church, we’d gone to a Buddhist temple, and then we went to a mosque. And when we went to the mosque. I remember we walked in and they separated the men and women. Right. The men were taken to the front, to this really beautiful room with a chandelier and lots of light and beautiful carpets. And the women were taken to this back room that was not as beautifully decorated, and we were told to cover our heads with wrappings that were very strongly perfumed, like smelled. They kind of reminded me of my grandmother’s, like, face cream.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:29:30  Like it was like a really strong. And so I’m sitting in the back of this mosque and they start doing the prayers, and my brain could not focus on the prayers because all I kept thinking is like, how come we women are relegated back here like we’re in? You know, I joked that we were in the nosebleed section of the mosque and I’m wearing this like, you know, super perfumed wrap. And this feels kind of insulting that we’re here visiting and trying to learn, and I’m being put in the back. And I was the I was the president of the Interfaith Council. And I was like, you know, my righteous like, oh, well, this, this, this is so offensive.

Speaker 5 00:30:03  This is so offensive.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:30:04  Well, anyways, like in a blink, the prayers ended, right? And I was like, oh well, I didn’t pay. I didn’t really pay attention to the prayers. And we go out into the courtyard, which is really beautiful. It’s got a fountain and stained glass windows and and everyone, everyone around me is like, that was amazing.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:30:18  That was so beautiful. And I was about to, like, kind of like vent about air. What was that seat. Right. And and then I’m like, oh, wait, they.

Speaker 5 00:30:28  All seem to think that was really beautiful. Did I miss it? Did I miss what happened?

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:30:32  And yeah, I wasn’t paying attention. Right. This goes back to the idea of like noticing and paying attention. The thing my eyes were trained to focus on were were the kind of unhealthy comparative like, oh, I’m being this is insulting, right? So fast forward, actually, a few years ago, I was on another interfaith group and we did another kind of tour of buildings, and we go to this mosque. And the executive director of the interfaith group, you know, belonged to. And I brought my own scarf from my own scarf at that time. So there was not like strong perfumes. And even though, again, the men and women were separated, I really said, you know what? I’m just really just focused on the beauty of the prayers.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:31:09  Like, this is your joining this community and their prayerful moment. And that was all I focused on was just the sound of the chance. And it was beautiful. And I was I was just it really was a beautiful experience. The reason I told that story is because I think sometimes we get so caught up in the boxes and the, oh, this is what it should be, this is what it shouldn’t be. And I got offended by that, right? Like, we get so caught up in those unimportant things that we miss the beauty that’s right in front of us. So that was kind of why I told the story, but also like to illustrate that our perspectives also changed right when I was 20 and an idiot. Right. Like that was that was my take on the mosque experience. And fast forward 15 years later and I could really, truly appreciate the beauty of it. And I and I also think that wisdom, unfortunately, is wasted on the older, more experienced people. And it’s unfortunate that we skip it in our 20s and it takes time to develop.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:24  I love that story too, because I think it is a very common thing, and I’ve done this to myself multiple times throughout my life where I want a spiritual community. So I find the one and I go to it, and all I really see is the ways it doesn’t align with me. It’s a little bit like, you know, as an addict, the first time I was at meetings, right? All I wanted to do was be like, I’m not like that. I’m not like that. I’m not like. Like, I just wanted to more or less disconnect myself right out the door. And I’ve noticed that in spiritual communities, too. Oh, and that that ability to try and in both focus on what is good and also to learn to have a certain fluency with translating ideas like, okay, they’re doing this thing and they’re saying that what? What does that mean to me? Yeah. Like, how can I find a way that that does mean something to me? How might I change it a little bit so it matters to me, or how might I reinterpret it? And that flexibility, I think if I had known how to do that better when I was younger, I think I would have had more spiritual community throughout my life.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:33:34  Yeah, yeah, that’s a really good point because I it is it is about fluency. And again, it comes back to language. You know, we we put everything into the boxes that we understand and our brains like to use language around. But it doesn’t mean that that’s how everyone else speaks. And then trying to understand the way that ideas are being communicated from someone else takes a lot of time and effort. It’s really hard. It’s really hard. And so I did tell that story because I was like, I recognized that I was an idiot at 20 and wasn’t able to, like, speak that language in the way that I can now.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:08  Yeah, and at the same time, the fact that women are separated from men might be something for you that’s like, that doesn’t work for me. So this is not like you just have to accept every the way every tradition does things. I think we all have to find our own balance.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:34:22  But I don’t have to train my eyes to it. I don’t have to train my eyes to only focus on that one thing that doesn’t resonate with me, right?

Eric Zimmer 00:34:30  And again, people are different.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:31  My bent is I need to work harder on finding what I do agree with. That’s just the way I am. I will talk myself out of nearly any group. So I loved that story because I think it shows the very real thing that happens to all of us.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:34:47  Thank you. Thanks.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:48  There’s a section in the book that’s really about creativity. And you guys say that we believe creativity is a primal force on the planet every time you hear drums in a crashing wave, or you stop to admire the way vines curl around your fence like they know exactly what they’re doing. You’re engaging with something ancient and you say it’s soul boom. We believe that the universe never actually stopped making things. It just started using humans as the vehicle for creation. Talk to me about why creativity is so essential to the view that you have of spirituality.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:35:24  Yeah, I really love that entire section of the book. It’s one of my favorites because it explores beauty and nature and art, music, painting, dancing, play.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:35:36  It really explores a lot of what is human expression right at its core. You know, when you think about creation, whether you have a biblical view of it, that God created the universe or you have a more secular, scientific view of it, there was a big bang and something magical came out of that. There was there was some action. There was some moment there was something that sparked and things existed that didn’t exist before. Right. And that’s that’s creativity, right? That is, you know, developing and building something into fruition. And so if the whole world, if the whole universe, if the whole galaxies started with this act of creation, then how are we how are we able to move through the world without connecting into that creative force? And so it was really important to us to dig into that, because again, you know, while this is a book about spirituality and our souls and finding expressions for that, the vast majority of the ways that we express ourselves as human beings is not through spirituality.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:36:35  The vast majority of ways we express ourselves is through poetry and art and music and dance and movement. And so we thought it would be really remiss of us to not talk about that aspect of human expression and how it does actually reflect kind of a primal, creative, spiritual force and An existence. So the book has a lot of like. That section in particular encourages you to get out into nature and feel the sense of beauty and awe and wonder that comes with that. It encourages kind of thinking about music and the role that music has played in your life. It encourages thinking about art and art that has profoundly moved you, and then it encourages you to also express, right, whether that’s through writing or drawing and personally expressing creative impulses. And I think that’s really important, because that playfulness is such an important part of what keeps our souls bright and light. And we oftentimes don’t consider it a spiritual practice. But I feel like if you’ve ever listened to a song and your entire being has come alive listening to that song, you know that music, right? Music has a spiritual, you know, impact, even if you’ve never called it that.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:37:46  And so I think exploring that, it’s like one of my favorite parts of the book.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:50  Yeah, I completely agree. I did a talk, I don’t know, it’s been a couple of years ago about creativity in the spiritual life because to me they seem, you know, like you, I look around the world and I’m like, it just seems like that nature just makes things in abundance all the time. I mean, the number of different species and it’s just mind boggling. And you, you look at them and you’re like, who came up with that idea? Like, they look crazy. And as you were just talking, I was thinking about watching a nature channel, just the other day, and I was just on silent. I was just kind of watching it. And I remember looking at some of those and I think, like, if I produced something that looked like, say, my art was like a hippopotamus, right? You might look at it and be like, that’s a ridiculous looking thing.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:36  But they’re there. They work. Like you said, that spirit of play gets lost and we get caught up in the making something that is good, which is the biggest barrier. I think it’s partially why, you know, going back to The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron is just encouraging you like, just right. Don’t stop, don’t pause, don’t think. Just let it flow out. Because when we’re trying to control too much, that pretty much blocks the creative, the creative energy at least it does for me.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:39:08  No, I agree actually. IRA Glass has this beautiful thing that he said that people have turned into an amazing video where he says, you know, people who get into or pursue creative works oftentimes do it because they have a certain taste, right? They’ve got a certain taste level, and they’re like, I have a great taste when it comes to music, movies, writing, poetry, art, whatever it is, I’ve great taste. Then they start to make stuff and their stuff is here, but their taste is here and they’re like, why? Why isn’t what I’m making at the level that I know my taste is? And so they don’t actually put it out there.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:39:40  And his whole, you know, premise is you’ve got to keep putting it out there because it’s only when you put it out and then get better and better and better, then you start to like align your taste level with the quality of the work you’re doing. Julia Cameron does the same thing in the In the Artist’s Way. And our whole point in the book is that just express, because it doesn’t matter if it’s good or not. It is the it is the divine. It is the spirit working through you when you play and create. It is a primal instinct as human beings to do that. And so you’re tapping into something that is really powerful. Good or not, doesn’t matter. It’s about tapping into this force that we think kind of runs through everything and especially nature.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:20  Yeah, I just heard this. Fascinating. I don’t know if you know, the podcast Song Exploder, it basically takes a song and it has the artist come on, and they talk about the making of that song and the challenges that were in it, and they dissect the different tracks.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:34  Well, I listened to one recently for the song Take on Me by You know, everybody knows that song. It’s sold a billion copies and they played the very first version of it and it was Sizable. I mean, you could sort of hear parts of the melody, just parts of it. hum. But then all these years later, you have this thing. And I also didn’t know this. They launched it twice in Britain and it flopped completely. So they just kept taking this thing because they were like, there’s something here. And they just kept working on it. And I just found it a really inspiring story. And to kind of the point you’re making about that taste gap.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:41:16  Yeah, the taste gap and the that’s what that’s what he calls it. Actually IRA Glass calls it the gap. And I think it’s such a powerful thing to think about. You know, because I ran the company Soul Pancake that ran and I found it together where we created daily video content. And I had so many creators and creatives and young kids who would come and be like, well, how do I make stuff that is as good as this? You know, how do I.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:41:34  And I’m like, well, just just start making, like just start making and then put it out there and make it better and put it out there and make it again and put it out. Right. Like just start because I think sometimes our own barriers, like, is it going to be good enough for people going to like it, You know, like, gets in our way of just doing it and. Yeah. I was constantly telling these young kids. Like, just start. Just start. Just put it out there. Just keep. Just get going. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:58  I don’t know where I’ve come across this, but I’ve come across it multiple times where if a professor encourages quantity, like you need to take 300 pictures this quarter versus I want you to take three great pictures this quarter. The 300 group always outperforms the three. It just time and time again just the reps of doing it, the quantity of doing it. And I think some of that is you have to let go. Yeah I fully believe 103.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:42:32  I don’t know what study that is, but I 100% believe.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:35  I’ve experienced it in, in, in the own people that you’ve managed.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:42:38  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:39  I’d like to pivot now a little bit to some of the work that you do outside of Soul Pancake. And you’ve got a consulting practice called the Joy Brigade. And I’d love to talk about what joy means to you. Why are you orienting around that as an important pillar of your work?

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:42:58  Yeah. So my company is called the Joy Brigade. And through it I do two things. One is consulting primarily around cultures in the workplace and storytelling. And the second is, frankly, to do production services through the company as well. And my mission in life is, I believe, my purpose. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what is my professional purpose in life, and I think it is to spread hope through storytelling. I think we we have more dystopian stories that we can deal with. We love zombie apocalypses, but I just that’s not what I’m drawn to, nor do I think that’s what the world needs more of.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:43:32  I think we need more stories that give us hope. And so that’s what I try to do through the production work that I do, and then through the consulting work that I do, I really focus on cultures and storytelling within organizations and that I orient around joy. And when I talk about joy, I am specifically talking about the tools of positive psychology. So I got a certification from in Positive Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. They have a whole framework around kind of positive psychological thinking. And, you know, most people, you know, when they think about psychology, it’s really about what’s wrong with us, right? Like what’s, you know, we go to therapy and we’re like, what’s wrong with me? But Martin Seligman, who’s considered the father of positive psychology and others in this space, you know, came about and said, hey, well, there’s actually a lot of people who respond very differently when they’re faced with challenges or suffering in their lives, and they respond very differently. And so this field really thinks about how do our brains work and what’s the psychological response.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:44:26  And frankly, the practices that help us have a better psychological response to things. It really hits on a lot of factors, right? It’s, you know, how do you create a service mindset? It’s resiliency in developing the tools of resiliency, changing our inner our inner voices, Of reframing them around gratitude. Thinking about being in nature and building community and a sense of belonging. So there’s a lot of qualities that help us psychologically navigate the challenges of the world. And so when I apply those principles in the workplace, it’s about how do we change our cultures, how do we change kind of the practices in our cultures at work to orient around these pillars of positive psychology? If you look at kind of workplace wellbeing, I’m getting very kind of granular with you. But if you look at workplace wellbeing for the last 70 or 80 years, it’s changed a lot. It used to be like, it’s all about like, you know, in the 80s it was smoking prevention and and stress management. And, you know, how do we get our people to live longer and reduce the cost of insurance for us as companies? Right.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:45:31  Then we moved into the 2000 and it was more, okay, let’s let’s think about, you know, holistic well-being and mental and emotional. And that was great. But I think today a lot of the benefits right in the workplace that we think about that, that we think improve culture is, you know, unlimited paid time off or hybrid work environments where remote workers can work or mental health days now that they give employees. And if you look at all the studies, Oxford has done studies on this, as has Stanford, and all the studies say doesn’t affect employee happiness or engagement at all. Like, there’s almost no effect on employee happiness and engagement with those kinds of benefits. So what I kind of propose and what I kind of go in saying, how can we restructure cultures is really thinking about how can you, how can you create something that is modeled from leadership because employees need permission from executives to do certain behaviors and habits. So how do you model something from leadership? How do you prioritize community and belonging? So how do you encourage people to share what’s going on in their personal lives and creating structure around that? Right.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:46:35  Like every, every Monday meeting where you have your check in the first ten minutes is dedicated to. How is everyone’s weekend? What is that? What’s on everyone’s minds like really bringing kind of our whole selves to the workplace? How do you create meetings? That there’s movement, there’s natural breaks taken into it. Can you go outside and have those meetings? And what are the things that can bring in some of these principles of positive psychology into the ways the processes that we have in our workplace? Because because it’s so wild, how disconnected kind of workplace wellbeing has come from, from actually improving employee happiness and engagement, like we have the lowest levels of engagement in workplaces by employees in history. I think we’re losing $9 trillion globally in GDP to low levels of engagement in the workplace by employees. And one, just one point increase in employee happiness translates to an increase in almost $100 million in profits at large companies. There’s a direct correlation with employee happiness and engagement to profitability and revenue. And yet we don’t think about that when we’re building our cultures, we’re like, oh, unlimited PTO and hybrid work.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:47:39  Like, isn’t that what people want? Great. They should be happy. But that’s not actually what brings us happiness. And so taking the tools of positive psychology and implementing them, weaving them into daily practices and, and and processes at the workplace is what I help kind of shape in that work. So that’s how I think about joy and the implications in the workplace.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:58  How is what you recommend now different than the holistic wellbeing practices that you described in the, you know, 2000 or 20 tens? What’s the shift in idea there?

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:48:11  Yeah, the shift is that it was very individually focused back in the early 2000. In the back in the early 2000, it was we’re going to give you access to wellness app or we’re going to give you access gym memberships, or we’re going to give you, you know, access to a mental wellness line or a therapy line that you can call. So you as an individual have access to all of this holistic health. And what I’m saying is, well, it can’t be about individuals in their own individual lives.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:48:38  What you have to think about is in your processes and in your workplace. Do you integrate these principles into how your meetings take place, how you’re hiring, how your process is unfold? What are the decisions you’re making? And then is that being modeled from leadership all the way down? Right. It can’t it can’t just be like, okay, you employee, go invest in your wellbeing by going to your gym once a week and we’re going to give you that gym membership. Because if they don’t see that the the CEO is also like going to the gym or taking walks during meetings, you know, to invest in their physical well-being, it’s not giving permission to the employees to do that. And so it’s it’s a shift to AA. It can’t just be an individual focus on holistic well-being. It has to be at the company. This is a priority, and we’re integrating it into our processes, in our and our meetings of structures. And and it’s being modeled by leadership. There was a case study done at Wharton with a fortune 100 company where literally all they did was they implemented like walking meetings, five minute breaks so that people could run to the restroom or whatever, water cooler conversations being more encouraged, you know, in the workplace.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:49:48  And the only requirement was that the C-suite did it first. And it literally every employee started implementing five minute breaks and taking walking meetings and doing water cooler breaks. The minute that they had permission from the C-suite, they all started doing it, and happiness increased and productivity increased. People felt less stressed at work and more willing to take on challenges.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:09  Walking meetings cannot be overestimated and how wonderful they are. Truly, if I could do these interviews walking, I would.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:50:17  Seriously siren too many sirens around you for the audio quality.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:21  Yeah, but 100% it’s more enjoyable, I think. Better. I mean, there’s just I love the process of walking and talking to someone.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:50:28  And so many people are afraid to do it. So many people are afraid to do wacky meetings because they think that it sends a message that they’re not at their desk, focused intensely on the other person, or that they’re somehow distracted. And so I have literally had people ask the question of like, well, how do I make it not seem like I’m distracted or not focused? It’s like, just put the disclaimer at the beginning, say, hey, I am 100% focused on this conversation.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:50:51  I’m doing this meeting while walking because I think better and can focus better, you know, while we’re doing it. And if you just set that at that at the top, like almost everyone is okay with it.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:02  Yeah, almost all the coaching work that I do, particularly with business clients, some of it I want to be in front of the screen because there’s something there’s a particular thing to teach or there’s a graphic to show, but I do a lot of it walking for exactly that reason. I feel like I’m way more creative in problem solving and actually way more focused on the person somehow by walking, than I am sort of just sitting in place.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:51:24  Yeah, because you don’t have 75 tabs open on your screen and alerts popping up on your phone. The only thing that you can think about is the voice that you’re talking to.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:35  I want to go back to Joy for a second, because listeners of the show will have heard me say this a few times. That joy is a word that is being used a lot these days.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:45  You talk about joy as a state of mind, not an emotion. And so when I hear joy, though, I hear this like really exalted state, like the like the way that joy to the world, the song feels like it’s way up. Joy. Yeah.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:52:04  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:05  I equate it as an extreme sense of, like, way happy, super happy. And so the word doesn’t work for me because that’s not where I spend most of my time. And I hear people talking about joy all the time. And I’m like, am I an emotional cripple? Like, I don’t feel that. Is everybody walking around feeling that? So talk to me about joy for the years in the group.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:52:27  So I’m an er. I am a natural Eeyore, and I have spent 20 years, 20 years really working on myself to counteract that negative impulse and like that, that negative bias in our brains that is very natural and it is evolutionarily kept us safe. So I have accepted it as like, this is it’s okay.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:52:49  But the type of joy I’m talking about is, you know, I do often say it’s not an emotion, right? Because emotion is fleeting, right? You can feel happy, you know, one second and then it goes away. You feel angry and then it goes away. Right. I’m always saying this to my kids, right? Like, oh, I know we feel angry right now, but we don’t have to do anything about it. Sometimes you just need to feel angry and then it goes, bye bye. Right. Like that’s a two year old explanation. but but emotions come and go. I think the type of joy I’m talking about is how do you create a sense of resiliency in your brain? How do you put habits in your life that allow you to have a positive psychological Response no matter what situation you’re faced with. So that’s the kind of joy I’m talking about. And the reason that I think it’s wildly powerful is because I think we’re facing some wildly massive, huge sociological and psychological challenges right now as a society.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:53:44  I describe it as three things. I talk about this all the time because I very firmly believe this. You know, the first the first big thing we’re facing is that we nobody trusts each other anymore, and the entire world is actively working to isolate us, the entire world. So, you know, our trust levels. Pew research looks at trust levels like just an ordinary American, like our other people worthy of being trusted. And it’s dropped drastically from the 1970s, where it was almost 80% of people believed most people could be trusted. Now it’s like in the 30s. Like low 30s. Like nobody trusts each other. We don’t trust our media, our organizations, our institutions or each other. Everyone is insane and can’t be trusted and who knows what their intentions are. And then the whole world is also actively working to isolate us along with that so we don’t trust each other. But then every industry is isolating us. And it’s not just our phones, right? Yes. The phones have us like everyone looking down, but also like, I get in an Uber now and I can have a quiet ride.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:54:36  Don’t talk to me or a self-driving car now, right? I can order DoorDash and say, put it on my door. Don’t. Don’t ring the doorbell. I don’t want to talk to you. I go to the grocery store and it’s self-checkout lines. I go to hotels and I don’t even have to talk to someone to check in. Now I just do it through the app. Right? So every single industry is actively isolating us, right? I don’t have to go into a bank anymore. I went to the bank the other day to notarize something, and it was empty because I don’t need to do anything online in a bank anymore. Right? So every industry is actively working to isolate us and we don’t trust each other. So like that’s a huge force that is completely changing the fabric of society. The second bucket that I talk about is just this rise of proliferation of doom, right? Like in my industry, every film is a dystopian film or series and, you know, the algorithms on social media platforms reward the fires and the death, right? And rage at rage.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:55:28  Beat and anger. And so we have this proliferation of doom which is contributing to hopelessness amongst everyone, right? Nothing can change and nothing can get better. And then the third bucket is frankly, a crisis of meaning, which is so much of what Soul Boom is trying to help reinstate with people. You know, historically, we get our meaning from family and friends, work and career, religion and faith. Well, nobody belongs to religions anymore. We’re super disengaged at work and everyone’s quiet, quitting and then family live further from family and have fewer friends than ever in history. And so all our traditional sources of meaning are also in demise. So when I look at that context, right, like we don’t trust each other, we’re super isolated, everything is doom and gloom and we have no sources of meaning anymore. That’s when I say, like the type of joy I’m talking about, which is how do you invest in habits and tools and practices that create a positive psychological response in the face of all that? that’s really important and powerful.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:56:23  It’s not an emotion. It is. How do you retrain the synapses in your brain to refire in a completely different way, and have a different set of reserves that you can pull from in the face of all of this crap? All this crap that is is shaping our society right now. So I’m not talking about like, oh, you know, chorus, chorus on high singing Joy to the world. I am talking about retraining our brains, retraining our brains and how we respond to this shit. Sorry for the language, but like, this shit world we’re finding ourselves in. Is that. Is that a good explanation? I don’t know, is that a good explanation of it?

Eric Zimmer 00:57:02  I think it is a good explanation. I think it speaks to, you know, when I first was introduced to Zen Buddhism in high school by a high school teacher of mine, I didn’t understand nearly any of. I mean, Zen’s inscrutable to me today, and I’ve been a student of it for 20 years. Then I mean, I probably got like 1% of it, but what I got has kept me on the hook all these years.

Eric Zimmer 00:57:28  And what I got was there’s a way to be okay and to do good and be positive in the world, regardless of all the external circumstances. And that, to me, is the promise that I have been sort of trying to live into ever since. And I think that’s what you’re talking about. Right? This resiliency, this ability to be okay, even better than okay in really difficult circumstances.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:57:55  Victor Frankel’s book, Man’s Search for meaning is one of my hands down favorite books of all time, because it really does talk about how important you know, what is the meaning you ascribe to your suffering. Decency can survive even in the worst of circumstances. He was a Holocaust survivor, and he most of the book is talking about his experiences in the camps and how, you know, they’re decent men and they’re indecent men and decent men are still decent even when everything is taken from them, because the attitude, the choices they make reflect their decency and even in the worst of circumstances. And I and I think that that’s how I think about joy and resiliency.

Shabnam Mogharabi 00:58:33  Right? It’s even in the worst circumstances, even when your mom is dying of cancer, your kid is, you know, an addict, whatever. Even in the worst circumstances, what is the attitude and choice that you bring to that moment? And I think that’s the tools that I, I, I, I genuinely believe it because I feel like they’ve changed my own life. They’ve they’ve literally changed the way I move through the world. And I spent 20 years thinking about them, working on them, trying to counteract my own natural negative bias. Right. So I believe they work because I know that they’ve worked for me. And so I’m a big believer I’m a real I’m bought in, I’m bought in to the Joy train.

Eric Zimmer 00:59:12  Before we wrap up, I want you to think about this. Have you ever ended the day feeling like your choices didn’t quite match the person you wanted to be. Maybe it was autopilot mode or self-doubt that made it harder to stick to your goals. And that’s exactly why I created The Six Saboteurs of Self-control.

Eric Zimmer 00:59:31  It’s a free guide to help you recognize the hidden patterns that hold you back and give you simple, effective strategies to break through them. If you’re ready to take back control and start making lasting changes. Download your copy now at once. Let’s make those shifts happen starting today. When you feed Net Book. Well, that is a great place for us to wrap up. You and I are going to continue talking a little bit more in the post-show conversation, and what I’d like to focus on is a tool or two from this toolkit that people can use in the Joy toolkit. Yeah. Listeners, if you’d like to get access to this post-show conversation and get some of these great tools, as well as get ad free episodes and support a show that could definitely use your help. Go to one Eufy net and we’d love to have you be part of what we’re doing here. Shannon, thank you so much for coming on. This has been such a great conversation. It’s a great book. We’ll have links in the show notes to where people can get it.

Shabnam Mogharabi 01:00:36  Yeah. Thank you for having me, Eric. I really enjoyed the conversation.

Eric Zimmer 01:00:39  Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity, but we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the one You Feed community.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

How to Turn Life’s Pain into a Path of Meaning and Joy with Danielle LaPorte

November 7, 2025 Leave a Comment

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In this episode, Danielle LaPorte discusses how to turn life’s pain into a path of meaning and joy. She explores spirituality, conscious choice, and emotional honesty. Danielle also delves into the importance of embracing both pain and joy, reframing obligations as choices, and avoiding “spiritual bypassing”—, which is the tendency to rush to positivity without fully feeling difficult emotions. She shares insights on authentic growth, the healing power of music, and the value of engaging with diverse perspectives. This episode will encourage you to face life’s challenges with compassion, presence, and self-awareness, nurturing the “good wolf” within.

Exciting News!!!Coming in March, 2026, my new book, How a Little Becomes a Lot: The Art of Small Changes for a More Meaningful Life is now available for pre-orders!

Key Takeaways:

  • The significance of conscious choice in reframing obligations as empowering decisions.
  • The impact of spiritual practices on personal growth and the importance of joy in these practices.
  • The distinction between pain (inevitable) and suffering (optional) in navigating life’s challenges.
  • The concept of “spiritual bypassing” and its effects on emotional health and authenticity.
  • The role of emotional expression in personal growth, particularly regarding anger and disappointment.
  • The importance of self-awareness in managing one’s strengths and weaknesses.
  • Engaging with diverse perspectives to foster understanding and compassion in social and political contexts.
  • The healing power of music and its role in emotional expression and therapy.
  • Embracing the fullness of human experience, including both struggles and joys, to live a meaningful life.

Danielle LaPorte is the creator of the Heart Centered Membership and the Heart Centered Leadership Program with 400+ leaders in 30 countries hosting  conversation circles, retreats, and workshops in all kinds of communities and businesses. She’s a member of Oprah’s SuperSoul 100 and the former director of a future studies think tank in Washington, DC, where she managed a team creating global scenario plans. She now speaks about the intelligence of the heart. This most recent book, How To Be Loving…when your heart is breaking open and the world is waking up, is also an Audiobook + ebook, with a companion Journal. Danielle is also the author of The Fire Starter Sessions, White Hot Truth, and The Desire Map, and producer of dozens of meditation kits and online programs for spiritual support. Her podcast, With Love, Danielle, often ranks in iTunes’ top 10 for wellness. Most of her offerings—from the Heart Centered Membership to classes—are on a pay what you choose basis. Named one of the Top 100 Websites for Women by Forbes, millions of people a month visit DanielleLaPorte.com.

Connect with Danielle Laporte:  Website | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter

If you enjoyed this conversation with Danielle LaPorte, check out these other episodes:

Choosing Love Over Fear: Finding Joy, Confidence, and Self-Trust with Emma Gannon

Finding Hope When Life Isn’t Okay and the Power of Micro Joys with Cyndie Spiegel

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Episode Transcript:

Chris Forbes 00:00:07  Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts. We have quotes like garbage in, garbage out or you are what you think ring true. And yet for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking. Our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf.

Eric Zimmer 00:00:52  How many times have you been angry about something and immediately jumped to, but I should be grateful or disappointed by someone and rushed straight to, well, everyone’s doing their best. Danielle Laporte, who’s a speaker, a poet, a painter and member of Oprah’s Super Soul 100, has a phrase for this that I absolutely love.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:12  She calls it putting spiritual sweetener on it. And while perspective is really important, so is allowing ourselves to feel the real messy human emotions and not going straight to the enlightened response. Because when we do that, all those feelings that we’re trying to transcend, they don’t necessarily go away. They fester, they leak out as passive aggression or resentment or secret grudges. The key takeaway in this conversation for me was permission to feel the hard stuff first, to have the courage to stop, to admit this is what’s happening. This is what I feel, and then take the next right step. I’m Eric Zimmer and this is the one you feed. Hi Danielle, welcome to the show.

Danielle Laporte 00:01:53  Hi, everybody.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:54  I’m very happy to have you on. As we were talking about before we got started, I recorded an interview with you. It was quite some time ago when it was the first time I ever tried to record an interview without Chris, my partner with me, and I blew it. And so we’ve never been able to air it.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:09  So I’m very excited to have you back and get to have this conversation again.

Danielle Laporte 00:02:13  I didn’t know it was the first time you tried to record it solo, but here we are.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:19  Yeah, I happen to be out of town and I’ve got it all down now. I’ve got it figured out, but I didn’t then. So we learn. Learned as you go. So, your latest book is called White Hot Truth Clarity for keeping it real on your spiritual path from one seeker to another. And we’ll get into that book in just a minute. But let’s start like we normally do with a parable. There’s a grandfather who’s talking with his grandson, and he says, in life, there are two roles inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandson stops and he thinks about it for a second, and he looks up at his grandfather and he says, well, grandfather, which one wins? And the grandfather says, the one you feed.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:07  So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you and your life, and in the work that you do.

Danielle Laporte 00:03:13  I love that parable. Always choose. I think you know, the most important word in all of this is choose, but always choose generosity. I feed my capacity to be generous.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:28  Yeah, there’s a line that’s in your book, and it was in one of your previous books, too. You’ve got this idea of in the latest book, you call it reframing your obligations into conscious choices. Can you talk about that? Because that is so important to me in my life.

Danielle Laporte 00:03:43  Well, I think, you know, this is part of getting in the driver’s seat of your life and really being an intentional creator and completely washing out any victim mentality out of your Consciousness. You know, the worst extreme is that that kind of robotic. Unconscious way of living have a really long list of obligations. All these things that we think we need to do. And in that approach, there is a lack of choice.

Danielle Laporte 00:04:14  There’s a woo. So woe is me. There’s a, you know, life is happening to you. And I don’t think it happens that way at all. Or you can choose, you can choose that other. That positive self doesn’t happen to happen that way. So to push most people’s thinking on this, the pushback would be, well, what about feeding my kids? That’s an obligation. What about taking care of my ailing, aging parents? That’s an obligation. What about my mortgage? I got to pay my mortgage. You actually don’t have to do any of those things. You could choose to be unethical. You could choose to be careless. You could choose to be lawless. But you’re still making a conscious choice to be a good son or daughter and a loving parent and, you know, a responsible mortgage holder. So, you know, when you frame everything as a choice, you’re empowered. It’s a completely different energetic approach to things.

Eric Zimmer 00:05:15  Yeah, I agree 100%. And I have that same kind of conversation with myself and with other people, which is like, no, you don’t have to do that thing that you just said you have to do.

Eric Zimmer 00:05:24  I mean, you, you don’t you could get on a bus tomorrow and hide in California and live on the streets if you wanted to. Like, you’ve got lots of options. And whenever I remember that, it is so helpful to me to get me out of that. Like you said, the woe is me or I have to do this, I have to do that. It just it opens me up so much to realizing that I am, you know, the author of my own life to some degree. And I heard you somewhere recently, and I don’t know where I heard it, but you were making this list of all the things in our lives we choose. We choose what we eat for dinner. We choose what dishes we put in our cabinet. We choose what you know, what art goes on our walls or on our desk and. And that how we are making so many choices in life, and that being artistic and creative is really about making choices. And we can bring that artistic or creative spirit into everything that we do.

Danielle Laporte 00:06:14  You know what I think is really key about what you said about the choices and the obligations is there’s a lot of different choices that we can make. So when you move out of that, the weight, I mean, even saying the word obligation, it’s just such a heavy crap word. You know, when you move out of the weight of that and you’re still feeling resentment, I mean, there’s lots of stuff to resent. There’s lots of stuff that is not fun to do in life that you’re still choosing to do. You can start to make different choices under that commitment you’re making. So it’s like, yeah, I’m taking care of my aging parents and it’s heavy duty. But, you know, if I move more into the power of choice, then maybe I could get someone to take a shift for me. Maybe I could ask for some of my inheritance money now to cover the bills. Maybe. You know what? Maybe they don’t need as much attention and care as I thought. And I’m just doing this out of guilt, and I can lay off, and I can have a vacation.

Danielle Laporte 00:07:13  So there’s this loosening. When you loosen up on the weight of obligation, then your creativity starts to flow. It gets lighter.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:21  Exactly. So I want to circle back. This leads us right into one of the topics I had, which was, you know, a theme early in the book. And really through a lot of the book, you say that my spiritual path had become another to do list. So in this case, you know, we were just talking about obligations. And a lot of us turn the spiritual path into yet another obligation.

Danielle Laporte 00:07:42  Well, I think in this case it’s more about it being another thing to achieve. So then it becomes an obligation. I’m going to be a better person. I’m going to be more giving. I’m going to be in better shape. I’m going to be more healthy. I’m going to be more evolved. I’m going to think more clearly. And with that achievement intention, then there’s so many things you can put on your to do list. It’s another workshop.

Danielle Laporte 00:08:07  It’s having to meditate, it’s having to pray. It’s a new wellness regime. It’s all sorts of to do’s. And I mean, tattoos are great if they’re getting you somewhere that’s more fulfilling if you like, you’re really feeling expanded. And ideally, you know, your teeth are awesome. They go from good to great. If you’re experiencing some joy on the way to expanding, it’s like there’s many times there’s many parts of my quote unquote spiritual practice that aren’t easy, and they require some discipline. And, you know, I, I meditate on a regular basis and it’s not always fun working my day around that. I have to get up earlier. I got to make my kids lunch at night so I can have my 15 minutes or my half an hour, whatever it is in the morning to sit and do my thing. I still struggle with feeling like I’m not up to my commitment as a planetary citizen. If I didn’t sit that morning and send some light to the world or pray for, you know, victims of the hurricane, or do whatever I think I need to do that day, I don’t feel like anybody’s keeping score anymore.

Danielle Laporte 00:09:28  I’m free to choose a practice that works for me, and that’s what’s changed for me. It’s like I am choosing joy inducing practices, the yoga that works for me. It’s not the hardcore hot yoga. It’s really chill stuff, the exercise that works for me. It doesn’t have to be every day a week, just three days a week is cool. You know the kind of meditation that works for me. It turns out I go out of my mind if I sit for long periods of time and watch my in-breath and watch my outbreath and try to empty my mind. It’s not how I’m wired. I choose something that fits my personality that fills me up. Big difference. Way more fulfilling to be devoted when the practice itself has some delight to it.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:14  Yeah, I agree completely. And the book you’re talking about, the striking, the balance between, you say, sincere spiritual aspiration versus the compulsion to change ourselves. One of the central themes of this show that I’m asking all the time is that, like, how do we balance that idea of, you know, I’d like to be a better person, I’d like to do this.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:36  I’d like to do that. You know, having some ambition and also being content right where you are with what you have. And I’m just interested in your thoughts on how you how you work through striking that balance.

Danielle Laporte 00:10:48  Well, I think you have to ask yourself the question, why do you want to be a better person? It sounds like, you know, ironic and a bit banal, but like. Why? Is it to impress your God? Is it to make more money? Is it some guilt programming that you got from your parents or your church? is it part of being cool in your self-help, in your New age circle? Are you, like, really just polishing your halo? I’ve always loved that phrase. Or do you feel better when you’re a better person? Do you feel more expanded and more loving and sexier and more flexible and more intelligent and like, more in touch with life and your version of God when you’re doing your version of being a better person? So like two very different motivations.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:38  Yeah, I agree. And I think for me, all that stuff has gotten to a point where I do most of it simply as a way to feel better. It does make me feel better. I mean, exercise, I say this on the show all the time. I’m sure people are perhaps tired of hearing it, but it’s not about how I look anymore. That’s a side benefit. It’s not so much that I’ll die in 20 years versus 15. It’s really like for my day to day mental health and meditation kind of falls into the same boat and eating right falls into the same boat. There are all things that relieve suffering in my life.

Danielle Laporte 00:12:13  Relieve suffering and creates joy at the same time. Yeah. Like it’s there’s a tipping point. It’s a tipping point I think if you do it for the right reasons.

Eric Zimmer 00:12:24  Yeah. Right. Here’s a question I’ve got for you. Because a lot of us are driven to spiritual practice and things like meditation and yoga and eating well and all those different things, because we are in pain.

Eric Zimmer 00:12:35  That’s where a lot of this starts. And what I’ve seen with a lot of people is that what’s the pain goes away. So does the desire to do some of these things. How have you worked with people through that? You know, once they kind of have moved from being in pain and not sort of settling back into, okay, everything’s okay now.

Danielle Laporte 00:12:54  Well, I think everybody does that to some degree. You’re going to slip off track, and getting off track is part of deepening your devotion. It’s like, I didn’t meditate this week. I don’t feel as useful. I’m not thinking as clearly, okay, I’m going to at least get three days in this week or five days or whatever. So I have a lot more compassion for myself when I get off track. I think you know what you’re talking about can be laziness. You know it can. Like, sometimes we just need to call ourselves on it. Like, you know, my current question right now I’m about to do big speaking gig this weekend.

Danielle Laporte 00:13:34  to people who, you know, they self-identify as, like, high achievers. And I really want to put it to them and say, like, really? Come on, how devoted are we? Because personally, I’m really interested in going the distance. I think it’s not enough to kind of be on the self-help path or to kind of be kind. Like with the current state of the world and the psychology. For for most of us. I mean, personally, as someone who considers himself, it’s not enough for me to just be a good person. I have to be engaged. It’s not enough for me to just donate a little bit of money here and there. I’ve got to bake philanthropy into my business model. It’s not enough for me to just quietly meditate. I need to be vocal about what I think is ideal. You know, an ideal society to live in. Like, I gotta go the distance. So we take a few steps forward with our practice. We eat right, and then we go back to sleep.

Danielle Laporte 00:14:33  You know, commit, commit. I think that’s like where where some tough love comes in, like, are you in or not? And let me tell you, devotion is not easy, but it’s worth it. And it’s just like, you know, your relationship with spirit, it’s not a cakewalk. And this is part of it. Just like your relationship with anything, any person. The rough parts requires commitment and seeing it through and being flexible. And I think this is part of the dogma, the bill of goods that we’ve been getting for a long time from the New age, which is once you’re on the path and you learn how to follow your intuition and you really realize that you’re one with humanity, then there’s this grace and there’s this flow that comes into your life. Well, I can tell you I’m on the path. I’m very devoted to the path. I’m devoted to teaching by the path. And that has not been my experience. There is a there is a lot of grind.

Danielle Laporte 00:15:37  I still have extreme stuff, you know. Well, it’s extreme is an extreme way of putting it. But I still suffer very deeply. I still have intense struggles in my life, but I’m not going to get off the path because I have deeper love, I have deeper fulfillment. Easy. No. Worth it. Yes.

Eric Zimmer 00:16:27  I think we are all looking for that silver bullet. And then suddenly, life will just be easy. Like I’ll find the right way to meditate. Or I’ll read the right book, or I’ll follow this correct practice, or I’ll find this new exercise, and suddenly life will always be easy. And that’s just not the way it works. You used a word in their suffering, and in your book you talk about making a distinction between pain and suffering?

Danielle Laporte 00:16:54  This is a bit of an extreme statement, but it’s really worth considering for. Like mental clarity, I think that often suffering is a choice. you know, suffering is optional. Pain is not always optional. So it’s like a physical example.

Danielle Laporte 00:17:10  You break a bone, you feel pain. It’s inevitable. The suffering is what comes after. Like, you know, it’s. It’s a drag that you can’t walk. It’s a drag that you have to take the medicine. Whatever. You’re incapacitated, you go through a breakup. The pain is the breakup itself. Separation. The suffering is. How long are you going to hold on? How bitter are you going to be? How long does it take you to get over it? Are you choosing to forgive or you’re not choosing to forgive? I mean, I got lots to say about not choosing to forgive and why? Sometimes that’s actually an enlightened approach. So yeah, I think suffering is something that you have control over that a lot of us have control over. And I don’t want a broad brush stroke this and say, you know, someone who’s in Syria right now has no choice over their suffering. That’s an extreme situation. And no, you know, self-help, how two is going to help you get through that necessarily.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:18  I agree with you 100% that the pain is happens. Life delivers pain. It’s just it’s a it’s a very effective pain delivery mechanism, I suppose you could say. But it is a sign of what are the stories we tell ourselves. And a lot of times for me, I’ve started just thinking about it from a perspective of how do I just not make it worse? Like, yes, life has given me this thing. How can I just not pile on more pain with everything I’m telling myself? You know, I, I tell the parable the second arrow all the time. You know how the first arrow is kind of that life. You get shot, the pain you get, and then the second arrow is everything we add on top of it. And it’s it’s so true. And then, you know, there comes the third arrow, which is I’m feeling bad about myself because I’m not able to not, you know, suffer over it. And and on and on it goes. Lightning up can help a lot.

Danielle Laporte 00:19:08  Yeah. Yeah. Not. Alan Watts says there will always be suffering. The trick is to not suffer over the suffering. Yeah, to stay out of that. Why me? It’s just like this is what’s happening. Sometimes you don’t even need to solve it. It doesn’t need to be your karma. You don’t even have to look at why you created it. Just do what you have to do to not make it worse and get through it.

Eric Zimmer 00:19:31  Yeah, yeah. Speaking of other great minds, you quote Martin Buber in the book with a I’m assuming. I think that’s how you say it. yeah. But I love this phrase. And it says the world is not comprehensible, but it is embraceable.

Danielle Laporte 00:19:46  Yeah. Isn’t that great? He’s so lovely.

Eric Zimmer 00:19:48  Yeah. Yeah. What’s that mean to you?

Danielle Laporte 00:19:50  You got to leave lots of room for mystery. You know, our human capacities. And I put that in quotes because, you know, I think we’re spiritual beings who have crammed ourselves into these little suitcases called bodies and made a lot of choices to forget our divinity in order to have these experiences.

Danielle Laporte 00:20:07  So are we capable of comprehending the greatness of life and how it all works? No. I think, you know, when you get to a certain point of comprehension, you don’t need to. You definitely do not to be need to be on this dimension anymore. But you can really be intentionally on this ride. Like, you know, a lot of my friends and I this past week have been talking about all the suffering that’s happening on the planet. And, you know, we’re really having practical conversations. I’m about to have some friends over for dinner in the next couple of weeks. Talk about earthquake preparedness. We’re really feeling heartbroken over what’s happening politically with immigration and children in the US and like, what can we do? And can I produce more meditations that go up on my website? How would I raise my money? You know, and when I really go down that rabbit hole of where the world is at, at least the, you know, the dark side of it, you know, I worry about my grandchildren.

Danielle Laporte 00:21:05  I worry about my kid. I have a son. And is he going to be able to breathe clean air? I mean, there’s so many different directions that could go in and in terms of, like, bad direction. Here’s what’s getting my friends and I through right now. We just go. We signed up for this. We chose to be born to incarnate. At this time, I’ve got something to learn. And if I don’t have much to learn, which I think you know is unlikely, at least I’ve got a lot to offer. And I’m here. I’m here now, in this time of history, human history for a reason. So I’m going to embrace it. I’m going to embrace it. And on the quote unquote spiritual path, which I think too often is about ascension. I’m going to embrace being human. I’m going to love food. I’m going to love all the sensual things that come with being human, from food to rock and roll to like, you know, great holidays.

Danielle Laporte 00:22:04  Amen and amen. And I’m going to do my esoteric work at the same time. I mean, I’m really interested in heaven on earth, you know.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:15  Well, I looked up that quote after I read it in your book, and it goes on to say it’s embraceable by embracing the things that are in it. You know, by embracing the things in the world is, is how it becomes embraceable to us. And I just, I loved that when I read it. And I think it gets to what you were just saying. It’s about being here to to what’s actually in the world. Trying to figure it out is nearly impossible, but we can certainly engage with it in a real and meaningful way.

Danielle Laporte 00:22:42  Well, you went deeper with it than I did. Thank you.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:45  One of your favorite quotes I’ve ever seen of yours and I won’t get it right. But it says something to say, something along the lines of lying on the floor and listening to loud rock n roll. Maybe the only therapy you need, and.

Danielle Laporte 00:22:58  You usually is. And you know.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:00  Yeah.

Danielle Laporte 00:23:01  My recommendation is to listen to, Jim Morrison’s American Prayer. That was like the first time I just used music as there. I just, like In the Dark. And he’s in a studio totally wasted just reciting his poetry. shortly before he died. And then the the remaining doors, the band took those tracks and put it to music. Anyway, you got to do it.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:31  Yeah, well, my partner Chris here is giving you the the thumbs up sign for that one. For sure. For sure. So, yeah. No, I’m I am a strong believer that music is definitely healing in so many different ways. I would be lost without it, I think.

Danielle Laporte 00:23:47  Yeah. Me too. Me too.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:49  You call something the sacred paradox. And you say transformation begins with the radical acceptance of what is.

Danielle Laporte 00:23:56  Yes. And you know what? That is some of Krishnamurti’s thinking and. And mine. I’ll give myself a little bit of credit for that, where you can’t really see something until you fully accept it.

Danielle Laporte 00:24:08  And I think what a lot of us do to try and get out of pain, like completely understandable response to pain, is we go in denial that it’s not happening. Like, this job doesn’t suck, this marriage isn’t shitty, and we just keep trucking along or we go into solution mode of, you know, we see that something, something like, how are we going to get out of this? How can I come up with the money? I don’t see a way through. We can’t solve it. Just stop. Just stop and accept that it’s happening as awful as whatever it is, is. And then usually with that presence and that absence of being frantic, then you can take a really clear next step. You can make you know, the next right decision, as Oprah puts it. That’s my favorite phrase of hers right now. The next or the next best decision. Yeah. And it’s really hard to do because you have to suspend wanting to fix it and you have to just be in it, not knowing how you’re going to get out of it.

Danielle Laporte 00:25:15  Like, you know, this marriage is brutal. Pause. And then you figure out what you’re going to do about it.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:22  Yeah, I love that that Oprah phrase I’ve been in in 12 step recovery. And I think the phrase I heard was very early on was just do the next right thing. And that was so helpful in just like one foot in front of the other. What’s the next right thing to do right now? And you keep doing enough of those and you end up with good things happening. Also in the book, you talk about painting over pain with premature positivity and short circuiting the healing process, which is what you were just talking about. You’ve got a phrase that I love. I think a lot of people have heard the the phrase spiritual bypass, but you’ve got a got a great phrase where you talk about putting spiritual sweetener on it.

Danielle Laporte 00:25:58  Well, spiritual bypassing. You know, I hope, I hope that this concept, like, really rises to the front of the self-help space.

Danielle Laporte 00:26:08  I mean, this is really what the White Hot Truth book is about. It’s things like something negative happened to me. The shitty thing went down. But you know what? I’m so grateful that this happened. Because I should be grateful. Should I be grateful? That’s the spiritual, New age enlightened thing to do. And I learned so much from this. All that may be true, but before we get there, it’d be a really good idea if we felt maybe angry, if we felt disappointed. Despair. pissed off, you know, just all of those really human, justifiable things because that’s what’s real. And when we skip over those real human emotions and then move straight to the, you know, the more quote unquote spiritual approach, that stuff just festers. And what happens is, you know, the same person who pissed you off a year ago. You know, a year after you’ve been repressing it, then you have some fantastic passive aggressive interaction with them and they’re just like, where is this coming from? And you realize he’s actually secretly been holding your your grudge against them for quite a long time or comes out in other ways.

Danielle Laporte 00:27:25  I mean, what’s repressed? We’ll find a way to sneak out. Also, if we’re not feeling our anger, it disables us from creating justice and creating change. It’s like there’s a lot of reasons to be very angry about things that are happening in our political system, and that anger is clarifying. That anger, you know, helps you stand up straight and use your voice and create change. And there are many occasions where it’s just not the time to say, well, you know, this is karma unfolding. We’re all learning something. That’s that’s bullshit. Passivity.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:33  Eight years ago, I was completely overwhelmed. My life was full with good things, a challenging career, two teenage boys, a growing podcast, and a mother who needed care. But I had a persistent feeling of I can’t keep doing this, but I valued everything I was doing and I wasn’t willing to let any of them go. And the advice to do less only made me more overwhelmed. That’s when I stumbled into something I now call this still point method, a way of using small moments throughout my day to change not how much I had to do, but how I felt while I was doing it.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:08  And so I wanted to build something I wish I’d had eight years ago. So you don’t have to stumble towards an answer that something is now here and it’s called overwhelm is optional tools for when you can’t do less. It’s an email course that fits into moments you already have taking less than ten minutes total a day. It isn’t about doing less, it’s about relating differently to what you do. I think it’s the most useful tool we’ve ever built. The launch price is $29 if life is too full, but you still need relief from overwhelm. Check out overwhelm is optional. Go to one. You feel net overwhelm. That’s one you feed net. I agree with you that what we repress ends up showing up. And it’s funny you were mentioning anger and passive aggressiveness and I was just thinking about that earlier today. I was looking at a situation in, in some of the other work that I do, and I was like, I’m being passive aggressive to that person because I’ve not said what I’m frustrated about.

Eric Zimmer 00:30:12  And it was a I was all of a sudden like, oh yeah, and that’s not that’s not a good that’s not being a good leader. Anger is the one that I struggle with. I’ve gotten pretty good at being sad and allowing sadness to occur and and flow through me and and not afraid of that. But I think anger is the one for me. How about you? Is there one that you still are more inclined to run from?

Danielle Laporte 00:30:33  That’s a great question. I think mine is disappointment. And instead of just like being with a disappointment like I got let down, I let myself down. That’s that’s where I’ll spiritual bypass. And I’ll just be like, well, everybody’s trying their best and I’m so capable I can do it. I’ll take care of it. And I shouldn’t have asked for that much, or I should have tried harder. And it’s really not cool as a leader. I mean, just to, like, get deeper into it. For me, it’s a personality thing. It’s an Enneagram thing.

Danielle Laporte 00:31:08  So like on the Enneagram, I’m four. You don’t even need to know how the Enneagram works. But what I’ll tell you is that my weakness is that I’ll just do it myself. It’s actually not a strength. And so when I’m disappointed, that’s the default I go into. I’ll just do it myself. And that’s not it’s not cool because then I get well, I get overworked. And it also doesn’t allow people to rise to, to improve, rise to the occasion. Then this is part of the spiritual bypass. I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings feeling as much of a take no shit kind of person that I am. I’m just like, well, you know, and I’m way better, way better in the last two years at it than I used to be. I used to let things just go completely. And now I’m just like, you know what? Sorry. You gotta redo it.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:01  Yeah, well, I’m a nine on the Indian gram, so I think that’s peacemaker. So I wrestle with the same.

Danielle Laporte 00:32:06  Wonder.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:06  Same challenge, and I get better at it when I’m really focused on it. And I guess this goes back to what I was saying earlier. I get I focus on it, I get better, and then I sort of slide back into my old habits again and, and then I, like I was saying today I was realizing like, okay, I need to reengage with this as, as be more conscious about what I’m doing here.

Danielle Laporte 00:32:28  Because, listen, you nines would, you would do anything other than express anger. You might you might evolve to the point where you’re like, oh, it’s I’m okay feeling it. But to actually confront somebody, it’s really. I feel your pain. I have a friend, a mo. One of my best friends is a nine. And I’m just like, you know, sweetheart, you just tell me. Tell me what you would tell him. She’s like God, and she gets it. I’m like, okay, now just give him 10% of that and you will be making progress forward.

Danielle Laporte 00:32:58  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:59  Chris just said, should I send her a picture of the black eye I gave him last week? As if I got mad enough to hit him. Know that I, I can’t imagine what he could possibly ever do that would provoke me to to that. But yeah. And as a nine, as a peacemaker, I keep trying to remind myself that not saying what’s going on and just stuffing it is not making peace. It seems like it, but in a deeper sense, it’s just not. And and I’ve learned that often enough in life that you’d think I’d have it by now, but I keep learning it.

Danielle Laporte 00:33:30  Yeah, well, I mean, we’re all just it’s all a big repeat, but I. You know, one thing that might be helpful. Can I just give you some therapy for a second, please? It’s more creative to speak it. I mean, I think you can totally identify like, you want to create your reality. You want to be an intentional, a deliberate creator.

Danielle Laporte 00:33:48  And if you can express your anger. You were you were. You’re making an awesome life. You’re creating more precisely. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:57  Yeah, I think that is is great feedback. A lot of what I wrestle with. And you had a line in your book about this which was, you know, if your heart is just genuinely you’re sort of that easygoing and good natured, that’s great versus if you’re repressing all that stuff or you’re not saying all that stuff because of you’re afraid or you don’t want to cause conflict. And and I sometimes don’t know that I can tell anymore. Right. Because I am fairly laid back about stuff like I’m kind of like, well, okay, whatever, but I don’t know how much of that is sort of the unconscious habit over all these years of being that way. And so I’m really trying to look more closely at like what’s going on underneath the surface. My initial reaction is to say, oh, everything is fine, but what’s really happening underneath that and and recognize and I usually can tell, like I said, because I sort of become slightly passive aggressive without really even knowing it.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:52  I just noticed that I’m irritated with the person, and then I’m like, why am I irritated with the person? I’m like, oh, because that thing that they did that I didn’t think mattered two weeks ago, you know, blah blah, blah, blah.

Danielle Laporte 00:35:02  So for me, my body always knows when I’m angry. I mean, there’s lots of reasons I could get angry, but when I’m in that mode of like, well, okay, that’s healthy. But if I feel that fire and I don’t express it somehow, then I pay. I pay for it.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:19  Yeah, well, it’s that idea of how, for most of us, our best trait can also be our biggest weakness if we don’t deal with it. Right?

Danielle Laporte 00:35:27  Yep.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:28  So another idea that you had in the book and I really liked it, was you said that the more you can expose yourself to conflicting dogmas, the better off you are. And that seems to be something that a lot of people in the world today are simply not willing to do, is to explore anyone else’s perspective on things.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:49  So why does that help us?

Danielle Laporte 00:35:51  Because I think we do have more common than we have differences. And when we realize that there’s significantly less conflict, because that’s how you become a more loving person, being able to entertain other perspectives helps. I mean, it helps you see what you’re dealing with. Like it’s good to know who else is on the planet and to know, you know, the extent of there’s a lot of density and there’s a lot of darkness and there’s a lot of hatred. It’s good to know that and also to to know that the light and the love and the humanity that is living next door to you and teaching your kids and, and and running your communities. So there’s that, there’s just like general awareness and just expand, expanding your perspective. Expansion is always better than construction. I think the healing is there in that dialogue. I’ve been talking a bit about and thinking a lot about this over the last, you know, the summer, basically the last couple of months. I don’t know when this is going to air, but, you know, there’s a lot of strife that’s happening in terms of racism and immigration and I mean, mostly in the US, but we certainly have our problems in Canada as well and are thinking about what would the effect be if I had some one on one conversations with people who identified as being racist, and what would happen if we had town hall meetings and really sought to understand each other.

Danielle Laporte 00:37:24  And I think we’d find out that a lot of people who, spew hatred are deeply wounded. Doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be justice doesn’t doesn’t justify it at all.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:37  Right.

Danielle Laporte 00:37:38  But it helps us understand, because what I’m seeing is, you know, I’m not quite comfortable with the kind of protesting that’s happening right now. Like, I’m about to go to the Women’s March. I’m not going to be comfortable marching and screaming. It’s not who I am. So my way of protesting is, well, it’s more peaceful.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:01  Yeah, I agree 100%. I, I am very concerned about a lot of the politics that we see and what’s happening. I’m almost equally as concerned by how we are treating each other. you you reference Parker J. Palmer in your book and and he’s got so many wise things to say on this topic that that I just think he’s he’s got so many great ideas.

Danielle Laporte 00:38:25  Yeah. He’s brilliant. And he I mean, when you talk about somebody whose face they’re suffering, he’s amazing.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:30  Yep.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:30  Yep. Well, Danielle, thank you so much for taking the time to come on. The book, as I said, was called White Hot Truth. And I really enjoyed reading it. I like reading all of your stuff, and I appreciate you being willing to come on yet another time.

Danielle Laporte 00:38:44  Eric, thank you for being so thorough and for really, I have to say, you know, I’ve done a lot of I’ve had a lot of conversations about this book and you’ve really got the subtle stuff. So this was like a total pleasure. I’m really grateful. Thank you, thank you.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:01  Take care. You too. Okay, bye. Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity. But we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the one You Feed community.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

How We Can Improve Communication in Polarized Times with Charles Duhigg

November 4, 2025 1 Comment

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In this episode, Charles Duhigg explains how we can improve communication in polarized times. He explores how to foster active listening, social reciprocity, and techniques like “looping for understanding.” The conversation covers different types of conversations, the importance of focusing on common ground, and strategies for building and changing habits. Charles also shares insights on handling online conflict, the psychology of identity threat, and how intentional communication and habit design can improve relationships and personal well-being.

Exciting News!!!Coming in March, 2026, my new book, How a Little Becomes a Lot: The Art of Small Changes for a More Meaningful Life is now available for pre-orders!

Key Takeaways:

  • Importance of active and ostentatious listening in conversations.
  • Concept of social reciprocity and its role in effective communication.
  • Techniques for improving dialogue, such as “looping for understanding.”
  • Different types of conversations: practical, emotional, and social.
  • The idea of meta conversation and setting clear goals for discussions.
  • Strategies for focusing on common ground before addressing differences.
  • The impact of politeness in online communication and reducing hostility.
  • Understanding identity threat and its effects on open dialogue.
  • The habit loop framework: cue, routine, and reward in habit formation.
  • The significance of implementation intentions in managing habits and responses.

Charles Duhigg is the author of the New York Times bestsellers The Power of Habit and Smarter Faster Better. He is a staff writer at The New Yorker and was previously a reporterat the New York Times where he won a Pulitzer prize for explanatory reporting in 2013. He has appeared on This American Life, N.P.R., The Newshour with Jim Lehrer, and Frontline. His latest book is Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection.

Connect with Charles Duhigg: Website | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter

If you enjoyed this conversation with Charles Duhigg, check out these other episodes:

Oren Jay Sofer on Mindful Communication

How to Unlock the Power of Deeper Connections with David Brooks

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Episode Transcript:

Charles Duhigg 00:00:00  When somebody proves to us that they’re listening to us. When someone is polite to us, we have an instinct to listen back to them, to be polite to them, back in return. So one of the things that we have to do is instead of just listening, we have to ostentatiously listen. We have to prove that we’re listening.

Chris Forbes 00:00:25  Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts. We have quotes like garbage in, garbage out or you are what you think ring true. And yet, for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:10  I have a confession. I’ve gotten pretty cynical about certain conversations because here’s what usually happens I try to listen, I ask questions, I’m genuinely curious, and the other person just keeps talking. There’s no reciprocity. No. What do you think? It feels less like a dialogue and more like I’m just absorbing someone’s monologue. My guest today is Charles Duhigg, author of The Power of Habit and Super Communicators, and he said to me something I’d never really considered. Maybe they just don’t know how to ask questions back. Maybe they need permission. That really helped reframe some things for me. We also talk about why your exercise habit still requires effort, even though you’ve done it a thousand times how 12 step programs are essentially habit rewiring, and why some online conversations could be fixed with basic politeness. I’m Eric Zimmer and this is the one you feed. Hi Charles, welcome to the show.

Charles Duhigg 00:02:12  Thanks for having.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:13  Me. I’m happy to have you back on. We’re going to be discussing your latest book, Super Communicators, which we talked about in a previous episode, but I’d like to talk about it in the context of how we talk to each other in an increasingly polarized time.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:28  And I also want to talk about your classic book that I think is about 13 years old, but the audio book you just rerecorded in your voice, The Power of Habit, which is a topic that I’m always thinking about. But before we do that, we’ll start like we always do with the parable. And in the parable, there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops and they think about it for a second. They look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

Charles Duhigg 00:03:16  Well, you know, we’re going to be talking a little bit about polarization today.

Charles Duhigg 00:03:19  And I think that polarization is a great example of this. Look, there is this instinct when we meet someone who believes something differently than we do, voted for someone different than we voted for to try and and beat them, right. To win, to to kind of raise the flag for our cause and defend it valiantly. And that can feel really good in the moment, but it does very little to make this nation better. Right. If you think about it, our country has always been its best. Not when we agree with each other, but when we disagree with each other cordially, when we know how to get along with our neighbors, even though we hold different opinions. And so, for me, I think that there is this, this feeling of wanting to win, wanting to be right. That’s the bad wolf. And the good wolf is the one that says, look, I want to have a conversation with you. I want to understand where you’re coming from, and I want you to understand where I’m coming from.

Charles Duhigg 00:04:08  And when we walk away from each other, we might not agree with each other. And that’s okay. Yeah. Because the goal here is understanding not for one person to be right and the other person to be wrong.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:17  So one of the things that I have found challenging is I agree with everything you just said. And I recognize, like making my point doesn’t actually work, right. I’m probably not going to convince anybody who thinks something differently, but the conversations seem to be like, everybody comes at everybody else. So like, I’m, I’m I’m not saying I’m a saint. I’m trying to be in a receptive listening position and the other person is not in that position. And so they do their thing. I might ask a couple questions, but there’s never not, never there’s very often no reciprocity where we’re having dialogue back and forth. And so I think about like, what do we do when the other person doesn’t want dialogue? Is it just you just don’t bother? Like, what do you think about that?

Charles Duhigg 00:05:04  So I think there’s two things.

Charles Duhigg 00:05:05  The first is there are times when people don’t want dialogue, right? When I tell my kids that I want to talk to them about their rooms, I don’t actually want to have a conversation about their rooms. I want them to go clean their rooms. Right. And so if you’re in a situation where the other person genuinely does not want to have a dialogue with you, there’s very little you can do. But that actually happens very, very infrequently. What often happens much more frequently is that we miss assume if the other person wants to have a dialogue or not. And you’re exactly right. Some people who are more talented at communication, more comfortable communication, what they can do is they can get into this pattern where they’re asking questions and the other person isn’t asking questions. And so what do we do at that moment? Well, there’s two things that we can do. The first is we all have in our brain hardwired into our neurology, this instinct for social reciprocity, which is when somebody proves to us that they’re listening to us when someone is polite to us.

Charles Duhigg 00:05:58  We have an instinct to listen back to them, to be polite to them, back in return. So one of the things that we have to do is instead of just listening, we have to ostentatiously listen. We have to prove that we’re listening. And there’s a technique for this known as looping for understanding. And I think we mentioned last time and it has these three steps, right. Step one is you ask a question. Step two is when the person answers that question. Afterwards you repeat back in your own words which you heard them say. And the goal here is not mimicry. The goal here is to prove to them that you’re paying attention, to prove to them that you’re actually thinking about what they’re saying. And most of us learn to do this somewhat intuitively. It’s step three that I always forget to do, which is when I’m done to say, hey, I’m just wondering, did I get that right? Did I understand you correctly? Because what I’m doing in that moment is I’m asking them for permission to acknowledge that I was listening.

Charles Duhigg 00:06:49  And what I know is, if you acknowledge that I’m listening. That’s social reciprocity instinct in your brain. It will make you want to listen to me in return. So the best thing that we can do to get the other person to listen is we can prove that we’re listening by demonstrating that we’re listening. That’s the first thing. The second thing is, and I do this myself all the time, sometimes you get these these conversations. You ask question after question. The person doesn’t ask you any questions back. Now you might think, oh, maybe they’re just self-obsessed or maybe. But it might also be that they’re just they just don’t know how to ask questions or uncomfortable at it. They need permission. So oftentimes what I do in those situations is I say, oh, you know, I’ve been asking you so many questions. I’m sure you have some questions for me. Let me stop and give you a second to ask me some questions. And whenever I do that, inevitably I find the other person.

Charles Duhigg 00:07:36  They have lots of questions that they want to ask me. They just didn’t know really how to do it. They’re not socially at ease quite as much as I am, but when you invite them to ask you questions, what you find is it becomes a dialogue or it becomes a back and forth.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:48  That’s really great. I never thought of that second point really at all as like a way to invite them to do it and that they may simply not know how to do it. I’ve also sometimes wondered whether the fact like you just if I’m the one asking questions, the interaction takes a certain shape, and things that take a certain shape sometimes stay in that shape unless you consciously alter the shape well.

Charles Duhigg 00:08:16  And I think what we’re getting at here is what’s known as meta conversation, right? When we’re talking about talking. And when I say, oh, I’ve been asking you so many questions, you probably have some questions for me. I’m engaging in meta conversation. What I’m saying is let’s deliberately shape this conversation together.

Charles Duhigg 00:08:31  When I say, oh, look, the reason I wanted to talk to you today is because I really wanted to figure out where we should go on vacation for next year. That’s meta conversation. I’m announcing my goal for the conversation, and then I’m really well served to ask you what your goal is. Does that work for you, or is there anything else you wanted to talk about? When we engage in this meta conversation and the best communicators engage in meta conversation all the time, it doesn’t feel awkward. It doesn’t feel clumsy. It feels like we’re saying, hey, here’s what I’d like to talk about, or here’s how I’d like us to share with each other. And that actually feels very clarifying and good to everyone in the dialogue.

Eric Zimmer 00:09:03  Right. And this takes us kind of back to the heart of super communicators, which was that there are different types of conversations, and knowing what type of conversation you’re in is really important. And to your point, being able to to sort of name that and set up the right context for that type of conversation.

Charles Duhigg 00:09:21  Absolutely. What researchers have found is that when we’re having a discussion, we think we know what that discussion is about. We think we’re talking about where to go on vacation next year, what the budget should be. But actually, if you look inside our brains, what you see is we’re having multiple different kinds of conversations all at the same time. And in general, these different kinds of conversations, they tend to fall into one of three buckets. There are practical conversations where we’re making plans together or we’re solving problems, but then there’s also emotional conversations where I tell you what I’m feeling And I don’t want you to solve my feelings. I want you to empathize. And then finally, there’s social conversations, which is about how we relate to each other and how we relate to society. And all three of these different kinds of conversations are equally legitimate. But what researchers have found is if you’re not having the same kind of conversation at the same moment, it’s almost impossible for you to really listen to each other.

Charles Duhigg 00:10:13  It’s almost impossible for you to feel connected to each other. Right. If I come home from work and I’m having a bad day, and I start complaining about my day, and my wife says, oh, here’s a solution. Like, you know, if you’re not getting along with your boss, just take your boss out to lunch. Odds are I’m not going to be able to hear what she’s saying. I’m going to get even more upset because I’m having an emotional conversation and she’s responding with a practical conversation. Yeah. And they’re both equally legitimate conversations. But we need to be having the same kind of conversation at the same moment. And within psychology, this has become known as the matching principle that says successful communication requires having the same kind of conversation at the same time.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:50  And what is a learning conversation.

Charles Duhigg 00:10:52  So a learning conversation is when I go into a conversation with the goal of wanting to understand how you see the world and wanting you to understand how I see the world, right? Oftentimes, if you think about it, when we get into a conversation, our goal is, I want to convince you that I’m right and maybe you’re wrong.

Charles Duhigg 00:11:08  I want to convince you that I’m smart. I want to convince you that you should like me. Those usually are not great conversations, right? The best conversations or conversations when I go in to say, look, I’m talking to you because I really want to learn who you are. And I might disagree with some of the stuff you say, but what’s more important to me than is telling you is trying to understand how you see the world. And then once I understand how you see the world, I want to speak in a way that you can understand how I see the world. And if we both walk away with understanding, then the conversation is 100% of a success. That’s a learning conversation.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:41  Got it. Makes sense. You have a couple rules that you posted. You have a Substack. I can’t remember what it’s called. The science.

Charles Duhigg 00:11:48  The science.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:49  Of better signs of.

Charles Duhigg 00:11:50  Better science.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:51  Is close. To put an extra word in there.

Charles Duhigg 00:11:53  That’s okay, you say.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:54  If you and a friend have very different opinions, you can talk about them and feel even closer afterwards.

Eric Zimmer 00:12:00  But you had something really interesting there, which is if you focus on your similarities first, then move to differences.

Charles Duhigg 00:12:07  Yeah, I think that’s really important. And, you know, and this comes from a study where they would pair these, these people who had very different political ideas. And for some of them they would say, okay, you guys have something in common and figure out what it is. And it was that they had the same they came from the same hometown, or they were both, you know, in the model trains or something like that. As soon as the two people figured out, like, oh, we have something in common. Then they moved on to their differences. Their differences were much easier to discuss. And this kind of makes sense, right? Because if I get into a conversation with you and we’re talking about politics and you voted for your person and I voted for my person, and that’s literally all I know about you, is that we voted for different people.

Charles Duhigg 00:12:45  That’s going to kind of overshadow the conversation. It’s going to overshadow my mental image of you and what I think I need to do in this conversation to stand up for my perspective. But if we start by saying, oh, hey, Eric, you know, I know you grew up in in Michigan and I grew up in Michigan. Like, I think we actually went to high schools in the same town. Now we have something in common then. And then when we start talking about our differences, that difference is not the overwhelming characteristic that typifies who I am and who you are. It’s just one of many elements. Right. And inevitably, we have something in common with everyone we bump into. We just have to figure out what it is. And once we’ve established that thing in common, we’re much more likely to have a productive and a useful conversation about what we disagree about and both walk away feeling better about it.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:31  It strikes me that even in established relationships, that might be a good idea.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:39  So, you know, I have friends who who feel differently than I do on key issues. And we have a long history together. And yet sometimes the conversation is about that thing. And it occurs to me as you’re talking that if I were to be warming the conversation up with like reflecting on the songs we used to listen to together when we were 16, I’ve brought the similarities to mind in a way.

Charles Duhigg 00:14:05  And you.

Eric Zimmer 00:14:05  Could even sort of latent otherwise.

Charles Duhigg 00:14:07  And you can even be more specific than that. You can say things like, and I say this with my wife all the time. We’re talking about where to go on vacation, okay? We both want to have a relaxing vacation, right? That’s our goal. Our goal is to have a relaxing vacation. And I know that, you know, for you, relaxing means by the beach. And for me, relaxing means being in the city where I can walk or walk around. But since we both have this goal in common, let’s see if we can figure out a place that satisfies both of our need for relaxation.

Charles Duhigg 00:14:31  So I don’t even have to talk about, like, you know, the songs we listen to when we’re 16, although that’s kind of fun and that’s a great thing we have in common. What I can do is just say, actually, we have the same goal in common, and we have hunches of different ways to achieve that goal. Once we know what we have in common, it’s a lot easier to. A lot easier to find the path that satisfies both of us.

Eric Zimmer 00:14:51  San Sebastian, Spain. That’s the. That’s the answer to your beach and see.

Charles Duhigg 00:14:55  Oh, yeah, I know I love San Sebastian. It’s. It is beautiful. The Basque Country is amazing. The surfing is great there. And then the ponchos.

Eric Zimmer 00:15:02  We talked about surfing on our last conversation. I learned the surf at San Sebastian about.

Charles Duhigg 00:15:09  Oh.

Eric Zimmer 00:15:10  About three years ago. And I think it’s kind of ruined me for all the other beaches because it is like the perfect beginner wave.

Charles Duhigg 00:15:18  Yeah, no, it’s a pretty nice place to learn.

Eric Zimmer 00:15:20  I mean, it’s just. Yeah. Anyway, let’s not go too far down the surfing rabbit hole here. The other thing that you talked about a little bit was when the, when we’re online, that even somebody inserting something positive into like a comment thread often changes the flavor of the whole thread.

Charles Duhigg 00:15:41  Yeah. And it’s, it’s not just positivity, it’s actually politeness. So there was this really interesting study that was done where they looked at editors on Wikipedia. Right. And the and people on Wikipedia, they get into arguments all the time, right, about what’s, what should be let in and what shouldn’t be let in. And so they were looking at the most heated arguments. And what they found was if just one person started saying please and thank you. It kind of changed the entire conversation, because as soon as one person is saying please or thank you again, this gets back to the social reciprocity. I kind of feel a little bit of an instinct to either say please and thank you myself, or at least not to be like, you’re a jerk.

Charles Duhigg 00:16:20  Thank you very much. Right? Like adding just a little bit of politeness really goes a long way. Now, there’s some other things that we know about online conversations and communication, which is number one. Sarcasm does not work online, right? Because if I say something sarcastic, you can hear the sarcasm in my voice. If I type something sarcastic and you’re reading it quickly, you think I’m being serious. And so that’s that’s a big thing, is dial down the sarcasm, dial up the politeness. And then also this meta conversation really works online, right? To say like, hey, look, I think we’re getting distracted here. The reason why I wanted to have this chat with you was because we need to figure out, like, what our lunch order. Right? That’s a meta conversation. And what you’re doing at that moment is you’re saying, oh, let’s reorient this so that we can communicate with each other.

Eric Zimmer 00:17:39  As we’re talking about this, I think it’s worth noting. And I sort of said it early on Like, these techniques aren’t magic.

Eric Zimmer 00:17:46  They’re not going to make somebody who’s just a true troll. Not a troll. Right? Yeah, but it’s going to shift the way that most people respond. There’s the outliers. But if we’re talking about how most people respond, they’re going to respond to, you know, as you mentioned, reciprocity and and politeness and.

Charles Duhigg 00:18:06  Yeah. No, I think that’s exactly right. I mean, one of the things that we know about studies of internet trolls is you don’t feed the trolls. If someone if someone is there just to, like, make you upset, your best policy is not to interact with them because that’s what they’re looking for. They’re looking for a reaction. And if you deny that to them, hopefully they’ll move on to something else in their life. But that’s a very small percentage of people who actually fall into that category. Most people, they get online and they actually they want to be heard. They have something that they want to say, and at the same time, they want to see how people react to it and they want to see other people’s comments.

Charles Duhigg 00:18:41  And it’s very easy for that to spiral. If I say like, oh, just like every other liberal that just like all you want to do is like, make this country weaker or you’re just like every other conservative, you don’t, you don’t care about poor people. You don’t care about anyone besides yourself. What’s happening? There is something that’s known as identity threats. So identity threat is a feeling that we feel. And it feels like a threat. It feels like a it feels like it triggers our fight or flight response. When you force me into a group that I do not want to belong to, or you deny me membership in a group that I esteem against my will, it feels like a threat. So if I say, oh, you’re just like those conservatives who don’t care about poor people, I’m forcing you into this group that you might that you probably don’t want to belong to, of people who don’t care about poor people. Right? Or if I’m saying, oh, you know, you never went to law school.

Charles Duhigg 00:19:30  You don’t understand how the law works. Then what I’m doing is I’m denying you membership in a group that you do want to be a part of. People who understand how the law works, because you actually know a lot about the law. And when we engage in this identity threat, It’s really, really dangerous because what it does is rather than allowing me to listen to what you’re saying, it triggers that fight or flight response. And once that’s triggered, it’s very hard for me to calm that down.

Eric Zimmer 00:19:54  Yeah, I have found over the years. I mean, anybody who’s, you know, in a public position on the internet, I’m sure you have this happen to you all the time. I will get very upset emails from time to time from people. And I have found that 95% of the time, if I reply with a kind and thoughtful email like I just, I just let the I let the venom sort of run off and I look at what their key point was, and I respond with some degree of compassion or like, I’m sorry that it landed.

Eric Zimmer 00:20:27  You know, that 95% of the time I get an email back that is lovely, where the person’s like, I’m sorry I overreacted. You know, I just it really hit me wrong. But I, you know, like literally 95% of the time. Now, occasionally it doesn’t work, but most of the time, even what seems to be somebody that you’re like, well, how could they be that angry about what I said? A little bit of understanding and of willingness to say, hey, I care that it upset you. Goes a long way.

Charles Duhigg 00:20:57  I agree, I completely agree, and I think that there’s something important. What you just said that you let the venom run off. Now, the question is from the other person’s perspective, do they see that as venom? Right. Or from their perspective is they’re like they’re like, look, I you know, I heard you say this thing on the radio and I just feel like maybe, maybe you don’t know what my experience is like.

Charles Duhigg 00:21:16  Or maybe, maybe you weren’t exposed to the same facts I was exposed to. Or maybe you’re just mistaken. So from their perspective, it might not be venom. It might not be them saying, I think you’re the worst person on earth. It might be them saying, hey, look, you left out my perspective, and my perspective is important. And so I think that one of the things that happens, particularly when we engage in this looping understanding, when we try and show someone that we’re really paying attention to them, it’s much, much easier for us to see their best intentions. Because if my job is to listen to you closely enough that I can repeat back. Okay, here’s the argument that I think you’re making. This is why. This is why it seems like it matters to you so much. Am I getting that right? If I make that much effort, usually I’m seeing the world a little bit from your perspective. And that doesn’t mean I have to agree with your perspective, right? It doesn’t mean that I have to walk away and say, oh, I’ve changed my mind.

Charles Duhigg 00:22:05  But it does mean that you see you see that I’m trying to hear you, and you become much more likely to want to hear me in response.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:12  Yeah. The thing that makes me think venom is the ones when it really is that way. And most always, I get an apology. I most always will get an apology. Like, boy, I really, you know, right? I came at you pretty hard, you know, or.

Charles Duhigg 00:22:26  I reread, I reread what I wrote and it really came off a lot, a lot more angry than I intended.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:31  It. Exactly.

Charles Duhigg 00:22:32  Yeah, yeah. And I think that’s interesting because what they’re really saying there, I think is true, is I wrote this and I didn’t understand how you would read it until like a couple of hours later with a clear head. I reread it myself and I was like, oh man, that’s that’s way overboard, right? And it’s not so much that they that they, they think that you are bad or wrong as much as they’re in a hot moment.

Charles Duhigg 00:22:54  And we all get into those moments when we type something and then later on we’re like, I wish I’d phrase it differently.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:59  Yep. I used to have a rule. I’ve said this before on the show. It was back when I had a job in the software business, and I had a hard and fast rule. I could not hit send on any email after 5 p.m. that the subject was at all contentious. Yeah, because I just couldn’t trust myself at that point in the day to be able to even read myself clear enough.

Charles Duhigg 00:23:23  And if you said it, for if you save it for tomorrow morning, you wake up and you think, oh, that’s sentence. That’s exactly that’s a little over the top. I need to scale that back a little bit.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:31  Yes, yes. So yeah, from a cooler perspective we can read very differently. All right. So I would love to turn our attention to the book that you’re very well known for, which is The Power of Habit, which is 13 years old now.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:46  And I’d like to start by seeing if we could talk about what a habit is. Sure. At its most basic level, like what do you think of as a habit?

Charles Duhigg 00:23:58  So we use this word habit. And what we oftentimes don’t, don’t fully understand is that every habit has three components, right. We think of a habit as a behavior, but it’s actually three different things. There’s a cue which is like a trigger for a behavior to happen automatically. That’s the first part. Then there’s the routine, the behavior itself, what we think of as the habit. And then finally, every habit in our life delivers a reward to us. That’s the third part. And this is known as the habit loop. It’s the cue, the routine and the reward. And that means that when I walk past that one ice cream shop, I start anticipating. What a chocolate ice cream cone tastes like. So the queue is walking past the ice cream shop. The anticipated reward is that chocolate flavor. And so I kind of almost unthinkingly walk into the into the ice cream shop, and I buy an ice cream like I do every week when I walk past the shop.

Charles Duhigg 00:24:52  Right. Yeah. And that’s the routine. And it’s important because for a long time we focused on the behavior, the routine as something we should change. But what we’ve learned is that we get much more power in trying to influence the queue and the reward that if we can identify or diagnose the queue and the reward, if we can sort of fiddle with the gears, then that behavior, that routine becomes much easier to shift. And so that’s what a habit is. And.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:43  I like that point about CU being really important because it speaks to there being a consistent context. Yeah. Like something like brushing my teeth becomes a habit because the context of getting ready to go to bed happens every day. Buckling my seatbelt, getting in my car becomes habitual because I’m always sitting in a car, in a chair with a belt to my right. Right. Or you know. Right. And so I think that context thing is really important. And one of the things that I’ve worked with people with over the years, and I’d love to just hear you talk about, is that for a lot of people, particularly people like you, you’ve got a busy career, you’ve got kids who are, what, 13 and 9 or 9 and 12, 14, nine, 19.

Charles Duhigg 00:26:26  12, 14 and 17.

Eric Zimmer 00:26:27  Yeah. So your life is very busy. Our context shift a lot.

Charles Duhigg 00:26:32  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:26:32  And and so how do we work to build a positive habit if our contexts don’t stand still very well.

Charles Duhigg 00:26:40  Well, okay. So what’s interesting is that so so let’s talk about where where how habits work in our brain. Yeah. There’s a part of the brain known as the basal ganglia. Every animal on Earth has a basal ganglia. And it evolved essentially just to create habits. Right. Because because if you can’t build habits, you basically can’t live. If you have to decide, like how to walk every single time you open the door, or if you have to decide every time you see a rock or an apple. Do I eat the rock or do I eat the apple? You’re so overwhelmed that you you just you can’t do anything.

Eric Zimmer 00:27:09  You have no teeth.

Charles Duhigg 00:27:10  Yeah. And you have no teeth. Exactly. So? So every creature that has succeeded has succeeded because they have a basal ganglia and the basal ganglia whose job is to make habits.

Charles Duhigg 00:27:18  So. Okay. So the basal ganglia is where this cued this routine and this reward get all linked together. Now the important thing is that when we’re talking about these cues, it doesn’t have to be the entire context, right? A cue usually falls into one of five categories. There’s a cue cuz oftentimes at the time of day, it’s a certain place, it’s a certain emotion you’re feeling. It’s the presence of certain people, or it’s a preceding behavior that’s become ritualized. Right. So let’s let’s talk about teeth brushing. I brush my teeth. If I take a shower and I don’t brush my teeth, I do not feel clean. Like right now, if I feel my teeth, I feel fine. But if I took a shower and I came out of the shower and I felt my teeth and I hadn’t, I didn’t have that minty feeling in my mouth, I would feel like, oh, the shower isn’t complete. I’m not totally clean yet. So for me, the cue for brushing my teeth has become associated with showering, right? And there’s probably other other cues as well in different settings.

Charles Duhigg 00:28:15  But but showering is a big one. Now, the thing is, I shower sometimes in the middle of the day. Sometimes I shower in the morning, sometimes I shower in a hotel room, sometimes I shower at home. So it doesn’t have to be exactly the same context for that cue to be powerful. And if someone’s trying to, for instance, change the habit in their own life or create a new habit, let’s say you want to go start exercising in the morning? The thing to think about is what cues am I going to create for myself? So am I going to? I’m going to put my running clothes right next to my bed, already laid out, so it’s super easy to get into them as soon as I wake up. Right? Or I’m going to I’m going to set the alarm for six instead of 615, so that I have an extra 15 minutes to to go into the garage and lift some weights. So I’m choosing a cue deliberately, and I might have a couple of different, cuz I might be a time of day and and a certain place and a certain behavior.

Charles Duhigg 00:29:05  I’m going to see which one will stick. And then equally importantly, is to decide what reward I’m going to give myself as soon as the exercise is done right. Okay. As soon as I’m done exercising, I’m going to let myself have one of those chocolate protein shakes that I really, really like, or a nice smoothie or something like that. And the reason why that’s important is because oftentimes when we’re trying to build a habit, we don’t give ourselves a reward afterwards, we sort of assume that the behavior itself should be reward enough, but our brain pays attention to rewards, and if we’re not giving ourselves a reward, our brain says, I’m not going to make this behavior easier. I’m not going to link these things together. So choosing a cue and choosing a reward is really, really important in building a new habit.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:49  I’ve asked this question of many different people on the show, and it’s this if reward theory is correct, which I believe it certainly is to some degree. Every single time I’ve exercised in my life, within minutes of being done, I have thought, I’m glad I did, that I feel better.

Eric Zimmer 00:30:09  Yeah. And yet, I mean, and I’ve got thousands of reps at this point, decades of reps of like 100%. I still have to very often. It just takes more friction to get me over the line than it seems like it should have to be for something that’s got such a high reward. What’s going on?

Charles Duhigg 00:30:31  I’d say a couple things. First of all, my guess is that when you first started exercising, you did not feel great after you. After you did all those sit ups, right? So what happens oftentimes is that we need an external reward at first. If I do 1010 sit ups, I’m going to let myself have a smoothie. And over time, our brain kind of comes to realize, oh, actually, if I do ten sit ups, I feel pretty good. Like, it actually releases endorphins and endocannabinoids and all dopamine, these these neurotransmitters that make me feel good. So the the reward, the brain’s recognition of the reward often moves from an external reward to an internal reward.

Charles Duhigg 00:31:05  And that’s really important. Now, that being said, the fact that you have an internal reward that you feel good after exercising, that’s enough to get you exercising. But it’s not the greatest reward on the face of the planet, right? Like my guess is that, for instance, like not sex is a great example of this, right? Sex rewards are so overwhelming that you very often do not need a lot of encouragement if you are with someone whom you love and in a sexual relationship to have sex because the reward is very large now the reward of feeling good after you do 1010 sit ups, it’s not. It’s not insignificant, but it’s not as big a reward as having like a nice ice cream or going or, you know. So I think what’s important here is the fact that you still have to work a little bit hard to do your exercise. That doesn’t mean that doesn’t mean that it’s not a habit for you. It means that you’ve learned that you need to remind yourself of that reward.

Charles Duhigg 00:32:01  You need to remind yourself that part of your cues is remembering how good you feel after exercise to get yourself to exercise right.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:08  And I think that gets to my my question about like, how do we define a habit? Because I would say from one view of of exercise, I have an exercise habit. I do it five days a week, almost always year after year. Right. So in that way it happens, right? But it doesn’t feel automatic in the way that brushing my teeth feels automatic.

Charles Duhigg 00:32:32  Well, because it takes a little bit more effort. But they’re still both. They’re both habits. Right. I mean, let’s take for instance, it probably takes more effort to brush your teeth than it does to breathe. Right. And and actually, you can stop breathing until basically you have a buildup of carbon dioxide in your blood. You don’t have to breathe. You don’t have an instinct to breathe. But the reason why we keep breathing is because it’s a habit that we fallen into, and it’s a habit that’s so easy that we hardly even think about it.

Charles Duhigg 00:32:56  It takes a little bit more effort to brush your teeth, right? It takes a little bit more effort to work out. That doesn’t mean that any of them aren’t habits, and a habit doesn’t mean it’s something that happens thoughtlessly. It means it’s something that gets easier and easier and easier in the context of that cue and reward. So the first time you exercised, you really had to think about it a lot, right? You had to like, okay, here’s the route I’m going to take. Here’s what I’m going to wear. I know that I’m gonna look really dumb running. So I’m only going to run for a couple blocks. Like you spend a lot of time thinking about it. A couple of weeks in, you’re like, oh yeah, just throw in the clothes. Like, let’s just go for the run. What happens is that our basal ganglia makes that behavior, that chunk of behaviors, the cue routines and reward easier and easier and easier. That does not mean it becomes completely thoughtless, but it does mean that actually your brain spends less time thinking about that that habit loop as the as time goes on.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:50  That’s a great way to think of it. I often think of it as momentum, right? There’s a certain momentum. Certain behaviors in my life have a momentum to them. Yeah, that is really strong. There’s been times over the last couple of decades where I will get completely off track with something that’s a habit, you know, for a few weeks, a month. And the effort then that it takes to get going again is, you know, 20 times what it takes me today. Yeah. So let’s talk about this habit loop in a little bit more detail, because it’s kind of the heart of what you just laid out is what makes something a habit. So walk us through each of the components of it and give us an example of each.

Charles Duhigg 00:34:33  Okay, so as I mentioned a cue it falls into one of these five buckets. Right. Let’s say that, you know, like my, my teeth brushing habit, the cue for that is a preceding behavior. It’s taking a shower. And that that triggers this craving for that minty feeling in my mouth.

Charles Duhigg 00:34:50  It’s not a huge craving, right? It’s not a craving. I mean, if it’s not convenient, if I’m rushing out the door, I’m not going to be consumed by it all day long. But it’s enough to remind me to go pick up my toothbrush and make that really easy.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:01  You’re not robbing somebody for a tube of toothpaste.

Charles Duhigg 00:35:03  Exactly. Exactly, exactly. So that’s that’s how cues work. And rewards. Rewards are just something that we enjoy. Now, the problem is that sometimes we create a habit and we don’t. We give ourselves a reward that, in theory, is rewarding. Like sometimes people say like, okay, I’m going to go for a run this morning, and if I do, my reward is I’m going to let myself eat some kale chips. Kale chips is not a reward, right? Nobody’s like, oh man, Kale chips. I love these things so much. Right? Or they. And so so you need to give yourself a reward that you actually find rewarding.

Charles Duhigg 00:35:35  Here’s another thing that people do, right. They say, okay, I’m going to go running tomorrow morning. So what they do is they wake up and they’re sort of in a in a hurry to try and figure out what their running clothes are. They go out, they, they, they go for a run, they come back, the kids are late for school. And so they rush through a shower, and then they’re rushing to get their kids to school. And finally they make it to their desk and they’re like, oh, finally I get to calm down. What they basically did is they punished themselves for exercising. Right now, your brain pays attention to those punishments and rewards, and it says, I don’t want to make running easier. Like whenever you go running, it’s kind of a nightmare afterwards that that seems like a sign that this is a bad behavior. So we really have to be deliberate about giving ourselves rewards that are genuinely rewarding and not letting ourselves think that like, just because we want it to be rewarding, it will be.

Eric Zimmer 00:36:23  Eight years ago, I was completely overwhelmed. My life was full with good things, a challenging career, two teenage boys, a growing podcast and a mother who needed care. But I had a persistent feeling of I can’t keep doing this, but I valued everything I was doing and I wasn’t willing to let any of them go. And the advice to do less only made me more overwhelmed. That’s when I stumbled into something I now call this still point method, a way of using small moments throughout my day to change not how much I had to do, but how I felt while I was doing it. And so I wanted to build something I wish I’d had eight years ago. So you don’t have to stumble towards an answer that something is now here and it’s called overwhelm is optional tools for when you can’t do less. It’s an email course that fits into moments you already have. Taking less than ten minutes total a day. It isn’t about doing less, it’s about relating differently to what you do. I think it’s the most useful tool we’ve ever built.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:27  The launch price is $29. If life is too full but you still need relief from overwhelm, check out overwhelm is optional. Go to one you feed. Them. That’s one you feed them. So let’s flip it on its side. We’re talking about if I want to do a behavior, I want to set up a, I want to engineer a queue to happen that will start off a behavior which will then have a reward, and then that’s going to make it easier to to start the loop again the next time. So if on the other hand, I want to stop a behavior, the the term we might use instead of queue, at least coming out of the recovery movement is trigger, right? That’s the that’s almost the negative connotation. Right. It’s the same thing. Yeah. Something happens. I start to get stressed out as I’m hanging out with my children. And then there’s a behavior. Then there’s a reward for what we’ve got in our mind is we have a reward out there that we think is coming, and we want that reward.

Charles Duhigg 00:38:31  Yeah, you’re right, it’s a little bit different when we’re talking about changing habits as opposed to creating habits. And there’s this, this expression which is a terrible expression break a bad habit. Right. What we know is that if you try and break a bad habit, if you try and extinguish a habit, you can usually through willpower, do it for a little while. But oftentimes your willpower is going to give out at the worst possible time. When you’re stressed, when you’re overwhelmed, and at that moment you’re going to say like, screw it, I’m just going to go get a drink. So, so how do we handle that? The first thing is that we have to train ourselves to recognize, to figure out what the cue and the reward of this old habit is. Right? Okay, I know that. I feel like I need a drink every single time that I’m stressed. So for me, stress is the trigger. Stress is the cue to have a drink. And what’s the reward that it gives me? Well, like my body relaxes.

Charles Duhigg 00:39:21  Like I sort of say to myself, okay, I can’t I can’t worry about that anymore right now because I’m having a drink, I need to. I’ll just put it off for tomorrow. Right? I get to relieve some of that stress. Okay, now I know what the queue and the reward is. That pathway exists in my brain. The Q reward routine reward. If I try and extinguish it, I can for a little while. But it’s going to be really hard. What’s much better is instead of breaking a habit simply to change a habit, to find a new routine that corresponds to that old cue and that delivers something similar to that old reward, right? Okay. Yeah. So when I get really, really stressed, here’s what I’m going to do. Instead of going to a bar, I’m going to go to a meeting. Right. And I’m going to talk about what’s stressing me and out. And I know that if I do that, I’m actually going to feel better. It’s going to make the stress go away.

Charles Duhigg 00:40:04  So now I have a new routine that corresponds to that old cue and that old reward. That’s a much better way to change your behavior 100%.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:13  So to sort of try and summarize this, when we’re trying to create a habit, we are deliberately engineering a cue and a reward. We’re very much focusing on the cue and reward. If we’re trying to get rid of a bad habit, we may be able to do some work on cues. It’s a good idea not to put yourself in triggering situations if you don’t have to, but sometimes they’re unavoidable, right? Getting stressed is an unavoidable cue. It’s an emotional state. I can’t turn it off. So I’m going to have a cue. And when I and when I have an uncomfortable state, I’m going to want a reward, even if that reward is losing that uncomfortable state. So I can’t necessarily change the cue, and I can’t change the fact that I want a reward. What I can change in that case is the behavior that sits in the middle.

Charles Duhigg 00:41:03  That’s exactly right. And if you think about like what AA does, that’s exactly what AA does, right? It tells you like I mean, if you think about the 12 steps, like one of them is that you go and you you acknowledge all the mistakes you’ve made. And and that’s basically forcing you to recognize all of your triggers, all of your cues. Right. And then you’re told to focus on how to get what you’re looking for in other ways. Right. Like, if I’m feeling stressed out, I can come to a meeting, I stand up and I have to say my name, and I have to say who I am, and I have to tell you about my day, which gives me a sense of relief, the same way that going to a bar and having a drink sometimes gives me a sense of relief. When people talk about addiction from a clinical perspective. They talk about it as a habit. Dysfunction. Right. Smoking is a great example of this. So you’re only physically addicted to cigarettes for about 100 hours after your last cigarette.

Charles Duhigg 00:41:53  By then, the nicotine has left your bloodstream. Yeah. But we all know people who crave a cigarette a year, five years, ten years after they give up. Right. That’s not physical addiction. That’s a habit dysfunction. And a habit. Dysfunction exists in these same part of our brain as the physical addiction. And so it feels exactly the same. But the way that you handle it is you look at it as a habit, and you figure out that cue in that reward, and you find a new routine to put in the middle of them.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:20  Yeah. I mean, we used to have a phrase in in recovery, which is like, I mean, if all if all you need is to get sober, just go to jail for a little while, you will be physically sober. Right? Right.

Charles Duhigg 00:42:30  Right.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:31  You don’t come out of jail, and suddenly it’s fixed. And so many people I know focus on that first period. I was a heroin addict, and that was the thing.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:39  We were like, oh, my God, those first 72 hours. Well, yeah, that’s unpleasant. But it’s the next five years. The next five years that that tend to be harder. And I think the other thing that 12 step programs do is they address, in this case, they are addressing not just the behavior, they’re addressing the cue in that learning. So that, you know, my stress is at a four instead of an eight all the time, right? I’m learning exactly to exactly bring those things down.

Charles Duhigg 00:43:09  And and I know what to do when I hit that. Eight. Right. Within psychology this is known as an implementation intention that basically one of the things that works really well is if if we make a decision about what to do in a hot state. When we are in a cold state, we’re more likely to listen to our good advice. Right? So if I go, if I come up with a shopping list, not when I’m really, really hungry. But if I come up with a shopping list after having dinner, then that shopping list is probably going to be better than if I just go into the grocery store and I’m starving and I’m going to get Pop Tarts.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:41  Exactly.

Charles Duhigg 00:43:42  And so, so a lot of what recovery or or any other form of trying to change our behavior is about is about making decisions in a cold state, about what I will do in a hot state, and then coming up with ways to remind myself right when my stress hits an eight, I’m going to call my sponsor. And and like, it’s not like, should I call my sponsor? It’s the right time to call my sponsor. Nope. It doesn’t matter if it’s 2:00 in the morning, I’m going to call my sponsor and I tell my sponsor and my sponsor is like, yes, you do that. That’s okay. I want that phone call. Like, when we program that behavior ahead of time, that’s when it works.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:17  So we only have a few minutes left here. I would love to ask, 13 years later, from writing The Power of Habit. What have you learned that adds to what you know? What’s in the book that you would you think is important, that you would love to add now? Or anything that you feel like you would walk back a little bit?

Charles Duhigg 00:44:36  No, I think that, you know, super communicators helped me a lot with this.

Charles Duhigg 00:44:39  Super communicators is coming out in in paperback next week. And I think one of the things that I realized in writing it is that so much of how we relate to other people is built around habits, right? So in In The Power of Habit, I talked a lot about the habits that shape how we live. I talked less about mental habits, but we all have mental habits, right? We fall into mental habits, you know, whether we feel good about something or bad about something, whether we feel good about ourselves or bad about ourselves, whether we let ourselves get angry or we don’t get angry. And communication is how we verbalize those habits and oftentimes how we change them. The act of sitting down with someone and saying, look, this happened to me, this thing happened and I felt this way, and I want to feel differently. So let’s talk about how I do this next time better. That is the act of reprogramming our habits. And what I’ve been impressed by is literally any habit can be changed, like any mental habit can be changed and the physical habit can be changed.

Charles Duhigg 00:45:38  It’s just a matter of wanting to take the time to understand that habit and wanting to change it. And oftentimes the best way we do that is through conversation is by communicating with other people.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:50  Yeah, that’s really beautiful. And something I think about a lot because mental habits, they just run on repeat in such a way. Yeah. And so there’s this, there’s this almost case of how do I recognize the cue which is triggering the behavior, which is the thought pattern. And, and I’ve found, you know, and I’ve worked with people in an email course I have. We work on this of using prompts to get you to reflect on something multiple times during the day because just simple proximity. If I’ve just reflected it 3:00 on the fact that I want to offer myself more self-compassion, there’s a much better chance at 430 in the afternoon, I’m going to actually remember to do that. Then, if I write about it Sunday night as a vague intention, right?

Charles Duhigg 00:46:35  I think that’s exactly right. And I think you’re building a habit there.

Charles Duhigg 00:46:37  Right? You’re you’re deliberately saying, okay, look like like I’m going to I’m going to give myself self-compassion, like I’m going to do this every day three times a day. And the cue is that I’m going to get this, this text reminder from Eric that’s going to help me do it. Yeah, that’s really powerful. That’s how we change our behavior.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:52  And the last thing I’ll say is that when you talk about habits and communication, I’m glad you tied that together, because I think about how habitual my conversational patterns are with certain people, which is not bad necessarily. We have a rhythm, we have a way. But it does make it harder when I want that conversation to go somewhere different.

Charles Duhigg 00:47:15  Yeah. No, it’s it’s worth reflecting on so that you’re you’re empowered. You have an implementation intention. Yes. To change when when you want to.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:23  Well, Charles, thank you so much for coming on. It’s always a thank.

Charles Duhigg 00:47:26  You for having.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:26  Me. The Power of Habit was such an influential book on me and the way that I see the world.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:33  So thank you. Thank you for that. I’m glad it’s out in audiobook with your your voice on it now. And until next time.

Charles Duhigg 00:47:39  Until next time. Thanks, Eric.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:41  Yeah. Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity, but we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the One You Feed community.

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