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You Become What You Practice: What It Takes to Heal Individually and Collectively with Prentis Hemphill

December 2, 2025 Leave a Comment

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In this episode, Prentis Hemphill discusses how you become what you practice and what it takes to heal individually and collectively. Prentis explains how healing as an ongoing practice, the importance of embodiment, and the intersection of personal transformation and activism. Prentis also shares insights from their work in healing justice and the Black Lives Matter movement, emphasizing the power of community, somatic practices, and love as a force for change. This conversation highlights how cultivating awareness and relational skills can foster both individual and systemic healing, offering hope for more connected and compassionate futures.

Exciting News!!! Coming in March, 2026, my new book, How a Little Becomes a Lot: The Art of Small Changes for a More Meaningful Life is now available for pre-orders!


Key Takeaways:

  • Healing as an ongoing practice rather than a fixed destination.
  • The significance of embodiment practices in personal transformation.
  • The relationship between internal healing and external activism.
  • The impact of cultural practices and ancestral rituals on healing and community connection.
  • The interplay between self-acceptance and self-improvement.
  • The role of somatic awareness in understanding oneself and others.
  • The influence of aikido principles on personal and relational dynamics.
  • The importance of community and mutual aid in the healing process.
  • The challenges of navigating trauma within systemic contexts.
  • The transformative power of love and connection in fostering change.

Prentis Hemphill is the bestselling author of What It Takes to Heal, a groundbreaking exploration of healing, justice, and transformation. A therapist, somatics teacher, facilitator, political organizer, and writer, Prentis is also the founder of The Embodiment Institute and a leading voice in embodied leadership and collective healing.

Connect with Prentis Hemphill: Website | Instagram 

If you enjoyed this conversation with Prentis Hemphill, check out these other episodes:

The Nonlinear Path to Healing: Finding Wholeness After Trauma with Daria Burke

Healing Painful Patterns and Finding Freedom with Radhule Weininger

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Episode Transcript:

Prentis Hemphill 00:00:00  If you live inside of any culture that is different than yours, or if you look at your own culture more closely, you’ll see that there are these little like trails, like the little crumbs that have been left along the way of life. This is actually what we did to process big emotion, to realign as a community. Embodiment practices, I think, are one of our first languages as a species. Actually.

Chris Forbes 00:00:29  Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have. Quotes like garbage in, garbage out or you are what you think ring true. And yet for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking. Our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:14  When Prentice Hemphill says, you become what you practice. It sounds simple until you realize how quietly that truth shapes everything. Who we are isn’t just what we believe. It’s what we repeat. The ways we tense up under pressure, the words we choose when we’re scared. The things we reach for when we’re hurt. Those are our real practices. Prentice, who’s the author of What It Takes to Heal, says healing isn’t a finish line, but an orientation, something we live inside, not something we achieve. And that shift away from fixing ourselves and towards practicing who we are meant to be as at the heart of this conversation. We talk about embodiment, activism and the love that lives beneath both. I’m Eric Zimmer and this is the one you feed. Hi, Prentiss. Welcome to the show.

Prentis Hemphill 00:02:07  Hi, Eric. Thanks for having me.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:09  I’m excited to have you on to talk about your book, which is called What It Takes to Heal How Transforming Ourselves Can Change the World. And I think this is a really important question right now that I think a lot of people, including myself, are wrestling with.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:24  Right? Where is the internal change? Where’s the change I can do in the world? On what scale should I be trying to even attempt to do that change? And I think your book hits us from a lot of different levels, and I’m excited to talk about it. But before we get to that, we’ll start like we always do with the parable. In the parable, there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops. Think about it for a second. They look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

Prentis Hemphill 00:03:16  You know, I’ve listened to this show and I’ve listened to that parable before, and what I hear in it is a kind of piece of the work that I do around embodiment, which is essentially that you become what you practice, you become what you do over and over and through repetition. So to me, that is what that is underscoring. Be mindful of what it is that you do every day, because in the end, that’s who you will become.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:41  So let’s talk about that. That is something that I certainly highlighted as I was looking at your book. Is this idea of practice. You say at one point practice is the portal for change, which is a lovely line. And you talk about that idea that we practice kind of all the time and that we have practiced, whether we realize it or not, who we are right now. And so I think that’s a that’s a truth. And yet sometimes it feels overwhelming to think like, oh my goodness, every moment is shaping who I’m going to become like that.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:14  You know, so how do you work with that in yourself so that that feels liberating or healing and not oppressive?

Prentis Hemphill 00:04:21  That’s a great question. I think part of it for me is that healing in general is not something that I think I will ultimately achieve. It’s just, you know, I say it in the book. It’s sort of an orientation, a way that I live my life. And so that frees me up. I mean, it both limits and frees me up in a way to go, this is a journey, and I will discover things along the way, and I will never perfect this path. So I’m guided a little bit by what I can understand and what I’m curious about in this moment. So if I’m wanting to be attentive to a certain aspect of what it is that I’m practicing, I just let that emerge and show up for me. I may not get it all right or see everything. I may not get it all right in this lifetime, but I follow where my awareness, what my awareness allows me to see about myself and I.

Prentis Hemphill 00:05:09  I work with that. So I, I try to take a lot of the pressure off, even though I know it can feel really big. I try to take some of the pressure off from, for all of us of like, you know, we’re humans on this journey and that’s the that’s the ultimate thing.

Eric Zimmer 00:05:21  Yeah. You wrote something really beautiful about that that I highlighted. You say, when I started seeing a therapist, I hoped I’d be made anew after a couple of sessions. Don’t we all? It didn’t happen, of course, but over time, as I centered the practice of healing in my life, something else occurred, something more profound. My vantage point shifted. I learned that I could exist and even thrive with my trauma. As the space widened between the pain of it and my response, it didn’t overwhelm me anymore. I saw that it was only when I gave deep commitment to my personal transformation that real change happened. And I just love that that my my vantage point shifted and how that was even more profound.

Prentis Hemphill 00:06:02  Isn’t that an interesting thing? It’s like we go in wanting to fix ourselves or fix other people. I remember that. You know, when I started to see clients first in therapy, most people came to fix somebody else and they’d be like, why can’t you fix this other person from here? But yeah, what I found really significantly was this other thing that I could change. Actually, I don’t think that that was something that I was completely aware of in the beginning, that I could change the feeling and the qualia of my life would shift, that there were ways of being, in ways of feeling that I didn’t yet know. And I say that with people I worked with all the time, there are things to be felt that you have not felt yet. And that to me, is the real magic stuff. You know, when your you’re vantage point changes, when you’re like, oh, there’s actually breath here or this other emotion here or a longing here, where before there was simply reactivity.

Prentis Hemphill 00:06:58  There’s actually a lot more texture and nuance in space that changes the way my life feels. I find that the most interesting thing about, you know, kind of doing your work.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:08  Yeah. I was on Substack this morning and somebody posted a note. I don’t know who. I didn’t even pay any attention, but it caught my eye and it said, basically, like, I am so over coaching and self-improvement and over optimization and morning rituals and habits and, and I get like, I heard that and I got it on one level. Yeah. Right. Yeah, yeah. But then I also at the same time, like you think that there, there, there is ways to become more whole, more truly ourselves. And to me it’s, you know, the great Zen master Suzuki Roshi said, all of you are perfect the way you are, and you could use a little improvement.

Prentis Hemphill 00:07:52  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:53  And I think that’s the idea, and I feel like so much of this show is, is me exploring that dance between self-acceptance and self-improvement.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:02  I think the art is in knowing which of those to lean into at what time.

Prentis Hemphill 00:08:06  That’s right. Right. And knowing which one has kind of calcified into an avoidance or a punishment or whatever it might be, you have to and sometimes you have to find that you have to just enter into that and you go, oh, this is now this is no longer serving my exploration. It’s it’s serving something else.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:23  That’s a great word for calcification. I often think of just tendencies. Right. We have tendencies in a certain direction. And knowing what those are can be really useful.

Prentis Hemphill 00:08:33  Not right.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:34  Not locking into them like I’m this way because that’s not good. But recognizing like, oh, I tend to over correct in this direction can be really helpful.

Prentis Hemphill 00:08:44  I think. So, you know, I was teaching a course, I guess, a week and a half ago, and we were exploring some of these tendencies that we have, our kind of embodied tendencies, the things we tend to do under pressure and getting curious about that rather than the things that we think we do.

Prentis Hemphill 00:08:59  What does our body actually do? and it’s this delicate dance of not becoming over identified with that tendency, not becoming like, oh, this is the thing I do. Oh, I know what this thing is. This is what I do because it kind of closes it down. And once it’s closed down or locked in, in that way, we tend to lose some aspect of curiosity about it. And more than that, I think from an embodiment perspective, it loses its movement, its ability to change or shift or the subtle decisions that we’re making inside of that. To me, the thing that really harms us the most is when things become calcified or entrenched without awareness. And, you know, when we bring things back into movement, I think that’s where we have a lot more power, right?

Eric Zimmer 00:09:45  That’s the negative side of practice we were talking about, right? Habits are wonderful things. If they’re good habits. Yeah, but if they’re bad, that’s a it’s a whole nother animal because they are you know, they can be very difficult to unclassified but certainly doable.

Eric Zimmer 00:09:59  I mean I’ve, I’ve done it I know countless people who’ve done it, but. Yeah, but it’s hard. I had a question today. I thought about embodiment, and I thought I would ask you, as somebody who writes about embodiment and somatic practice. I think for me, it’s certainly been one of the things I’ve learned over the last ten years is how to inhabit my body a little bit more. Yeah, but today I was in the shower. And sometimes when I’m in the shower, I just like to do a little bit of mindfulness because it’s easy to do, right. Like there’s just lots going, you know, like, if I want to pay attention to my foot, there’s a lot going on. Then there normally is if I’m trying to pay attention to my foot where there’s, you know, relatively less going on. But I realized that I still am relating as if my foot is down there and its sending sensations to me up here.

Prentis Hemphill 00:10:54  Right?

Eric Zimmer 00:10:55  And I was curious, as somebody who has spent a lot of time in embodiment, is that your experience or is it your experience a different one than that?

Prentis Hemphill 00:11:05  Well, my experience is many things I sometimes experience myself as up here, my foot down there.

Prentis Hemphill 00:11:10  But I do, you know, all these years of practice, I do find that I have a way of being in myself that is much more integrated, almost like pulsating. My awareness can move around more than it used to, or the way that I was kind of trained to identify. I find that now I can listen from different parts of my body. I can respond from different parts of my body. Sometimes it makes me look a little weird when I’m talking to people because, you know, I’ll be like, what? You know, moving around. But I do feel like I have more access, more of the time. It’s not like, oh, my arms feeling something or my legs feeling something. There’s more like a awareness of the swirl of life that is moving through me at once.

Eric Zimmer 00:12:02  Yeah, yeah. I mean, I’m a longtime Zen student, and Zen is really into, like, the horror, you know, getting down into that space. And that has always been one of the harder practices for me.

Eric Zimmer 00:12:12  It still feels like, okay, I’m aware that there’s sensation there. I’m aware something’s happening, but I don’t feel like I’m in there in the same way that I feel like I’m in this head. Yeah. And so I’ve just kind of curious what your experience of that was like.

Prentis Hemphill 00:12:29  Well, you know, I have done some Zen training, too, and a lot of the somatic that I am trained in is actually based on a lot of aikido and, practice. So there is a lot of hara, a lot of that center sense. Recently, the way that I’ve come to understand it more is that actually there are different selves. It’s almost how I think about it. So the self that I think I am, that I’m very, very identified with it is real. That is me. The apprentice is oneself. When I am kind of in my center, in my hara more. And I’m not a, you know, there are people that are further along on the Zen path than me, but I’m just telling you my my experience is that the me that is there is actually a different me.

Prentis Hemphill 00:13:16  And so that me is actually much more like the timeless self. Almost in my belly, I can feel the universe. I don’t know if that makes sense, but that’s sort of how it feels for me. So it’s a little bit willing to have a different sort of relationship with who you even are. That allowed me to drop more into my centre and to Mahara.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:38  You say that much better than I do. You’ve got the right accent on it.

Prentis Hemphill 00:13:44  I studied. I studied a little Japanese for that.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:46  Okay. I sound like an Ohio and trying to say a Japanese word.

Prentis Hemphill 00:13:51  I’m from Texas.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:52  Exactly what I am. I’m glad that you brought up. I say a Kato. Is that right? How did you say it? Yeah, okay.

Prentis Hemphill 00:13:59  I’m not an expert.

Eric Zimmer 00:14:00  All right. All right. So it was interesting that you mentioned that was part of your somatic practice. And it’s one of those things that about every six months I end up with a browser tab open looking at the Columbus Aikido School.

Eric Zimmer 00:14:15  And I never quite seem to make it there. I never really go, but it keeps calling to me. Yeah, probably because of the Japanese relationship to that and Zen, but also the idea of an embodiment practice that is more than sitting there trying to feel your body. So I was curious kind of how you got into that and what your experience has been.

Prentis Hemphill 00:14:38  Well, I want to say two things to that, and I’ll answer your question first, which is that the somatic school that I started with, that was the foundation, the teacher who kind of, I’ll say, started or translated all his lineages into this lineage. He was an aikido master. So he went to his teacher and said, can I use some of these moves for somatic? So that is the way that I learned somatic is through aikido moves. It’s foundational for me. I then took aikido classes to have a kind of different, more traditional perspective on it. I think that it’s an important practice, especially for somatic, because it’s like, how do you work with energy and how do you work with the energy in your body? How do you work with incoming energy, and what are the moves that you have that are maybe outside of just simply being reactive to it? How can you transform this movement? So if I’m coming to you with a strike or something.

Prentis Hemphill 00:15:34  How can I take that strike and almost transmute? That energy is really a powerful set of skills to have inside of oneself. I will say in terms of, you know, practices that are not just sitting there, you know, I studied schematics. I talk about the work more as embodiment work these days because in a way, I want to open up what we understand as schematics or embodiment to understand the role that culture has played over time, that a lot of us don’t have practices anymore. But the people that came before us, our ancestors, certainly did have practices. And I would say all of our ancestors had practices, dancing of, you know, seasonal rituals of eating together for grief practices, birth practices. All of these, to me, in a way, are embodiment practices. And if you if you live inside of any culture that is different than yours, or if you look at your own culture more closely, you’ll see that there are these little like trails, like the little crumbs that have been left along the way of life.

Prentis Hemphill 00:16:34  This is actually what we did to process big emotion, to realign as a community. Embodiment practices, I think, are one of our first languages as a species, actually.

Eric Zimmer 00:17:14  Being predominantly German and English, I think R’s are a little further back there.

Prentis Hemphill 00:17:19  Are there still there though? They’re still there.

Eric Zimmer 00:17:21  I know, I’m joking.

Prentis Hemphill 00:17:22  They’re still there.

Eric Zimmer 00:17:24  You had a line in the book totally changing direction for a second that just made me laugh out loud. You’re talking about how your mom took you to lots of churches. And you said we’d visit the multiracial Pentecostal churches to make new friends, the black Baptist churches to see family, and the white Methodist churches when we wanted to leave on time. Yeah. So good, so good.

Prentis Hemphill 00:17:47  That’s true though. Black churches. I’m like, what are we doing? Why are we still here?

Eric Zimmer 00:17:52  I have gone a couple times to black churches with friends, and I think the first time I went, I wasn’t aware that I was signing up for half of my, you know, three quarters of my Sunday.

Prentis Hemphill 00:18:03  It’s a lot. It’s a lot. And sometimes my mom would just wake up and she’d be like, I don’t want to be in church all day. So we’re gonna go.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:11  We’re gonna go here. All right, so back to Aikido. Is that the same as judo, or is that something different?

Prentis Hemphill 00:18:18  I don’t think it’s the same as judo. And I’m going to show my ignorance. Is it? Judo was actually created as a mixture in Honolulu way back by some.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:28  You would know better than me.

Prentis Hemphill 00:18:29  I actually think that’s true. I think that’s true. All right. Correct me if I’m wrong. But Aikido, you know the path of peace. It has a different language.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:37  I want to go back to where the book starts, which is you really talk about what you call a false choice between internal work and external activism. Talk to me about how they go together in your mind. And we talked about getting calcified. I often feel like we get calcified in one of those two places.

Prentis Hemphill 00:18:59  Yeah. Yeah I would say when I started this work, you know, I originally started doing political organizing. I kind of talk about that in the book. And then I saw that there was something missing that we weren’t able to talk about that showed up in our relationships with each other and just how we were as people. And then I got really interested in semantics and trauma and went down that path. And luckily I was in a a school that could hold that complexity, but a lot of the larger world of healing and wellness and all of that didn’t know how to talk about systems, context, history. It was sort of allergic to that. And I struggled with that for a long time. And I mean, I still really my whole life is weaving all of that together. To go there is not just you and then the world that you are a part of the world. You’re kind of trained and shaped by the world, and you also recreate the world all the time through what you do.

Prentis Hemphill 00:20:02  I mean, the whole premise of this podcast, through what you put your attention on, it creates and recreates the world. And sometimes we don’t realize to what degree we’ve been either shaped by our, you know, for a lot of organizers, they weren’t aware of how deeply shaped they were by how they grew up or their families or their own habits. They weren’t aware of that everything was external to them. But then I would be another spaces, and people weren’t aware of how deeply shaped they’d been by their own history, by the the geography that they grew up in, by how different groups of people related to each other, that that also shaped who they were and how they behaved in this moment. And so for me, I’m like trying to just tell this more complete story of we are not only individuals, we are an individual is a is a social being that is always relating, always communicating, always building in a way the world through our actions and to bring some attention to that.

Eric Zimmer 00:21:01  You just said something there that kind of opened up for me an idea I hadn’t had before, because I often feel like systemic work feels to me like you can’t change it, right? To a certain degree, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:21:18  And so I default more towards an internal kind of work, a personal kind of work because it feels like I’ve got some degree of agency. But the way you just said that made me realize that yes, there is the changing the systemic element of it, but there’s another way to relate to that, which is to widen my view of what influenced me beyond. Just like if you’re trauma informed, you’re thinking a lot about your childhood, what happened to you in your childhood and what your parents did or what you know this person did that really hurt you. But when you were saying that, I was like, oh, but you can look at all the systemic pieces and bring that in as part of it, in addition to how you choose to engage to change those circumstances.

Prentis Hemphill 00:22:04  Yeah, that’s such an important point. I mean, I talk in the book about my own family life and my own story and the abuse that was happening in my household. And I talk about that because that trauma deeply shaped me.

Prentis Hemphill 00:22:16  And I’ve never been able to look at that trauma only as the set of actors did this. I also had to look at my father’s understanding of who he was and what he needed to do, and the constraints on him not as an excuse, but as a way of understanding how moments like that get created. Because if we are really concerned, in my opinion, with undoing those moments where children don’t have to endure the brunt or the weight of their parents lack of agency or, you know, powerlessness, then we have to understand the factors that really create it. The other thing I’ll say to your point is that, in a way, I think a lot of our culture really looks at our problems in an individual way. So if we look at systems, we go, I can’t affect that. How can I impact the system? I’m me. But systems require relationship to change. No system will change because you or I saw that they needed to be change. Systems change through relationship with other people and that’s how we can shift things.

Prentis Hemphill 00:23:20  So it necessarily brings us into relationship. There is a part where we go, how do I recreate the system in my own behaviors? But also if I’m committed to changing a system that actually requires working with other people?

Eric Zimmer 00:23:32  Yeah, yeah. As you were saying that, I was thinking a little bit about how I can reflect on my parents and I can think, well, they were that way because their parents, I’ve thought about following that, that chain up. But I’ve never really thought about the world that my grandparents grew up in, that much I can sort of grasp that world a little bit because I’m like, okay, it’s 1900s in America. I kind of know, I don’t know what that was like, but I, I have some context of.

Prentis Hemphill 00:24:01  Some of the factors.

Eric Zimmer 00:24:02  But go back two generations to what their life was like in Germany. I don’t have the foggiest clue.

Prentis Hemphill 00:24:08  Right? We can’t know everything. I mean, that’s the other thing, because a lot of people were like, I want to heal my ancestral trauma.

Prentis Hemphill 00:24:13  It’s like, yes, yes, and there are things we can know and there’s things we can’t ever know, but it’s really about like, how do I orient myself to understanding as much as I can, that human beings are always inside of a context. Human beings are always inside of a moment, and they make choices. And some of those choices are not the choices that are going to lead to more connection, more aliveness, more kindness. Sometimes they make choices that are really foundationally about fear. You know, I wish that my parents or my father had made a bunch of different choices, and I think there were points where they could have made different choices, and I understand them in context as much as I can to, and I hope my child grants me the same thing 100%.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:00  You know, I can look at my son at every stage of his development and what our relationship is like, and feel very confident that he got better than I got. And I’m sure there’s lots of blind spots in there, right? I’m sure there’s lots of things that he’ll be, you know, if he’s not already.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:19  He’s 26, you know, talking to his therapist about what his dad did, you know, like it’s it’s in there, you know for sure.

Prentis Hemphill 00:25:25  That’s right. I think about that every day.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:28  My kid well.

Prentis Hemphill 00:25:30  Sure, she’s only four. But I also think about, like, you know, sometimes I feel really stressed or sad about the state of the world. And I’m like, even though I’m there, you know, I spend a lot of really quality time with her. I’m like, you know, there will be things that she will pick up about what her parents were like in this moment, and she may be able to look at the context and go, okay, there’s a lot of pressure, whatever it might be, and it will still have an impact on her, on her life. And that’s just the way it is.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:58  So let’s talk a little bit about societal change, right? Because you mentioned you came up as an activist, right? And now you’re trying to really sort of blend the world of internal healing and systemic healing.

Eric Zimmer 00:26:12  And I was wondering if you could tell us about you were you were, I think, fairly prominent in the Black Lives Matter movement, and then you ended up having to step away from that for a bit. I was wondering if you could tell us kind of what led to that, and I’d love to hear how you’ve reengaged since then in a different way.

Prentis Hemphill 00:26:31  You know, it’s funny because people don’t ask me about that very often. I talked to a lot of people, and people don’t ask me about that, so I kind of appreciate the opportunity to speak on it. You know, my work in that ecosystem, that kind of movement and organization was I did this healing justice work. And so what it looked like was grief support. It looked like conflict support. It looked like connecting people with practitioners they could work with. And it was really hard. And I I’m not saying it was the hardest thing by any means. A lot of people were in really difficult positions, but it was really hard in one way because I remember feeling like I was having to look into the.

Prentis Hemphill 00:27:21  It’s almost like a black hole of, grief, of trauma, of despair that my community was holding because I don’t think, you know, a lot of people didn’t understand, you know, they didn’t understand at the time that it’s like when a public death like that would happen, you know, where people, you know, were like, oh, people are in the streets. What actually got activated was everybody’s story of that happening of something similar or losing somebody that it was actually every time it’s a massive trauma activation and people focus a lot on like what’s happening in the streets. But from my vantage point, I was like, oh, this is every time is a massive activation. I’m talking to mothers who’ve lost their children. I’m talking to siblings who are deeply traumatized and can’t go on with their lives. It’s huge. And it took a toll on me to stare in the face of that every day and to feel like, you know. I remember asking the question kind of to my own higher power.

Prentis Hemphill 00:28:21  It’s like, I actually don’t know how we are going to heal this trauma at this scale. I don’t know how to do it. I can’t think of a way to do it, and it feels like it needs to be done because it’s causing so much pain in people’s lives and relationally. I stepped away in 2018, so pre 2020, I stepped away because of the physical toll that it took on my body. I had a scare around a heart attack that, you know, my partner was just like, you’re done, get out. You’re done. But I think it was a lot of the the just incredible stress. I mean, I can’t even tell you how stressful that experience was is incredibly stressful, incredibly painful. And there are a lot of people under a big banner going in 100 million different directions.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:37  Eight years ago, I was completely overwhelmed. My life was full with good things, a challenging career, two teenage boys, a growing podcast, and a mother who needed care. But I had a persistent feeling of, I can’t keep doing this, but I valued everything I was doing and I wasn’t willing to let any of them go.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:57  And the advice to do less only made me more overwhelmed. That’s when I stumbled into something I now call this steel Point method, a way of using small moments throughout my day to change. Not how much I had to do, but how I felt while I was doing it. And so I wanted to build something I wish I’d had eight years ago. So you don’t have to stumble towards an answer that something is now here and it’s called overwhelm is optional tools for when you can’t do less. It’s an email course that fits into moments you already have. Taking less than ten minutes total a day. It isn’t about doing less, it’s about relating differently to what you do. I think it’s the most useful tool we’ve ever built. The launch price is $29. If life is too full, but you still need relief from overwhelm, check out overwhelm is optional. Go to one you feed. That’s one you feed. What sounds like there was both. What you’re describing is the looking into the black hole of suffering.

Eric Zimmer 00:31:04  Yeah. And then there was just all the tension and urgency of a new movement that is morphing beneath your feet every minute, and that you’re contributing to. You know, I don’t want to trivialize something like Black Lives Matter into being like a startup, but there’s that frantic energy.

Prentis Hemphill 00:31:23  Absolutely.

Eric Zimmer 00:31:24  Where, like.

Prentis Hemphill 00:31:25  Absolutely.

Eric Zimmer 00:31:25  Anywhere you turn your head, there’s a problem.

Prentis Hemphill 00:31:27  And imagine being in a startup like that where everybody feels like they’re a part of it. So what somebody else is doing over here? Yeah, everybody owns it. And you’re like, wait, what they’re doing over there isn’t. You know. Yeah. Aligned or matching up and there’s media. There’s narrative. There’s like yeah, I think for a lot of the things that we struggled with and I haven’t fully reconciled is like the story that was told versus what actually happened. There’s such a giant chasm between what people were doing on the ground and in their communities. And actually the beauty of a lot of what was happening. And then every day, I mean, we’d have a check in every day of like, this is the story that’s come out and you’re like, how do we get the story to come out about what it means? And so, you know, since then I will say that I was like, what did I learn during that time? What did I learn about groups of people and how we get along, and how we come together, and what sense we make of our pain, and how our pain can impede what it is that we’re trying to build.

Prentis Hemphill 00:32:37  What it means to really have a vision for the world that can include more people. I learned a lot, and I pulled back for a while, and I just spent some time kind of laying out my lessons. And that’s really what it takes to heal is like, these are the lessons I learned, not just about that movement, but what I learned about being a human being and what I think we might all embody a little bit more of to be in right relationship with each other and the world that we’re building. It’s really like taking my lessons from that time and offering them back to everybody. I mean, the book is for everybody.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:12  So this is a big question that I don’t know if you have the answer to, but it’s pointed to in the book a little bit. And I think about often, which is one of the things we’ve lost in modern days, is sort of the influence of religion or spirituality in a cohesive way. I don’t mean that people don’t have their own experiences of it, sure, but I mean, we can’t assume that if you bring 100 people together, most of them are going to relate in the same way.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:43  And so if you look at, like the civil rights movement, you can’t divorce it from the black Christian church. Yeah. And if you look at Gandhi, right. And and that movement, you can’t divorce it from the religious context that it was in. Yeah. That’s one of the casualties of modern life is we’ve lost that or I should say, for better and worse. But do you feel like that is problematic in trying to build movements today?

Prentis Hemphill 00:34:07  That’s a great question, Eric. This is another great question nobody ever asked me. I largely feel that our relationship with a big mystery, which shapes our relationship with uncertainty, is something we don’t talk about because we’ve lumped everything into religion and specific dogma. I’d say certain kinds of Christian church, and I understand why. One, it’s like not everybody practices the same faith. And that’s just the reality of of the world. And we want to be more inclusive. And I think what is shared, if we can be generous enough, I know sometimes, you know, religion gets into these, you know, turf wars or like turf turf on the mystery.

Prentis Hemphill 00:34:54  It’s like, I know the answer to the to the mystery. I think if we can back just an inch off of that and say we are all relating to and maybe we feel like we’ve gotten the right, we’re on the right path, but we’re all relating to this big mystery, this big source, this question of the big source. Because I didn’t get us here. I didn’t come up with this. I didn’t make you. You didn’t make me. Something else is at play. Whether or not it’s a giant equation, a simulation, whatever it might be, it’s much bigger than you or I. And inside of that is what is not yet what has been the mystery, the great logic. And I find that the black church in particular in the US has always it’s not even just about Christianity or Jesus. I think the way that we have engaged with that is to draw resource from the great mystery, to move us on a path towards love and freedom for all people. I think that is the remix that the black churches and other churches have done too.

Prentis Hemphill 00:36:06  And I think it’s really vitally important for us to engage with the mystery and let it humble us, but let it also empower us to do things that are greater than we thought we could do before. I think the last thing I’ll say here is that, you know, I’m often thinking about those that are very certain about God or think that God gives us certainty rather than mystery, rather than guides for engaging with mystery. And my hope is that we can admit our relationship with the mystery, with uncertainty. I think it humbles us. It rites sizes us to know that there’s something much bigger than us. But when we get too big and too inflated and too certain, we become, you know, almost, we imagine ourselves as surrogates for God and, you know, administrators of that certainty. And I’d much rather live in a world of humility, of big questions, of, you know, making attempts inside of this big, this big mystery. So short answer is yes. I think we’ve lost a lot by disallowing spirit into movements.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:16  Yeah. It strikes me that that certainty in religion also translates into certainty in certain type of activists. Absolutely. And I think no pun intended to a certain degree. Maybe you have to have that to have the clarity of purpose to move forward. Right? Like, I’m not a great activist because I’m like, well, what about this? And what about that? And what do you and I, if you pull on that, right, I’ll caveat the hell out of everything until there’s nothing left, right, left in my own devices. So I don’t make a great activist. You know, I’m a person who sort of rebels against certainty of any sort. Like all argue against a point I believe in. If the person seems to certain, which I think is some sort of perversity of personality that I have. I’m not saying that’s good. I’m just saying it triggers that in me. But it does seem that there’s a certainty to, I would say, people on all sides of the political divide that think they know the answers, like very specifically.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:20  And I’m like, we have no idea when you start. Like, our system is so complex. There are so many different things here. We don’t know, like, we could think that this thing is really good and then we don’t see the backlash that comes after it, which means that we then don’t see. Like that’s not a question. This is kind of a.

Prentis Hemphill 00:38:41  Yeah, yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:41  Yeah.

Prentis Hemphill 00:38:42  I mean, it kind of goes back to what we were saying about the calcification. It’s like the the dogma, our allegiance then to the dogma doesn’t allow us to pull back from it and go, what, what, what are the benefits and the limits of this? And I absolutely think there can be. Certainly in the political realm on all sides, a kind of, religiosity, you know, for your worldview. I think that that is actually the thing that scares me the most. I mean, it’s that certainty and I mean that for everyone that I’ve encountered, I, I feel less certain about where we’re going than ever before.

Prentis Hemphill 00:39:23  I do feel that, you know, the things that I understand about the body and our ability to like, process and face and come into deeper understanding about what it is that we are living in, are, I think that that has some some key, some key, because I think we’ve been avoiding being real with ourselves, feeling what’s here for a long time. So I sort of have a trust. It’s almost a vague trust In those processes of the body’s digestion, of experience, of history, of emotion, that what we then produce on the other side of that, the politics that a body that is a feeling body creates to me will be fundamentally more trustable than the politics on either side than an unfeeling and uncertain body creates.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:15  I mean, certainly history seems to show that. I mean, I don’t know if it shows the positive of what you’re saying, but it certainly shows the actual we don’t tend to end up with better situations once we overthrow the old one. Right? That that is, there is no guarantee that that is going to happen.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:31  That’s right at all. And you see the people who you think are the good guys suddenly then become the bad guy and you’re like, wait, what is going on here? Yeah. That’s right. And so your point is a good one. How have you reengaged in this work? Right where you are staring Tearing down. Maybe that’s the wrong word. Maybe. Maybe you would. You wouldn’t even use that word. And that might be part of it. But you’re back in this world where you are seeing the collective trauma, both individual and societal, of certain types of people, and you are working with those types of people. How is it not feel like you’re falling into a black hole again?

Prentis Hemphill 00:41:13  Yeah, I think that that’s a good it’s another good question, Eric. I more understand my role now and what I think is my role. I mean, I’m sure that will change and fall away and I’ll, you know, be tricked by the universe at some point. But, right now, my role feels like making creating this bridge and saying, hey, we can do this.

Prentis Hemphill 00:41:42  Hey, we can feel this. Hey, we can get to know each other. You know, I was talking to a good friend of mine who’s an organizer here, but is also a mystic, really. And he was saying, you know, I want to be in community where we can feel we can tell the stories of our pains and our hallelujahs, that all people can sit down and tell those stories. And I want that. I think I want that more and more. And I think what that does for me is like, I can’t save the day. And I thought I could, I thought that I could save the day. I thought that I could be skillful enough or, you know, whatever. I thought that I could save the day or even that we could save the day. And I don’t think that anymore. I think that all I can do is what I feel called and compelled to do, what seems to be my peace, to offer that I acknowledge people along the path that I see making their own clear offer.

Prentis Hemphill 00:42:42  You know when you can tell when someone’s making their offer and it just kind of rings, you know, it sounds like the bell. The meditation bell. You’re like, oh, that’s that sounds clear to me. To encourage those people to see each other, say, see you on the path, but not try to save the day, because that’s when I start to get, you know, my own ego gets inflated. I start to think of myself as a surrogate, you know, to God instead of part of a much a massive thing that I can’t understand. So to me, it’s about community. It’s about other people. I want to teach in a way that inspires but doesn’t have people glob onto me. And if I do that, if when I work with people, they go back to their own lives and go, oh, I want to try something different, that’s the victory for me. But if people are like, I want to listen to you all day, that is not the victory for me.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:31  Yeah, I do, you know, I think a lot of us are wrestling with where do we have an impact in today’s world? You know what? What do we do? And, you know, there’s that old, hippie bumper sticker, right? You know, think globally, act locally. Yeah, but I have been feeling that more to some degree. I think there’s a Buddhist saying of like, you know, you’re five feet of ground, you know, like the five feet that surrounds you at all times and the things that make their way into that five feet. Now, I also think we can we can go bigger than that. Sure. But that save the day attitude. It becomes a real limitation in a I mean, we can see the grandiosity aspects of it, but I think there’s also once you realize, like, I can’t personally do this huge thing and I feel out of control, like I feel like it’s all a little bit out of control. The tendency is then to go, well, I can’t do anything and succumb to despair.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:35  And that is where I actually feel myself at points with the state of the world teetering on. Yeah, you know, teetering on that point, which then causes me to go, okay, let me stay in my lane and do what I really know how to do. But then I sometimes feel like. But I’m abdicating the bigger. Yeah. Like, I and I don’t think I’m alone. No. In this feeling.

Prentis Hemphill 00:44:59  You know, it points back to that relational point. I just want to bring that forward again. I actually think this moment more than it can be the same, John. More than like self-help. I think we need relational help. Yeah, we need willfulness in how we do relationships, but also just to even understand, you know, we were talking earlier about how do I see myself, what’s the self that I identify with? Is it the deep self of the hara? Is it the self of my mind? What is it? It’s almost like that. I think there has to be a little bit of a reorientation to understanding ourselves as relational beings.

Prentis Hemphill 00:45:40  Things. You exist inside of relationships. I exist inside of relationships at every moment. The fact that I can do this podcast right now, without a four year old interrupting me, is because I’m in relationships with people that are tending to my child right now. I’m in relationships with the environment around me. I’m breathing out, you know, carbon dioxide, the trees like it. They’re giving me oxygen back. I am made of relationship. That is the reality. Yes. And we are trained to not see the relationships that we are embedded in that nurture our lives. So partly I want to say to us, it’s like the overwhelm feeling. And I say this thing all the time. People have heard me say it. Sometimes things feel like they’re too big to feel in our own bodies, and I think that is because they are that they require multiple bodies to process that thing. And we are really out of practice. Like our muscles are super atrophied around the collective Communal peace. Like how many people would feel awkward being in a collective grief process?

Eric Zimmer 00:46:45  Yeah.

Prentis Hemphill 00:46:46  Crying and yelling and stomping with other people. A lot of people would be like, no thank you. That feels awkward and weird. What I think is true is that a lot of the things that we need are just on the other side of weird.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:02  Well, yes, I think that’s true. And then there’s those things that are even one step beyond weird, which maybe we you know, I’m talking.

Prentis Hemphill 00:47:10  About.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:10  That. I don’t know how many, how many steps towards weird do we want to go. But but yes, yes. I mean.

Prentis Hemphill 00:47:15  I.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:15  Mean, well, yeah, I mean, I think, I mean today to say you’re a member of a 12 step group is kind of like, yeah, whatever.

Prentis Hemphill 00:47:22  You can say that.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:23  Yeah. But 25 years ago that that was a weird thing. That. Right. That was a weird thing. So I think there’s lots of lots of instances that and I agree with you a lot about this relational aspect. I have a friend who’s going through something very, very difficult and she will say, it’s too much for me.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:43  And I say, yeah, yeah, right. Of course it is. That’s right. Of course it’s too much for you. Yeah, it’s not too much for all of us. Yeah, right. And you have to bear the brunt of it. It’s not like me coming along. Right? I’m gonna. It’s gonna fix everything.

Prentis Hemphill 00:47:59  That’s right, that’s right.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:01  But the hardest and darkest times in my life are the times that I was forced. Yeah, into some degree of community. Yeah, yeah. Right. Like, just on my knees. Okay.

Prentis Hemphill 00:48:14  Yeah. That’s right.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:14  And those are the times that I end up changing the most and healing the most. And I do think there’s a modern challenge among people of we don’t get brought to our knees generally that often, which I think is a good thing. Right? I’m not I’m not advocating everybody have a life crisis on a regular basis so that that doesn’t happen. And we’ve also got these very individually engineered, comfortable little pods.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:41  Yeah, right. And the combination of those two factors makes it really difficult to get into community. I mean, we’re launching a community later this year. We’ve launched it to some of our people who’ve already been a part of it. And there’s a big part of me that’s like community, like, I don’t know if I wanted to, but then when I thought about like, what? Really?

Prentis Hemphill 00:49:02  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:49:02  Do our group of people need. Yeah, that’s the thing. I don’t know. I don’t know if people want it. Yeah, but I don’t know if anybody’s gonna want it and sign up for it and do it. But it’s funny because like AA gets labeled as a self-help group, you could not be further from a self-help group. Yeah. In any way, shape or form. It is not a self-help group. It is a group in which you help each other. I think it got labeled that because it’s not a you don’t go to a doctor.

Prentis Hemphill 00:49:31  That’s right.

Eric Zimmer 00:49:31  Right. But but to think of it in that way is to fundamentally misunderstand.

Eric Zimmer 00:49:36  That’s right. The nature of that.

Prentis Hemphill 00:49:40  That’s right. I think that’s so powerful. I think about the AA model all the time in our work. We have a a community, a kind of online community where people practice together. But part partly what I’ve been, you know, we’ve been kind of working towards and trying to take it slow and figure it out is that some of the people are coming online to the it’s called the practice ground. And then people are self-organizing in person once they feel ready to meet each other. And I’m like, that is that’s it, that’s it. And a lot of us need that first, you know, because of our generation or whatever it might be, we need first, like the online entry point. And then we’re like, okay, I’m going to I’m going to take another risk, which is actually meeting people in person. We’ve gotten for whatever reason, we’re twisted around. It’s much easier for me to meet you this way than to.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:27  You know, person.

Prentis Hemphill 00:50:28  Be in person. But to me, practicing community and really feeling our bodies and our lives. That is a lot of the recipe for what’s needed. And when I do embodiment trainings, there’s always people that are like, I came to this, but I don’t want to do any of this weird stuff, and I try to create it in a way that, you know, it allows people to to ramp up. But a lot to me, it’s it’s it’s really telling in our world that feeling your body is weird. That’s really telling to me. Being with other people is weird. Feeling your body is weird. Even getting a hug is weird. Touching each other is weird because we’ve primarily sexualized it. There’s a richness to our experience of being a human beings and being alive that has been relegated to strange, awkward, weird that I’m like, I really want to retrieve that because I think there’s some important keys for this moment in that.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:27  Yeah. That’s beautiful. As you were talking, it occurred to me two things.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:30  One thing I thought of is like, maybe some of these communities ought to cross meet. Like, you know, this community is going to join this community today for this practice session, right? Like, you know, there might be some energy in that. That would be interesting. And yeah, I mean, my first foray into this was we I had this program used to be called Spiritual Habits, and it was called Wise Habits. And people would sign up and we’d meet as a big group on, on Sundays and on a Wednesday nights. I divided people up by time zone and they met together virtually. I wasn’t there, I wasn’t any part of it. And one of the things I’m most proud of are those groups that still exist. Wow. You know, two, five, you know, years later, the ones that have met in person, the ones that describe each other as, you know, their family. It doesn’t happen every time, which is part of what I’m trying to solve with a community, is to be able to engineer it a little bit better and be able to sort of, you know, nurture it Nurtured along, but those are some of the things I feel best about that I’ve accomplished.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:33  And ultimately, it’s not about me. Like, to your point. Those things only work if when I disappear. Yes, they keep going because if it relies on me, there’s only so much of me, right?

Prentis Hemphill 00:52:45  That’s right, that’s right. It’s such a skill for leaders or people that create or however you identify yourself, to let yourself be a spark rather than, you know, the kind of central flame like let yourself be a spark a little bit more and disappear and go somewhere else and do something else and let community build.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:02  Yeah. I mean, there’s so much of your book we’ve not even gotten close to yet. I’ve got a lot of notes here, so I’m going to try and see if we can hit a couple of them here. One of them that we talked about a little bit is in the section on practice. You share a story about being wanting to be a basketball player. You were somewhat athletic, but you were a terrible basketball player. You got cut from the team and then you worked with somebody who just taught you all the the basics again and again and again and again, and you learned the muscle memory to do these things.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:33  And you go on to then say, I don’t think it’s a far jump to assume that we can just as easily learn ways of relating to our emotions and engaging with one another that can become as embodied as our ability to make a free throw or swing a golf club. The key in each case is practice.

Speaker 4 00:53:52  That’s right. That’s right.

Prentis Hemphill 00:53:54  Yeah, I say this a lot. When I go around, I ask people to think about when they learned how to drive and that driving, we call it driving, but it’s actually a bunch of discrete movements and me learning how to do a layup. The the trick was learning that a layup is actually many moves that you make and getting those moves together, and that it’s not dissimilar to me learning in my family, for example, that there was only one person who could express anger. And so it didn’t mean that I didn’t feel anger. It meant that I couldn’t express it. So what did I do when I felt it flare up? Well, I learned how to, you know, slack my face.

Prentis Hemphill 00:54:34  I learned how to, like, push my body back. I learned all of these discreet movements that made my anger imperceptible to a person that might have been, you know, activated around that anger. And I learned how to do it over time so well that I almost couldn’t perceive my own indicators of anger. It’s amazing. Yeah. It’s like, I don’t think we we consider how physical or emotional expressions and emotionality can be and that we’re learning all the time. Okay, this isn’t acceptable. All right. I’m going to comport myself in a way that keeps me safe or or I can maintain belonging. and we do that in our families. We do that in our society. We start to shape ourselves through practice to convey what we think is necessary for us to convey now. Some of us, like myself, are not consistently as skillful as that. My face will betray me often, and show what I really feel. But, you know, a lot of us do that. we comport ourselves in order to maintain the status quo.

Prentis Hemphill 00:55:44  So that’s what I mean. It’s like we do that. We learn that. And bringing our awareness to to how we do that is actually the key to start to unravel and allow different things to happen.

Eric Zimmer 00:55:56  Yeah, I couldn’t agree more. I think our thought patterns are nothing if not habitual and repetitive, and we have learned them and they are wired in, you know. Well, I don’t like the word wired in that, but they are they’re in the nature of being wired in. Right. Yeah. And the good news is I do think you can change them. The bad news is it takes a lot of reps, right? Right. And so much of like the the wise Habits program that I taught and my book that’ll be coming out next year is like, what is a method to catch that stuff often enough? Yeah, that you can actually start to work with it because for most of its it’s operating under the level of conscious awareness. It’s this strange thing that we can be completely lost in an emotional state or a thought state, and also yet be completely unaware that we are like, it’s it’s a strange human phenomenon, I think.

Eric Zimmer 00:56:47  But I just loved you tying that directly, that the processes are the same. That’s right. Right. The process of learning your thoughts, like how you think is the same way that you learn to drive, and it just happens automatically. And there are ways to slowly untangle all of that.

Speaker 4 00:57:04  That’s right.

Prentis Hemphill 00:57:05  Through awareness. Through awareness and practice. Yes. You got to keep practicing that layup. You got to keep staying with the anger a little bit, because maybe you’re in a space where it can actually be received now, but you got to stay close to it and practice. And again, it’s Everything that we need is on the other side of awkward. So can. Can you let yourself be a little bit awkward? You’ll learn a lot.

Eric Zimmer 00:57:27  Maybe that’s the title of your next book.

Prentis Hemphill 00:57:29  Oh my gosh. What?

Eric Zimmer 00:57:30  Everything we need is on the other side of awkward. I don’t think I’d call it weird. I think that’s going to be a problem, but awkward. We all relate with awkwardness.

Eric Zimmer 00:57:39  Yeah, yeah, we all know what that’s like. Speaking of your book, I didn’t ask this beforehand. Do you happen to have your book? Yeah, yeah, I was going to ask you to read something to finish up. Sure. So I thought where we could end is where you end your book. The last chapter is called love at the center, and it’s a beautiful chapter. And I really love the way the book ends. And I was wondering if you could close this interview up by reading that last section?

Prentis Hemphill 00:58:06  Sure, I’m happy to. The love this book speaks to. The love that it takes to heal is a verb to be practiced out loud. It is the love found in listening, the love of hard truths. It is the love of showing up for one another when it’s risky. It is the love of this inescapable web that compels us to care for the land and its sacred sites. It is a love that compels us to remember and relearn what has been lost. It’s a love that lets us arrive present to this time.

Prentis Hemphill 00:58:37  A love that, like the light from the sun, provokes a flower into its full bloom. Love can do things no other force can. It is only through love that we are ever really changed. There’s a love to be practiced. That can tear down the walls of anything in its way. I believe in this destruction, but only for the sake of love, so that love can be set free in our relationships and our institutions and our cultures, and so that it becomes the shaper of our futures.

Eric Zimmer 00:59:06  Amen. So Prentice is going to join me in the post-show conversation, where we’re going to talk about courage and how conflict is like a video game listeners, if you’d like access to that. This post-show conversation, other post-show conversations, ad free episodes, a special episode I do each week. And most importantly, if you would like to support a show that really needs your support. Go to one you feed net. Thank you so much for joining me on the show. I’ve really enjoyed this conversation.

Prentis Hemphill 00:59:38  Thank you. It’s been such a treat, Eric. I’m honored.

Eric Zimmer 00:59:41  Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity. But we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the One You Feed community.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

Embracing Uncertainty: The Key to True Intimacy and Connection in a Chaotic World with Prince EA

November 28, 2025 Leave a Comment

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In this episode, Prince EA discusses the importance of embracing uncertainty as he delves into the key to true intimacy and connection in a chaotic world. He explores what it means to be truly present, mindful, living consciously, and how daily choices shape our lives. Prince EA shares his personal experiences with depression and healing through spirituality, science, and creative expression. The conversation explores meditation, the value of not knowing, and the power of community and self-inquiry in overcoming challenges, ultimately offering hope and practical tools for living a more conscious, fulfilling life.

Exciting News!!! Coming in March, 2026, my new book, How a Little Becomes a Lot: The Art of Small Changes for a More Meaningful Life is now available for pre-orders!


Key Takeaways:

  • Mindfulness and its significance in daily life
  • The concept of conscious living versus being on autopilot
  • The parable of the two wolves representing fear and love
  • The impact of habits on personal development and mental health
  • Personal experiences with depression and the importance of self-awareness
  • The role of spirituality and science in understanding mental health
  • The importance of social support and community in recovery from depression
  • Different meditation practices and their benefits
  • The distinction between “insane” and “unsane” mindsets
  • The value of curiosity and openness in relationships and personal growth

Richard Williams, better known by the stage name Prince Ea, is an American spoken word artist, poet, rapper, filmmaker, and speaker. After graduating Magna Cum Laude from the University of Missouri-St. Louis with a full scholarship and a degree in Anthropology, he initially pursued a career as a hip hop artist. Inspired by artists like Immortal Technique and Canibus. In 2014, Prince Ea shifted his focus from music to creating motivational and inspirational spoken word films and content. His YouTube videos have received over three billion views, and he covers a wide range of topics such as environmentalism, race, work-life balance, and spirituality. Today, when he’s not creating, Prince Ea speaks at conferences and gives lectures to high school and university students nationwide on the topics of self-development, living your passion, and the importance of being motivated and engaged in the classroom.  Prince EA’s work is widely recognized including Oprah’s Super Soul 100 and Forbes 30 Under 30.

Connect with Prince EA: Website | Instagram | Sauna Sessions Podcast

If you enjoyed this conversation with Prince EA, check out these other episodes:

Gradual Awakening with Dr. Miles Neale

Deconstructing Yourself with Michael Taft

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Episode Transcript:

Prince E.A. 00:00:00  So many of us don’t live life. Life lives us. And I think it’s up to us to really live consciously. This is why mindfulness is so important.

Chris Forbest 00:00:15  Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts. We have quotes like garbage in, garbage out or you are what you think ring true. And yet for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf.

Eric Zimmer 00:00:59  I’ve heard before that every moment asks us a simple question Will I choose fear or will I choose love? And I’m often skeptical of that. And then I realize I have a real tendency to overcomplicate things.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:12  And choosing love over fear is how Prince E.A., the poet, filmmaker and creator whose spoken word videos have reached billions, sees the world not as something happening to us, but something were invited to live consciously. We talk about what it means to stay awake inside the 35,000 or so decisions we make each day, and how mindfulness isn’t meditation on a cushion. It’s remembering to be here for a single breath, a single cup of coffee, a single kindness. Because the little things aren’t little. They happen to be exactly where our lives actually happen. I’m Eric Zimmer, and this is the one you feed. Hi, Prince. Welcome to the show, Eric.

Prince E.A. 00:01:54  I’m so happy to be here. Thank you for having me on.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:56  Yeah, I am really excited to talk with you. You talk about a lot of the same things that we talk about on this show, in your videos and your courses. And so I think we’re going to have a lot in common here. But before we get to all that, we’ll start like we always do with the parable.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:11  In the parable, there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops. They think about it for a second, and they look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

Prince E.A. 00:02:42  Wow. Thank you for sharing that. funny, I wanted to film a video on that a long time ago, and I still might, because it’s such a powerful, potent story. It’s a parable, right? It’s, you know, hundreds of years old. So it’s time tested. And what does it mean to me? It means that we have a choice.

Prince E.A. 00:03:01  I have a choice. And I think it comes down to the two wolves, which for me, it’s either fear or it’s love. I think these are the two forces that play in our dimension, in which we inhabit on this planet. And I think at every moment we have that choice to choose either fear, limitation, anger, this very negative vibration, I would call it. Or we could choose love, which is more open, which is more compassionate. And I think the more that you feed one of them, the more that will grow. Right. And it was not Hahn who said, he says nothing can grow without food. Not the anger, not the hatred, and also not the joy and not the happiness. So that’s what it means to me. And it’s a it’s a very powerful, powerful metaphor for life. And it really comes down to each moment. Which are we feeding in each moment, each decision. Because that’s what our lives are, right? It’s an accumulation of the small moments.

Prince E.A. 00:03:57  There’s a movie I love. It’s, vanilla Sky. I don’t know if you remember that film with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. I don’t, it’s a beautiful film. One of my favorites haven’t seen in years. But I always remember this quote in the movie. He says, oh, the little things. There’s nothing bigger. So it’s the little choices. Are we going to choose fear or are we going to choose love?

Eric Zimmer 00:04:20  Yeah. And I think what’s interesting about what you just said about little choices is that it’s the little choices. And it seems like the choices are inconsequential. They’re so little. Right. And there’s so many little moments of them and they feel like well there’s not really a good or bad here. There’s not a love or fear here. This is just I’m making my coffee, I mean, and I’m going to do the next thing. But but it really is, as you’re saying, the more intentionality we can bring to our choices. I was reading something I always forget where I get what I get from my guests, but it was something you had said about some scientists believe we make 35,000 choices a day.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:59  And you said, I don’t believe that to be true, because so many of those choices are happening automatically, right? We’re not conscious of the choice. We’re not conscious of which Wolf might be getting fed. You know, it’s just the default autopilot. And again, some of that’s a human advantage, right? I can’t make every choice. I can’t be deliberately moving my hand right now. Right. It’s just kind of it’s doing its thing. But the more of them that are deliberative, you know.

Prince E.A. 00:05:27  100% it’s habits. You know, I think we all know James. Clear atomic habits, right? One of the most powerful books written in the last freaking decade. It’s all about cultivating those habits because, you know, they say the first part of our lives, we make our habits. In the last part, our habits make us. I think that’s so true. And it’s so important for us to get in front of these habits. Yeah, we still got a chance Because we really don’t want to be a victim of life.

Prince E.A. 00:05:56  So many of us don’t live life. Life lives us. And I think it’s up to us to really live consciously. This is why mindfulness is so important, to be mindful as you’re pouring the coffee and you’re not just thinking about, okay, what do I have to do at work? I’ll tell you a parable which you may have already heard, but there was a story of the Buddha. He met a very, very impatient disciple, and the disciple he said, Buddha, Buddha, can you enlighten me right now? And the Buddha says, I can enlighten you right now. It takes time. You have to cultivate these practices. It says, please, please, this is just enlighten me. Just, just, you know, I got I got a plane to catch. I gotta, I gotta get out of here. Please, please. And the Buddha, he said, okay, here’s what you do when you eat. Eat and when you walk, walk. And it really is just that simple to do what you’re doing right.

Prince E.A. 00:06:50  To really be in it. Right? You’re not thinking about what’s going to happen two years from now or two minutes. You’re really in the moment. And this is what all the sages, all the gurus talk about the power of the now.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:01  Yeah. It’s funny, you and I were talking beforehand about my newly discovered love of surfing, and that’s really it, right? Is that when I am surfing, there is nothing else. You know, that’s it. It is that moment entirely. All my attention, all my focus. It’s just all right there. Yeah. And that’s probably the key to it. Is it does that better for me? Easier. Right. That that state is easier for me to achieve on a surfboard for some reason than it is other times. But it’s always worth striving for.

Prince E.A. 00:07:37  Yeah I mean we’re talking about flow. We’re talking about being in the zone. We’re talking about being in the now I think it’s the Japanese. They call it mushin the Daoist. They call it the Dao.

Prince E.A. 00:07:48  Right. That eternal noun. This is what we’re all looking for. And the funny thing is, you’re never not in it. It’s just the mind that tries to go to the future or go back to the past and rehash that mess. The breath is a good doorway to the moment, to the now. You know the breath is always there. And if we can just come back to the breath that will bring us to that place of beauty. You know what we’re all searching for. They say the true tragedy in life is not in how much we suffer. The true tragedy is how much we miss, how much of the beauty that we just walk past or run past. Not even aware of what’s happening. So to cultivate mindfulness, I think it’s the number one most important thing to really live a happy, fulfilled life.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:35  I’ve heard you say that you don’t love that phrase.

Prince E.A. 00:08:38  Because.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:39  Who wants a full mind? Yeah, and it is a phrase that has gotten way overused, but it doesn’t change the simple fact that being aware of what’s going on in our mind and around us is kind of the whole game.

Prince E.A. 00:08:52  Yeah, that’s the cheat code.

Speaker 4 00:08:55  Yeah, yeah, that’s the cheat code to beat the game. Yeah. That’s that’s it. Yeah. I don’t like that. It’s funny, I like you. You did. You did your homework. Yeah. Mindfulness is an interesting, you know, language.

Prince E.A. 00:09:05  Language is power. It depends on how I’m feeling, I guess. You know, but mindfulness. Sometimes I use, awareness or mindful awareness. Presence awareness. All of these are words that really point to the same thing, which is just coming back to the witness. Just witness. Don’t get involved in the thoughts. Don’t get it. Just just witness. Just watch. There’s a guy, Anthony de Mello. He said, don’t try to change your life. Just. Just watch it and then it’ll change. Then it’ll change.

Eric Zimmer 00:09:33  He is a great seer and his writing is very confrontational too. It is. No no BS like he’s not soft footing around any of it. You know it caught me off guard first reading it I was a little bit like whoa hang on buddy, take it down a notch.

Eric Zimmer 00:09:47  But but he’s speaking the truth. You know, speaking the truth.

Prince E.A. 00:09:50  I think the truth sometimes has to be told in a way that shakes you up.

Eric Zimmer 00:09:54  Yeah. For sure.

Prince E.A. 00:09:55  You know, because we don’t change when we’re comfortable. That’s a message for me. I think that’s definitely part and parcel of my success, and it’s something that I have to also remember that it really is about the package. It’s about the package. It’s not just about the message, but it’s about the packaging. Right. It’s like if you go to a restaurant, it’s a five star Michelin restaurant, and the waiter brings out the food and they bring it out on a paper plate and give you some plastic utensils. The packaging isn’t right. Yeah. Yeah. So it’s it’s really it’s the same thing. The one you feed, how you serve the food has to be packaged in a way that I think really does justice to it. And I think what you’re saying is Anthony de Mello, he was very, very forthcoming, very to the point, very poignant.

Prince E.A. 00:10:47  Yeah. In in the way that he communicated. And I love it. And I think the most powerful people. Martin Luther King I mean, he man, he that guy he was cutting. He was cutting. He cut through. Yeah. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:58  Behind me there’s a statue of a bodhisattva called Manjusri. And one of the reasons I love Manjusri is he’s, you know, got one hand on like a lotus. Right. But the other one is holding a flaming sword. And that flaming swords job is to cut through ignorance. And that’s kind of what we’re saying here, is sometimes that’s the cutting that needs to occur.

Prince E.A. 00:11:21  That’s beautiful. You got to send me a picture of that after we finished. I love that. I’ve never heard of him.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:27  Yeah, he’s a bodhisattva in the Mahayana Buddhist tradition. So, changing gears, I’m wondering if we could talk a little bit about you and your challenges of depression. You made a video with a I don’t know what the group was. It’s a group that supports mental illness recovery.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:45  Is it called impact? Maybe. Yeah, it’s quite a video of you’ve got depression as a person sitting in a in a crime room, right? I was really moved by it. But talk to me about, you know, when you had depression and what was it like?

Prince E.A. 00:11:58  Yeah. Well, you know, I grew up on the north side of Saint Louis, and, you know, my family were very like, I don’t know, traditional in the sense of most people where I’m from, we don’t really go to therapists. So I say that to say I was never clinically diagnosed. I never got on medication or anything like that. I didn’t go to church or I know a lot of people are like, you know, just pray it away or you know, Jesus will take the will and make it go away. I think there’s an element of spirituality that can indeed help depressive states. Yeah, but I also think there’s a science. And I think we need to kind of look to the science.

Prince E.A. 00:12:38  I love the Dalai Lama. He’s I know he’s in some in some hot water these days. He always says, hey, if science disagrees with Buddhism, we might have to rethink. Buddhist teachings, and I love that. I say that to say I was never clinically depressed, but I looked at all the symptoms and I definitely experienced depression throughout my adolescence. And also, I do feel as though just my own awareness that my brain that I have could be. Biochemically, I believe that it may lean naturally towards that state because I know that if I don’t ingest certain minerals, supplements do certain things, it just kind of goes that way. It can still be here, but I’ve also trained it through different therapies. CBT reboot Buddhist tradition is also a good, fortification of the mind and to not believe in the thinking mind stoicism, I can kind of rally off all the names of the things that I’ve studied to help me. But it all started, I think, like I said, my adolescence definitely experienced, you know, some suicidal thoughts.

Prince E.A. 00:13:48  They weren’t like every day. But there were some points where I woke up and I just didn’t want to be here. I didn’t care about my parents, didn’t care about friends, just didn’t want to go outside. Right. These are kind of classic depressive symptoms. And then I just started looking into it. I just started trying to understand it and came across a book from David Burns called Feeling Good. The new Mood Therapy came across. Books like the Tao Te Ching, came across traditions like Advaita Vedanta. Say that you were not these thoughts, you were not the thinking mind. Thoughts come and go like clouds in the sky. Watch your thoughts like you’re crossing the street and you watch traffic. So these different things, what they did was they gave me distance. They gave me distance from the thoughts. I wasn’t the thought itself. I wasn’t tied up in it. I could actually observe it. I could watch it, I could be mindful of it. And just that awareness was a huge relief, a huge relief.

Prince E.A. 00:14:47  But I think the depression was also a bit of a gift because it allowed me to look within and, you know, find out what was going on under the hood. You know, what kind of nutrient therapies amino acids could I play with to change the hormonal balance in my brain? So I always tell people to think that they are depressed. I say, you are not depressed. You are experiencing depression. Who you are is not depressed. Who you are can observe that depression, and it’s difficult to understand that when you’re in it. Yeah, learn. Helplessness is a huge thing. But I love the work of, He was a scientist and he created something called Learned Optimism. And I think we can retrain our brains, as we were talking about earlier, to see the good, to see the positive, to just shift our perceptions. There are so many tools that I always tell people it’s not hopeless. It’s not a hopeless situation that you’re in. In fact, you should be very hopeful because there are so many tools out there in our modern world today that you just have to find it.

Prince E.A. 00:15:51  You have to find the right one that works for you. So, you know, going back to my story, I think depression played a role. It forced me to try to understand it. And I think at one level, it also allowed me to bring out the creativity inside of me, to bring out the vulnerability inside of me. You know, I started out as a musician and, you know, musician is like a poet. It’s a very vulnerable art form. And so I was very vulnerable and very vocal about what I was going through. And, you know, when I would create music, I would find my audience. They would say, oh, I feel the exact same way. Thank you for putting that out there. And then that’s how you build community. That’s how you build friendships. That’s how you build connection. Connection came from the expression which some say is the opposite of depression. Depression. While, you know, I think it is a virus. I think that it can also be an opportunity, an opportunity, a signal, an alarm that something’s off.

Prince E.A. 00:16:47  You may not be living the life that you’re meant to live.

Eric Zimmer 00:16:50  Yeah, I’m very similar to you. I think I have a brain that orients towards that direction when I let it off its leash, you know, and I, like you, have found that there’s a lot of different things that contribute to managing it. There’s a lot of different tools. And I’ve had to, over the years, kind of put together my little depression recovery kit. You know, mine’s going to look different than other people’s. But but knowing what’s in that kit becomes very important. And as you were talking about the thoughts, I was thinking a little bit about, you know, part of the problem with depression is that when I’m in it, when I’m experiencing it, I like your phrase. When I’m experiencing it. Right, I can know that my thoughts are not correct. I can be like, look, you know, your brain’s not working real well today. And, you know, ignore those thoughts. And underneath it, there’s still this like air feeling, you know, and I’ve talked on this show many times about sometimes I treat it a little bit like the I call it the emotional flu, you know, which is that when it comes, I treat it a little bit like I would the flu, meaning I don’t make a big fuss out of it.

Eric Zimmer 00:17:56  I don’t take myself to the emergency room. I make sure am I doing everything I can to support myself. I know that while I’m sick, the world’s going to look kind of crappy. You know? I let it kind of roll now. That’s again after having dealt with it head on. So I’m not saying that’s always the case, but for me, becoming aware of the fact that, like, there’s some degree of this low mood that feels like it’s a companion of mine, that doesn’t seem like it’s gonna completely go away. So how do I work with it as skillfully as I can? And to your point, you know, what opportunities does it present? You know, I wouldn’t be doing the work I do like you if I hadn’t had it, you know, I wouldn’t be doing the work I do if I hadn’t been a heroin addict. I mean, all these things contribute to our lives being meaningful. They’re part of our story.

Prince E.A. 00:18:44  That’s it. I love the analogy of the puzzle pieces put in, and everybody has their own puzzle that they have to put together.

Prince E.A. 00:18:51  Right. Like, I think social support for just the human species is it works. Right. So that’s a big one. Yeah. The thing about depression is like when you’re in it, that’s the last thing you want is to be around people. Yeah. The very thing that can allow you to come out of it is the thing that you’re, like, pushing away, which is another trick.

Eric Zimmer 00:19:12  Totally. Even things like movement. Right. Like, we know movement helps, but the last thing you want to do is move when you’re feeling depressed. Exactly. It is challenging in that way. How do you work through that?

Prince E.A. 00:19:24  Well, you know, I haven’t had the need to work through it lately. Yeah. But in the past, well, just that book. Right. So that book by David Birds is so powerful, right? You know the book, right?

Eric Zimmer 00:19:36  I do, yeah.

Prince E.A. 00:19:37  Yeah. So this book actually created a practice of its own called Biblio therapy. People got better just by reading the book.

Prince E.A. 00:19:44  It’s got so many tools in it. I think if you read the book or if you study CBT, which is cognitive behavioral therapy, or as I like to call it, crushing bad thoughts, you will find a list of ten cognitive distortions. Print this list out, put it on your refrigerator. Put it anywhere that you can see it. Because I feel like whenever we suffer 99% of the times, it is because of one of these ten cognitive distortions, period. But when you see it, you can see, oh, there it is. My brain’s just trying to trick me again. Right. So you observe it. Yes. Depression is something you really can’t think your way out of it. You can’t intellectualize your way out of it. This is why I think behavioral activation is one of the more successful treatments for depression. Yeah. Moving. But like you said, you don’t want to move. So this is why having that good social support, that network is so, so important. That’s the biggest thing.

Prince E.A. 00:20:40  I mean, this is the reason why I like to study cultures. You know, I got my degree in anthropology and I love Dan Buettner. His work on the blue zones where you have people rights, people who are, you know, centenarians, they live well past 100 years old, and they’re healthy. They’re happy, they’re vibrant, they’re still having sex. They’re still, you know, watering their gardens. They’re still playing with their great, great grandkids. They’re still riding the bike. And you know, this is baffled a lot of scientists for years. And they really finally figured out why they live so long. And it’s because of their friendships, because of the love that they have around. Right? They a lot of them have the same friends that they had when they were kids when they were ten now, and they’re 110, they have the same people around them. So the human animal, I think we do need each other. And when we get in these low mood states, We have to trust the people around us.

Eric Zimmer 00:21:36  Yeah, yeah, I think that’s really true and really important. And those other people can be the things that do help us do some of the things that we need to do, you know, that are good for us. But one of my favorite quotes is depression hates a moving target, right? So for me, that’s kind of it. It’s like, just get off the couch. It doesn’t even matter what. Just be moving, you know? And how much I’m able to do may vary. I may be like, well, you know, today I’m not going to get on the peloton bike and do a crushing hour, a ride. But I might walk, you know, around the block.

Prince E.A. 00:22:09  Yeah. Here’s something else you don’t even have to move, but it simulates moving. But a sauna, a sauna or an ice bath, both of those things. I mean, you can just sit there, right? And you are making physiological changes in your body. You are helping your nervous system.

Prince E.A. 00:22:27  You are fighting depression when you just sit there so you can sweat it out and you can shiver it out, too.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:33  Yeah, or you can do both. That’s my favorite. Back and forth.

Prince E.A. 00:22:36  Back and forth. Okay.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:38  Yeah, but you brought up sauna, so you’ve got a fairly new podcast that you do in a sauna. You basically have people come join you in the sauna. Why do you choose to do a podcast in the sauna?

Prince E.A. 00:22:50  You know, I just like doing stuff that’s never been done. Yeah, I’m one who takes the road less traveled or not even paved, I should say. So. I wanted to do something different. And also, I’ve had a lot of good conversations inside of saunas, you know, at the gym, at the club, you know, so it’s like, what about having conversations with celebrities, scientists, cool people just inside of a sauna as we as we sweat out the toxins and the BS, what’s what can happen? Yeah. So we landed on a sauna.

Prince E.A. 00:23:22  We tried to figure out how to get the equipment inside the sauna without melting. We figured it out.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:27  Yeah, it sounds really good. I was like, I can’t believe how good this sounds for being in a sauna.

Prince E.A. 00:23:33  Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, thank you. Yeah. That’s that’s my producer Dustin. He works magic but we got it. It’s an infrared sauna. It’s not a dry sauna so it doesn’t get that hot. But so we do 20 minutes in the sauna and then we do another 20 minutes outside the sauna for like what we call a hydration session, where we sit, we get like a foot bath with Epsom salt. We drink, coconut water and we continue the conversation in our bathrobes.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:59  This sounds like a good podcast gig.

Prince E.A. 00:24:01  I haven’t had any complaints. Oh, yes, they love it. Come by. We can. We can get in.

Eric Zimmer 00:24:06  All right. I will take you up on that.

Prince E.A. 00:24:08  Awesome.

Speaker 5 00:24:31  Eight years ago, I was completely overwhelmed. My life was full with good things.

Speaker 5 00:24:37  A challenging career, two teenage boys, a growing podcast, and a mother who needed care. But I had a persistent feeling of I can’t keep doing this, but I valued everything I was doing and I wasn’t willing to let any of them go. And the advice to do less only made me more overwhelmed. That’s when I stumbled into something I now call this still point method, a way of using small moments throughout my day to change not how much I had to do, but how I felt while I was doing it. And so I wanted to build something I wish I’d had eight years ago. So you don’t have to stumble towards an answer that something is now here and it’s called overwhelm is optional tools for when you can’t do less. It’s an email course that fits into moments you already have. Taking less than ten minutes total a day. It isn’t about doing less, It’s about relating differently to what you do. I think it’s the most useful tool we’ve ever built. The launch price is $29.

Speaker 5 00:25:38  If life is too full, but you still need relief from overwhelm, check out overwhelm is optional. Go to one you feel. That’s one you feed.

Speaker 6 00:25:52  So I want to talk a little bit about meditation.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:55  It’s a big thing in your life, a practice you’re really into. And I wanted to just sort of start and ask you a little bit about what is the type of meditation you’re doing these days. How has that changed over time? How does it vary week to week, month to month? I’m just kind of curious how you approach that big topic.

Prince E.A. 00:26:14  First of all, I want to say I love your questions. I love your vibe. I’m so excited to talk about these questions because they’re super important. I don’t think there’s anything more important than the topic of meditation. I do believe that meditation is the anti-virus software that can cure a world of all of its ills. Meditation is not something you do. It’s actually a state of being. I think there are portals into that state, but I think the portals have gotten a bit confused.

Prince E.A. 00:26:45  But the portals of meditation, they vary. Right. I’m a big tantra guy and I know people listening to this. They might say, oh Tantra, you must have crazy, wild sex, I’m like, no.

Speaker 7 00:26:59  No no no no no no.

Prince E.A. 00:27:00  See, this is what the commercialization of spirituality has done. So, so Tantra is a science and one of my favorite books, the Vinyasa Bhairava Tantra. It speaks of 112 tantric practices to reach the point of what they call Bhairava oneness, Krishna consciousness, Christ consciousness, whatever name, Nirvana. Only two of them have to do with sex. One that has to do with sex really doesn’t even have to do with sex. What it is, is, they say at the point of orgasm, you put your mind fully on God. So I love the practices of tantra because they take meditation. I’m using air quotes. They take meditation off the mat. They take it out of lotus and bring it in the world. Right? Yeah. One of my favorite is space spatial awareness.

Prince E.A. 00:28:00  Right. So I don’t know if people are driving. If you’re driving, don’t do this. But if you’re sitting in a room or maybe when you pull over or you sit in your office, I want you to just look around and ask yourself, what do you see? And when I ask people this question, they say, oh, well, I see chairs, I see a desk, I see a window, I see people and I say, okay, yeah, but you miss that which was most abundant The space which allows all that to inhabit the space is what we are space. I feel like if there’s any religion or any god that should be worshipped, it should be space, because space is the most abundant thing in the universe. Matter is very, very, very tiny. Any physicist will tell you this, but this is just one to really focus on. The space you can focus on. The space in between my words. So when you’re speaking to somebody, you put your mind attention on the space.

Prince E.A. 00:29:03  And what happens is your mind starts to take the form of the space. So this is something that people can do anywhere, anywhere. It really brings you to this non-dual awareness, this piece, this feeling of home. One of my favorite gurus in this saga, Dada maharaj, he’s got a quote that I have on my wall and he says. He says, having never left the house. You have been searching for the way home, having never left the house, you have been searching for the way home. We search. Search and search in life for joy and happiness and fulfillment. And what he’s saying is it’s already here. It’s you. It’s not something you even have to do. It’s your very nature. It’s here and now. I love this practice, this tantric practice, one other meditation that people can do in their daily life that I like to do from time to time, is a walking meditation that I got from Tik, not Hanh, the Zen Monk bestselling author. We mentioned Martin Luther King earlier.

Prince E.A. 00:30:06  Martin Luther King nominated Not hard for a Nobel Peace Prize. And what you do is when you’re walking, you can be in nature. You can be in your office. When you’re walking, you want to focus on your breath. And with each step You want to breathe in. And as you breathe in. You say to yourself, I’m here. And you breathe out on the exhale. You say, I am home. So I am here on the inhale. I am home on the exhale. And you do this as you walk. And as you walk, you imagine your feet are kissing the earth with every step. So you say I am here, I am home. And as you walk you kiss the earth with every step. And what you’re going to notice is your pace is going to slow down, and you are going to be filled with so much joy and presence and aliveness with this meditation. So this is another one of my favorites. Let me give you three just to finish the Trinity off.

Prince E.A. 00:31:10  Let’s see what else I got. So this is one that I got from a guy named Steven Wilensky. I don’t know if you’re familiar with this guy, Steven Wilensky.

Eric Zimmer 00:31:18  I’m not. I’ve followed you on all the references so far, but you’ve got one here, I don’t know.

Prince E.A. 00:31:23  Okay, so Stephen Walensky is like, there’s a few people that I want to meet in the world. I’d probably count them with one hand. And he’s probably at the top of my list. Okay. He’s an author. He’s written so many beautiful books. He’s done documentaries. I have no idea where he is now. He kind of just disappeared. He’s probably in deep meditation somewhere. He was a disciple of the guy that I mentioned. The saga of Maharaj and Stephen Walensky had a meditation where what you do is you well, first, you obviously you, you know, you bring yourself to this moment. You relax your face, your jaw, your eyes, your shoulders. Take a breath. And then you ask yourself, without using your thoughts, associations, perceptions, emotions or memories.

Prince E.A. 00:32:12  Am I an American? Am I Russian? Am I Ukrainian and my Canadian or neither. And then you do that again, you say, without using your thoughts, associations, perceptions, emotions or memories. Am I black and my white and my Asian or neither? And then you go deeper, you say, without using your thoughts, associations, perceptions, emotions or memories. Am I a man? Am I a woman? Or neither. And then you go deeper without using your thoughts, associations, perceptions, emotions or memories. Am I a human being? Am I even a spiritual being? Or neither. And what you do is you stay in this gentle, non-judgmental awareness. This is our true nature. This is home. This is who we always were. Without a name. Without a label. This is why the, the Hindus, if you look at the Sanskrit word nirvana. People think nirvana is this state of, just ecstasy.

Speaker 7 00:33:53  And.

Prince E.A. 00:33:54  Amazing bliss. Actually, the word nirvana means extinction.

Prince E.A. 00:33:58  There’s no more you there?

Speaker 7 00:34:01  Yep.

Prince E.A. 00:34:02  So that meditation alone, I think, is a shortcut to pretty much what every spiritual tradition points to, which is the oneness.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:14  Right. What’s really interesting about that type of meditation, as you said, is getting to that place when you’ve suddenly said, I’m not any of those things. To go, well what am I. And to really look at that and if you’re able to stay with it, you know my experience is what you will find is like I don’t know. Yeah. But as you were talking, I can never pronounce that spiritual teacher’s name.

Prince E.A. 00:34:38  Miss Sagar Dada maharaj.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:40  Yeah. You know, he’s got that idea of, you know, you abide with that sense of I am.

Prince E.A. 00:34:46  Yeah, right.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:46  That’s it. Nothing after it. I am. Because when you do that, you’re like, well, I’m clearly there’s something here. Like something is. But but what is it? Where is it? What is it? You just suddenly start going like.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:59  Well, I don’t know. There’s nothing here that to find. And it’s a mystifying, sometimes mildly disconcerting state, if you can get to it, but also deeply freeing.

Prince E.A. 00:35:09  Only for the mind. Only for the mind.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:12  That’s fair. Yeah.

Prince E.A. 00:35:12  Because the mind wants to figure it out. It wants to objectify that which cannot be objectified. The eye cannot see itself. The knife cannot cut itself. The mind cannot truly know itself. What’s what’s behind it. You can’t get there with the mind. It’s not the right tool. I think the last step of the inquiry is when the questions themselves disappear.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:37  Yeah, I was out today. I’ve been meditating in nature recently. I’m teaching a retreat this summer at Kripalu about nature and connecting with nature as a way. And so I’ve been really engaging in that practice. And I started reflecting on something I heard recently. It was some book about human development or evolutionary past, and that there was a time that we were human, but we didn’t have language to imagine.

Eric Zimmer 00:36:06  What that might be like is a fascinating thought experiment, because most of our thoughts are words that we’re saying to ourselves. But if you didn’t have those words, what is the experience of being? And I found that as a really interesting thing to reflect on. You know, and I do that sometimes as like to your point, if not using memories, you know, not using language even. Yeah. What is this is a really powerful way for me to get closer to that state of being.

Prince E.A. 00:36:38  Wow. Yeah. Because the word is not the thing, right?

Eric Zimmer 00:36:42  It’s it’s the dial that can be named. Is not the doubt, right? Yeah.

Prince E.A. 00:36:47  Yep yep yep. So that’s how we get caught up. We get caught up in the words. So that’s a fascinating thought experiment.

Eric Zimmer 00:36:54  Yeah exactly. Well but we must have been thinking. We must have been thinking. Right. Yeah. You know, but we didn’t have the words. And it’s just it’s similar to me when I try and imagine what it might be like to be an octopus, for example.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:07  It’s just a fun way of trying to say, like, there are states of consciousness that are very different than the ones we inhabit, and what are the different ways of kind of getting closer to those and being able to see with those eyes? I’m a Zen practitioner primarily, and one of my teachers said to me once, and I thought this was so wise. We do a lot of koan practice in Zen, right? And they’re nonsense, right? At first glance, they’re nonsense. But the advice I was given is sometimes imagine what the state of mind would have to be for the person who said that and believes it to be true. Instead of going, that doesn’t make any sense. That’s nonsense to say. What state of mind would I have to be in that? That would be true. It’s it’s sort of a reverse engineering way of entering into the mind, and you can’t do it. Exactly. These are all just tools, portals to use your word. Right? You know, that’s another one is when a spiritual teacher says something that you’re like that.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:07  That sounds nuts. One way of approaching is go. Well, what would their mind state have to be for that to be true? You know, we’re just kind of playing with ways of getting deeper, powerful.

Prince E.A. 00:38:17  I mean, I gotta you can’t see I got chill bumps here. I mean, that’s it. That’s empathy. Right? Empathy. The Greek word to see through the eye of the other. I mean, that’s that’s it. I mean, there’s another meditation that I love. It’s called to install the guru. So what you do is, is you visualize your guru or your teacher, your enlightened master, and from the feet to the head, you imagine that their body merges with yours. You have installed the guru into this self which is very similar. Like what state of mind would that have to be in? Right to believe that powerful love that air. So good, so good.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:20  Do you have a spiritual teacher that you actually work with, or do you feel like your spiritual teachers are primarily the people that you read? I mean, I know you’re a voracious reader, just as I am.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:32  Do you have teachers that you actually work with, or is it been more your sort of quote unquote gurus or the people we’ve talked about that you’re reading?

Prince E.A. 00:39:40  Yeah, yeah, the latter. I’ve definitely attended seminars and like Byron Katie and I love her. Gangi and Eli Jackson Baer, who were disciples of a man named Papa ji. And, you know, being around some of these people, but never on like a 1 to 1 student disciple. I’ve never had that, but I’ve just been so touched by so many masters. You know, I think Ram Dass was one of my first on ramps into spirituality and, you know, Timothy Leary. Robert Anton Wilson. I’m a big science guy, too. So people say, oh, science and spirituality, they don’t go together. Why not? Well, science is the empirical pursuit of the truth, and spirituality is the experiential pursuit for the nature of what’s real.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:27  Yeah. They should go together. They should. I mean, because you’re seeking the truth.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:31  In both cases, sadly.

Prince E.A. 00:40:32  Yeah. So I never had a direct teacher. I think that that’s not to say I never will. I do believe that everything that we need is within us. Sometimes we are grace to be able to see that. And sometimes people need a master or a guru to point to it and tell them that actually you’re already that you don’t even need me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:53  All these stories of people like Ram Dass, when they saw their guru and they instantly were, like, transformed, has made it difficult for me to work with Zen teachers, which I found to be beneficial working one on one with a teacher because my mind is always like, well, is this a truly enlightened being? And it’s kind of silly, right? In a way, because it’s almost there, more like a spiritual friend than they are. Like a guru, right? But in the Zen tradition, there are I don’t like this word, but I don’t have a better one.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:24  There are correct responses to koans that have been passed down for thousands of years. And your teacher is the one who’s like, yep, good, let’s go on to the next one. Or, you know, very politely, some are more polite than others. You know, you need to sit with that some more is what my teacher would always say, which was the polite way of saying, nope, you do not have it.

Prince E.A. 00:41:44  Yeah, yeah, I love koans, by the way, and I’m so happy that you study that. I’ve got books this stick on all the koan. Yeah, yeah. You know, it’s what I’ve gotten from it is actually you become the answer.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:59  That’s exactly it. The answer is always that, you know. Yeah, it’s a little of that game we talked about a minute ago. Like what would it be like to be in the mind, you know. What would it be like to be the distant temple bell ringing? You know, that’s one. How do you stop the sound of a distant temple bell ringing? Right.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:22  You can’t get to it. Right? You know. And so it’s about you become that thing. Some of it, to me, has been an imaginative exercise, which turns out to be a powerful approach.

Prince E.A. 00:42:33  Love that. Yeah. That’s it. That’s it. Yeah. Koans. Oh, my. What’s my favorite koan? Yeah, the sound of one hand clapping. Classic. Probably the most famous one. Yeah. Yeah. Does the dog have Buddha nature? Moo. Moo? Yeah, exactly. Classic mood. Yeah. So there’s so many beautiful ones. So many. They’re. They’re great. I love them so much. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:56  There’s a book that you might like. If you haven’t read it, it’s called Bring Me the Rhinoceros.

Prince E.A. 00:43:01  Maybe that sounds very Cohen like.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:04  Yeah, yeah. Bring me the rhinoceros by a Zen teacher named John Tarrant. T a r r t. It’s another one of those. Where. Yeah. I mean, basically, that’s the end of the koan.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:14  Bring me the rhinoceros. Which of course, is just nonsensical, but, you know.

Prince E.A. 00:43:18  Yeah. So good.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:19  But that’s a really great book about koans and about sort of a modern approach. And he’s a beautiful writer and teacher. He’s really gifted. If you’re into koans, that’s definitely one to read. Okay. Me the rhinoceros.

Prince E.A. 00:43:34  Write it down. Now bring me the right. Bring me the rhino. Cool. I’m on it, I’m on it.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:39  I loved what you said about meditation, about bringing them into more of the moments of our lives, taking them out of, you know, just a formal sitting practice. I’ve got a program called Spiritual Habits where we try and take the science and behavior change and apply it to spiritual principles. And that’s really the key piece, is like, it’s great to believe in these things. It’s great to think about these things, but you need them in the moments of your life. And so you’re talking about doing that. Do you have a formal practice that you do regularly, or is it kind of just depend at different phases of your life, different things?

Prince E.A. 00:44:12  I don’t have a formal practice.

Prince E.A. 00:44:14  It is very spontaneous. I think throughout the day what I find happening is just a reflex to come back to the here and now. But I don’t do the, you know, the 30 minutes in the morning or the Osho, I think, you know, he said, man, actually, I think it can be useful. But I think when meditation becomes regimented, very militarized, we can miss the, the beauty, the life of it. Yeah, the spontaneity of it.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:43  So of more interest than that actually is what you just said, which is you reflexively come back more to the present moment. How did you train yourself to do that? Because what I think is one of the biggest problems to what we’re talking about, which is having these moments throughout our day where we connect back to the moment, our deeper nature. Whatever you want to connect back to? Is that we forget? Yeah. We get busy and we forget. And so to me, the Holy Grail is when you begin to sort of, as you’re saying, you’ve trained this into yourself a little bit.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:16  So it is a little bit more habitual to turn back towards the present moment or turn back towards your deeper nature. And so it sounds like you have done that to some degree. Are you able to think back to how you got there?

Prince E.A. 00:45:30  Well, I think there’s different paths for different people. I feel that it is good to have, like in the beginning, to have structured pockets within your day that maybe you do nothing. Maybe you’re just in a state of wonder or just give yourself that space, that openness, that awareness. But for me, it was really the practice of self-inquiry, asking myself repeatedly, who am I? To whom do these thoughts come to? To whom do these thoughts come to? To whom do these thoughts come to? And recognizing that, number one, there’s no verbal or intellectual answer to that. The question just dissolves. And it was at that deep recognition that I realized that a lot of the spirituality, just like a lot of the psychology is, is kind of just a game of the mind.

Prince E.A. 00:46:20  And I think once you recognize your true nature, you’re kind of out of the game that glimpse, you just can’t unsee it. Yeah. You just can’t go back to, I think, how it was. If you really saw the illusion for what it is, you can’t really get. In my experience and this one’s experience, you can’t really get caught up. So I think really recognizing it first and not just from an intellectual level, but really from a deep seeing because, you know, so many teachers, even like Addie Ashanti and so many teachers.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:52  One of my favorites.

Prince E.A. 00:46:53  Yeah, yeah. Well, they they speak about like it’s just being an accident. They say meditation makes you more accident prone, right? Yeah, but it’s like it’s it just kind of graced. So for me, it was that practice of self-inquiry that Ramana maharshi, the sage of Arunachala, his words of to whom do the thoughts come to? Where do they arise and what do they subside to? Yeah, just that recognition.

Prince E.A. 00:47:23  The more that you see it, the more that the pockets of awareness and the space is going to arise.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:28  Yeah, yeah. When you were talking about the meditation on space and all that, it made me think of, there used to be this meditation app on the phone. This was a long time ago, and it has since, I don’t know what it’s called. It never got updated. You can’t use it anymore, but it was this kind of amazing app where it would play a sound. I don’t remember what it was, whether it was a little bit of music or what it was, but your job was to tap the button when the sound went away. And so what you were watching for was that disappearance. You are watching for things that have come into existence to disappear from existence, and it was just a totally different way of doing it than what most of us are doing. And I love that app. I wish it still existed because it was just a fun. And when I say fun, I mean like I enjoyed doing it, it was effortless to kind of sit and do it.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:21  You know, you can do that with anything, right? We can go outside and do it right. Yeah, we can notice the sound when it comes. But we can also notice when it’s gone. Yeah. Be like well where’d it go.

Prince E.A. 00:48:32  That’s it I love that I love them. We might have to work on that and get that app back up and running or create our own.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:38  That’s I’m down if you you want to partner on that for sure.

Prince E.A. 00:48:41  Great. Awesome.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:42  I want to ask you a question. I’ve heard you use this phrase before and you’ve talked about the world being not insane, but unsane. I’m just curious. That’s an interesting slight change of words there. Talk to me about what those two things mean to you.

Prince E.A. 00:48:58  Well, like all words. They’re all useless. but for me, insanity is one thing. I actually, I believe I got this phrase from Alfred Kozinski, author of Science Insanity. Beautiful book. Of course, he created a language called English Prime.

Prince E.A. 00:49:19  And in this language, this is a very scientific language. You don’t use the verb to be. You don’t say, this is a microphone. This is a mason jar. You say this appears to be a mason jar. This appears to be a microphone. And his whole premise on doing that is because absolutism and certainty has created so much harm and violence in our world. And when we can get more skeptical about our language, like we said earlier, the word is not the thing. The map is not the territory. It humbles us. You don’t say, oh, Bob is angry. You can say, oh, Bob appears to be angry right now. It softens us. Yeah, it’s more aligned with reality. So the Unsane mindset is, I think, the mindset of certainty of this is the way it is. But for me, I always prefer to, as the Daoist say, the I don’t know mind or the Buddhist say the beginner’s mind, right? The expert. What’s the old saying? You probably know this one.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:31  This in the beginner’s mind, there are many, many possible experts. There’s few or. Yeah, something like that.

Prince E.A. 00:50:38  Yeah. So I think the world, we’re very definite. We don’t have that level of, of doubt or uncertainty to say maybe I’m wrong or it’s just a beautiful state of being to be able to say, I don’t know, because it’s like in our world, you turn on the news, everybody knows. OS. Everybody is so 100% certain about everything.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:01  Oh so certain. I know there’s that great Bertrand Russell quote, which is I won’t get it right, but it’s something like the problem with the world is that the intelligent are uncertain about things, and the idiots are so sure of themselves. Right. Like I butchered that someone I’m sure can create it. But it was this idea that so many people are so certain of themselves, and usually their certainty is problematic.

Prince E.A. 00:51:22  Yeah, yeah. And this is what I call not insanity, but insanity.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:26  That’s a good word for it, because insanity has a more specific framework versus insanity.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:31  I like that you’ve given me two different authors that I’ve never heard of, which happens so rarely on this show. I’m so excited.

Prince E.A. 00:51:38  Yeah, I feel like we’re gonna do that for each other. The boat is behind you. I don’t have no idea. Yeah. I hope we have a great, friendship, and I. I’d love to compare notes on all of these amazing things, but I think what we’re doing here is really bringing people to a more same way of living and viewing To know something means that that something is dead. You never know your partner. You can never know them because they’re always changing their living organism. They’re taking in new information. They have so many dimensions, but.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:09  We think we do. It’s that looking again, looking more closely. And in Zen, we would say not knowing is most intimate. And I love that idea, because when you don’t know something, you give it your attention. And that’s where intimacy arises. When you know something, you stop looking.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:26  Your intimacy fades.

Prince E.A. 00:52:28  That’s it. Love it. Wow.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:31  Well, we are near the end of our time. Any sort of last thing you’d like to leave listeners with based on where your heart and mind is right now?

Prince E.A. 00:52:39  I think from what we spoke about, if somebody’s listening, maybe just one person is kind of aligned or feels something about what we said to really go into deep with your full heart. And we talked a lot about space. We talked a lot about silence and meditation, and one of my favorite quotes is from Rumi. He says, silence is the language of God. All else is poor. Translation.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:07  That’s a beautiful place to leave it. Thank you so much. This has been deeply enjoyable. I’m so glad to have gotten to have you on.

Prince E.A. 00:53:13  So much fun. Thank you so much for having me. Let’s do it again. Yeah, in the sauna maybe.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:18  Okay. Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:28  Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity, but we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the one You Feed community.

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How to Live Gratefully When Life Isn’t Going Your Way with Kristi Nelson

November 25, 2025 Leave a Comment

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In this episode, Kristi Nelson discusses how to live gratefully when life isn’t going your way. She explores how to learn to cultivate unconditional gratitude – appreciating life itself, even amidst difficulty, aging, or illness. Kristi shares insights from her cancer journey, explores the difference between circumstantial gratitude and deeper gratefulness, and offers practical exercises for embracing aging with self-compassion. Together, she and Eric discuss mindfulness, the impermanence of life, and how to find meaning and presence in each moment.

Exciting News!!! Coming in March, 2026, my new book, How a Little Becomes a Lot: The Art of Small Changes for a More Meaningful Life is now available for pre-orders!


Key Takeaways:

  • Concept of “gratitude without conditions” and its significance.
  • Difference between circumstantial gratitude and deeper, unconditional gratefulness.
  • Personal experiences with mortality and illness influencing perspectives on gratitude.
  • Importance of mindfulness and living in the present moment.
  • The role of impermanence in cultivating a meaningful life.
  • Cultural narratives around aging and the pressure to defy it.
  • Embracing the natural process of aging with grace and acceptance.
  • Practical exercises for self-acceptance and connection in the aging process.
  • Shifting perspective from obligation to opportunity in daily life.
  • The interplay of joy, grief, and the complexity of human emotions in the context of gratitude

Kristi Nelson is the author of Wake Up Grateful: The Transformative Practice of Taking Nothing for Granted and also The Gratitude Explorer Workbook. From 2014 – 2023, she was the Executive Director at A Network for Grateful Living. Kristi’s work as a consultant includes uplifting the power of gratefulness through teaching, speaking, interviews, and writing. Her current focus revolves around celebrating aging as a miracle, privilege, and opportunity worthy of our celebration and appreciation. Being a long-time stage IV cancer survivor moves Kristi every day to live and love wholeheartedly, and to support others to do the same.

Kristi’s work in the non-profit sector has focused on leading, inspiring, and strengthening organizations committed to progressive social and spiritual change, including the Buddhist Peace Fellowship, Spirit in Action, Institute for Jewish Spirituality, Wisdom 2.0, and The Center for Contemplative Mind in Society, among others. She has also served as Executive Director of the Women’s Fund of Western Mass, founding Director of the Soul of Money Institute with Lynne Twist, Director of Development at Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health, and Director of Development and Community Relations for the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society. Kristi received her BA from UMass/Amherst, a graduate certificate in Business and Sociology from Boston College, and her Master’s in Public Administration (MPA) with a concentration in Leadership Studies, from Harvard University. Every day she cherishes the blessing of living among beloved friends, family, and farmland in western Massachusetts.

Connect with Kristi Nelson: Website | Sign up for Kristi’s Monthly Museletter

If you enjoyed this conversation with Kristi Nelson, check out these other episodes:

Why a Grateful Mindset Matters: A Conversation with Kristi Nelson (2023)

How to Practice Gratitude For Year Round Benefits: Special Episode!

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Episode Transcript:

Eric Zimmer 00:00:00  Hey friends, we’re working on a special episode of The One You Feed in collaboration with Proxy Podcast with Joe Shaw, and we want to hear from you. If you’re struggling with an addiction that doesn’t often get talked about, or you feel like no one quite understands your experience and you’re feeling stuck. We’d love to hear your story and the questions you’re wrestling with, whether you’re in recovery or just trying to make sense of it all, we’re gathering real voices for a potential conversation on the podcast. If that sounds like you, just head to one UFI dot net slash. Share your story to learn more and fill out a quick form that’s one you feed. Net share your story. Thanks so much and we’d love to hear from you.

Kristi Nelson 00:00:43  This day is not something that I can take for granted. It was not promised to me. So living in that realm of what can you not take for granted is pretty much anything. Life holds everything for us.

Chris Forbes 00:01:03  Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts.

Chris Forbes 00:01:09  We have quotes like garbage in, garbage out or you are what you think ring true. And yet, for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking. Our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:48  You know how we usually.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:49  Think of gratitude.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:50  We think of it as something we feel when things go our way. When the test comes back clean, when the sun hits just right, when work is going well. But Kristi Nelson, author of Wake Up Grateful and the former executive director of A network for Grateful Living, invites us to a different kind of gratitude, one that isn’t dependent on things turning out right.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:13  She calls it gratitude without conditions. Gratitude for life itself. Not because it’s easy, not because it’s always good, but because we’re still here, breathing, feeling part of the whole thing. That’s what we talk about today. How to live gratefully. Not just when life goes our way, but simply because we get to be alive for it. I’m Eric Zimmer and this is the one you feed. Hi, Kristi. Welcome to the show.

Kristi Nelson 00:02:41  Hi, Eric.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:42  Or I should say, welcome back to the show.

Kristi Nelson 00:02:44  Yeah. Thank you. It’s so good to be here. Thank you.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:47  We talked a couple years ago. We talked a lot about your book called Wake Up Grateful. The practice of taking nothing for granted. You used to be the director of a network for Grateful Living. And so we talked a lot about gratitude. And here we are in November, and it’s the month people think of gratitude. And I just wanted to spend some time going a little bit deeper into gratitude, some of the challenges that it causes, some of the misperceptions about it.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:15  And so we’re going to get to all that in a second. But we’re going to start, like we always do with the parable. And in the parable there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And grandchild stops a thing about it for a second. They look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

Kristi Nelson 00:03:56  It is critical. I think that, you know, what comes to mind is the ability to actually hold both those wolves in some kind of embrace inside ourselves. So for me, what that means is acknowledging. Recognizing the bad wolf, isn’t about denial and resistance.

Kristi Nelson 00:04:17  And, you know, so it’s an interesting thing, like how you hold these forces inside yourself simultaneously. And that’s really of interest to me. I think that greed is so different. I think about grief, you know, that we’re all living with grief and we’re all living inside right now. I think a lot of fear inducing circumstances and there’s there’s a lot that people are contending with that they might call the bad wolf. So I think, you know, hatred and greed and those kinds of things are so negative. But I think making the space to actually acknowledge those things and that we can coexist. But what do we what do we nourish? Is really that that question and what do we nourish that can be big enough. And for me, that word unconditional is really important. That can be unconditional enough to hold everything right till the very end of our lives. And so nourishment is probably a good word, like where we offer our attention and what we fill ourselves up with. That also acknowledges the fact that the bad wolf, which for many people it has many different colors and textures and and everything that is still held inside us and acknowledged as part of the human condition.

Kristi Nelson 00:05:35  Right.

Eric Zimmer 00:05:36  Talk to me about unconditional. What is an example of or what do you mean by something that’s unconditional that we can hold to the end of our days?

Kristi Nelson 00:05:46  Yeah, it’s so big. I think one of the reasons why I’ve been so drawn to Brother David Frost’s work is because, for a variety of reasons. But, you know, the idea of what can we hold on to in the midst of difficulty and in the midst of going right to the very last, our very last breath? That, to me is super important because gratitude tends to, for instance, hang its hat on things and people and circumstances that we’re grateful for, like, oh, all the things my body can do, all the things. And yet I’m of the mind, especially having face stage for cancer and survive that, that, that I want to have a way of holding gratefulness, which is gratitude without conditions in my mind. Gratitude for life. so to speak. As a double entendre, I want to be able to hold on to those kinds of experiences while I’m in my last days, while I’m in my last breaths.

Kristi Nelson 00:06:50  So what are the things that are sustainable that don’t rely so much on circumstances and in the conditions around us, because those are all impermanent and they’re going to change. So the unconditional part is super important to me, and there is more conversation about it. Like Liz Gilbert talks all the time now about the spirit of unconditional love. And so I think that’s an important conversation that’s important to uplift. Brother David says that joy is the happiness. That doesn’t depend on what happens, that we can have a reservoir of joy internally that doesn’t tie itself so much to what’s happening in our lives that’s making us happy. And I would say that gratefulness is the same way for me about gratitude, that gratitude is highly conditional and circumstantial for the most part, and fleeting and all those things, whereas gratefulness is something that we can hold on to. It’s basically, you know, as you say, gratitude for life, as I say gratitude for life. But it means that we can be in that space and hold that in our hearts right till the very end.

Kristi Nelson 00:07:58  And I want things that are robust and, as I say, sustainable. That can stand the test of difficult circumstances. And that is really cool to me, you know, to figure out what are those things that we can hold with us that will be trustworthy, that are tested by difficulty and can not just withstand it, but sometimes become stronger?

Eric Zimmer 00:08:23  How do you go about developing that gratefulness for life? Because you’re right. Gratitude is very circumstantial. I have reverted back to first thing in the morning when I wake up. I kind of just before I do anything before I get out of bed. Just a little gratitude list and it is all circumstantial, right? It’s. Oh, I slept well last night. Oh, look at the dog that’s here. Oh, it’s about what’s going right in my life. And I think there’s a lot of value in doing that. write a lot of value in in a world where in a mind where we frequently focus on everything that’s not going right. Spending time consciously focusing on what is going right is really important and valuable, but you’re talking about something beyond that.

Eric Zimmer 00:09:08  So how do we move from this gratitude that is circumstantial to gratefulness for life? And part of what’s baked into that, I think, is that there are going to be times where the circumstances really aren’t good. If you’re, you know, if you’re a week from your death, on one level, there’s a lot of bad circumstances. From another perspective, maybe not, but how do you get a gratefulness for living?

Kristi Nelson 00:09:34  Yeah, it’s a big question. And I think Jane Kenyon has a poem called otherwise, I don’t know if you’re familiar with it, but she was in the midst of active cancer, and she ended up dying of cancer not long afterwards. And what she kind of took inventory of was, you know, today I was able to have lunch with the person I love. I went out and I worked in the barn and I worked in the fields, and I noticed these things that were beautiful to me, and one day I know it will be otherwise. So for me that remembering the remembering of our mortality, the remembering that if we’re going to be grateful for something, to also recognize that it’s tied to particular circumstances and conditions which may be favorable in that moment but are not permanent.

Kristi Nelson 00:10:19  So impermanence, to me, is a really critical grounding in which to plant gratefulness, that recognition that even today. So for me to wake up and expectations are also interesting, what they do to both augment and also detract from. Right. So what we experience, the more that we expect our everything to go a certain way, the more devastated we can be. And yet, I think there is something about waking up in the morning and saying, I’m still here. for me, it’s. It really is grounded in. I get this day, and this day is not something that I can take for granted. It was not promised to me. So living in that realm of what can you not take for granted is pretty much anything. Life holds everything for us, right? You know? And I will mention Andrea Gibson, who I’m sure you’re familiar with, the spoken word poet from Colorado who died this summer, and just an extraordinary human being who was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and outlived her prognosis, but knew that they were going to die for years and lived inside, that I’m not going to be living forever.

Kristi Nelson 00:11:31  And talked about the fact that that woke them up to the most incredible bliss and the most incredible ability to be present for life when they didn’t expect it to always be unfurling forever out in front of them. And I think the biggest thing we take for granted, Eric, is time. So, you know, the idea of getting another day can be something that is the very deepest kind of foundational level where we plant gratefulness. Oh, this is a day like Maya Angelou says, this is a beautiful day. I’ve never seen this one before. So the idea of non expectation, the idea of kind of waking up into this is a gift. How do I live into the idea that my day is a gift rather than something I’m entitled to? I can expect it should go a certain way. I can control it. You know all those conceptions which are real quality of life inhibitors for me.

Eric Zimmer 00:12:49  There’s a lot in there that I’d like to kind of dissect. And I think the first one that I want to talk about is the difference between a grateful way of living and the emotion of feeling grateful.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:05  Yes. Because a lot of listeners of this show listen to this show because, like me, they have they have a tendency towards low moods. Depression, anxiety. They have these things right. And so sometimes thinking if today is a gift, it almost doesn’t feel like that. For some people it’s like, oh here we go again.

Kristi Nelson 00:13:24  I know right.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:26  Here we go again. And I’m a big believer in sometimes you can’t think your way into right action. You have to act your way into right thinking. And so practicing gratitude is an action. Yeah, right. Trying to think about what you’re grateful for is an action. Yes. How do you counsel people when There’s an intention to live more gratefully. There’s even some actions that they might be taking, but the emotions are still not there. What do you do in that case?

Kristi Nelson 00:13:59  I think there is an important place to be able to say it’s a both end proposition. And for me, I wouldn’t say that I don’t struggle with difficult emotions at all.

Kristi Nelson 00:14:12  Like, for me, this is not about the panacea. And, you know, gratitude like skipping along down that’s, you know, but there are so many images of like, if I were only grateful all the time, I would be what? But for me, gratefulness is grounded in taking nothing for granted, including life. So guess what that does? It puts a little bit of, but it puts a little damper on that top. Like. Which is why happiness doesn’t work for me. Happiness just is something that I feel is wildly conditional and pretty elusive. And and it’s not robust enough. It’s not deep enough for me. It doesn’t acknowledge enough for me. And and so having faced death myself, I feel like I live in this place that holds all of it at once. And what I’ve learned is that there’s a way in not taking my days and my life and everything that’s in my life for granted, that I can live what I would call with poignancy, which is the awareness of the preciousness of life at the same time.

Kristi Nelson 00:15:17  So how do you kind of how do you lift up for people who struggle with difficult emotions? How do we lift up that sense of there is a preciousness to life, and that’s also about connecting with what are you grateful for? Right? Like. And that those things are impermanent, that we can’t tie ourselves to the things and the people in our life if we do to do that in this way, that allows it to be poignant, because we also know it’s they’re not going to last. And that’s the deeper level that I think for me works because it acknowledges what’s also hard and what is painful. And in the midst of that pain, I kind of feel like if people know I live near tears most of the time, I just do like I could cry just it. Because when you live in that state of recognizing the preciousness of everything and also the the ephemeral nature of what we love, including life, it renders us into a different space emotionally than what I think a lot of people sell gratitude based on or sell happiness based on, which is you never have to touch those things.

Kristi Nelson 00:16:28  I say fold them all in. You know, they’re all part of the equation for me of the most meaningful way to live my life. I’d rather live my life meaningfully and the way that feels meaningful and real than in a way that feels pretentious and like, you just scratch it, and it just. It pops like a balloon. You know, anything that scratches it. And so then you have to avoid all those conditions. And that’s a hell of a way to live. You know, because right now the world is bombarding us with so many things which are appropriate to live in a state of vulnerability. You know, we’re always living in that. Does that answer your question? Somewhat.

Eric Zimmer 00:17:06  It does. I want to now move on to this idea of impermanence, because impermanence is, as a Zen student for so many years, it’s one of the marks of existence. The Buddha talked about the three marks of existence, and impermanence is one of them, right? It is folded into life. It is just an inescapable fact.

Eric Zimmer 00:17:28  Yes. And we can view that as good or bad. What I find challenging is, and I’m curious if you find this challenging, I can reflect on the fact that my life is going to end, and I don’t know when I can reflect on, like I’m petting the dog. This could be the last time I ever get to pet a dog. I mean, hopefully not, but it could be. Right? Right. So. So I do these things to try and heighten that preciousness. Right. And yet it’s really hard to get anywhere near what happens when someone has cancer and finds out they’re going to live. So for you, I’m sure that, you know, after cancer, there was a very high degree of poignancy. There was a very high degree of the preciousness of life. There was a very high degree that every day is a gift as you moved further from it. How did you keep some degree of that? I’ll use the word you used, the poignancy. How did you keep some degree of that? Grateful for another day? Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:37  Front and center for you.

Kristi Nelson 00:18:38  It’s such a great question. Thank you. Because there really was a period where when I outlived, like, I think the three years that I expected that I might live. And then I kept living. I, boy, it was like a crash of, you know, going into the real world of taking everything for granted again. That’s all I can say, you know? And all of a sudden, the little things became big complaints, things that I would have like before, you know, in the first year. So there is kind of a lifespan a little bit to that, I think. And yet as we get older and we embrace this idea of, here’s the truth, none of us know. So I think for me, it’s not about living in this state of like Zuleika Jawad says that her doctor, you know, she she is living with leukemia. Third occurrence. And she says her doctor tells her to live every day as if it’s her last.

Kristi Nelson 00:19:40  And she says, I can’t do that. I just can’t live that way. And who? Who could? You know, like. I mean, it’s a that’s a tall order. That’s a very tall prescription from a doctor. Especially live every day. It’s like she just said I’d be making this. I’d be running all I’d be, you know? I’d be just useless.

Eric Zimmer 00:19:59  It’s a cliche also, right?

Kristi Nelson 00:20:01  Like it? It’s a cliche.

Eric Zimmer 00:20:02  It is not the sort of thing that holds up to any sort of robust inspection. As an instruction, it points in the right direction.

Kristi Nelson 00:20:10  It points in the right direction, Brother David says. And other people say live every day. And now Zulaikha Jawad says, I’m going to live every day as if it’s my first. But I also that doesn’t stand up for me because I can’t live every day as if it’s my first, because there’s something about the preciousness of life, and also the truths of life that are difficult, that are seasoned by my lifespan and my wisdom.

Kristi Nelson 00:20:34  So how I greet life right is never going to be as if it’s my first, and it’s never going to be as if it’s my last. And even like Steven Levine, who wrote the book in the 90s. A year to live. You know, live as if you have a year to live. Even that that felt it made me so mad when I actually really, truly did have possibly less than that to live. And it was like, wait a minute. And and you’re asking people to fake it? And how do we how do we live inside that? And then I just thought, well, the place that we can live, that is most true, that is not put on like I’m going to live like it’s my first day. you know, you look at Mary Oliver, a bride married to amazement and a bridegroom holding the world in my arms. Those are both things. Those are kind of like, that’s a beautiful way of holding both this idea of awe and wonder and amazement, and also holding the world in my arms is a sense of responsibility.

Kristi Nelson 00:21:29  It’s a sense of, you know, dealing with what is difficult and heavy. The world is heavy. Yeah. Amazement is light, you know, and I think There is something about now. What we have is now. It’s not. We have today. And hopefully we’ll have the whole day today. You know, like that’s a that. That would be great. I’d love to have the dinner and planning. You know, tonight. That would be really awesome because I bought the feta cheese and all that stuff.

Eric Zimmer 00:21:59  So I know I’ll just get there. So there is there’s a high mortality rate on the same day. People, you didn’t know this. We don’t advertise it. Yes. On the one you feed, they don’t last the day, so good luck with it.

Kristi Nelson 00:22:11  Okay. You are hysterical. Jeez, I wouldn’t have said yes. You know, because I was really counting.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:16  No, no, that’s why we. That’s why we have to keep it under wraps. Yeah.

Kristi Nelson 00:22:20  We keep it a big secret.

Kristi Nelson 00:22:21  Right? Well, now you blown it, now you’ve blown it out into the marketplace. So I think that the thing about now and today that is so powerful, right, is that it’s that’s my mindfulness kind of training, and that’s where I lived, which is like, how can you get grounded in this breath, this moment, this here, This delight. This difficulty. This love. This longing. It’s all. It’s all right here. And it’s all that we need. If we can really telescope. Yeah. You know the past, you know. Andrea Gibson again. This is a one of my favorite quotes of theirs. Regret is a time machine to the past. Worry is a time machine to the future. Gratitude is a time machine to the present. So if we can telescope into the moment and live with that experience of like, look at how alive everything is for me right now and for me at least I can speak for myself and for a lot of people who I know that when we don’t take our lives for granted and expect that time is going to unfurl in front of us forever and ever, that we’ve got 40, 50 years to fulfill all of our things and we really bring it in here.

Kristi Nelson 00:23:32  It can be really enlivening. It can make us feel more alive. and to me, the quality that I’m looking to cultivate most. I would say for myself that contains gratefulness is a sense of aliveness. So right to the last breath I can be alive, I can be alive, and I’m no less alive than anybody else, even if I’m lying in a hospital bed. So aliveness is my birthright, in a way. And as long as I’m breathing, aliveness is something that I can enrich. I can, you know, I can seek to kind of enliven aliveness in myself. And then there is also the idea that maybe we can stay alive to people after we’re dead. You know, that there still isn’t aliveness that we can carry on, but happiness. No. You know, you know, a lot of things just don’t stand that test for me of unconditionally. So, you know, back to this idea of just how do we live this way? How do we live gratefully and not just get kind of despairing, like, oh, this might be the last time I pet my dog.

Kristi Nelson 00:24:40  But the last time I hugged this person I love. And yet there’s also something that I don’t know. Quoting so many people. You know, John Hawkes love as a long, close scrutiny. Love is a long, close scrutiny. The more that we pay attention, the more lovingly present that we can be to the things that we love. And we really let ourselves feel that vulnerability and that engagement. And I think this is something a lot of a lot of us are trying to avoid. And certainly the culture prescribes that, and especially, I would say, about aging, that those of us who are getting older, it’s like, oh, you don’t have to age. You can be the optimized age or the super age or the defiant age or the, you know, the you never have to look or feel old. Nothing’s going to hold you back. And I just think, oh dear, you know, that’s such a loss of for me, what’s rich about getting older, which is holding that place of life doesn’t last forever.

Kristi Nelson 00:25:34  And in that truth, how do I want to navigate it?

Eric Zimmer 00:25:58  Check in for a moment. Is your jaw tight? Breath shallow. Are your shoulders creeping up? Those little signals are invitations to slow down and listen. Every Wednesday, I send weekly bites of wisdom. A short email that turns the big ideas we explore here in each show. Things like mental health, anxiety, relationships, purpose into bite size practices you can use the same day. It’s free. It takes about a minute to read and thousands already swear by it. If you’d like extra fuel for the weekend, you also get a weekend podcast playlist. Join us at one you feed. That’s one you feed. Net newsletter and start receiving your next bite of wisdom. All right, back to the show. The book you’re working on called Aging Gratefully, kind of probably. I’m assuming you’re making a play off of the phrase aging gracefully. And I think about this a lot because part of me is an aging fighter. I’m going to take as good a care of myself as I possibly can.

Eric Zimmer 00:27:09  I’m going to not allow myself to start restricting my life based on age. I’m like, there’s a bunch of things I’m doing to cultivate an aspect of youthfulness that I think is valuable, particularly to what you’re talking about. Aliveness.

Kristi Nelson 00:27:25  Yes.

Eric Zimmer 00:27:25  And if I’m not careful, that crosses over into fighting aging, which is a losing battle on some front. What I’m trying to do, and I guess is as similar to other binaries, you know, young, old, masculine, feminine. Right? I’m trying to always sort of thinking like, how do I pull the best of each of those things? Yes. And put them together. Yeah. Right. And and so I think about this aging question a lot. And I do think that there’s a certain point, I don’t know when it is where mortality is in closer view.

Kristi Nelson 00:28:02  Yes.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:03  You know it happened to me sometime in the last five years. Like up till then I knew of course I’m going to die you know, blah blah. You know it but.

Kristi Nelson 00:28:12  It’s theoretical.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:13  I’m seeing it. And as I watch people age I see that like that thing just grows bigger and bigger and bigger because you start losing friends. Lots of people start getting sick. You start to age. Mortality is just more in your face.

Kristi Nelson 00:28:31  It is.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:32  And so I think what you’re. Well, let me not put words in your mouth. Talk to me about what I just said and your idea of aging gracefully.

Kristi Nelson 00:28:41  Yeah. So I think it’s an interesting you know, the book is very much in the early stages, and a lot of my thinking is in formation. And yet there is something about I went to a very, you know, groovy new agey bookstore recently and was looking on aging the aging shelf. And it was literally all every single book was about how you can kind of defy aging on some level. And I think that is, you know, there’s a reason this is happening right now because the baby boomers, those of us who are born between 1946 and into the 60s, were hitting an age where right now we’re a big market.

Kristi Nelson 00:29:18  You know, basically people my age over 65, I’m over 65, used to just be kind of put out to pasture. And we weren’t consumers, product consumers or.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:30  You know.

Kristi Nelson 00:29:31  In the same in the marketplace, in the same way that had a lot of money symbols attached to it, I think. So now I look at like all of the prescriptions, all of the possibilities and what that does for me a little bit, that’s, you know, one of the things that’s hard is it seems to kind of blame people who age with challenges. You know, there’s a way that like, yeah, it’s it reminds me of kind of the, the early days. I mean, I don’t want to disparage anybody’s thinking, but some of the early days of Louise Hay and Bernie Siegel and those guys in the 80s where if you died, it was because you didn’t want to live enough. So it was a fault of will. And I feel like the same thing is happening now about aging. So, you know, which is it’s getting younger, you know, so what, midlife is going to start to be an option for people, which is like, oh, you don’t have to hit midlife.

Kristi Nelson 00:30:21  You can just, you know, keep staying in for I feel like there’s, you know.

Eric Zimmer 00:30:25  Stay in your 20s forever. Everybody that’s in their 20s is like, get me the hell out of my 20s. But then I think from there you start, like, slow. Slow it down, man. Slow it down.

Kristi Nelson 00:30:35  Exactly right. Right. So where’s that peak age? It’s like, you know, I’ve had to deal as a result of my cancer, which metastasized to my spine. I have had to deal with a lot of mobility challenges and pain challenges and physical challenges. So limitations. Right. As I’ve and and I had that in my 30s, because the cancer was when I was 32. So I’ve now lived I’m now over 65. I’ve lived more than half my life now since cancer, which is just stunning when I hit that threshold moment. Yeah. And yet what was interesting was a nurse said to me, when I was really sick in my 30s, young 30s. Your peer group is now in their 70s and 80s.

Kristi Nelson 00:31:20  Your peer group is in your in their 70s and 80s. And I was there I was like 33 going, whoa, that. Where is the comfort in that? And yet I did find comfort in that, which was interesting, which is I feel like people who are older don’t take what they have available to them for granted. So it’s kind of like you can’t because you know that the lifespan of what you have available to you is shorter, whereas we can convince ourselves at any age, all the time. Oh, I’ve got, you know, I’ve got years and years and years and years to fulfill on this. Yep. And whether that’s forgiveness or whether that’s fulfilling a dream. But, you know, so aging gracefully. Yeah. You know, I think that that’s a prescription. There’s a lot of things that are prescriptions. And I’m trying to kind of get into this idea of how can we connect with the miracle of being alive, that there is something actually truly miraculous about the body still being alive after any number of years, and the number of things that could have gone wrong and had to go right just for us to be here right now in this conversation for both of our lives.

Kristi Nelson 00:32:26  Like there’s something about kind of Defying the odds. Already that, I think, is worth celebrating. Like there’s an improbability for me to make it to 65 years old, whether I had been in cancer or had a cancer experience or not. So there’s something about celebrating. What the hell is your body doing in every single moment to keep you alive? Like, to me, that is worth like getting up in the morning and going get, oh, Jesus, that’s the biggest Hallelujah.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:52  Yeah. I love to learn about how the body does some of the things it does, and it’s just incredible. Like you said, the number of things that are working in harmony and synchrony, the intelligence embedded in it is mind boggling mind. And that’s it for me. That’s a beautiful way of taking it less for granted. Yes, absolutely. When I think about just like what a single cell can do and I don’t know how many I have, I have a lot of them. Yeah, there’s probably more than more than most people.

Kristi Nelson 00:33:25  I don’t remember the data points. No, but.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:27  I don’t think anybody count. I’ve got more cells than the average person. That’s going to be the next aging marker.

Kristi Nelson 00:33:34  You can have you can have Snell and.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:36  You can have more healthy cells.

Kristi Nelson 00:33:38  We’re gonna inject you with cells.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:40  Other people.

Kristi Nelson 00:33:41  Give.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:41  You more. Well they are doing.

Kristi Nelson 00:33:42  They are and.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:43  All kinds. Absolutely.

Kristi Nelson 00:33:44  You can get injections of all kinds of things. So one is kind of the idea of connecting with the miracle of actually waking up in the morning and what the hell your body did overnight just to keep you alive. So for me, going through life gobsmacked is a great way to go through life. And that is in some ways gratefulness for me, right? So one is, whoa, this is incredible. Just to be able to do the things that we do the most basic things. And right until our last breath, there’s so many things that our body is still doing right. So we can marvel at the body all the way to the very end.

Kristi Nelson 00:34:16  It’s just a miracle. It’s miraculous what’s happening, as you say, in concert, in harmony. What’s happening inside our bodies, all the ways the systems work together. So the book is going to have a bunch of that. Then there’s also just the the improbability in a way. Right. Like, look at the actuarial tables on 65. It was not that long ago that 65 was beyond the age that most people, most women were living men to like.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:43  Oh, yeah, not too long ago. And by a long shot, I mean exactly. Both of us, you know, a hundred years ago, were probably not here.

Kristi Nelson 00:34:49  Absolutely not. So the actual acts, those kinds of things to like, wow. You know, my grandmother, look at look at the ancestors who died at such young ages and what they went through. So there’s something about resting in the thing. This is not taking things for granted, really understanding the body in the miracle body, really understanding the improbabilities and kind of what we’re doing just to be alive every day is.

Kristi Nelson 00:35:12  So if you want to defy the odds, you can live in that space, you know, in a way like, wow, look at what here I am. And then to me, there’s something what I call privilege, which is the privilege of getting to be alive because there are so many people who would give anything to be alive today and who are not. And that really to me is a heart blower. So it’s like there’s mind blowing and then there’s heart blowing. And to me, that blows my heart open because I’ve lost really dear people in their 40s, 50s and 60s who wanted desperately to be alive, who did not fall under the rubric of what was being said in the early 80s, about like, if you want to live, you can live, you can defy cancer, you can defy, you know, all those things. They would have given anything to be here. And what I think if we live into that sense of man, how do I live my life in honor as an honoring of the truth, that there is a privilege to being alive and all these people who are.

Kristi Nelson 00:36:14  There’s a lot of people around the world suffering and who are not getting to live. And I get to age. And so we talked last time about this practice of, you know, what do you have to do? And switching that to I get to do it, I get to do these things, I get to run errands. I get to take care of people. I get to do the things that and what I call obligations to seeing them as opportunities, the opportunity to age. I get to age, I get to get older is what I’m really encouraging people to live into, which is this is an extraordinary opportunity. And how do we then wake up once we see the miracle and the privilege of being alive in a way, and don’t take it for granted? How does that wake us up to live differently? Not like, oh man, I’m going to go make the longest bucket list. I’m going to go to every country in the world. I’m going to climb every peak. I’m going to win world records.

Kristi Nelson 00:37:08  I’m going to do all this. I’m going to, you know, I don’t know what all the different dreams that people might put in their bucket list, but it’s like, first of all, what’s my bucket filled with already? Like, let’s take inventory in stock of what’s been extraordinary in our lives already. That’s really worth doing. And then what can we put in the bucket that really comes from what do we want to generate? What’s the meaning that we want to generate that can be more unconditional rather than what do I want to produce? What do I want to construct? What do I want to achieve? What do I want to accomplish? Because not everybody who’s aging has the same abilities to do all the kinds of things, and we are dealing with more limitations and more constraints and how to honor those and still feel like you can be a worthwhile human life is to be able to do things that are coming from that place of what do I want to generate? What meaning? What connection?

Eric Zimmer 00:38:02  Yeah, that’s a beautiful way to think of it.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:05  And I do find the slightly less capability than I had when I was younger. Peace to be. One of the real challenges for me of aging is I think about energy a lot. I’ve always thought about energy. For some reason. Having energy feels really good and being really tired feels really bad to me, and I’m working to kind of unwind that a little bit. What I don’t know is like, what’s the appropriate energy level for a 55 year old who’s healthy, right? What is it? Because it’s not what it once was.

Kristi Nelson 00:38:41  There are people who would tell you that it could be and it should be. And if you only buy this and take this, that it would be.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:47  Yes, 100%. And I just think I don’t buy that. All right. And I don’t want to limit myself by thinking at 55 I’m starting to lose capacity. Right. It’s this it’s just something I think a lot about how to do that. So as I mentioned earlier, I’m always kind of trying to split the middle.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:04  So I did this thing recently. It was a four day backpacking trip where we covered 75 miles in pretty mountainous terrain. Wow. And a lot of the guys were a decade younger than me, and many of them were two decades younger than me. So I thought about, I mean, there was a couple of guys my age who early on were like, this is nonsense. I’m not. I’m not doing this. And for me, I wanted to do it. That was my not not buying the I’m too old to do this argument. Yeah. And I realized I don’t have to keep up with the 35 year olds. Like, I’m going to do this thing in at the pace I’m going to do it. And for me, that was bringing together the middle way of those two things, right? Like I’m going to acknowledge that I don’t have the body. I did it 35 and I’m not going to try and try and do that, and I’m not going to let being 55 be the thing that tells me, oh, that’s too hard for me to do.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:55  Yeah. And and so I think that’s, you know, where I’m trying to, to figure these things out.

Kristi Nelson 00:39:59  It’s beautiful because it’s in the gray area. It’s not all or nothing. It’s not like all of a sudden, you know, I hit 65 and it’s not like I put myself out to pasture now, you know, and I am, but I, you know, there are people who do, you know, my I just remember talking to people who were in their 50s who was like, I’m retired, I’ve done enough now, I’m now I’m done. But then I think we’re also in the other extreme, which is I did a workshop with Liz Gilbert recently who said, we are a culture of purpose anxiety. Like we really live in. It’s like, what’s my purpose? What’s my purpose? And so it’s got to be like, right to the bitter end that we have the sense of purpose that drives us. And I think it’s the drivers that are really worth questioning. Like, what are we driven by? And she said, you know, is it possible to be kind of preoccupied with the idea of being present versus having the sense of purpose, which is often tied to what’s the impact I want to have, which can be very ego ish, and what’s the legacy I want to leave, which is also egoic just, you know, it’s like, what do I want to leave behind me? So like this idea of how can I live into what’s true now? And to honor that which is your body, its its limitations and its lack of limitations, to be honest about that, to say what wants to emerge, what wants to arise from that place, that for me, I think Comes most meaningfully from seeing that miracle of being alive.

Kristi Nelson 00:41:27  And also, where does that kind of miraculous nature and the privilege and not taking it for granted, what opportunity doors does it open for us? My really good friend Ruth, just finished hiking the Camino, the Camino 500 miles for her 70th birthday. And she’s somebody who’s. Yeah, she’s incredible. And she’s she’s somebody. And she walked it, and she walked at her own way, at her own pace, like you say, listening. I think the big thing is how do we listen well to ourselves? How do we listen to what? Yeah, to what is both challenging and to honor that and to also what can we still do? What can we do, because we get very identified with what we can’t do. And but being honest, I think that kind of and honest inventory is something that a lot of us are really moved by and is important. And so that honest inventory has to keep taking place. And I think it’s really easy to hurt ourselves to and to hurt other people and do stupid, stupid stuff.

Kristi Nelson 00:42:30  you know, as we get older that we’re trying to prove something, yet there’s also something like what happens if we take away what having to prove, you know, like proving and producing, like, I don’t have to produce or prove. What does that do? Does it render me like I just want to die? Or does it say something else wants to arise and emerge from me and my life?

Eric Zimmer 00:42:49  Yeah, I think it’s. Well, the thought that popped into my head was the Hindu religion has has a concept of life stages. They’re very clear about there’s a time for you’re young. There’s a time for pushing for career, for family, for. And then there’s an age where your priorities ideally should shift and they shift towards more of a spiritual bent. And I’ve always loved that acknowledgement that there’s something to an appropriateness for the age that you are or or I don’t like that word appropriateness that they’re honoring. Maybe that maybe that is the right word and an honoring a recognition that different stages of life bring different challenges and gifts.

Kristi Nelson 00:43:42  Yes. Yeah. And it makes me think, Eric, just what are the gifts that we could be offering that we often are kind of just riding right over in order to continue to prove something or whatever that really is, to go beyond what our capacity truly is or our passion truly is for what we want to contribute. And and a lot of that has to do with relatedness and relationships and connections. And, you know, so just I think the deep inquiry, the self-reflection is also it’s still important to give ourselves time for those kinds of things as we’ve hit particular junctures as well, when the body is changing, the mind is changing and and not to miss those opportunities for reflection and refinement about how we’re living our lives. And I think a lot of people who are interested in this work that I’m doing now are really interested in feeling permission to do that, because the culture’s not granting it so much right now. You know, as what I would say.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:40  Before you check out, pick one insight from today and ask, how will I practice this before bedtime? Need help turning ideas into action? My free weekly Bites of Wisdom email lands every Wednesday with simple practices, reflection and links to former guests who can guide you even on the tough stuff like anxiety, purpose and habit change.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:02  Feed your good wolf at one you feed. Net newsletter again one you feed net newsletter. So you recently taught a workshop at Kripalu about this idea of of aging gracefully without telling us the whole curriculum of everything you did. What’s something that you asked participants to do or exercise that they did, or something that maybe we could offer listeners that they could do?

Kristi Nelson 00:45:31  Oh, thank you. That’s such a great question. It’s quite profound. And one of the things that is extremely powerful for people. There’s two exercises, I would say. One is really looking at themselves in a mirror and and taking basically three minutes. And we give everyone a mirror on the wall. Right. And they stand there and then they three full minutes of gazing at your face, and then you draw your face on this piece of paper and you draw all the lines that you see, even the little lines, even the faint lines, you draw your lines and then you. I call it the love lines exercise, where you write the names of the people who have loved you and who you’ve loved, who have brought those lines that not just from suffering, but from joy, from passion, from concern, from afar.

Kristi Nelson 00:46:26  yeah. You gave me this line. You know, I swear, I think.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:30  I.

Kristi Nelson 00:46:31  Said that.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:32  I’m going to allocate 70% of these to a previous marriage, so.

Kristi Nelson 00:46:36  Okay. But there. But calling them love lines. So, like, you know, when I’m joyful, I see my, my lines are all, all over the place. So it’s like, what are the experiences that people who have brought expression to my face, who have helped me become the person who I am and how I look today. So love this love lines exercise. And then that kind of goes into this very deep thing with an about holding, an exercise that often does, which is holding our face in our hands and to be held. And so we have people trace each other’s hands around the faces and, and to feel held. And then what are the qualities with which you want to hold yourself as you age? And you write one in each finger so you have ten qualities. holding this beautiful, this crazy self-portrait.

Kristi Nelson 00:47:27  Because, of course, I make people not try to do it. They have to do it really quickly and with their non-dominant hand. So it looks like a wild cartoon character. And then, you know, you use your, your dominant hand when you write the little lines in and the names and stuff. Otherwise it would just be like a big mush pile. But it’s extremely moving to people. And then they introduce themselves to each other and, and talk about this as a way of introducing this is, this is my life. This is how I’ve been loved and this is who I’ve loved. And the people who show up here on my face in this way. And then here’s how I want to hold myself as I age. So it’s a beautiful way of introducing ourselves to each other. And then there’s another thing that I want to say, but I won’t emphasize it too much because we don’t have time. But it’s an ancestor’s meditation about how our ancestors would see our lives right now, see us right now, and the amount of joy and want that we have lived to the age that we have, that we’ve got the privileges that we do, and to feel that sense of just awe and responsibility just to be held.

Kristi Nelson 00:48:39  Held in the space of our ancestors. And then to write ourselves a letter from one of those people who died younger than we are. And to imagine what kind of wisdom would be imparted about how it makes sense to age, given the lives that we have and what they would wish for us. So it’s very that’s very kind of cathartic.

Eric Zimmer 00:49:05  yeah.

Kristi Nelson 00:49:06  It takes courage to age and it takes courage to age with consciousness and awareness and open hearted and open minded, and to age gracefully is really how I want to age, you know? And I think a lot of other people do, too. Which is recognizing and honoring that life doesn’t grant all of us the same opportunity. And it might. We have no idea how long we’re going to be granted this opportunity. So in the field of that truth, how do we want to live our days and our hours and hug the people we love? It’s a good question.

Eric Zimmer 00:49:38  Well, I think it’s an excellent question for us to end on. You and I are going to continue in the post-show conversation, where I want to go a little bit deeper into some practical aspects of of a gratitude practice.

Eric Zimmer 00:49:52  Great. The things people can do to make their gratitude practice a little bit more alive. Or how to start one if they don’t have one. Listeners, if you’d like to get access to the post-show conversation where we cover those things and you would like to support this show because we always need support.

Kristi Nelson 00:50:09  Yes.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:10  Please go to one. Kristi, thank you so much. This has been such a pleasure. I’m so happy to have had you on again, and I’m really excited to see your book when you get there, so I’m sure it’s going to be wonderful. Your previous ones have and this is a great topic. So thank you.

Kristi Nelson 00:50:28  Thank you so much Eric. It’s a joy to be here. And I hope everybody joins not just to listen to me and you, but just to support the beautiful work you’re doing. So thank you.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:37  Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:46  Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity, but we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the one You Feed community.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

The Three Levers of Change: How to Shift Your Mindset, Motivation, and Methods for Success with Jim Kwik

November 21, 2025 Leave a Comment

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In this episode, Jim Kwik explores the three levers of change and how to shift your mindset, motivation, and methods for success. Jim shares his journey overcoming a childhood brain injury and how he discovered practical methods to drive change. He also introduces his “brain animal” framework for understanding how we learn and discusses the importance of self-awareness, living by core values, and making intentional choices. Listeners are encouraged to reflect on their own growth, embrace self-compassion, and take practical steps toward a more limitless life.

Exciting News!!! Coming in March, 2026, my new book, How a Little Becomes a Lot: The Art of Small Changes for a More Meaningful Life is now available for pre-orders!


Key Takeaways:

  • Personal growth and self-improvement
  • Overcoming adversity and challenges
  • The importance of mindset and motivation
  • The concept of “feeding the good wolf” within oneself
  • The role of choices in shaping one’s life and identity
  • Strategies for navigating grief and personal loss
  • The significance of core values in decision-making and behavior
  • Understanding different cognitive brain types and their impact on learning and communication
  • The power of self-awareness and introspection
  • Practical methods for enhancing brain function and overall well-being

Jim Kwik is an internationally acclaimed authority in the realm of brain optimization, memory improvement and accelerated learning. With over 30 years of experience, Jim has dedicated his life to helping people tap into their brain’s full potential. From overcoming learning challenges after a childhood brain injury, Jim embarked on a journey with the mission to leave no brain behind. Through his teachings, Jim inspires others to unlock their inner genius, empowering them to live a life of greater power, productivity, and purpose. Jim’s newest book is an expanded edition of his New York Times and #1 Wall Street Journal bestseller, “Limitless Expanded Edition: Upgrade Your Brain, Learn Anything Faster, and Unlock Your Exceptional Life“

Connect with Jim Kwik: Website | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter

If you enjoyed this conversation with Jim Kwik, check out these other episodes:

How to Harness Brain Energy for Mental Health with Dr. Chris Palmer

How to Eat for Better Mental Health with Dr. Drew Ramsey

Eating for Brain Health Dr. Lisa Mosconi

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Episode Transcript:

Eric Zimmer 00:01:04  You know that moment when we swear everything will change and then nothing does? I sure do. Jim Kwik, who’s a brain coach, learning expert and author of limitless, has spent his life studying why that happens. We talk about why insight means nothing until it finds its way into behavior, and he breaks it down into three levers. We can all work with what we think, what we feel, and what we do, or the head, the heart and the hands. And I love that. Because change isn’t a lightning strike. It’s a practice. A thousand small choices that introduce us day by day to who we’re becoming. I’m Eric Zimmer and this is the one you feed. Hi, Jim. Welcome to the show.

Jim Kwik 00:01:49  It’s good to be here, Eric. Thanks for having me.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:50  I’m excited to have you on. We’re going to be discussing your book, limitless. Upgrade your brain, learn anything faster, and unlock your exceptional life. And it will actually be the expanded edition because you’ve added to it recently, and we’ll be talking about that. But before we do, let’s start like we always do with the parable.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:07  In the parable, there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops and they think about it for a second. They look up at their grandparent and they say, well, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

Jim Kwik 00:02:41  I like that a lot. I just got goosebumps. I haven’t heard the parable for a little while, but the way you expressed it, I call them truth bumps. So thank you. Thank you for that.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:49  Yeah, yeah, that’s a great phrase.

Jim Kwik 00:02:50  I like the one you feed because I’m a brain guy helping people improve their brain.

Jim Kwik 00:02:55  And I believe what you nourish. Flourishes. And we always have a choice. There’s a quote in my book, limitless, expanded from a French philosopher that would be relevant to this. He says life is a letter C between the letters B and D, where B stands for birth, D stands for death life, C choice. Now we always have a choice, including what we’re going to do, who we can spend time with, where our focus is, what things mean. And we always have a choice of which one we’re going to feed. And yeah, whatever you nourish is going to flourish for sure, including especially now, because I believe if you perceive these as difficult times and certainly history has had that difficult times, but without even comparison, these difficult times, they could diminish you. These difficult times can distract you or these difficult times they could develop you. And we decide, and we always have agency because we always have a choice. Yeah, I love that parable.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:51  So interestingly, what you just said there was where I was going to start the interview.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:55  It was a recent quote that you posted on Twitter. Difficult times can define you, diminish you, or develop you. I love that idea. Talk to me a little bit about how to use difficult times for our growth. So let’s just pick a difficult time. I mean, the world is challenging. I tend to agree with you. I think the world has always been challenging. I mean, the history is brutal, but let’s look more internally. Let’s talk about somebody who has, let’s say, lost someone really precious to them. You know, maybe someone died or a breakup happened or any sort of great loss in which there is real grief and sadness, and there’s also a recognition in it that there’s a way to grow from it. Talk to me about what’s the right way to orient towards that in a way that’s human right. That doesn’t deny the feelings and things that are happening, but also doesn’t allow us to get stuck in them and allows us to use that energy for positive growth.

Jim Kwik 00:04:53  Sure, I will offer just one perspective.

Jim Kwik 00:04:57  And so I think everybody’s a little bit different. Everyone’s been through. Let’s say the content is different of our past and script and stories. The three areas that I focus on for change, which I assume somebody is looking for some kind of change in terms of a result or how they feel or a behavior. We control what we can control. And I’m not an expert on grief. Yeah. Obviously, obviously everyone has experienced their own share of it, you know, in in different forms. So does maybe some context for listeners who aren’t familiar with my work.

Eric Zimmer 00:05:30  Yeah, please.

Jim Kwik 00:05:31  As a brain coach, I never knew what a brain coach was growing up as a kid. Right. I wanted to be like Batman or Spider-Man. I grew up with learning difficulties. I had a pretty traumatic brain injury when I was five, and we hear a lot about post-traumatic stress. We don’t hear a lot about post-traumatic growth. People who come through difficult times, times that you wouldn’t wish upon anybody. And some people come out of it feeling that they wouldn’t change what they went through.

Jim Kwik 00:06:01  Even though it was the hardest time, was most difficult in their darkest time in their life. And again who am I to say like everybody has their own path and I feel like sometimes some things we can only learn in a storm or in a difficult situation. So because of my accident, I had learning difficulties severe, I couldn’t focus. Remember I had processing issues. Teachers would repeat themselves five, six, ten times and I would pretend to understand, but I understand anything. It took me years and longer to learn how to read than the other kids. When I was nine, I was slowing down a class. I was being teased pretty harshly that day because I was bullied all the time. But that day, the teacher came to my defense and pointed to me and said, leave that kid alone. That’s the boy with the broken brain. that label. Then all the kids started playing broken, right? That was kind of like the thing. So I struggled all through school. Elementary school, middle school, junior high, high school.

Jim Kwik 00:06:58  You know, just it was unfair because I felt like I worked three times harder. My my parents had immigrated to the United States. My dad was 13. He had lost both his parents. And I don’t want to say a sob story, cause everybody has their story, right? They couldn’t afford to feed him. So he came here to live with his aunts, and we live in the back of a laundromat that my mom worked at, and everybody has their own thing. And I realized that, you know, growing up, we didn’t have a lot of resources as people would define them. We had no money, no education, no contacts or whatever. But, you know, I realized coaching the people, I’ve had the honor to be able to work with, that. It’s not just about resources, it’s about our internal resourcefulness. And that three things we could always control as you control what you can control, who you control the controllable. If people feel like that, they’re in a box.

Jim Kwik 00:07:49  Because limitless is not about being perfect. Limitless is about progressing like we want to mature, and we want to progress and get wisdom and feel good. And, you know, be, do, have, share, whatever. But if you feel like you’re not progressing, you feel like you’re in a box emotionally, like you feel stuck or financially or happiness or learning whatever. You’re not making progress, right? So that box is defined by the three dimensions that contain it, right? It’s three dimensional. And these are the three same three forces that will liberate you out of those states or those situations, the feelings that you’re feeling. And the three things I feel like are the big levers for people. That’s practical is our mindset, our motivation and the methods. It’s our head, our heart and our hands, right? It’s what we think, what we feel and what we do. And those are the three things we could always control. And so we can’t control our past, right? And it’s interesting because my two biggest challenges growing up were learning because I was the worst in school.

Jim Kwik 00:08:52  And second was public speaking because my superpower and I talk about superpowers because I eventually taught myself how to read by reading comic books. And those stories really kind of brought it to life. The words I was learning in public speaking because I never knew the answer. And so my superpower was like shrinking. I mean, I’m as really good as a kid, taking up a little space, like even my physiology. I was just like, always, like slouching and didn’t want to be seen sitting behind the tall kid in class was being invisible. Right. And life has a sense of humor. Because what do I do for a living? I public speak on this thing called learning every single day for 30 years, but this is just an example of how a challenge led to change. A struggle became a strength, right? And I really do believe post-traumatic growth talks about they wouldn’t wish it upon anyone and yet they wouldn’t. Maybe even change it for themselves, because going through it, they found and discovered something.

Jim Kwik 00:09:49  Some people would call it a gift. Some people would say, I found a strength. I found a trait. I found a mission. I got clarity on a purpose. I found out more about who I am or whatever that is. And so I just feel like adversity in some cases, not all cases, but it’s really what we choose to believe is our truth. Adversity can be an advantage if we’re going to really roar. I don’t know one strong person, Eric, that had an easy life. Yeah, I just I just don’t. Yeah, because it requires muscles and it requires effort. And I don’t know anyone who has given everything that I really find that interesting I want to spend time with. Yeah. Because they never had to go through the things.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:28  That’s a great answer to kind of get into those three areas. And I want to go into those three areas in a second. But what do you feel as you look back? Were there any sort of pivotal moments that launched you in a different direction.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:42  Now, I’m not a believer that like a single moment changes our life, because if it’s not followed by a whole lot of continued behaviors, it doesn’t really mean anything. And epiphany is no good if it doesn’t lead to action. But I’m curious, how did things start to change for you? When did you start to say, oh, wait a minute, I’m not a broken brain person. I can learn, I can, you know, tell me a little bit about some of those experiences.

Jim Kwik 00:11:06  Probably the one that had the most impact on me and really created an inflection in terms of why I’m doing this now. When I was 18, I was lucky enough to get into a local state college. I purposely picked a place that I didn’t know anyone was going there, because I knew that I was affected by how people saw me. And it’s really hard to change when people see you a certain way, if that makes sense. You know they’re used to you and they reinforce that identity. I was perceived as not so smart and broken, and I want to get away from people who thought I was like that so I could try to recreate myself.

Jim Kwik 00:11:42  And I thought freshman meant I could make a fresh start. So I took all these classes and I was like, okay, I’m gonna finally do this, and I want to make my parents proud. I want to show the world, show myself that I could be successful, be smart, you name it, right? Be better. And I took all these classes and I did worse because, you know, it’s just so much more difficult. And I was ready to quit because I didn’t have the money even to go to college. And I have a younger brother. Younger sister, I’d rather have them have the money. And yet I’m also torn because I want to be in a good example and my parents work really hard. Many jobs and I just want to make their sacrifice just mean something. So I had all that angst, right? And I layer that over, like my belief about myself and how I think I’m broken. And I really wasn’t doing very well at all, even though I was working three times harder and putting in the effort and the discipline, it was not because I was lazy, but I just didn’t sell into as well as people that worked a fraction of the effort.

Jim Kwik 00:12:42  So anyway, a friend says, hey, before you quit school, that’s a big deal. And you tell your parents, why don’t you come home with me this weekend? I’m going to see my family, get some perspective. So I think one of the things that helped me was, when you change the place you’re in or the people you’re with, it gives you another point of view. Right? And so I agreed to do that. And the family is pretty well off. I have a nice home on the water and different than I grew up. But the father’s walking me around his property before dinner and he asked me a very simple question, but innocent question. But the worst question you could ask me at the time, he says, Jim, so how’s school? And I am again introverted, very shy, insecure. And I have all this pressure and I start bawling in front of a complete stranger, like crying because I can’t even contain it. Like, this is the first person I just feel like I had so much angst and I just tell my whole story about my traumatic brain injury, and school is not for me.

Jim Kwik 00:13:42  I’m not smart. I don’t know how to tell my parents I’m going to quit school, and I have all this pressure. And he’s like, Jim, well, he asked me a question. He’s like, well, why are you in school? And honestly, I didn’t have an answer, Eric, because nobody’s ever asked me that question before. Like, I just, you know, you go to school, that’s what you’re supposed to do, right? You could go to school, get a job, whatever. Right? And I was like, I don’t know. And, well, he’s like, well, Jim, what do you want to be? What do you want to do? What do you want to have? What do you want to contribute to the world? And I didn’t have answers for any of that either, because no one has ever asked me those questions. And I realized, besides perspective, going to a new place, people that asking a new question will give you a new answer in life, a new focus or a focal point.

Jim Kwik 00:14:18  And it’ll draw your spotlight of attention somewhere that maybe wasn’t at before. And I was like, I don’t know what I want to be and do have. He makes me write down a list, like a dream list or a bucket list. Things I wanted to accomplish before I kicked the bucket. Right. And when I’m done with this exercise, a few sheets of paper. I start folding it to put it in my pocket, and he rips it out of my hands and he starts to read my dream list. Right. And again, I’m very insecure, kid. And there’s this person who’s obviously pretty successful. And of course, I have the normal reactions, like, I don’t want to be judged and what is he thinking? And all that stuff. And he looks up and he says, Jim, you are this close to everything on this list. And if you’re not watching this on video, I’m just burning my index fingers like a foot apart. I’m like, are you insane? Give me ten lifetimes.

Jim Kwik 00:15:03  I’m not going to crack that list. And he takes his fingers and he puts them to the side of my head. Meaning what’s in between is the key. And he takes me into his room of his home I’ve never seen before. It is wall to wall ceiling, the floor covered in books like it’s a library in somebody’s house. And remember, I’ve never read a book, right? And so now it’s like being in a room full of snakes. So I have a lot of anxiety. I’m very intimidated. But what makes it worse is he starts going to shelves and grabbing snakes and handing them to me. And I look at these books and there are these biographies of some incredible men and women in history, some very early personal growth mind books like Norman Vincent Peale The Power of Positive Thinking, Thinking Grow Rich and Dale Carnegie, Napoleon Hill, all these books. Right? And he’s like, Jim, he’s like, you have to read to succeed. And I want you to read one book a week, and I can’t commit because that’s my word.

Jim Kwik 00:15:55  You know, my parents raised me a certain way. I’m like, I can’t do that. I’m all his schoolwork. And when I said schoolwork, I was because I was like, haven’t you heard anything I’m saying? Like, I have a broken brain. I’m a very slow reader, I said, schoolwork. He pulled out this Mark Twain quote, and he said something like, don’t let school get in the way of your education, right? I was like, that’s very insightful, and I’m still not going to read all these books. And then, very smart man, he pulls out my dream list, my bucket list that he still has, and he starts reading every single one of my dreams out loud. And I don’t know, Eric. It’s just hearing your dreams in another man’s voice out in the ether. You know? Just mess with my mind and my spirit something fierce. And honestly, a lot of things on that list were things I wanted to do for my family. Things they can never afford.

Jim Kwik 00:16:39  Or even if they had money, they wouldn’t do it for themselves. And so with that leverage and that’s another key. So you have perspective, you have different questions. And also what drives you. Like these are things that gave me purpose. So I agree to read one book a week right. I tell people if you don’t have any reasons, you won’t get results, right. That pretty much sums up motivation. If you don’t have a reason, room or someone’s name, you’re not going to remember that person’s name if you don’t have a reason, a real reason that you’re feeling that you remember what you read, you’re not going to remember it, right. And so with those reasons, I go back to school and I’m sitting at my desk and I have a pile of books I have to read for midterms or whatever, and a pile of books I promise to read. And I already couldn’t get through pile. So what do I do? I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I don’t work out, I don’t socialize, I just live in the library for weeks and weeks and weeks.

Jim Kwik 00:17:24  And one night in the library I pass out at 2 a.m., fell down a flight of stairs. I hit my head again and I woke up in the hospital. Like two days later. And at this point I’m down to £117. I mean, like, I lost like 40 whatever pounds, malnourished, hooked up to all these IVs, and it was the darkest time in my life. I thought I died and part of me maybe wished I did because I just felt like I was nothing. And you know, I couldn’t do anything. It was just a waste. And when I was having those thoughts, a nurse came in and kind of interrupted me with a mug, and I drink tea and had a picture of Albert Einstein was a pretty smart person, and a quote that said the same level of thinking that has created your problem. It won’t solve your problem. And it made me think, you know, a new question. I was like, well, what’s my problem? My problem is I have a broken brain and a very slow learner.

Jim Kwik 00:18:20  It takes me eight times longer to learn something than everybody else. Well then, Einstein, how do I think differently about it? Well, maybe I could. I don’t know. Learn to fix my brain. Learn how to learn better. I was like, okay, where do I do that? School. You know, so that’s the only place I know where to learn, right? So I asked for the nurse for the course bulletin for next semester. And I started looking at all these classes, you know, hundreds of classes. Turn the pages and all classes on what to learn math, history, science, Spanish, but zero classes on how to learn those things. And then I got really frustrated and I said, I want to put my studies aside because it’s literally not making any difference in my grades, studying or not. And so I started studying these books, you know, that really tapped into more of what our potential is, right? And then I started getting very curious when I started seeing what the mind could really do.

Jim Kwik 00:19:08  And I started studying like things like speed reading, ancient mnemonics. I wanted to know what cultures do before there were printing presses, how they remember things. Right. And I learned all these techniques, and I was consuming it because I was like, obsessed with it for like two months and a light switch flipped on and I started to really understand things for the first time. And I can’t explain it to somebody. It’s like trying to explain to somebody what a flower smells like that’s never really smelled the flower before or tastes something. That’s it just it was just different. And my grades obviously improved my confidence. My life got better. Now, the reason I’m here today with you in my 50s is because all the suffering I went through, I could detect suffering. It’s hard because all I did as a kid was just watch people, and I would know what it felt like to be bullied or struggled or whatever, and I could see it in other people. And so I wanted to help other people that were having trouble with their learning.

Jim Kwik 00:20:05  And I started to tutor. And one of my very first students, she was a college freshman. She read 30 books in 30 days, and I wanted to find out not how. I taught her how to speed read. I want to find out her purpose, going back to motivation, her reasons. And I found out her mother was dying of terminal cancer. Doctors gave her mom just two months, like 60 days to live. And the books she was reading were books to save her mom’s life. And six months later, I get a call from this young lady and she’s crying profusely. And when she stops, I found out the tears of joy that her mother not only survived, but is getting really better. Doctors know how or why they called it a miracle, but her mother attribute 100% to the great advice she got from her daughter, who learned it from these books. So, long story short, I realized in that moment that if knowledge is power, then learning is our superpower. And it’s a superpower we all have.

Jim Kwik 00:20:52  It’s just we aren’t taught how to be able to do these things, you know? And so I use this, you know, for our podcast, our books, we have the largest online platform for accelerated learning. And we have students in every country in the world. And we have a lot of data. And I could tell people, regardless of your age, your background, your career or education level, financial situation, gender, history, IQ, everyone could improve that. There’s no such thing as a good or bad brain. There’s a train brain and an untrained brain. And with a little bit of effort, you know, and a little bit of mentoring, Everybody could just have an easier life because there’s enough stress and struggle in the world. And yeah, I just wanted to tell people that we’ve discovered more about the human brain in the past 20 years than the previous 2000 years. And we found as we’re growing under estimator on capabilities, and all of this is possible.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:04  Hey, friend, before we dive back in, I want you to take a second and think about what you’ve been listening to.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:10  What’s one thing that really landed, and what’s one tiny action you could take today to live it out? Those little moments of reflection. That’s exactly why I started good wolf reminders, short, free text messages that land in your phone once or twice a week. Nearly 5000 people already get them and say the quick bursts of insight help them shift out of autopilot and stay intentional in their lives. If that sounds like your kind of thing, head to one. You feed, SMS and sign up. It’s free. No spam, and easy to opt out of any time. Again, that’s one you feed. Net. Tiny nudges, real change. All right, back to the show. Thank you for sharing all that, especially those difficult moments. And what a gift that man gave you. You know what a gift that man gave you to see you and and take the time and believe in you. Thanks for sharing all that. I want to move to the title of the book for a second. I’m not trying to make an argument here, actually, but when I hear the word limitless, my brain goes, that’s not we’re not limitless.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:18  Like, I can’t play in the NBA. Like that’s not going to happen. So it’s not like I can do anything. And I don’t think that’s what you mean by limitless, right? Tell me a little bit about what you do mean by limitless. To open that up a little bit.

Jim Kwik 00:23:31  So limitless is again, it’s not about being perfect. It’s about advancing and progressing beyond what you are currently demonstrating or maybe even believe is possible. Yeah. And so I believe that we’re all in this path to reveal and realize more of our potential. That’s my personal belief, because if everyone wanted just everything to stay the same. My question would be if we were to fast forward five years and everything in your life was exactly the same, would you be happy? And I think most people would say no, right? So change is inevitable, but growth is not right. And so I would say that limitless is about redrawing the borders and boundaries, the limits of what’s possible for us to be do have feel in our lives.

Jim Kwik 00:24:21  And so I feel like a lot of this lies in the power of our brain. I’m always wearing a brain on my shirt or pointing to my brain and pictures because I feel like what you see we take care of. You may see your hair, your skin, your car, your clothes. It’s in our constant awareness. So of course we’re more likely to take better care of it as opposed to our brain, which we never see. We never see a thing that takes care of us. And so I always just kind of put it on my clothes or wear on my sleeves point to it, because that’s when to remind people. It’s an incredible gift that we have that we’re born with right between our ears, this £3 matter and every creature in nature, even if you model nature, has some kind of superpower. Some could breathe underwater, some are super fast or super strong or and we’re not any of those things. But because of the power of our mind, we can fly. Because of our power of mind, we can go underwater, right? Or we can be super fast.

Jim Kwik 00:25:15  It’s it’s a form of technology. A lot of people went out to buy the new iPhone this year. They went out and they upgrade their apps or their whatever, their other technologies. But when’s the last time we took time to upgrade the technology that has created all other technology? And so I’m a big advocate for greater mental health. A big part of that is greater brain health. And when you have less stress and you’re sleeping better and you’re eating foods that don’t make you more anxious and stressed and could actually be protective to your brain. And when you’re moving, you just feel better. There’s all all these things that are common sense but not common practice. I feel like, again, going back to the choices that life is to see between B and D and choice is how important it is. You know the choices we make every single day. You know, what are we going to start believing? What are we going to think that day? What are we going to feed our minds? Feed our bodies? Who are we going to spend time with? All of this makes a difference.

Jim Kwik 00:26:08  Everyone wants to know, like, what’s the magic pill? I haven’t found that. I don’t think there’s a magic pill, but I think there’s a process that we all have to go through.

Eric Zimmer 00:26:15  Yeah, I like that. And, you know, to sort of reframe limitless for me in a way that was helpful instead of pulling out scenarios that are unlikely to happen in my case. Right. Like playing in the NBA, what I can totally get on board with, and I would say underlies a lot of my overall life philosophy is that there’s always a positive step, a positive direction. We’re never done. You know, so we may not know our limits. Right? But when we set them obviously incorrectly, they do become our limits. And there’s always a way in which we are able to keep moving, keep growing. And in that way we are limitless, right? Like if we don’t apply it to outside standards. Right? If we’re not applying, am I able to do x, Y, or z? But am I able to, according to my own potential, keep moving forward in a positive direction that is being limitless, right?

Jim Kwik 00:27:09  And you mention and not comparing yourself to external things in your environment or people, or what you see on social media, because there’s a form of digital depression that comes from just seeing the highlight reel of everybody else, you know, as opposed to and comparing, you know, our chapter three against somebody, chapter 20, in terms of some area of development.

Jim Kwik 00:27:30  And I just feel like if we make a comparison, maybe we compare ourselves to who we were yesterday. I mean, if we’re if you’re going to make any kind of comparison rather than to another person, the truth is the grass is greener where we water it, and online it’s greener because there’s a lot of filters people are using or artificial turfs, you know, that they have. Yeah, I think kindness is important because we never know the battles that other people are having, because we only get to see a lot of the kind of the highlights and the good stuff. So, you know, I appreciate the real and the raw conversations that you have in your show, because I feel like people don’t feel like they’re alone, you know?

Eric Zimmer 00:28:07  Yeah. And that kindness obviously needs directed back to ourselves because we know our own battles, but we often don’t really give ourselves credit for how difficult they might be. I guess would be the way to say it, you know?

Jim Kwik 00:28:20  Yeah, I think part of self-care, you know, besides everything we put in the book, we talk about the best brain foods, how to have a better night’s sleep, how to be able to learn fast, all this stuff.

Jim Kwik 00:28:30  So we know self-care is not selfish, right? And part of self-care is looking in the mirror and just just like loving the person that’s looking back at you who’s been through so much but is still standing. Right. Like if you’re watching and listening to this right now, like if I was asked everyone, do you remember that time where you couldn’t survive? You know, I think maybe some of your, your community could relate to that. A time when they didn’t think they could survive. Well, if they’re listening to this and they certainly did, you know. And my perspective is they will again. Right. But self-love is so important, you know, in this process. You know, I think sometimes we have to kind of love ourselves, like we would love somebody else by giving them attention and being kind to them. You know, sometimes we feel like we beat ourselves up because at some secondary level we’re going to fall more likely, like follow through the next day. But studies on compassion, self-compassion show that when we’re kind to ourself, we’re more likely to follow through, you know, on the things that are important to us.

Jim Kwik 00:29:34  Yeah. So, I mean, life is messy. So let’s just get that clear, right? It’s not it isn’t success. Happiness is probably not a straight line. I don’t know. Many people have had that that kind of experience, certainly I didn’t. There are a lot of hills and peaks and valleys, with or without a doubt, and we do the best we can with what we can. And I think the most important thing is to keep the most important thing. The most important thing. Yeah. Meaning that it’s not so much about time management as it is mine management. And for me the most important thing is, like you, everyone has a to do list, right? To get through the day. A lot of people do. But I think it’s important to have things like to feel list like when you’re facing a difficulty or demand, or maybe you’re having a spirited debate with a family member. You don’t ask yourself, what do I need to do? Most people ask what people do, but maybe we say, like, who do I need to be at this moment?

Eric Zimmer 00:30:27  My favorite question?

Jim Kwik 00:30:28  Yeah.

Jim Kwik 00:30:28  New question. You get a new answer and if you choose like, hey, I want to be compassionate, then the doing takes care of itself, right? Yeah, it’s it’s organic. It’s very natural. But having a to be list I think it’s important. And it sounds like kind of like maybe hokey for some people, but they say the two most powerful words in the English language are the smallest. I am, because whatever you put after that is, you know, determines your identity and your life direction. So I feel like I thought my aim was I am broken. And over time I started changing those questions where I was like, okay. It was like, I’m unbroken. So how do I not be seen? There’s this Japanese art form called kintsugi, where an emperor in Japan had this treasure like teapot and one day broke it and sent it back to China to have it fixed. And when it came back, it was just all they did was like, put these, these staples to hold the pieces back together.

Jim Kwik 00:31:29  And it was very unsightly. So he goes to his craftsman locally and says, you got to fix this. And when craftsman really does something different, takes out the staples and actually uses this like gold, kind of a embalming kind of fluid. So like really highlighted those places where it was broken and made it beautiful. And the idea behind this philosophy is in life, sometimes we feel like we want to hide and we have shame around the things where we have wounds or cuts or we were suffocated. And it really depends on the meaning we put to it, right? Some people look at it like, I have this and I’m have some kind of shame or deformity around this, and I’m talking about like a metaphor. Like can be emotional. It could be whatever they went through. And other people say like, hey, that this is, you know, my scars I wear proud because I was stronger than what I was facing, you know, and I survived. And I think whoever’s going through difficult times right now, I feel like that we inspire people with our grit and our grace that even if they won’t acknowledge it, that people see that, you know.

Jim Kwik 00:32:36  So I definitely wish people the best on that path. And I think that the goal here is we show up, that there’s a version of ourselves that I feel like deep down we know is patiently waiting. And the goal is we show up for ourselves every single day until we’re introduced. And part of that showing up for ourselves is just realizing that we’re human, that we make mistakes. You know, I think self-love and self-care is not selfish, But, you know, part of self-care is forgiving ourselves, you know, for things that we did the best we could at that moment of time. And we can’t change the past. We can make a mistake. And we we all make mistakes, right? But mistakes don’t have to make us right. I feel like if we learn from it, that we could grow from these things, that they become stepping stones to the person that we know we are.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:53  You introduced one of my all time favorite questions, which is essentially, who do I want to be in this A situation.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:00  You know, whatever situation I find myself in. Who do I want to be? A long time ago. My son’s 25 now. He was two and a half. Three at the time. His mom left me for another man very suddenly. And I was really hurt and angry. And, you know, it was a very difficult time. But that question who do I want to be through? This was really a beacon to me of here’s who I want to be. I want to be someone who isn’t bitter, who isn’t hateful, who is forgiving. And I’m not saying I did all that perfectly. I didn’t, of course, but it gave me a direction. And I can look back on that time now, and I can look back on that time with my ex. And we would both say, yeah, Bravo. Right. Like, you really handled that in a way that I can feel very proud of all these years later. And so I just think that question, who do I want to be can be used on really big situations.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:58  It can be used on who we are as a person, but it can be used on really little situations like you talked about too. It’s a discussion with a family member. Who do I want to be? I’m sitting down to dinner with my family. Who’s the person I want to be? Do I want to be connected and paying attention, or do I want to be distracted by work? Yeah. So I love that. I’d like to pivot to something you said, which is I am. And then whatever you put after that is really important. And we’ve talked about limiting beliefs a very little bit here. We talked about if I put after I am broken, then I’m going to be consider myself broken. And you also talk about identity, right. Our identity is very important in our ability to change who we are. Right. I think probably James Clear put it in his book. Maybe. I don’t remember the first time I heard it, but it was the idea of it’s very different to say if you’re trying to quit smoking and somebody offers you a cigarette to say, I’m not a smoker versus I’m trying not to smoke right now.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:55  Right. There’s an identity change there. But the thing that I always find really tricky about this is that we don’t tend to be able to lie to ourselves. So, for example, if I want to be a physically fit person, someone who takes very good care of myself, right, I could say I am physically fit. I am whatever word you want to use there. But if my behaviors aren’t there, how do I hold that identity enough that my behaviors will eventually catch up and be able to use that identity? Because identity, I think, can be used in in negative and positive ways, but I’m often not sure how to handle the gap between the identity I want to have and the actual behaviors that are happening.

Jim Kwik 00:36:40  All right. So let’s unpack that. So if people want to change, imagine a building that’s made up of different floors. So most people let’s go to the second floor one. It creates some kind of behavioral change. They want to stop smoking. They want to start eating these brain foods.

Jim Kwik 00:36:58  They want to read every day or they want to meditate, whatever the behavior is, right? They want to change that, and they try to put energy and effort towards that behavioral change and not usually that successful, right. And if it doesn’t stick, there’s their reasons because there are other flaws in that building. If you go one floor up on the third floor, I want you to imagine that if the second floor is behavior, the third floor is capability. So let’s say somebody wants to read more. Right. I always talk about leaders or readers because of my mentor. People have seen photos with me, with Ellen or Oprah, whoever they people ask how we bonded. We bonded over books, right? Because they read to succeed. And here’s the thing. If you’re not reading the behavior like 30 minutes a day for because reading is to your mind what exercise is to your body, maybe you don’t have the capability. The third floor capability is how you read write. And so maybe you’re reading like you were last taught, which for most of us was when we were six years old.

Jim Kwik 00:37:58  And that’s the last time we took a class called reading. And the difficulty in demand has increased. Aleppo, how we read it is the same. So we have a lot of stress around that, right? So maybe we have to address the capability or somebody wants to play a musical instrument, but learning how to play the musical instrument right above capability, though, is another flaw, which people can imagine is the fourth floor. And that would be the beliefs and the values. Right? So somebody could want a behavior of remembering names, right? What we teach, they can even learn how because they went through one of our programs or read the book, but maybe they don’t value remembering people’s names. And that’s going to affect the change, right? Or lack thereof, because they don’t value it beliefs and values, or they don’t believe it’s even possible for them to remember names because it’s a belief issue. So belief in values in the fourth floor and on the fifth floor Law, you have identity because the identity again is your IAM because somebody.

Jim Kwik 00:38:57  You’re right, that behavior won’t shift. Let’s say they want to do this, you know, make ten sales calls a day. That’s the behavior right. And their identity is I am a procrastinator. And so that’s me really hard to maintain that change. Just like if somebody is smoking the example you use, that’s a behavior on the second floor. But their identity on the top floor is I am a smoker. That’s not going to change. Right. And then the first floor is also important because that’s your environment. And the environment plays a big role in our habits and who we are. Right. And so like maybe somebody wants to change the behavior of whatever eating night at the nighttime, but their environment is they have a lot of snacks by their bedside. Right. That’s going to be really hard to reconcile. So I just want to show people that there are very logical levels that we need to be able to address to be able to affect change. And notice, like we talked about the power of questions in this conversation, that questions are the answer, that if you ask a new question, you’re going to automatically get a new answer.

Jim Kwik 00:40:03  And there’s six questions that were taught in school, right? Five W’s and an H. So six questions. So the identity is answering the question of who the top level right when you go down one level. Beliefs and values are your why. It’s answering the question of why you go down a level, the capabilities. That’s the how you go down to the level of the second floor behavior. And that’s the what. And then if you go to the environment, the environment is the when and the where. So it’s just in order to create consistent change or let’s say let’s call it a transformation, we have to address all those different floors flaws because then you’re in integrity, right? You’re in some kind of alignment. Everything is integrated and you’re not battling floor to floor. Yeah, because you’re out of alignment, if that makes sense.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:59  Yeah, that is a stunningly good analogy. Actually, I’ve done a lot of studies of behavior change and I know all these different pieces, but putting it in the analogy of a building is really, really helpful.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:11  That’s bravo. I mean, that’s really good. That’s really good. Every once in a while you see a model and you’re like, that really makes a lot of sense. And this one makes a lot of sense. It reminds me a little, and I know you are familiar with this. We’ve had them on a couple times BJ Fogg. The Fogg behavioral model is really helpful, but this is right up there. Nice work. So we don’t have a ton of time. And there’s a bunch of things I would love to get to. But what I’d like to talk about right now is the fourth floor values. Right? Because we often have a lot of values or a lot of things we’re trying to value. So let’s just take your example of learning people’s names. I may value it, but I may not value it as much as I don’t know. My point is we have competing values often, right? We have competing values. I want to meditate in the morning, but I also want to work out in the morning.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:05  And I also want to do x, Y, and Z in the morning. And there’s only so much time in my morning, right? If I’ve got kids and I’ve got to get to work. So we’ve got these competing values, which in my experience it’s very problematic. It causes us to jump around a lot. It causes us to do this. And then a couple days later we’re like, wait, I’m going to value that. And that doesn’t seem to be doing what I want three days later. So I’m going to value this. Talk to me about sorting all that out. Or or a psychologist would call it these competing commitments is another word for it.

Jim Kwik 00:42:36  So a value for me is something that you treasure, right? Yeah. One of the things you could do is first you need to know what you value, and probably a tool you could use to be able to decide on your values or uncover those values, is asking the question and not not necessarily what do I value? But maybe putting it in a different way, like what’s most important to me in whatever context, what’s most important to me in a career? What’s most important to me with family? What’s most important to me in a relationship? Because what’s most important to you in a relationship might be different than what’s most important to your partners with a value in a relationship.

Jim Kwik 00:43:16  Right. And so everyone’s different because we all had different environments, different experiences. And we learn to associate, you know, positive things to different values and more than others. Right. And pain towards other things. And so what I would say is ask yourself this question. And everyone could do this. Now what’s most important to me in life. And you’re going to get a bunch of answers. And when you have those answers, then you put it into some kind of Hierarchy, right? Because you might come up with a lot of answers. So, Eric, what’s most important to you in life? What’s one of the things that you value? What’s most important to you in life?

Eric Zimmer 00:43:52  Being kind.

Jim Kwik 00:43:53  Kindness. Yeah, yeah. What else is really important to you in life besides kindness? Growth, growth. And then maybe one more. What’s one more value you have in terms of what else is besides of kindness and growth? What else is important to you in life?

Eric Zimmer 00:44:11  This is where values always trip me up, because about 15 different things come to mind.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:15  Yeah, right.

Jim Kwik 00:44:16  Pick one. That’s just something of value. I mean, there’s no right or wrong loyalty. Loyalty. And then so if you’re looking at these, then when you’re looking at things like kindness, growth and loyalty, what’s more important in the context of, let’s say, a relationship, kindness or loyalty or growth.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:35  Kindness.

Jim Kwik 00:44:36  Kindness. So people could go through this and have different answers. Yeah. And it gives you an idea. You know, in The Matrix where neo goes to see the Oracle for the first time and like someone saw the matrix that’s in the kitchen, there’s a sign up on top of the kitchen. In the doorway. It says, know thyself. And I think a big part of our happiness or fulfillment is having the curiosity to know ourselves. Right. And then the other part is having the courage to be ourselves, because that’s a different game, right? You get to know yourself because you do assessments, you go to therapy, you journal, you meditate, or you go through.

Jim Kwik 00:45:11  You reflect right introspection. You get to know yourself. And then a different game is being that person having the courage to do that in spite of other people’s opinions and their expectations and everything else. So I think that, like you asked somebody, they could value love, they can buy you freedom, they could love you safety, they could value all these things. And the values are going to determine how they behave in the building. Right. Because if somebody values safety and somebody other people value riveting adventure. They’re going to make very different decisions in their life. They’re going to invest differently. They’re going to travel differently. You know they’re going to spend time with different people. Right. I mean, but then imagine those two people are married. Right. And so you have these value conflicts, and we also have the conflicts within ourselves, certainly. And to our ability to reconcile that. I’m not saying suggesting this is easy, but anything starts with awareness. Yeah. Right. Any kind of change we need to realize, like what the situation is and have some self-awareness to know where we are.

Jim Kwik 00:46:12  Because you need some kind of baseline. Right. You can’t manage something unless you can kind of know what the situation is. For me, I would be thinking about get clear on your values. Like my values are love, growth, contribution, adventure and adventure. Interesting. It’s only something I added the past few years. Me too. Yeah. So I was just like, well, if I’m gonna do this, I want to have fun, too. And so I make my decisions based on family and friends and my relationships based on Will. This helped me to evolve and what do I want to grow? So my third value is to have more to contribute, and I want to have some fun in the process, because having had a couple of near-death experiences, it just makes me think about, you know, the kind of things that would regret and so try to bring more joy to, to what I do, find that joy and look for it, even though it’s hard to find. So I don’t have an easy answer on how you could just be in total integrity all the time.

Jim Kwik 00:47:05  I still know, I wish I maybe you could ask AI how to be able to to be able to do that all the time, but that’s not my superpower. But I do believe that our values shape our behaviors and how it also provides the behaviors, the evidence that we are the person we say we are. And we always have a choice. We can look at the things that we’re doing wrong, and some people are really good at beating themselves up when they don’t follow through or they do a bad behavior they know they shouldn’t do, and then it imposes on their identity, saying, I’m not this person. Or they could also look for evidence and shine a spotlight on the things that they’re doing well, as evidence that they are the person that they want to be. Yep. Right. And a big part of that is asking questions, because primarily, your brain will delete most everything. And the things that it will pay attention to are things that you ask questions about, because then you put a spotlight there.

Jim Kwik 00:47:56  So if your dominant question is, why does this always happen to me? That’s not a very empowering question, because you’re going to come up with answers because you ask them. You’ll receive for all the reasons why this is happening to you, as opposed to saying, where’s the gift in this? What’s the best use of this moment? Who should I decide to be? You know, right? Right now just put a different focus and flair on the things that are already around us. And then our focus becomes our reality, right? And what we are, we focus on. We feel, and however we feel determines what we’re going to think and what we’re going to do, and ultimately the results we’re going to have in our life, or lack thereof.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:32  Yeah. Thank you for that. I recognize I’ve taken you into a whole bunch of questions that aren’t necessarily your brain coaching stuff, right? So I want to put a plug in for, you know, like if you want to learn how to learn and learn how to take care of your brain and all these different things, you’ve got tons of great resources on that.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:49  I’d like to talk about. Though brain type. I think that’s what you call it, right? Yeah. Talk to me about brain type, because you told me before we started. You think this is one of the most important and practical pieces? And I know we don’t have a ton of time, so, yeah.

Jim Kwik 00:49:02  This is very practical and a great way to kind of put an exclamation point on this, on this conversation. And it’s extremely useful. So I help people with their focus, their their memory, their ability to read faster, but also their mindset, all the stuff that we’re talking about, their belief systems, their personal motivation to overcome self-sabotage and procrastination. That’s what I mean. That could keep you limited as opposed to more limitless. I realized, though, that everyone thinks differently and everybody leads differently. They hire differently. They buy differently, they learn differently. So we’ve identified four buckets where our brains got cognitive types. And I’m going to make this really simple. We made an assessment in the book.

Jim Kwik 00:49:43  People could also get it online for free and said my brain animal com my brain animal and we made them fun animals. And it’s kind of like you take a test on this like quiz online. And what Game of Thrones character are you like or something like that. And when you do, you find out how you really learn, lead and live and communicate the best that you do because you understand and you also understand the people around you. So it’s a brain code Cod. It’ll go through really fast. If you’re a C, you’re a cheetah. The cheetah is fast acting. They really implement. Some of you may be cheetahs. You have strong intuition and you apply things and you adapt very quickly in fast paced environments. If you’re an O in the code, you’re an owl and owls love logic. They love data. They love facts and figures and. Interesting. Right? A cheetah and an owl would act differently. They buy differently, right? They communicate differently also. Then they learn differently also.

Jim Kwik 00:50:43  They read differently and remember differently also. The DNA code are your dolphins and your dolphins are your creative visionaries. These are individuals that are creative problem solving pattern recognition. They often get to see a future that other people can’t yet perceive. And finally, the E and code are your elephants, and their defining trait is their empathy. They can feel what other people are feeling because of it. They have strong bonds and they are really good community builders and collaborators also as well. So once you take the quiz at my brain animal comm or the quizzes in the new book, and plus we pull from personality types, left brain, right brain, dominance, learning styles, multiple intelligence. They’re like, we built this. Once you do, you get a report and based on your animal this is how you could perform better. This I could read better. Improve your memory. Remember names. Learn languages. Also communicate better because everybody they communicate different, right? A cheetah is just direct to the point, right? Owls are looking for the facts, right? They ask questions.

Jim Kwik 00:51:45  They do take more time because they do research, right? They’re trying to organize everything. Dolphins, you know, speak in very vivid terms and creative terms because a picture is worth a thousand words. And, you know, obviously elephants have high levels of empathy. So they’re amazing listeners. They’re really good at conflict resolution. That’s an example of how it could play out in communication, but it plays out in hiring, in management and parenting and teaching and so much more. So yeah, people can take the quiz. There’s nothing to buy. It takes about four minutes. And not only you take it, but have your friends and family members take it because it will give them the gift of knowing more of themselves also as well.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:22  Wonderful. Well, Jim, thank you so much for taking the time to come on. I’ve really enjoyed this conversation and we’ll have links in the show notes to my brain, animal com and other things you’ve done.

Jim Kwik 00:52:33  The book is just limitless book. We’re donating all the proceeds to charity, children’s charity and Alzheimer’s research.

Jim Kwik 00:52:39  And if anyone gets any kind of value when you go there, you also get some free brain training on speed reading and memory as my gift to kind of celebrate the launch of the book. But I want to thank you for having me and thank you everyone took the time to listen to this conversation, maybe screenshot it and post it online and share like just kind of one takeaway, maybe of your values, maybe your dominant question or maybe something that you’re going to put into action. Tag us both. So we get to see it. And I’ll actually repost a couple because you’ll tag us. So I get to see it, and then I’ll gift out a couple of copies of the book to your community. It’s just some random people, just as a thank you for having me on your show.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:14  As we wrap up, take one thing from today and ask yourself, how will I practice this before the end of the day? For another gentle nudge, join good Wolf reminders text list. It’s a short message or two each week, packed with guest wisdom and a soft push towards action.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:32  Nearly 5000 listeners are already loving it. Sign up free at once. No noise, no spam. Just steady encouragement to feed your good wolf. Wonderful. Thanks so much, Jim, and I hope our paths cross again soon.

Jim Kwik 00:53:48  Absolutely. Thanks, Eric.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:49  Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity, but we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the one You Feed community.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

How To Let Go of Self-Doubt and Transform Your Life with Elena Brower

November 19, 2025 1 Comment

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In this episode, Elena Brower explores how to let go of self-doubt to transform your life. She shares her journey to sobriety, the power of self-compassion, and the importance of apology and inner safety. Elena discusses how Zen practice and guiding principles can foster healing, freedom, and deeper connection to oneself and others, offering listeners practical tools and heartfelt wisdom for personal growth.

Exciting News!!! Coming in March, 2026, my new book, How a Little Becomes a Lot: The Art of Small Changes for a More Meaningful Life is now available for pre-orders!


Have you ever ended the day feeling like your choices didn’t quite match the person you wanted to be? Maybe you slipped into autopilot, or self-doubt made it harder to stick to your goals. That’s exactly why I created The Six Saboteurs of Self-Control—a free guide that helps you recognize the hidden patterns that quietly derail your progress and offers simple, effective strategies to move past them. If you’re ready to take back control and make meaningful, lasting change, download your free copy at oneyoufeed.net/ebook.

Key Takeaways:

  • Exploration of Zen practice and its relevance to modern life
  • Discussion of self-doubt as a mental stall and its impact on action
  • The concept of “no self” and the idea of emptiness in Zen philosophy
  • The importance of releasing attachments to identity and fixed narratives
  • Personal journey of recovery from addiction and its transformative effects
  • The role of self-empathy and the phrase “how human of me” in healing
  • The significance of apologies and their impact on relationships
  • Creating inner safety and the realization that true security comes from within
  • The importance of guiding principles in maintaining integrity and making conscious choices
  • The connection between reducing self-concern and spiritual practice in recovery

​​ELENA BROWER​ is a mother, mentor, artist, teacher, best-selling author and host of the Practice You podcast. She has taught yoga and meditation since 1999. After graduating Cornell University in 1992, she designed textiles and apparel for almost a decade before focusing on yoga, meditation, art and writing. Her first book, Art of Attention, has been translated into seven languages; her second, Practice You, is a bestseller, and is utilized as a teaching tool in a variety of settings. Her latest book is Hold Nothing: An Invitation to Let Go and Come Home to Yourself.

Connect with Elena Brower: Website | Instagram | Facebook | YouTube

If you enjoyed this conversation with Elena Brower, check out these other episodes:

How to Be the Love You Seek with Dr. Nicole LePera

How to Build a Home for Your Soul with Najwa Zebian

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Delivering the WOW; Check out Richard Fain’s new book, a behind-the-scenes look at how he transformed Royal Caribbean into a world-class company through culture, innovation, and intentional leadership. Available now on Amazon and wherever you get your books.

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Episode Transcript:

Eric Zimmer 00:01:05  I used to think self-doubt was some kind of humility, proof that I was thoughtful, careful, self-aware. But the truth is, it turns out to be very rarely useful. Doubt doesn’t deepen us. It just keeps us circling the same questions instead of living into an answer. Elena Brower, teacher, poet and author of the new book Hold Nothing An Invitation to Let Go and Come Home to Yourself, reminded me of that. Talking with her felt a little like talking with my twin sister, where both 55 were both long time Zen students and we seem to know half of the same people. She said that self-doubt isn’t even a feeling, though. It’s a stall and she’s right. It’s the mind’s way of pretending to be wise while quietly avoiding action. What helps isn’t more certainty, it’s having more principle, deciding what matters most and moving even when we’re still unsure. Because growth doesn’t come from thinking harder. It comes from acting on what we already know. I’m Eric Zimmer and this is the one you feed. Hi Elena, welcome to the show.

Elena Brower 00:02:11  Thank you so much. Dear Eric.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:14  I’m excited to talk with you about your upcoming book, which is called Hold Nothing An Invitation to Let Go and Come Home to yourself.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:21  And I was just saying to you before we started, it’s a beautiful book in its writing. It’s a beautiful book in its design, the paintings that you’ve done in it. And for me, it just feels like a book of home in many ways, because it’s so rooted in Zen practice, which so much of my adult life has been spent in that sort of circle. So we’ll get to the book in a second, but we’ll start like we always do in this podcast with the parable. And in the parable there is a grandfather who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. There’s a good wolf that represents kindness and bravery and love, and there’s a bad wolf that represents greed, hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops. They think about it for a second. They look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in your work.

Elena Brower 00:03:18  In this moment. The one I’m feeding is the one who is sort of not myself. I’m I’m really trying to focus, take the focus off of my own kind of self concern and onto what’s around me. or acceptance. More care, a little less of the self focus, I guess I would say. And that feels really spacious to me. It feels very freeing at this moment in my life. And I know we just spoke about this before we started. You and I are the same age. There’s a certain threshold that I feel like we’re we’re standing at, and, I don’t need quite so much of the habit, energy, attention grabbing anymore. I’m much more interested in what I can do for other people. And then resting.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:16  Yeah. One of the things I really liked about the book is you talk about a couple of Zen concepts, one being emptiness and the other being sort of no self. And those concepts can be very hard to grasp from if you’re not steeped in those things.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:33  But you actually, I think, make a nice bridge from how we normally are in the world and on our way to seeing emptiness, on our way to seeing no self. You talk about all the things we can sort of let go along the way. That I think makes this a much more practical book in that way.

Elena Brower 00:04:53  I’ve been studying a little more the Chan texts, challenging the sort of Chinese precursor to what became Zen in Japan. Some of those teachers really have this, you know, it’s really where someone like Dogen, who is the source teacher of the lineage in which you and I are practicing Soto Zen. He went to China to get educated, you know, and to to be enlightened, as it were. but teachers like Hangzhou are the ones who have the voice of no self. That really makes sense to me. Those teachers have then been spoken about by, you know, Zen teachers from the 70s and 80s like Charlotte Joko Beck, 90s, who have created this way of talking about no self that is not dissimilar to what we were just saying.

Elena Brower 00:05:54  The the focus off of self concern, self-consciousness and on to, you know, what’s here, what’s actually present. Sort of like in the yoga practice when you’re I was just teaching a class and I was saying how so it was a stress relief flow. The titles are so silly, but they’re not. I don’t make up the titles, but I have to work my way into those titles because they are what people will see and then choose. So the stress relief flow that I taught today, 20 minutes dissolving into the practice as though the boundaries of the body are disappearing and only the practice remains. And all of the sort of stress what we think about is stress, which is really just habit. Energy kind of dissipates, poof, into the air. and we have left the practice itself. And I think that is what the Chinese masters we’re trying to get across, I guess. Sit upright just to find your breath. But really, what we’re trying to do is lose ourselves in the process so that we can feel a sense of freedom.

Elena Brower 00:07:12  The self that we’re losing is a self full of habits and tendencies, and the freedom that we’re feeling is a freedom that belongs to all of us.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:22  There’s a lot in this book about opening, and you talk about six different types of practices of opening, but you say that a big part of opening is releasing attachments to identity, certainty, self-doubt and fixed narratives. Yeah, pick any of those and talk about them.

Elena Brower 00:07:44  You know, I think self-doubt is one of those strange, modern luxuries that doesn’t really help us. You know, if you’re watching this, you have a job to do. You have a partnership. You have a friendship that you’re cultivating. You have a work. You have a kid to raise or somebody you know, your best friend’s kid or your sister’s kid. You’ve got something to do. And self-doubt is like this delay button. It’s like guilt. It’s not really a feeling. If you look at the nonviolent communication list of feelings and needs, guilt is not a feeling. doubt is not a feeling.

Elena Brower 00:08:22  Fear is a feeling. Sad is a feeling. But doubt is kind of like a construct that doesn’t actually help or serve us. I’m very interested in the process that, I mean, I saw my own process and then I saw processes of friends. I have a wonderful story in there that was not an easy story to bear witness to. a dear friend of mine whose daughter was basically, for all intents and purposes, taken by this person’s now ex-partner. It was such a harrowing time, and I just decided, I’m not going to sit here and doubt what I should do. I’m just going to ask questions and see how I can serve. And it worked out, and the child got a lot more confidence herself, and so did I in the process.

Eric Zimmer 00:09:12  Yes, self-doubt is such a big thing. And you talk about it in the book to a certain degree, about how even writing this book process. Right, start. You’ve got one draft of it that doesn’t feel right. There’s doubts. I mean, I’ve talked to so many authors and I know you have two.

Eric Zimmer 00:09:27  And the thing I’ve learned is that everybody gets it. You know, no matter how successful somebody’s been in the past, they still, in the midst of a difficult creative project, end up with self-doubt. And you’re right, it doesn’t do any good. I love to think about like, is this thought useful? I can barely think of a time that self-doubt as a useful thought.

Elena Brower 00:09:47  No, it’s simply not. And the the fact of it is, the minute I sort of set it to the side and continue on with whatever needs to happen, I am capable of completing or, you know, tackling whatever it is that needs to be tackled. And yeah, to the first draft, I just bow and say how adorable it was that I thought I had to write that that book that I thought it was. And I’m so grateful to my editor for the way that she brought it to me and encouraged me to literally begin again from scratch and, you know, explore my own experience, not just some sort of teaching.

Elena Brower 00:10:31  Yeah, that sounds amazing. And that has had a huge impact on my life, but isn’t actually a personal story.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:41  Right? And the book is really based on like a short teaching or idea and then so many personal stories. It’s it’s really grounded in that way.

Elena Brower 00:10:51  Yeah. And I’m, I’m a bit nervous. You know, it’s sort of the most personal I’ve ever been. And I’m really excited. And I feel kind of speaking of losing self doubt. I feel pretty fearless about it. And a lot of my elementary school friends and my high school art teacher, they’re coming to the New York events. Wow. This feels like a really beautiful full circle. You know, these are people I’ve known for 50 years or more. 30 years. 40 years. So beautiful.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:25  That really is. I’d like to talk a little bit about the journey to sobriety for you, if that’s okay.

Elena Brower 00:11:32  For sure.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:34  So you’re in recovery. is.

Elena Brower 00:11:37  It 11 years?

Eric Zimmer 00:11:38  11 years. Okay. Yep.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:40  And talk to me about what it was like, you know, before you got to recovery. And what did your spiritual life look like at that point? You were engaged in practices of of these sorts. So I just love to hear more about what it was like to be in that.

Elena Brower 00:11:59  Okay. It was kind of messy. And I was teaching yoga at the time, and I would always have my schedule in such a way that I would be teaching late in the day so that I could spend the morning after I dropped my son off at school getting stoned, being creative. And then, you know, bringing myself together, sorting myself out and then going to work once I was right. It’s such a fascinating thing to think about now, the amount of time that I don’t want to say wasted, but the amount of time spent on recovering from bringing myself voluntarily sideways fascinates me. Yeah, and I can see now. I just got back from a six day sesshin, as it happens. And the realization in this particular sesshin, Eric, was that I spent most of my 20s, 30s and even into my 40s to some degree, numbing myself with weed and also with love and attention and then forgetting, like consciously forgetting things, names so that I would not feel the pain that I was in.

Elena Brower 00:13:12  Yeah. And that’s about what it was every single day. Once I dropped my kid off at school, it didn’t happen on the weekends because I was with him most weekends, but, Wow. I would drive home. I would smoke on the way home if I could. Or I would walk home when I lived closer to the school at a certain point. And then I would go right home, right up to the roof and get stoned. Then what? You know, I would paint. Maybe I would usually end up reorganizing some aspect of my bookshelf or my closet. Like something mundane. You know how it is.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:54  Oh, yeah.

Elena Brower 00:13:55  And I don’t want to say I’m embarrassed to talk about it now, but it’s like. It’s pretty embarrassing. And then I would, you know, eat something, take a shower, clean myself off, purify. You know what a waste of so much life force for, you know, well over a decade I did that. And when it was time to be done, it was so time.

Elena Brower 00:14:16  I’d gotten so many good signs and words from friends, Gabby Bernstein being one of them, Tommy Rosen being another. My friend, DJ Pierce, who’d already been sober for a number of years. All of them were just like, hey, dude, you can’t do God’s work. You can’t do this kind of work if you’re getting stoned every day. I know it’s fun and I know it’s cute and you know you have fun hanging out with your friends, and that’s cool. But you, this is not it’s not working. And then one day, my now ex-husband, who’s still very dear friend of mine, my son’s father and and our babysitter, who was our sitter from 0 to 13. And we left New York. They sat me down and did sort of an intervention, and they were like, dude, you know, this isn’t working. You’re not. It’s not fun to work with you anymore. Something is off and you know, you’re losing track of facts and schedules and plans and it’s no longer tenable.

Elena Brower 00:15:19  And that was that was it.

Chris Forbes 00:15:33  Q.

Eric Zimmer 00:15:56  You’ve got a a line in the book that I really loved, and I’m going to apply it here in a certain way, which is how human of me.

Elena Brower 00:16:04  Yeah. My teacher, Judith Lassiter. Totally.

Eric Zimmer 00:16:07  It is a human thing to avoid things that are uncomfortable, things that cause discomfort. Now, some of us, I think, take that thing where we really take the avoidance to, to, to an nth degree kind of thing. What do you think the pain was that you didn’t want to feel?

Elena Brower 00:16:27  I’m still working through that. I don’t actually I can’t really identify what it is yet. I need another six day session at some point in the coming months. At least this time I could feel that there was pain and that there was active avoidance through many more ways than I imagined. And now I’m I’m looking at it and I it could be very, you know, sort of little t trauma, you know, things like encounters with men or, you know, some sort of fight that I’m having with my parent.

Elena Brower 00:17:08  But there there has to be something else in there. And I’m gonna I’m going to be working on that in therapy for some time. But at least I know that there was some sort of chronic underlying subterranean pain there. And I feel kind of a little less tense and even dense, being able to see and know that.

Eric Zimmer 00:17:30  I think that mystery of why. Right. There’s some people that it’s pretty clear they suffered extreme trauma, and all the literature is very clear. The more trauma you suffered as a child, you’re far more likely to be an addict. Like it’s just it’s a pretty clean line. So for me, I have some theoretical ideas of what it was and actually some real ideas. But what I think is interesting is that it starts to loop on itself relatively quickly, meaning I’m avoiding some little pain, maybe not even little, but I’m avoiding it. And then soon, that avoidance I start to feel bad about, you know, teaching yoga after being stoned all morning for a long time.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:14  That’s a big part of the pain at that point. Addiction is such a monster in that way that it feeds itself on shame.

Elena Brower 00:18:21  This is a very good point. The shame that I felt when I was addicted would continue to to sort of build energy, an avalanche. At a certain point, I just couldn’t handle it anymore, and I needed to stop. And I knew that I couldn’t face myself anymore. Yeah, and that was when I started to see, okay, I can get free. A lot of my friends have gotten free of this. I’m going to do this. I can do this. And and then, sure enough, I was able to do this, and it was so heartening. And it changed my life. Changed my life completely.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:57  What was your path in recovery early on?

Elena Brower 00:19:00  You know, I just leaned on my friends who had done it. the very first 40 days, I went through Gabby Bernstein’s book and I did 40 days of prompts from her and 40 little tiny pieces of art.

Elena Brower 00:19:18  It was at the very beginning of Instagram, if you remember, just over a decade ago, 12, 11, 12 years ago, and I started posting the little pieces of art that was going to be my sort of entree into social media. I thought, this is true. This feels to me. I don’t feel particularly, capable of doing any of this, but this I can do. This is this is real. And that’s how I did it. And that was the first 40 days. Not easy. I luckily had friends on whom I could lean, and I also had other friends who continued to smoke, but who would be totally fine if I hung out and didn’t smoke, or would opt not to smoke when I was around. Very respectful and beautiful and it was very helpful. And it wasn’t. At a certain point, I crossed that 40 day threshold and I thought, all right, this is actually not a big deal. I never liked drinking anyway. The weed is so stupid and destructive.

Elena Brower 00:20:23  I’m done with it. And my life is beautiful. And I started to really, you know, engage with myself in all kinds of ways, in ways that felt true to me, in ways that continue to evolve. And I hope that I can be some kind of inspiration to other people who are on the path to sobriety, whether it be from alcohol or love or weed or whatever it is. I also had tobacco in there, to be fair, and that was probably the hardest part. It was actually the tobacco.

Eric Zimmer 00:20:56  So I want to explore something I said a couple minutes ago that is in your book, which is how human of me. Yeah. Talk to me about how that phrase is useful to you.

Elena Brower 00:21:07  Judith Lassiter, who’s one of my dear, dear teachers and is very well known, the yoga space, as probably one of the most important teachers of our time. She and I connected when she asked me to blurb her book, and I fell in love with this book and blurted it right away, and we connected.

Elena Brower 00:21:29  Sometime later, I had an incident with a student where I was completely at fault, and I had insinuated my own needs for attention and love on them, and that had been some maybe decade or two decade or 12 years prior. Came back to me where that student sort of, you know, wanted seemingly some reconciliation. Turns out she didn’t, but it’s fine. I turned to Judith and I said, Judith, how do I apologize appropriately for this? And she started teaching me about nonviolent communication. Marshall Rosenberg’s opus body of work. The most efficient way of creating connection between not only two people, but also between you and yourself. NVC is predicated on four steps. The first is making an observation. The second is stating a feeling that you’re having. The third is stating the need that either is met or isn’t met. And the fourth, if you’re giving yourself empathy, is to say, how human of me. If you’re communicating with someone else, it’s to make a request. But the way Judith teaches it, she implores us to be very clear about the self empathy piece first before we start communicating with other people.

Elena Brower 00:22:55  And that sentence, how human of me changed my life. And then she taught me how to apologize. And it’s very simple, Eric. It’s one addition to and I’m sorry. And it says, here’s what I would have done differently had I had the chance to do it again. I use it in my family all the time so that if I do something really stupid or shitty to my son or my my partner James, I can actually say. You know what? I’m so sorry. If I could do that over again, here’s what I would say. And then that new kind of paradigm is the paradigm. That new way of saying what was said is suddenly what’s in the field. And the what had been said is out of the field and off the table, off the plate. And there’s a freedom in that, you know, there’s a new track and it’s very beautiful to be part of that kind of communication.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:56  Hey, friend, before we dive back in, I want you to take a second and think about what you’ve been listening to.

Eric Zimmer 00:24:02  What’s one thing that really landed, and what’s one tiny action you could take today to live it out? Those little moments of reflection. That’s exactly why I started good wolf reminders. Short, free text messages that land in your phone once or twice a week. Nearly 5000 people already get them and say the quick bursts of insight help them shift out of autopilot and stay intentional in their lives. If that sounds like your kind of thing, head to one uEFI net and sign up. It’s free. No spam, and easy to opt out of any time. Again, that’s one Eufy net tiny nudges, real change. All right, back to the show. I think that last piece is so wise and so smart, because I think often the reason we keep repeating certain behaviors is we haven’t really gotten clear on what to do instead. You talked early on about like, habit energy, like we we react in habitual ways. And I think one big step is seeing and imagining and thinking through what would how would I actually want to do it.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:15  That’s right. And I think that’s so important and so valuable in not only amending it, but like you said, like actually giving me a direction to go.

Elena Brower 00:25:23  And the what happens not just for the person who’s offering the apology, but for the person who’s receiving it. What happens for them is that they get to feel that first kind of bite of what was said. And then the new version of the of the event is what gets imprinted. It’s magic.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:46  That’s beautiful.

Elena Brower 00:25:47  It really is. I thank Judith every day for it. She’s mentioned in the book and honored in the book, because she has been a huge part of my last, let’s say, ten years of life coming to accept myself and know myself, you know, going through menopause and just being cool with who I am and how things are changing my whole body and face and everything, and just loving myself, being tender with myself. So sweet. And a lot of that is because of her.

Eric Zimmer 00:26:50  I want to read a little bit of the A section out of this about how human, because I think it’s so beautiful and it’s such a powerful idea how human of me.

Eric Zimmer 00:26:59  I repeat, day after day whenever I feel grief, disconnection, confusion, or fear. How human of me to create this drama for myself? How human of me to keep myself in this cycle of fear and frustration. How human of me to make that mistake. How human of me to doubt myself, how human of me to think the worst possible scenario is happening. How human of me. And I just love that. It’s part of the reason I love the parable at the beginning of this show. It’s not to draw a binary thing between two things. It’s to acknowledge that these struggles go on in everyone. You know how human of me. Part of me wants to go that direction, and part of me wants to go that direction.

Elena Brower 00:27:44  Yeah, and it’s true for all of us. And at a certain point, we have to just realize, like adding the being hard on yourself is actually that shame spiral that all of us go through as we make our way through recovery. Don’t add being hard on yourself.

Elena Brower 00:28:02  Don’t add the guilt or add the shame. Just leave it at okay, here’s the person that I would like to show up as. Here’s the energy, even more accurately, that I would like to show up with. How do I get there? How do I create that? And that, I think, is a very worthwhile conversation to pull apart. And in Zen and in John two, there are so many teachings about it. There’s no, you know, there is no high or low or yes or no good or bad in this whole world of Zen and John. There’s just sort of a relaxed presence that can mount an appropriate response to whatever’s happening. How do we get there? How do we just get there? We sit. We listen. We practice in real time. You know, in our interactions. And we do our best.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:58  Did you really just move to Santa Fe with no idea that there are two incredible Zen centers there, and just suddenly find that there’s one of the best Zen centers in the country, right next to you, and you picked up the practice.

Elena Brower 00:29:12  That’s correct.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:14  That’s amazing.

Elena Brower 00:29:15  Because my best friend had moved here. It was Covid. I spent way too much energy and money in two places at once. My kid was 13 at the time, and he was just starting to like sprout. He’s now six three, and I didn’t want to get stuck in our tiny little shoebox apartment in New York. And by some strange miracle, I had the means to do that. So we left and we thought, we’ll just go there for like a month or two. And day two I drove by. You buy a day? Probably five. I drove by Mountain Cloud. I was like, wow, this is unbelievable. And I had met Roshi Joan about 20 years prior, and some little shop in New York was introduced to her and clocked her. I was like, wow, there’s. He was a teacher, but I was all embroiled in so many other things. And yoga. And, you know, none of it was bad and none of it was going to be the ultimate end of my road.

Elena Brower 00:30:22  Yeah, but Zen is. And when I started studying with Roshi Joan, I took the socially engaged Buddhist training. I started then in the chaplaincy training some months later. Yeah. Zen has my heart. The way in which both Chan and Zen kind of speak around things and give you the pointing at, but not the exact, the way the practices and the really good teachers are encouraging us to just sit and be relaxed. Don’t be rigid, you know, don’t be so tight. Be dignified. Be in integrity. Listen to the stories and see where they apply in your own life. EHF take them into. In the most important part, I feel, take them into the ways in which you relate in the world. Be a good human, you know. Serve people. Take care of people. That has freed me up in a way that I couldn’t have imagined, and I don’t know who I would be if I’d stayed in New York. I certainly don’t know who my son would be. He’s now mountain kid and a ski really good skier.

Elena Brower 00:31:34  Like he’s a totally different being. I don’t know how it would have turned out if we hadn’t left.

Eric Zimmer 00:31:40  Yeah, I think of moving to Santa Fe from time to time for simply those two Zen centers. They’re just so good. Both Henry and and Roshi Joan are incredible teachers and so.

Elena Brower 00:31:53  Many other ones too. So many other great teachers.

Eric Zimmer 00:31:55  At both places. Yeah, it’s one of the downsides of Columbus, Ohio, is we have a small Zen group that sits together, but we don’t have a teacher in person. So even some of the intense work I’ve done with Ians and other places, it’s always been sort of a remote thing. I go see them on screen a couple times a year. Yeah, it’s just really a great coming together of being at that place at that time.

Elena Brower 00:32:20  Totally. Yeah, it was very fortunate and very thing. I’m very thankful that I’m here and I can just go down there for the 7 a.m., sit in the 530 sit, you know, and just be amazing.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:32  Yeah. Wow. It’s really great. I want to pick a couple other lines out of the book.

Elena Brower 00:32:38  Nice.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:39  And the first one is, I am the only one who can create pockets of safety within my own being. I just. I love that line.

Elena Brower 00:32:49  We grow up thinking that the teacher, the parent, the sibling, the friend, that those external humans are the ones who can create safety for us. And then we learn whether it’s a very, very, very capital T big trauma lesson or a smaller one that no one can do that for us but ourselves. And it’s one of the biggest realizations, I think, of my adult life, and it’s given me a lot of courage.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:19  That idea that only we can do, it can be very daunting. Yeah. Say more about how you have courage in the face of that.

Elena Brower 00:33:29  You know, I think I took the precepts a couple of years ago in 2023, and the precepts have helped me have a lot of courage, because I’m the only person who can keep these precepts.

Elena Brower 00:33:44  I’m the only person who can mind my energy. And that means that I’m the only person who can create a feeling of safety. But I stay with the precepts. It’s really easy to live my life this way, knowing that this is the choice that I’m making. I’m not going to do that thing because it’s not in the precepts. My friends and I make a joke all the time about how funny it is that this moment that we’re about to gossip is not of the precepts, you know, and so we joke about it, but that’s about the worst thing that happens.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:18  So tell us what the precepts are. For listeners who aren’t familiar with them. Or give me an example of a couple would be adequate. Probably.

Elena Brower 00:34:26  I will not steal. I will not covet. I will use my speech wisely and and truly, there are ways to keep myself on the path. When there’s an option, I’m not going to take it because I’ve made these vows and I want to live by them. And it makes life very simple, sometimes very boring.

Elena Brower 00:34:54  you know, yeah. I will not speak ill of the three treasures, Treasurers and I will maintain a certain level of dignity in my behavior comport. And I didn’t come from that. So it’s really nice to have those parameters around what I’m doing, because I feel a lot of freedom within those parameters where I felt very sort of out of sorts before I had too many choices. It’s almost like the difference between going to a giant store and a small local place where instead of having three choices of of a bowl to buy, you have one. That’s the one you get, you know?

Eric Zimmer 00:35:36  Yeah. It’s interesting. I arrived at a similar place. I was sober eight years, very low bottom heroin addict, and then and then sober eight years, and then drank and smoked weed again for about three years. And when I came back the second time to recovery, and I got I got sober in 12 step programs, I realized that this idea of a higher power I had been pretending before. I had been trying to believe in something that I didn’t believe in.

Eric Zimmer 00:36:04  I felt like if I’m going to do this, I’ve got to. What is it? And it turned out for me, what worked was I believed that there were certain principles about how to live, that if I lived by those, I could handle what life brought me and I could stay sober. And it’s a similar thing that you’re talking about. I had confidence in those as a guiding light.

Elena Brower 00:36:27  More than in my own behavior or choices.

Eric Zimmer 00:36:30  Yes, yes, 100%.

Elena Brower 00:36:33  I’m so glad that you find your way back, bro.

Eric Zimmer 00:36:35  Me too. Me too.

Elena Brower 00:36:37  It’s so harrowing. It’s so slippery.

Eric Zimmer 00:36:39  It is so slippery. And it was so interesting because the first time I had such a low bottom, I was, I was homeless. I weighed £100, I had hepatitis C, I had 50 years of jail sentence. I mean, like, it was bad the second time around. It wasn’t bad like that. It was just alcohol and weed, but inside I just had enough. I guess the eight years of recovery, I just had enough inside me that I knew I was just as sick as I was before.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:05  The circumstances were different, but inside, the only thing I put getting high over and drinking over everything else. And that was the commonality in both of those situations.

Elena Brower 00:37:17  There’s a John teaching. I happen to have this book open because I’m obsessed with it. Wahoo! Silent illumination. It’s really.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:26  Beautiful.

Elena Brower 00:37:27  You would enjoy. This is Hangzhou, actually. Unpretentious and empty, pure and still cold and dispassionate, innocent and genuine. This is how to eradicate countless lifetimes of accumulated habit tendencies. The moment habit tendencies and defilements exhaust themselves. Intrinsic luminosity will manifest blazing through your skull. This is from the six seven hundreds. And when he talks about cold and dispassionate, what he really means is like, yeah, just not quite so much of this. Like attachment to an outcome, attachment to some sort of result, but just unpretentious, innocent, genuine, relaxed even. Is some of the narrative here from the author, who translates and interprets this and the the exhaust themselves, the habit tendencies, habit energies exhausting themselves.

Elena Brower 00:38:33  I think that’s where we get to at a certain point in recovery and we’re just, yes, done. Like, I just can’t do this anymore. I’m so annoyed, ashamed, disgusted with myself. And then this sort of luminosity comes And I look back at that time and I think, My God. Had I known where I’d be sitting and what I would be doing and how I would be like having to move for the brightness of the sun coming over a hill, I would have stopped so much sooner, you know. But it took what it took.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:10  Yeah. I’ve joked before that if you took that 20 year old version of me and you dropped in my skull today, he would think he was enlightened. I’m not saying I am enlightened. I am simply saying that the distance, the distance from the consciousness I had then to what I have now would be so sudden that, you know, it would just blow his mind and he would probably do exactly what you’re saying. Be like, all right, I’m done.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:34  Yeah, yeah. My favorite book of all time probably is the doubt aging. If I had to pick, like, one book that’s been my guide. And Zen is, like, just the mirroring of that and Buddhism, it just it fits for me in that way because that book is inscrutable, often in the same ways. It’s a beautiful.

Elena Brower 00:39:53  Book. About number 11 in the Dow. Two days ago, the center of the wheel being the the most important part. It’s not the part that actually moves or does anything. It’s not the spokes, it’s the center, the empty part. So interesting.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:12  And it makes that same analogy in other ways. A house is so valuable because of the space in it. A bowl is so valuable because of the space in it. And into that space, if it’s a truly open space, anything can emerge. Which is wonderful, because I love that you’ve said habit tendencies so often, because I think our culture has a lot of positive habit building in it right now.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:40  I believe in some of that stuff and write about some of that stuff, and I think there are ways that we can work with our behavior to improve our inner lives. But I don’t think we talk as often enough about. I can’t remember which Zen teacher I was reading recently, but habits of consciousness and how repetitive and sort of locked in those can be. And every bit of freedom we get from that I think, is worth it.

Elena Brower 00:41:06  I couldn’t agree more. And I like that you brought that up. Sort of emptiness. We’re circling back around to why we sit in the first place, which is just to empty it out, come back to zero. Where from? From whence? All possibilities can emerge.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:26  Talk to me about in meditation that goal. Talk to me about how you work with the fact that we get to that goal. Not incredibly often. Meaning that there is for a lot of people in meditation. And certainly my experience, there’s a lot of time where what I’m seeing is the habits of consciousness.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:46  I’m watching them play them. You know they have not exhausted themselves yet.

Elena Brower 00:41:52  Mine is definitely not. The things I was watching this time were really funny. I basically saw myself run through lists, which I’ve always done for the first ten 15 minutes, and these are longer sits. So it’s really nice because by the end of that period of time, it’s 25 minutes, 30 minutes, 40 minutes, sometimes 50. I was really gone, like, yeah, you know, just barely there. My eyes are just slightly open. I’m like, the room is becoming a mist. Am I here at all? Only, you know, it’s the thing that I desperately wanted when I was getting high.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:34  Yes.

Elena Brower 00:42:34  That I can feel now. And meditation, which is so sweet, but not all the time. And not until some time has passed.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:44  I love what you said there about. That’s what we were looking for when getting high, because one of the insights, one of the fundamental insights of a 12 step program and and you’ve hit it right on.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:54  I don’t know if you know that. It’s one of the fundamental insights, but there’s a line that selfishness, self-centeredness that is the root of our problem. Now, I think we could say that a little bit more nice right, than that. But there’s a prayer in the in the a big book that says, relieve me of the bondage of self. Like, to me, that has always been the whole game. Like, how can I just have less of this.

Elena Brower 00:43:21  Self concern.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:22  Self concern, self-creation, self ideation, identities, how can I have less of it? And I feel like I got that early on in recovery and it’s just remained the, the thing for me. And it’s what connects the energy that went into getting high to what I do today. So my last question would be in the spirit of the idea that little by little, a little becomes a lot. I’m wondering if you could give listeners a practice to try that. If they did. Is it not going to transform their life on day one? But by consistently doing would be valuable.

Elena Brower 00:44:02  It’s a little, confronting. But in the chapter on kinship, which is in chapter. Hold on one second, I’ll tell you, I think it’s in the grandmother’s heart. Chapter. Chapter five. I have a few prompts on page 150 that are kind of confronting, but also really freeing. Okay. And one is, might you find kinship with anyone with whom you don’t agree? I know I’m asking a lot here, particularly in the current political season and current events of our time. But if this were to become a practice, what you may find is that there’s a sense of ease and a mean ability and kindness, compassion that arises for yourself and then for other people. When you practice finding some thread of kinship, somebody with whom you don’t agree, that feels relevant to our time right now. Again, it’s on page 150. Here’s the here’s the look in the sunshine. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:08  Yeah. It’s beautiful.

Elena Brower 00:45:09  Yeah. There’s a little gold on it. And that I think is is a very solid practice.

Elena Brower 00:45:15  And I do it a lot so that I don’t sit and stew and hold grudges. I just continuously see if I can find some pathway, some commonality.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:27  That’s beautiful. And speaking of beautiful and the book, I was wondering if you could read the first couple. I don’t know if you want to call it a stanza, a poem, but the way the epilogue starts.

Elena Brower 00:45:39  The way the epilogue starts. Okay, here we go. Epilogue. Infusing your life with respect. Joining with your life with what’s being asked of you. With how you can serve. Attuning to your world with full acceptance. Practice. Instructive silence. More creativity. Less judgment. Feeling into something bigger and more giving.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:06  As we wrap up. Take one thing from today and ask yourself, how will I practice this before the end of the day? For another gentle nudge, join good Wolf Reminders text list. It’s a short message or two each week, packed with guest wisdom and a soft push towards action. Nearly 5000 listeners are already loving it.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:27  Sign up for free at once. You feed us. No noise, no spam.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:33  Just steady encouragement to feed your good wolf. Well, I think that is a great place for us to wrap up. Elena, it has been such a pleasure. I loved the book. I love all your work. We’ll have links in the show notes to where people can get the book, where they can find you on Substack and online. And thank you, Eric.

Elena Brower 00:46:51  I want to thank you too. It’s so nice to know that we have so many wonderful humans in common. And if you ever come this way to New Mexico, let’s go for a walk and a meal, please.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:01  Absolutely.

Elena Brower 00:47:02  Thank you.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:03  Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking. I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:20  But we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom. One episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the one You Feed community.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

Rethinking How We Work and Live: Why Freedom Is a System, Not a Feeling with Jenny Blake

November 14, 2025 Leave a Comment

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In this episode, Jenny Blake explores how we can begin rethinking how we work and live, and why freedom is a system, not a feeling. She talks about what happens when our desire for control masquerades as safety, how the wrong metrics keep us stuck, and why real freedom comes from building systems that create space instead of pressure. Jenny also digs into the fear-based habits that quietly run our days and how to redesign our lives so they support what matters most.

Exciting News!!!Coming in March, 2026, my new book, How a Little Becomes a Lot: The Art of Small Changes for a More Meaningful Life is now available for pre-orders!


Have you ever ended the day feeling like your choices didn’t quite match the person you wanted to be? Maybe you slipped into autopilot, or self-doubt made it harder to stick to your goals. That’s exactly why I created The Six Saboteurs of Self-Control—a free guide that helps you recognize the hidden patterns that quietly derail your progress and offers simple, effective strategies to move past them. If you’re ready to take back control and make meaningful, lasting change, download your free copy at oneyoufeed.net/ebook.

Key Takeaways:

  • Designing a life and business centered around freedom rather than fear.
  • Managing stress through effective systems and structures.
  • The metaphor of feeding the “good wolf” versus the “bad wolf” in personal decision-making.
  • Embracing fear and anxiety as potential superpowers rather than obstacles.
  • The pitfalls of chasing external markers of success, such as money and fame.
  • The importance of creating systems to reduce decision fatigue and chaos in daily life.
  • Exploring the concept of a “heart-based business” that aligns with personal values and integrity.
  • The significance of measuring time-to-revenue ratios instead of just revenue.
  • Questioning societal narratives about work, time, and money, and their impact on personal well-being.
  • The role of intuition versus neurosis in decision-making and personal growth.

Jenny Blake is an award-winning author, podcaster, and keynote speaker who loves helping people set their time free through smarter systems, powered by Delightfully Tiny Teams.  She is the author of three books, Life After College:  The Complete Guide to Getting What You Want, Pivot:  The Only Move That Matters is Your Next One, and her newest book, Free Time:  Lose the Busywork, Love Your Business

Connect with Jenny Blake: Website | Instagram | Linkedin | Facebook | Twitter

If you enjoyed this conversation with Jenny Blake, check out these other episodes:

How to Break Free from Achiever Fever with Claire Booth

How to Calm Your Mind and Be More Productive with Chris Bailey

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Episode Transcript:

Eric Zimmer 00:00:52  We often think control will give us peace, but as Jenny Blake says, control is just another hungry ghost. It never satisfies. We never have enough of it. In this episode, Jenny and I explore what it really means to design your life and work around freedom, not fear. We talk about systems that create space instead of pressure, the trap of chasing metrics that don’t matter, and how to let go without falling apart. This one was really important to me, because I know what it’s like to build something successful and still feel stuck. I’m Eric Zimmer and this is the one you feed. Hi, Jenny, welcome to the show.

Jenny Blake 00:01:32  Hi, Eric. Thank you for having me. I’m delighted to be here.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:35  Yes. You and I are in Gotham Production Studios in New York City. So we are here, Jenny and I, for a week of in-person interviews, which are always so joyous for me, and particularly being with you. It’s really been fun to get to know you, and I’m glad you’re here.

Jenny Blake 00:01:51  Likewise, I know it’s such a treat to meet for the first time and just hit records. So in a way, if you’re listening to this, you’re experiencing this connection and conversation in the exact same way that we are. So that’s always has a little edge. Get a little nervous. But the good kind of nervous.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:06  Yeah. We’re going to be discussing your book called Free Time. But before we do, let’s start like we always do with the parable.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:12  In the parable, there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two roles inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops and they think about it for a second, and they look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

Jenny Blake 00:02:43  I share your love of this parable. I included it in my second book, pivot. I hold it close to my heart, especially when I’m making decisions. A challenging part of decision making is often saying no to something good, something that’s working, or something that’s perfect on paper. So the way that the wolf parable plays out most frequently in my life is, am I making a decision based on fear? Either fear of what is already happening or fear of what could happen in the future? Or am I feeding the wolf that’s magnetic.

Jenny Blake 00:03:15  That’s about joy. That’s about following my energy, even if I’m uncertain and I don’t know how something is going to turn out. Am I acting out of fear, out of avoiding fear, or am I moving toward something that my intuition, my heart, my soul, my spirit is pulling me toward?

Eric Zimmer 00:03:33  Yep. We’ve engaged Coach Jenny and I over the last few years that I know you know. Well, Charlie Gilkey, he’s been a guest on the show a couple of times, and that has been a real orienting principle that I have needed, is that looking away from fear because, you know, I left a pretty lucrative full time software development world job to go out and kind of do this. And. Money was uncertain. And so, you know, fear was an element of it. And sometimes it’s easy to get stuck in there. And so it’s been really good for, you know, our work with Charlie, for him to sort of remind me of that and guide me towards more joy, which has always been the orienting way.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:16  Like with the podcast, I’ve just always been like, I’m just going to follow my curiosity. Like, if I do that with guest selection, with everything we do, I think it’ll be okay. And it tends to work out fairly well.

Jenny Blake 00:04:28  It’s funny you mentioned that about Charlie. He’s the one that 12 years ago when I was thinking of leaving Google, I said, am I crazy to do this? He and his friend, my friend to Pamela Slim, both looked at me and said, Jenny, you would be crazy not to. And I needed to hear it from them because sometimes all of this. It’s harder when even with podcasting, people say, you can’t make money podcasting, you can’t make that your full time gig. And so sometimes I find those voices can be so loud that we need the Charlie Gilks of the world. Somebody to say, I believe in you. You can do this. And in a way, then they become an external version of the wolf that we want to feed, versus the loud chorus of the ones saying, stay safe because it’s about survival.

Jenny Blake 00:05:12  And the other thing I wanted to mention about this parable, I got into self-help and even coach training when I was young, so I did coach training when I was 24, but was self helping myself before that, devouring everything I could find to soothe this deep anxiety and worry and neuroses. I joke that I have 10,000 hours of neuroses. That’s what I became really good at in my teens and 20s. It never worked for me. I felt like all the literature for so long is like the ego is bad. Banish the ego or your inner critic is vicious. Like tame your gremlins, get rid of the inner critic. And that just never worked for me. Even these formulas like, oh, you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. I don’t believe it. And so the only thing that has ever worked for me is welcoming these other voices. They’re not going to go away. I don’t need to banish them. They’re here. I joke that my imposter monster is just like the big furry blue monster from monsters, Inc. Sometimes it helps me to just personify them as like, yeah, he’s big, but.

Jenny Blake 00:06:14  Or I call one of mine the furry rest monster who pulls me into the couch and I can’t move. This is when I kind of burnt out. Yeah, at the end of the day, they’re just trying to be helpful. So even in this parable, the wolf we’re not supposed to feed, he’s not really going anywhere. Or they whichever gender of the wolf, they’re not going to go anywhere. And it’s okay. It’s actually like petting a rabid dog, like, oh, you just are neglected or you’re afraid of things and it’s okay. You know, I used to say instead of taming dragons, domesticating dragons, that what if we didn’t have such an adversarial relationship with this part of ourselves that we think is so bad. Even the bad wolf. Yeah. What if you could just pet them and they just need a belly rub, and then they’ll just quiet down? Yeah, cause it’s not that we want to listen or let that one dominate, but it just doesn’t work for me to imagine that it doesn’t exist.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:04  That’s right.

Jenny Blake 00:07:05  Whatever will stop existing.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:06  Yeah. As you were talking there, it brought a quote to mind of a gentleman I’m going to interview later this week whose name is Andrew Solomon. And he’s an amazing guy anyway. But he has a line in his book about depression and he says, basically, if you banish the dragons, you banish the heroes. Oh, and I love that because you as you brought up dragons, you know, these so-called negatives are often the way we become the best version of ourselves.

Jenny Blake 00:07:31  Yeah, and it doesn’t help, because when I was operating under that paradigm that these voices are bad, it’s bad that I have them, and it’s also bad that I can’t make them go away, that my self-help thing isn’t working. Yeah. Even part of how I describe my podcast and my work is embracing fear, anxiety and security uncertainty as the superpowers that they are. Yes, because I’ve been podcasting almost as long as you. Not quite as long you have the epic nine years in.

Jenny Blake 00:07:59  I’ve been doing eight years and I joked with you before we hit record. I still feel awkward every single time before I start. After I finish, when I listen back, it’s all awkward. But if I let that awkwardness be bad, I wouldn’t have a show at all. It wouldn’t produce anything at all. Yep, that’s sort of the way that I tame the perfectionist is just yeah, it is awkward, but I keep going anyway.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:20  Yep. So your book Free Time talks a lot about building what you call a heart based business, and it’s oriented towards business owners. And, you know, if you’re trying to build your own business, I think it’s an outstanding book. I’m going to take some of the things from it and just shift it a little bit more to the personal level, even though the entire book is personal. Right? I mean, it’s about building a business that supports you and who you are. Not just a business that makes money, but just to give an orientation for kind of where we’re going to go.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:54  But you talk very early on and you say that stress is a systems problem. So just talk about that broadly.

Jenny Blake 00:09:02  Sure. And yeah, I appreciate you shifting toward the person because really we could say heart based anything. It just means that we’re not letting external markers of success drive how we act, how we structure things. And when I say stress as a systems problem, even in the context of a household, if I noticed myself fighting with my husband about how tidy it is, like he doesn’t notice clutter at all, and it really bothers me. And when we have friction about that, that’s really a systems problem. He’s not bad or wrong, and neither am I. But the only way that we could address this is to create a system that will work for the whole triad, you know, for all of us. And because if I become overly demanding, like that’s going to wear away at his soul. And his way of being. So long story short, stress. The systems problem is really an invitation to look at anywhere that we’re experiencing stress or friction.

Jenny Blake 00:09:57  And instead of trying to make one or the other wrong, it’s almost elevating to another perspective of what steps, what system can we put in place that would alleviate this stress or friction. So in the household it’s a cleaner comes once a week on Fridays. Now sometimes my husband doesn’t like having another person around. Too bad. Like you’re not allowed to complain. We set up the system. Importantly, it’s on a recurring basis so I don’t have the decision fatigue. I used to think it was bad to spend so much money on cleaning, and I also used to try to wait. Is the house dirty enough yet? But even the constant wondering when should I call her? When should I schedule it? What day? It’s tiring. Yes. And then a person becomes resentful. The one who’s managing all that, or the one that cares about a clean house. And I got that from Byron Katie. It’s like if you’re the one noticing the dishes in the sink. Guess what? You can do them because you’re the one noticing it.

Jenny Blake 00:10:51  So I often take my own little annoyances or things in life and business as okay, I’m the one noticing it. So instead of demanding that everybody around me change, what could I set up that makes an even better scenario and why I say system. Some people feel allergic to that word. Is that a good system is recurring. It’s kind of set it and forget it. This is about setting your time free. Yes, so that once you put in place, it’s harder not to use it. Like we get pre-made meals delivered once a week. It’s not the only thing we eat, but it saves so many moments of friction or tension. Who’s cooking? What? Where are the groceries?

Eric Zimmer 00:11:27  Yep. There’s a couple things in there that I want to hit on. The first is, you know, when we say that a systems problem between people, one of the systems that is between people is the system of communication, right. And so there’s a lot of Couples therapy ideas around you. Focus on the dynamic of what the conversational system structure that has evolved between you is.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:54  Then it’s not you versus the other person, it’s you and the other person versus this dynamic, this conversational dynamic. And I’ve also heard people say, if you’re having problems and arguing a lot, focus on the process. Oh, right. And then the second you mentioned is this decisional fatigue. And I love the idea of being able to decide things once and not have to keep deciding them. You know, being able to say, like every Friday I go rock climbing. Now does that mean I climb every Friday? No, of course not. Sometimes it doesn’t work, but I’m not having to figure out, like, well, what do I do on Friday? Or when am I going to rock climb this week? It’s like, well, Friday, right? And then again, there are exceptions to the rule and I can handle those. But the more we can sort of decide that sort of stuff like, this is what I do in the morning, it’s always set that way. Separating that decision from the action is so valuable because, as you mentioned, how much time and energy goes into deciding or figuring something out, let alone then taking the action, right? So how much time do you spend swirling in your mind about, like you said, the cleaning lady calling the cleaning lady is not very hard, right? But for those of us who have minds that tend to get stuck in a groove, you know, can churn up a lot of energy.

Jenny Blake 00:13:11  And it exacerbates the situation. Because if I’m booking on an ad hoc basis, oh, no, she’s not available. Now we’re going back and forth ten messages for the next date. When it’s recurring, it’s set it and forget it. So when you’re rock climbing example, if you don’t block off your calendar with a recurring do not schedule block, then you might say, great, I’m going to go rock climbing. Oh no, my team has booked me for five podcasts, so you can in a calendar sense, and I encourage everybody to do this. Grab some time. Design your calendar First before anyone else has a crack at it. And so you could have a recurring Friday and then you could even. And I know you’re big on connection and community and accountability. You could even always meet somebody at the rock climbing gym, so you feel even more like drawn to Go or oh, I don’t feel like it today. Well, I’m meeting my friend there. Yeah. And so there are just all these ways that we can set up the system to be a little more ironclad.

Jenny Blake 00:14:03  Part of the reason we’re recording here at Gotham, as you mentioned, and I record here a lot for solo episodes, for the sole fact that when I show up, I don’t want to burn my own money. So I have to produce, because if I try to record my solo episodes at home, it’s like, oh, I don’t feel like it. I’m not in the right mood. Oh, whatever’s happening in the living room is more fun. I just fritter the time away. But when I come here, it’s like, no, you’re paying for this. Yeah. Make it happen.

Eric Zimmer 00:14:30  Yep. If there is a rock climber in Columbus, Ohio, listening to this, who would like to meet me at the gym, let me know, because I do not have a climbing friend. My son when he’s in town. So you talk about not chasing what you call the Four horsemen of the business ambition apocalypse. And again, this applies whether you know, you’re talking about your own business, somebody you work for any of that, but you call them the hungry ghosts of money, fame, power and control.

Eric Zimmer 00:14:55  Talk a little bit about those.

Jenny Blake 00:14:57  Money, power and fame are the ones that we most commonly hear as vices. And even one of my friends has a theory that each of us has a proclivity toward one of those three, even if it’s not in an extreme or nefarious sense, we might be a little more driven by money, by power, by fame. But the one that I think we don’t talk enough about, that I sort of added is control, and that whether it is as a business owner or in your own life or in your relationships, control can be a hungry ghost because you’ll never have enough of it. It will never actually soothe the existential discomfort of whatever it is trying to be in relationship or trying to be in the world, trying to be in your career? We try to control things or we think we somehow can control things, and that that will make us feel better. And I just don’t think it works. It ends up kind of suffocating the life out of most situations when control is taken to an extreme.

Speaker 4 00:15:52  So let’s go a little.

Eric Zimmer 00:15:54  Deeper on that, because a lot of your book is about creating systems that give your life more freedom, and that happens by imposing some degree of structure and repeatability. What’s the difference between doing that wisely and chasing the hungry ghost of control?

Jenny Blake 00:16:13  Part of it, for me, has been a lesson in choosing what to be a perfectionist about and then letting the rest go. So I’m very detail oriented when it comes to my books. No stone goes unturned. I went through the entire free time manuscript and made sure no hyphenated word was hanging off the right side of the page, stuff like that. That drives everyone around me crazy. So sometimes I think you’re right. Control can tie into structure rigidity boundaries. You know, these all have a dance, but in the free time sense. When I started, the book launched a little over a year ago, and people would say it’s a time management or productivity book. And I know I share this thought with Oliver Berkman, who wrote 4000 weeks.

Jenny Blake 00:16:52  I know you’ve had him on the show. He and I both share this philosophy that just trying to squeeze more out of the time we have feels terrible. So in a way, efficiency means, oh, can you do what you’re doing? But more, better, faster. And then time management, just the word management. It’s like time is in a box slash prison cell. And we’re going to manage it and even micromanage it and control it until it produces exactly the peak performance output that we want. And there are so many podcasts about peak performance. And the phrase itself kind of drives me nuts because we’re human beings. Like sometimes we’re at our peak, and a lot of times we’re not. So to me, the systems are actually a gentle way of putting things in place so that we relieve the burden off of our mind. To have to think about that thing again. Even teaching team members, you know. If you ask me a question and it doesn’t live in our documentation, please add it for the next time.

Jenny Blake 00:17:49  That’s a step that takes a little extra time now, but it’s going to save us all time in the future. And so I think trying to control and this is why I don’t advise like manual time tracking or putting your calendar 15 minute increments. That does work for some people, but I find that imposing too much control feels quite constricting at the end of the day. I would rather create the loose boundaries even. Oh, I don’t take calls before 11 or after two. Then I can be really loose and free and then the work is actually dropping the guilts. Oh, I should be working because that’s who. A factory system doesn’t work for most of us. The factory system was not at any point, and even the way it manifests in today’s corporate structure was not in any way designed for our physical and relational health and thriving. It was purely designed for productivity and really the only person that it benefits to burn everybody out is the one at the top who benefits from reaping all that reward. And for the rest of us, it’s just not a sustainable way to be.

Eric Zimmer 00:19:06  I think it’s always interesting the level of structure and system that gets put in place for anything, whether it be a business or own life. You know, I was in software startups for a long time, and I just used to say, like, what we’re looking for is enough structure that the train doesn’t come off the tracks, but that it also doesn’t get slowed down, you know, and, and you can use you can use that slowed down metaphor doesn’t mean you have to go faster, right? In the case of a train, you might want it to go faster. But. But what’s the level of structure that sort of keeps things in place? So I don’t have to keep deciding, keep thinking about them, but then also does allow me as much freedom around that.

Jenny Blake 00:19:49  And I see what you’re saying because yes, there is a level of discipline. I think when people join my team, they often say like they’re learning a lot, which I think is another way of saying, oh, I’m very particular about how things are done.

Jenny Blake 00:20:01  For me, the systems, as it would relate to even the word or idea of control, it’s actually a way to mitigate the chaos or the repetition or the busy work or minutia that would result from just not having designed an intelligent, elegant, graceful, repeatable system in the first place. So I guess it’s almost like without controlling how things are done in the sense of very intentionally saying, how could this process flow more smoothly and even your example of in relationships. How could these conversations, when we’re in intense disagreement, how can we move through this even when we don’t agree? And if we can design that intentionally up front? Yes, I might seem like a little more sort of structure or rigidity or control than people are used to, but I just think it saves so much chaos and wasted time and energy down the road.

Speaker 4 00:20:56  You talk about.

Eric Zimmer 00:20:56  In a lot of businesses, you know, there’s a missing metric. And again, I want to expand this more broadly to human things, right. Because we all are measuring our lives in many different ways kind of all the time, you know.

Eric Zimmer 00:21:11  And so when we’re unstructured about that, to me, then it’s very easy to start chasing the hungry ghost of money or fame, whether that fame be big time fame or just being well-known on the school PTA council.

Jenny Blake 00:21:28  How many likes a photo?

Eric Zimmer 00:21:29  Yeah. How many likes the photo gets, right? And you introduce a new metric that I love, which I didn’t have these words to use it, but has been again with a lot of help from Charlie in particular, been something that we have really oriented around over the last couple of years, which is the time to revenue ratio. Right? Like how much time does it take me to earn X amount of money? It’s a really interesting way to think about it because most of us think about revenue. You know, how much money is being made without thinking as much about what’s the cost to do so right?

Jenny Blake 00:22:00  And in a way, it makes sense. Who could blame any of us because money seems so fundamentally tied to survival, right? And you and I are both stateside.

Jenny Blake 00:22:10  I know many listeners may not be, but here in America, we’re particularly obsessed with money. How much do we have? Do we need to make more because we don’t have some of the broader social support structures that, say, the Norwegian countries have. So money is vital because if you don’t have health insurance and anything happens to you, it could spiral you into bankruptcy or. I mean, there are very serious money related concerns. Even the phrase from Benjamin Franklin. Time is money. But it’s so much more than that. And so the missing metric is time. How much time did it take you to earn that revenue in your business? Or let’s say you work for a company okay. You’re making seven figures, but you’re completely burning yourself out to the point where you might get very sick, then your time will really be cut short. I had friends who entered investment banking and they were making more money than me, but they were sleeping at the office. They were sometimes getting three hours of sleep a night, and each person.

Jenny Blake 00:23:05  I can’t tell anyone what to think or what to do, but each person has to decide if I die tomorrow or if I die in a year. Is this trade off worth it? The amount of time that is yielding a seven figure salary or a seven figure business. And to be really intentional, because sometimes what you hear from even those people that you know in free time, the way I put it is the way we bake is as important as what we make. I’m not convinced that if you burn yourself out or you spend so much time to achieve the money at the expense of your health and the expense of relationships, that you’ll be any happier when you get there, or that you’ll even be able to change those habits once you get there, wherever there is. If you talk to wealthy people, a lot of them say they’re just as miserable as the next, or then they become worried about losing that money, or then they escalate their lifestyle on the hedonic treadmill, and it never ends. So I just my curiosity is, what if we could spend the time and specifically measure not just how much any of us is making? How much time did it take to get there? How much life force did that require from us? And you could have a really peaceful, joyful, peaceful six figure job or business.

Jenny Blake 00:24:13  Or you could have one that’s killing you slowly.

Eric Zimmer 00:24:16  Yep. I keep referencing Charlie, but it’s been fundamental because it really became clear. Like, I’ve coached a lot of people on this to over the years, which is like if you’re building a business because you are saying that part of what you want is freedom. Be careful because you can build a business that will make you much less free than you were in your day job. If you’re not careful, you know. And so it’s about being really intentional about what am I doing and why. And there are different times and places for different things. Right. Like what? I had to prioritize the first year or two as I left my corporate job to doing this full time. You know, there were certain priorities there, given where we were, and we had to orient in a certain way. But over time, what I’ve seen happen is how easy it is to box yourself into a corner where you get what you think you wanted. And then, as you said, it doesn’t make you happy either, because the thing itself isn’t what you thought it was, which is often the case.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:16  Okay, I’ve got my own, you know, seven figure business, but I can never be away, can never take a week off. I’m always working. I can never stop thinking about it. So it’s. You don’t get what you thought you were going to get. Or to your point, the mindstate of, you know I’ll be happy. When is one of the most pernicious mind states. I’m sure it’s a human thing, because I think we’re wired to always sort of want the next thing. It’s part of the survival mechanism, but it’s something to really watch for, because if we get where we thought we wanted to be and we’re incapable of enjoying it because the goalpost just moves right. And this is something we all know.

Jenny Blake 00:25:59  And all we’ve done is deepen the grooves on those neural pathways. So we’re even making it even harder to break those habits. Yep. Down the road, whenever we get there. Where we’re there. Exactly. I’ve also tried to be really intentional about decoupling the idea that if I work less time, I’ll make less money.

Jenny Blake 00:26:15  And just is that true? What if what if I work half the time and earn twice as much? Who says so I noticed myself. I had these narratives that society is very happy to hand us, that we assume a linear causal relationship. Yes, even maybe even subtly, as we’re talking now, it’s like, well, if I scale back my time or my energy will earn less, but I’m okay with that and make it something where it’s assumed.

Eric Zimmer 00:26:41  Yes.

Jenny Blake 00:26:41  And says who?

Eric Zimmer 00:26:43  Yep.

Jenny Blake 00:26:44  Says who. So I’m always just questioning that. Says who?

Eric Zimmer 00:26:46  That is one in me that really takes effort to unwind because I don’t know what it is. I mean, I guess there’s a lot of it that’s cultural. You know, it’s around this work ethic idea, which has served me very well in many different ways of my life. But it can get to the point that the point is how hard you’re working. Right. And so I’ve had to really work to unwind that. Like you said.

Eric Zimmer 00:27:06  Says who? I might work less. Does that mean I’m going to earn less? Maybe. Maybe not.

Jenny Blake 00:27:11  And if you work less hard, does it mean the work quality will suffer the impact or output? Maybe not. What if it improves?

Eric Zimmer 00:27:17  Yeah, well, last summer I was able to take a month off. I’ve never had anything approaching that amount of time off in my life. I started working at a job when I was like 14, and before that I had paper routes and I never went to college. I don’t think I’d ever been off more than maybe two weeks, and the two weeks I’d been off might have happened the year before, like so. I’d never had any time beyond a week, and I took a month off, which seemed gratuitous, right? I mean, it just seemed. Even saying it, there’s a little part of me that’s like, oh my God, everybody’s going to think I’m spoiled. You know, it was probably one of the best business decisions I ever made because in order to take that time off, we had to systematize a bunch of things.

Speaker 5 00:28:04  yes.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:04  It was very hard to get to where I could take a month off. So all of a sudden I came back and there were two things that were very different. One is my energy level, and my interest in what I was doing had been restored. And the second was there was systems in place to handle a bunch of things that I now didn’t have to do, so that I could then turn my attention towards what I actually quote unquote do, which is talking to people and building programs. Like, all of a sudden there was more energy and time for that, and it never would have happened if I hadn’t done what I thought was a decision. I’m going to take a month off, and that’s just going to be a hit to the business. But I’m willing to make that right because I really want a month off. Afterwards I went, oh, not only did I take a month off, I’ve now put it in place that I can do it again.

Jenny Blake 00:28:58  That’s so amazing, right?

Eric Zimmer 00:28:59  And it all speaks to these things you’re talking about.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:02  But I had to question some fundamental assumptions that that was doable, possible, reasonable, acceptable, morally correct. I mean, all those things.

Jenny Blake 00:29:13  I know I feel like there’s a lot of talk about examining our money stories. And, you know, in the book I talk about our time. Our energetic time blueprint is as powerful and sometimes pernicious as the money blueprint. So I think some of us know, oh, I need to confront my money stuff. And I need to, you know, I have some limiting beliefs around money, but we don’t even question the ones around time.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:34  Say more about that energetic time.

Speaker 5 00:29:36  Well, I.

Jenny Blake 00:29:37  Just think we get imprinted what time is, how to spend it, how to move through a day, how hard to work or not. From the time where kids we grow up in a household, we grow up in a context of our home, what we see in our parents, how schools are set up, how our first jobs are set up, how society is set up.

Jenny Blake 00:29:54  And absolutely here in the States we have this Protestant work ethic. Hard work equals good and virtuous. Yes, and more work is good and virtuous. More money is good and virtuous. And yet the story I share in the book is that as a kid, my mom worked full time, so I was a latchkey kid. But I used to go to all these activities after school because then I didn’t realize until as an adult, that part of it was I needed to keep myself busy until she could pick me up, essentially. So I would go to school, then do homework, then have a piano lesson, then do ballet, then do aerobics or acrobatics, then do gymnastics, and I would have this massive stack. So then of course, as an adult working at a fast paced company like Google, my calendar was stacked in the exact same way. Then when I go out on my own in my business, my calendar was stacked the exact same way. No matter how much I set, I wanted free time.

Jenny Blake 00:30:44  I was always mapping my calendar to this time blueprint of cramming things to the gills, stuffing them to the gills, making exceptions for everyone else. Not myself. Like I always felt this unnecessary and false pressure. Someone asks me for a meeting or asked me for my time. I better squeeze it in wherever I can or when I started coaching clients whatever is good for them. Yep, you know, roll out the red carpet. But then I’m a disaster. So it got so refined talking about systems, it got so refined that I’m not taking one on one clients anymore. But when I was I would have them every other week. So A and C weeks of the month only on Thursdays and only between 11 and 2. And that might have meant I could take four clients at a time, but my rates increased by that point. I also put the billing on monthly retainer. Good until cancelled. I built everyone on the first of the month because I was tired of knowing who’s canceling when. Who am I billing when? Oh, you’re on a three month package, you’re on a six month and I’m coaching every day of the week.

Jenny Blake 00:31:41  There was no time to think. Yes, yes.

Speaker 5 00:31:43  So just consolidating.

Jenny Blake 00:31:44  And batching in a really what seems from the outside like really strict parameters set me free.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:27  Before we dive back into the conversation, let me ask you something. What’s one thing that has been holding you back lately? You know that it’s there. You’ve tried to push past it, but somehow it keeps getting in the way. You’re not alone in this, and I’ve identified six major saboteurs of self-control. Things like autopilot behavior, self-doubt, emotional escapism that quietly derail our best intentions. But here’s the good news you can outsmart them. And I’ve put together a free guide to help you spot these hidden obstacles and give you simple, actionable strategies that you can use to regain control. Download the free guide now at one you feel and take the first step towards getting back on track. One on one coaching was the way that I made the transition from the day job to other things. And so yeah, I did a ton of it until I realized like, this is all I’m doing and it’s chaos.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:26  I mean, I love it. I mean, I love working with people like. So question put to me is, you know, well, are you going to give it up? And I’m like, I don’t think I will entirely. I don’t think I’ll entirely give up working one on one with people because I love it. But I have scaled it way back. And like you said, you know, it happens in these windows of time and it’s just gotten much more refined. And so I enjoy it much more. And I think it’s just better for me and the clients.

Jenny Blake 00:33:52  And even that’s a more nuanced understanding of time, because sometimes context switching is very jarring. Like if you had to go from an operational team meeting straight into a podcast interview, straight into a coaching session, that would probably be a more taxing day than one where you have three podcast interviews back to back, where you get in the zone and you stay there. And then what you just described as hearing you talk about coaching, it’s clear that that’s life giving when you’re in it, that that hour of a coaching session or podcast interview and they have a lot in common.

Speaker 5 00:34:23  They do because they love listening.

Jenny Blake 00:34:24  Curiosity, exploration that those hours are life giving and that those are the those are the hours to figure out how to block them, how to structure the week so that you can get in the zone and stay there. But then knowing, oh, these energize me, these give me energy, give me joy. So that’s also so much more important than just how much money. Yep. That outer delivers.

Speaker 5 00:34:46  Right?

Eric Zimmer 00:34:47  Right. And to a point, that’s the other thing I sort of learned was like, I can love doing something until there’s too much of it.

Speaker 5 00:34:53  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:54  You know, and I’m such a big proponent of the middle way that any tends to be at the extremes. We find ourselves in trouble. So loving doing something doesn’t mean I want to do it 60 hours a week. You know, it might mean that the optimal amount of time for me to do it is five hours a week or ten hours a week. You know, it just everybody’s different.

Jenny Blake 00:35:11  And even to your one month that you took off. I mean, just hearing how much it energized you reminded me of Stefan Sagmeister. He has a TEDx talk explaining how he takes a year off of his business. Every seven years, he shuts down the whole company. There’s no one even remaining behind in his design studio. He’s a graphic designer, but so much more. And he says always the next evolution of his business their best work, their best art installations that he kind of does on the side to the design work, always, always, always comes as a result of the year off. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:43  You talk about lowercase hard work and uppercase hard work. So we were sort of talking about this idea that hard work is a virtue, but you’re making a distinction between uppercase and lowercase. What do you mean by that?

Jenny Blake 00:35:55  This is one of these lines of the book that I sometimes lose a little sleep at night or during the day of. Should I have said that? Is that the right thing? So I’ll be curious to hear your take.

Jenny Blake 00:36:05  My intention when I put this in the book is that uppercase hard work is this grind, and it’s almost like we’re grinding ourselves. We’re murdering ourselves so that we can do the hard work. And it’s almost capital H. Hard work is at the expense of ourselves, but we think it’s the right thing or it’s what we need to do. I need to do this and then it will pay off later. Lowercase hard work is, of course, you’re going to invest time, energy, money, resources into work or projects. That’s what we love actually, secretly, even when a project like a lot of people are intimidated to write a book, but they say they want to write a book someday. One study said as many as 1 in 3 people have dreams of writing a book, and I used to find myself complaining, oh, writing a book is so hard. And I stopped saying that. Like, writing a book is complex, it’s meaty, it’s challenging, but it’s exciting. And so even myself talk to myself.

Jenny Blake 00:37:03  I try to notice when I’m saying, oh, something is so hard and complaining about it versus challenge that I’m choosing, and also being mindful not to work hard just for the sake of working hard. Because while that can sometimes be rewarded if you work within a company when you’re self-employed, there’s no reward. There is no correlation between hard work, mastering yourself for the business, and any promise of success as a result of that. In fact, I think that energetically kind of sends the wrong message. Can you imagine if you were constantly complaining on this show of how hard podcasting is, how hard it is to prepare for your guests, how hard it is to stay listening when they get on these tangents and they’re so boring, and then how hard it is to grow the show, it’s like it kind of sucks the joy out. Yeah. And who would want to listen to that? So it’s either hard work and a really friction sort of way where you maybe should stop doing that altogether. Or it’s lowercase hard.

Jenny Blake 00:37:59  We accept that hard and we find the good.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:01  Yeah, I think there’s a couple of things there. I think there’s sort of knowing what work gives you more energy and you really like and what sort of work wears you down and you don’t like. And then there’s even in that work that we do enjoy, as you were saying, we can get very serious about it, right? Or martyred about it. Like, I come by the martyrdom idea fairly naturally. I will not say from who, but family inheritance that I have to watch for, and recognizing that it was happening this week a little bit. I have a bunch of interviews this week. I’m so excited in person with all these amazing people, and it’s a lot because I’m a diligent preparer. But reminding myself as our producer, Nicole, will do, you did this to yourself first, right? But secondly, reminding myself, like, yeah, this is what I love to do. Yes, it’s going to take a lot of effort, but don’t turn it into a problem when it’s not a problem.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:02  It’s effort. It is hard work. Yeah. So I do like this uppercase lowercase. Because if I remind myself this is the work that you love, how fortunate to be able to come to New York and talk to people and have a podcast that supports you like that is the dream.

Jenny Blake 00:39:18  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:19  You know, I remember being here. I don’t know the number of years. Six maybe. Jenny and I came to New York, and the reason we came was to attend a course Jonathan offered called the Art of Becoming Known. I was still working my full time job, and I had a couple interviews while I was here also, and I remember this moment. We were in a cab driving from one thing to the next, and I don’t know if I said it out loud or I just thought it, but it was like, God, I just wish this was my life. Like I wished this wasn’t going to end at the end of this week, and I was going to go back and and go back to this job, which was actually a pretty good job in a lot of ways.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:53  But it wasn’t my thing. And I keep trying to remember that, that at that time, if you told me I would be here doing this, I would have said yes, please, anything for that. And to remember that helps me move away from uppercase hard work to lowercase. Like, yes, we’re putting in a lot of effort and it’s doing something I love. And how fortunate is that? So reframing things as a choice is always enormously powerful.

Jenny Blake 00:40:20  That reminds me of two things. The saying abundance is the overwhelm you’ve been asking for even this week, this abundance of interviews. Well, this is the dream that you asked for all those years. And then I forget where I heard this. But whenever you say, oh, I have to do a podcast today, or I get that way sometimes about solo episodes because it’s just me, there’s no accountability of another person across from me. And to just shift it to I get to dot, dot, dot and truly it actually works for me, where I’ll be grumpy with my coffee and then I’ll go.

Jenny Blake 00:40:50  I get to record an episode today. That’s a privilege. That’s a treat. Or yeah, I talked about authors. Sometimes they’re like, oh, launching a book is so hard, but it’s like, I get to launch a book. Like, this is the ultimate champagne problem. Oh, I don’t know how to market it. It’s like, well, you created this thing. I just did a solo on the glass, half full or half empty. But you created a glass. I was evaluating the first year of the launch. How did it go for free time. And sometimes I’d find myself getting down because, again, the hedonic treadmill of metrics. Yes. Never enough. How many listeners, how many readers? How many downloads? It’s never enough.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:25  Never.

Jenny Blake 00:41:26  And so I have to remind myself the glass isn’t half full or half empty. I created a glass out of a figment of my imagination. That’s the thing to celebrate. That’s the thing to stay focused on.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:37  Well, and it’s getting to that idea of a heart based business and a missing metric is, yeah, what am I measuring and why? You know, because you’re right.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:46  When we’re looking at external metrics, the scale just keeps changing. You know, if you told me when I started this show that we would have the number of downloads we had, I would have a never believed you. And B jumped for joy for a week. Right. But then you get there and you’re like, well, yeah, that’s good. But you know what? We we kind of need the next level and the next level. So those external metrics, they have a role. And I always have to sort of reorient back towards like, okay, but what about this is important. It’s not just downloads. Right.

Jenny Blake 00:42:17  Like like faceless, nameless listeners. Like you’re a download now.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:22  Yeah. Like, what about this is important, you know? And I go back to why did I start the show? And I was like, well, I wanted to spend more time with Chris, my best friend, who’s the audio guy. I knew it would be good for me, like, good for me to have these conversations.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:36  Those were the two primary reasons. And I look back and I’m like, those have been fulfilled in spades and continue to, you know. And then when it started helping people, it was like, oh my goodness. You know, that’s the extra bonus. And so, yeah, the connections that I’ve made with guests and listeners and there are so many things that if I’m just looking at the main metric of downloads. All that gets washed away. And it’s not enough because you’re not Tim Ferriss or Joe Rogan or name your podcaster. Right. So all this stuff is just a really important reflection. I think for me, it kind of comes down to always coming back to like what really matters here, what’s really important.

Jenny Blake 00:43:18  And that is heart based anything. Yes. Which is that money isn’t the only metric for me. Heart based is I’m not going to sacrifice my values or my integrity for the sake of growing the business or making more money. I, in those cases, will sometimes take the longer route or the scenic route because I don’t want to put money into something I don’t believe in, or just because everyone else is doing it.

Jenny Blake 00:43:43  So there’s a certain ginormous social media site that started as a way to rate women on their looks. I’m not going to give you my ad money. I don’t care if 99 out of 100 companies advertise there or say, that’s the only way to grow XYZ thing, It doesn’t resonate for me. I’m not going to do it. I’m stubborn about that. Yeah, but the other thing about heart paste is, is the permission to follow your heart and follow your intuition. And sometimes people denigrate intuition as, oh, I’m a data person. What is intuition if not a thousand subconscious data points, if not a million that you’ve been collecting your whole life? So there is a place for heart and soul and intuition in the decisions that we make and the ways that we operate. And I just feel so strongly about that. And my creative coach, J. So to your point about metrics, he had us do this great exercise of determining our even more meaningful metrics. So it’s not that we won’t measure the really straightforward stuff like downloads, revenue, whatever, but what’s even more meaningful? So one of his is CPP cackles per piece.

Jenny Blake 00:44:47  How many times does he crack himself up when recording one of his unthinkable episodes? Or one of mine number of friends made through podcasting?

Eric Zimmer 00:44:56  Wow, That’s a great metric.

Jenny Blake 00:44:57  Hold on. Number of new friends because I joke. Podcasting is like the introverts Guide to Making friends. You know. Totally. Yeah. So what if I measured number of new friends made over the last eight years? It’s like, oh, it’s priceless. It’s been priceless. Even if no one’s listening and $0 are earned. Yes, I have hundreds of new friends made.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:17  Right. Yeah. It’s that intrinsic motivation. Like, yeah, these shows, I do them because I love doing them and they’re good for me. And. But I have to remember that because I will turn anything into a job. I’ve talked about this a lot on the show. I will turn anything into something that has to be strived at and conquered and improved. I took up rock climbing. Why did I take it up? A my son does it, and I thought it’d be a great way for us to be able to do something together.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:43  And I wanted something new and interesting and challenging to do with my body. So I’m climbing. It’s great, but within the second time I’m there, I’m like, oh, I’m going to get a rock climbing coach and I’m going to I’m just because that’s the thing. It’s like I’ve just had to consciously with that really work on like, don’t turn this into a job and there is a natural joy in improving, right?

Jenny Blake 00:46:07  That’s probably what made you.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:08  So how do I how do I balance that? So I wanted to come back to something you just mentioned, which is intuition. I find intuition fascinating. And what I find fascinating about it is how do we tell the difference between our intuition and to use a word that you use earlier, my neurosis, because both feel very strong and feel very natural. Right. Just because it feels real doesn’t mean it is. So I’m just curious how you sort those two things out, given that you’ve said you’ve got, you know, 10,000 hours of neuroses.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:44  Yeah. How do you separate that? Which is very natural to you at this point? And what is an actual intuition that’s worth following?

Jenny Blake 00:46:51  And specifically, my neuroses tend to manifest as people pleasing, perfectionism, worry, anxiety. So those are my. That’s what I have a lot of practice in intuition. I love Penny Pierce’s work. She wrote a book called The Intuitive Way, and thanks to the podcast, we did a whole series. She became a great friend. She actually gives a lot of practical ways to grow intuition, because I know you’ve said behavior change is a skill, you can actually build the skill. Same thing with intuition. We all have it. And to answer your question, we can all improve how to discern the difference by growing the skill, paying closer attention, observing things, making a note of what we thought was intuition versus what was just fear or anxiety. Intuition comes to me when I. I tend to get it’s very quiet. It does come to me kind of as a download, whereas anxiety and fear is a little louder, a little more panicky, a little more impulsive.

Jenny Blake 00:47:47  So I try to pay attention and I guess we can’t always know as well. So sometimes I don’t know. I mean, I know, of course, you’ve talked so much about different mindfulness practices and those help, but I won’t even just say, oh, meditation is the answer to everything. I just think it’s learning. How does your intuition speak to you? When has it spoken in the past? And something that I learned from Penny is that, well, couple things. One, when we’re at the level of like red flags, let’s say in relationships, that’s almost intuition in its lowest, loudest form where you get sick, that’s where like you’re not really listening. And so life events have to become increasingly dramatic for you to listen. Over time, it can become more nuanced. And so in our book frequency, Penny talks about finding your home frequency. When are you or what self-care practices lead you to be sort of like calm, peaceful? Have that equanimity. That’s when we can hear the more subtle intuitive clues.

Jenny Blake 00:48:45  And then she says, the highest form of home frequency is self entertainment, where we’re entertained. We’re delighted. We’re curious. Even doing something you love is a form of self entertainment, rock climbing, self entertainment. And when we’re in that playful spirit, we also can get more creative ideas. And I find that I get more creative ideas. The last thing I’ll say here is I’ve just also learned to sit with my discomfort for longer and longer periods of time. Like the last few years, the pandemic have been really tricky in my business because I used to earn a lot of income from keynote speaking, which all but dried up. I keep thinking every year we’re going to turn the corner and then new chaos unfolds. And so just sitting with how uncomfortable it is not to have that income stream, or not to know when the next speaking gig will be booked and just letting it be and not rushing. I call that when the financial tides recede, not just rushing to chase after those receding tides, but what has washed up on the shore.

Jenny Blake 00:49:41  What’s the new insight or opportunity here? If I don’t rush to chase after what was.

Eric Zimmer 00:49:46  It takes courage.

Jenny Blake 00:49:48  Yeah. But that’s a skill too. I don’t have courage. I don’t have some innate, courageous gene. And I never had an innate confidence gene. It’s like I just allow myself to not feel courageous or not feel confident. Or, as we said earlier, to feel awkward. Like all the things that we would make wrong. I just keep taking the small steps. A while ago I had postcards made for my business. They said build first, courage second, which is courage follows action. It’s not the other way around.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:16  Absolutely, yes. I mean, that is such a truism, you know, that if we wait to do certain things to, we’re not afraid of doing them. We will never do them. And there are just some things that are for certain types of people, always going to produce some fear, you know, like, I’m never going to have a difficult conversation with somebody where I have to bring up something that they’re doing that I’m not happy with, that I would like to be different or at least discuss.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:41  Maybe I’m selling myself short, but I think it’s pretty unlikely that I’m ever going to go into one of those without a great deal of trepidation. It’s just there. I just know it’s there. It seems that the more I do it, it gets a little bit easier. I’m not saying it doesn’t get better, but I’m still like, I don’t like doing it. It makes me anxious, it makes me nervous. And if I wait until the right time, I’ll never do it.

Jenny Blake 00:51:05  Yeah. And I feel like something else that we don’t really discuss enough in the realm of career and business are different personality types. Like the more empathic you are or the more sensitive you are. And I find that for me, being a highly sensitive person and empath, I get overwhelmed very easily and just like you, if it’s going to involve a tough conversation, it’s very easy to get overwhelmed. That’s very different than if I’m taking advice from practically like the sociopath CEO next door who just doesn’t care at all.

Jenny Blake 00:51:33  Right? Some people are just built in a way that they’re don’t care. They’re not bothered, and it doesn’t you don’t have to be a sociopath. But that’s giving an extreme example. I cannot compare what I find challenging or overwhelming, I mean, even often, I kind of used to beat myself about networking. Like, I get so overwhelmed at big events or parties, or I don’t want to be on the phone with anyone, let alone, like running around trying to build my network just doesn’t work for me the way that I know other people are so good at it because it energizes them. And I’ve told myself, oh, if you were better at if you had more patience for like connecting with people. But I love being with my dog at the park, just like listening to podcast non-verbal, you know? And so anyway, I think we need to give ourselves some grace to anything in this self-development world, spiritual world. It’s almost like everything is a paradox. So everything has two sides of the coin and also these neuroses or the sensitivities, their superpowers.

Jenny Blake 00:52:27  And they mean that I’m overwhelmed more easily than some next person or someone that wrote a book where it makes it sound so easy.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:33  Yeah, I think that’s so important because if you’re an empathetic person, it’s going to make certain things harder, but it’s going to make other things easier and better. And trying to be somebody we’re not is really problematic. Like I used to think I should be able to just have that conversation and not have it worry me. But that would make me not me. Because part of the reason it’s hard is because I actually do care. And I am compassionate, and I am sensitive to not wanting to make someone else feel bad. But that is also, as you said, sort of a superpower. So I have to I have to balance those things out. We are running out of time, but I want to hit one last thing, which is you’ve actually made an acronym out of something I’ve said to coaching clients for years. A little bit of something is better than a lot of nothing.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:18  And you have a phrase better than nothing, and you actually call it BTN. So talk to me about better than nothing.

Jenny Blake 00:53:25  Yeah, BTN can work both ways as then it can be positive. And I think sometimes it can be negative. Where I originated, this abbrev BTN was actually in relationships where sometimes I was finding myself in bad relationships dating wise, because I would say to myself, well, it’s better than nothing. And I would kind of be settling.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:44  Yeah.

Jenny Blake 00:53:44  I also, at that time we call it like, cookie crumbs from someone who’s just tossing out a few crumbs. And I’m like, oh, thank you for these crumbs. And somehow operating on a paradigm that, well, this is better than nothing. Having known that’s not true. So anyone or anything that’s draining you, that you dread, that is just any manner of making you feel worse after an interaction than better. That’s not better than nothing, right? They’re actually taking your life force. Yes, I’m sure you’ve talked about that many times.

Jenny Blake 00:54:13  However, on the positive side, better than nothing. It’s like, again, if either of us were perfectionists about our podcasts, we wouldn’t have one at all because no episode is perfect. They have to go out every week, no matter their imperfections, no matter the misspeak or the filler words or the awkward nit moments. Sure, some of it gets fixed in editing, but then some of it doesn’t. Some conversations are better than others, and sometimes I feel so bad like, oh no, but if I produce something that’s not the best there is, people stop listening. And the whole cascade of future tripping worry of catastrophizing what’s going to go wrong. But the better than nothing is something is better than nothing. And if you put something out and you do it again, it’s really a thousand tiny iterations over time that are what you see from anybody producing anything. I guarantee that none of us goes home at the end of the day. Don’t let me speak for everyone else. But saying, oh, that was so perfect, right? It’s just that I did it.

Jenny Blake 00:55:07  Yep. And that was rewarding. And it’s imperfect. And actually now with all these ChatGPT and AI and deepfake video, they’re so uncanny and horrible. Like, if you hear a podcast, I don’t really like the shows where it’s clear they’re just reading off of a script. It’s too perfect, right? Right. It takes some of the humanity out. Yep. So secretly, I think even though we are hard on ourselves and we think that, oh, perfect or nothing better than nothing is actually the life giving mantra, done is better than perfect. And in the book, I say it’s like cookie dough is just as good as the baked cookies sometimes. So look for the cookie dough in your life or your business, where unfinished imperfect is sometimes even tastier than the finished product.

Eric Zimmer 00:55:52  Before we wrap up, I want you to think about this. Have you ever ended the day feeling like your choices didn’t quite match the person you wanted to be? Maybe it was autopilot mode or self-doubt that made it harder to stick to your goals.

Eric Zimmer 00:56:07  And that’s exactly why I created The Six Saboteurs of Self-control. It’s a free guide to help you recognize the hidden patterns that hold you back and give you simple, effective strategies to break through them. If you’re ready to take back control and start making lasting changes. Download your copy now at once. Let’s make those shifts happen starting today. When you feed Net book. Well, I think that is a beautiful place for us to wrap up. Thank you so much for coming on. It’s been such a pleasure. And my new friends from podcast metric, it has increased by one today.

Speaker 6 00:56:46  Oh, I love that.

Jenny Blake 00:56:49  Thank you so much, Eric. Yeah. And like any love notes from listeners, it’s like if one person if this helps your day improve, we’ve done our job. So thank you so much for having me. And big thanks to everybody who’s here listening.

Eric Zimmer 00:57:03  Bye, everyone. Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend.

Eric Zimmer 00:57:13  Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity, but we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the One You Feed community.

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