The One You Feed

A podcast about feeding your good wolf

Ralph De La Rosa on the Mind as Your Teacher

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Ralph De La Rosa is a psychotherapist in private practice in NYC. He specializes in helping people resolve their childhood traumas, anxiety, depression and intimacy issues. You might have seen his work in places like CNN, GQ, Self, or Women’s Health. His new book is called The Monkey is the Messenger and it is an instructional and revolutionary look at what it means to attend and befriend ones self. In this interview, he shares some of the key practices that are most helpful along this journey. 

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 In This Interview, Ralph De La Rosa and I Discuss…

  • His book, The Monkey is the Messenger
  • The truest sentence he knows – there’s always more to the story
  • The monkey – what it is and why it’s on our side
  • The monkey mind as our teacher
  • The monkey mind drives us towards meditation and away from meditation
  • Our triggers are on the surface and they are connected to something deeper within us that’s unhealed. We can absolutely get to that root through mindfulness and meditation.
  • The value of showing up for a daily practice
  • Drawing the attention out of our head and into our body gets our brain activated in the right hemisphere
  • The right hemisphere – nonlinguistic, free of chatter
  • Emotions are held in the body
  • The unconscious mind is accessed in the body because emotions show up in our body
  • Radical Nonpathology
  • Love, gratification and safety are at the root
  • How can I be happy? How can I avoid suffering?
  • What looks pathological are our misguided attempts to meet these root needs and drivers
  • Holding our emotions like children
  • Using circumstances to heal rather than being retraumatized through emotional warmth
  • That difficult emotions are messengers to us
  • Abandoning or ignoring any part of ourselves is equivalent to enacting aggression towards ourselves. 
  • How Vinny Ferraro says you can’t hate your way into enlightenment
  • The inner critic
  • Emotions always follow a logic

Ralph De La Rosa Links

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Ruth King on Healing Racism

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Ruth King is an emotional wisdom author, coach, and consultant. She’s a guiding teacher at Insight Meditation Community of Washington and she’s on the teacher’s council at Spirit Rock Meditation Center. In addition, she’s the founder of Mindful Members Insight Meditation Community in Charlotte, NC. She has a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology and is the author of several publications including her new book, Mindful of Race: Transforming Racism from the Inside Out. In this stirring, thoughtful and wise conversation, she touches on the heart of racism and teaches how we can move to heal this heart disease.

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 In This Interview, Ruth King and I Discuss…

  • The value of being curious about the good and bad wolves inside of us
  • Racism being a heart disease that is curable
  • Her open heart surgery at the age of 27
  • Rage being an exit route
  • Rage being energy moving through the body
  • Habitual patterns of racism being a layer on top of the real issue that we can’t tolerate – they are defense mechanisms
  • Racial affinity groups
  • 6 hindrances
  • The structure of racism
  • Racism vs Prejudice
  • Racist vs Racism
  • Understanding our own experience with racism and talking about it
  • What it’s like to be “membered”
  • Individual vs group identity
  • Diversity within the body of color

Ruth King Links

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Re-Release: Tara Brach

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This week we talk to Tara Brach

Tara Brach is an American psychologist and proponent of Buddhist meditation. She is a guiding teacher and founder of the Insight Meditation Community of Washington, D.C  Brach also teaches Buddhist meditation at centers for meditation and yoga in the United States and Europe including Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Woodacre, California, the Kripalu Center,and the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies.

Brach is an engaged Buddhist specializing in the application of Buddhist teachings to emotional healing. Her 2003 book, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha, focuses on the use of practices such as mindfulness for healing trauma. Her 2013 book, True Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom in Your Own Awakened Heart, offers practices for tapping into inner peace and wisdom in the midst of difficulty.

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 In This Interview, Tara Brach and I Discuss…

  • The One You Feed parable
  • Being kind to the parts of ourselves that are more primitive
  • The difference between feelings and thoughts
  • Dropping the storyline
  • The question of “What am I unwilling to feel?”
  • How we have to go through the difficult emotions to get to peace
  • The importance of remembering the good
  • Not being addicted to suffering
  • The habit of looking for what’s wrong
  • What’s the moment like if there is no problem
  • How we tend to always anticipate a problem 
  • How we are almost always lost in thought
  • Practicing coming into our senses
  • Self-compassion as the most important quality on the spiritual path
  • Only being taught one type of meditation
  • Trying different types of meditation until we find the one that works best for us
  • The quality that helps people progress on the path of meditation: intention
  • How to deal with numbness
  • Tara’s tips on dealing with depression
  • How depression hates a moving target
  • That depression is not our fault
  • Finding refuge in difficult times
  • Instead of asking “What’s the Meaning” asking “What matters to me here”

Tara Brach Links

 

Dorothy Hunt on The Heart of Awareness

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Dorothy Hunt serves as the spiritual director of the Moon Mountain Sangha, teaching the spiritual lineage of Adyshanti. She is also the founder of the San Francisco Center for Meditation and Psychotherapy where she has practiced since 1967. She has several published works, the most recent being her book, Ending the Search: From Spiritual Ambition to the Heart of Awareness. We think you’ll find her teachings profound, liberating and refreshing. In this episode, she and Eric discuss what it means and looks like to awaken to our true reality. She dropped some truth bombs on us and if you listen to the conversation, we think they’ll land on you as well.

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 In This Interview, Dorothy Hunt and I Discuss…

  • How we carry the seeds of everything within us – which do we water with our attention?
  • That everything is an “inside job”
  • Her focus of awakening to our true reality
  • What spiritual ambition means
  • The role of self-inquiry in awakening to who/what we really are
  • A unified reality
  • Desire, effort, and grace
  • Intensity taking the place for ambition
  • Staying put in the not knowing
  • Staying put in the silence
  • Expansion and contraction in life
  • The error of thinking that our spirituality has to look a certain way
  • Alternatives to silence as your soul food
  • Asking ourselves the question: What is the deepest desire of my heart?
  • Asking the follow-up question: And what will that bring? to get to the deepest desire
  • Following your own inner teacher, your inner guidance
  • That happiness is temporarily stopping wanting to be somewhere else
  • That Adyashanti gave her nothing
  • The sword that cuts through illusion
  • When truth is moving it’s not asking permission
  • When we want the truth more than we want life to look a certain way we find it

Dorothy Hunt Links

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Julie Simon on Emotional Eating

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Julie Simon is a licensed psychotherapist, life coach and certified personal trainer with over 30 years of experience in helping overeaters and imbalanced eaters mend their relationship with their feelings and ultimately themselves. She’s also the founder of the popular Los Angels based 12-week emotional eating recovery program. She’s the author of the book When Food is Comfort: Nurture Yourself Mindfully, Rewire Your Brain and End Emotional Eating. In this interview, Julie teaches what’s at the root of emotional eating and the specific steps you can take to build the skills you need to regulate your emotions.

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 In This Interview, Julie Simon and I Discuss…

  • That the most common cause of emotional overeating is difficulty regulating our emotions, moods, thoughts, and behaviors
  • Disconnecting from our emotions being at the root of emotional overeating
  • Relating to our feelings
  • Early interactions with our caregivers
  • Regulating Our Emotions = Our ability to manage our emotions and moods (and regulate our nervous system) so we can control or redirect impulses in our behaviors, thinking before we act
  • Attunement and Attachment
  • Self-medicating
  • Resourcefulness in regulating our brain chemistry
  • Missing self-care skills
  • Being stuck in an earlier phase of development
  • Inner indulging voice
  • The 7 skills involved in inner nurturing
  • Exploring our emotions and bodily sensations
  • Our tendency to move away from unpleasant emotions by focusing on our thoughts
  • Emotion presents in the body first (before we have words for them)
  • Real recovery is experiencing and moving through emotions
  • Soothing behaviors to restore ourselves to calm:
    • Noticing breath
    • Tense and relax parts of the body
    • Getting in comfortable clothes
    • Listening to soothing music
    • Soothing gestures
    • Laying down in the fetal position
  • The goal is not to distract yourself
  • The goal is to calm down enough to pop the hood
  • Telling ourselves that it’s ok to feel the way we feel
  • Validating the feeling not the behavior
  • Having compassion for oneself

Julie Simon Links

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Brandi Lust on Growth via the Present Moment

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Brandi Lust is the founder of Learning Lab Consulting which is focused on mindful, creative growth both at the individual level as well as at the large group and corporate level. In this episode, she and Eric discuss her book, Myths of Being Human: Four Paths to Connecting to What Matters. In their conversation, they cover important and very real topics such as how to grow through suffering, being alive and present in the moment and operating from a state of flow. You may be familiar with these topics on some level, but regardless of your starting point, you’ll dive deeper into them through listening to this episode.

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In This Interview, Brandi Lust and I Discuss…

  • Her book, Myths of Being Human: Four Paths to Connecting to What Matters 
  • Four myths we have as people
  • We are not rational creatures, we are emotional creatures
  • The way we interact with the moment
  • How if your metric is external, it’s never enough
  • The tools she uses to operate from a state of flow
  • How suffering has an important place on the spiritual path
  • That we hold past trauma in our bodies
  • Emotional Residue
  • Feeling it all in the moment so you don’t have to carry it around with you
  • That pain in life isn’t personal – it’s a natural part of the human experience
  • Post Traumatic Growth
  • Making meaning from our difficult experiences
  • Having a belief system of something larger than yourself
  • Can we grow without suffering?
  • Experiencing awe in the moment
  • Secondary Post Traumatic Growth through empathy and understanding
  • Psychological safety
  • Self-transcendence

Brandi Lust Links

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Mark Epstein on the Intersection of Buddhism and Psychology

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Mark Epstein is a psychiatrist in private practice in NYC and the author of many books about the intersection of Buddhism and psychotherapy. He’s currently the clinical assistant professor in the postdoctoral program in Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis at New York University. His most recent book, Advice Not Given; A Guide to Getting Over Yourself is what he talks about in this episode. His wisdom is so incredibly practical, applicable, and helpful. Ideas like whether or not naming your feelings would be a helpful strategy for you and how to work with clinging in its many forms – even the clinging to inner peace – abound in this discussion. Take a listen and enrich your inner life.

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In This Interview, Mark Epstein and I Discuss…

  • The Wolf Parable
  • His book, Advice Not Given; A Guide to Getting Over Yourself
  • The duality that we all struggle with
  • Freud and the Buddha’s nearly identical conclusion
  • What it means to take personal responsibility for our selfish concerns
  • The clinging to that which gives us a sense of control over life
  • The clinging to that which nurtures our ego
  • The eightfold path of the Buddha
  • The conversation with his terminally ill father that inspired this book
  • Right View – being realistic about one’s self and the nature of things
  • How change and death is happening all of the time, moment to moment
  • Trying not to try as it relates to meditation
  • “Take the backward step” in meditation
  • FInding balance in “right effort”
  • Exploring the feelings that we are otherwise afraid of through psychotherapy
  • The link between being with uncomfortable feelings and empathy to others
  • How anything that’s happening in the body or mind can be the object of meditation
  • How useful it is to name a feeling
  • Making a feeling “intelligible” by naming it
  • How useful it can be to find where feelings show up in the body
  • When your mind is not aware of what’s making you act this way (in addiction, compulsive behaviors etc) it’s important to put the words on the feelings
  • Whether or not all emotions show up in the body
  • How clinging takes many forms – even the desire for inner peace
  • “Don’t chase her, let her find you.”
  • That our lives are made dull by our efforts to over control things

Mark Epstein Links

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A grandfather is talking with his grandson and he says there are two wolves inside of us which are always at war with each other. 

One of them is a good wolf which represents things like kindness, bravery and love. The other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed, hatred and fear.

The grandson stops and thinks about it for a second then he looks up at his grandfather and says, “Grandfather, which one wins?”

The grandfather quietly replies, the one you feed 

The Tale of Two Wolves is often attributed to the Cherokee indians but there seems to be no real proof of this. It has also been attributed to evangelical preacher Billy Graham and Irish Playwright George Bernard Shaw. It appears no one knows for sure but this does not diminish the power of the parable.

This parable goes by many names including:

The Tale of Two Wolves

The Parable of the Two Wolves

Two Wolves

Which Wolf Do You Feed

Which Wolf are You Feeding

Which Wolf Will You Feed

It also often features different animals, mainly two dogs

223: Rick Hanson #2

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Rick Hanson, PhD is a Neuropsychologist, teacher and author of many books. He is the founder of the Wellspring Center for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom and an affiliate of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkley. This is the 2nd time Dr. Hanson has been a guest on the show and we invited him back because of how great his work really is. In this episode, he talks all about the fact that who we become is a result of what we grow inside of ourselves. Using the analogy of tending a garden, he teaches us very practical ways to grow and enrich ourselves through the experiences in our lives. Get a pen and paper – you’ll probably want to take notes on this one!
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In This Interview, Rick Hanson and I Discuss…

  • The Wolf Parable
  • His book, Resilient: How to grow an unshakable core of calm, strength, and happiness
  • Who we become is a result of what we grow inside ourselves
  • How you manage your challenges, protect your vulnerabilities, Increase your resources: out in the world, in the body, and in the mind
  • Growing resources in our mind is a good focus
  • Converting an experience into lasting change
  • Slowing down content delivery so that the nervous system in our brains has a chance to receive it and rewire accordingly
  • 5 ways to enrich a beneficial experience:
  • Extend the experience (make it longer)
  • Intensify the experience (really lean into it)
  • Embody the experience (how does it feel in your body and your mind)
  • Freshen the experience (see what’s novel about it? Bring a beginners mind)
  • Value the experience (see the relevance to you)
  • Asking what is the challenge? What resource would be the most beneficial?
  • The mind is like a garden – to grow things, focus on:
  • Mindful witnessing
  • Mindful releasing of what’s negative
  • Mindful receiving (replace what we release or simply receive what would be beneficial)
  • Fighting what’s negative only makes it work
  • Growing a fundamental core of resilient wellbeing
  • Safety, Satisfaction, and Connection are basic needs we have
  • How it takes time to tend a garden
  • How adversity isn’t the only way to grow in life
  • We have to experience what we want to grow inside
  • We have to turn that experience into some kind of lasting change in the brain

Rick Hanson Links

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A grandfather is talking with his grandson and he says there are two wolves inside of us which are always at war with each other. 

One of them is a good wolf which represents things like kindness, bravery and love. The other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed, hatred and fear.

The grandson stops and thinks about it for a second then he looks up at his grandfather and says, “Grandfather, which one wins?”

The grandfather quietly replies, the one you feed 

The Tale of Two Wolves is often attributed to the Cherokee indians but there seems to be no real proof of this. It has also been attributed to evangelical preacher Billy Graham and Irish Playwright George Bernard Shaw. It appears no one knows for sure but this does not diminish the power of the parable.

This parable goes by many names including:

The Tale of Two Wolves

The Parable of the Two Wolves

Two Wolves

Which Wolf Do You Feed

Which Wolf are You Feeding

Which Wolf Will You Feed

It also often features different animals, mainly two dogs

222: Jeff Warren

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Jeff Warren is a former journalist and more recently is a researcher, writer, and teacher of meditation and personal growth practices. His most recent book, written with Dan Harris, is called, Meditation for Fidgitty Skeptics: A 10% Happier How to Book. Jeff is a likable, relatable guy who carries a lot of practical wisdom in his conversational style of communicating. If you’ve ever felt like you’re not good at meditating or that meditation just isn’t for you because your brain never turns off, this interview is for you because that’s how Jeff would describe himself, particularly at the beginning of his practice years ago. We all know that meditation is good for us but for many, it just feels inaccessible and out of reach. If that is how you feel, what Jeff has to share in this interview will make that gap shrink in size so much so that you can hop right over it and try again.
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In This Interview, Jeff Warren and I Discuss…

  • The Wolf Parable
  • His book with Dan Harris, Meditation for Fidgitty Skeptics: A 10% Happier How to Book
  • The role of meditation in living with depression
  • The voice in our heads
  • Not identifying with the voices in our heads
  • Coming out of the conversation in our heads
  • The idea of “I can’t meditate”
  • Thinking we’re supposed to stop thinking when we meditate
  • Changing the relationship with your thoughts
  • Focusing on an anchor, getting lost in thought, realizing you’re lost in thought and coming back to your anchor = mediation
  • How quick we are to conclude that meditation isn’t for us
  • That meditation is a practice
  • Celebrating the coming back from thought in meditation
  • Training affability during meditation
  • Finding enjoyment and curiosity during meditation
  •  Asking “What’s the attitude in my mind right now?” during meditation
  • That attitude is what you’re training during meditation
  • Looking at the world with interest
  • Equanimity = a lack of pushing and pulling on experience
  • Opening to experience so that there’s no friction
  • When everything has permission to express its self fully

Jeff Warren Links

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subscribe in itunes

A grandfather is talking with his grandson and he says there are two wolves inside of us which are always at war with each other. 

One of them is a good wolf which represents things like kindness, bravery and love. The other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed, hatred and fear.

The grandson stops and thinks about it for a second then he looks up at his grandfather and says, “Grandfather, which one wins?”

The grandfather quietly replies, the one you feed 

The Tale of Two Wolves is often attributed to the Cherokee indians but there seems to be no real proof of this. It has also been attributed to evangelical preacher Billy Graham and Irish Playwright George Bernard Shaw. It appears no one knows for sure but this does not diminish the power of the parable.

This parable goes by many names including:

The Tale of Two Wolves

The Parable of the Two Wolves

Two Wolves

Which Wolf Do You Feed

Which Wolf are You Feeding

Which Wolf Will You Feed

It also often features different animals, mainly two dogs

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