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Music as Medicine: How Rhythm and Melody Transform Wellness with Daniel Levitin

December 17, 2024 Leave a Comment

Music as Medicine
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In this episode, Daniel Levitin explores the concept of music as medicine and how rhythm and melody can transform wellness. Delving into the origins of music therapy, he uncovers its historical significance in ancient healing practices and its gradual resurgence in modern times. Daniel illustrates the connection between music and the human brain, emphasizing its ability to evoke deep emotional responses and aid in treating various neurological and psychological conditions.

Key Takeaways:

  • Discover the transformative power of music for emotional expression and stress relief
  • Explore the therapeutic potential of music for improving movement and coordination in individuals with movement disorders
  • Uncover the profound impact of music in bringing comfort and joy to individuals living with dementia
  • Learn how music can serve as a powerful tool for reducing and managing chronic pain
  • Delve into the role of music in enhancing memory retention and cognitive function

Connect with Daniel Levitin: Website | Instagram | Facebook

Daniel Levitin is a neuroscientist, cognitive psychologist, musician, and bestselling author. He is Founding Dean of Arts & Humanities at Minerva University in San Francisco, and James McGill Professor Emeritus of Psychology and Neuroscience at McGill University in Montreal. He is the author of five consecutive bestselling books: This is Your Brain on Music, The World in Six Songs, The Organized Mind, A Field Guide to Lies and Successful Aging. His newest book, I Heard There Was a Secret Chord: Music As Medicine, hit bestseller lists in its first week of release.

If you enjoyed this episode with Daniel Levitin, check out these other episodes:

The Journey of Life Through Song with Frank Turner

Finding Courage in Life’s Daily Struggles with Kelly Corrigan

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Episode Transcript:

00:00:30 – Chris Forbes
Thanks for joining us on this episode. We have a returning guest, Daniel Levitin. He’s founding dean of Minerva University in California. He’s also the James McGill Professor Emeritus of Psychology, Neuroscience and Music at McGill University, Montreal. He’s the author of many books, including this Is yous Brain on Music, the World in Six Songs, and a new book discussed here with Eric called I Heard There Was a Secret Music as Medicine.

00:01:55 – Eric Zimmer
Hi, Daniel. Welcome to the show.

00:01:56 – Daniel Levitin
Thanks for having me back, Eric.

00:01:58 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah, it’s a real pleasure to have you on. When I saw the title of your latest book, I was like, all right, we definitely have to talk. Your latest book is called I Heard There Was a Secret Music as Medicine. And so we’ll be getting into that in a second. But before we do, we’ll start like we always do with the parable. In the parable, there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild and they say, in life, there are two wolves inside of us that are all always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love. And the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops. And they think about it for a second. They look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

00:02:48 – Daniel Levitin
Well, you know, we were together a few Years ago, talking about my book about fake news. And when you asked me the parable, I went back and I looked at my answer from back then. It’s interesting because in a different context, I have different thoughts, which is, I think, as it should be. Back then I said, well, I found the parable a bit simplistic because I think it can be healthy to feed fear. There are things you should be afraid of, like crossing a freeway when there’s traffic coming in both directions. That’s a good thing to fear. And people who are fearless often end up dead and for no reason other than that they didn’t have even a modicum of self restraint. And at the time I also said that I thought that although hate is an ugly word, I think it’s important to be able to hate things that are wrong. To hate injustice, to hate inequality, to hate people who are haters. There was an old get smart routine. Mel Brooks and Buck Henry had written this TV show from the 60s. And Maxwell Smart, who’s our inept hero and secret agent, encounters a psychiatrist who started a group with the acronym HATE And I forget what the H A T E stand for, but effectively they are trying to stamp out hate groups. And the guy says, we hate, hate, hate it. So now, where I’m more in a musical, artistic headspace, we are in a more polarized time than we were five years ago or whenever it was you and I spoke. I do think that it’s important to see the glass half full. And so naturally I want to feed in my own life that part of my nature that embraces things like kindness, bravery in the face of challenges. Being able to stand up against injustice takes some bravery, especially now. And of course, love, I think those are unimpeachable goals. But you don’t want to love things that are bad. You don’t want to love murder and pillaging. So I still find it a simplistic parable, but a valuable one because, look, we’ve been talking about it for three minutes here. There’s a lot to unpack there. Yeah, I try to approach every day with kindness and with love. I try to reserve fear and hate for when they are called for. And greed I have no use for in my own life or anybody else’s life. I don’t want to feed that one.

00:05:42 – Eric Zimmer
Yep. Well, I’m impressed that you went back and listened to what you said before. That’s more than a lot of people do.

00:05:48 – Daniel Levitin
Well, that was the love. That was the love of.

00:05:51 – Eric Zimmer
That was the love.

00:05:52 – Daniel Levitin
Yeah, the love of Your show, the love of the ideas that you’re bringing.

00:05:55 – Eric Zimmer
And thank you. So let’s turn our attention to music. I wanted to start with a line that you said that really just caught my eye very early on. And you say art, science and medicine trade in doubt and in its remedy, improvisation. Talk to me about how improvisation is a remedy for doubt.

00:06:18 – Daniel Levitin
Yeah. When we doubt ourselves, we aren’t able to be our authentic selves. We aren’t able to speak freely, move freely. Doubt comes from self consciousness. A certain amount of doubt is sort of a good thing. You know, getting back to this crossing traffic. I mean, am I going to make it or not? Well, good to doubt yourself there if there’s a chance you get hit by a bus. But when it comes to art, doubt is the enemy of creativity. We’ve done brain studies on this. Most famously, my colleague Charles Lim found that when master improvisers or trying to come up with something new musically, they don’t engage a part of the brain that’s not normally engaged. You might think, oh, well, there’s this improvisation module in the brain, and improvisation is really hard and it requires a lot of resources. So they got to tap into that. No, no, sir. They had to shut down the little school marm in the brain, wagging the finger and saying, you’re no good. Who told you to play that note? That sounds terrible. Who do you think you are? So improvisation and creativity, I think, only flourish when we trust ourselves. Now, you can go back later with the power of editing and you can say, well, that idea wasn’t so great. I’m not going to keep that one. But in the moment, in the heat of the moment of generating ideas, whether it’s for music or a novel or a painting, for dance, just for a conversation you’re having with a friend or a new product, in any domain where you’re trying to be creative, just let the ideas flow and trust yourself to come back later and prune out the bad ones.

00:08:01 – Eric Zimmer
Yep. So let’s talk about healing and music. You said it’s a recent feature of Western society that we’ve separated healing in music and that they have traditionally gone together. Say a little bit more about that.

00:08:14 – Daniel Levitin
Well, from what we know, for tens of thousands of years, music was a staple in the healing arts. It was used for everything from treating injuries and wounds to depression and sleep disturbances. And you think of ancient drumming and drumming circles and shaman and faith healers, music was almost always a part of those indigenous people’s traditions, and then it kind of fell away. With the age of enlightenment and rationality, because we didn’t have an evidence base for it. And we’re just coming back around now in modern times. Starting In World War II, the Army sent music therapists into VA hospitals. And around the year 2000, my lab and others started doing brain imaging studies that showed what was going on in the brain when people listened to music or performed and used it not just for healing, but just for pleasure. And it was through that kind of biological inquiry and discovery that we were able to make the foundation of an evidence base. This is what’s happening. This is why it works. This is how it works, and it’s amenable to scientific inquiry.

00:09:24 – Eric Zimmer
One of the things that you mention in the book that you talk about that scientists like you believe is part of the benefit of music, is that it brings lots of different networks of the brain together at the same time. It’s not working only on, say, a section of the brain. It actually brings whole networks together.

00:09:48 – Daniel Levitin
Yeah, that’s really, you know, you’ve said it better than I do. I don’t actually have that phrase in the book, but I like that. I’m going to steal that. It does. So it binds together different processes and patterns of thought in the brain. And because of that, it can bring you to tears of joy or tears of sadness. It can have a great emotional impact, and it can be used to treat diseases and most notably movement disorders, Parkinson’s, multiple sclerosis, stuttering, which is a movement disorder also. I mean, we don’t think of stuttering as a movement disorder, but it is, because you have got to move your tongue and your lips and your jaw in order to speak fluently. And that’s what goes awry, the motor system, the movement system. And it’s what allows music to help treat things like intractable depression and post traumatic stress disorder, marshaling the cognitive, the emotional and the movement centers connecting these different regions, as you say.

00:10:48 – Eric Zimmer
You also mentioned that there are separate brain circuits for integrating and binding music together. What does that mean, integrating and binding?

00:10:59 – Daniel Levitin
Well, this is getting a bit down in the weeds, but if you’ll allow me a digression.

00:11:03 – Eric Zimmer
Sure.

00:11:04 – Daniel Levitin
This is long form radio, isn’t it?

00:11:07 – Eric Zimmer
It is.

00:11:07 – Daniel Levitin
I think it makes the most sense if we use an analogy, which of course your opening parable was, when you look out at the world around you, I’m looking at a computer and a monitor and a microphone, and I’ve got a painting on the wall and a lamp and a window and a tree outside the window. I’m taking in the world around me with my eyes. And so I’d invite the listeners to just take a moment and look at the world around you. Now, what are some features of what is being transmitted to you, assuming that you are sighted? Not all of us are sighted. For one thing, the world is out there. It’s not inside your head. Of course. It’s out there in the world. And the information that you have about it from a physics and biological standpoint is just a bunch of photons bouncing off of objects and impinging on your sensory receptor, your retina. And from that, your retina has to pull together these perceptions. Now, the retina is not a camera. It doesn’t see the way a camera does. And the photons are just individual packets of light. So you’ve got brain circuits that extract from that signal that hits the retina the different attributes of what you see. The color is processed in one area of the brain. Whether something’s moving or not is in another area of the brain. Movement centers of the visual system. And then we’ve got parts of the brain that process edges and shapes and shading and contrast. These are all different circuits. They evolved separately. And it all comes together later, where later in brain terms is like 40,000ths of a second, not very long. But you then get a perception of the world that’s out there component by component. I didn’t even mention depth. You’ve got depth perception that has to take the signal from the two eyes and integrate it. People who only have vision in one eye, or if you close one eye, you lose all depth perception. It’s binocular disparity that gives you depth. I went into this great analogy because I think it underscores how complicated perception is. It’s a constructive process. Your brain is constructing inside your head some representation of the outside world. We do the same thing, Eric, with sound. The only information you have about the auditory world comes from your eardrums wiggling in and out in response to molecules hitting them because they’re vibrating for some reason. So the loudness of an object or a sound is processed separately from its pitch or its duration. And special processing modules have to extract that information. And then the different pitches are pulled together into representation of melody and harmony and the different durations into rhythm and meter and tempo. And it all comes together about 40,000ths of a second later. And you hear either a cat meowing or you hear a symphony, or you hear a door creaking. And your brain has to assign those interpretations of the world and the other interesting thing is that for sound feels like it’s coming from inside your head for most of us, not like it’s outside, which is different than vision. It feels more intimate. Now, we’ve seen patients who have disruptions in these systems. There are people with various visual disorders who can see the color of an object, but not where it is. You put an apple in front of them and a banana, and let’s say, well, I see something red and I see something yellow, but I don’t know where they are, or vice versa. They see disembodied color, and they see that there’s a banana and apple, but they don’t know which is which color because there are red bananas and there are yellow apples. So, I mean, it’s very confusing for them. And we see people with auditory disorders where they can track the rhythm of something but not the melody. Of course, most of them become drummers. Just kidding.

00:15:14 – Eric Zimmer
A music joke.

00:15:17 – Daniel Levitin
Just kidding drummers. But, yeah, you see where this is going.

00:15:21 – Eric Zimmer
If you’re a drummer listening to this show, ignore Daniel and call me, because I’m in need of a good drummer.

00:15:26 – Daniel Levitin
So just.

00:15:27 – Eric Zimmer
It’s a public service announcement. The reason I wanted to go into those weeds is because of how miraculous that is, that it’s doing those things in multiple different parts of the brain, and then it’s bringing them all together almost instantaneously into what seems to be a unified whole thing. Now, as we listen to music, we can tweeze it apart. We can go the opposite direction, right? I can say, oh, let me pay attention to what’s happening rhythmically. Let me pay attention to what’s happening melody or harmony wise. So we can deconstruct. But that’s not how it appears to us initially.

00:16:08 – Daniel Levitin
And that’s exactly right. So we can will our attention. We can direct our attention and say, okay, I’m in the concert hall. I want to just listen to the oboes for a minute. And if you know what an oboe sounds like and the oboes are playing at that moment, you can do that. It might be harder, if you’re not experienced, to pick out the first violins from the second, but you can do that. And when you’re at an outdoor concert listening to Fish or the Grateful Dead, you can decide to ignore the planes flying overhead and the birds chirping. And, you know, we call this selective attention. You can direct your attention. And similarly, you can say, and we musicians do this. We’ll listen just to the chord progression or just to the lyrics or just to the Little filigrees, the vocalist putting in his or her performance.

00:16:59 – Eric Zimmer
And this also answers a long, famous koan. You answered a famous Zen koan in your book, which is, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? And the answer, you have informed us, is that no, it does not.

00:17:15 – Daniel Levitin
I suppose this is a rather pedantic point, but to me and to neurobiologists, sound is a mental construct. The physics of the world is that there are molecules being disturbed. That tree falls, and it’s going to displace molecules that will then be flying out from the source of the fall. And if they don’t hit an eardrum, all they are is a molecular disturbance. You can register them on a meter or an instrument of some sort. But like I say, it’s a pedantic, semantic, definitional point that sound is something that is heard and interpreted by some sort of organism. So, you know, look, if there’s a squirrel there that jumps out of the way, I would say the squirrel heard the sound. No squirrel, no bird, no human, no organism, no sound.

00:18:06 – Eric Zimmer
Right? And, you know, we could say it’s a pedantic point, but it also talks about something that I think is really important in general, which is the fact that what’s happening in here, in our brains, that seems so real, and it is on one hand, but on the other hand, it is constructed, right? It is constructed by the brain. We are going from moving molecules vibrating to what we hear as sound. And the brain is filling in that, you know, everything after that piece. And I think that’s fascinating to know. And it shines a light, I think, on how so many aspects of the brain work.

00:18:47 – Daniel Levitin
Perception is a constructive process. That is what we teach and it’s what we believe. The reality that you hold in your head, your mental model of the world, visual, auditory, smells, tastes, touch, they are constructed by your brain. And the reason it’s important to understand that is because I like the word you use. Filling in the information stream that we get is often degraded or incomplete. You’re blinking several times a minute, many times a minute. And so you’re missing some information. You’re not getting every piece of audio information. And so our brains are giant pattern detectors whose job is to fix, fill in missing information and make inferences. And we often make the wrong inference, which is why you might misunderstand a conversation. I don’t mean that you misunderstand the person’s intent. You hear a different word than they said, because part of it was obscured and you’re filling it in wrong. Or I think we’ve all had the experience. You’re reading something and you go by a word and by the end of the sentence, the sentence didn’t make sense. And so you go back and oh, I misread that word. What does that mean? It meant you blinked over it, your eyes were moving too fast and your brain filled in the wrong thing. And that happens all the time. It happens to us hundreds of times a day that your brain is filling in the wrong thing. Most of the time it’s inconsequential, so you don’t notice.

00:20:36 – Eric Zimmer
Lots of neuroscientists talk about our brains as prediction machines, that they are predicting what they are going to receive. And if the top down signal of what my brain predicts it’s going to get and the bottom up signal of what is actually being sent to me, if those match, everything’s fine and we just go on. Does that align with what you understand about neuroscience? And if so, how does that affect our experience of music?

00:21:07 – Daniel Levitin
Well, that’s actually the key to music. That’s why music works and it’s why humor works. This top down process, you refer to expectations. We’re making informed predictions about what’s going to happen next. We can’t help but do it. We evolve that way. I would say at above a certain level, I’m trying to think of the right term. Certainly all mammals need to be able to predict what’s going to happen next to avoid dangers and hazards, predators, humans need to do it. I don’t know how far down the phylogenetic tree it goes. Fish make predictions, birds make predictions to some extent, worms do. But that’s a product of having brains. Brains evolved in order to predict what will happen next. That’s one of their primary functions. And a secondary function, I would say equal, is to have some, some form of memory of what’s happened before to inform those predictions. Predictions are based on past patterns. I said at the outset, the brain is a pattern detector. Why? Well, it needs to know and understand patterns in order to predict the future, which is an adaptive thing. It allows you to get out of the way of something coming towards you or to know that this food isn’t going to poison you and to know that if you drink, you won’t be dehydrated to do all of that. I mean, drink water, not things like alcohol, which dehydrate. But the beauty of music within all of this is that whether you know it or not and whether you’re a Musician or not, your brain’s trying to figure out what’s going to come next in the music. And when those top down expectations are rewarded, when you’re correct, that helps you to follow along with the music and get more engaged and immersed in it. If every single one of your predictions were met, you’d find the piece boring. The piece has to surprise you to capture your attention. We only learn something when our expectations are violated and learning is exciting to us as a species. We are a learning species. And so when the composer and the performers of a piece can surprise you just enough of the time to hold your interest, that’s when the magic happens. Music can’t be all surprise or you have no foothold, you have no idea what’s going on. And I think of Schoenberg’s 12 Tone Music, which is effectively random sequences, at a certain point you have no idea what’s going on and it becomes unappealing. But then on the other extreme, you have things like baby shark da da da da da da, Baby shark da da da da. You know, just there’s no surprise there and it becomes annoying. Finding that perfect balance is tough and it’s not the same for everybody. But when composers hit it for you, as I say, that’s when the magic happens, right?

00:23:54 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah. I think that there’s certainly some element of some of us preferring more familiarity versus more surprise, depending on what you like to listen to.

00:24:03 – Daniel Levitin
The BBC has this show called Desert Island Discs. It’s been one of the longest running shows. I think it’s been going since the 40s really. It’s really extraordinary. And people come on, they say, oh well, you’re going to Desert island, you get to choose eight pieces of music. And my friend Dan Gilbert and I were talking about this. Dan Gilbert’s an immensely talented and fun psychologist who studies happiness. And he’s the happiest person I know. And he was saying everybody answers the question wrong on that show because what they do is. And they’ll have people on, they’ll have actors and statesmen and musicians and writers and you know, they’ll talk about pieces that were formative in their development or pieces that are their favorites. But if you think about it, if you’re stuck on a desert island disc for the rest of your life and you only have eight pieces, you’re going to rapidly grow tired of Bebopaloola or Maybelline by Chuck Berry.

00:25:00 – Eric Zimmer
Anarchy in the uk.

00:25:01 – Daniel Levitin
Yeah, you’re going to grow tired of it. What you really want is a piece that has Some complexity and some room to move in. You want Mahler’s ninth. Even if you don’t like Mahler’s ninth, you know, after a few years of listening to it, its secrets will become unlocked. Maybe you’ll never like it, but, you know, I think I would load it up with a couple of comfort food kinds of things, but then I’d want to put in some difficult stuff that would grow with me or that I would grow into.

00:25:32 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah, that’s a fascinating way of thinking about it. I’ve reflected on that also. Like, how would I balance wanting to hear stuff that I know I love but is simple enough to your point, that there wouldn’t be much to explore after a certain amount of time? All right, so now let’s talk in more detail about music and healing. And you talk in the book a fair amount about music therapy. And you say that music therapy falls into two broad. Passive or active. So first, share a little bit about that distinction, and then we’ll go into some of the specific applications of music for healing.

00:26:16 – Daniel Levitin
So passive is you listening to music and maybe not really attending to it. Like, you and I were talking earlier about how, as musicians, we might study a piece. We might come actively listening, but just, you know, passively listening. It’s on in the background, or you’re. You’re using it for meditation. Active music is music making. Being in a drum circle, writing a song, playing an instrument. Those are different. And another distinction I would make is music therapy versus music interventions. Music therapy is a kind of reserved term. It involves a certified music therapist, which is a specialty and a certification in most countries. Usually a dyadic relationship between a therapist and a patient or perhaps a therapist in a group, such as group therapy. But it involves a qualified professional helping you to achieve therapeutic goals either through music listening or music making.

00:27:13 – Eric Zimmer
Okay.

00:27:13 – Daniel Levitin
And then we have music interventions, which are like when you go to your dentist’s office and they put on music, you know, headphones while they’re drilling at you. You know, that’s not a music therapist. The music hasn’t been designed specifically for you. They’re just guessing what will relax you. My dentist puts on music that makes me stabby, and so I have to bring my own music.

00:27:35 – Eric Zimmer
Okay, thank you for making that distinction. Let’s talk about music therapy for now, which is where a therapist is trying to bring about some sort of clinical result by using music with their patients. And there’s a few different areas. You alluded to movement disorders before. Share a little bit about what some of the Common movement disorders that music can help with. And how do we think it’s helping, or in what ways is it helping?

00:28:06 – Daniel Levitin
I think one of the easiest cases to wrap our heads around is Parkinson’s. When it reaches the point where individuals with Parkinson’s can no longer walk continuously and smoothly. So what’s happening there is that the disease degrades those circuits in the brain that are responsible for maintaining gait. G a I t gait. And, you know, we’re bipedal, we’re inherently unstable. You’ve got to coordinate putting one foot in front of the other. You have to put it down when the other foot is up. You can’t have both feet up at the same time. It seems rather obvious, but, you know, infants can’t do it. You have to learn. And when those circuits become degraded, Parkinson’s individuals might freeze and be unable to start walking. Or once they start, they may freeze and be unable to continue. And if you play music for them that has a tempo that’s approximately at their gate, after a few seconds, supplementary circuits in the brain that are not damaged begin to synchronize with that tempo. Neurons fire in synchrony with it, and they act as an external timekeeper that allows the Parkinson’s patient to move and walk without a walker and without assistance. And therapy that employs that technique can allow, over time, for somebody with Parkinson’s to just think about music and not actually have to hear it and then be able to walk. And that’s a game changer. We take mobility for granted, those of us who can move. And if you’ve ever broken your leg in a ski accident or something, I mean, you realize, oh, mobility is pretty great, and when you lose it, it leads to a lot of quality of life complications. And so music and Parkinson’s is a big deal.

00:30:03 – Eric Zimmer
Does this just work in certain cases? Like, are there any variables about who this works for and who it doesn’t?

00:30:10 – Daniel Levitin
Well, it doesn’t work for everybody with Parkinson’s, but it does work for most people that we’ve seen. It wouldn’t work if you were hearing impaired, obviously, Although it might work if we could put a vibrotactile vest on you that gave you the beat. That hasn’t been explored, but it’s worth exploring. It seems to work also for movement disorders that are non Parkinson’s related, like for multiple sclerosis and other central nervous system problems.

00:30:39 – Eric Zimmer
And the principle is the same, that you’re using the rhythm of music to bring in other brain circuits that are not the compromised ones.

00:30:50 – Daniel Levitin
Exactly.

00:30:50 – Eric Zimmer
By you’re sort of going around those and saying, hey, okay, so now the next one is fascinating to me, partially because I lost a father about a year and a half ago and my partner’s mother passed about two years ago, both of them from dementia. So some of this research and how music is helping dementia and Alzheimer’s patients is really fascinating. Tell us about some of it.

00:31:16 – Daniel Levitin
So there’s two parts to the story. One is, I think the more well known case. People with advanced memory impairment may no longer recognize their loved ones. Sometimes they don’t even recognize themselves in a mirror. And they’ll start trying to have a conversation with the mirror image. They don’t recognize where they are. And this can of course, lead to profound disorientation. And with that comes typically one of two responses. Patients either become very violent and angry because nothing makes sense, then they need to be sedated, or they fold in on themselves and become somewhat catatonic. The world is not making sense and they don’t know who they are. And it’s just very disturbing for them and for anybody who cares about them. But memory works on a first in, last out basis. In other words, that’s a term from computer science, but from the old days when we would load up tapes and hard drives with data. But the idea is that the memories that are formed earliest in life are the last ones to go. They’re more resilient to decay and disease and injury. And so if we play dementia patients music from their youth, typically from say, the ages of 10 to 16, they recognize it, they can sing along, and it allows them to reconnect with a piece of themselves they had lost. And the effects can last for weeks, just playing them that music of their youth, and it leads to great improvement in quality of life. They can engage again in conversation, often mood change. And that’s a very powerful demonstration of music’s effect. I alluded to two parts to the story of dementia. The other is that and if you play a musical instrument or sing, if you’re a musician, even an amateur musician, that ability is often resistant to the disease. And we’ve seen lots of now with on Instagram and YouTube, there are a lot of cases of elderly individuals who don’t know what’s going on, but they can still play pieces on the piano they learned when they were 20 or that they learned recently. It’s never too late to learn an instrument. 60, 70, 80 year olds can learn an instrument and it’s neuroprotective to do so. And it doesn’t mean that you won’t get Alzheimer’s, but it means you’ll still have a way of connecting with the world if you do.

00:33:46 – Eric Zimmer
Right. You mention performers like Glen Campbell and Tony Bennett who were still able to perform with Alzheimer’s because the music part of their brain appeared to be to some degree unaffected.

00:34:00 – Daniel Levitin
That’s exactly right. Yeah. These are very well practiced circuits. And the other aspect of music is that it carries along with it the seeds of its own instructions and its own structure. So once you get started in a song, songs tend to be repetitive in some way, so it kind of carries you along.

00:34:25 – Eric Zimmer
Elsewhere in the book, you talk about how remarkable our memory for music is, and it really is striking. Like, I do not have a good memory in general, a particularly episodic memory of things that happened, you know, at different points in my life. But put on a song that I listened to when I was 8 and I know every word, I know everything. And you even point out like even non musicians will pick up very sensitive differences like that something’s just a little bit off. You know, it’s amazing that somehow memory encodes itself, at least for. It seems like for a lot of us, in a far stickier way, music.

00:35:09 – Daniel Levitin
Is sticky because in cognitive science terms, it’s a highly structured stimulus. By structured, I mean it’s organized. It’s organized in multiple ways that allow you to fill in missing pieces if you forget them. So we’ve all learned to count. And so If I go 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, hmm, 9, 10, you know which number I left out? Because it’s so over learned, it just seems silly to you that you wouldn’t know that 8 is the number I left out. Music, you know, there’s only 12 notes. We’ve learned the scale. Ba da da da da da da da. It’s the only thing that could. Yeah, we know that. And we know that if a melody is going ba da da da da da da da da da da da, you know, we know there’s a pattern there. Even if we’re not musicians, we recognize that it’s structured. The melody, the rhythm, the choices of notes and durations are all very highly stereotypical. So our memory is keeping track not just of the particular memory, but of the schema that is the overall pattern of things. And that makes it resistant to decay and loss.

00:36:23 – Eric Zimmer
That’s really interesting that it is, because it is so structured. Do you think any of it also has to do with the fact that it is bringing multiple networks of the brain together? That you’ve got rhythm in one area, pitch in another area.

00:36:37 – Daniel Levitin
Yeah, I think it’s that. And so the way memory works is it’s really not stored in any one place. It’s stored in a distributed network. We don’t know this for sure, but when we have patients on the operating table for brain surgery, they’re typically awake during brain surgery. And the reason is that if something needs to be repaired, the surgeon wants to be careful not to cut something or cauterize something. That’s an essential function. And so they’ll be applying a small electrical charge to different areas of the brain and see what happens. This is typical with epilepsy, where they have to cut out a focal point and they don’t want to remove your speech center or music center. And we’ve seen that if you apply a small electrical current to part of the temporal lobe, somebody will say, oh, well, that’s a song.

00:37:28 – Eric Zimmer
That’s fascinating.

00:37:29 – Daniel Levitin
In reality, the song is not there. That’s just the entry point to a node. It’s like saying, if I turn on the switch to the light in my room, the light isn’t where the switch is. The light’s in the ceiling, or it’s a floor lamp or something. But that just happened. That’s where I complete the circuit. But in reality, in the brain, it’s probably the case that the rhythm’s in one place and the pitch is in another, and the vocal timbre is in another, and the lyrics are in another. But that’s the nexus point. And we know this because we’ve seen patients who can lose lyrics and retain all the rest after a stroke or some other brain damage, or they lose their perception of rhythm, but they maintain their perception of melody and so on.

00:38:32 – Eric Zimmer
Another area that you write about in the book is music and helping with chronic pain. What are we learning there?

00:38:39 – Daniel Levitin
So, some years ago, my lab showed that when you listen to music you like, and of course, that’s subjective, but music you like, your brain produces its own opioids, endogenous opioids. And Francis Collins was just on the Colbert show, well, the Late show with Stephen Colbert, talking about this study. Francis in the White House Science Office, he’s been a big promoter of music and medicine, using that platform and his former platform as the director of the NIH National Institutes of Health, the world’s largest biomedical research organization. So this music and medicine that you and I are talking about is becoming more, I’d say, accepted within the government, which means it’s becoming more accepted by healthcare providers. And the idea that your brain can produce opioids in response to music is part of why it can help with chronic pain. The opioids that we take, you know, Oxycontin or Codeine and things like that, heroin, they’re addictive. And the amount of opioids that your brain produces in response to music are not as high as pharmaceutical levels, but probably high enough that you might be able to get by with music in an Advil rather than music and a highly addictive substance.

00:39:56 – Eric Zimmer
Now, is that the sort of thing where with people who are seeing really good results with that, that there is some sort of therapy that is going on there? Or I’m assuming that maybe it is, maybe it’s not as simple as putting on a song you like. Is there something more to music therapy for chronic PA that therapists are doing well?

00:40:16 – Daniel Levitin
So that’s a sticky question. We can have self medication with music, and most of us know what kind of music will soothe us. I think part of the difficulty though, this idea of a desert island disc that you might get tired of, you know, maybe your go to music for pain relief is no longer working for you. And that’s where a music therapist comes in. They can help you discover music that might serve the same functional therapeutic purpose. You know, that’s not music that you’re tired of.

00:40:43 – Eric Zimmer
We talked earlier about two types of music therapy. There’s listening to music, there’s making music. When we talked about memory and dementia, we talked about how people are able to continue to make music. Do we see with chronic pain any applications of making music, or has it largely been studied in the context of passively hearing music?

00:41:04 – Daniel Levitin
There are more studies on music listening because it’s easier to do, but there are some emerging studies on making music and pain relief. And yeah, I think the effects are even more powerful when you’re making music. I mean, provided that the pain isn’t in your fingers or something and you need your fingers to play. But even in that case, it seems as though the pain goes away while you’re playing.

00:41:26 – Eric Zimmer
So if we want to maybe tie up this music therapy part of the conversation for someone, how widespread is music therapy as something that people can find therapists to do? Most people in a major city could find musical therapists, you know, where health insurance companies with all this, like, how does this translate from what you’re seeing in the science to individuals who are trying to perhaps get help with any of these conditions?

00:41:56 – Daniel Levitin
We’ve Talked about the AMTA, the AmErican Music Therapy Association, MusicTherapy.org has a website. You can find certified music therapists there. Increasingly, in the coming years, I think we’ll find that music therapy is available in clinics and hospitals. But I would start there, the mta. And there are, you know, if you’re in a city like Miami or Boston or Los Angeles or cities where there are music therapy, university programs, there are students who are going to be doing internships. But yeah, I’d start with musictherapy.org great. There are thousands of music therapists, and some of them will do remote sessions.

00:42:38 – Eric Zimmer
Another thing changing direction slightly, but staying with music. You say that many people list unwanted music in public spaces as the chief annoyance of modern life, and that the EPA has amended the Clean Air act to include unwanted music under noise pollution. Does that mean I can do a citizen’s arrest on somebody who’s playing music too loud on the subway? Does that give me the authority to do that?

00:43:03 – Daniel Levitin
I suppose. But, you know, getting back to the wolf, I would be fearful.

00:43:07 – Eric Zimmer
Yes, yes.

00:43:08 – Daniel Levitin
I mean, if they’re playing a tuba, they might hit you over the head with it.

00:43:11 – Eric Zimmer
Yes. It is amazing how frustrating sound everywhere sometimes can be on that point. Yeah.

00:43:19 – Daniel Levitin
I think the thing we find most annoying is the loud subwoofing sounds from a car where somebody’s playing typically hip hop, although not always that, but it’s the subwoofer that you can actually see the car bouncing up and down because the bass is so loud. And the annoying thing about bass from an acoustics perspective is that the bass signals travel much farther than the high frequencies. Low frequency waves are themselves many feet long. And so those traveling waves can travel greater distances, which is why whales who have very low voices, as it were sounds, can make their cries and their whale song heard for over a thousand miles. That low pitch can travel and evolutionarily allowed low pitch. You know, from an ancestral standpoint, it would usually signify an avalanche or a herd of elephants coming towards you. And so it’s meant to evoke fear from an evolutionary standpoint. I don’t think the person in my neighborhood playing music is necessarily trying to evoke fear, although maybe, but that’s why we don’t like it.

00:44:32 – Eric Zimmer
Interesting. I did not know either of those facts that the base waves, the lower frequency waves, travel further. But it makes sense given that they’re.

00:44:41 – Daniel Levitin
Bigger and they’re non directional, which is why if you have a subwoofer in your home, you can put it anywhere in the room and it’ll have the same effect. Whereas the speakers, I mean, if you’re an Audiophile, you want to make a triangle, an equilateral triangle where the speakers are as far apart from each other as you are from them. That’s where you get the optimal sound and the optimal stereo field, and it allows the orchestra or the band to sound natural. Subwoofer doesn’t matter because the bass, being a long waveform, is non directional.

00:45:12 – Eric Zimmer
Well, another fact I didn’t know, but it makes sense because I see subwoofers positioned in a far more random pattern than I see speakers. Yeah. Okay, we’re going to close on this. You talk about the minor third in speech as well as music.

00:45:28 – Daniel Levitin
Yeah, yeah.

00:45:31 – Eric Zimmer
There’s an example of a falling minor third being derisive. Correct?

00:45:37 – Daniel Levitin
Yeah, yeah.

00:45:38 – Eric Zimmer
Or yeah, yeah, which means I’m agreeing. What happens if I do an ascending minor third?

00:45:46 – Daniel Levitin
Try one.

00:45:47 – Eric Zimmer
So does music help us to live better lives?

00:45:52 – Daniel Levitin
Yeah. It’s a question, isn’t it? Yeah, yeah. But it’s interesting. A cultural universal seems to be the descending minor third, as the teasing or the derisive or the sarcastic. And we don’t know why that is. It just seems to be the case. Nyan nya nya nya nin yan ya is a cultural universal. You hear it from kids in every culture we know of. So it’s just a funny thing. I don’t know why that is. I don’t think anybody does.

00:46:20 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah, it’s fascinating that when we hear it, we know what it means.

00:46:24 – Daniel Levitin
Yeah, exactly. And prosody is the term linguists use to refer to the melody of a language. And in every other respect, language is different greatly on prosodic meaning. So in English, if we want to make a statement, we usually have the pitch of the sentence fall down towards the end, like I just did there. And if we want to ask a question, as you did, we would have the pitch go up. So is this a question? Is this a rhetorical question? You know, the pitch goes up, which is why for a certain generation of people younger than you and I use so called up speak, they sound unsure of themselves. It sounds as though they’re questioning rather than stating. And I fight this all the time with my students. They’ll come in undergraduates, typically, although I’ve seen it in colleagues now, because it’s a generational thing, they’ll say, I’m not exaggerating. So I did this experiment and we had these variables and I played music for people, and it sounds like they’re asking me a question with each of them, it undermines their authority. And I don’t know where that comes from. Other than that, I think they were raised to be non confrontational. And asking a question sounds non confrontational. Are we going to the movies? You want to have dinner at the Thai place? You know, that’s not asserting yourself, you know, let’s have dinner at the Thai place. Well, I don’t want to eat Thai. I do. Do I want to eat Thai? You know, it’s just. But you know, there are certain things that need to be factual and need to be asserted. And the up speak kind of confuses all of that for me and my generation.

00:48:12 – Eric Zimmer
Yes, yes, I agree. It is curious to wonder why that becomes as pervasive as it does. I guess it’s just speech tics that we all have. I have about 100 of them. As my editor Chris would tell you. He just manages to get most of them out of the interviews.

00:48:28 – Daniel Levitin
Yeah, we all do. But getting back to the point I meant to make, but I digressed there, is that different cultures use prosody in different ways. And so one of the reasons why it’s hard for us to learn a foreign language isn’t simply learning the vocabulary, but learning the melodic intonation of that language in a way that is authentic to the language and the way other speakers of it use it. That can be TRS difficile en very difficult in French and even more difficult in Chinese or Thai.

00:48:58 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah. As I mentioned earlier to you before, we start, I’m in Portugal as we record this. And yes, Portuguese is. It’s challenging the rhythms and the speech.

00:49:08 – Daniel Levitin
You can get the words out, but you’re going to sound like a foreigner and you might be misunderstood even though you got the words right because the rhythm and the melody were off.

00:49:17 – Eric Zimmer
Yep. So we are about out of time here. Two things I’d like you to leave us with. One thought about music and healing that we haven’t talked about that might be interesting to someone or helpful. And then also share a little bit about your audiobook because it has some special things that you would expect in a book about music.

00:49:36 – Daniel Levitin
Well, I don’t think you missed anything, but I appreciate that you are a good researcher. One thing that I would just like to emphasize is that playing an instrument is really neuroprotective and healthful, and it doesn’t matter whether you’re good at it or not. It disappoints me always to hear people say, oh, well, I can’t sing or I can’t play a musical instrument. I mean, it’s funny, I grew up where there Were pickup basketball games every afternoon in my neighborhood and I never heard a kid say, oh well, I’m no Wilt Chamberlain, so I’m not going to play with you guys. You play basketball because it’s fun and it doesn’t matter whether you’re good or not. I mean, it’s fun. And I’ve never heard anybody say at a dinner party, I’m no Martin Luther King, I’m no Edward R. Murrow. So I’m not going to talk. I’m not an orator, you know, but we say it about music. I’m no Ella Fitzgerald, I’m not going to sing. I’m no Keith Jarrett. So I’m not going to even touch the piano. It’s really sad to me. Music’s not a competition.

00:50:45 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah. I mean, I do not come by a lot of talent musically by nature. I have just persevered over the years and it’s one of the things that I am most grateful to my younger self for having done. Because it is such a gift to be able to play even at whatever level I’m able to play. I’m so glad I know how to do it.

00:51:06 – Daniel Levitin
Yeah. And truly great musicians often don’t care whether you’re good or not. They will play with you because it’s not about what you’re capable of. My friend Victor Wooten makes a really nice analogy and I know that you like analogies because parables are analogies indeed. If you go to a friend’s house for dinner and they’ve got an eight year old, are you going to talk to the eight year old? Of course you are. You’re going to modify what you talk about. You may or may not talk about the war in Ukraine with them or if you do, you know, you’re going to modify to talk at their level and you’re going to try not to be condescending or, you know, insulting, but you’ll try to adjust what you say and musicians do the same. Musicians will play with you and adjust what they do so as not to make you look bad. You’re not going to talk to that 8 year old and try to make them look like an idiot. And a competent, big hearted musician, even a pro, is going to not try and make you look bad. They’re going to try to work with you with what you bring.

00:52:08 – Eric Zimmer
Yep. I’ve been fortunate to be around a bunch of very good, very kind hearted musicians that you’ve described who played with me from the very beginning and it’s part of why I stuck with It.

00:52:19 – Daniel Levitin
And it lifts you up. It lifts you up, right?

00:52:21 – Eric Zimmer
Yes, 100%.

00:52:23 – Daniel Levitin
Yeah. I’ve been a great beneficiary of that.

00:52:25 – Eric Zimmer
Okay.

00:52:25 – Daniel Levitin
Your book, I read the audiobook. I include some musical examples there that I play on the piano or the guitar. And then whether you have the audiobook or the ebook or the physical print book, there’s a playlist that I created, actually a series of playlists on all the major streaming services. So the idea is that there’s a QR code on the back of the book. Maybe you’ll include one on your website and it will take you to all 275 songs in the book in the versions mentioned and you can listen to them as you follow along.

00:53:01 – Eric Zimmer
There’s that many of them in the book. I mean, I read the book and there were a lot of songs, but I had no idea there were that many. That is a lot.

00:53:08 – Daniel Levitin
Well, some of them are just a mention. They’re not discussed. But you know, when I opened the book describing a concert, a performance of art, Blakey and the Jazz Messengers and you know, they were playing in Walked Bud and so I mentioned that they were playing it. I don’t really dissect dissect it, but you know, if you want to know what in Walk Bud sounds like, there it is.

00:53:29 – Eric Zimmer
Wonderful. Well, we will put links in the show, notes to your work and where people, people can get the book. And Daniel, thanks so much for coming on again. I’ve really enjoyed the conversation. It’s great to see you again.

00:53:40 – Daniel Levitin
Great to see you. Thank you for having me.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

Embracing Imperfection: The Path to True Self Acceptance with La Sarmiento

December 13, 2024 Leave a Comment

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In this episode, La Sarmiento explores what it means to embrace imperfection to discover the path to true self-acceptance. La shares their journey of discovering and embracing identity, belonging, and the challenges of living authentically in a world that often demands conformity.

Key Takeaways:

  • Learning to feed our “good wolf” through conscious effort and daily choices
  • Balancing the absolute truth of oneness with the relative truth of societal inequalities
  • The role of identity in spiritual practice and the complexities of the “no-self” teaching
  • Creating inclusive spaces in spiritual communities and the challenges of true integration
  • The transformative power of unconditional love through relationships, including animals

Connect with La Sarmiento Website | Facebook | LinkedIn

La Sarmiento is a retreat teacher and the Guiding Teacher of the Insight Meditation Community of Washington’s BIPOC and LGBTQIA+ Sanghas for 16 years, is a mentor for the Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certification Program, a teacher with Cloud Sangha, and a contributor to the Ten Percent Happier app. La was the lead teacher for the Inward Bound Mindfulness Education Virginia Teen Mindfulness Retreats for 7 years. They completed the Spirit Rock Community Dharma Leader Training in 2012 and have taught meditation retreats around the United States. As an immigrant, non-binary, Filipinx-American, La is committed to sharing teachings and practices that alleviate suffering, cultivate true happiness, and support the liberation of all beings, especially through song and laughter.

If you enjoyed this episode with La Sarmiento, check out these other episodes:

How to Build a Home for Your Soul with Najwa Zebian

Parenting a Transgender Child with Paria Hassouri

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Episode Transcript:

Our guest on this episode is La Sarmiento, a practitioner of Vipassana meditation since 1998. They are the guiding teacher of the Insight Meditation Community of Washington’s bipoc and LGBTQIA Sanghas, a mentor for the Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certification Program and Cloud Sangha, a contributor to the 10% Happier app and a graduate of Spirit Rock’s Community Dharma Leader training program.

[00:02:44 – 00:02:45]
Hi LA, welcome to the show.

[00:02:45 – 00:02:48]
Hi Eric. Nice to be here. Thank you for inviting me.

[00:02:48 – 00:03:29]
Yeah, I am really happy to have you on and I look forward to this conversation. Let’s start like we always do with the parable. In the parable, there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild and they say in life, there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love. And the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops and thinks about it for a second, looks up at their grandparent and says, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

[00:03:29 – 00:06:47]
Thank you, Eric. Yeah, it’s a very powerful parable. You know, and it’s interesting because when I was reflecting on it, I wasn’t really thinking of it as a good wolf or a bad wolf. For me, it was a younger wolf and an older wolf. And the younger wolf in me was one who, at a very early age, recognized that my gender identity, my sexual orientation, the race ethnicity of my being was not one that was acceptable in this country. My parents immigrated from the Philippines, and I came over when I was 10 months old. And with that recognition of those social identities, I internalized a lot of external messages that I wasn’t okay, that there was something wrong with me, that, you know, wasn’t worthy of existence. You know, that I could be beaten or killed for who I was. And so I really felt strongly that I needed to find a way to fit in. I needed to find a way of being acceptable. My strategy was to assimilate, you know, into dominant culture and so really forsaking a lot of who I was. And it wasn’t until I actually started practicing and studying the Dharma that I understood that, you know, that wasn’t who I was. You know, like, I was actually okay. You know, if you believe in sort of the Buddhist concept of Buddha nature, that my innate goodness, wisdom, and compassion is inherent in me and is inherent in every being on the planet. And the more I was able to begin trusting and having faith and believing in that, I began to dismantle all those old messages that kept telling me I wasn’t enough or I needed to prove myself constantly, or I needed to do more in order to be acceptable or feel a sense of belonging in the larger culture. And so both those wolves still live in me. And, you know, it’s like moments like this when I’m asked to be in an interview with a little one in me is like, no, we can’t. We can’t share who we are. Like, they’re not going to like us if we’re authentically who we are. And then the older part of me is basically what I’ve been teaching, you know, in the way I offer the dharma in terms of self acceptance, self love, self compassion, that we all are deserving of love, respect, dignity. And, you know, the more I allow externals to determine my worth, I’m going to suffer. The more that I recognize that I’m already good inside in what anyone else thinks of me or how society or culture thinks of me. That’s really none of my business, you know, ultimately. So it really is making that distinction and beginning to just really believe that I’m okay, everybody is okay. We just have these constructs that have been created to dominate, you know, over certain kinds of people, whether it be race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, abilities, class, etc. So the wolf that I choose to cultivate is my older one, you know, that has this clarity, that has this willingness to just cultivate continued acceptance of myself so that I can continue to accept others for who they are. We may disagree in terms of beliefs and things, but I always remember that we’re all human beings and we all deserve compassion and love and respect, even if our, you know, beliefs differ from each other.

[00:06:47 – 00:07:13]
Yep. Kind of jumping way ahead in your story to that point about what you just said there. Even if our beliefs are different, we can see the beauty in one another. In one of your Dharma talks, you tell a really beautiful story about a woman named Mary from Texas who’s a Trump supporter at a Dharma talk that you went to. Can you share a little bit about that? Just something you said there sort of just brought that to mind for me and I thought it might be a lovely story to hear.

[00:07:13 – 00:08:11]
Sure. So you’re referring to a day long retreat that I did at the Dharma Ranch outside of Austin, Texas. And Mary happened to be neighbors with the folks that owned the retreat center. And she was just really curious about meditation and mindfulness. She’s always, you know, wanting to grow and learn. And, you know, she identified as a Republican. And so I didn’t really know this when we were, you know, in the retreat, but she was very engaged. She was very open and had just very lovely things to say, you know, after the retreat was over. And I just really appreciated her willingness just to explore something that she thought would be beneficial. And so to me, what’s going to bridge our differences is just a willingness to want to understand each other, to be in relationship to one another, so that we can just get what informs what we believe. And as long as we are able to do that in A way that’s respectful and kind and generous. I think those bridges are possible.

[00:08:12 – 00:08:44]
Yeah. You talk about how she wrote you a really lovely note afterwards saying, like, thank you for sharing about why, you know, gender pronouns are important to you. And, you know, just a really beautiful sort of coming together. And what I love about that story is it shows an openness from both of you. Right. That sort of connection doesn’t happen if you’re not both open because you do see the world very differently. Some of the things she believes in, you would find, like, no way. Right. And vice versa. And yet you are able to have a human connection across that.

[00:08:44 – 00:09:27]
Yes, exactly. Exactly. And that’s what to me is so important in terms of having discussions. Whether it be around race or sexual orientation or gender identity is really relationship. You know, when we’re in relationship with each other, when we build trust, respect, love, even with each other, then we can hang in there together, you know, and be a bit more, if not accepting, tolerant, to listen to what each other’s opinions and beliefs are. And when we can discuss that and share what the impact is of these beliefs and opinions, you know, we can probably get somewhere than just beating each other over the head with our signs, you know, at protest or et cetera. So.

[00:09:27 – 00:09:32]
So can I ask you some questions about your gender identity and how that sort of unfolded for you?

[00:09:32 – 00:09:33]
Yeah, please.

[00:09:33 – 00:10:03]
So you talk about at a very early age, like you mentioned, you recognized your race wasn’t right. You recognized pretty early on that you were attracted to little girls, not little boys. When did you start to recognize that your gender didn’t feel right and there weren’t really words for it in the same way then that there are now? So I’m kind of curious, how did that feel inside or how did you even think about it inside maybe before you had the words to know what it was.

[00:10:03 – 00:11:59]
Right, exactly. So I love dressing. Like I hated dresses. Every picture of me in a dress growing up, I’m crying, you know, it was really like painful. So I loved wearing pants. I loved wearing boys clothes. Basically just. I just felt more like myself when I dressed that way than if I were in a dress. And then I played with a lot of boys toys, you know, I didn’t play with dolls or dollhouses or Barbies or, you know, anything that would be gendered as female. I played with guns. I loved rough housing and, you know, wrestling with other kids. I loved riding my bike and, you know, just a lot more that would be gendered as male in terms of play behavior. Yeah, I Mean, it was really clear, you know. And then when I became an adolescent and I started to enter puberty and develop, I was like, oh, no. Like, this just doesn’t feel right to me. And even, you know, in terms of my sexual desires and who was attracted to, you know, it was not as a heterosexual person. It was definitely as a queer person. And so, you know, there was just all these different things pointing in the direction of more masculine identified. And I thought as a young child that, oh, I need to become a man when I grow up so that I can live my life the way I want to. There was no option of being non binary or gender conforming. You know, back in the 70s and 80s, that, you know, language only sort of came up in the 90s, etc. And so I just kind of sat with it. You know, I didn’t like being identified as a lesbian because I didn’t feel like I don’t really feel like a woman. So, you know, being attracted to women as a woman didn’t fit for me. So I’ve always felt like I’ve been on the outside of a lot of the, you know, sort of, whether it be a binary gay or lesbian or male or female, you know, it was just like I was not one or the other. I was kind of a combination, you know, of it all.

[00:12:00 – 00:12:10]
Now, you came out to your parents at, I think you said 38 mm, that coming out was coming out as a lesbian, not as a transgender person. Is that correct?

[00:12:10 – 00:12:12]
Right. Because it came out as gay to them. Yeah.

[00:12:12 – 00:12:19]
Yeah, tell us about that. There’s a lot of beauty and humor kind of in that story of finally coming out to your parents.

[00:12:19 – 00:13:53]
Yeah, so just about up a little bit. You know, I grew up in a very conservative household. My parents were staunch Republicans, Bush loving, Fox News watching folks. And, you know, it was just not the atmosphere that I felt safe enough to come out to them, you know, as a gay person, more or less a transgender person. So I feel like they were the last people that I came out to. And so I decided that, you know, I would just wait and just kind of see how it would unfold. But I came out to the rest of the world when I was 21, and I went to this huge potential workshops called the Landmark Forum. And in the forum, you know, they really challenge you to do things that are holding you back in your life, you know. And so for me, it was coming out to my parents. And so I decided, okay, I will come out to them. So I called my mom one day and I said, mom, I want to come over. I have something really important to tell you. And she said, okay, you know, come on over. And so I came over for lunch and my parents always had the TV on. And so I said, you know, can we turn Bonanza off for a second? And they’re like, oh my gosh, this is really serious. We’re turning the TV off. And so I said, you know, I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a really long time, and that’s that I’m gay. And I start getting really emotional. I’m crying, and my mother says, you know, there’s no need for you to cry. You know, we’ve been waiting for you to say something for the last 18 years. And I was just dumbfounded. I was like, oh my gosh, you know, like they gave me no clue. Although if you know me and you see me, it’s like, it’s so obvious, you know, it was my own denial of that.

[00:13:53 – 00:13:53]
Right.

[00:13:54 – 00:14:19]
And they’re like, you know, you’re our child and we love you no matter what, you know, and so I felt sad. I grieved the fact that I lost 18 years of a relationship, a real relationship, with my parents, but better late than never. And so, you know, we continued. They paid for my partner and my’s wedding. You know, they totally supported us. They embraced my life partner. And yeah, it’s been really sweet since then.

[00:14:19 – 00:14:52]
And they came out with three pieces of advice for you, two of which I sort of understand, you know, you need to get your finances in order. Okay, Self defense class. All right, but the last one you say your dad pipes up, he hasn’t said anything all along. And he says you have to change all the appliances in your kitchen. Can you elaborate on what the thinking was there where your appliance is not appropriate for a recently come out person? Was this something that he’d been meaning to get off his chest for a while?

[00:14:53 – 00:15:25]
Yeah, I think he was just trying to connect somehow and he just couldn’t get anything. He was already probably overwhelmed by the whole process that we were actually, you know, connecting emotionally. And so, yeah, my father’s a real like acts of service kind of guy in his love language. And so it’s all, all about the practical, you know, And I lived in my apartment for a while and the appliances actually needed to get replaced. And actually that’s the first thing we did. The next thing I did was, you know, get my finances in order. And then years, years later, I took a self defense class. So the list is Complete.

[00:15:25 – 00:15:27]
And the list is complete.

[00:15:27 – 00:15:28]
Yeah.

[00:15:29 – 00:16:22]
So I want to talk a little bit about this feeling like you fitting in and not fitting in and belonging and not belonging, because I think this is a universal experience, and certainly when you don’t fit into the dominant culture, it’s even more of an experience. Or another way to say that would be someone like me, a straight white man, can still feel like I don’t belong in lots of ways, but I don’t have the cultural sense of not belonging. And I thought you really brought this together in a beautiful way because you talked about going to a retreat. I think it was your first retreat at Spirit Rock. That was LGBTQ retreat, right. And you get there and you think, all right, I’m going to be with my people. But you talk about how profoundly still you felt like you didn’t belong. Can you say a little bit more about that? Because I think there’s a lot of power in that story.

[00:16:22 – 00:19:00]
Yeah. Thank you, Eric. It was, I mean, I think the conditioning in me to have that sense of not belonging anywhere even translated, you know, into, like, a community that I was actually a part of. And I noticed for the first three days on that retreat that I kept comparing myself to others, you know, and this retreat was at Spirit Rock out in California. So, of course, you know, many of the queer folks there had tattoos and piercings and, you know, were just so hip and cool, and I was just like, east Coast. I have no tattoos, I have no piercings, you know, pretty straight laced, quote unquote, in a way. And I never have felt like enough of something. And so I would just be like, I’m not like these folks, you know, I’m not trans enough. I’m not queer enough. I’m not even a person of color enough, you know, being Asian in this culture, etcetera, and so I suffered with that story that I had believed, you know, all my life for, like, three days on that retreat. And I just sat with the pain of this feeling of separation. And so I just got this insight after a sitting practice where, why. Why am I relying on something external to me to determine my belonging? Why am I waiting for this outside force to say, like, la, you’re acceptable. You’re lovable. You belong here. And also, it wasn’t like anyone was saying to me, la, you don’t belong here. It was all in my head. And so I decided from then on that I can just claim my belonging. It reminds me of the story of the Buddha when he got enlightened and Mara was taunting him and seducing him and berating him. Basically, it was just an his mind that he didn’t deserve, you know, he’s not worthy. And the Buddha put his hand on the ground and basically said, with the earth is my witness, I belong. You know, I deserve to exist. And so I just really try to carry that, you know, with my older wolf, you know, to like, no matter where I am, whether it be in a dominant culture environment, and I’m the only one, yet again, that it’s like, you know, bottom line, I do belong. I may not look like or have similar experiences to the people here, but I belong, and we actually all belong, you know, and so just noticing my tendency to be on guard, and that’s really a protective mechanism for myself, you know, that I’ve developed for many years. And ultimately it’s like, I’m okay, you know, and I don’t have to wait. I always talk about how, like, we all are like perfect cakes. And then, you know, it’s like anything outside of that is like, extra nice. Buttercream is, like, wonderful. It just adds to the cake. It doesn’t, like, make the cake better. It’s just a nice little addition.

[00:19:00 – 00:20:56]
Yeah. In that story, I was struck by you sort of saying, like, you know, you’re alternating between judging yourself, judging them. And I think it’s so interesting what groups do to a lot of us. You know, when you put us into a group where we don’t know people, for so many of us, that’s exactly what starts to happen. And I think that’s why groups can be such powerful means of transformation, is if we can watch that process from a place of a little bit higher awareness. We go, oh, look what’s happening. Like, I’m judging you. And then five seconds later, I’m judging myself. You suck. I suck. I mean, like, it. And it’s just this whole dance that happens because I feel like I want to belong. We know some of that is just what it is to be a human, Right. We’re wired to want to belong. We’re wired to suss out, am I safe? Do I belong? You know, but again, I. I think those things go so much deeper. For people who even in every situation, feel like they don’t belong, it must be so challenging. I’m going to circle back to your original answer about the wolves, because we’re kind of back in the same territory. And I wanted to ask this question, which is you mentioned a younger wolf and older wolf. The younger wolf being the one that felt like she doesn’t belong and she doesn’t fit. And the older wolf being one, that’s a little bit wiser. And I guess I’m curious, do you feel like if you’d had the older wolf in your life as a younger wolf? Now I’m really torturing the metaphor here, that it would have helped because you do a lot of work with teenagers, you know, that’s sort of when like all this underground, like I’m not sure I belong, like explodes to the surface. Do you think that it can really help us to have people who are a little further down the path sharing with us? Like, hey, of course you feel like you don’t belong. That’s normal, that’s natural. But you do.

[00:20:57 – 00:22:56]
Yeah. Oh, most definitely, Eric, for sure. And I loved working with teens, you know, and it was interesting because when I first was approached to teach, you know, teens, I was asked like, oh la, you know, have you ever experienced working with teens or anything like that? And I said, I have no experience working with teens and I’m quite afraid of them, you know. And that’s always a message for me to actually dive in, you know, and check this out. And a lot of it was that I hadn’t healed my own inner teens. Yeah, the one that felt like they needed to hide and couldn’t be fully themselves and you know, go through the motions of going to the prom when, you know, it’s like, this is the last thing I want to be doing right now. Yeah, yeah, etc. And so working with teens, you know, and one of the first things I say with teens on retreats is like, let’s just put out on the table that we’re all a bit awkward. You know, we all just want to be loved, accepted, appreciated for who we are, all of who we and what we’re going to create here is the world we want to be living in, which is like, you can be all of who you are and feel loved and respected and heard. And so it really is. And so there’s so many, you know, teens that I taught during those years that have come out now as gender non conforming or non binary. And yeah, there’s this possibility and then to see someone who’s actually happy, you know, that has like, you know, really has a good life and that it’s possible for them. And it wasn’t easy, definitely growing up and find my happiness inside myself and not rely on it coming from the outside and at such a young age, from 13 to 19, your approval or acceptance from peers is so important. And so that sense of belonging is very much dependent on the external. And what an older person can say, it’s like, yeah, that’s true. And it shifts and changes as you get older and you become less and less dependent, you know, on that. At least I did.

[00:23:23 – 00:23:59]
You are an unusual dharma teacher in that you generally don’t write out dharma talks and really plan and prepare. You say that despite being a person who’s hyper organized in other aspects of your life, in this area, you tend to let things happen. You often start off with a song on a ukulele. But I’m wondering if you could talk a little bit about that idea of sort of just showing up and letting what emerges emerge. Is it courage that allows you to do that, or is it fear that causes you to do that?

[00:24:02 – 00:25:38]
Yeah. So when I was in kindergarten, I got a needs improvement in show and tell, and I felt like that just scarred me for so much of my life, you know, of this. Oh. Like I can’t be in front of a lot of people. And it’s been a real, just deep practice, Eric, of just continuing to show up because the last thing I ever wanted to be was a teacher. Like, this was not in my trajectory of career. It just happened in a way and been given a lot of really wonderful opportunities by dear teachers of mine exposure to have these ways of showing up in the world. And I just kind of take it on as a challenge, as a practice for me to keep being my myself and showing up as myself. And so as hard as it is for me to sort of write, I mean, I’m starting to do that a little bit more. But it’s risky, you know, because I can show up in a retreat or a talk and not really know where it’s going to go or if it’s going to make any sense or. I think it also helps me just kind of trust myself more, you know, we live in a culture that, like, everything’s got to be perfect. I always say I’m not podcast ready, you know, when it comes to, like, you know, giving talks and things like. So it really is that it’s okay to be imperfect. It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to be real and authentic. And it’s really resonated for people. It helps people relax a little bit, you know, because we live in such a striving culture, in a culture of perfection, and, you know, we can’t be acceptable unless we’re perfect.

[00:25:38 – 00:25:38]
Yeah.

[00:25:38 – 00:25:49]
And that’s how I lived a lot of my life, was trying to be perfect so I could be acceptable. And what I found is, wow, the more imperfect I am, the more acceptable I’ve actually become through, you know, the spaces that I’ve taught.

[00:25:49 – 00:26:44]
Right. It’s a really interesting dance between preparation and not being prepared. You know, like, I prepare a lot for these conversations, but I do it primarily out of a deep respect for the people I’m going to talk to. And then I try and also let go of it to some degree and allow what’s going to emerge, emerge. And so it’s a little bit of a dance to find what’s the right way to do it. Now, luckily, I’ve got Chris, my editor, sitting on the back end making me sound coherent. Believe me, he’s got his work cut out for him. Very often you talk a lot about keeping your practice really simple. And you said that there are four questions as you go through life that you just sort of use to orient yourself back to the moment and being present and your practice. And I thought maybe we could just talk through those four questions. You may not even remember them. Given that you stand up and give Dharma talks, do you remember what the four are?

[00:26:45 – 00:26:47]
Is your heart open or closed?

[00:26:47 – 00:26:48]
Yeah.

[00:26:48 – 00:26:50]
Are you feeling connected or disconnected?

[00:26:50 – 00:26:51]
Yeah.

[00:26:51 – 00:26:52]
Are you suffering or are you free?

[00:26:52 – 00:26:53]
Yeah.

[00:26:53 – 00:26:56]
And are you feeling empowered or disempowered?

[00:26:56 – 00:27:05]
Yeah. So talk to me about how you use those conversations in your life and then how you use them to guide what you do in the next moment.

[00:27:05 – 00:29:04]
So for me, those questions help me determine in a concrete way if I’m suffering when I notice that I’m suffering. So that would be when my heart is closed. I’m feeling disconnected. You know, I’m still suffering and I’m feeling disempowered. It’s like this self compassion just immediately arises. Like, I’ll just say to myself, oh, my gosh, buddy, you’re really, you know, struggling right now, you know, and to, like, just really pause and just allow myself to have my feels about whatever it is I’m going through, whether I’m feeling sad or angry or disappointed or shut down. And so when I’m able to allow myself, and this was not something that I was allowed to do as a child, you know, to have my feelings and understand what my feelings are and to work with them. I don’t think think many of us were ever really taught that. And so when I’m able to tend to that, then I can, like, get, okay, I may be feeling this way, but I can cultivate a different way of being one that actually will have me feeling more connected, having my heart open, feeling freer, and also empowered. My tendency in the past was to bypass it. You know, I’ll say, like, oh, la. You’re a Dharma teacher. Like, you shouldn’t be feeling these feelings, like, you should know better, you know, kind of thing. And so these questions really bring me back home to just getting like, my heart is closed, I’m feeling disconnected. I’m not empowered, and I’m suffering. So let me take care of myself right now because I don’t have the capacity to do the next thing until I tend to what’s right here. You know, like I said, we live in a culture where we just kind of bypass all that, and then we react to things rather than consider and respond in a more skillful way. So I don’t do it. You know, I’m definitely not skillful all the time. You can get my partner to tell you that. But she often questions like, are you sure you’re a mindfulness teacher? And I’m like, and I love that, you know, because it just. It’s just so humbling just to remember I’m also human.

[00:29:04 – 00:29:04]
Yeah.

[00:29:04 – 00:29:15]
And I know, and I’ll fall off the wagon and I’ll get back on the wagon, you know, and I can forgive myself and I can have compassion for myself, especially when I’m struggling, struggling, and I’m not necessarily getting it right.

[00:29:15 – 00:29:44]
Have you found that, you know, suddenly being asked to be a mindfulness teacher and agreeing to step into that role. You mentioned that those feelings of, like, well, shouldn’t I know better than this? Shouldn’t I be doing better than this? Talk to me about how you work with that. You know, has that been something that has emerged more for you since you’ve stepped into that role? Or is that sort of just always been part of your personality, which is like, you shouldn’t feel this way.

[00:29:44 – 00:30:31]
Yeah, that’s definitely been part of my personality, you know, because, you know, if you’re that way, then that’s going to be more stuff that people can call you on that’s not going to be acceptable. Right. And so I think it’s helped me just become more human, just kind of accepting my. For me, I thought being mindful was doing it right, but actually being mindful is just know what you’re doing. And so for me, that distinction was really helpful. And so it was like, oh, I’m aware that this. This is what’s happening, you know, versus, like, oh, I’m going to get it right. You know, it’s like, I’m aware I’m going to eat that third donut, and I know what it’s going to do. I’m very aware of that. You know, it may not be the most skillful thing, but I’m aware that I’m doing that versus, like, you know, just kind of bypassing and just always doing the right thing.

[00:30:31 – 00:31:05]
I’m struck by, in a lot of cases, how you refer to your practice, how simple you keep it. You say, I keep my practice really simple by noticing my suffering and confronting it with kindness and compassion. You know, I approach my practice with as much courage, willingness, and humility as I can. And I seek to find the dharma in everything because it’s everywhere all the time. You know, So I love that idea. That reminds me of that last line of the Bodhisattva vows or the Great Vows for all they have different names, but, you know, Dharma gates are countless. I vowed awake to them.

[00:31:05 – 00:31:05]
Right.

[00:31:05 – 00:31:06]
They’re everywhere.

[00:31:06 – 00:32:08]
Yeah, exactly. When I first came up, I just thought, like, oh, sitting retreats all the time and just practicing every day and just being on my cushion was the practice. But there was such a disconnect from what was happening out in the world, what was actually happening with my life. And so to me, you know, it’s like taking the training wheels off, you know, when we go out into the world and we engage. And, you know, a big question that’s going around in certain dominant culture dharma circles right now is like, well, what does social justice have to do with the Dharma? It actually is the Dharma because it’s all about suffering. And so if that is making us feel uncomfortable bringing that into our meditation halls or on our cushion, then what are we actually doing on our cushions? And so it really is. It’s that cultivation of a heart, as my teacher Eric Kolfigs, a heart that’s ready for anything, you know, and so it really is about bringing that in and recognizing and allowing ourselves to feel the depth of that suffering so that we can act from a place of compassion to do something about it.

[00:32:08 – 00:33:10]
Yeah, that’s one of my biggest interests and biggest questions that I look at is, you know, how do we bridge this gap from what we sort of know and maybe even what we practice formally by sitting and meditating or whatever to all the rest of the moments of our lives, you know, and to me, it seems that the biggest problem is broadly forgetting. You know, it’s forgetting that there is a Dharma, or forgetting that there’s another way to respond, or forgetting that there’s another layer or level of our heart. And we just get in motion in life and just, you know, habitual reactions and, you know, more and more. I think that’s the biggest question and the one that, you know, I am always interested in is, you know, how do people remember? You know, so I guess how has that evolved for you over time? How did you start to bring the Dharma into more of the moments of your life and how have you continued to do that?

[00:33:10 – 00:35:07]
Yeah, I love what you say about, like, forgetting and remembering, you know, and what helps me remember is taking refuge, you know, taking refuge in the Buddha. And for me, it’s not only the representation of the possibility of awakening, you know, in a lifetime. And it’s also recognizing my own Buddha nature. So recognizing my own innate goodness, my own wisdom and compassion. Everything that we seem to be wanting to buy out there that will bring us happiness is actually in here. And then taking refuge in the Dharma, you know, just the teachings and practices of awareness and compassion, of wisdom and compassion, to be able to see clearly, you know, what is actually happening so that I can then discern how to engage it. Because I have no control over what’s happening. I do have control over how I react or respond to what happening, how I relate to what’s happening, and then to take refuge in the Sangha. So even being around like minded, like hearted folks that, you know, will help me remember when I have, you know, sort of strayed off the path that, you know, we kindly and gently, like, bring each other back. We’re here to wake each other up as well as Ram Dass saying, walk each other home. But, you know, to me, they’re almost the same thing. And it’s been painful. You know, I’ve been part of dominant culture Sanghas for a long time and people don’t want to be really uncomfortable in waking up, you know, that’s why I have my song. Waking up is hard to do is because it is uncomfortable. And to me, our practice is learning to be more comfortable being uncomfortable, you know, but so much of mindfulness is being sold as, oh, free yourself from stress or be more productive and more focused at work, etc. But what’s missing is, yeah, we have to be with, like, what’s hard and challenging so that we can see it clearly and address it skillfully. And so that’s what really, like, helps me remember to come back.

[00:35:42 – 00:36:32]
As we talk about identity, and we’ve been talking about identity here, whether it be gender identity, sexual identity, race identity, right. As we talk about These things, we have identity. And then as we move in deeper and deeper into the dharma, we start to encounter ideas that say, hey, there’s no self actually here. You know, this quote, unquote, identity that you’re so worried about either protecting or propping up doesn’t actually exist. And I’ve heard you say that what is the importance of identity in this practice is one of the most important things that we’ve got to figure out if we’re going to have a dharma that is truly inclusive. So can you share a little bit more about how both those things are true, how that identity is absolutely real and true, and. And it’s kind of also not. And how do we work with that?

[00:36:33 – 00:37:12]
Yeah. Thank you, Eric. You know, I think the teaching on no self is, like, one of the most confusing, you know, concepts in Buddhism and especially with regards to social identities, you know, so to me, the absolute truth is that we’re all one. The relative truth is that we don’t treat each other that way. You know, some folks, based on their race are treated less than or their sexual orientation, their gender identity or class, physical abilities, its mental abilities, et cetera. You know, so when people say to me, you know, well, we’re all one law. Why do you need to separate yourselves out as a, you know, bipoc Sangha or LGBTQIA sangha? And I said, well, whose one are we being?

[00:37:13 – 00:37:16]
Elaborate on that. Whose one are we being?

[00:37:16 – 00:38:27]
Yeah, so if you don’t feel like it’s important for folks who have felt marginalized, colonized, or oppressed, you know, ancestrally, historically, you know, right now, in this lifetime, we can’t be all one if they’re feeling not safe or not seen or not respected in these dominant culture spaces. You know, that’s not inclusion. You know, I have this analogy of, like, a dominant culture dinner party where they want to invite some new guests to the dinner. And so they’re like, the new guests are like, oh, we would love to come. We’d love to bring our food and music because we like to dance after we eat. And the dominant culture hosts is, no, we already ordered the food. You know, the menu is set. We just need you to sit at the table. That’s not inclusion. That’s assimilation. Like, we want you here, but we want you here on our terms, you know, versus we want you here, and we want you to bring the richness of who you are to us so that we can be here together and learn from each other. There’s a real difference. And so, yes, that’s the absolute truth that we’re definitely aspiring towards, but it is not at all as we are seeing right now, you know, the way that we treat each other.

[00:38:27 – 00:39:22]
I’m curious on a practical level how we start to bring these things together. As someone who’s interested in how communities form and come together. You know, if you’ve got a dominant culture, so you’ve got a Sangha that’s, let’s say, 98% white people, and you have, you know, a few people who don’t quite fit that, who kind of fit in and again, are sort of asked to assimilate, you don’t have diversity there. Right? If, on the other hand, you have a Sangha that is oriented towards lgbtq, right now you’ve got two sanghas, right? You got one over here and one over here. And I’m kind of curious, is it even important that we move towards a Sangha in which it’s everyone seen for who they are and valued for who they are? How have you seen that actually work well in real life? Or have you?

[00:39:24 – 00:41:18]
It’s slow. Yeah, it’s really slow. Especially, I think, you know, with, say, the bipoc Sangha, you know, in my community, it’s like it’s very few people that are part of that Sangha join the larger dominant culture saga. And a lot of it is like, people don’t feel safe, they don’t feel held. You know, things will be said and, you know, often called microaggressions, etcetera, where it’s like, I don’t even call them microaggressions anymore because they’re still harmful. You know, make microaggressions, makes. Oh, it’s so tiny, it shouldn’t really matter, but it does. It has huge impact. And so I do believe it’s important for everybody to come together, but I don’t think that we’re necessarily there yet. I think that the dominant culture has a lot of work to do on themselves around their understanding of themselves, you know, especially as white people, you know, white supremacist, you know, white privileged, cultural. And then to. Then, you know, understanding yourself and then understanding the impact of, you know, the systems and the institutions that perpetuate, you know, this harm, this marginalization, this oppression of people that aren’t white or of a dominant culture identity. So, you know, I have this phrase that I’ve coined that’s racial, is glacial. Like, it takes a really long time. It takes a really long time. Even in spiritual communities where you would think, oh, well, everyone. Everyone’s got good intention, big hearts, etc. But we’re still human beings who are deeply conditioned by the culture. And again, going back to, you know, being called out on things, that feels uncomfortable. And if people aren’t willing to be humble and willing to be uncomfortable and being called in or called out, whatever you want to use, whatever term you want to use, it makes it really hard. You know, it doesn’t make it safe for folks like myself to want to engage. So there’s a lot of work to be done.

[00:41:18 – 00:42:02]
Is it appropriate for people who are in the dominant culture to want to be involved in and attend, say, a bipoc sangha? Or is that not the right approach, not the right place, not a place that I would belong? I mean, because what I’m trying to find is we certainly know that exposure to each other increases understanding, increases knowledge, increases tolerance. So this is just somebody who recognizes that I am part of the dominant culture in all the ways. Right. White, male, cisgendered, and still trying to say, all right, where do I. And how do I advocate for fairer and more equitable places where I exist?

[00:42:02 – 00:43:19]
Yeah, definitely have gotten a lot of questions from dominant culture folks saying, oh, can I just join your bipoc sangha? Because I want to learn how to engage and how to be. And it’s. And it’s not appropriate because that space is a refuge and a safe space for bipoc folks to be able to, like, not have to worry about, you know, you know, like, you know, if there’s a white person in the room, like, we do this, like, a lot of people do it. Like, I have to deal with those folks in my job, like all the time. And, you know, here’s a really, like, safe space that actually inspires, rejuvenates, resources, people so that we can go out into the world. And so to be a good ally would be to be one, to, you know, do your own work, work with your own people. Because we started doing these week long retreats. We would have, you know, the sits in the big hall and then we would have once a day an affinity sit for LGBTQIA folks and every other day for the bipoc folks. And people were like, well, why do they have to, like, separate themselves out? Well, the thing about it is the white folks don’t realize when they’re in the big meditation hall, they’re one big affinity group. And all we’re doing in the other room is just being together. Like you’re being together in that room. We’re not Talking about revolution, you know, overthrow.

[00:43:21 – 00:43:22]
You’re not.

[00:43:22 – 00:44:27]
We’re. No, no, we’re just sitting just like you. But there’s something about, you know, sitting together that just allows us to go deeper because we’re not necessarily being activated by, you know, this conditioning that we have, you know, when we’re. We’re in a mixed group. So it is like a little bit of a refuge to kind of resource ourselves so that we can come and engage, you know, in the bigger group. Yeah. So it really is. And I think sometimes some dominant culture folks kind of want to just kind of bypass it. Like, why can’t we just all just be one together? Like just all just kind of mix and it can get pretty messy, you know, if there’s not a lot of consciousness, if there’s not a lot of, like, willingness just to deeply listen or know, you know, if someone who is entitled to take up a lot of space or has always been able to take up a lot of space, you know, to make space for others, you know, and have their voices included. So there’s a lot of practices that need to be in place in order to feel that sense of equity, that sense of belonging, that sense of true, you know, welcome and inclusion.

[00:44:27 – 00:44:49]
Yep, yep. I like. I guess I should say I don’t like it because I wish it wasn’t that way. But racial as glacial speaks to something that I feel deeply, which is just this, like, an impatience with, like, let’s get things better, you know, and yet sometimes staring at the problem and being like, wow, this feels colossal. Yeah, colossal. Glacial.

[00:44:49 – 00:45:16]
Yeah. It’s so buried in our systems and our institutions. You know, laws are made to oppress people. You talk about gerrymandering and all those. I mean, there are things that are actively laws being passed to, like, oppress people, you know, and people don’t get that, you know, maybe they do or maybe they don’t, but that’s what’s happening. That’s the result of those actions. Not sure exactly what it’s going to take, but it’s going to take a long time, whatever it is.

[00:45:17 – 00:45:43]
Well, yeah, I think it feels challenging, particularly when, you know, you do have what I think is a reasonable amount of the dominant culture that at least is open to things changing. But then it appears that a significant portion is, like you said, gerrymandering, everything, rolling back voting rights. And it just feels sort of like, oh, boy, it’s deep.

[00:45:43 – 00:45:47]
It’s. What this country was founded on was racism.

[00:45:47 – 00:46:44]
I don’t want to go too deep down that Rabbit hole, because we could be here forever. I want to actually pivot a little bit. Not that I’m disagreeing with what you said there, because I was actually about to ask a question about whether or most countries not that way. But I want to change direction just a little bit, which is something that you said, which is related, and I want to understand it a little bit more. You said being open to however life is unfolding and being willing to have my heart broken open over and over again in order to break my own habitual conditioning is my practice. This approach for me is energizing and not draining. And believe me, I’ve been drawn drained. I’m tying this to where we just were, which is when we look at some of these things, what we can feel is very drained. And I’m curious, as you said, like, I find this approach energizing. Talk to me about how what I just read of yours applies to what you and I were just talking about a couple minutes ago. And does it? Or am I taking it out of context?

[00:46:44 – 00:48:07]
Yeah, it is energizing. When I’m resourced. You know, in the past month, I’ve had some really, really painful, draining conversations with fellow teachers in my own community and just really getting like, oh, wow, we maybe have moved a centimeter so in 16 years. And, you know, I even joked that, you know, I’m so surprised that I don’t have a concussion from banging my head against the wall trying to explain and this stuff to people over these years. But when I find I’m with folks that really want to understand and really want to grow and have the humility to really deeply listen and take responsibility or their own ignorance or their own lack of consciousness, then I’m happy to engage. Like, I’m more than willing, you know, but when there is pushback or defensiveness, you know, it’s a lot of emotional labor for someone like you to engage in those kinds of conversations. And so I’ve been much better at saying, like, you know what? I just can’t do it. You know, I’ll call on an ally to speak up or I’ll give you some links and then you can do some research to, you know, educate yourself. But I really need to conserve my own energy, you know, because this is just my life. I mean, this is just constant, you know, for me. And it’s not just this thing I’m going to dabble in just because, you know, I’m feeling guilty or I feel like I need to do something right now. Yeah, this is just My existence.

[00:48:08 – 00:48:23]
I wrestle with that, having you on and asking you these questions. I’m trying to do it from a place of hopefully growth and healing and helping others. And I recognize, like I’m putting you into a particular role that sometimes I feel uncomfortable with.

[00:48:23 – 00:49:09]
Well, you know, I think for me, you know, it’s part of my own practice, you know, doing this work, Deia, work for your audience. Diversity, equity, inclusion, accessibility work for the last 16 years is. It’s really deep in my practice around patience, tolerance, acceptance, compassion. Yeah, you know, like it’s really pushed me, you know, in ways that I never imagined. It’s opened my heart in ways that I never imagined imagine. I mean, that’s the thing. It’s like I don’t want any of this stuff to shut my heart down. Like my aspiration is to keep my heart open as possible. It’s on a dimmer switch. You know, it’s kind of like I’m going to talk to this person, it’s going to be down to like 20% open versus like, oh, I’m hanging out with my pups. It’ll be 90% open.

[00:49:10 – 00:49:10]
Yeah.

[00:49:12 – 00:50:03]
But you know, it’s work that’s necessary. It’s super important, you know, like all of our lives depends on it. And a friend of mine that I just made was on a panel this past week and she said, you know, racism will not stop until white people end it. And so it really is not necessarily our job. But I feel like because I have the capacity, I think that was the blessing and maybe hindrance of being assimilated growing up. You know, it’s like I can hang in these spaces, in dominant culture spaces with a little bit more ease than some of my, you know, maybe bipoc friends. And so if I can, you know, be a bridge or if a few white folks wake up a little bit, you know, just being in my presence and in conversation, then I’m happy, you know, it’s something that I can give.

[00:50:03 – 00:51:08]
I love that analogy of heart open versus closed on a dimmer switch. I love that idea. And I also loved where you talked about that the non binary nature of gender gives you that ability to float in between things. You know, kind of makes you a middle way expert. I love that I may have put slight words in your mouth there, but I think that’s close to what you were saying. And I think that dimmer switch is a beautiful example of that. You know, like, is my heart open or closed? Is pretty binary. Noticing that it’s 75% open. Okay. That’s pretty good. You know, that’s all right. But where I wanted to end was talking about Casey, your dog, because I think you and I have had a very similar experience, which is that you talk about Casey, which is a dog you only had for four months, who really opened your heart. And I came to dogs later in life, did not like them most of my life. I don’t know if that would be where you were. I was a vehement anti dog person and had a dog that opened my heart. But share a little bit about Casey and in what ways an animal was able to open your heart, in ways that humans worked.

[00:51:08 – 00:51:16]
Thank you for that, Eric. Yeah, I’m the same as you. I used to think that people had pets because they didn’t want to deal with other people.

[00:51:16 – 00:51:17]
It might be true.

[00:51:20 – 00:52:44]
It probably is. And so, you know, we adopted Casey from my parents when my mom got diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. And, you know, it was just like, just little being. Casey was a Norwich terrier, which is like a really small, compact, little, spunky little dog. And she was about 12 when we adopted her. And she just was my companion, you know, during my mom’s last year of life. And, you know, she was just always there, just lay beside me when I would cry. And there was just something about, like, this silent little being, you know, just the presence of that, that unconditional love. You know, sometimes human love can be so conditional, but with a dog, with an animal, it was my first taste of that kind of unconditional love. And so we’ve had three more dogs since then. And it’s pure joy and definitely a practice of patience and acceptance and messiness, which I don’t tolerate very well. So it’s also a good practice in confronting my need for order in my life. But, yeah, Casey was truly a real gift. That was totally unexpected. And that’s so much of, like, how I just. I just trust life, you know, like, life will bring me what I need. The people, the animals, the experiences, and I just flow with it, you know, as best I can.

[00:52:44 – 00:53:34]
Yeah, mine was Sadie, the one who opened my heart. And I know that Tara Brock is a teacher you’ve worked closely with, was a spitting image, like, literally twins of her. When Tara and I talked on the interview, we shared photos. We were like, oh, my God. Like, it’s just uncanny. But, yeah, Sadie’s the one who opened my heart. And I often feel like. It just feels like the biggest gift that, like, somewhere near midlife, I discovered this whole species of creatures that I had no appreciation for that. I’m now like is one of the greatest joys of my life. I. I just feel so, so fortunate in that regard. It’s been such a lovely thing. Well, Law, thank you so much for taking the time to come on the show. It has been a real pleasure to have you on and really grateful that we got to spend this time together.

[00:53:34 – 00:53:37]
Yeah. Thank you, Eric. Thank you for having me. It’s been.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

The Purpose of Emotions and Why We’re Not Wired for Happiness with Anders Hansen

December 10, 2024 Leave a Comment

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In this episode, Anders Hansen explains the purpose of emotions and how we’re not wired for happiness. Anders discusses the evolutionary nature of our minds and how our ancestor’s survival instincts have shaped our modern-day experiences of anxiety and happiness.

Key Takeaways:

  • Understand how human emotions have evolved to serve a purpose in our lives
  • Discover the powerful impact of exercise on your mental well-being
  • Learn effective strategies to overcome feelings of loneliness and connect with others
  • Explore the role of inflammation in depression and its potential influence on mental health
  • Recognize the importance of nurturing relationships for your overall happiness and well-being

Connect with Anders Hansen: Website | Instagram

Dr. Anders Hansen is a psychiatrist and popular TV show host with his own docu series about the mysteries of the human brain. Anders has published several bestselling books and is arguably Sweden’s favorite expert on the topic of brain and health matters. His books have sold over 3 million copies and have been on bestseller lists in Sweden, Japan, and numerous other countries. His books include The Attention Fix: How to Focus in a World That Wants to Distract You, The Happiness Cure: Why You’re Not Built for Constant Happiness, and How to Enjoy the Journey; The Mind-Body Method: How Moving Your Body Can Strengthen Your Mind; Unlocking the ADHD Advantage: Why Your Brain Being Wired Differently Is Your Superpower

If you enjoyed this episode with Anders Hansen, check out these other episodes:

How to Integrate Behavior Change with Your Values with Spencer Greenberg

Behavior Change with Dr. John Norcross

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Episode Transcript:

00:01:31 – Chris Forbes
Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have. Quotes like garbage in, garbage out, or your are what you think ring true. And yet, for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self pity, jealousy or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction. How they feed their good wolf. Thanks for joining us. Our guest on this episode is Anders Hansen, a psychiatrist, and popular TV show host with his own docu series about the mysteries of the human brain. Anders has published several bestselling books and is arguably Sweden’s favorite expert on the topic of brain and health matters. His books have sold over 3 million copies and have been on bestseller lists in Sweden, Japan, and numerous other countries, and many of them now will be available in the United States. Enjoy this incredible interview.

00:02:58 – Eric Zimmer
Hi Anders, welcome to the show.

00:03:00 – Anders Hansen
Hi. My pleasure.

00:03:01 – Eric Zimmer
I’m excited to have you on. You are releasing a bunch of books in the United States this fall One of which we are going to really focus on today, and that is called the happiness cure. Why you’re not built for constant happiness and how to enjoy the journey. But before we get into that, we’ll start like we always do, with the parable. In the parable, there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild. They say, in life, there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love. And the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops, and they think about it for a second. They look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you, what does that parable mean to you in your life and in the work that you do?

00:03:56 – Anders Hansen
Well, first of all, it’s a fantastic little story. I love it. To me, it means that we humans adapt to our world, to our environment. We’re not blank slate, but we do adapt. Our brains are plastic. And if we live in a world which is dangerous, filled with threats, we will adapt to that. We will be vigilant and perhaps aggressive. And if we are surrounded by kindness and gratitude, we will adapt to that. And those sides of our personality will be amplified. That’s how I see it.

00:04:27 – Eric Zimmer
And I think that ties into, to some degree what you talk about in the Happiness Cure. You start off by talking about we are the survivors. Talk to me about what you mean by that and why that’s important to happiness.

00:04:42 – Anders Hansen
Well, the most important thing I never learned in med school is that the brain has not changed for 10,000 years. And the second most important thing I never learned in med school is that half of all humans died before they became teenagers during 99.9% of our history. And you and I and all of your listeners are, of course, the lost generation of an unbroken line of survivors, because our ancestors did not die before they reached adulthood. Otherwise, we wouldn’t exist. Right? So what then was it that humans had to survive? Well, the thing that killed the most humans during our history was infection, bleeding, murder, starvation, dehydration. And since we are the descendants of the survivors, we are very, very good at surviving infections, bleeding, murder, dehydration, and accidents. However, today, we don’t die from these things. Today, we die from cardiovascular disease, cancer, and stroke. But that has just been the case for a couple of generations, and that means that we are not very good at surviving those things. They have not had time to shape us. So from this perspective, you understand so much of human psychology, I think, and particularly human mental health. We never evolved to be happy. We evolved to survive. The brain is a survival machine that evolves to regulate the body. And the main goal of the brain is not to be creative or smart. It is to take us to tomorrow alive. And as I said, the brain has not changed for the last 10,000 years. So that basically means that we are driven by brains, which are survival machines for the savannah. And today we live in a completely different environment. And we are driven by instincts that help survive on the savanna, and those instincts don’t make us happy in a world of overabundance. And one concrete example is our crave for calories. In the world where we evolved, calories was very hard to get by, and we had to eat everything when we found them. If we found sweet berries or fruit, something like that, we should eat everything at once, because tomorrow they may be gone, then someone else have taken them. Now, that craving for calories made a lot of sense in a world where there was little food. But that does not make sense at McDonald’s. When you take the crave for calories that evolution has built into us during hundreds of thousands, millions of years where calories were hard to come by, we take that crave into our world where calories are basically free, well, then it’s not surprising that you get the problems that you see today in terms of overweight, obesity, and type 2 diabetes.

00:07:38 – Eric Zimmer
So when you say we are driven by these things, say a little bit more about what you mean, because we obviously are driven by many different things. We have different motivations of all sorts. But what are you speaking about when you say the word driven in this case?

00:07:56 – Anders Hansen
Yes, that’s a good point. The brain does not have one inner voice. There’s no little miniature version of myself in my brain. The brain has several different motivation systems that compete against one another. But a concrete example is the following. The world that shaped us was incredibly dangerous. And as I said, half of all humans died before they became teenagers. That means that the ones of our ancestors who saw danger everywhere, who prepare for the worst, planned for a catastrophe around every corner. They probably had better chances of survival than the ones who thought, ah, that’s probably fine, I don’t have to worry about anything. So that means that we are the descendants of the anxious ones. And it’s not surprising that people have anxiety due to this. And about 40% of your risk of suffering from anxiety actually comes from your genes. It’s set in you when you are born. A difficult childhood can amp up the anxiety. Of course, the risk of it, but partly of it is genetic. And if you think about it, that means that the ones who have genes that increase your risk of anxiety, they actually have a strong brain because they have a brain that wants to protect them against disasters, against accidents, against the things that killed us in the past. And I often say to my patients with anxiety that it’s not strange that there are people who have anxiety. What is strange is that there are people who don’t have anxiety and maybe they are the ones who should be diagnosed. And you know, when you present it that way, you reframe it, I think, and you stop looking at yourself as damaged, as broken. And that is very, very important. And I always say to my patients, that strong pair of arms, they could lift heavy things and a strong pair of legs can run fast. But a strong brain is not the brain that goes through periods of stress unaffected. It’s a brain that wants to keep you alive at all costs, even though it means that you see danger everywhere. I think this reframing of the perspective is important because how we view ourselves is so important of how we view our future. We are always looking for explanations, identities for ourselves. And I have seen how psychiatric diagnosis can become such an identity. People think, oh, I could not have a normal relationship because I have an anxiety disorder. I can’t have a normal job because I have adhd, et cetera. And that is just so sad because these diagnosis are not meant to be that. So they can be self fulfilling in a way. And that’s why you need to change the perspective and look at it from the perspective of the brain and then you’ll realize that you are actually functioning. However, I don’t want to trivialize the damage that anxiety can cause because it can be hell, it wrecks people’s lives. If you suffer from it, you should seek help. Absolutely. But you should not view yourself as broken.

00:10:57 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah, we talk on this show a lot about this idea of diagnosis and labels, like when are they useful and when are they not. Right. And I think being able to hold them pretty loosely and trade them in and out like, okay, it’s useful to think about having a person who has anxiety right now, but it’s not useful necessarily. Maybe think of myself as an anxious person or it’s just this ability to be flexible.

00:11:22 – Anders Hansen
Yeah, absolutely. But it’s surprising how often they become self fulfilling prophecies. We are incred incredibly complex. If you take ADHD for instance, it’s a diagnosis that is based on hyperactivity, impulsivity and difficulties of concentrating. Everyone has those problems more or less. So we are all on an ADHD scale. That doesn’t mean that everyone has adhd. That means that we have more or less of these traits. At the same time, we also have more or less autistic traits and we have more or less bipolar traits. Not saying that everyone is bipolar or autistic, just that we have more or less of these traits. And if that sounds complicated. Complicated, that’s because it is complicated. Human nature is incredibly complex.

00:12:06 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah.

00:12:06 – Anders Hansen
So you should not generalize too much. And as a psychiatrist, these diagnoses, their function is to guide treatment so that you get the best treatment. That’s what they are there for. They are not there to give you an explanation for your whole life. And they are certainly not there to cause harm in the sense that they become self fulfilling prophecies.

00:12:28 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah. Let’s talk about feelings. Emotions and feelings. You use those words early on in the book. First let’s delineate between what is an emotion and what is a feeling like when you use those two words, what do you mean by each?

00:12:43 – Anders Hansen
Emotions is the bodily reactions that happens when you get afraid. For instance, your heart will beat faster, you will breathe faster, and your adrenal glands will pump out cortisol. All of these things that happen are part of an emotion. And a feeling is a subjective feeling that you feel when this is happening to you. That’s a normal distinction between them. And what’s so important to understand is that feelings is all about actions. That’s what they are there for. They are not there to give us a rich inner life. They are there to tilt our behavior in ways that made us survive and reproduce in the past. So you can’t really say what’s the purpose of this feeling today. You must instead ask the question, was it important to have this feeling in our mental repertoire in the world that shaped us? And for instance, negative feelings such as anxiety and depression was probably very important because they helped us survive danger, they helped us avoid danger. And they should also be easily triggered. The negative feelings. And the negative feelings out triumphs the positive ones. If you’re anxious, you can’t think of anything positive. And that’s because your brain is telling you to look out for danger. And then it can’t think of any other thing else. That’s survival. Right. And if you look at what’s happening in the brain when you’re feeling something, there’s a part of the brain called the insular cortex. And the insular cortex is tucked inside your temporal lobes. And the insular cortex receives signals from the body and the senses. So in the insular cortex, your inner world and your outer world is combined. And based on that, the brain creates a subjective experience, a feeling, in order to tilt your behavior in such a way that helped us survive in the past. And again, since we are the descendants of the humans who did not die, we have an unbroken line of survivors behind us as our ancestors. I look at feelings as whispers from previous generations of humans who against all odds, survived starvation, dehydration, bleeding, accidents, and murder.

00:15:01 – Eric Zimmer
So it’s easy to see how anxiety could have an evolutionary purpose. It’s harder to see the evolutionary purpose of depression. Yes, let’s talk a little bit about that. What do we think the evolutionary purpose behind depression was or is?

00:15:19 – Anders Hansen
Well, first of all, a depression is a state where everything feels worthless. Things that you normally like to do, meet your friends or cook or play the guitar, or watch a movie or whatever you like, those things feel worthless. And it’s not like that for a day. Everyone has those days. This goes on for months now. It’s a standstill, basically. As a psychiatrist, I have seen that what often triggers depressions, most of them are triggered by long term stress. And by that I don’t mean a day or a week long periods of stress. Now, the stress system that we have in our bodies evolves to protect us against danger. When we get stressed, our heart beats stronger and faster because we are in a state where we should go to attack or run away, fight or flight. And we use the same system for modern stressors. Now that means that when the stress system is turned on constantly, the brain probably gets a signal that you are in a dangerous world, because that was having stress all the time, meant for our ancestors. And then the brain tries to steer you away from that world. How will it do that? It makes you want to withdraw and it down regulates motivation. So you basically want to hide in your bed, you don’t want to go out. Everything feels worthless. What we also know is that inflammation plays an important part. And inflammation is the body’s response to many things. If I scratch myself like this, it becomes slightly reddish here. That’s a slight inflammation. If I have a cardiovascular insult, which can be deadly, of course that causes inflammation in my heart. So inflammation is a reaction in the body that is normal, but that can also be very dangerous. Now, there is always a certain Level of systemic inflammation in the whole body, that’s perfectly normal. When we get an infection, let’s say by influenza or Covid or something, the level of inflammation in the body rises. That causes a number of chemicals called cytokines to be released. And the brain registers the cytokines. It basically registers aha, there’s an infection going on. The brain then down regulates mood and drive. We feel blue, we want to go home and tuck ourselves into bed. We feel sick, basically we don’t want to do anything. Now why is that? Well, that’s probably because the immune system uses a lot of energy. About 20% of the body’s energy goes to the immune system. And when the immune system must amp up its activity, which it must during an infection, the body must save its energy. So you can’t go around running and doing other things. You have to save your energy. That’s why your brain wants to keep you still when you have an infection. Now this makes perfect sense. However, modern lifestyle factors such as sitting too much, sleeping too little, stressing too much, eating too much processed food also causes inflammation. And here comes the main point. The brain cannot distinguish what caused that inflammation. It sort of figures inflammation as inflammation and downregulates mood and drive. So our current lifestyle is triggering an old defense system against infections. And that might sound speculatory, but during the last decade it’s been shown in many studies that inflammation is behind a third of all depressions. They have an inflammatory origin. So I think in a way that the current lifestyle that we live with, long term stress, where we eat too much processed food, where we don’t exercise, they trigger this alarm in us, this defense mechanism. And it’s actually from that perspective it’s not so, so strange that so many are suffering from depression. In Sweden, more than one in eight adults are on antidepressant medication.

00:19:24 – Eric Zimmer
So I’ve got a couple follow on questions to that idea. The first is there are measures of inflammation that we can take in the body. C reactive proteins, other ones I believe. If somebody is showing normal levels of inflammation in that way, is it reasonable to assume that inflammation is not what’s driving a depression? Or is it more subtle than that? Or do you know?

00:19:52 – Anders Hansen
I’m not sure. I know that there’s been many studies that have looked into whether you can have inflammatory markers guiding antidepressant medication. And the studies that I have read has not been conclusive.

00:20:06 – Eric Zimmer
Okay.

00:20:07 – Anders Hansen
Anti inflammatory medications seem to have an antidepressant effect. Effect if, but only if depression comes from inflammation.

00:20:16 – Eric Zimmer
Right.

00:20:17 – Anders Hansen
And it doesn’t seem to be so strong that you could just use that. You have to use antidepressant as well. And a big point I want to make here is if you’re on any medication at all, you must consult your doctor before you change anything.

00:20:28 – Eric Zimmer
Yes, yeah. Depression is one of those things that it’s hard to wrap your head around because it seems to be multicausal, multivariate. Right. It’s sort of like addiction in that way. Like, we’ve got a lot of good theories, but it seems to be sort of a constellation of different things often.

00:20:48 – Anders Hansen
Absolutely. But I think that we view depressions from a purely psychological perspective. We think a depression must come from something in my private life, my relationships or my work, my boss, something like that. But we underestimate the part that is biology. We must also look at depression from the perspective of physiology as a consequence to long term stress and as a consequence of inflammation. And as you say, depressions are incredibly complex. But what is interesting, I think, is that one has looked at hunter, gatherer tribes and tried to estimate how many of them that are depressed and there seems to be very few. There are many caveats to this science because it’s difficult to measure this. Sometimes people hide their problems, they don’t want to talk about them, and sometimes they externalize their problems. So a depression could be sort of maybe an aching knee or aching back is actually a depression and so on. So it’s difficult. But having said that, the studies that have been done indicate that depression seems to be rare among hunters and gatherers. And that gives you a possible clue that maybe depressions were very rare among our ancestors. Maybe actually our ancestors felt better than we do. That’s quite possible. And I visited a tribe in Kenya last year and I asked them, you know, how often do you see people that are depressed? And they said, it’s very, very rare, Very, very rare. It does happen when most of them had lost a child because child mortality was so high in this group, they were sad, but they seldom got depressed. So I think psychiatry is not just advanced medicine and cool molecules. It’s also about taking a step back and looking at our past and trying to understand what shaped us and what are the brain’s Achilles heels, so to speak.

00:23:12 – Eric Zimmer
The other question you wonder in the scenarios you are about, you know, thinking about hierarchy of needs, like if you’re focused on survival, do you have time to contemplate things on a deeper level? In the book you really tried to dig into whether we’re seeing more depression. Than we used to. Are people more depressed today? And you ended with the studies. The data just is unclear. But you did say, I feel pretty comfortable saying that. What is remarkable is that the number of cases of depression clearly is not going down.

00:23:47 – Anders Hansen
Exactly.

00:23:48 – Eric Zimmer
And that’s even with us giving lots of people medication and therapy. So it’s hard to know if overall they’re going up. But you would expect the trend to be sharply downward if what we were doing was working.

00:24:01 – Anders Hansen
Exactly. And if you take one step back and think about it, since the 90s, our economy has basically doubled. We become twice as rich, and if we can’t say that we feel better, why then should we have this economic progress? You could ask the hardest capitalist you could find, you know, why should we have economic progress? And they will say, well, so that we could have it better, of course. And then if you naively ask, well, why should we have it better? They will say, so that we could feel better. And we obviously don’t do that. The main point here is that we can’t really say whether we are worse off than we were 10, 20 years ago. We know that teenagers feel worse now than they did 20 years ago. That’s a fact. But for adults, it’s very difficult to say. But you can’t say that we feel better. And that is actually the question you should ask, why aren’t we doing that?

00:24:53 – Eric Zimmer
Right. Another thing in the depression area that you talked about that I’d love to have you elaborate a little bit on is something that you called the analytical rumination hypothesis. Can you share what that is?

00:25:07 – Anders Hansen
Yeah, it’s something that I have seen in many, many patients that when they are depressed, do you have a big decision in your life that you’re facing? And often they say, yes, I do. And they could be ruminating about whether they should leave their partner or whether they should leave job or perhaps try a new career or something like that. And I had such a period myself. I went into economics after high school and I studied, and this was just not for me. But I just kept going because I thought it was the right thing to do. And I did an internship at investment banks and stuff like that. And then when I was about 23, I had this period where I felt really blue and down and I withdrew and I sort of ruminated on this problem, should I switch? And then eventually I just decided to do that. And then I switched into medicine, and I never looked back. And I’m so happy that I took that decision. But there is a theory that in some cases of depression, the brain downregulates mood and drive so that you should be able to withdraw and really ponder a difficult question, a really difficult decision that you should not take lightly. It’s a theory, and I’m very certain that all the depressions does not have to do with that, but maybe a subset of them actually has something to do with that. And personally, I was glad that I had this period because I don’t think that I would have made this decision to go into medicine unless I had done that, unless I’d been through that.

00:26:40 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah, it’s really interesting. I am a person who has had challenges with depression, and I find myself pulled between often two things. Right. And one is, should I be looking for things in my life that are not going right or that aren’t the right fit for me, or is there something I need to be paying attention to or to the earlier point, is this more of a physiological thing, that it should be treated by better exercise and diet and sleep? And of course, the answer for me is always both. It’s both those things. But the question of whether I need to be looking deeper is an interesting one because, like, when I get the flu, to your point earlier, when I have the flu and I feel down and depressed and life seems kind of crappy, I just go, don’t listen to your thoughts for a couple days because you don’t feel good. You’re going to feel better. There’s no need to make a big deal out of this. Right. And the same thing sometimes I think can be effective for depression. Like for me, sometimes it’s a matter of just saying, all right, you know what? For whatever reason you go through these cycles, just keep doing the things you know that are good. You’ll come out the other side. But then there’s a part of you that goes, well, should I be looking more closely at am I deeply fulfilled? Those sort of things? Curious how you work with clients on that sort of thing.

00:28:02 – Anders Hansen
Yeah, it’s hard to generalize, but the brain is constantly trying to explain why we’re feeling the way we’re feeling. It gives post hoc rationalizations or post hoc answers to these questions. And I have seen many times in patients, they come and they have a depression, and they think these existential thoughts, you know, is life worth living? Things like that, really dark. And then you see that they have too little of thyroid hormone, which regulates your metabolism, and when you give them medication, these things vanish. So there’s so much that goes into the part of the brain that creates feelings and part of it. It’s your internal state in the body. And then the brain tries to think of a reason why we feel this way. And it often thinks of things outside and it doesn’t have to be like that. I have never heard someone coming in and having existential thoughts and saying, maybe my thyroid hormone is too low. No, they never say that. Yeah, but of course, at the same time, it’s very, very hard to generalize. And I think that depression is a very, very powerful state and it can be very dangerous, even deadly. Suicides are often due to due depression, so you should attack them from as many fronts as possible. You should definitely exercise and you should definitely go into therapy. And if it’s severe, you should definitely try medication. And you should not do one of these things. You should do all of them. Same with anxiety. It must be attacked from many fronts.

00:29:33 – Eric Zimmer
I couldn’t agree with you more on that. I had food poisoning a couple weeks ago and I became like, as existentially dark as, like, you know, coug. I mean, it was just a. It’s so funny. And then a couple days later I felt better and, you know, the world looked normal again. It just. It’s so funny how we are so affected by how our body feels. And it’s. Why to me, cognitive behavioral therapy is a very useful tool. But it’s not the only tool, because it’s not just that thoughts cause emotions. It seems like feelings cause thoughts too. It’s a two way street, right?

00:30:07 – Anders Hansen
Yeah, absolutely. I have the same experience as you have. This darkness can be so overwhelming. I mean, you talk about it like this, it’s a bit abstract, but when you experience this. I saw patients who had vaccination that caused inflammation and some really felt dark. And that was just a couple of hours afterwards and then it was gone.

00:30:27 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah.

00:30:27 – Anders Hansen
So these states can be so powerful. And you must then think that this is just my brain playing tricks on me. This will pause. It doesn’t feel like that, but it will pause because feelings are short term. Why is that? Well, that’s because we had to change our behavior all the time. As I said, the feelings are there to tilt our behaviors in certain ways that helped us survive. And since we had to do many things, they soon go up in smoke. If our ancestors were lucky enough to, you know, find a big pile of banana or hunt down the biggest deer or something, how long could they be happy about that? Well, a couple of hours, maybe a day or so. But if they were happy for two weeks and didn’t do anything, well, then they would die from starvation. And we all know that, that positive feelings are supposed to be short term. They will soon go up in smoke and they will be replaced by wanting some more. And this is not because we’re damaged. This is because we’re built this way. The same with negative feelings, they will disappear. And if they don’t, you should seek help. But in these cases, one must try to call the bluff of the brain, so to speak, which is very difficult.

00:31:36 – Eric Zimmer
Right. Because the very tool you’re trying to use to do it is the tool that’s not functioning very well in that moment. It’s a conundrum. But say early on you’re talking about this idea that good feelings should always last. And I think we do live in a culture that seems to push that narrative. And you say basically that expecting to always feel great is about as unrealistic as expecting that the banana on the kitchen counter will keep us full for the rest of our lives. Like it doesn’t work that way. And I think a lot of what you do in this book, and you do a really good job of, is showing us that just because our feelings come up and they come down and there’s negative parts of it, that’s what they were designed to do.

00:32:18 – Anders Hansen
Yeah. If you expect to feel good all the time, I mean, happiness first, it’s such a difficult topic. I always avoid it because everything you say sounds like cliches. But if you think that happiness is feeling good all the time, then you will be disappointed because we’re not built that way. And that may sound obvious, but the picture we get on social media is that we should go around feeling happy all the time and that we, we feel good all the time. And if we put our expectations on that, then we will be underwhelmed, so to speak. In science, the definition of happiness is that you are content with the long term direction of your life. And if you agree to that definition, and that’s up to everyone, of course, then the most important things for happiness seems to be relations. Relations. And relations. That’s the main thing. That’s not something that sounds good. That’s the result of a best study on this, which has been going for more than 90 years now at Harvard.

00:33:11 – Eric Zimmer
It’s funny, I was exchanging emails with Robert Waldinger earlier when I came across you referencing his study, this Harvard study that’s so clear on how critical relationships are for our overall well being. I want to hit a few other things kind of around these ideas. I want to talk a little bit about Memory. And you have a phrase where you say memory is a guide to the future.

00:33:38 – Anders Hansen
Yes.

00:33:38 – Eric Zimmer
Tell us what you mean by that.

00:33:40 – Anders Hansen
We view memory as a recollection of the past. Exactly what happened. When I think of my graduation, I think of the day and whether it was sunny or what I was doing, meeting my friends, my parents were there, etc. But it turns out that memory has nothing to do with our past. Memories are there to guide us in the present, in every moment of our lives. The brain pulls up the memories that it thinks is most relevant to what we’re experiencing right now. And what we do know is that every time we pull up a memory, it becomes malleable, it can change, and the situation in which we bring it up rubs itself off on the memory. So if I think of my graduation when I’m very sad, the memory itself will become slightly more sad. And if I think about it, when I’m happy, the memory will become happier. And that may sound strange, but the reason is probably that if you’re in a forest, for instance, and then you get attacked by a wolf and you survive, you get away from there. But it’s a very close call. Every time you come back to the same place, you will feel anxious, and perhaps you will feel anxious just by going in any forest or just seeing a tree. That’s not strange. If you were to come back to the same place in the forest again and there is no wolf, and again and again and again, and there’s no wolf, the memory of the wolf attack will start to change from being very unpleasant to being slightly less threatening. And that is probably because if you have been there 100 times and you have been attacked by a wolf one time, it’s probably very low chance that there will be a wolf attack the 101st time you get there. So memories are constantly updated in order to be as good a guide for the present as possible. And this is exactly what you are using in therapy. If you have experienced something traumatic and then you talk about it in a state where you feel calm and safe, for instance, at the therapist office, that feeling of being safe will rub itself off on the memory and it will become slightly less hostile to you.

00:35:54 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah, I love that idea of thinking of the purpose of memories and their purpose being like everything else that’s happening, to guide what we’re going to do next in order to survive. And when you think about a memory as not being there for a pleasant reminiscence, but as a way of telling us what’s important now, it really Reframes how you think about them as a whole.

00:36:20 – Anders Hansen
Exactly. Elisabeth Loftus, who’s a famous memory researcher, she said that we experience memories as YouTube clips, something that we could look at and then put back and look at again and they will be identical. But in reality, they are more like Wikipedia pages, something that can be edited by ourselves and by others around us. Every time we bring up a memory, it becomes a bit unstable, and the present situation where it’s brought up rubs itself off on the memory. Memory. And it’s a very functional mechanism, but it goes against how memories are perceived.

00:36:58 – Eric Zimmer
Right. If you have a memory as bad as mine, you years ago realized, like, okay, don’t trust this thing. You know? I guess that’s the one thing about having a memory that’s so bad. You’re like, all right, that’s an interesting.

00:37:09 – Anders Hansen
Point, because every time I run around in my apartment looking for my keys, I curse my bad memory. And I thought that my memory hasn’t worked because it forgot where I put the keys. And neuroscientists looked at memory in the same way that it was a failure of the brain to register what’s going on. But then, in 2019, a group of Japanese researchers discovered brain cells in mice, and humans also have them. That down regulates the activity in the hippocampus, which is the memory center of the brain. Mother Nature has put cells in us that down regulates memory. Why is that? I mean, that’s very strange. And there are some cases of people who have been unable to forget things. One of them was a Russian journalist in the 30s, and he had one of the best memories that’s been ever recorded in a human. He could hear poems in languages he didn’t speak, and he could quote them regardless of how long they were and even remember them 15 years after. Now, this guy. That sounds like a superpower, but it was terrible for me.

00:38:10 – Eric Zimmer
Oh, it sounds terrible.

00:38:11 – Anders Hansen
Yeah, yeah. Because it was bogged down by all these details, since the brain can’t remember everything we experienced, because it would mean that it had to go through too much information in any given moment of our lives to pull up the important stuff. It would be bogged down by irrelevant stuff if it remembered too much. So this person was actually very dysfunctional. He had difficulties thinking in an abstract way because it was just too much details. So it seems that forgetting is actually an important part of our memory.

00:39:03 – Eric Zimmer
I lost my wallet yesterday, and as I mentioned to you, I’m overseas. It’s difficult, but I’m going to file away that my bad Memory could be a good thing. You know, I heard somebody recently talking about absent mindedness and I loved the way they described it because they said, like, literally your brain is absent from where you are. It’s on something else. And I like to think of it that way. Like, okay, well, yeah, I’m absent minded because I’m thinking about, you know, something else. Not always so bad.

00:39:32 – Anders Hansen
Yeah. And that’s absolutely true that the bridge between what we experience and our memory is focus. When we focus on something, we tell our brain, this is important, keep this. And if we’re not focused, well, it doesn’t get that signal and then we tend to forget it. And with your keys and wallets and stuff, that can be disastrous. Of course.

00:39:52 – Eric Zimmer
Yes.

00:39:52 – Anders Hansen
I hope it turns out okay.

00:39:53 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah, I’ve more or less sorted it out. Thankfully my passport wasn’t with it, so that’s the only.

00:39:58 – Anders Hansen
Oh, good.

00:39:59 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah. So I want to talk a little bit about loneliness. It’s become a fairly common trope that we’re experiencing a loneliness epidemic. You actually say you’re not sure if that’s really the case, but that loneliness is deeply problematic for us as individuals. We recently asked people who are on our text list to share kind of what’s going on with them, like what their biggest challenge was. And loneliness was a really big one. And so I wanted to talk about something that you say that I think is really important. I’m going to just read what you said and then ask you to elaborate on it. You say that when researchers compiled the results from multiple studies that compared different approaches to beating loneliness, it emerged that the most effective method was to learn systematically and in therapy how loneliness affects our thought patterns and our perceptions of ourselves. What are those thought patterns and perceptions and why is understanding them a good antidote to loneliness?

00:41:03 – Anders Hansen
So loneliness is, as you may know, something that has attracted a lot of medical studies during the last decade. And we know now that loneliness is dangerous. And by that I mean long term involuntary loneliness because we have different social needs. But long term loneliness increases the risk of several forms of cancer. And the prognosis for all forms of cardiovascular disease is actually worse if you experience too much loneliness. And that is very strange. I mean, why is that? And the reason is probably that during almost our entire history, to be isolated, to be lonely meant that you would die to be part of the group. There you were safe by yourself, you were gone. So to be part of a group was as important as having food. And when you are isolated, you are in a state that historically meant that no one can save, there’s no one there to help you. And then your stress system is activated. You get more alert to danger. If you are a state when you’re isolated. And that actually makes sense. We’ve seen in studies that people who are isolated, who normally sleep with a partner and are isolated and sleep by themselves, they sleep more shallow, they have less deep sleep and wake up more often during the night. And that is strange. I mean, why would you wake up if you don’t have anyone tossing and turning in your bed? You sleep nice, right? The reason is probably that if you were isolated during our history and no one that was there to help you, no one that was there to warn you for danger, so you could not afford to get as much deep sleep. And we also know that people who experience loneliness, they look at others people as more hostile than they actually are. Neutral faces become slightly hostile. If you’re lonely, slightly hostile faces become very hostile. So the brain’s sensitivity to danger increases. When you are isolated, you see the world as more dangerous because there was no one there to help you in our past. That doesn’t make sense today. It does not make sense if you want to sort of reconnect with your friends to see them as hostile. And therefore it’s. One has shown that if you are isolated or lonely and learn about this, you will realize that I perceive the world as more threatening and dangerous than it actually is. And even more importantly, if you have people in your surroundings who experience loneliness, they might be slightly edgy, standoffishly, but that may be a symptom of loneliness. That may not be because they don’t like you. And this is not a sign of them not functioning. It’s actually a sign of them functioning exactly as they should.

00:43:50 – Eric Zimmer
Right. It’s a cruel irony, you know, it is a cruel irony, or even said differently, it’s a cycle that can perpetuate itself, right? That the more you’re alone, the more you distrust other people, which causes you to be more alone, which causes you to distrust more people. And it feeds on itself. And I think the point you’re making is if we know that we can work to actively, consciously counter that.

00:44:15 – Anders Hansen
Yes, exactly. And it’s very difficult, of course, and to understand this is how we’re built, this is how I function. Maybe that could be the first step to stopping this vicious cycle.

00:44:27 – Eric Zimmer
We addressed lifestyle factors just a little bit earlier talking about depression. And you have said that as you’ve learned more about this mind body connection, it’s caused you to sort of double down on sort of the old fashioned advice like eat your vegetables and get enough sleep and exercise. And I am similar. The more I’ve learned about how we function and the more I’ve paid attention to myself, the more I’ve realized how important those things are. And yet it’s such boring advice to give. Right? It’s much better to have some new neuroscience hack. But let’s connect some of the dots here for why these things that seem sort of basic actually are as important as they are.

00:45:09 – Anders Hansen
I mean, exercise is important, everyone knows that. But most people don’t know how incredibly important it is. It’s not just important for the body, but it’s also incredibly important for the brain. And the brain actually seems to be the organization that benefits the most from exercise. All of our cognitive functions, memory, creativity, the ability to focus, even intelligence, actually seems to be increased if we exercise, if we are physically active. And as a psychiatrist, the most interesting part is that we get protected from depressions and anxiety if we exercise. And exercise has been shown to be as effective an antidepressant as antidepressant medication. But for that, you need to raise your pulse three times a week for five minutes every time. And it will take five to six weeks before you get that effect. And that is often unrealistic. If you’re very depressed, you’re not going to go for a run. That’s not going to happen. So I think the role of exercise is more in protecting us against depressions and anxiety. And as you said, that’s not a new advice. People have known this for ages. But when you learn the science behind it, you might take it more seriously. I have certainly done that, and many of my patients have. And an interesting paradox is, if exercise is so good for the brain and for the body, then why are we lazy? I mean, that’s very strange, right?

00:46:31 – Eric Zimmer
Why would it be very strange? Yeah, I’ve asked that question a thousand times.

00:46:35 – Anders Hansen
Yes, and why is the brain actively avoiding doing something that is so good for itself? The answer is that during almost our entire history, we were threatened by starvation. And that meant that we should eat all the calories that we could find. However, the amount of energy that we have in our bodies is not just dependent on how much food we eat, it’s also dependent on how much energy we use. And it costs energy to move. That’s why we’re lazy. That’s why we want to stay in the couch. Almost all previous generations of humans had to pay for every step they took by getting new calories and they could not find the calories at the grocery store. They had to hunt them down. So it made a lot of sense to never use any energy in vain, so to speak. And I think if we could tell our ancestors that we go for a run and then we come back to the same place and then we start lifting heavy things up into the air and put them down again without achieving anything, they would say that you are crazy. To do something like that must be as crazy as throwing food into the ocean. So my point here is that we don’t want to exercise. We are lazy by nature, and not because there’s something wrong with us, but because we’re built that way. And that is an Achilles heel that we must try to overcome. And I was once, many times actually, by people who said that, you know, if you’re overweight, you obviously have excess calories, there’s no risk of starving. Why do you still want to be in the couch? And that’s a great question. And the answer is that we have never been overweight or obese during human history. So that has been a non existent problem. And therefore the brain interprets all weight loss, even if it’s from a high level, as threatening starvation. And it wants to avoid that, so it wants to keep us in the couch.

00:48:25 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah, yeah. That question used to drive me crazy because I’m like, if you understand reward learning, you would think, because literally every time I exercise, every single time, and it’s thousands and thousands of times now, I get done, and I’m like, I’m glad I did that. Like, oh, every time, you would think if reward learning was the only thing at work, that I would run to exercise. But obviously there’s more to it than that. And I think knowing this thing about exercise and how beneficial it is to our brain, like immediately for me, has been one of the keys to getting very regular at doing it, because I’m not doing it for a future reward. Although it’s great that I will get a future reward, it’s great that my chances of cardiovascular disease are lower. I’m doing it because I know that in an hour, when I’m done, I’m going to feel better than I feel now. And that for me actually helps me often get over that inbuilt laziness is because I’m not trying to connect the dots on something way out in the future, which we’re not very good at.

00:49:28 – Anders Hansen
Exactly. We are mammals for here and now. If we learn that if we exercise, the role of cardiovascular disease, two or three or four decades in the future is bumped down by 20 percentage point or something. We say, okay, that’s interesting. Will we change behavior because of that? Absolutely not. We don’t change behaviors for those things. And that’s why the effects on the brain of exercise are so important, because they are here and now. You will become more creative now if you exercise, Your memory will be boosted now if you exercise.

00:49:58 – Eric Zimmer
So I’d like to wrap up here with kind of where you wrap up, where you talk about the happiness trap. You say that we expect an unrealistic state. Right. And we’ve, we’ve evolved to map every experience against our expectations. There’s an old phrase out there that I’ve heard, something like, happiness is expectations divided by reality or something. Talk to me about how do we have realistic expectations around how happy we might be? How do we readjust these? As soon as you hear lower expectations, people think, well, that’s not good. So give me some framework on this.

00:50:38 – Anders Hansen
Yes, by advertising it meant and social media, we are led to believe that we should feel good all the time. And we are not built that way. And I always say to my patients that you are comparing your inner self to everyone’s exterior self and you don’t know what they are feeling. And they are certainly not feeling so well that they, they show often on social media. So I think we are putting a goal that is very, very difficult to achieve. And then we go around feeling broken all the time. And there’s actually been studies that shows that the more money is poured into advertisement in a country, the less satisfied its inhabitants are. Two years later, it’s very difficult to do such studies. There are many caveats to this, but maybe it gives you that the modern view of happiness that is given to us is causing us to be less happy because we’re comparing ourselves to something that isn’t possible. As I said, the best study on happiness was done at Harvard by Robert Waldinger. And I visited him a couple of months ago. And he is, I think, the sixth or seventh director of this study, which started in the 30s and there was Harvard students and there was people from Boston area and they were recruited in the 1930s, so it’s 90 years ago. And they did all number of medical tests and interviews and so on. And when they got children, the children got tested and did interviews and they had grandchildren. And now it’s, I think, the third or fourth generation. So there have been tons of data compiled. And the result is that what makes people happy long term is relationships close relationships, not superficial ones. And maybe you don’t need science to understand that. Maybe that is obvious. But I think these things exercise, sleep and meeting people in real life, you know, they are so obvious that we tend to forget them. And that’s why we need to learn more about the brain. Because when you understand what they do to the organ in which your experience of existence is being created, well, then you will take them more seriously. When you understand that you are lazy, not because you’re broken, because that’s how we build. You will sort of build your way around that Achilles heel. When you understand that social media presents us a picture that is toxic to us in the sense that we are comparing ourselves to something that is unrealistic, well, perhaps you will not expose yourself so much to that. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So the more we learn about our biology, I think the freer we become from our biology, the better we could work around these Achilles heels.

00:53:10 – Eric Zimmer
Well, wonderful. I think that’s a great place to wrap up. I really enjoyed your book and as I mentioned, it’s being released in the States. Several the year books have come out. So Americans, good news, more of his books will be available. They’ve only been available in European countries, largely up till now. So Anders, thanks so much for coming on.

00:53:31 – Anders Hansen
My pleasure. I hope you find your wallet.

00:53:34 – Eric Zimmer
I think that’s a lost cause, but I appreciate the optimism.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

The Science of Motivation: Insights on Goal Setting and Will Power with Ayelet Fishbach

December 6, 2024 Leave a Comment

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Feeling overwhelmed by holiday stress or the pressure to make everything perfect? Or maybe it’s the loneliness this season can bring. Either way, you’re not alone—and this year can be different. Join us for a free online webinar on Sunday, December 10, at 12 PM Eastern to learn a simple habit that can help you let go of stress and find peace, steadiness, and genuine connection. Give yourself this gift of support and clarity for the season. Sign up here.

In this episode, Ayelet Fishbach dives into the science of motivation and shares valuable insights on goal-setting and willpower. As a social psychologist and motivation scientist, her work involves understanding the intricacies of human behavior and environmental influence. Dr. Fishbach also shares a fresh perspective on intrinsic and extrinsic motivation and explains the importance of learning to nurture empathy toward our future selves.

Key Takeaways:

  • Master effective behavior change strategies to reach your full potential
  • Bust motivational myths and unlock your true drive
  • Craft powerful personal goals that propel you forward
  • Embrace the importance of intrinsic motivation for lasting success
  • Skillfully handle goal competition to stay on your path to achievement

Connect with Ayelet Fishbach: Website | Instagram |

If you enjoyed this episode with Ayelet Fishbach, check out these other episodes:

How to Integrate Behavior Change with Your Values with Spencer Greenberg

Behavior Change with Dr. John Norcross

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Episode Transcript:

00:02:59 – Eric Zimmer
Hi Ayelet, welcome to the show.

00:03:01 – Ayelet Fishbach
Thanks for having me. Excited to be here today.

00:03:04 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah, I’m excited to talk with you about your book called Get It Surprising Lessons from The science of motivation. But before we get into that, we’ll start like we always do, with the parable. There’s a grandparent who’s talking with her grand. And they say, in life, there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops and thinks about it for a second, looks up at their grandparents, says, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

00:03:41 – Ayelet Fishbach
It is such a great description of the work that they do. As someone who is both a social psychologist and a motivation scientist, which, you know, it’s kind of surprising to me that it fits. Well, let me explain how. The idea in social psychology is that we are all the result of our circumstances, respond to our environment, the profession that we pursue, the people that are our friends, how we choose to, like, spend our life, our hobbies, everything is the result of the situation. And then what motivation science adds to this is that, yes, but we can change our situation. And, you know, the simple example is that we set an alarm clock. So, yes, we sleep when we are tired and there is a quiet, dark room, but if we set an alarm clock, then we are going to get up because it’s hard to sleep in a noisy room. If we set a goal that changes how we see our performance, okay, that increases our motivation. If we create an environment in which there are certain foods, then this is what we are going to eat. And I think that this power will basically take it to a very general level that if we set our life such that it is easier and more natural to act on the good. Okay, if this is what we feed, then this is what we are going to do. And in a way, it kind of resolves this tension between the question of whether we respond to our situation or control our situation. We do both. We respond to what is out there. We can also manipulate what is out there so that we control our response. I would, however, change it to a grandmother and her granddaughter if I could.

00:05:37 – Eric Zimmer
Yes, we have gone back and forth on genders, you know, grandparent, grandchild, grandfather, grandchild, grandmother. We just kind of mix it up.

00:05:45 – Ayelet Fishbach
I see.

00:05:46 – Eric Zimmer
You’re welcome to have it be a grandmother and her granddaughter.

00:05:49 – Ayelet Fishbach
Okay.

00:05:49 – Eric Zimmer
Early on in the book, you said, how do you motivate yourself? The Short answer is by changing your circumstances, you modify your own behavior by modifying the situation in which it occurs. And I think that for people who don’t know much about motivational or behavioral science, that’s the step that we miss the most often. We think it’s just an internal thing. I just decide that I’m going to do something differently and then I do it. And if I don’t do it, it’s a failure of my will, it’s a failure of my willpower, it’s a personal failing. Whereas what we know is there’s a whole lot of things we can learn about how to make changes in our lives a lot more effectively so that we have a better chance to succeed. And we don’t need as much, you know, willpower or self control, even though we do need some of those things. Right. To the extent that we don’t rely on them exclusively really says a lot about how likely we are to be successful.

00:06:50 – Ayelet Fishbach
Absolutely. I think about the myths that people believe in in motivation science. That is the first one. I just. Either I didn’t try hard enough or I didn’t care enough. Okay. So I didn’t do something because it wasn’t important for me or because I couldn’t. Well, there is a third possibility that is probably the most likely explanation. You just did not set the situation right. You did not set yourself up for success. You know, I’ll stick to the example of food. When we are hungry, we eat what is in front of us. So telling yourself, when you are full, I’m just going to try very hard not to eat that food. That’s bad for me. Well, when you are hungry, you’re going to eat what is in front of you. So if you want to control what you eat, you want to make sure that what is in front of you are the foods that you would like to eat, you want to manipulate your situation.

00:07:51 – Eric Zimmer
I love that idea. You know, do we react to our circumstances or do we control our circumstances? And the answer is both. Right. We have varying degrees of each in certain circumstances where we do each. You just said something there. That was one of the things that struck me the most from your book. I’ve read a lot of these books and yours is excellent, but something really stood out. And it’s what you just said. And basically what you said in the book is try and set goals when you’re in a state similar to the state you’ll be in when executing them. And you just alluded to that with food. Like, don’t set the Goal of what you’re going to eat when you’re stuffed. Right. Because you’re going to feel differently. It’s the reverse of that adage, don’t go grocery shopping when you’re hungry. But so many of us set goals based on our very best version of ourselves. The me that got enough sleep, you know, the kids were away for the weekend, so I had lots of extra hours. We set our goals in these idealized states and then real life rolls around and we can’t achieve them. And I was just really struck by how wise that is.

00:08:50 – Ayelet Fishbach
Thank you. Thank you. Something that we know for a long time that people don’t have much sympathy to their future self or empathy, actually we call it, no, the lack of empathy to your future self. You see that when you are traveling to somewhere where it’s very cold, but right now it’s summer for you. And so you don’t really pack a code. We see this also in employment. And I’ve been teaching business students for a long time. And when you ask them about their future jobs, they plan their future job for someone who’s basically a robot. Someone who really cares about how much money they will make, but cares less about doing something that is interesting with the people that they like, about being challenged, about being curious. Now, it’s not that they don’t care at all, but in a way they say this future self, the mean few months from now, that person would really prioritize their future earnings above everything else. And guess what? That’s just lack of empathy to your future self. Because then you will have to get up in the morning and go and do that job. And we know that what predicts being able to do your job, being able to stick with employment, is the immediate gratification that you get from interacting with people that you like over solving problems that are interesting for you. And so, yes, set your goals, whether it’s what you eat or the job that you are going to have when you are in a similar situation to the situation that you will be at when you pursue that goal.

00:10:30 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah. And I think that leads us nicely into talking about intrinsic motivation, because you just sort of mentioned it there, right? It’s one thing to say, I’m going to go to work and I’m going to work in this situation. I don’t care if I like it, I don’t care how good it is because I want to get this money. That’s the extreme of extrinsic motivation. I’m doing this thing only because I’m going to get this other thing out of it. Whereas intrinsic motivation at the far other extreme would be, I’m doing this thing only because I love doing it. It seems to me that most of us with most things, you know, there’s going to be a middle ground between those two. And the closer we are to intrinsic motiv, the more likely we are to continue to stick with it. But would you agree that for a lot of things we do, we end up sort of between pure intrinsic and pure extrinsic motivation?

00:11:22 – Ayelet Fishbach
Absolutely. Intrinsic motivation is doing something as its own end. It’s a stroll in the park, it’s a nice meal with a friend. And many of the things that we need to do in life are not purely intrinsically motivated. They are not something that we do only because it it feels good while we are doing it. Extrinsic motivation is not bad. Extrinsic motivation is what gets us to do our annual medical checkup, is what gets us to save for retirement. It’s basically doing something that doesn’t feel good right now, but will benefit in the long run. Intrinsic motivation is doing something because it feels right at the moment, because doing it is like achieving the goal. And when people are intrinsically motivated, they’re going to really engage in the activity. They’re going to experience what sometimes people refer to as the flow. It feels right and it feels right at the moment. Now let’s take employment. Ideally, it’s not one or the other. Okay, well, it’s not just extrinsically motivating. You’re not only working for some future benefit. You’re actually enjoying what you’re doing. You actually get some immediate benefits from it. But you also want to walk thinking about your future self and thinking about supporting that person in the future. So it’s somewhere between. We often need to stick with relationship in bad times because we know that in good times we are intrinsically motivated to be in the relationship. Because there is nothing that feels better than being with this person that I love. But right now we are in an argument. And so most calls are somewhere in between. And that’s fine if you can increase the intrinsic motivation, eventually that predicts persistence better than extrinsic motivation. That is that the immediate feeling that that feels right, that predicts how much people exercise, how much they eat healthy food, how much they stick to their employment. Basically everything that we measured in our studies was better predicted by that immediate intrinsic motiv than friends of motivation.

00:13:43 – Eric Zimmer
So as you’re saying that intrinsic motivation is the best predictor of Engagement in just about everything. What I think is interesting is not only might a goal have a little bit of intrinsic and extrinsic motivation, as you sort of alluded to, even the same thing can slide along that scale. I think about playing guitar. For me, I used to play guitar because I loved it and I was hoping something was going to come out of it, like I was going to be a guitar player, I was going to make a living doing it. Well, that became obvious. It wasn’t going to happen. And I had to work really hard to reclaim playing the guitar just because I like to do it. Because every time I started to play, I’d think, oh, well, maybe I could record that. So I got back to I do it because I like it, but I also know that in order to like it, I like to get better at it. So I try and practice each day, even if on that day I don’t feel extrinsically motivated to do it. I know that the thing overall is extrinsically motivated. Or take this podcast as an example. I’m fortunate enough now that this is what I do for a living and I am very intrinsically motivated. But there are some days that I simply don’t feel like doing it because as a humans, we just have days where we don’t feel like doing anything. And so I think it’s just kind of interesting to look at that. What are some ways of making things more intrinsically motivating? So if we’ve got a job that’s, you know, okay, I’ve got some intrinsic motivation, but it’s also the way I have to make a living. You know, I feel like I need to be here. What are some ways to make it more intrinsically motivating?

00:15:10 – Ayelet Fishbach
Well, a lot in your question. First, you’re absolutely right that many activities that will be intrinsically motivating or are sometimes intrinsically motivating might not be intrinsically motivating. Right now. The one example that I have was learning to do stand up comedy. And we actually walked. We walked with the Second City here, which is an improv club. And it was interesting because we got into classes of people that just want to learn improvisation for the sake of feeling more confident as they interact with the people around them. So they’re not really trying to be a stand up comedian. They just want to feel a little bit more comfortable. And they get to these improv classes and they feel horrible, like they freeze. Oh, I’m supposed to move my body in a funny way and I be spontaneous and I Can think of that and what we call them. How about you set your goal for the first class as not feeling good, as challenging yourself, as struggling. So your goal is actually to feel a little bit bad, try to make it difficult. And you know, with that goal in mind, today I’m going to embarrass myself. Today I’m going to feel not so great about what I’m doing. People were able to overcome like first initiation. So today that’s going to feel bad. And in the future I will learn to enjoy. Okay, I will learn to get the intrinsic motivation in the sense of enjoyment. But how to increase intrinsic motivation? So, you know, one thing is to embrace the fact that intrinsic motivation might not happen the first time you do something. If you haven’t been running for a while and you go on a run. Exactly right.

00:17:06 – Eric Zimmer
Yep.

00:17:07 – Ayelet Fishbach
You can already complete my sentence. So, you know, give yourself a chance. It might take a while. Other ways. Well, you could bring some immediate benefits. You can try to make something more intrinsically motivated by the way you do. Some people like to walk while listening to music. I personally cannot do that, but when I went to study with high school students, it turned out that when you played music during math class, they were actually more engaged in the math. They were more motivated overall. The whole thing became more pleasant for them because music was playing. This is the same thing that we do when we bring music to exercising or TV to exercising. We do some. Something that is difficult, that might not be immediately pleasant, with some other things that make it more immediately pleasant. You know, healthy food that is tasty, that is colorful, that is beautiful is another example. Another strategy is to focus on what is immediately pleasant. Focus on the experience or try to be in the experience. Think about how you feel about it right now. It requires some practice, it requires some awareness. If you meditate, that could help. But really learning to observe how you are feeling right now and to focus on the positives. And then a third strategy that I would offer is just when you choose what to do, whether it’s your profession or your exercise routine or the food that you are going to eat or the people that you are going to interact with, well, take into account intrinsic motivation. Ask yourself how much I will enjoy that, how much it would feel right while I’m doing it, not after I’m doing it. I would give another example for that. This is a study where we offer people choice between two tasks. One was to listen to the song hey Jude by the Beatles, and the other one was to listen to a loud alarm Clock, you know what you would choose, right?

00:19:25 – Eric Zimmer
It’s pretty. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:19:27 – Ayelet Fishbach
But we offered more money for the alarm clock.

00:19:31 – Eric Zimmer
How much more money you think?

00:19:32 – Ayelet Fishbach
Like Thousands of dollars? 10% over the base pay? Really not much. We got about 70% of the people in this experiment to choose the loud alarm because it paid 10% more and they wanted the money and they regretted their choice. The majority of them said that they wish they made a little bit less money and had the Nissan. Yes.

00:20:34 – Eric Zimmer
So that’s interesting because we hear all the time in the workplace that money is not what motivates people. Right. And yet I think that that may ultimately be true in the long term. In the short term, I think people are often lured by money because it’s easier to quantify. It’s easier to go, oh, this new job is going to give me $20,000 more. Okay. It’s a lot harder to quantify all the intangibles that go around it. It’s a lot harder to know, well, is the company culture better? Well, I like the people. And so we go, okay, $20,000. I just want the money. Alarm clock. It’s like, well, I don’t know how unpleasant listening to the alarm clock is, but I know I’m going to get 10% more. So I could sort of fix that in my brain in some way.

00:21:22 – Ayelet Fishbach
Yes. As a decision scientist, I can tell you that if you want to influence people’s decision, give them some numbers. Okay. People like to use the numbers. Right. And so we know that when people seek employment, when they go to work, they are looking for drinks, some something that pays. Money is important, but they’re also looking to do something that is interesting with people that they like. And as you said, it’s hard to measure interest. It’s hard to measure like liking of the people and wanting to work with these people on whatever it is that we do. It’s very easy to say that next job is going to be like a 10% increase at what I’m making now. It’s easy to put too much emphasis on money. It’s not. The money is not important. It’s really important. We also know that money is important for other people and we think that other people care much less than us about doing something that is interesting with people that they like. And yeah, guess what? They also care about it. Not just me.

00:22:22 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah. It makes me think of something that you say in a different section and maybe we’ll get to it. But you’re talking about self control and you say a problem isn’t about self control. If it isn’t clear that one choice is a temptation, when both choices have potential, it’s simply a difficult decision. And I think that speaks to what we were just talking about, that deciding between two workplaces is a difficult decision. You know, it’s easy if it’s like, well, this place will pay me $100,000 a year, and I work 20 hours a week and everybody I met seems lovely, and this other place will pay me $50,000 a year. I’ve got to work 40 hours a week, and the people seem awful. Like, okay, that’s easy, right? It’s when it gets harder. And I love that fact or that idea that, you know, numbers make it easier to make a decision. We’re drawn to numbers because we can quantify it.

00:23:07 – Ayelet Fishbach
Yes.

00:23:08 – Eric Zimmer
So let’s go back to nearly the beginning of the book. I’ve been hopping all over the place. There’s been no chronology to this. But one of the things that you say about choosing a goal is you call it choosing a powerful goal, and you describe a powerful goal as something that feels exciting and not like a chore. So, you know, assuming we’re picking a goal like health, right? Like I want to be in better health, how do we frame that goal? How do we choose that goal in a way that makes it a powerful goal? Feel like something that’s not a chore?

00:23:41 – Ayelet Fishbach
Yes, a few things. Okay. First, we want to define the goal such that it is connected to an activity but is sufficiently abstract, is sufficiently general so that it doesn’t feel like a means. The goal is not something that I will do so that I can do something else. It’s the thing itself. So the goal is not maybe to lose weight, which, by the way, I don’t like that goal at all. So I can always use it as a bad goal. The goal is not to lose weight so that I can be attractive over summer. The goal is to feel comfortable, to feel attractive. Now I ask myself, what do I need to do in order to feel that I am an attractive person when I look in the mirror that I like myself? Powerful goals are also usually approach goals and not avoidance goals. So usually it’s something that you want to do and not something that you want to avoid. Again, losing weight is problematic because it’s usually about not doing. It’s about not eating. If you set your goal as exercising, as doing something, as eating certain foods, that’s easier, that is less likely to bring to mind the thing that you are trying to avoid. One reason why it’s so hard to overcome addiction is because that goal is usually an avoidance goal. You tell yourself that you should not be drinking. And now you ask yourself how good I am at sticking to this goal. Well, have I been drinking? Well, you know, now you are thinking about drinking. It’s like trying to end a bad relationship. And you ask yourself, do I still think about this person? And by checking, you bring to mind that person that you are trying to push off your mind. And so avoidance goals are problematic. Putting a number is often useful. We talked about the power of numbers. We like numbers. If you set your goal target as, let’s say, exercising five times a week here going be disappointed if you only exercised four times a week. So you kind of created the motivation to do this last thing because it will complete the goal in your mind. And then the last thing with setting a goal is that it has to be intrinsically motivating. That is, it’s a goal that doing it would feel a little bit or a lot like achieving it. Pursuing the goal and achieving the goal or fused together. It means that, like, you do this and you feel that it’s right, that you feel like you’re achieving the goal.

00:26:23 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah. As we were talking about intrinsic motivation, you know, another strategy that you write in the book that’s been really helpful for me is to shrink the distance as much as possible between the activity and the reward. Right. It’s why saving for retirement, so notoriously difficult. Right. It’s so far away. It’s the same way, like if I’m exercising so that I don’t get a heart attack in 20, 20 years, it’s different. When I reframed exercise for myself and went, I may enjoy it while I’m doing it, but even if I don’t enjoy it while I’m doing it, very shortly thereafter, I’m going to feel much better in my body. I’m going to feel better about myself. And so all of a sudden, the distance between the activity and the goal was shrunk. Maybe I can’t get all the way to. I’m exercising because it feels good, because sometimes it doesn’t. But I’ve been able in my own mind to shrink that distance down to 10 minutes. Ten minutes later, I know there’s going to be a good feeling.

00:27:19 – Ayelet Fishbach
With your example, you basically highlighted that by the fact that I set the goal that already means that it’s not 100% intrinsically motivating. Watching TV is intrinsically motivating. It’s fun. It feels good. As you do that. No one sets their goal to watch more TV or eat more ice cream. We set the goal to exercise because exercising requires that at least when you start it, you’re going to feel a little bit uncomfortable. It will take a while to kick in. But if you feel good toward the end of your workout or immediately after, then you have a much better chance than if you are counting on feeling good in 10 years from now or 20.

00:28:06 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah. Or even if you’re working out to look good. Like that’s a goal that’s coming over time. It comes, but it’s not as immediate. So you just mentioned that approach goals are, broadly speaking, better than avoidance goals. It’s better to say, I want this positive thing than I want to avoid this negative thing. Obviously, in some circumstances, I’m a recovering alcoholic and heroin addict, so I needed an avoidance goal at a certain point. Right. There was no getting around that, although there is certainly a way of even with that, focusing on what good things come into my life as a result of that. You know, so that’s not only not doing, you know, often talking with people who are early in recovery about, yeah, it’s what you’re giving up, but we also have to be looking at what you’re going to get. But you also say in the book, for some people, avoidance goals work better than approach goals, that there’s a personality element to this.

00:28:59 – Ayelet Fishbach
Yeah. So two things here. First, you’re right that avoidance calls are common, and they also have some sense of urgency. If you think that you should not do something, it sounds like you should not do it starting now. Okay. So. Right.

00:29:16 – Eric Zimmer
I guess.

00:29:17 – Ayelet Fishbach
Yeah, yeah. Like, if you say, I should not smoke, you don’t mean I should not smoke in a month from now. You mean I should not smoke starting today, versus if you say should eat more green vegetables or drink more water, well, this sounds like something that maybe I can start tomorrow or next week, and that’s fine. So avoidance goals have the element of urgency, and then there are individual differences. So some people respond more to avoidance goals. Some people are more in the mindset of avoiding danger, of avoiding sickness. Basically, they respond to warning more than others that are more attracted to approach goals. There was also something that I wanted to say as you were talking so openly about overcoming addiction, which is about framing. Often we have a choice about whether we want to think about our goal in terms of avoidance or approach. Am I trying to end a bad relationship or start a healthy relationship? Am I trying to avoid certain substance or, you know, approach others that are Healthier for me. How do I think about my leisure time? Are there activities that I should not engage in or are there activities that I should engage in? We do have a choice in how we think about our goals.

00:30:46 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah, I was just thinking as you were talking about TV and how nobody, you know, needs to set a goal to watch tv, but people will often want to set a goal to watch less tv. And what’s interesting though, in doing that is why, right? Why do you want to watch less tv? Generally, it’s because there’s something else that you want to be doing, there’s something else that you think is more valuable. But if I’ve not gotten clear on that, then it’s very difficult to do because not only will I be uncertain of why this goal is important, it will be entirely in avoidance and it won’t be an approach goal. Whereas if I go, okay, well, what I want to do is practice guitar two more hours each week. What’s getting in the way? Oh, it’s tv. Okay, well, now I know why I’m giving up two hours of tv. It’s for this positive. It’s for this good thing. It’s not just something I’m denying myself, you know, and so with anything, with eating differently, the more I’m able to frame that choice as not a self denial, but a self gift almost. You know, I’m eating healthy because I’m not denying myself bad food. I’m giving myself healthy food. I’m giving myself the chance to feel better. Like you’re saying it’s a total framing question.

00:31:55 – Ayelet Fishbach
I absolutely agree. I would say that this is also another nice example of overestimating willpower and making the mistake of thinking that it’s just a matter of wanting this strongly enough. If I just be determined not to watch tv, then I will not watch tv. But that’s not going to work. If I schedule time to play my guitar, either in my mind or with a friend or, you know, with a teacher, well, then I’m not watching TV because I’m playing my guitar.

00:32:25 – Eric Zimmer
Then I want to come back to something you just said there, which was with a friend or with a teacher, both of which things are social support and how important social support is in all this. And I want to get back there, but I want to hit what you just said because you said, well, I don’t play guitar. Now, I’m assuming the reason you don’t play guitar or another instrument is not because you’re intrinsically lazy. It’s because you have the same problem we all have, which is that we only have so much time, so we have to choose what we do. And so this really gets into the idea of competing goals. We have these competing goals, and if we’re not clear about them, we will often end up kind of going in circles. You know, just, I’m doing this, but then this starts to get in the way, so I stop doing that and then I do this. For me, the more I’ve been able to acknowledge competing goals, like, okay, these two things, I want to do them both. I can’t do them both. I mean, a great example for me was when I started this podcast. I also wanted to be in a band again. And I kept feeling bad that I wasn’t in a band. And I finally went and I looked at it. I went, my job makes me travel, and I’m trying to do this podcast. And if I want to do this podcast really well, then I can’t do both. And so I chose the podcast. I made a decision which you would call prioritizing versus compromising. So talk to us about goal competition and prioritizing versus compromising.

00:33:48 – Ayelet Fishbach
You know, a very good friend that usually gives the best advice once gave me really dumb advice. And the advice was if you, if you want to do something and you don’t have the time, just wake up an hour early. And you know, I always thought that this is a really dumb advice because, you know, if you wake up one hour early earlier, then you go to sleep one hour earlier because you still need your full night. And so that really doesn’t work. There is really only 24 hours in a day, and some of them you will spend sleeping.

00:34:20 – Eric Zimmer
Yep.

00:34:21 – Ayelet Fishbach
Right. So you have to start with that. There is so much that you can do and accept it and be willing to work with. This is the first step. And then, you know, we all want to do many things and the first thing to decide is whether we are trying to create balance. We want to do a little bit of this and a little bit of that, or are we trying to prioritize? Are we trying to put something ahead of other things? Okay, so do I want to create a balance between staying late in bed and reading a book in the morning and exercising in the morning, or do I want to put exercising ahead of of this hour in bed in the morning with social media or book or what’s not? If we decide to prioritize, then it’s a matter of self control. So now we have something that we want to do more than another thing and we can talk about the strategies of self control, which is not about willpower, okay? It’s not about saying, I really need to do it. It’s about changing the situation so you have a better chance. But if I want to to strike the right balance, it’s really about planning. It’s really about thinking. Well, on some days I’m going to be reading in bed. On other days I’m going to get up early and exercise. And maybe it’s a weekday versus a weekend. And it’s really a matter of how I’m going to organize my life so that I can do all the things that I enjoy doing or the things that are important for me. And the strategies that involve monitoring multiple goals, which we all have all the time. Start with asking this simple question, am I trying to find the compromise? Or prioritize one over the other.

00:36:07 – Eric Zimmer
So an example of this would be, if I want to prioritize my career, then I am probably going to spend more time on my career than I am. Let’s say I have a family with my family. Versus the compromise would be, you know what? I really want to strike a balance between those two. Or going the other direction, I’m really going to prioritize the family, which means that I’m going to spend less time on career and we’ll get the results accordingly, right? I mean, again, we can’t control external results. But generally speaking, if I spend more time with my family in an intentional way, it’s probably going to be better. And if I spend more time on my career an intentional way, it’s probably going to go better. And I think that making that decision is so important. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the book. I think it’s called 10,000 weeks by a guy named Oliver Berkman. It’s a book about time management. The book comes down to him basically saying you have to face the existential fact that A, you’re going to die, B, you only have so much time, and that when you continue to think you can do all these different things, you’re just deceiving yourself. You have to choose. You have to really think about what’s important, and then you have to choose, which is very much common sense, but not necessarily what a lot of us do. Why do you think that a lot of people are jumping from goal to goal to goal to goal? You know, like this week it’s meditation practice, and then a month later it’s working on my exercise. And then I think I need to take up journaling. And then I’M not like building on these things. I’m sorry. Of doing one for a little while and I’m jumping ship and I’m picking up the next thing. Why do you think that’s happening?

00:37:50 – Ayelet Fishbach
So part of it is a healthy variety seeking.

00:37:53 – Eric Zimmer
Okay, okay.

00:37:54 – Ayelet Fishbach
When we talk about exercising, it’s actually for many people a good strategy to jump around. Well, also, quite literally, but also jumping between, you know, Pilates on. On one week and yoga on the other and then running, swimming, whatever, that’s actually often good for your body, that good for your spirit because you’re more interested. So no problem with that. The problem with jumping between goals is, well, what if they undermine each other? So what if you decided that you are going to save money and then you also go on like a shopping spree on the next week because, like it was a week before that you decided to save today. You have something else in mind or, you know, you. You decide to eat certain foods on one day, but then completely undo it on the following day or on the next meal. And then we say, well, here balancing between your goals doesn’t make. Makes sense. We also found in studies that sometimes people balance in advance. So because I think that I will be eating more healthily tomorrow, I feel that it’s right to indulge now. And, you know, then it makes no sense because you basically use the future as an excuse. Because I’m going to do what’s good for me, then, yeah, I can spend money or lose my temper or eat unhealthy food right now. So these patterns of juggling between was unhealthy and require more planning. Now why people do that? Why people tell me on Monday that they are in a program of eating healthier food and on Tuesday that they are into baking cookies? Well, because we respond to the situation. This is where we started.

00:39:54 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah.

00:39:54 – Ayelet Fishbach
Circumstances affect what we do. And, you know, the people around us suggest some ideas and we want to try it out. And unless we are able to step out and kind of look at what we do from some distance. The psychologist Esther Pappys has these studies about teaching people to think about their temptations as ideas in their mind. You don’t need to act on it. You can just acknowledge that you have this thought, okay. That this is something that courses your mind and you can engage with it. Think about it. Ask yourself how interesting it is that you have these ideas and you don’t necessarily have to act on them in a way to counteract the effect of situational crimes. Okay. Of these cues that lead us to do things that then we look at ourselves and say, oh, well, that was completely, completely inconsistent with the person that I want to be.

00:41:21 – Eric Zimmer
The other reason we do some goal hopping is another point you make in your book. You call it the middle problem or the problem of the middle, which is that things are exciting in the beginning and they’re exciting in the end. In between, they’re often not. So I think a lot of times we get off to a start and we’re like, all right, I’m exercising and it’s good. I’m making these changes that feel good. And then it becomes kind of normal, and we’re going along. And then somebody says, you know, boy, meditation really changed my life. And we’re like, oh, well, that sounds good, because we’re in the boring middle part. And so we jump out and meditation in the beginning feels very exciting. And then we get into the middle. And so that insight that the middle is problematic. Talk a little more about that.

00:42:05 – Ayelet Fishbach
Yes, that’s the problem with middles or the middle problem. And the middle problem happens every time we have a goal that takes more than two seconds. There is a beginning, an end, and a middle. And our motivation is very high. At the beginning, we are starting on something. We are excited. We perceive fast progress toward the end. Also, like, we are almost there, so we see fast progress, and we want to get there. In the middle is when it’s hard to see progress. Your actions feel like drop in the ocean. And so it’s just hard to stay motivated. We saw in one study, that was a cute study. We went in Israel around the Hanukkah holiday. If you’re unfamiliar with the tradition, if you are observing Hanukkah, the only thing that you need to do is light the menorah on eight consecutive nights. So it’s really not very hard. Except that around 70, 80% of our participants, the people that we surveyed in the study, were lighting the manoir on the first day. The majority of them were lighting the manoa on the last day. And in the middle, they were not really doing it. Kind of forgot about their goal. We see that some interventions are directed to tackle the middle problems. So Katie Milkman’s the Fresh Start Effect comes to mind as a way to think about Monday is the beginning of the week, or the first day of the month, or your birthday or a holiday, as a reset, as a start, so that it helps you to go back to the energy that you had at the beginning. What I often suggest is to have goals that use time brackets. Use these time brackets wisely. An exercise goal should be probably a weekly goal. So if you set yourself to exercise for 150 minutes this week, then there is a beginning, there is end, there is not a long middle. If you think about exercising we now at the end of your life, then everything is a middle. Saving goals the same. It’s really hard to save for retirement. We mention it because it’s so far. But if we set it as a monthly saving goals or an annual saving goals, now there is a beginning, there is end. The middle is not so long so that you forget that you even have this goal on your plate.

00:44:34 – Eric Zimmer
I think that’s such wise strategy. Changing direction just a little bit. I want to think about something like practicing guitar. These are things for me, meditating, exercising, that are things that I don’t have an end point in mind. I’m not practicing guitar so that I can learn to play this one song, then I’m done. I’m not meditating, you know, so that I can have 20 minutes of feeling happy. So these are things that go on and on and on. Is it okay to have things that go on and on and on? Or is it really helpful, even with something like that, to put some milestones in place to sort of keep it a little more interesting?

00:45:15 – Ayelet Fishbach
Yeah. So, you know, the psychologist Wendy Wood talks about habits. And the idea with habits is that. But you don’t really need to motivate yourself anymore. You just do it because this is who you are. You brush your teeth in the morning because you’ve been doing it for many years. You don’t need to motivate yourself. You don’t need to help your future self do that. So, you know, to the extent that you can make something a habit, you get home, the guitar is there, and you play a few songs. Great. Maybe you don’t need to motivate yourself. The thing is that for many of our girls, they are never completely a habit. They take exercising. Many of us, like adults. I’ve been exercising for our entire life. They have been on and off, and some days more than others. But we are not new to exercising. And nevertheless, it is never quite on the level of brushing our teeth. I still need to push myself to start every morning.

00:46:18 – Eric Zimmer
Is that because the level of effort? I’ve wondered about this question a lot because I exercise very, very consistently. Every time I’m done, 100% of the time, I’m like, that was a good decision. It seems like I should just do it. But it’s not that way. Is that just simply because it takes such an amount of effort and we’re wired to not put forth that amount of effort without a very good reason?

00:46:41 – Ayelet Fishbach
I believe. So we are really wired to just sit there and do nothing if the environment doesn’t make us move. Right. Like we are animals.

00:46:51 – Eric Zimmer
Like my dogs in the other room, they’re not moving unless there’s a good reason to.

00:46:55 – Ayelet Fishbach
Exactly, yeah. Unless the male person is there. Why move?

00:46:59 – Eric Zimmer
That certainly makes sense. So something like exercise ends up, I think, being somewhere short of a habit, but more than. I don’t quite know what to call it. Right. Because, like, I always know that for me, there’s some momentum to it. Like I’m exercising, it’s, you know, yeah, I have to push myself a little bit bit, but not that hard compared to if I were to stop exercising and three months, take it back up, the initial amount of effort to get that going would be way more than the amount of effort it takes me to do it. The amount it’ll take me tomorrow might be like a one on the effort scale to push through. If I were to quit and be starting cold, it might take like an 8 level of effort to get me moving. So it’s somewhere short of a habit. But get some of that habit momentum going.

00:47:43 – Ayelet Fishbach
Yes. You just pointed out another reason why many goals don’t become a habit. Because at one point life will interfere with it.

00:47:51 – Eric Zimmer
Yes.

00:47:51 – Ayelet Fishbach
Right. Because you will be traveling and you cannot fit your exercising routine to the travel because you are a parent and you now have children on summer break. And that really doesn’t work anymore because you move to a different state where you cannot quite do what you did before. Life interferes with our habits. We need to be agile, we need to be flexible. And so we constantly need to motivate ourselves to adjust and do something different.

00:48:22 – Eric Zimmer
Let’s talk about incentives. So a little while ago we talked about how ideally, intrinsic motivation, the more intrinsically motivating something is, the more likely you are to do it. If it’s intrinsically motivated, you may not need incentives as much. Talk to me about the role of incentives. You lay this out in the book pretty clearly. There are good ways of incenting ourselves, and there’s ways that incentives sort of backfire on us. So let’s talk about incentives a little bit.

00:48:50 – Ayelet Fishbach
There is so much that we can say about incentives. There is a field of behavioral economics that is basically obsessed with incentives, with monetary incentives. That and research in psychology, starting by studying food incentives and how they work with animals, learning and so I would say that both psychology and economics have been obsessed with incentives for a really long time. And what we have learned is that incentives usually work. Incentives are usually the small things that we get on the way to reaching our goal. It’s the prize on the way there. So the real reason why you exercise is because you want to be in good shape, you want to be healthy, but you can also incentivize yourself with a nice cup of ladder by the end of a difficult exercise. So it’s a small thing that you get for pursuing your goal. Incentives work, but sometimes they have really unexpected, funny effects. And in my book, I tell the story of Hanoi in Vietnam, back at the beginning of the 19th century, when French colonials were trying to get rid of the rest that were running the street of Hanoi. And what they did was creating a bounty system where they paid residents of Hanoi $0.01 per dead rat. So you can imagine what happened, right? The incentive worked. People were giving ton of dead rats. They just had to bring the ton of dead rats tails to claim the reward. But there were more live rats running the street of Hanoi because it turned out that live rats is a source of income. So sometimes incentives have this funny effect where you would actually influence what people do, but in the wrong way. They will do what did not plan them to do. Other times, incentives backfire. We pay kids to do something and they conclude that it’s not fun to do. We did a study a few years ago when we told kids that eating certain foods will help them count to 100 or will help them learn how to read. And they didn’t want to eat these foods. In this case, what happened is that these kids, they were around ages 3 to 5, concluded that if the food is something that will make you learn how to count, then it’s more like medicine than food that it’s not something that you will enjoy eating. And so incentives can lead to funny behaviors, often the opposite of what you intended. They can also sometimes not work at all. And other times they do work. How to set good incentives? Well, try to make them such that they create a justification without an over justification, so that the incentive is a good reason to do the activity, but not such a good reason that it overrides the original reason to do the activity. It’s not the only reason that you do something. Also, uncertain incentives are often better than certain incentives because they add an element of surprise. It’s a bit of a game. Not every time I exercise, I will reward myself with a cup of latte, okay? But sometimes I will. So, you know, I keep exercising, thinking about this nice reward which maybe like once a week I will give myself. And that works better than having the incentive every time you perform the activity.

00:52:30 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah. You’ve got a couple great questions to ask yourself when coming to incentives. And one of them that I love is what would be the easiest route to achieve these incentives? What potential shortcuts exist? If the easiest route doesn’t pull you towards making progress on your goals, you’re using the wrong incentives. And I assume with the rats, the problem was people concluded if they created more rats, they could kill more rats. So what’s the easiest route to achieve the incentive? Well, the easiest route to achieve the incentive is breed your own rats versus going and chasing them down. So I love that question because I think it’s a really good one. And whether we’re thinking about our own incentives or even when we’re creating incentives for our children or incentives in the workplace or anywhere that we’re trying to incent behavior, it really is worth thinking through what ways could this go wrong? Because the number of different ways incentives can go wrong is genuinely usually pretty hilarious.

00:53:21 – Ayelet Fishbach
Here’s a personal example from a few years back when there was a period of time in history where we all thought that we needed to walk and thought thousand steps a day. And you know, some people still believe in it. I am absolutely sure that it’s important for us to walk and adding more steps is beneficial, but the 10,000 number is really just a motivational tool. There is nothing specific about this number that is healthier than another number. Anyways, I found myself not biking to walk, but walking because biking did not give me steps. Right now this is ridiculous because like biking is good for you, it doesn’t give you the steps, but it definitely works on a different group of muscles that worth attending to. And so the risk in thinking that you need to walk 10,000 steps a day was that you cut out all other forms of exercising because 10,000 steps is too much time to allow for anything else. And so just think about how the incentives are going to influence your behavior and where there are some unintended consequences that you can foresee. I would also say that it’s often really hard to know in advance. In particular when we incentivizing the people around us and parents often incentivize kids. It’s really hard to know without trying. We try way to predict and maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t. So just try an incentive system and if it doesn’t work, just put it in the trash, move to something else. You’re just experimenting. And I’m all for running experiments, right? I’m a scientist. So run these experiments with yourself. Learn what works for you, what kind of incentives work for you, and what’s the best way to get yourself to exercise? 30 minutes a day or an hour?

00:55:16 – Eric Zimmer
Interestingly, that 10,000 steps thing, I’ve got this fitness tracker on my wrist here. It’s called a whoop. And the reason I like the whoop, although it’s not perfect, it’s got a lot of work to do. The reason I like it is that it attempts to give you what it calls a strain score or an effort score. What it’s trying to do is add up everything you do that day into sort of a total amount of effort you put out. So that means if you’re swimming, if you’re running, if you’re biking, if you’re cleaning the house, if you’re going up and down the stairs, it just incentivizes movement. And I like that idea generally. Right. I like the idea generally that all those different things add up and they all matter and they all count, and that each day what I’m able to do is going to be very different. But if I prioritize moving my body whenever I can, good things will come. So it’s why I kind of like this thing. Now. The strange thing about this thing, it loves house cleaning. So if I’m not careful, if I wanted to get a great whoop score every day, I would just clean my house all day long and I would have the best whoop scores ever.

00:56:18 – Ayelet Fishbach
And a clean house.

00:56:19 – Eric Zimmer
An overly clean house. Yeah. So again, incentives can go wrong. But I do like this because it gives me a broader score. And like you said earlier, I’ve always found with exercise, for me, that I do something for a while and then I’m like, I’m kind of bored of that. Let me try something else, you know? So I’ve done little of everything over the years, which turned out to be helpful in sticking with it. I’m like, I’m going to do boxing, I’m going to do Pilates, I’m going to do rock climbing. You know, it just keeps things interesting.

00:56:43 – Ayelet Fishbach
I agree. And, you know, the nice thing about your example is that it, again, illustrates the power of numbers.

00:56:49 – Eric Zimmer
Yes.

00:56:50 – Ayelet Fishbach
And the reason numbers are powerful is because they make it really easy to monitor progress, and that is to feel like you are making progress. Okay. Imagine running a treadmill without any progress queue.

00:57:03 – Eric Zimmer
Okay?

00:57:04 – Ayelet Fishbach
So there’s nothing like you don’t know how many miles. You don’t know how much time. Like, yeah, you would feel lost after two minutes. Like, what am I doing? I’m not moving in space. I. The time is not moving right? Like there’s nothing. Like, we need feedback. We need to feel that we are making progress and we need to feel that we have made progress until now. Okay? So we need to be able to look back and say, well, this is how much I have done today or this is how much I’ve done this week or this year. And we need to also be able to look ahead and say like, this is how much I still need to do. And numbers make it very tangible. You can monitor progress very easily.

00:57:44 – Eric Zimmer
Yeah, tracking and monitoring progress is so important. Well, we are at the end of our time. You and I are going to continue in the post show conversation for a couple minutes and we’re going to talk about a really important thing, which is how do we learn from negative feedback? We talk so much in our culture about failure is good, failure is good, but not if we don’t learn from it. So you and I are going to talk in the post show conversation about how we actually can learn from our mistakes. Listeners if you’d like access to the post show conversation, a special episode I do each week called A Teaching Song and a poem and the pleasure of supporting a show that you love to oneyoufeed.net join thank you so much for coming on the show. It’s been such a pleasure. I really enjoyed the book and I’ve really enjoyed this conversation.

00:58:26 – Ayelet Fishbach
Thank you so much for having me. Eric. That was a pleasure.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

Changing How We Choose with David Redish

December 3, 2024 Leave a Comment

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Feeling overwhelmed by holiday stress or the pressure to make everything perfect? Or maybe it’s the loneliness this season can bring. Either way, you’re not alone—and this year can be different. Join us for a free online webinar on Sunday, December 10, at 12 PM Eastern to learn a simple habit that can help you let go of stress and find peace, steadiness, and genuine connection. Give yourself this gift of support and clarity for the season. Sign up here.

In this episode, David Redish explains why we should be thinking about changing how we choose and explores the process of decision-making. He discusses the systems our brains use to make decisions and how these systems interact and influence our choices, from everyday decisions to complex moral dilemmas.

Key Takeaways:

  • The three decision-making systems in our brains and how they function
  • How the way we frame questions can dramatically alter our decisions
  • The role of morality as a tool for fostering cooperation and mutual benefit
  • Practical strategies for aligning our actions with our values
  • The complex nature of addiction and its relationship to decision-making

Connect with David Redish: Website | TedTalk

If you enjoyed this episode with David Redish, check out these other episodes:

David Redish (Interview from 2015)

How to Think More Clearly and Make Better Decisions with Shane Parrish

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Episode Transcript:

Chris Forbes

Thanks for joining us back on the show after many years, is David Redish, a professor of neuroscience at the University of Minnesota. His laboratory studies learning, memory and how animals, including humans, make decisions. David has worked extensively on the consequences of understanding those decision processes in the world we live in, including consequences for psychiatry, sociology, economics and morality. Today, David and Eric discuss his new book, changing how we choose the new science of morality. 

Eric Zimmer  2:59  

Hi, David. Welcome back to the show.

David Redish  3:01  

Thank you for having me. It’s good to be back.

Eric Zimmer  3:03  

Yeah. I mean, we had you on a long time ago. When was it 2015

David Redish  3:08  

Yeah, I looked it up recently. It was 2015 Wow.

Eric Zimmer  3:11  

Okay, well, that would have been in our second year, and we’re creeping up on our 10th year. So yeah, thank you. Thank you. You’ve got a new book out called changing how we choose the new science of morality, and we’re going to discuss that in a moment, but we’ll start like we always do with the parable. In the parable, there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life, there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops. And they think about it for a second, and they look up at their grandparent and they say, Well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

David Redish  3:59  

It’s a great parable. I have to admit that the first time I heard it was on the show in 2015 and I see it everywhere now it became very interesting to me. I think the parable is really about the kind of person you want to be, and importantly, how the kind of person you want to be changes the decisions you make, which is really interesting to me, because one of the things that we now know is a lot of the decisions we make, a lot of the actions we take, are done very quickly. That is that in the moment, there isn’t a lot of processing going on. And what that means is, what really matters is, how did you build up the learning to that moment? And one of the things that’s very interesting, and I think is under appreciated by many people, is that when we talk about learning. Thing that leads to decision making. It’s not just learning like the facts of the world, but you learn your own motivations, and you learn your own goals. And you know, we can talk about learning for ourselves what to do in this moment. And I think a lot of that parable is really about changing the information process that’s going to happen in that moment, so that you take the action for the kind of person you want to be. And I think it’s a wonderful parable for really understanding that kind of complexity. Yeah,

Eric Zimmer  5:41  

I think that’s a great way of phrasing it. And I’m really interested in getting into these questions about, How do we decide? And like you said, What is the accumulation of things that have brought me to this point where that’s the decision? You know, in Buddhism, we would call it conditioning, and we are all the result of countless causes and conditions. Yeah, right, absolutely. And so trying to figure out what I, you know, I’m putting, I’m doing air quotes. What I want is a very complicated thing is we’re going to get into some of your work that’s going to show us. So in order to get where I want to get, we’re going to have to go through a couple of slightly technical areas here, so listeners just hang in there, because I think where we’re headed is a big payoff. But we’re going to be talking some theory here for a minute. And so I think that the first thing we need to do is lay out,

David Redish  6:34  

can I respond to one thing you said that actually, I think is, yeah, really interesting is the eye point that you made with the air quotes, because one of the things that’s really come to the fore, honestly, since 2015 which is interesting, is that a lot of current theories of consciousness are based on your observation of yourself. So humans are social creatures. It’s one of the things that makes humans particularly unique is just how social we are. I mean, other animals are social, but they’re social in other ways, and we evolved ways to understand each other in terms of this kind of complexity and agency. And then we observe ourselves taking actions, some of which may or may not always be the obvious one we thought we wanted. And current theories of consciousness are that we have applied that social understanding of others to an observation of ourselves. And so there’s a really interesting, oh, I’m the one that did that is part of our definition of who we are. I think that’s a very interesting perspective on that idea, right?

Eric Zimmer  7:48  

And I think the other thing that more modern ideas of consciousness seem to be positing, and they’re talked about in different ways and referenced in different styles, is that there’s really not a coherent me that’s in here. It’s not one thing, right? We’re gonna talk about the three ways that you believe decisions get made. So that points to there’s these three different deciding systems. You know? There’s a psychology internal family systems, which posits that we have all these different parts, and that there is one part that is sort of the core self. But there’s lots of different theories of this that strike to the heart of what Buddhism has been saying for a long, long time, which is that if you really look closely, you can’t find you as a discrete thing. What you find is lots of different processes running and happening, and competing priorities and goals and different feelings, and just a lot going on in there. And yet, there is some thing that appears to be observing that, right? So it’s interesting to me, because I think the modern psychology neuroscience is coming together and echoing some of those more ancient ideas about what’s going on inside of us. So maybe we should head from here into talking about how people make decisions, and you talk about three, possibly a fourth way that humans decide. So before we go into that, give me an example of the type of decision we might be talking about here.

David Redish  9:26  

So for me, and I think for neuroscience in general, the question of what is a decision becomes such a ugly, philosophical, you know, rabbit hole that I want to punt on the whole question of what is a decision, and I’m going to simply say, if you’ve taken an action, then I’m going to call that a decision. Okay, any action? Okay? So that could be lifting your arm, that could be hitting a baseball, that could be diving into the river to save a drowning child, you know? And. Any action

Eric Zimmer  10:01  

is going solitary versus writing your book, that kind of thing, absolutely,

David Redish  10:05  

and I didn’t know anything big actions, right? Big actions like, where did you go to college? It includes emotional actions like falling in love, right? And the key is that if we re ask the question in terms of, why did you take that action? How did you take that action? It actually becomes a very measurable scientific question that almost unasks All that decision making stuff. Okay, so what we find is that there are at least three, I guess four, if you include reflexes, there’s some evidence. There may be some, some other ones that are more complicated, but three big ones that really speak to most of humanity. And those three are, first of all, what we call deliberative or planning systems. And these are literally imagining the future and then evaluating it. It’s like running a little war game in your head, or simulation, right? If you don’t want to do it, war game, we can do simulation right, a little oh, what would it be like if I went to this college? What would my life be like? What if I took this job, right? And you run that simulation, you imagine yourself into that future, a mentally time travel. The term is actually called mental time travel into that future, and then you run that simulation. So

Eric Zimmer  11:32  

say, I’m trying to make a decision, I would create a pro and con list. Would that be the deliberative system at work? Exactly? Okay, exactly.

David Redish  11:39  

And people often think it’s logical. I don’t want to suggest it’s logical, because a lot of what it is is actually emotional, of, oh, that sounds like a lot of fun, or, Oh, that sounds really boring, right? I mean, yes, pro and con lists are definitely part of that deliberative system. But the key is that it’s an actual imagined future. It is, of course, therefore, very slow, but it’s very flexible, right? I can imagine, you know, doing something stupid and then not do it, right? I don’t have to actually take the action to imagine it, yeah. The problem with that is it’s very slow. If you’re going to do something that’s quick, like hitting a baseball or responding in the moment to a, you know, playing a jazz concert, right? If you’re doing, you know, back and forth with somebody else in trading fours or something, you know, you don’t have time to go and think through that imagined scenario, right? You say, Okay, if I put my arm in just this way and I swing just this way, you struck out. You know, you just, you literally don’t have the time. So that’s a second system, that system we call procedural. People I’ve talked to like to say you should think of it as muscle memory. I’m not so fond of that term because it’s not in the muscles, it’s a different part of the brain, but I think colloquially, it captures some of what people think of that it can be quite complicated, like driving to work, if you drive to work the same way every day, then you’re using that memory system, that decision system, that procedural system. So

Eric Zimmer  13:09  

that procedural system isn’t necessarily just incredibly fast things, it’s also once something becomes what we would think of as a true habit, meaning we do it without thinking about it

David Redish  13:21  

exactly. And in fact, sports stars often talk about being, quote, in the zone, right? And what that means is that their procedural system is running really smoothly. So what the procedural system is doing is recognizing situations in the world and then responding to them with well practiced actions. So this is, very importantly, a completely different set of neural circuits. So if we use something like the functional magnetic resonance imaging, which is a technology that can look inside your brain and see which parts of your brain are active, a completely different set of circuits will be active if you’re doing something procedural than if you’re doing something deliberative.

Eric Zimmer  14:01  

Can I ask you a question about fMRI? Because I hear criticisms of fMRI from time to time saying, like, it’s not really telling you anything, and the criticism is often leveled at spiritual teachers who are trying to talk about something they don’t understand. I’m guilty of that from time to time. But as somebody who’s actually in the science like works you know, in this world, how accurate a picture do you think fMRI is giving us of what’s going on? So

David Redish  14:28  

you have to think of fMRI as a tool and as a tool. It’s an excellent and very powerful tool, but it’s not a magic item, and part of the problem is that it gets oversold what fMRI is actually measuring is how active how much work that part of the brain is doing. So when your brain is doing certain amounts of work, and different parts of your brain work for different things, right? You have a visual cortex in the back of your head. So if you’re looking at something that’s changing very quickly. Body, your visual cortex in the back your head is going to do a lot of work, whereas your auditory cortex, as we’re talking to each other, is also doing a lot of work right now. But honestly, your somatosensory your touch cortices are not doing that much work right now. They would be if you were, say, you know, reading braille or something. If you were, you know, feeling something, trying to understand a certain texture, right? So what happens with fMRI is you can measure that and so you can say, Ah, this part of the brain is active, is doing a lot of work. Now, it turns out, particularly in cortical areas, that that level of work can get pretty fine tuned. It’s different in different brains, but the kind of reading mind stuff is real to a limited extent. So for example, I can tell if you’re thinking about faces or houses because your visualization of faces and your visualization of houses happens to be in pretty different parts of your brain. Yeah, right. It would be like, think about it this way. You’re measuring the electricity going to a building. And if one building in, you know, New York City is made of jets fans, and another building is made of, you know, Giants fans, right? And the giants are playing that day, the building that is almost all Giants fans will have a lot more electricity, yeah, right, because all their TVs will be on, they’ll all be watching the game. I’m on the fly, so I don’t know how good analogy this is works. What fMRI is measuring is the amount of electricity that’s going through. In this case, blood. Yeah, right. In the use case, actually, it’s not blood. It’s technically the parts of the brain. When it works harder, it asks for more blood, and so more blood goes to that part of the brain, but it doesn’t need any more oxygen. The parts that it needs from the blood is something else. Honestly, it’s not my field. I don’t actually know what it is. I don’t even know if it’s known, but what it means is, you get more blood, but it uses less oxygen, so there’s more oxygen in the blood, and that’s what’s detectable by fMRI got it. So think of it as like, there’s more something being supplied to that part of the brain, yeah. And what that means, though, is that I can ask somebody to do something procedurally or deliberatively, and what I find is different parts of the brain are working at different times. And

Eric Zimmer  17:24  

when you say different parts of the brain, you use the word circuits earlier. And I’ve heard people start to talk about networks, meaning it may not be just one part of the brain. It may be parts of the brain that are linking together in a certain way, or it’s a little bit more than just like this teensy little part of your brain is the one that’s doing everything. Is that an accurate way to think of absolutely,

David Redish  17:45  

the way I like to say it is, if I took that piece of your brain out and put it in a little dish, it wouldn’t do anything. Yeah, right? Yeah. It’s like taking the steering wheel out of the car and putting it in the street. Got it right? It’s not gonna steer. That doesn’t mean that the steering wheel is the same as the tires. Yep.

Eric Zimmer  18:04  

Okay, we had gotten through, I believe, the deliberative and the procedural and, you know, basically different parts of the brain are working depending on what what’s going on there. So what’s the next type?

David Redish  18:18  

There’s a third system, and it’s really important, because a lot of the old psychology theories will talk about two processes, and there’s actually three. It’s really important because the third one is as different from either the other two as they are from each other. And this third one I like to call instinctual now, but is within the field called Pavlovian, because it’s what Pavlov’s dogs were doing. The problem is that it confuses everybody when they think about it, because we all have this psychology, 101, we heard about Pavlov and stuff, and so I’m going to call it instinctual to separate it from that. Again, colloquially, people talk about it as like going with the gut, but again, it’s not your gut. It’s a different part of the brain, and it is a third circuit in the brain that is completely different from the other two. And what this one is, which turns out to be much more important than people used to think. This third one is a set of species important behaviors, some of them very complicated, that are available immediately, but you learn when to release so classically, fight or flight, right? But also going out to help somebody diving into the river to save a drowning child, turns out to be this instinctual system, running away from a fire, right, running away from the lion, right? But it turns out it’s also complicated things like posture and submit, right? If you have two people, one kind of, you know, yelling at the other. I always love that scene in the Black Panther movie, the first one, where they’re in this big battle and. The guy looks over and sees that his girlfriend and all the women are fighting with all the guys, and there he’s like, this is horrible. And he throws his sword down and kneels in front of her, and there’s this absolute iconic moment of her with her spear. And you know, in that instant, the complete relationship that’s completely instinctual systems, and the reason we can recognize that is because those two behaviors are instinctual human behaviors that we are learning when to release. And in fact, the whole mating dance, if you look at two people going back and forth in a bar, right, that is also part of this instinctual system. So this

Eric Zimmer  20:39  

instinctual system might I have instinctual responses that you don’t have? Yeah. Okay, so when we say species specific, we mean they are human, right? But we don’t all have them in the same way into the same degree. And to what degree are those? Back to the term we used earlier, learned or conditioned. So

David Redish  20:59  

it’s complicated, and to be honest, it’s still a lot of science work being done here. Some of the simpler ones are pretty straightforward, like run away or throw a punch or laughing with your friends, for example. These seem to be pretty universal. I personally am convinced that cursing is this system as compared to a conversation which is not. And what’s interesting about cursing is, of course, we all curse in our own language, right? Yeah, that the actual curse, right? The bad word we say we learn, right? In fact, one of my kids at one point when, you know we’re trying to get him not to curse, he started saying Sicily as his angry word,

Eric Zimmer  21:48  

yeah, yeah. There’s lots of people say freaking, you know. So, yeah, exactly. So there’s some process in which we train that system then, right?

David Redish  21:57  

But usually the the output is relatively consistent, like I can tell a smile on any person, yeah and yes, a European smile is slightly different from an American smile. Americans tend to really smile with their mouths, and Europeans think we’re crazy. You know, a European will often smile primarily with their eyes. It’s a cultural difference, particularly in parts of Europe, but the basic idea of laughing or smiling or whatever will be consistent, right? The real learning that happens in this system, and this is kind of where, honestly, the one you feed, turns out to be really important, is what is the condition under which you’re going to release that behavior, right? So I like to joke swinging a bat in a baseball game and in a bar are very different, right? Or in a situation, right? If you hear a crying child next door to you, right? Do you react by saying, Oh no, what’s wrong? Or do you react with, shut that thing up, right? Those are both Pavlovian reactions. Those are both instinctual reactions. But which one you release at that moment, right? Emotionally is going to depend on the learning you’ve done over time. That’s a

Eric Zimmer  23:20  

really interesting example of how you respond to a baby crying and that sound. And I think the other thing that’s interesting about that is that it seems to me that the way I respond to that sound has something to do with my physiological and emotional state at the time. Absolutely, when I’m well slept and feeling pretty good and not hungry, I might be like, I wonder what’s wrong with that baby? Somebody should give it a bottle. And if I got two hours of sleep and I haven’t eaten in several hours, I’m probably going to be more towards, shut that thing up, right? And so even that is going to be dependent on on factors within my physiology,

David Redish  23:57  

absolutely. But part of the situation you’re in depends not just on the physical surroundings, but your cultural moment. Are you hungry? Are you well fed? Are you comfortable? Are you at the end of your rope? Do you have a big exam the next day? You know? Are you anxious? All of these components feed into that situation, and the truth is that they feed into a lot of these other situations. These decision systems interact in complex ways, right? So playing sports, you want to be active, and I want to say aggressive without being aggressive, right, right? You want to be aggressive within the game without being aggressive in a violent you know interaction, right? You still want to be friends at the end of the game, you.

Eric Zimmer  25:08  

So let’s take jumping into the lake to save a drowning child. Sure, not everybody’s going to do that, but some people will. We would consider that a moral choice, like it’s good to do that, like you should do that, versus, if you don’t do that, maybe that’s bad. And again, maybe different people are going to have different moralities around that, but most of us would view something like that as a moral choice, right? So where I wanted to go is, you know, if you read about morality, and I’m interested in morality, I want to talk about that term before bunch of people just turn off their brain. You know, I’m interested in morality in the sense of, how do I think I should live my life? How do I decide what’s important and who’s the person I want to be? So for me, it becomes a very personal thing. I’m not very interested. Well, to say I’m not interested in others morality is not correct. But I just want to be clear, I’m not talking about, you know, the Moral Majority here or enforcing my morality on others, but that’s why I’m interested in it. Jonathan hate is the person that I most have read this from, but I’m sure he’s borrowed it from lots of different places. Is this idea that our morals are actually feelings, you know, you ask me a moral question, I respond that feeling is there. And then I’m gonna layer reasons on top of that. I’m gonna try and this is what I believe to be true. Now I’m believing that for reasons that are entirely emotional. Now I’m gonna try and construct an argument around that, instead of the other way around. This

David Redish  26:37  

is one of the things where I really disagree with Jonathan okay on these things, I think that he is, which is surprising given his, you know, Knowledge Base. He’s taking a very simple view of decision making. And so I would turn it around and say there’s a moral question of, what do we do in this situation? There are two questions that we want to separate. One is, what is the prescriptive goal that we, either as an individual or as a society, want to do? And I agree with you that I don’t want to talk about imposing moral codes on anybody. What I want to understand is, how do those moral codes interact with us. The other thing, though, is that there are many situations where each of those decision systems might be more appropriate and might be the thing to do. So, for example, in a lot of these moral questions, I can change which of these systems is taking control by changing how I phrase the question. An interesting story. This diving into the river is a very interesting thing. I was on a trip with I was at some conference, and they had a afternoon thing where we got to go fishing in streams in Colorado, which I was really quite wonderful. And was with this guide, who was this wonderful, talkative guide, who clearly was name dropping every five minutes of all the famous people he had, you know, guided, but he was a character. He was a wonderful, you know, really wonderful guy. But he told this story about he pointed out that these little streams actually run super fast, and you can be shockingly pulled under, and what looks like, you know, two feet of water, turns out it’s eight feet of water, and you’re underneath. And he described the story where he was driving by with somebody, and they saw somebody drawn underneath, and the two of them stopped the car. The two of them got out, and he told the other person, don’t go, don’t move, because he had been trained on how to go save somebody in this situation, and the other person who, of course, in this instinctual I’m going to go dive in the river and be the hero and save the person, would only have made things worse. So he had been trained procedurally how to respond in this moment, and the other person was responding instinctually, right? So, in fact, you could create, and I would argue that the discussion we are having right now about do you dive into the river to save the child, is actually a deliberative one, not an instinctual one. We’re having a deliberative conversation about it. And so I really disagree with Jonathan that these moral things start from feelings. If you ask the question in very specific ways, which is what he tends to do, he tends to create these very charged emotional moments in his examples, they will activate that instinctual system, whereas if you ask the question in a different way, right, then you get a different answer. The famous story is the trolley problem on this one.

Eric Zimmer  29:52  

Yeah, I think that’s really interesting and makes more sense to me, because while I do believe there is. Is a huge emotional component to what we think is right or wrong. We are capable of deliberating and changing that right. You know, if you’re open minded enough, your moral views can shift, and I would almost argue should shift if you’re actually a very thoughtful person. Oh, okay, say more. So

David Redish  30:21  

there are many, many cases where the instinctual is the right choice, and there are other cases where the deliberative is the right choice. A lot of the thing, I think, is kind of what I like to think of as, you know, the learning I’m trying to do, and I think people should try to do is figure out when is each of these systems best, right? Each of these systems is not that one is better than the other. They’ve each evolved for conditions and like, if you’re deciding who to fall in love with, making a list of pros and cons isn’t really great, right? You kind of want to let the chemistry happen and see what happens. Well, as

Eric Zimmer  31:03  

somebody who’s been led astray by his chemistry a few times, I’m not sure I agree. I get your point, yeah. And the truth is,

David Redish  31:14  

would you have been more led astray by your deliberative system?

Eric Zimmer  31:17  

Well, that’s a whole nother conversation. So you’ve talked about how we ask the question changes the result that we get. So part of what you and I talked about before this interview is I’m trying to take your work about moral systems as a whole, applied to societies and groups, and I’m trying to sort of extract that and take it down to how do I make decisions in my life about what matters to me and what’s important? So occasionally I’m sort of running aground in attempting to do that, but if I’m trying to make a decision, I’m trying to think of what’s a common moral type decision that a human being makes. Let me see

David Redish  31:58  

if I can bin a connection for you, please. So one of the things that Jonathan’s work, and in fact, all of the other science that’s tried to do a science of morality before they have essentially punted on the question of, what is the goal, right? What is your moral goal? So we said saving babies is good. I think we all generally agree on that. But where does that come from? Why is saving babies good, right? If we all accept what those moral rules are, then yes, we can talk about, how do we as an individual find the best one for ourselves, or maybe we say they’re all relative, and there are no rules, at which point you run into some really nastiness that, I’ll be honest, I’m not comfortable with. Yeah, and I think one of the things that makes that connection is what I argue in this book is that there is actually a moral rule, a very general one, that ends up having kind of consequences, and all the other things kind of fall from those consequences. And I’m kind of dancing in a circle. I’m not sure if I’m getting to the right spot. So if I wander too much, stop me and we can come back. But I wonder if some of that connection of these examples comes to recognizing what the individual large term goal is, which is to align our work together, to find ways to work together, to create so that what’s best for you is best for me, and what’s best for me is best for you. And I actually have been very intrigued, once I kind of see that, and we can talk kind of about, as you said, about the FMRI and that, about the actual science of it, that might be useful, but once I saw that, it changes how I interact in those decisions with other people, right? I mean, I’ll be explicit about I’ll say, oh, you know, look, I want you to understand I’m doing this, because if you succeed, I do better, yeah, I say this to my students, right? I’m a professor. A lot of my life is teaching students. And, you know, I was talking to, I just my class just ended this, you know, week ago, and I was really pleased this year I got a lot of positive feedback from the students, and I wonder how much of it is, because I started off by saying, my goal is for you to succeed. Because if you succeed and go do well and go say to everybody, wow, I learned all this in this class, right? That’s better for me, right? That our goals are aligned, yeah? Is maybe the way to say it. Yeah,

Eric Zimmer  34:49  

because in the book, here’s what I think you’re saying, and you you can correct me. I think you’re saying that morality is a tool that humans use. Lose to move us from there’s lots of different ways to call it, but we might say a game where I might win and you might lose, to move us collectively to games where, when we cooperate, we both win bigger and better. And that that’s the purpose of a moral code is to get more of us to play that kind of game than more of a game in which selfishness is prioritized. Now I’ve oversimplified dramatically there, but is that close? I don’t

David Redish  35:32  

think you’ve oversimplified at all. I think that’s actually exactly it. People always talk of morality as do the right thing, even though we know you really want to cheat. And honestly, that’s not my lived experience, right? I don’t know about you, but my experience is, most of the time I do the moral thing because I want to do the moral thing, right. And what I realized is exactly that these moral codes are tools. They’re sociological and they’re personal tools. Actually an interesting thing is to think of them as personal tools. The one you feed is a great example of a personal tool that helps you achieve behaviors that are more likely to be in that connection. So I don’t think you’ve oversimplified at all. I think you’re exactly right.

Eric Zimmer  36:25  

So if I then take that idea and say, All right, I want to apply it to myself and how I decide, let’s talk about this idea that how I ask the question changes the answer. Can you give me an example that perhaps in our individual life. Yeah,

David Redish  36:41  

so is your goal as a student to learn, or is your goal as a student to get the most points right? And if your goal is to get the most points, then you’re going to do a whole set of behaviors right. And if your goal is I’m going to learn the most I can, then you’re going to do a different set of behaviors. Some people will argue, oh, in order to get into med school, you have to get an A, you have to do this, and you have to succeed, right? And the question is, are they correct? And when you talk to the people who actually know and the people who actually you know make those decisions, they’re often wrong, and it’s often the people who are helping the other people that are doing better, right? So a good example is convincing all my students that study groups getting the most points while everybody else gets less points. Means that, yes, on the ratio of point scales, you did better. But if you can create a study group where you all can work together, you can all get A’s, right? So they started doing study groups. So by changing the question of saying, Look, what’s my goal? Is my goal to get I want to get 100 points and everybody gets zero, or is my goal? I want everybody to get 100 points, because we’ve all then learned that changes. It, that goal,

Eric Zimmer  38:01  

though, the underlying goal itself, right? You asked two people. One of them might say, I’m here to get A’s because I’m here to then go on to grad school. And, you know, you can learn if you want. I don’t much care, not my thing. Someone else very much, saying, hey, look, you know, I really want to learn. I mean, I just had a conversation with a guy who is a book called The pathless path. He was like a very successful, I don’t know if he went to Harvard, it doesn’t matter. He went through the whole Ivy League track. Was working with the biggest, the best business consultancy group, McKinsey. He was on that track, and he used a phrase there called it was a world class hoop jumper, meaning his job was just to jump through these series of hoops, never thinking about why, except that it’s because that’s the next hoop to get through to get to this place over here. And we could say we’ve got a hoop jumper on one hand and we’ve got a person who wants to learn on the other hand. The question does become, where is that goal coming from? Right? Even the question I ask is informed by my moral approach or my values, that’s

David Redish  39:04  

right. One issue is, of course, what is the individual goal? Right? Yeah. But also there is, how do you achieve that kind of greatness? And by changing the question, you actually find that the people who are doing the most of those greatnesses are actually the people who are working together with groups and are not the people who’ve elbowed everybody out of the way. But there are other examples where we can talk about these decision systems, you know, concretely like so for example, oh, here’s a good one. If I’m asking you to pick a picture to put on your wall. I could ask you to say, find the one you like, or I could say, find the one you like, and then explain it to me. If I tell you to explain it to me, you end up coming up with a very different answer. And there’s a great experiment that did this with, you know, college kids as you know, psychology. Technology experiments used to do, we do less of that now. But, you know, classically, it was this great experiment of, you know, college kids. Some of them, they said, Pick a picture, take it home. And some of them, they said, Pick a picture and come back and explain to me why you picked this picture for your wall. And you know, they told each of them that they were measuring all these things. And of course, what they actually measured was who has their picture on the wall a week later, right? And the ones who explained it, none of them had their picture on the wall. The ones who just said, I like I like this and put it up, right? They used a different decision system to pick the picture by changing the question of, are we a team, right? Are we individuals? Are we, you know, are we a community? I was trying to think of, you know, community construction examples, things like barn building or block parties. Change the definition of who we think we are. I have a note where I started thinking about empathy as a technology that creating empathy with other people, which we can do through stories. And these are ways for us to understand and change our view of people. You think of, for example, the famous napalm picture and from the Vietnam War, right? Of the girl of Kim foo, the young girl who, you know, was very famously, got the picture of her, you know, running from her village, you know, with Nepal, you know, being burned changed everybody’s view. It changed the question. It was no longer a question of, are we, you know, stopping this, you know, communist menace of coming back and forth. It was, are we killing kids? It suddenly changes the question that technology of a photograph changes the empathy. There are all of these examples where we can shift these decision questions by changing the questions we ask. And I love this example of the one you feed is changing the questions you ask yourself. That’s the whole point of the parable, right? It changes the decisions you make by pulling up different answers in different crises.

Eric Zimmer  42:22  

You I’m a firm believer that one of the paths to a good life is to ask yourself questions very often about what am I doing and why, you know, what am I doing? Why? What do I want to be doing? What matters? I mean, these are not fun questions to ask necessarily, because we often find ourselves in, I don’t know, you know, or no, I’m not living the way I wanted. But the question itself is the important thing. You know, the question is, what, in and of itself, kind of what you’re saying, even asking the question, starts to nudge you in a certain direction. It’s sort of like if you start tracking calories, right, just the very act of tracking calories will shift how you eat. Absolutely, I’m not saying it will get you all the way where you need to go, but over and over again, we’ve seen studies that show just that action is gonna nudge you towards better eating, and so asking questions, I think, regularly, nudges us towards being the version of ourselves that we want to be. Yes,

David Redish  43:33  

but also tracking calories is a great example of, am I eating because I’m hungry? Am I eating because I’m social, right? Am I eating because I’m trying to get the right nutrition right? And partially, there’s asking questions of yourself, but partially, every moment in your life you are answering a question right, at every moment you are taking an action in response to some question in the world. And one of the points that I’m making is, what that question in the world is like, is this food or not? Is a different question from Should I throw these mashed potatoes or not in like, if you’re in a food fight, right? These are two very different questions, and they’re going to come up with very different answers. And the argument in the book is that because we have multiple decision systems, because these decision systems learn, because these decision systems interact with the world, if we change the world, we can change those decision systems. And so we can change our behavior by changing the world, not just by changing ourselves.

Eric Zimmer  44:42  

Let me pivot off there. I’m tempted to go big, and then I’m also tempted to go small. Here. I’m gonna go small for a second, then maybe we zoom back out and the small is this. Let’s say that. Well, let’s just stick with eating. And I decide that I want to. To Lose Weight. Okay? Now, I think what you’re saying is that a the very question we need to be asking ourselves is, why, right? Because that informs an awful lot, right? It’s because I want to look good in a bathing suit, or it’s because I want to keep my cholesterol low, because my dad died of a heart attack at 60, right? And I know for me, as I’ve reframed exercise and diet and all that in terms of well being, not even future well being, but current well being. That changed my relationship to those things dramatically. So I think that’s one example of the question, absolutely. But let’s say that I say my deliberative self. I’m assuming this would be my deliberative self says I want to lose weight and I want to do it because I want to be healthier. So there’s the deliberative self. It’s made its little decision, right? And then I just don’t do it again and again and again, right? This is common stuff. It seems to me, then that my Pavlovian and my procedural systems are overriding my deliberative system. Is that a way to think of it? It is,

David Redish  46:07  

and one of the languages, this is, of course, the language of the previous book that we talked about in 2015 which was called the mind within the brain, is one of my view is that it’s not that you are succumbing to your Pavlovian and procedural self, it’s that all three of those are yourself and you have a conflict within yourself, yes, and that seeing that conflict within yourself as a conflict within yourself allows you to talk about controlling it. So one is you could try to change your Pavlovian system or your procedural system, you could learn new things. So for example, you could learn to cook differently. This actually happened to be my doctor said I need to change my diet, and so I started buying different foods, and I learned a whole bunch of new recipes because I like to cook, and so I’m cooking very differently for myself. And it’s not that I’m like at every moment saying, Oh, am I eating too much sugar? Am I eating too much of this? It’s more, oh, that sounds like a good dinner. I’m going to make this dinner tonight. Yeah, right. And what I’ve done is I’ve changed my procedural process of cooking, and yes, I’ve had to learn those new recipes to retrain my Pavlovian sense of, like, Ooh, that smells tasty. You know, I like that flavor combination, or I don’t, right. I’ve had a few that I was like, I’m not making that one again. You know, by thinking of this as, how do I change my world that interacts with all of these systems? Yeah, I don’t have to be white knuckling it through saying I’m gonna do this, even though I keep finding myself not right. And so by thinking about changing my environment, that allows me to change those actions, basically, so that the systems come into alignment, rather than that they’re always in conflict.

Eric Zimmer  47:57  

I really like this sort of discussion, because I think you’re right. Recognizing the internal conflicts is really important, because until you find some way of sort of resolving those, it’s one step forward, one step back, right? I mean, it’s just, you just, you’re just kind of stuck in stasis, right, right? You know, the question, almost in many cases, I think, becomes, how do I change what I want, or, How do I change what parts of me want? Or

David Redish  48:23  

how do I change the environment so that those parts of me make the right choices? Yes,

Eric Zimmer  48:30  

let me say something about that, and then let’s go a different level. So retraining or changing the procedural system seems pretty straightforward, right? In that, like you said, I’ve got a habitual way of cooking and habitual things that I buy, and habitual, you know, reach for the cookies in the cabinet, all these habitual procedural systems. And so I’m going to change those. I’m going to learn new procedures that are going to move me in that direction. It seems like the Pavlovian one is the harder one to work with to change. But it does seem possible, because once upon a time, I had an extraordinarily Pavlovian response to drugs and alcohol, you know, in that like it felt instinctual. And now I don’t, I don’t at all. And so it is possible to do that. It wasn’t as simple as like, I just decided one day, with my deliberative system, drugs are bad. I know I’m no in the beginning, that was part of it, and there was some white knuckling, but over time, some of it was environmental changes, but some of it feels deeper than that. Yeah, in this example, what are ways that we can if we’ve got a sort of a conflict between our deliberative system and our Pavlovian system, and we’ve decided that our deliberative system is the one we want to go with, what are ways of sort of retraining that Pavlovian system, or even if we don’t want to use that word, teaching it some new dance steps, absolutely.

David Redish  49:58  

And I think. It’s really important, because although we call it instinctual, we call it Pavlovian, it is highly learning. It is a learning system, and it absolutely learns. It learns whether you could release the friendly dog or the angry dog, right? You can release the I’m gonna binge ice cream or I’m going to have, you know, a bowl of blueberries. And part of it is creating situations where that instinctual system recognizes the approach to in we’re talking about approach to food, but approach to food that is good for you rather than bad, right? So you get to the point where, you know, I’ve found combinations of foods that I find really enjoyable, that actually, I’ll be honest, I like better than some of those super sweet things. I had a thing with the lab where I bought donuts. There was an extra donut, and I ate the extra donut afterwards, and I was like, I didn’t really that didn’t, that wasn’t so good, right? And I realized that I have shifted my Pavlovian drive to like, there’s only so much of this high sugar that I really want. I mean, I like the first donut. It was the second one that was too

Eric Zimmer  51:16  

much. Yes, of course, always the second donut is a mysterious but you can

David Redish  51:20  

teach your Pavlovian system, and you can think of it, you know, yeah, you’re talking about changing the foods. Also. You can change what’s available, right? You can pre commit by saying, I mean, people, you know, people who have alcohol problems, pour the alcohol down the drain. Right? Yep,

Eric Zimmer  51:36  

door. Dash has been a disaster for this, by the way, because you used to be like, Well, I just don’t keep it in the house and and now, you know, DoorDash, there’s even alcohol delivery services. It’s like, you don’t even, I mean, I’m just happy to be where I am in life and not fighting some of those battles today. Because I’m like, Oh my goodness. It’s just like, Yeah, you know, those pre commitment devices aren’t as effective.

David Redish  51:58  

Well, you need different ones. Yeah. And one of the things that you can do is you can create other pre commitment devices, right? One of my favorites is suicide hotlines and alcohol sponsors. And the line is, you can go drinking after you’ve called your sponsor, right? And so I knew people who had alcohol problems, what they taught themselves to say is, and they would literally say this. They’d say, I’m going to the bar. I’m going to call my sponsor and tell them I’m going to the bar. Now, to be honest, at the moment, did they really believe that the sponsor would, you know, deliberatively, maybe they knew the sponsor would stop them. Maybe instinctually, they didn’t think they could talk the sponsor out of it, right, but a line that I have to be honest I never would have believed was okay. But again, I’m not a clinician. I want to be real clear on this. I’m a I’m a computer Jack who does basic neuroscience, fundamental science questions and you know, but I’ve been hanging out with a lot of clinicians recently, and my understanding is sometimes the right line is call the suicide hotline. After you talk to them, you can kill yourself. Yeah, and, I mean, I would not have imagined that was the thing worth saying. But it turns out that can get people to call the hotline, right, that can get people over that line, whereas saying, oh my god, you really do not kill yourself, because you know, then you get the fight back. Yeah, right, yeah. So there are these other procedures, and sometimes the answer is the procedural system. Sometimes what you want to do is give yourself one of these other systems and let your procedural system beat your deliberative system, right? So this is why I don’t like the old like, oh, deliberative is in control of everything, right? Because sometimes the best answer is to create a situation, a process, where other things happen. I heard a thing where it turns out that blister packs are less dangerous than screw top bottles of pills, because by the time some people have popped out enough bubbles to be dangerous. You’re like, This is dumb. What am I doing?

Eric Zimmer  54:14  

Yeah, I mean, delay is a tremendously effective strategy. There’s a rule in behavioralism, fairly simple one, which very much procedural to some degree, but it’s, you know, if you want to do something, make it as easy as possible to do it right. And if you don’t want to do something, make it as hard as possible to do it exactly. Give yourself that time for your deliberative system to sort of get its wits about it and go Hold on a second here,

David Redish  54:40  

and to recognize that the instinctual system is a very in the moment, immediate system, yes, so if you can move things away from it, yeah, you can make it harder for that system, you know, if you’re fighting your instinctual system about, you know, highly sugared foods, yep, put the sugar foods under, you know. Key, Yep,

Eric Zimmer  55:00  

yeah. You know. The other thing that’s interesting about this is there are some theories out there around alcohol and around addiction in general. And one of the theories is that it’s a learning disorder, meaning that for most of us, you know, if you were to drink like I used to drink, you would have some amount of consequence, that your Pavlovian system would very quickly be like, wait a second, this doesn’t make sense. Like, yeah, that was nice, but holy mackerel, This really feels terrible and and that in addicts, for some reason, that mechanism isn’t working. Well meaning the Pavlovian system is not getting the message that this is a bad deal, right? Somehow it’s just simply not internalizing, Oh, this isn’t good anymore, until it’s so far past the point. You know, the deliberative system can be very clear. It’s like you’re killing yourself. This is insane, but your Pavlovian system still thinks this is a good thing. Actually,

David Redish  55:53  

I’ve done a lot of work on addiction. Is actually how I got started on this whole process. Was actually looking at addiction from new theoretical perspectives, and it turns out that addiction is a symptom, not a disease, that it’s more like fever. There are many, many things that will lead you to addiction, and yes, your description of a Pavlovian system that gets over associated and connected is one of those, but there are other ones. For example, it turns out for a lot of people, smoking is a procedural mistake, and it is that the nicotine turns out to activate procedural systems even when they’re unpleasant, and that just has to do with the neurophysiology of human brains and other ones can occur through relief of anxiety questions or one of my favorites was the deliberative idea that if I did this, I would be cool, and therefore, you know, I would do well, right? In fact, I’ve been doing a lot of work with anorexia, which is kind of different from an addiction. Again, I’m not a clinician, but I’ve been working with a lot of clinicians on this, and it looks like a lot of that problem is actually a deliberative problem of knowing exactly what you want and being wrong about your goals. And so people who think that if they are particularly thin, they will be more socially popular, or they will, you know, be able to avoid something, and then they do these really deliberative, dangerous plans that they stick to. And the problem isn’t that the deliberative system is weak or is too strong. It’s that their understanding of the goal, of the structure of the world, it turns out, actually being thin doesn’t affect the popularity at all in this situation. You know, many of them, if you actually look at the data, right, that they just misunderstanding. You know, I always think of the, you know, smoking was cool when I was a kid, and it doesn’t make you cool anymore, no, which has actually been a very nice change, because now people don’t try to be cool by starting to take up cigarettes.

Eric Zimmer  58:08  

It is a very good change. Well, David, we are at the end of our time. Thank you so much for coming back on the show and for a really interesting conversation about how we decide and how we choose how to act in the world.

David Redish  58:23  

Thank you for having me. It’s been a tremendous fun. It’s great to be back. I really love these conversations. You

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

Grounded in Gratitude: Life Lessons from Great Minds

November 29, 2024 Leave a Comment

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In this special episode on gratitude, you’ll hear life lessons from the great minds of Dr. Nicole LePera, AJ Jacobs, Martha Beck, Susan Cain, and Cory Allen. Throughout these conversations, we explore practical ways to incorporate gratitude into our daily lives, overcome common obstacles to feeling grateful, and use gratitude to enhance our relationships and overall well-being. You’ll find a fresh perspective on gratitude, moving beyond simple platitudes to explore how we can cultivate a deeper, more meaningful sense of appreciation in our lives.

Key Takeaways:

  • Grasping the power of gratitude when grounded in the present moment
  • Practicing detailed expressions of gratitude to deepen our appreciation
  • Balancing gratitude with acknowledgment of life’s challenges is crucial
  • Cultivating wonder that naturally lead to feelings of gratitude
  • Viewing gratitude as a state of being, rather than just a tool, to provide a solid foundation for navigating life’s ups and downs

Connect with

Dr. Nicole Lepera

A.J. Jacobs

Martha Beck

Susan Cain

Cory Allen

If you enjoyed this special episode on gratitude, check out these other episodes:

Why a Grateful Mindset Matters with Kristi Nelson

How to Explore Our Awareness with Jonathan Robinson

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If you enjoy our podcast and find value in our content, please consider supporting the show. By joining our Patreon Community, you’ll receive exclusive content only available on Patreon!  Click here to learn more!!

Episode Transcript:

Eric Zimmer  02:27

Hello, everyone. I am doing the intro this week instead of Christopher, because this is a special episode of the one you feed podcast. We’ve done these in the past, and what we do is talk to some of our favorite people about one single topic, and the topic we’re going to explore in this episode is gratitude. For those of you in the States, you know it’s Thanksgiving week, at least if you’re listening to this right when it comes out. So gratitude is top of mind for many of us. But even more than that, this topic is really important, because it is one of the most impactful practices that we can use to meaningfully improve the way we experience our lives, but very often we struggle to make it a regular practice. So why is that, and what can we do about it, and why should we try or even care? I’ll explore these questions and more with our guests, Martha Beck, AJ Jacobs, dr, Nicole Lapera, Susan Cain and Corey Allen, I really hope you enjoy it. Now on to this special episode all about gratitude.

Chris Forbes  03:28

Up first on the gratitude episode from the holistic psychologist.com Dr Nicole Lapera,

Eric Zimmer  03:35

what does gratitude mean to you? I

Nicole LePera  03:37

think the most simple definition that I like to offer for gratitude is acknowledgement of what is being, I think, fully present, and I’m being very intentional about adding this step in. I think a lot of times when we think of gratitude is right, feeling grateful appreciative, or some version of appreciation for something we have, or and, or receiving the appreciation from someone or something for some aspect of us. I think what is really important, in my opinion, to incorporate into the definition of gratitude is that presence around what is not in judgment, not in criticism, around just the pure objectivity of what is present here and now. And the reason why I’m emphasizing that in particular is so many of us aren’t living in the present moment. We’re recycling past moments, past trauma that lives in our mind and body and that is coloring our experience, our interpretation of what may or may not be present, or limitations that may or may not be here, right here, right now, however, again, it’s a remnant of our past, so grounding ourself in the present moment, objectively around What is, and then allowing us to expand into that feeling of appreciation, I think, is how I operationally kind of talk about the embodiment of the practice of gratitude, which I believe is foundationally important in healing. So what

Eric Zimmer  04:53

are some of the practices for gratitude that you most recommend for people? I think

Nicole LePera  04:59

there’s a lot. Different ways we can practice that acknowledgement, just again, highlighting the first aspect of that, which is becoming conscious, even to the present moment, to what is here available. You know what the reality of it is. And that happens when we activate our conscious awareness, when we tune into not the stories in our mind, not to rehashing things that happened weeks ago, years ago, not to worrying about tomorrow. Or most of us spend our time to be grounded and present to what is to Turning our focus onto our physical body, to extending it out into the external environment, seeing for ourself things that are present here and now. That is how we become available into what is here and now and then. Of course, if we want to add in the appreciation, people have had success with journaling, listing things that we’re grateful for. For me, even just acknowledging its presence can be so incredibly healing for all of us that are coloring the present moment with our past experiences, because so many of us are filtering out the reality of what’s here based again because of those past filters that we’ve been applying. So that means becoming active, becoming present, maybe even verbally, stating for ourself or writing in the notebook, things that are present in each given moment and that can help us activate that feeling of appreciation, because appreciation can only happen if we’re aware of something that is there. Well,

Eric Zimmer  06:26

Well, that’s interesting, because normally, gratitude, the way it is done, is very often not a present moment thing. I’m grateful for the coffee I had this morning. I’m grateful for the herons I saw land on the lake this afternoon, where what you’re saying is coming present. So is it your belief that if we were to be able to come to the present moment without the heavy conditioning of the past, without everything else, that in that contact in the present moment as it is, a feeling of gratitude would naturally emerge,

Nicole LePera  06:57

I think, a feeling of connection and presence with that moment emerges the awareness of what is available. Because oftentimes, when we want to practice gratitude, typically it’s because we’re so focused on what’s not present, what we don’t yet have, what we want to be the case. Yeah, right. And when we can become present to what is here, I think we can open up our filter and see all of the different maybe needs that we do have consistently, or at least in this moment, being met, the space that we actually are, you know, choosing to inhabit in this moment, I think that we most often do have available something right that is actionable, right, some need that has safety, or we even have a house a roof over our head, right? These are small things that I think aren’t small and that we so typically overlook because we’ve become so familiar with those being part of our present existence. Yet we diminish and instead of focusing on what we have here, we tend to highlight what isn’t yet here. Yeah,

Eric Zimmer  08:03

I’ve been doing a lot of reading about the psychological research on gratitude, and it’s clear that one of its really salient features is the ability to almost counteract hedonic adaptation, right? The adaptation meaning we just take for granted what we’re used to, and gratitude being a way of actually not taking things for granted, of being a way of connecting the fact that like, well, what would it be like if this thing wasn’t here? Okay, now I can get back to appreciating what I already do have, which really does seem to be one of the keys to happy life is to appreciate what we have spend more energy there than on what we don’t have. Right

Nicole LePera  08:45

when we free up the energy of focusing on what’s not yet present, we’re actually then saving conserving the energy to create change in that direction. Should we choose so many of us expend so much energy? When we were recording the previous podcast, we were talking a little bit about autopilot, and how that actually conserves caloric energy for our brain, how we do prefer to just cruise into that familiar accepting things just as they are, without thinking about them. Because physiologically, actually, there’s a benefit of doing that, in terms of the caloric intake, with my brain already needing the most of it. So again, it allows us to be present, to see the things that we’ve become unconscious to as a way to oftentimes conserve energy. And when we have that, then energy back, not spinning around, wishing, hoping. Now we can use that energy to being grounded in the present and to actually creating the steps in that direction. So

Eric Zimmer  09:39

what do you do in your own life? Do you consciously practice gratitude in any sort of consistent way, or is it just become part of your orientation for you? How does it operationalize

Nicole LePera  09:51

so two ways, I think my most consistent practice of gratitude is staying really grounded and connected to the present moment, coming to the awareness. Of how disconnected I had spent the large majority of my life. That is a daily habit and practice, always checking into where it’s my attention, always pulling it back, always being observant of what is here, what is now. I think that’s kind of the most number one foundational aspect of gratitude that I integrate into my day to day, and then there’s a more kind of acute moment by moment. And I give myself the opportunity. For me, it’s a shift in thinking or language around so typically, when I don’t want to do something, you know, I have an event, an opportunity, something coming up, a project, right? I have to, if you will, I tend to, you know, roll my eyes. Wish I didn’t have to focus all of my internal monologuing on how much I shouldn’t maybe have to do. Right? This thing we talked about taxes when we recorded a podcast, right? I don’t want to do this thing language right now I’m shifting. The shift I offer myself is I’m grateful for the opportunity to do my taxes so I can have a thriving business. I’m grateful for the opportunity to have this conversation right, connected to what my intention is, so that the message gets out there. I’m grateful for whatever event I don’t want to do, because this might take me one step closer to this goal I have for my future. I’m grateful for the opportunity I sometimes even just use that, even, not being specific, on what it is shifting. Again, that internal monolog, because, again, so many of us don’t live in the present moment and can’t feel grateful for what’s available because we’re focusing on how much we wish it wasn’t the case right here, right now, when we can sit in radical acceptance of what is here now, when we can maybe change the way we’re filtering, giving ourselves the opportunity to possibly Springboard us into a future that’s different, wonderful.

Eric Zimmer  11:41

Well, thank you so much for taking a couple minutes to talk with us about gratitude. I am grateful that you did. I’m

Nicole LePera  11:47

grateful for the opportunity.

Chris Forbes  11:52

Up next is journalist, lecturer and author of four New York Times best sellers. AJ Jacobs,

Eric Zimmer  11:59

why don’t you just take the can story, kind of from the top.

AJ Jacobs  12:01

Sure, I know this is themed to Thanksgiving, and I wrote an article a couple of years ago about how I’m trying to make Thanksgiving a little more creative and stretch our gratitude muscles on. And one thing I noticed was that the can, you know, we have canned pumpkin pie filling. We should make it ourselves, but we don’t. And I noticed that the cans have little ridges on the side, and I looked it up, and those ridges are not there by accident. Someone came up with that idea because it makes the CANS harder to dent. So thank you to the engineer who came up with the idea to have little ridges on the side of cans, something totally never thought about, something I completely took for granted, something you never notice unless you thought about it. That

Eric Zimmer  12:50

is a great one. The numbers of those things are really endless. The things to be grateful for, and as I’ve looked into gratitude a little bit more preparing for this episode and some different things. One of the things that gratitude researchers think gratitude can be really helpful for is to forestall hedonic adaptation to some degree, right, which is basically the fact that we do take everything for granted. So your health, you could wait till it’s gone, and then you will wish you had it again, right, right? But by practicing gratitude is a way of actually, sort of not taking things for granted. And the number of things that, at least in my life, I take for granted is stunning, right?

AJ Jacobs  13:33

Yes, that is a real danger, the hedonic treadmill. And you think, Oh, I’ll be happy when I get x, you get x. 10 minutes later, you’ll be well, I’ll really be happy when I get y, you get y. And then it goes on and on. And the way I found to battle it is through gratitude and through listing, almost cataloging, all of the things that I do have. So again, it’s an active discipline, the classic writing five things down. I do it with my mom. We trade emails every morning of something that we’re grateful for. So yeah, that is, for me, the only way to battle that evil hedonic adaptation. 

Eric Zimmer  14:17

Yeah, I loved that idea that you and your mom exchange a thing every day that you’re grateful for. That’s such a lovely practice. And how much better to be able to share gratitude with someone than just do it on our own.

AJ Jacobs  14:28

And I will tell you, it’s challenging because I have a rule of myself I don’t want to repeat. So I don’t want to say I’m grateful for my dog, even though I love my dog. So I have to come up with a new one every day, and it gets harder and harder, but it’s good. It is a good exercise.

Eric Zimmer  14:43

Are you able to repeat with variation? Because one of the other things that I’ve seen, as I’ve again, I’ve looked at gratitude, is that specificity can be really helpful. So it’s one thing to say I’m grateful for my dog. It’s another thing to say I’m grateful for when my dog does that really. Thing where she buries her head in the pillow and shakes her butt around or whatever like. So are you allowed to repeat as long as you’re reflecting on a different aspect, or once you’ve thanked your wife, it’s over?

AJ Jacobs  15:11

No, what you said I love, the more specific, the better. And yes, I can be thankful for different parts. Well, not different parts, my different that sounded weird, but different, different aspects of my dog, the cuddling or the the playfulness and what you said. And I have a section in my book about writing thank you notes. And I found, at least for me, the most effective were really getting specific. I remember I wrote a thank you note to the people who are inspectors on the farms and they have to spend all their time and outdoors. And I could have just said thank you for being out there and inspecting the coffee farms, but I tried to picture what their life was like. You know, I thank you for putting up with the mosquitos that I’m sure you have to put up. Thank you for baking in the hot sun. And the more specific, I think is better for both parties, because you get a little more empathy, and then they’re like, Well, you put some thought into it. Well,

Eric Zimmer  16:13

I think that is a great place to wrap up. Thank you so much for coming on. Like I said, I really did enjoy the book, you’re an outstanding writer, and thank you has been fun. Well,

AJ Jacobs  16:23

thank you, Eric. And thank you to your producer, of course, and thank you to the people who made your microphone, etc, etc.

Eric Zimmer  16:31

And riverside.fn Yeah, this could go on a long time.

Chris Forbes  16:37

Up next is author, speaker and founder of the way finder life coach training program. Martha Beck,

Eric Zimmer  16:44

hi Martha, welcome to our special gratitude episode. Thank

Martha Beck  16:48

you so much, Eric. I am grateful to be here.

Eric Zimmer  16:51

I am grateful that you agreed to be here. You know, maybe let’s just start off by getting right into it. What does What does gratitude mean to you, and why is it important to you? You know, I

Martha Beck  17:04

honestly came to it first through my brain. I was trained in social science, and I was also pretty depressed in my early life, so I read that gratitude was really good for you. It wasn’t that I was never grateful for anything, but when I began reading the positive psychology on gratitude, it had such a massive impact on people’s health, their relationships, everything like that. And I thought, I’ve got to find a way to get into this. And I tried to fake it, and it didn’t work. And I’ve coached people who’ve tried to fake it, and I will tell you this, if you’re afraid or if you’re depressed, the first thing you have to do is express love to yourself, to the part of you that is depressed or anxious, and just say it like you’ll be okay. I’m right here with you. You can feel whatever you’re feeling, and immediately those parts will flood you with gratitude for having been noticed, for having been loved. So for me, gratitude starts with self compassion, and if you’re having trouble or if you’re forcing it, it doesn’t work. But if you love the parts of you that aren’t feeling grateful, they are so grateful to be loved that it will fill you

Eric Zimmer  18:15

up. Yeah, you wrote somewhere that it’s not just the appreciation that we feel that makes gratitude good, but it’s the release of all other thoughts and feelings, right? So it’s, in essence, when we move into a grateful feeling, by the nature of the thing itself, other things have to fall away. Yeah. So it strikes me that that is one of the real problems with gratitude practice. At least for me, it does get dry sometimes, where I’m like, sort of going through the motions. Now, I still think it’s valuable for me to go through the motions, because there is at least an orientation that makes me start looking for gratitude more, right? It’s kind of like, you know, sometimes I don’t want to exercise, but I do, but at the same time, just rotely writing down three things you’re grateful for day after day after day with no feeling isn’t really going to give us what we want. And I think for a lot of people, that’s why the practice ends, because it’s doing it that way isn’t really giving us the enormous benefits that we can get from gratitude, right?

Martha Beck  19:15

And I tried it the same way you’re describing just writing it down by rote and not getting there with the genuine sensation of it. So along with loving the parts of you that aren’t grateful, the thing that works best for me, if I want to get into that state, is to move it into my sensory mind. So do something that gratifies your senses. And I will tell you my favorite thing, it’s embarrassing, but I’ll tell you, I like to get in bed king size. Bed doesn’t have to be king size, but I’m really grateful that it is, because when no one’s there, I get in my pajamas, I get in bed and I just roll and roll and roll. I just roll around. And it’s like, if your whole body is immersed in this procedure, you don’t. Stay in the tension that you’re in most of the time. So anything you love with your senses. Add it all together, put on something fuzzy, get something that’s tasty, and treat yourself well physically. And again, this simple animal body will flood you with gratitude. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer  20:14

I mean, there’s a lot of people who study gratitude and talk about gratitude. They really emphasize savoring things. We have to stay a little bit longer with the experience that’s enjoyable, go deeper into it with all of our senses as much as we can. Not only does it make it better then, but it’s actually going to make it better when we look back on it and reflect on it as a grateful moment later, it’s going into it as much as we can. That’s really powerful. Yeah,

Martha Beck  20:44

yeah. It’s interesting. Because as I was sort of getting ready to come on, I thought, you know, all my gratitude practices are very simple and very physical. And I remember being in Africa on safari and being very close to these wild animals, which I love, and being so excited and trying to grasp the experience, right? Like, instead of being grateful, I was actually anxious that it was about to end. And when I take other people, they get the same way, oh, it’s gonna end. And the way I tell people to come down from that is to start doing really, really long exhales, because that’s something a fleeing animal never does. And so it brings the brain down. It takes it out of fight or flight, which is that grasping feeling. And I just tell them, just breathe and breathe and breathe. And when I breathe consciously, it is like that experience with that animal lives inside me all the time. And it’s the same thing with a child or with a wonderful experience of any kind. Breathe into it, breathe it in, and then breathe all the way out. I think it actually does something in the brain, where it codes it in there more deeply,

Eric Zimmer  21:50

that’s really interesting. Yeah, I have really had to work with myself over the years, you know, two days into a vacation, I start counting how many days I have left and dreading it, you know. And I’ve really had to learn to be like, All right, let’s not ruin this whole vacation, yeah, by worrying that it’s going to end in those

Martha Beck  22:08

circumstances. It really is good to say, you know, what is here that I can taste, touch, hear, smell, feel with my skin, and then just really, really focus on that. So, yeah, anything that takes you to the right side of your brain, which is breathing, sensory experience, comfort, love, all of those things will allow gratitude to emerge naturally and stay longer. Yeah, another

Eric Zimmer  22:29

practice that you write about is something you were trying out for a while called the three to one gratitude practice. Can you share a little bit about that? I

Martha Beck  22:38

think I’m so grateful that you read that, because I probably wrote it during an all nighter that I’ve forgotten about. But what I what I would guess I said, is that every time I have an experience that is unpleasant and I’m thinking, why did that Cameron, I switch and think of three things that have happened that are good, sometimes connected to the same event. Sometimes they just happen unrelated to that in the same day. But it takes those three things, because we have a negativity bias in our brains that has evolved there. We actually have to push a little harder to get into the positive side of our emotions than into the negative. We slide into the negative, we sort of have to bring ourselves back to the positive. So that’s why I do three appreciation and gratitude moments for every moment that I’m being obnoxious and ungrateful. I

Eric Zimmer  23:28

think that’s a great practice. It makes me think of the researcher on couples, John Gottman, who’s done so much research, and he came up with a ratio of positive to negative, and based on his research, this is the ratio he came up with. Again, who cares if it’s three to one, five to one, four to one, right? But for every negative interaction that occurs in a relationship, you need five positive ones for that relationship to really thrive. And most people in their relationships and relationships I’ve been in before, before I was with Ginny, were almost the exact opposite, right? It was really almost five negative things to one. And it’s no wonder that those relationships were disastrous,

Martha Beck  24:08

or maybe they were disastrous already, and you had less to be grateful for. Who can tell?

Eric Zimmer  24:11

Who can tell? Yeah, absolutely. 

Martha Beck  24:15

That’s so interesting, because I’ve noticed in our family, maybe because of my son, who has Down syndrome, there is more thank you being said in our house than I ever remember in any other house that I’ve been in. Like, thank you for picking up my fork off the floor. Thank you for, oh my gosh, you were so amazing. Like, everything gets thanked out loud, yeah. And I think it got even more during the pandemic, there’s such an intense circle of thank yous in our little hideaway from the pandemic that it kind of almost created this vortex of gratitude. Yeah, and I don’t know, I actually felt strange feeling so grateful at a time when so many people were having a rough time, and then I would just be so much more grateful that that was happening.

Eric Zimmer  24:57

Yeah, that’s a rabbit hole we do not have time to go down. Why? Boy, is it an important one. Us too, here with Ginny and I, it’s just a very conscious, you know, thanking for kind of all sorts of things, just being appreciative of what the other person brings to the relationship, what the other person does around the house. When I taught at omega last weekend, it won’t be last weekend for listeners, one of the new spiritual habits we unveiled was gratitude, and I read a study that said division of labor among couples is obviously important, right? Who does what? But there also seems to be a lot of research that shows, in addition, it’s really important that you are appreciating what the other person is doing. You’re actually thanking them yes for that, and there’s a lot of other research about how gratitude in a relationship just creates this cycle that gets stronger and stronger, right? If you feel grateful and express gratitude to the other person, well now they feel better, so they’re going to act more warm to you, they’re going to do something that’s going to make you feel more grateful. And the more grateful you are, the more you want to invest in that relationship. And it’s just this cycle that gets rolling.

Martha Beck  26:04

Yeah, I wrote about this in my book about my son when he was about five. I had three kids at the time, and all of them were allowed to open one Christmas present on Christmas Eve. And my girls opened their presents, and they were like, Oh, that’s nice. It’s not quite what I wanted, but it’ll do. Then Adam opened his present, and someone had given him an automatic toy with batteries, but they wrapped the batteries separately. So what he opened was a package of batteries. And I thought, Oh no. I was like, Oh honey, that’s not the real president. He was like, ah,batteries. Oh my god. Batteries. I mean, he didn’t say, Oh my God, but he was like, oh my god, baggies, baggies, baddies. And he started running around the house going, I could make it work this, and I could make it work this, and I could bring Oh, wow. He was, like, insane with delight and gratitude for having these batteries, and that is why we give him stuff. It really showed me how much that genuine, thrilled expression of gratitude makes you just want to throw more stuff at the person.

Eric Zimmer  27:06

Yeah, it’s powerful. It really is. I think you know, so much of what limits gratitude in some of us is expectation or entitlement. Wow, yeah, we think that what we’re getting is what we deserve or what we are owed, or we know it’s coming and we should get it. And I was reflecting on this something recently, where a really good thing happened, but it was a good thing that I knew was going to happen for a while, and when it happened, I just was strangely sort of like so I had to cultivate really going back to where did this come from? What was life like before this? You know, it’s that old. It’s paraphrased much better than this. But, you know, be thankful because you’re the person that your old self wanted to be, or you have the things that your old self was wishing for. That’s

Martha Beck  27:51

really true. And I also think that we get that kind of experience when we have been building towards something that isn’t a soul level desire. So it’s society level desire. It’s what we’ve been told will make us happy. We’ll achieve something. We all have a certain financial level, or whatever, and those are really important, but when we get them, and I see this with clients all the time, there’s no sense of satisfaction. Because the only sense of satisfaction comes from the soul level, which is when you yearned for something, and then it came, and then it was like the relationships in my life. It is like rain on drought every day, all day, year after year after year, just like so much gratitude the other stuff that I’ve got because I tried really hard, and they told me that going on Oprah would make me happy. I’m very, very grateful to have done that, but afterwards, I was like, that’s not really landing. When Oprah read one of my books and really, really got it, it landed like I didn’t want the bells and whistles. What I wanted was the connection of souls. So I would tell people, give yourself a break if something doesn’t explode your mind with gratitude. But then look at what your soul has asked for and what it’s created. And look back on the things you yearn for, and even if it’s just like I was really cold and now I have a warm bed. Go back to the times when your soul was yearning, and then just revel. I call it time travel. Go back to the one who was yearning for this thing, yes, and just roll, roll, roll around a warm bed and just say, Oh, thank God I’m not still stuck on that broken ski lift or whatever it was, and that kind of time travel and the yearning of the soul, those are two things that really make my gratitude practice sort of sharper. Well,

Eric Zimmer  29:31

I think that’s a beautiful place to wrap up, because we are back to rolling around in a big bed where we started kind of So

Martha Beck  29:37

Eric, I’m going to take that recording of you saying that, and I’m going to play it for everyone, and they can just make their own conclusions. I went rolling around in a big bed where we started. Me and Eric Zimmer, there’s some gratitude coming at ya.

Eric Zimmer  29:53

Thank you, Martha. 

Martha Beck  29:54

Thank you so much. Eric. You.

Chris Forbes  30:21

Number four on our gratitude episode is speaker and author of many books such as quiet power and bittersweet. Susan Cain,

Eric Zimmer  30:30

hi Susan. It’s so nice to talk with you again. 

Susan Cain  30:33

Hey Eric, so good to be back here with you. I’ve been enjoying our correspondence in between interviews about Leonard Cohen. That’s always nice to get your emails.

Eric Zimmer  30:41

Yes, me too, and I’m so happy to talk to you again so soon after we did the first time. You know your episode was definitely one of my favorites over the last couple years. So if listeners, you haven’t heard it, I highly recommend it, as well as her book Bittersweet. But we’re here to talk about gratitude, so I guess let’s just start off when I sort of bring up the topic of gratitude. What comes to mind for you kind of right off the bat.

Susan Cain  31:03

You know? What comes to mind is my grandmother, when I was a little kid, she really loved going to the Botanical Gardens, like she had spent most of her life living in cinder block housing where there weren’t many flowers around. And she loved flowers and trees, and she would go, think it was the Brooklyn Botanical Garden. I’m not sure which one it was, but, you know, I got carted along when I was a kid, and I just remember her saying, it’s so beautiful. It’s so beautiful. And the time I was a little kid, and I was like, Ah, it’s just some flowers kind of boring. You know, they’re just sitting here. But I think of her all the time now, because I kind of feel the same way, like I’m just constantly exclaiming to my kids over how beautiful this thing or that thing is. I find every time you stop to exclaim over it or just silently savor it and appreciate it, it lifts you up. Yeah, and it’s also just true. It’s also just like stating a truth of like, oh my gosh, here’s a daily miracle. There’s another daily miracle. They’re all over the place.

Eric Zimmer  32:04

You mentioned the word savoring, which is definitely a key part of gratitude. As I’ve done research on gratitude, I created a new program for our omega workshop around gratitude, and it’s certainly that idea of really being able to notice what’s around you and try and savor it and appreciate it is really good for gratitude, not just in that moment, but also for our ability to look back on things and be grateful, because we’ve made them more real and present, and thus our recollection of them later is also more real and present. Yeah,

Susan Cain  32:38

yeah, I think that’s right. And one of the insights that I really came to when I was researching the whole bittersweet book is about the extent to which we as modern people who are scientifically inclined, tend to kind of like break down the things around us by understanding what their causes are, or you know that they’re composed of atoms and molecules and like that, which is wondrous and fascinating in and of itself. But the problem that we have is, I don’t think we’re aware in the way people hundreds of years ago were of just how constantly we’re surrounded by the miraculous. And I don’t mean the miraculous in a supernatural kind of way. I just mean in the like, can you freaking believe that this thing exists

Eric Zimmer  33:23

exactly? One of the guys who wrote a lot about and studied a lot about gratitude is named Robert Emmons, and he has a quote. I’m not going to get it exact, but it’s something along the lines a scene with grateful eyes requires that we see the web of interconnection in which we alternate between being givers and receivers. When I think about the miraculous, I think about that web of interconnection, how everything is connected to and caused by something else. And in a very literal sense, the entire universe had to happen in the way it happened to get me to this beautiful moment right here that is such a deep mystery and such a deep beauty. Yeah,

Susan Cain  34:04

it really is. It really is. And then at the same time, whenever I hear about or talk about the idea of gratitude, I always feel like there’s an untruthfulness to the discussion, unless we can also make space for the fact that there are aspects of existence for which we really do have no reason to be grateful, you know, just like horrors and malevolence and all kinds of things that are also part of existence and that I don’t know. I mean, maybe somebody else would say we should feel grateful for all of it. I don’t feel that way. I don’t think it’s true. I don’t think we can, or really even should feel grateful for those things. I more just think what’s really helpful is to understand that existence encompasses the beautiful miracles and then the horrors and the sufferings, and that’s how it is. Take it all in, accept it, and turn in the direction of the beauty and feel grateful for that. I find that. A much more manageable way of living than the direction I feel we’re often told to go in, which is just like, you know, only feel gratitude and don’t notice the rest of it. I

Eric Zimmer  35:10

couldn’t agree more. I mean, I think gratitude should not be a way of escaping the realities of our lives or the difficulties in our lives or the things that need to change. Like, if you’re in an abusive relationship, you don’t want to be grateful find the good things about your abuser and be grateful for them. You want to get out. Yeah, you know, a lot of things in life we can’t get out of a lot of the type of horrors that you’re describing. So I think we do need to take in the whole human condition. And it’s interesting, however, to see certain people like Elie Wiesel, I think I’m saying that correctly. Talk about how gratitude was really an important part of him surviving, you know, he was in concentration camps. And he also writes deeply about the horror and how terrible it was, right? And so he really shows both of those things. You know, these can both be true. There are things in life we can be grateful for. And there are things in life that we can be suffering through, and both those things can be accurate at the same time or true at the same time, that

Susan Cain  36:08

I think is the key thing to understand, they can both be true at the same time, and to embrace one doesn’t mean to deny the existence of the other. And I think that’s something that we can really live with because it’s telling the truth. There’s this quote from the musician Glenn Gould that I came across the other day where he talks about, I don’t have the exact words in front of me, but it’s something like the purpose of art is not for the momentary spurt of adrenaline that a beautiful artwork gives you. It’s rather that it leads you in the direction of, kind of like the slow accumulation of wonder and serenity in your life. Oh, that’s beautiful. Yeah, yeah. And it’s so true. That’s why I think turning in the direction of a beauty for which we can be grateful, or turning in the direction of gratitude itself is so sustaining, because it has a way of fortifying you in the direction of wonder and serenity. You know, it’s like, the more you do it, the more you get to turn in that direction. Yeah,

Eric Zimmer  37:05

absolutely. I mean, I think, you know, when we think about gratitude, we first have to sort of be paying attention to what’s around us, and then noticing the goodness, kind of like you’re saying, and then I think there’s an element of recognizing the gift of it. You know that this art, you know, let’s just take a beautiful piece of music, a Leonard Cohen piece of music, like I receive that as a gift. Totally it is a gift to me. And so I think that’s the key, is recognizing these benefits. And I think one of the things I love about gratitude, I think it’s both one of the biggest benefits of gratitude and one of the biggest hindrances to gratitude is our ability to take literally everything for granted. I think that blocks us feeling grateful. But conversely, if we try and look through grateful eyes, it’s a way of starting to not take the really good things in our lives quite so much for granted, our families, our health, the fact that we have drinking water. I mean, there’s just so many things that are truly amazing, that if I’m not cultivating the mindset, I just will take for granted and think, you know, I don’t have anything good,

Susan Cain  38:09

right, right? And we all have that experience of, like, you get a really bad cold or something, you feel so crappy, and then the first day that you feel better, like, oh my gosh, it’s so amazing to feel healthy. I’m going to appreciate this every minute of every day for the rest of my life. And then, you know, the appreciation starts to wean, and you start focusing on other things instead, yep,

Eric Zimmer  38:30

six minutes later, you’ve got a complaint. I mean, I know it’s so funny, I think about that when I’m in pain, when I’m in pain, the only thing I want is that pain to go away. And it is a deep desire, like, if it’s really bad, it blocks everything out. And like you said, I just think, wow, if it would just go away, I will be content. And it goes away, and I’m like, Well, I have to cultivate appreciation that it’s not there. Otherwise, our tendency towards adaptation and our tendency to notice what’s negative around us kind of overwhelms those basic things. Yeah,

Susan Cain  39:03

and you know, you keep coming back to the idea of noticing, and I do think that’s one of the most important insights. Our brains only have the ability to pay attention to so many things at once and or maybe even only one thing at a time, and we have some ability to direct our attention in the direction of our choosing. And you can choose to direct your attention towards the things that are a bummer, or you can choose to direct it towards the things for which you’re grateful. And I think this is especially true in our relationships with other people, you know, because we’re all so incredibly flawed that if we want to, we could easily find the flaws in everyone we encounter and dwell on those, or you can find the miracles in each other’s personalities, or just the things we enjoy and focus on those. And that’s a choice we can make at every moment, absolutely,

Eric Zimmer  39:58

and I don’t know who. Said this quote, I get leery anymore of attributing anything to anyone, because it’s just every time I turn around, it’s like, Nope, he never said that. She never said that. But the idea is, it’s good to look for the best in people, and often they will act that way because of it. Yeah. I mean, gratitude has been researched kind of out the wazoo, and there’s research about a virtuous cycle that starts in couples when they start to appreciate gratitude for each other, because as one person does that, you know, the other person feels appreciated, then wants to invest in the relationship, and then as you invest in the relationship, the relationship becomes something that’s more precious to have because it’s better. And the cycle kind of keeps rolling. So I think there’s so many ways that it can be a really helpful tool in our lives. And kind of, back to your point, it isn’t at the exclusion of noticing what’s difficult or hard or painful. I think of it more as sort of a day to day tool in that it’s like you said, Where’s the orientation of my mind going, and I know where mine goes when I don’t consciously redirect it. It does not go to beauty and gratitude and appreciation. That’s not where it naturally goes. And I think most people are that way, and some of us, probably more than others, it goes to what’s not here, what’s missing. I

Susan Cain  41:17

think that’s right, and I think it’s also useful for people to figure out what are the aspects of their lives that really get them to marveling at how amazing things can be. And I’ll just give you an example of what I mean. I took this via Character Strengths test some years ago. It like helps you understand what the strengths are in your own character. And I think there are, like, 24 different ones, and it just sort of ranks them. And my number one strength was one I hadn’t even considered before, and it was appreciation of beauty and excellence. I was like, oh gosh, that’s that’s really interesting, because I do, you know, like, I’ll see a perfect figure skating routine or something, or just an article that’s amazingly written, and it fills me with a sense of awe and excitement. And so I just know that might seem sort of quirky to somebody else, but I know for me, like that, beholding something excellent is incredibly elevating. So the question is, what is it for you, and you and you like we all have different aspects that elevate us, and taking the time to figure out what it is for you, I think, is one of the best gateways to gratitude that we have.

Eric Zimmer  42:23

I couldn’t agree more. I think it is, what is it for me? Because it is different for everybody, because some people, when they see excellence and beauty, it causes almost an envy, not appreciation of it. For people that have that orientation, that may not be the right direction, a similar idea that’s been on my mind lately is like I tried surfing for the first time in Europe this summer, and I loved it, and then I’ve gone to LA and done it again, and it’s a stupid hobby for an Ohioan, however,

Susan Cain  42:53

not a traveling Ohioan.

Eric Zimmer  42:54

That’s exactly right. However, it is the first thing in years that makes me fist pumpingly joyous. I don’t experience that level of pure joy anywhere else. It’s not to say that I don’t have the subtle flavors of it, but that level of it, and so I’ve just been like, you know what? I’m gonna make a choice to cultivate that, because that feels important. It feels like turning towards beauty and all and all that. There’s something about the combined experience of it all that is really special. And I think that kind of points to what you were just saying about finding your thing. Yeah, absolutely.

Susan Cain  43:32

And I totally get that, by the way, I feel that exact thing when I play tennis, which is a lot more convenient for me, because I can just go to the local tennis court. I know exactly what you’re talking about, and I would fly across the country too to feel that way.

Eric Zimmer  43:46

Yeah. Well, tennis has been on my list of things to take up, and it just hasn’t happened yet. Ginny and I, we were gonna take it up as a couple and things with balls and flying at her, just don’t go well, at least you mind, mind me sharing that our first tennis lesson together ended in tears. So it wasn’t the right couples activity. However, I’m gonna pursue it at some point.

44:08

I think it’s

Susan Cain  44:09

a good idea as a couple, maybe you should try pickleball. I just tried playing it with my son last week, and it was amazing. It elicited the same exact joy, but it’s like a wiffle ball, yeah. So Jenny, might be happy with that.

Eric Zimmer  44:22

Yeah, Pickleball is definitely on the list of things to do also. Well, Susan, end with one question here, which is, is there anything you do besides the conscious turning of beauty to practice gratitude in your life? Or Is that really your core practice?

Susan Cain  44:36

Gosh, I don’t know. I feel like it’s something I do a lot as a parent, partly because my kids, knock on wood, so far, have had really good lives, and I want them to be aware of how fortunate they are, but I think it’s just something that happens naturally. As a parent, we live on a quiet street, and we often go out onto the street to play catch, you know, and I’ll be like, Oh my gosh, we’re so lucky that we live on this. Quiet street where we can do this and don’t have to worry about cars. So I’m constantly pointing those kinds of things out to them, and hopefully they don’t find it annoying. They don’t seem to I do think there’s something about being a parent that can orient us in that direction of noticing these things.

Eric Zimmer  45:15

I love that. I think that’s a really great practice, like if we are orienting our children in that direction, and at the same time choosing to orient ourselves in that direction Exactly. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for coming on. It is always such a pleasure to talk with you, and I appreciate you coming on and talking about gratitude today. You

Susan Cain  45:33

are so welcome. Love talking to you and yeah, thank you for reaching out on this. You

Chris Forbes  46:14

and closing out this episode is author, meditation teacher and podcast host at the astral hustle. Corey Allen,

Eric Zimmer  46:22

hey, Corey, it’s good to talk to you again.

Cory Allen  46:24

Good to talk to you again. As always,

Eric Zimmer  46:26

this has been a bounty of riches. As far as talking to you, I feel like I’ve done it more over the last several months, and it took us several years to get in. So this has been great, glad to be connected again. Man, yeah. So we are talking about gratitude. And I guess I’ll just start off broadly and ask you, you know, when I bring up the topic of gratitude, what what comes to mind for you? Couple different

Cory Allen  46:49

things, I think. The first thing is, I think about the general things that people associate with gratitude, what is in my life that makes me feel anchored and safe and fulfilled. Those things are relationships my career, the things I’m able to do and share with people, and just the general systems that I have in my life that are really meaningful to me. And then, of course, there’s just the abundance of modern living that I’m really grateful for. As far as you know, I live in Austin, Texas, and so it’s so easy to get numb to like, the ways that we live, of like what’s available to us, as far as you know, things like clean drinking water, even stuff like that, where it’s like, sometimes I just stop and remember that as easy it is to forget that. That’s a real luxury. It’s just so plentiful where we are, yeah, kind of blows my mind. You know something by the wow, you know. But you know all that stuff, people are pretty used to, and they’re familiar with those ideas around gratitude. But to go a little bit deeper, I’ll say this, and I’m curious how you think about this. How do people apply gratitude, right? Like, how do people take the idea, whether it be sort of along the lines of what I just described, or if it’s kind of this memification idea of gratitude, and how do you actually apply that to life, to where it has real consistent and daily resonance, because most people think about gratitude. I ascertain from observing the internet is people look at gratitude with the way it’s talked about as some type of solution. So it’s like, oh, I’m feeling down today. Well, remember all of the good things in your life, you know? Or I’m like, in this crazy challenge right now, and things feel really difficult. It’s like, okay, but now tap back into gratitude and remember all the things you have going for you, everything that you’ve got them to this point. And so what’s trying to happen there is that they’re using gratitude in a time where they’re struggling to apply it to the challenge the negative emotions to offset the feeling of negativity, to try and bring themselves back into balance. Right now, there’s nothing wrong with that, certainly, but are we short changing the deeper level of our gratitude by using it in that way? So if we only look at gratitude as an active way to minimize negativity. Are we missing the deeper gratitude available to us in daily lives that exists on its own terms, not in relativity to challenges or negativity, but for its own sake? So that’s something I think about, and I have various ways of working with that, but I’m curious what you think about that, and how you might approach that same idea,

Eric Zimmer  49:42

I first have to ask, are you grateful for your voice? Because, as a podcaster, usually in every conversation, like I’m doing all right over here, but every time I get on with you, I’m like, That guy has got a great podcasty voice. I hope you’re grateful for it. I

Cory Allen  49:56

am. Thank you. And I will say, is that with great power? Great responsibility, so I try and use it wisely. But also it is kind of funny is that it’s like, I suppose if someone is like, seven feet tall, every person that they meet is like, Wow, you’re really tall. And they’re like, I know that. Thank you for and it’s kind of a funny thing is that every conversation I have on the phone, on, you know, on podcasts, random conversations, it’s generally the first thing that comes up. So it is kind of one of those funny things where, while I’m grateful for it’s also like, kind of always being brought to me, which is funny on its own. Yeah,

Eric Zimmer  50:32

actually, what you just ended there with, I think, is interesting, because, you know, when I think about gratitude, I’ve been thinking a lot about hedonic adaptation and the idea that gratitude is both the greatest antidote for that, but that hedonic adaptation is also the greatest block to gratitude, you know. So one way of looking at that is if we look at it through the paradigm you just said, which is, I use gratitude to counteract certain negative things, right? We could use gratitude as a way of counteracting the fact that we just get used to all the good stuff in our lives. We just do. Our ability to adapt is a good and bad thing, right? When terrible things happen to us, our ability to adapt to them is a good thing. However, it also means we take literally everything for granted. But it’s also interesting to think about, if I were to work with hedonic adaptation more skillfully, might that unlock gratitude for its own sake, to just have the depth of gratitude as an orientation to life versus a tool that I bring in exactly? Yeah, and

Cory Allen  51:38

should we define the hedonic treadmill real quick. Or have you talked about that on your podcast before?

Eric Zimmer  51:44

I’m sure we’ve talked about it, and I’m sure not everybody hears it all the time. Why don’t you define it real quick?

Cory Allen  51:49

Oh sure, yeah. So basically, think about hedonic that’s pleasure. And so as we continue to evolve and our lives get better, we very quickly get used to the luxuries and the good aspects of our lives, and it makes it harder for us to see them in the big picture of everything that’s going on. So the adaptation or the treadmill analogy, both are, you’re just always sort of running towards more pleasure and missing what you have. Because it’s in our nature to once we acquire something, just normalize it to a new baseline. Yep,

Eric Zimmer  52:18

exactly. The adaptation as a principle. As us, as humans, adapt to whatever we’re given. If we’re given bad things, we have a remarkable ability to adapt to them. That’s the positive side of it. And then the hedonic adaptation is the negative side of it, which is we take everything for granted. You know, you and I were talking beforehand about how fortunate we both are to do the kind of work that we do, yet if I don’t actually sometimes make an effort to remember that. You know, this thing that I dreamt of for so long, and I thought, if I just get that, I’ll be happy, no longer makes me happy. Now, gratitude is actually a tool, I think so this is back to, is gratitude a tool? Is it a state of mind? I think it’s all of those things. But for me, it’s a tool of kind of getting back to appreciating the things that I actually do have. If you’re not using it as a tool, how do you think about it, or what do you find to be a more useful orientation? Yeah, and also, I

Cory Allen  53:14

don’t think it’s really for me anyway, it’s not a black and white. There’s definitely great where I do use it as a tool sometimes, but as far as trying to look at a deeper relationship with it, I really apply it through the abundance of presence. So just being aware of being aware and really melting into the present moment with everything that you’re experiencing, and getting to that root level of Oh, right. I am a aware agent of consciousness flowing through time in the middle of outer space, and I know that I’m a wave of consciousness in a neat space suit. This is unreal, right? This is so crazy and fun, and it’s a good way for me. I just remember that and think about that every day. I suppose it quarter just crops up once or twice a day. I don’t really have to work at it too much, but I think about it, and it just really grounds me, and it does pull me back to that original mind place that you were talking about, of like, whoa. Like, think about everything that, like, I’ve experienced in life, you know, good and bad, the circumstances and like, the infinite self organizing possibility of all that could be. And this is the meat taxi that my brain is in mind is taking a ride. And, you know, like, This is crazy. And then, of course, as I said, it always gets meta, where I think the fact that I can think about this, and I’m aware that I’m thinking about this, is unreal, and to me, that like kind of zooming out and zooming in simultaneously, it’s a way to get the big picture and the granular picture at the same time. And then that’s whenever you know you can get into that state of the class. Classic thing of washing the dishes and feeling, you know, that’s an incredible experience, because you’re actually there for it. You’re not somewhere else. You’re actually really tuned into just how brilliant it is to even be aware of the fact that you’re aware. Yeah,

Eric Zimmer  55:13

there’s three aspects of gratitude I’ve been thinking about for gratitude, I think, to find its full expression, all three of these things have to be happening. And one is we have to be paying close attention. Yes, doesn’t really work if we’re not. And then the next is to notice the goodness that is there, right? You know, from your perspective here, the goodness is just the wonder of what is this, what is this? And then the last is sort of recognizing it as a gift, right? Recognizing, like I am not the creator of any of this, like I couldn’t have made all this happen on my own. So again, who the giver is? We don’t need to get lost on that if you want to. But to me, that’s not what’s important. What’s important is I wasn’t the source of it. Kind of what you were just describing, you sort of summarized all three of those things, right? This deep attention to the present moment, this recognizing that indeed it is good just to be, and that the fact that I am is a gift of sorts, in that I didn’t create it. I can barely create a podcast, let alone, you know, this multiverse we live in. Well,

Cory Allen  56:21

I mean, don’t shortchange yourself, Eric, I think that you are the creator of all things and the universe. I think you are an omnipotent being. I don’t know. Like, another important part of it is not getting real heavy handed with it, you know, yeah, because it’s easy for a person to get in there and be kind of feeling like they need to play the role of what we’re talking about, to, like, feel what we’re talking about, but it’s a lot more light than that, because I feel like whenever this type of conversation crops up, there’s a potential for a listener to try and put on that outfit a little bit and wear it in their own lives. And the reason it works is because it’s light. It’s not a like, I’m gonna sit down and, like, really curl my brow and like, get deep into this, you know, emotional thing. It’s like, no, no. Just like, lighten up, let go, just feel that you’re here and like, notice how amazing it is, and then you’re good, yep.

Eric Zimmer  57:12

And is that enough for you? Or do you find that it actually helps to, in some way, consciously cultivate gratitude? Or do you find it comes simply by being present? To me, it comes

Cory Allen  57:24

by being present, but also my mind is very curious and extrapolating at the same time, and so I’m always peeling back and thinking about those things and expanding. I will say that I think a real benefit to practicing gratitude, for gratitude sake, and just getting into that baseline energy of, like, all right, like, whatever. There’s always ups and downs. Things suck, then they’re awesome, then they suck again, then they’re awesome. That’s just the way that life goes. And you can mitigate some unnecessary suffering by being active. But okay, there it is. It’s cool that we’re here. This is fun. This is beautiful. And let’s just feel it for a minute. To me, I’ve noticed, because I’ve kind of experimented and tried to do this out of curiosity, is that that baseline of gratitude builds a really useful Foundation, because then whenever you do hit a low point and you’re feeling the weight of the negative side of the spectrum, it can make it a lot more difficult for you to have all that weight that’s pushing on you, make any cracks. I’ve tried to reach my bottom and, like, have the bottom fall through for fun, really, and curiosity, where it’s like, if I’ve gotten into a negative mind state, that is, fortunately, it’s, it’s pretty rare. But if I do start feeling like I’m sliding into that area, feeling like, just hopeless or something like that, I’ll like, flirt with it where I’m like, I’m curious if I could get to the other side of that. Like, what does it feel like to just give up and I can’t get there? Like, I’ve really tried just to see what it’s like as I was in that area being like, come on. Like, let’s let go. And like, really give up, just to feel it. And maybe a part of it being able to spelunk into the like, dark side is like, that is because I know that I’ll come back because I’m just, I always cheer up real easily. You know, I wouldn’t recommend this for someone who’s dealing with depression or anything.

Eric Zimmer  59:21

I was gonna say, we’re gonna put a disclaimer at the top of this show. At this point,

Cory Allen  59:26

good. I hope that all of our shows have disclaimers going forward. But it’s like, I as I was like, doing that, it’s like, oh yeah, I can’t get through there, because there’s that, that layer of foundational awe of being that’s what the ground floor is, and so all the weight doesn’t end up cracking through that, because that is the root of everything. So all the stuff above it can’t get through

Eric Zimmer  59:53

it. Well, any last words on gratitude? I

Cory Allen  59:56

don’t think so. I’m grateful for you. Thank you for everything. You’re doing in the world and the person that you’re being and sharing out there, and thank you for thinking of me for this conversation, and thank you for everyone for listening through the weirdness and making it to the end.

Eric Zimmer  1:00:11

All right, thanks. Corey, thank you. You

Chris Forbes  1:00:29

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