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Habits & Behavior Change

A collection of The One You Feed Episodes that deal with building habits or changing your behavior.

Why Willpower Isn’t Enough: The Tiny Habits Method Explained with Dr. BJ Fogg

December 23, 2025 Leave a Comment

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If you’re feeling overwhelmed and don’t have the luxury of doing less, Overwhelm Is Optional offers simple tools you can use in under ten minutes a day. Learn more at oneyoufeed.net/overwhelm

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In this episode, Dr. BJ Fogg, explains why willpower isn’t enough and the science behind his tiny habits method. He explores the psychology of habit formation, emphasizing that lasting change comes from starting small, celebrating successes, and practicing self-compassion rather than relying on willpower or self-criticism. Dr. Fogg shares practical strategies for designing habits that fit individual contexts, explains his behavior model, and discusses how positive reinforcement and flexibility foster sustainable transformation. Personal stories and vivid analogies illustrate how anyone can create meaningful change by nurturing tiny habits and focusing on progress over perfection.

Exciting News!!! Coming in March, 2026, my new book, How a Little Becomes a Lot: The Art of Small Changes for a More Meaningful Life is now available for pre-orders!


Key Takeaways:

  • Behavior change and habit formation
  • The “Tiny Habits” method and its principles
  • The importance of positivity in personal transformation
  • Breaking down aspirations into small, manageable actions
  • Embracing mistakes as learning opportunities
  • The role of self-compassion in habit formation
  • The Fogg Behavior Model: motivation, ability, and prompts
  • The significance of context in habit design
  • Strategies for troubleshooting and enhancing behavior change
  • The impact of celebrating small successes on habit reinforcement

BJ Fogg is the founder of the Behavior Design Lab at Stanford University. In addition to his research, he teaches industry innovators how human behavior really works. He created the Tiny Habits Academy to help people around the world. His work focuses on creating new ways to understand behavior and new methods for designing change solutions into a powerful system he calls It’s a powerful system he calls “Behavior Design.”

Connect with Dr. BJ Fogg: Website | Instagram | LinkedIn 

If you enjoyed this conversation with Dr. BJ Fogg, check out these other episodes:

How to Create Elastic Habits that Adapt to Your Day with Stephen Guise

How to Make Lasting Changes with John Norcross

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Episode Transcript:

Eric Zimmer 00:00:00  Eight years ago, I was completely overwhelmed. Career. Two Teenage Boys A growing podcast a mother who needed care. That’s when I stumbled into something I now call the Still Point method, a way of using small moments throughout my day to change not how much I had to do, but how I felt while doing it. So I built something I wish I’d had back then. Overwhelm is Optional;  tools for when you can’t do less. It’s an email course that fits into moments that you already have less than ten minutes total a day. It’s not about doing less, it’s about relating differently to what you do. Holiday price is $29. Check it out at oneyoufeed.net/overwhelm.

BJ Fogg 00:00:46  What is the smallest habit I can do that will give me that outcome? Whether that’s less stress at work or eating differently, or sleeping better, or what have you.

Chris Forbes 00:01:03  Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts. We have quotes like garbage in, garbage out or you are what you think ring true.

Chris Forbes 00:01:15  And yet for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their good wolf.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:47  Here’s a sentence that causes a lot of damage. I just don’t have enough willpower because once you believe that, every stumble becomes evidence, every midday becomes a verdict. This is a rereleased time perfectly for the way we all start looking at the calendar and thinking, okay, 2026, this time I’m gonna get it right. But BJ Fogg offers a different lens in this conversation. Behavior isn’t a character trait, it’s a design problem. And when something isn’t happening, the question isn’t, what’s wrong with me? It’s what’s missing here.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:25  We missing a prompt? An easier version, a better setup. If you want 2026 to be less about big promises and more about steady traction, this conversation is a great reset. I’m Eric Zimmer and this is the one you feed. Hi BJ, welcome to the show Eric.

BJ Fogg 00:02:41  Thank you for inviting me.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:42  It is a pleasure to have you on again. We’re going to talk about your book, Tiny Habits The Small Changes that Change everything. But before we do, let’s start like we always do with a parable. There is a grandfather who’s talking with his granddaughter. And he says, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the granddaughter stops and thinks about it for a second and looks up at her grandfather, and she said, well, grandfather, which one wins? And the grandfather says, the one you feed.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:20  So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

BJ Fogg 00:03:26  Wow, it’s such a great parable. It has a lot of meanings, I think right now, as with Tiny Habits and what I’m teaching and researching, in some ways, the biggest meaning for that for me is are you going to focus on the positive, or are you going to focus on the negative in your life? And that in some ways is one of the main messages of Tiny Habits is you change best by feeling good and not by feeling bad. Now I wrote down some other interpretations of that parable, but let me just stop there. That’s how I think about it primarily right now.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:00  Yeah, that’s great, because that was kind of one of the places I was going to go very early in the conversation. So let’s just go there now, which is that idea. If people change best by feeling good, not by feeling bad. We tend to talk very negatively to ourselves in an attempt to get ourselves to change.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:17  But the research that you’ve done, and you know, a lot of work that I’ve done and with different people kind of shows it’s not really the way it works. So explain why feeling good is a better way to go about it than feeling bad.

BJ Fogg 00:04:29  You know, it was about eight years ago and it didn’t come out of my Stanford lab research. It came out of coach. I’d coached probably a thousand people in Tiny Habits, and I’d started sharing the Tiny Habits method probably about four months earlier. So this would have been about eight years ago. And every week I was coaching 2 to 300 people through email, tiny habits and teaching them this way to create habits that is really simple and really effective. And one day, about four months in, I got an email from a woman and in my book I call her Rhonda, which isn’t her real name, but from Rhonda and she’s. And it was Wednesday in the five day program. That’s the day where I really emphasized this technique I call celebration, which is a way to feel good.

BJ Fogg 00:05:12  And she said, wow, B.J., I now realize and thank you so much for helping me recognize that I’ve endured a lifetime of self trash talk. Right? And I remember exactly where I was sitting exactly the time of day. And my reaction, it was like, oh my gosh, I read it and I reread it and I was like, Because sure, we all criticize ourselves. We all said really high standards for ourselves and so on, but I didn’t feel like I had a lifetime of self trash talk, and that made me shift pretty dramatically. It was one of the key moments in my career where I thought, now. This thing, Tiny Habits, that’s kind of a this weird hobby I’ve been doing, you know, teaching all these people every week how to create habits. This can’t just be a weird hobby. This needs to be something bigger. And this and then, you know, in the emails that in the hundreds of thousands of people later that I was coaching, I saw the pattern really clearly that in general, people are feeling really discouraged, beat up, they beat themselves up, they trash talk.

BJ Fogg 00:06:16  And there’s this is a negative cloud over things. One of the big things I want from the book is for people to understand that you can have positive valence to things you do, and that actually the change, the lasting changes. You do better by feeling good and not feeling bad.

Eric Zimmer 00:06:34  Right? That’s such a fundamental thing that I’ve realized in doing this show, and over time is just like that. To learn to sort of be a friend to yourself is such a fundamental shift of orientation, but it makes such a big difference in the quality of life. I mean, we’re doing all these things habits, behavior change, all this so that our life is better. But that one change of like, all right, you know what? I’m not going to treat myself like a friend is so fundamental and important.

BJ Fogg 00:07:02  Yeah. And let me give an example. I don’t think this is in the book. There was so much I wanted to include in the book, and my editor would go, that’s the next book.

BJ Fogg 00:07:11  That’s a whole different book. But this may be too cliche a topic, but I’ll pick a thing that many people are trying to change how they eat so they are more fit and feel more fit, and when they slip up or however they look at it, they beat themselves up. And one way to think about that is look at yourself as like a baby or a toddler who’s just learning to walk. And when a baby is just learning to walk and that baby stumbles, you don’t go, oh, that was terrible. That was awful. Why did you mess up? You just hope the baby gets up and keeps going, and you chair the baby on for every tiny step it makes. And that’s exactly how we should be looking at ourselves and the habits we want in our life, and more broadly, the way we want to change our lives. If I really want to emphasize it, I say it this way how many people in this world on planet Earth have learned to walk? Okay. Billions.

BJ Fogg 00:08:06  Almost everybody. Not everybody. Almost everybody. How many of those have learned to eat in a way that keeps them at their optimal weight? A much smaller number. So the challenge of eating in an optimal way is actually harder than walking. And that’s not entirely true, but it’s good to help make the point that you’re like a little baby as you’re trying to change all these ways that you eat. And when you stumble, when you take these little falls. No big deal. Just get up and keep going and you will figure it out, right?

Eric Zimmer 00:08:41  I think that part of what happens with us in inhabits or all these things, is that we turn it into almost a moral failing. And I see this in the coaching work I do with people and you address it right away in the book. People show up and go, I’m the kind of person who, I’m lazy, I’m undisciplined. I’m, you know, it’s all these things that are personality traits which, you know, one of the things I’ve learned and I learned a lot of it from looking at your work, right, is that this is all stuff that we can learn.

Eric Zimmer 00:09:14  We can learn to change. We just have never been taught. Some people stumble their way into it, but most of us don’t.

BJ Fogg 00:09:22  Yeah, and you’re absolutely right. First part of Tiny Habits I start right there. It’s like, you know, you’ve probably tried to change and for some things you haven’t succeeded. And guess what? That’s not your fault. And it was about ten years ago. And speaking at Stanford that I started getting really cranky. You know, I organized conferences and I speak at conferences. And then I just started getting up at health conferences and saying, when you create a product or program to help people change and they fail. That is not a neutral experience. You have set that person back, you have damaged that person. So stop creating products and programs that set people up for failure. And I’m usually a super optimistic, positive guy. People think I’m a lot like Mr. Rogers. But when it comes to this, you know, creating a program that people put faith in and they fail.

BJ Fogg 00:10:12  I get cranky, and that’s one of the big things I want to help people understand is if you haven’t been able to change habits or transform the life in the way you want, like you said, it’s not a personal failing. It’s not a moral failing. You just haven’t been given the right way to succeed yet. And that’s what I hope to give people with tiny habits.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:36  Yeah. Couldn’t agree more. So also, early in the book, you say that in order to design successful habits and change your behaviors. You should do three things, and I’ll just read them and then we can just talk about them real briefly. We’ve kind of covered the first one. Stop judging yourself right. Second is take your aspirations and break them down into tiny behaviors, and then finally embrace mistakes as discoveries and use them to move forward. And so that’s sort of a three step process for what unfolds through the whole rest of the book. But let’s talk about the second two of those. Take your aspirations and break them down into tiny behaviors.

BJ Fogg 00:11:10  So important. What doesn’t work very well is to have something abstract that you want to achieve, and just try to motivate yourself toward the abstraction. So if you think, wow, I’m really stressed at work, I really need to get myself to not be stressed and just like, hey, don’t stress, don’t stress, it’s an abstraction. Or even eat differently, or exercise, or read more or sleep better. All of those things are not specific behaviors. Those are the results of doing specific behaviors, and the right way to do it is to figure out what is the smallest action or the smallest habit I can do that will give me that outcome, whether that’s less stress at work or eating differently, or sleeping better, or what have you. And so, as you saw in Tiny Habits that once you’re clear on your aspiration, the very next step is to figure out what is the right behavior for me, the specific behavior. And often that’s a new habit. And that’s when you can design for that habit and reach the outcome.

BJ Fogg 00:12:15  So you got to go from the abstract idea, which I usually call an aspiration, say, oh, I want to be more mindful and then break that down into a very specific behavior that you want to do, and you can do, and you design for that behavior. And through succeeding in that behavior, you can reach the abstraction. You can be more mindful or sleep better or whatever aspiration you have.

Eric Zimmer 00:12:40  Right. And I want to talk more in a few minutes about that concept of breaking down into tiny behaviors and sort of finding what you call golden behavior. So we’ll head there in a second. But let’s hit embrace mistakes as discoveries and use them to move forward real quick before we before we go there.

BJ Fogg 00:12:56  Yeah. Well, let me give an example to happened about two weeks ago for me. I was speaking at an event and up on the stage, on the table where I was speaking, there was a cup of water. And as I was speaking, and I tend to be kind of a kinetic person, I move around a lot and I like being active and whatever.

BJ Fogg 00:13:14  And I knocked the water over like I knocked it over and it spilled on the papers and the handouts I had, and I just kept going. I was like, oh, but my reaction wasn’t, man, BJ, you’re so clumsy. And what did you do? It was just I kept going and my reaction was, wow, you just kept going without missing a beat. Good for you. So the difference there is. Yeah. Let’s say maybe ten years ago. Had I done that, I would have been like, you hit the water, you knocked it over. Could somebody please bring me a towel? You know, I’d be beating myself up, but because I practice tiny habits and this thing of where you really emphasize the positive and the things that don’t go like you want, you just let them go. You don’t react to them. My natural reaction was not to react and then go, wow, good for me. I just didn’t miss a beat here. Now there are ways you can learn to do that.

BJ Fogg 00:14:09  And you know, like you said earlier, change can be learned. And the way I talk about it is change as a skill. It’s actually a set of skills. And one of those skills is to be able to feel good about, a success, no matter how tiny it is. And the flip side of that is when things don’t go as you don’t just let it go, don’t obsess about it. Don’t be yourself. Let it go. So you you upregulate the positive and you down regulate the negative.

Eric Zimmer 00:14:37  Rate, which is challenging to do but so important. And I think what you’re talking about there, and the thing that I think a lot of people when we when we talk about making habits small, is that a lot of people are caught in all or nothing thinking. Right. They’re, they’re, they’re caught into. Well, either I’m going to go to the gym for an hour or it’s not worth doing. And and what that leads to is a lot of not worth doing right.

Eric Zimmer 00:15:05  You know, a little bit of something is better than a lot of nothing, right? And that’s kind of the Tiny Habits piece. And I think the other important thing about embrace mistakes is discoveries, is that one of the things I’ve realized is that there is no perfection in this game. Right? And expecting perfection is often what derails a perfectly good habit or behavior change. Things are going well. Exactly. And then exactly slips happen. Or call them whatever you want. They’re inevitable. Right? But people don’t know that. And so they go, I’m failing. Which then kicks back into that first mindset of, oh, see, I knew I couldn’t do it. And so I love that idea of mistakes. Discoveries. What can I learn from this?

BJ Fogg 00:15:48  You know, that’s part of our culture, at least part of Western culture, California culture, where I live. And I pushed on that and I thought, where did this come from? And as I looked at it, it seems to have come from there’s a guy in 1890, William James, who wrote a textbook called Principles of Psychology.

BJ Fogg 00:16:07  And chapter four of that textbook is about habits. Now, the overall textbook took ten years to write. And if the people listening to this haven’t read William James Chapter four, go get it. You can buy a little book of it for $9 online, or you can just download the whole text for free. But he talks about habits there and what I’ve found in that chapter in his work, which was so influential just set the foundation for how people thought about habits and behavior and human psychology for decades to come. He talks about as you’re trying to he gives this analogy of like, you’re winding yarn into a ball and he says, don’t ever miss a day. That’s like dropping the yarn and it becomes all unwound. Well, he’s he’s wrong. But that’s where that’s possibly where the thinking came from. Now, to William James’s credit. So many of the things he wrote in 1890 are just right on, just boom, he nailed it. And a lot of the people that are talking about habits are basically just recycling William James.

BJ Fogg 00:17:11  But the area where I think he gets it wrong is in that one case. And unfortunately, I think it’s influenced our thinking that, yeah, you’ve got to be perfect and never miss a day and so on. Well guess what? Nobody’s perfect. And it’s just like practicing anything else, whether it’s piano or basketball or tennis or dancing, you’re not going to be perfect. And if you stop as soon as you make a mistake, you’ll never learn to play the piano or speak French or basketball. It’s just part of the process.

Eric Zimmer 00:17:38  Yeah, I think that analogy of speaking French is the good one. I’ve used it sometimes recently when talking with people about addiction, about like, well, you know, you start learning to speak French and at first you can only do it like, you know, a couple sentences and then you take a class and you can sort of talk with the teacher and you’re getting better. And then you go out in the world and you can order a croissant, you know, in French, and then you run into a real French speaker and they just start talking and you’re like, I’m completely lost, right? And that’s that’s the normal evolution.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:07  And so you get better. And so what I see a lot of people do is I’ve got this behavior down in a lot of contexts. And then I hit a new context that I don’t have it down in. And instead of going, oh, okay, well what can I learn about how to speak French when I’m in this situation? We go, I’m just terrible at French and and and abandon the whole thing. And you’re right. If if we treat building habits like we would treat those other things, we’d accept learning as part of the process.

BJ Fogg 00:18:34  Yeah, exactly. And that’s right on one of the, frameworks. And this isn’t in the book. Some things related to it are in Tiny Habits. But when you look at a habit, it is a person doing an action in a given context. And I mentioned this briefly in the book, but I’ll go a little bit further here. So I have it isn’t just the action. It’s not just the, you know, eating broccoli for breakfast or walking around the block for an hour or, you know, meditating for 21 minutes in the evening.

BJ Fogg 00:19:07  It’s a type of person doing an action in a given context. And if you change the context, then it’s a different habit. So you working out while you’re at home and your normal routine is a different habit than you working out while you’re traveling in a hotel. And to build on your point. People don’t recognize. That’s a different habit. So don’t be hard on yourself. When you travel and you don’t work out, that’s a different habit. You can create the habit, but don’t expect the workout at home habit to transfer just automatically to when you travel.

Eric Zimmer 00:19:41  That’s a really great way to put it and is absolutely true in my experience. It took me a long time. I traveled a lot for work until I started doing this full time, but it took me a while to figure out how to do things that I did at home pretty easily. And I would initially, like you said, be frustrated. But I kind of realized like, oh, I need to have my own version of this for when I’m in a hotel.

Eric Zimmer 00:20:05  It looks very different and I need to not leave it to chance.

BJ Fogg 00:20:09  Yeah, well, let me give you a true example from my life. Very simple. So here at home, I have this rock solid habit of how I take vitamins. It’s wired in. It happens all the time. I don’t have to think about it. And then I’m on a trip and I notice it’s like noon or something at the conference, and it’s like, I haven’t taken my vitamins. Well guess what? Because I don’t have a recipe. A tiny habit recipe for that. I haven’t wired it in. So I realized, like you said, I need to create a habit for this. So the habit I have when I travel is I put my vitamins, I prepackaged them, and then in the morning, as I’m getting dressed in the hotel room, I take the vitamins and I put them in my pocket. I don’t actually swallow the vitamins. I just put them in my pocket and which kind of maps what I do.

BJ Fogg 00:20:58  At home. I take the vitamins and I put them in a little dish. I’m kind of shaking the dish right now and through the day. At home, I take the vitamins because they’re in the dish. But when I travel, what you know, I’ll put my hands in my pocket. They’re the vitamins and I’ll take a couple. So I very specifically figured out what is the habit that will get me to take my vitamins, even when I’m traveling? And realizing that the habit I had at home of putting in a little dish and taking my vitamins out of the drawer wasn’t going to generalize to all contexts, and I just needed to create a different habit for it. And once I have it done, it’s done.

Eric Zimmer 00:21:55  Our first episode together, we covered this, but that’s a long time ago, and I think we should just do it again. And let’s talk about the Fogg behavioral model, because I think understanding this unlocks a lot of how behaviors occur or don’t occur.

BJ Fogg 00:22:09  In explaining the model.

BJ Fogg 00:22:11  You can explain it like two sentences. Behavior happens when three things come together at the same time motivation, ability, and a prompt. And if any one of those three things is missing, the behavior won’t happen. So that’s probably the simplest explanation.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:27  And so let’s define each of those real quickly. I think motivation most people understand it’s it’s a desire to do it right. Right. Ability. What what do you mean when you’re using the word ability in this case.

BJ Fogg 00:22:39  Yeah. It’s essentially your capacity. And I define ability. There’s five factors. How much time it takes. You have the time required to do this. How much money it takes. Do you have the money required to do this. And some things require no money. Some require a lot, and anywhere in between. How much thinking it requires, how much physical effort. And the last of the five. And this is maybe the most subtle, but it’s really important is how well does it fit into my routine versus breaking my routine.

BJ Fogg 00:23:11  And so when you’re looking at is a new habit easy to do. And I have a chain model, I call it the ability chain. You think of five links time, money, physical effort, mental effort, and routine? As you look at a new habit like, oh, I want to go to bed, you know, as soon as my favorite TV show is over. Now, is that easy to do? Do you have the time to do it? Probably. Do you have the money? Probably. do you have physical effort? Mental effort? Probably. But boom. Routine. Well, it conflicts with my other routines of calling my mom or doing these other things. Well, then that’s not going to be easy. So the way I define ability is it’s a function of the weakest link in that chain. So it can be any of those factors if it’s required for that habit or the behavior. If it’s a weak link and it’s needed, then that’s what makes it hard to do.

Eric Zimmer 00:24:01  And motivation and ability have a relationship with each other. Right. The harder something is, the more motivation you need. The easier something is, the less motivation you need, which really sits at the heart of the Tiny Habits model, which is if you do something really small. You don’t need a ton of motivation, which is good because we all know motivation goes up and down.

BJ Fogg 00:24:24  Yeah, and I used to call that a trade off relationship. You could have more or less or one or the other. In about five years ago, some guy called me out and said, it’s not a trade off, it’s a substitute relationship. And I was like, well, sort of. So I went looking like, what is the right word for this relationship? And I finally found it. And it’s a big word. I’ll probably stumble on it. It’s a compensatory relationship, so they compensate for each other. And that’s kind of a huge mouthful. But I’m geeking out now by saying it’s a compensatory relationship.

BJ Fogg 00:24:58  But the easier way to think about it is they work like teammates. If one of them is weak, the other must be strong and vice versa. They both can be strong, but they both can’t be weak. If you have low motivation and it’s really hard to do. Guess what? The habits are not going to form so one can compensate for the other. and thinking of them as teammates, where one picks up the slack for the other, I think is a good way to go.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:21  Yeah, I really like that concept of being teammates. And, you know, if one’s weak, the other needs to be strong. And so you then talk about troubleshooting a behavior. So we want to do a behavior. And we’re not doing it for whatever reason. And you say that in order to do that there are a specific set of steps for troubleshooting this common problem. And it goes through the pieces in your model, not in the order people might think.

BJ Fogg 00:25:48  Exactly. So the behavior model which is behavior, happens when motivation, ability, or prompt all come together.

BJ Fogg 00:25:54  That is a model. It’s a way of thinking and it describes how behavior works. The broader category, the broader name for my work I call behavior design, which is a set of models. One of them is the behavior model, and it’s a set of methods. One of those is the Tiny Habits method. And together it’s a system. Everything works together, the behavior is systematic, and the way you design for behavior is systematic. Going to the behavior model and troubleshooting. The question you asked me is a very specific thing, and it’s super helpful when there’s a behavior you want to happen and it’s not happening. Typically people get upset, so they go into motivation mode. so let’s say I have asked my brother to send me the itinerary to the fishing trip, and he doesn’t send it to me. I could get upset and say, hey, Steve, where’s the itinerary? You know, I need this. I’m a busy person. That’s the wrong move. What you do is you start from the other end of the model and you start with prompt and you say, was there something to remind my brother? Something to prompt or remind him to send me the itinerary for the fishing trip? And if not, make sure there’s a prompt that’s step one if it’s still not happening.

BJ Fogg 00:27:03  So if I know Steve is being prompted and he’s not sending me the fishing itinerary, then I don’t go to motivation yet. I go to ability. Okay, what’s making this hard for Steve to do? Does he have the time? Is it required too much thinking? So if I make it easier to do. Steve, all I need you to do is send me the start date and the end date. I don’t need every little detail, so I’m scaling back the behavior to something tiny and usually Eric, in most cases, if somebody has a prompt and it’s really easy to do, the behavior will happen. There are times it won’t. And then, you know, you have a motivation challenge on your hands. So the troubleshooting order is not what most people think it is intuitively. And I used to think this until I studied it and mapped it out and figured out the system. It’s checked the prompt first. If there’s one there, check ability, make it easier to do. And then if you arrive at motivation, then you go.

BJ Fogg 00:28:02  And there’s different ways to motivate and motivate. And it’s it’s a much trickier issue. So it actually we want to talk about helping friends and family do things we want them to do. It can really save or at least help you not damage a relationship because you don’t go into like getting upset at your brother for not setting the itinerary. Instead of you, help him be successful through setting a prompt or make it easier to do so. It’s really a nice way. Very practical, like everyday kind of thing where you think, okay, I don’t want to get angry or upset or threaten. All of those are motivational strategies. So prompt ability. And then if you have to you go into the motivation.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:42  Yeah I think that’s so important a in troubleshooting a behavior why something’s not happening. And B because most of us jump immediately to motivation and in any context not just changing behavior. I think guessing at someone else’s motivation can get us in a lot of hot water, because we just don’t know well.

BJ Fogg 00:29:01  And the people around me hear about behavior, design, and tiny habits and behavior model all the time.

BJ Fogg 00:29:07  So it’s like just part of the language of how we discuss. So if my partner wants me to do something and I don’t do it, and he reminds me to do something and he gets a little bit upset, I’ll just say, Denny. This is not a motivation issue. It’s an ability issue. It’s you know, it’s I don’t have the time right now. And I think that helps. It’s like, so they understand I’m motivated to do this thing you want me to do, but I just can’t. It’s an ability factor, not a motivation factor. And I think that well, one it’s true. And then two, it helps people understand that you really do want to help them or comply with what they’re saying. It’s not a motivation lack. It is either a prompt that was missing at the right time, or somehow the task seems too hard to do right.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:54  And I want to get into, troubleshooting ability in a minute, although we kind of talked about it, but I want to start with motivation briefly, because there’s something you wrote in the book that really stood out for me, and I’ll just read it because I think it’s really useful.

Eric Zimmer 00:30:08  It says hope and fear are vectors that push against each other, and the sum of those two vectors is your overall motivation level. If you can remove the vector of fear, then hope will predominate. Your overall motivation level will be higher. And I just I never thought of it in quite those terms that those two things combine to be motivation in one way to increase motivation is decrease fear.

BJ Fogg 00:30:32  Yeah. You said it so well. And that’s a more sophisticated use of the behavior model. Behavior model 101 is a way you can describe it in two minutes as you’re drawing it out. Right. And one thing I want people, readers of Tiny Habits, to be able to do is to be able to say, here’s how behavior works, and explain it and draw it out in two minutes or less. And in fact, in Tiny Habits, I’ve written the word for word script for that. I got some pushback from my editor saying no, and I was like, no, this is really important. Let’s put this in.

BJ Fogg 00:31:04  It’s in the appendix. Because being able to teach something helps people learn it better. And so. This insight that motivation or vectors pushed that’s more like behavior model level 300. But it’s pretty easy to understand if I’m motivated to. Let’s say I’ll call out an example from the book. There’s lots of examples, but this is a fun, goofy one, I think. Say you’re at a company party and they hired a band and people are dancing, and part of you says, oh man, I’d really like to be out there dancing. It would be fun. Maybe I’d look cool. So that’s hope. You know, like, if I dance, then I’ll have fun. If I dance, I might look cool. And then you have a motivator, which is probably fear. What if I look like a fool out there? What if the boss sees me and then things poorly of me and doesn’t promote me? So you have hope and fear pushing on each other. And if you can get rid of the fear, you’ll get out on the dance floor.

BJ Fogg 00:31:59  Now some people do that through alcohol, which is not what I’m recommending. But in, you know. So, you know, when people drink, they get less inhibited and they don’t worry so much about what others think. at a dance conference that I designed at Stanford, it’s called design for dance. Everybody danced. It was like I had to drop a hat, everybody to jump up and dance at a different health conference I organized. People didn’t. There was just a lot of fear. But then I handed out sunglasses. And what was funny about that was when people put sunglasses on, that took away a motivator and people started dancing because they felt less watched. You know, sunglasses give you the sense of being more anonymous. And so that was really it wasn’t a true I mean, it wasn’t like a lab experiment. It was just sort of a field test of what if I hand out sunglasses? Will more people dance? And the answer is yes. And it’s for exactly this dynamic where you’re not motivating people to dance.

BJ Fogg 00:32:59  You are taking away a motivator, a fear of looking stupid or feeling stupid.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:03  Yeah. And I just thought that was was so well put. So let’s go back to maybe behavior design 200 from jumping ahead to 300. And let’s talk about, you know, one of the core things you say with troubleshooting a behavior, right, is to ask yourself, how can I make this behavior easier to do. You call it the breakthrough question. So, you know, just to put all this in context of everything else, I’ve come up with an idea. I’ve come up with behaviors I’m going to do, and I’m not doing them. I’ve looked and I’ve gone, okay, I don’t think it’s a prompt issue. let me check in on ability. Right. And and ability is about how easy is it to do so what are some ways we can make a behavior easier to do.

BJ Fogg 00:33:49  Well there’s three general ways. But before you dive into that, you ask yourself the earlier question like what’s making it hard to do? And if you have some insight, is it time Then when you solve for it, you say, how do I get more time? If it’s money, how do I get more money? Or how do we make it cheaper if it’s physical effort and so on.

BJ Fogg 00:34:08  So let’s say it’s time. Let’s say that you want to meditate and you know, it’s just too hard to do. And you figure out it’s a time factor. So really you have three options. one is you can train the person or train yourself so you have more time. Number two, you can put a tool or resource in your context. that would reduce the time required to do that behavior in this case meditate. And the third option you can do any one of these or multiple is you take the action the meditation and you scale it back and make it smaller. So instead of thinking about meditating for 30 minutes, meditate for three. So those are the three levers you have to pull. You can change the person, train them or scale them up. You might get more effective at meditating and short bursts. For example, you can put a tool or resource in your environment. It might be a podcast direction meditation that might be thrown on the TV. It goes right to meditation, or you just scale it back and make it tiny.

BJ Fogg 00:35:08  And that third one is the hack and tiny habits. You take any new habit you want. And yes, you redesign your environment so it’s easy, but you also take the action itself and you scale it back to make it super tiny. Not you don’t floss all your teeth. You floss just one. You don’t do 20 push ups. You do just two. you don’t have to read a whole chapter in the book. Read one paragraph. And that’s a skill, knowing how to scale it back and make that behavior super tiny. And you’re asking such a good question. So I’m going to preempt the next question. When you make it super tiny, the thing that shifts dramatically is you don’t need high levels of motivation to do something that’s really easy. So now you’re not relying on motivation anymore. And so by making a tiny, you kind of I call it the motivation monkey in the book. You kind of outsmart the motivation monkey because you’ve made it so small. You don’t need much motivation to meditate for three minutes or to do two pushups, right?

Eric Zimmer 00:36:06  And then further to elaborate on the tiny habit method, you do the change, the habit, the tiny one, and then you celebrate.

Eric Zimmer 00:36:16  Celebration is a big, big thing for you. Yeah, because what celebration does is effects motivation and ability. So let’s talk about what celebration is and why it’s so important to your method.

BJ Fogg 00:36:28  So celebration is the word that I selected for a technique that you do something that helps you feel successful in that moment. So it could be a fist pump. I think of Tiger Woods doing a fist pump. It can be upraised arms. I think of Michael Phelps, you know, setting a world record. it can be a little dance. It can be smiling yourself, whatever that thing is that helps you feel happy and successful. You can use it as a celebration. And this feeling is what wires in the habit. So it’s not repetition that creates the habit. We’ll probably get there in a minute. It is the emotion. It’s the feeling of success. So celebration is the technique to feel successful. And by doing an effective celebration, you are supercharging the speed of habit formation.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:43  What happens to either motivation or ability as we celebrate?

BJ Fogg 00:37:47  Well, when you celebrate, not only does it rewire your brain and make the behavior more automatic, more of a habit, but it also makes you want to do it more in the future, so it has a direct effect on motivation.

BJ Fogg 00:38:00  The effect on ability is indirect. The more we do a behavior, the easier it becomes. So the more often I wash my dog. You know, the first time I wash my dog is going to take a while, and then the next time I 30% less, the next time 20%, and it gets easier and easier to do. Now there’s a point where it’s about as easy as it can get. But as we’re creating habits, the more we do the behavior, the easier it gets. And if we don’t feel successful the first time we do a behavior, we may not do it again. So there’s a direct connection between celebration and forming the habit. There’s a direct connection between celebration and your motivation to do it again. And there’s an indirect real effect on the behavior becoming easier to do. So all of those things benefit from this technique called celebration. And I know some people listening to me are going to think I’m crazy. And because this is not what you’ve heard before. This is not the traditional way, but it is the right way.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:58  And so let’s take someone who is typically hard on themselves, right? Somebody who feels like I should be able to go to the gym for an hour and a half, and now I’m doing two push ups. How on earth do I feel good about that?

BJ Fogg 00:39:14  There’s a few reasons to feel good about that. So let’s take I mean, push ups are a really good starting point. If somebody wants to have like a full on kind of workout routine, starting with just two push ups and recognizing that as a success is a great way to go. it is a success because as you do two push ups and as you do it consistently, you are actually changing your behavior. It may not be a huge change, but it is a change. It is a change. And so one way to think about it is here’s all the times I’ve tried to change my behavior and it didn’t work. And boom. I did the two pushups. I actually made a change. Good for me. Now, the ability to feel good about a tiny success is a skill, so I can’t tell you exactly.

BJ Fogg 00:40:01  You know, here it is. Just do it. You’ll have to play around with it. Just like I can tell you how to dance or play the piano, but you kind of got to do it yourself to figure out what works for you. But I’ll just call it out that as you allow yourself to feel successful about even the tiniest of successes, that will then open the door to a lot of ripple effects. So what happens is you start making other changes in your life, and then that habit will also grow. So too, push ups will naturally grow to more flossing. One tooth will grow. Flossing all your teeth, reading one paragraph will lead to reading more and so on. One of the keys in Tiny Habits. Well, the phrase I often use is plant a tiny seed in a good spot and it will grow without further coaxing. The tiny seed is like the new habit, and then you find a good spot. Where does this fit naturally in my life. And that’s important.

BJ Fogg 00:40:54  We haven’t quite talked about that yet. Eric. And then if you put it in a good spot and keep it nurture, it will naturally grow. And that’s exactly how habits work. So you can start them tiny. It’s easy to keep tiny ones nurtured and going and be consistent. And then it will naturally grow.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:10  And then how do we know when it’s time to grow a habit? What ways do habits grow? How much do I grow? You know, like so okay, I start. I buy into the method. I’m like, all right, this makes sense. I haven’t had any success with what I’m doing. So I’m going to do this. I’m going to do my two push ups. But after I do my two push ups for a little while and I’m even trying to celebrate it.

BJ Fogg 00:41:33  Three quick answers and you can follow up on any one of them, is the idea that as you start tiny, if you want to do more, you can. You can always do more if you want.

BJ Fogg 00:41:45  And so you might push yourself to 8 or 12, but the habit is always just too, so you keep the bar low. So that’s one way to think about it. And it’s a really helpful way to think about it. If you keep raising the bar on yourself, then it’s no longer tiny and you won’t be as consistent with the habit. Number one. Number two, as you do a new behavior, big or small, even small ones. And then this in part is kind of one of the breakthroughs in the method as you feel successful on even doing a new behavior that’s super tiny, you will naturally start doing other behaviors that are consistent with that new one. So as soon as you start eating, let’s say cauliflower as an afternoon snack and you feel successful, you will then start making other eating habits naturally. Success leads to success within the domain. And then the other thing that happens, and I mentioned this a little bit earlier, is that the tiny habit will grow. You will develop more capacity to cook more healthy vegetables or do more push ups or read more or what have you.

BJ Fogg 00:42:46  That’s just a natural growth. So you have a multiplication of the habit, and then you have the habit growing at the same time. So there are different ways that something tiny can grow big. And I don’t like to tell people, just be patient and trust the process of change because nobody wants to hear. Be patient. But people need to understand that it is a process, like growing a seed or a tiny plant. And if you keep it nurtured and if the roots get established, it will grow. So focus on getting the roots established firmly. That’s the automaticity in your life. And then keep it nurtured and it will grow.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:25  Yeah, I have an example of this in my own life, and listeners have heard this story before, perhaps, but I had been an on again, off again meditator for two decades, probably more than that, where I just would get all inspired and I’d try and meditate and I’d read like, well, you should meditate for 30 minutes a day. So I’d sit down and meditate for 30 minutes a day, and I might gut it out for a day, a week, a month.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:49  But inevitably it was too hard for me, or I didn’t have the time or whatever. Right. And it would. It would die completely. And then three months might go by or six months would go by. Inevitably, I would pick up another book and I’d read about how important meditation is, and we’d we’d repeat the cycle.

BJ Fogg 00:44:06  That’s such a great example.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:07  Yeah, yeah. And so finally, it was shortly before I started the podcast. So we’re we’re at six plus years. I just went, all right, I’m going to do three minutes. I’m going to meditate for three minutes. But I’m going to do it every single day. And sure enough, that worked. And you know, now I meditate much closer to 30 minutes every day. I mean, there were some other changes I made to my mindset, some of the stuff that we’ve talked about here, about being easier on myself and what I expected out of meditation. But that change was fundamental, which is why when I sort of stumbled into your work a little bit later, I was like, yes, that’s exactly right.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:45  Because because I sort of found my way there and it’s made all the difference in the world. And the only other thing I would add to that is if I miss, which occasionally happens and I start to struggle, I will give myself permission to drop back down from like, okay, well normally I do 30 minutes, but you know what? I’m struggling. So I’m going to give myself permission to do 5 or 10 and get the habit kind of going again and then sort of allow it to build.

BJ Fogg 00:45:13  Yeah, I think you did it exactly right. Meditation is a hard habit to form, and one of the reasons is that as we are trying to meditate, we’re not feeling successful. We’re probably noticing how busy our minds are. And the thing that wires in a habit is the feeling of success, like I talked about earlier. So if you’re feeling like a failure, then your brain doesn’t want to do that again. Your brain wants to feel successful, so if you can feel successful, then it’ll become more and more automatic.

BJ Fogg 00:45:45  And if you feel super successful the first time you do something, it can wire in. Like I call it an instant habit. Meditation stuff. It’s not going to become an instant habit because we just become aware of the busyness of our minds. So by scaling it back and lowering the bar, giving yourself, you did it exactly right. And one of the analogies that I talk about a little bit in Tiny Habits. I really wanted to put it throughout the book, but my editors were like, no, we’re not doing you no, no, don’t do too much of this. But I think it’s a powerful analogy is to think of your habits as a garden. So imagine you have an acre of land and you’ve got different plants and trees growing there. You can either design them or not. If you don’t design them, you’ll get weeds, and every different plant or tree is going to be a different size. And there’s going to be different places for the different plants and trees, just like there’s different places in our lives for different habits.

BJ Fogg 00:46:42  And the meditation habit may not fit in a certain part of your garden a certain part of your day, but it may fit beautifully in a different spot. So one of the things that to be really good at creating habits and this is a skill. I explain how in the book is to find where does this new habit fit naturally in my day? Yes, you need to feel successful while you’re doing it so it wires in. But one of the keys is where does this fit? Naturally? If you’re super busy in the morning, the meditation is probably not going to fit there unless you make it really tiny. And I’m going to keep extending the analogy here. And you could you can make it really tiny in the morning and then transplant it once it gets going. And once you have some more skill and motivation, you can actually transplant it to another part of your day. I don’t know if you did that, Eric, but in the people I coach, that is a common thing. I’ll start it in one place and then they’ll transplant it just like a plant and it can go somewhere else, and then it will expand more.

BJ Fogg 00:47:41  So if you don’t have 30 minutes in your morning, you can get started with a tiny meditation habit. And then as you start building skill and motivation and feelings of success around it, move it to another spot of your day where you have 20 or 30 minutes so it can expand and fill that space.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:59  Yeah, that’s a great metaphor. And it has kind of moved around depending on kind of what’s happening in life and where it does fit. And I think what you said about success is so important. That was the other fundamental shift I made as I went. You know what, if I sit down and meditate, I get an A+. No matter what happens during that time, and if I don’t, then I don’t. I got completely out of the am I any good at this game? Because you’re right. Sitting there, you just are like, why would I want to do something that I feel like I’m failing at literally every three seconds?

BJ Fogg 00:48:31  And you did it exactly right. Now, the plant analogy.

BJ Fogg 00:48:35  I said my editors rained me in on that, and that’s fine. I may write a lot more on that later in a different book, but what the people working with me did very well. So I tend to be a person that’s like, do this, do this, do this, very instructional and very practical. And they’re like, no, let’s bring in these true stories. You’ve helped all these people transform their lives. Let’s tell those stories in detail. And so helping me bring those stories in and helping me understand that a story that is two pages long is okay, and that’s what readers want. So there’s a story about a woman who kicked her sugar addiction, a story about a woman who was super depressed, near suicidal, and pulled out of it using tiny habits and celebration story about as you saw a man who had a terrible relationship with his adult son, and he used the troubleshooting part of trying to eat habits to repair it. And a man who a middle aged man who was overweight and couldn’t seem to get on top of it.

BJ Fogg 00:49:35  Transformed his life and became almost like this fitness guru. And so I really appreciate the people who helped me bring in those true stories and see how valuable those are. That’s not my natural way of teaching, because I just want to like, here’s the information. Now apply it. But having these true stories and I made it clear to them, every story in there has to be true. I’m a scientist. My integrity and credibility rests on being absolutely all the stories are true. And then when I took like a month break from the book, you do get a break and I came back and read them as a new naive reader, I was like, oh my gosh, I see why these are so powerful. I get it, I feel it. I’m not going to forget this story. And then there’s an instruction that tells me how to achieve the same thing. So I still tell people the how to do everything. You probably saw in the appendices, the detailed flowcharts which I wanted to put right in the book.

BJ Fogg 00:50:32  Like everything step by step. And I’m like, no, no, no, somebody’s going to open the book, see a flowchart and close it, and they’re not going to buy it. So they can go in the appendix and they’re right. And so it was really great to have people help me understand the kind of book that can reach everyone, you know, telling the true stories of lives. Transform.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:53  Yeah, I agree, I think it is a very good summation of your work and really puts it into context when you see how people have actually used it. I think it really adds an element to it. And I think the book is really wonderful, and I think this is a good place for us to wrap up. You and I will talk a little bit more in the post-show conversation where we’re going to run through, actually, the seven steps in behavior design. We’ve kind of hit a couple of them here, but we’re going to kind of stack it together and we’ll do that in the post-show conversation.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:25  Listeners, if you’d like access to that and all kinds of other good stuff and support the show, you can go to one you feed net support.

BJ Fogg 00:51:32  Eric, let me raise the bar here a little bit. I will also share the name of the emotion that you feel when you’re feeling successful. Oh, I did all this research called experts. There’s no name for it. And so in the book, I name it. And in the post-show we’ll talk about that.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:47  Perfect. All right, listeners, there you go. BJ, thank you so much for coming on. It’s been a pleasure talking with you again.

BJ Fogg 00:51:53  Thank you.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:54  Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity, but we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:20  Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the one You Feed community.

Filed Under: Featured, Habits & Behavior Change, Podcast Episode

Why Anxiety is a Habit – and How Curiosity Helps Break the Loop with Dr. Jud Brewer

December 19, 2025 Leave a Comment

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In this episode, Dr. Jud Brewer explains why anxiety is a habit and how curiosity breaks that habit loop. He explores the difference between the feeling of anxiety and the mental habit of worry, and why curiosity and self-compassion are essential for real change. Drawing from his clinical work and research on digital therapeutics and AI-supported therapy, Dr. Brewer shows how learning from setbacks—and building distress tolerance—helps us recognize progress, unwind shame, and create lasting transformation.

Exciting News!!! Coming in March, 2026, my new book, How a Little Becomes a Lot: The Art of Small Changes for a More Meaningful Life is now available for pre-orders!


Key Takeaways:

  • Exploration of mental health and the role of habits in anxiety management.
  • Discussion of the parable of the two wolves and its relation to neuroscience and habit reinforcement.
  • Examination of the science of habit formation and the limitations of traditional habit replacement strategies.
  • Insights into digital therapeutics and the development of app-based mental health treatments.
  • Analysis of the potential and challenges of AI in therapy, including ethical considerations.
  • The importance of human connection in therapy and the unique value of human therapists.
  • The role of curiosity in managing anxiety and the distinction between anxiety as a feeling and worrying as a behavior.
  • The impact of self-criticism and shame on behavior change and the importance of self-compassion.
  • Techniques for cultivating distress tolerance and the gradual process of emotional growth.
  • Mindfulness practices, such as noting, to enhance awareness and reduce reactivity in challenging situations.

Judson Brewer, MD, PhD, is an internationally renowned addiction psychiatrist and neuroscientist. He is a full professor in the School of Public Health and Medical School at Brown University. His 2016 TED talk, “A Simple Way to Break a Bad Habit,” has been viewed more than 20 million times. He has trained Olympic athletes and coaches, government ministers, and business leaders. His book Unwinding Anxiety was a New York Times bestseller.

Connect with Dr. Jud Brewer: Website | Instagram 

If you enjoyed this conversation with Dr. Jud Brewer, check out these other episodes:

How to Manage Your Hunger Habit with Dr. Jud Brewer

Habits for Healing Anxiety with Dr. Jud Brewer

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Episode Transcript:

Eric Zimmer 00:01:10  There’s this painful place a lot of us know well. You’re working hard to change something, but your brain keeps insisting you’re failing. You cut your drinking in half, but all you can see are the nights you slipped. You have more calm days than anxious ones. But your attention goes straight to the bad moments. It’s like your inner scoreboard is rigged against you. My guest today, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Doctor Dr. Jud Brewer, has spent years studying how habits form in the brain and why we get stuck in these loops of anxiety, worry, and shame. His work shows that many of us are actually learning and progressing long before we give ourselves any credit. We talk about why worrying is a mental habit, how to use curiosity as a kind of superpower, and how to start seeing your real progress instead of only your missteps. I’m Eric Zimmer and this is the one you feed. Hi, Jud, welcome to the show.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:02:07  Thanks for having me.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:07  I’m happy to have you on. We’ve talked several times in the past. We’ve talked about unwinding anxiety. We’ve talked about habits.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:16  You’ve got a new workbook for your previous book, and the workbook is called Unwinding Anxiety Workbook. So we’re going to get to that in a moment. We’re also going to talk about a curious moment right now with AI therapy. There are promises and perils that are right at hand right now. And so I’m looking forward to talking about that because your your lab is actually starting to do research on it. So we’ll get to that in a second. But we’ll start in the way that we always do with the parable. And in the parable there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops and they think about it for a second, and they look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:09  So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:03:15  Well, it means a lot. And I love the parable because it fits perfectly both with my research, my clinical practice, my personal life, but also how our brains work. And really, if you look at it, you know we are feeding habits all the time. We might not even know that we’re doing it. And so every time we do something repetitively, we’re feeding that habit. And that can be a habit of kindness, that can be a habit of, you know, hate. It can be also any type of habit. And if we’re not aware, you know, the parable says the one you feed. If we don’t know what we’re feeding, we don’t know that we’re just automatically perpetuating things that might be helpful, but might not be helpful.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:59  Yeah, I think we both have studied Buddhism to a fair degree, and that’s my best working sort of idea of karma for me, which is that what I do now makes it easier to do the same thing again in the future, in essence.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:15  Right. Like, I’m just sort of wearing that groove a little bit more deeply.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:04:21  Yeah. And if karma, you know, my limited understanding is, you know, they talk about cause and effect. You know, if you do something, there’s an effect. It lines up perfectly with modern day neuroscience where we talk about reinforcement learning. You do a behavior and the result of that behavior is going to reinforce it.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:41  Yep. And we’re going to get into all of that in a minute because you have a very interesting approach. I talked to a lot of habits people I talked to Charles Duhigg just the other day. As a matter of fact, she wrote The Power of Habit and really popularized this idea of a habit loop and Charles’s big ideas. You sort of. Maybe it’s not his idea. The one that he popularized is that you replace the behavior in the middle, but you really talk about ways of undoing the whole loop entirely. But that’s a little teaser for you and listeners. We’re going to get there in a second.

Eric Zimmer 00:05:14  But I want to talk about AI therapy. What’s got you? Why are you interested in this? Why are you spending so much time on it?

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:05:22  Well, we spent the last now almost 15 years really diving into studying and developing digital therapeutics. And, you know, this is a fancy term for app based treatments. And that started with, you know, me being in the clinic, I was at the VA hospital at the time, seeing my patients out in the parking lot, smoking, you know. And I realized that they don’t learn to smoke in my office. They don’t learn to get anxious in my office. So we started testing out these ways to take my office and package it and deliver it to them at their fingertips. Right. And that’s when smartphones were starting to become popular. This is, you know, like 2012. And so over the last decade, we did a lot of work with those found really good results. You know, like in one randomized controlled trial, we got a 67% reduction in anxiety in people with generalized anxiety disorder, whereas usual clinical care was only 14%, which is on par with what you would expect medications to do.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:06:19  Yet for me, I also was seeing static. Delivery of content can be helpful, but it’s not meeting people where they’re not at. And so, you know, over the last couple of years, as we started to see the emergence of large language models and conversational agents, we started to see some real promise. Also some peril, but some real promise with personalizing Treatment. And it’s not to say that we could just, you know, extract somebody cognitive. Everything that they know as a therapist and put it in a bot. But what we started to do is. Well, I’ll say what we started to do in a minute, but part of this is we’re starting to see some real problems with kind of out of the box AI therapies. So in 2025, there was a Harvard Business Review article that showed that right for this, these conversational agents, the number one use of these conversational agents is for therapy and companionship. And so it in 2024 it was it was number two. And now it’s number one.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:07:24  And we’re also seeing that these models are trained through reinforcement learning with human feedback, which isn’t what you can bookmark the reinforcement learning piece because we’ll get into that in a minute. But it turns out that this learning is so powerful for humans. They put it into these basically deep neural network models and used it to train the bots, just the reinforcement learning piece and that was really helpful. Yet it was basically still an auto fill when you looked at ChatGPT three, for example. Then they started using human feedback. So RL reinforcement learning with human feedback where people were giving the bots feedback on their responses. So they’d say response A or B, which one’s better, you know, and they’d do it. And that that really turbocharged it where these things seemed like they could intuit people’s intentions. They could do all these things. They felt very human. It kind of blew through the Turing test. You know, this can you determine whether a computer is human or not? And then the problem started to emerge where they realized that humans well, there’s neuroscience going back a while, showing that humans are inherently subject to flattery, you know, so we’re flatter able probably not surprising.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:08:36  Yeah. And with these subtle answers that were subtly flattering, the bots would get more of a thumbs up. And this turned them into what are what’s called a sycophant, where you’re basically just kissing somebody’s ass. And so this is in the there was a well-known, I think it was April of 2025, where OpenAI formally rolled back their, update of GPT four zero because it was so sycophantic. People are getting psychotic where it would just feed somebody’s bubble. They’re like, oh, what about this? And it’s like, yeah, you just solved quantum physics, you know? And they’re like, yeah, did I? And it’s like, yeah, you did. No, really. And then it would send people down these spirals of conspiracy and all this crazy stuff, which is what our human minds are subject to, right? But they’re just like drawing it out when you’re just sitting there saying, yeah, you’re great, and this is great. And keep going and keep going. So out of the box, these things, that’s not benign.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:09:35  But then, you know, there are these well-documented cases where the end in tragic consequences. I won’t go into the details. So we know that out of the box, these things are not helpful. at least the way they are. And the sycophantic nature is problematic because it’s also great at generating revenue. So there’s this tension between, you know, do they dial it back or do they, you know, do they hit the gas? And there are some there was a study that just came out of Harvard. I think it’s a it’s an early one. So we’ll see what the final results are. But there were some, some platforms where actually when people are like, I gotta go. Then it would do this manipulation to keep them on, you know, keep them chatting. And it increased their interactions by like 14 fold. And so you could do all sorts of manipulation to keep people chatting. And, you know, if there’s a if there’s a monetary incentive there that’s usually problematic. Okay.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:10:29  So lots of problems. And for us, you know, we look at this and say okay, you know, it’s probably at least not in the next couple of years going to replace human therapists. Right. There’s something about a human connection that’s hard. Hard to. Really hard to compete with, though. I think a lot of younger people, you know. Yeah. Yeah, that’s an interesting one.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:52  Can I ask you a question about that? So the studies that I have read and they, they’re it’s all changing so fast that I feel like if I didn’t look it up yesterday, it’s very possible it’s all different, right. Was that many people, if they were chatting with a online therapist, would prefer what the AI gave them until they found out it was an AI, at which point they very quickly were like, no, I don’t want that. A is that true? And B I think your point about young people is also true. Like, we care because we’re old. But what will young people think, right? They might be like, who cares? You know, it just doesn’t matter.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:11:33  We’ve been doing some pilot work with high school students because I think the adolescent populations Is is really Upper Creek right now in terms of being, you know, basically technology natives, you know, these social media natives and things like that. So I’ve heard some horror stories about, you know, college or high school counselors divulging personal information about students to other students. Like just crazy stuff. Yeah. And of course, would not get when that was discovered. Like, no, every student was terrified to go to the counselor. So right there can be, you know, there can be ways that humans, humans are flawed. But I mean, that’s really egregious, right? So that’s an extreme case. But also just going to a therapist, whether it’s a young person or an older person, people can just inherently feel like they’re going to be judged, right. If they’re feeling guilty about something or feeling ashamed of something, you know, which is, ironically, what they often go to therapy to get help with.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:12:37  It can be challenging to actually admit like, oh, here’s this thing that I do that I’m really not proud of, but to be able to work through it, they’ve got to admit it. And so it can be easier to admit that to a bot than a human, because they’re not going to feel like there’s a human on the other end judging them. And we certainly see that. And I think others have reported that as well. So that piece, I think, is interesting in terms of providing this non-judgmental place to just really talk honestly. Now, if the thing’s going to constantly validate you, you know, with therapy, we we aim to validate. And sometimes that can simply just being be being with someone. Right. And just sitting there and saying, yeah that’s tough. You know not saying great job. But yeah wow this is tough. But we validate and then we challenge when needed so that we can help somebody find their edge and grow and use that as a growth edge as compared to just, you know, staying far away from that growth edge and staying in their comfort zone.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:13:36  And that’s not what the you know, the bots have been shown to do a good job with yet and so and another piece we found and I won’t go on too much, but it’s just fascinating. Where people prefer content delivered by a human as compared to a bot. And here’s a, here’s an example. So we have this program. so I think of it as like what does my, what does my newest version of my clinic look like because it’s always involved evolving. And for the newest clinic one, I want to be available to anybody, anywhere as compared to people having to be in my geographic area and come to my office. So it’s all virtual, but we also want to be able to scale it so we can help a lot of people. So it’s not just one on one, but I do. So the way we do that is we can deliver content through video and audio, and people prefer podcast style delivery of content. So short to the point, clear like ten minute modules.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:14:33  And they also don’t want that to be taught to them through a bot. They want to know that this was a human that actually developed and delivered this content. So I can do this, you know, I can just create that. But then I can have a teaching assistant where we can use digital therapeutics. We can basically use conversational agents that we specifically guardrail on that content and say, okay, check two things. First, check comprehension. So it can in a very inviting way. And it’s patient as all get out. It can ask them, okay, explain back to me what this concept is. And if they don’t get it, it’ll, you know, nudge them and give them you know, give them feedback. We’ve even had people say bot I don’t I don’t think you’re right. And then they would quote me directly and then people would go back and check the thing and then apologize to the bot. So the comprehension piece is interesting where you know, they want stuff delivered by human, but the bot can help check that and guide them through that comprehension check.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:15:31  And then it can also do an experiential exploration piece as an example. Just this morning we had somebody who was we have these three gears in our program, and so the bot was helping somebody go through the experiential component of second gear. And maybe we can get into that specifically because that’s the workhorse of the program. And the person was kind of stuck in her head for a bit. So it was really saying, okay, let’s get into the experience. And it had her list off, you know, what she was noticing. And she literally spent 40 minutes because we can timestamp this 40 minutes listing off a whole bunch of stuff. And then she realized at the end that she because I’d see the transcript and said, wow, I spent 40 minutes listing it off. And then it could say, yeah, great job. I wish I could sit there for 40 minutes as somebody listed off all their physical sensations. Yeah. So here it can be an infinitely patient listener and then say, great, you just listed all these physical sensations.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:16:24  That’s exactly what we’re talking about. And so with our Going Beyond Anxiety program, it’s interesting to see, like how do we pair humans with bots to let humans flourish and do the work that they do really well? Where I can interact with people. You know, we have a weekly group and all this stuff, but then the bot can check the comprehension and I have to say, it’s really cutting down all of the work that I don’t want to call it tedious, but the the volume of work that I have to do, helping to check somebody’s comprehension and make sure they understand the concept the bot is doing that I swear as well as I can. Well, it’s trained on what I do, but you know, it’s basically at that level. So we’re really excited about that. And it’s really different than saying, hey, lay down on the couch and turn on your phone and then, you know, tell me about your mother or whatever. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:17:13  Yeah, I did an AI project with a company called rewind, and what they are doing is taking classic books and pairing them with a specific scholar.

Eric Zimmer 00:17:25  And the scholar then records a lot of content about that book.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:17:31  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:17:31  Yeah, yeah. And so then you have the book, you have, you know, some things from the The Scholar, but you can also then have conversations as if you’re talking to that scholar. And it’s pretty good at showing you like, this is what the scholar actually said. This is where I’m kind of at, you know, the A’s adding, you know, I did the Dao de Ching, but it’s a really fascinating way of like really putting a human into the mix. And so I assume that’s kind of what you’re talking about. Out of curiosity, are you then are you fine tuning a model? Are you using a piece of software that helps you create bots that you get to tune? I’m curious about the mechanism.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:18:11  So we’re doing a number of things and testing them all. So one, we are think of it as an army of bots. So one is I have a over the last year with permission, saved all my transcripts from all of my one on one patient sessions.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:18:26  So we’ve got, you know, conversations with myself and my patients, and we can use all of that information to fine tune models. And eventually we may have enough where we can actually use completely open source models where we’re not even layering these on top of some of the larger models. Right now, we’re just using some of the larger ones to to tune them. We’re not ready to to build.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:51  You’re actually training the model itself in the sense of training the model. Yeah. This is not I’ve got a custom GPT that I’m giving instructions to or this is a deeper level.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:19:03  We’re set up to do both okay. And so as a as a way to test the basic concepts. For example can we create a teaching assistant. Right. You can do prompt engineering to set up a pretty good teaching assistant. And then fine. Well depends on how you define fine tune. But we can train that specifically on the content and have it guardrail by the content that we wanted to check. And, you know, so it’s not like doing Reddit threads or Wikipedia or whatever.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:19:32  Yeah. On top of that, we can build in, monitoring bots that are monitoring not only for safety but therapeutic fidelity for all of these other things to make sure. One, just to make sure, you know, we’re putting safety guardrails on top of the ones that are already in place because I think it’s important. But also that’s only safety is only one thing. Trust is another thing. How do you measure trust. How do you check to see and train the model to get better so you can develop? Good, good trust. Not. Not the sake of hands, but really solid trust. And there are a number of guidelines that are these frameworks, ones called quest for example, that are out there that people are starting to use.

Eric Zimmer 00:20:10  Yeah I’ve heard of that. Yeah. Yeah.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:20:12  So I think there’s there’s a lot that can be done. And as you mentioned earlier, it’s going very fast. to do all of that. So those are just two examples of the Army that we’re bringing together and saying, okay, all of you bots work together in this way.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:20:27  So it’s a really synchronized. It’s like a symphony with a conductor.

Eric Zimmer 00:20:54  That must be really, really fun to be able to do with people who know what they’re doing. You know, I train different AI agents on different aspects of my content to do different things. And I’ve joked recently, I don’t know how to set up the guardrails. I don’t really know how to get an army of bots refining it. I don’t, so I’ve jokingly referred to it as like a cheating spouse. Like it does something wrong and you’re like, I’m, I’m watching. I got my eye on you like I am watching you. And then over time it does pretty well and you sort of start to. All right. It’s like it’s doing pretty good and you get a little bit more relaxed, and then all of a sudden you’re like, God damn it, you did it again. Like.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:21:36  Yeah. It’s fascinating. And, you know, honestly, the only way to keep up with this stuff is to do it.

Eric Zimmer 00:21:41  Yeah. Yeah. All right. Anything else you think would be really useful for us to talk about in this area?

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:21:49  I think we’ve covered most of it. You know, okay, I see this segue because I think the critical piece that I just touched on lightly was we could not possibly do this without having over a decade of evidence based research that says, okay, this is the exact mechanism and the process to deliver. I would not be getting into this otherwise. That’s just the hard work slogging away at figuring that out. Yep.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:18  Okay. I want to pull one other thing from your Substack just as a headline, and ask you to talk about it just because as a headline, I was like, I like that. So why your brain thinks you’re failing when you’re actually winning?

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:22:35  Yes. So I’m curious, what was your one line takeaway from that Substack article?

Eric Zimmer 00:22:41  Well, I didn’t read that one. Oh, okay. I read the air one, a couple others. That one. I just was like, I like that headline.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:46  And then I said, I’m gonna let him describe it.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:22:49  Well, I’m happy to describe it. You know, that was I’m trying to think when I actually wrote that one, it was a it was a little while ago. But the idea is that we spend all this time beating ourselves up. You know. Yeah. And we can get in the habit of doing that, you know. And so a number of ways to think about that is, you know, like one is around growth mindset where we where we think, oh, you know, and that’s actually what that article is about where we can think, you know, I think I used the example of a patient who was, she was cutting down from eight hard drinks a night to, like, four and then having days of sobriety and then coming to me and saying, I’m not I’m not actually succeeding. I’m failing. Yeah. And so when we get stuck in this comfort zone or we get stuck in beating ourselves up, we might not realize that we’re actually learning.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:23:45  We’re learning a whole lot. And so this goes in this this Substack article goes into, you know, what is growth mindset? How can we actually use it to lean into failure, quote unquote, and and learn from it? You know, one thing I often ask my patients is, you know, do you learn more from everything going well or when you trip up a little bit? Of course, we learn more from, you know, tripping because we see, oh, I didn’t I didn’t know this, that thing. And so I tripped over it and now I noticed it. So in fact I would say that we won. We learned more from when things don’t go well. And two if we are learning when things don’t go well. Is there ever such a thing as two steps forward one step backward. Because if that step backward is learning we’re always learning. Right. And that’s growth mindset.

Eric Zimmer 00:24:38  And I think that word learning is so important because when we think about change and my book goes into all of this stuff in great detail, when we think about change, we often just think about the actual action of change.

Eric Zimmer 00:24:53  Right. Okay, I’m going to stop smoking. So I just stop smoking. And your work and countless other behavior change science over the years is like there’s a whole lot of steps that sort of are all around that, right? You know, the trans theoretical model is talking about, you know, you’ve got pre contemplation, you’ve got contemplation, you’ve got plans. Right. Even before you get to action. And I think that we don’t see change as this long arc, like even sobriety. Like, I’ve been completely absent for, I think, 16 or 17 years now. It’s easy to see that day as like, okay, you know, that’s when he changed. But no.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:25:33  No.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:33  There was so much change and learning happening along the way to even get to the point where that day made any sense and was possible.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:25:43  Right.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:43  I love your work primarily because you talk about a lot about reward value, but also about learning, because that’s what I think change ultimately is. It’s a learning.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:53  Okay, I’m trying to make this change and I can’t do it at all. But now I can do it in some situations and now. But I can’t do it in that situation. But now I figure out how to do it in that one. But I haven’t figured out how to go on and on and on. And sobriety is a particularly good example. But I think we take that idea and we apply it elsewhere, and the idea is 100 or 0, you’re either abstinent or you’re not. And if you’re not, you’ve failed. Right. And that is a tear. That is a terrible design to learn anything. Right. Well, nobody learns under those conditions. Well, no, it’s hard to learn under those conditions.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:26:27  This image comes to mind where it’s if you’re let’s say somebody is running A5K, you know, they’re running a road race, right? You have to actually start at the starting line. You have to run the entire race. And then you step over the finish line.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:26:42  And so using sobriety as an example, if the day that somebody becomes abstinence is the finish line, so to speak, for that person, that’s not the race. That’s just that one step that they took that got them over the finish line. What about all the steps before that? And that’s that’s the actual race that they ran. So that’s what I’m hearing from you and I. And I think that’s critical where people, you know, you just look at, you know, it’s all Instagram. It’s like when somebody crosses the finish line, you know it’s not the pictures of them, you Yeah. Along their course where they’re really duking it out.

Eric Zimmer 00:27:16  Yeah. I mean, the book is called how a Little Becomes a Lot. And it’s about this exact idea. Right. We over prioritize the single moment or the epiphany, and we miss everything that kind of comes before and after.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:27:30  I love it, I love the title to. It really captures the critical piece there. Right. This is, you know, life is a journey.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:27:37  It’s not. Yeah. What’s the finish line? Death. Right. Right.

Eric Zimmer 00:27:43  But I think that idea of taking it back to your article, what I loved so much about it, was why your brain thinks you’re failing when you’re actually winning. You know, I had a client. She figured this out herself. I was never smart enough to do it. But we were on the alcohol journey from complete dependence to, ideally, abstinence. And she couldn’t get to complete abstinence, right? Every 30 days, 60 days after six months. So she started putting a marble in a jar each day that she was sober, and we just suddenly, you know, she just suddenly had this, you know, not suddenly, but day by day had this giant testament, a big thing to her progress. Yeah. Yeah. You know, instead of. It’s all bad, it’s all I’m failing, I failed. It’s like, oh, I succeeded 310 out of 365 days, which is 300 days better than I did the year before.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:35  And onward.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:28:36  Yeah, I love it. Instead of losing our marbles, we’re actually exactly leading them.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:40  Yes, exactly. All right, let’s move into the Unwinding Anxiety workbook. I think we had you on before to talk about your book, Unwinding Anxiety. And listeners can go back and hear that conversation, but I want to hit the main points here again. And you make a crucial distinction right out of the gate that I think is really important. You say the difference between the feeling of anxiety and the mental behavior of worrying. Walk us through. What you mean by that?

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:29:10  Well, you know, for any habit. And glad to hear that you had Charles Dewey going, because I think he did a great job of popularizing how habits form in his, you know, his Power of Habit book. I, I don’t remember if I spoke to him about this directly, but as a, you know, he’s a great writer and, you know, he’s not a scientist or a clinician. So, you know, I think he and others have popularized, you know, just like change this thing and then it’ll work.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:29:37  And unfortunately, that’s not how our brains work. And so from a psychiatrist, a neuroscience perspective, it’s really important to take that framework like what’s the trigger, what’s the behavior. And then also what’s the result and leverage that. So looking at that, often people get stuck in this feeling like here’s this feeling of anxiety and I need to do something to make it go away. And they often worry and they don’t realize that with any habit. Right. Trigger behavior reward. A behavior can be mental, and so worry can be that mental behavior that people do that makes them feel empowered, because at least they’re doing something when they’re feeling anxious. It doesn’t necessarily fix their anxiety. And in fact, it feeds it because worrying, you know, this is the one you feed their their that worrying feeds back and gets more anxious because it you know that doing something is rewarding enough that the worrying becomes a habit, yet the worrying just feeds the anxiety. And so it’s important to differentiate the two but also work with them.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:30:43  You work with them differently. So with a behavior you actually have to look at how rewarding the behavior is. And this is where I have folks in, you know, just talking about this earlier. We have folks really explore what the results of the behavior, what the results are. Yeah. And so if somebody’s worrying, I have some have my patients ask this simple question, what am I getting from this? And typically the answer is nothing. It’s actually making my anxiety worse. That’s critical for them to be able to see, oh, this is not very rewarding because they’d set it up as a habit. So their brains just assume that it must be helpful somehow. And I’ve actually gotten pages long emails from people saying, but worrying has got to be helping somehow. You know, if you look at the data, you know, anxiety where you don’t help at all, they just make things worse.

Eric Zimmer 00:31:30  Right, right. Planning helps solve problems, helps. Contemplating different options helps. But worrying doesn’t, you know, it doesn’t mean if you’re if you’re focusing on the problem and thinking about it, that it’s wrong.

Eric Zimmer 00:31:45  I think that’s where people get hung up, you know? But it does work. I’m like, no, let’s be clear about what we’re talking about, right?

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:31:51  I’m so glad you highlight that, because worrying is optional and it’s different than planning. Yeah, right. Planning is kind of important.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:00  Yeah. It’s critical. Yeah. So I want to have you spell out for us, for people who haven’t been familiar with or listen to any of these other episodes, the habit loop. What is it?

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:32:12  Yeah. So in a nutshell, three elements trigger behavior, result. And so you’re just using anxiety as an example. The trigger could be the feeling of anxiety, but it could be any thought. It could be any external stimulus that we see here. You know, it’s basically anything that comes in our sensory sensory apparatus apparatus. And the behavior could be physical or mental. So for example, if we feel anxious, we might stress eat even when we’re not hungry or we might worry. Those are just two examples.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:32:43  And then the results or.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:45  Two great tastes that taste great together. Worry and stress eating? Why not? Yeah.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:32:52  I love it, I love it. So the result here, like we pointed out earlier with worrying, it can feel like we’re doing something. So it’s it’s rewarding a little bit and the result is critical. So if we start looking at the results, if it’s rewarding, it’s going to feed back and drive a habit. So that’s any habit is formed that way. And there are two main flavors both positive and negative reinforcement. So if something’s pleasant and we try to prolong that pleasant feeling, that’s positive reinforcement. If it’s unpleasant and we make it go away or avoid it, that’s negative reinforcement.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:27  All right. So the basic idea is something triggers this thing or kicks it off or you know, there’s all sorts of different words for it. And like you said it could be a thought. It could be a feeling. It could be a bill arrives in the mail. Right.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:44  That’s got the name of the you know, the people I know I owe money to on it. And now I have this behavior, I do. And then there’s a reward which is in this case would be a lessening of the feeling of anxiety. Yes. Right. Yeah. In the model that Charles Duhigg really, you know, popularized. And I don’t think he came up with it. The idea is that it’s very hard to change the trigger because triggers arrive. Now, we all know that you can get rid of some of the gross triggers, right? Like if you’re an addict, don’t hang out in bars that are known to sell cocaine after 2 a.m.. Right. Like people.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:34:23  Places and things.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:24  People, places and things. You can reduce triggers, but you’re not going to get rid of them. Yeah. And we’re going to usually want some sort of reward. And so the thing that you do is you substitute the behavior in the middle. So I now feel anxious instead of worrying I do five minutes of deep breathing.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:42  And the idea is that I get a lessening of the anxiety. So that’s one way to solve that problem. You challenge that in some ways. Tell us why that’s a limited approach when it’s helpful and when it’s not.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:34:54  Sure. So for some people a substitution can be helpful for the majority of people if you look at the data. Substitution doesn’t. It might work sometimes, but it doesn’t work all the time and often leads to failure. There are a couple of reasons for that. One is that it requires the prefrontal cortex, the youngest and the weakest part of the brain. From an evolutionary perspective, which has been shown to go offline when we get stressed. You know, you probably have heard the halt. Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired. You know, all these things that make us vulnerable to relapse and whatever our behavior is. So, you know, you’re kind of picking the weakest. You’re picking the weakest kid to fight your fight for you with the big the big thing. And so that’s problematic.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:35:38  The other is that when the substitution behavior is not available, then our brains say, well, now what? You know, so if we eat carrot sticks instead of smoking a cigarette or if we, you know, go for a walk instead of, you know, when we’re anxious, instead of worrying if we can’t go for a walk. If those carrot sticks are not available. Our brain just goes back to the old behavior because it says, well, you know, B isn’t here to substitute for A. So I’m going back to a m. So again, some help for some people but not a universal solution. And this is where, you know, when I saw this over and over with my patience, you know, I started asking from a neuroscience perspective, you know, can we do better. And this is where getting, you know, it’s fascinating. You can actually use the reinforcement learning process itself to leverage itself where you don’t need a substitute behavior. And the way that works is really exploring these results of the behavior.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:36:39  If a behavior is set up through reinforcement learning, it can be unwound through reinforcement learning. And that’s where you know, the formal term for it details aren’t important is called negative prediction error. So basically if you pay attention when you worry and you see that it’s it’s not rewarding. Your brain gets this negative prediction error saying, I predicted that it would be rewarding because it’s a habit. But now I’m paying attention and seeing that it’s not rewarding and we become disenchanted. So we have literally stopped feeding the habit. You know, I know a guy that likes to talk about the one you feed.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:41  Check in for a moment. Is your jaw tight, breath shallow? Are your shoulders creeping up? Those little signals are invitations to slow down and listen. Every Wednesday, I send weekly bytes of wisdom, a short email that turns the big ideas we explore here in each show. Things like mental health, anxiety, relationships, purpose into bite size practices you can use the same day it’s free. It takes about a minute to read and thousands already swear by it.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:14  If you’d like extra fuel for the weekend, you also get a weekend podcast playlist. Join us at One Coffee. Net newsletter. That’s one you feed. Net newsletter and start receiving your next bite of wisdom. All right, back to the show. So we’ve stopped feeding the habit, but let’s go back to anxiety. When anxiety arises as a feeling, there is a almost, it seems, built in desire to not feel anxious, which these behaviors that we’re doing are our attempts to figure that out. Yes, because we want the reward, which is not to feel anxious. So what am I unwinding here in this case? Like, how do I update the reward? And I understand what you’re saying, that by watching what reward I’m getting from a specific behavior, I can learn to see that it is not actually giving me the reward that I want. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And we could talk about when this process gets hijacked, but let’s assume it’s working right. The process is working where I look at this and I go, okay, well, I don’t I don’t want to do that behavior because I can see that it’s not rewarding, but I still am seeking a reward in this moment of anxiety.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:39:34  Absolutely. So here we can look at what the behavior is that’s not working right. So let’s use worrying as an example. And then we can ask what’s a better or more helpful behavior. and importantly, one that’s not dependent on us getting something outside of ourselves, right? So if going for a walk or getting carrot sticks or whatever, you know, is an externally based behavior that we’re using as a substitution. Can we actually find something that’s internally available all the time? And this is where what we found is there are two flavors that are intrinsically available and more rewarding. So my labs studied a curiosity a lot. And I’ve seen this clinically as well. It’s really a fascinating thing. I almost think of curiosity as a superpower because, well, let me ask you, if you compare worrying to being curious about something, which one feels better?

Eric Zimmer 00:40:35  Well, being curious definitely feels better.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:40:37  So that’s intrinsically more rewarding. And so when we feel anxious, you know, if it leads to worrying, we can then substitute this internally based behavior of curiosity and get curious about the sensations themselves.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:40:52  There are so many great phrases that kind of touch on this. One is this Marcus Aurelius one where it’s like what stands in the way it becomes in the way. So if the anxiety is standing in the way, we can use it as a as a teacher. But I also love this phrase. The only way out is through. Yeah. And so instead of running away from the anxiety and I, you highlighted it beautifully, which, you know, if something’s unpleasant, we are biologically designed to make that unpleasant thing go away. And so it’s paradoxical to say, okay, instead of running away to make it go away, I’m going to run toward it. And when we run toward our experience, something really interesting happens. One is we see that the sensations are not nearly as scary as we thought they were as we made them out to be, and that they kind of turn around and start running from us. They change as we start looking at them and getting get really curious about them, and They’re like, oh, what did that feel like? Oh, where’d it go? You know, it’s like, yeah, it becomes elusive.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:41:50  And that’s how we can learn to be with our experience, no matter how unpleasant it is in the moment, by turning toward it, running toward it. We’ve just gained all this power and control.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:03  So first off, I 100% agree with everything you’re saying doing this. This sort of approach has changed numerous things in my life, and I want to play devil’s advocate for me. Please, because you said that the problem with certain substitution strategies is that the prefrontal cortex goes offline and you can’t actually think. What I have found is that when feeling gets too big, curiosity feels like a the best of my prefrontal cortex type thing. It feels like it’s hard to find or get because all I want is just cessation, right? Like I don’t care. You understand what I’m saying? It’s like curiosity almost doesn’t feel like it’s online. It doesn’t feel like it’s on the menu when the emotion is high enough.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:42:52  Yeah. Good question. So two pieces here. One is there are two types of curiosity. And I’m not sure that either of them maybe one type.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:43:03  It kind of involves the prefrontal cortex. And I’m not sure that people have actually isolated where the second type comes from. So it’s a mystery still. Okay. And the second time is the most important type is called interest curiosity when we’re just truly interested in what’s happening. And so your prefrontal cortex it’s unclear. But I hear what you’re saying and I agree with you. And I see this all the time where a lot of my patients say I can’t access my curiosity right now. Okay. And sometimes we can’t. Right. And so it’s not like it’s always accessible. It’s always going to be perfect and available. But what we can learn to do in those moments is start moving ourselves toward that experience. Like. And so just learning to be with something. And this is called distress tolerance, which I think society we’re losing. I wrote a Substack about this, you know, where it’s like, you know, with these with our phones, these weapons of mass destruction, we are collectively running as far in as quickly away from anything distressful as possible.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:44:04  And yeah, it’s fed by the consumerism, you know, like, oh, I’ll give you something to make you feel better and I’ll sell you something. So there are consumer societies is supporting that as well. So just learning to be with our experience is often feels very foreign to people. And that’s the first step toward curiosity is like, oh, can I just be with this for a second as compared to a millisecond? And then it’s two seconds. It’s like the marbles in the jar, right? It’s like, oh, I can be with this. And what helps us learn to be with our experience is practicing what curiosity tastes like and feels like in other situations. Like before, things get really tough. And here I have people just start exploring the difference between when they have a no thought, you know, which is which could be just a simple word, he thought, or whatever. Oh no, oh no, I can’t believe this happened or oh no, I can’t believe that person did that.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:45:03  You know, we all have thoughts all the time and we can see what that feels like. And then we can just practice. Oh what does oh no feel like. And so the oh no gives us an opportunity to lean in and learn where we can see, oh this is what oh no feels like. So I’ve now learned something there. And we also learn because when we want to know what something is like, that awakens a genuine curiosity. When that started to be awakened, that’s when we start feeding it and we’re like, oh, I it’s hard for me not to do it. Oh, curiosity actually feels pretty good. Oh, maybe I can apply this here. Maybe I can apply this in a meeting, maybe I can. Wow. This is helpful when, you know, I’m not judging my spouse or myself or whatever. Oh, that feels pretty good. And then it becomes much more available as a tool where when we’re really, you know, on those big waves, we don’t get crushed by them.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:45:56  We can actually ride them out, but push back more. If you think that seems too far afield.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:02  No, I think there’s a couple important things in there. And you referenced the marbles. I think that we’re often dismissive of anything that doesn’t work completely every time.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:46:14  Yeah. Distress tolerance again. Right. We want instant gratification.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:18  Like we all hear this instructions that are similar to what you’re saying. They’ve been said different ways by different people. Feel the feeling, drop the storyline. There’s all sorts of different aspects of this. Right? And those are all truly very helpful things. And my experience has been, it’s not like I do that and all of a sudden anxiety is gone and I’m suddenly curious and I’m riding the I’m riding the wave of my, you know, deeply unpleasant feelings. But I love what you said. I can get a little bit more.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:46:52  So yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:53  I can access a little bit more curiosity this time. I can notice a little bit better this time. The dissatisfaction in doing this, like.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:03  And these things accumulate. Yeah, these things accumulate over time. And I do think that as we do that, two things occur. We get better at doing it, and our emotional distress is coming down a little bit. And eventually, in an ideal world, those things meet at an equilibrium where your curiosity is at a level to handle, to your point, distress tolerance. Right? This window of what we’re actually able to tolerate grows.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:47:31  Well. You’re highlighting something that I guess I take for granted, but it just reminded me, you know, therapy doesn’t happen in a single session, you know? And even in our clinical studies, you know, we got these big drops in anxiety. But it was after two months of people using our program.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:48  And so that’s really important.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:47:50  Yeah. So even with our going beyond Anxiety program it doesn’t go beyond anxiety in one day. Yeah. You know, this is a program. But the key is to and with anything, you know, I think with any good program, it’s to really give people the solid the foundational training so they can they can really, truly learn to have something that’s with them the rest of their life.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:48:15  That’s also why we called our program Going Beyond anxiety, because it doesn’t just get people back to baseline. It’s about like, how can you learn life skills that will help you thrive? And so and this is true for any type of therapy that’s good. You know. Right. You could argue well, I’ve been in therapy for 50. I’ve actually had people come to me and say, I’ve been in therapy for 15 years and it hasn’t helped. Well, that might be a time to check to see if you, you know, go somewhere else because 15 years is a little long for not seeing progress. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:43  Well, I think this gets to this fundamental thing that we talked a little bit about before, which is there are certain types of therapy that are pointed at insight, meaning you see something you didn’t see before on some sort of level, like, oh, I see that. I react this way because my father was X, Y, or Z. That scene can be valuable and it sometimes offers a certain degree of freedom.

Eric Zimmer 00:49:14  However, my experience is that to change how you feel and think, you have to be in that moment with it and doing it again and again and again and again and again. So I’ve, I’ve used this example before I realized being in meetings early in my career with men about my father’s age who looked slightly surly, caused me to get really quiet and afraid. I know why. It didn’t change that. I had a little bit more compassion for myself. I was like, okay, I get this. I see what’s happening. Yeah, but I still had to learn in that moment.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:49:52  How to work with it, how.

Eric Zimmer 00:49:52  To.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:49:53  Work with.

Eric Zimmer 00:49:53  It and take the behavior that was in line with what I wanted to do. And and still to this day, there’s some of that, right, that it’s far different. But it’s not like these things often just get completely erased. And so I think this idea of doing it again and again, and it reminds me of a question I asked you last time on the show.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:15  It’s amazing. I remember this because.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:50:16  I was going to say I’m impressed.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:18  Well, it’s because when I read your work, this question comes up in my mind and I know I asked and I don’t know what you said, and but when I read your work, it comes up again, which is this idea that if you watch a behavior and you see it, what it does and you see it’s unrewarding, you will naturally cease to do it. And my question that I’m going to let you answer all, I think what we just said points to it a little bit is I know countless people who have seen through the harmful of their behavior. I mean, on some level, they get it really clearly. Yeah. The 10,000th time that you’ve binge eating or had a drink when you said you weren’t going to have a drink, you know, on some level, don’t do that. That doesn’t end well. And yet so what’s missing? How is the reward not updating in these situations?

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:51:16  Yeah, I would say it’s likely that there’s one little piece of information that’s missing.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:51:22  And that piece is that first somebody has to know what the framework is in terms of how they learn, because somebody can say. Just like you, beautifully articulated, like, oh yeah, I did it again. I did it again. What’s the default response? Bad me you know. Right. Bad me. And so we think that judging ourselves actually wrote a Substack on this as well. I love Substack because I’d be like, hey, just read that article. You know, there’s all you need. But we get in the habit of judging ourselves because it makes us feel like we’re powerful. We’re in control because we’re beating ourselves up. And in the movies, when somebody is hard on themselves, they tend to succeed. And when you know, that’s the hero’s journey. But that’s a movie. That’s not life. That’s not how our brains work. So the, the, the piece that’s missing is that people don’t know how their brains work. And that’s where I start. Each one of my sessions with a new patient, where I just walked them through this basic idea about how habits form and then walk them through whatever their basic habit is.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:52:22  So, for example, pick any of these, right? If I binge ate again. I was thinking of a patient who was binge eating for like 20 years. Large pizzas, 20 out of 30 days a month. Right? And she would do that when she was emotionally distraught because she described it as a way to numb herself. And sometimes she would binge on top of a binge because she would feel guilty about binging. Yeah, because that’s that’s the only mechanism her brain knew.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:48  I relate.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:52:49  To that. Yeah. So if we’re stuck in like, well, this is all I know how to do. Of course we’re going to not be able to step out of it even when we see it clearly. So it just takes a tiny bit of psycho education upstream of that where we can learn one. Okay, this is how habits are formed. Here’s the habit loop two. We can identify the behavior. Three we can see if we’re what our maladaptive response is. You know I’m beating myself up instead.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:53:16  We can start step. We can go. Oh I’m stuck in this. And then we can ask, what do I get from doing the thing and also beating myself up on top of it? We become disenchanted with those. So we open the space where our brain says, okay, what’s better? And then we can learn. Sometimes just not doing the thing feels better. But it’s important to be able to line up that cause and effect relationship, because if we’re not lining them up, we’re not learning. We’re just beating ourselves up. I think I would guess that’s the key distinction there.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:46  I think you’re probably right, because it’s been posited by certain people that addiction is a learning disorder, and the disorder is in essentially what we’re saying, your reward value is not updating correctly. Right? Because you’ve gone well past the point where it’s pretty clear that this is not a this behavior is not rewarding, but your brain is not getting the message right. And so I think there’s a couple things in what you say.

Eric Zimmer 00:54:15  And I do think it’s why we say often that shame is the engine that drives addiction. Yes. Right. Because that shame shuts down learning. Yes, that’s the key thing, I think, is that when you’re in shame, which you are, if you’ve done a behavior again and again and again and been unable to change it, there’s a lot of shame associated and that shame just shuts down the learning process. So that’s I think a huge core thing, right, is we’ve got to learn how do we work with that. And then the second is that I really like the fact that you have people sort of map this out and write it out and observe it in real time, because I do think to a certain degree, the processes that we often use that should be updating reward value and I use should update reward value for many people, but not for us, is because we’re not clear enough, specific enough, and really, really importantly is we don’t keep doing it. I get confused with what I’ve read where, right? And I think at some point you take on this idea of how long it takes to build a habit, and the numbers are all over the place, right? There’s some 21 day thing which has been debunked, but I feel like perhaps in your work somewhere you talked about how long it takes to update a reward value.

Eric Zimmer 00:55:30  Do you have some data on that or research on that?

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:55:33  Yeah, we did several studies on this. And by the way, the 21 day myth comes from a 1960s book by a plastic surgeon in Maxwell Maltz called Psycho Cybernetics. I kid you not.

Eric Zimmer 00:55:46  And is he still alive? Can he? Can I have him as a guest?

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:55:50  I don’t know how old he is if he’s still alive. But the other piece is that he talked about it taking three weeks for his patients to get used to their new nose jobs. and that became an internet myth. About 21 days to make or break a habit.

Eric Zimmer 00:56:05  I think it was even before an internet myth. I feel like that’s been in books forever for a long time. Yeah. I mean, so he’s got a lot to answer for.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:56:13  Yeah, there it is. He wasn’t trying to become like a 21 day guy. He was just like, reporting on what his patients were. Talking about their noses. So we did two studies. One with.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:56:25  We did several, I should say several with people who were overeating, and we did one with people who were smoking. And we had them pay attention, you know, as they did the thing. And it only took 10 to 15 times of somebody paying attention as they overrate, for example, for that reward value to drop below zero. So we could actually measure it using these same, you know, neuroscience based equations that that calculate reward value. It was it was fascinating. You know, the first time you see some stunning result. And then we replicated it in people in like over a thousand people. And it was even faster like the error bars got smaller.

Eric Zimmer 00:57:02  And these are people who’ve struggled with something for a while.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:57:05  Yeah, yeah, sometimes up to decades.

Eric Zimmer 00:57:07  Let me ask a follow on or tied question because we were just talking about shame. How does shame impact that ability for reward value to get updated because then shame is almost then its own habit loop, I think. Right, you have to unwind that habit loop first before you can get to the other habit loop.

Eric Zimmer 00:57:26  Talk me through how these things sort of tie together.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:57:29  Yeah, let’s take a minute with this because I think it’s really important. So if we look at so guilt and shame tend to be best friends. Right. And I think of guilt as feeling guilty about something that we’ve done and shame as feeling bad about who we are, you know? So it’s like, I don’t know if that’s how you would agree with that. Okay. The differentiation is helpful just to know, because we can feel guilty about something and we can feel shame. And those are related but different things. And if we look at shame spirals, for example, when we do something or something doesn’t go the way we wanted, you can think of it as the behavior would tend to be that we judge ourselves, you know, bad me. And then the result is we feel ashamed or we do something and we feel, you know, guilty. And we look at and judge ourselves and say, I can’t believe I did that.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:58:20  And we feel ashamed. Right. So we can see how that shame spiral can start to get going and build momentum because it’s, you know, it feels like it gives us power. It gives us something to do. Right? So whatever we did is in the past or whoever we might have been yesterday is in the past, but we can take today and say, well, I don’t have control over the past, but I can do something right now. I can beat myself up. And so we have this ability to beat ourselves up anytime we want to. And so we have ready access to, you know, self-flagellation and that self-flagellation not only becomes a habit, but on top of that it closes us down. And so we get stuck in this fixed mindset where we think, oh, this is who I am. It’s never going to change. And so it keeps us from actually being in a growth mindset where we can actually learn from what happened. And so, ironically, it keeps us stuck in these spirals of doing the same thing and then feeling bad about it instead of opening to our experience and saying, oh, that didn’t go as planned.

Dr. Jud Brewer 00:59:26  You know, what can I learn from this and bring in self-compassion? And here we can even compare shame to self-compassion. Which one feels better? Right. Because self-compassion feels better. So if we look at it from a reinforcement learning perspective and we see that shame doesn’t feel good, we can become disenchanted with the self-judgment and those shame spirals. And we can see that being kind to ourselves feels better so that we can slowly start to nudge ourselves in the direction of kindness. Our brains are naturally wired to move in that direction. It just can take us a while to realize that it actually feels better.

Eric Zimmer 01:00:01  So in what cases or what situations does this not work for people? Like assuming somebody takes this on board and is kind of doing the things that you suggest. There’s going to be people that unless your data, which is not is like 100% of people always get better, some people don’t. What’s going on there? Do you have any ideas or their common patterns? Are there additional diagnostic steps that you can sort of take with someone?

Dr. Jud Brewer 01:00:29  Great question.

Dr. Jud Brewer 01:00:30  So all people share this learning pathway right. So reinforcement learning is common to all of us. Yet as you’re pointing out, some people do better than others. We did a study where we could actually get psychological phenotypes at baseline before people started their anxiety program, and we could predict who was going to do really well, who was going to do pretty well, and who wasn’t going to do as well as the others. We haven’t been able to identify the specific pieces yet, but my leading hypothesis for the folks that do the worst is that they have some type of emotional avoidance, whereas basically they’ve really low distress tolerance skills. That’s one possibility. They just. They’re just avoiding anything unpleasant. And so you have to have some ability to at least, you know, see that unpleasantness feels unpleasant before you can work with it.

Eric Zimmer 01:01:29  Yeah. If you’re unwilling to feel unpleasantness, then you’re unwilling to examine the habit loop pathway. Yeah, right. You have to be able to look at and go, this feels shitty.

Eric Zimmer 01:01:41  And in order to do that, you actually are feeling shitty. It’s there for a little bit. And I think that that would make sense, that if you’re just not willing to turn towards that at all. It’s like you said, the path out is through, you know, and going through is not, you know, it’s not easy. It’s you’re using guilt and shame. And I think oftentimes once a behavior gets entwined, these things get all mixed up guilts actually in a normal sort of baseline, at least from my perspective. You might have a better word for it. A useful thing, because I do something that doesn’t align with who I am. It doesn’t feel good. I have to be willing to let myself not feel good so that I get the message. Don’t do that.

Dr. Jud Brewer 01:02:27  Yeah, I’m so glad you’re bringing this up, because this can get nuanced, and I think the nuance is actually helpful here. Not splitting hairs. If you go back and look at the Buddhist psychology, they talk about two emotions that are kind of in the territory of guilt, that are actually skillful.

Dr. Jud Brewer 01:02:44  They talk about remorse and regret. I use those specifically because if we look at you could operationalize remorse and regret as something where we’re really looking at, you know, we feel remorseful for something that we did. We regret something that we did. But feeling guilty adds a layer of self that might actually get in the way. So I agree with you. Depending on how you operationally define guilt, if we can really stay at the level of the behavior and say, okay, that’s something that didn’t help, then great. You know, we can use the word guilt. If guilty is like, I feel guilty and we get stuck in the I, it may be not as helpful as things like are finding a term that you use whatever works, finding a term like remorse or regret because we regret something that we did and that focuses on the behavior and not the self.

Eric Zimmer 01:03:42  I actually like both of those words better. Guilt is a very laden word for lots of people, for lots of different reasons.

Dr. Jud Brewer 01:03:49  Yeah, look at look at religions.

Dr. Jud Brewer 01:03:51  There are a number of religions.

Eric Zimmer 01:03:52  Exactly. I use it because I’m able to sort of delineate that. But remorse and regret are even actually better words. I want to end with something that you talk about a lot and that I’ve really been sort of revisiting this ground lately to much enjoyment. And it’s noting practice. and I’ve really just been trying to not so much note while I’m in meditation, but note like as I’m taking a walk, as I’m going about my day to day things, explain what noting practice is and how it’s valuable to everything we’ve talked about.

Dr. Jud Brewer 01:04:29  Yeah. So this has been popularized by, I think, a Burmese meditation teachers. That’s where I first learned it was from some of those traditions. But I love how it lines up with, you know, even the way we think about modern psychology. So for example, in the I think it was in the 1920s, there was a psychology experiment in Hawthorne, Illinois, where they would just observe workers in an office and they were adjusting the lighting.

Dr. Jud Brewer 01:04:55  And so they turned up the lights and people did better, you know, worked harder. And then they turned down the lights and people worked harder, and they were like, what the what’s going on? And then when they left, people went back to working their usual ways. And this turned into what’s called the Hawthorne effect, where by observing you’re changing the effect. So of course, if somebody’s monitoring you, if you know you’re going to work differently. Yeah. So it had nothing to do with the lights, but everything to do with being observed. And we can do the same thing. We can apply that to our own experience. And so the noting practice is basically applying this, this observer effect. So if we have a thought and we’re just immediately identified with a thought, then it’s going to take us for a ride. Yet if we have a thought and we see it, we note it. Oh thinking like oh worry. Thinking oh. Future thinking oh, whatever. Then suddenly, as one of my teachers puts it, we put a frame around it and it’s easier to see it.

Dr. Jud Brewer 01:05:53  And so we’re less likely to get caught up in that thought, and we can just observe it. And if we observe it, we can notice, oh, it comes and goes on its own. We don’t have to actually do anything to make it go away. We don’t. And often we’re kind of trying to kick our thoughts to the curb. Well, kicking them, they’ll kick back. We’re feeding them that way. I don’t know. Is that how your experience is?

Eric Zimmer 01:06:14  100%. What I do is more proactive, noting so that I’m going to be better at what you just described, which is a slightly more reactive noting, which is I just I mean, what I’ve been doing lately, it just sounds weird, but I’m essentially narrating my experience. One version of it is I’m like putting my arm through the left hand sleeve, you know, like, and now I’m taking the pan and turning it over, like, I’m just noting everything. And then the other one is just noting, like, as I’m taking a walk, I’ll be like, you know, hearing because I’ll hear something and I’ll see something.

Eric Zimmer 01:06:49  Then I’ll hear something. Then I’ll feel like, oh, my back hurts. And then I’ll just kind of noting everything as it shows up in consciousness. And I find that by doing that a little bit more regularly. It makes it a whole lot more likely that as I then am not in that mode, that I do note things that occur. Yeah. So it’s a sort of a proactive approach to it.

Dr. Jud Brewer 01:07:12  I love it. So wine the noting helps us stay in the present moment like you’re highlighting. And two, you’re feeding the noting as a habit as compared to letting the reactivity take you for a ride. And so then when it’s needed, it’s easy access.

Eric Zimmer 01:07:29  Before you check out, pick one insight from today and ask, how will I practice this before bedtime? Need help turning ideas into action? My free weekly Bites of Wisdom email lands every Wednesday with simple practices, reflection and links to former guests who can guide you even on the tough stuff like anxiety, purpose and habit change. Feed your good wolf at one you feed.

Eric Zimmer 01:07:54  Net newsletter again one you feed net. newsletter. Judd, thank you so much. I always love these conversations. I should have you on about twice as often as we do, even though this might be time number four, it’s always a great conversation. So you’ve got this new workbook out. Your Substack that I mentioned is great. You’re putting lots of good stuff out there. We’ll have links in the show, notes to all that stuff and appreciate you being here.

Dr. Jud Brewer 01:08:18  My pleasure. I really enjoyed the conversation.

Eric Zimmer 01:08:21  Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Share it from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity, but we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it.

Eric Zimmer 01:08:47  Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the one You Feed community.

Filed Under: Featured, Habits & Behavior Change, Podcast Episode

The #1 Mindset Shift to Stop Overthinking and Start Living with Nikki Eisenhauer

February 28, 2025 1 Comment

The #1 Mindset Shift to Stop Overthinking
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In this episode, Nikki Eisenhauer shares the #1 mindset shift to stop overthinking and start living. She explores the profound role of insight, emotional maturity, and personal responsibility in personal growth. With her extensive wisdom gleaned from her 17+ years of experience working with highly sensitive individuals, she dives into why some people change while others remain stuck, how overthinking can become a trap, and the importance of balancing self-compassion with accountability.

Key Takeaways:

  • 00:00 Insight is the Key to Change
  • 04:37 Maturity Matters More Than We Think
  • 08:37 Your Feelings Don’t Have to Drive the Bus
  • 14:09 Overthinking is a Coping Mechanism
  • 33:40 Stillness is a Superpower in a Distracted World
  • 45:41 Personal Responsibility is Empowering, Not Harsh

Connect with Nikki Eisenhauer Website | Instagram | Emotional Badass Podcast

Nikki Eisenhauer is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor (LCDC) and has been in private practice since 2009.  She is a passionate mentor, teacher, and healer who transforms head knowledge into heart knowledge to help Seekers move from surviving to thriving.  Nikki is also the host of the podcast Emotional Badass: Where Moxie Meets Mindful, which has over 3+ million downloads in 100+ countries.  She shares her recovery story as a mentoring healing tool to empower highly sensitive people (HSP’s) to embrace who they really are in this one precious life. 

If you enjoyed this episode with Nikki Eisenhauer, check out these other episodes:

How to Harness the Chatter in Your Head with Ethan Kross

Overthinking and Internal Soundtracks with Jon Acuff

By purchasing products and/or services from our sponsors, you are helping to support The One You Feed and we greatly appreciate it. Thank you!

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Episode Transcript:

Eric Zimmer  01:48

Hi, Nikki, welcome to the show.

Nikki Eisenhauer  01:49

Thank you for having me.

Eric Zimmer  01:50

I’m excited to have you on and talk about all kinds of different things, you have quite an interesting background as a psychotherapist, as a coach as a podcast host, and you cover all kinds of topics. So it’ll be really interesting to see where we end up. But we’ll start in the place that we always do with the parable. And in the parable, there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, they say in life, there are tools inside of us that are always at battle. What is it good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love. And the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops. Think about it for a second, they look up their grandparents, they say, Well, which one wins, and the grandparents says the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life. And in the work that you do.

Nikki Eisenhauer  02:39

It means so much I used to teach a group with that parable. Well, before I even knew what a podcast was, it hits me in a lot of ways, I think we have so much power to feed the good to feed what serves us. I think the confusion is that sometimes we don’t know what we’re feeding, or we don’t know that we have that power to feed different beasts inside of us, if you will. And so to me, that parable is all about the empowerment of that choice, and being mindful and intentional, so that we’re feeding what we really want to feed so that we’re growing in a direction of lightness, of ease of peace, of joy of really experiencing what is good in this one precious life and letting go of the rest.

Eric Zimmer  03:25

Yeah, you know, as I was listening to a couple of recent episodes of yours, they were what 17 years of working with my clients has taught me and there’s there’s lots of interesting lessons in there. But I kind of want to pivot a slightly different direction off of that, which is that 17 years of working with clients is a long time, you’ve worked with a lot of people. And in that time you have seen people grow and prosper and change and just beautiful stories. And you’ve seen tragedy and heartbreak. You’ve seen people who don’t change people who die all the negative outcomes we could think of, and I’m curious if you have any wisdom about what it is that allows some people to change and others not. Because any of us that are in this field for very long, or even if you’re not in it directly, if you observe people in your own life, it is a mystery, right? Like, why was Bob able to, you know, moderate his weight and his health and his cholesterol and become healthy where Sam is now a type two diabetic and only gets out twice a week? Like we see it all around us? And I’m just curious if you have some thoughts on what are some of the key factors in people’s ability to make change?

Nikki Eisenhauer  04:37

That’s a great question. I think the main thing that is so hard to put our finger on or name about that difference that is so easy to see. Because you can really see it especially when you do this work over and over again. It’s like what is that stuff that that one person has that motivates them towards this change? And what is the stuff that this other person is missing? That doesn’t seem to be able do that work or to let go of what isn’t serving them? To me that stuff is insight. And insight is one of those things that we can’t really teach. And we don’t really know why. This is something that I had professors in my counseling program when I was in my master’s program, teach and what they taught brand new green therapists was that we were really going to try to hammer in insight to people that just didn’t have it. And their intelligence level would make it seem like they should be able to connect these dots and make these changes and go forward. And that that very thing that seems to motivate changes in sight and its sight. And just like our eyeballs, like if you and I are standing next to each other, looking out at a landscape, I live in the mountains, I can see the mountains right now, as we’re talking outside of my window. If you and I are standing there looking at those mountains, we know very well that you’re going to have a different sight ability, I’m going to have different sight, maybe one of us has glasses. But when it comes to things like our intuition or our insight, we can’t really measure it like we can to get prescription glasses. So I think it’s harder for us to really understand that other human beings have different parts of them. And it’s part sensory, maybe it’s part spiritual, maybe it’s the different karma so that we’re living out why some of us are born with insight. And some of us aren’t, I tend to work with very high insight people that come from family systems, where most of the players seem to suffer from and really suffer, whether they know it or not, from low insight. And that’s just our ability to look inward, our ability to observe ourselves, our ability to see our own patterns, our own inclinations, our own motivations, our own desires, and question them that if we can’t see those things, then it’s not going to be easy to question those things, or to change them. So I think the stuff that you’re talking about insight, and you and your work, I’m sure of it. And me and mine, we do insight oriented therapies, or coaching, or we’re helping people who already have insight connected, and many of them are hurt in the world by people that just don’t seem to have that insight. And likely never will, which we don’t like, right, like I’m all about hope and change. And so one of the things I teach in my boundaries course, every October is that we also have a dysfunctional hope. You know, we’re kind of supposed to give second chances, not infinity chances. So I think there’s a lot that plays there about that ability, that willingness, that seeker spirit that drives us to change.

Eric Zimmer  07:47

I have 1000 Follow on questions about that. So when we say insight, I think it’s worth talking a little bit more about what that is, because I’m certain that you see this and I’ve seen it, I got into recovery at 24 years old. And I’m hate to say 52, right. And so I’ve been watching some people change and other people not for a long, long time. Right. And what I have seen is people who show up and put in effort, who appear to have some degree of insight because they wouldn’t be there putting in the effort if they didn’t have some insight, or they can pare it back some insight maybe. What is it you think that they need to be seeing that oftentimes people are not connecting or are not seeing more deeply?

Nikki Eisenhauer  08:37

Maybe it’s how deep our personal responsibility really runs. And I also think we’re not so aware naturally, of what our motivating factors. So I’ve worked in addiction, where people live for residential treatment, and I did intensive outpatient. That’s where I started my career. And very often someone could speak the speak, right talk the talk. And the truth is, as a trained therapist, we want tangible evidence based stuff to help people with and to speak from what I learned as a human being going through that experience beyond a therapist going through that experience was that I had to decipher and it was a feel is very hard to put into words. It’s a feeling because two people can stand next to each other and utter the same thing, the same desire. But I can feel the difference between someone who is genuinely passionate and driven about going after the very behaviors and mindsets that will serve them and someone else may say the exact same phrasing, but it feels empty, it feels hollow. And often the difference there is they’re not really motivated to do it for themselves. We don’t understand motivation. And when we have lower insight, we also tend to have a lower empathy and a lower maturity. So So often what I think is at play is a lower maturity. And we don’t do a great job in mental health. I think even in spiritual circles, just as people, I don’t think we talk about maturity in any kind of self development space. But we can see that there was a philosopher that I very much identified with when I was going through my schooling I think of as Erickson. But I’m not great at remembering the names and pairing them with the right information. That’s not my strong suit, my strong suit is the how to heal. But in that one of those philosophers theorized that most people did not truly emotionally develop into adulthood, most stayed kind of stunted in adolescence. And for me, that was a gobsmacked moment to hear that information, because I could see in my own family system that was very dysfunctional. And in the family systems I was working with, and learning about at the time, that that was very, very true that often there was a younger person who had been parentified, who seemed to be born an old soul, like just born with some kind of maturity. And we can really see that a lot of people have parents, a lot of people have family members, a lot of people themselves, may really be operating emotionally, like a 12 year old, they really may be operating like a 16 year old. And some of that is temperament. Some of that is experience. Some of that is nature, some of that is nurture. Some of that is drug and alcohol use stunting emotional development, we certainly know about that. But I would also say growing up with chaos, for certain personalities can stunt that development. So when we say trauma or dysfunction, those are overused, they’re overplayed. They’re almost like the word good at this point. It’s like we all know what it means. But it doesn’t mean much of anything anymore. Things that would not traumatize us today that would just be annoying to us today are truly traumatic for a child, we need a certain amount of peace. So if we grew up with chaos, that may become traumatic in a way that today would just be annoying. But for the child, we were was really unfortunate for the development of our own maturity, our own ability to communicate with more and more age and wisdom instead of reaction, being able to really respond with greater wisdom. And if we come from people that functionally didn’t mature, I can very much say that’s true in my family system, that is so confusing and frightening. And so if we have a portion of the population that isn’t emotionally maturing, then of course, that’s going to affect how they grow and develop, because an immature person is going to want to eat that whole bag of Oreos, it takes a certain amount of maturity, to go wait a minute, even though part of me wants to just stuffed my face with all those Oreos, another part of me has to step in and know Hey, that’ll make me sick. And we need to know that about all these more complex interactions and dynamics and motivations and desires. Who are we doing things for we pleasing the people in our family? Because they want us to get sober? You know, we want them to quit ride in our asks. So we learn to say the right things? Or are we really cultivating an inner drive towards expressing in this life to to our highest potential is that our driving force? Are we just trying to get by and feel good in the moment. And if we’re immature, I suspect we’re more likely I know that we’re more likely to reach for those in the moment feel goods that really support our personal development and our security, and our groundedness. And even developing things like a certain amount of wealth and financial stabilities. Because money is choice, and its power, and its comfort, it’s so many things. So I think so much plays on what comes together to really drive a person towards seeking and working and it’s work. And again, if you’re immature, how do we convince somebody that the work is worth it? If their immature part is just like, I don’t want to do that uncomfortable stuff? I’d rather sit and watch TV, how do you motivate that if we’re not really talking about maturity in these spaces, too.

Eric Zimmer  14:09

So I think there’s a lot to be said for this idea of maturity, when you’re talking to made me think of Ken Wilber who formulated that sort of, we need to clean up grow up and wake up, right? There’s these three elements. Some people even include showing up in that. What I think is interesting, though, is that by definition so many of us arrive at the process of change, very mature though, growing through and maturing is part of it. But is that the essential element because many of us don’t have it when we get here. I know I didn’t write you know, when I got sober. I’m a little bit grateful. You know, I got sober and kind of a hard ass a environment and today’s world it would not be smiled upon too much. Maybe there were some things about it that were not great, but there was a real strong gonna focus on personal responsibility. And growing up and being an adult and taking care of your business. And that was really good for me, I really needed to see that element of like all the different ways that I show up in life. But the other thing that that time really taught me that I think is interesting about thinking that insight is the stuff was, you know, what I was really taught was, sometimes we can’t think our way in the right action, we have to act our way the right thinking. And so my focus was always on, like, let me just do what I’m being told to do. Let me just try and do the thing, even though my brain still feels like an angry four year old all the time.

Nikki Eisenhauer  15:40

So I work with a lot of highly sensitive people. And often I think I shocked them, when I say you cannot be so feeling driven. Our feelings are liars part of the time, we have to do hard work, despite how we feel. We cannot let how we feel drive the bus of our life. Like I’m from New Orleans, it is the land of vices, we eat, and we drink, we feed people, we hand people drinks, we almost don’t know how to socially relate unless we’re doing it through food and alcohol. So we have to be able to get real about the difference between what we want, and what we need. When I’m talking to highly sensitive people. That is shocking. And it used to not be shocking. I’ve been doing this for 17 years. And it used to not be shocking. And I think it’s part of, frankly, where mental health has failed in the last two decades. It’s becoming so soft. And so listening of emotion, that we’ve forgotten that we need a balance between Yes, of course, we need to listen to ourselves and each other. We need to pay attention to emotions and their inherent information. We need to check those things out. But I believe we very much need to have that real world grounded basic, Hey, you are going to have to grow up, hey, you can’t give in to every feeling you have if you want to have a really good life. It is just that simple sometimes, and I believe sometimes therapists to get caught in overcomplicating what really is simple in this way. That’s why AAA has saying it’s like just do the next right thing. No matter how you feel. Stop paying attention to how you feel in that moment and just do the next right thing. So as a profession, I think mental health has gone way too far into holding space for emotion, dropping the ball of that personal responsibility. And I think that is why we are seeing skyrocketing depression, addiction and suicide. We need to tell people that they must take responsibility for their lives. There’s no getting around it. There are no people with white knights that will come and save us. I know I waited for one for a while I hoped for one I fantasized about somebody coming and doing the work for me. That may be part of the grief process, the bargaining stage of grief. But to get real deep down into the nitty gritty of my life comes down to me no matter what happened to me in childhood, no matter what choices, my own immaturity made. If I want a mature life, I have to actually take myself towards that maturity. And as myself sees me do those actions, I will mature. I also think like in your story, yes, of course you came to it with a maturity. But whatever that stuff was that insight that went, Hey, this isn’t right. For us. This feels icky. There’s got to be a different way. That desire to want to mature, I believe is the insight.

Eric Zimmer  18:38

Yeah, there’s a few different things there. I tend to agree with you. I’ve been doing this podcast about nine years, I feel like even just in this nine years, I have seen a shift where I can see it even in the answering of the wolf parable, right? Because on one level, the wolf parable is a simple parable about choice, right? Our actions and our thoughts and our behaviors, they all matter. And we have a choice in them. Right? So on one level, it’s a very straightforward and simple parable. And once upon a time, that was how most people would answer it. More and more. Now the answers are about how we need to embrace and love our bad wolf. And I think that’s an insight that’s important and useful. I’m not saying we shouldn’t be doing that. But I do think we need to listen to our feelings. I do think we need to hold space for emotion, all that stuff. But I agree with you. I feel like the pendulum has just swung a little bit too far in the direction of being a victim of being traumatized have not been able to do something away from empowerment. I mean, I don’t think we want to go back to something that’s very extreme and I don’t think my early days in AAA were great right? I had to actually move out of that for a period of time where I was like, You know what, they just keep saying it doesn’t matter what happened to you just act like a certain person. I was like, Well, okay, but at a certain point certain level of healing. I’m Gonna have to deal with what did happen to me I have to deal with trauma, I do have to deal with the ways in which I didn’t develop. So it does feel like the pendulum is a little over too far. And I’m waiting to see it sort of start to swing back because I feel like it will. I think it has to, I just hope it doesn’t snap back. Right. So I think it’s, you know, let’s kind of come back in the middle, because I think that actually the answer is, it really is in the middle, right? It is a case of like, yes, we’d need a really strong sense of personal responsibility and accountability, and a real focus on like, here’s the right thing to do, here’s the right action. And we need to be compassionate and kind to ourselves and others about the challenges we faced and the ways that we haven’t developed, I think your work actually strikes a pretty good balance between those two things, which is partially why I wanted to talk to you,

Nikki Eisenhauer  20:49

I’m passionate about that balance. I mean, for years, my clients would probably tell you that balance was the word that came out of my mouth the most. And we’re complicated. And it’s something that I’ve had to work on accepting myself, I think most highly sensitive people walk the world, like, Hey, when are you going to accept me, and then tell me that I’m okay. And it doesn’t work that way. If it did, I wouldn’t be uttering these things out of my mouth, what works is to work on accepting who we are. So I had to do a lot of work on hey, I’m an intensely feeling person, hey, I have had a lot happened to me in my history, I have survived the abandonment of one parent, I have survived the sexual abuse of another parent, I have survived a mother that is a sociopath and an ice queen and not warm with me, those are things that need to be considered and who I am, how I developed, how those shaped me what I want to let go of what I don’t want to take forward. There’s a lot there. But there’s also a point at which I just have to do the next right thing in this present moment. So talk therapy sometimes gets people lost, I see people sometimes partnering, like you said, embracing our inner dark parts, or our inner dysfunction, I see people more in the last three to five years, partnering with their depression, instead of seeing it acknowledging it and then fighting their depression. Yeah, so there’s nuance there that I think gets missed, you know, like the internet connected you and I, you know, there’s so much power. In this technological contraption, we’re all using way too much. But there’s also downside. And so as much as these messages get celebrated and shared more, they also get watered down, the nuance gets lost. And you have to be really real with yourself. therapists have to be real with themselves. Are they enabling people to just keep circling their story? Are they helping them really connect the dots and move forward? And as a patient or a client of a coach or a therapist? Are you asking that person to challenge you to help you get unstuck? Are you helping them just kind of circle and circle and circle like, everybody has to take responsibility for their part and their role, and I’m passionate about if we do that, we really are healing the world, one person at a time, as corny as that might sound. And that is our job. It is your one precious life, you’re responsible for it. If you keep trying to farm that out. I think you’ll just be resentful later for the time wasted, not taking responsibility. I don’t live with a lot of regret. But if I could go back in time, I would tell myself, stop thinking so hard, do some of these healthy things and move forward, you’re gonna have a chance to process but move. Yeah, like with trauma. Yeah, you have to move slowly, sometimes, but you got to move. And too many people are getting comfortable in their feelings. And in swirling the story instead of figuring out how to really move forward.

Eric Zimmer  24:02

It makes me think of one of my favorite tropes about depression, which is depression hates a moving target, because that’s just been my experiences, I just have to move. You know, whether that be physically emotional, I mean, it’s it movement in all the different ways you can think of it. Now one of the cruel paradoxes of depression is it sucks the energy out of you, and you don’t have much energy to move. And so I think sometimes we have to recognize what is the next right thing for me and my actual real capabilities, right? So the next right thing for me, I may be able to take a bigger next right step than the next person or vice versa, right. But I do strongly believe there are always positive steps to take, even if they’re really, really small, and we need to be taking them. And one of the other things you’re talking about made me think of is I interviewed a guy named Ethan Kross. He’s a University of Michigan researcher and he wrote a book called Chatter, which is all about kind of the internal chatter, but he references a study in there that has really stuck with me. Because the question was, when somebody comes to you with a problem, what is more helpful? Is it more helpful for you to listen? And empathize? Or is it more helpful for you to offer solutions and advice or to give them a gentle nudge? And what this study found was, surprise, surprise, it’s both. Right, that what’s actually most helpful is both, you have to start at least my experience has always been you have to start with the listening and the understanding, and letting someone know, they’ve really been heard, that is essential. If that step is skipped, the next one simply won’t work. But then there is a point where sometimes we need a nudge from the people who care about us.

Nikki Eisenhauer  25:50

Yes, it’s interesting to hear you use that language that is almost verbatim the language I use with individual clients, I will often at the beginning of a session a couple of minutes and say, What do you need today? Do you need to vent? Do you need to talk this through? Do you need some strategies? Do you need some tips? What do you want? What do you need? And the interesting thing about me leading with that question frequently, is that I can see and people will tell me, ha, they basically don’t realize that those are the two options. So a lot of people I think get caught in that story or that venting as a mode. When I asked that question, it’s also a teaching of, hey, you have the empowerment to decided. And you need to be mindful about what you’re doing there. Because there needs to be a time to be done with the venting, at least in this day and this season. Sure, we might revisit it if it’s impactful for something that’s happening in our in our future. But there’s a point at which is that enough? So that’s another question I will ask them on is, Hey, have you vented about that enough? And watching the wheels turn off? Have I? And sitting with that question, Have I does that ego want to just complain about this some more? Because you can start to feel it if you’re paying attention to it. There’s a point of diminishing return for all things, right? Yes. So I want my people I want anybody listening to me to know that you have the power inside of you to start sensing, is this useful for me and helpful? Have I said enough, then let me be done with that venting part and move on. And that’s the kind of nuance skill that sounds so freakin simple when I say it out loud. But it’s the very thing that somebody doesn’t ever intentionally teach us as a kid. Unless you’re doing this kind of process with me, and then you pass it on to your child. Most of us did not organically come to that kind of nuanced, emotional education about sensing yourself.

Eric Zimmer  27:46

Yeah. And what’s interesting is that it does seem that people by default fall to one side, or the other of that more naturally, one side is the stereotypical man who just doesn’t think about or process emotion at all. It’s just here’s what we need to do cuts right to it, right. And then the other would be the person as you’re describing the classic ruminative person, right, who gets completely stuck in their head, and it just spins and it spins and spins. And what we’re looking for, at least for me, is sort of like you said, it’s that middle ground that middle way between those two things, where we’re able to do it, and I agree 100%, there is a point where the thought processes has diminishing returns and use one of my favorite phrases in there, which is useful, right? With thoughts is this useful? Because there are some very difficult negative thoughts that are very useful at times, they are very helpful. They have a lot to teach us, you know, we can be very uncomfortable. And then there’s a point where they’re no longer useful. And you know, knowing that point can be really helpful. I mean, for me, I’m kind of looking at like, am I covering the same ground again, and again, with no new back to your word earlier insight, like nothing new is popping up like the first five times I thought about the conversation I had with my partner. Each time I went through it, I saw something slightly different. So I went back through it and all I saw this and Kai, that makes me cringe, but at least I know, you know, but now, the last five times that my mind has circled it, it circled it in the exact same way at which point diminishing returns. And now it’s moving into okay, this thought now is becoming not useful, even possibly destructive and harmful. Now, how do I move out of that

Nikki Eisenhauer  29:34

I am passionate about helping people understand that if they’re over thinkers, likely they’re very smart. And likely they started overthinking as a kid in my own life. Because I didn’t have a lot of emotional nurturance or understanding of what I was going through that could help me understand what I was going through. I believe I had a lot of intuitions that I could do anything with because my intuition would say, Hey, your mom’s real scary right now, maybe you’re about to be hit. And as a child, I couldn’t do anything with that intuition. I couldn’t get in my car and drive off. You know, I couldn’t handle the situation any better than just taking it because I was a kid, or trying to mouth off and rebel against it. But I was a pretty good girl growing up in the South to good good southern girl, like you just don’t fight back. So if we really understand that concept, if we grew up with a lot of stress, if we grew up with a lot of unsafe parenting, or immature, inadequate parenting, and you’re really smart, your energy had to go somewhere. So I think it leaves the intuition and goes to the head. And we start overthinking in those moments where we can’t escape with our bodies. So when we start to understand that, I can help people manage their own inner child, and be able to say in that moment to themselves, when they catch that cloud of overthinking that starts, or Oh, this isn’t useful. I’ve already thought this, from the beginning to the end, and through 10 different times, I don’t need to think about this, again, that it is your job. And it’s it’s a gift, it’s a gratitude that it gets to be your grown up job to do for your own inner psyche, your own inner child, what your parents or your childhood situation didn’t know how to do for you, you get to step in now and go oh, sweet boy are all sweet girl in there. This is a time where grown up me says we don’t need to overthink this, we’ve thought about this enough. And learning how to internalize enoughness with the overthinking that so many of us do when we have a lot of emotion, a lot of passion, a lot of intensity with who we are. And we’re really smart. And the way I say it a lot is you gotta be smarter than your smarts. Because your critical voice and the overthinking part are going to be just as smart as you are. So we’ve got to out think you’re thinking parts so that you stay sort of in the integrity of using your intelligence for your own greater good, and not letting your critical voice or that overthinker grab your intelligence and you know, dig a hole into the ground with it.

Eric Zimmer  32:07

That’s really great. Because oftentimes, I naturally go back to my sort of early recovery days, right? And there was a real sense there that like being smart was a bad thing. Because of what you’re describing, right? Because you would just overthink things. And this is not a time for overthinking. Right, this is a time for taking the actions that will keep you sober, right? It’s time to stop the overthinking. But it’s sort of cast that thinking as a negative, it’s one of the things that ultimately sort of pulled me away from that place. And I’m not saying all 12 Step programs or a are like this, by the way, I want to be extraordinarily clear. This was a particular group of people at a particular time and place in history, you know, 2526 years ago. So don’t think listeners that all 12 Step groups are like this at all. So I just feel like I always have to say that, but knowing that I was somewhat intelligent, you know, it ultimately sort of drove me away, because I was like, But wait a second, my goal here is not to dumb myself down. Right. My goal here is not to cut out my thinking brain. Right. So to your point, it’s how do we do it? So let’s say that we have realized like, okay, too much enough? You know, I am past the point of usefulness in this thinking, what are some of the strategies that you recommend that people use to try and deal with that inner chatter? Because just because I’ve realized that I don’t want to think about it anymore, certainly does not mean that I have the skills to not think about it.

Nikki Eisenhauer  33:40

So I can answer that for the next 1400 hours. Okay, I don’t think there’s any one tool I think it’s actually about wrapping our minds around a lifestyle change, like this is how I live now. I think the world is also speeding up so much, and requiring so much of us that no matter what our childhood state was like, or our addiction history, it was like we are really being brought into realms of just ridiculous levels of expected franticness, for lack of a better way for me to say that. So I think, yes, there’s healing childhood trauma. Yes, there’s healing and learning how to take care of yourself post addiction. But just being a human being right now, in this time period, I think requires very similar strategies. I try to live slowing down now even if that means I’m doing a lot that day and I’m moving fast. I want to understand that I don’t want that sort of frantic Go Go Go rush rush rush to be in my brain, in my mind in the tissues of my body. Yes. So it’s a lifestyle choice of practicing slowing down I’m actually it might be releasing today as we’re working According actually, I have a emotional strength training 30 days to piece course. Because it takes repetition, I can tell by the things that you offer you very much understand that it takes repetition of what it is to calm, to internalize peace and to actually value stillness in this world that gives stillness, the finger, it doesn’t value it, it dismisses it, hustle culture work harder, I’ll sleep when I’m dead. If you’re trying to heal your nervous system to that is a way to feel fried and burnt out, and how are you supposed to evolve and be your best self if you’re living from a place of fried, and burnt out. So just having a framework of I want to fold the laundry, like a Buddhist monk eats, they sit down, they don’t multitask, they sit down, they pay attention to every bite going into their mouth, when you really think about that, versus our American eyes eat while you’re driving while you’re balancing your checkbook. I mean, you know, while you’re doing a handstand, on one hand, I mean, we are expecting out of ourselves to do really a ridiculous amount of things. So that’s kind of my framework for just, let’s in general, understand the forces at play, no matter what our history was. And we have to understand that we have to combat those forces or those forces are going to take us down, we have to limit the scrolling. You know, it’s like a slot machine, you guys, and especially if you have addictive history, it’s addictive to all of us, you know, we have to do simple things like that, that our inner adolescent doesn’t want to do. It doesn’t want to put down the phone. But putting down the phone, stopping and taking a breath, meditation. And when I say that, on my show, I go, I hear the eye rolls, I feel the eye rolls, because every spiritual, psychological teacher just says meditate, meditate, meditate, all forces out there are the opposite of meditative energy. But if we really understand that, then I think it can give us a permission. Yeah, we need to counterbalance those forces in the present. And we need to do some counterbalancing of our historical forces, also. So slowing down, I try to fold laundry, like that Buddhist monk eats, I try to drive slow and calm and use each experience to be the practice of calm, instead of giving yourself five different piece practice tasks, or mind quieting tasks to do, which is just adding more things to your to do list, which, you know, technically, is correct and right, you can’t find something wrong with. But in terms of the spirit of what I’m saying, adding to your to do list, isn’t it? You don’t need 10 more things to do.

Eric Zimmer  37:44

That’s right. I mean, that’s the whole focus of the spiritual habits program that I created, which is, as we go about our day to day lives, how do we do some of these things that will allow us to access more peace without adding a lot to our to do list because there’s just no more time, there just is yes, that’s what the cause of a lot of stresses and to be told, Well, now you need to, in addition to eating right, getting enough sleep, exercising, taking care of your children having a career now you need to meditate for an hour a day and journal for 30 minutes. It’s just like, you know, it just isn’t going to happen. So there’s got to be a way to integrate more of this. And, as you said, there is something to some time and stillness, I think, being really beneficial. Whatever that way of stepping out in into stillness is for you. It could be meditation, it could be sitting quietly, it could be listening to a piece of music you love very focused and intently, but it is slowing down, nowhere to go. And some attempt to sort of put our attention on something and keep it there. I do think that is a foundational skill for humans, and one that is becoming even more important, as you said, as we become increasingly distracted and fragmented.

Nikki Eisenhauer  39:06

Yes, I think people like you and I are doing the work to hold on to that art form. So it doesn’t become a lost art of knowing the value and stillness. So many of my clients at a point wound at wind up laughing and going Nikki, am I really paying you to teach me how to just be still and do less? And in some ways? Yes. Yes. And it sounds so it sounds like the simplest thing we could possibly ask ourselves with. But it really is something that I find we need help with. I didn’t see anybody value stillness growing up not one time, not for one minute. It was doo doo doo I was raised by a German descent grandmother, who if I got still, if I just stood still for a moment, she would say what is the purpose of what you’re doing? And as a child, I could not answer that today. If she was still alive. I’d go aha, I finally know the answer that question I’m centering I’m breathing, I’m giving my nervous system a chance to just ground itself good. Yeah, I’m being a human being instead of a human doing so it’s looking at those dynamics, to understand, oh, oh, I was really taught that it was wrong and bad, to have stillness, you take that old teaching on top of what’s going on in modern life. And my goodness, of course, I have to intentionally bring in stillness. And I have to talk to my inner child, because I’m going to hear that critical voice. In some ways, I was raised by very critical people. So in some ways, that’s like my original language. I only speak English. But what we know that other speakers who speak multiple languages, they tend to think in their native language. I’ve accepted that, in some ways, I may think, in my native language of the critical voice. And so I have to know that when I get still, that critical voice might show up and go, really, again, you’re being lazy. What are you doing, and I need to know about how that voice works. Because in that moment, I’m being different. I’m being intentional. I’m doing something against my original programming, and the programming that’s going on right now. So of course, that voice is going to show up and go, ooh, Nikia. I don’t know if this is right, bad, bad, shame, shame on you. And I have to know how to feel that vibe, wash over me or hear that voice so that I know exactly what my job is, and how I can effectively combat those forces. And in that moment, if I’m on my game, I can turn to my own inner self and go, Oh, no, that would have worked before. But now I know the value in the stillness, that’s what I’m doing. And we’re going to be still grown up WISEWOMAN me decided that this is a smart, right practice for us. So we’re going to do it. And the more I do that, the more that that voice lowers and intensity and frequency, and kind of steps to the background, whereas it used to drive as the primary driver of my life.

Eric Zimmer  42:30

You said a whole bunch of great things there. I think one thing that we sort of hit on briefly was repetition and quieting the inner chatter, or quieting that inner critic, at least for me has simply been a matter of just more times than I could possibly begin to count at this point, recognizing that voice and doing something different with it, like, over and over and over. And I think one of the places that people get discouraged is they hear stuff like this, and they go, Well, I tried that last week. And I’m not better. And I do think, you know, if we want to talk about maturity, that is another sign of maturity is recognizing like, Okay, this is going to take a long time. It’s the only game in town, really, there are no other good choices, I can continue to try and believe that it’s this supplement, or this one magic trick or this one thing. But once we realize like wellness is a thing that takes a lot of repetition, a lot of time.

Nikki Eisenhauer  43:29

It’s not a thing you do. It’s the way you live. Yes. I think that is what traps people, they’re like, Hey, I went to the doctor. They gave me these meds. Yeah, okay, I did this, I did this health thing, when am I going to feel better? Living Well, is what makes us feel better. So a lot of people show up to a therapist or a coach basically saying this without realizing they’re saying this. Hi, will you please help me change? While I try to remain the same? Gee, why is this so hard? Why do I feel like I’m spinning my wheels? Why do I feel like I’m stuck in one spot? Well, because you’re trying to hold on to the sameness while you’re just using language and telling yourself thoughts about wanting to change. If we take that thought process away, what are you doing? Because you’re living the same as you’ve always lived? Or the same as you’ve lived in this last season of your life? You can’t be different in the same at the same time. What are you willing to change? And that’s not unique to any individual. That’s the human experience. There is something about being a human, where our egos, they don’t go, oh, wow, this change would be great for us. Let’s dive in. That ego really grips sameness, and I think that comes from survival for centuries since the beginning of time, the beginning of humanity, because stepping into an unknown was dangerous. And so we learned at a very deep level to just hold on to sameness, even when that sameness is screwing us over is not working. So it takes a lot of Have courage and a lot of I think just seeing and that might be insight again. But seeing Oh, that is what I’m doing. I’m trying to be the same and different. No wonder this is getting weird. And struggle Busey, let me let go of that. Let me just try to be different in these simple ways. It’s why I’m so passionate about offering simple strategies. And it’s simple. It’s not easy. But if you let it be simple, you stop chattering in your mind about it, and you just go do this stillness thing. Let’s just do this thing, Nicky or Eric suggest it, let’s just do it for a while, stop thinking about it, and do it, then you can see yourself in the change. And that becomes its own self motivator.

Eric Zimmer  45:41

Yep. I think what gets so difficult is that we have all these inner voices that often want different things. And they all sound like us. You know, I mean, that’s been one of my, my insights as well, whether it’s my alcoholic voice or my inner child voice, or my grown up voice, my er voice, whatever, they all sound like me. They all know how to impersonate Eric very well. And so what gets hard is it’s like, well, I decided I’m going to do this change. But now the same voice that decided I was going to do that change is now telling me that that stupid and it’s never going to work. And so then I believe that I often think about like, when I got sober, I sometimes feel like, like 51% of me, wanted to give up drugs, and 49% of me did not. And those two were engaged in moral struggle for a while. And eventually that proportion is changed right now. It’s like 99% does not 1% still like, wow, come on, let’s we need to think about this. But 99% of me notice, it’s a terrible idea. And I think when those things are closer to 5149, which is often the case when we start to make a change, because we’re still getting something out of the old thing. sorting those voices out is really difficult. How do you encourage people to be able to sort that out and know what’s their wiser voice? What’s their truer voice?

Nikki Eisenhauer  47:08

I think when people listen to my show over time, that starts to clarify, because very often I am speaking to different parts. And in the work that I’ve done with my clients and myself over the years, it’s in really differentiating, and learning to hear the difference in those voices. Okay, I have trained myself into nothing’s 100%, right, but damn near 100% Where I don’t make a decision. I don’t mean like what she’s do I want to buy at the grocery store, not just big decisions, I basically don’t make a decision without the check in which part of me is at the home. So that I have learned to distinguish the difference between is that an inner child part. And in that moment, I might, given what my inner child wants that might very much fit the situation. But the person that I give the power to the part that I give the power to is my wise woman. So there’s always the check in there for Hey, wise woman, what do you think about this, because my wise woman is always going to want what is best for me, because she is the wisest part of me. And I’m checking in with her for her wisdom, her hard earned wisdom and the easier wisdom to I can differentiate my inner child from my inner adolescent. When people work with me, I’m often pointing that out, because I can sense their resistance. If I throw a suggestion, I’ll go, what did your inner adolescent think about this? And they’ll go, how did you know that? I had that kind of reaction? I saw it. I felt it. I sensed it. Did you feel it and sense it? Yeah, I did. All right, what makes me call that the inner adolescent. And that’s just my name for that resistant part. And if you were neglected a lot as a kid, if you were parental FIDE if you were abused a lot, like I was, you got to deal with your inner adolescent, when therapists would tell me things that I knew damn good, and well would have been good for me to do, I would feel my inner adolescent resist. And there were not very many skilled therapists that could call me on that. It’s part of why I do. Because that inner adolescent basically pokes its head up and goes, Excuse me, you basically raise yourself. Now this therapeutic Bozo is going to tell you to do something, and what you’re just gonna do it, you raise yourself, you don’t need this shit. And that really is the vibe. Sometimes you can hear that language, but that’s really the vibe. It is a feeling that washes over. And if you don’t know, how to wrangle that how to start attending to that. I think that’s where people have tons of relapses. They have tons of slips and all kinds of different behavior not just addictively. Because they don’t understand when that part sort of takes over. And then after when your wise part comes back and you look at the choices you made, then you have to go through this whole shame process. I know better. Why did I do that? How many times am I gonna have to learn this lesson? How many times am I gonna have to talk about the same thing? What’s going on with me? Then you have to work through that too. So at a point when you start to really give the baton to your wife wise woman or your wise man, you start to realize, oh, I waste less energy processing, I make less mistakes. I kind of like that, actually, oh, that’s what’s helping that inner child and that inner adolescent actually grow up, because I’m giving them what they need. Because what they need are proper yeses and proper nose, proper encouragement and proper discouragement, sometimes, really. So I want to tap in somebody to parent me. And we all have that part. And I can prove that we all have that part. Because most people will admit to me if I said, Hey, would you say what you’re saying inside of your own head? To a five year old? Or an eight year old? No. Why? Well, because that would crush them. Then simply do not say anything to yourself, disallow yourself, tell yourself, no, tell yourself, I’m not going to listen to that. If you wouldn’t say it to a five or an eight year old, probably shouldn’t be saying it to yourself. Yep. So we are cultivating that wisdom and with more cultivation, and maybe more stillness to meditating on what was this part of me? Why did that wash over me when that person gave me that suggestion? Why did I want to give him the middle finger instead of gone? Thanks. I’ll consider that because I’m a grown up. I can take or toss out any advice? Why the resistance to hearing the advice and working through that inner adolescent resistance? I think it’s the missing piece for a lot of people, 

Eric Zimmer  51:25

That missing piece being able to recognize which quote, unquote, part of us is at the hill.

Nikki Eisenhauer  51:30

Oh, yeah. Because I’m complex. And most of my highly sensitive people are, I’m super complex. I like almost everything. So asking me what I want to eat. Like, oh, my gosh, like everything, you know, like, I want to experience everything. So I have to have a part of me that is going to be at the helm. That can just say, You know what, just make a quick decision. That’s what will serve you right now. Yeah. And the more that you work with differentiating these parts, even if the even if you’re hearing me say that, and you’re like, Ah, I don’t know how to how to feel that out. That’s the very thing. Yeah, it’s like, how do you work up to big muscles at the gym, you don’t show up and lift the 100 pound weight, you might start with a three pound weight, you might even start with a one pound weight. And so emotionally, and in terms of getting to know yourself better, just start where you are, the more that you work with those parts, it’s like lifting heavier and heavier weight. And before you know it, you’re lifting heavier weight, and it feels really light, it feels really easy, because you’ve worked up to it. So just check in with yourself. And when I teach my boundaries course, every October, I lead with, hey, please don’t go to the most difficult person in your life, and try to set a boundary. And everybody laughs because that’s how almost everybody shows up to that. But they’re like, Yeah, give me the wisdom, Nicky, and then I’m gonna go tackle the tallest mountain. Yep. It’s like start small. Start small. Confront the barista who keeps getting your name wrong. No, like, like, let yourself grow into healthy confrontation with yourself and with other people. Let yourself grow into healthy yeses. And healthy knows healthiness is available. Even if you feel super lost, just start where you are, and cultivate that relationship with your wise man and your wise woman. Because you have an in there, that is definitely a part of you. And you’re either going to feed it or you’re going to feed the other parts, maybe the immature parts, maybe the dysfunctional parts, the rebellious parts, feed that wise part. Yep.

Eric Zimmer  53:26

That’s so funny. In the spiritual habits program, one of the principles is around allowing things to be the way they are right. It’s about acceptance, or it’s about not resisting. And inevitably, nearly everybody will be like, Well, how do I accept that children are being abused? And I’m like, Alright, let’s slow down. Like, I’m not asking you to accept that. But let’s not go to the very worst possible hardest things in the world. Like, can you just work on accepting that you need to go to work this morning? Like, can we start like with the little stuff? Can we stop resisting all the little parts of our day that we know we’re going to do anyway?

Nikki Eisenhauer  54:02

I think that’s a younger part. I think that’s a younger part that has misunderstood wisdom there. Because if I say it back to you like this, we can really kind of hear it. It’s like the little kid in US goes, boo. I don’t like that everybody’s gonna die. From worst case scenario. What about the worst case scenario? What about the worst thing ever? The worst thing I could think of? And so we need our wise part to come in in that moment and go, Oh, honey, you don’t have to take on the hardest thing. Yep. Right now, in this moment. That’s not going to help you talk about is that useful or not? Exactly. Yeah. As you marinate, because I think it’s more of a marinating. Than A headspace learning of the knowledge because I know this for sure. Okay. I’m on your show. I know for my show, I suspect for yours, too. There are gonna be so many people listening right now who are really frustrated with where they are. And I know part of the problem. Part of the problem is you’re just listening to podcasts. You’re just talking in therapy. You gotta let yourself actually do these things. Yes, even just sitting still, maybe your threshold is 20 seconds the first time you sit and get still. But you’ve got to encourage yourself to really do the things that will move you forward, and help yourself grow that wise woman and really do it. Give that baton to the wise woman or the wise man in you, and play around with it. Life is an experiment. And you have to sort of experiment with these things and marinate inside of them. And that’s how our change comes. It’s not because you took quick pill or you did one exercise or one course, yep, this stuff will come together, please don’t just listen to my podcast, or anybody’s like, please do the stuff. Or you’re gonna feel doubly frustrated. Because you think you’re doing the things when you’re really just thinking the things you’re gonna do the things to,

Eric Zimmer  55:57

Yep, let’s change directions a little bit here. We’re nearing the end of our time, but you’ve used the term multiple times highly sensitive, and it’s something you talk about a fair amount. So what does that mean? I have a sense in my mind of what I mean by it. But I’m curious how you’re using that term. 

Nikki Eisenhauer  56:13

So there’s a lot of science behind high sensitivity. Dr. Elaine Aaron is the one that that first coined the term and she’s written the books and they’re, they’re pretty scientific, heavy books to get through. There’s a lot of science there, emotionally and functionally. We know that we have people who have different intelligences. We know we have people who have different abilities to see with their eyeballs to hear with their ears. People have different emotional intelligence to we also have different sensory systems. So there are some professionals who will make the argument that trauma is wholly responsible for creating high sensitivity. Others will say we’re born with it. I’m balanced between those two, no surprise, they’re hearing me talk about balance all show the balance there is strong for me. So I believe that I was born with a propensity a predisposition, to be more of an observer to be more feeling driven to sense my world through more of my being than my thought process. Just a difference. Just like I’m born with curly kind of wavy hair, and somebody else is born with straight hair. It’s just a difference we have, then trauma heightens our sensitivity. Because to survive, any kid growing up in a home, okay, is either trying to deny what’s going on and block it out or is observing everything and taking it in. We’re very spongy as highly sensitive people. So I say a lot I sponged up a lot in my childhood and healing has been ringing out that sponge, and being able to be more intentional with what I’m going to let that sponge soak up. Okay, highly sensitive people as a tribe. We tend to be highly conscientious, sometimes too much. So if we were conditioned to be a people pleaser, that’s a struggle. How do we please ourselves and other people enough to not be in the realm of over functioning for other people, just like overthinking versus just thinking, how do we function for ourselves and others without over functioning? Okay, we tend to be overly conscientious. We tend to be observers of others in energy and action, we tend to not too much psychic, some people might use that word I don’t. The gift of prophecy, it’s like we can sense things coming in because we can sense what’s coming, we tend to be highly attuned to preventing future struggle. So all of these little quirks that we have as highly sensitive people, take tools, take understanding, take awareness, so many people show up to me going Nikki, how do I dial down this high sensitivity, and I’m like, sorry to tell you you can, you can learn how to work with it and embrace it, and make it a tool and a gift. And sometimes it’s hard. Life is tough. It always has been for every species on the planet, you know, so this expectation of it’s just gonna be easy. At some point, no, life is gonna be a certain amount of struggle, but you get to have more ease. I think when you understand your makeup, who you are, as a highly sensitive person I heard all my life I’m too sensitive. So a lot of sensitive people, interestingly, and paradoxically, will tell me sometimes they think they’re too much and then other times they think they’re too little. So learning how to be the amount of who we are, and accept who we are. Learning how to advocate that. Yes, I’m an intense person. There’s nothing wrong with my emotionality. I’m intense. So if I’m in a coffee shop or grocery store, just randomly running errands, I can feel a wave wash over me if a baby smiles at me, I might get teary just from the beauty of this little being taken a moment to connect with me like his spirit to my spirit, and I might tear up 15 years ago, I would have been ashamed. Embarrassed, I would have held my head, I would have apologized if anybody noticed me crying today I have taught myself and grown into in that moment, keeping my head held up high. And when other people get weird, showing emotion in public, I look at them and I say, It’s okay. I’m tearful, and I’m strong. It’s all right. And watching their wheels turn on that, like, what is this crazy lady saying? And then watching them go? Yeah, okay. All right, maybe she can be strong and emotional at the same time, the more that I have worked on accepting who I am in the world, and not seeing myself as a problem, the more that I am in self respect and self regard of myself. And then I’m walking the world teaching people how to treat me and teaching them to have regard for my sensitivity to one of my things is that we are highly sensitive, we are not delicate. And I absolutely resist any teaching, any therapy, any coaching, anything that gives someone directly or indirectly the message that they are delicate, and they better tend to their delicacy. We are sensitive and we are strong, we are sensitive, and we are tough, we are not delicate. And going into delicacy is victim mode, and it will not serve you if becoming the victim actually helps you in any way I’d be all for it. It will thwart you, it will ruin a life it will ruin satisfaction, it will ruin purpose, and it will make your life small and good healthy people will not hang out with a constant victim. So this victim mentality that’s getting pushed I’m against it, particularly for highly sensitive people. You are strong and you are capable to surmount anything, even in the moments where you think you can’t. And when sensitive people step into their strength and their self acceptance. Oh, my God, are they or force?

Eric Zimmer  1:01:55

Well, I think that is a beautiful place to wrap up on that really strong message there of not being delicate, sensitive and strong.

Nikki Eisenhauer  1:02:05

Thank you sir. Thank you for having me and spending time with me.

Eric Zimmer  1:02:08

Thank you so much. I love talking with you and I will see you next time.

Nikki Eisenhauer  1:02:12

I appreciate it so much.

Filed Under: Featured, Habits & Behavior Change, Podcast Episode

How to Break Free from the ‘More’ Trap and Find Balance in a Busy Life with Chris Bailey

December 24, 2024 Leave a Comment

how to break free from the more trap
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In this episode, Chris Bailey discusses how to break free from the “more” trap and find balance in a busy life. He explores the concept of ‘stimulation heights,’ the challenges of constant digital stimulation, and practical strategies for creating meaningful, intentional experiences. Chris also shares how learning to cultivate presence can lead to greater calm, focus, and fulfillment in your modern lifestyle.

Key Takeaways:

  • The misconceptions about calm and its crucial role in productivity
  • How our pursuit of “more” impacts our ability to be present
  • The concept of “super stimuli” and their effect on our brain chemistry
  • Practical strategies for creating boundaries and finding balance
  • The power of savoring and its impact on our overall well-being

Connect with Chris Bailey: Website | Instagram

Chris Bailey is an author  and host of the Time and Attention podcast. His podcast explores the science of living a deeper, more intentional life. He is also one of self proclaimed “laziest people you will ever meet” and his drive to free up time for relaxation has led him to intensively research and experiment with the subject of productivity for the last decade. To date, Chris has written hundreds of articles on the subject, and has garnered coverage in media as diverse as The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, GQ, The Huffington Post, New York Magazine, Harvard Business Review, TED, and many others.  His newest book is How to Calm Your Mind:  Finding Presence and Productivity in Anxious Times.

If you enjoyed this episode with Chris Bailey, check out these other episodes:

Chris Bailey on Focus, Productivity, and Meditation (2018)

Tools to Find Focus and Accountability with Taylor Jacobson

By purchasing products and/or services from our sponsors, you are helping to support The One You Feed and we greatly appreciate it. Thank you!

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If you enjoy our podcast and find value in our content, please consider supporting the show. By joining our Patreon Community, you’ll receive exclusive content only available on Patreon!  Click here to learn more!!

Filed Under: Featured, Habits & Behavior Change, Podcast Episode

How to Manage Your Hunger Habit with Dr. Jud Brewer

April 2, 2024 Leave a Comment

In this episode, Dr. Jud Brewer discusses how to manage your hunger habit, primarily through updating reward values. He emphasizes the significance of mindfulness in navigating emotional eating and fostering behavioral change. Dr. Brewer offers several practical strategies and valuable perspectives for individuals seeking to address unhealthy eating habits or addictions.

In this episode, you will be able to:

  • Discover the power of updating reward values in habits for lasting behavior change
  • Uncover the neuroscience behind habit formation and how it influences our daily choices
  • Learn the art of mindful eating as a powerful tool for effective weight management
  • Overcome food addiction by cultivating awareness and taking control of your eating habits
  • Understand what it means to become disenchanted with unhealthy eating patterns
  • Explore effective strategies for updating reward values in habits to create positive change in your life.

Dr. Jud Brewer is a New York Times best-selling author and thought leader in the field of habit change and the “science of self-mastery.” He is the director of research and innovation at Brown University’s Mindfulness Center, where he also serves as an associate professor in Behavioral and Social Sciences at the School of Public Health and Psychiatry at the School of Medicine at Brown University. Additionally, he is the executive medical director of behavioral health at Sharecare, the digital health company helping people manage all their health in one place, and a research affiliate at Massachusetts Institute of Technology. His latest book is called The Hunger Habit:  Why We Eat When We’re Not Hungry and How to Stop

Connect with Dr. Jud Brewer: Website | Instagram | Facebook

If you enjoyed this conversation with Dr. Jud Brewer, check out these other episodes:

How to Work with the Craving Mind with Dr. Jud Brewer

How to Manage Emotional Eating with Julie Simon

By purchasing products and/or services from our sponsors, you are helping to support The One You Feed and we greatly appreciate it. Thank you!

patreon

If you enjoy our podcast and find value in our content, please consider supporting the show. By joining our Patreon Community, you’ll receive exclusive content only available on Patreon!  Click here to learn more!!

Filed Under: Featured, Habits & Behavior Change, Podcast Episode

How to Create Elastic Habits that Adapt to Your Day with Stephen Guise

January 5, 2024 Leave a Comment

Stephen Guise is a leading expert in habit formation, renowned for his practical and adaptable approach to building positive behaviors. As the author of “Mini Habits” and “Elastic Habits,” he has revolutionized the way we view and implement habits, emphasizing the power of flexibility and resilience. With a deep understanding of the complexities of behavior change and a knack for relatable storytelling, Stephen effortlessly combines practical strategies with real-life experiences, making his insights both actionable and enjoyable. His work is a testament to the idea that small changes can lead to remarkable transformations, and his expertise is invaluable for anyone seeking sustainable habit formation in the midst of a busy, ever-changing world.

In this episode, you will be able to:

  • Master the art of elastic habits for adaptable positive behaviors
  • Discover the power of flexibility in forming lasting habits
  • Learn to adjust habits based on motivation and changing circumstances
  • Unlock the importance of cues in developing strong habits
  • Learn how to track and evaluate your habit performance effectively

Stephen Guise is an international best-selling author, blogger, and entrepreneur.  His books have been translated into 17 languages, including his latest book, Elastic Habits:  How to Create Smarter Habits That Adapt to Your Day.

Connect with Stephen Guise: Website | Twitter | Facebook

If you enjoyed this conversation with Stephen Guise check out these other episodes:

Tiny Habits for Behavior Change with BJ Fogg

James Clear (Part 1)

James Clear (Part 2)

By purchasing products and/or services from our sponsors, you are helping to support The One You Feed and we greatly appreciate it. Thank you!

If you enjoy our podcast and find value in our content, please consider becoming a supporter of The One You Feed podcast! By joining, you’ll receive exclusive content only available on Patreon!  Visit our Patreon page to learn more!

Filed Under: Featured, Habits & Behavior Change, Podcast Episode

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