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2020 is just weeks away. It’s a new year and a new decade so it’s a great big clean slate and a fresh start.

In this post, I’m going to teach you how to set New Year’s Resolutions that give you more joy, peace, fulfillment, and meaning in your life – at a deeper, more lasting level than what you might think is even possible.

To start, there are two types of New Year’s Resolutions.

First, there are New Year’s Resolutions based on what you think you should do. 

You think you really should eat healthier, you should exercise more, you should make more time for friends etc.

But those types of New Year’s Resolutions are short-lived.

Why?

Well, for one, the motivation for those “should” types of resolutions is extrinsic rather than intrinsic. The word “should” signals that it is coming from someone else’s voice rather than your own.

As Kendra Cherry writes for the website Very Well Mind:

“Extrinsic motivation refers to behavior that is driven by external rewards such as money, fame, grades, and praise. This type of motivation arises from outside the individual, as opposed to intrinsic motivation, which originates inside of the individual.”

Extrinsic motivation can be effective to get you started. But intrinsic motivation keeps the change going long term.

This leads me to the second type of New Year’s Resolution; one based on what you deeply want to do. These types of resolutions are rooted in what you value and therefore you are intrinsically motivated to take action on them.

Even more than fostering sustained change, tapping into and experiencing intrinsic motivation is the signal that you’re on a path towards living a life that feels more deeply rewarding, satisfying, full of meaning, joy, and personal growth.

You might be thinking that it sure would be helpful to have some sort of framework or exercise to guide you through figuring out what New Year’s Resolutions to make so that you experience this deep, lasting connection to what really matters for your life.

Click here for a quick but powerful exercise (created by Kelly Wilson) that will help you determine what you value, what truly matters to you at this point in your life and which of these areas needs some New Year’s Resolution type attention. In other words, you’ll discover how aligned your life is with those values. It’s really illuminating.

If you have been feeling adrift, this exercise will help you come back to shore. Your values can be the touchstone of your life, helping you to strengthen your sense of self, purpose, enjoyment, clarity, and strength.

Setting New Year’s Resolutions to help you live more according to your values will transform your life in the deepest way.

The bridge that connects you to a life that feels deeply satisfying, one that’s connected to a source of strength and inner peace is found in the behavior changes you’ll make to align these important value-based areas of your life.

What New Year’s Resolutions do you need to make? How do you go about making behavior changes in your life so that they are high in impact but low in the overwhelm factor? How do you structure your life and environment so that you are set up to succeed right out of the gates and also over time?

I can help you answer and take action on these questions.

During the month of December, I will be offering FREE 30-minute Personal Transformation Session  to discuss Values-Based New Year’s Resolutions. 

Click here to schedule yours. Spaces are limited.

Here’s what will happen during the call: You’ll share your New Year’s Resolutions with me as well as the biggest challenge you foresee in making these changes. I will then teach you how to overcome that challenge and I will also give you my #1 recommendation based on your values and goals to set yourself up to make the changes you want to make in this new year.

One thing I won’t do on this call? Hard sell you on signing up for the program. That is not my style – if we’re a fit to work together, that will be clear enough without some awful “hard close” to end our call. You have my word on that.

Spaces are limited so go ahead and click here  to book your free session.

If you want to learn more about The One You Feed Personal Transformation Program, click here.

I wish each of you every good thing as we move forward into this new year and new decade.

Remember, the best way to predict the future is to create it.

Eric

“If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” 

– Ram Dass

If what Ram Dass says resonates with you, then read on. This post is for you. 

In the United States, November marks the beginning of the holiday season. Our holiday, Thanksgiving, happens at the end of the month and it is all about being with family. 

Then, after Thanksgiving we all roll into the December holidays of Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day, New Year’s Eve and the family gatherings continue. 

Spending time with family can be a dicey and difficult thing for so many people. It can also be a very good thing, but as with most things in life, it’s often a combination of being both challenging and rewarding. It would serve us well to enter this time with a better perspective and some helpful tools to use when we feel triggered.

In the Spiritual Habits course that I taught several months ago, we explored the topic of perspective as it relates to how we experience life and the world within and around us. 

We see things through a series of filters or perspectives. We can’t completely get rid of them and that’s ok, but it’s important to recognize that is what’s happening. 

Our perspectives are derived from our own moods, emotions, and beliefs (often generated by family experiences). When our perspective becomes small, fixed, rigid or narrow, we often experience suffering.

The key to not getting sucked into the negativity around us lies in our ability to get curious about, question and reframe our perspectives on things. 

There’s a saying in 12 step programs: Expectations are premeditated resentments. 

Taking that idea further, Dr. Albert Ellis taught that unhappy people tend to have 3 expectations: They expect they should always do well, they expect others should treat them well, and they expect life should go well.

Reflecting on the expectations we bring into the interactions we have with family over the holidays is a worthwhile exercise. 

Anytime you find yourself using the word “should” in this context, you’ve hit on an expectation and you may want to see how it’s serving you in that relationship.

Here are some examples:

• My mom should know that I hate it when she asks me why I haven’t found a nice person to settle down with.
• My sister should keep her kids quieter when we are all trying to have a conversation.
• My dad should stop focusing on all the things going wrong in the world and find something positive to talk about once in a while. 

Former guest of the show, Ruth King, says that nothing is personal, nothing is permanent and nothing is perfect. 

Meaning, we can really suffer when we get caught up in how dysfunctional or difficult our unique family can be. 

It’s helpful to remember that difficult family dynamics are a universal experience. People throughout time and around the world struggle with family dynamics and subsequent old, deep wounds. It’s not personal or unique to just you. It’s an experience of being human. 

Also, life is fluid and changing. That’s the very nature of life. You won’t always be stuck at that dinner table. You won’t always have to deal with the dynamics you’re dealing with. Things evolve. Impermanence is a law of nature. 

And lastly, nothing is perfect – at least in terms of how we might define “perfect”. Flaws and problems abound.

But here’s an even greater truth: Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be good.

This holiday season, we can examine our expectations and perceptions going into time with family. Then, with amended expectations and a few on the spot practices to turn to when things get stressful, we can touch back into the deeper wiser part of ourselves. This will allow us to respond rather than react, show up as the best version of ourselves, and ultimately, suffer less by creating a more positive experience.

Would you like some support in navigating the difficult terrain of family time during this holiday season? You can’t change or control other people but you can absolutely change the way you experience them and react to them. I can help you do that through The One You Feed Personal Transformation Program.

Book a free 30-minute call with me to see if we might be a fit to work together. We will put behavioral principles and ancient wisdom to work for you in really practical, actionable ways this holiday season so that you feel more open to receive the good that’s there and less hooked and caught up in the bad.

Having someone in your corner helping you process and plan through the perceptions and experiences you’ll encounter over the holidays can be transformative and lead to great personal growth for you.

Click here to book a call. 

Wishing you well,
Eric

We’ve all been there: you start a new routine or habit, you’ve stuck to your plan for a few days and have some momentum going, and then – you slip up and miss a day.

How do you make sure that the inevitable slip up doesn’t become a complete derailment landing you right back into the way of life that wasn’t serving you very well in the first place?

I’ll teach you 3 proven approaches to getting back on track after slipping up and back to the new behavior you want more of in your life.

First, it’s important to realize that everyone gets off track at some point. It’s not your personal failing as much as it’s human nature and to be expected. Thinking you’ll adhere perfectly to a new – or even established – routine is unrealistic and unsupported by life experience and lots of behavioral psych research.

So, it’s not if but when you’ll have a stumble.

But what keeps a stumble from becoming a wipeout fall? Why do some people get derailed by a slip-up and others continue on their positive new path?

It turns out, you can learn how to ensure a temporary slip doesn’t result in a permanent fall.

Let’s use exercise as an example. (But, these tips apply to any new behavior, routine or habit that you might want more of in your life.)

1. Plan for your inevitable slip-ups

Waiting until you slip to figure out what you’ll about it will send you right down the slippery slope to permanent derailment.

I have two rules of thumb when it comes to creating a plan for when I slip:

Reduce the scope, stick to the schedule: If you can’t do everything you want to do when you want to do it, do a smaller version within whatever time constraints you have.

Never miss twice: When you miss one day, resolve that no matter what, you’ll do some version of the habit the next day so that you keep the habit alive. It’s critical to get right back on the horse as soon as you can.

So let’s take our exercise routine as an example. My plan could be: If I’m supposed to exercise for an hour today and something comes up making it so that I can’t do it, I’ll do 20 push-ups and sit-ups before I go to bed tonight.

2. Be aware of your mindset

Guest of the show and renowned behavior change expert BJ Fogg says:

“People change best by feeling good, not by feeling bad. So feeling bad about ourselves when we slip does not help.”

I work with my private coaching clients all the time on their mindset when the inevitable miss happens. It’s important not to attach a ton of meaning to falling off track – just get back to it. The more we beat ourselves up for falling off track the harder it makes it to get back on track.

When we slip, it’s very common for our minds to create a whole narrative about how we’re the type of person who never keeps up with an exercise routine. Remember, everyone misses. It is not just you and some personal failing you have. It is human nature and it is inevitable.

As John Norcross (upcoming guest on the show) in his book, Changeology, puts it:

“Condemn the behavior, not the person. A slip is not a fall.

If you believe a slip will lead to a relapse, it probably will. If you believe a slip is a natural reminder to recommit, that’s what you’ll do.

You control your mind, and your mind controls the outcome of a slip…Think of a slip literally: you did not fall, you caught yourself first.

Avoid feeling guilty or depressed because of a single exception.

Go positive. Focus on what you have already accomplished, not the exception of a slip. You’ve succeeded 99 percent of the time since you committed to your goal. Are you really going to allow the 1 percent to determine how you proceed? Think big picture. The path to relapse is filled with potholes of pessimism and despair.”

3. Reflect on your slip-ups and learn from them

You will set yourself up to succeed if you structure your environment and lifestyle to support your desired habit or routine. And this is not a “set it and forget it” type of plan. It is fluid. It will change and improve based on what you learn as you go.

When you have a slip-up, take a moment to reflect on what happened. Here’s how John Norcross puts it:

“Identify what you were thinking, what you were doing, what you were feeling, and whom you were with when you slipped…Your answers will overlap with your high-risk triggers [and underlying urges].

Unwrap the urge…Your strong urges…express needs and feelings. Take a few moments and reflect on your urges: What do they want? What feelings or images come to mind? Does a craving have a story or history to tell?”

Let’s say that upon reflection, you discover that if you plan to workout at 3 pm, that coincides with a mid-afternoon energy and will-power slump and too frequently you forgo a workout for a snack or a nap. It turns out what your body really seems to need at that time is a rest not a push so you move your workout to the morning and you just get up a bit earlier to make it happen.

Do you have a new habit, routine, lifestyle or behavior that you want help implementing – this time, ensuring that you sustain it over the long run?

If you can envision your life with this new structure in place and all the benefits it will give you – such as being present for your life in a meaningful way, embodying mindfulness to the benefit of not only you but those around you, or releasing your inner critic that holds you back from living your fullest, best life – but you just need some support and guidance to get there, I can help.

Click here to learn more about working 1-on-1 with me in The One You Feed Personal Transformation Program.

If you already know about the program and would like to book a free 30-minute coaching call with me to see if we might be a fit to work together to bring about the change in your life that you are looking for, click here.

There’s no pressure to sign up to work with me – if we’re not a fit to work together, I’ll wish you well, we’ll part as friends and at the very least I’ll offer you my perspective and ideas on your particular situation so you’ll have that to consider.

You can make the changes in your life that you want to make and your life can be exponentially better because of it. Let’s book some time to talk about how.

Before I begin, let me say that my girlfriend, Ginny, has given me full permission to share all of this.

Ginny struggled with emotional eating for about 30 years. But she only truly realized it in the last 5 years. And then she truly overcame it in the last 2 years.

When we met and starting dating, she was about 40 pounds heavier than she is today. Her emotions were driving a lot of her problematic behaviors when it came to eating but they were lurking below the surface disguising themselves as intense food cravings.

Sometimes she knew she was turning to food for comfort but sometimes she fixated so much on a specific food craving that she thought the only solution was to have that particular food and she attributed the craving and the behavior to that food alone – not her emotions.

About 6 months ago, I was teaching a workshop in Cleveland, OH and during a group discussion, Ginny said something that struck a chord – I’ve quoted her several times since:

“When I thought all I wanted was a cupcake – there was only one solution: A cupcake. But when I realized what I deeply wanted was not to be bored, for example – well, there are a lot of solutions for that.”

See, once she identified the underlying emotion or feeling driving her intense food cravings, she could begin to learn to work with it more skillfully.

And she would tell you that “giving in to feel good” was a behavior pattern that sabotaged her in many ways when it came to her emotions.

She had to learn how to experience her emotions in a way that was helpful and healing and strengthening. Not sabotaging.

The point here is that there are specific ways to do this – they have been taught through the ages by spiritual teachers and more recently by professionals in the mental health arena.

Ginny would say that’s good news because it means you aren’t doomed to always be in an unhealthy relationship with food – you just need to learn a specific skill set that you don’t currently have.

I would agree with her.

Learning the techniques associated with emotional regulation can be life-changing.

Whatever the difficult emotion – sadness, loneliness, fear, anger, boredom – they aren’t emergencies. They are feelings and they can be destructive or instructive depending on how you interact with them.

Emotional regulation and techniques to help you experience your emotions in healthy ways are skills that I teach to nearly all of my private clients through The One You Feed Personal Transformation Program.

When we work together 1-on-1, I not only teach you the skills but I walk with you every step of the way as you learn to implement them.

Through daily check-ins and weekly calls, I am there to help you understand what happened when things don’t go so well and I am there to celebrate with you when things go really well.

Emotional eating and other behaviors that stem from unskillful reactions to difficult emotions can’t be overcome alone.

Whether it’s me, another professional or a supportive group of some kind – you need others in your corner helping you along the way.

I offer a free 30-minute coaching call to see if we’re a fit to work together. If you’re interested, click here to book a call with me. There’s no risk – if we’re not a fit, we part as friends and at the very least I’ll offer my thoughts on your current situation so you’ll have some ideas to consider as you move forward.

Don’t stay stuck in an unhealthy relationship with food and your emotions. There’s a better way.

Here’s a riddle for you: 

Four birds are sitting on a telephone wire and one decides to fly away. How many birds are left?

If you answered three, you’re wrong. 

Because here’s the key distinction: One bird decided to fly away, but that doesn’t mean it necessarily did anything about it.

See, decision isn’t the same thing as action and it can be really helpful sometimes to differentiate between the two if you want to move forward rather than remain stuck.

There are two scenarios when you might want to employ this approach in your life.

The first scenario has to do with actually getting things done: If you want to be productive, stop procrastinating or make progress on your to do list then you’ll want to give this a try.

There is a robust body of research that says if you decide exactly and specifically what you’ll do along with where and when you’ll do it, you are 5x more likely to actually do that thing. 

That’s a 500% increase and I see it play out time and time again in the lives of the private clients I work with in The One You Feed Personal Transformation Program.

For example, want to start a meditation practice? 

Rather than saying, “I’m going to start meditating this week” you’ll be far more likely to actually follow through if you say “I’m going to meditate on my breath for 10 minutes on a cushion on my back porch, right after I make coffee on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings this week”.

The second scenario where this approach can be really useful is when it comes to making a big change in your life. If you want to get out of a state of limbo, get clarity on a potentially big change that might need to happen or make a decision when it feels overwhelming to do so, then try this approach.

Let’s say you’ve found yourself in a relationship that feels toxic and unhealthy and you’re really wrestling with how to move forward because of it. 

The situation is complicated because your life is intertwined with your partner’s life in every way and there is just so much history and complicated emotions between the two of you. You just don’t know what to do. 

Try separating decision from action here. If you just look at the decision of staying in this relationship or leaving this relationship – don’t think about how you would go about ending things at this point – can you get some clarity about the decision?

Perhaps the “how” feels overwhelming or even impossible and those feelings are clouding your mind, preventing you from getting clear on the decision you need to make. 

It can be helpful to decide what you want even if you don’t have the courage or the plan to follow through on that decision yet.

The how or the plan or your exit strategy – whatever you want to call it – can be figured out. But only once you get clear on your decision. 

This is a big one that I work with people on in The One You Feed Personal Transformation Program.

I help people to get clear on a decision and then create a plan to execute that decision. When you feel overwhelmed or stuck it can be really helpful to have someone with a different perspective to work with. 

As the old saying goes, you can’t see the picture from inside the frame. 

If a situation feels too big for you to navigate alone, then don’t. Bring someone else in to help you figure things out and then help you act on what you decide. You don’t have to do it alone and many would argue that you shouldn’t.

If you’re interested in learning more about working with me in The One You Feed Personal Transformation Program, click here.

I offer a free 30 minute coaching session to see if we might be a fit to work together. If you’re interested, you can book a call here.

Wishing you well.

There can be two wolves at battle within you when it comes to actually making changes and moving forward in your life – and one of them can be hidden deep within you, out of plain sight where you could otherwise recognize and work with it more skillfully.

Let me explain.

Let’s say you decide to move forward in your life – to make a change, initiate something new or make your life better in some important way. 

Then you are hit by resistance. 

Doubts flood your mind, your inner critic starts yapping away, you feel blocked, conflicted and struggle ensues. Perhaps you self sabotage or maybe you just don’t take any action at all despite the fact that you really want the change. 

Nope – I haven’t gotten to the hidden wolf that’s working against you yet. Stay with me.

Perhaps the problem genuinely seems to be in the circumstances surrounding you: you lack the resources you need, the risks are too high, other people start interfering and make it hard for you to move forward and get even some small semblance of momentum. 

Maybe you want a great relationship, but you just can’t find the right partner. Or, you want a better job, but there aren’t any good ones. You want to be at a healthy weight but you just can’t shake the extra pounds around your midsection. 

Circumstances appear to be out of your control. Opportunities seem to be limited, or non-existent. 

You really want your life to be different and better in some specific way – you can envision a better life with more of what you want and less of what you don’t want.

It just doesn’t seem to be accessible to you because making real, substantial change and sustainable progress doesn’t happen even when you try your best.

Let me introduce you to your hidden “bad” wolf:

“Resistance to change does not reflect opposition, nor is it merely a result of inertia. Instead, even as [you] hold a sincere commitment to change, [you] are unwittingly applying productive energy toward a hidden competing commitment. The resulting dynamic equilibrium stalls the effort in what looks like resistance but is, in fact, a kind of personal immunity to change.”

Competing commitments.

That’s what this article from The Harvard Business Review calls your two battling wolves. 

Consciously, there’s something you want and have committed yourself to. Subconsciously there’s something else you want and have also committed yourself to.

The hidden wolf is lurking there, just under the surface of your consciousness, keeping you locked in inertia. 

The key to unlocking this inertia starts in bringing this subconscious commitment up into your consciousness so you can examine it and decide where (or if) it belongs in your life.

Here are a couple of examples from the HBR article.

Jane’s stated, conscious commitment has to do with turning around her department at work. She wants to do that. She’s committed to doing that. However, Jane lets things slide too often and is not proactive enough in getting people to follow through with their tasks. As it turns out, Jane is also subconsciously committed to not setting full sail until she has a clear map of how she gets the department from here to there. She assumes that if she takes her group out into deep waters and discovers she is unable to get them to the other side she will be seen as an incompetent leader who is undeserving of trust or responsibility.

Next, take Mary, for example. Mary’s conscious commitment is to distribute leadership by enabling people to make decisions. Despite that, she doesn’t delegate enough and she doesn’t pass the information she has on to people she distributes leadership to. Her subconscious, competing commitment is to having things go her way and being in control and ensuing the work is done to her standard. She assumes that other people will waste her time and theirs if she doesn’t step in. She thinks deep down that others aren’t as smart as she is.

Now, back to you. 

Maybe you want to make more money but you were taught early on that money is the root of all evil. Your subconscious commitment to being a good person (as it has been defined for you)  is keeping you locked in your current financial situation. 

Maybe you’d like to assert yourself in some way and draw clear, firm and healthy boundaries. But you also have a subconscious commitment to not creating separation with those around you and being nice and accommodating and helpful has been your modus operandi pretty much your whole life. 

How do you know if competing commitments are at work in your life?

Pay close attention. Would you like more in some area of your life but it feels out of reach? Do you self sabotage? Are you engaged in some form of perpetual procrastination? 

Mary O’Malley says that any thought that tightens you is not the truth. It’s from the conditioned self. When you consider your life through this lens, does tightness show up inside you? Do you feel like there’s an invisible block that exists between where you are and where you want to be?

These competing commitments can be barriers to realizing our fullness. 

They aren’t the only barrier, but they certainly can be one of them. 

How do you go about relaxing your barriers and questioning/dissolving your limiting competing commitments and beliefs?

I’ll teach you. 

The key to unlocking this inertia is to start bringing this subconscious commitment up into your consciousness so you can examine it and decide where (or if) it belongs in your life.

So, how do you do that?

By picking an area of your life and engaging in the following exercise of inquiry and exploration.

For some people and for some areas of life, doing this as a solo exercise works great. For others, working through these questions with a coach – someone who exists outside your own head and who has the skills to help guide you through mental blocks or biases – can be the key to unlocking your subconscious, accessing and identifying your competing commitments.

Ok, here are some areas of life you might consider:

My body • My health • My work • My financial situation • My sexuality • My circumstances • Handicaps, injuries, illnesses • My family • My relationships • Life • Death • The past • The future

To start, pick one and ask yourself these questions (which are based on the ones found in this HBR article), filling in the blank with the area of your life.

You might allocate some time to do this – to sit with these questions and see what comes up for you. Journaling can be really helpful here, too.

Let’s use work as the area of life and someone named Elisabeth (not a real person) as an example.

1. What would I like to be different about the work I’m engaged in? (so that I could be more effective or so that it would be more satisfying?)

In other words:

What precisely do I want in this area of my life? What do I want more of? Less of?

For example:

Elisabeth would like to devote more time to the work she does. Right now, she only devotes 5 hours a day to work. She knows if she worked 8 hours a day, she could be more successful.

2. This dissatisfaction with the way things are or wanting things to be different in this way implies something about you. What commitment does it imply?

In other words:

Why do I want that? What is the purpose behind my vision for this area of my life?

For example:

Elisabeth is committed to making her business a success. She is a high achiever.

3. What am I doing that goes against that commitment? What am I doing, or not doing, that is keeping my commitment from being more fully realized? (The answer to this question reveals your undermining behavior)

In other words:

What exactly do I need to do to achieve my answer to question #1? Am I actively and consistently doing those things now? If not, what am I doing instead that is preventing me from my desired outcome?

For example:

Elisabeth tends to take long breaks during her work day. She ends up meeting or talking with friends for longer than she planned.

4. If I imagine doing the opposite of the undermining behavior, do I detect in myself any discomfort, worry, or vague fear?

In other words:

What do you think would happen if you did not do the behavior(s) you identified in question 3? If you did the opposite of the undermining behavior, what would worry you about this?

For example:

Elisabeth worries that if she doesn’t actively work at staying connected with the people in her life, they will lose touch and she will become isolated.

5. What does this worry imply that you’re also committed to?

In other words:

By engaging in this undermining behavior, what worrisome outcome are you committed to preventing? The resulting answer is the competing commitment, which lies at the very heart of a person’s immunity to change.

For example:

Elisabeth is committed to connecting with others and being a good, dependable friend.

Bingo. There’s your competing commitment.

So, now what? Where do you go with it from here? How does this help you move forward?

Well, we’re not quite done yet.

Here’s how the HBR article puts it:

“Competing commitments should not be seen as weaknesses. They represent some version of self-protection, a perfectly natural and reasonable human impulse. The question is, if competing commitments are a form of self-protection, what are people protecting themselves from? The answers usually lie in what we call their big assumptions—deeply rooted beliefs about themselves and the world around them. These assumptions put an order to the world and at the same time suggest ways in which the world can go out of order. Competing commitments arise from these assumptions, driving behaviors unwittingly designed to keep the picture intact.

People rarely realize they hold big assumptions because, quite simply, they accept them as reality. Often formed long ago and seldom, if ever, critically examined, big assumptions are woven into the very fabric of people’s existence.

Only by bringing big assumptions to light can people finally challenge their assumptions and recognize why they are engaging in seemingly contradictory behavior.”

So, the next step is to identify your big assumption(s) and it’s a critical next step.

If you think metaphorically, up until this point, we’ve cut the weed off at the ground level. But if you stop there, the weed just grows back. You’ve got to pull it up by the roots and it’s the same way with beliefs. They’ll keep reappearing if you don’t go down underground into your subconscious mind and pull them up for examination.

And I will teach you how to do that.

It’s important to know that these blocks, barriers and sources of resistance are natural and automatic. Everyone faces them. They’re part of how the mind works to try and keep us safe and not something to get down on yourself about.

If, deep down, we are holding on to some sort of unresolved fear or pain – if we think there’s some sort of danger, it’s only natural that our minds would conspire to protect us, to keep us safe.

The key to moving forward rather than staying stuck is to identify, investigate and re-define competing commitments and underlying assumptions or beliefs.

So, let’s find out about Elisabeth’s underlying assumption.

To do this, we invert her answer to question five and make it into the beginning of a sentence that is an assumption. So it would read:

I assume that if I was not dependable and useful, available when my friends need me or want to connect with me, they will find other friends and I will be left alone.

As it turns out, most of the time, her friends call needing to vent or process or seek advice from her because of something going on in their lives. This, combined with her desire to be a dependable shoulder to lean on, leaves her feeling like she has to hustle for her worthiness in these friendships.

Ah ha. The weed has now been dug up by the roots.

But it would be a mistake to stop here. Continuing with the metaphor, what will we plant in its place?

A process of questioning your underlying assumption and then trying some different, more skillful approaches will help you form new more accurate and helpful beliefs.

That’s work that we can do together as part of The One You Feed Personal Transformation Program. 

Click here to learn more.

If you’re interested in going deeper into this work together, you can book a free 30 minute coaching call to see if the program might be a fit for you.

Whether or not you’re interested in taking that step, I’ll close this post by offering some questions you can continue to ponder, to sit with, and explore within yourself surrounding whatever underlying assumption(s) or belief(s) you have uncovered through this process of self inquiry.

The following questions come from the work of Lion Goodman:

• What has been the advantage of having this belief? How has it served me in my life? What did I get or gain by having this belief? What did I avoid by having this belief?
• What would be different in my life if I held a different belief?
• Would I be willing to try on a different belief? Who would I be without this belief?
• What belief could I replace it with that would be more positive, beneficial, and empowering in my life?

In one of her dharma talks, Tara Brach introduced the inquiry, “Who would you be if you weren’t blaming anybody anymore? Am I willing to see myself and/or others differently?”

I have heard Glennon Doyle pose the question, “How would our lives transform if we stopped being so afraid of pain? What if we decided we were strong enough for it and stopped hiding from it?”

I hope this post has been helpful for you in some way.

Wishing you well.