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Wise Habits Reminders

Podcast Episode

Move Your Body, Free Your Mind: The Science of Movement and Mental Health with Caroline Williams

May 16, 2025 Leave a Comment

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In this episode, Caroline Williams shares how moving your body can free your mind as she dives into the surprising science of movement and mental health. Caroline spent years studying the brain until she realized she was ignoring half the equation. She explains how movement of all kinds, walking, stretching, dancing, and even laughter can reshape our emotional landscape.

Key Takeaways:

  • The connection between physical movement and mental health.
  • The role of interoception in understanding bodily sensations and emotions.
  • Evolutionary perspectives on the brain’s function related to movement.
  • The impact of physical activity on brain chemistry and emotional well-being.
  • The importance of posture and its influence on emotional states.
  • The benefits of strength training for mood and self-esteem.
  • The decline in physical strength among youth and its implications for mental health.
  • The concept of “movement snacks” and integrating small bursts of activity into daily life.
  • The relationship between dance, rhythm, and emotional connection.
  • The significance of breath control and its effects on relaxation and mental clarity.

Caroline Williams is a science journalist and editor. She’s a consultant for and a regular contributor to New Scientist. Her new work has also appeared in The Guardian, the Boston Globe, BBC Future, and BBC Earth among others.

Caroline Williams:  Website | Instagram

If you enjoyed this conversation with Caroline Williams, check out these other episodes:

Understanding Choice Points for Lasting Changes in Eating and Exercise with Michelle Segar

The Science of Breathing with James Nestor

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Episode Transcript:

Caroline Williams 00:00:00  It’s the most common beat in Western pop music, and it’s also this resonant frequency at which if you just let people walk, that’s what they will go to. And if you get people to tap along to a beat in a lab, that’s also the beat that they are most accurate at.

Chris Forbes 00:00:21  Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts. We have quotes like garbage in, garbage out or you are what you think ring true. And yet for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking. Our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction. How they feed their good wolf.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:06  What if one of the most effective tools for your mental health was your body, not as a replacement for therapy or medication, but as something with profound power in its own right? For me, if I could only choose one intervention for my mood, for my mental health, it would probably be exercise.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:26  And today’s guest, Carolyn Williams, helps explain why. As a science journalist, she spent years studying the brain until she realized she was ignoring half the equation. In this conversation, we’ll explore how movement of all kinds walking, stretching, dancing, even laughter can reshape our emotional landscape. I’m Erik Zimmer and this is the one you feed. Hi, Caroline, welcome to the show.

Caroline Williams 00:01:52  Hello. Thank you very much for having me.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:54  I’m excited to talk to you about your book. It’s called move. How the new Science of Body Movement Can Set Your Mind free. And listeners know I am a big proponent of moving my body primarily in order to make my mind feel better. So we’ll get into all that in a little bit. But let’s start like we always do with a parable. In the parable, there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:31  And the grandchild stops and thinks about it for a second and looks up at their grandparents, says, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

Caroline Williams 00:02:46  I think it’s a really fascinating one, because not only is it true in life, but in science, you know, there’s a real basis for this. Before I got really into movement, my career, 20 years or so as a science journalist, was looking at the plasticity of the human brain and how it changes. And it really is true that what we do, the way we behave, the way we think gets written into our brains in, you know, physical connections between neurons and in the pathways. And, you know, as you sort of walk these paths through your brain, they become more, more.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:22  Worn.

Caroline Williams 00:03:22  In, worn in. Yeah. That’s the word I’m thinking of indented, but that’s not really the word, I mean, but yeah, they, they become like, like pass through long grass, they become better traveled.

Caroline Williams 00:03:32  And so, yeah, it’s absolutely true that, that if you choose to be positive and to choose kindness and compassion, that’s been shown many times that that can actually change the way that your brain works and the way you live your life. So there really is something solid behind that. And that’s sort of the way I like to operate. I guess I’m a bit of a natural skeptic. I want to look for the science, look for, you know, where the evidence lies. And it absolutely does back that up for sure. So I try to live that way myself.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:01  Yeah, I was reflecting earlier today on, you know, I occasionally just somewhat jokingly say like, well, I’m just a bag of chemicals, right? Like, yeah, at the end of the day, we’ve got neurotransmitters and we’ve got hormones and we’ve got electrical connections and synapses, and it’s just all very physical. You know, it has a very physical element to it. It’s chemicals, all that sort of stuff.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:25  And yet those things both control how we feel. And then also the things that we do can change those chemicals. There’s just such an interesting interaction between the two that you would think like, well, if it’s all chemicals, then the way to intervene is chemically, but not necessarily. And your book is a big testament to that, that there are ways of changing what’s happening inside not just our body, but our brain through the way we move.

Caroline Williams 00:04:53  Absolutely. I mean, that’s one of the things that got me started on this whole thing. I’ve been so interested for many years in what’s happening in the brain and how to, you know, change brain chemistry, how to change the way you think and feel focused on the brain. And then it sort of became obvious to me that thinking of your brain is if it’s not attached to the rest of you is kind of weird. And of course, there’s all this pipework that, you know, all the blood flow packed with hormones and, and all kinds of other stuff, and that all the wiring and the electrical activity that’s going up and down our nerves, that all impacts what happens chemically, physically, and as a result, emotionally and the way that we are able to think.

Caroline Williams 00:05:33  So obviously what happens below the neck matters for how we think and feel. And going on from that, it became quite obvious that things that we do to our bodies can change that chemical environment and change the electrical environment. And as has a knock on effect on everything. So. So in a way it’s liberating because you can then use your body as an extension to, to to sort of tweak these parameters and change the way that you feel and the way that life feels to you as well, you sort of outlook on the world.

Eric Zimmer 00:06:03  Yeah. I always find it funny when people talk about like the brain body connection as if they discovered something radical like, oh, I mean, obviously it’s it’s always been connected. You know, I’m not quite sure how we got to. It’s so disconnected. I had a strangely I’m taking things off topic here. Sort of. Not really. I had an epiphany about a week and a half ago. I was doing Loving Kindness meditation, and it was a guided meditation.

Eric Zimmer 00:06:30  And the leader of the meditation instructed you to try and notice where in your body you’re feeling this thing happen. And I realized where I was feeling it mostly was my face, and I had been discounting the face as part of my body for a long time. Every time I was told, look for where this emotion is in your body. If I noticed it in my face, I was like, no, that’s my head. Where’s in my body?

Caroline Williams 00:06:57  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:06:57  But I had this moment where I was like a dummy. Hey, your face.

Caroline Williams 00:07:01  Your face is part of your body.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:03  Is part of your body. It is an emotional center. It’s where I happen to feel a lot of things. And that’s sort of on topic as far as the brain body connection.

Caroline Williams 00:07:13  No, I mean, it’s really relevant because a lot of people struggle to tune in to where these feelings are. So there’s this thing called alexithymia where people aren’t able to put names to their emotions. And if you can’t do that, then it’s really hard to regulate your emotions.

Caroline Williams 00:07:29  So, so things like meditation and, you know, checking in with your body can be a way of sort of tuning in and going, okay, so I’m feeling this right now. I wonder how I can change what I’m doing with my body or, you know, with my face, which is part of my body. And how that can then have a feedback that will maybe make me feel differently. So yeah, that’s really, really relevant. And so that came up quite a lot in my research, that being able to tune into your body and know what it needs and know what your entire body, brain, mind needs is, is a really important skill. And because and often if we’re so sedentary, we’re so disconnected from our body, we’re up in our heads all the time that we don’t often make that connection. So. So it’s a really important aspect of tuning in to your body.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:14  Yeah. So let’s start with talking a little bit about what the brain evolved to do. And I’d also like to talk a little bit about what certain people think the brain is doing, what its role is. Can we talk about those two things real quickly before we move into the specifics of movement?

Caroline Williams 00:08:33  Absolutely. Because this this is where it all comes back to. So we tend to have this idea that brains are there for thinking, and, you know, working stuff out. But actually, if you look way back in our evolutionary history, not every organism on the planet has a brain. Even a lot of animals don’t have brains. And at some point, evolution had to make a decision whether our brains were worth investing in or not. And there’s this very well known neuroscientist called Rodolfo Linas from Colombia. And he pointed out that there’s this creature called the sea squirt. In their adult form, they just look like sort of bagpipes stuck to the bottom of the ocean. And they suck in water through one pipe and they blow it out through the other, and they don’t move. But in their young form, in the larval form, they’re sort of like tadpoles. They swim around the ocean, and their job in life is to find a place on the ocean to attach and live out the rest of their lives.

Caroline Williams 00:09:25  And when they’re in this juvenile stage, they have sort of a very basic brain. And the reason for this is that it needs to coordinate its movements away from things that are harmful and towards rewards. So it’s a basic system. What will kill me, what will help me pass on my genes. And so this basic brain is connected to its basic tail and it swims around. When this larva finds the perfect spot, it attaches basically by gluing its head to a rock. And one of the first things it does is reabsorb its entire nervous system. And it never makes any decisions ever again. So Lina said, well, this just goes to show what a brain is for. A brain is for informing your movements in the world so that it can increase your chances of survival by taking you towards things that will keep you alive and taking you away from things that will kill you. And if you’re not going to move, then you don’t need the brain. And you know they’re expensive bits of kit, they’re high energy and they take a lot to run.

Caroline Williams 00:10:22  And so yeah, from right early on, brains were there to inform our movements in the world. And you can see that everything that’s been added on later right up to our, you know, our clever emotions, you know, if that emotion comes from the words and the Latin for to move away from something. So emotions inform us about what we need to get away from and what we need to get to. So everything else that’s come since then has been about informing our movements in the world, which is something that you don’t often think about. You think brains. Yes, we’ve got a cracking brain for for thinking of very clever thoughts. But at the basis of it, our brains are there to help us move sensibly.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:01  Yeah, I love that analogy of the sea squirt. It explains a lot about the editor of this podcast, Chris also, and what what has happened to him. I think basically what you said is once they stop moving, they basically just get rid of their brain. They just don’t have it anymore.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:15  Yeah, yeah.

Caroline Williams 00:11:16  Yeah, yeah. It just gets recycled because the energy can be reused for something else. And, you know, I’m not saying that a poor editor, I’m sure he’s a lovely man. Very clever man.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:25  Let’s just say he doesn’t move much and he’s not very smart. I’m just making some connections here.

Caroline Williams 00:11:30  I wouldn’t like to comment, but. But it’s true that, you know, in humans, especially this, use it or lose it Nature of our brains became even more sort of tied together in the point of our evolution, when we became hunters and gatherers, because then, you know, our ancestors could maybe sit around in trees munching on fruit and get away with it. And they were absolutely fine when we started moving further afield and looking for food. We had to evolve to be able to stand on our feet and walk long distances and, you know, forage far and wide and hunt. But we also needed to be able to work together to bring down prey, because humans are quite puny, really.

Caroline Williams 00:12:10  You know, we’re not very fast. We’re not very strong. We also needed to be able to, you know, communicate, to work together, to remember the way home. There’s a lot of cognitive work that goes into being a hunter gatherer. And so there’s this idea that that once we started taking this, this way of life, our physiology type together, moving around, being active with the health of our brain. And that explains why, you know, we’ve known for a long time that physical activity prompts the brain to be particularly plastic. It adds more connections. It adds more blood flow. You know, everything works better when you’ve been active. And the reason for that is because these two things go together. That point in our evolution, it stopped being optional to move because if we don’t move as much as our evolutionary history says we should, then the brain starts making savings. And over a lifetime that can be quite significant. So, you know, there is these quite frightening statistics that 13% of Alzheimer’s cases can be traced to a sedentary lifestyle.

Caroline Williams 00:13:07  So over your lifespan, you know, if you’re too sedentary, yeah, that can have a real impact on how your brain ages.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:14  Yeah, Alzheimer’s is a topic near and dear to my heart and my partner Jenny’s heart. Her mom is deep in that disease now, so brain health in general is better with movement. Lots of studies show that I want to pivot a little bit to mental health now, which is similar but slightly different. You say that poor mental health might be part of the price we pay for a cushy life of sofas and supermarkets?

Caroline Williams 00:13:42  Yeah, I mean, because at the end of the day, we are the only creatures on the planet where movement is optional. You know, we can get food, we can find a mate, we can entertain ourselves. We can do everything we like from sitting down and just moving our thumbs and fingers a little bit if we want to. So we have to seek it out. And, you know, statistics suggest that by and large we don’t.

Caroline Williams 00:14:03  And also in working life nowadays, you know, even for people who write about movement for a living, spend a lot of time sitting in this very chair and not moving. So we have to seek it out if we’re going to do it. And obviously, there’s been a real change over over the past decades. We move a lot less than even sort of our parents generation. And we have seen this catastrophic rising in mental ill health and loneliness and all these other sort of things. And clearly, there’s more than one thing going on. I’m not saying. Oh, well, that’s, you know, a straight line between our sedentary lifestyles and mental health. But given that we have got this trend and we know that movement and exercise, even just going for a walk is really, really important and really good boost for mental health, as is strength training. That’s a really, really important one that a lot of people neglect. Being physically stronger has been shown really, really conclusively to help with anxiety and depression and just make people feel more powerful in the world and able to cope that this is measured psychologists call global self-efficacy.

Caroline Williams 00:15:06  And that’s just basically a way of saying, I feel like I can handle stuff. And when people have improved their physical strength through through weight training or body weight training, they do feel more capable. So I think there’s a real role to play in becoming more active in particular ways as well. That could really improve people’s mental health.

Eric Zimmer 00:15:27  I’m going to jump backwards a little bit. Maybe I want to talk a little bit about interception and what it is, and how that leads to what certain scientists call a global emotional moment, and then link in how movement ties into that.

Caroline Williams 00:15:41  Yeah. So interception is sort of a little known sense that we have, and it’s the sense of the internal state of our body. So rather than thinking of, you know, the brain is the master computer that sort of just sends messages downstream. Interception is about a crosstalk between the body and the brain. So you think of the brain more as a sort of facilitator. That sort of takes all the information that’s coming in about, you know, what hormones are in the blood, whether you’re hungry, whether you’re thirsty, whether you’re feeling, whether the fight or flight responses kicked in, you know, all these kinds of things that are going on, even down to our heartbeat.

Caroline Williams 00:16:20  You know, the way that we’re digesting our food, all this information is being passed back and forth, brain and body all the time. And what we know is that slight differences in the messages that are going from the body, these introspective messages can really affect mental health. And there’s this whole body of research now that suggests that some people are more or less sensitive to their introspective signals, and that can make you more or less susceptible to things like depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, all kinds of mental health issues. And it’s involved in things like autism and ADHD and all these kinds of things. The global emotional moment is basically your brain’s picture, you know, taking in all this information. So there’s a part of the brain called the insula that takes all this information and puts it all together and comes up with a sense of how I feel now and the I bit of it than me. The sense of self comes from these bodily signals, and putting them all together brings this global emotional moment. And so it stands to reason that if you do anything to change these messages, then that global emotional moment will change.

Caroline Williams 00:17:28  And so I think tweaking the dials is something that could really benefit people. As I said earlier, tuning in, doing something to change the messages and that will change the way you feel in the moment, but also in the long term. So the strength stuff is really interesting because the idea behind why strength might make you feel more capable is that you’re upgrading these introspective signals from your muscles and from your bones that are just maybe giving this unconscious sense that I’m strong. It’s fine. You can stand down the anxiety because if anything happens, I can handle it. And maybe that’s what explains the very strong link between increased strength and feeling more powerful.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:05  Yeah, I think this is a really important topic. This idea of interception and signals coming from the body that we aggregate them generally, and it creates this global emotional moment because I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about to thoughts cause emotions do emotions cause thought. And you know, it’s a big debate a lot in psychology. And I think the answer is, as near as I can tell, it’s a bidirectional relationship.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:30  I almost more and more I’m starting to go. Are they even different or are they co arise. Yeah. The thing that first got me really going wait I’m not sure that thought always causes emotion is because I was able to notice very clearly. Some days I would wake up and I would just immediately feel a certain way before I’d had any thought. And then it felt like every thought got filtered through that feeling. And that’s what you’re describing. That global emotional moment is sort of like the weather that’s inside. Yeah. Our brain. Yeah. And then our thoughts can’t help but to some degree be influenced by that weather.

Caroline Williams 00:19:10  Yeah. So one way I thought I heard it described I really like is background music. It’s sort of like the background music to our lives. So like when you’re watching a film, you know, you’re watching a horror film and you can’t quite work out why you’re feeling on edge, but it’s the background movement that’s kind of making you nervous. Yeah. And yeah, by changing these introspective messages, you can change the background music on your life so that rather than feeling like, oh God, you know, you know, you can actually do something that makes everything feel a bit more positive and feel a bit more possible.

Caroline Williams 00:19:41  That’s what the power of moving can do in the moment and long term, that if you can change those messages, then in general, your background movement, your life will be better and will be happier, will be more capable.

Eric Zimmer 00:19:51  Yeah. We interviewed it’s been years ago, a woman named Michelle Seeger, and she had done some writing on movement and how it makes us feel. And she said something. I won’t get it exactly right, but it’s stuck with me all these years, all these interviews, which is like, if your body doesn’t feel good, your brain, your mental state, you’re going to feel like shit. The flavor of that may depend on your particular neuroses and conditioning, but if the body is out of whack, it’s going to influence it. And I think that’s what we’re saying with interception. What you’re saying is when we move, it helps the body be in a better place. And thus the messages that we’re getting in the brain are better changing that background music to something that is more enjoyable.

Caroline Williams 00:20:35  Yeah. And in sort of ways that you can’t even put your finger on. Yeah. So just like, you know, when you’re feeling down and, and depressed and miserable, sometimes you don’t know why. Yeah. you know, but if you can improve the background messages, then you can just feel okay. Yeah. For reasons like you don’t have to dwell on you just feel okay, and you’re bumbling along through your life and everything is groovy. So yeah, there’s a lot you can do. And I think it was not really a surprise to me when I started thinking of movement this way. It was sort of a penny dropping, like, well, of course I never feel more like myself than when I’m halfway through a yoga class or, you know, on a long walk or or, you know, kayaking or just doing something active. I know who I am, I feel good, I know what I’m capable of. And everything’s great if I’m slumped down. Not moved. I mean, I had to isolate for ten days when I had Covid.

Caroline Williams 00:21:23  Oh my goodness, I was the worst version of myself ever. I mean, in theory, I could have written several books in that time, but. Well, not really, but, you know, I could have done a lot of work, but I was so miserable. I was so lethargic, you know? And I think if anyone who is quite active sort of knows this in themselves, but it’s kind of interesting to put the science and the philosophy behind it and say, yeah, for me that means there are good reasons to seek it out and to not be lazy even though it’s comfortable.

Eric Zimmer 00:21:49  Yeah. This speaks to two of the mantras that I use on the show the most. One is depression. Hate’s a moving target. It has always been true in my case. And then the other is sometimes you can’t think your way into right action. You have to act your way into right thinking, right? And it speaks to the fact that the action in this case we’re talking about movement.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:07  The actual physical movement changes the way we think. Yeah. Versus just sitting there trying to feel better and think better. Sometimes it just doesn’t work.

Caroline Williams 00:22:17  So my previous book, Override My Plastic Brain in the US was all about trying to think, you know, trying to do something to my brain to change my brain’s workings, you know, to make me less anxious, to make me more creative, to, you know, to change various things. And especially when it came to anxiety, the thing that bugged me about it is that most of the treatments revolve around thinking your way out of it. Thinking I feel anxious about this. Well, logically, that shouldn’t be the case. I can tell myself that I don’t need to be anxious about this and that. That’s not how it works when you’re living it, you can’t think your way out of it. Of course, there’s the issue with things like depression that getting moving in the first place.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:55  Yes.

Caroline Williams 00:22:56  Is a problem. And really interesting research that I found was one of the first signs that an antidepressant medication is starting to work is that people have an increase in voluntary movement, so people want to move more.

Caroline Williams 00:23:08  And then that starts off the, you know, the nice cycle of upward movement, hopefully. But yeah, I think it’s absolutely true that if you can get over that barrier and get yourself moving, then you’re off and you’re off and running. And that’s been shown time and again. Yeah, I wish I had an easy answer to how to get off the chair in the first place, but.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:26  I know that is a cruel irony of really severe depression, is that, yeah, one of the things that might help you a lot is one of the things that’s very hardest to do, which is, you know, why really learning to start small can be helpful. Like how, you know, what’s the what’s the littlest thing I can do with physical activity? The thing I’ve noticed a lot is that let’s say I’m thinking, all right, I need to do a 45 minute bike ride. And my brain thinks about that, and it thinks about the amount of energy a 45 minute bike ride takes.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:59  It knows what it takes. It’s done it. It’s like, okay, that’s a lot of energy. And it compares it to what it feels currently. And it’s like, that’s not doable. Yeah. Which is why the strategy of like, all right, Eric, just put on your bike shoes. Get in the other room. Works. Yeah, this is my own sort of interpretation of what I think is happening in my brain. But my brain is going, oh. Bike shoes are, you know, one unit of energy. You’ve got one unit of energy. I can do it that way until at some juncture, the energy starts to generate from the workout itself and propels me. So that strategy has saved me more times than I can count.

Caroline Williams 00:24:38  I’ve been quite slack on the getting out of bed and doing early morning yoga of late, but I was regularly getting up at six and going sort of half an hour down the road and doing an hour and a half of yoga in the morning.

Caroline Williams 00:24:48  And the way I managed to do that was when I woke up and groaned. Getting out of bed is my least favorite thing in the world. I should just say to myself, tuck and roll. And I would just tuck, roll out of bed and go tuck.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:00  And roll and that’s good.

Caroline Williams 00:25:01  Yeah, tuck and roll hasn’t worked for me that well recently. But now I do go out on a lot of bike rides with friends and having them appear at the door and say, why aren’t you ready? to spur me into action? So, yeah, it’s either pressure from outside or some sneaky strategy can be the way. But, you know, one of the people I met during the research for the book was Marcus Watney, who’s an ultra marathon runner who has suffered with depression his entire adult life. And even he said to me, I just couldn’t understand, how can I push myself to run an ultra marathon over several days when my feet are bleeding and I’m absolutely exhausted? And yet sometimes I can’t get myself out of this depression? You know, I’ve clearly got the strength of mind to do that.

Caroline Williams 00:25:42  Why can’t I do that? So even the best movers struggle with it.

Eric Zimmer 00:26:15  Let’s move into talking about some specific types of movements. One of the things I loved about this book is you set it up as globally, movement is really good for us, but then we kind of go through different types of movement and some of the specific benefits. So let’s talk a little bit about walking. What did you find most fascinating about the research you did into walking?

Caroline Williams 00:26:37  For most people it’s, you know, such an accessible thing that most people can do. I was surprised at how it was such a multi-use tool. So there’s the research into creativity. So, you know, just in a brain focused sense, we know that when activity is turned down in the frontal parts of the brain, which is the bit behind the forehead, that we tend to think less in straight lines, you know, that’s the part of the brain that kind of keeps us tethered and keeps pulling us back and says, don’t be daft, that won’t work.

Caroline Williams 00:27:04  And, you know, keeps us with the obvious options. And we know that, you know, artificially turning down activity in that brain region makes you more creative. We also know that walking does something very similar to this brain region. And so if you go out at a sort of a moderate pace where you’re not having to expend much effort, you’re just sort of meandering, and that tends to turn down this thinking bit of the brain. And the brain goes wide. And that’s been shown to increase creativity. So we have this idea, I think, in modern society, that if we need to work and come up with something new, we need to sit at our desks and bang our head against the desk until we come up with a great idea. I mean, that’s completely not the way we should be doing it. Science says go for a walk and go for a wander. And I think we need to sort of, you know, rebrand working is something that can be done on the move.

Caroline Williams 00:27:50  So that’s one way of using walking that’s really, really easy. And it sort of spills over for about 20 experiments, like for about 20 minutes after you come back for the walk. So have a brainstorming meeting, go out for a wander, come back, and you should have better ideas. Is another way. Is that faster, more brisk walk? So there was some really intriguing research. I came across this this great guy called Dick green, who started off looking at pipe works in oil fields and then turned his attention to pipe work of the human body into the blood vessels. And it’s, you know, I guess it’s sort of the same thing, really. And he found that we essentially have these pressure sensors on our feet. And then when we’re putting weight on our feet and walking, that sort of sets up turbulence in the, in the blood vessels, which adds up to a boost of blood to the brain. And I guess that’s in a way that’s not that surprising. That’s why you feel a bit more alert when you’ve been up on your feet and moving.

Caroline Williams 00:28:39  But he found this sweet spot where our footsteps are at 120 steps per minute, and our heart rate is also at 120 beats per minute. And our heart rate and our footsteps synchronize. And this gives you the best boost of blood to the brain, something like 20%. The even cooler thing about this is that 120 beats per minute. It’s the most common beat in Western pop music. And it’s also sort of this resonant frequency at which if you just let people walk, that’s what they will go to. And if you get people to tap along to a beat in a lab, that’s also the beat that they are most accurate at. There’s something magic about there’s 120 beats per minute. The good thing about it being common in music, you can Google any of your favorite genre of movement and 120 beats per minute, and you can find the music that you can step in time to and just get going. And it seems to make, you know, when your heartbeat gets into synchrony, that’s when you get a boost.

Caroline Williams 00:29:34  So, you know, he doesn’t have firm data that this is what happens in your brain works better. But what he says is it could really account for this feeling of well-being we get when we’re out and moving briskly. So if you want to, not necessarily think broad thoughts, you want to get out there. And after a period of sitting and getting lethargic, you want to g yourself up again and get back in the room. Then going for a very quick stomp is a really effective way of doing that.

Eric Zimmer 00:30:02  At 120 beats per minute, I love that. Yes, there is another idea in that section on walking that says our bones are in constant conversation with our brains. What does that mean? That’s an intriguing statement.

Caroline Williams 00:30:15  I know, because we tend to think of our bones as being these sort of dry, dusty sticks that hold us up and that they don’t do very much. But in reality, they are a living tissue that’s constantly being built up. If we stress them by by putting weight on them or they get broken down, if we’re not putting weight on them and, you know, we start to lose bone density.

Caroline Williams 00:30:35  And when we’re actually building up bone, there is a hormone released from that bone that goes into the blood, and it doesn’t actually have anything to do with the bone building process. What it seems to do is travel to the brain. It sort of docks onto the part of the brain called the hippocampus, which is important for memory. And it’s been shown in in experiments to Improve memory and just make the brain function better. It seems to have an effect on anxiety as well. So this is all sort of connected again. So when we’re putting weight on our bones, we’re strengthening our bones. We’re making our body more able to move us around, away from danger towards rewards. It’s also giving a boost to our brain to learn better and to retain information better. To me, that was a really surprising one. You know, you think of hormones, you think of glands. You know, you think of, you know, all different kinds of things. You don’t think of your bones as secreting hormones that help your brain to work properly, but they absolutely do.

Caroline Williams 00:31:29  So this is really interesting research that we’re now looking into it in terms of cognitive aging, because the bad news is that when you get to about middle age, the production of this hormone osteo calcium drops off. And so you have to do a lot of weight bearing exercise to keep that going, which is, you know, that’s something that’s very important, especially for women in middle age when estrogen starts to drop off, it needs to happen anyway. But this is another reason to keep your bones healthy and to do that weight bearing exercise, not only will you feel better, your brain might work better as well. So yeah, that was a real surprising one for me.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:01  And by weight bearing exercise, in this case we mean walking. Walking is a weight bearing exercise.

Caroline Williams 00:32:06  Yeah. I mean anything that’s holding up your own weight against gravity and moving counts as weight bearing exercise. So we don’t know yet. It’s too early in the research to know whether, you know, adding ankle weights while you go for a walk, you know, gives you, you know, more osteo cassin or whatever.

Caroline Williams 00:32:20  So any form of weight bearing exercise, we don’t know whether more is better, but I would probably suspect that more is better. But I don’t have any data to back that up. So don’t quote me on it. But yeah, I mean what’s the worst that can happen? You can move better, get stronger. all good things come from that.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:34  Yeah. It makes me feel like I need to walk more. My primary cardio exercise is now this peloton bike, which I love and has been great for my amount of time I spend doing cardio and a lot of different things. But it is not, as you say, a weight bearing exercise in the same way. And the other thing about it is it’s not outdoors.

Caroline Williams 00:32:54  Yeah. And, you know, there’s other stuff. This isn’t in the book, but I’ve written about balance and researchers who were working on, you know, our balance is another thing that declines with age. And being on a stationary bike is great for cardio, but if you’re on an actual bike, you’re having to fight gravity and you’re having to keep yourself upright.

Caroline Williams 00:33:10  So being on a stationary bike or a treadmill doesn’t tax your brain in quite the same way as being out in the real world and dodging obstacles and having to look over your shoulder and that kind of thing.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:20  Yeah. Yeah. You write that depressed people walk differently than non depressed people more slowly, hardly moving their arms and assuming a slump posture with their eyes to the floor. I was really struck by that last part, the eyes to the floor thing. I’ve been doing something the last, I don’t know, month or so. It’s called the Alexander Technique. I don’t know if you’ve ever come across it.

Caroline Williams 00:33:40  Yeah, I don’t know much about it, but I have heard of it.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:42  I don’t either still after a month. But part of what the Alexander Technique is trying to do is to get you to recognize Sort of your habitual patterns of use, your body being, you know, the main one, and undo those by sort of letting them go. But one of the things that my Alexander Technique instructor has pointed out to me is that my natural use is head down slightly, looking more towards the floor.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:12  That’s sort of where I naturally orient. And as I’ve started to pay closer attention to that, I’m like, yeah, even when walking, I’m kind of a little bit of that head down. So I was struck by that eyes to the floor piece. You actually talk about it also in the section about core exercises. Also that this is another thing, but I was really struck by that because like I said, it was just pointed out to me this week that I do that.

Caroline Williams 00:34:33  Yeah, I do it too. I catch myself all the time and I have to remind myself, look up, you know, look out at the world and, you know, head up posture matters. Yeah. And that’s another thing. The sort of the core research is, is really interesting. And the effects of just changing the way again. It’s the messages that your body is sending about how you feel. And you know, we know that slumped posture. You know, everything from, you know, a defeated chimpanzee will will sit and slump down and sort of broadcast the message, leave me alone, I give up.

Caroline Williams 00:35:07  that sort of come through to us as well. But the benefit of being a human is we can reflect on that and we can change it. And then we feed back that, you know, the body then tells the brain, okay, you’re setting up straight. You must be feeling better. and there’s some really interesting research into what causes that. And I don’t know whether your listeners will probably know about Amy Cuddy’s power posing research that she got a really hard time because she then linked changes in posture, changes in hormones in the body that hasn’t been backed up by other research. But the fact of posture affecting the way you feel has been backed up many, many, many times. So we’re just still looking for the, you know, the killer mechanism that explains exactly. So, I mean, there’s one potential one that I know in the book, which is really interesting to me for the same reasons I was talking about, like thinking your way out of stress, because there are links that have emerged between like neural links, literally wiring pathways between the adrenal glands that pump out stress hormones and the parts of the brain that control movement.

Caroline Williams 00:36:08  So it’s like this strip of brain tissue across sort of where your headphones go across the top of your head. And these wires from the adrenal glands end up in the part of the brain that controls voluntary movement of the core. So the trunk muscles, the ones that keep you upright or not upright. And it’s really interesting. There’s something to do with movement. There’s something to do with this movement of this midsection of your body and the posture that you keep. It’s linked in with the stress system. And so to me that suggests that rather than having to think your way out of a stressful situation, there’s something you can do with your body. You can strengthen that core, you can change your posture, you can take control and tell yourself via your body that everything’s all right and that you can stand down this stress response. So to me, I mean, I’m hoping that there’s going to be more research in this area. You know, they’re working very hard on it. That will show us exactly how to do that.

Caroline Williams 00:36:58  But but this link, given that we know that posture makes you feel better and that these links are there, it would suggest quite strongly that having strong core, a good posture can, you know, really effectively change the way you feel and how you deal with stress.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:12  In that section on core, you talk about that neural pathway, but you also say that it’s the area of the body where most of our internal organs are found, which means it’s the point of origin for a lot of our inter perceptive messages that we were talking about earlier. And so that that area being, you know, in good shape, so to speak, might improve the way we feel also in that way because the intercepted messages.

Caroline Williams 00:37:40  Yeah. And then there’s this also idea that, you know, this area of the body because the organs are there. So these, you know, the messages from the heart, from the lungs, you know, everything is coming from the stomach, everything’s coming from this region that maybe this sort of is a focal point.

Caroline Williams 00:37:55  So there’s one neuroscientist who thinks that this is why we have this sense of being in our bodies and looking out of it, because these intercepted messages are in our sort of core of our body. So there’s something special about our trunk because that’s where we are in, in some ways. so I think that’s a really interesting viewpoint. You know, a lot of people think, oh, the me is in my head, behind my eyes, actually, maybe a lot of me is is in my mid section of my body where all the important stuff. But the brain is important too. But you know, the other important stuff.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:26  Is there’s a lot of other important stuff. Yes. Yeah. Let’s hit strength training a little bit more. You hit on it to some degree, but there have been studies that compare different forms of exercise or they show and you write about that. Strength training is faster and more powerful effects on self-esteem.

Caroline Williams 00:38:45  Yeah, yeah. So this was one of the things that really surprised me because, you know, everyone knows cardio makes you feel good, gets the blood pumping, endorphins, blah, blah, blah.

Caroline Williams 00:38:53  But studies have shown that strength training alone, regardless of whether you’re doing cardio or other forms of exercise, do lift mood. They help you feel more powerful and more capable in your life. So, and that’s one area that I think is quite easy to neglect. You know, you can go out and do or go for a run. You can go and cycle or swim or whatever. But but actually focusing on your physical strength is something that’s easy to miss. And it’s really important, and especially in young people, because there’s evidence that young people are less strong than they were ten years ago, as are a lot of adults as well. And that, you know, maybe that’s feeding into some of the anxiety issues that we’re seeing in young people. And, you know, that they’re they’re feeling really under pressure, unable to cope. So, you know, giving them strength at an early age can hopefully give them some tools to take forward into their adult life and feel confident and feel that they matter and that they’ve got something to offer the world.

Caroline Williams 00:39:51  So so is something that we’re missing out on. And I think we could definitely do better with.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:55  Yeah. The studies that you referenced were a little bit staggering, depending on how you measure strength. We’re talking about a 20 to 30% decrease in youth since the year 2000. That is not very long ago.

Caroline Williams 00:40:08  I know it’s kind of terrifying really. You know, I have a 12 year old and I think, oh, luckily he’s a fidget like I am. So he’s always on the move and doing stuff. But but yeah, I mean it’s still very easy to go through school and come out the other end and feel that physical activity and movement is not for you, and you’re not a sporty kid and you’re not very strong, and that’s really got to change. It’s not helpful because those kids then leave, and then they’re not the ones who who seek out movement in adulthood. And you know, when you really have to seek it out because you haven’t got the time anymore, like you did when you were a kid.

Caroline Williams 00:40:41  Yeah. So I think we need to, to do better for children in schools. You know, we’re cutting down on p time. We’re cutting down on break time, recess time. And kids aren’t playing outside like they used to. They’re not walking to school like they used to. yeah. Yeah, there’s all kinds of things that they’re not doing that are playing into this. And I think, really needs to be urgently looked at.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:02  Yeah. And as you said, strength training is one of the easiest areas to let go. Like I mentioned, the cardio bike that I have sitting next to me here, I just use it a lot and I love it. Strength training has proven to be more challenging for me to do consistently. What’s actually worked for me is I found I’ve really needed a trainer, someone virtually, and luckily I’m in a position where I’m able to afford that from time to time. But yeah, it is. It’s a harder thing for me to motivate myself to do and to know, like, what’s the right level? How much should I be doing? There’s more nuance to it.

Caroline Williams 00:41:38  Yeah, it’s not obvious, is it? Going for a run. You know, when you’re breathless and you know you can go a bit further than you did last time? It’s a bit tricky, but, I mean, it doesn’t always have to be using weights and in a gym or, you know, doing anything like that. We can build stuff into our lives. So I try and make an effort now so you can’t see from the screen. But I’m actually really small. I’m four foot 11. I’m quite slight. If I’m out somewhere and someone say if I’m carrying something and someone says, can I help you with that? I always say, no, no, I’m fine. You know, I’m making an effort to to carry things because that’s really important that you can use what strength you have and keep it going. So it can be as simple as as choosing to carry your shopping home, choosing to lift and carry stuff rather than putting it in a shopping trolley. You know, we can build these things into our lives and after a while they become habits.

Caroline Williams 00:42:23  So that’s another way of doing it. For people who aren’t necessarily into getting into Lycra and lifting weights and don’t because a lot of people don’t feel comfortable.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:32  I’m not in Lycra. That’s. I’m not wearing Lycra. Yeah, not. I’m telling you.

Caroline Williams 00:42:37  I know.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:39  Chris. On the other hand, Chris is. No.

Caroline Williams 00:42:42  Poor Chris, he’s loving the Lycra. Well, he’s halfway there then.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:45  He’s wearing Lycra, but he’s not. Yeah, he’s halfway there, but he’s not moving. Really tight Lycra in this case.

Caroline Williams 00:42:53  Yeah. I mean, it can also be body weight exercise as well, because, you know, I spent some time with the move knit community who are interested in using your body in a sort of human animal kind of way. So they don’t lift weights, they lift boulders, they don’t, you know, sweat. They don’t go to a swimming pool. They might swim in a river, you know, things like crawling. I spent a morning crawling in a park in London.

Caroline Williams 00:43:14  My goodness. I mean, I really could not move. The next day I.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:17  Had to go.

Caroline Williams 00:43:18  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it was quite incredible. So it doesn’t necessarily have to be that complicated. And even so, the main change that I’ve made to my working life to get more movement in is rather than sitting at my desk all day. I spent a lot more time sitting on the floor because the one thing about sitting on the floor, you have to get up and you know your leg pressing your entire body weight every time you do that. And if you’re like me and you keep forgetting you’ve lost your pen, it’s upstairs. You have to run upstairs. Get it up, down, up, down. Yep. And in studies of, you know, people in the blue zones, you may have come across places in the world where people are far more likely to live to 100 than anywhere else. So studies of these people, you know, there’s lots of factors that seem to feed into their long lifespan.

Caroline Williams 00:44:00  But one of them is that they have movement as part of their everyday life. So these little old ladies in Okinawa and Japan, they have low tables and they’re constantly hopping up and down from these low tables and, you know, going out gardening and foraging and bending down and stretching up. So sort of building that kind of stuff into your life can, can actually improve your strength. And, you know, they call them movement snacks in movement, which I love because it’s a bit like, you know, when you’re sitting eating snacks, you know, they add up in terms of calories without you really noticing. and that can have a real physical effect. It’s the same for movement snacks. They add up over time. You don’t notice that you’re popping up and down from the floor, but you’re still strengthening your legs. You’re still improving your overall strength, so it all counts. And the less you’re doing in the first place, the more a small amount will have an impact. So it doesn’t have to be going out and becoming Arnie, getting really big bulging muscles.

Caroline Williams 00:44:50  And in fact, that’s the other thing about strength training. The improvements in mental health and in feeling more confident and powerful. They happened before any physical changes were detectable in the muscles. So it’s not even that you have to build more muscle. It’s just letting your body know that you can do it and that the strength is there and it sort of releases a bit of latent potential that you didn’t necessarily know you had. So yeah, you don’t need to get buff. That’s not necessary at all.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:35  All right. Dance. Let’s talk about dance. Of all the exercises that we’ve talked about, probably the least number of listeners are doing.

Caroline Williams 00:45:44  Yeah. Yeah. Very, very few people dance. And when we get to adulthood, we seem to stop dancing, which is a real shame. And it’s a really fundamental part of what it means to be human. So no other creatures dance. Or if they do, they’re dancing at a different rhythm that we can’t work out. But they don’t dance like we do to the beats, the 120 beats per minute like we do.

Caroline Williams 00:46:05  And there are lots of theories about why that is, that humans as dancers. And one of the things is that it helps us bond. You know, this whole point of needing each other and needing to be socially bonded. Dance is a way of bringing us together. And so the idea behind this is that when we moving, you know, we have these so proprioceptive inputs Is that so that’s a slightly different to interception. It’s it’s the bodily sense of where our body is in space without having to look. And that’s an important thing of knowing who I am and where I end. And you begin. So when we’re moving, we have this proprioceptive sense of where our body is in space. If we’re moving in synchrony with somebody else, then the information about their body movements coming in through our other senses, our brains get confused. They can’t really separate the two. And so this sort of breaks down the barrier between me and you, and we start to feel more connected. And there’s all these intriguing experiments where they get people to move in time together, and then they get them to do kind of gambling tasks, and they can either stuff each other’s chances of winning or they can cooperate, and everyone goes home happier.

Caroline Williams 00:47:06  And people are far more likely to cooperate with each other when they’ve moved together first. So there’s something about being a human, caring about other humans, feeling connected that moving together just makes happen naturally. So yeah, it can be embarrassing to dance with other people, but it doesn’t have to be dance. It could be yoga, it could be Tai chi. It could be an aerobics class, you know, it could be all kinds of ways moving in synchrony with other people. But it’s something I think we’re missing out on. Definitely. And and you can actually get the same effect on your own. So I spoke to this neuroscientist called Peter Janata who he works on the psychology of the groove, which is, you know, getting into the groove of music and feeling like you can’t help but move your body to it. And he says that when you’re listening to music that’s made by other humans moving their bodies, that’s how the sound is getting creative. You’re moving along with that. It’s kind of like an invitation to join in with the band.

Caroline Williams 00:47:58  And so you’re moving to the movements of other people, and you can still get this sort of sense that you’re part of something bigger than yourself. So, so even dancing alone in your kitchen, which I do quite a lot of, can help you feel connected to other people in society. So that’s, to me, is the most important reason to sort of get over ourselves and dance a little bit more.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:18  In this science of the groove, he surveyed a wide number of people about the Grooviest song, and regardless of their musical interest, one song kind of came out head and shoulders above the rest. What was it? Let’s give the listeners a second to guess you guess listeners. Yeah, I guess. What do you think is the most grooviest song? I’ll tell you, it is not groove is in the heart by delight, so you can take that one off your list, even though it’s pretty groovy.

Caroline Williams 00:48:45  It’s probably up there, though.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:47  It might be. All right. Now you can tell us.

Caroline Williams 00:48:49  Okay, okay. I think everyone who ever heard this will get it immediately. It’s Superstition by Stevie Wonder. And the reason why maybe is because it’s got this syncopated beat. So you’re not just stomping along to the beat, which does do something amazing to us. We sort of we feel connected to the beat. We feel empowered that we’re going along to it and we get this boost of dopamine. We feel good. But the syncopated beat, it’s sort of like a secret rhythm. We can decode it, and then we can sort of roll our hips and move the arms around, and then you kind of feel groovy. I mean, it’s a it’s an old, It’s an outdated word, but we’re bringing it back for neuroscience. And one idea about, you know, why this makes us feel good is that there are the balance. Organs of our inner ear are connected to the limbic system, which is the brain’s sort of emotional control senses. So when we’re sort of dancing, we’re sort of almost falling and catching ourselves.

Caroline Williams 00:49:39  And the syncopated beat gives us this is a bit like, you know, in the same way a joke makes us laugh because it sets up expectations and it violates it. You know, it pulls out the rug from under our feet, and we laugh because it’s funny. The same sort of thing happens when we’re trying to follow a syncopated beat. We’re almost falling over and we catch ourselves and we feel good. And so we have this kind of lovely feeling that we just feel amazing. And that’s where we can’t help but move our bodies to it. So I love that. I can’t resist superstition. That was played a lot in my university years and it gets me grooving every time.

Eric Zimmer 00:50:07  So yeah, dancing is good. I’ve taken up the occasional just put it on a song and you might call what I’m doing jumping around more than dancing, perhaps my old punk rock days, But hey, you know, it does work.

Caroline Williams 00:50:19  Well that works. The sensitivity of the kind of gravity detectors in our ears, they’re very sensitive to up and down movements.

Caroline Williams 00:50:25  So that’s why, you know, when especially when it’s loud. There’s this thing called the rock and roll threshold where when the music is above this threshold, I think it’s 120dB. I could be remembering it wrong. But anyway, when it’s loud enough, people start moving and they can’t help but Bob and you know, even if it’s just a stomp of the feet and a bounce of the head, you can’t help it. And so, you know, sort of pogoing along. It’s the sort of dancing that you could do anywhere in the world if someone was drumming and you wouldn’t look daft. It’s the kind of, you know, the toddlers do when they first start moving with the beat before they realize they’re supposed to be embarrassed and they’re supposed to not do that, you know, stomping around and, you know, bashing the air with your fists. It makes you feel good. So, yeah, you can do it by yourself. It’s okay. Yeah. and it still works. I actually had the most embarrassing experience joining in with a freeform dance group that I went to, sort of as part of my research, and it was.

Caroline Williams 00:51:15  It was pretty embarrassing, the whole thing when we were wafting around, you know, just as your body wants to. And you and I was like, my body doesn’t want to move. My body wants to go home. This is awful. But when the beats got going and, you know, the whole room was just stomping along, it was amazing. And and by the end of it, I had this sense that I wasn’t moving my legs and arms. They were moving me. I was just along for the ride, and it was just this amazing feeling. I was on a total high of a days afterwards. And you know, this was how we got out of our minds and just enjoyed being rather than thinking before, you know, we invented other ways of getting out of our minds. And it works and it’s free and you can do it and you can still drive home afterwards. So yeah, it was a bit of an eye opener for me. I have to say.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:56  I did a conscious movement free form movement class virtually.

Caroline Williams 00:52:02  And did you keep your camera on?

Eric Zimmer 00:52:03  Yeah, yeah we did. And my partner was here with me and yeah, that’s a strange experience, you know, like just move in the way your body wants to move like you. I was like, my body wants to hide in a chair in the corner the minute you’ve suggested this. Yes, exactly.

Caroline Williams 00:52:19  Don’t ask my body. It has no idea.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:21  Yeah, but yeah. Over time, I began to unwind a little bit and enjoy it.

Caroline Williams 00:52:26  Yeah. I mean, I sort of had to work with myself because I was hanging on to the radiator in the corner of this sort of drafty village hall. And I thought, you know, seriously, the only way you’re going to look ridiculous in this situation is to stand there and not do anything. These people don’t know you. I mean, I had quite a few friends that said, I’ll come with you. That sounds funny. I’m like, no, that’s exactly.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:42  What I’m.

Caroline Williams 00:52:42  Going on my.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:44  Own. That’s what I was saying. Having my partner here in the house with me almost made it worse. You know, it would have been easier with a group of strangers. You did another of the things that I suspect would be really great, but watching it from the outside, it looks painful to even be a part of, which is laughter. Yoga.

Caroline Williams 00:53:03  Yeah, yeah, even even. He even gives me a nervous laugh just even thinking about it. But yeah, but I mean, the reason for doing laughter yoga is that studies suggest that laughing, a proper belly laugh is a better workout for your abs, for your core, than crunches. So, I mean, ideally you would have friends that make you absolutely crack up a lot and, you know, make your belly sore at the end of it. But if not, then laughter yoga isn’t is another way of going about it. But yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:36  You still you still look skeptical. Yeah, I don’t get the sense you’re going back.

Caroline Williams 00:53:41  No, no, I don’t really think that is my thing. Luckily, I have very funny friends and a funny husband and a funny child and a dog that I could either laugh or cry at most of the time because he’s such a ridiculous animal.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:51  But what kind of dog? Now, I got to ask. We’ve talked about him twice now.

Caroline Williams 00:53:54  Yeah, he is a collie crossed with a New Zealand hunter, which is basically they took Welsh collies to New Zealand and thought, we need a bigger dog that can be more demanding. It can run up mountains and it can bark at the top of its lungs for 14 hours straight. So he’s quite demanding.

Eric Zimmer 00:54:12  Wow.

Caroline Williams 00:54:12  Yeah. I don’t know what I do know what I was thinking, I was thinking, I want a dog and I like collies. And I didn’t really read up enough about Hunter ways. I don’t recommend it unless you really want to run up and down hills. But he’s great. He gets you great character, he gets me moving.

Caroline Williams 00:54:26  And you know, there’s really no option if you’ve got someone he doesn’t do what my previous dog did, which is just come and stare at you until you take him out for a walk. You can ignore a stare. He will come and literally bark in your face until you go. Fine, fine. I’ll take you out. So yeah, it’s not negotiable for him at all. And seeing him, you know, I was saying before about, you know, if other animals dance, maybe we just can’t tune into it when he gets together with other herding breeds that it’s like they they click into each other, right? Okay. You go on the inside, I’ll go on the outside and you just run in circles and it’s like a form of dance, and you can see that they just feel amazing when they’re doing it. So maybe we just can’t tune in.

Eric Zimmer 00:55:00  I’ve had mutts in the past that have a significant amount of collie in them. The herding instinct is fascinating to watch in them.

Caroline Williams 00:55:06  Yeah, it’s very strange, isn’t it?

Eric Zimmer 00:55:08  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:55:08  I have a Boston terrier. She’s old, but she’s still active. And she does. I call it her ball or her bone dance. She. She loves her ball. And sometimes she loves a bone. And basically she just gets on her back and rolls, like, I mean, she doesn’t roll. She gets on her back and wiggles on top of this thing she loves. Just over and over and over and over again. I mean, it looks to all the world like she is dancing.

Caroline Williams 00:55:33  Yeah, we call it doggy breakdancing. Yeah, Django does that too. My dog does that too. He likes likes a bit of breakdancing and he usually teams it with her. It’s like he’s singing and dancing when he’s doing it. Yeah. You have to be a mad dog person to understand.

Eric Zimmer 00:55:47  I know, I know. We’re going to we’re going to have to pivot here so that we don’t turn this entire show into dogs. Stretching is another part of the book, another type of movement.

Eric Zimmer 00:55:56  So I want to make sure people get all of them. We’ve got walking, strength training, dance, the core stretching. But where we’re going to end is breath control. I’ve been very interested in breathwork over the last year. We had James Nestor on who wrote a great book about the breath. And but you brought up some really great things there also, and I wanted to start with, meditation. And the most common style of meditation probably is to sit and just follow your breath. Don’t control it, just follow it and observe it. But you talk about how a scientist or two got interested in, hey, what’s happening in the benefits of meditation? Is it something to do with what’s being done with the mind, or is it something to do with what’s being done with the breath? Can you share a little bit more about that?

Caroline Williams 00:56:44  Yes, this was sort of trying to tease apart whether it’s the act of mentally focusing on the breath that gives you these sort of changes in brain function and the way that you feel, or whether it’s something to do with the breathing.

Caroline Williams 00:56:57  And it’s really interesting that the actual act of breathing through your nose in and out, through your nose, what you’re basically doing is harnessing your brainwaves and sort of taking their rhythm under control, which sounds completely out there, but it kind of makes sense when you think about the way that the brain works. And again, it’s all about getting information from your environment and then using that sensibly to improve your chances of survival. So when you’re taking your breath through your nose, there’s a lot of information about the environment, how safe or rewarding it is in in that. And so this information goes to the the olfactory cortex, which is sort of at the top of the nose. And then to make use of that information, what you then need to do is to get other brain areas. So the bits that are to do with memory, to make sense of what this information means, and then emotional responses, you know, does this make me scared? Does this make me happy? Whatever. And for all those different brain regions to talk to each other, they need to be on the same brainwave frequency.

Caroline Williams 00:57:55  And so as a result of that working of the brain, when we breathe in and out through our nose, the whole brain starts to synchronize and beat to the same rhythm. And when we slow down our breathing, that has the effect of slowing down brainwaves as they propagate through the brain. So even as I’m saying this, it sounds so far fetched, but this is what studies are showing with EEG, which is looking at the frequency of brainwaves across the brain. And so when you really, really slow it down. So this particular experiment was looking at when you slow your breath down to three breaths per minute. So that’s really quite difficult to keep up. In fact, in the study, a few of the volunteers actually fell asleep during the study because they were so relaxed they just drifted off. But that can sort of take you into this altered state of consciousness, where you are more in a sense of of being rather than thinking, you know. I’m not big on sitting around. This explains why all these expert meditators commit to all this, sitting around and breathing slowly, and can actually do this for this long because it takes you to this amazing state of just being and being at one with the universe.

Caroline Williams 00:59:03  I haven’t managed it myself, but it seems worth aiming for to me. I would definitely fall asleep. Sleeping is like my my thing. I can definitely fall asleep anywhere but at different rates. You know, six breaths per minute is a lot easier to do, and that’s if you get people to breathe at different rates. The one that they tend to say that was the most comfortable and relaxing is six breaths per minute. And interestingly, in studies of things like chanting, reciting the rosary in Latin, sort of these sort of prayer based practices, studies of those have found that it tends to naturally make people’s breath go to six breaths per minute. So it’s almost like humanities worked out that this is how you feel good. This is how you feel calm and held and looked after. So breathing at six breaths per minute has all kinds of benefits. It fills your lungs more effectively. It activates the vagus nerve, which calms the whole nervous system down. And so it’s just this very easy. I mean, it doesn’t even feature when you think about movement, but this is a voluntary movement that our species can do and not many others can to sort of override just the in and out of oxygen into our bodies and to take control.

Caroline Williams 01:00:09  And that can change the way that we feel. And it’s such a simple thing. You don’t have to be fit. You don’t have to be strong. You don’t have to be able. Anyone can do it. It’s really, really important thing to do. And we don’t know yet how important it is or whether it makes any difference if you do that breathing whilst moving. So I find that when I’m breathing and moving, that’s how I get myself into that kind of calm state is by doing yoga and focusing on breathing. But it seems that there is a small amount of evidence that it might be even more effective if you’re moving and breathing at calm rate at the same time. So you maybe hit more of these buttons. You get the core exercise, you get the strength, you get the breathing, you get the stretching. All of these things in one.

Eric Zimmer 01:00:52  Yeah. That’s one of the things about yoga that when I take it in a class that I wish is that it would slow down, you know, because you’re moving on the in and the outbreath, you know, is that the movement would span a longer breath.

Eric Zimmer 01:01:05  More to that, you know, 5 in 5 out count, which is, yeah, that’s what six breaths per minute works out to. Right. Five on the inhale, five on the exhale.

Caroline Williams 01:01:14  So the kind of yoga that I really fell in love with sort of about ten years ago, more than that now is Ashtanga. And you don’t follow the instructor.

Eric Zimmer 01:01:22  You do your own pace, right.

Caroline Williams 01:01:23  You do your own pace. And that’s when it really clicked for me that I wasn’t breathing. Now breathe out. Now I was like, well, how do you know when my lungs are full? You know, but if you’re doing it at your own pace, you can really you can really feel it when you get going. I have got into that state of being and just calm and awareness of my body, and it’s an amazing feeling. And you don’t necessarily get that if somebody is dictating your breath.

Eric Zimmer 01:01:46  That’s right.

Caroline Williams 01:01:47  That’s.

Eric Zimmer 01:01:47  Right. Yeah, yeah. I always find that I’m like, the speed is off for me.

Eric Zimmer 01:01:51  Yeah, I found the six breaths per minute. I think certain people call it coherent breathing. Fascinating that that is the rate that ties to a lot of ancient prayer type practices. And then three breaths per minute does take a little bit of effort. But it’s interesting. I’m practicing a little bit differently now, but for a while I was a very focused Zen Buddhist. So I was was really doing that type of meditation. But if you go back further into the Zen tradition, there is talk about controlling your breath in a way that doesn’t typically show up in what we think about with meditation. And it was about this very light. So you’re not moving a lot of air, but you’re doing it, you know, closer to what you’re describing, which is that, you know, three breaths per minute.

Caroline Williams 01:02:39  That’s really interesting. So yeah, you don’t have to be sort of huffing and puffing and making a real effort, but what you’re doing is sort of taking control and sort of controlling the rate.

Caroline Williams 01:02:48  Yeah. The research which suggests that what you’re doing is really sort of slowing down the activity of the brain, and then that can get you into this state of Zen. I guess, you know, the state of being and being one with the universe.

Eric Zimmer 01:03:00  Yeah. And I think that’s what makes slow breathing hard for a lot of people is we tend to equate slow breathing with deep breathing, which we then sort of naturally equate with moving a lot of air. So there’s this like, you know, this strong. Yeah. You can’t inhale that forcefully for 10s. Like it doesn’t work that way. It’s a much lighter moving less air. Over a longer period of time. Anyway, thank you so much, Caroline, for coming on the show. Thank you so much for this wonderful book that teaches us so much about how to move. And you’ve just got a line which is basically the message is move more in your brain will thank you in the long run and in the short run.

Caroline Williams 01:03:40  Absolutely. Yeah.

Caroline Williams 01:03:42  Yeah. Your life will will be better. Yeah. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? You’ve moved.

Eric Zimmer 01:03:46  You’ve you get healthier.

Caroline Williams 01:03:48  You’ve had a good time. Yeah. You can always sit down afterwards. Yeah. And, you know, at the end of the book, I talk about rest and the importance of rest. It’s not about necessarily getting more exercise in. It’s about moving your body around more. And it doesn’t have to hurt. You don’t even have to change your clothes and shoes. You just have to remember that you’re an animal that needs to move and stretch and breathe and make sure that you do that.

Eric Zimmer 01:04:08  Well, thank you so much.

Caroline Williams 01:04:09  Thank you very much for having me. It’s been lovely to talk to you. I think I’ve learnt a lot too.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

Navigating the Messy Parts of Life: Embracing Imperfection and Growth with Josh Radnor

May 13, 2025 Leave a Comment

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In this episode, Josh Radnor discusses the messy parts of life and embracing imperfection and growth. Josh Radnor explains how, even outward success, fame, acclaim, creative fulfillment isn’t enough to quiet the deeper battles within. He shares how real freedom comes not from achieving perfection, but from making peace with the messy, unfinished parts of ourselves. From navigating identity and public image to sitting in deep discomfort. Josh offers a powerful reminder that a meaningful life isn’t built on external measures. It’s shaped from the inside out.

Key Takeaways:

  • Discussion on the duality of human nature and the internal struggle between positive and negative traits.
  • The significance of thoughts and actions in shaping a meaningful life.
  • The role of time in personal growth and self-perception.
  • The complexities of self-image and public persona.
  • The importance of embracing imperfections and the “messy” aspects of life.
  • Reflection on the wisdom gained from aging and life experiences.
  • The negotiation between acceptance and action in facing life’s challenges.
  • Insights on meditation and the emotional challenges it can provoke.
  • The value of community and shared experiences in personal growth and healing.

Josh Radnor is an actor, writer, director, and musician. Recent television: Hunters (Amazon) opposite Al Pacino and Fleishman is in Trouble (F/X, Hulu.) He is best known for his leading role on CBS’ Emmy-winning How I Met Your Mother. Additional TV: Rise, Mercy Street, Centaurworld, Grey’s Anatomy, Six Feet Under. He wrote and directed two feature films (happythankyoumoreplease & Liberal Arts) both of which premiered at the Sundance Film Festival, the former winning the 2010 Audience Award. Other film: Afternoon Delight (dir: Joey Soloway), Social Animals, 3 Birthdays, All Happy Families. Theater includes the world premiere of Itamar Moses’ The Ally (The Public Theater), Little Shop of Horrors (Kennedy Center), Richard Greenberg’s The Babylon Line (Lincoln Center), the Broadway production of Ayad Akhtar’s Pulitzer Prize winning play, Disgraced. He made his Broadway debut in The Graduateopposite Kathleen Turner. As a musician he made two albums with Aussie singer-songwriter Ben Lee as Radnor & Lee. Solo music: One More Then I’ll Let You Go, Eulogy: Volume 1 & Volume 2. You can find his popular Museletters over on Substack. 

Josh Radnor:  Website | Instagram

If you enjoyed this conversation with Josh Radnor, check out these other episodes:

A Soul Boom Discussion on Mental Health, Spirituality, and Connection with Rainn Wilson

Spiritual Journeys with Rainn Wilson & Reza Aslan

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Episode Transcript:

Eric Zimmer 00:01:17  We often imagine that once we have it, all the inner struggles will disappear. But as Josh Radnor reminds us today, even outward success, fame, acclaim, creative fulfillment isn’t enough to quiet the deeper battles within. In this conversation, Josh shares how real freedom comes not from achieving perfection, but from making peace with the messy, unfinished parts of ourselves. From navigating identity and public image to sitting in deep discomfort. Josh offers a powerful reminder that a meaningful life isn’t built on external measures. It’s shaped from the inside out. I’m Eric Zimmer. And this is the one you feed. Hi, Josh, welcome to the show.

Josh Radnor 00:02:02  Thanks for having me.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:03  I am really excited to have you on and talk with you about your new podcast, Substack. Your life as a musician and obviously your life as an actor. But before we get to that, we’ll start like we always do with the parable. And in the parable, there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:25  One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops. They think about it for a second. They look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

Josh Radnor 00:02:50  Yeah, it’s one of the greats. I mean, it’s a you built the entire show around it and I understand why. I think it’s about free will at some core level, but I also am very suspicious of people who say they’re all good. And I’m also suspicious of people who say someone is all bad. I think that we have worlds inside us. We have the whole world inside us. And so I just think it’s an honoring of the fact that there is that dark wolf, but it’s also an acknowledgement that where we put our attention is what we grow.

Josh Radnor 00:03:25  So I sometimes think about it like I have like 51% of like the light wolf in me and 49% like there is a slight majority of like the wolf of kindness and virtue and all that. But there’s this other part of me, and I think we’re in a shadow denying society. That’s why there’s so much blame and shame and accusation and finger pointing and scapegoating. So I think it’s a sign of great mental health to acknowledge the dark wolf inside you, to at least say it’s there, and then you might be much less trigger happy at pointing the finger at other people.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:58  Yeah. In one of your essays on Substack, you actually talk a little bit about this. You talk about internal family systems and Richard Schwartz. We’ve had Richard on the show to talk about internal family systems. And I think the thing when I hear the parable today, right, I’ve been reading it for a decade now, is that like, there’s not two wolves inside me. There’s a whole bunch of them, right? I mean, there’s a lot going on in there when I pay close attention.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:24  And but I think ultimately you sort of put your finger on it when you said it’s about where do I put my attention? And I think putting our loving attention on the parts of ourselves that might seem like the dark wolf, that’s the way you do it, right? You know.

Josh Radnor 00:04:40  Right? Right? Right. Yeah. I think Richard Schwartz really cracked something there. This kind of search for some sort of solitary identity feels like folly. Yeah, like you just have to kind of acknowledge that there’s, like, a chorus of voices, wounded parts of ourselves even, you know. Ancestors are, you know, higher kind of voices that are wiser than our maybe our current self. Like those are all in there too, and they’re all accessible. I think if we get quiet enough or skilled enough at kind of just asking to be contacted with them.

Eric Zimmer 00:05:08  Yeah. You’ve got a new podcast out, which is a rewatching of the show that I guess we would say made you famous, which is called how I Met Your Mother.

Eric Zimmer 00:05:18  Yeah. And in that show, there’s the character who’s, I don’t know, in his late 20s, early 30s. And there’s also the character as a 50 year old, sort of that narrating. Right. And I think what you just said there sort of ties to this idea that we can access wiser parts of ourselves. And one of the ways to do that, actually, I think, and lots of different traditions have talked about this, is to imagine your 50 year old self or your 70 year old self or your 80 year old self. So the show way back when was kind of on to an idea that I see recur in psychology and various indigenous traditions about trying to contact that part of you that’s actually already wise.

Josh Radnor 00:06:01  Yeah, yeah, it’s true. And it is something we’re unpacking on how we made your mother the podcast Craig Thomas and I are doing. My wife is a clinical psychologist, and one of the things she will sometimes ask patients to do that she’s told me that I think is so wonderful is if they’re tied in knots about something and really confused about an issue, she’ll say without thinking, what is your 85 year old self say? You know, and the 85 year old self is there.

Josh Radnor 00:06:26  It’s ready to communicate. Most of the time it’s this is not a big deal. Or don’t let’s not worry. Let’s not worry about that, you know? But I’ve asked Craig and Carter, the other co-creator, about this notion of an older, wiser narrator character looking back on his life. There’s that great Kierkegaard quote, life can only be understood backward, but it has to be lived forward. So you have this narrator, wiser voice who’s looking back, and he can be a little more lighthearted about things because he knows how things worked out. Whereas the character I was playing was much more stumbling through one foot in front of the other. You know, I asked them they were in their late 20s, early 30s when they were writing the show. I mean, it lasted for a decade, but like, it was a kind of chutzpah, you know, to say like, oh, no, we’re going to write this older US voice, this older, wiser voice. But they were also the age of the protagonists.

Josh Radnor 00:07:14  Yeah. And they said it was almost like a hope. It was like a hope that there was some voice out there that could be guiding and benevolent. I think ultimately, it’s a very sweet part of that show, that there’s this narrator that knew that he landed on his feet so he can tell all these embarrassing stories about himself.

Eric Zimmer 00:07:33  Absolutely. Yeah, I think that, again, that idea is that wisdom is actually not that complicated. Like, we can keep reading about it. And I’ve been making podcasts for a decade on the general ideas of what it means to live a good life. They’re not that complicated. The problem is that a we forget them constantly and b, we don’t know how to live them.

Josh Radnor 00:07:58  Right. Right. I mean, I think that you can almost recognize truth by its simplicity. If something is almost like overly complicated around systems or around, you know, minutia, it’s obscuring something. I think the reason fairy tales are so powerful and certain children’s stories are so powerful is because if it’s wise and true, perennially true, we get it intuitively.

Josh Radnor 00:08:20  We don’t have to do any calculations, you know, to get it. It’s just evident. But I agree with you that we have the kind of built in for getter. I always think of that movie memento where he had to tattoo, you know, he would have amnesia every day and he had to remind himself what happened. I feel like wisdom is like that. Like you have to look at the word like change or like, this too shall pass. Like like perennially wise sayings. Like, yeah, sometimes when you’re struggling and a friend says, you know, it won’t be like this forever. It’s like the simplest, most true thing you could ever say. But sometimes it comes to you as if it’s like Moses on the mountaintop. You know, it’s like it’s divine revelation. Like, oh, I won’t be feeling this way forever. That’s unbelievable. It’s like, I know that intellectually, but sometimes when we’re going through it, it’s tough to remember.

Eric Zimmer 00:09:04  Absolutely. I’ve talked about this on the show a bunch of times, and I’m bringing it up because you reference King Solomon in one of your Substack posts.

Eric Zimmer 00:09:12  But there’s something known as Solomon’s wisdom. And what it means is that King Solomon was really wise when it came to everybody else’s life, but apparently his own life not so much. And so it’s called Solomon’s paradox, right? And it means that idea that I could be really wise about your life or my friend’s life, but when it’s myself, I have a hard time seeing it. It’s just this paradox of being human.

Josh Radnor 00:09:40  Yeah. I mean, I think sometimes people. I’m not speaking about my wife here, by the way, but sometimes I think people in the helping professions often have a genius for seeing other people’s stuff. I don’t know if it’s easier, but it’s sometimes very difficult to apply your own guidance to yourself. I mean, I have sometimes, like a friend has reached out for advice and I like that. I think that’s one of the great things about friendship, is you’re all kind of trading off, being each other’s mentor and cheerleader and confidant. But when a friend comes to me and they’ll ask me some advice and I’ll, I’ll say something to them and then I’ll hear it back and I’ll go, I should do that.

Josh Radnor 00:10:16  That’s really that’s like, that’s really good. You know, sometimes we have to displace the advice to have it come back to us.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:23  Yeah. So let’s talk a little bit about the idea of, well, actually, you and I did not bond over something that we should have bonded over first, which is that I live in Columbus, Ohio.

Josh Radnor 00:10:34  You live.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:34  There now? I grew up there. I live there now. I’m in Denver today. Okay. But I now live in Columbus, Ohio.

Josh Radnor 00:10:40  Yes. Wow. Whereabouts? Where do you live?

Eric Zimmer 00:10:42  I’m near Goodale and 315. Sort of Grandview.

Josh Radnor 00:10:45  Ish. Okay. Yeah. My sister lived in Grandview for a year. She’s back in Bexley, where I lived.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:49  Is that where.

Josh Radnor 00:10:49  You grew up? That’s where I grew up. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:51  Okay.

Josh Radnor 00:10:51  Yeah. Oh, no. She lived in Granville. Okay. That’s different. But Grandview. Yes, I know Grandview very well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, how cool is that where you grew up?

Eric Zimmer 00:11:00  It is? Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:00  I grew up in Worthington.

Josh Radnor 00:11:01  Oh, in Worthington. Okay. Cool. Yeah, I did theater with a lot of people from Worthington.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:05  Yeah. So I just. When I saw that, I thought that was cool. Oh, nice. Okay. Back to what I wanted to talk about next, which is identity. One of the things that I think you’ve talked publicly about this, both on the podcast and on your Substack, is that you got to be known really well and beloved by a whole lot of people for a particular character. Right. Talk to me about that experience and how it has been for you and how it has evolved over time.

Josh Radnor 00:11:35  God, it’s been 20 years of navigating that. Right. So I think it’s like it would take me a long time to unpack each phase. I guess no one prepares you certainly in drama school, for you’re going to be playing one role for nine years. Like, that’s not something they think you’re going to do a role for three months or like, you know, like do a check off play for, you know, four months.

Josh Radnor 00:11:57  So I had to figure it out on my own. And sometimes I did that rather inelegantly in other times I was able to have some more grace around it, but I just found it to be an incredibly strange, disorienting thing. I mean, first of all, your anonymity getting eroded and strangers knowing who you are when you don’t know who they are is a very strange, disorienting experience anyway. Famous, strange. Being visible is strange. People having ideas about you, projections about you. They read a quote of yours that was taken out of context. And then, I don’t know, they don’t like you or you remind them of someone like you. Feel a little bit in your more vulnerable moments, like you got a dartboard on your chest. You’re just walking through the world, and you feel like people are kind of sizing you up or having opinions about you, and some of them are often quite lovely, but that also feels suspect. Like you feel like these people don’t really know me. They know they have this idea of me.

Josh Radnor 00:12:47  I went through some crisis with it, and I used various forms of kind of healing, and and I was just on the hunt for something that felt more authentic in the midst of all that. And it drove me much deeper on a spiritual path, weirdly. I mean, not maybe not weirdly, but like, it’s understandable. And then I got off the show, and as an actor, I was only looking for roles that felt very far from the role that I had played. Anything that reminded me of the DNA of the part I wouldn’t do. But I also became a musician, and I’ve written and directed films, and so I was really just trying to diversify. But what I realized I was actually doing was running. I was running away from it. You know, I said in that Substack that you referenced that this character I played, Ted was a part of me, like in the ifs sense, like he is a part of me in that he was literally a part that I played.

Josh Radnor 00:13:38  But there’s also I can feel I revealed something to the world of myself through that character. I got married a little over a year ago, and my wife had never seen the show, and she said, look, I’m curious. And that was a good thing for us, for our relationship, that she had never seen the show. But she said, I’m curious about this time in your life that I missed. I want to see it. So I decided it was time to rewatch it and we just decided to formalize it. Craig and I are doing this rewatch and we’re having a great time talking about it, but there’s been something wonderful about having, much like the show itself, having this older, wiser perspective on it rather than being the person inside of it, but actually looking back on it and seeing, oh, I wasn’t half bad on that show. And the show itself is delightful and I’m so much kinder to myself watching it now. So I’m having like a very meta, very interesting experience re-engaging with the show.

Josh Radnor 00:14:30  But in terms of identity issues, it was both shattering and also opened up all these avenues of my life, for which I’m incredibly grateful.

Eric Zimmer 00:14:39  I love how you talk about it in such a nuanced way. And you referenced nuance in the beginning, right? We’re not all bad. We’re not all good. I think nuance is kind of the secret sauce to wisdom to a certain degree. But you talk about it in the sense like, imagine that you were in high school. We were all in high school, and 20 years later, all anybody ever wants to talk about is who you were in high school. Not anything you had done since all of that and how that might get to be tiresome or confusing. And yet, at the same time, you’re also recognizing this profound gift that you got, right? I mean, that changed the trajectory of your life in a positive way. And I like seeing you kind of come back and revisit it from a more holistic place. And I think the lesson for all of us is around identity.

Eric Zimmer 00:15:27  Yeah. And that identity is ideally, in my mind, fluid meaning I can play this part of me, I can play this part of me, I can, I can see this, I can see that. But we tend to get fixed in this idea of who we are. Yeah. You know, we just get locked into I am This Way. And as somebody who studies change and has written a book that will come out next year about change, what I know is that we are all capable of change. But if we believe we’re not, we’re really stuck.

Josh Radnor 00:15:58  Right? And it kind of goes back to what we were talking about before, like, I had an acting teacher at NYU named Ron Van Loo, and one of the first things he said to us was, you need to expand your definition of yourself. You’re here to expand your definition of yourself, that you’re not this thing, you’re all these things. And when you’re more things and when you know yourself to be more things, you can play more things truthfully, you can access more of yourself to play a wider array of characters in a larger sense.

Josh Radnor 00:16:27  Like my brother in law, Gideon Jacobs, I saw him in this one man show that he created last night, and it’s this blind preacher character, and it was really fascinating. But he’s obsessed with the second commandment in the Torah, which says, thou shalt not make any graven images. Right. And his whole thing, you know, going back to the Garden of Eden again, not speaking literally, but allegorically, this notion that humanity in its primordial state was unselfconscious and connected to all that was. There was no separation. And then there’s this bite of this apple, this kind of primordial wound, and suddenly it’s, oh, my God, I’m naked. Oh my God, you’re separate from me. Oh my God, God is elsewhere. It’s actually like a horror story, if you think about it from an existential point of view. Totally right. And his thing is that the commandment against images is actually quite profound, that what happened to Adam and Eve allegorically in the garden was that they suddenly got a self-image which is grievous to our psyche because we’re watching Ourselves.

Josh Radnor 00:17:33  And now image is everything, and it’s proliferated to the point where I even think about, like, the iPhone. You know, I mean, one he points out the apple, right? Like, we all have these devices in our in our pockets that are these apples with a bite out of them. And then the iPhone, the iMac, the iPad, the you know, there’s this kind of I, I, I, I and this recursive kind of loop of images images self images. What does it say about me? What does it say about me? And I am as hooked by this stuff as anyone. I’m not hovering over this as some sort of like angry prophet. I’m in the midst of this negotiation and as I think we all are with image and identity, I think that everyone is dealing with it on some level. It’s not just famous people. Everyone has some persona or a maybe a private self. And then there’s like a public self. I don’t like to create that much of a distinction between the two.

Josh Radnor 00:18:23  Like, I don’t want to have a persona, even though I’m going to be different with my wife than I am on a post on Instagram or something, but I also don’t want to feel like I have this Jekyll and Hyde split in myself. But I think identity is really tricky. And when you become famous and you become famous for a particular role, it just pours fertilizer all over the many things that can be troubling about it.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:45  Yeah. What you just shared about your brother in law is fascinating. I had never heard that take on the second commandment. I’m a longtime Zen practitioner. Right. And one of the things that we do in Zen is we’re trying to see through this illusion that we are this separate thing. Right. Right. So I’ve always seen the Garden of Eden story as like I’ve been able to see the parallel there like that separateness. But I never thought about the second commandment in images that we create.

Josh Radnor 00:19:14  Yeah. A friend recommended this book by a Sufi mystic. That’s all about music.

Josh Radnor 00:19:19  And in the first paragraph, he says, music is the only form of art that’s not idolatry, because there’s no form. It’s from a transcendent kind of realm. You can’t draw music, you know you can’t capture it. Yeah. You know, I love painting and dance and theater, obviously. I mean, I’m not an anti image person, but I think sometimes when we have an image of ourselves and we are constantly critiquing it and looking at it from all different angles, it takes up a lot of time and energy, but it’s also psychically quite draining when someone has a peak experience. One of the ways that one defines that is a loss of self. Absolutely right that you go away. And Georgiana, my wife has pointed out that like often after those peak experiences, we say I could die now, right? Like you’re resolved enough to the point where you feel like your life has achieved some sort of meaning, that you wouldn’t be haunted by regret, that you’ve seen through it in a Zen sense.

Eric Zimmer 00:20:18  Let’s change directions a little bit. There was a line that you used. I don’t know if it’s a line you’ve used before, or if you just tossed it off, and it’s during the how I Made Your Mother podcast, but you referred to how you view that show and you know your relationship with that character, and you use the phrase the mercy of time. And I just loved that. Did you just kind of toss that off?

Josh Radnor 00:20:43  I think maybe I’ve said that before. I don’t know if it’s like a catchphrase of mine. Yeah, yeah. But I do think that there is a merciful quality at a time. I mean, often we look at time as a bully or a grim reaper, kind of, you know, after us. But at the same time, if you’ve aged, say, and you have a different perspective on your life, if you have more forgiveness for your life or people in your life, if you find yourself less self-conscious, less obsessed with the opinion of other people, that’s all time doing its work.

Josh Radnor 00:21:17  If you’ve ever had grief, if you’ve ever had loss, relationships ending innumerable kinds of heartbreaks to feel not the same way you felt in the aftermath of that and the shrapnel of that. That is the mercy of time, that time. It is a healer in some profound way. So I don’t know. I’m glad I was able to say that. Yes, you can look at this as a goofy sitcom, but it also had some quite deep existential things it was chewing on at the same time.

Eric Zimmer  00:22:00  I think time is so interesting.  I’m here in Denver this week, spending time with my mother, who’s 80, who I spent the last decade of my life with her in Columbus with me, but we moved her out here about a year ago to be near my sister, and she’s in a senior community, so I have been there a lot this week, and you can’t be around old people that much without starting to think about time and the obvious downsides to it, the decaying body and the challenges that come with that.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:26  And I do think time is a healer. And I also think it’s necessary but not sufficient for certain types of healing. Right. Like I do think time will take the sting out of a lot of things, but I don’t think time necessarily gives wisdom, right? But I often look at myself and I think about. You know, I was a homeless heroin addict at 25. I’ve been on a path of recovery since and all this stuff I’ve done. And I look at myself and kind of where I’m at, and I sometimes think to myself how much of how I feel now is all that work that I put in and how much of it is just the fact that I’m, you know, much older now. Right. And time has sort of done its thing to a certain degree.

Josh Radnor 00:23:08  Yeah. Yeah. It’s a really interesting question. I also don’t think time confers wisdom. I mean, I think that you have to accept wisdom. It’s almost like it’s on offer. It’s almost like the library is there.

Josh Radnor 00:23:22  There’s free books Yes. With all the great wisdom, all the greatest stories, all the greatest. Everything. You can go there. You can go there. You can get a library card and you can read it. And I feel like wisdom is kind of like that. It’s floating out there. I think you have to volunteer for it. You have to kind of say, I would like to receive this. And then it almost like picks your antenna up in a different way, so you’re more attuned. We just met. But you strike me as someone like me who loves a good quote, who’s always on the hunt for some new thing that you can kind of throw in the the wisdom backpack and kind of carry it along with you, right? That’s always been really interesting to me. I also think when we’re younger and you’re interested or when you get the sense, okay, I understand that I’m not going to be young forever, like I’m going to age. And, you know, a lot of young people simply don’t believe this.

Josh Radnor 00:24:14  And it’s again, maybe that’s the mercy of youth. Is that you? You don’t know that you’re going to age. You think you’ll be the center of culture forever. And it’s like, no, you won’t. There’ll be another generation come along and your slang is not going to work anymore. It’s going to be like, okay, Boomer, everyone gets okay. Boomer. You know, so but I think if you’re looking because I was always scared of aging, but I always was like, well how do you do it. Well yeah. Like who are the people that I think are doing it? Well, I love this Franciscan priest, Richard Rohr, very much. Do you know Richard Rohr? Sure. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:24:48  I’ve had Richard on several times and visited him and.

Josh Radnor 00:24:51  Yeah, yeah, I listened to yours with Richard. I do remember that. Yeah. So I’ve gotten to spend some time with Richard, and I got to sit with Ram Dass a few times, and there are just these characters that I just say their bodies are betraying them, or Ram Dass is no longer with us.

Josh Radnor 00:25:04  But, you know, he had a stroke that really immobilized him in certain ways. And Richard’s had his health challenges. So the body stuff feels non-negotiable. I mean, you can try to keep the wheels on as long as you can, but there is a kind of sparkle in the eye of someone who Knows something. They’ve gotten to an age and they know something. And they’re not bitter about roads not taken and regrets. And they just seem to have called a truce with the world. You know, I think Richard calls it like, you know. I’ve heard it said like dropping the war with reality, right? Like I’m no longer at war with reality. And I want to be a person who ages with some grace. And I don’t just mean, you know, looking good. Although that would be terrific. But I really mean being the kind of person that a young person would look at and say they look like they know something, or they look like they’re doing it right, or I’d like to get advice from that person.

Josh Radnor 00:25:59  That person seems like they maybe know something.

Eric Zimmer 00:26:01  When I meet old people and interact with old people, it’s always instructive to me because I see like, okay, that’s where I want to go. And I see like, that’s definitely where I don’t want to go. Right. Yeah. And so, like, in the way that my partner’s mother when she had Alzheimer’s. That was a huge wake up call to us. Like, okay, health. Like we can’t prevent it. But there’s a lot of stuff we can do that’s going to make it less likely that we get Alzheimer’s or other things. Yeah. So I think about it in a health sense. I think about it in a sort of old people sort of start to fossilize. So like pushing myself towards new experiences, which gets harder, I think as you age, I just feel it already at 55. And then also, like you said, I think about it emotionally or spiritually. In that way, life is going to get hard from here in some ways.

Eric Zimmer 00:26:53  Like I know what’s coming, so I need to be training now to the best of my ability so that I’m able to be one of those people that is able to do it with a certain degree of grace, because I can see how easy it would be to not do it gracefully.

Josh Radnor 00:27:07  Yeah, it’s also like wisdom is on offer, but so is cynicism. Yeah. You know, that’s also like an option. You know, there’s again, these are wolves. Right. They’re all wolves. But I always thought it would be such a tragedy to live one of these lives, which I consider a gift. I mean, I’d rather I say in one of my songs, I’d rather be here than not be here. I always thought it would be such a tragedy to get to the end of it and be filled with resentment and bitterness and grievance and, you know, like, I want to get to a place where I am more forgiving, more compassionate, more generous. But, you know, I also don’t want to undersell that.

Josh Radnor 00:27:50  Life is tough, you know? Yeah. It puts up a real fight. You can make a very strong and compelling argument that the world is meaningless and that bad people triumph and good people suffer. And you could compile a lot of data around that. You could make as equally a compelling case about the opposite. Right. Again, these are all wolves like. But I always thought it’s so much more heartening, and it makes the universe for me, so much more inhabitable. To choose the latter? Yeah. To say I believe there’s meaning. I believe there’s a purpose to this thing. I believe that what undergirds this is something benevolent. You know, that doesn’t mean that death isn’t real. It doesn’t mean pain isn’t real. It doesn’t mean that, you know, we’re not going to struggle in myriad ways. But I just have to get my mind sharpened. And it’s a daily practice because I have to forget her. You know, I have that thing that I forget. But, you know, conversations like this help.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:47  Yeah. I think I’m a little bit more existentially turned in that I’m not a believer in any sort of ultimate meaning, but I don’t think that makes life meaningless. I just think it means we need to discover our own meaning and imbue it into our life. But I agree with you 100% about there are different ways to view the world. I mean, you know, the old way of calling it was optimism and pessimism. and that’s an oversimplification. Those are binaries. But there is a view that orients towards the goodness that is in the world, the kindness that is in the world, the beauty that is in the world, the connectivity that is in the world. And if both are true, which I think they are, and we’re making it up, we’re making up the meaning we want to give it, because that is what I think we are largely doing. Then a really good question is like, which is the.

Speaker 4 00:29:38  Most useful.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:39  View, right. Which view is going to be better for me and the people around me in this world? And, and for me, it’s the view that is not cynical.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:48  It’s not pollyannaish either. And that’s where I’d kind of like to take the conversation, because you have a great article on Substack that I really loved, because you you got into perhaps my most pressing question that I think about these days, and it’s this idea that, as you said earlier, dropping the war with reality makes a lot of sense, right? Because reality wins. And we also have a view of ourselves and the world that could be better. And those things sometimes are at odds with each other. And I think a lot about how do you know which of those levers to pull the I should change this lever, I should accept this lever. And I just love to hear you think through that question.

Josh Radnor 00:30:37  Okay, so I have written quite a bit about this in terms of we want to accept there’s a negotiation that has to take place between acceptance and action. Yes. Right.

Eric Zimmer 00:30:46  Exactly what.

Josh Radnor 00:30:47  I’m talking. Okay. Yeah. So yeah, I mean, the way I think through this is if I throw a temper tantrum about something in my life or something happening in politics or the world, you know, Anne Lamott, yeah, I think she has some great salty kind of wisdom.

Josh Radnor 00:31:06  And I just, I really like her quite a bit. But she says there’s three types of problems in the world. There’s me problems, you problems and God problems. She calls God problems. Wars, hurricanes, you know, natural disasters, things that are so outside of her ability to actually control and influence. And then you problems are obviously you problems and me problems or me problems. And she says she gets into suffering when she tries to fix God problems and new problems. Right. So that makes a lot of sense to me. That just clarifies things. For me. It’s a bit of a serenity prayer kind of breakdown, you know, what can I control? What can I not control? I try to avoid having temper tantrums around things as they are because like you said, reality wins. But I think we have a much better chance of at least getting called on to participate. If we start with acceptance like just a blanket acceptance like this is how it is right now. And then we look at what we might be able to change in effect and what we can’t.

Josh Radnor 00:32:10  And sometimes you’re going to, you know, try to twist some knobs and it’s not going to work. And other times something will move the needle. But I think starting with like a kind of radical acceptance, it takes me out of some pain. Right? Because the pain is in the resistance. It shouldn’t be this way. Yeah. And then you’re you’re really at war with reality and you’re really in a losing position. You’re just this spec shouting in the Grand Canyon or something for for something to be different.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:38  I love what you said there. The negotiation between acceptance and action. That’s really good because that’s what I think it is. I think often about one of the first guests on the show is a gentleman named Andrew Solomon, and he wrote a book called The Noonday Demon.

Josh Radnor 00:32:53  I read The Noonday Demon. He’s very brilliant. Andrew Solomon, he’s brilliant.

Eric Zimmer 00:32:56  Yeah. He wrote another book called Far From the Tree.

Speaker 4 00:33:00  I read that too.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:01  Yeah, yeah, an amazing book. But what stuck with me through all the years, and this is a decade ago that we first talked about this was he was talking about parents whose children are autistic.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:12  Yeah. And he talked about how hard it is for them because there are some group of people saying, you can change this, you can fix this. Some of that might be snake oil, some of it might be real, some of it. But you can do something. And then there’s the you can’t do anything about this. Right. And you accept it. And if you accept your child for the way they are, maybe that’s just an all around easier case. And what I love that he said is if you know you can’t change something, it’s easy to go about the business of accepting it. Yeah. If you know you can change something, it’s easy to go about the business of changing it. And most of us live in this very difficult middle part. But I think the way you just said it is a really elegant, almost poetic way of saying it’s the negotiation between acceptance and action and that that negotiation in certain situations never get settled. It’s not like you all reach an agreement and it’s done. You live in the negotiation?

Josh Radnor 00:34:11  I think so. And live in the question. But also. Yeah. I think nature is useful to kind of pay attention to. I mean, I lived in California where it was less visible, but I’m back on the East Coast and just watching the seasons happen and watching, you know, the flowers bloom and then fade away in the fall and the leaves fall off the trees, and then the barren and the snow and the and you know, a farmer knows that there’s a time to sow and a time to reap. I think in America especially, or in the West, we have this idea that we should always be growing. Growing, growing. Doing. Doing, doing. It’s almost like disobeying the laws of nature in some fundamental way, because there is a time for rest. I mean, true rest, you know, really gathering another round of information, not more energy. And I try to remember that this might not be a season of change.

Josh Radnor 00:35:06  This might be a season of acceptance. You know this. I didn’t grow up Christian, but a lot of my friends who grew up like in more evangelical circles, they always say, you know, I’m in a real season of doubt or this is a real season of abundance, you know? And I always liked that language. I always thought it was like useful language because it implies that it’s not forever. And again, that’s a mercy.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:43  We’ve referenced suffering a little bit. And you talk about discomfort. Is the doorway as the name of one of your Substack posts? And in it you did something where you put a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon. And I was struck by that because I’ve taught this program for years called Wise Habits, and I use a lot of Calvin and Hobbes strips to teach, because I just think there’s so much wisdom in them. Are you also a fan.

Josh Radnor 00:36:08  A casual fan? I had stumbled across that. Happiness isn’t enough for me, I demand euphoria. I think that was exactly.

Josh Radnor 00:36:15  That was the one. Yeah, I stumbled across it and I just pulled it, and I had it in a file of things that kind of delighted me. It’s also something, you know, my friend Hal says about addicts. He says the only emotion acceptable to an addict is euphoria. He says, you know, it’s 2 p.m. on a Tuesday. Where’s my euphoria?

Eric Zimmer 00:36:33  You know? Yes. I’m a lot of years sober and I still laugh because I relate with that. And I love that Calvin cartoon because where it starts is him enjoying a nice day. He’s like, here I am enjoying this nice day. You know, and then he thinks, but I’m not euphoric. Right. And then the last frame says, I can’t remember whether he said I need to stop my mind while I’m still ahead or my mind is out to get me, or something along those lines of like, he’s able to see Knowing what I know about you and your taste, from reading your Substack and looking at a lot of the things you reference.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:08  Calvin and Hobbes, I think, is a deeply, deeply wise strip across the board, and I think it’s one of the more brilliant works of art in humanity, is that.

Josh Radnor 00:37:17  Bill Watterson.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:18  Watterson.

Josh Radnor 00:37:19  Yeah, I think he’s a Kenyon grad. I think he went to my college where I went, okay, there was a lore, kind of Kenyon lore that his senior year he drew cartoons all over the wall. He kind of did like his own Sistine Chapel of cartoons on the wall, and they painted over it. And it’s this kind of like lost masterpiece, like somewhere in a dorm at Kenyon or all these early cartoons.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:44  That’s amazing.

Josh Radnor 00:37:45  But I think he was a philosophy major, and that’s why he called it Calvin and Hobbes. And yeah, yeah, I don’t know, it just really it really struck me. I just thought it was it was a funny thing, you know, that human thing. You know, if a little is good, more is better. Yeah. Can I ask, when did you get sober?

Eric Zimmer 00:38:00  Well, I got sober from heroin in 1994.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:03  Okay. I stayed sober about eight years. Then I started to drink again. And I drank for about three years. Yeah. And then I’ve been sober from that for, like, 17 years. So the vast majority of my adult life has been in sobriety. Yeah. Which I’m very grateful for. In many ways. I’m grateful that. Like, when I start, I just kind of burn the house down pretty quick. And it’s pretty clear, like, okay, something needs to happen, right? Versus like the long goodbye kind of thing.

Josh Radnor 00:38:30  Yep yep yep. Absolutely.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:32  Speaking of Ohio and Bill Watterson, there’s a big cartoon library at OSU, and they have one of the biggest collections of Bill Watterson cartoons in the world. And so you can go visit a little bit of a shrine for me. We talked a little bit about this idea of negotiating acceptance and action. And I think that some of the things I pulled for that came from a post of yours about not minding what happens, which is a Krishnamurti quote.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:00  Yeah. And I wanted to talk about something in particular that you talk about in there, which is you on a Vipassana retreat. Was that just this last December or is it the December before that?

Josh Radnor 00:39:14  No, no, it was last December. Like six months ago. Okay. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:17  Yeah. You open to sort of sharing your experience?

Josh Radnor 00:39:20  Sure. Yeah. I mean, it was a real challenge for me. Like, it was. It was much more challenging. Have you ever done a vipassana?

Eric Zimmer 00:39:27  I have done long, silent retreats. Not a specific vipassana. Unless you consider insight meditation society like Jack Kornfield, Tara Brock.

Josh Radnor 00:39:36  How long are those? Like eight days or nine days?

Eric Zimmer 00:39:39  Yeah. 7 to 8. There’s some weekend ones. Yeah. I’ve mostly done Zen sessions, which are eight days.

Josh Radnor 00:39:46  Okay. Yeah. And that’s total silence.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:48  Total silence. And like you said, no books, you know? Yeah. I’m like, two days into it and I’m like, I’ll give you $100 for a cereal box to read.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:56  You know, like, give me a cereal box to read.

Josh Radnor 00:39:58  I know they had these instructions in the room about how you were supposed to clean your room when you left, and I read those like it was the Talmud or something. Like I was I went so deep on this thing in a fascinating way. It shows you what you’re addicted to in a broader sense, not just about in chemicals or or anything, but really about, like, I’m addicted to words. I’m addicted to information. I’m addicted to the news. I’m addicted to, you know, and I’m also addicted to talking. Like, truly just talking. It was a very fascinating experience and an experiment. It was what it felt like on my psyche. Yeah. And largely I was in an enormous amount of discomfort for for the majority of the time, I would say. But I felt incredibly unmoored and kind of confused about even not being able to say certain, like pleasantries, like in the line at the dining hall, like if you felt like you cut someone off.

Josh Radnor 00:40:56  You just want to say, oh, sorry. Were you here? Do you want to go? Like you couldn’t do any of the, like, little signifiers of we’re in a society and we’re sharing space. I just found it really challenging. I ended up having to talk to the teacher a few times because I was one night I was borderline almost having a panic attack, and then I found I enjoyed these talks and they were only about 4 or 5 minutes long, but I enjoyed being witnessed. The basics of like relational communication are very important to me. And when I was supposed to exist in silence without them, I felt deep grief. I can’t, I don’t know, it was so much harder than I thought it would be. And my meditation practice has been really wonky since I got back.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:43  Interesting.

Josh Radnor 00:41:44  My wife and I were at the Botanic Gardens this morning and we meditated, and it was so nice. And I, I was like, I really want to get back into a practice, but I think I had like a I wasn’t quite trauma, but it was definitely like something got provoked.

Josh Radnor 00:41:57  I had moments of fear. I had moments of grief. I know they say, you know, lots of stuff’s going to come up. But something about it I found very challenging. That said, by the end of it, you know, once you’re allowed to talk for the last day, like I felt like I had been paroled, like I was I was so excited. You know, I went on these long walks up and down this road every single day, like three times a day. I just didn’t know what to do with myself and I. And I saw my monkey mind really, really in action. Yeah. And I saw how I’m in a society. There’s another Krishnamurti quote. It’s no measure of health to be well adapted to a profoundly sick society. I don’t know if you’ve come across that one. Yeah, yeah. And I am somewhat adapted to this society. I mean, it’s the one I grew up in. It’s like I do fairly well navigating it. And then you take me out of that society, and I don’t have my whatever op eds to read or my books to read or my music to listen to.

Josh Radnor 00:42:54  And I realize, oh, I’m a little bit insane, actually. Like, my mind is so far from being quiet. Although I will say I had a couple of meditations where I had no body, no time. You know that that I did. I did taste that timeless realm. But the getting there, it was rough. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:15  They can be rough. I actually do okay with the silence in groups of people. I’m a little shy, so I actually find it sort of enjoyable to be in companionship and not have to figure out what to say.

Josh Radnor 00:43:28  Yeah. My wife is the same way. She’s done 2 or 3 of a personas, and she always appreciates not having to talk.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:34  Yeah, I like that part. And even when what I’ve learned is when the silence ends, I’ve learned to take myself away. Because it just is. It’s overwhelming to me all of a sudden. But I do like being with the people like that. I mean, it’s not that I want to be alone.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:48  I enjoy the community aspect. I think for me and you said in this post, I think you said that boredom and discomfort are the two emotions you most can’t tolerate. And I think that’s very much me too. And it’s the no reading that just kills me. Yeah. That’s probably the hardest for me because I can entertain myself pretty well with a book. I’ve gone on a couple with the spiritual teacher Adi Asante. I don’t know if you’re familiar with him.

Josh Radnor 00:44:13  Oh, yeah, I know I do. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:14  They do something interesting, which is they give you. It might be 2 or 3 paragraphs of his, and that’s all you’re allowed to read. So you do what you did with the cleaning instructions on the wall. Right. You’re like, I’m reading it. But for me, I descend deep into it, like, since it’s so little to read and I want to read so often, it becomes ultimately certainly a contemplative act, if not a meditative act.

Josh Radnor 00:44:41  Yeah. I also hilariously like I would make my bed as if it was going to be inspected by the military.

Josh Radnor 00:44:47  Like, I would just.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:48  Say anything.

Josh Radnor 00:44:49  You’re trying to give yourself any activity. There were certain days where I just unfolded and folded all my clothes. I didn’t even have that many clothes there, but I just was looking and and it also showed me how addicted I am to action and doing this. You know, I really I was constantly looking for something to actually do. That’s why these walks outside just became like my lifeline.

Eric Zimmer 00:45:12  That’s interesting. I was just thinking how funny it would be if we segue into a commercial for Vipassana retreats, how mad they would be about, like Josh Radnor says that.

Josh Radnor 00:45:23  Well, also, I mean, they’re free. And I loved the Goenka talks at night. You know, they have these pre-recorded talks from Goenka who were I think they were in the earlier mid 90s, these talks, and they’re fantastic and they’re really inspiring. And one of the things he says is we give you a taste of what it’s like to be a monk for ten days. Yeah.

Josh Radnor 00:45:45  We take away the world from you. We give you all your meals. All you’re here to do is be contemplative and sink into this place. My wife tries to remind me. She says, when you came home from that, you were euphoric. But like, two days later, I went into this, like, weird, kind of down depressive state that that didn’t lift for a while. So I’ve been struggling in some ways. I wrote that Substack piece to try to work through what that experience was for me, what it meant, and maybe I’m still working through it as I talk, even. I’m kind of like, oh yeah, I need to do some more processing of that. You know, it was incredibly rewarding, but it was also very hard. And when people say, would you go back? My answer right now is no. You know, I hear wonderful things about like insight and all that.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:30  But yeah, I don’t know if Addy Ashanti is still doing retreats. It turns out that those have been my favorite because they don’t feel like an endurance contest, right? You do have to be quiet.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:42  You can only read this thing, but it doesn’t feel like meditation battle and like you’re meditating for like ten hours a day. You know, he gives a couple talks. He actually does a guided meditation. There’s just a little bit more happening. You still meditate a lot, don’t get me wrong, but it just felt less arduous in the bad way. Not that some difficulty isn’t good, but too much difficulty as you’re reflecting can be too much. Well, we are at the end of our time for this. You and I are going to continue in a post-show conversation, and we’re going to talk about a Substack post that you wrote called Locked Doors. But I’m going to put a slightly different point on it. This conversation is for any of you who wrestle with wanting what you can’t have, which feels like a story of my life up to a certain point. Listeners, if you’d like access to that post-show conversation, ad free episodes, a special episode I do. And to be a supporter of the show, you can go to one.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:40  You feed join. And last thing I’ll say, Josh, if you want a way back into meditation, that feels nice. A friend of mine and one of the best meditation teachers I know, Henry Shukman, has an app called The Way, and it’s really good. It’s just very nice. He’s got a great English accent. It’s just very soothing and wonderful. So anyway, thank you, Josh, for joining us. I really appreciate it.

Josh Radnor 00:48:06  Absolutely. It was such a pleasure to talk to you.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:08  Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Sharing from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity. But we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:38  One episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the one You Feed community.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

Why Community and Courage Matter More Than Ever with Laura McKowen

May 9, 2025 Leave a Comment

Why Community and Courage Matter More Than Ever
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In this episode, Laura McKowen explores why community and courage matter more than ever in making change in your life. She dives into the “messy midle” – theu ncertain space between giving up what umbs us and becoming someone new. She shares the story of the Luckiest Club, a global sobriety community.

Key Takeaways:

  • Understanding that real transformation is messy
  • Learning how sobriety isn’t the finish line, but the starting point for deeper healing
  • Understanding why community is so important and powerful
  • Discover fawning as a trauma response and how it shows up in life
  • Learning to balance honesty with fear
  • How discernment and clarity often comes in conversation with others


Laura McKowen is the founder and CEO of The Luckiest Club, a global sobriety support organization, and host of Tell Me Something True podcast.  Laura has been published in The New York Times, and her work has been featured in The Atlantic, The Wall Street Journal, the TODAY show and more and is the bestselling author of We Are The Luckiest: The Surprising Magic of a Sober Life,

Laura McKowen:  Website | Instagram

If you enjoyed this conversation with Laura McKowen, check out these other episodes:

How to Tap Into the Longings of the Heart with Sue Monk Kidd

A Journey to Self-Discovery and Sobriety with Matthew Quick

Special Episode: Finding Hope on the Path to Sobriety

By purchasing products and/or services from our sponsors, you are helping to support The One You Feed and we greatly appreciate it. Thank you!

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If you enjoy our podcast and find value in our content, please consider supporting the show. By joining our Patreon Community, you’ll receive exclusive content only available on Patreon!  Click here to learn more!!

Episode Transcript:

Eric Zimmer  00:57

Transformation rarely arrives with a clean line or a tidy plan. It comes instead in the messy middle, the space between who we’ve been and who we’re becoming. Laura McCowan calls this the threshold where everything feels uncertain, uncomfortable and even sometimes unbearable. In this conversation, we talk about what it means to stand in that in between place, why change isn’t the end of pain but the beginning of healing, and how we can start to build a life that can actually hold us because the truth is, giving up the thing that numbed us, whether it was alcohol control, work or anything else, isn’t enough. We have to become someone new. I’m Eric Zimmer, and this is the one you feed. Hi, Laura, welcome back.

01:46

Hi, thank you for having me again. Yes,

Eric Zimmer  01:48

I am so excited to talk to you again. I loved our first conversation, and I’m excited for this one, but we will start like we always do with the parable, and I’ll give you another chance to answer it, because your first answer was unsatisfactory. Oh, probably I have no idea what I don’t have no idea what you said.

Laura McKowen  02:06

I was trying to remember, and I have no Yeah, I would

Eric Zimmer  02:10

imagine few of our listeners would remember, although I know a bunch of them loved it. And I often recommend your book to people early in sobriety, particularly people who love good writing. I think it’s such a great book about sobriety, but you’re also such a good writer, and people who appreciate literature appreciate your book. So yeah, in the parable, there is a grandparent talking with her grandchild, and they say, in life, there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear, and the grandchild stops thinks about it for a second, and looks up at their grandparent says, Well, which one wins? And the grandparent says that the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

Laura McKowen  02:57

Yes. So I couldn’t remember how I answered it the first time, I almost went to look it up, and then I thought, don’t bother. But my what it means to me right now, in my life and my work, the battle exists in having the courage to say the truth, speak the truth, even when it is going to disappoint and possibly piss off and possibly make people really hate me, and knowing that that’s not personal, I guess, another way of saying it is the bad wolf is playing it safe, or thinking that there is such a thing as safety when you have a public voice, and desiring that. And the Good Wolf is wanting to be free and doing whatever that means in the moment, especially when it comes to telling the truth. I had no problem. Well, it’s not that I had no problem, but I’ve been talking about hard things for a while, and I had no problem really doing that in talking about sobriety, because it was saving my life. But I feel like I’ve reached this point where, now there are other things that I really want to talk about, but I’ve got a bigger platform. There’s more people listening, there’s more people watching, and I get afraid. That’s a good wolf, bad wolf thing in my life right now. Yeah, I

Eric Zimmer  04:14

think it’s a really interesting point, because I think there’s two things that start to happen, at least this has been my experience. Thing. One is just a genuine fear, like, I don’t want people to not like me, etc. The other is I don’t want to drive people away from what I feel is like really important content or messaging. Like, for you, you’re talking about people about getting sober, it’s, it’s life and death, and feeling like I don’t want to drive people away from that by sort of moving, quote, unquote, off topic in a way that starts to drive certain people away. And so for me, it’s been this balance, particularly as I’ve begun not begun to as I’ve thought more about, how do I bring issues that are beyond personal development that I care about i. Two. There are things I want to talk about, there’s things I want to advocate for, there’s all that. And so how do I do that in a way that is helpful and useful, but I also don’t want to drive people away who can be getting something valuable out of what I’m doing. I mean, obviously there’s the like not wanting to drive away people, because you don’t want your numbers to go down. But then there’s a genuine there’s a genuineness. So I find both those. I find both. You know, I’m battling a variety of factors when I start thinking about those things.

Laura McKowen  05:27

Yeah, all of those things are true for me too. I think 2020 and 2021 were traumatizing. I mean, that’s an understatement for everybody, and one of the things that I experienced was being a person with a public voice. It can be really nasty in the online spaces and less so in the real world, but a lot of what I do is trying to present, distill and present information in an online space, and I’m choosing to do that so it’s like, I don’t want to be light and fluffy and easy and always be safe, right? I actually don’t want that at all, but I find myself challenged to, as you said, bring in other topics and not get sucked into the dark side of it. Yeah, it’s tough to put out what I put out with integrity and then let whatever’s gonna happen happen. Yep,

Eric Zimmer  06:18

and I think I’ve always sort of been like, well, we’re not a political show, right? Like, that’s not what we do, right? And then you hit these points, at least I did, where I went. Is this a political issue? This feels like it’s a issue about basic values. But even conversations about basic values seem to be political these days. And it’s, it’s challenging, you know?

Laura McKowen  06:38

Yeah, everything’s political now. So we, I mean, this is a whole rabbit hole, but everything is political now, you know, up to a vaccine being entirely political, yeah, so what? That’s just the world we’re operating in. So I’m learning how to have courage in that space. And it’s honestly, for me, it’s really humiliating, and like it brings up a lot of my old junk around people pleasing, and that made me really sick. You know, it was dishonesty at the end of the day and really feeling like I lacked a center that was not a good place for me. Yeah, there’s

Eric Zimmer  07:13

a line that you said in a blog post not too long ago. You said, there are some things that still undo me. The worst feeling like someone I care about is mad at me, and I completely resonate with that. I think that is my biggest Achilles heel, is that very thing is like, when someone is mad at me that I care about, it’s really difficult,

Laura McKowen  07:36

really difficult. Yeah, and it’s a small circle of people that can undo me like that. It’s the people that like that I actually care about. But it’s so easy for me to snap into just my my therapist says one of my defense mechanisms is called categorically wrong. I just go, you’re right. I’m wrong. Everything I’m everything I do is wrong, yeah, everything I’m wrong, and it’s like this really dark shame spiral. Not helpful. In

Eric Zimmer  08:10

that blog post, we hear about flight and freeze, and you mentioned that there’s, you know, something called fawning. Say more about that.

Laura McKowen  08:18

Oh, yeah, that was a big learning for me that we know of the fear response is typically as the fight, flight, freeze, the three F’s, but that there’s actually a fourth. I can’t remember the psychologist that coined it, but it’s called fawning, and it’s in response to fear. We fawn over someone, we go towards them. Instead of running or freezing, we go towards them. We kiss their ass, we try to appease them. We abandon ourselves entirely and our needs entirely. And that’s me. That was. My primary coping mechanism is fawning, not always, but with a certain type of person, you know, and of course, it mimics childhood stuff and everything like that. That was really helpful to me, because it named something that I’ve experienced so acutely. And you know, when you’re doing it, it doesn’t make sense. It feels terrible, but it’s all an appeal for safety, for keeping the attachment. It’s like keep your enemies closer, type of thing. If I just get closer to them, whatever I need to do to make myself Okay, in their eyes, then I’ll be okay. Yeah,

Eric Zimmer  09:28

it feels terrible, and so does staying sort of centered in myself and what I think and what I believe, which I think is the way we try and change a lot of old patterns, sobriety being a great example. It’s like, early on in that change process, it’s really difficult. Like, which of these feels worse? They both feel pretty bad. Yeah,

Laura McKowen  09:50

no kidding, it’s a true dilemma in the Greek tragedy sense of the word, you’re not thinking between one nice, peaceful road and one, you know, terrible road. It’s both. Both feel terrible. It’s just right, which is gonna, you know, good wolf, bad wolf type of thing. It’s like, yeah, it does feel terrible. I mean, for me, you know, I found it was intolerable to sit with myself, discomfort if someone was mad at me, was absolutely intolerable. So, you know, I have to give myself some credit that I don’t do it so much anymore. But there, of course, still in instances here and there where, you know, one is where my partner and I got into a fight about three months ago, and we’ve been together for almost a couple years at this point, and have a really beautiful, solid relationship. And when we got into this fight, and it wasn’t like World War Two, it wasn’t even a big fight, but this is where we go, right in conflict. For me, it felt like the relationship was on the line. And I it took everything in me not to just try to fix it, just immediately fix it. And the couple days where the storm was brewing between us and just had to, like, wait for it to settle, were really, really difficult for me. And when I told him, you know, after we finally did talk, that it feels to me like the relationship is threatened, he was shocked. It’s like, what do you really, you know, we’re just fighting like this is settle down. Laura, yeah, we’re just fighting like this is, this is fine, but that’s trauma stuff kicking up. That’s right.

Eric Zimmer  11:24

It doesn’t feel fine. I think that with stuff like this, I think we often think that we’ll get to a point where we’ll do enough healing and enough inner work, where we’ll be able to do that sort of thing, like I’m going to say something’s not okay with me, and then I’m going to step back and I’m not going to fawn. I heard this from somebody recently, step into my power, and I was like, Well, yes, you are stepping into your power, but it’s really important that you recognize you’re not going to feel powerful. Probably in that moment, you’re going to feel terrified. If you wait until you feel powerful to do it, there will be no doing it, you know. And so I think what you’re saying is so important, is like, yeah, I was able to do it, but, boy, it didn’t feel very good. No,

Laura McKowen  12:04

it felt terrible, not sleeping, not eating. You know, the full the full catastrophe. But you do it, and that’s what it means to be in love with someone, whether it’s a partner or a sibling or a friend, if you feel comfortable 100% of the time, and you’re never afraid and you’re never hurt, and you’re never feeling the weight of loving them. My friend Jim zartman, who’s a coach and a pastor, says, you know, like get being married. This is quite gruesome, but it’s like each of you has a revolver that you put your partner’s finger on the trigger, and you just trust that they don’t point it at your head, and you trust that they’re not going to pull it, you know. So that’s just the way it is. If you’re really open, you’re going to risk being shot,

Eric Zimmer  12:52

you know? I think that’s an interesting idea. I’ve seen more and more of this. I feel like when I first got sober, which was like 1994 but I think even probably around when, when you got sober, and when I got sober again, the second time, you know, there was a lot of talk about CO dependency, and I think some of this I got from Buddhism, which can be interpreted this way, if you’re not careful, the sense was that the psychologically healthy person was this independent, whatever you do doesn’t affect me. I’m so secure that I don’t get ruffled by anything. And what I’ve seen really change over the last, really, probably last four or five years, is more of an understanding that kind of like you’re saying that Healthy Love means that we are vulnerable to someone and we can be hurt. So I think it’s sorting that out, like, what’s trauma informed response, what’s unhealthy response, and what’s normal? Human like, my partner’s upset with me, so of course, it feels bad. God,

Laura McKowen  13:59

yes, absolutely. I’m so glad you brought that up. Codependency is real. You know, there, there is very dysfunctional codependency. But I think the truth is always somewhere in the middle, as we know, and healthy places in the middle, in balance, it’s murky. I’ve said to him many times, you could really hurt me. You know, at the beginning of our relationship, it was like, wow, you know you could really hurt me, and I hadn’t really been in a partnership like quite like that before. It’s wonderful because you’re all in and it’s terrifying because you’re all in and we do depend on each other. It is murky. I definitely don’t have the answers to that. It’s like, you know it when you feel it kind of but to give a point by point description of the difference is really difficult. I think even healthy relationships can have a small amount of codependency. You know, if you’re an attuned person, I mean, I’m very attuned to other people’s energy, then my daughter too, and when they’re upset, I feel upset. Yep. Is that? Does that make me. Are unhealthy, I don’t think so. It’s I guess what I do in response to that, if I need them to be okay, for me to be okay, then we are drifting into unhealthy territory. But I think otherwise, it’s just loving 

Eric Zimmer  15:16

I think what you said there’s really important, like, how do I respond to them in a way that doesn’t make it about me, exactly, doesn’t make them being upset, them being down into suddenly about me. And there are people I’ve had in my life before. Maybe I was one of these people at some point where, no matter what it is, it immediately sort of flips into like they feel bad, you know, I no longer even feel comfortable feeling bad. Yeah, now

Laura McKowen  15:45

I have to rescue you. Yeah, exactly, yeah. It’s a responsibility thing, I think at the end of the day, but it’s overlapping circles. You know, there’s not you exist here and I exist here, and we never cross, we do, but at the end of the day, you feel responsible for your own experience. 

Eric Zimmer  16:02

Yep, you mentioned fight flight freeze, fawning. I heard another term recently for it, which was flopping. She made me laugh. I was like, that kind of just, yeah, that’s that sort of describes me, fight

Laura McKowen  16:18

freeze, yeah. So none of those are flopping. That’s hilarious. You

Eric Zimmer  16:22

You just use kind of collapse in on yourself. Yeah, go to sleep.

Laura McKowen  16:26

Yeah. I that I’ve flopped. The flopping and fawning feel more true to me than the other three. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer  16:34

Exactly Me, too. Yeah, too. Yeah. We were talking about this a little bit beforehand, but maybe we could hit on this as a general topic. You recently published something on one of your social channels about some books that you’ve loved recently, and maybe before we go into what any of them are, the books you’ve talked about were fiction books. Talk to me about what fiction specifically gives you that feels so important, valuable. Okay,

Laura McKowen  16:59

I love this topic. You know, I would say I’m traditionally much more of a non fiction, memoir lover like that would be my first love, maybe. But ironically, several of the books that have been instructive to me and helpful to me, I would say the top three or four of them are not memoir or non fiction. They’re novels. And I’d have to say it’s the mythology of it all. What we get to experience in fiction is some representation of a myth. So then it kind of widens the aperture of what’s possible, because real life is just real life. It can only get as strange as real life gets, or whatever. But fiction, I mean, you can include magical surrealism, you can include fantasy, you can include, you know, historical fiction. You can include things that are true and not true, and anything you know. And so you can use those tools to create a myth. And to me, the myths are what we’re always after, this timeless stories, the archetypal stories that live within us. And so, for example, one of the books that I posted was the book of longings, which you and I talked about, which is a fictional story about an alternate story of Jesus, obviously summon kid wrote, obviously researched widely. And there was, I mean, it was beautifully researched. You could tell she abided by what we know to be true about the story of Jesus, but also had to add, like, all kinds of things. And there’s something in that that made it feel more real and more true, because she allowed her imagination to fill in the blanks. So yeah, I just also love the writing the literature of fiction. You can see that sometimes in memoir, but in memoir, you know, they’re trying to tell a true story. So the writing tends to be different. I won’t say always, but it tends to be different, even if you look at writers who do both memoir and fiction writing, the fiction writing just has a different feel. It’s, you know, there’s more prose, it’s more lyrical often, so it feels like you just can get immersed in that world. Yep,

Eric Zimmer  19:16

it’s one of the things about doing this show that is hardest for me, is I have so much reading to do for guests that I don’t get to read as much fiction as I used to, but I still try and squeeze it in. There’s something about it that I deeply love, that book of longings, book I found so fascinating to see her describe somebody who is in relationship with Jesus. Like, what might it be like to be the intimate partner of somebody who’s that single minded

19:50

of Jesus Christ, of the like, most meta, yeah,

Eric Zimmer  19:56

yeah. And character in history you. You know, it’s not easy, you know. You think like, well, you know, but if you really think about like, Well, Jesus was kind of a, not always an easy to get along with guy, like, you know, like, it’s, it’s just, it’s, it’s amazing. But that’s not all it is, because she is an amazing character in her own right. I know you’ve got a line from that book that you love, which I’ll let you share in a second. My favorite line from it was, I think it was a prayer she offers or something, which was, bless the largeness inside me, no matter how I fear it.

Laura McKowen  20:30

Oh, I just got goosebumps. Yes, that was also one of mine. Bless the largeness in me. Yeah, I love when I am dust, singing these words over my bones. She was a voice

Eric Zimmer  20:42

that’s so good. Yeah, I know I was going to interview her. I think I had read something of hers years before, but hadn’t in a while. So we just, I just kind of immersed myself in her world for like, three weeks. And it was just lovely. You know, when Jenny and I drove to Atlanta and back, we listened to some of the books on tape, and I read that book, and it was just because they’re not books on tape anymore. I guess it’s not what that’s not really what it

Laura McKowen  21:06

is that’s okay. I understand what you mean. I listen to books on tape too. Okay? On my iPhone. Yeah. She is an extraordinary, extraordinary writer and woman, and her female characters are some of the best that have been written. You know, her first book, The Secret Life of Bees. That was when I fell in love with her work. And I think when a lot of people did first or it was their first novel, and with the women in that book, and then, you know, Anna in the book of longings, was among the best I’ve, I’ve ever read, too and strong female characters. The Divine Feminine is what she really captures

Speaker 1  22:02

you. Let’s

Eric Zimmer  22:13

change directions a little bit and talk about you know, your book was called the luckiest but you’ve created something called the luckiest club. Tell me a little bit about what that is and what’s happening there

Laura McKowen  22:25

the luckiest club. So TLC very nice. Makes it easy to remember, and it’s also kind of meaningful. So yeah, I created TLC in Well, what happened is in around early March of 2020, when the world started to shut down, I remember sitting on my couch. School had already been canceled, so my daughter was home, and we were still in that stage of where is this, like, how okay, it’s gonna be for a couple weeks, or, you know, it’s like it was all new. We weren’t quite sure how big it was or how long it was gonna last. And I remember sitting there working, and Facebook posts from the AA group in my local town saying we’re not hosting live meetings from you know, here on out, and we’ll stay tuned. And I went, Holy, okay, for some reason it was that not not school closing, or because that that room had stayed open in every blizzard. I’d never seen it get shut down. So I thought, This is bad. People need that meeting, those meetings, to be open. And of course, it wasn’t just my town. It was like everywhere. So I thought, I know how to host meetings, not AA meetings, but I I can host a meeting, and I put together this format. My experience in a helped me actually think of a format, but I included different readings of my own choosing. So I got to include poetry and literature and whatever I felt like reading, which was really fun to me, and I just kind of decided to do it. I didn’t think through much. I posted something on my website, people could sign up. When they signed up, they came to a page that showed the schedule. And I just and I was hosting all of them, and I was hosting one or two a week, right? So seven meetings at least a week, a couple times a day. And you know, I did that for two months, and it was awesome. It actually helped me so much in that time, and hundreds of people started to show up. And you know when you just know something is happening, like something was happening. And so many of these people had never been to a meeting because they never did A a or they weren’t even sober yet, but they had been on my email list, or followed me, or whatever. So this was their first experience of community and sobriety. And that’s life changing for people. If you’ve never felt that, never experienced that, and they could do it, you know, especially with what was going on, it was really neat. But it got to be obviously, like, Okay, I can’t keep doing this, because this is a lot. And. Yeah, so I thought I was like, in real time, in meetings, talking to them, like, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I’m thinking about it. I’m trying to figure it out. And then I set a date. I was like, I’m gonna and I’m gonna stop them. At this point, it was like, three or four weeks out, right? And people who are like, please don’t stop them. We would pay money do what you need to do. You know? We hope these continue. And I, over a couple weeks, put together a team, hired people to lead the meetings. Came up with a format essentially, you know, rolled up a quick like business and TLC was born. So we started with about 10 meetings a week. I led one or two of them, but the rest were led by other people that I knew in sobriety, which was really neat, because people that from all different traditions and backgrounds and demographics and experiences, and it was just really cool to see what was going on. So we started, you know, having we had a private forum off of Facebook where people could talk, and then just the meetings, that’s all it really was. There was nothing much to it. And then, of course, it evolved, because it was really working, like it was giving that core group that I started with where, like, some of them had been in sobriety for 20 years, and they were like, this is I needed this. Like, this is revitalizing my own sobriety. And, you know, we have a guy named Mike B who’s in his early 80s, who’s a host, and he has been sober for 35 years, and he’s like, this is the best thing that’s happened to me. And you know, we have younger people older people. It’s something that I knew was really special, and we all felt that. So fast forward to now, February 21 2022 and we have 35 meetings a week. We have newcomer meetings and beyond one year meetings and bipoc meetings and queer meetings and newcomer, or did I say, Yeah, newcomer and all kinds of other programming too. Beyond just meetings, we have something that’s called the academy, because, as you know, like we get sober and then it’s like, okay, then what? Now? What? Yep, so we have content to help people. The way we sort of look at it is like your life is a relationship, you know, with several different things, and in sobriety, you have to strengthen that relationship, go from unhealthy to more healthy, if possible, in that relationship. So the relationship with self, the relationship with others, relationship to body, the relationship to money, finances and the relationship to work are the ones that we focus on right now. And it’s been quite a ride, I bet. And, you know, it’s got its own culture. And I’ve seen people, you know, just like you do in AA, get sober, miraculously and change and then go on to, you know, start a subgroup in their own area, or for their, you know, like something that they’re interested in. And this will be our two No, I can’t even remember what year we are in 2021 this will be our two year anniversary in May. It’s wild to think that this didn’t exist at some point, because it’s just this, like, almost fully formed child. Now, I’d say it’s like a teenager. I was saying before we got on that, I didn’t really expect to do it. But it’s also like, of course, it makes sense that this is what was going to happen. Yeah, this is what was coming. Everything was sort of in preparation for that. And it’s probably the most special thing that I’ve ever been a part of.

Eric Zimmer  28:19

You know, in AA, there are different aspects of what make up. Aa, there’s obviously the fellowship, the getting together, the meeting with people. And then there is the program, which is you follow the 12 steps. I’m kind of curious, in the luckiest club, is it primarily fellowship? I know you’re starting to offer program related things. Say a little bit about that. And what I think this raises the more interesting question, is we see more and more recovery modalities starting to pop up, which I think is wonderful. You know, as I think about that, I’m like, Well, what is it that makes a modality more successful or less successful? And I’m kind of curious what your thoughts are on that, having been through a bunch of the ones that already existed, and now having two years of working on your own, great

Laura McKowen  29:06

question. So, you know, we read a script. There’s a few things we say at every meeting. We do have a culture, but I wouldn’t say yet that we have a program we don’t have. Okay, here’s the steps that you work or here’s what you go through, and that’s being developed right now. That’s actually the book that I’m writing. What I wanted, actually, was not to have that in the beginning. And what we say is we respect all paths to recovery. We don’t do dogma. We lead with compassion. We welcome you as you are. That’s who TLC is today. And I don’t, I don’t ever want to do dogma, right but, but I have also seen the need for something, for people to work against, to apply themselves against, kind of, yeah, a program, an actual program. Say what you mean by the word against. Like, we need, we need a program. You know, I’ve seen people go, Okay, I love going to these meetings, because right now it is, I would say, 99% fellowship. It’s community. It’s not that we just get on the meetings. It’s. Very intentional. The meetings are very structured. We have speaker meetings and topic meetings, and there’s a lot that goes into those. So it’s not like this free for all, but it’s mostly Community Fellowship, and that’s great, and it’s a big part of it. But people want something to work. They want to be able to do the work of sobriety against a program. And of course, I would say what we have as far as a program goes right now, which isn’t really a program. It’s more like a mission statement or a credo or something. Is at the beginning of my we are the luckiest book. The epigraph is actually a list of nine things, and says, One, it is not your fault. It is your responsibility. Three, it is unfair that this is your thing. Four, this is your thing. Five, this will never stop being your thing until you face it. Six, you can’t do it alone. Seven, only you can do it. Eight, you are loved. And nine, we will never stop reminding you of these things. And that is what we say at the end of every meeting, and that’s what my new book is built on, is those nine things. So to answer your question, it’s been largely fellowship up until this point, and then we’ve started to add in programming. And the reason I think that’s interesting is because I think there’s this idea that modalities show up fully formed, you know, but the best ones are built in community. Yeah, yep, you know. They’re built as a response to a community need not dictated from on high. Even Dr Bob and Bill Wilson did that. You know, they weren’t. Yeah, they wrote the book. They wrote the big book. And I think one of the places where it’s unfortunately fallen short is that they haven’t updated that literature to be inclusive of modern times. And every spiritual tradition that is the marker of whether something stays relevant or not, and it’s usually done as an oral tradition. You know, it’s it gets modernized and relevant to the context of the times, but that is what we’re doing with TLC, what we’re trying to do, you know, it’s imperfect. Also, as soon as you nail something down, you’re saying what you think is important, yeah, and you’re excluding other things, right? You can’t do all the things. No program can be all the things. And that’s something I’ve had to come to terms with. Like that. I just have to say, this is what we’re about, and make it as expansive and open as possible, and open to interpretation, but also be clear, right?

Eric Zimmer  32:33

Yeah, there’s a little bit of that idea. Like, if you stand for everything, you stand for nothing, kind of thing, right? Like, if you hit a certain point, you have to start to say, well, there is something here that works. But I think you’re right that these things emerge over time, and AA emerged over time. I mean, Bill Wilson didn’t suddenly sit down one day and be like, Oh, I’ve got aa figured out. Like it happened by meeting, you know, Dr Bob, and these things happen, and

Laura McKowen  32:58

Carl young and all these other people, right? Yep, that we don’t hear about, but it was very much a project of many minds.

Eric Zimmer  33:07

Yeah. And the thing I’ve heard, also, just to tag on to that, is that there were some people in AA who really pushed on that line at the end, God, as we understand him, that they pushed for that, whoever the few people were who pushed for that saved millions of lives,

Laura McKowen  33:24

absolutely. Well, it’s like founding father language, you know, it’s, you kind of look back and you go, how, how did that decision get made? And it was very prescient at the time. You know, yeah, yeah, that did save millions of lives. God, as we understand him, it’s been really interesting. You know, for example, a lot of people have said, well, what about like, moderation and what about harm reduction? And why can’t that be part of this? Or California sober? You know, What’s your stance on marijuana? And it’s like, I know I’m not

Eric Zimmer  33:57

close enough to the recovery community that I hear that term very often. So every time I hear it, it makes me laugh. Me too.

Laura McKowen  34:02

Me too. But it’s like, no, we’re not about moderation, management, we’re not a harm reduction we’re abstinence based community, and that’s okay. So, you know, stand for something, you fall for anything, or try to say everything. You say nothing, all those things. It’s a good check for me, because, as you know, we get pretty self righteous about certain things, and I’ve had my mind changed about a lot being in community, and that’s why, as my friend Jim says, There’s sanity in community. Yeah, right. That’s why we have it, because one person doesn’t know that is

Eric Zimmer  34:33

a great line. There’s sanity and community. Makes me think back earlier in this conversation, we were talking about, like, how do you know when you know something is like sort of Healthy Love or dependence and and the word that came to my mind was, well, it’s really about discernment. And one of the things that I certainly have come to believe, I think I believed it a lot earlier in my recovery, and then maybe I lost it a little bit, and I’ve really picked that thread up much more strongly, is that like, well. Discernment happens in community. It happens with other people. If you’re trying to discern all by yourself, it’s not to say that none of it’s possible, but you know, for me, I almost feel like true discernment needs a community, even if that community is one or two other people, 100%

Laura McKowen  35:14

that’s why we talk about relationships. We’re always in relationship to things. We’re not islands. As much as we like to think. We do things alone. We don’t not well. You know, ultimately, it is a relationship, and discernment happens in community, and everything we do is a negotiation with the world. It’s a call and response and a conversation that we have, right? I think when something gets to be unhealthy and cult like is when there is no conversation, when there’s only rules, when there’s only one way. Again, it’s that middle way, that fine balance. Yep,

Eric Zimmer  35:50

and some people might say A is a cult, but I think the fact that the traditions were created is what sort of to me, stopped it from becoming truly cult like, because nobody had the power. I mean, in cults, very few people have all the power as brilliant as I think maybe the steps are in some ways or what they did. I think the traditions are the thing that most blow my mind, that I’m like, how did they see that coming? Like, how on earth did they design a decentralized organization like that in like 1940 I

Laura McKowen  36:24

think there’s God in that. You know, not God is a creator person, but Christ consciousness, God consciousness. Yeah, it makes so much sense. Mere Mortals did not create. You’re not that good at that stuff. You know, our egos get in the way they

Eric Zimmer  36:38

were certainly working from a deeply inspired place, yes, regardless of how you want to quantify that they were Working somehow from a non egoic place, absolutely yes. You so I want to go to the nine things that you read at the end of the meeting, which were the epigraph to your book. We covered some of these in our first conversation, but given the fact that you read them in every meeting, means you like I probably believe you can’t really hear these things too often, and I love it that at least some of them are just pairs. They’re paradoxes, right? That you sort of put in there. And I’d love to talk about it’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility, because I think this is such a critical piece of recovery, regardless of what it is we might be trying to recover from, whether it be alcoholism or addiction or trauma or any number of different things, but this idea that it’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility, and share a little bit about why that’s so important, and maybe share what happens if you get stuck on either side of that? I agree,

Laura McKowen  38:03

this isn’t specific to recovery, even this is just life. This is, I think, what delineates the difference between, like what Carl Jung called the morning of life versus the afternoon of life, or what Richard Rohr called the first half of life versus the second half of life. You know, in the first half of life you’re usually very entrenched in one or the other of those things, and in the second half of life, you hold them both. So what they meant to me and why I wrote them that way, I think people tend to fall well, I don’t think I know from talking to lots of different psychologists in the research for this book that our tendency is to blame. It’s sort of our innate reaction as kids and even as adults, is to not take responsibility, because we’re not really taught how you know something you have to learn. And so a lot of what we do going throughout life is either take on all the blame or put all the blame somewhere else and or we mistake responsibility for things like duty and obligation. So we think we’re being responsible, but we’re not. We’re doing something out of obligation, and women especially do this like I am being responsible to my family. Let’s say I do everything they ask me to do. I show up everywhere I am at the mercy of everyone else’s needs. No, that’s not actually responsibility, because you’re not in there. You’re not taking responsibility for your experience. You are excellent at duty and obligation. But that’s like below the line of responsibility, as Christopher Avery developed, it’s called the responsibility process, and he was really helpful at explaining these things to me. So when we enter into recovery, or when we’re mired in addiction, our self blame or other blame, blame on others is very thick. It’s a world that we’re living in tons of shame. Not only is this terrible, but I’m terrible, and nothing happens there. We can’t get anywhere. With just it’s my fault. It’s just all my fault, and obviously, for cultural reasons, do believe it is our fault. You know, we still very much live in a world that doesn’t understand addiction, that addiction, where addiction is a moral issue, where people who get addicted or just need to make better choices, they lack control, will power all those things. It’s getting better, but unfortunately, that’s still very, very true, and so we feel, you know, like pieces of crap. So when people first hear it’s not my fault, it gives them permission to breathe, essentially. And then when you say, but it is your responsibility that also actually gives them permission to breathe, because people actually really want to take responsibility. They might not think they do, but we actually really do, but we just have it confused. Like the reason we want to take responsibility is because that is actually where our freedom is. That’s where our power is. That’s where we can actually effectuate change. That’s where we can have peace. For me, I thought everything was my fault. I never was. It’s that person and this person, and you know, the world’s against me. I was never that. I was like, very much the opposite, which is equally as damaging, right? Because it’s not true, and they’re two sides of the same coin. As long as I’m blaming myself or other people, I am unable to be effective right now, right? It’s just a bad story. I

Eric Zimmer  41:28

think what you just said there really caught my attention, which was when I say it’s not my fault, I can breathe right? Because up to that moment, even if I do think it is my fault, there is still I’m trying to defend and justify myself to some degree. Of course, if I think it’s all my fault, I’m sort of in a battle. Whereas, if I can go, oh, it’s not my fault, like you said, I can draw blame for a second. I can stop fighting something for a second, and then, yeah, oh, it is my responsibility, opens that up. I want to go back to something you said a minute ago, though, because I’d love to get your thoughts on this. You talked about duty or obligation, and I’m really interested in values. What are our values? Living out of our values, but living out of our values, and duty and obligation are very close cousins, right? Like, if I go, Well, my value is that I have a value that caring for family members is important, okay, there’s a value that very quickly can bleed into duty and obligation, right, in feeling. And so I’m kind of curious for you, how do you keep those apart? Do you think?

Laura McKowen  42:37

Yeah, great question. I’ve had a lot about this, because it’s complicated. If you’re truly operating out of your values, that means you’re living in choice, and if you’re living in choice, then you are taking responsibility. But a lot of times, people their actions, in the way they’re running their lives, are actually not in line with their values, they’re in line with someone else’s values, with society’s values, with their parents values, with someone else’s script, and then they’re just resentful, even if they won’t say it. So it’s not that when you live in responsibility, that suddenly your life looks different and you’re not doing anything you don’t feel like doing. It’s that you’re choosing, and you know why you’re choosing, even if it’s things that are terrible, that feel terrible, I mean, or that aren’t your preferences, necessarily, you can be in responsibility in them by making the choice and knowing why you’re choosing it. It’s when we follow script that we either aren’t aware because we’ve never actually thought of what our values are, it’s and for good reasons, like, it didn’t occur to us that we could, yeah, you know, we just took what was given, we did what we were supposed to do. We don’t know why we’re so miserable. And someone telling you like, Have you thought about what you want and what’s really actually important to you? That can be a revelation, and then letting that animate your choices is another revolution, and it might mean your life looks wildly different, or it might not mean that, but it’s the energy of which you approach things. Are you just reacting to your life, or are you consciously choosing the things that you’re doing because they’re based on your values? And look, this is a lifelong process, but that’s the difference to me, is that I

Eric Zimmer  44:31

totally agree, and I think that the thing that’s important in there also is to sometimes keep circling back to choice, right like, I think that we can get clear on what we value and what’s important. This happens with me taking care of my mother, right? Like, sorry, Mom, if you’re listening, but it starts from a place of, like, I care and I want to do it, and it’s a value. And then if I’m not careful, it starts to start to feel like duty and obligation, because I forget. It that you’re choosing I forget that I’m choosing it. So then I have to go, stop. Hang on. Nobody’s making me do any of this circle back. What’s my value, you know? So it feels like there’s a loop that needs to be maintained, you know, which is like totally value driving choices. Choices start to become habitual, because we habituate right, and then going, all right? I don’t want to be driven off habit, back to choice. Oh, yep, still lines up. Okay, you know? And it’s this looping process. It’s

Laura McKowen  45:27

an active living process that we are in every day. It’s not and your values change over time, you know, of course, yeah, that’s another thing people don’t necessarily get or appreciate or feel they have permission to do the things that were important to me 10 years ago are not important to me really anymore. Part of that is I’m older. Part of that is I’m sober. We change, we evolve. And I would say, you’re allowed to change. You’re allowed to change. This is such a fascinating topic to me. I am actually about to start on a two year program in existential psychology. It’s very popular in Europe. It hasn’t quite come to America, but it’s this merging of philosophy which talks a lot about the concepts of freedom and choice and responsibility, but also psychotherapeutic models. You know, how do you humanize that? So I spend a lot of time thinking about responsibility and the difference, because it can get really murky for me and other people, it’s probably one of the most worthwhile endeavors, is to commit yourself to discerning the difference to that in your life and to finding a way. Because look, the other thing is, like we don’t have control over so much, so it’s always done through the lens of your own skills, your reality, your present circumstances, your values at the time. It’s always very contextual, right? Yeah, there are, of course, many times in our lives where we’re faced with things that we didn’t choose. You know, you’re taking care of your mother, she didn’t choose that, and you didn’t necessarily choose it either, but it’s something that you’re faced with making a decision about now, the way to not become resentful of that is to be in responsibility in that choice.

Eric Zimmer  47:11

Yeah, yeah. I think the other thing that’s really difficult, and I’d love to keep hearing from you about this as you go through this program and as you learn more and get your thoughts now, but like, determining our values and which values are really ours and which values are the ones that we inherited, and recognizing that. What’s the way to say this, everything about us is conditioned by the past. I get kind of not hung up, but I spend a lot of time thinking about like, well, what’s my real value? Well, okay, what does that mean? Like, how do I know? Because, yeah, like, who am I? I’m a combination of the forces that have acted upon me, and so I don’t want to be just that, and that’s very real. And I think this idea of figuring out what we value is an easy phrase to say, but is extraordinarily difficult work. Yeah,

Laura McKowen  48:04

it’s some of the hardest work we do, because it often means rejecting people and institutions that have many times done well by us, you know, have sometimes even raised us. And you know, I read something amazing from Adam Grant the other day. I don’t know if you’re familiar with him, but I shared it actually. He said, Too many people spend their lives being dutiful descendants instead of good ancestors. The responsibility of each generation is not to please their predecessors, it’s to improve things for their offspring. It’s more important to make your children proud than your parents proud.

Eric Zimmer  48:39

Amen to that. Yeah, in the spiritual habits program that we do, we’ve got the main program, then there’s a second program in intensive and we were talking about legacy recently, and the phrase legacy sort of being like a connective tissue between generations, right? Like, I inherited a legacy, and I’m passing one on and getting really clear on which parts of that like, yep, keep that flowing and Nope, that stops here. You know, that’s

Laura McKowen  49:07

right, that’s a beautiful way to put it, like a river. You know, we’re gonna keep this part of it going, and we’re gonna put a block up here. Yeah, I love the word legacy, and I think that has a tremendous amount to do with values. It is the hardest work that we’ll do. I mean, some of the values that my parents had are not mine, and some of them aren’t mine because I just weren’t part of my DNA, like written in not literal DNA, but it’s like not in my soul. I was born not valuing those things, and maybe I assimilated and tried to value them for the sake of pleasing my parents and just getting along. But then you grow up. You know, Carl Jung thought that the highest evolution of a person is individuation, and I think that has everything to do with values and being in touch with yourself. I mean, that’s the prerequisite, is you. You have to actually be in touch with yourself. At any given point in time. And what does that mean? You know, get be in touch with with what I think. There’s a couple answers to that and shit. I don’t know this is like, well, out of my depth, but this is how I understand it. Is my unique blueprint, you know, my dharma in yoga philosophy, my fingerprint, my soul, what I was set here to do. And I look at that as the part of me that is most connected to God, as I understand God, I feel we all have a role that we’re here to play. I mean that quite literally. If you think of nature, everything is sort of by design, you know. And I don’t look at this like there’s a big creator and it’s all, you know, pulling strings. It’s bigger and more weird than that. But animals, for example, don’t get confused about their dharma. You know, like a cat is not trying to be the dog or the squirrel or the frog or whatever in my yard. They’re just freaking cat. And we’re a lot more complicated than that, but I do believe that we have in us a blueprint of sorts. And this isn’t something I made up, like this is the story deals with archetypes, but it’s also the story of like Arjuna and Krishna and the Bhagavad Gita. You know, it’s this idea of dharma. And I do believe that. And I think that ironically, when we do that, when we take on that mission fully, it actually destroys the ego, and we become less us in the egoic sense, and more in service of world.

Eric Zimmer  51:30

Boy, I could unpack that for about six hours, because I have so many questions in there and so many thoughts that we can’t follow that down its deep rabbit hole. At some juncture I would love to, because I’ll just say this about it. As I’ve gotten deeper into my various spiritual awakenings, it’s almost the deeper I’ve gone, in some sense it’s been that the personality sort of dissolves. And so the question that I end up with is, is there a particular nature of quote, unquote, Eric that exists beyond the genetics that I came into this world with, and things that have happened to me is that I’ve just sort of brought that form into my source energy that came flowing in, right? Or which just means that then, okay, you know, there are these elements, but at which point do I go, Oh, that experience was part of my dharma. That experience is part of my conditioning that I don’t want you know, yeah, gets very philosophical very quickly. Well, I think one

Laura McKowen  52:36

way that makes sense to me, this is why I really love the first half of life, second half of life, idea I’m rereading right now Richard Rohr book, falling upward, so it’s fresh in my mind, but that the first part of life is all about building the container we actually need. The first part of life, it’s not that it’s less important, or it’s somehow stupid, or like it’s not, you know, we need ego. We need to have a healthy ego. It’s like you need to learn all the rules so you know how to break them. Type of thing. We need a healthy ego to establish ourselves in the world, to build that container and to begin the individuation process. And then the second half of life is deciding what to put in that container. And I think as we put the things in the container, we kind of disappear at the end of my book, one of the last lines was, what I’ve come to understand about sobriety is like this unfurling, and over time, it’s become less me and more God. And I didn’t even write that like I I know that’s true. I don’t want to sound like this religious person, because I’m really not, but I am becoming more and more spiritual as time goes on. And I’m I’m just drawn to those teachings because it’s what feels the most true

Eric Zimmer  53:47

to me. There’s a quote I used in this spiritual habits program yesterday that I love from Jack Kornfield. He said there are two parallel tasks in spiritual life. One is to discover selflessness, the other is to develop a healthy sense of self, both sides of that apparent paradox must be fulfilled for us to awaken. Ah, that’s

54:06

beautiful. I need to look at that. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer  54:08

So we’re kind of doing these two different things in our desire to be like, is it this or that? Right? You know, I’ve often been like, which is it wisdom would say, Well, of course, you’re doing both, you know, and whether you’re doing them in parallel, whether you’re doing one of them at one point in life, another at another point in life, paradox, as you were talking about Dharma and Christian I was thinking about, I think there’s so much wisdom in some of the older Hindu teachings. And one that has always struck me has been that there are different things that you do at different stages of life that makes sense, that are absolutely like they’re all part of your spiritual path. Like there’s a period where family and career are part of your spiritual development. It’s not a distraction from it’s part of it you go through it. And I just love that. Instead of saying, like you just said that. That early part of building the container is like, it’s only there so you can get to the later part. No, it’s all important. And all part of it. It all belongs.

Laura McKowen  55:09

It’s all important. Yeah, the second part wouldn’t be meaningful if United did the first what Richard Rohr says, and what Carl Jung has said, is that most people don’t get to that. They don’t accept the mission of the second half, and I think that’s absolutely true. That’s why I get excited when I actually talk about sobriety. I’ve learned that’s what is most animating to me about it is because I knew, even when I didn’t want it, with every cell in my body, that it was my invitation. I knew it,

Eric Zimmer  55:38

yep, yeah. Well, we are out of time. Like I said, I feel like I could go down 50 different rabbit holes here, and hopefully we’ll get to do it again sometime. But thank you so much for coming on. You’ve got a new book coming that’s really exciting. Got the luckiest community. We’ll put links in the show notes, where people can get access to your book, to that community and another wonderful place for people to have a chance to work on recovery. So thank you so much, Laura, thank you. This is awesome. Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Sharing from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity, but we have something even better, and that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together, we can spread wisdom one episode at a time. Thank you for being part of the one you feed community. You.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

Anxiety, Beauty, and the Unknown: A Map to Emotional Resilience with David Whyte

May 6, 2025 Leave a Comment

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In this episode, David Whyte explores anxiety, beauty, and the unknown as a true map to emotional resilience. David shares how anxiety can be a doorway to deeper understanding and connection. He and Eric discuss the paradox of holding both joy and struggle, the surprising wisdom hidden in everyday emotions, and how poetry and language can bring us closer to the heart of life. This is an inspiring look at how we can build resilience by embracing life’s uncertainties.

Key Takeaways:

  • Exploration of human emotions, particularly happiness and anxiety.
  • Discussion of the duality of human emotions and the internal struggle between positive and negative qualities.
  • Insights from David’s book”Constellations Two,” focusing on the rehabilitation of common words and their deeper meanings.
  • The significance of the parable of the two wolves in understanding personal struggles.
  • The relationship between anxiety and unspoken truths about care and vulnerability.
  • The role of poetry in expressing and understanding complex emotions.
  • The importance of recognizing and embracing both happiness and unhappiness in life.
  • The concept of horizons as boundaries that inspire imagination and growth.
  • The idea that nagging in relationships can be a form of love and care.
  • Encouragement to engage in meaningful conversations and reflect on personal emotional landscapes.


David Whyte is the author of twelve books of poetry and five books of prose. David Whyte holds a degree in Marine Zoology and has traveled extensively, including living and working as a naturalist guide in the Galapagos Islands and leading anthropological and natural history expeditions in the Andes, Amazon and Himalaya. He brings this wealth of experience to his poetry, lectures and workshops. David’s life as a poet has created a readership and listenership in three normally mutually exclusive areas: the literate world of readings that most poets inhabit, the psychological and theological worlds of philosophical enquiry and the world of vocation, work and organizational leadership. His latest book is Consolations II: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words.

David Whyte:  Website | Instagram

If you enjoyed this conversation with David Whyte, check out these other episodes:

The Art of Poetry and Prose with David Whyte

Beautiful and Powerful Poetry with Marilyn Nelson

The Power of Poetry with Ellen Bass

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Episode Transcript:

Eric Zimmer 00:01:08  We often take ourselves so seriously the name we carry, the identity we’ve constructed, the projects we chase. And yet, as David White reminds us, the whole endeavor might be just slightly absurd. In this conversation with poet David White, we explore the deep truths that reveal themselves when we let go of our need to name, to define, to fix. David talks about anxiety as a mask for unspoken truths about the real meaning of care, and about the strange, sacred humor that arises when we realize how much we don’t control. From Zen koans to Irish folklore to yak mangers in the Himalayas, David weaves together the poetic and the practical. And somewhere in all of it, he helps us see that maybe the goal isn’t to be extraordinary, but to recognize the unordinary beauty of what’s already here. This is an episode about loosening our grip. Living with paradox and letting language lead us closer to the world, not away from it. I’m Erik Zimmer, and this is the one you feed. Hi, David. Welcome to the show.

David Whyte 00:02:16  Very good to be with you again, Eric.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:18  Yes, I am very honored to have you back on and very excited to talk with you.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:23  And we’re going to be talking about your latest book, which is called constellations two, which is a series of essays about, I don’t know if you call them common words, but words that all of us would know that you are putting under a little bit more of a microscope, I would say. But before we get to that, let’s start like we always do with the parable and the parable. There’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. and the grandchild stops and they think about it for a second. They look up at their grandparent and they say, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

David Whyte 00:03:13  Well, that parable would have meant something very different to me a few decades ago than it does now. And with all of my Zen sitting and Zen study, but also the deep states of attention that poetry and walking around, I might say bring. I’d say the one you feed is the one that holds both together, actually, that you don’t choose. We’re always choosing between what we think are opposing qualities, and there’s actually some invisible part of you that’s able to hold both horizons and to live in the territory between those horizons. I was just working with the story of of the young Finn McCool out on the road. he’s taken in under the tutelage of a wild bandit called Cormac McCall. And Cormac McCall takes the young Finn under his wing and teaches him the ways of a warrior. But he shows Finn their spear, which is bound to a tree with tight cloths, and it’s bound to a tree. Because this spear is so full of the spite of killing, as it says in the Irish mythological tradition, it’s so full of the spite of killing that it will kill anyone.

David Whyte 00:04:30  It comes across. And McCall says to Finn, you must never unbind this unless your life is at stake, and then you can unleash the spear and use it. And so there’s an understanding that we mostly operate through cooperation, through kindness. But there are times for cutting through and for eliminating. I’m not saying people, but eliminating qualities that are standing in your way. And they take a kind of fierce, ruthless presence, actually. And so human beings have never been able to choose just from the standpoint of evolutionary survival between their kind of cooperative qualities that they hold and the necessity to take a stand in the world, that not choosing that ability to hold both sides of the world. You could say these inner and outer horizons are very necessary and very powerful. I often think that horizons are enormously powerful in an individual human life. And one of the essays in constellations two is horizon. The way that we’re constantly seeing edges between what we know and what we do not know. And the horizons out in the world are certainly representative of that.

David Whyte 00:05:51  There’s nothing more beautiful than a far horizon to a human being, whether it’s mountains or the ocean or a far plane. And we’re finding out, actually, through medical research, that human beings are actually much calmer, much more at home in the world and much happier, actually, when they’re looking at a far horizon, when they have their heads up and their eyes gazing into the distance. And we all know the forms of unhappiness we have from gazing too closely at our screens, you know, whether it’s a phone or a laptop. But it’s interesting to think that we also have an inner horizon. We have a horizon insiders between what we can understand or actually feel physically about ourselves and what lies beneath. But we often feel that horizon inside us as a horizon of resistance or disturbance. We often see it as negative, actually, because what lies below will actually break apart. What lies above, what lies below. In many ways is the latest edge of our growing maturity, but it’s way beyond the life that we have actually constructed for ourselves on the surface.

David Whyte 00:07:08  So when you unbind that spear inside yourself, it feels as if it’s going to destroy and kill your present life. And so the ability to live with both what is nourishing in the world and what feels like qualities that will end your life is a real necessity. So the ability to actually go inside yourself and physically lean against that horizon, almost rest against it, and get used to what feels like a horizon of resistance and disturbance until it opens into something else. Often the qualities we feel there are what in your story, your parable, would be Associated with the consuming wolf, and so the ability to live in the territory between those two horizons, to hold both wolves inside you is what is called for in life.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:03  There are so many things you said there that I would like to respond to, and I’m only going to be able to hit a couple of them. But one, when you were talking about fierceness, I couldn’t help but think about Manjusri, the Buddhist, and what would you call him? A deity, a figure, it doesn’t matter.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:19  But he wields a flaming sword, right? To cut through delusion. I also was thinking about, in one of your essays, you write about Zen, that one of the things about Zen is it refuses to choose between different things. And then the last piece, I think, underlies a lot of what I think the book is pointing towards, which is that these words that typically, as you said, might fall under bad wolf category, or we might put under negative emotion category or however we want to label them are actually very useful and instructive. And when I look at the words that I picked for us to talk about this may be a personality test here in disguise. Anxiety, shame, guilt, injury, nagging. You know, unhappiness. You know, I left alone. Moon and reverie and sojourn again. Diagnostic, perhaps. Yeah, but the point is that the reason I picked those words is because you help turn them on their head to a certain degree. You help us see where indeed those things anxiety, shame, guilt can be not good within us, right? They can be destructive, but they are also hugely constructive, seen in the right light.

David Whyte 00:09:39  Exactly. And that’s the task of all these micro essays, both in constellations one and two, is to rehabilitate words and language that we use against ourselves. My understanding is that if there’s a quality that we feel, whether it’s jealousy and hate, then there’s a place for it in the constellation of our identity, actually. It’s necessary to understand what hate is saying to you. What anxiety is saying to you in my essay on unhappiness, which is one of my favorite ones. I say, if we’re happy now, unhappiness is how we got here. You always get to your happiness through the travails of your discontent and your difficulties. You have being in the world and being at ease in the world. And happiness is actually knocking on our door telling us this is the way to happiness. So it’s a rehabilitation of so many parts of ourselves that we’ve consigned to the negative, to one world for another. When you’re not supposed to choose, you’re supposed to live in the intimacy between them. And I’m thinking now of a Zen cone, where at the end of the story says that not knowing is most intimate, not knowing is most intimate, and you can think about that in a love relationship with your partner, your wife, your husband, that the more you can see them as if you’ve seen them for the first time, the more possibility you have of loving them for who they actually are, rather than the illusory identity that you’ve granted them.

David Whyte 00:11:14  So resentful part of the partnership and, and so but also not knowing allows you to look at a bird. You know, I was trained in zoology and marine zoology, and we learned all of the Latin names of animals and birds. So you’re automatically in the presence of a bird singing out the double barrelled Latin name of it, as if that tells you what you’re looking at. It’s actually a delusion. It’s actually a gate I had to teach myself when I went as a young naturalist to the Galapagos Islands. Not to say the Latin name to myself, to let the bird announce itself literally through its behavior, through its song, through its presence, through its flight. You know, to get another essence that lies beneath the name. Yeah. So we’re constantly naming things in ways that allow us to handle it, or I should say, allow our strategic minds to handle it. Yeah. Because we can be so terrified by the fierceness of the world in our evolutionary past, when we were gathered at night around the fire, and you listened out into the darkness and heard all of these cries and trumpet calls, and I’ve had this experience.

David Whyte 00:12:28  Actually, in today’s world, in the African bush, you told stories, you know, about what was out there and the story helped you to make sense of your fears and also of your communal protection, psychological protections. But it didn’t mean to say that your stories were true about what you are hearing or what you are frightened of. And all of our great traditions going back for hundreds of thousands of years, always say that the real ability to be present in the world is through deep, prolonged, silent attention and the ability to shape a deeply attentive identity that can sustain that form of attention is how we come to ground in this world, and how we actually live in the territory between what we call unhappiness and what we only call happiness.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:27  I want to go back to something you said a couple minutes ago about once we name something, we cease to see it. I think Krishnamurti had that quote, which was something like, you know, once the child learns the name of the bird, they never see the bird again pointing to what you’re saying.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:42  And at the same time. One of the things poetry does is it it’s specificity about what it’s seeing. It’s seeing a birch tree, not a tree. Even the Zen koan, you know, it’s not a tree in the courtyard. It’s the oak tree in the courtyard. So there is also at the same time, the concept and the name takes us away from the thing. There are ways in times in which the name brings us closer to the thing.

David Whyte 00:14:10  Yes, Emily Dickinson said a word is dead when it is said. Some say, but I say it just begins to live that day. There’s a poet speaking. I mean, the task of poetry is to use language in a way which grants life and is just as moveable as the thing that you’re speaking of. And so it’s why you’ll almost never see the word God in good poetry. And if you do see the word God, it always brings the poem to a halt. You have to use language that opens up the physical quality itself, and opens up the silence behind that word and the kind of gravitational pull of the world.

David Whyte 00:14:52  I often talk about the conversational nature of reality, and the ability of a human being to create a more conversational identity in that world, but you could say that every conversation is based on a mutual invitation. And we all know the way in intimate relationships that the conversation stops when our invitations stop. When you stop making an invitation to your partner in a marriage or a relationship, almost always the conversation and the relationship is coming to an end. So the invitation we make is through our eyes, our ears, and then our speech. So poetry is invitational speech in a way, and it’s joining the invitational nature of the world. The world is constantly calling us out from any subscribed or circumscribed perimeter that we’ve laid down for ourselves in the in the dust around our feet. It’s constantly calling us over the horizon that we’ve arranged for ourselves. And it’s one of the reasons the world is so nourishing. It’s one of the reasons the world is so terrifying at the same time, and our ability to submerge in screens and not be physically present in the world is definitely one of the ways where we’re hiding.

David Whyte 00:16:10  And especially in North America, it’s almost become a cultural norm to walk into places where everyone has their head down in screens. You know where they are controlling, what they see, what they’re listening to in many ways. And the wilder, more abandoned edges of the world, you know, are kept at bay, where you don’t have control of who you meet, where the conversation leads you, how your physical body is behaving in the presence of other physical bodies. So inner and outer horizons, the conversational nature of reality, the invitational nature of reality that will never, ever lead us alone. Which which is why we so often get anxious about the world. But anxiety is one of the telling qualities that tell us we’re supposed to respond to a certain knock on our door in a way other than the way we’re responding to it now.

Eric Zimmer 00:17:08  So let’s move on to anxiety. It’s one of your essays, and I was wondering if maybe you could just read the first couple paragraphs of it?

David Whyte 00:17:18  Yes. Yeah, I was just revising this the other day, actually.

David Whyte 00:17:22  So this is the latest version or just a few sentences changed, but, crucial sentences. I think anxiety is the mask that truth wears when we refuse to stop and uncover its face. Anxiety is the mask that truth wears when we refused to stop and uncover its face. The disembodied state I feel when I pretend to put things right by worrying about them instead of conversing with them. The disembodied state I feel when I pretend to put things right by worrying about them instead of conversing with them. Anxiety is my ever present excuse for not truly resting into the body or the breath, or a world where I might find out that truth. Anxiety is the temporary helper. Going by the name of worry, who, when turned into our constant living companion, becomes our formidable jailer in the midst of anxiety. We always haunt the body like an unhappy ghost from the past, instead of living in it as alive. Anticipation of our future Anxiety creates the ghostlike sense of living timidly in our mortal friends so that we begin living in the world in the same way as a troubled guest, a guest who does not believe they deserve the rest, and hospitality that the body, the breath, or the world can offer.

David Whyte 00:18:58  Anxiety is the mind refusing to be consoled and nourished, either by the body itself, or by the beauty of the world that this body inhabits. Anxiety is an extended state of denial. The refusal to put right something that needs to be put right, because putting it right often means feeling real anguish, a real sense of the unknown, and the need to change at a fundamental level.

Eric Zimmer 00:19:31  That’s beautiful.

David Whyte 00:19:32  That last line is crucial about the refusal to feel real anguish. Anxiety is often a limbo state where we refuse to actually fall down into the grief that we’re actually feeling. You know, if you read back into our mythological past or even into the Bible, the King James Bible, you see people are constantly falling down, weeping or tearing their clothes. There was an understanding that a full state of physical grief is actually a form of enlightenment. We’ve all had that experience where we lose someone close to us, you know, without just breaks apart all of our defenses, and we break down weeping. And for many people, that is the nearest experience they will have to what is called kensho in the Zen experience of breakthrough, of enlightenment.

David Whyte 00:20:30  Actually, you’re on an edge. There’s nowhere else to be in the world. There’s no further place to go. You’re intimate with the loss. You’re intimate with your own physical body in the world. You’ve given up your hopes for an easy explanation, and you’re just plunged into the sheer physical absence of the person that you’ve lost. And there was a moment back in the 13th century where the great Dominican mystic Meister Eckhart was asked by someone, obviously in the state in a state of grief because he said, Where is God? Where is God? And Eckhart said, God is nowhere. God is pure absence. The person he must have thought a lot of the person he said this to. Because, you know, it’s asking a lot of the person to whom he’s speaking. So it’s probably someone who was a student of of Eckhart, that he’d be worthy of this description, that he’d be up to and able for understanding God in this way. That God is, is the far horizon of your you’re young, it’s where you’re being pulled to out of yourself.

David Whyte 00:21:37  Yeah, it’s the greatest context you can imagine. And, you know, even as you’re imagining it, that it will lead you to places that you still cannot imagine.

–

Eric Zimmer 00:22:07  Back to anxiety. I think part of the problem with anxiety is that I think it arises out of uncertainty. Let’s say I’m anxious about something. If that thing were to actually occur, I have developed some degree of capability of allowing myself to go into the grief, the heartache, the pureness of all these things we’re talking about. What I found harder to do is when that loss is looming and may or may not happen. And it seems those are the really difficult things to set down. The ones that could go either way.

David Whyte 00:22:43  Yes. Yes. So this is, you know, the powerful physical gift that deep silence gives you is to allow the world to be itself and to announce, as it goes along, what’s actually occurring. Because we all know how many of our anxieties will never actually come to pass. And we all know the way that things we should be anxious about will come to pass.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:09  Right.

David Whyte 00:23:10  So quite often.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:11  That we have no idea. Or even coming.

David Whyte 00:23:13  Yeah. What we’re worrying about is not what we should be worrying about. Precisely. And the ability to see to the center of the pattern also strips away all of these necessities that the surface that we think we need in order to be ourselves. Silence always leads you to a radical kind of Of simplicity and so many of the things that you’re defending on the surface, you realize are ridiculous and part of some absurd project that you decided are your ancestors decided to hand down to you, and you immediately eliminate a lot of the things you’re going to worry about just by paying attention in deep silence and starting to shape an identity that’s in that deep silence.

Eric Zimmer 00:23:58  The horizons that you were talking about. I was actually going to save that kind of end of the interview, because I think it is such a uplifting and hopeful, although there’s fear embedded in it. But ultimately, for me, it ends up being hopeful because this idea that there is a horizon out there that I can’t yet imagine is really consoling to me, because I think what we all tend to do is we have something that feels important to us, and it’s out there in the future and it’s uncertain, and we want it to go a certain way, because all we can imagine, as far as we are able to imagine, is how this thing we want won’t happen. And that’s as far as we can see. But a horizon says there is something beyond that.

David Whyte 00:24:46  The definition of a horizon that you can’t actually see what’s beyond it, but your imagination is drawn to it. Yes. And your physical body is drawn to it at the same time, we’re migratory creatures, actually. We came out of Africa hundreds of thousands of years ago, following horizon after horizon. It was part of our ability to survive and be in this world, actually. But it’s also part of our joy, the joy of our beauty and of exploration. Often when we lose our relationship to beauty, we also lose our relationship to courage, which is really our heartfelt love of the world and care for the world. And so there’s another paragraph here in the essay on anxiety. The way we use it as a defense against beauty and against nourishment, and against all the ways that the world is actually giving to us. You know, through the blue of the sky, the green of grass, you know, the wind across the mountainside.

David Whyte 00:25:53  Constant anxiety is an unconscious defense against what is calling us to a deeper understanding, ever present anxiety actually covers over and prevents me from feeling fully what is preying on my mind, or what is trying to be gifted to me. Constant anxiety is our constant way of not paying attention. Anxiety is the trembling surface identity that finds the full measure of our anguish too painful to bear. Constant fretting is our way of turning away from and attempting to make a life free from the necessities of heartbreak. Anxiety is our greatest defense against the vulnerabilities of intimacy and a real understanding of others, allowing our hearts to actually break. Might be the first step in freeing ourselves from anxiety. That’s probably the most radical line I wrote in the essay. Allowing our hearts to actually break might be the first step in freeing ourselves from anxiety. There’s another essay in here called Care the word care, and my favorite line in that essay is care doesn’t care if you don’t want to care. Human beings don’t have a choice about caring. They always care about something.

David Whyte 00:27:16  Yes, and care is the measure of our heartfelt participation in the world. And the only way you can stop caring is to actually close yourself off from the world. Yeah. So opening up the path of care is also opening up the path of heartbreak. There is no sincere path a human being can take in this life without having their heart broken. And yet we spend enormous amounts of energy trying to find a path where we will not have that imaginative organ broken open and displayed to the world. Right?

Eric Zimmer 00:27:56  I had something I was going to say and it just zipped away. Okay.

David Whyte 00:28:00  The heartbreak of interviewing.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:05  You just redeemed that. That’s probably going to end up staying in the interview. Now. Chris isn’t going to cut it. Exactly. Yes. Anyway, I’m going to move on because it’s gone. But I’m going to stay with anxiety for a second. And I’d like to talk a little bit about what do we do with this? Because again, I think sometimes, yes, it’s a way of avoiding what we’re actually feeling.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:27  And I think in the other way, it’s what we talked about. It’s this uncertainty. And there is care in it because we are seeing that this thing really matters to us, and we don’t know what’s going to happen with it, which is, I think, what causes the anxiety. And you say that anxiety is difficult to shed because it always refuses to rest, and rest is where the answer to anxiety lies.

David Whyte 00:28:54  Yes. And actually rest lies under our anxiety. The very thing you’re being anxious about is the very thing you’re meant to converse with in a different way than your anxiety is allowing you to speak.

Eric Zimmer 00:29:09  That’s a beautiful way of saying.

David Whyte 00:29:10  Anxiety is both my protection and the sure indication of my deepest vulnerabilities, all at the same time. What seems completely wrong with my life, with the world, and with the time in which I live, is often my greatest manufactured defense against being fully part of this world, this body, and this time. What I worry about and fret about for my children’s future is often what keeps me from helping them into that future.

David Whyte 00:29:39  What I worry about, and what I am anxious about, keeps me in an insulated, busy state of mind that stops me feeling the true depth and vulnerability of how much I care, how much I want to make a difference, and how much I feel powerless to do it. So underneath anxiety lies this deep well of care. I care about something, but I’m afraid of caring to the depth to which it’s calling me, because it calls for a kind of physical vulnerability in the world that probably my parents or my schooling or my society did not initiate me into. So I need help. You know, you can get it from the poetic tradition, And from our great contemplative traditions that talk about the vulnerabilities. You know, we tend to think of Zen, for instance, and I’ve got an essay on Zen. We tend to think of it as this beautiful, clear state. And it’s all about polished floors and bronze bells and the clarity of sitting in silence. Very organized. But really, the path of Zen is the invitation to heartbreak.

David Whyte 00:30:49  And all of the Zen koans are often about physical breakdown, about not understanding something because you can’t stand being so fully invited, so physically into the world, and the breaking apart into tears are a great shout, or the moon reflected in the surface of the water in the bucket. The bucket breaks open, the water runs out, you know. And then it says, and then the monkey’s enlightened. And you don’t realize the physical experience of breakdown that the said monk went through at that time. Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:31:26  Yep. It’s always monk. So-and-so stubbed his toe, hit his head, was struck by lightning, was locked in a tomb. There’s always something like that to your point, which causes this breakthrough. 

I wanted to pause for a quick, good wolf reminder. This one’s about a habit change and a mistake I see people making. And that’s really that. We don’t think about these new habits that we want to add in the context of our entire life. Right. Habits don’t happen in a vacuum.

Eric Zimmer 00:31:54  They have to fit in the life that we have. So when we just keep adding, I should do this, I should do that, I should do this. We get discouraged because we haven’t really thought about what we’re not going to do in order to make that happen. So it’s really helpful for you to think about where is this going to fit and what in my life might I need to remove? If you want to step by step guide for how you can easily build new habits that feed your good wolf, go to Good Wolf Range and join the Free Master class. Let’s move on to a couple of the other things. There’s so many that I want to talk about, and the book is amazing in that way. I don’t know how many you wrote, but there’s a lot I ended up choosing like 25, and then I had to edit way down from there. So I want to make sure we get a little bit of a tour.

David Whyte 00:32:41  The number is important actually, because it was a part of the story.

David Whyte 00:32:45  I began very naturally writing these essays, and I created a reader circle and did 24 people signed up for it, and I did 24 one every two weeks for people. And that got me writing. And then I did another 24, and then I said, oh, I have a book. And then I added a few more and lo and behold, it came out with 52 essays in the first book. And all of the reviewers said, oh, a pack of cards of one for each week of the year. But it was just sheer luck that I put 52 out. And so I decided to do 52 again in the second one, just because the number had been so talismanic, so luckily talismanic for the first one. And I actually wrote 65 essays in seven months last year in a kind of delirium. And it was a delirium, actually. And then I chose 52 out of the 65 to put out in the book.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:37  I think that’s very interesting, because one of the things that I noticed in beginning to read the book, and this is a this is a feature of our modern life, right? That we’re going so fast is that at first reading of some of the essays, you know, I’m talking about the first hour in the book or so.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:55  I’m feeling impatient because I’m like, this is beautiful, but what’s the bottom line? You know, David, lay it out for me. What’s the bottom line? And as I had a little bit more time with it and I began to slow down, then they start working on a completely different level. And so I think a week is actually an interesting amount of time to think about spending with one of these.

David Whyte 00:34:18  As well, said Eric, because you’re not meant to start this book and read it all the way through, and it would probably kill you in the way it killed me to write it. You did.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:28  That? Yeah.

David Whyte 00:34:29  You’re meant to take one essay and spend a few days with it, actually, and they’re short enough that you can return to them. And yes, exactly the physical experience itself. It’s like poetry. You can’t speed read poetry. Poetry itself actually engages you to slow down to the same physical experience in which it was actually written.

Eric Zimmer 00:34:50  Yes. There’s an old Chinese line, something like read a book for the thousandth time, and the truth will emerge. And when I started studying with the Zen teacher, really? Seriously, I remember he was like, okay, here’s the book to read. And it was, I think it was Appreciate Your Life by, Mizuki Roshi doesn’t doesn’t really matter. But what I noticed was I was told and encouraged to read that book in a totally different way. This is in the last decade since I had this podcast and as part of having this podcast, I’m reading a lot, right? Because I’m trying to honor every guest by reading their things. I’m trying to understand the material, so it’s the way I show love to the guests, to the audience, right? But it’s fast. And I suddenly realized when I was doing this reading for my Zen practice, I was reading a book that I could have read in an afternoon for six months. Yes. And your essays, I think, provoke a similar thing. There’s a lot of facets as you turn the diamond around, you know, the diamond being the word.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:49  Right. There’s so many facets. And of course, there’s that thing that happens when we read, which is that if we truly are engaging, we are not the same person that we were the first time we read it.

David Whyte 00:36:01  Yes, exactly. I mean, the essays are written in a poetic fashion and in poetry you only need one line. Actually, they are like koans. In my essay on despair in the first book. The only line you need from that essay is despair takes us in when we have nowhere else to go. Despair takes us in when we have nowhere else to go. Everything’s in that line. You know the shelter that’s in despair. The invitation to give up. It’s a temporary form of giving up. Where we pretend we can’t go on. In a sense, in order to go down to another layer of ground. And so, yes. Prolonged attention. You’re much better reading one line and staying with that for a good few hours or one paragraph. Then you are running through the whole book, you know, so quickly.

David Whyte 00:36:48  So as you know, Eric, we have a our educational systems Commoditize learning. And I think actually one of the bright sides of what’s also going to have a big shadow, you know, with artificial intelligence is that we’re no longer going to be able to test people on rote learning. Right. It’s going to free us up. We’re going to have to reimagine what learning and testing what learning means. We’re going to have to go back to more of a, you know, the ancient oral inheritance of testing presence. Yes. And testing understanding at a deep level.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:26  What you say about only needing one line. It’s funny, when I listen to you read, there are so many lines that could be the line that I expect. That’s the end, right? Like you just hit it with the line that ends up and and then it goes on. And I say that as a compliment, not as a negative thing. Right. Because each of these lines is good enough that it could be an ending.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:49  And you’d have so much to ponder and reflect upon. Let’s move into another essay I am going to skip. Bye for now. To that, I really want to talk about guilt and shame because it’s really important, right? Those are really big things, but I feel like I want to hit one that just was the one that I most was like, That I didn’t see coming. And it’s about nagging.

David Whyte 00:38:14  Yes.

Eric Zimmer 00:38:16  You say nagging is love and listened to from both sides. Say more about nagging. I found it a really beautiful essay and surprising.

David Whyte 00:38:25  Well thank you. There’s a number of essays that are begun. Tongue in cheek. The one now you know. Yes, they are now. Where I say now is not what it was. Yeah, but then it goes into more serious territory. And I just wanted to choose something that we all have to work with in relationship. And I thought, have I ever come across a long term relationship where nagging doesn’t occur, you know, either in your own life or witnessing other marriages? Yeah.

David Whyte 00:38:56  And I realized what an emblem of care it is, actually. And if you’re in a relationship where you’re never nagged, you do have to ask yourself if the person really cares about you. I mean, we know all the evidence of the way that in relationship, especially for men, you’re going to live longer being in relationship, most especially with a woman who’s actually asking you if you’re taking care of yourself in the right way. And men live so much longer in relationship. Unfortunately, women don’t, so they need to kind of help. But but nagging is love and listened to from both sides. The helpless nagger and the equally helpless naggee nagging is something both sides want to turn away from. Something both sides would rather not experience, but something that is also an abiding and ancient necessity in every long term relationship. Love meets powerlessness. Love meets powerlessness. Nagging is our way of knocking on a door when those living inside most need our help but refuse it, or when we ourselves neglect again and again to ask for the necessary help.

David Whyte 00:40:14  Nagging is necessary in every committed human relationship. Because nagging is the way love tries to survive when it feels it has no other way.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:27  Yeah, the two lines there for me are when love meets powerlessness and then the last one. Nagging is the way love tries to survive when it has no other way. And yes, I love it because it goes back to these things that we see as negative point towards what we truly care about and what matters. And nagging is just another example of that. It is. There’s something that I want. There’s something deeper I want here in this relationship, and I’m not getting it. And it’s partially why nagging often the relationship advice is like, look underneath the thing. It’s not about the thing. It’s not about the trash being taken out or not being taken out. It’s not about it’s usually about something far deeper. Which gets to another essay that you’ve alluded to, which is where we’re feeling uncared for. So we’re nagging as an attempt because it’s the way we’re trying to keep love alive when it feels it has no other way.

Eric Zimmer 00:41:24  Just such a beautiful idea.

David Whyte 00:41:26  Yes, it can also be, you know, proactively helpful in a way that can help a person who’s refusing to get diagnosed, you know, for some kind of pain they have in their body. They’re just trying to soldier on. You know, most especially in the masculine psyche and the necessity to keep knocking on that door and to find different ways of saying it until it’s heard.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:08  I think that’s so tricky to figure out. I’ll give you an example. I’ve got a friend and her husband is taking terrible care of himself. Right. High blood pressure, you know, high cholesterol, way overweight, eating terribly, not exercising. And his father went in his 50s from heart disease. And he is now in his 40s. And they have young children. So she is really flummoxed by this and frustrated by it. Right, because she doesn’t want her kids or herself to be left without their partner in potentially 5 to 10 years. And so I think what you come up against here is this also love meets powerlessness.

Eric Zimmer 00:42:50  Like, what can you do that doesn’t destroy the relationship by trying to get somebody to do something they don’t currently want to do?

David Whyte 00:42:59  Yes. I mean, it’s the invitation on both sides is on the one side to say it in a way in which there are no defenses against what you’re saying. And on the person who’s being asked. It’s listening at another level. Yes, but sometimes in order for that listening to occur, you literally have to get down on your knees. You can’t just keep saying it as a logistical invitation. Get to the doctor, get to the doctor. It may actually necessitate you as the nagger going to another level of intimacy, literally getting down on your knees in tears and saying why it’s so important to you. You know, if that doesn’t work, it may be that the relationship is coming to an end. There are certain points, you know, where you try sincerely, metaphorically and mythologically three times. Yeah. And if it’s not received then you’re meant to hold a different conversation with that person.

David Whyte 00:44:00  But you won’t find out until you follow what looks like nagging on the surface to its foundation in a real invitational conversation that displays your vulnerability in why you’re asking this.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:14  And I think it gets to a really challenging thing, which is what are we willing to or able to live with in a relationship? And what is our relationship with ourselves about the trade offs that life inevitably involves? Yes, I’d like that to be your next book. Take the Serenity Prayer and write an entire book about how the wisdom to know the difference in lots of really knotty situations. Why don’t you tackle that one next?

David Whyte 00:44:43  Mark, that’s your next book.

Eric Zimmer 00:44:45  Actually, I honestly think it might be. I really sort of jokingly, but not because that idea of, well, you just accept the things you can’t change and you change the things you can is lovely on the surface. But boy, it’s complicated because we don’t know, right? You don’t know, am I? One more ask from the person changing.

David Whyte 00:45:06  Well, you know, there’s another level to this is the way we nag ourselves. We nag ourselves in unproductive ways. Nagging is, you know, you will often say to yourself in the mirror, oh my God, you know, you need to lose some weight, you know? But it’s really underneath that the need to be lithe, to be young, to be healthy in the world, you know, and the ability to actually talk to yourself in the mirror in a way in which you would want to listen to yourself, is a whole discipline in and of itself. If you talk to your friends the way you talk to yourself in the mirror, you’d never have another friend in your life, actually, right? So the ability to have compassion for yourself, you could say that’s a practice of deepening the conversation, deepening what looks on the surface like nagging. Yeah. The conclusion of the micro essay on nagging is nagging. Is that heavily disguised? Beautiful. But unlistened to invitation to a Better Life. We all want to receive nagging. Is that heavily disguised, beautiful but unlistened to invitation to a better life we all want to receive always despite ourselves. And always, always, always, always. Despite the other person trying to be brought out of the place where it is presently hiding. Nagging is love. Just love. unlistened to from both sides.

Eric Zimmer 00:46:30  That point you made about. We’re nagged quite often because we’re not really listening right to our conscience, to what is good for our health, to the courageous, beckoning path we refuse again and again to take. And I think that’s what’s so interesting also points to a lot about what you talk about in the essay on guilt. Right? Which is we tend to think we should move away from it, but it could be enormously instructive. So that nagging voice inside of us, I think, calls upon us to have some degree of discernment about is it nagging us unnecessarily and in unkind and habitual ways like you just described. Or is it nagging me because there’s a deeper call that I’m not answering? And like many things, that’s difficult to figure out. But one of the things that you’ve said multiple times, and I’ve heard you say it before, but I don’t think it landed for me in the same way that it did today, is that it’s about the conversations that we have with these things and going to a deeper level of conversation with them than we normally do.  That seems to be an underlying theme of what you’re pointing us to in all of these.

David Whyte 00:47:39  Yes, and we can tend to think of conversation as just some kind of verbal exchange, you know. But the Latin roots, the etymology of conversation, lead us to its original meaning, which is inside out. Actually, converse means inside out, and you’re literally meant to bring the inside to the outside. That’s the true invitation in every conversation. We all know the satisfaction when we have an exchange and they’re rare, you know. Although you can make them less rare through practicing deeper conversations, we all know the pleasure and satisfaction we get when we suddenly say something we didn’t realize we knew, and that we we suddenly say something together. I mean, I’m having that experience with you, Eric, in this interview where we’re saying things about things I’ve written here, which I’d never quite said before. That’s incredibly satisfying. It’s bringing the inside of an experience out into the world again. Yes. And the essays themselves are meant to do that.

David Whyte 00:48:42  But it’s interesting to try and think of more than interesting to think of conversation as a physical experience of bringing the inside to the outside. Yeah. Not just what’s hidden verbally, but the physical experience that’s hidden under the words out into the world.

Eric Zimmer 00:49:01  That’s beautifully said. Let’s lighten things up here quite literally, because you say that humor is a disguised form of spiritual discipline. I’ve often called it a spiritual virtue. Levity is a spiritual virtue. Talk to me about how humor is a disguised form of a spiritual discipline.

David Whyte 00:49:20  Humor tells us that whatever context we’ve arranged for ourselves, in our minds, or in our religious beliefs, there’s always another context that makes your context absurd. Right. And just understanding that from the get go gives you a real sense of humor, a real ability to live at many different levels at once. And, you know, humor’s really big in the Irish culture, and it’s big because it fits with the Irish understanding that whatever you say always has another context that contradicts it. Exit.

David Whyte 00:50:00  Yeah. Yeah. And every conversation in the west of Ireland is actually based on this dynamic, every real conversation. You try to subvert the original basis on which the conversation started, and then everyone’s really happy. And you can go on to the next subject. Actually, I’m serious about humor. As serious about humor as the understanding. Now, however you’ve described yourself. It will not survive meeting with reality. I had this experience many years ago up in the Himalayas of almost dying from amoebic dysentery. I was hallucinating for three days and three nights, actually, in a yak manger at 10,000ft. And that’s outside where this family were keeping me alive, actually. And, the culminating experience after three days was sitting up covered in dried yak dung and straw, just laughing outrageously. The whole family ran out, actually, to see what was happening. And my experience was that this whole David White project was totally absurd. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. And I had this name. I had this idea about myself, and it was just absolutely ridiculous.

David Whyte 00:51:15  And I was literally raving sitting up. But it was a real powerful breakthrough that stayed with me after I came out of the hallucination. And beneath me was this river in the valley, the high valley that came out of the slopes of Del Aguirre. And I realized, looking at the river, we’d given a name to that river, the Martian river valley. But actually you were naming something that was already gone. And you might as well try to understand the human being, you know, through this essential movement, through the world, through the way they hold the conversation of life rather than through any static nomenclature, we often will try to dismiss a person by labeling them. You see it in the adolescent behavior emanating from the white House at the moment. You know, naming and nicknaming people, giving people names that make them small in the eyes of the world that embarrass them, you know. You know, this is the way that we behave as adolescents in trying to keep the world at bay and trying to keep other adolescents at bay.

David Whyte 00:52:24  We want a more mature experience of the world. We stop naming people too early in the process. You know, we stop calling our wife wife, our husband husband, our partner partner. We start releasing them from the names we’ve given them. You’re good at this. You’re bad at that. You know it’s your fault. It’s my fault. And you start to let the words emanate from another, more movable, more conversational, more invitational, more vulnerable. Robustly vulnerable. Where vulnerability is not a weakness, but a strength, a place. And it’s actually not a place. It’s more of a wave form or it’s a tide. It’s. It’s the sea that lies beneath you and between you and the world. I have a whole book of love poetry called The Sea. And you actually. And it’s the ability to stay in love with a person by actually feeling that tidal give and take inside them. They don’t even know who they are. So how could you give them a name, right, and say you know who they are, they’re just finding out who they are.

David Whyte 00:53:38  We give names to our son, our daughter, and about who they are, but they’re often out in the world trying to find that out themselves. So how could you, even as a father or mother, name fully the child that you brought into the world? Actually.

Eric Zimmer 00:53:54  And as soon as you name it, it’s something else, right? I mean, that’s the Taoist view of reality. And Zen comes out of Taoism, which is that life is all process, it’s all event, it’s all relation. These things that we are giving nouns, they aren’t that way really at all. And the same thing happens if you dig deep down into the fundamental level of reality, right? If you get down into quantum physics, you find things aren’t things in the way we think they are.

David Whyte 00:54:23  Yeah, there are great lines in a love poem by Pablo Neruda. He says, when the rice withdraws from the earth, the grains of its flour, when the wheat hardens its little hip joints and lifts its face of a thousand hands, I make my way to the grove, where the woman and the man embrace to touch the innumerable sea of what continues.

David Whyte 00:54:48  El Mar innumerable. Continues to touch the innumerable sea of what Continues. So we’re afraid of what continues, because what continues may take the other person away from us. And that’s the risk we take, you know, in loving fully, it’s always the full measure of your ability to give the other person away to the world. And most of the time they come back to us. But there may be a tide that takes them away from us completely. Yeah. And that’s what we’re afraid of, is, is the change in the world that will break your heart. So the ability to understand that heartbreak is part of your sincere dedication to the other, actually, and the sincere dedication to our world at the same time.

Eric Zimmer 00:55:39  So listener and thinking about that and all the other great wisdom from today’s episode, if you were going to isolate just one top insight that you’re taking away, what would it be? Remember, little by little, a little becomes a lot. Change happens by us repeatedly taking positive action. And I want to give you a tip on that. And it’s to start small. It’s really important when we’re trying to implement new habits, to often start smaller than we think we need to, because what that does is it allows us to get victories. And victories are really important because we become more motivated when we’re feeling good about ourselves, and we become less motivated when we’re feeling bad about ourselves. So by starting small and making sure that you succeed, you build your motivation for further change down the road. If you’d like a step-by-step guide for how you can easily build new habits that feed your good wolf, go to Goodwolf.me/change and join the free masterclass. 

I think that is a beautiful place for us to wrap up. You and I are going to talk for a couple more minutes. In the post-show conversation. We may get into shame and guilt. We might get into injury. There’s so many good ones. Unordinary listeners, if you’d like access to that post-show conversation and all the other post-show conversations.

Eric Zimmer 00:56:54  AD free episodes. A special episode I do just for you each week. You can go to one you feed, join, and become part of our community and help support this show. David, thank you so much. It is always a pleasure to talk with you. I feel like I could do it for hours. Thank you.

David Whyte 00:57:10  Thank you Eric, that passed very quickly. Always a good sign. An experience of the timeless in the conversation. So thank you too.

Eric Zimmer 00:57:18  Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you found this conversation helpful, inspiring, or thought provoking, I’d love for you to share it with a friend. Sharing from one person to another is the lifeblood of what we do. We don’t have a big budget, and I’m certainly not a celebrity, but we have something even better. And that’s you just hit the share button on your podcast app, or send a quick text with the episode link to someone who might enjoy it. Your support means the world, and together we can spread wisdom one episode at a time.  Thank you for being part of the one You Feed community.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

Unlock Your Inner Anthem: A Tribute to Mike Peters

May 2, 2025 Leave a Comment

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This is a special episode from our archives with one of my favorite musicians, Mike Peters. Mike recently passed away, and this episode is more than a conversation, it’s a tribute to a beautiful soul. In our chat, we explored the idea of our lives being anthems; how defiance, hope, and inner strength were a soundtrack for the formative years, and later in life. This was an open hearted talk about what it means to fight not just with force, but with love. We talked about instinct as a spiritual guide, about staying true to yourself when the world tries to pull you off course. And about how music can be both a weapon and a healing balm in a world that often glorifies noise and speed. Mike’s life and his music were reminders that strength can come from stillness, from surrender, and from the simple act of standing up for light when everything around you feels dark.

Key Takeaways:

  • Mike’s experiences with cancer and resilience.
  • The founding and mission of the Love Hope Strength Foundation.
  • The significance of positivity and community support in overcoming adversity.
  • The impact of music as a source of strength and healing.
  • Reflections on the parable of two wolves and nurturing positive traits.
  • Early musical influences and the evolution of Peters’ career.
  • The deeper meaning behind the song “Strength” in relation to Mike’s health journey.
  • The inspiration and themes behind the song “Blaze of Glory.”
  • The role of spirituality and self-trust in navigating life’s challenges.
  • The communal aspect of music and its ability to foster connection and unity.


Mike Peters is a Welsh musician, best known as the lead singer of The Alarm. Between 2011 and 2013, Peters was the vocalist for Big Country as well as The Alarm. Mike was the founder of the Love Hope Strength Foundation, which has found close thousands of potentially life saving bone marrow donor matches; built the first ever children’s cancer center in Tanzania; supported the Bhaktapur Cancer Center in Nepal with life saving equipment and registered over 60,000 donors through it’s ‘Get On the List’ program.

Mike Peters:  Website | Instagram

If you enjoyed this conversation with Mike Peters, check out these other episodes:

The Journey of Life Through Song with Frank Turner

Mike Scott of the Waterboys

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Episode Transcript:

Mike Peters 00:00:00  When you take advice from someone else sometimes and you go along with it and you think it doesn’t feel right, you end up bang, there’s a crash at the end of the road.

Chris Forbes 00:00:16  Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have. Quotes like garbage in, garbage out or you are what you think ring true. And yet, for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking our actions matter. It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction. How they feed their good wolf.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:00  Mike Peters was one of my earliest musical heroes. In high school, I probably listened to his band, The Alarm more than any other.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:09  They’re anthems of defiance, hope and Inner Strength were a soundtrack for those formative years, and later in life, Mike became a hero to me in an even deeper way for how he faced 30 years of blood cancer with astonishing grace, how he kept making meaningful music, and how he gave his life to service through his foundation. Love, hope, strength. Sadly, Mike passed away yesterday, so today’s episode is more than a conversation. It’s a tribute to a beautiful soul. A few years ago, I had the great good fortune to sit down with him before a show he was doing in Akron, Ohio. What unfolded was an open hearted talk about what it means to fight not just with force, but with love. We talked about instinct as a spiritual guide, about staying true to yourself when the world tries to pull you off course. And about how music can be both a weapon and a healing balm in a world that often glorifies noise and speed, Mike’s life and his music were reminders that strength can come from stillness, from surrender, and from the simple act of standing up for light when everything around you feels dark.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:22  I’m deeply grateful to have had this conversation. I hope it brings you some of the strength that Mike brought to me in my life, and so many others. I’m Eric Zimmer and this is the one you feed. Hi, Mike, welcome to the show.

Mike Peters 00:02:35  Nice to be.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:36  Here. I am very excited to have you on. I was reading the other day. You were talking about meeting Bruce Springsteen, you know, and how you what it’s like when you meet somebody that you looked up to at a certain age. And so when I was 16, I was a huge fan of the alarm and have remained. So it’s a real honor to meet you and get to sit down and talk with you.

Mike Peters 00:02:54  Nice to meet you too.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:55  So our podcast is called The One You Feed, and it’s based on the parable of two wolves, where there’s a grandfather who’s talking with his grandson. He says, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:15  And the grandson stops, and he thinks about it for a second, and he looks up at his grandfather and he says, well, grandfather. Which one wins? And the grandfather says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your own life and in the work that you do.

Mike Peters 00:03:29  Well, well, straight off the top of my head, it means to, feed the positive side of your personality. And, which is something I’ve always tried to do throughout my whole musical life. And my life is an adult and a human being and, you know, raise my own kids in a good way. Treat the people I meet in the way I want to be treated myself. You know, even with an audience, when I go on stage, I always try to put myself in the audience and think, well, what do they want from the show tonight? And, and, and just try to have as much respect for the other people that, come into the journey that I’m on in life.

Mike Peters 00:04:10  And, and there’s times when we walk the path together, sometimes people go off on their own, and then they come back and, and let’s allow people to, always be at one with you as you are in step with people. Come in step. That’s great. They fall out of step. That’s just life. And once they come back into line again, then we just carry on. And I’ve never wanted to, have enemies in life. I don’t think I’ve got any enemies. And I’ve always tried to, treat people, with care and, and, and understanding and, you know, and there’s times when, life has forced people I know apart from me, and, and I always try to see everything from both sides of the story and so that you can heal any rifts that happen in, in life so that when life brings you back together, which it always does, either fatefully or, through, strategy, you can still have a relationship with people from your history, without ill will or rancor or bitterness.

Mike Peters 00:05:21  And, it’s all part of life’s rich pageant of understanding and learning and, and and that’s the wolf I try to feed.

Eric Zimmer 00:05:28  Excellent. So you you sort of emerged onto the music scene. You know, some of your songs refer to seeing the Sex Pistols, seeing The Clash being involved in that scene. And yet everything you know, from the very earliest alarm work, there’s a there’s a positivity that’s in your music that that just is expressed differently than a lot of that other music. There’s a there’s a defiance in your music, but there’s a, there’s a clear positivity. Where did that come from so early in your career?

Mike Peters 00:05:58  Well, I think, you know, I sometimes talk about it on the stage when I play in the spirit of 76, that that which was, you know, seeing the sex and the clash in that early 76, 77 period when punk broke into Britain. I saw both bands up close. In the earliest days, I saw the Sex Pistols in 76, in October 76th, and it was a life changing experience.

Mike Peters 00:06:22  And hearing Johnny Rotten sing anarchy Pretty Vacant Submission. I didn’t know they sounded amazing, right? But I didn’t know what the language meant, and no one taught me what anarchy was in my high school or submission. They were brand new words. I heard them for the first time from the mouth of Johnny Rotten. And I went up to him at the gig and asked him what anarchy in the UK meant, and he told me to f off.

Eric Zimmer 00:06:47  And that’s not surprising.

Mike Peters 00:06:49  No, it’s not, but he I think he was his way of just challenging me and Smashing the preconceptions and, almost like slapping you across the face to wake you up. Right. And so that was a big moment. And then and then I did see the clash in 1977 on the White Riot tour in the Electric Circus in Manchester. And I was, followed the tour down to Barbarella to see they were doing a sort of secret gig there, and they were supposed to play at, Birmingham Rag Market, and it got cancelled, but they turned up and I was and they were playing a secret gig in Barbarella, and I could see the amps going on.

Mike Peters 00:07:26  I knew they were going to come on, and I went to the bathroom, and I stood in the doing my thing in the toilet, and I ended up stood next to Joe Strummer and the whole of the clash. And I asked Joe Strummer on the way out what the riot was all about. And, because I didn’t quite fully understand it from just hearing the record, I thought I did in, you know, internally and viscerally, but I didn’t know what a white riot was. Us. And he said to me it was about the future. And, and he gave me something positive back. And I think so from having, the sort of polarization of the seeing the two bands, that was really it was like the Flint. You know, it was created, the fire that the alarm came from, the positive and the negative. And I always leant towards the positive. I always remember thinking, if I meet somebody who comes up to me in that way, looking for advice, looking for, a sign, a sign, then I’ll give them something positive back.

Mike Peters 00:08:26  And, so I wanted to put that into my music. I wanted it to be uplifting for people, liberating for them. If they came to see a gig, especially if they were, you know, young and naive like I was when I saw the pistols, I, I didn’t know how to become a punk. Right. There was no manual. I didn’t know how to get skintight black jeans. I had to find them and I didn’t know how to get certain records. You had to go on incredible journeys across Britain to get records, and there was no internet. It wasn’t brought to your doorstep. And when we came on tour in America, you know, we were I was from a small town. We had no Svengali upbringing, like the pistols that had the benefit of an older guy like Malcolm McLaren and and Vivienne Westwood to dress them and Jamie Reed to do their artwork. We had none of that. You know, The clash had Bernie Rhodes and he’d been involved in the pistols camp, and they were helping shape those bands and shape the way give them books to read, give them clothes to wear.

Mike Peters 00:09:20  Help them with their stance and the way. Educate them a little bit about when they spoke to the media. We had none of that. It was we were just four kids from Real North Wales. We wanted to be in a band and we learnt our lessons the hard way and so we wanted our politics. If you like to be personal and we wanted it to be, a message that the listener got that empowered them a little bit or made them ask questions to go and find their their own answers. And and again, we grew up in a very extreme political time in the 80s that was, you know, came down from the Iron Lady at Margaret Thatcher. And, you know, we were brought up in a very musically, aggressive time in the music papers in Britain. The enemy was very politicized. In the 80s. There was the miners strike and and they were closing steelworks down. And it was a tough time. And every band that that walked into the enemy offices, it was demanded that they had the political rhetoric to back up what they wanted to hear.

Mike Peters 00:10:26  and we we weren’t like that. We our politics were different to that. It was easy for me to write about the villains. They were all there on the newspaper every day. You could knock them down easily. But to write about somebody who was struggling to make something from nothing in the aftermath of the political turmoil, that that required a different sort of approach musically. And, And that was what I was interested in. And, and, you know, I think I’m lucky that there’s still people who come to see me play now who were at a gig in Omaha, Nebraska, who had their life changed by seeing the alarm in a positive way, or someone who comes back to me and say they were at the brink of doing something drastic with their life and and they put on a strength album as their last record before they were going to do something they would regret, and it pulled them back from the brink. And and to me, how having that those testimonies come to me through the internet now or through the Facebook or the alarm com that’s, that’s all I ever wanted from my music, was to touch people and, and be meaningful to them and have some value.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:32  Yep. And, so you are out now. We’re sitting in Akron, Ohio. You’re going to play here in a little bit. And you are, a big part of what you’re doing is the 30th anniversary of the the strength record. I was curious, looking back on that record now. And you’ve done some rerecording of it, what does the song strength mean to you today, 30 years after you wrote and recorded it the first time?

Speaker 4 00:12:03  Who would like to fire that you need to survive? Who will be the lifeblood coursing through my veins like a river flowing. That will never change. I need someone I can’t keep. Oh.

Mike Peters 00:12:40  Well, it means more to me than it ever did. Because the. In the opening lines, it says. Who will be the lifeblood coursing through my veins. Now, that was more of a metaphoric line when I was writing it in 1985, but it’s a literal line for me now, because I’ve had to live with cancer for 20 years. You know, I’m at the point in life where I might need to have a transplant and have somebody else’s lifeblood flowing through my veins.

Mike Peters 00:13:06  That’s a very real, step in life I might have to take at some point in the future. So, when I sing that song and particular that line, it always stops me dead every, every night, because it’s literally come through in my own life.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:23  Now, one of the things that you did is, as you, have battled cancer is you founded the love, strength and hope of hope.

Mike Peters 00:13:29  Strength.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:30  Love, hope. Strength. Thank you. Foundation that has done a lot of work for people with cancer. One of the things you’ve done has been registering a lot of people to be, as I understand, bone marrow donors. Will you be doing that at the show tonight?

Mike Peters 00:13:43  Yeah, we will be tonight. We always hosted donor registry All our gigs. Okay. And through the charity’s formation in 2007, we’ve been able to work with over 10,000 other recording working artists in the world from Robert Plant and the Foo Fighters, Enrique Iglesias, Frank Turner.

Eric Zimmer 00:14:01  Yeah, we had Frank on the show.

Eric Zimmer 00:14:03  Yeah.

Mike Peters 00:14:03  And, you know, we’ve worked with all Dropkick Murphys, all kinds of bands, right down to the alarm and thousands of bands, you know, that are just up and coming who embrace what we do, which is we try to turn rock concerts into life saving events by holding a donor booth at those gigs, getting people to sign up to the International Bone Marrow Donor Registry by giving a cheek swap, giving their information, personal information so we can track them in life if they’re lucky enough to be called to save the life of someone who has blood cancer, like leukemia, like I have, and we’ve signed over 100,000 people to the registry. And we’ve we’ve found close to 1800 potentially life saving matches for people. And and it’s become, you know, as much of my life’s work as the alarm and and, you know, but it’s a real communal effort. It’s run by volunteers. We haven’t got any staff. We’ve got no staff in Britain. It’s a completely voluntary, charity in the UK.

Mike Peters 00:15:05  But with America being so big and we’re working with so many bands every night, we’ve got staff to facilitate some of it. But we still rely on volunteers, and public donations to help fund what we do. We work in partnership with Elite Blood Cancer. They they’re an organization with a massive donor, registry. And we put the people we find our gigs through our get on the list campaign onto their registry. And so someone who signs up to the show tonight in Akron, Ohio, could become a lifesaver for someone in Britain or Germany or anywhere in the world, who matches their DNA profile. And our if you do become a life saving donor, it’s it’s just an outpatient procedure. 99% of the times, it’s a just giving blood in hospital. And it’s an in and out procedure in a day. And then your blood will then give someone life.

Eric Zimmer 00:15:57  Yeah, we’ll definitely put on the show notes to the page and all that links to the foundation and fantastic.

Mike Peters 00:16:02  Thanks.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:13  In the 2000, there were some new alarm work that came out. It was a little bit I loved the energy and the and the aggressiveness of some of it.

Eric Zimmer 00:18:20  One of them is a song called Situation is Under Control.

Speaker 5 00:18:28  Everything is black and white. As the roof sings all around me everything is upside down. There’s a cardboard box at my feet. I’m going through hell. And I can’t speak. I’m going through hell and I can’t breathe. Oh, the situation is under control. Everything is as it should be. But that’s acceptable.

Eric Zimmer 00:19:02  Can you tell me a little bit about what went into the writing of that song, and what was going on with you when you wrote it?

Mike Peters 00:19:07  Yeah, I think life was completely out of control when I wrote that song. I had not long been diagnosed with leukemia, and, I just made an album for the local under attack, and, I didn’t know really 100% why my instinct was telling me that was the album title, and we’d finished making the album. We’d recorded a video for every single song in 24 hours. It was an audio visual release as much as it was just about the songs we want people to see the music as well as hear it.

Mike Peters 00:19:42  And, and then all of a sudden now I was diagnosed with leukemia for a it was my second cancer diagnosis. I had lymphoma before that. And I was off the charts ill and, I didn’t know it. And I went into hospital with some symptoms and they wouldn’t let me home. They sent me immediately to another hospital for treatment to bring me out of the danger zone. The doctors didn’t know how to even walked in the hospital. My blood was so thick with what I thought was dead white blood at the time that it was like oil. It just wasn’t even moving. And so I was taken to hospital to get out of the critical, region I was in. And and while I was there, my wife brought my iPod in so I could have some music to play while I was going through these procedures, and, And I’d forgotten that I’d put this Under Attack album on while I was out and about listening to it randomly to get a sequence going for the record. And I was lying in hospital.

Mike Peters 00:20:38  I was having this pretty intense procedure called Luka paresis. And, I was kind of in a bit of shock at the time as well. And going under and my iPod was on and this track came on. I didn’t know what it was. And, and it had the title that came to the title and it said, I’ll never give Up without a fight. And I knew that was that was the alarm that was on new record. And, and, and then I realized then I was so ill, my subconscious was driving this record. And then situation under control was was part of a series of music we created. it was called counterattack. And it was like the opposite to Under Attack, where I’d written the record under the pressure of cancer coming into my life and taking over, I decided to write music. That was my counterattack to that was me fighting back against the cancer. And songs like Situation Under Control were really me writing music that gave me a mental arsenal to be able to fight cancer in my mind and fight it, psychologically as well as physically.

Mike Peters 00:21:47  And I think I’ve always believed that music is is a great tool to have whenever you’re facing any adversity in life. It’s, it can release you from some of the pressure. It can help you fortify yourself for that big day that’s coming up, or when you’ve got to face that situation that you’re nervous about. You can play that favorite piece of music, and it lifts you up, and it gives you that little bit of courage, to, to face the day and, and, and so the situation and the control and the counter-attack series of music was, was really my way of being able to put myself in in a position to stand up to cancer.

Eric Zimmer 00:22:29  You’ve battled cancer twice. you know, it’s you’re still battling it, right? That’s got to take a toll. You remain so outwardly positive. Where do you turn when you are really internally struggling? When you just, you know that that that optimism isn’t there? What do you turn to to give you the strength that you’re then able to project out in the music?

Mike Peters 00:22:49  I’m lucky to have a really solid life outside of rock and roll.

Mike Peters 00:22:53  You know? I’ve got a really strong relationship with my wife. She’s my best friend. We’ve been married for 28 years, you know, we met, we got engaged within a week and nothing has taught. We’ve been tested and tested all through life in that time. But nothing has ever taught us apart from each other. And we’ve got two beautiful boys that we’ve had to fight hard to get her to go through. My wife had to go through IVF to get my kids because of all the situations we’ve been in. She’s been to Kilimanjaro with me, helped building the cancer center in Dar es Salaam in Africa and suffered a DVT. Nearly lost a life on the way back from Africa. And we’ve both been through an incredible amount together and we fall back into each other when when we’re really, struggling to cope with with certain situations in life as they crop up. But, I always feel grateful for the life I’ve got because my music started out life as a hobby, and it still is a hobby for me.

Mike Peters 00:23:55  It’s still my passion. It’s still where I would go if I had a normal 9 to 5 job. I’d be playing in the garage at night, or setting up the gear at the weekend and ripping into a gig, because I love it. And that’s. And I’m very lucky that I can express myself within my passionate thing in life every day. And and I’m also grateful for the life I can come home to. And, and I’ve got people there who love me, who understand me, who stand up for me when the stones are getting thrown, you know, because that’s what happens. That’s what you put your head up, up the parapet in rock and roll. And it’s not always praise stones or get thrown as well. and, you know, you have to have a really good, fallback to be able to cope with that because it is hurtful at times, you know, and and you see it from people who love you the most musically. They can still want to tear you down and challenge everything you do.

Mike Peters 00:24:53  And you can’t please all the people all of the time. As the famous American quote goes. But, so you need that. And and when I close the door on rock and roll, when I come home and I see my boys and it’s the best thing in the world.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:09  How old are they now?

Mike Peters 00:25:10  My boys are eight and 11. Dylan and Evan, they’re into music. They play piano and drums and guitar. They’re brought up to see it as a hobby like I am. And they come to the shows with jewels and we’re very, very, very close.

Eric Zimmer 00:25:23  Wonderful.

Speaker 5 00:25:27  It’s funny how they shoot you down, but your hands are held up high and you open But that’s not enough for most. I remember this much. There is nothing. You should have. Because if you’ve got something to say and there’s no one to be scared, I’ll just get them out of the way. Going out in a blaze of glory. My heart is open wide. You can take anything that you want from me. There is nothing left to hide. Going out in a blaze of glory. My hands are held up high. I’m learning how to hit back. I’ve learned how to fight.

Eric Zimmer 00:26:16  Tell me about the song Blaze of Glory.

Mike Peters 00:26:18  Well, that was written. Really? When we first played with U2. It was on the water and we played with them in December 1982. just before New Year’s Day came out as a single and the album wasn’t due out till 83, and we played a momentous night with them in London and one of the songs that were new to their audience and them as a band was a song called Surrender. Now that was the the theme of war, I think. You know, Bono described it as like a, you know, slap in the face against pop music was his quote. But really it was it was seeing war as a different from a different perspective, seeing war from the through the color. Well, without the color, with the white flag, the war where people surrender to win.

Mike Peters 00:27:11  And and that was what Bono was putting across in that music. And I saw them ripped to pieces in the music press in Britain. And I think it was really it was only because I think people were envious of the fact that they were taking their music to America, and they were starting to help other bands. I think the British press thought it was their preserve to make or break bands, and all of a sudden a band like U2 came along and opened the door for unknown musicians like The Alarm to get to America for the first time, which we did. We came with them in 1983. No one had heard of us in America. We were almost unknown in Britain, and we had our first hit record in America because of the tour we did with U2. And you two were going on the radio and championing the alarm’s record, The Stand, and saying, don’t play New Year’s Day. Play the band that are opening for us tonight. Come and see them. They’re amazing. And and they were breaking us and they were creating their own power base.

Mike Peters 00:28:08  And the music press in Britain didn’t like it one bit. And they started trying to smash them and they tore them down, I could see and I had this image. I saw this image of Bono with his arms held high. Surrender on the war tour and I the line came into my head. It’s funny how they shoot you down when your hands are held up high, because up to that point you’ve been praised. And all of a sudden here they were, on the verge of breaking. And they were being torn apart. And it was so obvious to the world that you set them up. You knock them down. And it was it was such a cliche. And here’s the music press accusing bands like U2 being cliched when they were pulling out all the cliches in the book. There was no depth to the criticism of U2. It was just targeted at them. They would target their Christianity or target the the fact that was selling out, playing huge gigs and it wasn’t the same anymore. And there was no real balance to it.

Mike Peters 00:29:04  So that prompted the line. It’s funny how they shoot you down when your hands are held up high, but the song really became more than that. When the full lyrics came down and it was all, I think it’s all about really staying strong. Believe in yourself. You know, when I first went out as a punk rocker and real and ripped up my jacket and went out with safety pins. People want to tear you down because they’re scared of the way you look, but you. And it’s easy to back down to that kind of peer pressure. It’s easy to give in and think, oh, I’ll just go along with the flow of the river and I look like everyone else, and life will be easier. But life isn’t like that. You have to have courage to take those steps forward out of the crowd to to find your own inner self, find you the place where you belong in life. Because we’re all brought up in the image of our parents, and really, we’re all individual and we want to be ourselves.

Mike Peters 00:30:06  and some people, they give in to the peer pressure and, and they suppress who they really are. So we wanted our songs to liberate people, allow them to find their courage and be who you really want to be.

Eric Zimmer 00:30:19  Yeah. There’s a sense in a lot of your music, I’ll say this, a military sense in that there’s there’s a lot of marching you you put on the camouflage when you were battling cancer. there’s, there’s those sort of analogies, and yet there’s maybe the right word that you used is, is, you know, fighting war by surrendering. But I’ve always been sort of amazed how you’ve managed to weave those two things together in a really powerful way.

Mike Peters 00:30:42  Yeah. I don’t know how we’ve done it, really. it has always been there, and I don’t know why. I don’t know. I think we, for the first thing, I sort of got into where I remember seeing the who with medals on their jackets, and that was pop art. And I remember putting some medals on my jacket, and then I.

Mike Peters 00:31:03  And then I thought, I saw I got into the sort of seeing the 60s psychedelia thing, and people were those Red Guardsmen jacket, and that was sort of the start of I really look in the alarm of Western psychedelia look. but the term military got attached to us rather than pop art, psychedelia. And, and I think that there was that. I think our image didn’t help our music in some ways, because I think it threw up some conflicts that that people would read these lyrics and they wouldn’t kind of lie with the big hair or the over the top look that we had on stage, because we all adopted it. And it was it was very the front line of the band was it was all attack. It was all out bang. Yep. And the we didn’t have a John Entwistle like the who did that. We could be the polar opposite of. We had three guys flowing themselves around the stage, and there wasn’t the quiet member, you know, the who who amplified the power of the individual in the band.

Mike Peters 00:32:09  We we came across like four. Like a gang. Yeah. And and I think and we weren’t really a gang that I think when people met us, they could see that we were all quite different. But we did have this, gang mentality that came out of of the look of the band and the way we played on stage. And I don’t think that helped some of the the subtlety that was in the music in a way. which is, you know, as, as you go through life and you know that you make a record in the 80s. It stays. It stays in the 80s. But you write a song in the 80s, it lives beyond that. It comes alive in the 90s, comes alive again as you get older, in life. And that’s what interests me about the alarm’s music, not just what we made in the 80s, but what it continues to be today.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:02  Yeah, I’m really looking forward to seeing how you interpret that music this evening. What would you say is the lesson that’s taking you the longest to learn in life?

Mike Peters 00:33:10  To, keep my mouth shut? You know, I always have an I always have been brought up to be answer people politely.

Mike Peters 00:33:19  And if someone answers your question and you ask answered it back. And sometimes I should just stay quiet.

Eric Zimmer 00:33:25  Yeah. One of the things we talk about on the show a lot is, we talk about spirituality being this very nebulous thing. Does the word spiritual have any meaning to you, and if so, what? What does that word mean to you?

Mike Peters 00:33:38  I equate it with with with faith. Really? I mean, faith that that life’s going to work out the way you hope it is going to work out. And, you know, some people think in the short term and some people think in the long term. And I like to think I fall in the latter category. And so, I, I’ve always, trusted my instinct in life. And I think that’s sometimes gets confused with spirituality is I think instinct is a very powerful force. And it’s, and if you can learn to trust your instinct, then you won’t go far wrong in life. And, there’s so many outside forces who make us distrust ourselves.

Mike Peters 00:34:19  and and the way we think as individuals, that it’s easy to be sidestepped from your mission in life and your goals or what your your hopes are. Again, I think spirituality I think of as instinct, really. And, I, you know, I’ve tried always tried to follow my instinct and, and when I’ve really followed my instinct, it’s it’s never very rarely let me down, if ever. and when you take advice from someone else sometimes and you go along with it and you think it and you think it doesn’t feel right and you end up bang, there’s a crash at the end of the road and you think, why didn’t I trust? Why didn’t I trust myself?

Eric Zimmer 00:35:02  Yep. And, so last question. I think the song, We Are the Light, that’s sort of what I took from that. You know, we are the light of our lives. We’re our own light.

Mike Peters 00:35:10  I think so, yeah. That was written for declaration. It was written in, in London. It was a little folk song I put together in a major key. And, I think that’s what I was trying to get to. I didn’t understand spirituality or instinct so much. In 1981, when we moved to London, and 82, when that song was written.

Speaker 5 00:35:36  Who was standing on the corner? For he cannot see hope. There’s a blind man standing at the crossroads. For he cannot see light. Unless we find a candle. We must make sure they burn through the night. But if they should die. There’d be no light. We are the light. We are the light. We are the light of our life. We are the light. 

Mike Peters 00:36:25  Like when you play in concert and you see people really get hold of it and they’re all saying. We are. And you think, wow.

Mike Peters 00:36:33  That’s how come that’s taking hold? And you start asking a few questions yourself and thinking, what does it mean? Not just to me, but to others? And, and it was always the song that was it was like a little communion in the gig. It was the it was the moment, really, when the sound and the fury would come to an end.

Mike Peters 00:36:53  And our instinct as a band or my instinct as a as the singular band. But let’s not leave everyone right up there. Let’s just, let’s have a moment to calm it all down and and just celebrate in a really human way, this experience we’ve all had, where the audience have given everything to this band, they’ve jumped up on the stage, they’ve given physically, they’ve lost tons of weight.

Mike Peters 00:37:17  Jumping up and down to the band. They’ve sung along every word And I always remember saying to man, let’s get down to the front of the gig. Let’s leave the drums behind there. Let’s get one acoustic guitar. All gather around the microphone and we’ll sing this song with the audience, and we’ll just enjoy what we’ve all just been through. and, and I think that’s how it seemed to us that that we were creating a little bit of light for ourselves in the darkness. You know, we will again, as I say, in the early 80s, it was a very dark time in Britain politically.

Mike Peters 00:37:49  It was divisive. We saw all the politicians I saw. I always thought politics was supposed to be about bringing us together as a community and uniting people. And here they were doing the complete opposite and really polarising opinion. I think it was the first time, you know, in, in the war time that not, you know, wasn’t that only there was only a couple of decades before us politics brought everyone together. And then all of a sudden in in the 60s, we started to see that division come. And, and I think it really became massive in the 80s. And so I think we all felt like unsure of who we we were. He felt very difficult to have an opinion because everyone was telling you what to think. The government was telling you who to vote for. The NME was telling you who to get behind, and it was very hard to think for yourselves and and find that light in the of, of enlightenment that you need that. So we I think, thinking back to it now that they were the moments that really made the relationship, we have the audience strong, that little communal moment when we just all sang together, you know, sometimes we’d lose the power in a gig and we’d just jump in the middle of the audience, and it was always way other light, and we’d play that stood in the middle of the audience.

Mike Peters 00:39:10  And there was no amplification, no, there’s no stage lights, just complete darkness. And that I remember doing it in Hamburg and it was one of the most amazing special nights of all time and special moments, because it was taking us back to the simplicity of music. We love Woody Guthrie in the simplicity of, one person with one guitar singing in the street with a message.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:35  Wonderful. Well, thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me. It’s been a real pleasure.

Mike Peters 00:39:40  I look forward to hearing the podcast now.

Eric Zimmer 00:39:42  All right. Bye.

Mike Peters 00:39:43  Thank you.

Filed Under: Featured, Podcast Episode

Fluke or Fate? Embracing Uncertainty to Live a Fuller Life with Brian Klaas

April 29, 2025 Leave a Comment

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In this episode, Brian Klaas explains the concept of whether things are a fluke or fate, and explores how embracing uncertainty can lead to a living a fuller life. Brian makes the case how randomness and chaos might be exactly what make our lives matter so much and how we tend to worship at the “Altar of Progress in the Church of Control.” We make plans, set goals, and these are good things, but we only have so much control. And Brian teaches that accepting this can be a relief, because the point isn’t to control everything, but to influence what we can.

Key Takeaways:

  • The concept of happiness derived from intrinsic values rather than material possessions and social status.
  • The importance of thoughts and actions in shaping our lives and experiences.
  • Exploration of chaos theory and the unpredictability of life.
  • The idea that we control nothing but influence everything, emphasizing the ripple effects of our actions.
  • Personal stories illustrating how random events can profoundly impact lives.
  • The empowering nature of recognizing the influence of our choices.
  • The tension between control and acceptance of life’s randomness.
  • The critique of societal values that prioritize material success over personal fulfillment and relationships.
  • Encouragement to embrace individual uniqueness and create for personal expression rather than external validation.


Dr. Brian Klaas is an Associate Professor in Global Politics at University College London, an affiliate researcher at the University of Oxford, and a contributing writer for The Atlantic. He was recently named one of the 25 “Top Thinkers” globally by Prospect Magazine. Klaas is the author of five books, including Fluke: Chance, Chaos, and Why Everything We Do Matters (2024) and Corruptible: Who Gets Power and How It Changes Us (2021). Klaas writexs the popular The Garden of Forking Paths Substack and created the award-winning Power Corrupts podcast, which has been downloaded over three million times.

Connect with Brian Klaas:  Website | X

If you enjoyed this conversation with Brian Klaas, check out these other episodes:

What If You’re Wrong? How Uncertainty Makes Us More Human with William Egginton

How to Find Zest in Life with Dr. John Kaag

Unsafe Thinking with Jonah Sachs

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Episode Transcript:

Eric Zimmer 00:00:00  Hey, friends. Eric here with some exciting news. I’ve been writing a book and it’s about to be out in the world in April of 2026. The working title is how a Little Becomes a Lot, and it’s all about how small, consistent actions, the kind that we talk about all the time on this show can lead to real, meaningful change. Right now, the book is in the editing process, and there’s still some shaping to do, which is where you come in. I’d love your input on what to focus on, how to talk about the book, even what it should be called. If you’ve got a few minutes and a couple thoughts on what would make this book most helpful for you, I’d be really grateful to hear them. Just head to one You Feed survey. You’ll also get early updates, fun giveaways, and a behind the scenes look at what it actually takes to make a book. Editing marathons, title debates, existential spirals, and me questioning all of my life choices at 2 a.m. over one stubborn sentence again, that’s one UFI survey.

Eric Zimmer 00:01:04  Thank you so much for being part of this. Your feedback really means a lot to me, truly.

Brian Klass 00:01:10  Often have written about ideas around what I call the false gospel of stuff and status, where the road to happiness is paved with more stuff and higher status. I have not found that to be true. I find personally that there are things that I care about in the world that are intrinsically valuable to me, that other people might not find value in whatsoever, and chasing those things has made me much happier.

Chris Forbes 00:01:37  Welcome to the one you feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance of the thoughts we have. Quotes like garbage in, garbage out or you are what you think ring true. And yet, for many of us, our thoughts don’t strengthen or empower us. We tend toward negativity, self-pity, jealousy, or fear. We see what we don’t have instead of what we do. We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit. But it’s not just about thinking our actions matter.  It takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep themselves moving in the right direction. How they feed their good wolf.

Eric Zimmer 00:02:23  I’ve always hated the phrase everything happens for a reason. It’s tidy. It’s comforting. And to me, it feels completely out of step with the messy, painful, and often absurd reality of life. But after talking with today’s guest, Brian Klaus, I started to realize something. Just because life isn’t following a script doesn’t mean it’s meaningless. In fact, his new book, fluke, makes the case that randomness and chaos might be exactly what make our lives matter so much. We get into how we all continue to worship at the Altar of Progress in the Church of Control. We make plans, set goals, and these are good things, but we only have so much control. And Brian teaches that accepting this can be a relief, because the point isn’t to control everything, but to influence what we can. Brian also shares some wild stories, like how a cloud saved one city from an atomic bomb, and tells another. That hit me especially hard how a family tragedy led directly to his birth. Without that fluke, he wouldn’t be here and neither would this episode. I’m Eric Zimmer and this is the one you feed. 

Eric Zimmer 00:03:20  Hi, Brian, welcome to the show.

Brian Klass 00:03:34  Thanks for having me.

Eric Zimmer 00:03:35  I’m excited to talk to you. Your book is called Fluke Chance Chaos and Why everything we do Matters. But before we get into that, we’ll start like we always do with the parable. And in the parable, there’s a grandparent who’s talking with their grandchild, and they say, in life there are two wolves inside of us that are always at battle. One is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness and bravery and love. And the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed and hatred and fear. And the grandchild stops. They think about it for a second. They look up at their grandparent and they say, well, which one wins? And the grandparent says, the one you feed. So I’d like to start off by asking you what that parable means to you in your life and in the work that you do.

Brian Klass 00:04:20  Yeah. So I think the bad wolf is a response to a perceived lack of control. And I think a lot of the worst impulses that humans have are lashing out. When you feel afraid of what you don’t know is going to happen next to your life, or you fear those consequences and therefore lash out to try to assert control. And a lot of what I’m arguing is that you have to change your worldview to accept that lack of control, to embrace the influence you have over the world. And that gets you closer to being the good wolf that you want to be.

Eric Zimmer 00:04:52  All right. There’s no way for us not to just dive into the deep end of the pool, I think, with this material. So let’s just go. There. You’ve got a phrase in the book we control nothing but influence everything. What do you mean by that?

Brian Klass 00:05:05  Yeah. So it’s riffing off a statement from the social scientist Scott Page. And what I think is the key takeaway here is that the world is an incredibly complex, uncontrollable entity.

Brian Klass 00:05:17  Right? There’s 8 billion interacting people. And all of those people influence our lives in small ways or in big ways, right? Some more than others. But it’s constantly changing. And the ability of any one person to control the world is minuscule. We simply don’t have that ability. And I think a lot of the misery that people have in modern life is that they keep trying to assert control over an uncontrollable world. And what I’m arguing is I’m taking the scientific concept of chaos theory, which we’ll dive, I’m sure, into more details, but it’s taking that notion of chaos theory and saying that even in a world where you don’t have control, small changes can have big effects, which means that your influence over the future of the universe and the future of your life is profound. And so it’s changing the framework from one of control to one of influence. And the influence framework is both correct. And also, I think, much more liberating and uplifting for us to navigate.

Eric Zimmer 00:06:12  Wonderful. All right.

Eric Zimmer 00:06:13  We’re going to go into that more because I think a lot about these ideas of control and influence and what’s out of our control. But I first want to start with a story. Maybe you could tell us about a mass murder that happened in Minnesota, I believe, some time ago.

Brian Klass 00:06:30  Yeah. So this is a story. It’s actually from Wisconsin, next door to Minnesota in 1905, and it’s the story of a woman named Clara, Madelyn Jansen, who has four children in a very short period of time for young kids. And by 1905, I think the oldest was five years old. And so she has a mental breakdown at some point. We don’t know exactly what happened, but she she snaps Apps and decides, in a moment of sort of tragic madness, to take the lives of those four children herself and then to take her own life. And she was alone at the house, but her husband came home and discovered this horrific tragedy. Probably the worst thing that a human being can experience seeing their entire family wiped out.

Brian Klass 00:07:10  And the reason that I talk about this, and I mentioned it early on in fluke, is because when I was 20 years old, my dad sat me down and told me this story about the man who came home, who was my great grandfather, and the woman who killed all of those kids and took her own life was his first wife. He remarried after the trauma subsided a bit about ten years later, to the woman that was my great grandmother. And so the first thing that I reacted to that story with was obviously shock, right? I mean, it’s just an unbelievably bizarre and terrible thing to learn about your family. But then the second thing that really hits you over the head is that your existence is completely predicated on this story, that if those kids didn’t die, I wouldn’t exist because the lineage would be different and it would not have led to me. Right. Right. And so this is the stuff where when you start to think about that, I think about how my existence is predicated on this horrible tragedy.

Brian Klass 00:08:03  But then I also say to everyone that I meet, right, that every conversation I have is also predicated on this mass tragedy, every podcast interview. People listening to this wouldn’t listen to it if those kids hadn’t died. So it really affected my worldview about how the tiniest things and the distant past even can really change the trajectory of our lives, even when we’re oblivious to them.

Eric Zimmer 00:08:24  It’s tremendously disconcerting to see this, right? Let’s stay with the stories for a minute, because I think the stories illustrate this point better than any other. Why don’t you tell us about Japan?

Brian Klass 00:08:36  Yeah. So this is a story from a little bit after the mass murder I talked about. This is from 1926 and 1926. There’s an American couple that decides to go on a vacation, and they end up in Kyoto, Japan, and they fall in love with the city. It’s one of the most charming cities in Japan, and they sort of get a soft spot for it the way that many people do when they go on holiday somewhere.

Brian Klass 00:09:00  And, you know, it’s the kind of banal story that is very, very commonplace in normal life. Except for 19 years after this vacation took place, the husband and the couple turned out to be America’s secretary of war. At the tail end of World War Two, a man named Henry Stimson. And so he ended up by happenstance, being in a very consequential place when they were deciding where to drop the first atomic bomb. And the target committee, which was a group of generals and scientists, picked Kyoto as their top location to destroy with the first atomic bomb at the tail end of World War two. And Stimson, largely because of his previous personal experience with his wife in 1926, twice met with President Truman and convinced him to take Kyoto off the bombing list, and so the first bomb was dropped on Hiroshima instead of Kyoto. And the second bomb was supposed to go to a place called Kokura, which many people have not heard of because it was not bombed. And the reason it was not bombed was simply out of luck, which happened because there was a brief bit of haze or cloud cover over the bombing site when the B-29 arrived, and so it diverted to the secondary target of Nagasaki.

Brian Klass 00:10:10  And so this is a story of an estimated 180 to 200,000 people dying in two cities, rather than a different two cities, because of a vacation that happened 19 years earlier, and a cloud that was just at the right place at the right time. And so, you know, when we think about why things happen, we never think about these tiny details. We think about the big explanations, and we don’t think about certainly things that happened 19 years earlier. And the point that I try to make to people is that Henry Stimson had no idea he was changing the world. The people of Hiroshima had no idea that their fate hung in the balance over this vacation destination. But it did. And that’s the way that that sort of everything we do matters. Aspect of chaos theory is tied to influence. That every choice we make has ripple effects that we cannot foresee.

Eric Zimmer 00:10:54  So I think the takeaway here is your city’s tourism board is really, really important, right? Like when people come to your city, they need to like it.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:03  Right.

Brian Klass 00:11:04  I guess the flip side of that is if he really hated it, he probably would have loved to bomb the city.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:08  So again, this is a really disconcerting idea.

Brian Klass 00:11:11  You know, it’s funny. So almost everyone has that reaction to it. And I’ve never had that reaction. And I.

Eric Zimmer 00:11:16  Think never.

Brian Klass 00:11:16  I think the reason why I don’t have that reaction is because I think that the lie of control is one that constantly makes us disappointed, right? This this notion that we can just tame the world every single moment of our lives. We get evidence that we can’t. Right? Things happen to us, and they’re not always the things that we want to happen to us. Now, I think that the idea that every vacation choice you make, every conversation you have, every time you turn left rather than right, is reshaping the future of the world in ways that are small or big, and that you might not know. I think that’s the most exciting and uplifting idea I’ve ever come across, because it means that there is no throwaway moment to life, right? And so I swapped out when I was starting to do the research for this and starting to change my philosophy of life and researching the book, I started to swap out what I thought was a really empty and constantly disappointing framework of understanding the world, for one that is, on the face of it, really disconcerting because everything has influence, right? But also, in my view, really empowering and uplifting because there’s not a moment that we can just say is meaningless.  Personally, I find that latter viewpoint much, much more empowering than than the sort of false gospel of control.

Eric Zimmer 00:12:29  Well, I am not a believer in the false gospel of control, and this idea that every moment matters is empowering, except when it becomes overwhelming or frightening. Because it’s one thing to think every moment matters. Because I’m sort of shaping my destiny. And I can think about the fact that, like today, if I go to the gym, it’s probably more likely I’ll go to the gym tomorrow, which makes it probably more likely that I’ll be healthy in ten years. And I’m using the word probably here on all of these things. And so that my actions, I’m directing them in a certain direction with the belief they’re going to go a certain way, versus the idea that I have no idea what filling up my water bottle at home instead of here at the studio today is going like, what impact is that going to have on the world? And I think there are people who are anxious already who are thinking that everything they do is so important.

Eric Zimmer 00:13:26  And I think what you’re saying is just let all that go. So how does somebody who still wants to influence the world in a positive way change their life in a positive way? How do we work with these ideas of influence and control? This is like a nine part question. The last thing I’ll say is when we think about controlling nothing. The obvious question is, did I not control what shirt I put on today? So I’ll hand it over to you.

Brian Klass 00:13:53  Yeah. So, you know, I think there’s a few things that I would say to that. The first is that, yes, it is overwhelming. If you think about every choice and, you know, it could be paralyzing, right. The idea that any action you make is going to have an effect on reshaping your life, which I think is true. Yes. But if you have never come across that idea before, it can be very paralyzing. So there’s a few things that I tried to tell people. The first one is that you have to still think probabilistically.

Brian Klass 00:14:19  So what I mean by that is it is possible that if I went out and planted a tree tomorrow, that in 100 years a child could climb that tree and fall out of it and die? And I would have been part of that story. Right? Now, that does not mean I shouldn’t plant the tree, because most of the time planting trees is good, right? So it’s the same thing. Like, I could step into traffic and it could be an epiphany for me where I have a near-death experience that reshapes my life. But I’m not going to do that because most of the time you die, right? Yes, yes. So I still make choices in a way that is based on what mostly happens. But I also recognize that there is something liberating about accepting the limits of my control. So for me personally, I have become less anxious over time, especially since writing this book. And it’s I had not like anxiety in a clinical sense, but sometimes I worried about stuff a little bit more.

Brian Klass 00:15:09  I sweated the details a little bit more, and the way I feel now is I just sort of feel like there’s things that I can influence more directly, things that I can’t influence more directly. And you have to just sort of accept some of that limit and enjoy the ride. And that’s sort of, you know, the ethos of my life in a way, is, you know, I might get cancer tomorrow. I really hope I don’t. Yeah. But, you know, you sort of have to embrace that sense of enjoying the ride that you do have because you only have one. Right? Yeah. It’s something that you have to really grapple with. And I think some people I talk to really struggle with these concepts. And I’d like to sort of just pretend that you have certain aspects of life that are noise. But, you know, the interconnected nature of our lives is also really, really important. And even when you say the control aspect. So yes, you control what shirt you wear.

Brian Klass 00:15:53  You don’t control how somebody responds to it. Right? And like, how many times do relationships start because someone notices an item of clothing and then they say something nice to you, and then you either have a friendship or they becomes your partner. I mean, like all of these things where if you’d worn a different shirt. Yes. You know, this never happens. And so even in those details, yes, we control the little things where we can make choices and have agency and so on. But our lives are, you know, a symphony of 8 billion people, and some of them are much more important players in that orchestra. Right? Like, it’s clearly the case that the people around you in closer proximity matter more. But on the other hand, all of us were affected by a pandemic that started by one person getting sick in China, right? So, you know, that aspect of sort of the short term influence being more close to you, more visible, more seeming like the illusion of control.

Brian Klass 00:16:43  And then all of a sudden, our lives are upended by something that happens thousands of miles away with someone we’ll never meet. On a microscopic level of a virus. That aspect of life is the push and pull, where we get the glimpses of how little control I think we actually have.

Eric Zimmer 00:16:56  A couple thoughts on that. One is I often think of this stuff in terms of two games. One is the lottery. Like whether I get cancer between now and the end of my life is, to some degree a lottery by trying to do all the things that we know, that we think make you less likely to get cancer, to me, is like just buying more lottery tickets. The other game that I like to think about is backgammon. Backgammon is an interesting game because there is a certain amount of skill, but there’s also a tremendous amount of luck, like the dice roll. And if somebody rolls all good things, they will beat someone who’s far more skilled than them in backgammon, because they just will.

Eric Zimmer 00:17:37  And I think that is a model for me. That always makes sense. Like there’s an element of this that I can do something about and I should do that. I love your idea of thinking in probability, and there’s so much that I can’t control, and it brings to truth more clearly, the old Hindu idea of Arjuna and Krishna, where you’re just encouraged to do your best and let go of the results because you just don’t control those.

Brian Klass 00:18:04  Yeah. You know, the two things that come to mind, I think your analogies are excellent in terms of these different games, but the two things that come to mind to this. The first one is when I think about the most important things that have affected the trajectory of my life in the grand scheme of it. Right. And I think I controlled exactly zero of them. So I think this is what time period I was born in my life would be much shorter if I was born 100,000 years ago, right? Much worse. Also if I was born 200 years ago.

Brian Klass 00:18:30  Yeah. Also who my parents were. And you have issues of how my brain works, right? If I don’t have, I have a mental illness or anything like that, that would constrain me and also where I was born. So one of the places that I do some research in, for example, is Madagascar, where the average person lives on less than $500 a year. And I think to myself, if I was born in that society, I don’t care how skilled I am, I don’t care how great my parents are. I am in a rough position. I’m not going to be on this podcast, right? I’m still going to be in rural Madagascar, probably without electricity. So the things that I think have most affected my life trajectory, none of them were things that I had any influence over. So that humbles us in a way that I think gives you the freedom to take less credit for your success, but also less blame for your failure. And to me, that’s a much healthier way to live, right? I haven’t really sort of fleshed this out, and I didn’t talk about this in fluke, but the more I’ve thought about the ideas in the book, the more I think that we live in the most luck prone era in all of history.

Brian Klass 00:19:29  And the reason I say that is because if you take somebody who lives in complete isolation, right? So a hermit in the woods, luck has way less of an influence on their life because they’re completely independent from the rest of society, right? Like, maybe there’s some luck with what foraging they get up to or whatever. But like basically other people have a much lower influence on that person. If you take the modern world, in which it’s the most interconnected system that’s ever existed, where economics, politics, public health, all these things are affected by these massive numbers of people, and we have limited control over them. I think our lives are swayed by things we don’t control more now than ever before, precisely because of that interconnection. Right. And the logical conclusion of that is that we have less control over things that we did in the past, but more influence, because the ripple effects of our lives are much greater than that. Hermit. Right. The hermit might still have some influence, but it’s going to be probably smaller and probably less immediate if they truly are alone.

Brian Klass 00:20:30  Whereas, you know, you can really make an impact on the world as a single person today because the ripple effects can go global very, very quickly. I mean, whether it’s a social media post, a pandemic or just, you know, starting a movement, whatever it is, all these things are possible in ways that simply were not possible even 500 or 50 years ago. And so I think that the analogies you’re using, they’ve dialed up the luck scale, which comes with the influence factor.

Eric Zimmer 00:21:13  You’ve got some great lines in the book, like motivational posters tell you that if you set your mind to it, you can change the world. I’ve got some good news for you. You already have. Congratulations. Or you matter. That’s not self-help advice. It’s scientific truth, right? These ideas that everything happens. And I talk about this a fair amount that like we do a lot of things I think that put good out into the world and we never get to see it. Like it ripples in ways that we just don’t know.

Eric Zimmer 00:21:42  And I tell this story about somebody who went through one of my programs because I just love this little story. So this person heard a lesson I did on generosity. So they were at their local supermarket. They were in their normal line. There’s a woman who is the checkout girl. She never smiles. She always seems unhappy. And this woman goes up to her and says, hey, I always get in your line because you just get everybody through it so much faster. And this woman just lights up like a Christmas tree, right? And then she says, oh, well, would you tell my boss that? And so this woman goes and tells your boss, and the boss is like, that’s so great to hear. I’ve been trying to decide who’s going to be employee of the month. I’ll do that. It gives her a bonus. Now the boss is happy. The woman is happy. You imagine her going home to her family. All this stuff, these ripples that go, go, go, go. That example allows us to see the first couple of them, but so often we just don’t see any of them. But they’re there.

Brian Klass 00:22:33  Yeah, the two things. Well, there’s one of them is a story from the book. So there’s an amazing story that I came across, and I was like, this just illustrates this so perfectly, where a man went out to sea off the coast of Greece and he was swimming and, he got sucked out by a riptide. And so for 24 hours he was missing. And, you know, the overwhelming majority of times that people go missing in the ocean for 24 hours, the outcome is very, very bad. Right. And this guy, as he was about to drown a soccer ball, popped into view on the surface of the waves and he clung on to it. It’s still an acronym, and he was able to use it to float and survive. And so already this was one of these stories of like, wow, this, this amazing thing happened.

Brian Klass 00:23:11  The soccer ball arrived just the right time. But as they were covering this on the Greek news, this woman was watching it. And I sort of like to imagine her dropping her coffee or whatever, you know, when she sees this report. But the reason she was astonished by this is because she recognized the soccer ball and her kid had kicked it off a cliff ten days earlier, 80 miles away, and they had thought absolutely nothing of this because this happens every so often. You know, you lose a ball, it’s fine. They went out and bought another one. But it turned out that on the waves, it drifted at just the right moment and saved this guy’s life. Right. And so, like, these are the kinds of things where when people see this story, often what the takeaway they take is. What an amazing coincidence. Right. My takeaway is that is how the world is working 100% of the time. You just don’t know. And every so often you get these glimpses like this person did, where it’s just so obvious and it pulls back that illusion of control.

Brian Klass 00:24:04  The other very flippant thing that I sometimes say is, can you name Albert Einstein’s great grandmother? And everyone says, no, of course not. And I said, well, she didn’t realize she was very important, but she was, because if she didn’t exist, Albert Einstein doesn’t exist. Right. Right. So I think there’s this aspect where every individual matters. They might not know that they matter in the short run. They might not know they matter in the long run. But if it’s not you, it’s someone else. And that changes the universe in some way. Sometimes good and sometimes bad. But the idea of meaninglessness, which I think a lot of people feel in the 21st century, is, in my view, scientifically, nonsense. It’s just not. It’s not true.

Eric Zimmer 00:24:41  Yeah. You’re coming at this from sort of the scientific angle. A lot of things that I bring in are coming from more of a spiritual tradition angle. And if you look at Buddhism and even Taoism, which predates Buddhism, this idea is just baked in, right? This idea of Thich Naht Han called it inner being.

Eric Zimmer 00:24:59  And, you know, the classic story he tells is, you know, in this piece of paper I have here is also the sun and the rain and the clouds and the person who cut down the tree, and the person who made the lunch of the person who cut down the tree. I mean, I could go on and on. I don’t need to, but that all of that is right here. And to your point, that’s the universe all the time. There’s a line from someone who studies the Dao that I love, which is that basically life is consumatory relatedness, right? That’s all it is. It’s countless causes and conditions that we can’t even begin to imagine that have come together to create this moment. And what you’re pointing us at is that if you can let go into that, then you’re part of sort of a sparkling, mysterious, amazing thing.

Brian Klass 00:25:52  It’s funny because I think for a long time and, you know, without going too much in the weeds of the history of science, the Scientific Revolution had a very simple assessment of how things happened.

Brian Klass 00:26:03  Right? And it seemed like we could tame the world if we just got the right equation, sort of the Isaac Newton sort of idea. What I’m dabbling with is ideas of chaos theory and what are called complex systems, which actually are much more, I think, amenable to ideas that underpin a lot of the religions you’re talking about in eastern philosophy. Right? Yeah. And that’s because the central idea in complex systems is interconnectedness. It’s that one change in one part of the system affects another part of the system, which is very much at home in a lot of eastern philosophy. There are some, you know, more top down Western ideas in religion, especially when you overlay it on individualistic culture like the United States has in spades, which give you this idea of what I call the illusion of control, that if you just if you just do things to sort of bludgeon the world the way you want it to be, then you will eventually create the outcome you want. And I think a lot of the philosophical ideas that underpin things like Daoism are talking about the interconnectedness of literally everything.

Brian Klass 00:27:04  I mean, one of the problems is that when you start saying these sorts of words in traditional scientific communities, you sound like, you know, sort of a mystical figure. I think what you’re just trying to do is say, like, how do we apply these ideas in a context? From my perspective as an academic, where we can test them or sort of theorize about them. But it’s not a million miles away from the philosophical underpinnings of religions, certain religions. And so I think to me it’s also obvious, right? Like, I don’t think it is possible to truly believe that we are individuals who have control over the world. That idea does not make sense to me when you scrutinize it for more than a second. So. Right. Yeah. So I’m very amenable to the ideas you’re talking.

Eric Zimmer 00:27:42  About just on Substack. This morning there was a article by a psychologist, Paul Bloom, which was about another article by a psychologist, Michael Intellect. And the basic idea was you could perform some of these studies in a laboratory, but that doesn’t mean they translate in any way, shape or form out into the world itself.

Eric Zimmer 00:28:03  And it’s not that doing some of these things in the laboratory is always a waste of time. That’s not it. Because I think science moves forward in two ways, right? It moves forward often by isolating something, reducing it down, figuring out how this little thing works. And that can be valuable. And it only becomes more useful when you realize how that thing fits into a bigger System that, as you’re pointing out, is hopelessly complex.

Brian Klass 00:28:30  One of the hallmarks of science is replicability, right? That if you do the same experiment twice, it will produce the same results. And I think the problem when you get into a complex system is that is not always true, right? If Henry Stimson went on vacation to Osaka, Japan, that would not necessarily lead to the deaths of 100,000 people in one city versus another. If the timing had even been slightly different, if he was appointed the Secretary of War six months later, he would not have played this role right. So you can’t say that if we just replay this exact same sort of scenario, but we only change 1 or 2 things that it will play out in the same way.

Brian Klass 00:29:07  The idea of chaos theory is that if anything is even a tiny bit different, it can play a very, very big role. And so when I think about these concepts about how they fit in with science, the lab is not as interconnected, not as complex. Right. It’s deliberately designed to avoid all of those things that many people treat as noise. But actually, I argue, noise often is the stuff that dictates outcomes, right? These tiny little details of a split second change, or all of us have experienced this in our lives. I think at some point where you have these moments where you sort of realize, oh, if I had just done that one thing, none of this would have happened. And of course, the crucial point is not that you dwell on that specific decision. It’s that you’re aware that that is happening all the time and you’re just oblivious to it. Right. That’s the much more profound idea that I think chaos theory tries to convey in a scientific literature, but actually it applies a lot to humanity as well.

Eric Zimmer 00:30:05  When you were talking, I just had an insight or a thought that I’ve never had. I doubt that it’s new. New to the world. You’ve probably thought of it as you call yourself a disillusioned social scientist, is that if you try and replicate a psychological experiment, say, 3 or 4 years later, the whole culture and thought process of how people view psychology could be really different by then. And so there’s so many things that have changed in the broader world and about how people view the world, that of course, those things may come out differently.

Brian Klass 00:30:36  Yeah. And that is why it’s important. When they do replication studies in psychology, it’s important to have large numbers of people and also to do them repeatedly because the most solid findings do stay the same. Right. And there are there are some very solid findings that you can take 500 people in this place or that place. You do the same study. They have the same reaction, right? There’s a lot of psychology, literature, and I would argue a lot of social science literature where it’s not done that way, and it’s relatively small numbers of people relatively contingent on the context.

Brian Klass 00:31:06  And then we conclude that it is a big finding. And so the reason I’m a disillusioned social scientist is because I think there are some of these findings we have, which if you did repeat them and you did take into account context, you might find something different. And so it’s not to say that we shouldn’t do the research. It’s just to say that you have to be so careful about context and all those other parameters that might change.

Eric Zimmer 00:31:30  Yeah. It’s interesting, as a person who has done a lot of one on one coaching with people and run programs, part of my job is to help people make the changes in their lives they want to make. And early on in that. I thought, oh, okay, I just teach them x, y, Z, have them do A, B and C, and they’re on their way. And I quickly realized like, okay, that that clearly doesn’t work because people are so different. You just can’t apply the same thing to everybody and think it’s going to come out the same way.

Eric Zimmer 00:31:59  And that humility is, is important to recognize that there are things we can say probabilistically. I’m going to give you a better chance of this or that, but everybody’s different. And I’ve often said that one of the mysteries that haunts me, I’m a recovering heroin addict is why some of us get sober and others don’t. And I look for a reason or reasons. And after I read your book. Part of me just relaxed a little bit and went, maybe there’s not. I mean, it’s not to say that there aren’t any reasons or there aren’t contributing factors, but that in an individual case there just may be no answer. Like, you just never know. It’s not like if I got to talk to God, he would be like, oh, it’s because x, y, z a right? You’d have to unravel the entire universe.

Brian Klass 00:32:45  Yeah. You know, for me, that’s one of those areas where, again, I find it quite liberating because I think that sometimes people who have bad things happen to them.

Brian Klass 00:32:54  Sometimes it is comforting to try to come up with a reason. Yeah. But other times there is no reason. And the search for it is crippling because it’s just not going to. It’s not going to exist, right? Right. So I’ll tell the short version of the story. But basically, one of the people who I had the pleasure of meeting after I published the book and wrote about him a little bit, was a man who went to New York City for a conference, and he was delayed in his flight, and his coworker was supposed to meet him for dinner, and they ended up meeting for breakfast the next morning because he had gotten in so late, and she provided him with a gift that was a monet tie. So it’s a tie with a painting of a monet, and she knew that he loved this. So it was just a nice gesture from a colleague, right? And he decides that he’s so touched by this gesture of kindness that he’s going to go back to his hotel room, change his shirt so he can wear the Monet tie with something that isn’t hideously clashing.

Brian Klass 00:33:47  And so she goes up to the conference, and he goes to the hotel room to iron the shirt, and while he’s ironing the shirt, he sees out the window as the first plane hits the World Trade Center in New York. Right. Because the conference is in New York City and this is it’s held on like the 100th floor. And so in this moment, she dies as a result of this, and he survives because of this tie and changing his shirt. And, you know, I had written about this. I knew his story. He’d spoken a little bit about it publicly, but when I met him, the most profound thing he said to me was that the crippling guilt of survivor’s guilt that happened afterwards, which really upset him and affected his life in a very big way for a couple of years was because everybody said the same thing. Everything happens for a reason. And he said the burden that put it on him, that his co-worker Elaine was supposed to die and he was supposed to live was so crushing, right.

Brian Klass 00:34:37  It really upset his life. Whereas if you just say, look, you know, she was in the wrong place at the wrong time, she did something nice for you and you survived by an accident. That in a way, you know, was liberating for him. And so I think to me, it’s one of those aspects I haven’t had, you know, such a close call with death like that. But I think for many people, they get that that sense of the constant search for explanations and reasons can really, really derail your life. And accepting that you are in some ways just an accident, the way I feel very much to be an accident because I’m derived from a mass murder. To me it takes a weight off my shoulders. You know, accidental things happen, arbitrary things happen. And that’s why I say, you know, the enjoying the ride mentality is, is sort of the best and most liberating way you can deal with that.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:23  That’s an incredible story. I was able to tell after like, talking to you for like two minutes, that you indeed had a mass murder in your family.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:31  It’s just in your personality, I think. I just I just kind of saw it.

Brian Klass 00:35:36  It’s funny you say that because, like, bizarrely, my my grandpa, who, you know, was more directly affected than this because it was his dad that found out the, you know, found the family. He had a very dark line where he said, you know, that branch of the family tree severed itself. So we’re not related to it?

Eric Zimmer 00:35:51  To that? Yeah.

Brian Klass 00:35:52  So, yeah, mass murderer gene would not have been passed.

Eric Zimmer 00:35:54  Down, not have been passed down.

Brian Klass 00:35:56  Yeah. The trauma that he experienced, I’m sure was horrific. So.

Speaker 4 00:35:59  Yeah.

Eric Zimmer 00:36:25  This everything happens for a reason thing always kind of drives me crazy too, because I don’t know people who have that belief I’m actually often jealous of because they seem to have a comfort in things. If I could believe it, I think I might, but I can’t, right? So I have no choice but to sort of operate on the other.

Eric Zimmer 00:36:42  What I think is interesting about this, there’s a companion phrase to Everything Happens for a reason, which is that everything happens for the best or something like that. Right? And I think that is also nonsense. I think you can invert that phrase, though, and get something useful out of it, which is that you can make the best out of everything that happens. Yeah, I don’t think it’s that the thing that happened has meaning in and of itself, but you can make it meaningful with how you choose to respond. I don’t know that me being, you know, a homeless heroin addict at 24 will ever. We don’t know why. There’s no there’s no real thing there. And I don’t believe it happened for a reason. Like I was appointed to some higher purpose. But I do believe that I was presented an opportunity in which I was able to give that thing meaning by what I did in an ongoing way. And I think that’s the more actually compassionate view of suffering, because as soon as everything happens for a reason, you reference the secret in the book.

Eric Zimmer 00:37:40  Which drives me crazy, because if you follow that thing to its end, everything happens for a reason. You have to come to terms with the fact that as you and I are talking right now, like some child is being hideously abused for a reason and the child somehow attracted that to themselves, I find to be sort of morally repugnant.

Brian Klass 00:38:01  I agree with this completely, and I think that my issue is also that it breeds complacency around questions of justice. Because if you look at something that’s a gross injustice, you can just say everything happens for a reason. If you say that some things are the culmination of an arbitrary set of forces, or that some people are inflicting harm on a child, and we need to stop that. Then those things don’t have some sort of grand moral arc to them, and they require action, right? That you need to save the child. One of the most interesting interviews I did around the ideas that I was grappling with in writing the book, was actually with a Christian podcast that I was talking to a person who’s a very devout Christian, and I’m personally not religious, but what was striking about this was that he was actually much more okay with some of the ideas I had said, because his idea of providence, in which everything does happen for a reason, because in his view, God was dictating things, meant that he would never know the reason.

Brian Klass 00:38:57  Right? And because it was completely unknown to him, he sort of just said, I have to just try to do my best in life, you know? And I was thinking to myself, like, okay, I have a very different philosophical framework from this person, but I’m thinking from chaos theory that due to the fact that these tiny little tweaks in life can culminate in really big changes over time. I will never know or understand some of the reasons why things happen to me. I also feel like I should just try to do the best in life because I don’t have control. And so there’s a weird sort of horseshoe, right where the origin for me is the Big Bang in physics. That’s where I’m thinking about the sort of framework of of how these things work. For him, it was a sort of divine presence dictating everything in the universe. But the acceptance of a lack of control ended up with us at the same point. Right. Yeah. And so this is where, again, you both operate probabilistically.

Brian Klass 00:39:48  You don’t know what the right strategy is necessarily going to be. Even if you think God is testing you. So you just try to do the thing that you think is best. And that’s what I do. I try to do the thing that I think would be best, and that I hope the ripple effects of my life play out in a good way, as opposed to a catastrophically bad way. But I will never know. And that’s the interesting aspect of accepting the limits of control. I think that can exist in multiple worldviews.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:12  Yeah, that’s absolutely fascinating that this person arrives at the same place, which is I, I believe it’s all happening for a reason, but I can’t know the reason. You describe this a couple of different ways in the book, sort of religiously, which I love. You say this makes us devoted disciples of the cult of because or we worship at the altar of progress in the Church of Control. Those are great examples of how that world view is almost religious in its belief.

Eric Zimmer 00:40:38  Say a little bit more about that.

Brian Klass 00:40:40  Yeah. You know, I mean, I grew up in the United States, and I think the United States has a very strong sense. And in some ways this has probably helped American economic growth and so on. But it has a very strong sense that you are the master of your own destiny. Right. The sort of pulling yourself up by the bootstraps, this sort of aspect of if you work hard, you’ll you’ll get what you deserve and so on. And so as a result of that, you know, I was really hit over the head, I think, with messages that if anything bad happened in my life, it was my fault because I am the master of my own destiny. And if I just have a setback, I should just work harder. I also think that this discounts structural problems in society. Problems with things we can’t control, like mental illness, setbacks from other people doing harm to us, etc. that you continually sort of beat yourself up when something goes wrong.

Brian Klass 00:41:28  And so I do think there’s almost a sort of devotional disciple aspect to this. What I think is a myth that we’re masters of our own destiny, what I call the illusion of control or the delusion of individualism. And to me, it was liberating to get out of that mentality and to start to think about the things that I have influence over the role my life plays in changing the lives of other people, but also accepting that I don’t need to pretend that those things are true anymore. Something that you said before really made me think of this is that when you were talking about coaching people, right? I also look back at my life and all the things that I was told I was supposed to want, and then I could imagine that I was, you know, going to go to someone to say, how do I get there? And there’s been loads of times in my life were the things that I thought I wanted were not the things that actually were good for me, right? Yep. And so, you know, how did I discover that? Well, often by accident.

Brian Klass 00:42:19  Right. Like where? I didn’t try to do something. I stumbled into something and found that I loved it or that I was passionate about it. And, you know, I often have written about ideas around what I call the false gospel of stuff and status, where the road to happiness is paved with more stuff and higher status. I have not found that to be true. I find personally that there are things that I care about in the world that are intrinsically valuable to me, that other people might not find value in whatsoever. And chasing those things has made me much happier. So that’s the other flip side of this sort of disciple aspect of of searching for control is that it’s often what other people think you want. Yeah. And that is, to me, is just another one of the myths of that sort of cultural aspiration.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:03  Right. There’s two really big points that you hit on there that maybe we can go and order, although we’ll probably tangent off somewhere else if I know how I do things.

Eric Zimmer 00:43:12  But the first is this idea of how much agency or control do we have? And I think this is an important thing to think about, because we have some amount of agency and we have some amount of our lives are the way they are based on what has come before. And I think that it’s really tricky to get that balance because I use myself as an example, just because it’s the easiest thing to use. Right? But if I were to have believed that my genetics and my family and my upbringing and all that meant I was destined to die as an addict. That would have been a problematic view. At the same time, had I believed that I was just a bad person because I was doing this and didn’t see all those other factors would have also been a harmful belief. And so somewhere in there is this triangulation on this idea of, well, there is some amount of control in here. And to your point, there’s a lot that’s not under my control. And I just love the line that you’ve used a couple times, which is like, how do I do my best? But I think if you can hold both those views at the same time, it allows you to go a little bit easier on yourself to relax a little bit, but also stay in sort of the driver’s seat of your own life.

Brian Klass 00:44:40  I’ve talked several times about chaos theory and chaos. That word is the opposite of order, right? It’s the opposite of control. All of our lives lie between order and disorder. Everything that’s that’s the entirety of our life. There’s bits that are ordered and structured and that we have some predictability about. There’s other bits where just things just wallop us out of the blue, and we have no idea that it’s going to hit us. And the difficulty is that I think a lot of people respond to that middle ground. That is life, by thinking, if I just got closer to the order, then everything would be okay, right? But it’s never going to happen. That’s the point that I say is like, yes, you just you know, personally, I think that the times where I’ve felt the worst in my life are when I’ve been trying to impose order on something I can’t. And the times that I have felt sometimes the best is where I’ve sort of accepted that disorder and just enjoyed the moment.

Brian Klass 00:45:36  Yeah. You know, there’s an example. I took this from a very good philosopher. I like his work a lot, called Hartmut Rosa, a sociologist. He has this phrase called resonance, which I think a lot of people would sort of recognize this moments where you just feel sort of just wonderful in the moment and the point he makes, which he has a little line where he says something to the effect of, you know, even in life’s planned celebrations, it’s the unplanned flourishes that we remember the most. And so I think about, you know, those moments of celebration. It’s like everybody thinks about like their wedding day, the birthdays, anniversaries, all these sort of big milestones. And then you tell stories about them, and it’s usually the stuff you did not expect where somebody did something really funny or just really heartfelt and that stands out. Whereas if you just try to say that, you know, this is going to happen at 10:00, this will happen at 1005 and so on. It sucks the joy out of it because there’s no unexpected uncertainty.

Brian Klass 00:46:30  And so, you know, I think we would be utterly crippled as a species if we were fully certain. And if we were fully uncertain, both things would be terrible for us. But living in that middle space is actually where you have the best of both worlds. And and so that’s where I really do disagree with a lot of the people who just say, you have to control your life. I think a world of complete control would be dystopian. I think it would be horrifically terrible. Yeah, and I like the uncertainty that I have to navigate. Even though uncertainty brings tragedy, sometimes it’s the price of a life that I think is enjoyable and exciting.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:03  Precisely that life where you knew everything that was going to happen and you got everything that you want, would be a very dead life. And again, if we believe this idea that most of us don’t actually even know what’s best for us, it would be a problematic life, right? The same for me. Like if I’d gotten all the things that I thought that I wanted, my life would look very different.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:25  You know, this is obviously some bias, but who knows what it would be like, but it wouldn’t be like this, right? It wouldn’t be like this. And this is kind of what it is. And I think that’s a really good place to be. I want to go back to what you said a minute ago about, what’d you call it, the gospel of stuff and success.

Brian Klass 00:47:42  Stuff and status.

Eric Zimmer 00:47:43  Yeah, stuff and status. Okay. So let’s just take that at face value to say, okay, this idea that if we get more of this or we get more status, we’re going to suddenly be happy. Let’s just say that’s not true. Why do we continue to believe that. Like, I’ve heard that line and said it and thought about it a thousand times at least. And I’ve seen through that delusion a thousand times. And yet my first book is going to be published in a year, and I am thinking very much about how many copies it sells and all of that.

Eric Zimmer 00:48:22  Right? So I know that if it sells 10,000 copies versus 25,000 copies, I’m not fundamentally going to be a happier person, because if I sell 25,000, I’m suddenly going to be like, well, why didn’t I sell 50,000? So I see through this illusion, goodness gracious, it’s persistent, and it just comes roaring right back in. Why do you think?

Brian Klass 00:48:43  It’s a great question. My argument on how to deal with this is I coined this phrase after the book. So it’s one of the ones that didn’t make the cut because I didn’t come up with it until after it was published. But I try to argue in favor of people and passion rather than stuff and status, which is nice alliterative phrasing. Yep. And the issue with people and passion versus stuff and status is that people and passion, by which I mean relationships and things that you care about deeply, that are individual to you. Those are not easily quantified. They’re not easily measured. Right? Right. Stuff and status are extremely easy to measure.

Brian Klass 00:49:15  And there are also things that in a social community are very easy to have relative rank. Right. So you can understand whether someone has a bigger house than you. You can understand whether someone makes more money than you. You can understand if they are above you in the corporate hierarchy, you cannot understand whether someone has a better relationship with their son or their father, or, you know, a friend. You cannot understand whether they have a deep satisfaction from the fact that they really enjoy woodworking or walking their dog. Right. And so when I think about this stuff, like, I have had a tremendous amount of joy from going for hikes with my dog, with loved ones, etc. and there is absolutely no metric that is tied to that. Right? But I feel good. And so what does that culminate towards? What am I striving towards? You know, that’s the other aspect. We’re really striving creatures. We try to always embed our position and, you know, walking the dog doesn’t do anything on an objective level to quote unquote, better my position in society.

Brian Klass 00:50:10  It might fulfill me, but this thing is so funny about this to me, is that it’s so obvious when you put it in the framework of a finite life and the idea of death and so on, that you’re going to look back on your life. I mean, I have never, ever encountered someone who has been asked the question of like, what did you value most at, you know, in your life in old age? And they say, the moment I got the promotion and the Ferrari, you know what I mean? It’s just like those things are not if you if you really love them, if they make you happy. It’s not saying that you shouldn’t chase things that are important to you, it’s that you have to make sure that you’re motivated. In my view, intrinsically, which means that if there were no other people on the planet, would you still value this? And for me, a lot of the things that I’ve started doing more of the answer is yes. And a lot of the things that I’ve started doing a lot less of the answer is no.

Brian Klass 00:50:57  Other people care about that, but it doesn’t really make me happy. And that’s extrinsic motivation or external motivation. Right. So all of society is built around external validation. And all of what makes us happy is built around internal motivation. And that’s the paradox of how to navigate it. Because obviously the ability to do things that you like is tied to being able to have enough money, for example, that you’re not stressed. So it’s not that they’re completely separate. It’s not that it’s important to just jettison them. And all of us should live in the woods and be subsistence farmers. It’s that you have to calibrate it so that you understand which thing is a means and which thing is an end, right? And if your entire life is means where you’re trying to get somewhere and you never enjoy the end, then you’ve basically mortgaged your life for a goal that never comes. And and I worry that there’s a lot of people who are doing that because they’re on the gospel of stuff and status, and they never understand what it’s for.

Brian Klass 00:51:48  They’re just playing the game until they die. So it’s a bleak way of saying it, but I think there are people who are living that life.

Eric Zimmer 00:51:54  Back to some of our earlier points. We are creatures that are wired up a certain way. We are wired up to look at status and hierarchy. It’s embedded in us, so it’s not bad that we do that because I don’t think you can not do it. And I think we can also recognize, oh, that way is not the path of fulfillment and happiness. And I think it gets further muddled because so many things end up being both. You write a book, there’s a big intrinsic motivation in it. Whatever it is for you, you like writing or you have a message you want to get out to the world or whatever the intrinsic thing is, and you’re going to measure it extrinsic. I talk about this podcast all the time I can get caught up in. It’s not as big as X and it’s not as big as Y, and is it going to pay the bills? And because those are all realities, when I live in that world, though, I’m not happy when I reorient and say, oh, I do this because I get to talk to really interesting people, right? I just love doing this.

Eric Zimmer 00:52:54  I get to put something out there that countless people tell me has helped them. I get to interact with my friend Chris around. He’s our editor around something I love, and when I get back to that framing, the job comes alive in a different way. And so for me, it’s sort of I feel like I’m always sort of lured over this way towards status and stuff, and I have to keep turning my attention back to people and passion.

Brian Klass 00:53:18  If I’m being honest about this stuff. I’m not some guru who’s immune from these things, right? Like, there’s no there’s no way in which even if you say these things, that you are immune from these aspects of the rat race. And when the most recent book, fluke, came out, I was refreshing review sites. I have read every review of the book. I think that’s on the internet. There were times where people said some really mean stuff. Other people, the majority of them said some very wonderful things, right? Yeah, but some people said some really mean stuff.

Brian Klass 00:53:43  And the mean things sort of stuck with me, of course, and I had to sit with it for a little bit. And the two things that were important to realize that have totally made me immune from this. One of them is realizing That I would have written the book if no one read it, because I cared about it and I wanted to do it. And it was a profound experience and sort of understanding what I thought about the world. So that’s the first part, right? That I would do it if no one read it. That’s intrinsic motivation. And the second thing that I think is also important and does go to a lot of different domains, is you don’t write a book or whatever it is that you do professionally, personally, whatever. You don’t write a book for the person who hates it. You write the book for the person for whom it’s going to change their world. And if that person experiences this in a positive way, I will take a thousand people who think I’m an idiot and hate the book because I didn’t write it for them, you know? And so there’s an aspect to this where I think that parable really applies to lots of other parts of life.

Brian Klass 00:54:39  You can’t make something that is going to be universally celebrated or universally affecting in the same way as creative, whatever it is, but you do it for the people who it empowers and changes their worldview and makes them think differently. And that’s enough. And so, you know, I think there’s so much of that aspect where we’re trying to be universalizing. We want it to be 100% of people. It’s impossible, but it’s still it’s still worthwhile if those things make a difference, and also if you find them personally fulfilling. And it’s made me a lot more comfortable with the horrible comments that people make online when you are an author, because, you know, the majority of them are actually very positive, and those are the people for whom I was spending time, you know, sitting in front of a laptop and really trying to get this right.

Eric Zimmer 00:55:21  Well, I think that is a great place to wrap up. You and I are going to continue in the post-show conversation where we’re going to see what we cover.

Eric Zimmer 00:55:27  We might cover the idea that probability theory works well in certain contexts, but fails catastrophically in others, understanding the difference between risk and uncertainty. And we may discuss the mating habits of spiders and why you might want to do more of this in your own life. So we’ll see what happens in the post-show conversation. Listeners, if you’d like to get access to that conversation, all of the other post-show conversations, special episodes that I do just for you. And you want to contribute to the podcast because we can always, always, always use your support. Go to one you feed. Join. Brian. Thanks again. I’ve really enjoyed this. I loved the book. I think your Substack is outstanding. What’s it called?

Brian Klass 00:56:08  It’s called The Garden of Forking Paths. It’s an idea that’s also on fleek as well.

Eric Zimmer 00:56:12  Yeah, you’re a great writer across the board, so I encourage people to check that out. And thank you so much.

Brian Klass 00:56:17  Thanks for having me on the show.

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